Original subtitles

Previously on "Real Husbands

of Hollywood..."

Tisha Campbell-Martin, you're

under arrest for real estate

fraud and tax evasion.

This is all stemming from an

ongoing investigation into the

Church of the BUTIFUL,

headed up by Duane Martin.

What?

Crazy, right?

What? What? What?!

I'll wait for you!

Look, Kev, we've been dating.

May he love you better

than I ever did.

Told you I'd wait for you,

baby.

♪ This is the life

♪ Look at the life

♪ This is the city

♪ Where we party every night

♪ Every night

♪ We do it big

♪ Diamonds and gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

[doorbell rings]

♪

[doorbell rings]

I'm coming!

♪ Yeah

Hey, Kev.

Duane, what the hell are you

doing here, man?

It's 4:30 in the morning.

Yeah, I know, I know.

They let Tisha out of jail.

Then she kicked me the [bleep]

out.

What's that got to do with

me, Duane?

Well, I was just hoping that

I could stay with my best

friend, man.

You know, Kev, you're the only

person that I came to about

this.

Hey, Nicole.

Tisha kicked me out.

I need a place to stay.

Nelly.

I need a place--

Hey, Nick, listen, I need--

Mama!

Duane...

do I look like I put the "W"

in stupid?

Hm?

What the hell?

Duane.

Huh?

How the hell-- Yo, why is all

this luggage in here?

Oh, that's my toiletries.

Hey, Kev, thank you for letting

me crash, man.

Really appreciate it.

I'm not letting you crash

here, Duane, so I don't know

where you got that idea--

Is that chili, man?

Yeah.

Oh, wanna try it?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, that's good.

That's really good.

I see why Tisha got so big.

Wait till you see breakfast.

No, no, there ain't going to

be no breakfast, man.

I don't hang out with thieves,

Duane, sorry.

Okay, first of all, Kevin,

I didn't steal anything.

Oh, stop it.

But, look...

All I did was I got some

investors interested in backing

Boris' church.

Then all of a sudden, the Feds

starting coming around

and claiming embezzlement,

tax evasion, racketeering.

The bizarre thing about all of

this is that all of the

paperwork was in Tisha's name.

Actually, everything is in

Tisha's name.

Car, house, gym membership.

But I'm the only one who use

that.

Great chili, [bleep]-up

story.

You gotta go, Duane.

I'm sorry, you gotta go.

Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go.

Duane.

[sighs]

Oh, come on.

I got no place to go, Kev.

Okay, just stop it, okay?

You know where you can go?

To the front desk,

and you can go get you a room.

Tisha took my allowance.

What-- what do you want

from me?

[doorbell rings]

Huh?

Oh, if you don't mind,

I invited some people over.

I'm-- I'm sorry, what?

I invited some people over.

Is it cool?!

You invited people to my house

at 4:30 in the morning, man?

God.

Good morning, Mr. Hart.

Are you ready for your

massage therapy?

Yeah.

Uh, if you go right, uh, uh,

straight back.

Just go straight into the back.

To the deep end?

Yeah.

[clearing throat]

You got two days,

one for each girl,

and then you're gone.

That's all I ask for.

A couple of days, brother.

Y'all, I'll be eating

your chili.

♪ Oh many times I called

♪ You ignored me

♪ Now you're talking I'm sorry

♪ Got my things and I'm gone

♪ Uh-oh uh-oh

♪ Many times I...

Well, this track is fire,

Bridgette.

We gonna win with this one.

I don't know.

I don't know if I can do it.

I mean--

Stop, stop, yes you can.

You can do this.

And just like Mariah, Whitney,

and all them when they got

started, you just laying

foundation.

That's all.

I wrote this song just for you.

You hear me?

Mm.

My little songbird.

[chuckling]

Oh.

You know what I love

about you?

What's that?

You believe in me.

Mm.

You know what I love about you?

What?

Your big ol'...

personality.

Yo, this has been, like, one of

the coolest relationships

I ever had.

No expectations, she do her

thing, I do my thing.

I could get used to this.

This relationship is amazing.

Much better than the one I had

with Mighty Mouse.

I'm into him and he's into me.

So, this is what monogamy

feels like.

I could get used to this.

♪

Good afternoon, Mr. Hart.

Would you care for orange juice

or coffee?

Who the hell are you,

and where's Peaches and Cream?

Peaches and Cream send their

regrets, sir.

They had another appointment.

Duane!

There's an old white man

in my room!

That's Colman,

your new butler.

Okay, this is weird, man.

You got to go.

Very good, sir.

I will await you in the bath.

