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1
00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:16,714
- [laughs] Look at this here.
2
00:00:16,842 --> 00:00:19,372
If this isn't the last comic
standing, in the food line.
3
00:00:19,497 --> 00:00:22,327
- [laughs] See those the kinda
jokes we need, we can kill
4
00:00:22,457 --> 00:00:23,757
on our show together, brotha.
- We?
5
00:00:23,893 --> 00:00:26,113
What do you mean we can kill?
We ain't going nowhere.
6
00:00:26,243 --> 00:00:27,383
What are you talking about?
7
00:00:27,505 --> 00:00:29,415
- Damn, Little Seymour,
what you sitting here
8
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:30,681
talking to me like that?
9
00:00:30,813 --> 00:00:31,813
You owe me, man.
10
00:00:31,944 --> 00:00:33,344
Why won't you take us on tour?
11
00:00:33,468 --> 00:00:34,598
- I ain't taking you
on no tour.
12
00:00:34,730 --> 00:00:36,210
- This Earthquake, man.
- What does that mean?
13
00:00:36,340 --> 00:00:37,820
- You ain't gonna
take me on tour?
14
00:00:37,950 --> 00:00:39,390
- No.
- The man who started you.
15
00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:41,127
- Oh, don't you start
with that Mike Epps [bleep].
16
00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:42,828
- Man, I started you
and that [bleep].
17
00:00:42,955 --> 00:00:43,995
- It's your name.
- My name?
18
00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:46,611
- Your name means disaster.
19
00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:49,352
People do not line up
to buy tickets to a disaster.
20
00:00:49,484 --> 00:00:51,014
- Adam's a good name.
Conjures up beginnings.
21
00:00:51,138 --> 00:00:52,618
Adam was the first man.
22
00:00:52,748 --> 00:00:54,178
Adam starts with an "A".
23
00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:56,835
Which means I should be
your opening act.
24
00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:58,059
- Who the [bleep] are you?
25
00:00:58,188 --> 00:00:59,538
- I was wondering
the same thing, Kevin.
26
00:00:59,668 --> 00:01:01,188
It should be just you
and me, right, baby?
27
00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:04,462
- Uh, no, it shouldn't.
- Go on, get that.
28
00:01:05,848 --> 00:01:07,238
- No, no, no, stop it.
29
00:01:07,371 --> 00:01:08,201
You're not gonna
get me to do that.
30
00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:09,159
- Wh-why not?
31
00:01:09,286 --> 00:01:10,506
- Because last time
I did that,
32
00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:11,895
I had to get a restraining
order and a tetanus shot.
33
00:01:12,028 --> 00:01:13,158
- Yeah, but you
love that [bleep].
34
00:01:13,290 --> 00:01:14,600
- You know what?
I'm done here.
35
00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:17,026
And you're done, too.
- Man, put my damn food down.
36
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:18,214
- ADAM: We're starving.
37
00:01:18,339 --> 00:01:19,909
- I want the one
in the middle, Kevin.
38
00:01:20,036 --> 00:01:21,336
- ♪ This is life,
this is the life ♪
39
00:01:21,472 --> 00:01:23,562
♪ We got the life,
we got the life ♪
40
00:01:23,692 --> 00:01:25,872
♪ This is the city
where we party everynight ♪
41
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:26,868
♪ Party every night
42
00:01:26,999 --> 00:01:28,959
♪ Just you and me
43
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,699
♪ Down and to go
44
00:01:30,829 --> 00:01:32,789
♪ Welcome to Hollywood,
welcome to Hollywood ♪
45
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:35,048
♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪
46
00:01:35,182 --> 00:01:38,402
- ♪
47
00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:40,973
- Uh, hi. Let's see
here, what do I want?
48
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,491
Ba, ba, ba, ba,
bap, bow.
49
00:01:43,625 --> 00:01:44,755
Salli?
50
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,407
- Kevin.
- Oh, my goodness.
51
00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:47,191
Look at this.
52
00:01:47,324 --> 00:01:48,594
- [laughs]
- Look at you.
53
00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:50,277
Sir, am I talking?
54
00:01:50,414 --> 00:01:51,944
Black people
can't have nothing.
55
00:01:52,068 --> 00:01:53,368
- [laughs]
- Goodness.
56
00:01:53,504 --> 00:01:54,294
- Come on over here
and give me a hug.
57
00:01:54,418 --> 00:01:55,938
How you doing?
- I'm doing good.
58
00:01:56,072 --> 00:01:57,122
You look great.
59
00:01:57,247 --> 00:01:58,417
- SALLI: [laughs]
- You look so great.
60
00:01:58,553 --> 00:02:00,253
- Okay. All right.
61
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:01,431
- KEVIN: I'm sorry.
- [laughs]
62
00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:02,506
So what you doing here?
- I live here.
63
00:02:02,644 --> 00:02:03,954
I live in a penthouse.
64
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:07,170
- Oh, yeah, I...I've been
hearing about your poker game.
65
00:02:07,301 --> 00:02:08,741
Now why don't you ever
invite me?
