Original subtitles

Previously on "Real Husbands

of Hollywood..."

[bleep] your little ass,

I'm going home.

Aah!

What a minute.

You're strong as...

Ow!

Care to dance?

Stop!

Will you let me go!

♪ This is the life

♪ Look at the life

♪ This is the city

♪ Where we party every night

♪ Every night

♪ We do it big

♪ Diamonds and gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪

I'll tell you what, Jackie,

you have my car back today.

My car better not have a scratch

on it.

If it's got a scratch on it,

I'm going to scratch your ass.

You want the scratchy ass?

Don't put a scratch on it?

Who does he think he's talking

to?

Your car is ready, sir.

You got that dent out, right?

Yes, sir.

And replaced that windshield.

It's like a brand-new car.

Put it on Mr. Hart's account?

Who else?

Yeah, well, you better be

lucky is that I met this

beautiful, tall, amazing person

at the airport that was willing

to give me a ride.

You need to relax.

This will take the edge off.

Is that a snake tattoo?

Should I be worried?

No.

Not unless you are one.

Well, my tongue is quick.

[slurping sound]

Jessica White.

Oh.

Whoo!

Now, look, I already know what

you're thinking.

After the whole Selita incident,

why would I go and mess with

another model?

Okay, first of all, understand

that that didn't go down the way

you think it did.

That was her and Katie Couric

conspiring to bring a brother

down.

But don't worry because after

tonight, Imma be back on top...

model.

And Imma Instagram the whole

thing, so I suggest you

follow me.

Kevin Hart, the number four,

the word real.

Hashtag in that [bleep].

♪ I got the database

♪ For you in the face

Thank you.

♪ I got the database

Everything okay?

No.

My assistant screwed up my

[bleep] reservation.

Now I don't have a place

to stay.

Yeah!

No.

Boy-- Did-- Are you calling her?

Don't do that.

Let's shut that down.

Let's figure this out

on our own.

Okay, okay.

My penis is-- Place.

Place is huge.

My place is huge.

I don't think that's a good

idea, Kevin.

You know how people talk.

Don't nobody care about us

to talk about us.

You can do what you want.

You can run around naked,

take a bubble bath.

I won't be there.

Look, you were nice.

I'm just trying to return

the favor.

I promise to be a complete

gentleman.

Look at me. Eye contact.

Complete gentleman.

Oh, I'm not worried.

Now be a doll and get my bag.

I'll get your bag 'cause Imma

bag that [bleep].

Coming.

My numerology number is 21,

which equals three, which means

you can equally be maternal one

moment and then a [bleep] nutjob

the next.

Yeah, what you're about to do

is be all over that curb, babe.

Why don't you sit up?

Don't do that.

Don't play like that.

'Fore you fall.

I don't like that.

I fell off of that once.

It wasn't cool.

I wouldn't mind.

You wouldn't mind?

Something you want to tell me?

Everything all right?

You got daddy issues?

Hell no.

I'm fine.

All right.

I just do bungee jumping

every year for my birthday.

This year I planned on doing

the Nevis in New Zealand.

Oh, New Zealand.

Mm-hmm.

Well, let me ask you a

question.

Why go all the way to New

Zealand when you can hang upside

down in my bedroom?

You know, they call me the human

bungee cord.

Boing.

See, I knew you were gonna

[bleep] it all up.

It's just a little [bleep]

joke.

No, it's a big, big [bleep]

joke, but it's just a joke.

Goodnight, Kevin.

I'm just joking!

It's just a joke!

♪

[sighs]

[knocking on door]

Kevin.

Oh, girl, say it to me again.

Kevin?

[Kevin murmuring]

Say it with your chest.

We about to get at it.

You and me.

Right--

I couldn't sleep in that

kids' room alone.

You mind if I sleep in here

with you?

Oh!

Whoa!

That one got away from me.

I got you.

Come right here.

We can, um,

you can get right here.

You want the left side,

the right side?

Just tell me where

you want to be.

Well, I like to sleep

diagonally.

Whoa, wait a minute, hold on,

strong foot.

Wait a second, girl.

That ain't--

That ain't helping me.

I need to be in bed.

Well, I guess you need to go

sleep in the kids' room.

Why the hell Imma sleep

in the kids' room for?

What's up, Kev?

Jackie, what the hell are you

doing here?

