Original subtitles

- KEVIN: Some people think I'm an actor.

The truth is, I'm a well-oiled machine, baby.

I'm doin' four movies, five TV shows,

and I'm recording an album.

Now some people say Imma burnout,

but so will the sun...

millions of years from now.

- Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

- KEVIN: [sighs] Bobby--

- [growling] - --Schmurder.

- ♪ This is the life, this is the life ♪

♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪

♪ This is the city where we party every night ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ Just you and me

♪ Down and to go

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- Bobby Schmurder, fresh off the trial

for attempted Schmurder.

Known for the Schmoney dance, Schmonkin' marijuana,

also known for his number one single "Hot[bleep]."

For some reason, he thinks I own him.

Must be out of his mother-Schmuckin' mind.

I guess I'll break...the balls.

[laughs] - Okay.

- Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

What the--

Hey, you got somethin' on your lip, bro.

There's somethin' right there.

- Oh, thank you, man.

I don't owe you nothin', all right?

- Yes, you do, Kevin. But listen...

- Bobby, right now you Schmurdering your words.

I don't--I don't even know what you're sayin', man.

Just have your agent call my agent,

and we'll--we'll work it out.

- Hold on, hold on, hold on, listen.

Hold on. I wrote up this contract.

- [paper rustling]

- ♪

- [yelling] Kevin!

- [engine revving]

- Let me get my car.

- Oh, um, I'm sorry, Mr. Hart,

but Mr. Long already picked up your car.

- Mr. Long picked up my car?

- Mm-hmm. - And you gave it to him?

- Yeah. - It's raining!

I don't need my car? - Uh-uh.

- Bah, bah, chitty, chitty, bang, bang.

- Yeah, uh, you know what, Bobby?

I think I'm just gonna go ahead and catch a Uber, man.

- What you mean catch an Uber when I got an Uber over here?

I got that granddaddy,

we got sour, we got cuz,

we got that Ringwald. - Ringwald?

- Just jump in. Come on!

Yeah, bring that ass here, boy.

- Okay. What up, bro? - Hey, man.

- I got S&Ms. I got black and and mauve.

I got aqua cotton candy.

I got jail breakers, too.

- Okay, uh...

I'm just gonna be honest with you, baby.

I don't really know what none of that [bleep] was.

Uh, I'll take the jellybeans.

You lost me, "a smog log" and "jail break."

- That's all you want? - Yeah.

I'm gonna take some jellybeans.

- Take them, try them. - That's about it for me.

- How they taste?

- That's a good jellybean.

- On toilet paper?

- Just check it out.

- You got some neat ass handwriting.

- [laughs] That's what I do, man.

But if you don't like it, you can wipe your ass with it.

[laughs] - Ah!

- So what's going here? - Why are you yelling?

- It's my club voice.

I'm--plus, this is turned up.

- Turn it down. - For what?

- Turn it down. - That's the name of the song.

That's funny. Look, you see that?

Look at her. Look at her.

She's--she's looking this way.

That's a Brady special right there.

- Uh, no. She want me, dawg.

- Oh no, that's a fan of daytime TV, I can tell.

- First of all, she's on neither of you.

If I was in this game, she would be on me.

- WAYNE: Here she comes - DUANE: But you're not.

Hello.

- I didn't mean to stare, but...don't I know you?

- Well, first of all, sweetheart, you see this ring?

That means I'm married, okay. - Mm-hmm.

- [phone ringing] - And?

- And, you hear that ring?

That's my wife.

- That's the end.

- No, no, no, no, don't go nowhere.

Hey, yeah. Hmm. - Take it.

- For what? - Just take it.

- Pick the phone up.

- Hello.

Yes, ma'am.

- [laughs]

- No. No, no, no, ma'am.

It won't happen again.

Okay, I'll cover 'em up. [sighs]

- Wow.

- Tisha don't play. - No, Tisha is CIA.

- [yelling] Yeah!

That's right. Yes, it is a Jag.

It is all mine! Ladies! [laughs]

It goes zero to my apartment real quick.

Excuse me, man.

- Jackie! Where's Kev?

- He was supposed to be here at 8.

- Oh, snap!

I knew I forgot something.

