Original subtitles

Previously on "Real Husbands

of Hollywood"...

He's slipping!

Pull up, pull up!

Ahh!

It's cold in here, though.

Ahh!

My gosh!

He fell!

Oh! ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ It's like one day

♪ You're doing good

♪ Next day you're doing bad

♪ But they seem to love you

♪ On them bad days, though

[chuckles]

♪ Yo

They say when you're

about to die that your life

flashes before you.

I always assumed that it would

be the good times.

That's what I'm talking

about.

Not this [bleep].

Oh, my God!

[screaming]

You are no longer my client.

♪ It was all good

♪ Just a week ago

♪ I think they like me better

♪ When I'm broke

Just one question.

And this might be my last

question.

How do I change this horror

channel called my [bleep] life?

Ahh!

Ahh, ahh, ahh!

Oh!

Oh, God.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you!

I'm alive!

Oh!

♪ This is the life

♪ Look at the life

♪ This is the city

♪ Where we party every night

♪ Every night

♪ We do it big

♪ Diamonds and gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪

[gasping]

Boo.

Ha ha ha!

What up?

Now you guys are probably

wondering why I'm in a casket.

When we originally planned this

event, it was to raise money

for Kevin Hart's funeral.

I mean, the dude fell off

a 14-story ledge and fell into

a pile of money.

This dude's got endorsements.

He's got book deals.

He's got movie deals.

So instead of a "Oh, my God,

we feel sorry for you, Kevin"

kind of a roast, this is

a "[bleep] you and your

[bleep]-ass" type of roast.

So without further adieu,

my main man, Mr. Kevin Hart!

[cheers and applause]

Are all these people here

for me right now?

Yes.

Wow.

Poor Kevin.

He can't remember a thing since

he got rammed in the head with

those skateboards.

But it's not all bad news.

In the time that it took him to

fall from the 14th floor to

the pavement, he has gone from

being America's most despised

to America's most beloved.

People cannot get enough of him.

I mean, everybody wants a piece

of him.

Networks, studios, advertisers.

Excuse me.

Old girlfriends.

Mmm.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Who are you?

Papi, I am Charmagne.

You don't remember me?

No.

I don't remember.

I'm your boo, baby.

Let me see if I can help you

to remember.

Well, I had a--

Oh!

Charmagne, it is not the time

nor the place.

No, that's the place.

Excuse me.

I was giving him

my phone number.

Oh, I didn't know you could

write all the way down there.

It's in the dark.

Oh.

How can you see?

Papi, you call me...

Yes.

...when you lose the [bleep]

blocker, all right?

Okay.

Mwah, mwah.

Mmm.

[sniffing]

Are you sniffing yourself?

No.

Why they got this

big-ass casket?

What, did Kevin

and his brother die?

[audience laughs]

The fact that you survived

the fall off the ledge is proof

that not only does God not like

ugly, but neither does

the devil.

[laughter]

But on the real, you know,

I keep hearing all this about

Kevin's amnesia and how

everybody's feeling so sorry

for the guy, but the truth is,

I mean, the mother[bleep] know

nothing to forget

in the first place.

I don't remember.

People say, "You everywhere,

Kevin!"

Ha ha ha!

Yeah, you everywhere,

all right.

In the crack of my [bleep]!

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

[laughs]

That is Kevin talking [bleep].

[grunting]

Look at Kevin Hart.

He don't know what the [bleep]

I'm saying right now.

Therefore, he don't remember

nothing about I'm about to say

right now.

Only thing you should remember

tonight is I was on this

damn stage.

'Cause my show "The Millers" is

doing its thang.

So when I leave this [bleep]

tonight... [panting]

all you're gonna see

is the ghost of J.B. Smoove.

[cheers and applause]

Hey, guys.

You mind if I sit

at the cool table?

Um... no.

Pull up a chair.

This is crazy.

Hey.

So you really don't remember

us, huh?

Oh, man, I can't say

that I do.

I don't remember much of

anything, to be honest with you.

Whoa.

Wait, Nick Cannon

for Beverly Hills mayor.

"Because they need a hero"?

You're a hero?

Yeah, yeah, actually I am.

What?

I didn't get there in time

for you, but I saved all these

guys from falling off the ledge.

Saved all our lives.

Nick Cannon is coming!

