Original subtitles

- [laughs] Look at this here.

If this isn't the last comic standing, in the food line.

- [laughs] See those the kinda jokes we need, we can kill

on our show together, brotha. - We?

What do you mean we can kill? We ain't going nowhere.

What are you talking about?

- Damn, Little Seymour, what you sitting here

talking to me like that?

You owe me, man.

Why won't you take us on tour?

- I ain't taking you on no tour.

- This Earthquake, man. - What does that mean?

- You ain't gonna take me on tour?

- No. - The man who started you.

- Oh, don't you start with that Mike Epps [bleep].

- Man, I started you and that [bleep].

- It's your name. - My name?

- Your name means disaster.

People do not line up to buy tickets to a disaster.

- Adam's a good name. Conjures up beginnings.

Adam was the first man.

Adam starts with an "A".

Which means I should be your opening act.

- Who the [bleep] are you?

- I was wondering the same thing, Kevin.

It should be just you and me, right, baby?

- Uh, no, it shouldn't. - Go on, get that.

- No, no, no, stop it.

You're not gonna get me to do that.

- Wh-why not?

- Because last time I did that,

I had to get a restraining order and a tetanus shot.

- Yeah, but you love that [bleep].

- You know what? I'm done here.

And you're done, too. - Man, put my damn food down.

- ADAM: We're starving.

- I want the one in the middle, Kevin.

- ♪ This is life, this is the life ♪

♪ We got the life, we got the life ♪

♪ This is the city where we party everynight ♪

♪ Party every night

♪ Just you and me

♪ Down and to go

♪ Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

- ♪

- Uh, hi. Let's see here, what do I want?

Ba, ba, ba, ba, bap, bow.

Salli?

- Kevin. - Oh, my goodness.

Look at this.

- [laughs] - Look at you.

Sir, am I talking?

Black people can't have nothing.

- [laughs] - Goodness.

- Come on over here and give me a hug.

How you doing? - I'm doing good.

You look great.

- SALLI: [laughs] - You look so great.

- Okay. All right.

- KEVIN: I'm sorry. - [laughs]

So what you doing here? - I live here.

I live in a penthouse.

- Oh, yeah, I...I've been hearing about your poker game.

Now why don't you ever invite me?

- ♪

- I would love to play...

poke...her.

Kevin? Kevin?

Kevin, you okay?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, fine.

- So, cool? - Yes, it's cool.

Come--um, if you want you can play in like an hour.

- SALLI: Okay, perfect.

Uh, just be ready to lose your shirt.

- I need a shot of Jack and a shot of [bleep] dynamite.

- ♪

- Wayne and I have been dating steadily for the past year.

And we've reached the point in the relationship

when you have to ask yourself that critical question.

- So what do you want for dinner?

Mexican, Italian or my personal favorite,

Trina-dadian.

- Mmm. - [laughs]

- I actually already have plans.

- Hmm?

- Yeah, my parents are in town.

- Wh-whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Isn't it a little too soon for me to be meeting the parents?

- Oh, thank God. Phew.

- Thank God for what?

- Well, first of all, that was not an invitation,

it was just a statement.

But I am so happy that we are on the same page about this.

- And what page would that be?

- The "you don't need to meet my parents" page.

- [laughs] Well you can just rip that page right out

the book, because I would be happy to meet your parents.

- Wait, I don't understand. I'm confused.

You just said that you thought it was too soon.

- Nope, nope, nope. I never said it was too soon.

I asked you if you thought it was too soon.

- No. - No, no, no, I did.

- No, but over there you just-- - Wait a minute,

let's rewind the tape.

[imitates tape rewinding]

- Are you gonna do that thing you do with--okay.

- [imitates tape rewinding]

Whoa, whoa, I'd love to meet your parents, baby.

It would be my honor.

Unless you think it's too soon to meet your parents.

Click.

Yeah, that's what happened.

- ♪

- Is Trina Shaw going to choke a bitch?

- ♪

- Gotta set the mood a little bit, Kev.

Oh. - [doorbell rings]

- That's her. Wait, wait, wait.

Coleman, Coleman. -Yes, Sir.

- How do I look?

Am I giving too much bulge?

- You're average for your culture, sir.

- Okay, that's good.

All right, go ahead, open it up.

- Straight up time. Look who it is.

- No, no, no, no. - Good evening, gentlemen.

- No, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Change of plans.

- Oh, no, no, no, ain't no change of plans, man.

This is my only day away from Tisha, all right?

We're playing cards.

- I don't have the time. - Oh, what you got?

- KEVIN: Come on, Nelly.

- Cherry vodka.

What kind of hood rat thought you got coming?

- Come on, man.

