Original subtitles

Previously on "Real Husbands

of Hollywood"...

Look, Kev, we've been dating.

To Bridgette and Nelly.

May he love you better

than I ever did.

My God, you're beautiful.

Yeah, I know.

It would be a sin to not use

your beauty to spread the word.

As we pass along the plate

of generosity-- cash only.

Ain't no ATM in heaven.

Oh!

Hey, babe.

Did you just smack my ex-wife

on her pumped ass?

Mother--

Oh!

♪ This is the life

♪ Look at the life

♪ This is the city

♪ Where we party every night

♪ Party every night

♪ We do it big

♪ Diamonds and gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ [hip-hop music]

Yeah, watch this stuff.

Ooh, kill 'em.

Ooh.

We're over here, Kevin.

KJ! What's up, man?

You look good, boy.

♪

What the hell is Nelly doing

here?

Why is my son dressed

like a St. Looney Tune?

Uh, the real question is why

are you in those Philly colors?

76ers haven't been good since

'76.

Good one.

Hey, look, that's neither

here nor there, he should be

dressed in his dad's favorite

team's colors.

But, Daddy, that's

basketball.

And we're here to sign him

up for baseball, fool.

What?

Baseball.

Let me talk to you for a

second.

Come here, boy.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I could

have swore that you called me

out here to sign him up for

Little League B-ball.

Everybody knows that B-ball

stands for basketball.

Actually, Kevin, B-ball can

stand for baseball too.

I'm not rapping to you.

You know what, Kevin?

You're just confused 'cause

they both have "B"s.

No, I'm confused at the two

"B"s standing in front of me.

Ah, come on.

Come on, Kevin.

KJ wants to play baseball.

It's the national pastime.

Man, what's wrong with that?

Just like you?

Past your time?

That is so disrespectful.

Don't worry about it.

Daddy, Nelly said I can be

the next Matt Holliday.

Okay, son, come here.

He's not even black, all right?

Kevin, why don't you just

shut your little ass up?

What you're doing is you're

embarrassing us in front of all

of these white people out here.

That's not how we do.

No, what's embarrassing is

you coming out here wearing

Eddie Murphy's pants from

"Delirious."

Don't be mad.

I know how to keep my man, and

all these women who are

listening in on this

conversation can take a hint!

Okay, here's the point.

Everybody knows that my son

wants to be in the NBA,

want to be a little NBA point

guard ever since I put him

inside you.

No, I thought you was an NBA

point guard when I let you up

inside of me, acting like "Stud"

Webb, looking more like Nate

Hobbit, son.

That's the last time I let a

little no-count Negro have my

number at the all-star game.

That was a snake move you did.

Hey, hey, we both thought I

was going to the league-- both.

Wait, what are y'all looking at?

What are y'all looking at?

You're up in our business!

We're talking over here!

It's black people problems!

You know what?

Just let it go!

I'm signing him up for

baseball-- come on, KJ.

You ain't signing my seed up

for no baseball!

That's my seed!

Wow, this is-- this is

awesome.

Hey, hey, look, Kevin.

I know KJ's your son and all

that, man, but if he wants to

play baseball, I can teach him

how to play the right way.

I got you.

I'm about to teach you how to

dodge a ball the right way.

[groans]

♪

[laughing]

♪ [upbeat music]

When I saw Boris preaching at

Pastor Blood's church, I thought

he was good, but he wasn't ready

for the big time...

until he healed

crazy-ass Regina.

Oh, God!

Ever since then, offers have

been pouring in for him to

speak at churches everywhere,

from First AME

to the Sistine Chapel.

So you know me.

I made Boris an offer that he

couldn't refuse.

I want you to imagine it's

Sunday, and this place is packed

with fools, okay?

I mean, followers, right?

And what are they following?

They're following you, B.

And when they're finished

praising you, guess what

they're gonna be buying?

Our caps, T-shirts, onesies.

This is a can't-miss business

opportunity.

I mean, blessed opportunity,

Boris.

What do you think?

Nah, this is crazy.

I'm checking out.

But think about your flock.

I'm thinking about my flock.

You're thinking about your

pockets.

No, I'm thinking about the

Word, Boris, okay?

I was blind, and you opened

my eyes.

I didn't land on Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ landed on me,

Boris.

Yeah, my church is gonna be

non-denominational.

That's fine.

And who's gonna pay for all

of this anyway?

He will provide, Boris,

and you should know that.

Now, let me show you something.

This is a built-in tithing

machine.

[register beeping]

See?

John 3:16.

♪

"For God so loved the world,

that He gave his only begotten

son, that who so ever believeth

in Him shall not perish,

but have everlasting life."

John 3:16, Duane.

[exhales sharply]

Wow.