You don't have to follow me,

man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey... Shake.

What's going on?

Why are these people in my

house?

We were waiting for you,

Kev.

I've been wanting to introduce

you to Team Hart.

What?

This is your script reader.

She found all of Tom Cruise's

movies, the ones that worked.

This is your new assistant.

Hey.

Okay?

This is your new chef.

Okay.

All right, this is your

trainer.

And this is your new security.

Shake, come here.

'Cause I feel like I met

everybody.

Is there a way where we can

possibly get these people the

[bleep] out of my house?

Ah, come on, Kevin.

It's too early.

Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious.

I don't want strangers in my

home.

Do you understand what's

happening right here?

This is Team Hart.

You need a team to get where

you're going, man.

Kevin, I don't want you to think

of Kevin Hart as only

just a brand.

I want you to think of yourself

as a franchise, right?

Like Hartbucks.

Or Wal-Hart.

All right, okay.

You ready for this one?

HartDonald's.

That hit me.

Huh?

That hit me.

I knew it.

That hit me.

HartDonald's.

No, that's good,

I like McDonald's.

Home of the Little Mac?

Okay, all right.

You got my attention.

Duane is good.

He's so good.

I need you to hurry up

and get dressed.

We got a meeting at Sony.

You're at the top of the list

for "Iron Man."

Cheadle's out?

Downey.

What?

Huh?

Wait a minute.

Hold on.

You can thank me later.

Wait a minute.

Downey?

Yes.

Did I earn my rent now?

Look at my face.

You--

Watch it.

We need your face right.

♪

Kevin Hart's room, please.

No, I don't know his alias.

Honey, honey, honey!

Honey, I need to talk to you--

Oh!

Baby, I need to talk to you!

Hey, hey, hey, listen.

What, Kevin, what?!

Hey, listen, Tisha, stop.

We're working right now.

We don't have the time.

Kevin, move, okay?

I need to talk to my husband.

Tisha, listen, what you gonna

do is talk to me.

You got to talk to me.

Talk to you about what?

Talk to me.

Reality is that's not your

husband no more.

You fired him, I hired him,

baby.

Look, I don't have time for

your little games, okay?

So [bleep] off, you little

[bleep].

We're done here, let's go.

Baby, I need to talk to you!

Let's go, guys, let's go.

Babe! Babe, please!

Please come home!

I can't find the kids' school.

I can't find the kids.

Tisha!

What?!

First of all,

you're a bad parent.

Let's just throw that out there.

I'm not denying that!

Okay, second of all,

he wants a test.

A what?

I don't know if those babies

are his?

W-- What?

Yeah, yeah, I never said

anything to you, but they don't

look like him.

Let's just nip that in the bud

right now.

Oh, my God!

Last but not least, you gave

him up, he belongs to me.

He belongs to who?

I didn't want to do this, but

you left me no choice.

Fellas.

Babe, you're gonna--

Get rid of it.

Get rid of who?

Who-- Who is he talking about?

Wait!

Get off me! Get off!

Duane!

♪ I'm sorry baby

♪ Don't you know

♪ I've had enough

♪ Miss me with

♪ I'm sorry baby

♪ I'm sorry is not enough

♪ Not enough

♪ Many times I called

♪ You ignored me

♪ Now you're talking

♪ I'm sorry

I'm feeling this.

You like that?

I do.

This turned out dope.

You like that take?

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

It was good. It was--

It was really good.

Ooh, girl, you sang that!

Thanks, Tamar.

I was just doing what you told

me to do.

I ain't tell you to try to

sing better than me though.

Wow, you sound amazing.

Thank you.

That means a lot.

I'm a fan.

Oh, thank you.

Nelly.

Hey.

Let's keep in touch.

All right.

All right, thanks.

No problem.

Nice to meet you.

Tamar, let's hang out some

time, girlfriend.

Um, all right.

You really think that she

meant what she said?

Oh, she loved it.

All right?

We sold her the song!

Yes.

What song?

The song you just sang

the hell out of.

You-- You don't remember me

telling you-- That's Elle.

You know, I been trying to

sell her a song since she was

nominated for a Grammy.

And we did it today, baby!

Yeah, wait, wait, but my

song?

The one you wrote for me?

'Cause you told me I was the

only one who could sing that

song, Nelly.

Yeah...

Ooh, Nelly, you tried it

like that.

Didn't he though?

Yes!

Excuse me, listen.

Don't worry about that, B.

I got a thousand songs

you can sing.

We'll cut another one tomorrow.

Yeah, but you wrote that one

for me.

