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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,714 - [laughs] Look at this here. 2 00:00:16,842 --> 00:00:19,372 If this isn't the last comic standing, in the food line. 3 00:00:19,497 --> 00:00:22,327 - [laughs] See those the kinda jokes we need, we can kill 4 00:00:22,457 --> 00:00:23,757 on our show together, brotha. - We? 5 00:00:23,893 --> 00:00:26,113 What do you mean we can kill? We ain't going nowhere. 6 00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:27,383 What are you talking about? 7 00:00:27,505 --> 00:00:29,415 - Damn, Little Seymour, what you sitting here 8 00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:30,681 talking to me like that? 9 00:00:30,813 --> 00:00:31,813 You owe me, man. 10 00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:33,344 Why won't you take us on tour? 11 00:00:33,468 --> 00:00:34,598 - I ain't taking you on no tour. 12 00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:36,210 - This Earthquake, man. - What does that mean? 13 00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:37,820 - You ain't gonna take me on tour? 14 00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:39,390 - No. - The man who started you. 15 00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:41,127 - Oh, don't you start with that Mike Epps [bleep]. 16 00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:42,828 - Man, I started you and that [bleep]. 17 00:00:42,955 --> 00:00:43,995 - It's your name. - My name? 18 00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:46,611 - Your name means disaster. 19 00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:49,352 People do not line up to buy tickets to a disaster. 20 00:00:49,484 --> 00:00:51,014 - Adam's a good name. Conjures up beginnings. 21 00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,618 Adam was the first man. 22 00:00:52,748 --> 00:00:54,178 Adam starts with an "A". 23 00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:56,835 Which means I should be your opening act. 24 00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:58,059 - Who the [bleep] are you? 25 00:00:58,188 --> 00:00:59,538 - I was wondering the same thing, Kevin. 26 00:00:59,668 --> 00:01:01,188 It should be just you and me, right, baby? 27 00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:04,462 - Uh, no, it shouldn't. - Go on, get that. 28 00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:07,238 - No, no, no, stop it. 29 00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:08,201 You're not gonna get me to do that. 30 00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:09,159 - Wh-why not? 31 00:01:09,286 --> 00:01:10,506 - Because last time I did that, 32 00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:11,895 I had to get a restraining order and a tetanus shot. 33 00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:13,158 - Yeah, but you love that [bleep]. 34 00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:14,600 - You know what? I'm done here. 35 00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:17,026 And you're done, too. - Man, put my damn food down. 36 00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:18,214 - ADAM: We're starving. 37 00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:19,909 - I want the one in the middle, Kevin. 38 00:01:20,036 --> 00:01:21,336 - ♪ This is life, this is the life ♪ 39 00:01:21,472 --> 00:01:23,562 ♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪ 40 00:01:23,692 --> 00:01:25,872 ♪ This is the city where we party everynight ♪ 41 00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:26,868 ♪ Party every night 42 00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:28,959 ♪ Just you and me 43 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,699 ♪ Down and to go 44 00:01:30,829 --> 00:01:32,789 ♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪ 45 00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:35,048 ♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪ 46 00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:38,402 - ♪ 47 00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:40,973 - Uh, hi. Let's see here, what do I want? 48 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,491 Ba, ba, ba, ba, bap, bow. 49 00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:44,755 Salli? 50 00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,407 - Kevin. - Oh, my goodness. 51 00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:47,191 Look at this. 52 00:01:47,324 --> 00:01:48,594 - [laughs] - Look at you. 53 00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:50,277 Sir, am I talking? 54 00:01:50,414 --> 00:01:51,944 Black people can't have nothing. 55 00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:53,368 - [laughs] - Goodness. 56 00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:54,294 - Come on over here and give me a hug. 57 00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:55,938 How you doing? - I'm doing good. 58 00:01:56,072 --> 00:01:57,122 You look great. 59 00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:58,417 - SALLI: [laughs] - You look so great. 60 00:01:58,553 --> 00:02:00,253 - Okay. All right. 61 00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:01,431 - KEVIN: I'm sorry. - [laughs] 62 00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:02,506 So what you doing here? - I live here. 63 00:02:02,644 --> 00:02:03,954 I live in a penthouse. 64 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,170 - Oh, yeah, I...I've been hearing about your poker game. 65 00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:08,741 Now why don't you ever invite me? 66 00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:11,907 - ♪ 67 00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:14,664 - I would love to play... 68 00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,216 poke...her. 69 00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:20,713 Kevin? Kevin? 