I told you--

What's up with you, Jessica?

Hi, Jackie.

How you doing, girl?

Y'all know each other?

Man, look at you.

Give me a hug.

Give me a hug, girl.

I ain't seen you in so long.

What's going on?

Oh, my God, girl.

Let me sit down and talk-- Eww!

What is that?

Time out.

I ain't about to have this

threesome.

So I don't know what y'all got

planned.

Ooh.

My bad.

You got your jerkings out.

Huh?

Ooh, he so rude.

Kevin on his private time.

Let's get up out of here,

Jessica.

No.

You got it all wrong.

This ain't got nothing

to do with that.

Come on.

Look, they having this function

going on downstairs.

I got eczema.

Eczema?

Now you got eczema?

You're itching?

Don't lie.

That's not the cream.

You ain't seen the back

of my knees.

All right, but deal,

let me go put some clothes on.

Yeah.

'Cause I'm in need

of a good party.

And I feel like getting hot

and sweaty.

Wait.

Wait, Jessica!

I can get you hot and sweaty!

Jackie, you got some nerve.

You better be lucky I don't

fight a man while I'm in my

boxers, you hear me?

'Cause if I did, I'd whoop your

ass.

Guess what.

What?

Pose on 'em!

I'm gone, Kev!

♪

Slow up in here.

What up, baby?

Uh, no, I'm sorry, sir.

You need a jacket.

I need a jacket?

You need a jacket.

I live here.

You better be lucky I didn't

come downstairs in drawers, man.

Watch out.

Let me in.

You need a jacket, sir.

Man, what you need to do is

get your hands off me before you

take a gamble on this ass

whooping.

Is that what you want?

No.

'Cause that's what I'm trying

to give right now.

Is that Jack-- Jackie.

Where the hell you get a tux

from?

Oh, Kev, I keep this in the

trunk of my car, man.

For emergencies.

What's the emergency?

That your tux faded?

Kevin, Kevin.

When did you get a car?

When you get in, you gonna

have some fun.

Hey.

[mouthing]

I can see your face.

Sir, if you don't have a

jacket--

Whoa, wait a minute.

You don't think I got the money

to buy a jacket?

I didn't say that.

That's what you're saying.

Do you know who you talking to?

K. Hart.

Capital "K," capital "H."

Nice to meet you, Mr.--

Bank.

Big bank take little bank

all day.

I understand.

You want me to get a jacket?

Yes, please.

I--

I'll give you five grand for

your jacket right now.

Okay.

All right.

You wanna see people with

money do big things?

You just saw it.

You were just a witness.

Now I got a jacket.

What you gotta say now?

I was trying to say we have

free loaner jackets.

You got free what?

Enjoy the party.

Enjoy not giving nobody else

the rope.

Enjoy that.

I just bought this.

Oh, come on.

Jessica, really?

Him?

Uh-oh.

New money's in the house.

Faustino!

What's up, man?

What's up, mitch?

[audience laughing]

How about, uh,

no money's in the house.

Ah, well, look who's talking.

You sure you have enough money

to B-E-T.

See what I did there?

I said to B-E-T,

that's 'cause he--

Forget it.

Hey, yo, Kev, baby.

This table's for high rollers.

What's that supposed to mean?

You ain't said nothing

to a boss, baby.

Nothing.

$10,000.

Boom.

That's very funny, Kev,

but it's $100,000 buy-in.

Unboom.

I ain't spending that kind of

money on no damn poker.

You done lost your mind.

Hm, just like I thought.

What's that supposed to mean?

I just thought you were

different, that's all.

You know, the type of man that

lived his life on the edge.

So, you want to go big,

is that it?

I always want to go big, Kev.

Jackie!

Skeedleedee!

Ooh-ooh!

Jackie!

Come over here, man.

Give me my Aston Martin key.

No, no, no, no, Kevin.

Not the Aston Martin.

What do you mean no, like

that's your damn car?

My girls like that car.

Man, you better give me my

car key.

Kevin, don't do this right

now.

How many jokes you tell to

get an Aston Martin?

Give me the damn key.

Right now.

Stupid.

You better give me the key.

Real stupid.

You real stupid.

You gonna lose your [bleep].

You gonna lose.

Dumb ass.

You lose. I win.

You lose.

Hoo.

Hope they pose on you.

Hoo.

