Original subtitles

- ♪ Keep it movin', doin' what you doin' ♪

♪ Baby we're gonna work it out ♪

- KEVIN: [sighing]

- Look, Kev-- - Yep.

- Don't take this the wrong way when I ask you, okay?

But why you never put me in any of your movies, man?

- Uh, you want me to be honest? - Yeah.

- I don't want you to take this the wrong way.

Nobody knows you, Jackie.

- People know me, Kevin. - Nobody does.

There's no value in me puttin' you in--

- [British accent] Oh, my God, my favorite actor.

Do you mind taking a picture?

- Oh, no, baby, it's okay. - It's already set.

Just press the button. All right.

Well, you got the camera wrong,

so if you wanna do the selfie thing, then we can--

You wanna take it with Jackie?

- Yeah.

- Get the [bleep] outta here!

- [glass breaks]

- If you think I'm takin' that damn picture.

- Kevin, did you just throw her phone?

- Yes, I threw that phone. I'm a star.

- Look, I'm sorry about that.

Look, here, let me take one for you.

- A selfie? - Yeah, right there.

You smell good.

- WOMAN: [laughs] - [phone camera clicks]

- Maybe you should send this to all the sisters.

- All right, look, I'm gonna email it to you, okay?

- Oh, just bring it by. - All right.

- 'Cause my twin sister loves you, too.

- Twin sister? - Yeah. [laughing]

Bye. Bye, asshole, whoever you are.

- Yeah, asshole. - Bye, asshole?

Why don't you go back to Germany?

- ♪ This is the life, this is the life ♪

♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪

♪ This is the city where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ Just you and me

♪ Down and to go

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- ♪ Proud with a GG is what you need to be ♪

♪ You ain't got a spin the main thing is on me ♪

- I told you--people know me.

- The only people know you is you and your mama.

- See? I-- - And that white girl there.

Nobody else know you, boy.

- Look who it is--Jackie Long!

- JACKIE: [screeching] - MAN: [laughing]

I've been trying to get a hold of you.

Hey, when are we playing tennis again?

No, you and Serena owe me and my girl a rematch.

You know this.

- I'ma gonna hurt your heart. - Why?

- Me and Serena ain't even together no more.

- No, really? - Yeah, I got an NBA hooper.

Bunk-bunk-dunkin'. - We at a hotel. We at a hotel.

Why don't you just go get a room?

- Kevin Hart. - Come and sit down.

- I didn't even see you there. - That's Kevin, man.

- Know what? Interesting.

This is actually really, really odd because just the other day

we were having a conversation about you.

- Hey, hey, stop, man. You [bleep].

You wanna talk to Jackie, come over here and talk to me.

Here, I'll take it.

You don't gotta do that, man.

After this, you can go stalk some other superstar, all right?

What's your name, buddy?

- Doug Murdock. All right, Doug--

Wait, Murdock? The president of Paramount?

Jackie, get your non-union movie ass up.

- DOUG: No, no.

- And let him sit down. - It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay. No, no, no, I can't stay. I can't stay.

But, listen, we were talking about you the other day.

Paramount wants to be in the Kevin Hart business.

- Come on now. - No, no, no, no.

What is your dream project, Kevin?

- I guess it's time for me to get my superhero on.

See, ever since my daddy used to sell my comic books

for drugs, it was my dream to become...

Thunder Brother-- raining justice on the universe.

And now my dream is about to come true.

- Okay, so you want to do Thunder Brother?

- Yes, that is my dream role, man.

- But Thunder Brother is 7'6", 498 pounds of super dense muscle

covered with an impenetrable skin like steel.

- First of all, all of my friends say that I'm dense,

and you can't penetrate through what I got.

Jackie, stab me right now.

God damn, Jackie!

What are you doin', man? It's a figure of speech.

- Well, I ain't never heard that speech.

- You're not in the movie. - Come on, Kevin.

- That's not happening. - Time out. Time out. Okay.

Look, what am I thinking?

If Mark Ruffalo can play The Hulk,

then of course you can do it. - Yes.