66
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:11,907
- ♪
67
00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:14,664
- I would love to play...
68
00:02:14,786 --> 00:02:16,216
poke...her.
69
00:02:18,703 --> 00:02:20,713
Kevin? Kevin?
70
00:02:20,836 --> 00:02:22,226
Kevin, you okay?
71
00:02:22,359 --> 00:02:23,839
- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, fine.
72
00:02:23,969 --> 00:02:25,619
- So, cool?
- Yes, it's cool.
73
00:02:25,754 --> 00:02:28,104
Come--um, if you want
you can play in like an hour.
74
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,185
- SALLI: Okay, perfect.
75
00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:33,203
Uh, just be ready
to lose your shirt.
76
00:02:36,852 --> 00:02:39,422
- I need a shot of Jack
and a shot of [bleep] dynamite.
77
00:02:39,550 --> 00:02:43,820
- ♪
78
00:02:43,946 --> 00:02:46,506
- Wayne and I have been dating
steadily for the past year.
79
00:02:46,644 --> 00:02:47,954
And we've reached the point
in the relationship
80
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:51,130
when you have to ask yourself
that critical question.
81
00:02:51,258 --> 00:02:53,558
- So what do you
want for dinner?
82
00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:56,785
Mexican, Italian or
my personal favorite,
83
00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:58,695
Trina-dadian.
84
00:02:58,830 --> 00:03:01,050
- Mmm.
- [laughs]
85
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,621
- I actually
already have plans.
86
00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:04,748
- Hmm?
87
00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:05,970
- Yeah, my parents
are in town.
88
00:03:06,098 --> 00:03:08,538
- Wh-whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
89
00:03:08,666 --> 00:03:11,926
Isn't it a little too soon for
me to be meeting the parents?
90
00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:14,501
- Oh, thank God. Phew.
91
00:03:14,629 --> 00:03:15,849
- Thank God for what?
92
00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:16,978
- Well, first of all,
that was not an invitation,
93
00:03:17,109 --> 00:03:18,939
it was just a statement.
94
00:03:19,068 --> 00:03:20,808
But I am so happy that we are
on the same page about this.
95
00:03:20,939 --> 00:03:22,639
- And what page would that be?
96
00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:25,547
- The "you don't need
to meet my parents" page.
97
00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:28,733
- [laughs] Well you can
just rip that page right out
98
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:31,080
the book, because I would be
happy to meet your parents.
99
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,431
- Wait, I don't understand.
I'm confused.
100
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,560
You just said that you
thought it was too soon.
101
00:03:34,692 --> 00:03:36,522
- Nope, nope, nope.
I never said it was too soon.
102
00:03:36,651 --> 00:03:39,041
I asked you if you
thought it was too soon.
103
00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:40,735
- No.
- No, no, no, I did.
104
00:03:40,872 --> 00:03:42,182
- No, but over there you just--
- Wait a minute,
105
00:03:42,309 --> 00:03:44,139
let's rewind the tape.
106
00:03:44,267 --> 00:03:45,437
[imitates tape rewinding]
107
00:03:45,573 --> 00:03:47,753
- Are you gonna do that
thing you do with--okay.
108
00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,399
- [imitates tape rewinding]
109
00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:52,933
Whoa, whoa, I'd love
to meet your parents, baby.
110
00:03:53,058 --> 00:03:54,448
It would be my honor.
111
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,802
Unless you think it's too
soon to meet your parents.
112
00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:58,022
Click.
113
00:03:58,150 --> 00:03:59,370
Yeah, that's what happened.
114
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,980
- ♪
115
00:04:02,111 --> 00:04:03,591
- Is Trina Shaw going
to choke a bitch?
116
00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:07,511
- ♪
117
00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:09,898
- Gotta set the mood
a little bit, Kev.
118
00:04:10,032 --> 00:04:11,862
Oh.
- [doorbell rings]
119
00:04:11,990 --> 00:04:12,820
- That's her.
Wait, wait, wait.
120
00:04:12,948 --> 00:04:13,688
Coleman, Coleman.
-Yes, Sir.
121
00:04:13,818 --> 00:04:14,728
- How do I look?
122
00:04:14,863 --> 00:04:17,043
Am I giving too much bulge?
123
00:04:17,169 --> 00:04:18,819
- You're average
for your culture, sir.
124
00:04:18,954 --> 00:04:20,004
- Okay, that's good.
125
00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:21,089
All right, go ahead,
open it up.
126
00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:25,444
- Straight up time.
Look who it is.
127
00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:27,439
- No, no, no, no.
- Good evening, gentlemen.
128
00:04:27,571 --> 00:04:28,961
- No, no, no.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
129
00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:30,624
Change of plans.
130
00:04:30,748 --> 00:04:31,708
- Oh, no, no, no, ain't
no change of plans, man.
131
00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:32,966
This is my only day away
from Tisha, all right?
132
00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:34,488
We're playing cards.
133
00:04:34,622 --> 00:04:36,232
- I don't have the time.
