Original subtitles

KEVIN HART: Previously,

on "Real Husbands of

Hollywood"...

Y'all see the bump, don't you?

My boys can swim.

Kevin, she's not pregnant.

♪

KEVIN: After finding out

about the [beep] of the century

at the [beep] baby shower

of the century, I decided

to play it cool until all our

guests left.

Would you please be careful

with those boxes.

I don't need no more scratches

on my doors, thank you.

Well, hello, "KevLita."

You have officially arrived

and I am officially departing.

I, miha, I outdid myself this

time, if I don't say so, myself.

[chuckles]

Wait a minute--I just did.

[chuckles]

KEVIN: [imitates laughter]

So, before I go, is this

party over?

You better get your ass

outta my house, man.

Ay, I guess it is.

[imitates pumping shotgun,

shooting]

Di giorno for you, mama.

[kissing]

Bye, Kevin.

DiGiorno is a pizza.

Mmmm, it is, honey,

it is.

[laughing] Bye, darling!

Oh, he's so fabulous.

If I would have known having

a baby is so much fun, I would

have done this years ago.

[fake laugh]

Imagine how much fun it would

be, if you had a real baby.

What are you taking about?

What am I talking about?

You are such a horrible actress,

Selita.

[laughs]

Oh, my goodness, I can't believe

I let you fool me this long.

I really can't.

Stop acting silly, Kevin.

Stop being silly?

Erykah told me everything,

Selita.

Everything!

You're not really pregnant.

Do you realize what you

just did? Huh?

Yeah. Yeah.

I know what I just did.

I'll braid your little pathetic

ass and let me tell you

something--I just had every

A-list celebrity in Hollywood

at my baby shower.

I am this close...

this close...

[whispering] to hosting

the Oscars.

[gasps] What?

Why didn't you tell me?

Congratulations!

Why'd you get happy so fast?

Oh, my God.

You're insane.

Only crazy people do that.

You are gone.

Stop whinin' like

a little baby!

What am I--a real baby

or a fake baby, Selita?

Listen, mitch!

The Oscars would not give

a [beep] who you was, if it was

not for "KevLita."

[snaps fingers]

That's a lie.

[snaps fingers]

That's a lie and you know it!

Why are you doing this to

me, Selita?

[exaggerated laughter]

Evil laugh.

Cash money, Kevin.

What?

$4.5 million to be exact.

Who's that made out to?

Not you.

Okay, Selita, I'm confused.

Right now, I'm trying to wrap

my head around all this

and I can't.

Yeah, you can't.

Wait a minute, Selita,

hold on.

Is what we had even real?

[laughing]

This bump is more real

than anything we had.

Wow.

[silently mocking] Wow.

It hurt.

Oh.

That just hurt.

Yeah.

Well, I don't have to

take it!

Gimme the bump! Give--

BOTH: [yelping, screaming]

If you want the baby,

I'll give you the baby!

Take it! Take it! Take it!

Yeah, I'm gonna kill you with

them belts!

No!

Yes, I'ma do! I'ma do!

Come here!

[choking]

Yeah, I got here as

soon as--Hey!

SELITA: I'll kill you!

DUANE: Hey! Hey! Selita!

KEVIN: [screaming]

Stop it!

You're gonna mess up the bump!

He ain't worth it.

SELITA: $4.5 million

worth it!

No, no, no, no!

Hey! Hey! No! No!

No! You sit down.

Now you know this is not

the plan.

KEVIN: The plan?!

You in on this, too, Shake?

[sighs]

I shoulda known!

Yeah, me and Selita are

partners.

You didn't tell him

we were partners?

Oh, Duane's in on it.

There, I told him.

Let's take a moment to look

at Shake's shaky history.

First, there was the deal

where Shake used old people

as a slave labor force to make

his breakaway suits.

The good news is this--

no bathroom breaks.

No bathroom breaks?

They wear diapers!

[laughing]

And then there was the hotel

investment in Haiti.

You know we would have

been sittin' on gold if Wyclef

woulda won.

You mean to tell me that

the entire investment hinged

on a rapper being elected for

President?

