Original subtitles

- I'm ready for this weekend! - Talk to me.

- Hey, it's the best weekend ever.

- Whoa. Uh, listen, I got bad news.

- What's happenin'?

- Yo, they gave somebody else our private jet.

- What?! - Whoa! Whoa! What?!

- The good news is this, okay?

There's a commercial flight leaving in an hour,

and we'll still make All-Star Weekend.

- Commercial?! We're not flying commercial!

- Boris, stop it! - What are you talking about?

- Ay, we're here now. - We're not flying commercial!

- He just wanted to turn up in first-class.

- Um, bad news again.

There's only one first-class ticket.

We have to fly coach. - Aw!

- That's my ticket. - That's my ticket then.

I'm 6'4", 220-- - Okay, okay.

Who...who the hell took the private jet?

- Uh-uh, they didn't say.

They just said the person was bigger than us.

- Yeah, okay. I can understand somebody being bigger

than y'all but who's bigger than me?

- That would be me.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

- ♪ This is the life, this is the life ♪

♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪

♪ This is the city where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ Just you and me, down and to go ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- NeNe! Does she--look!

I watch her show all the time! Y'all just--I love you!

- Sit your stupid ass down.

Got no business watching that [bleep].

You aint' got no girl.

Now NeNe, you think just because

you can palm a basketball and kick a 63-yard field goal

that you're bigger than me.

- [laughs]

- Is that what you think, NeNe?

- Don't start with me, Kevin Hart.

- Hey, this little...little fake-ass reality TV star

gonna come in here and take my plane?

Especially when you ain't got nowhere to fly.

Where you goin'? To a fake-ass island?

- No, baby. I'm going to a real island,

the one I purchased in the Caribbean.

- First of all, it's called the "Caribbe-ana," okay?

So...so say the word right, if you're gonna get it.

Second of all, as soon as that little

show of yours gets cancelled,

that island's gonna be gone...

[snapping fingers] Like...like...like that.

- Wait a minute.

Did this little thirsty Negro try to read me?

Let me tell you something, Mr. Thirsty.

You need to use all of your money

to buy a whole lotta hair nets, honey, because your 15 minutes

of fame is just about up.

You're gonna be back in Philly makin' cheesesteak sandwiches.

Yes!

- [whip snapping]

- Be busy! Be...be... [bleep] be busy!

- Holy mother, that...

[bleep]!

Don't you try to snap me and walk away from me.

I can snap, too! Huh! [snapping fingers]

Snap your ass into your [bleep] damn self.

- Listen! - Stop it.

- I was gonna offer you and your friends a chance to fly

on my private plane, but since you're such an asshole,

the offer is for everyone but you!

- Oh! - You ain't gotta say no more.

- [laughing]

- Let's go! - Wait! Wait!

- Yeah! [laughs]

- Hey, y'all know the rules? Stop!

Stop it!

It's supposed to be bros before these Atlanta [bleep].

Y'all know that! - What?!

- No-o-o! - No!

- Hold on! Hold on!

- Okay. Get off of me! - Get off of my neck!

- Wait a second.

- Please! Please! - Hold it!

- Well, you better get Dennis Rodman under control.

- Listen, um, don't worry about him. I'm sorry.

Um... - [laughs]

- You said, um, we all can go,

everybody here except Kevin. - Mm-hmm. That's right.

- [bleep]. I say we go, man.

- Let's go. - I say we do it.

- What are we waiting for? - Wait a minute!

Okay, now we're supposed to be goin' on a trip to bond, man!

Huh?! Y'all forgot about that [bleep]?

- Are you crying?

- You should be ashamed of yourself, Boris.

- Wha-- - And to think, man,

I had the nerve to name my son after you, dude.

- You didn't do that!

- It was my fish, but I named him after you.

It's a German goldfish named Boris.

- Dude, is that true? - He blows bubbles and [bleep].

[sniffling]

[bleep] that fish.

What about you, Duane?

Huh? After I was the best man at your wedding,

you gonna do me like this? - I didn't know you then, Kev.

- I started spreading those rumors about you and Lil Wayne

before everybody else.

Yeah, I cut mine off.

What about you, Nelly?

- What about me, Kev? What about me?

- What you mean, "What about you?"

You woulda still been hangin' with that [bleep] with the mask

if it wasn't for me.

- You said you wanted the job!

