Original subtitles

Previously on

"Real Husbands of Hollywood".

Nick Cannon for

Beverly Hills mayor.

I would love it if you hosted

my fundraiser.

Yes.

Wayne and I started dating

about a year ago.

In doing so, I violated

one of my cardinal rules.

Never date a game show host.

You can forget about me

endorsing you as mayor.

Unless you running for the mayor

of the crack of my ass.

* This is the life

♪ This is the life

♪ Look at the life

♪ This is the city where we

♪ Party every night

♪ We do it big

♪ Diamonds and gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪

First and foremost, I would

like to thank the LGBT

Political Freedom committee

And its chairman,

Mr. George Takei.

(cheering and applause)

I wanna say thank you for your

support for my upcoming

fundraiser and my campaign for

the mayor of Beverly Hills.

We're all in this together,

brother-- After all,

gay is the new black.

Uh... no, no, black's

the same old black.

Uh, and speaking of the same old

black, give it up for your host,

black-ass Kevin Hart.

(cheering and applause)

Imagine my surprise when

Kevin contributed $25,000

to my campaign and agreed

to host the fundraiser.

All of this after he swore to

never support me running

for anything.

He's a good guy.

Why you got

so many microphones?

You got these all up high.

How am I supposed to talk

like that?

You don't need this many.

All right, all right.

Stop it, mindless sheep.

(crowd gasping)

Nick...

I'm not doing your

little stupid fundraiser

on Saturday.

(crowd groaning)

Bomb, dropped it,

boom.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

It's not gonna happen, man.

I cut a check just to come all

the way down here to say that

to your face.

Hey, I stopped that (bleep),

though, didn't I?

(laughing)

Just like I'm about to stop

payment on this whole

endorsement.

(crowd jeering)

Jackie, box!

♪

Whoo!

(crowd jeering)

(boom box blasting music)

(crowd booing)

Oh, okay, you wanna boo me?

Yo, then... boo this.

This for you!

For you!

I've got two words for you,

Kevin Hart:

manscape.

So now I don't have Kevin

or the 25 grand.

Wonder if Mariah would come

out and support me.

I'm already supporting him.

♪

Look at this, they got

your ass trending worldwide.

(laughing)

(doorbell chiming)

Oh, you need to manscape

your ass, man.

You need to manscape.

Unh-unh.

For real, man,

this is nasty (bleep).

Braid it.

Here's your dry-cleaning,

Mr. Hart.

Oh, thank you, man.

What the hell y'all

do to my shirt?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you wanted your

clothes... fringed.

I must be sick in the head.

Sick in the head?

What the hell does that--

What's that supposed to mean,

Jackie?

Look what he did to my shirt.

Damn.

Look like Wolverine grabbed

me just now.

Hey, hey-hey!

Hey, push the button, man.

Don't you let it go down!

Hold on!

Darn it, mother--

Come on, Kev.

No, I-- no!

♪

Move on into...

Russell, Russell.

What's up?

Dude, I've been calling

you all day.

You hear the phone ring?

I didn't hear anything.

I didn't hear the phone ring.

What you mean, you didn't

hear the phone.

Russell, you ain't deaf... jam.

(laughing)

You stupid.

You stupid knowing I'm stupid.

Kev, Kev, I can't (bleep)

right now, I'm busy, man.

Hold on, let me get this

straight.

So you're telling me that

you're too busy to deal with

the hottest thing in Hollywood

right now.

Let me just do what

I'm doing, I'm with my agent

right now...

Your agent?

Yeah, we're having a meeting.

Oh, my timing couldn't

be better.

I got a pitch, I'm gonna drop it

on you right now.

Here's the bomb, boom,

it's about to blow up.

"Krush Groove", Part Two,

Russell's Revenge.

Ask me who's gonna play Russell?

Stop-- me.

Sold already, but I'm gonna

keep going.

Listen, guess who I got

to play Run?

Kendrick Lamar.

Course, he gonna cut

the hair off, box don't work.

And it ain't a good grade.

I told you, that grade

ain't good.

Yeezy, we got him coming in

to be Jam Master Jay.

Wow.

That's gonna be crazy.

Rihanna, she's gonna

be Sheila E.

♪ Bad (bleep) on deck

♪ Let me get low

(laughing)

Best part, Rick Ross gonna play

all the Fat Boys.

All of them!

That mean you only gotta cast

one-- Lunch Box.

That's what he's going by

in the movie.

Yeah, Kev, it sounds like

a great idea.

It could probably make millions,

no doubt, uh, only problem is

I don't wanna work with you.

Why?