70 00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:22,226 Kevin, you okay? 71 00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:23,839 - Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, fine. 72 00:02:23,969 --> 00:02:25,619 - So, cool? - Yes, it's cool. 73 00:02:25,754 --> 00:02:28,104 Come--um, if you want you can play in like an hour. 74 00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,185 - SALLI: Okay, perfect. 75 00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:33,203 Uh, just be ready to lose your shirt. 76 00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:39,422 - I need a shot of Jack and a shot of [bleep] dynamite. 77 00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:43,820 - ♪ 78 00:02:43,946 --> 00:02:46,506 - Wayne and I have been dating steadily for the past year. 79 00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:47,954 And we've reached the point in the relationship 80 00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:51,130 when you have to ask yourself that critical question. 81 00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,558 - So what do you want for dinner? 82 00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:56,785 Mexican, Italian or my personal favorite, 83 00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:58,695 Trina-dadian. 84 00:02:58,830 --> 00:03:01,050 - Mmm. - [laughs] 85 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,621 - I actually already have plans. 86 00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:04,748 - Hmm? 87 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:05,970 - Yeah, my parents are in town. 88 00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:08,538 - Wh-whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 89 00:03:08,666 --> 00:03:11,926 Isn't it a little too soon for me to be meeting the parents? 90 00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:14,501 - Oh, thank God. Phew. 91 00:03:14,629 --> 00:03:15,849 - Thank God for what? 92 00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:16,978 - Well, first of all, that was not an invitation, 93 00:03:17,109 --> 00:03:18,939 it was just a statement. 94 00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:20,808 But I am so happy that we are on the same page about this. 95 00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:22,639 - And what page would that be? 96 00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:25,547 - The "you don't need to meet my parents" page. 97 00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:28,733 - [laughs] Well you can just rip that page right out 98 00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,080 the book, because I would be happy to meet your parents. 99 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,431 - Wait, I don't understand. I'm confused. 100 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,560 You just said that you thought it was too soon. 101 00:03:34,692 --> 00:03:36,522 - Nope, nope, nope. I never said it was too soon. 102 00:03:36,651 --> 00:03:39,041 I asked you if you thought it was too soon. 103 00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:40,735 - No. - No, no, no, I did. 104 00:03:40,872 --> 00:03:42,182 - No, but over there you just-- - Wait a minute, 105 00:03:42,309 --> 00:03:44,139 let's rewind the tape. 106 00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,437 [imitates tape rewinding] 107 00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:47,753 - Are you gonna do that thing you do with--okay. 108 00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,399 - [imitates tape rewinding] 109 00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:52,933 Whoa, whoa, I'd love to meet your parents, baby. 110 00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:54,448 It would be my honor. 111 00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,802 Unless you think it's too soon to meet your parents. 112 00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:58,022 Click. 113 00:03:58,150 --> 00:03:59,370 Yeah, that's what happened. 114 00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,980 - ♪ 115 00:04:02,111 --> 00:04:03,591 - Is Trina Shaw going to choke a bitch? 116 00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:07,511 - ♪ 117 00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:09,898 - Gotta set the mood a little bit, Kev. 118 00:04:10,032 --> 00:04:11,862 Oh. - [doorbell rings] 119 00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:12,820 - That's her. Wait, wait, wait. 120 00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:13,688 Coleman, Coleman. -Yes, Sir. 121 00:04:13,818 --> 00:04:14,728 - How do I look? 122 00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:17,043 Am I giving too much bulge? 123 00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:18,819 - You're average for your culture, sir. 124 00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:20,004 - Okay, that's good. 125 00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:21,089 All right, go ahead, open it up. 126 00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:25,444 - Straight up time. Look who it is. 127 00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:27,439 - No, no, no, no. - Good evening, gentlemen. 128 00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:28,961 - No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop. 129 00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:30,624 Change of plans. 130 00:04:30,748 --> 00:04:31,708 - Oh, no, no, no, ain't no change of plans, man. 131 00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:32,966 This is my only day away from Tisha, all right? 132 00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:34,488 We're playing cards. 133 00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,232 - I don't have the time. - Oh, what you got? 134 00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:37,493 - KEVIN: Come on, Nelly. 135 00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:38,755 - Cherry vodka. 