Original subtitles

Previously on

"Real Husbands of Hollywood"...

[all arguing at once]

♪ This is the life

♪ Look at the life

♪ This is the city where we

♪ Party every night

♪ We do it big

♪ Diamonds and Gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

It was a beautiful day to

host a trunk show and who better

to invite than a bunch of

my sophisticated--

I need it!

Cut it out!

...stylish...

Give me the jacket!

Security!

Regina!

King!

...shopaholic girlfriends.

When are you gonna learn

you're not a 2 anymore?

Well, all the zeroes

were taken.

All in all, things couldn't

have been going better.

That is until...

Tisha Campbell-Martin?

Yes, may I help you?

Matt Keller, FBI.

You're under arrest for

real estate fraud

and tax evasion.

Oh, wait, no!

You have the right

to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be

used against you in

a court of law.

You have a right to an attorney.

I am her attorney.

What is going on here?

If you don't back up,

I got a pair of these

for you too.

Oh, is that a threat?

Is there

a problem here, officer?

Yeah.

That dress is too small.

Ooh, mall cop got a mouth!

You need you calm down

and you need to back off.

You ain't my white daddy.

You don't tell me what to do.

I play a DA on TV, okay?

I don't know if you recognize me

or not.

She is very good!

But you need a warrant

for this.

We have a warrant.

I played an attorney four

seasons, I'll check this out.

I'm an actual attorney

right now, so I'll look at it.

Thank you.

Listen to me.

I have played a DA as well

and I know for a fact that it is

unlegal to walk into a woman's

trunk show--

Yes!

...and arrest her.

Settle down and back up.

Ah!

Whoo!

She busted him dead in his eye!

That is it.

You are all under arrest.

Let's go.

[all shouting at once]

Ooh...

Did he just knock my $125,000

limited edition crocodile

Birkin bag,

that was given to me by

Leonardo DiCaprio, on the floor?

Ha, oh, it is on!

Ooh!

Oh!

Actress Tisha Campbell-Martin

and five unidentified women have

been arrested today at STUV

restaurant in Hollywood.

Now this is all stemming from an

ongoing investigation into

the church of the BUTIFUL,

headed up by model/actor

turned spiritual

guru Boris Cujo--

Kodjoe!

Kodjoe.

And financial advisor

Duane Martin.

Now according to authorities--

What did Duane do?

...Kodjoe has left

the country and Martin is

unavailable for comment.

What kind of moonshine were

you serving, Tisha?

No.

I'm not taking responsibility

for that.

Learn how to hold your liquor,

Lindsay Lohan.

So what did Boris say?

Not much of anything.

He's on a silent retreat

in Tibet.

Now that's the stupidest

[beep] I ever heard.

What kind of grown-ass man goes

to summer camp and doesn't--

I am so tired of hearing her

big-ass mouth.

Can we please send her to Tibet?

How much you want to-bet

I will knock you in your

damn mouth?

Get outta my face!

You don't tell me what to do!

[frightened yipping]

What the [beep] is that?

Sorry, that's just the sound

I make when I get nervous.

Well, stop it, Lassie,

'cause you're making us all

nervous now.

All right, stop, stop, stop.

Everybody.

Let's just please figure out how

to get the hell up out of here.

Now who hasn't made their

phone call yet?

Her.

Oh.

No.

No, no, no.

Uh-uh.

I would rather rot in jail than

have this end my career.

Look here, Trina Shawshank,

if you hadn't clocked that

federal agent, none of us would

be up in here,

so this is your fault.

No!

Do you remember why I clocked

the federal agent?

Because if it was not for you,

Mrs. Duane Shaky

Real Estate Martin,

none of us would be in here.

You know what, Tisha, she got

a point.

And I ain't seen you make 'er

a phone call since we been

up in here.

Why don't you call Duaney to

get us out of here?

Because if I call him, Imma

kill him and then I'm gonna be

up in here for murder.

And I am a classy lady.

Either you make the call--

Or what?

Grab her dress!

I got it!

[frightened yipping]

Babe!