- You was just some little country grandpa

dressed in [bleep].

I changed all that.

You was out here wearin' [bleep] car seats for outfits.

- No, I don't. I don't remember that.

- You don't remember the leather Gucci set

that you wore to the Grammys? - I got that out your closet!

- Shut up! - Calm down, calm down.

- No, I just wanna have you-- - You're hysterical.

- Why are you guys doin' this?

- Calm down! Wipe your snot.

You're getting snot all over your shirt.

Just relax. Okay, fine, you're okay.

- It's fine.

- We're not gonna leave you. We're not gonna leave you.

- All right. - Guys, come on.

We can't leave-- - Get outta here, man.

- Hey, listen, come on. - Yes, we can.

- This is supposed to be our bonding weekend, man.

We'll just fly coach together.

NeNe? - Yes.

- Thanks, but no thanks. - Really?

Wait a minute.

Those boys are gonna turn down a chance to fly with me?

[laughs]

They are as stupid as they are cute.

[snaps fingers]

- ♪ This is the life that we live ♪

[laughs]

♪ That we... - Oh. [laughs] Really?

[whispering] We're supposed to be bonding on this flight.

You understand that?

- [whispering] I am bonding.

I'm bonding with my champagne.

That's who I'm bonding with.

- Good. I'm going... good for...good for you!

- Get off! - Is there a problem, Mr. Hart?

No problem here at all. No problem.

[magazine slapping] - Oh! Ah!

- We are gonna have a serious discussion on your manhood.

- Hey, you need to get outta my face, Dondre.

- Any day. What up, Kev?

- Let me get that. - No, no, no!

What are you doing?! - You're in first.

You can bring me another one. Get another one.

- That's some [bleep].

- You better get off of my nuts.

- Shut your-- - You just threw my nuts

on the ground!

Go back there with the regular people!

This section's for winners! It's a group of winners up here!

I'm puttin' my damn...

headphones so...

I'm not gonna deal with nobody.

Uh! Whole thing is stupid.

- Oh, excuse me. - Huh?

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, wait a minute now.

Now it's a party. - I'm sorry.

- Hold on, now. - Excuse me.

- Shoot. Hello. Hell-- - Sh--!

- Regina!

- Oh, I don't believe this [bleep].

- So when you gonna stop playin' and show me some love?

Come here now. - [slapping]

- Oh! Conductor! - Shut up! [bleep].

- KEVIN: Conductor!

- [bell chimes]

- PILOT: Our cruising altitude will be 32,000 feet

with a flight time of five hours and twenty-five minutes.

Enjoy your flight. - [bell chimes]

- Hi, there. - Oh, hey. Hi.

- My name's Jasmine.

- Hi, Jasmine. I'm ...m Boris.

- I know. - [laughs]

- I'm addicted to " Addicted."

- Oh, wow. Yeah, that movie was R-rated

and you're way too young to have seen that.

- [laughs] No, I'm legal. - Oh, really?

- I'm 17. - Whoa! Okay.

- Yo. I can't believe

that Young Booksta is sittin' next to "the" Nelly.

You know how long I've been a fan?

- No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me, right?

- Since I was in my mama's belly.

- I had nothin' to do with that.

- You're my favorite old rapper.

- ♪

- I've seen a lot of things. - Okay! Good.

Yeah, um, hold that thought.

[whispering] Jackie? Jackie? Get up!

- [whispering] And go where? - [whispering] Sit over there.

- [whispering] I don't wanna sit over there.

- It's an aisle seat. It's much better for you.

- ♪

- [whispering] Oh, my God.

- Oh, so, they did have honey-roasted nuts.

- [sighing] Hey...

- ♪

- [magazine rustling]

- Say! What are you doin'?

- I'm putting my arm on the armrest, okay?

You have the other armrest. - What are you talkin' about?

It is an unwritten rule that the person

in the middle seat gets both armrests.

That's plane law!

- What? How do you know that?

What do you fly coach all the time?

- Oh, please! I don't remember the last time I flew coach.

Move your knees.

- Dondre! So good to see you.

Rackin' up those, uh, coach club points, right? The usual?

Ginger ale?

- [chuckles] Coach club points.

- She's talk... she's talkin' about--

- What are coach club points?

- --she's talkin' about the fact that people flew coach--

- Are you in her club? - Let me get away from you.