- Oh, what you got?
134
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:37,493
- KEVIN: Come on, Nelly.
135
00:04:37,625 --> 00:04:38,755
- Cherry vodka.
136
00:04:38,887 --> 00:04:40,797
What kind of hood rat
thought you got coming?
137
00:04:40,932 --> 00:04:42,062
- Come on, man.
138
00:04:42,194 --> 00:04:42,984
I'll tell you later, dude,
just come on go.
139
00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:44,628
- Dating yourself again?
140
00:04:44,762 --> 00:04:45,942
- If I tell y'all who it is,
will y'all leave?
141
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:47,328
- BOTH: No.
142
00:04:47,461 --> 00:04:48,551
- Salli Richardson
is coming over.
143
00:04:48,679 --> 00:04:49,769
- [laughs]
144
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:51,508
- Okay, this may sound
crazy from me but, um,
145
00:04:51,639 --> 00:04:52,859
isn't she married?
146
00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:53,818
- She came to me.
147
00:04:53,945 --> 00:04:54,895
- [laughs]
148
00:04:55,033 --> 00:04:56,433
- What's so funny?
149
00:04:56,557 --> 00:04:57,467
- Yeah and I'm doing
a movie with Will.
150
00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:59,691
- About [bleep] damn time.
- [doorbell rings]
151
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:04,301
- What is [unintelligible].
152
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,997
- What's up, Kev?
153
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:15,840
- [chokes]
154
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:18,267
Phew.
155
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,745
Where the hell is Salli at?
156
00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:22,844
- Now you know I sent
Dondre there on purpose.
157
00:05:22,974 --> 00:05:24,984
Everyone's career takes off
at that poker game.
158
00:05:25,107 --> 00:05:27,457
J.B., Robin Thicke, Kevin.
159
00:05:27,588 --> 00:05:30,548
And Dondre's career
needs to take off.
160
00:05:30,678 --> 00:05:32,288
Before I take off.
161
00:05:32,419 --> 00:05:34,459
- ♪
162
00:05:36,684 --> 00:05:38,694
- ♪
163
00:05:38,816 --> 00:05:41,116
- Sammy Sosa steps up
to the plate, right?
164
00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:42,603
Hits a deep shot to left field.
165
00:05:42,733 --> 00:05:44,213
Now mind you,
I'm playing center field.
166
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:45,304
Duane, Duane, Duane.
167
00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:46,962
- I'm up.
- DONDRE: Stay with me.
168
00:05:47,085 --> 00:05:52,175
So I...I run 50 yards, jump and
snag the game-winning home run.
169
00:05:52,308 --> 00:05:55,658
I got voted MVP of the pee
wee league championships.
170
00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:56,790
Boom.
171
00:05:56,921 --> 00:05:58,231
- What kind of guy
carries around a pee wee
172
00:05:58,358 --> 00:05:59,838
championship ring in a box?
173
00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:01,968
- Kind of guy that got
called up to the big leagues.
174
00:06:02,100 --> 00:06:04,150
See unlike you, Nelly,
I got drafted, too.
175
00:06:04,276 --> 00:06:05,626
Except I played.
- What?
176
00:06:05,756 --> 00:06:07,406
- Okay, will you
stop dealing bull [bleep]
177
00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:08,631
and deal the cards, man?
178
00:06:08,759 --> 00:06:10,979
- Easy, easy, easy.
- Come on.
179
00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:12,719
- How's your little
movie coming, Kevin?
180
00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:15,510
What's it called, Sing Along,
Roll Along, Get Along?
181
00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:16,986
- " Ride Along 3."
182
00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:18,595
It's a sequel.
183
00:06:18,726 --> 00:06:21,946
Triple, we had
a trip--it's the third--
184
00:06:22,077 --> 00:06:22,817
- It's a trilogy, man.
185
00:06:22,947 --> 00:06:24,907
- It's a trilogy
is what it is.
186
00:06:25,036 --> 00:06:26,116
But you wouldn't know nothing
about that, would you?
187
00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:27,995
Burn.
188
00:06:28,126 --> 00:06:31,566
- " Ride Along 3", man,
they made three of those?
189
00:06:31,695 --> 00:06:33,215
When they gonna let you drive?
190
00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:35,049
- Okay, lookie here, Dondruff.
191
00:06:35,177 --> 00:06:38,177
Don't come in here trying
to read my resume and check me.
192
00:06:38,310 --> 00:06:41,050
I'm not sure if you know
this or not, but I had...
193
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:43,753
- ALL: ...the highest grossing
comedy movie of the year.
194
00:06:43,881 --> 00:06:45,491
- I sold out Madison
Square Garden...
195
00:06:45,622 --> 00:06:46,932
- NELLY & KEVIN: ...twice.
196
00:06:47,058 --> 00:06:47,928
Burn.
197
00:06:48,059 --> 00:06:49,229
- What the--?
What are you doing?
198
00:06:49,365 --> 00:06:50,755
What's going on?
