Original subtitles

- MALE NARRATOR: Previously on, "Real Husbands of Hollywood"...

- Unless we find him a kidney donor,

he's gonna die within a week.

- It's you. You are a match.

- Ain't nobody gettin' my kidneys.

Coleman, hurry up with my bag.

I gotta get the hell outta here!

What are you doin' here?

- ♪

- * This is the life, this is the life *

* We got the life, we got the life *

* This is the city where we party every night *

* Party every night

* Just you and me

* Down and to go

* Welcome to Hollywood, welcome to Hollywood *

* Welcome to Hollywood *

- [panicked] Come on, man!

Stop! I'm afraid of the dark!

Ah. I'm afraid of the light.

Put it back on.

- [lion roaring]

- Terry? What the hell is your "Brooklyn 99" ass doin' here?

Why you dressed in a damn prison suit?

- Paula picked it out!

- Oh, that's Robin.

You know I haven't heard from this fake-ass wannabe superstar

since white people started buying his music

and he dumped the "Real Husbands of Hollywood."

Help!

Help! Hey!

Hey, you, call 9-1-1.

- They ain't real, Kevin!

- Just like your damn album sales.

- [lion roaring] - Ah!

- MALE HOST: Live from beautiful downtown Sherman Oaks

California, it's Arsenioooo-- - What's goin' on?

Who's that?

Do something, Robin.

- --oooooooo-- - What's happening?

What's happening?

- [pounds with fist] - --Hall .

- Welcome to the show.

Thank you for being here.

Terry...where's Robin Thicke?

- Ah, that is Robin.

You [bleep] up is what you did.

I suggest you pop a Snicker in his mouth and calm him down.

- I like Skittles. I'm in beast mode!

- Ooh. - [lion roaring]

- Ah! - Ah!

- Stop it! I don't want Paula to hear us.

- Paula!

Did she hear the album?

- Not that Paula, man.

- Paula!

[sobbing] Paula... - Arsenio, listen to me.

Now Robin can't say it, but I can.

- Uh-huh. - What's goin' on?

- You're gonna find out exactly what's goin' on, Kevin Hart.

Thank you and welcome to " The Arsenio Hall Show ."

I'm sure you all heard the one about the late-night legend

that came back to television.

- [ audience applause ]

- It was beautiful. Until them Jimmys got me.

- [ audience gasps ]

- Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Beam.

- KEVIN: Come on, man.

What are you drinkin' for, Arsenio?

- So anyway,

CBS wanted to pick me up for a second season.

We're gonna have a big announcement

so everyone would know.

Jay Leno did a surprise walk-on.

Robin Thicke was gonna do my music.

And the great Kevin Hart was gonna co-host.

Jay Leno showed up.

Guess who didn't show up?

- I have a good excuse!

You know " Blurred Lines "?

Yeah, I snorted all of 'em!

- Honesty. I appreciate your honesty.

- He lyin'.

That's the same thing he said about Marvin Gaye.

"I was high, Pharrell did that."

- Let me set the record straight.

I didn't steal those songs.

I took 'em!

I'm outta here!

- [lion roaring]

- Ah! Ah!

- Well I'm outta here too!

Ah!

Ah! Ah!

Are you puttin' your back into it? What are you doin'?

[grunting]

You wanna give me a hand, man?

- Yeah. I'll help ya out.

- [sobbing]

- We'll come right back and we'll talk about

Kevin's new movie, " Man on Fire ."

- I ain't got no movie called " Man on Fire ."

- Not yet [bleep], but you about to.

- What you doin'? Arsenio.

Arsenio. Arsenio!

- Hall.

- [knocking]

- Kevin! - Kevin Hartless!

- Where you at, boy? - Kevin Hartless, where you at?

- Why the hell has this boy got a flipper?

Come out here, punk! - Yo, Jack, is he back there?

- He not back there, fellas.

- Yo, yo, yo, you know what? He's with Arsenio.

- Why would he be with Arsenio?

- Because I knew that the little munchkin might bounce.