Boris.

You just made me a believer,

man.

Now, you know, if you can make

a believer out of me, that's

gotta be a sign, man.

Yes, yes, yes.

Tell me you're in.

If I can convert you...

I can convert the world.

♪

Thank you, Jesus.

Hallelujah!

Whoo! [laughs]

Good thing I remembered

that scripture.

Finally, that one day in Sunday

School paid off.

♪ [upbeat music]

Yo, so listen.

So I go to the park, right?

Of course, in my mind, I'm

thinking I'm going there for

my little son and his little

basketball tournament.

Instead, who do I find?

Nelly, a.k.a. Steroid Dude.

He's there signing my son up

for baseball.

Well, you know, Nelly was

drafted by the Cardinals,

right?

Yep.

Mm, same way you were drafted

by the Knicks?

Look, Kev, don't hate.

You're just mad because I did

the Garden before you.

Wow.

The weird thing is I have proof

about mine, what about you?

Ticket sales! Burn!

It doesn't even matter, man.

He needs to draft himself a son.

How about that?

Leave my damn son alone, dude.

I'm starting to get mad.

Kevin, look, we're all

children of the Almighty.

We're part of the same family.

No need to get angry.

Boris, real quick, in the

Bible, what does it say in

chapter three,

verse shut-the-[bleep]-up?

Really?

Please.

God, he's just killing me, man,

with all these Jesus quotes.

Let me ask you a question,

Boris-- if Jesus loved you,

why didn't he tell you to get

the rest of your mustache?

Must--

Yeah, your mustache.

What did Jesus do with that?

Look, Kev, this is not

"Ransom," okay?

This is not

"Give me back my son!"

[doorbell rings]

It's funny to y'all because

it's not your kid.

Is somebody coming over to my

house for y'all?

He's worried he's getting his

son taken.

Now, see, would you react

the same way if it was your son,

Duane?

That's what makes me laugh.

Speaking of the damn devil.

Yo, yo! What up, baby?

Nells, what up?

I'm good--

Sorry I'm late.

Game went into extra innings.

Oh, you went to the Dodger

game?

Yeah, man, Cardinals got in

that ass!

And my man KJ had a great time.

That's mighty nice of you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You took my son to his first

baseball game?

Well, not actually his first

baseball game.

We went to one last week.

Yo, he enjoyed it.

Boy caught a foul ball.

Only taught him one time.

He's dope.

Whoa. Whoa!

You got a good kid there.

Stop it, stop it.

You taught my son how to catch?

Yeah, balls and girls.

[laughter]

Teach him how to hit next week

too.

Teach him how to hit.

He's gonna teach him how to hit

next week.

Maybe-- maybe-- maybe you can

teach him how to hit like this!

Oh, strike one.

Yeah, was it?

What are you doing?

It's not worth it, man.

Okay, okay, okay!

Maybe I need to calm down.

I will!

You son--

Olé!

Oh, oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, Kev!

[groaning]

I'm all right!

You sure?

Yeah, a pigeon broke my fall!

All right, good.

Mother[bleep] fell over

another ledge?

Hurry up, man.

Come on.

Watch yourself, watch yourself.

All right, son.

Daddy is about to show you how

to hit a pitch.

But what happened to Uncle

Nelly?

Hey, I said hit a pitch,

not a mitch.

That's your problem, son.

You don't listen.

Pay attention.

Little secret.

The bigger the bat, that's how

you hit your home runs...

in baseball and in love.

That's what I did to your

mother.

You were a double.

If you had been a little bit

taller, you'd have been a home

run.

I got a Charley horse.

♪ [upbeat music]

All right, son.

I'm a little loose now.

That's how you warm up.

That's how all the pros actually

warm up.

But Daddy, you missed every

ball.

I missed every ball on

purpose because I'm warming up.

I gotta get my shoulders loose.

Now, I'm about to speed this

thing up.

Turn it up to about 95.

Watch what happens now.

But Daddy!

Uncle Nelly said you have to

wear a batting helmet.

Hey, let me tell you

something.

Batting helmets are for batters

who swing both ways...

like your aunt Nelly.

Pay attention, boy.

♪

[groaning]

These things are going-- oh.

Hold on! Hey!

Son!

I told you.

Oh! Ahh!

Oh! God! God!

♪

And can I get a witness?

Remember-- through love and

kindness, we learn that there

are no plateaus, only higher

peaks, and that we must embrace

that power.

Don't leave before the miracle,

brother.

[chuckles]

Bad hair day.

That energy and opportunity

to achieve grace on Earth...

because life is beautiful.

Now, go in peace,

my brothers and sisters.

Amen.

[laughs]

All right, see you next week.