Nick Cannon.

I got you.

Mr. NCredible.

Oh!

Hero.

[camera shutter clicking]

Oh, one more.

This is weird, man.

Kevin is being nice.

See, look, people in TV Land,

I don't know if you know

the truth or not, but Kevin is

not a nice person.

He is a world-class ass--

wait for it-- hole.

See, I had to separate it

'cause you can't say those words

together on BET.

But this is definitely not

the Kevin I know.

Shoot, Mariah wouldn't even let

this Kevin come over

to the house.

No, I wouldn't.

Kevin Hart has a lifetime

restraining order from setting

foot on any of my properties

and if Nick brings him,

he's gonna lose his visiting

rights as well.

Okay.

Cut.

That's all they could afford.

You know what, Kev?

I would love it if you hosted

my fundraiser.

A hero asking me to do

something?

Yes!

Just name the time and place,

man, I'll be there.

Really?

Yeah.

Hey, babe.

I'm ready to go.

Did you tell Kevin yet?

Uh...

Tell Kevin what?

Wait a minute.

And you are Miss, Miss, um...

Hart, mitch.

That's a coincidence.

We got the same last name.

It's not a coincidence.

I'm your ex-wife, fool.

You know what, I don't even

think you have amnesia.

I think you're just stupid.

Okay.

You didn't tell him, did you?

Tell me what?

What, what do you gotta tell me?

Look, Kev, you know--

No, no, no, no, no.

We've been boys

for a long time.

I'm the type of guy who like

to keep things 100, so, uh,

you know what I'm trying to say,

right?

I don't know what

keeping 100 means.

Just tell me.

Tell me what it is.

Bridgette came to me.

She wanted help with her music.

And to be honest, man, I mean,

the girl's got a mouth on--

I mean a voice.

Excuse me.

Long story short, you know, one

thing lead to another and, uh,

we been dating.

We've been dating the hell

out of each other.

Well, I think what Bridgette

is trying to say is that,

you know, we kind of would like

your blessing.

God!

Kev, Kev, Kev!

No, no!

It ain't worth it.

It ain't worth it, Kev.

Hey.

What are you talking about?

It's champagne, guys.

I was just gonna make a toast.

Oh.

Okay?

Knock yourself out.

Okay, uh...

I'll have some more.

Here you go.

I feel like everything happens

for a reason.

Me coming over here to the cool

table must have been for this.

Uh, okay, guys.

This is to Bridgette and Nelly.

May he love you better

than I ever did.

A beautiful woman like you

deserves the best.

Hey, and I haven't heard you

sing, but let me tell you

something.

A woman wearing a jacket like

that can probably blow.

To love, men.

Cheers.

Where the hell was this Kevin

for the past seven years?

I mean, I would have been

serving him this ass on

a platter instead of Nelly if he

had said any of that when we

were married.

♪ No one makes me feel

♪ The way you do

♪ When you give it to me

♪ Give it to me

Mwah.

[giggles]

Wow.

Damn.

I don't like her.

Papi.

Huh?

I'm gonna wait for you

outside, okay?

Okay.

Mwah.

Hello.

That's something else there.

Whoa-ho-ho.

Sheesh.

Wow.

Okay.

I have a question, guys.

So are we like boyfriend

and girlfriend or...

More like boyfriend

and hoodrat.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You love her very much.

Yeah, I can tell.

I can tell that there's

a connection.

We share this crazy connection.

It's love.

Look here, Gump.

We got a once in a lifetime

opportunity right here that can

make you feel even more

connected, all right?

Tell him, Shake.

What is it?

Well, it's a movie about

our experience on the ledge.

It's called "Falling Legends."

"Falling Legends."

"Falling Legends"?

"Falling Legends."

That's a catchy title, guys.

That's nice.

Guess who the legend is.

Who?

You!

Ha ha!

Hold on.

As in-- as in like the star?

Yep.

Want to hear the log line?

Yeah, I wanna hear

the log line.

We all get rich.

Okay, well, here's, here's--

Can I act?

It don't matter.

Don't matter at all.

Boys can't act.

Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

I'm better than Nelly.

Hey.

I don't see nobody else at this

table having a meeting with

Scorsese.

Come on, come on, guys.

All we need is a "yes" from you

and we can get this thing

greenlit tomorrow.