Hey... I can't hear you.

Hey.

Babe!

Hey, babe.

Where have you been?

I got here as soon as

I could.

Why am I even in jail, Duane?

I don't know!

Somebody set you up!

Duane, you know something,

I will come through, I will come

through that glass,

I swear to God.

Okay.

You're gonna think this is

crazy, right?

Tell me something.

So, so, so somehow, like,

your signature ended up on

a document involved with

the real estate shelter deal at

Boris' church.

What!

What-what-what!

Crazy, right?

But I got it all under control

and I called Trina and as soon

as Trina calls me back, we're

going to get you out of here.

Trina's in here with me,

you dumbass!

What!

Get me out of here, Duane!

I miss my babies!

The kids are fine.

[sputtering] I'm talking

about my weaves!

Someone needs to care for them

and water them and sing to them.

Who's going to

take care of Yonce?

Yonce is a Malaysian Indian

and Euro and she is

very sensitive.

Look at me.

Breathe.

I just need to get out of

here, baby.

I know.

But... they froze our accounts.

Oh my God!

But baby, I called a friend.

Who?

You called Will?

Yes.

The Smiths, they make

everything better.

Well, it's not Big Willie,

but he is from Philly.

Who?

Oh hell no!

[laughing] Hey, Tisha.

Looks like your worst nightmare

just came true.

You gonna owe Kevin Hart,

you hear me?

I will never owe Kevin Hart

[beep]!

See that?

That's why you in there looking

all crazy now.

Look like you been drinking

a bunch of punch!

That's what it look like.

And they whooping your ass,

ain't they?

It's 'cause of your mouth.

Ain't nothing a few years in

the ol' big house

won't straighten up.

Oh, Tisha, real quick.

Speaking of straighten,

you might as well kiss that

perm goodbye.

In there looking like

James Brown mugshot.

[laughing]

I wouldn't.

Why not, she behind there!?

What she gonna do,

come through glass?

♪ Ow

♪ She don't look good

[laughing]

♪ Tisha look crazy

♪ Ow ♪

Oh [beep].

You gonna learn today!

Help me kill 'em!

Help me kill 'em, Duane!

You know, I was gonna bail

you out, but now you know what?

You and all your little ratchet

friends can spend a weekend

in county!

Have fun, Tisha!

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait.

Kevin, you gonna let the mother

of your children, two exes

and your lawyer

go to jail because

you hate me?

Really, Kevin?

Well, how much would it be

for me to pay y'all to get her

out of here faster?

No!

Oh God, I hate you,

Kevin Hart!

Imma kill both of y'all!

Tisha!

I'll wait for you!

I don't understand.

Where are they taking us?

They're taking us to county.

No!

No, no, no.

There must be a mistake.

My husband is on his way.

Tell him the purse is in

the freezer!

Look, it's too late.

The court's just closed for

the holiday weekend.

He'll get you on Tuesday.

Let's go.

♪ Oh my Lord,

♪ Lord, Lord, Lord

[resigned yipping] ♪ Oh Lord

♪ Oh Lord

♪ Lord take me now

♪ We can handle that

♪ Handle that

♪ We can handle that

♪ Handle that

♪ Unh flow untouchable

♪ You ain't got the dough

♪ So them --

♪ Is out the question ♪

Oh!

Inside the joint, the walls

begin to close on you fast

and you have to

think quick to stay alive.

And the only way for me

to survive is to do what I do

with Duane at home.

Kick ass now

and take names later.

The others?

Pssh.

Well.

They had their own ideas.

All right, Trina, look.

I know you got your legal

degrees and all of that,

but Imma teach you how to

survive in this iron city.

First of all, stay away

from Bridgette.

Why?

She's a client.

No.

She's a snitch.

Don't hate the rat just

'cause you ain't got no cheese.

Did you save me those

frijoles, huh?

They're for me.

Taste like [beep].

What's up, Nadine?

What--

Don't call me "Nadine."

What the hell?

My name is

"Little Puppet" now.