136 00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:40,797 What kind of hood rat thought you got coming? 137 00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:42,062 - Come on, man. 138 00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:42,984 I'll tell you later, dude, just come on go. 139 00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:44,628 - Dating yourself again? 140 00:04:44,762 --> 00:04:45,942 - If I tell y'all who it is, will y'all leave? 141 00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:47,328 - BOTH: No. 142 00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:48,551 - Salli Richardson is coming over. 143 00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:49,769 - [laughs] 144 00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:51,508 - Okay, this may sound crazy from me but, um, 145 00:04:51,639 --> 00:04:52,859 isn't she married? 146 00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:53,818 - She came to me. 147 00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:54,895 - [laughs] 148 00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:56,433 - What's so funny? 149 00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:57,467 - Yeah and I'm doing a movie with Will. 150 00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:59,691 - About [bleep] damn time. - [doorbell rings] 151 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,301 - What is [unintelligible]. 152 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,997 - What's up, Kev? 153 00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,840 - [chokes] 154 00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:18,267 Phew. 155 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,745 Where the hell is Salli at? 156 00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:22,844 - Now you know I sent Dondre there on purpose. 157 00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,984 Everyone's career takes off at that poker game. 158 00:05:25,107 --> 00:05:27,457 J.B., Robin Thicke, Kevin. 159 00:05:27,588 --> 00:05:30,548 And Dondre's career needs to take off. 160 00:05:30,678 --> 00:05:32,288 Before I take off. 161 00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:34,459 - ♪ 162 00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:38,694 - ♪ 163 00:05:38,816 --> 00:05:41,116 - Sammy Sosa steps up to the plate, right? 164 00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:42,603 Hits a deep shot to left field. 165 00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,213 Now mind you, I'm playing center field. 166 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,304 Duane, Duane, Duane. 167 00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:46,962 - I'm up. - DONDRE: Stay with me. 168 00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:52,175 So I...I run 50 yards, jump and snag the game-winning home run. 169 00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:55,658 I got voted MVP of the pee wee league championships. 170 00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:56,790 Boom. 171 00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:58,231 - What kind of guy carries around a pee wee 172 00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,838 championship ring in a box? 173 00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:01,968 - Kind of guy that got called up to the big leagues. 174 00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:04,150 See unlike you, Nelly, I got drafted, too. 175 00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:05,626 Except I played. - What? 176 00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:07,406 - Okay, will you stop dealing bull [bleep] 177 00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:08,631 and deal the cards, man? 178 00:06:08,759 --> 00:06:10,979 - Easy, easy, easy. - Come on. 179 00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:12,719 - How's your little movie coming, Kevin? 180 00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:15,510 What's it called, Sing Along, Roll Along, Get Along? 181 00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:16,986 - " Ride Along 3." 182 00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:18,595 It's a sequel. 183 00:06:18,726 --> 00:06:21,946 Triple, we had a trip--it's the third-- 184 00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:22,817 - It's a trilogy, man. 185 00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:24,907 - It's a trilogy is what it is. 186 00:06:25,036 --> 00:06:26,116 But you wouldn't know nothing about that, would you? 187 00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:27,995 Burn. 188 00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:31,566 - " Ride Along 3", man, they made three of those? 189 00:06:31,695 --> 00:06:33,215 When they gonna let you drive? 190 00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:35,049 - Okay, lookie here, Dondruff. 191 00:06:35,177 --> 00:06:38,177 Don't come in here trying to read my resume and check me. 192 00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:41,050 I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I had... 193 00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:43,753 - ALL: ...the highest grossing comedy movie of the year. 194 00:06:43,881 --> 00:06:45,491 - I sold out Madison Square Garden... 195 00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:46,932 - NELLY & KEVIN: ...twice. 196 00:06:47,058 --> 00:06:47,928 Burn. 197 00:06:48,059 --> 00:06:49,229 - What the--? What are you doing? 198 00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:50,755 What's going on? 199 00:06:50,888 --> 00:06:51,978 - The Knicks sell the Garden out all the time 200 00:06:52,107 --> 00:06:53,197 and they're awful. 201 00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:54,325 Huh, Duane? 202 00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:55,847 - Oh, burn. 203 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:56,760 - I hate you. 204 00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:58,684 - ♪ 205 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,214 - Wayne, why are you following me? 206 00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,038 - I came to meet the grandparents of our babies. 