- You swing by my office tomorrow noon.

We'll discuss it further. - Yeah.

- But remember--bring the thunder, brother.

- Oooh! Thank you. - You got it.

- This is great. - Yeah, all right, man.

- This is great. - Okay, guys. Until then.

- I'll call you, okay? - Yep.

- Oh, that's big, Jackie. That's big.

- Big time.

So you think I can be your sidekick?

- What? - JACKIE: Huh?

- Man, you already my sidekick.

- I love you. I love you.

- Hey, now go out there and get my car

before I kick you in your side.

- Now that wasn't called for, Kevin.

- You got a face for radio, Jackie.

- ♪

- Yo! Boris!

- Hey, hey, man. What's up, man?

I'm trying to figure out what irritates me most about Dondre--

besides the fact that he's trying to be me!

Are you followin' me around or something?

- Stop playin', man. What are you talkin' about?

- Are you wearin' the same outfit as me?

Are you trying to be my Mini-Me or something?

- Stop it.

I got my name on the back of my jeans, not yours.

Who let you on the Paramount lot?

- Okay, first of all, I had a big meeting here with Oprah.

- Oprah don't have an office on the Paramount lot.

- She texted me, so she must have an office.

- Oh, she's texting you now? - What are you doing here?

- I've got a development deal.

- What are you developing, Dondre?

- I'm developing things that people watch.

- [laughing] What's that? - Comedies.

- Oh, really? - Yes. Like this.

- Babe! - [bleep].

- Hey, baby. - What are you doing here?

- I was--I was-- - I thought you were in the car.

- BORIS: Yeah, I was about to-- - Keeping it warm!

- Yeah, I was keepin' it warm. - It's cold!

- I know. - What about my voice?

- Dondre? - Oh!

- Why is my purse here? - Oh, so I wouldn't lose it.

- BORIS: [laughing] - That's my fault.

- You know--I thought that was your purse.

- And where is my juice? - What? It's in the car.

- Well, go get it. You know I'm on a cleanse.

- Okay, okay.

- You act like you're shooting a movie or something.

- BORIS: [laughing] Go get the juice.

- Why are you laughing, Boris? - Huh?

- If I get hypothermia again--

- I'm gonna get the car right now.

- Honey, honey, I'm thirsty.

- DONDRE: Okay, okay, okay. - BORIS: Go get the juice!

- Go get the car, valet!

- These men are pitiful. - Oh, my gosh.

- How do you think you did in there on the audition?

- Girl, I'm probably too pretty.

- Yeah, and I'm too talented. - Mmm, too expensive.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- Oh, so what are you doin' later?

- I don't know. Same old thing.

Work, kids, keeping Boris out the mirror.

- We barely got here-- Dondre lookin' at himself

in the rearview mirror so much.

- BOTH: [laughing] - Checkin' for hair.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- That ship has sailed.

- BOTH: [laughing] - You know what?

You guys should come over, Dondre can make dinner,

and you can relax.

- Wait a minute, Dondre cooks, too?

- Yeah, we got rules in our house.

If you ain't working, you gotta cook, clean,

and do whatever else I tell you to do.

- BOTH: [laughing] - I love it.

Girl, we should start a club--

Women With Pretty Negroes Who Don't Do [bleep].

- BOTH: [laughing]

- Okay, 8:00 o'clock Thursday night.

- Perfect. - BOTH: Oh, wait! Wait!

- We do a little switch out. - I know.

- BOTH: [laughing] - Keep it fresh.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- I'll have Boris make dessert.

Upside Down Career Cake.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- [clearing throat] [clapping hands]

How are you doin'?

I'm here to see the president.

- What's your name, sir?

- Just tell him it's the star of "Ride Along."

- Oh!

Mr. Cube is here-- - Hey, hey, hey!

Girl, if I worked here, I would remote you down to receptionist.

Oh, wait, you already are a receptionist.

- And I would remote you back to third grade.

[snaps fingers]

- That's original. I see why you got the job.

- Kevin Hart. Follow me, please.