- Check, check, check. Yo!

Can I get everybody's attention, please?

- [crowd cheering] - Thank you! Thank you!

Everybody know I do hip hop and country.

So I created a new genre of music called "Hick Hop."

Get it? Hick Hop.

I want y'all to make some noise for my new artist G-Twang

in the buil-l-l-lding!

- [crowd cheering]

- ♪ Country for life, country for life ♪

♪ Ye-e-eah

♪ That's what I'm talking about ♪

♪ Country for life, country for life ♪

♪ Ye-e-eah

♪ All right, whippin', rollin' ♪

♪ Suckin' slowly, lick your [unintelligible] ♪

♪ Y'all don't know me, ♪ I'm all golden

♪ Game strong like [unintelligible] ♪

♪ Check the votes, all gator for ya'll haters ♪

♪ We give the truck stops new [unintelligible] ♪

♪ Like now or later ♪ - [snoring]

- Hey! Bobby!

Hey, man.

I gotta be honest with you this script is good.

- The script is great, man.

No, no. I done read it down to the cardboard, man.

- [laughing]

- I got to call Spielberg on this one.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, but hold on.

Wait, wait, wait. You got another copy?

- [brakes screech]

- Oh [bleep].

Kev, you-- - A-a-ay!

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪ - [laughing]

- Yeah, yeah. [laughing]

Hey, man, I love this guy.

I love that guy!

- ♪ You don't know me though, you don't know me though ♪

♪ You don't know me, though - Watch out, man.

I'm trying to get in here.

[yelling] A-a-a-ay!

Yo-o-o!

A'right. Hey!

You need to let chocolate dropper get up there

and show you how it's done!

Okay.

Let chocolate dropper get up-- - Kevin.

- I need to show 'em myself.

- Oh, no, no! - All right!

They're tryin' to kill me! - No, man.

- You tryin' to kill me! - Let's go!

- You tryin' to kill me, huh? - Not me.

You don't want it with me, brother!

- Not me! - You're acting crazy!

- I ain't crazy. You actin' crazy.

- You're actin' like you're high.

- If I was high, could I do this?

- Uh, yes. - Hmm?

Yeah! I'm all natural, baby.

I ain't high.

I'm--I'm low.

[laughs] Okay?

That's what I am, baby.

- Oh! Whoa! What is--what is this?

- They're jellybeans, baby! They're my jellybeans!

- Jellybeans? - Where you get that from?

- I got 'em from my man, Bobby Schmurder.

- ALL: Bobby Schmurder!

- What are you doing hanging out with that dude?

- Bobby is my friend-- - Oh!

- --who just so happened to have wrote a script for me

on toilet paper that's [bleep]!

Hey, y'all hear that?

He wrote the script on toilet paper.

The script was the [bleep]. - We got it.

- [laughing]

- ♪ You don't know me though, you don't know me though ♪

♪ You don't know me though, country, country for life ♪

- [crowd cheering]

- I wanna thank everyone here at Karma.

I especially wanna give mad props to Nelly--

- [crowd cheering]

- --for believing in hick hop.

All y'all are my [bleep].

- [silence]

- [glass shattering]

- Boo-oo-oo!

- [crowd booing]

- Did that white [bleep] just call us [bleep]?

- ♪ Country, country for life ♪

- We're live at Karma bar and restaurant,

where according to police officials,

35 people have been injured, 2 in critical condition,

after a controversial performance

by Nelly's hick hop artist, G-Twang.

- All y'all are my [bleep].

- [crowd jeers]

- Reverend Al Sharpton and his Black Action Network

has already called a nationwide boycott against

G-Twang's hick hop anthem, "Boyz in the Woodz."

Standing with me is actor, comedian Kevin Hart.

Kevin, what do you think-- - Uh!

- [urinating loudly] - [siren wailing]

- KEVIN: Get it out. Here it is.

- Kevin? - You're taping this?

Well, you might wanna cut that camera off

'cause I gotta [bleep], too. - [passes gas]

- I see it, but it's not like G-Twang killed anybody.

- Nelly, it doesn't matter!

People think that G-Twang is a racist.

- Aw! Boy ain't no racist.