Oh, Little Puppet, huh?

Oh, that's good 'cause [beep],

I pull strings.

What.

I'm watching you, Pam.

[prisoners laughing]

Oh, that's funny, huh?

It's funny?

Come here.

Let me holler at you for

a second.

Come on.

Keep it up here and I'm going to

tell your little chicas over

there your ass went to

private school.

In the short time we've been

incarcerated, I've learned there

are three things that can get

you killed in prison.

Stealing somebody's food,

stealing somebody's woman

and admitting you went to

a French Immersion School.

Parlez-vous francais?

Oui!

Please no.

Please, s'il vous plait.

Don't tell them, please.

I'll [beep] your [beep].

Get your ass away from me.

Regina!

You better stop stealing or

somebody is gonna kill your ass.

I am good.

I have never been caught.

Except today.

Give me my phone.

Give me my [beep] damn phone.

I don't even know how you

did it, but give me my

[beep] damn phone.

I saw you.

Give me my phone, Regina.

You dropped it.

I didn't drop nothing.

Look, your ass really should be

in here.

Thieving ass Regina.

King.

Tisha thinks I was trying to

steal her phone.

I wasn't going for her phone.

I was going for her wallet.

Mm.

A "Martin" residual.

Just stick with me,

Trina, okay?

And we'll get through

this together.

Hey, Shaw, you got my [beep]?

Yeah.

Is that what I'm known for?

Getting [beep]?

Here's your wig glue.

Now where's my Cup O'Noodle?

I said chicken, [beep].

Ow!

The price just doubled.

Now if you don't get back here

with my Cup O'Noodle in

the proper flavor,

then your habeas corpus

is gonna be all up in that cup.

You got me?

Get moving.

Who are you?

I'm the HBIC.

Don't let the Ivy League

degrees fool you.

I represented Mystikal, DMX, TI

and Tiny.

I am well versed in

prison economics.

And in case you don't know what

you looking at, this is what

a million dollars looks like on

the inside.

Nicole!

Stay away from Tina.

Her ass is cr--

Where'd you get

that Twinkie from?

Oh, from my new

friend Twinkie.

Who--

He's very nice.

Ooh, Nicole, I told you!

Don't accept gifts from nobody

in here!

Why?

You're Twinkie's [beep] now.

A Twinkie for Twinkie.

Mm.

♪ Love ya' ♪

♪ Oh I wanna...

Nicole, no.

It's just a Twinkie.

No, Nicole, you don't get it.

Mellow Yellow.

Grab my pocket.

What?

I said grab it!

[mouthing silently]

What am I supposed to do?

[mouthing silently]

All right, I'll figure

something out.

You make me sick!

I'm always saving you.

You know what, no.

I'm not doing it.

You better go ahead.

Well, the truth is, I figured

I'd teach her a lesson and let

Twinkie keep her dumb ass for

a few hours, but never in

a million years did I expect

what was about to happen.

♪

Can I have

everybody's attention?

We got an announcement to make.

I want the queen,

not the king.

Make me this little outfit.

Hey!

Shut the [beep] up and listen!

Tonight, me and Mellow Yellow

getting married.

What?

No!

And we would like to invite

you to the engagement party

right now!

[all cheering]

Congratulations.

Now you got a husband on

the inside and the outside!

Hey!

I don't know how she does it.

She's getting married for

the second time and I'm trying

to get married for the first.

And I'm telling you right now

I am feeling blue and pink,

which means I see babies in

your future.

Oh my.

Don't [beep] it up and sign

a prenup, though.

You want to get all of that

money at the end.

Are all of you crazy?

You're just as nutty as

this one.

Come here, Nicole.

Let me holler at you.

What?

Have you lost your mind?

Are you really getting married?

Tisha, we are gonna be in

here for a while and I don't

really do the dating scene

too well.

I have to be in a committed

relationship at all times.

To this woman?

That's a woman?

Where do you think you are?

I thought this was

a co-ed facility?

Right, like in my dorm

at college.

Besides, she has hair on her ass

and everything.