- I can't believe it.

Do you understand that I fired him

and put him on the street?

I mean, what just happened?

- Look, I don't know, Kev.

But, look, when you fire me,

can you please put me on that same street?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Wait a minute. Wait a second, man.

Hey, somebody gotta call the cops.

Y'all got a homeless loser down here in the lobby,

you know that?

- I'm not homeless anymore, Kev.

- Oh boy, yes, you are.

The sign on the side of your house says

"Fragile: This Side Up." 'Cause it's a box.

[laughing]

- Very funny, Kev. I have a new sign.

It's on my desk.

It says "Doug Murdock's Executive Assistant."

Follow me.

- KEVIN: [laughing]

Executive Assistant.

Wait, get the [bleep] outta here.

You can't even be my flunky.

How the hell you gonna be somebody's executive flunky?

You don't stink no more.

- OLIVER: Come on now.

- Well, that's not the deal.

Go back and look at the original contract.

No, tell him to-- [screaming]

- OLIVER: Watch out! Come on! - [truck horn blaring]

- DOUG AND OLIVER: [screaming]

- Kid, you just saved my life.

Look, I don't have any food on me,

but what I do have is a job.

How's $500 a week sound?

- Five hundred dollars? - Yes.

- For your life? You know what?

I'm lookin' at you.

I'm thinking we can do like $1750--a week.

- I like you. You know what you got?

Chutzpah!

Come on, let's get you set up. Follow me.

- Okay. Okay. Wait. One second. One second.

- Great trip. Here's your sign.

I'ma hit you back. I got that money for you.

Wait up!

He started me off in the mail room,

then six months later

I'm the Executive Assistant to Doug Murdock.

I'm gatekeeper to the man, Kev.

- I watch that show all the time.

Hey, uh, do me a favor, Oliver.

Go in and tell Doug I'm here, please?

I don't have all day, man.

Let me get a bottle of water, too--no bubbles.

Wait, you know, get me a spritzer of lime, though.

Black straw.

The bendy kind, though.

The kind that's like this.

- I'll get on that.

Mr. Murdock will be right with you.

Actually, he won't.

He had to make an emergency set visit to this Brad Pitt movie

we're shooting in Djibouti.

I'll tell Kev in around two or three...

days.

[laughing]

- KEVIN: So, next thing I know, okay, it's like five hours

later, Oliver comes out talking about some, oh, I'm sorry,

Doug had an emergency in Djibouti.

- That sounded nasty, Kev. - No, no, it's not that, okay?

It's a country in Asia.

- What? - Djibouti's in Africa.

- No, it's not, Boris.

- Wha-- - It's right next to Titicaca.

What are you talking about? - It's still nasty as hell.

- Oh, come on.

- Well, what do you expect, huh?

After you poo-poo ca-ca all over that kid?

- Yeah, Kev.

That's why I'm nice to everybody, even Jackie.

- What you mean Jackie?

- Dondre, that's not why you're nice to everybody.

You're nice to everybody because you're untalented.

You have to be nice. - GUYS: [laughing]

- Being nice is a talent.

- Like Kevin said, you're untalented.

- I'm not gonna get into a debate with you two

about talent, okay, and I am nice.

Otherwise, why would I be inviting you and your wife

over to my house for dinner?

- Hold it, you invited Boris and Nicole to dinner

and didn't invite me?

- Yes. - Thank you.

- Good.

- You did me a favor 'cause I can't eat dinner

with your wife when y'all around.

Me and Nicole do this thing where we lock eyes

when we eat spaghetti.

Woooo!

- What does that mean? You lockin' what?

Nicole-- - Ain't none of your business.

- See, this attitude right here is gonna prevent you from

shootin' "Thunder Brother."

- Exactly.

See, you gotta learn how to be nice to people.

- First of all, Oliver should be kissin' my ass.

Do you know why? - Why?

- Because that's what flunkies do.

Am I right, Jackie?

- How am I supposed to know?

You got something on your eyelash right here, Kevin.