199
00:06:50,888 --> 00:06:51,978
- The Knicks sell
the Garden out all the time
200
00:06:52,107 --> 00:06:53,197
and they're awful.
201
00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:54,325
Huh, Duane?
202
00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:55,847
- Oh, burn.
203
00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:56,760
- I hate you.
204
00:06:56,894 --> 00:06:58,684
- ♪
205
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,214
- Wayne, why are
you following me?
206
00:07:06,338 --> 00:07:08,038
- I came to meet
the grandparents of our babies.
207
00:07:08,166 --> 00:07:08,986
- Oh, God, babies?
208
00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:11,474
You are moving
entirely too fast.
209
00:07:11,605 --> 00:07:13,815
- You're right, wedding first.
210
00:07:13,955 --> 00:07:16,955
- Okay, I'm just gonna be
really forward, okay?
211
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:19,828
I am not interested in marriage,
with you or anybody,
212
00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:21,831
or just not at all
right now, okay?
213
00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:23,883
- Mmm, so you think
you're just gonna date me?
214
00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:25,488
- That's what I thought
we were doing. [laughs]
215
00:07:25,619 --> 00:07:28,669
- You think you're just gonna
get all this for free? [laughs]
216
00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:29,926
You're gonna have
to put a ring on it.
217
00:07:31,973 --> 00:07:34,633
Did you ever just lose your
way in...in an argument?
218
00:07:36,543 --> 00:07:37,983
[whispering] Put a ring on it.
219
00:07:38,109 --> 00:07:40,289
- Okay, Wayne,
I'm not marrying you, okay?
220
00:07:40,416 --> 00:07:41,546
And I'm not having your babies.
221
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,068
- Uh, I think you're
pregnant right now.
222
00:07:43,201 --> 00:07:44,291
- Why would I be
pregnant right now?
223
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:45,550
- Remember when I said oops?
224
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:47,162
- Yes but I thought you said--
Mom!
225
00:07:47,292 --> 00:07:50,342
- Hi.
- Hey.
226
00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:52,250
- Look at you.
- Thank--hey.
227
00:07:52,384 --> 00:07:54,304
Dad.
228
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:56,080
Wayne, these are my parents,
229
00:07:56,214 --> 00:07:57,434
Elizabeth and Steve Shaw.
230
00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:58,744
- [laughs]
231
00:07:58,869 --> 00:08:01,219
- It is very nice to
meet you, young man.
232
00:08:01,350 --> 00:08:03,570
Trina, he is cute.
233
00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:04,570
- Well, thank you.
234
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:05,661
- Yeah. [laughs]
235
00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:07,099
Pleasure to meet you.
236
00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:09,785
Enchanté. [laughs]
237
00:08:09,924 --> 00:08:10,844
Sir.
238
00:08:10,968 --> 00:08:14,098
"Kiss my ass,
not my hand." [laughs]
239
00:08:14,232 --> 00:08:15,412
Is this why you didn't
want me to meet your dad,
240
00:08:15,538 --> 00:08:17,058
'cause he's a mute?
- No.
241
00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:19,192
- White? [bleep]?
242
00:08:19,324 --> 00:08:21,024
- So when are you, uh,
two getting married,
243
00:08:21,152 --> 00:08:23,502
because I need me
some grand babies.
244
00:08:23,633 --> 00:08:25,333
- [laughs] That's why.
245
00:08:25,461 --> 00:08:27,381
Well, it's up to him.
246
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,287
- It's up to her. [laughs]
247
00:08:29,421 --> 00:08:31,731
- Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick,
tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.
248
00:08:31,859 --> 00:08:35,079
- ♪
249
00:08:35,210 --> 00:08:37,260
- Kevin, you have writers
writing your jokes.
250
00:08:37,386 --> 00:08:38,776
That's why you're funny.
251
00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:41,169
- You think I need writers?
Is that what you really think?
252
00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:43,613
No, see, see you got it
all wrong, brotha.
253
00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:48,527
But you, on the other hand,
you need an acting coach.
254
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:50,358
Sarcastically.
255
00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:53,096
'Cause you killed more pilots
than Duane Martin.
256
00:08:53,228 --> 00:08:54,748
- That's right.
257
00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:56,192
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
time out, time out.
258
00:08:56,318 --> 00:08:58,188
- Dave Chappelle
killed more pilots than me.
259
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,190
- Okay, look, the point is
you're not funny by yourself.
260
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:03,153
- What? No.
261
00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:04,631
You're being ridiculous.
262
00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:07,551
Every--everything
outta my mouth--dammit.
263
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,027
Got popcorn stuck in my teeth.
264
00:09:09,157 --> 00:09:11,327
- Where Coleman at? Coleman!
- Sir?
265
00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:12,033
- KEVIN: Popcorn in my teeth.
266
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,470
- Oh. Say aw.
267
00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:15,596
- Aw.
268
00:09:15,729 --> 00:09:17,209
- COLEMAN: Aw.
- That's disgusting.
269
00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:18,379
- That proves my point.
270
00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:19,914
- What proves your point?