All right, Bruce.

All right, everybody.

We got these T-shirts and

souvenir mugs!

[chuckles]

We got-- we got sweatsuits.

They're breakaway.

So that went well.

[laughs mockingly]

We got a few converts.

What do you think?

I think if Jesus had a

turnout like this, our money

would say, "In Satan We Trust."

Look, I told you we're

non-denominational.

Well, apparently, we're

non-donation-al too, Boris.

Look.

That's all we got, okay?

You were talking for 90 minutes,

and not once did you push the

T-shirts, the wristbands, or the

mugs, or the bobbleheads.

This is what this is all about,

Boris, and you know what?

Not once did you mention the

finger.

And what's with this free

communion, Boris?

We agreed that no communion

ticket, no communion.

This is not happy hour, Boris.

Okay, look, look, look.

You gotta have some faith in me.

Boris, I have a lot of faith.

I have a lot of faith that this

is not gonna work out for us,

man.

I'm working hard here.

Don't throw in the towel just

yet.

Oh, now you want to mention

the towels, huh?

Here they are.

You want the towels?

There's the towels, Boris.

Duane, this is not about the

money.

Oh, well, you know, I already

know that, Boris.

I know you're not about

the money.

Everybody knows that about you

because there's no way you did

the gospel for the money.

[laughs]

Look, it's our mission to awake

the-- the sleeping inner giant,

to help people realize their--

their spiritual potential, all

right?

It's not about the towel.

It's not about the bobblehead.

It's not-- it's not about--

it's not about the T-shirts.

What is this? Feminine wash?

Are you kidding me?

It's not about material

possessions.

I don't need any of it.

I don't need any of this.

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

Hey, man, you ain't gotta

throw the jersey.

[screaming]

In Boris we trust.

Ha!

♪ [upbeat music]

Son, spread your hands apart.

That's too close.

Yeah, a little further.

Can you put them a little

further than that?

There you go.

Uncle Nelly said I have to

put my hands together.

Nelly don't know what he's

talking about--

Put your hands together, KJ.

You're doing it right.

First of all, what are you

doing here, man?

KJ texted me.

He said he needed some help.

That's a lie.

KJ can't text you 'cause KJ's

not allowed to have a phone.

Uncle Nelly gave me one,

Daddy.

Nelly what?

He gave me one.

You gave my son a phone, man?

I mean, technically,

I didn't-- it was father-son

day at Dodger Stadium.

They were giving out free

phones, so if you wanna be mad,

be mad at Magic.

You got the phone on you,

son?

Yes, sir.

Let Daddy see it.

It's just a phone, Kevin.

This is it right here?

Step over there.

No, no, no, no, no--

Son, you better sit down.

Kevin, don't hit his phone,

Kevin.

Wait, Kev, what are you--

Strike two.

First of all, strike one,

so learn your strikes.

No, no, that shirt was strike

one.

You don't-- you don't

understand respect.

I'm just trying to help.

No, you're not trying to

help.

I'm gonna show you what your

help gets you.

Yo-- yo, Kev.

Dude, can you please hush?

No, but what I'm about to

tell you--

Let me discipline my son,

please.

Fine, stand back, KJ.

[laughs]

Hey, son, was that a fair or

a foul ball, hm?

Go ahead, make the call.

That's right, you can't 'cause

you don't have a phone, do you?

[laughs]

Daddy?

Yes, son.

That was your phone.

[laughs]

What you-- oh.

I knew that was my phone.

I was just trying to teach the

boy a lesson--

always have two phones.

Anybody got some D batteries?

♪

Okay, Boris, just come on.

Slow down, slow down, Duane.

Nah, this is gonna be great.

I got you covered, man.

You gotta trust me on this, B.

Okay, you can take it off now.

What?

♪

Holy [bleep].

[laughs]

I knew you would love it, Boris!

No, that's not what I meant.

I made a deal with God, not with

"Playgirl."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You have a deal with Google.

Listen, every time the letter

"B" is searched, these babies

pop up.

I don't want them to pop up!

I want them to disappear!

This is not good.

Don't you get it?

The symbolism of it all?

Your body is a temple, Boris.

[snorts]

The only symbol I care about

is...

Dollar sign!

B, B, B.

Come on, man, listen.

I believed in you, right?

So now, I need you to believe

in me at this point.

I want to believe in you, but

I can't.

Look at the pictures.

I can't be naked in a church.

It's wrong.

Yes, you can.

Thank you so much.

Great.

Hey, everybody!

It's time to open for business!

No, wait a minute.

Wait a-- wait a minute.

What is--

What do you think?

[screaming]

And it's only Tuesday!

I'm in.

Ha, ha!

And I'm in too.

Whoo!