- Are you in the club? [laughs] - [bell chiming]

- Mm.

- [bell chiming] - Mm!

- Regina, he heard you.

- Do not talk to me. - Regina.

- [whispering] Where is the flight attendant?

- Regina, get your hand off my neck!

- How may I help you? - Yes, please.

Can I have some more champagne?

- Certainly, ma'am. - Thank you.

- You know what?

I'm gonna go ahead and take a glass, too.

- Sorry, sir. We're out.

- Uh. Fine.

- [whispering] Can I have another one?

- Absolutely. - Thank you.

- Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You just told me that you were out

and then you poured her more.

- Sir, you're scaring the passengers, all right?

- I'm not scaring-- - [loudly] Now if you raise

your voice again, I will have you restrained.

All right? - You are yellin'!

- Shhh! - Hey.

- [whispering] Thank you. - Are you [bleep] kidding me?

- You are making people feel unsafe, especially me!

- You need to slow down, okay?

You're drinking way too much. What is your problem?

- Suck an ass.

- Oh! - And you stop talkin' to me.

- Fine. I'm... don't talk to me.

- You know what? You tried to run over me

and you tried to sleep with my best friend Sanaa.

- What are you-- no, I did not!

Yes, I did it.

But, hey, be honest. Who wouldn't?

Did you see those titties?

- Oh, I...I watched you!

- You did not watch me! - [engine clattering]

- Oh! Oh!

- Ay! Ay! Uh! A-a-a-ah!

- Ah!

- A-a-a-ah!

- Wah! Wah! Wah!

- Help! Melissa!

- Whoa! Oh! - Ah! [sighs]

- Oh! Oh, gosh. - Oh, God.

- [exhaling, sobbing]

- Ah! Uh! Mm.

Are you okay?

- Mm. I'm okay. Mm.

- This feels right.

This feels so right, Regina.

Regina, listen to me.

Look, she came on to me.

- Oh.

- She was trying to get a catch, Regina.

- I'm so confused, but you're right.

She did have her titties out-- - She did!

That's why John Singleton gave her the part.

- Oh, God! I knew that bitch was dirty.

- Regina, I have-- - Mm-hmm?

- --and I always will be-- - Mm-hmm?

- --a one woman man.

- Ah! Oh!

- Okay? A one woman man.

- Ooh. Give me those lips.

- No. - Come here.

- No. - You give it to me.

- No. Mm-mm. - Mm! Mm!

- Mm. - Mm! Mm!

- Oh. [loudly] U-u-uh. - Mm!

- [smacking loudly]

- I got my hall pass back.

[laughs]

- Mm! - Mm!

- One woman man?

- I'll be back.

I'm a one woman--

Hey, you mind your business, pervert.

Nadine? What the hell are you doin' here?

- Looks like I'm about to do you.

- What? - [bell chimes]

- KEVIN: I'm about to take you for a ride.

- Pull my hair! Lock me in!

- Uh! Uh! - Take it easy.

- No. - [screaming]

- You're doin' it to my neck!

- [water splashing] - Wash your face.

- Man, I'm a rapper, too.

But...but I don't do booty rap like you.

I'm a conscious rapper.

My flow elevates.

Yo, will you listen to my mix tape?

- Hell, no!

- Come on, man. I'm your biggest fan.

- [sighs] Young brother, if I listen to your mix tape,

will you shut the [bleep] up the rest of the flight?

- Promise.

Oh, that'll be $20. - What?

Twenty dollars?

Two tens, mother [bleep].

- Uh. Hey, Dondre?

- What? - Dre?

- Yo.

- Um, do you know how to work these coach seats?

'Cause, uh, up in first-class we have power seats.

- There's nothing wrong with your seat.

That's my knee protectors.

I blocked you, just like when you played for the Knicks.

- [laughs] That's funny, yeah.

Now listen, could you please move

your little blockage thing so that I can relax?

- [sighs] I'm working, man. You just have to wait.

- Have to wait?

- [keyboard clicking]

- Why didn't you say that before? [laughs]

Hmm. Let me see. Oh, this is good.

Let me see. What kind of computer is this?

- What are--it's a-- - [glass shattering]

- Now you're not working.

- He's gonna need your prayers.

- You know, I've been sizing you up all night,

and I think if we both try really hard,

we can squeeze into

one of those tiny restrooms in the back.