271
00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:20,997
- That you don't do
nothing by yourself.
272
00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:22,515
- I do, too.
- Okay, prove it.
273
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:23,649
- Okay.
274
00:09:23,780 --> 00:09:25,960
- You and me,
a joke off, jack off.
275
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:27,347
- [laughs]
276
00:09:27,479 --> 00:09:28,479
- No writers,
no Coleman, no nothing.
277
00:09:28,611 --> 00:09:29,961
- Say word?
278
00:09:30,091 --> 00:09:32,011
- Okay, first of all,
when did you start doing comedy?
279
00:09:32,136 --> 00:09:34,696
- I was doing comedy before
you could feel the pain,
280
00:09:34,835 --> 00:09:36,575
or they let you explain.
281
00:09:36,706 --> 00:09:39,446
Understand, grown little man?
282
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:44,629
- Bottom line, when I come to
the stage, I bring nothing but--
283
00:09:44,758 --> 00:09:47,198
when I come to the stage--
- The heat.
284
00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:49,195
- I don't like that.
- BOTH: Thunder.
285
00:09:49,327 --> 00:09:50,757
- I bring thunder,
mother [bleep].
286
00:09:50,894 --> 00:09:52,034
- So what's the stakes?
287
00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:54,896
- It's simple, if I win,
I get a permanent seat
288
00:09:55,029 --> 00:09:57,209
at the poker table
and Coleman flosses my teeth.
289
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,824
- Okay, so I'll tell you what,
I'll take it a step further.
290
00:10:01,949 --> 00:10:05,469
If I win...
[chomping popcorn]
291
00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,075
Salli gets a seat
at the table.
292
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:10,085
- ♪
293
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:11,048
- That's a bet.
294
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:13,565
- ♪
295
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,440
- You don't want it, but okay.
296
00:10:15,571 --> 00:10:17,181
- Oh, I want it.
- Okay.
297
00:10:17,312 --> 00:10:22,362
What Kevin...what Kevin doesn't
know is I also have a writer--
298
00:10:22,491 --> 00:10:24,931
comedy guru Chris Spencer.
299
00:10:25,059 --> 00:10:26,539
Burn.
300
00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:29,539
- Chris Spencer, comedy guru?
301
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:33,982
Oh well if he closes with that
joke, he might win. [laughs]
302
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:37,291
'Cause that...that [bleep]
made me laugh. [laughs]
303
00:10:37,419 --> 00:10:38,809
Guru.
304
00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:40,122
Hey this is gonna be too easy.
305
00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:42,638
This is gonna be like Hulk,
Hulk smashing Loki.
306
00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:45,822
Bam, bam, bam, bam.
[growls]
307
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:47,689
- ♪
308
00:10:49,910 --> 00:10:52,170
- ♪
309
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:54,353
- [slurping]
310
00:10:54,479 --> 00:10:56,529
Woo, what do you call
this drink again?
311
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:57,736
- Sex on the beach, mom.
312
00:10:57,874 --> 00:11:00,924
- Oh, is that what you
be doing to my daughter?
313
00:11:01,051 --> 00:11:02,921
[bleep] her on the beach.
314
00:11:03,053 --> 00:11:05,973
- Okay, all right, uh, let's
take a bathroom break, mommy.
315
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:07,140
- I ain't gotta
go to the bathroom.
316
00:11:07,275 --> 00:11:09,185
I got them Depends
on like Sheryl Underwood.
317
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:10,410
- [laughs]
318
00:11:10,539 --> 00:11:11,799
- TMI, let's go.
Come on, mommy.
319
00:11:11,932 --> 00:11:12,982
- Sure miss chocolate.
320
00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:18,939
- WAYNE: [laughs]
321
00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:20,809
- Run.
322
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:22,511
- Excuse me, did you
just say something?
323
00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:24,158
- What do I have
to spell it out for you?
324
00:11:24,292 --> 00:11:26,342
If you like having sex
and you want to spend your money
325
00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:29,298
on [bleep], you want to spend
it on, don't get married.
326
00:11:29,427 --> 00:11:30,687
- You can talk.
327
00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,820
- Of course I can talk,
just not to her.
328
00:11:32,953 --> 00:11:36,263
Seven years ago,
she told me to shut the hell up
329
00:11:36,391 --> 00:11:39,521
and don't say not
another word to her.
330
00:11:39,655 --> 00:11:41,875
Careful what you wish for, huh?
331
00:11:42,005 --> 00:11:43,615
Next year I'm thinking
of being deaf.
332
00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:45,746
- Excuse me?
- What'd you say?
333
00:11:45,879 --> 00:11:47,709
- Sorry?
- Practicing.
334
00:11:47,837 --> 00:11:49,487
- Oh.
335
00:11:49,621 --> 00:11:51,281
- [glasses clink]
336
00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:53,756
- Who fakes being a mute
and doesn't talk to his wife
337
00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:55,277
for seven years?
338
00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:56,540
Genius.
339
00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:00,021
- [crowd laughs]
- TONY: Know what I mean?