Nicole, how do you know this?

Because I took a shower

with her.

Ooh.

Did you not see the front?

Well.

You know what?

It don't even matter 'cause love

is love.

She got a point there.

I agree.

Love is love, but you're already

married, Nicole.

I don't know how long Boris

is going to hold out.

You know, I gotta get you out

of here.

I gotta get you out of this.

Fine.

But I'm not giving back

the ring.

Ooh.

Girl, you came up.

Bridgette.

It's made out of hair.

It's a nappy engagement ring.

You don't even know where that

came from!

Ew.

Oh.

But it's the thought

that counts.

We got a problem over here?

Yeah, I got a problem.

I got a problem with you trying

to marry my girl.

Your girl?

You better step back, homie.

She belong to me.

Look at her.

She's pressing her balls up

against her.

That's a lot of woman.

What?

Oh!

Oh, that's what I thought.

When I get back from my

honeymoon on D block, I'm going

to make you my side [beep].

[all] Ooh...

Girl, you about to get

beat down.

After I beat Twinkie's ass,

I'm gonna beat Nicole's ass.

I can't believe she let herself

get tricked into this marriage.

Well, believe it, T.

Because now the trick is on you.

You see, Tisha can't resist

being everybody's big sister.

Plus, she likes to fight.

So I knew she couldn't resist

saving me from a bad marriage.

But I told her, "One day,

"I'm gonna pay you back for

putting pee pee on me."

I told you.

Oh!

I got pee on me!

No!

I don't do pee pee!

Well, guess what.

That day is here.

Enjoy your Twinkie.

You want some of this?

Then bring it.

Oh yeah, I got you.

Bring it, bring it, bring it.

Oh, a dance off?

Yeah, what's up, what's up?

We gonna dance, okay!?

This is New Jersey, baby.

You don't know nothing about it.

Bring it, Jersey.

Bring it, Jersey, then come on!

Come on... [screaming] oh, oh!

No...

Stop running!

[high-pitched shrieking]

What kind of soft-ass

sponge cake is this?

I'm not a gangster.

What?

I'm just a grad student with

parking tickets.

So this tough girl act is

just some bull [beep]?

Well, yeah.

I got it all from watching

"Orange is the New Black."

Oh, I love that show.

Yeah, it's better than

"Game of Thrones."

It's brilliant.

It's a brilliant show.

Girl, you gonna tell me you

watch that show?

That's my show.

But-- Nicole.

Who else is in here faking

an orange?

Damn, everybody?

I'm so scared.

♪ I just wanna have

♪ Some fun some fun

♪ I just wanna have some fun

♪ I'm talking about

♪ Hanging out-- ♪

Arriba!

Let's talk about this, uh,

$15--

14.99.

14.99 check forgery.

Bonjour!

Bonjour.

Bonjour. ♪ Amazing grace... ♪

♪ Amazing grace... ♪

Pop it, pop it,

pop it, pop it,

pop it!

All right, ladies.

It's Tuesday morning.

The slumber party's over.

Out you go.

Get out!

You can stay.

Everybody else, let's go.

Told you I would wait for

you, baby.

[in high pitch] Welcome home!

Welcome home!

[laughing]

♪ Yeah, yeah

Give me Yonce.

♪ Oh now hey

♪ All you can

♪ Like the walk

♪ I talk my supermodel walk

♪ You better wipe

♪ Them tears away--

Like I was saying, it was

a beautiful day to do some time

with my ratchet thieving

alcoholic down-ass girlfriends.

And Yonce.

In my foreign whip ♪

♪ We all out of town

♪ Roll in on the strip, yeah

♪ Big girls never cry

♪ We just get

♪ Money money

♪ Get at your boyfriend

♪ Let him call me honey

♪ Now he wanna see me

♪ In my foreign whip

♪ We all outta town

♪ Roll in on the strip

♪ 'Cause the cleaner ran

♪ Out of patience

♪ We outta town, ah

♪ Keep you updated ♪

[heart beating]

♪

[metal clanking] ♪