Original subtitles

♪ This is the life

♪ Look at the life

♪ This is the city

♪ Where we party

♪ Every night, every night

♪ Party every night

♪ We do it big

♪ Diamonds and gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ We get money

♪ Spend it and make it back

♪ We get money

♪ Spend it and make it back ♪

Trina, over here.

Hey, hey, guys, I need this

section, man.

Get your asses up!

God, I'm the star.

You would think y'all would just

get up!

God!

Kevin, they know you're the

star.

My God, what's going on?

They got me out here on the

cover of a damn tabloid looking

like a woman.

Sorry, let me see...

Okay, now get a look at that.

I heard about it but this

is...

Look at it.

How are we gonna fix this?

That's the quest-- Trina.

This-- I'm sorry.

Okay.

Trina, I'm not laughing.

You're right-- Here's what

you need to do, okay?

You're gonna have to get

yourself a good litigator

because it looks like you're

going...

Tell me why in the hell I

wanna buy a alligator right now?

Hmm?

What is purchasing an exotic pet

have to do with me being on the

cover of a damn...

I don't know, I don't know

what that has to do with

anything.

Because I didn't say alligator,

I said litigator.

You don't think I know the

difference between a alligator

and a alligator?

It's the same thing.

One's got croc skin, one's got

alligator skin.

I don't know.

Find the alligator, put your

head in its mouth.

Look, here's the thing,

all right?

You just need to...

get in front of this thing.

Do the talk show circuits,

Oprah, Katie...

What, to tell them I'm the

father of a pair of pantyhose?

That's what you expect me to

say?

No, no, no-no-no.

So what are you saying?

You're gonna go on the talk

shows and you're gonna talk

about your movie, okay, your

latest project.

And then you will segue way into

the whole, "I'm not the father

of the stuffed pantyhose thing."

Mm, mm, you know what?

That might be the dumbest

[bleep] I've ever heard in my

life.

You have said some things

before, but that was from the

stupid factory.

The dumbest, the dumbest

thing?

That was dumb.

Trina, listen to me!

Trina, I'm not gonna go back and

forth with you about this.

Let me tell you what you're

gonna do.

You listen and you listen good.

Okay, what you gonna do, you're

gonna figure out a way to get in

front of this.

And if you do not get in front

of it, then I will get in front

of a new attorney.

Is that what you want?

Is that a threat?

That's a threat!

That is not a threat to me.

I bet you I have somebody else's

number in my purse right now.

You want them?

Let me tell you what I want.

Hmm?

I want this situation fixed!

I want it resolved.

All right.

R-E-S-B-L...

Yeah.

Dammit!

Since I have to pay Trina and

her law partners five percent of

my income for the worst advice

since Suge told Tupac to hop in,

I decided to engage the law firm

of me, myself and I.

Just lay low until hurricane

Selita blows over.

Hey, hey!

That's all the cereal, right?

Enough for the next six

months.

Good, good.

I got that, I got my poker.

I don't have to leave this

house, you hear me, I'm all set.

Where the guys at?

I don't know, maybe they're

not coming.

Why would they not be coming?

Because you're a pariah.

Don't call me no damn fish.

No, that's a piranha.

Oh, so I'm a reject now?

Don't nobody wanna be around old

Kevin Hart?

Hey, Honeynut!

You want some-- no, you had

enough beer.

You're not gonna get no more

beer, you hear me?

Horses don't drink no damn

beer, man, don't you do that to

that damn horse.

You don't know what they

drink-- Get down, get down.

Go to your room, go to your

room, right now.

How you get in here?

I snuck in through Selita's

fake baby bump, that's how I got

in here.

Okay.

Oh, you going down this time,

boy.

Just shut up.

Now you went too far.

Shut up, man.

I told you several times...

All right.

...how far you've gone.

Now this time, you went too far.

Dude, I don't need to hear it

again.

Went too far.

I don't need to hear it

again.

Went too far.

I don't wanna hear it no

more.

Went too far.

I don't wanna hear it again

after that.

Went too far.

That's the last time I wanna

hear it.

The guys came in with you?

No, the wives wouldn't let

'em come.

What?

I was over there, man, they

was calling you all kind of

names.

Names I never even heard before,

I'm like [bleep] damn.

Did they call me a pariah?

Yup, they called you a fish

with sharp teeth.

I was like, what the hell?

That's cool.

Hey, so, I don't know, I guess

I'll just set the game up, you

know, for us and, you know, for

whoever...

How much is this?

That's fives.