For sure.

Listen to me.

I-- I'm sold, okay?

What you guys are saying,

I'm digging.

Let's do it.

I'll do it.

Now, now, now I gotta let you

know, like we're not gonna be

able to pay you your usual fee.

You know, we're on a shoestring

budget here.

Although, 25 mil can buy a lot

of shoestrings.

For me.

[unzipping]

[urinating]

Phew.

[unzipping]

Hey, man, what's going on?

Uh...

You know.

Glass is half full, man.

Life is great right now.

Well, you are blessed,

my friend.

Okay.

Listen, man, I don't remember

much, but I met my ex-wife,

so I know I'm straight, so...

No, man.

I'm talking about surviving

that fall that you took.

Oh, I thought--

Did you think--

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm Kevin.

I am not touching your hand

with chorizo sweat all over it.

Sorry.

Listen, I'm George Lopez.

All right, so tell me what you

think about this, bro.

George Lopez and Kevin Hart

together, starring in

"47-1/2 Hours."

"47-1/2 Hours"?

What's, uh, what's that?

Dude, it's a movie.

It's a parody of all those old

great cop buddy flicks.

You know, like "48 Hours,"

"Lethal Weapon," "Rush Hour,"

"Another 48 Hours."

You gotta remember those, right?

I don't really remember

anything past 48 hours, man.

So I don't know

what to tell you.

It doesn't matter.

Listen, Paramount is putting up

$150 million, Kevin.

Listen, 40 of that

you and I get to split.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, but I'm already committed

to a project with my friends

called "Falling Legends," so...

What are you talking about?

What friends?

Um...

God, what are their names?

It's on the tip of my tongue.

They literally just told me.

Are you talking about those

dudes you were sitting

at the table with?

Yeah, those guys.

It's on the tip of my tongue.

What are their names?

Listen, America must have

fallen off the ledge with you,

because they can't remember

their names either.

America knows you, they know me.

That's what I'm talking about.

So can we do business?

Listen, it sounds great.

I mean, the money sounds

terrific as well, but I already

got a commitment, man.

Friendship is everything, right?

All right.

If you say so.

All right, listen, man.

We'll talk again, okay?

Okay.

You take care of yourself.

I missed it.

Yeah, you missed it

all right.

It's okay.

Like my grandma used to say...

[speaking Spanish]

♪

I felt guilty about firing

Kevin and him falling off

of the building.

And the fact that I don't think

his third toe works anymore.

So I let him stay at my house

until he gets back on his feet.

Jeez, I'm so late.

Because he will get back

on his feet.

Maybe not his third toe.

But definitely back on his feet.

Wow.

Did you do this?

Yeah.

I've been working on it all day.

That is very impressive.

Just today, huh?

Yeah.

I used Michael Jackson

as my motivation.

Why would you use

Michael Jackson to paint me?

Just as like a basis of

where to start from.

[phone beeps]

Hold on.

I'm gonna take this.

Okay.

Hey, Wayne.

Yeah, no.

I canceled my 6:00 so that

I could make dinner with you.

Yeah, well, I'm busy too.

Fine.

Yes.

Good-bye.

Wayne and I started dating

when I booked Kevin on his show

about a year ago.

Unfortunately, in doing so,

I violated one of my cardinal

rules-- never date a game show

host.

Because in the end, all you get

is a zonk.

What's this?

This is what I want you

to take and throw in the face

of whoever that clown was

on the phone.

I'm kidding.

It's for your feet.

I, uh, I went and put some

Epsom salt in it.

After I prepare dinner, I was

gonna rub your feet for--

Dinner.

You made dinner?

Yes.

Listen, you have been taking

really good care of me.

The least I can do is return

the favor.

Wow.

I'm thinking about dropping

Wayne from a 14th-story window.

[screaming]

Foot treatment was nice.

I must say, Kevin, this was

delicious.

Good.

I'm glad you liked it.

I can't believe what a horrible,

misguided client I was.

I mean, why didn't you dump me?

Well, I did.

Good for you.

I'm serious.

You got an eyelash that's about

to go in your eye.

Oh, this--

Don't touch it.

Here.

You'll make it worse.

[blowing]

I got it.

It's out.

You know, I wanted to ask you

something.