207 00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:08,986 - Oh, God, babies? 208 00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:11,474 You are moving entirely too fast. 209 00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,815 - You're right, wedding first. 210 00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:16,955 - Okay, I'm just gonna be really forward, okay? 211 00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:19,828 I am not interested in marriage, with you or anybody, 212 00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:21,831 or just not at all right now, okay? 213 00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:23,883 - Mmm, so you think you're just gonna date me? 214 00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:25,488 - That's what I thought we were doing. [laughs] 215 00:07:25,619 --> 00:07:28,669 - You think you're just gonna get all this for free? [laughs] 216 00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:29,926 You're gonna have to put a ring on it. 217 00:07:31,973 --> 00:07:34,633 Did you ever just lose your way in...in an argument? 218 00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:37,983 [whispering] Put a ring on it. 219 00:07:38,109 --> 00:07:40,289 - Okay, Wayne, I'm not marrying you, okay? 220 00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:41,546 And I'm not having your babies. 221 00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,068 - Uh, I think you're pregnant right now. 222 00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:44,291 - Why would I be pregnant right now? 223 00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:45,550 - Remember when I said oops? 224 00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,162 - Yes but I thought you said-- Mom! 225 00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:50,342 - Hi. - Hey. 226 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,250 - Look at you. - Thank--hey. 227 00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:54,304 Dad. 228 00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:56,080 Wayne, these are my parents, 229 00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:57,434 Elizabeth and Steve Shaw. 230 00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:58,744 - [laughs] 231 00:07:58,869 --> 00:08:01,219 - It is very nice to meet you, young man. 232 00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:03,570 Trina, he is cute. 233 00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:04,570 - Well, thank you. 234 00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:05,661 - Yeah. [laughs] 235 00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:07,099 Pleasure to meet you. 236 00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,785 Enchanté. [laughs] 237 00:08:09,924 --> 00:08:10,844 Sir. 238 00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:14,098 "Kiss my ass, not my hand." [laughs] 239 00:08:14,232 --> 00:08:15,412 Is this why you didn't want me to meet your dad, 240 00:08:15,538 --> 00:08:17,058 'cause he's a mute? - No. 241 00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:19,192 - White? [bleep]? 242 00:08:19,324 --> 00:08:21,024 - So when are you, uh, two getting married, 243 00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:23,502 because I need me some grand babies. 244 00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:25,333 - [laughs] That's why. 245 00:08:25,461 --> 00:08:27,381 Well, it's up to him. 246 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,287 - It's up to her. [laughs] 247 00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:31,731 - Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. 248 00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:35,079 - ♪ 249 00:08:35,210 --> 00:08:37,260 - Kevin, you have writers writing your jokes. 250 00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:38,776 That's why you're funny. 251 00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:41,169 - You think I need writers? Is that what you really think? 252 00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:43,613 No, see, see you got it all wrong, brotha. 253 00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:48,527 But you, on the other hand, you need an acting coach. 254 00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,358 Sarcastically. 255 00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:53,096 'Cause you killed more pilots than Duane Martin. 256 00:08:53,228 --> 00:08:54,748 - That's right. 257 00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:56,192 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out, time out. 258 00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:58,188 - Dave Chappelle killed more pilots than me. 259 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,190 - Okay, look, the point is you're not funny by yourself. 260 00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:03,153 - What? No. 261 00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:04,631 You're being ridiculous. 262 00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:07,551 Every--everything outta my mouth--dammit. 263 00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,027 Got popcorn stuck in my teeth. 264 00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:11,327 - Where Coleman at? Coleman! - Sir? 265 00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:12,033 - KEVIN: Popcorn in my teeth. 266 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,470 - Oh. Say aw. 267 00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:15,596 - Aw. 268 00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:17,209 - COLEMAN: Aw. - That's disgusting. 269 00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:18,379 - That proves my point. 270 00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:19,914 - What proves your point? 