So I told Arsenio to wait around just in case he shows up.

- That's smart. - I like that.

I like that.

- Yo, yo, yo, yo. Coleman.

Have you seen Kevin? - Oh, yes, sir.

I was just downstairs, and I saw him leave with...

you know, woof, woof, woof.

- Ah. See? I told you. He's with Arsenio.

They're probably gettin' something to eat.

- Oh, okay.

Arsenio. I thought he was with a pitbull.

- That's cool. That's cool.

- [phone ringing] - ARSENIO: Hello?

- Yo. Arsenio. This is Duane.

I'm here with the guys. Do you have Kevin with you?

- KEVIN: [over phone] Oh, God, no, no, don't do it .

- That's Kevin, that's Kevin. - [liquid splashes]

- KEVIN: Help!

- ARSENIO: Nope, haven't seen him. I gotta go.

- Hey!

- Does anybody know where Paula Abdul lives?

- Why?

- He's still messin' with Paula Abdul?

- No. He's rentin' a room.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go.

- Paula Abdul? Are you for real?

She's sexy as hell.

- ♪

- [brakes screech] - You know what?

I bet ya you sputter in bed, too,

that's why Serena left your ass.

- What?

Whose idea was this to take Jackie's mama's car?

- It wasn't my idea. That's for sure.

- Look, look, look. All right.

Nobody volunteered so please [bleep] off right now.

- Jackie, what are you playin' on the radio?

Change it. - No, don't change it!

Uh-oh. - What happened?

Is that an uh-oh or is that * uh-oh

- Nelly, are you tryin' to collect royalties again?

Is that why you always-- - Why you knockin' my hustle?

- That's the only station the car works on.

- Get out! - Let's go.

- See, Duane? Look what you've done, Duane!

- I'm sitting with Kevin Hart, the hottest man in Hollywood.

Or should I say the most flammable?

- PAULA: Arsenio?

- Y'all about to eat me, ain't you?

There's some gingerbread... - Hey, hey, hey.

[bleep] I need you to be quiet, or else I'll set your ass.

Kevin, don't [bleep] with me. Be quiet.

Stop blowin' my [bleep] out.

I'm a-- I need a better lighter.

- You're about to put my black ass in the pot, ain't you?

- Arsenio?

- What?

- What?

I know this non-syndicated mother [bleep] isn't talking

to me like he's all crazy.

You would think somebody who's been living in my pool house

for a year would have a little bit more respect.

Look, Negro. - Hm?

- I'm leaving for Australia.

And I want my God [bleep] rent when I get back.

- Is that what you called me in here for?

Paula, I'm out here doin' a show.

- Your show's been canceled, Arsenio.

See, honey, they told you what Donald Trump should've told you.

You're fired.

- Ah, ah.

- Crazy bitch [bleep].

See, now you understand my fury?

- I don't understand nothin' about you.

I damn sure don't know why the hell you got

Paula's stockin' on your head.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for the clip section of the show.

Move your foot, Kevin!

- If you wanna shoot me, you're gonna have to shoot

my foot first, you mother [bleep].

- Move your feet, Kevin. - Hey, you want TV, huh?

You just want some TV?

Look, look at that camera. Okay, that's my show.

" Real Husbands of Hollywood ." I can get you on that, man.

It did amazing things for Boris, for Robin, even Jackie Long!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Jackie Long is workin'?

- Yes, he's workin'.

Arsenio, I will call BET right now and get this done.

- Okay, but who would I replace?

- Duane.

- Yeah, Duane is bringin' this show down.

- Yeah, he is.

- CELL PHONE: [rap music plays] - Wait, hold on.

It's Donald Trump.

[bleep], BET. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

- Shut up, Kevin, I'm about to get

some of that peacock, brother.

Mr. Trump.

How are you, man? I've been lookin' for you.

You don't call a brother back.

Look, I heard that you all are doin'

a nude " Celebrity Apprentice ."

I want in, man.

Yeah, I show mine.

You want Kevin Hart?