And I feel like this is--

Kevin, I know where

this is going.

And you know my rule.

What rule?

You can't eat tiramisu?

[chuckles]

Good night, Kevin.

[chuckles]

Good night.

By the way, don't ever go

back to old Kevin.

He was an ass[bleep].

Hmm.

Good night!

Tiramisu by myself.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Kev.

Hey.

What's up, man?

Not much.

Get your stuff.

We gotta make a run.

I can't do that, man.

I gotta go in here and wash

these dishes.

Dishes?

Come on, man.

Dishes are for mitches.

Now let's get out of here before

Trina have you cooking for her.

I already did.

I made some new potatoes--

I don't care.

We gotta get out of here.

Oh, I can look at your face

and tell you want some tiramisu.

Go try some.

Okay, look, Kev, you get your

jacket, I'll try the tiramisu.

All right, go ahead.

Look, I'm trying it.

I did it.

Okay.

God[bleep], that's good.

I made it from scratch.

All right, well, let's get

out of here, man, come on.

Why?!

Would you get your jacket?

Come on, you're gonna love this.

That is a great portrait.

Yeah, I did it myself.

That's the best picture

I ever seen of Terrence Howard.

Who's Terrence Howard?

Come on, let's go.

Who's Terrence Howard?

Hey, you drive.

Oh, wow, man!

I always wanted to drive!

You know what,

I'm gonna drive.

Okay.

What do I tell her?

Do I even say I'm going?

I didn't wash the dishes.

♪

Ah.

[gasping]

How's this?

Huh?

What is this?

You've never been here

before?

No, what are you talking--

I don't know.

Just trust me, come on.

Trust you for what?

[elevator bell dings]

All right, close your eyes.

Okay, here we go.

[bangs into door]

Watch it, watch it.

Well, you gotta talk to me.

What are we doing, Dwayne?

Open your eyes.

Right now or--

Yes, right now.

Open your eyes, man.

I'm gonna count to three.

One, two, three.

♪ Big money, bad chicks

♪ That's the life, huh?

Oh, my God.

What is this?!

Welcome to the penthouse

that near-death built, baby.

[laughs]

What is going on, man?

What is this?

This is your new crib.

What?!

This is your new crib.

You lie.

Kevin, when I dropped you

from-- I mean, when you fell

from the ledge--

Wait, what?

You fell into the lap of

luxury, man.

All the offers started

pouring in.

[bleep], if I was smart, I would

have fell with you.

But you know how I do.

Let me show you the rest.

I don't know how you do.

Tell me, man.

Actually, this mini-mitch

forgot how I do.

I negotiated an endorsement deal

with the W where they pay Kevin

a huge fee and give him

a free penthouse.

And as his representative,

I get a fat commission.

This is crazy, man.

[laughs]

It's incredible, Snake.

Thank you, man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's Shake.

Shark.

It's S-H-A-K-E.

Oh.

Sugar.

Okay, listen.

If you sign this,

it's all yours.

Oh, man, here.

Give me that pen.

Oh, no, you know what?

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

You might want to have your

attorney take a look at it

before you sign.

Why?

Why do I need my attorney?

You just told me if I sign here,

it's all mine.

Yeah, it is.

Anybody with a name like

Shark gotta be trusted.

All right, come on, man.

You a straight-up business guy.

Well, in that case, I got

the contract to our movie, too.

It's called "Fallen Legend."

I know.

I always loved the title.

I remember when I heard...

Can you say "Eee"?

Eee.

Let me just get a little--

What's that?

DNA.

You know, there's a lot of

forgery going on right now.

Wouldn't wanna get caught up.

A little bit excessive,

though, isn't it?

Some people do the ass.

Okay?

Look, why don't you check out

your crib--

Okay.

Get acquainted with it

and everything.

I'm gonna go get your keys, man.

I'll be right back.

Let me tell you something.

Snake Eyes.

They don't make 'em

like you, man.

It's Shake.

Huh?

Shake.

I'll do it if you want me to.

I'm excited.

I'll be back.

I'll see you later, Scallops!

[ominous music swells]

Boys, help me!

He's slipping!

Boys, help me!

[men shouting]

Be sure to tune into next

week's episode because [bleep]

is about to get real.

Same black time, same black

channel, and same black Kevin.

♪