271 00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:20,997 - That you don't do nothing by yourself. 272 00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:22,515 - I do, too. - Okay, prove it. 273 00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:23,649 - Okay. 274 00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:25,960 - You and me, a joke off, jack off. 275 00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:27,347 - [laughs] 276 00:09:27,479 --> 00:09:28,479 - No writers, no Coleman, no nothing. 277 00:09:28,611 --> 00:09:29,961 - Say word? 278 00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:32,011 - Okay, first of all, when did you start doing comedy? 279 00:09:32,136 --> 00:09:34,696 - I was doing comedy before you could feel the pain, 280 00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:36,575 or they let you explain. 281 00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:39,446 Understand, grown little man? 282 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:44,629 - Bottom line, when I come to the stage, I bring nothing but-- 283 00:09:44,758 --> 00:09:47,198 when I come to the stage-- - The heat. 284 00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:49,195 - I don't like that. - BOTH: Thunder. 285 00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:50,757 - I bring thunder, mother [bleep]. 286 00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:52,034 - So what's the stakes? 287 00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:54,896 - It's simple, if I win, I get a permanent seat 288 00:09:55,029 --> 00:09:57,209 at the poker table and Coleman flosses my teeth. 289 00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,824 - Okay, so I'll tell you what, I'll take it a step further. 290 00:10:01,949 --> 00:10:05,469 If I win... [chomping popcorn] 291 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,075 Salli gets a seat at the table. 292 00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:10,085 - ♪ 293 00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:11,048 - That's a bet. 294 00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:13,565 - ♪ 295 00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,440 - You don't want it, but okay. 296 00:10:15,571 --> 00:10:17,181 - Oh, I want it. - Okay. 297 00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:22,362 What Kevin...what Kevin doesn't know is I also have a writer-- 298 00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:24,931 comedy guru Chris Spencer. 299 00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,539 Burn. 300 00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:29,539 - Chris Spencer, comedy guru? 301 00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:33,982 Oh well if he closes with that joke, he might win. [laughs] 302 00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:37,291 'Cause that...that [bleep] made me laugh. [laughs] 303 00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:38,809 Guru. 304 00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:40,122 Hey this is gonna be too easy. 305 00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:42,638 This is gonna be like Hulk, Hulk smashing Loki. 306 00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:45,822 Bam, bam, bam, bam. [growls] 307 00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:47,689 - ♪ 308 00:10:49,910 --> 00:10:52,170 - ♪ 309 00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:54,353 - [slurping] 310 00:10:54,479 --> 00:10:56,529 Woo, what do you call this drink again? 311 00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,736 - Sex on the beach, mom. 312 00:10:57,874 --> 00:11:00,924 - Oh, is that what you be doing to my daughter? 313 00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:02,921 [bleep] her on the beach. 314 00:11:03,053 --> 00:11:05,973 - Okay, all right, uh, let's take a bathroom break, mommy. 315 00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,140 - I ain't gotta go to the bathroom. 316 00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:09,185 I got them Depends on like Sheryl Underwood. 317 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:10,410 - [laughs] 318 00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:11,799 - TMI, let's go. Come on, mommy. 319 00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:12,982 - Sure miss chocolate. 320 00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:18,939 - WAYNE: [laughs] 321 00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:20,809 - Run. 322 00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:22,511 - Excuse me, did you just say something? 323 00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:24,158 - What do I have to spell it out for you? 324 00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:26,342 If you like having sex and you want to spend your money 325 00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:29,298 on [bleep], you want to spend it on, don't get married. 326 00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:30,687 - You can talk. 327 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,820 - Of course I can talk, just not to her. 328 00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:36,263 Seven years ago, she told me to shut the hell up 329 00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:39,521 and don't say not another word to her. 330 00:11:39,655 --> 00:11:41,875 Careful what you wish for, huh? 331 00:11:42,005 --> 00:11:43,615 Next year I'm thinking of being deaf. 332 00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:45,746 - Excuse me? - What'd you say? 333 00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:47,709 - Sorry? - Practicing. 334 00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:49,487 - Oh. 335 00:11:49,621 --> 00:11:51,281 - [glasses clink] 336 00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:53,756 - Who fakes being a mute and doesn't talk to his wife 337 00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:55,277 for seven years? 