Original subtitles

Previously on

"Real Husbands of Hollywood"...

Just drop dead, Nick.

Oh! Damn!

Your ill-timed comment has

affected the success of your

movie 'cause people didn't like

seeing you tell somebody to die.

Unless we find him a kidney

donor, he's gonna die within

a week.

So we all gonna get tested.

It's you, you are a match.

[cheering and applause]

♪ This is the life

♪ Look at the life

♪ This is the city where we

♪ Party every night

♪ We do it big

♪ Diamonds and gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪

How can I be a perfect match?

Can you explain that to me?

Didn't you tell me there was

one in a bazillion chance

of that happening?

Actually, that's a made-up

word-- bazillion could be

anything.

It could be two.

What?

What are you talking about?

First of all, bazillion

is a real number.

And it's a real place.

It's right on the coast of

Alaska-- that's exactly where it

is-- 'cause you got Alaska...

You actually think that--

No, it's not--

You ever hear of "Bazill"?

I think you're referring to

Brazil.

You think-- no, I'm referring

to-- why are you so stupid?

Why would a number have

anything to do with a place--

That does-- I'm-- this is--

Bazill!

It's not--

Bazillion.

Let's just agree to disagree,

okay?

Let's just disagree!

Now, look, Trina, you need to

fix this.

I ain't giving Nick no damn

kidney, I'm serious.

There's nothing to fix.

This is a good thing.

It's not a good thing.

I just got off the phone with

the White House.

All right? Yes, good news.

You are on the short list for

the Medal of Freedom.

Mm-hmm.

Michelle Obama might be sending

a luncheon invite.

Don't nobody care about

Michelle Obama.

[announcer] Whoa, whoa, no.

Now, I think if you think

about this, you're gonna realize

that today was a good day.

You're doing a good thing, okay?

And for good reason.

And with that said, good-bye.

That is my receptionist, and she

can take care of you.

Trina, you need to fix this.

Mm-hmm.

Serious stuff.

Consider it done.

Tr--

Ah, Kevin Hart.

Gotta love him.

But it's so much easier to throw

him off of a building.

You excite me.

I mean, if you had three cars

and I had one, that mean you

doing better than me, baby.

Jackie, bring your dumb,

excited ass on.

[flashbulbs snapping]

Today, I'm doing press for my

latest mission of mercy,

Raise a Billion, Feed a Billion.

And so far, we have raised

enough to feed...

What the--

79 people.

[cameras clicking]

Hey, look, it's Kevin Hart.

[cheering and applause]

My friend, Kevin Hart.

Oh, man, they love me for

this kidney thing, Kev.

Look at 'em.

Shut up.

Thank you.

See all this applause?

'Cause when you do good,

good things happen to you.

It's called karma.

No, Boris, it's not what it's

called.

What is it called?

It's called being tricked

into giving a kidney to somebody

that you don't give a damn

about.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

Why are you sitting here dressed

like Wolfgang [bleep].

I'm doing press for my event,

which I hope you will attend

because I'm counting on you to

be a celebrity server.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you can count

on me.

Good.

I'm even gonna bring my

specialty.

Which is...

Oh, man, it's a hot, steamy

bowl of kiss my ass.

That's what it is.

And you know what the best

part is?

The center, right there.

And it'll get you full.

[both laughing]

Nice. Okay.

Pose on it.

It'll go great with my kidney

beans.

[chuckling] Funny.

I know you set me up, Boris.

And if you think I'm not gonna

get to the bottom of this, you

got another thing coming.

How about you get your sign

right?

It's a bazillion... stupid.

♪

The hell's all this crap, man?

Well, you got some

chrysanthemums, bougainvilleas.

And peonies!

[sniffing]

That's some real Mitch

[bleep], man.

Hey, Coleman!

Yes?

What's all this crap, man?

Well, sir, ever since you

gave away your kidney to

Mr. Cannon, we've been deluged

with tokens of appreciation.

First of all, I don't know

what deluge mean.

So don't come at me like that.

Oh, check this out, Kev.