- [whoosh]

- Yeah, no, I'm not insulted.

As long as I--am I in it?

As long as I'm in it, I can get you Kevin Hart.

As a matter of fact, Kevin Hart is here with me right now.

[bleep] I gotta go, Donald.

Kevin!

Bring your ass back here, Kevin!

- Help!

He's tryin' to kill me! Wait!

Please stop!

Stop! Arsenio's tryin' to kill me.

Help!

- We don't carry any cash. Please.

Just get your drugs somewhere else.

- What the hell are you talkin' about?

- Chris Tucker!

- [unintelligible yelling]

- I ain't no damn Chris Tucker.

Get your ass out of the God [bleep] truck [bleep].

Y'all better buckle up.

'Cause we about to go on a ride along.

'Cause it's " Rush Hour "!

- [cheering]

- Tell your mama to throw this [bleep] away. It's dead.

- I'm not tellin' her that.

She givin' me this when she get the new one.

- You know what, I'm sick of you guys, I'm callin' an Uber.

- I prefer Lyft, sir.

- No, Uber's much cheaper and-- - Lyft is--

- We don't have time for all that, we need a car now!

- Nick Nolte actually thought about movin' here and didn't.

That's another person I'm very close to.

- Oh, Uber X.

Uber, hey...

- Oh, my God!

- Duane Martin! " Above the Rim "!

- [cheering] - Holy [bleep]!

Oh, my God. - That's Kevin?

- Hey! Kevin!

- No!

- [unintelligible chatter]

- I'm Chris Tucker! Chris Tucker!

- ♪

- [unintelligible chatter]

- Hey, that's Faith.

That's Faith Evans.

- * But I know that you're headin'... *

- Now that means either somebody's show got canceled

or somebody died.

- The network's sayin' we got 13 episodes.

- Nelly...

what's goin' on with " Nellyville "?

- NELLY: Um, Debra said I'm cool.

- Somebody--

- * This life's trials I'm sorry to see you go *

* But I know that you're headin' home *

- [flatline tone]

- Gentlemen, I'm sorry. But your friend Nick is dead.

- No, no, no. No.

[sobbing]

- Ho, ho, ho, ho. Whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.

- [sobbing] Oh, God.

- It's all right.

- It's all right.

- I am so happy right now.

- What? - What?

- I got so much emotion in me.

I thought I was gonna have to give up a kidney.

I dodged that bullet! [chuckles] Oh.

Who do you love? - Kevin!

- Coleman, give me some.

Huh?

That's my God. What's dead is dead.

Ain't no sense in lookin' at it.

Faith, let's talk funeral.

Ain't no sense in you ridin' that hearse.

That'd be scary. I got a Sprinter.

You could come with me, comfort. Have a couple of drinks.

Me and you figure it out.

- You a ass [bleep], Kevin. My friend is dead.

- Listen, at the end of the day, Nick woulda wanted this.

Okay? I know Nick better than anyone.

- You killed my best friend, you--

[bleep].

- Okay. Boys, boys.

- [unintelligible yelling]

- Security.

Security!

- Oh. Whoa!

Look at his shoes!

They're diamond shoes!

Dorothy, you're goin' home.

Give me these God [bleep] shoes.

- What the hell?

- We got to pay for the funeral.

- DUANE: Kevin, he's dead! - Are you gonna pay for it?

We know Mariah ain't chippin' in.

- Hey, Kev, who you think I should call--

- Kevin, Kevin, really quick.

I know it's a really bad time. - It's a bad time.

- No, come on, Kevin, please just give me one statement

about Nick's untimely death. - Rocsi, listen...

unfortunately, there was nothing that I could do.

I wish there was, but there wasn't.

All right?

I came to the hospital, we held hands.

I mean, he even said that we were brothers back there.

- A lot of people are upset.

They're saying that you ran out on Nick.

That you would not donate your kidney to him.

- No, no. That is not true, okay?

I practically begged Nick to take my kidney.

- You're a liar! - What?

- You killed Nick. You killed Nick.