That's gotta be at least

200 grand right there.

That should be enough to buy me

in, right, Bud?

That'll get you in.

♪

The bet is to you, Mr. Hart.

It's to me, huh?

And remember,

mitches lose riches.

You know, Faustino,

I'm really getting sick of you.

So you know what this mitch

is gonna do?

[whistling]

He's all in.

Did you hear what I said,

Faustino?

All in, all in, all in.

The question is, what are

you gonna do?

I'm gonna call.

Let's see what you got.

It's show and tell, guys.

Flip 'em over.

Uh-oh.

He's got a king high straight.

Uh-oh.

Faustino's in trouble.

Yeah, I think what's going to

have to happen here is, uh, that

you're going to have to wipe me

clean after I royal flush.

I'm sorry, what?

Pot goes to Mr. Faustino.

Yes, it does.

Uh, put this on my tab, please.

Uh, hey, Kev, you got the valet

ticket for the Aston Martin?

Ah, never mind, I'll find it.

Here, if you need for valet.

Bye, darling.

♪

Hey, um, Kevin,

so you lost our car, huh?

After I got the damn dent out.

What dent?

I mean, after I left the

incense-- it don't even matter

because the car gone.

Listen.

You listen to me

and you listen good.

Okay?

I don't care what you gotta do,

you get my car back from

Faustino.

At any means necessary.

Kevin, you hit my nose one

more time--

Listen to me.

If you got to do anything,

you do it.

Jessica!

♪

[police sirens wail]

[shouting]

[bell dings]

There you go!

Get him!

No, no!

Jackie, what the hell are you

doing?

I told you to go find my car.

About that, Kevin--

Is that Jessica?!

No, you not.

Yeah, Jessica.

Jessica, you shouldn't

do this!

No, no!

[bell dings]

Excuse me.

Um, excuse me.

What the hell is going on?

Celebrity Fight Club.

Every week a bunch of

celebrities get together and

beat the [bleep] out of each

other.

What do you think?

I'll tell you what I think,

Jessica.

I think this big version of

Shrek over here is about to put

his foot in your ass,

that's what I think.

Listen, Jessica, are you

going to focus or are you going

to talk to your little

girlfriend?

I'm sorry, who are you

talking to?

Talking to you.

He ain't talking to me.

I'm talking to you.

You're not talking to me.

Yes, I'm talking to you.

Go bake some cookies, okay?

Bake some cookies?

Look, listen--

Was that a short joke?

Don't be mad at me 'cause they

killed you in the first five

minutes of "Batman."

I didn't get killed,

I got cut right here.

That's all that happened.

No, you got killed

right there.

I would kill myself if

I was in "Soul Plane."

Oh, that's right, 'cause

"Black Dynamite" went through

the roof.

Yes, it did.

Leave us alone.

What'd you say?

We're trying to do something.

[bell dings]

Kill that man!

[Jessica grunts]

[crowd cheers]

Aah!

Yes.

My money, my money.

Yes.

Aha!

Congratulations.

It's fun.

Nah.

You should try it.

Yeah, I'm more of a lover,

not a fighter.

That's not really my thing.

Right.

Just like I thought.

[bleep].

I'm sorry, what you thought?

What'd you say you thought?

Jessica must not know my

history.

I knocked out Layla Ali.

I knocked out Sugar Shane

Mosley.

And I knocked out Fat Jesus.

Twice!

Boo!

Hey, boy.

Still a mitch.

Well, well.

If it isn't the smallest man

in America.

[Kevin laughing]

Didn't expect to see you

here, Oliver.

But now that I do see you...

You guys have cubbies?

You don't have cubbies here?

You gotta give a better

location if you don't have

cubbies.

Here you go.

Can you hold this for me please?

Mike, you might want to step

back.

A real fighter is about to

fight.

Paws.

I don't even know why you came

here, Oliver.

This is supposed to be a

celebrity fight club.

You know why I'm here?

To get what's mine.

That back pay, homie.

Tough words

coming from a flunky!

I didn't even say

nothing, Kevin.

Not you, flunky.

I'm talking to my old flunky.

This your old flunky?

That's my old flunky.

You're my new flunky.

I'm the new flunky?

You the new flunky.

Move, Jackie.

This flunky.

I don't go by Oliver no more.

I go by OG.

Well, guess what.