- Speaking of restrooms, I gotta ...gotta go.

- Oh. - Excuse me.

- Hell, yeah, you can spend the night.

I mean, we both grown. [laughs]

- Jackie! Get up! - What?

- Get up! - No! I just sat down, Boris!

What? - [whispering]

- She is? Aw, I gotta go delete these Instagram pictures.

- Yeah, you better. You better go. Yeah.

- KEVIN: You're too high.

Lower, lower! Right there. Perfect.

- NADINE: Uh! - KEVIN: Hold on.

- NADINE: Uh! - [banging on door]

- Who's in there? Hey! - KEVIN: What?

- I gotta go. What are you-- - Hey!

- Go take your bald-ass back to coach. Just get outta here.

Charlie horse! - NADINE: Hey! Ah!

- Oh, goodie. You're back. - Yes, I'm back.

And listen to me, little girl.

As long as you're next to me, you're gonna act

like the underage girl you are and leave me alone,

or I will tell your mother, you understand me?

Where the hell is she anyway?

Excuse me. Are you, um-- - Over there.

- Huh?

- This is murder. - No, No.

- Ah! Wait, Boris. [bleep]!

Boris. Wait a minute.

- Mm-m-m! - [banging on door]

- Boris, I-- - What are you--

- [gasping]

- What are you doing?

What is going on?

- I was ...was helping Nadine find her, um--

- Her vagina?!

- Hey, girl. - Hey, beautiful.

- You look pretty. - So do you. I love your hat.

- Okay. - Girl? Yeah. Okay.

Look, let me, uh, hey, Nadine. Oh!

- You--get away! What you-- - A-a-ah!

Regina stop!

No...no... [sobbing]

- REGINA: A-a-ah!

- REGINA & KEVIN: [grunting]

- KEVIN: Wa-a-ah! A-a-a-ah!

- Uh! I would do anything for a drink right now.

- Girl, I know. - I could have a few actually.

- Right? - Excuse me, ladies.

I could not help but overhear your conversation

for beverages of the alcoholic nature.

- Oh, my gosh! You're Nelly!

- "It's getting hot in here." - [laughs]

- You guys, I think we should take off all of our clothes.

- WOMEN: [laughing]

- It sounds like a good idea to me.

- To me, too.

- [bell chimes] - Drinks all around.

- [laughs]

- Whoo-hoo! - Not...not you, young rapper.

It's for the old rappers.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. - What's up, Nelly?

- Huddle, huddle.

- What up? - Let me talk to y'all.

Very simple, guys.

We are headed to All-Star Weekend, okay?

And on top of that we got some fine young things

in row 37 tryin' to turn up.

It's time to rejoice!

Jackie Long! You're my man, right?

Breakout the wheels of steel and let's get it poppin'.

- You know I can get a party poppin'.

- I'm gonna go find some ones. I'm about to join in!

- ♪ Just dance with it collapse with it ♪

♪ Bop with it drop with it ♪

- I like your style, Nelly!

- ♪ Just dance with it collapse with it ♪

- You know who really entertains me

is that Michael Strahan.

I think he and Kelly have a thing for each other.

She says he likes his gap, but I think he likes

her gap, too, if you know what I mean? [laughs]

You can use that you know.

I think what's so appealing about the--

- REGINA: What's there now?

- Oh, my God, girl, I cannot believe that you fell for

Kevin's one woman bull [bleep]. - Uh, I know.

This little Negro has me twisted.

- Well, I don't know, but you're wasting your time.

Who you should be looking at, though, is Nelly.

I mean, have you seen his underwear ad?

- Mm, girl! And I was not looking at the underwear.

- I was like... [panting]

"Put it in my eyeballs."

- I was salivating. - I know!

- Enough! Stop it! Forget Nelly.

He's not the only one that can stuff a sock around here.

- Yes he is.

Oh, y'all must need to get a reminder what damage it can do.

- Oh, please. Put that thing away. That's...that's old.

- Yeah. Don't nobody want to see

your little musty, ashy [bleep].

- Sir? I'm gonna need you to take your seat.

'Cause if you don't, I will call the air marshal.

- What the hell is your problem, man?

- Please sit his little ass down.

- Okay. First of all, Regina, stop.

My seat is right here.

- Apparently, she's very uncomfortable with--

- You know he ran me over with a car!