I guess that makes me

sick in the head, right?

What is with all this

sick in the head stuff, man?

Is everybody in here

sick in the head?

Yes!

Oh.

Let me sit my ass...

Okay, sit down for a second.

No, don't sit, don't sit.

I'm glad he left.

Look, you don't--

Look, Kev, Kev.

You don't get it.

What don't I get, Russell?

You done pissed everybody

off, man.

What are you talking about?>

The rainbow community, man.

You know what, Russell?

Go tell Jesse Jackson, I don't

give a (bleep) about them.

I don't, man.

The LGBT community.

That's what you wanna talk

about, the ladies that got big

titties, huh?

Look here, do me a favor,

man, lose my number.

'Cause I like LGBT's?

Lose my number.

So you don't like LGBT's?

I'm not (bleep) fooling with

you no more, go ahead, man.

What is going on with you?

Be happy.

Well, somebody's RushCard

bounced.

(laughing)

* This is the city

♪ Where we party every night

♪

Can you make, uh,

Saturday at the ArcLight?

No, I'm busy on Saturday.

What about Sunday,

can we go Sunday?

I... just sent you

a confirmation.

And I just received it, hmm.

Hey, you know, as much as I love

scheduling foreplay...

(chuckling)

Maybe we should share calendars.

I'll show you mind

if you show me yours.

Nah... come here, girl.

(chuckling)

(door opening)

Oh, I didn't know you kiss

your dog in the mouth.

Ah.

Baby, I'm gonna let you get back

to your pro-bono work.

I'm black, I don't look like

Sonny Bono, so somebody

told you wrong.

Oh, God.

That's good, that's real good,

Wayne.

(chuckling)

Yeah, I swear, I don't like him!

I don't see what you see in him.

He makes me laugh.

Look, I ain't in no laughing

mood right now, Trina.

(Trina sighing)

I just ran into Russell Simmons.

You know what he told me?

What?

He told me I got

the LBJ's on my ass.

The what?

Nick Cannon's goons.

The LBJ's.

Uh, the LBGT's, yes, I know,

Nick told me about it.

Look, I can't do anything

for you, Kevin.

What?

You showed your ass to some

of Hollywood's most important

deal makers so right now,

you're poison.

If I were you,

I'd take precaution.

Okay, Trina, I ain't

got time for you to be showing

your damn age.

That is a classic song.

Okay--

It's a classic group,

and it will never be dated.

Trina, what you did

in the '70s is your

business, okay?

This ain't about the BVD's.

It's about the L-M-N-O-P's.

And right now, I'm mad because

it's not like I mooned

the damn DMV.

I mooned that N-I-C-K-A...

Nick!

That's who's behind

this C-H-I-T.

Look, LGBT stands for

lesbian, gay, bisexual,

transgender, okay?

So you're telling me that my

apology to Roger Odell

didn't mean anything?

You listen and you listen good.

You call your goons off or I'm

gonna whoop your ass.

Whoop my ass?

I'll move this table

and whoop your ass right now.

Would you move the table

Whoop the ass?

Yeah, uh-huh, exactly.

You ain't whooping nothing

and I ain't calling off nothing.

Matter of fact, my goons are

just getting started.

What?

Yeah, I'm calling everybody.

Call 'em.

Anderson Cooper, Don Lemon,

Rachel Maddow.

Wait a minute.

Shaun T from "Hip Hop Abs."

Now, it's too much.

Ay, I'm even calling the big

dude from "Modern Family."

Now that's where you're

drawing the line.

'Cause he's straight.

I did a show with him.

I was on "Modern Family."

We hung out.

Hit strip clubs.

Strip clubs?

Well, you gonna be striping on

Santa Monica Boulevard for lunch

money if you don't make amends.

Strange for some change.

All right, Nick-wad,

You know what?

I'm gonna do you a little

fundraiser, Nick.

But it's not to make amends.

'Cause everyone knows that

I like... a womans.

Everybody.

Put it in your mouth.

I shoulda got a glass.

All right, chocolate drop.

Yeah, all right.

I like you!

♪

(chatter)

You know the wonderful thing

about being in a...

grown-up relationship...

Mmm.

... is you know who you are

and where you're going.

Yup, you're secure

in your relationship.

Not threatened by silly things

that less secure couples

are threatened by.

You must be out

of our damn mind.

First off, whose lie is it

anyway, huh?

I thought you were busy.

Kevin needs me and...

Look at you.

I am busy, as are you.

What the--

this is a red carpet date.

Red carpet.

OH, I'm so sorry.

You shouldn't have heard that.

Yeah, well,

I'm on a business date.