I'm about to beat

the D-O-G-S-A-- No.

The D-O-G-C--

"I" before "Y," sometimes...

The dog[bleep]!

I'm about to beat the dog[bleep]

out of you, man.

Bottom line.

Hey, man, this ain't got nothing

to do with you, so don't look

over here.

Sneak punch!

[crowd oohing]

You hit just like your

material.

All set up, no punch.

We gotta wipe that up,

right there.

Wear your gloves!

Yeah, that's for

Robin Thicke.

JB, this one's for you.

Mike Epps, I got your back.

Gloves!

Wear your gloves!

♪

Damn, nephew.

Who put them paws on you like

that?

You wanna talk about it?

Nope.

Let me tell you this little

tizzale.

I don't wanna hear it.

Okay.

In the beginning--

No, no, I don't--

...there was Adam and Eve.

And this thing called

sticky-icky-icky.

In other words, the ooh-wee.

And then came the deceiver.

And since she came, [bleep]

ain't been the same, nephew.

Imma be honest with you, unc.

I don't know what the [bleep]

you talking about.

I don't.

Look here.

You just beware of the serpent.

Kev.

This the floor.

This is the floor.

Always, always a pleasure.

[chuckling]

Come on, I'll hold the door.

No, my brother,

we going to the top.

This is the top.

It's the penthouse.

Not for me.

I'm going as high as I can get.

Ladies, don't know if you got

a choice, but I don't think it's

safe-- okay.

Hey, man!

What the hell?

Oh!

Y'all gotta put that out.

Put that out.

Here you go, man.

Hey, thank you, man.

Appreciate that.

Oh, don't be flipping in here.

What y'all doing?

You're cutting your rib out?

Don't cut your ribs!

They just gave this to me!

All right, all right, all right!

What the hell is y'all's

problem, man?

Jackie!

[hooting]

Jackie!

What the hell is going on

in here, man?

Listen.

I don't know who these people

are.

Get 'em out.

Everybody.

Everybody out.

Everybody?

And you follow them.

Oh, Kevin, baby.

♪

Oh, wow.

Hey.

Wait, whoa, wait a minute.

I just saw you downstairs.

How the hell you change

that fast?

I'm a model, Kevin.

So, I guess you don't like

my friends.

Hey, Jess.

When are we drinking blood?

Later, babe.

All right, you got it.

When are we drinking--

What's going on?

Okay.

I guess you're just not the

man I thought you were.

What you come and pet me for?

Hey, hey, I'm who you thought

I was.

Who did you think I was?

'Cause I don't drink blood,

and if I did something to make

you think I drink blood--

Reckless.

Girl, I'm--

I am reckless.

You know what, my whole life

is a damn wreck.

You ain't seen nothing till

you've seen me wreck

some [bleep].

Kevin!

What you want me to do with him?

Get him out!

Get him off the line

and get him out!

Come on, man.

You know what,

my middle name is Wreck.

I'm about that wreck life.

Give me the fire.

You're one of them freaky girls.

Ooh.

Kevin.

I need you to do one thing

for me.

Tell me what you need me

to do?

Oh, you want to know if I use

condoms?

Okay, well, you're an Olympian.

Why don't you go for the gold?

That's lunging,

that's the long jump.

No.

This is something a thousand

times more exciting.

Ahh!

Oh!

I made it!

[Kevin grunting]

What the hell you mean she

dared you to bungee jump?

She said I wasn't fearless,

so I showed her that I wasn't

afraid of nothing.

You mean your home girl

walking out the door right now?

Oh, Jessica!

Kev, you naked, Kevin!

♪

Jessica!

Hey, Kev.

Thanks for the Aston Martin.

Ha!

Hey!

Wait a minute!

I'm the one who bankrolled

Faustino.

Why don't you Instagram that,

Kevin?

Damn it!

Damn, Kevin, you just lost

your Aston Martin, got your ass

whooped by your own flunky,

and then you bungee jumped

with your ass out

from your hotel room.

And you still didn't get the

drawers?

Like, honestly, I don't know

what else could happen worse

than that.

Shut up, Jackie.

I don't.

Just shut up.

Oh, [bleep].

You got a snake tattooed

on your back.

What?

A snake tattooed

on your back!

Man, get it off!

Jackie, Jackie, stop playing.

I'm not playing!

Jackie! ♪