You got black roses.

The hell bought me black

roses?

There's a note, sir.

Give me note, give me note.

To-- to, uh, to whom...

To-- to whom-- whom-- to--

Coleman, read this 'cause I--

I can't pronounce that.

What is that?

"To whom it may concern."

Wait, who the hell is whom?

I believe it's referring to

you, sir.

"Each night, when I go to sleep,

I die, and then, in the morning,

I am reborn."

What the hell does that mean?

It's Gandhi, sir.

Gandhi?

Yes, sir, and there's more.

"Tomorrow, I shall live, and

tonight...

you shall die."

Hold on, hold on.

What?

And then below it, there's a

stamp of a butterfly.

Stamp of a butterfly.

Butterfly?

Stamp of a butterfly.

That is some scary [bleep].

Butterflies.

Well, I must say, it's very

well thought through.

The quote and the butterfly,

they all reinforce...

Stop it.

... the overall image of

rebirth, sir.

Coleman, stop.

Yes, sir.

Butterflies.

That's Mariah, man.

Mariah is trying to bribe me to

give a kidney to Nick.

That's what this all about.

♪ Butterflies

Kevin, you sound dumb as

you look.

Are you serious right now?

Mariah wouldn't do no

[bleep] like that, you crazy.

You don't think Mariah's

gangster?

Are you serious?

You think that little

light-skinned woman is just

innocent?

Well, you know what?

That's your problem and you

got to deal with it.

All that gangster [bleep],

I don't care about all that.

I finally broke down Trina's

assistant.

[laughing]

We going out tonight.

Hold on, hold on, I need

somebody to protect me.

Well, I'ma protect you

while I'm gone.

I'm gonna call you to check on

you.

Take these roses to her because

she might need them, since we

don't know who these go.

And, uh, I'ma holler at you,

brother.

Ah! This is gonna help me...

Okay, wait, wait, Coleman,

what about you-- you gonna stay

the night tonight or what?

I'm afraid not, sir.

I have tickets for the Stones

tonight, sir.

I used to be their roadie back

in the day.

Wait, hold on, hold on,

The Stones?

So that means that you-- you

used to get stoned?

I still do, sir.

Okay, all right, this--

Very best of luck, sir, in

case I never see you again.

What the hell is that

supposed to mean?

Hey, Coleman, let me tell you

something, I'm still a man.

Coleman, you understand what

I'm saying?

It don't much scare me.

I'm gonna fight for mine!

I ain't scared of nothin'!

♪

Mr. Hart?

Mr. Hart, wake up.

No, no.

Wha...

Is that my kidney?

No, sir, this is Mr. Cannon's

kidney.

You gave it to him.

No, no, I don't remember

that.

[screaming]

Sir! Sir!

Mr. Hart, sir!

Sir... Sir, it's Coleman, sir.

All is well.

No!

Oh, you were having quite the

nightmare, sir.

Coleman, I don't know what to

do, man.

This whole kidney thing has got

me tripping.

Oh, I understand, sir.

It's quite a lot to deal with.

Coleman, can I ask you a

question?

Certainly, sir.

What would you do if you

were me?

Well, sir, as the saying

goes, it is always better to

give than to receive.

I don't want the bull

[bleep].

Real talk, Coleman.

What would you do?

Well, sir...

if I were to keep it 100,

I would tell Mr. Cannon to go

[bleep] himself.

That's what the hell I'm

talking about.

If the white man would do it,

then it's good enough for me.

You know what, Coleman?

Just for that, you can have the

rest of the day off.

Are you serious, sir?

No, I'm not.

'Cause I'm hungry.

I need something to settle my

stomach, so, Coleman, you need

to go make me something fast.

Very good.

♪

Hey, how you doing, Tonto?

To assist me in feeding the

hungry, I called upon my A-list

celebrity friends, but

unfortunately, they're on the

D-list when it comes to giving

back.

So I called all of my D-list

celebrity friends because they

ain't got [bleep] to do.

I got a script for you, man.

What?

Yeah, it's called

"The Pursuit of Happiness."