I mean, he just took the "Boyz in the Woodz" thing

a little too far, that's all.

Now what you need to be worried about is

Kevin "I smoked the TV mama" Hart.

Did you see that [bleep]? - Yes.

- Pissin' all over the place.

- Look, let me worry about Kevin, okay?

Right now, I'm worried about you.

This is serious, Nelly.

Both the Grammys and the CMAs have uninvited you.

- The Country Music Awards? - Mm-hmm.

- How? He white!

Just tell me whose Bar Mitzvah or kid's birthday party

I gotta perform at-- - No, that's not gonna cut it.

Look. Tom Orange wants you

to come onto his show-- - Ooh!

- --and bring G-Twang, and you two can--

- Hmm-mm. Hmm-mm.

All he's gonna do is sit there and talk over me.

It's like frickin' arguing with you.

- All right, fine.

Then your next option is Al Sharpton.

- Hell no! Definitely not him.

Fat Al, maybe.

The little, skinny dude?

I don't trust him at all, aright?

And besides, everybody knows

a little controversy sells, Trina.

Relax!

I'm havin' a meeting with Russell Simmons tomorrow...

no sweat.

- Okay. - I got it!

- Ok, fine. You got it? Okay, good.

Then I don't need to do my job.

I thought that you wanted your lawyer's advice.

You want me to relax, I will relax.

- You bought them.

- KEVIN: I don't know what Bobby gave me last night,

but my daddy always told me,

"Never touch another man's jellybeans."

All right. Stop, stop, stop, before I throw up.

Look, I need you to give me something for my head, okay?

- All right. What you need?

- Just--I need something in general.

Go get me somethin' with a lot of grease in it.

- A lot of grease?

- A lot of grease, man, so I can feel better, please?

- All right, cool. - All right.

Watch out, so I can get in the trailer.

- Go around.

- Jackie, get your ass up. - That's stupid--

- You know how much time it takes me

to walk around like that? - No time at all!

- Yeah, it does, Jackie.

- This is about the dumbest-- - I told you I don't feel good.

[sighs]

- I'll be right back, man. - Thank you.

- Yay-yay! - Ooh-ooh!

- [slams door]

- Mm, mm, mm.

- [toilet flushing] - Hey, Kev.

I like this little situation you got goin' on here, man.

This [bleep] is real fly.

But I think you need to get your toilet fixed, man.

There's something wrong with your "spectical" tank.

- Bobby, what the hell are you doing here?

As a matter fact, I don't even wanna know, Bobby.

Get the hell out of my trailer. Just go.

- Man, you're movin' like that already, sir?

I put you in a movie, that's how you trippin' out on me?

- What is your--what movie, man? You know, forget about it.

Don't even answer that. 'Cause right now, I'm hungover.

And you know what? My headache actually has a headache.

So leave, man. - Hey, listen.

I'm gonna get you right, hold on.

- ♪

- Take one of these.

And take two, three of these.

- Mm-mm. Takin' nothin' from you, man!

- Yeah, what's you do that for? You allergic to aspirin?

- I'm allergic to drugs, Bobby!

Like the ones you snuck me the other night!

I'm not takin' nothin' from you, man!

- Listen, Kev, there's a difference between me

sneaking you drugs and you taking the drugs around me, man.

- Oh! - Now listen.

Matter of fact, I don't even have time for this, man.

I gotta meeting with Scorsese, man.

- Bye. - Enjoy the Schmurda water.

- ♪

- Schmurda water?

- Hey, Kev.

I got your grease steak in there for grease sauce

and a side of grease like you asked for.

Kevin? Kevin, you okay, man?

You all right? No, no, no, Kevin.

- [slurring nonsense]

I gotta sweat this Schmurda water out!

- Kevin! Kev! Where you goin'?

- [snoring]

- Kev! - [brakes screech]

- I've been looking for you everywhere!

- ♪

- Kev--oh, my God. You naked.

Kevin! - Yeah?

- Look, get up. Get up, man!

Put your clothes on.

Nobody wants to see all this, come on!

Get up, man! What did you do?

Gol-ly! - Get my shoe.

- I got your shoe, man, here! Get in, man!

- All right.

- Ah! - Sludge.