Let me get that for you. - Oh, come on, man.

- Hey, if that have got in my eye,

I would have flipped out.

My man. - [palm slap]

- Kevin, like it or not, Oliver is the gatekeeper.

You gotta mend your relationship, man.

- Just get him a gift. - What?

- It's a good idea. Just give him a gift.

- Y'all really think I should get him a gift?

- Yeah. - Yes, it's easy.

- You know what? I'm gonna get him

an all-expense paid trip to Kiss My Ass Island!

Y'all wanna go? Y'all wanna go?

'Cause y'all can kiss my ass, too.

Who in the flunky does Oliver think he is?

There's no way in hell I'ma let this super zero stop me

from playing a superhero.

- ♪ Why you actin' like a mitch ♪

♪ You a mitch, you a mitch ♪

- Kevin Hart here to see Doug Murdock.

- [sipping drink]

I don't see you on the list.

- Stop playin' games, man.

I'm here to see the president of the studio.

You know what? Why don't you just call

his flunky-ass assistant down here?

Maybe that can help. - [brakes screeching]

- No, no, no, I see what this is about.

Oh, you wanna go to war, Oliver?

If you wanna go to war, I can take you to war.

Jag war.

- [revving engine]

- [tow truck beeping] - Hey, wait a minute.

Hey! Hey!

- OLIVER: [laughing]

- Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hold up!

I'm in the car, you son of a [bleep]!

Nobody rains on Thunder Brother's parade.

- Jackie Long.

[imitates Jackie]

I'm goin', man!

Ha! Ha!

[bleep] you, Oliver.

[screams]

- [laughing]

- [groaning]

- [high-pitched laughter]

They came with the thunder, brother.

Get him outta here.

- Oh, God, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

- Have a beautiful day.

- [gate buzzing]

- I am Thunder Brother!

- You're not on the list, Mr. Brother.

- Ha!

Maybe this is on the list.

Laser on! - [small explosion]

- Oh [bleep]!

Ah!

[yelping]

- GUARD: Up, up, and away, brother.

- KEVIN: [yelping]

- ♪

- SALLI AND NICOLE: [laughing]

- The rice is a little overcooked, but other than that,

it was pretty good.

- Ah?

That was delicious.

- Thank you, Nicole.

- That is how you make a meal, Boris.

- Yeah, that's how a mitch makes a meal.

- My compliments to the chef.

- ALL: Cheers! - Thank you.

- Cheers, love.

- Fantastic. You're a lucky girl, Salli.

- I know.

You'll need to find out.

- Yeah, let's move along into the lucky room.

Excuse me.

- SALLI AND DONDRE: Living room.

- SALLI: [laughing]

- NICOLE: Oh, that was good.

- Oh, yeah, it was good.

- [turns on mellow music]

- Oh, that's good. - [laughs]

Nicole, take your shoes off and relax.

- If I take my shoes off, I'm goin' to bed.

- ALL: [laughing]

- Well, that's not a problem.

You guys can spend the night, if you want.

- SALLI AND DONDRE: [laughing]

- Our bed is your bed.

[laughing]

- You know, Nicole,

you look very tense. - Mmm.

- You know, guys, we were put on this Earth

to serve each other.

Here, let me release some of that tension.

Get in there.

- Oh, if you don't take your hands off my wife, I'ma--

I'ma come over-- [groans] Oh, that is my spot.

- Why you singin' like Ron Isley over there?

- Oh, you're very tense, too, Boris.

- You know, I lift that bench press about 310,

so it goes right in my shoulders.

- I know. You're so strong.

- You know, guys, Salli and I have found a really great way

to release tension, and we want to share it with you.

- BORIS: Oh...yeah. - Why don't you tell 'em, babe?

- You know what? How about we show them?

- Yeah.

- Are you ready to go...

deeper?

Deeper than you've...

ever gone...before.

- I am. [laughing]

- [slaps hand] Put your hand down.

- I just wanna go deeper. Just a little bit.

- [small explosion] - NICOLE: [gasps]

- BORIS: Oh, [bleep]!