- Look at the pain you're causing her. Look at the pain.

Sir! - This is bull [bleep].

Okay? There.

- Are you gonna sit down or am I gonna have to stuff

you in this overhead bin?

- Stuff me in the overhead bin? - I just had a protein shake.

I'm just lookin' for a little, small workout right now.

- Take your dumb ass back to the front, okay?

- Oo-oo-ooh! - Let me...let me handle this.

Now, Regina, listen--

- [bones cracking] - Ooh! Oh!

- Sir, didn't I tell you? Didn't I tell you?

Go to sleep. Don't you wanna go to sleep?

Huh? Huh? - [bleep]

- Oh, wow! - It's okay.

It's all right. - Uh! Uh!

- It's okay. It's all right.

- Ah! Mm!

- Thank you, Gary. You're Superman.

- Thank you very much. - Sit down.

You ladies take care, okay? - KEVIN: [sobbing]

- I always wondered what happened to that DJ Jazzy Jeff.

We all know what the Fresh Prince went on to,

but whatever happened to him?

- I don't know, lady. I have nothing.

- ♪ Everybody just dance with it ♪

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Hey, Nelly!

Why don't you go take your ass back to Coachville?

- As soon as you go to Smallville.

Ladies, why y'all up here? This [bleep] look whack.

- Oh. - The party's in the back.

- Okay. - Let's go!

- [laughs] Here we go! - Sounds fun.

- We're goin' outta here.

- Mm! - Goin' to a party!

- NELLY: We got some more ones! - What are you doin'?

Hey. It's gonna be stupid back there.

- ♪ My go to girl - [passengers cheering]

- ♪ My go to girl you're my go to girl ♪

♪ You're my go to girl you're my go to girl ♪

♪ My go to girl, take that

♪ Make my bells ring

♪ Let me know what's really good ♪

- What the hell is goin' on back here?

- ♪ Coming straight up a G from the hoods of LA ♪

♪ Getting picked up - Wha! Wha!

- I'm here! Party got real.

Oh, I got me one. Found me one. Hey!

Ooh! Choo-choo, I'm following you!

Choo-choo, I'm following you! Oh!

This is crazy! What's your name?

- Cece!

- I gotta sneeze! [sneezes]

What do y'all call this? - It's the mile high club.

- The mile high club? - Yep.

- Okay. Well, normally, I would just take you in the bathroom.

- In your dreams!

- Hey! Hey! I'm gonna get in your seams.

- Uh! Uh! Uh! Uh!

- Hey! Excuse me, first-class!

This is a coach-only party.

Get your ass in first-class, Kevin.

- Shut up. Shut up. - Get out! You shut up, Kevin!

- You shut up!

And you crawl your little ass back to first-class.

- Well, if that's the case, Regina, then you need to take

your little, funky ass up to first-class with me

'cause you was up there, too.

- Yeah, but we're not assholes like you, Kevin.

- Yo, what is that vest made out of?

- That's right, Kevin.

Why don't you go on back where you belong, Kevin?

- Yeah, get-- - Yeah! Get outta here!

- Go back to first-class!

- [chanting]

Go back to first-class!

Go back to first-class!

- Go! - What are you doing?

- Go back to first-class! - Air marshal!

Let's go, Mr. Hart.

You're coming back to first-class with me.

- Stop it. Okay.

You ain't no damn air marshal. Stop being ridiculous.

You're the lady that was telling a bunch of bad stories up there.

- All right. Let's go. You have the right to remain silent.

- Um, you got the right to remain skinny, but you didn't.

Back off! - Oh, hell, no!

- I would like to do it, but I didn't.

- [heavy thud] - Oh!

- Now you gonna call me fat? Huh?

- [heavy thuds] - I'm a hungry [bleep].

- Nelly!

- Imma come at ya with all cylinders!

- [thudding continues]

- KEVIN: Look, I could take the beat down,

I could even take gettin' kicked off the plane,

even missin' the All-Star game.

But what I couldn't take was listening to

Bob's big girl all weekend.

- Did you see " White Chicks"? Hilarious.

Ooh, and then he did that other one

with his brother, " Little Man."

Did you see--like one of 'em's big and one of 'em's little.

Then they get together and they eat pie.

I don't care for pie.

I always was a cake person myself.

- [muffled groan]

- ♪

- [crowd cheering] - [heart beating]

- ♪