338 00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:56,540 Genius. 339 00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:00,021 - [crowd laughs] - TONY: Know what I mean? 340 00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,814 Ready for a good joke, clap your hands. 341 00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:03,808 - [crowd applause] 342 00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:06,070 - You came on a good night, people, tonight we're gonna 343 00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:08,823 have a laugh off between two very funny comedians. 344 00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:10,245 Dondre Whitfield. 345 00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:12,121 - [crowd applause] 346 00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:13,603 - Yeah, yeah, yeah you're kinda like who until you see him, 347 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,393 you'll...you'll know who he is. And Kevin Hart. 348 00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,167 - [crowd applause] 349 00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:19,961 - Yes. I have some comic friends in the building. 350 00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:21,827 They are gonna critique the performance. 351 00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:24,608 But the comedian with the biggest applause will win. 352 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,054 - [crowd applause] 353 00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:28,011 - Ready for the first comic? 354 00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,138 - CROWD: Yeah! 355 00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:30,490 - Give it up for Dondre Whitfield. 356 00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:35,759 - [crowd applause] 357 00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,925 - There is a huge difference between 358 00:12:38,061 --> 00:12:39,721 a Whole Foods 10-year-old girl 359 00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,456 and a McDonald's 10-year-old girl. 360 00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:42,976 - [crowd laughs] 361 00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:44,980 - McDonald's 10-year-old girls are huge and they got guts. 362 00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:46,502 - [crowd laughs] 363 00:12:46,635 --> 00:12:48,455 - And I'm not talking about their courage. 364 00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:49,733 - [crowd laughs] 365 00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:51,986 - Women love to see men walking with their kids. 366 00:12:52,119 --> 00:12:54,119 So when I walk through the mall with my kids, 367 00:12:54,251 --> 00:12:55,601 it's like walking through the mall with puppies. 368 00:12:55,731 --> 00:12:57,301 - [crowd laughs] 369 00:12:57,428 --> 00:12:59,038 - My wife and I are both actors. 370 00:12:59,169 --> 00:13:00,949 But my wife is a director too. 371 00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:02,744 Last night we were in the bed together and, you know, 372 00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:05,259 just that special time between a husband and a wife. 373 00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:07,003 - [crowd laughs] 374 00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:08,794 - Just before I start she yells cut to give me notes. 375 00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,528 - [crowd laughs] 376 00:13:10,659 --> 00:13:11,659 - Thank you. 377 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,711 - [crowd applause] 378 00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,397 - Dondre Whitfield. 379 00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:18,934 - [crowd applause] 380 00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,709 - Quake, what did you think? - Great set. 381 00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,933 I'm gonna call my agent and tell them 382 00:13:23,063 --> 00:13:25,673 I got a new opener. And that's you. 383 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:26,885 - Thanks, Earthquake. 384 00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,463 - EARTHQUAKE: You hear me? - [crowd applause] 385 00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:30,770 - Kevin is gonna have to work his ass off to beat that. 386 00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:31,807 Good set. 387 00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,031 - Thanks, Adam. 388 00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:34,120 - [crowd applause] 389 00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:36,468 - Luenell. - Damn, you're fine. 390 00:13:36,598 --> 00:13:37,468 - [crowd laughs] 391 00:13:37,599 --> 00:13:40,119 - I sure wouldn't holler cut on you. 392 00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:41,564 The only thing I would be cutting, baby, 393 00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:44,560 is that umbilical cord when I have your baby. 394 00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:45,913 - [crowd laughs] 395 00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:48,042 [crowd applause] 396 00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:55,176 - Want to keep the show going? - WOMAN: Yeah! 397 00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,052 - You know who it is, give it up for Kevin Hart. 398 00:13:57,184 --> 00:13:59,064 - [crowd applause] 399 00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:07,889 - Um, you know, I... I want to apologize. 400 00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:09,721 'Cause I...I honestly thought that Dondre 401 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,979 was gonna come out here and be awful. 402 00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:14,982 And I was ...was wrong. 403 00:14:15,115 --> 00:14:16,765 He was [bleep] terrible. 404 00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,339 That was horrible. 