- Yeah, you got that on your seat.

Man, what is you doin'

with your ass out on a newspaper, Kevin?

- ♪

- [water splashing] - [bleep] Oh!

- I've gotta sober you up, boy!

- It's too cold! - It don't matter.

I gotta sober you up. - [doorbell rings]

- That's enough! Stop it, Jackie!

- There's another bug on you!

- KEVIN: I feel good! - Look! No, Kevin!

Right now! It's right there!

- Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

You get my hair wet, I swear, I will take that hose

and I will give you a colonic.

- It's a butt--a bug.

- I don't care. Put the hose down.

- You-- - Down. Down!

Okay, now we can talk.

Gu--for God's sake, cover up?

- Oh, my bad.

- What's going on with you?

You ran off of set yesterday.

They called, said you disappeared.

You're all over television urinating on the walls.

This is not like you, Kevin.

Well, it's... kind of like you.

Look-- - [gagging]

Oh, God.

- See? I told you. He's sick.

That's why I had the water hose, trying to clean him up.

- [vomiting] - Oh, my goodness.

That is guttural.

It's coming from the bottom of his ankles.

I've never seen anything-- - [vomiting]

- --oh, God.

- And I gotta clean it.

- Are you done?

Oh, that was an experience.

Oh, honey.

I'm-- - [belches] Uh.

- --uh-- - Mm.

- I am really-- - Uh.

- --seriously very worried about you.

- Uh. What?

No need to be worried about me, Trina.

- Okay. - I'm about to--[blows]--

I'm about to go 'head and get dressed...

for set right now.

- You do that.

- [belches] [passes gas]

Both ends, I'm sorry.

That was a double.

Uh, God.

- See what I'm sayin', Trina?

- Look, I don't know what's going on with him.

But I know you need to watch him better, okay?

- I got everything under control.

- Do you? - Aright. Look,

I'm gonna take him down to the oxygen bar

and get a little O2 in his system.

He gonna be brand new.

You don't gotta worry about nothin'.

- TRINA: I'm not really sure what's going on with Kevin,

but I have my suspicions.

I used to represent Robert Downey Jr.,

until he got drunk one night, pulled down his pants,

and tried to show me his "Ironman."

This feels vaguely familiar.

- ♪

- NELLY: See, y'all, Trina just don't understand

the record business.

A little controversy has never hurt record sales.

Well, except for Robin, of course.

But anyway, I got a meeting

with someone who does understand.

Russell!

What's happenin', baby? [sighs]

- Why the [bleep] are we in here smokin' this [bleep], man?

This smells terrible in here.

There's poison in this [bleep]. - Come on.

I know you in your natural [bleep].

There's nothin' more natural than a tobacco leaf, Russell.

- Paramount is more natural than that [bleep].

You got chemicals in there and everything.

That's gonna kill you. - That--that's--

- Anyway, I got something more important to tell ya.

Listen, I can't make that deal.

I can't even really be seen with your ass.

You got problems.

- But you sent over the contract.

- Have you seen your Instagram account, [bleep]?

You can't have white boys sayin' "[bleep] at my [bleep]."

You oughta know better than that.

Have you seen your Twitter account?

My Twitter account's blowin' up!

Sayin' don't [bleep] with you!

- Your Twitter sayin' "Don't [bleep] with me?"

- Wait till you see your [bleep].

- So why you send over the paperwork, Russell?

- That was pre-[bleep], my [bleep].

- I gotta go. - What? Wait!

- I gotta get the [bleep] outta here.

- Russell, why you rushin'?

Trina was right.

My ass is in a Def Jam now.

- ♪

- All right, look, man. You gonna be all right.

It's just an oxygen bar.

- A what? - Oxygen bar, man.

Sit down.

Look, you gonna take this, put it in your nose, okay?

- Look, Jackie, I'm tryin' to sober up

and you want me to put something in my damn nose?

- Kevin, it's pure oxygen, okay?

It's gonna clear you head and get you right.

Put it in your nose, man. - All right.

I've got it.

- That oxygen's gonna get you real right, Kev.

- Bobby Schmurder. - [laughs]

- What the hell are you doin' here, man?

- [bleep], you didn't know Bobby Schmurda's a big Schmago?