I'll tell you later, dude, just come on go.

- Dating yourself again?

- If I tell y'all who it is, will y'all leave?

- BOTH: No.

- Salli Richardson is coming over.

- [laughs]

- Okay, this may sound crazy from me but, um,

isn't she married?

- She came to me.

- [laughs]

- What's so funny?

- Yeah and I'm doing a movie with Will.

- About [bleep] damn time. - [doorbell rings]

- What is [unintelligible].

- What's up, Kev?

- [chokes]

Phew.

Where the hell is Salli at?

- Now you know I sent Dondre there on purpose.

Everyone's career takes off at that poker game.

J.B., Robin Thicke, Kevin.

And Dondre's career needs to take off.

Before I take off.

- ♪

- ♪

- Sammy Sosa steps up to the plate, right?

Hits a deep shot to left field.

Now mind you, I'm playing center field.

Duane, Duane, Duane.

- I'm up. - DONDRE: Stay with me.

So I...I run 50 yards, jump and snag the game-winning home run.

I got voted MVP of the pee wee league championships.

Boom.

- What kind of guy carries around a pee wee

championship ring in a box?

- Kind of guy that got called up to the big leagues.

See unlike you, Nelly, I got drafted, too.

Except I played. - What?

- Okay, will you stop dealing bull [bleep]

and deal the cards, man?

- Easy, easy, easy. - Come on.

- How's your little movie coming, Kevin?

What's it called, Sing Along, Roll Along, Get Along?

- " Ride Along 3."

It's a sequel.

Triple, we had a trip--it's the third--

- It's a trilogy, man.

- It's a trilogy is what it is.

But you wouldn't know nothing about that, would you?

Burn.

- " Ride Along 3", man, they made three of those?

When they gonna let you drive?

- Okay, lookie here, Dondruff.

Don't come in here trying to read my resume and check me.

I'm not sure if you know this or not, but I had...

- ALL: ...the highest grossing comedy movie of the year.

- I sold out Madison Square Garden...

- NELLY & KEVIN: ...twice.

Burn.

- What the--? What are you doing?

What's going on?

- The Knicks sell the Garden out all the time

and they're awful.

Huh, Duane?

- Oh, burn.

- I hate you.

- ♪

- Wayne, why are you following me?

- I came to meet the grandparents of our babies.

- Oh, God, babies?

You are moving entirely too fast.

- You're right, wedding first.

- Okay, I'm just gonna be really forward, okay?

I am not interested in marriage, with you or anybody,

or just not at all right now, okay?

- Mmm, so you think you're just gonna date me?

- That's what I thought we were doing. [laughs]

- You think you're just gonna get all this for free? [laughs]

You're gonna have to put a ring on it.

Did you ever just lose your way in...in an argument?

[whispering] Put a ring on it.

- Okay, Wayne, I'm not marrying you, okay?

And I'm not having your babies.

- Uh, I think you're pregnant right now.

- Why would I be pregnant right now?

- Remember when I said oops?

- Yes but I thought you said-- Mom!

- Hi. - Hey.

- Look at you. - Thank--hey.

Dad.

Wayne, these are my parents,

Elizabeth and Steve Shaw.

- [laughs]

- It is very nice to meet you, young man.

Trina, he is cute.

- Well, thank you.

- Yeah. [laughs]

Pleasure to meet you.

Enchanté. [laughs]

Sir.

"Kiss my ass, not my hand." [laughs]

Is this why you didn't want me to meet your dad,

'cause he's a mute? - No.

- White? [bleep]?

- So when are you, uh, two getting married,

because I need me some grand babies.

- [laughs] That's why.

Well, it's up to him.

- It's up to her. [laughs]

- Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

- ♪

- Kevin, you have writers writing your jokes.

That's why you're funny.

- You think I need writers? Is that what you really think?

No, see, see you got it all wrong, brotha.

But you, on the other hand, you need an acting coach.

Sarcastically.

'Cause you killed more pilots than Duane Martin.

- That's right.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, time out, time out.

- Dave Chappelle killed more pilots than me.

- Okay, look, the point is you're not funny by yourself.

- What? No.

You're being ridiculous.

Every--everything outta my mouth--dammit.

Got popcorn stuck in my teeth.

- Where Coleman at? Coleman! - Sir?

- KEVIN: Popcorn in my teeth.

- Oh. Say aw.

- Aw.

- COLEMAN: Aw. - That's disgusting.

- That proves my point.

- What proves your point?

- That you don't do nothing by yourself.

- I do, too. - Okay, prove it.

- Okay.

- You and me, a joke off, jack off.

- [laughs]

- No writers, no Coleman, no nothing.