405 00:14:18,466 --> 00:14:21,296 Uh. My balls itch. It was bad. 406 00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:24,335 I don't even wanna be here right now, man. 407 00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:26,562 That's my time, my name is Kevin Hart! 408 00:14:26,691 --> 00:14:27,611 Bam! 409 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:29,958 - [coughing] 410 00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:33,964 - All right. 411 00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:35,480 Luenell. 412 00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:36,833 - Well, the audience doesn't give a damn about you 413 00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:39,183 and neither do I with your tiny ass. 414 00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,363 But-- - [crowd laughs] 415 00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:42,749 - --but I do wanna work with you, 416 00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,452 so put me in a movie, Kevin Hart. 417 00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,359 - [crowd laughs] 418 00:14:46,494 --> 00:14:48,154 - If we do " Ride Along" with Emma Rose's aunt, 419 00:14:48,278 --> 00:14:50,588 I will let you know. [laughs] 420 00:14:50,715 --> 00:14:52,145 Wait a minute, bam. 421 00:14:52,282 --> 00:14:53,332 Quick shooter. 422 00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:55,977 I got her. - Adam Hunter. 423 00:14:56,112 --> 00:14:58,642 - Kevin Hart, that set was so bad I'm gonna join 424 00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:01,417 Robin Thicke, another white guy that hates you. 425 00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:03,252 - [crowd laughs] 426 00:15:03,380 --> 00:15:05,030 [crowd applause] 427 00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:06,425 - He's way too angry to be a white guy. 428 00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:07,727 He gotta be mixed or something. 429 00:15:07,863 --> 00:15:08,783 I'll tell you what you're not mixed with. 430 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,948 Funny, oh, get the shotgun. 431 00:15:11,084 --> 00:15:14,834 Bam. [laughs] I got a bunch of guns. 432 00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,867 - Wait, I'm gonna tell you something. 433 00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:19,313 You might have been blessed to tell comedy. 434 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:23,880 But you was also born to milk a cat's titty, you short bastard. 435 00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,190 - [crowd laughs] - KEVIN: [snoring] 436 00:15:25,315 --> 00:15:28,275 - This little bastard gonna pass out on me. 437 00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:30,055 - Well, you need to change your name from Earthquake 438 00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:33,850 to Insomnia, 'cause that put me to sleep. [laughs] 439 00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:35,106 Bam, bam, bam. 440 00:15:35,238 --> 00:15:37,548 I'm shooting everybody. - MAN: You suck! 441 00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:39,625 - Okay, let's bring Dondre back out. 442 00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:45,514 - [crowd applause] 443 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,030 - Audience, will it be Dondre Whitfield? 444 00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:52,304 - [crowd applause] 445 00:15:52,429 --> 00:15:55,819 - Or will it be Kevin Hart? - Hell, no. 446 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:59,175 - Hey, everybody here is going to the premiere 447 00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:00,866 of " Ride Along 3". 448 00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:03,143 - [crowd applause] 449 00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:11,193 - Ol' Salli's about to be in my posse. 450 00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:13,278 And it's gonna be a low-down dirty shame. 451 00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:17,017 - ♪ 452 00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,278 - ♪ 453 00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:23,235 - Oh, sweetie, it was so good seeing you. 454 00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:26,203 - TRINA: You too, mommy. So good to see you. 455 00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:28,903 - Okay, nice meeting you. 456 00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:30,471 - Bye, daddy. 457 00:16:30,598 --> 00:16:31,948 - All right, look, y'all get there 458 00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:33,778 and start making me some chocolate babies. [laughs] 459 00:16:33,905 --> 00:16:36,165 Come on, let's go, Steven. [laughs] 460 00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:37,609 - Listen, Trina. 461 00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,425 About to blow your mind right now, okay? 462 00:16:39,563 --> 00:16:41,613 - I know, my dad can talk. 463 00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,349 - You knew? - Yeah, so does she. 464 00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:47,181 It's weird, they have this strange love-hate relationship. 465 00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,700 I...I don't know, they say they stayed together for the kids, 466 00:16:48,833 --> 00:16:50,493 but I think it's for the tax breaks. 467 00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,658 They're crazy, right? - Actually, uh... 468 00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,063 - [laughs] 469 00:16:58,191 --> 00:16:59,891 - Come on, hold on. 470 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,109 - Oh, it's a secret. 471 00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:04,408 Oh. You're as crazy as they are. 472 00:17:04,545 --> 00:17:06,065 - Why? Because I see love? 473 00:17:06,199 --> 00:17:07,719 - You need to be seeing a therapist. 