340
00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:01,814
Ready for a good joke,
clap your hands.
341
00:12:01,938 --> 00:12:03,808
- [crowd applause]
342
00:12:03,940 --> 00:12:06,070
- You came on a good night,
people, tonight we're gonna
343
00:12:06,203 --> 00:12:08,823
have a laugh off between
two very funny comedians.
344
00:12:08,945 --> 00:12:10,245
Dondre Whitfield.
345
00:12:10,381 --> 00:12:12,121
- [crowd applause]
346
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:13,603
- Yeah, yeah, yeah you're kinda
like who until you see him,
347
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,393
you'll...you'll know who he is.
And Kevin Hart.
348
00:12:15,517 --> 00:12:17,167
- [crowd applause]
349
00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:19,961
- Yes. I have some comic friends
in the building.
350
00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:21,827
They are gonna critique
the performance.
351
00:12:21,958 --> 00:12:24,608
But the comedian with
the biggest applause will win.
352
00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:27,054
- [crowd applause]
353
00:12:27,181 --> 00:12:28,011
- Ready for the first comic?
354
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,138
- CROWD: Yeah!
355
00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:30,490
- Give it up
for Dondre Whitfield.
356
00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:35,759
- [crowd applause]
357
00:12:35,885 --> 00:12:37,925
- There is a huge
difference between
358
00:12:38,061 --> 00:12:39,721
a Whole Foods
10-year-old girl
359
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,456
and a McDonald's
10-year-old girl.
360
00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:42,976
- [crowd laughs]
361
00:12:43,110 --> 00:12:44,980
- McDonald's 10-year-old girls
are huge and they got guts.
362
00:12:45,112 --> 00:12:46,502
- [crowd laughs]
363
00:12:46,635 --> 00:12:48,455
- And I'm not talking
about their courage.
364
00:12:48,593 --> 00:12:49,733
- [crowd laughs]
365
00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:51,986
- Women love to see men
walking with their kids.
366
00:12:52,119 --> 00:12:54,119
So when I walk through
the mall with my kids,
367
00:12:54,251 --> 00:12:55,601
it's like walking through
the mall with puppies.
368
00:12:55,731 --> 00:12:57,301
- [crowd laughs]
369
00:12:57,428 --> 00:12:59,038
- My wife and I
are both actors.
370
00:12:59,169 --> 00:13:00,949
But my wife is a director too.
371
00:13:01,084 --> 00:13:02,744
Last night we were in the bed
together and, you know,
372
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:05,259
just that special time between
a husband and a wife.
373
00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:07,003
- [crowd laughs]
374
00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:08,794
- Just before I start
she yells cut to give me notes.
375
00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,528
- [crowd laughs]
376
00:13:10,659 --> 00:13:11,659
- Thank you.
377
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,711
- [crowd applause]
378
00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,397
- Dondre Whitfield.
379
00:13:16,534 --> 00:13:18,934
- [crowd applause]
380
00:13:19,059 --> 00:13:20,709
- Quake, what did you think?
- Great set.
381
00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,933
I'm gonna call my agent
and tell them
382
00:13:23,063 --> 00:13:25,673
I got a new opener.
And that's you.
383
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:26,885
- Thanks, Earthquake.
384
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,463
- EARTHQUAKE: You hear me?
- [crowd applause]
385
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:30,770
- Kevin is gonna have to work
his ass off to beat that.
386
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:31,807
Good set.
387
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,031
- Thanks, Adam.
388
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:34,120
- [crowd applause]
389
00:13:34,248 --> 00:13:36,468
- Luenell.
- Damn, you're fine.
390
00:13:36,598 --> 00:13:37,468
- [crowd laughs]
391
00:13:37,599 --> 00:13:40,119
- I sure wouldn't
holler cut on you.
392
00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:41,564
The only thing I would
be cutting, baby,
393
00:13:41,690 --> 00:13:44,560
is that umbilical cord
when I have your baby.
394
00:13:44,693 --> 00:13:45,913
- [crowd laughs]
395
00:13:46,042 --> 00:13:48,042
[crowd applause]
396
00:13:53,006 --> 00:13:55,176
- Want to keep the show going?
- WOMAN: Yeah!
397
00:13:55,312 --> 00:13:57,052
- You know who it is,
give it up for Kevin Hart.
398
00:13:57,184 --> 00:13:59,064
- [crowd applause]
399
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:07,889
- Um, you know, I...
I want to apologize.
400
00:14:08,021 --> 00:14:09,721
'Cause I...I honestly thought
that Dondre
401
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,979
was gonna come out here
and be awful.
402
00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:14,982
And I was ...was wrong.
403
00:14:15,115 --> 00:14:16,765
He was [bleep] terrible.
404
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:18,339
That was horrible.
405
00:14:18,466 --> 00:14:21,296
Uh. My balls itch.
It was bad.
406
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:24,335
I don't even wanna be here
right now, man.
407
00:14:24,472 --> 00:14:26,562
That's my time,
my name is Kevin Hart!