And it's about this guy that

sells these bone density

scanners with his son.

I was thinking we'd get

Will Smith to do the lead 'cause

I heard that you and him are

good buddies.

You heard that?

Uh-huh.

On the street?

The streets is talking?

Take some of those beans and

some mac and cheese and...

There you go.

A side of St. Louis sausage.

What you say?

You heard me.

It's gettin' hot in "herre."

I'm not really homeless.

I'm a director.

I'm out here doing research for

my next film, "Holly Hood."

That's two words.

It's about a young boy, comes

out from Cleveland, Ohio, to be

an actor, but he winds up

dancing on tables for money.

Call me, you'd be perfect for

the lead.

But if the play's about a

little boy, then what part would

I play?

He gets a sex change

operation.

That little boy is you,

isn't it?

Hey.

Ho! Whoa.

What you doing?

Get your hands off of me.

Kevin.

What are you doing?

Didn't you get my messages?

Bobby, I'm not going to

Dubai, man.

This man has chips.

I'm talking about one.

Bobby, I don't care

what it is.

Man, all you gotta do is

a hot ten minutes.

And I'll take care of the rest.

Okay, Bobby, listen, you can

take care of it all.

Go over there, do it all.

Get all the money.

I'm not gonna do it 'cause I

don't "rock wit'cha" like that.

Okay.

That's funny-ass [bleep].

Pose on it.

[both laughing]

Really?

You better watch yourself,

Kevin Hart.

Every little step you take.

Just the Mitches I wanted

to see.

Yeah.

What's up, Kev?

Hey, man.

I'm on to you, man.

This whole kidney thing was a

setup.

What are you talking about

a setup?

You tell me how in the hell,

out of a bazillion people, that

I'm a perfect match?

What, like we made you the

perfect match, Kevin, really?

I don't know how it went

down, but I know it went down.

I don't know what you're

talking about, but I'm glad

you're here.

Why don't you get over here, put

your apron on, and help us serve

these people.

We're gonna get to the bottom

of this.

That's the only reason I'm

coming over here.

Help me, help me over.

People trying to eat.

Watch out.

[clatter]

Ohh!

What are you doing with your

feet, Kevin?

Don't put your feet up in the--

Are you crazy?

They'll still eat it.

There you go, man.

Good for you-- green beans.

Just put the dirty ones on

the bottom.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Kevin Hart, the

biggest Mitch of 'em all.

Hah!

[hissing]

I suggest you back up.

I don't even know why you here.

You ain't even a celebrity, man.

Yo, just shut up and give me

some carrots, please.

That's all I need from you, Kev.

Heh, I'm gonna give you--

Wait a-- wait a minute.

You're homeless?

Oliver...

How the mighty, they fall.

Yeah, I had a rough patch

called bad luck.

I'll say.

Guess what, Kevin Hart?

You got bigger ones coming your

way, and it's called revenge.

Oh, you wanna talk revenge?

Let's talk revenge.

Jennifer!

Stop.

Jennifer!

Shut up.

Jennifer!

Yes?

Hey, can you do me a favor,

sweetie-- can we get this guy

some dessert?

'Cause he's really

starting to bum me out.

Oliver?

Yeah.

Is that you?

Is that Oliver?

Is it? Uh, yeah, it's me.

Hi, Jen.

Uh... you look amazing,

as always.

Hmm.

Well, you don't.

I know, kind of looks

bad to me.

And where the hell have

you been?

I--

And how dare you not return

my phone calls!

He didn't return your calls?

I would never do-- why didn't

you call her?

Hey, hey, hey.

How dare you not return my

phone calls.

Calm down, calm down.

You could've called her

from the shelter.

Listen, listen, listen.

You get those bum hands off

of her.

Listen, I was embarrassed to

face you after Kevin fired me.

He blackballed me so no one else

would give me a job.

Next thing I know, I'm alone,

broke, fighting random

celebrities...

Baby.

I'm selling blood on the side

so I can make a little money.

Oh, baby, oh...

I think it's terrible what Kevin

did to Oliver.