- Say word?

- Okay, first of all, when did you start doing comedy?

- I was doing comedy before you could feel the pain,

or they let you explain.

Understand, grown little man?

- Bottom line, when I come to the stage, I bring nothing but--

when I come to the stage-- - The heat.

- I don't like that. - BOTH: Thunder.

- I bring thunder, mother [bleep].

- So what's the stakes?

- It's simple, if I win, I get a permanent seat

at the poker table and Coleman flosses my teeth.

- Okay, so I'll tell you what, I'll take it a step further.

If I win... [chomping popcorn]

Salli gets a seat at the table.

- ♪

- That's a bet.

- ♪

- You don't want it, but okay.

- Oh, I want it. - Okay.

What Kevin...what Kevin doesn't know is I also have a writer--

comedy guru Chris Spencer.

Burn.

- Chris Spencer, comedy guru?

Oh well if he closes with that joke, he might win. [laughs]

'Cause that...that [bleep] made me laugh. [laughs]

Guru.

Hey this is gonna be too easy.

This is gonna be like Hulk, Hulk smashing Loki.

Bam, bam, bam, bam. [growls]

- ♪

- ♪

- [slurping]

Woo, what do you call this drink again?

- Sex on the beach, mom.

- Oh, is that what you be doing to my daughter?

[bleep] her on the beach.

- Okay, all right, uh, let's take a bathroom break, mommy.

- I ain't gotta go to the bathroom.

I got them Depends on like Sheryl Underwood.

- [laughs]

- TMI, let's go. Come on, mommy.

- Sure miss chocolate.

- WAYNE: [laughs]

- Run.

- Excuse me, did you just say something?

- What do I have to spell it out for you?

If you like having sex and you want to spend your money

on [bleep], you want to spend it on, don't get married.

- You can talk.

- Of course I can talk, just not to her.

Seven years ago, she told me to shut the hell up

and don't say not another word to her.

Careful what you wish for, huh?

Next year I'm thinking of being deaf.

- Excuse me? - What'd you say?

- Sorry? - Practicing.

- Oh.

- [glasses clink]

- Who fakes being a mute and doesn't talk to his wife

for seven years?

Genius.

- [crowd laughs] - TONY: Know what I mean?

Ready for a good joke, clap your hands.

- [crowd applause]

- You came on a good night, people, tonight we're gonna

have a laugh off between two very funny comedians.

Dondre Whitfield.

- [crowd applause]

- Yeah, yeah, yeah you're kinda like who until you see him,

you'll...you'll know who he is. And Kevin Hart.

- [crowd applause]

- Yes. I have some comic friends in the building.

They are gonna critique the performance.

But the comedian with the biggest applause will win.

- [crowd applause]

- Ready for the first comic?

- CROWD: Yeah!

- Give it up for Dondre Whitfield.

- [crowd applause]

- There is a huge difference between

a Whole Foods 10-year-old girl

and a McDonald's 10-year-old girl.

- [crowd laughs]

- McDonald's 10-year-old girls are huge and they got guts.

- [crowd laughs]

- And I'm not talking about their courage.

- [crowd laughs]

- Women love to see men walking with their kids.

So when I walk through the mall with my kids,

it's like walking through the mall with puppies.

- [crowd laughs]

- My wife and I are both actors.

But my wife is a director too.

Last night we were in the bed together and, you know,

just that special time between a husband and a wife.

- [crowd laughs]

- Just before I start she yells cut to give me notes.

- [crowd laughs]

- Thank you.

- [crowd applause]

- Dondre Whitfield.

- [crowd applause]

- Quake, what did you think? - Great set.

I'm gonna call my agent and tell them

I got a new opener. And that's you.

- Thanks, Earthquake.

- EARTHQUAKE: You hear me? - [crowd applause]

- Kevin is gonna have to work his ass off to beat that.

Good set.

- Thanks, Adam.

- [crowd applause]

- Luenell. - Damn, you're fine.

- [crowd laughs]

- I sure wouldn't holler cut on you.

The only thing I would be cutting, baby,

is that umbilical cord when I have your baby.

- [crowd laughs]

[crowd applause]

- Want to keep the show going? - WOMAN: Yeah!

- You know who it is, give it up for Kevin Hart.

- [crowd applause]

- Um, you know, I... I want to apologize.

'Cause I...I honestly thought that Dondre

was gonna come out here and be awful.

And I was ...was wrong.

He was [bleep] terrible.

That was horrible.

Uh. My balls itch. It was bad.

I don't even wanna be here right now, man.

That's my time, my name is Kevin Hart!

Bam!

- [coughing]

- All right.

Luenell.