And we do share calendars.

Personal calendars.

Where'd you come from?

Come on.

Yeah, yeah, well, we share

Marie Callender's.

Yeah.

Pie? That's what you got?

Exactly.

All right, Nick, stop wasting

time, man, you here, I'm here.

Time to get this thing started.

I don't even need you

no more, Kev.

What are you talking about,

you don't need me?

I got Wayne Brady.

What you mean you got

Wayne Brady?

(whispering) Wayne Brady.

What the hell's

Arsenio Hall, Jr. gonna do

that I can't?

Are you replacing me?

Kev, I got something better

for you.

Well, what is it?

Stop beating around the bush,

Nick, just tell me what's

going on.

You ever heard of

"12 Years a Slave"?

Yeah, Yeah, I heard of that.

Highest bidder gets 12 hours

with Kevin Hart.

I don't get it.

I'm selling your ass.

Are you auctioning me off?

You on the Cannon plantation,

baby.

What is that.

What does that mean, Nick, you--

Nick, you're auctioning me?

I's a free man!

♪

Okay, that's it.

I want you to take this.

Whoa, good looking, Kev,

I was not expecting this today.

Jackie, they about to auction

me off in here.

That's $5,000.

I want you to take that money,

I want you to bid on me,

and I want you to buy me.

You sure you might

not go for ten?

Come on, you K. Hart, baby,

you K. Hart.

You know what?

Take the Black Card.

All right?

See that?

Yeah, that way you keep up.

There you go.

Let me go find a position

and get on this.

Yeah, hey, don't let them

get me.

I got you.

All right.

Care to dance?

I'm waiting for

a Michael Jackson song.

(applause)

All right.

Ready everybody, now.

Before we auction off

Kevin Hart, I would like to

auction off my heart to a very

special lady, Miss Trina Shaw.

(music starts)

♪ You

♪ I'm talking to you Trina

♪ Get your hands off of her

♪ Light skin is so '93

♪ Listen to me baby Trina

♪ I just want you to know

♪ That I love you

♪ And I need you baby

♪ I'm sorry that

♪ I showed up with her

♪ No offense to you

♪ He's a good dude too

♪ Baby listen to me

♪ There's one thing

♪ That's been on my mind

♪ And I've gotta let you know

♪ It's my duty, it's my duty

♪ It's my duty

♪ To get on the busy booty

♪ What yeah what yeah what unh

♪ 2 Wayne coming right at you

♪ Not a gangster

♪ So I never got you

♪ Let me turn around girl

♪ Look at them cheeks

♪ I'll be on every day

♪ Of the week my myself

♪ I don't have to explain

♪ You can keep that chick out

♪ I'm 2 Wayne

(microphone thudding)

(moaning)

Come on, let's go, let's go,

let's go, let's go, let's go,

let's go, let's go.

Y'all have a good night.

Y'all look like each other.

Vote for Nick.

I know you're thinking, why

would someone as together as

Trina Shaw associate with

someone who has two

personalities?

One man can't handle me.

2 Waynes.

Wasn't that romantic?

Anyone can use "2 Waynes."

(chuckling)

Nasty.

So we're gonna start off

the auction with a very

special item.

It's called

12 hours with Kevin Hart.

Come on up, Kevin.

Take center stage.

(minimal applause)

The starting bid is $1,000

for 12 hours with Kevin Hart.

Do I hear $1,000?

Jackie?

$1,000.

Where you at, Jackie?

Ooh!

♪

Rooms and drinks on me!

Ha-ha!

Now you ride, now you ride.

Do I hear $100?

Okay, give me

the microphone, man.

Let me get everybody's attention

for a second, okay?

I know right now that you all

are mad at me because you think

I said something.

When I said sick in the head,

I wasn't talking about you.

I don't care who you marry.

That's-- that's you're

prerogative, okay?

That's Bobby Brown, homie.

Just to let you know, okay,

I was really talking about

how dumb you guys are for voting

for this (bleep).

That's-- that's what I was

really talking about.

So if you guys are gonna be mad

at me, be mad at me

for the right reasons.

Not the wrong reasons.

I just came out here to set the

record straight.

Not that the record

can't be gay.

'Cause it can.

Do I hear $50?

I bid five dollars.

Sold!

To Lance Bass.

(cheering and applause)

Lance Bass?

I thought what you said about

the 'N Sync performance at the

VMA's was so funny,

I just had to buy-buy-buy you,

you're mine.

Justin couldn't buy me?

You're mine, Kevin,

you're mine.

Jackie!

♪

Where the hell you been,

Jackie?