It's part of my empire.

- Wait a minute. Hold on.

Why this taste all chewy?

- Give it a few seconds. It's gonna kick in.

Three, two, one.

- Wait a minute!

- Look, man.

- Whoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

Time-- - Kevin!

- --for me to take off.

Guess what I am?

- What? - Black cockatoo.

- [laughs]

- No, you're not! - Yes!

Cockatoo. Caw, caw! - You're not no damn bird!

- Whoa! Whoa! - Kevin! Kevin!

Bobby, what the [bleep] did you put in this, man?

- It's called "Schmug."

It's hooked up to my '72 bug.

- Man, you-- let me hit this then.

This [bleep].

- ♪

- [snoring]

- ♪

- I'm drinkin' water.

- We should--we should just throw him in the bag and take--

- Hey. - [whispering] Wait, it's Kev.

- What the hell's goin' on in here?

Who let y'all in my house?

- Look, we're here because we wanna talk to you

about your problem.

- What problem? Huh?

- [newspaper rustling] - Tell me.

- Aw. - Oh, God.

- I need some tape.

I'm sorry, guys.

Hey, but at least y'all know I'm a man.

- Okay. Kevin, look, for the last few days,

you've been behaving rather erratically, and, uh,

we--the people who love you-- - And me, who does not.

- --we, your friends-- - Start over. I fell asleep.

- [laughs]

- Look, Kev, we're here because we care about you, brother.

- And we feel like you need help.

- Y'all feel like I need help? - Yes.

- TRINA: Mm-hmm.

- Aha! Ah-ah-ah!

That's me laughing.

Ah-ah-ah.

- Boy, don't act like you ain't been gettin' high...

up in here.

- And you're like way up there...

like "Above the Rim."

- And we should just call you Mr. Let's-Make-A-Drug-Deal.

- And you've been acting really unwholesome,

the opposite of my character...

on "The Cosby Show."

- Okay, hey. Everybody stop.

- Well, hold on, hold on, Dondre, I don't think

you should be mentioning the word "wholesome" and "Cosby"

in the same sentence.

- Oh, yeah, that's true.

- What you talk--it's not like he was Edwin.

- ALL: It's Elvin! - Okay! It does mat--

Look, all y'all have been tricked!

Bamboozled!

- [newspaper rustling]

- Led--uh, led astray. - Led astray.

- I got roofied. - Kev, look, Kev.

- [slapping] - Oh! [bleep]!

- You're in denial, man!

We're here to help you.

- I am in L.A.! Jackass. - TRINA: Oh, gosh.

- The Nile is where the [bleep] water come down at.

How 'bout you get your settings or your bearings straight?

So who's wrong now?

- TRINA: Okay. - Who? Who high?

- TRINA: It's fine. - Mr. Live in the Nile?

- This was to be expected, a'right?

But look, none of us are going anywhere

until you admit you have a problem.

We're here for you.

- So nobody's leaving till I admit I have a problem?

- No. - Absolutely not.

We are sticking this thing out.

- This is ridiculous.

I-I can't believe--

Okay, you know what?

I got a problem.

- That's what we're talkin' about.

- Hey, man, you know what? You know what?

That's--that's good, Kev. - We're at our first step now.

- [clapping] - That's the first step.

- And now we can start the process.

- Okay? I'm very proud of you.

- I gotta question. - Yeah.

- What's that? - You guys didn't do your part.

You said if I say I gotta problem that you would...

get the [bleep] out.

- I thought we could do this the easy way, clearly not.

- Yeah, well...clearly not. - Right.

- Boys!

- Boys what?

Hey, you need to give me my--hey, get the--uh!

Jackie!

- Hey! - Wait!

I know how to make 'em drop me!

- Kev, it's gonna be okay!

- A-a-a-ah!

- I got ya! I got ya! Now, come on! Come on!

- Stop it! - Come on! Come on!

- Stop it! Put me down!

- [passing gas]

- A-a-ah!

- Ah! - No!

- Ah! - Look! Stop it!

Okay, listen!

I'm not an addict!

You don't--ah! Got it!

Ooh!

- ♪

- [crowd cheering] - [heart beating]

- ♪