The blue's what?

The blues are tens.

Tens...

What are you doing?

Yeah, I drew the short straw

so I had to come get the stuff.

What do you mean, you drew

the short straw?

52 cards!

Come get the stuff for what?

Friends come and go, Kevin.

But the game must move on.

Which is why I'm like,

let's play.

You dirty mother...

Oliver, he's trying to steal the

chips!

Hey, man!

JB!

JB, stop, man!

Stop!

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin...

What?

Why did you fake the baby

bump?

Okay, listen, it takes two

fakers to fake a baby bump.

So why don't you go ask Selita,

okay?

We don't have to, Kevin.

Selita's on all the talk shows.

Really?

Yeah.

Get off my property now!

Katie Couric?

I didn't know she interviewed

black people.

How did this whole fake baby

thing happen in the first place?

He said the Academy wouldn't

let him host the Oscars unless

he was really, really famous.

That's not true.

And taller.

No.

I could only help with one of

those things.

So he has a real complex

about his height?

Look at his sneakers.

Wow.

Actually, you know, I think Matt

Lauer has those sneakers.

Those aren't even my shoes!

It was Halloween.

Anyway, it was him that came

up with this ridiculous idea.

This is bull [bleep]!

Katie, I just wanted to make

him happy.

She's acting!

This is ridiculous.

Listen, I'm here for you,

"sista."

Oh, thank you, boo.

So-- oh, by the way.

Is this is the bed where it

didn't happen?

Oh, yeah, you wanna go lay on

it?

Well, actually...

Wait a minute, is that...

That's my bedroom.

Y'all in the bed-- Katie!

Katie!

She's lying!

Katie, don't believe her!

She's a liar!

Hold on.

Selita, this is a really

nice...

Oh, no.

So where did the fake baby

shower take place anyway?

Oh, it was all here, and plus

500 of Kevin's fake friends.

Oh.

Yeah, we had a chocolate

fountain.

We had crystal, we had swans in

the pool, I mean...

She's lying!

>> Thank you so much

for coming.

You're welcome, mwah.

They're downstairs!

Katie!

Honeynut, you stop it now.

Katie!

I'm not going back to Costco!

So I finally figured out that

Katie wasn't in my house when I

saw Honeynut rolling on the damn

floor laughing at my ass.

Anyway, I fired the law firm of

me, myself and I and decided to

get out in front of this damn

thing.

Welcome to a special edition

of "On and On 'Til the Break of

Dawn with Shaun."

I am sitting next to the pool of

disgraced comedian Kevin Hart.

For the next hour, we'll delve

into his illicit relationship

with lingerie model Selita

Ebanks.

So Kevin, you know, you and

I have known each other for

a long time.

Yeah.

So I gotta ask...

what the hell were you thinking?

Is that-- is that how--

how we're starting off?

Is that the first question or...

Okay, you know, if I just

give you softball questions,

nobody gonna take you seriously.

If I wanted a pitch thrown at

my head, I would've got, you

know, Rush Limbaugh or somebody

to come in...

Okay, so take me back to the

beginning.

Okay.

When did you first know

something was off with your

relationship with Selita?

Surely, you must've been a

little suspicious when she said

she was pregnant and you guys

had not even had sex.

As far as I was concerned,

we were having sex.

At least I thought we were,

I mean...

Wait, wait, what kind of man

"thinks" he had sex?

I don't understand.

What do you mean, what kind

of man, several men.

A man who's had a few drinks,

you know?

Uh, Hennessy with a little bit

of heroin in it.

I don't think that's a question

to ask.

Okay, okay.

Let me ask you this question.

How did it feel when you were

not having sex with Selita,

that--

Let's cut-- cut the cameras

off, right now.

Softball.

You are costing me an Emmy.

I shoulda called D.L.--

Dianne Lemon.

Here's the deal.

We're trying to sell

commercials.

You gotta give me something.

What are you talking about

selling commercials here?

I'm here trying to save my life.

Then you shoulda called an

ambulance, dude.

What happened to the show

I just talked--

Okay, you know what, all

right, you know what?

We're not gonna get anything

here, let's just wrap up.

Okay.

I thought I was doing you

a favor.

Okay, no, you are, no-no,

okay, all right, okay, all

right.

Wait, I'ma give you something.

I'ma give you something good.

I got some stuff I can show you

in the bedroom.

Kevin, Katie was all up in

your bedroom with Selita the

other day.

Your lack of performance is old

news.

Uh...

first of all, no-no, that's the

wrong news.