408
00:14:26,691 --> 00:14:27,611
Bam!
409
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:29,958
- [coughing]
410
00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:33,964
- All right.
411
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:35,480
Luenell.
412
00:14:35,613 --> 00:14:36,833
- Well, the audience
doesn't give a damn about you
413
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:39,183
and neither do I
with your tiny ass.
414
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:41,363
But--
- [crowd laughs]
415
00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:42,749
- --but I do wanna
work with you,
416
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:44,452
so put me in a movie,
Kevin Hart.
417
00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:46,359
- [crowd laughs]
418
00:14:46,494 --> 00:14:48,154
- If we do " Ride Along"
with Emma Rose's aunt,
419
00:14:48,278 --> 00:14:50,588
I will let you know.
[laughs]
420
00:14:50,715 --> 00:14:52,145
Wait a minute, bam.
421
00:14:52,282 --> 00:14:53,332
Quick shooter.
422
00:14:53,457 --> 00:14:55,977
I got her.
- Adam Hunter.
423
00:14:56,112 --> 00:14:58,642
- Kevin Hart, that set was
so bad I'm gonna join
424
00:14:58,767 --> 00:15:01,417
Robin Thicke, another
white guy that hates you.
425
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:03,252
- [crowd laughs]
426
00:15:03,380 --> 00:15:05,030
[crowd applause]
427
00:15:05,165 --> 00:15:06,425
- He's way too angry
to be a white guy.
428
00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:07,727
He gotta be mixed
or something.
429
00:15:07,863 --> 00:15:08,783
I'll tell you what
you're not mixed with.
430
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,948
Funny, oh, get the shotgun.
431
00:15:11,084 --> 00:15:14,834
Bam. [laughs]
I got a bunch of guns.
432
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,867
- Wait, I'm gonna
tell you something.
433
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:19,313
You might have been
blessed to tell comedy.
434
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:23,880
But you was also born to milk a
cat's titty, you short bastard.
435
00:15:24,010 --> 00:15:25,190
- [crowd laughs]
- KEVIN: [snoring]
436
00:15:25,315 --> 00:15:28,275
- This little bastard
gonna pass out on me.
437
00:15:28,405 --> 00:15:30,055
- Well, you need to change
your name from Earthquake
438
00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:33,850
to Insomnia, 'cause that
put me to sleep. [laughs]
439
00:15:33,976 --> 00:15:35,106
Bam, bam, bam.
440
00:15:35,238 --> 00:15:37,548
I'm shooting everybody.
- MAN: You suck!
441
00:15:37,675 --> 00:15:39,625
- Okay, let's bring
Dondre back out.
442
00:15:39,764 --> 00:15:45,514
- [crowd applause]
443
00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,030
- Audience, will it be
Dondre Whitfield?
444
00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:52,304
- [crowd applause]
445
00:15:52,429 --> 00:15:55,819
- Or will it be Kevin Hart?
- Hell, no.
446
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:59,175
- Hey, everybody here
is going to the premiere
447
00:15:59,306 --> 00:16:00,866
of " Ride Along 3".
448
00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:03,143
- [crowd applause]
449
00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:11,193
- Ol' Salli's about to be
in my posse.
450
00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:13,278
And it's gonna be
a low-down dirty shame.
451
00:16:13,407 --> 00:16:17,017
- ♪
452
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,278
- ♪
453
00:16:21,415 --> 00:16:23,235
- Oh, sweetie, it was
so good seeing you.
454
00:16:23,373 --> 00:16:26,203
- TRINA: You too, mommy.
So good to see you.
455
00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:28,903
- Okay, nice meeting you.
456
00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:30,471
- Bye, daddy.
457
00:16:30,598 --> 00:16:31,948
- All right, look,
y'all get there
458
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:33,778
and start making me some
chocolate babies. [laughs]
459
00:16:33,905 --> 00:16:36,165
Come on, let's go, Steven.
[laughs]
460
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:37,609
- Listen, Trina.
461
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,425
About to blow your mind
right now, okay?
462
00:16:39,563 --> 00:16:41,613
- I know, my dad can talk.
463
00:16:41,739 --> 00:16:44,349
- You knew?
- Yeah, so does she.
464
00:16:44,481 --> 00:16:47,181
It's weird, they have this
strange love-hate relationship.
465
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,700
I...I don't know, they say they
stayed together for the kids,
466
00:16:48,833 --> 00:16:50,493
but I think
it's for the tax breaks.
467
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,658
They're crazy, right?
- Actually, uh...
468
00:16:57,103 --> 00:16:58,063
- [laughs]
469
00:16:58,191 --> 00:16:59,891
- Come on, hold on.
470
00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:02,109
- Oh, it's a secret.
471
00:17:02,238 --> 00:17:04,408
Oh. You're as crazy
as they are.
472
00:17:04,545 --> 00:17:06,065
- Why? Because I see love?
473
00:17:06,199 --> 00:17:07,719
- You need to be
seeing a therapist.
474
00:17:07,852 --> 00:17:09,422
Ain't nothing beautiful
about that relationship.