♪ I make it rain on myself

♪ I make it, I make it

♪ I make it rain on myself ♪

♪ [upbeat music]

Nice catch, third base.

You ain't gonna make it to the

league like that, though.

Hey.

What, you killing raccoons now?

I'm about to kill a rat right

now.

Attitude.

That's your problem. Hey!

Hey, Daddy!

What's up, man?

Aw, blow it up.

Mm, put a chain on it.

Pad the--

I'll teach you the rest later.

I got something for you.

Really? What is it, Dad?

Aw, it's a special glove.

This belonged to your daddy when

he played Little League

baseball.

I thought you hated baseball.

Only at nighttime.

During the daytime, I love it.

I went and got it signed by

Eric Davis.

That's a legendary pitcher.

Where did you get that glove

from, Kevin, the secondhand

store?

Same place you got that wig

from.

You know what? I will ball

your face up.

Oh, my God, don't talk to me

without gum.

Take your bad breath,

and throw it away.

Thanks, Daddy.

You talk to your son.

Thanks, Daddy, it's awesome.

I knew you would love it.

Speaking of awesome-- hey,

baby.

Hey, hey, how you doing?

Uncle Nelly.

I didn't think you were gonna

come.

Yeah, neither did I 'cause I

told you not to.

Well, I did, okay?

Well, you shouldn't have.

I would never miss your day,

man, and I brought my good

friend Mr. Eric Davis.

How you doing, KJ?

Eric Davis?

My dad just gave me your

autographed glove,

and now you're here!

He said you were one of the

best pitchers ever.

Pitcher?

I was no pitcher, I was an

outfielder.

Son, I said the picture--

I said I got a picture of--

No, you said he was a

pitcher, like throw.

I'm talking to my son.

Talk to him.

I'm talking to my seed.

Don't lie, though.

Let me see this glove.

No, no, no, you don't need

to-- look at this one.

Look at this glove.

Come on, come on, back up.

Kev, that's not my signature.

What?

There's no "O" in Eric.

What's wrong with your boy,

Nelly?

Now wait a minute.

I'm not crazy.

That wasn't you at Starbucks?

No.

Iced whipped frappe.

No.

♪ [upbeat music]

Hey, I want you guys to be on

the lookout for our BUTIFUL

Vodka.

We're dropping it this Easter.

Boris?

Yes.

Sign my temple.

Your... temple!

Yes, of course I will sign

your temple.

What are you doing?

I'm just communing with my

flock.

That's a flock of [bleep],

Boris, you're killing

our bottom line.

Are you suggesting I charge

for my signature?

Of course, man.

You know, it costs to get into

the kingdom.

Are you out of your mind?

Yes, I'm out of my mind.

That'll be $50 for the

signature, ma'am.

Okay.

What?

It doesn't seem right, Duane.

I can't do that.

You know what, Boris?

I like the way you think!

[laughs]

That'll be $100 for the

signature, ma'am.

Okay.

Do you take EBT cards?

Of course we take EBT.

We take American Express, Visa.

We even take the RushCard.

Uncle Russell.

[chuckles]

He will love this.

[chuckles]

Here you go.

Boris, do you understand what's

going on here?

You stick with me, and I will

make you the first prophet to

make a profit, hm?

Now sign her.

♪ [upbeat music]

Boo, boo, boo!

He's on your team.

Give me a K! Give me a J!

That's my baby, he gonna hit it

anyway!

You got it, KJ!

Show that boy how it's done!

Come on, KJ, take your time!

Put your elbow up!

No, KJ, put your elbow down

like I told you.

Come on now, bend your knees!

No, KJ, stand straight up.

Baby, tuck your shirt in!

[both] Don't tuck that shirt

in!

Yeah, he looks sloppy!

Wait for your pitch!

No, you don't wait for the

pitch, you anticipate it.

Whoa!

Oh, hell no!

That's my son!

Get the hell out of the way!

Move it! Move it!

Mama's coming, baby!

Move it!

Hey, you little steroid baby!

That's my boy you're throwing.

That's my boy.

That's my kid.

That is my kid.

Did he hurt you?

Mom! Stop! I'm okay.

That's my kid!

Hey!

[both] Damn!

Well, that's my kid, and I'm

gonna beat the [bleep] out of

whichever one of you is the

father.

Who's the father?

[both] It's his kid.

Look at him.

You just said it was your

kid.

Kevin!

Look at him.

Damn!

You better stop.

That ain't my kid, man.

Please, look at her,

and look at me.

Does it look like I would sleep

with her?

Come on, man.

I can do better than that.

Would you sleep with somebody

with that wig?

Ooh!

Yes.

Right... Juice Lee?

Pretty much what you were gonna do, right?