Because I killed that fake ass.

Okay...

Okay, yeah, so understand

that.

Beat it up.

Okay.

Let's get that down.

Is that what you told Selita?

Okay, I don't know about

that.

It's not even about that.

Just, can I-- can you come to

the room?

She show you the bed?

I saw the bed on Katie,

already, I told you.

But did she show you the dead

sperm cells?

You know what I'm talking about.

Ohh...

Yeah, now you wanna talk to

me?

Are you telling me that when

you thought you were having sex

with Selita, it was actually

a blow-up doll?

That's exactly--

what are you...

ahh, wait!

Get a picture!

No, don't get a close-up of

that!

Oh my God.

I use it for the carpool

lane.

Get that camera off.

Look, this is the angle

you've been waiting for.

You were duped.

I was what?

You were duped.

America loves a dupe.

Get a shot of that, are you

rolling?

I don't know, I don't know,

I don't know if I can.

Listen to me.

In order to get America on your

side, you gotta show them what

you've been through.

And trust me, by this time

tomorrow, baby, you will be

back!

I'ma be back.

Just a couple pictures...

Just a couple.

Just a couple pictures.

All right.

You need the name of it or

anything?

No, no, don't need the name,

just--

It's "Blowsephina."

Okay.

Close-up, okay, right there,

right there, get that close-up.

Zoom in.

Now kiss it.

I don't know.

You've done much worse things

with this doll, baby.

>> Okay, Trina, you've talked

>> Okay, Trina, you've talked me into it.

me into it.

I can deliver.

Wow, is this how you do it,

huh?

Kevin...

Is this how you do it, Trina?

Kevin.

Get up.

Get up, let me get the seat.

Thank you.

Kevin...

Wow, when your client's

down...

Kevin, this is the Academy on

the phone...

I don't give a damn who it

is.

Hey, Academy, let me tell you

what you can do!

You can kiss me and my eight

million Twitter followers

[bleep] asses, do you hear me?

I was trying to do y'all

a favor!

You understand that?

But it's cool, it is so cool.

I'd rather host The Hoodies

before I host this bull [bleep].

Done with y'all, don't need ya,

bye-bye.

Carl, I'm gonna call you

back.

Bye, Carl.

What you looking at?

You wanna have a staring

contest?

Can we have the room, please?

You better get the room.

I'm ashamed of you, brother.

Put on a suit, all of a sudden,

you working for the man.

Let's talk.

Do you know what you just

did?

I know exactly what I just

did.

I just stood up for myself.

It's what I used to pay you to

do, remember?

The Academy re-agreed to let

you host the Oscars as long as

we delivered DiCaprio as

a presenter.

We can make that happen.

Let's get 'em back on the phone,

is it star 8-2?

Yeah, no, I can't do that.

Star 8-2 calls--

I can't do that, it's over.

Yeah, but it sounds like the

deal's already done.

It's over, I can't do it

anymore.

You can't do what anymore?

Never mind the negative press

or the lawsuits or the people

outside protesting, or the IRS

at my office going through my

books because they think that

maybe we had something to do

with this.

Despite all of that, I used

every one of my last favors to

get you the Oscars back and you

know what you did?

You did what you always do,

Kevin.

You [bleep] it up!

Well, wait a minute,

yuck mouth.

When did you start talking like

that, huh?

It's always a joke to you,

isn't it, Kevin?

All right, well, here's the

punch line.

As of right now, you are no

longer my client.

Are you serious?

Fine.

You know what?

I'm gonna keep my five percent

that I've been giving to you,

which was very gracious.

So before I start walking this

way, you wanna-- you wanna

change that?

Okay.

I am moving on, storming out of

here.

♪ You always be

♪ Talking down

♪ Mitches do that

♪ The way you act when your

♪ Girl come around

♪ Mitches do that

Hey, that's my car!

♪ Make you change

♪ Your plans

♪ Mitches do that

♪ When you talk that way

♪ You tend to move your hands

♪ Mitches do that ♪

What do you mean my credit

card ain't go through?

Here, keep the change.

There he is,

there's the mitch!

No, no!

Right there, look at him.

Hey!

Running like a mitch.

♪ Mitches do that ♪

Kevin!

May I help-- Uh-uh.

Is that a rabbit?

What kind of freaky McGruff

[bleep] you got going on in

here, man?

And where the hell is Kevin?

He don't live here anymore,

okay?

So what are you doing here,

then?

I'm squatting, is the

interview over?

Ready for you to bury that

bone.