[chanting] You killed Nick!

You killed Nick! - You need to get off the meds.

- [chanting] You killed Nick!

- Hey! Shut the cameras off.

You're all sick! - You killed Nick!

- You're all sick! - You killed Nick!

- You're all sick! - You killed Nick!

- You're all sick! - You killed Nick!

- Did you record that?

Get that off.

- [chanting] You killed Nick!

- I don't know why they hatin' on me.

I need my three kidneys.

Wasn't like I was born with four like everybody else.

Blame God.

Ow! - You killed Nick!

- Trina stop.

You need to stop it right now.

Now I don't know what you want me to do, Trina, I really don't.

- What you could've done was give him a kidney.

You could've saved his life, but you didn't do that.

- Trina, it ain't like there's just a bunch of kidneys

out here growin' on people.

I can't just go snatch one.

- Once again, I have to ask you to make some big gesture.

- I am not gonna be a court jester.

I am not wearin' that hat.

- [growling] - I don't like the hats.

- No! - What?

- Not a court jester!

- You need to make a gesture, a show,

a demonstration of good will.

And if you don't, there is not gonna be a studio or network

in town that will touch you.

- You're bein' ridic-- - [whack]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Trina.

- Don't touch me, Trina! Stop it!

- You're going to have to show people that you are sorry

about what you've done to Nick. - I--

- And you're gonna do it by doing something heartfelt.

- You want me to go do another " HartFelt " album?

- No one wants you to make another " HartFelt " album.

What I am saying is that that's not gonna make people

like you more, it probably will make them hate you.

- Everyone loves me.

And they love me from all directions, Trina.

Ping, ping, ping, ping.

Love, love, love.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - Catch it. Love.

I caught it again. Love.

- Kev, Kev, Kevin.

Either you got the measles or somebody playin'

missile command with your forehead.

- What are you talkin' about? - Get down!

Get down. Get down, get down.

- [rap music playing] - Hey.

- Kevin! Get on the floor now!

- I thought you told me to start dancin'.

- No!

- There's a dot on your head.

- BOTH: [screaming]

- Okay. Clearly everybody does not love you.

Now look, I know an organization that matches donors

with people who need kidneys.

You are going to make a big donation, all right?

And then I'm gonna get you back on " The Doctors ,"

we're gonna do some damage control,

we're gonna clean this whole situation up, okay?

All right. Deal?

- Deal. Deal, deal, deal, deal.

- Okay. Now you two get out of here.

Now you go straight home and you don't talk to anybody

until you hear from me. - Wait, what about Jackie?

Valet guy, he got my keys. The zoo.

- What happened at the zoo?

- I bought a giraffe. - What?

That was-- - I saw it in a commercial.

- I'm just saying we'll talk about it later.

Go, go, go. - Come on, Jackie.

Come on. - [expels gas]

- Ah! Tear gas!

Ahhh! - Sorry, Jackie.

I farted. I'm nervous.

- Ah, I can't see. I can't see.

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin!

- ♪

- [audience applause]

- Our next guest found out his kidney

was a perfect match for a dying friend.

And right here on this very stage,

he committed to giving that friend the gift of life.

Unfortunately, he reneged, and Nick Cannon passed away.

Please welcome Kevin Hart.

- [audience booing]

- Don't boo me! Boo you!

Everybody can kiss my ass.

Hey.

- Kevin, you may be one of the most hated men

in America right now.

Why did you want to come on the show?

- Well, first of all, I didn't know that I was one

of the most hated men in America 'til you just said somethin'.

- MAN IN AUDIENCE: You suck!

- So let's just get that out the way.

Here's the thing, Tavis.

I came here-- - Uh, it's Travis.

- Look, Dr. Traffic, I wanted to come on here

to basically tell my side of the story.

What I want people to understand is that

I tried to give Nick a kidney.

I was on my way to the hospital, but at the same time

Obama had just got to town.

You know how it is when he's in town, traffic is a mess.

So I couldn't get there.