Ooh, baby, let me tell you

something, girl.

Don't fall for that.

That ain't Babyface, okay?

And you ain't Toni.

And you a rapper, though,

okay?

You're not a songwriter.

Okay, look, Tamar.

Can I please have a moment with

Bridgette, please?

Sure.

But girl, let me tell you

something.

You better watch your song.

And get your life.

How about you just

get the door?

How about you have several

seats?

All right.

And give Inspector Gadget back

his hat.

Listen.

Don't be like that.

She has no family values.

All right?

We said we was gonna keep it

100.

I could have went behind your

back, but that's what we're

doing.

We're keeping it true,

all right?

Right?

Yeah.

That's what we're doing.

Oh, Imma keep it 100, all right.

Nelly got 99 problems and this

[bleep] is two.

♪

Good afternoon, Mr. Hart.

Hey, Colman.

Your regular.

Brown liquor on the rocks.

Oh, you know how I like it.

Colman, I'm tired, man.

Is that bed ready?

I'd say so, sir.

Peaches and Cream are in

position.

With their massage table.

Hello.

Okay, then call me back when

you get it right.

Who was that?

Some small-time insurance

company.

Wants you to replace a damn duck

as their spokesperson.

I told them we need $3 million

or they can duck off.

Well, did you-- did you call

my agent?

Come on, man, who needs a

stinking agent?

We can keep that 10% in house.

What do you mean we?

Okay, Shake, you know what?

After I get my massage, man, you

and I, we're might have to have

us a talk, okay?

Oh, I sent the girls home.

I'm sorry, you did what?

I sent them home.

You sent the girls--

I was not aware of this, sir.

Shall I retrieve

the young ladies?

You damn right you should

retrieve the young ladies.

Colman, don't move.

Colman, move.

No.

Yes.

No.

Go.

Look, Kev, we need you to

focus, man.

We have our second meeting with

"Iron Man" tomorrow.

Do you understand what this can

mean to us?

Yes, yes.

We're talking sequels, Kev.

No, you're right.

You're 100% right.

You know what?

Colman, do me a favor.

Prepare me the same steak

he has, man.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, Kev.

What is going on?

How are you going to be Iron

Man with a Doughboy body?

Hm?

You're juicing.

I'm not juicing, man.

I want a damn steak,

and you know what?

Colman, you call Peaches

and Cream right now.

So you can sweat it off, sir?

They are quite athletic.

Oh, you give him a raise.

Now!

♪

Yeah, this is the fight

of the year, now.

Y'all get ready.

Matter of fact, yo,

I'll tell you what.

All y'all running your mouth,

put your money where your mouth

is.

Right here, come on.

Let me have it.

Oh, ain't no rent getting paid

by you.

Kiss it goodbye. Ha.

Hey.

Oh, you scared me!

Oh, yeah?

Does that mean I can't have

a kiss?

Mm.

Whoo.

Let me get some of this chicken.

What are you doing?

I got you.

You got me?

Oh.

That's what I'm talking about.

I told the fellas you weren't

going to be tripping about no

damn song.

Boy, please, I'm not even

thinking about that old song.

But they did tell me...

You could always make me

laugh, Kevin.

Okay.

I expected her to blow up

just now.

That's a big difference

right there.

I'm glad--

[explosion]

No, no!

[Kevin screaming]

Hey, Muja, try some of this

chicken, my brother.

That's good.

Yeah?

Let me keep it.

No, no, no, no, no.

It's cool.

You gotta get your own.

Told you the boys had you

read wrong.

The luckiest man in the world.

♪ I want you all baby

♪ Don't you know

♪ I've had enough

♪ Uh-oh

[no audio]

Make yourselves a plate, fellas.

♪

Whoo-ooh!

Unh, unh, unh, unh.

I trust your audition went

well, Mr. Stark.

Colman, "went well" is an

understatement.

I killed it, you hear me?

Nailed it, Colman.

Do you know how big this is?

To have a black superhero?

This is huge.

They already fit me for my arc

reactor.

Oh, quite impressive, sir.

Just don't fly away before

dinner.

What?

It's not real, man.

Apparently neither was my

attempt at sarcasm, sir.

I don't get it.

Yeah, well, when you're ready

to sit down and talk for real,

call us.

Until then, don't!

Dude, I think I really

killed that audition.

I know you killed it.

That was the studio on the

phone.

I'm sorry-- I'm sorry, what?

You was just yelling at the

studio like that?

Yeah.

They tried to lowball us, man.

I told them I had to be

executive producer.

If I'm not executive producer,

we're not doing it.

What did you say?