I knew that he wouldn't just

leave me like that.

I'll never forgive Kevin

for this.

You are gonna pay for this,

Kevin Hart.

Hah!

Baby, you don't have to be

embarrassed in front of me.

Let Mama take you home, clean

you up, feed you, give you some

good lovin'.

Jen...

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Jen, I'll tell you where

you're not gonna go.

His house.

You know what, Kevin?

Yah! Ahh!

[hissing]

The ass whooping I put on you

last time, it was just the

beginning.

This time, you won't see it

coming.

That's [bleep] up, Kev.

I just don't understand the

whole selling blood thing.

I didn't even know you could

sell blood.

Course you can sell blood.

People are doing it every day.

And that's when I got the

idea of the century.

Let's put it this way.

I hit a "homeless" run.

[chuckling]

♪

Please, guys, don't get no

blood on the floor.

Kind of be careful.

You got yourself a cookie, good.

You know, they say everything

happens for a reason.

See, if I hadn't gone to Boris's

Raise a Bazillion, Feed a

Bazillion thing, then I wouldn't

never have been hit by that

lightning bolt of genius.

Why give up my kidney when

I can buy one?

What is going on here, Kevin?

Yeah, Kev.

Give everybody a cookie.

We just supposed to be

feeding these mother [bleep],

not letting the move in.

Listen, I'm doing what good

friends do, trying to find

somebody else to give Nick

a damn kidney.

Got another one.

Got another one, Kev.

Thank you.

Wait, Jackie, why is this wet

on the outside?

Jack--

Are you serious?

Blood and cookies?

Stupid, Jackie, it's blood.

This is illegal, man.

Contain this for me.

Put this in there.

Go get yourself a cookie.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

What are you-- listen.

I am trying to help.

Kev, Kev, you're not thinking

about pulling out, are you?

First of all, I'm always

thinking about pulling out.

I'm the king of pulling out.

You can't do that.

Not at all, man.

Nick is depending on you, man.

You know, that's easy for

y'all to say 'cause y'all not

the one giving up the damn

kidney.

Mother[bleep] right.

Yeah, you know what's funny

to me is that when y'all found

out that I was the perfect

match, y'all was somewhere

parading and dancing all around

like a bunch of fools.

Jackie told me he saw you.

Jackie, what was they doing when

they found out that they wasn't

the perfect match?

Cabbage patching, all this.

Get out of here.

Celebrating.

Kev, you can't renege, man.

What did you just say?

You can't renege.

Don't call me

no reneger, man.

Not in my house.

We don't use the word reneger in

my house.

I have no idea what that

means.

You know what it is.

You think I'm a reneger?

Do you think I'm a reneger?

You know what, I'm gonna show

you some-- Jackie, give it to

me, give me the wad.

Give it to me.

The weezie.

$10,000 right now to whoever

is the perfect match, people!

Give me that, what are you--

You can't buy these people.

I'll buy what I wanna buy.

Listen up, everybody.

You don't have to do this,

all right?

You are too good for this.

You need to go right now.

All right, Boris, let me help

you out there.

All right, check it out, uh,

everyone, we're serving free

drinks downstairs.

Wait.

Are you serious?

Wait, wait, no, no, hey!

That's what got you in the first

place!

Slow down!

Look, look, you're gonna go back

to skid row.

Listen, guys, I'm trying to give

you free soap, free showers!

[door slamming]

That was my chance.

Kev.

That was my chance.

All right, look.

Just-- that was my chance,

and it walked out.

You're gonna feel so much

better tomorrow after the

procedure.

I don't know.

You're gonna look at Nick,

he's gonna be happy.

He's gonna be smiling.

You're his friend.

You're saving his life.

You're doing the right thing,

Kevin.

Yes.

You guys just gotta

understand that it's just

a little-- it's a little scary,

you know?

[sniffling]

I-I've never even met my kidney,

and now I have to give it away.

I don't wanna give it away.

I'm-- I'm so nervous and--

Thank you, Jackie.

[sniffling] I'm so nervous.