When I finally got to the hospital, what nobody realizes

is that it was too late.

[crying] I saw Faith Evans singin'

and I knew that he was gone.

I knew that Hollywood had lost one of the best C-List actors

that it has ever seen. [sniffles]

I mean, when you talk about movies that went straight

to DVD, he's up there with the best of 'em.

Right? Am I lyin'?

- I'm actually proud of you

for being so brave to talk about this.

- Ah. [sniffles] - I really am.

- Yeah. I know, I know.

Since I really couldn't help Nick the way I wanted to,

I thought that it was best to come here and show my courage,

my strength, my sex appeal.

- Kevin hold that thought really quickly.

Because right now, I want to introduce our other guest,

America's favorite " Apprentice ," Arsenio Hall!

- [audience cheering]

- Stop, stop, stop! Everybody stop.

What the hell are you doin' here, Arsenio?

- I know you have been a little down in the dumps

since you killed your friend Nick Cannon.

- I didn't kill Nick Cannon, you sick bastard.

- You did kill Nick and you killed

my damn late-night career too.

- Oh, will you just stop it? No, no.

Didn't nobody tell you to book Farrakhan on a Jewish holiday.

- Hold on. I really don't want our show to get canceled,

so Arsenio, can you get to the point?

- Okay, Kev.

I'm sure you want to know why I'm here tonight.

- I do want to know why you're here.

- Ladies and gentlemen, a man who's made love

to almost every woman in Hollywood, Mr. Nick Cannon!

- [audience cheering] - Who?

No!

It's not real.

It's a hologram!

- Wait, wait.

It's not a hologram.

- It's a hologram.

This isn't real. - [bleep]

- Please show him, Nick.

- [whack] - Ow!

- ARSENIO: That hurt, didn't it, Kevin?

You know why it hurt, Kevin?

Because you've been tricked! - What?

- You've been tricked! - What?

- Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Duane Martin, Boris Kodjoe,

Nelly, Trina Shaw, Coleman, Rocsi Diaz,

Lola, Miss Faith Evans.

And yours truly, I'm the new host, of " Trick'd ."

- All right, this is-- this is crazy.

So were you all in on this?

- Everybody. - That's right.

- We got you, man. - You got played, playa.

- Wait a minute?

Is this your idea of a trick you sick son of a [bleep].

- Hey, I got a network that I gotta run.

- Oh, my God.

- Kevin? - Yeah?

- Look at that camera

and tell America what you've just been through.

- America, I would introduce myself,

but you know me because I'm famous.

I'm Kevin Hart, and I've been " Trick'd " again.

- [audience applause]

- Wow. That's why I'm so shocked.

They went all out for this one.

Come on, with the--the torture chamber, they had a sniper,

to top it off,

you all had me really think I donated my kidney.

That's what really messed me up.

- Wait. - Wait, wait, wait.

Hey, hey, hey. - Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

- What is he talkin' about, donated a kidney?

- Who told you to donate a kidney?

- What do you mean who told me to don--Trina told me.

- [unintelligible chatter]

- No, no, no, no, no, I said to make a donation--

as in write a check.

- Okay, well then what I did was check myself

into the hospital and get my [bleep] kidney cut out.

- Why did you do that?

- What do you mean? Yes, you told me.

My kidney is right here in this cooler.

Okay. Look at this.

Hold on.

Wait a minute, this is beef liver.

Jackie, where's my kidney at? - It's not in there, Kevin?

- No, it's not in there. That's beef liver.

- Kev!

You want some of this liver?

Let me taste it for you, baby.

It's real delicious.

[gagging]

- [audience laughing]

- Oh!

Oh!

Oh! That's so sad for you.

Look like you about to get another show canceled.

'Cause I'm about to put the paws on you.

- Freeze!

You know, when J.B. Smoove

hosted this show,

he got hit in the face a lot, right?

Yes. But I'm not doin' that [bleep].

Byclops!

Unfreeze. - [grunts]

Mother [bleep]!

- ♪

-[crowd cheering] - [heart beating]

- ♪