474 00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:09,422 Ain't nothing beautiful about that relationship. 475 00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:10,860 Those two old people are crazy. 476 00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:12,806 - That's not crazy, that's romantic. 477 00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,164 - How? They're not even talking to each other. 478 00:17:14,294 --> 00:17:15,564 - They don't need words. 479 00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:17,036 - TRINA: Well, I don't need no words either. 480 00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:18,646 - WAYNE: I bet I can get you to say a few words, please, 481 00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:21,476 more, oh, that's my spot. [laughs] 482 00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:23,345 - ♪ 483 00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:25,037 - Come on, Kev, come win this money, man. 484 00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:26,574 - Come on. - It's right in front of you. 485 00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:28,477 - Jesus. 486 00:17:28,612 --> 00:17:30,572 - What the hell? 487 00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,531 Who are you supposed to be, the good, the bad... 488 00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:34,310 the ugly. 489 00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:35,924 - Dude, why you look like Khubani? 490 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,225 - What are you talking about, man? 491 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,010 I'm dressed like Mario Van Peebles in " Posse." 492 00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:40,535 This is for Salli so she feel comfortable. 493 00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:42,058 When she get here, y'all got to go. 494 00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:43,321 - Okay we ain't going nowhere. - [doorbell rings] 495 00:17:43,453 --> 00:17:44,673 - Sit down, man, let's play. 496 00:17:44,802 --> 00:17:46,462 - Okay, well, then I suggest you close your eyes. 497 00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:52,982 Hello, Salli. 498 00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:54,065 - Kevin. 499 00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:55,423 - Welcome to my ponderosa. 500 00:17:55,552 --> 00:17:57,082 [laughs] 501 00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:58,246 Hey, don't worry about them 'cause they about to leave. 502 00:17:58,381 --> 00:17:59,511 - We got to leave, we about to leave and get 503 00:17:59,643 --> 00:18:01,303 on out of here, y'all. - No, no, no, sit down. 504 00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:02,728 I came to take your money. 505 00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:05,264 - Oh, well, we don't discriminate. [laughs] 506 00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:07,518 - And why are you dressed like Houdini? 507 00:18:07,651 --> 00:18:09,391 - Because the freaks come out at night. 508 00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:11,873 - VOICEOVER: Yee-haw! - [whip snapping] 509 00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:13,533 - You mind if we play with my cards? 510 00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:15,697 - ♪ 511 00:18:19,707 --> 00:18:22,877 - [laughs] 512 00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:25,974 - Full house, [bleep]. [laughs] 513 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,275 Coleman. - COLEMAN: Yes, ma'am. 514 00:18:29,369 --> 00:18:31,019 - Another round for these mitches. 515 00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:34,501 Ooh, look at that. 516 00:18:34,635 --> 00:18:36,065 - My mama gave me that watch. 517 00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:38,862 - Ooh, my husband's gonna like this. Ooh. 518 00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:42,427 - Give me a second, man, I just gotta step away for a second. 519 00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,426 - Oh, yeah, that's gonna look good. 520 00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:46,388 - Hey, Dondre, listen to me. 521 00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:48,126 You gotta come get your wife, man. 522 00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:50,167 She's a dude, that's why. 523 00:18:50,303 --> 00:18:52,093 I'm talking brawls and balls, you hear me? 524 00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:53,348 What type of woman goes to the bathroom 525 00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,870 and leaves the toilet seat up? 526 00:18:55,003 --> 00:18:57,143 If you want to play the game, yes, you can play the game. 527 00:18:57,266 --> 00:18:58,526 You are in. 528 00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:00,099 - Come on, little man. 529 00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:01,306 Come on, sit on down. 530 00:19:02,402 --> 00:19:03,842 - Hurry up. 531 00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:05,748 - Well, we did it, you're one of the husbands. 532 00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:07,453 - And next we gotta get you on " The Talk." 533 00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:09,451 - Mmm, and you know what you gotta do next. 534 00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,323 - I'm not doing nothing with Sheryl Underwood. 535 00:19:11,454 --> 00:19:13,064 - Of course not. 536 00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,455 Sharon Osbourne. 537 00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:16,976 - Actually, I'll... I'll take Sheryl. 538 00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:21,252 - ♪ 539 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,478 - [crowd cheering] - [heart beating] 540 00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,314 - ♪ 38917

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