Whoo, boy, the question is,

where were you at?

That's all I wanna know... ha!

You know what?

Hey, Jackie, don't touch

that, no.

I thought you made it for me.

I don't make it for you,

and you don't live here.

I don't know why you come here.

Where's my money and where's my

Black Card?

All right, Kevin, look man.

Last night I was pumping bottles

with all these models.

Oh, man, you shoulda seen it.

I don't know where...

I'm gonna find your stuff, man,

I got it.

Yeah, well, you know what?

I see it, I see where

the $5,000 went.

That's right here, so you can

stop looking for that.

Why don't you just look for my

Black Card?

I'm looking in the pocket,

now, I know she didn't go down

that low.

I ain't gonna lie to you, Kev.

That one in the red.

She rolled me, man.

You got rolled?

Rolled.

You know what, Jackie?

I'm about to roll your ass

myself, man.

Thanks to you, I'm gonna miss my

beloved Eagles kick the Raider's

ass and on top of that...

(doorbell chiming)

...I gotta spend the whole day

with a dag-gone...

Raiders fan.

That's right.

Oh-ho, an Eagles fan?

I can tell by the panties.

♪ About to be up in that ass

♪

(loud chatter)

Come on, tackle the mother

(bleep)!

I mean, you're playing like

the Oakland (bleep).

Hey, hey, do you kiss your

boyfriend with that mouth?

It's disgusting.

Oakland fa--

Uh, uh, uh, you say it,

I'll (bleep) you up.

Oh, really, you can say

(bleep)...

Yeah, I can, you can't,

that's right.

That doesn't make any sense.

Oh, yeah, my (bleep).

What did you just say?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Look, stop!

Will you two queer (bleep)

shut the (bleep) up, all right!

I'm trying to watch the game

too, damn!

Ill... your breath.

I'm gonna ill your ass.

Ill.

Yeah, ill, (bleep).

Got it.

Yeah!

Yes, yes!

Hey!

You either clean this (bleep)

off me or I'm gonna rip out your

tongue and lick it off myself!

Hey.

You can actually do all that?

Well, guess who's got

bad timing?

You do!

You do, you do, you do!

You're messing with a member of

the Money Team.

I got Floyd Mayweather's

personal lackey with me.

You done stepped in it now.

Jackie? Jackie!

Jackie!

He probably went to

the bathroom, you better--

Money Team, huh?

Yeah, the Money Team.

You about to cash out.

What?

I'm gonna kick your ass!

Don't-- you get--

get your hands off of me.

Wanna fight my friend?

You gotta fight me.

Yeah, you're gonna get it.

Lance, you go low.

What is that supposed to

mean?

Everything isn't about

being gay.

(all shouting)

(screaming)

♪

What the hell were you

thinking, man?

I thought I could take him.

What you mean, you thought

you could take him?

You couldn't even take

Joey Fatone and he's fat

and fat and not toned.

Look, I bought you.

I'm responsible for you.

You bought me?

Let me tell you something,

that is wrong on so many levels.

I'm just gonna ignore that.

Newsflash, Lance.

I wasn't even gonna fight

the guy.

I was just talking (bleep), man.

That's what I do.

Everybody knows that.

I talk (bleep)!

Real men talk (bleep).

Are you trying to say because

I'm gay, I'm not a real man?

I talk (bleep).

Some people say I talk too

much (bleep) you little piece

of (bleep).

What?

Ask my boo, he'll tell you.

Hi, Kev.

Where you at?

Turn that way.

I got something to talk to

you about.

Right here.

On my swollen side?

I'm right here, Kevin,

what are you talking about?

Hey, you are about to get

a piece of my mind.

What happened to you, Jackie?

No, no-no-no,

what happened to y'all?

What?

This is bad.

Yeah, I bet it is, Jackie.

Whoa.

Where was you at?

Look, man, y'all was making

too much noise, okay?

So I go up in the balcony

to get a tan.

A tan?

Yes.

Newsflash, that's

not what we do,

that's what him people do.

No-no-no, guys, I got one

word for you: counseling.

Look, I gotta go, all right?

Kevin Hart, I have to say

this is the best five dollars

I've ever spent.

Same time next week?

There's no same time.

Get your ass out.

What, I thought we had fun.

This wasn't fun.

Let's go over the reasons why.

I got $5,000 stolen from me.

Don't know where

my Black Card is.

On top of that, sniff some

pennies, was left what seemed

to be a herpe on my lip.

Now, if I go out with you again,

Lance, that would mean that

I would have to be

sick in the head.

Ha-ha!

Huh?

♪