475
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:10,860
Those two old people are crazy.
476
00:17:10,986 --> 00:17:12,806
- That's not crazy,
that's romantic.
477
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,164
- How? They're not even
talking to each other.
478
00:17:14,294 --> 00:17:15,564
- They don't need words.
479
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:17,036
- TRINA: Well, I don't
need no words either.
480
00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:18,646
- WAYNE: I bet I can get you
to say a few words, please,
481
00:17:18,776 --> 00:17:21,476
more, oh, that's my spot.
[laughs]
482
00:17:21,605 --> 00:17:23,345
- ♪
483
00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:25,037
- Come on, Kev, come
win this money, man.
484
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:26,574
- Come on.
- It's right in front of you.
485
00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:28,477
- Jesus.
486
00:17:28,612 --> 00:17:30,572
- What the hell?
487
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,531
Who are you supposed to be,
the good, the bad...
488
00:17:32,660 --> 00:17:34,310
the ugly.
489
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:35,924
- Dude, why you look
like Khubani?
490
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,225
- What are you
talking about, man?
491
00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:39,010
I'm dressed like
Mario Van Peebles in " Posse."
492
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:40,535
This is for Salli
so she feel comfortable.
493
00:17:40,668 --> 00:17:42,058
When she get here,
y'all got to go.
494
00:17:42,191 --> 00:17:43,321
- Okay we ain't going nowhere.
- [doorbell rings]
495
00:17:43,453 --> 00:17:44,673
- Sit down, man, let's play.
496
00:17:44,802 --> 00:17:46,462
- Okay, well, then I suggest
you close your eyes.
497
00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:52,982
Hello, Salli.
498
00:17:53,115 --> 00:17:54,065
- Kevin.
499
00:17:54,203 --> 00:17:55,423
- Welcome to my ponderosa.
500
00:17:55,552 --> 00:17:57,082
[laughs]
501
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:58,246
Hey, don't worry about them
'cause they about to leave.
502
00:17:58,381 --> 00:17:59,511
- We got to leave,
we about to leave and get
503
00:17:59,643 --> 00:18:01,303
on out of here, y'all.
- No, no, no, sit down.
504
00:18:01,428 --> 00:18:02,728
I came to take your money.
505
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:05,264
- Oh, well, we don't
discriminate. [laughs]
506
00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:07,518
- And why are you
dressed like Houdini?
507
00:18:07,651 --> 00:18:09,391
- Because the freaks
come out at night.
508
00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:11,873
- VOICEOVER: Yee-haw!
- [whip snapping]
509
00:18:12,003 --> 00:18:13,533
- You mind if we play
with my cards?
510
00:18:13,657 --> 00:18:15,697
- ♪
511
00:18:19,707 --> 00:18:22,877
- [laughs]
512
00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:25,974
- Full house, [bleep].
[laughs]
513
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:27,275
Coleman.
- COLEMAN: Yes, ma'am.
514
00:18:29,369 --> 00:18:31,019
- Another round
for these mitches.
515
00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:34,501
Ooh, look at that.
516
00:18:34,635 --> 00:18:36,065
- My mama gave me that watch.
517
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:38,862
- Ooh, my husband's
gonna like this. Ooh.
518
00:18:38,987 --> 00:18:42,427
- Give me a second, man, I just
gotta step away for a second.
519
00:18:42,556 --> 00:18:44,426
- Oh, yeah,
that's gonna look good.
520
00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:46,388
- Hey, Dondre, listen to me.
521
00:18:46,516 --> 00:18:48,126
You gotta come get
your wife, man.
522
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:50,167
She's a dude, that's why.
523
00:18:50,303 --> 00:18:52,093
I'm talking brawls
and balls, you hear me?
524
00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:53,348
What type of woman
goes to the bathroom
525
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:54,870
and leaves the toilet seat up?
526
00:18:55,003 --> 00:18:57,143
If you want to play the game,
yes, you can play the game.
527
00:18:57,266 --> 00:18:58,526
You are in.
528
00:18:58,659 --> 00:19:00,099
- Come on, little man.
529
00:19:00,226 --> 00:19:01,306
Come on, sit on down.
530
00:19:02,402 --> 00:19:03,842
- Hurry up.
531
00:19:03,968 --> 00:19:05,748
- Well, we did it,
you're one of the husbands.
532
00:19:05,883 --> 00:19:07,453
- And next we gotta
get you on " The Talk."
533
00:19:07,581 --> 00:19:09,451
- Mmm, and you know what
you gotta do next.
534
00:19:09,583 --> 00:19:11,323
- I'm not doing nothing
with Sheryl Underwood.
535
00:19:11,454 --> 00:19:13,064
- Of course not.
536
00:19:13,195 --> 00:19:14,455
Sharon Osbourne.
537
00:19:15,806 --> 00:19:16,976
- Actually, I'll...
I'll take Sheryl.
538
00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:21,252
- ♪
539
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,478
- [crowd cheering]
- [heart beating]
540
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,314
- ♪
38917
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