This is not the time.

Mister Canine-inches.

Good Lord.

Jennifer, what are you doing?

Hey, Daddy.

What is going on in here?

Nothing happening, just good

clean fun.

This ain't clean.

Sit.

On your knees.

He does tricks.

Goddamn.

Hey Scooby-Doo.

Yo, where is Kevin?

He called from some fleabag

motel downtown.

Where, puppy boy?

Is that real dog food?

Yeah.

Here, here, take it, okay?

You have really grown.

Nelly, Nelly.

That's my fake TV daughter.

You was not on that show,

Shake.

She has really grown, Shake.

This is crazy.

Bark my name!

♪ No need for conversation

♪ 'Cause you're too

♪ Celebrating

♪ It's time to take you

♪ Up to my place... ♪

Go away!

Delivery.

Go away.

I say open the door, it looks

like crackheads out here or

something, damn.

Hurry up.

Wait a minute!

Open the door!

Boy, if you don't open the

door-- There's a dude walking

down the hall right now.

Look like "Vampire in Brooklyn."

What the hell you want?

Why don't you let me up in

here?

Damn, you didn't get my

message--

My phone died.

Look like more than just your

phone died.

Yeah, my career.

Damn, Kevin.

All of this for a piece of ass?

And not even no cute ass.

In fact, she didn't even

have no ass.

Okay, I don't have time for

this.

Ooh, is this one of them

vibrating beds!

Oh my God, I always wanted to

use one of these.

Ahh...

that's what I'm talking about.

It don't work, Tiffany.

What, huh?

Dang, you know how to mess up a

wet dream, don't you?

What's in this bag, girl?

Uh, I brought you a bottle of

moscato, 'cause I figured you'd

be down.

I brought you a jar of peanut

butter 'cause I figured you'd be

hungry.

And I brought you a box of

condoms 'cause I didn't want you

to get a STD from your blow-up

doll.

I just thought I'd do that

because it's kind of messed up

that I ratted you out to the

police.

Oh, speaking of rat, uh, I think

you got a roommate, Kev.

Hell, no, Tiffany!

Tiffany, kill it!

Get up off of me.

I gotta go.

It's just a rat, man.

Don't tell nobody I'm here.

Remember, snitches end up in

ditches.

Okay, and so do mitches.

I gotta pee.

That moscato ran right through

me.

Oh...

What the...

Why would they put a door here,

why?

Hey...

Ahh...

12th-- Yo, this is it,

this is it, this is it.

Kevin!

Kev, yo!

Kevie-Kev!

We gonna have to break down

the door, come on.

What are you doing?

What-- how do--

I stayed here once.

Really, Shake?

Oh [bleep]!

Oh no-no-no!

Kevin!

What?

Kev?

Whoa, no-no-no-no, Kevin,

listen, man, I know it's tough.

And mostly because of me.

Just hear me out, okay?

Yo, where he at?

What are you doing?

Why are you coming out?

No, what are you doing?

Okay, listen...

I ain't going out there,

I ain't going.

Kev, look, I know you lost

your house.

Your car...

Yes.

And your career, right?

Yes.

And you found out that your

girl is a psycho from hell

but...

What the hell you talking

about, Duane?

I came out here to take--

You just stepped in my piss.

Oh, I knew it was smelling

something-- what did you eat,

asparagus?

It happens!

Get your dumb ass inside,

come on, man.

Let's go back inside.

Okay, give me your hand.

I don't need to take your

hand.

I can walk inside--

Hey!

Boris, get your ass out here!

Oh, no!

Hold on, I got it, I got it!

Oh, man, don't go out there.

I'm afraid of heights.

Boris!

Shake about to die!

Shake, don't die!

Boris, help me!

Don't let go.

I got this.

Okay!

Nelly!

What?

Come on, man!

All right, I'm coming!

Pull, Kevin!

Pull!

This is the end, Shake!

This is all over, Shake,

this is the end!

Kevin!

Get him, boys--

Grab my hand!

Are those muscles or implants,

come on!

I'm trying, man, you got too

much baby oil on.

Well, I moisturize, sue me.

He's slipping!

Your arm is so greasy!

He's slipping.

Don't move, don't move.

Oh, come on!

Okay, I don't know who that

is, but good job.

Oh, my balls hurt!

It's so tight.

I'm in a split.

Don't let me go!

Get back, on the count of

three.

On three!

Can't hold you guys much

longer.

It's cold in here, though.

Oh, my gosh, he fell!

World star. ♪