Can you guys sing me a song

that'll put me to sleep, please?

Yeah, sing him a song.

Hey, Nelly, I don't want any

of that St. Louis country

grandma stuff.

Aw, come on, man.

♪

He's not gonna do it,

I'll tell you.

Oh, no, he's gonna do it.

No, it's gotta happen.

We can't leave Nick hanging like

that.

So what are you gonna do,

hold him down?

If we have to.

And I'm with Shake, a'ight?

If Kevin's too chicken [bleep]

to give up his kidney like he

promised, then we drag his ass

down to the hospital ourself.

Well, it's the only way

you're gonna get him down there

tomorrow.

Well, that's why we got

Plan "B."

[both] Jackie Long.

We promised Jackie that if

you get Kevin down to the

hospital, we'd give him the

money that he owes Serena.

Mm-hmm, all $92.

And you believe that?

He said he was with it.

Damn right.

For $92, [bleep], Jackie would

cut out his grandmama's kidney.

Hey, man, Nick, I--

Look, I gotta say something,

dude, I don't know about this--

Kev, Kev, let me go first.

[sighing]

Look, I know in the past, we

haven't been the closest.

That's what I'm saying, dude,

so we don't really need to go

through--

And we've had our issues.

But I wanna say, from this day

forward...

[sighs] we're no longer friends.

Then why the hell am I here,

Nick?

I got other stuff I can do,

dude, I'm not trying--

Kev, let me finish.

We're brothers.

Hell you talking about, we--

Now-- now what were you

gonna say?

Hey, man, what the--

Just give it back, brother.

Give it back, I don't wanna do

this if you ain't trying--

Oh, hey.

Whoa... hey, okay...

Oh, whoa, Bert and Ernie,

what the hell? Y'all got--

Get in closer--

No, no, no... no.

Never mind that-- here, here.

Pass these cups around right

here, man.

No, no, no, nothing to

celebrate yet.

We have an operation.

We can't drink.

Oh, this ain't for you.

Hey, I'd like to propose a

toast.

Propose a toast, Shake!

To the kidney brothers.

We don't really need to

really go through with that.

Okay, gentlemen, okay.

Here's the doctor.

Let the doctor through.

It's about that time.

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Wait, wait, no, no.

That's right.

We did it, y'all!

It's skee yee!

No, ain't no-- ain't no

skee yeeing!

[overlapping chatter]

Take that with you.

Don't worry about it, okay?

Skee yee!

[crying] Skee yee...

Skee yee...

Mister Incredible!

All right.

That's my dog.

That's what I'm talking

about.

Well, we did it, y'all.

We did it.

We got him in there.

That's what I'm talking

about, man.

Right? We did it.

It was like pulling teeth,

though.

No, but you-- you-- what?

You made everybody--

[crashing, Kevin screaming]

Whoa.

I'm not doing it!

Ain't nobody getting

my kidneys, man!

Move!

Nobody's getting it!

You're not getting my kidney!

Move!

Coleman, hurry up with my bags.

I gotta get the hell out of

here, man.

They're not getting my kidney.

Mr. Hart.

Yeah?

Do you require your fins?

Yes.

What kind of question is that?

I'm going to Bazill, Coleman.

"Bazill"?

Yes, Coleman, Bazill.

Sir, I am very sorry, but

there is no such country as

Bazill.

Coleman, I swear, sometimes

I think you got to be the

dumbest person on the face of

this earth.

Bazill is a country, and it's

a big one.

It's right on the coast of

"Argentuna."

Be sure to send me a

postcard.

I will, I will.

Shall I bring the car around,

sir?

Yes, Coleman, please, go make

yourself useful.

Very good, sir.

Thank you, do something.

Ask me about my damn feet.

You seen my feet.

I get in there barefoot,

I scare them fish away.

I need these fins.

[doorbell chiming]

♪ [ominous music]

Coleman, don't you get

that door!

Coleman!

Coleman?

Ohh.

I'll kill you.

Weapons.

Coleman!

What are you doing here?

Uhh! ♪