- Well, the audience doesn't give a damn about you

and neither do I with your tiny ass.

But-- - [crowd laughs]

- --but I do wanna work with you,

so put me in a movie, Kevin Hart.

- [crowd laughs]

- If we do " Ride Along" with Emma Rose's aunt,

I will let you know. [laughs]

Wait a minute, bam.

Quick shooter.

I got her. - Adam Hunter.

- Kevin Hart, that set was so bad I'm gonna join

Robin Thicke, another white guy that hates you.

- [crowd laughs]

[crowd applause]

- He's way too angry to be a white guy.

He gotta be mixed or something.

I'll tell you what you're not mixed with.

Funny, oh, get the shotgun.

Bam. [laughs] I got a bunch of guns.

- Wait, I'm gonna tell you something.

You might have been blessed to tell comedy.

But you was also born to milk a cat's titty, you short bastard.

- [crowd laughs] - KEVIN: [snoring]

- This little bastard gonna pass out on me.

- Well, you need to change your name from Earthquake

to Insomnia, 'cause that put me to sleep. [laughs]

Bam, bam, bam.

I'm shooting everybody. - MAN: You suck!

- Okay, let's bring Dondre back out.

- [crowd applause]

- Audience, will it be Dondre Whitfield?

- [crowd applause]

- Or will it be Kevin Hart? - Hell, no.

- Hey, everybody here is going to the premiere

of " Ride Along 3".

- [crowd applause]

- Ol' Salli's about to be in my posse.

And it's gonna be a low-down dirty shame.

- ♪

- ♪

- Oh, sweetie, it was so good seeing you.

- TRINA: You too, mommy. So good to see you.

- Okay, nice meeting you.

- Bye, daddy.

- All right, look, y'all get there

and start making me some chocolate babies. [laughs]

Come on, let's go, Steven. [laughs]

- Listen, Trina.

About to blow your mind right now, okay?

- I know, my dad can talk.

- You knew? - Yeah, so does she.

It's weird, they have this strange love-hate relationship.

I...I don't know, they say they stayed together for the kids,

but I think it's for the tax breaks.

They're crazy, right? - Actually, uh...

- [laughs]

- Come on, hold on.

- Oh, it's a secret.

Oh. You're as crazy as they are.

- Why? Because I see love?

- You need to be seeing a therapist.

Ain't nothing beautiful about that relationship.

Those two old people are crazy.

- That's not crazy, that's romantic.

- How? They're not even talking to each other.

- They don't need words.

- TRINA: Well, I don't need no words either.

- WAYNE: I bet I can get you to say a few words, please,

more, oh, that's my spot. [laughs]

- ♪

- Come on, Kev, come win this money, man.

- Come on. - It's right in front of you.

- Jesus.

- What the hell?

Who are you supposed to be, the good, the bad...

the ugly.

- Dude, why you look like Khubani?

- What are you talking about, man?

I'm dressed like Mario Van Peebles in " Posse."

This is for Salli so she feel comfortable.

When she get here, y'all got to go.

- Okay we ain't going nowhere. - [doorbell rings]

- Sit down, man, let's play.

- Okay, well, then I suggest you close your eyes.

Hello, Salli.

- Kevin.

- Welcome to my ponderosa.

[laughs]

Hey, don't worry about them 'cause they about to leave.

- We got to leave, we about to leave and get

on out of here, y'all. - No, no, no, sit down.

I came to take your money.

- Oh, well, we don't discriminate. [laughs]

- And why are you dressed like Houdini?

- Because the freaks come out at night.

- VOICEOVER: Yee-haw! - [whip snapping]

- You mind if we play with my cards?

- ♪

- [laughs]

- Full house, [bleep]. [laughs]

Coleman. - COLEMAN: Yes, ma'am.

- Another round for these mitches.

Ooh, look at that.

- My mama gave me that watch.

- Ooh, my husband's gonna like this. Ooh.

- Give me a second, man, I just gotta step away for a second.

- Oh, yeah, that's gonna look good.

- Hey, Dondre, listen to me.

You gotta come get your wife, man.

She's a dude, that's why.

I'm talking brawls and balls, you hear me?

What type of woman goes to the bathroom

and leaves the toilet seat up?

If you want to play the game, yes, you can play the game.

You are in.

- Come on, little man.

Come on, sit on down.

- Hurry up.

- Well, we did it, you're one of the husbands.

- And next we gotta get you on " The Talk."

- Mmm, and you know what you gotta do next.

- I'm not doing nothing with Sheryl Underwood.

- Of course not.

Sharon Osbourne.

- Actually, I'll... I'll take Sheryl.

- ♪

- [crowd cheering] - [heart beating]

- ♪