- Where's your bathroom, Salli?

Because we have to tinkle. - I'm okay. I'm gonna--

- No, get [unintelligble].

- Okay.

- Yeah, it's to the left. - And then a right.

- We got it.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. - It's the--

- [gasping]

Do you know what's going on out there?

- Yes, it's a revelation.

I had Dondre and Salli pegged completely wrong.

- Oh, my God.

Will you just turn the pretty down a notch

so you can understand what I'm saying?

I think Salli and Dondre are swingers.

What are you doing?

- I'm looking for mouthwash.

- Oh!

- I knew they were nasty. Oh, Boris, what are we gonna do?

- You listen to me.

We are in the last set of our marriage.

We're down 0-5, love-40.

So, in other words, this [bleep] match is over.

So, let's go out there and play some doubles.

- Did somebody hit you in the head with a racquet?

Who do you think I am?

- I thought you were my Venus, and I was your Serena.

- NICOLE: ♪ Okay - BORIS: ♪ We're ready

- NICOLE: ♪ We're ready ♪ - CROWD: Amen.

- DONDRE: Whoa.

- What kinda orgy is this?

- I don't know, but they gotta get better-lookin' people. Ooh.

- Stop lookin' at Boris.

- I'm lookin' at Nicole.

- Hallelujah. Yes. [clears throat]

- SALLI: Ooh. [sighs]

- DONDRE: All right, so let's turn to Philippians 4:8.

- I mean, I would have taken one for the team,

but, uh, Bible study? Come on.

- Pffft!

If I wasn't gonna join Scientology

to be in a Tom Cruise movie, I definitely

wasn't gonna join a Bible study to be in "Posse II" with Salli.

- Well, she looked kinda good in "Posse," though.

- Just don't even. - Sorry.

Oh! - Babe!

- KEVIN: After I recovered from the ass-whoopin'

that the guard gave me, I had a genius idea.

Now it took me two weeks,

but I dug a tunnel right to Doug Murdock's office.

Try to stop me now, Oliver.

- Now, you listen to me.

I don't give a damn about marketing.

From now on, we'll do our movies in Mandarin.

Our subtitles will be in English.

and if Brad has one word to say about it...

[speaking Mandarin]

And he'll know what it means.

- KEVIN: Shoot! Oh! God!

Oh!

Hi, Doug.

- Kevin, is that you? - Yeah.

- What the hell are you comin' through the window for?

- Well, I had no choice.

Do you know the hell I've been through

tryin' to get around your flunky out there?

- Who, Oliver? - Yeah.

You need to get rid of his rags-to-raggedy ass.

- Well, never mind that.

Guess what? - What?

- I'm ready to green light "Thunder Brother."

- Are you serious, Doug?

- Yes.

- Oh, man, that is amazing news! [laughing]

Do you know how much bank we're gonna make on "Thunder Brother"?

- I do. - Hey, thank you, man.

- Oh! - [heavy thud]

- [bleep]!

I didn't kill the white man!

Doug!

Doug!

Oh!

I guess we know who the stunt coordinator's not gonna be.

Doug!

Come on, man.

God!

Oh, get my fingerprints off everything I touch.

[sobbing]

The little dead palm.

I touched the desk. Hurry up.

Hurry up.

Get outta here.

Room smell like me.

Get that...little black man scent outta here.

I can't.

Ain't got no time to waste.

[bleep] it!

[screaming] - [heavy thud]

- Okay, I know what you're thinkin'.

I'm goin' to jail for killin' a white man.

Well, fortunately, Oliver got him to the hospital

in the nick of time.

But, unfortunately--

- I'm now the new VP of Features Development

at Paramount Studios.

Thank you, Kevin Hart.

But don't worry.

Your contributions will not go unnoticed.

I'm puttin' "Thunder Brother" in production...

in the year 2038.

[high-pitched laughter]

That's so far from now.

[laughing]

- I'm gonna take my ass over to Dondre's house to pray.

- ♪

- [crowd cheering] - [heart beating]

- ♪