What did you just say just now?

What did--

What are you talking about?

Kev, I'm saving you money, man.

This is how you get the

production to pay for your

manager.

It's done all the time.

Dave Becky is my manager.

Ex-manager.

What?

I fired him this morning.

Look, Kev, we can take that 15%

and keep it in house!

Are you kidding me?

Look, I know you don't know what

to say right now, but you can

thank me later.

As a matter of fact, I'm going

to go fire the publicist

because I'm the one that got you

the cover of "Ebony."

We can take that five percent

and keep that in house!

We don't need these people.

Okay, it's time to get rid

of Duane.

Might as well keep that 90%

in house.

♪

Come on, man, let everybody

out.

God, you're just on my back

like that.

Yo, that's it, man.

One more person--

Oh.

What's up, baby?

You was about to get worked.

Oh, man.

Come on, man.

What's up with you?

Oh, about to check in, you

know, law low for a few days.

Bridgette tried to kill you,

didn't she?

How do you know?

She told you?

You was there.

Why didn't you tell me?

What you mean?

I did tell you.

You don't listen, that's

your problem.

Thought y'all was a couple of

freaks.

We wasn't no freak.

I was running for my damn life.

What'd she do, cut your brakes?

Hm-mm.

Glass in your cereal?

Mm.

Dynamite candle?

Yeah, she stole that one from

the Roadrunner.

And just like the Roadrunner,

she won't quit it.

I suggest you watch your back,

boy.

I ain't worried about it.

St. Louis, baby. I got this.

I heard that, all right.

Hey, what's up, Bridgette?

Ooh!

Meep meep!

That's not funny!

Mitch.

I didn't mention the Acme safe.

I didn't want to scare him.

Ahh!

Meep meep!

Okay.

Here we go.

Why am I here, Kevin?

Hey, Tish, listen.

I want to talk to you

about our situation.

Situation?

First of all, what you and

Duane have is special.

Let's just get that out the way.

Stop.

You trying to pass Shake

back on to me?

Tisha--

So now you want to get rid of

his sneaky, trifling,

interfering ass.

Well, guess what, Kevin.

The police called.

They found my kids.

What?

And I'm making his mama

babysit too.

I don't need his ass.

Okay, Tisha.

I don't need him.

Tisha, listen.

You need to come get him!

He's ruining my life.

My career is falling apart

because of him.

I see why your career fell off.

What?

At one point, you were the

top grossing female on

television.

And now that's gone.

I know why.

'Cause he's feeding you.

You got big.

And look at your-- Tisha.

Tisha.

Just for that, you can keep

his ass.

No, hell, no!

Listen to me!

Uh-uh.

No, negotiation's off the table!

Stop it, stop it!

Please!

What do you want?

I swear I'll get it.

Okay-- Wigs.

I'm talking about the good ones.

The ones like Beyoncé, not these

little cheap witness-protection

ones that you wear.

How about I make this little

singing dream of yours a

reality?

Put some good money into

that false career?

You can have it, Tisha.

Keep your money, Kevin Hart.

Please.

Tisha, whatever you want.

Anything?

Oh, God.

You want sex.

Oh, that was so good.

[man groaning]

That was amazing.

Mm, that's what we needed, baby.

Just some time alone

away from the kids.

Oh, I love you.

[crying]

Are you-- Are you crying again?

It's so good, Tisha.

Okay, okay, okay.

It's so good.

You wanna eat, babe?

Okay.

No, no, not that!

Not again.

I'm exhausted.

Are you kidding me?

Get away from me.

You rang, ma'am?

[sniffing]

I can, uh, I can smell

that you two made up.

Shut the hell up, Kevin.

Go make us some eggs

Benedict.

Yes.

And some fruit spritzers.

No one understands you when

you're like this, honey.

And some fruit spritzers, Kevin!

Yes.

With the Soda Stream, Kevin.

Okay.

You little mitch!

Yeah, he is a mitch.

Well, which one, Bridgette?

Look, girl, I'm not trying to

kill 'em.

I just want to give 'em--

give 'em the runs a little bit,

that's all.

Give 'em diarrhea, right?

Shut up, you laughing.

Hey, you really are a witch.

I'm dead serious.

So y'all gonna hook the cable up

tomorrow.

Thank you.

I was just about to get your

Soda Stream ready.

So, what I'm going to do is a

special little mix for you.

It's apple-mango

and orange-pineapple.

I call it my suicide mix.

[Soda Stream squirting]

Okay, so that's going to be

done.

And I got your eggs.

Ignore this green stuff on it.

That's just for flavor.

♪