And who gives the good deal

to Shake made for Boris

with the German mobster Udo?

Damn it!

I gave Boris the wrong paper.

He accidentally signed

the contract.

Gee, beautiful, Boris.

Man, you gotta be one of

three things to do a deal

with Shake--stupid, crazy,

or shaky yourself, and I know

Selita's not stupid.

Look, guys, hold it

together, okay?

We're right there.

Hold it, my ass, Shake.

There's no hold it together.

Okay, let's talk about

the fact that I had you in

my house playin' poker

with me, huh?

Swimmin' in my pool.

We did laps together.

Both of us, side-by-side,

like friends do.

Me talking to you about your

problems with your big-head

wife, do you remember that?

My wife don't have

a big head--she has a big face.

It doesn't matter.

The point is that I was there

for you as a friend 'cause

that's what friends do.

And I find out you're over here

doing this to me?

Unh! Unh! Unh!

That's stabbing me in my back.

Let's not cry over

spilled milk.

Well, I bet it ain't breast

milk--'cause the damn baby

ain't real.

Hey!

It ain't real. It's just a--

Don't ruin the...the baby.

I don't give a damn

what it is.

You know what, Shake,

my mind's made up--ding!

I'm about to put the pause

on you.

Oh, I hope you checked

the weather 'cause they're

calling for a thunderstorm.

[roars] Oh!

[heavy thud]

Damn, his face is hard!

For the third time, Kevin,

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.

Yes, you did, 'cause if you

didn't mean it, you wouldn't

have did it.

Where the hell'd you get this

damn steak from?

I don't even keep steaks in

my house.

Well, actually, that's

a placenta.

It's a what? Okay, get--

[placenta splats]

Are you guys done with your

mitch-fest because we've really

gotta figure out what we're

gonna do next.

I know what I'm gonna

do next.

I'm turning your ass in.

You're going to jail, Selita!

Jail!

I'm talkin' about female jail

where they don't have no hair

care products!

Yeah, that's right.

That [beep] gonna curl up

nasty style.

Yeah, yeah.

First of all, that's never

gonna happen, and if I go to

jail, smart-ass, you're coming

with me.

I ain't comin' with you.

Yeah, and you know what?

I highly doubt that people would

think that you're that stupid

that you wouldn't know that

I wasn't pregnant.

They would think that.

DUANE: Absolutely.

Everybody would think that.

They would think that.

Everybody knows I'm stupid.

DUANE: Everybody.

That's a shock?

I'll tell you what's real stupid

is that when this hits the

press, I'ma get replaced on

those Oscars by Steve Harvey!

Let me tell you something.

If you think you're gonna have

a suit on deck, you got another

think comin'.

And do you know why?

Because it's one of your deals,

another one of Shaky's

shaky deals.

Kev, if you'd just follow

my plan, you won't have to worry

about nothing.

What plan?

To ruin my [beep] life?

Kev, listen, my plan is to

make a whole lot of money and

you, my friend, you are going

to have a big chunk of it.

No, not a big chunk.

Well, I mean, look, do you

think I'm making all these deals

with General Mills, Target

and Gerber for myself?

I don't give a damn about

General Mills or--

Wait a minute, General Mills?

That's who does Honey Nut

Cheerios, right?

Yes.

Do I love Honey Nut Cheerios?

I'm there, too.

That's like, literally,

all I eat, man, like on a day-

to-day basis.

Kev, I can get you

a lifetime supply of that.

Are you serious or are you

just sayin' that?

My word is my bond, brother.

I don't know about that.

I've got pending deals with

Walmart, uh, Toys 'R Us,

Dark and Lovely for babies.

You're not understanding

the point--the point is that

we don't have a baby!

You see what I'm saying?

No vision. No vision.

You think I'm a [beep]

amateur, huh?

Natasha!

Oh, my God, that's your

maid, Shake.

I know.

Isn't it a coincidence?

She is exactly seven months

pregnant, Kev.

She's White!

That's a White woman, Shake.

Yeah, but her baby daddy

is darker than you.

Look, Kevin, all babies are

White when they're born, Kev.

What are you sayin'?

For the first few hours,

you can't even tell one from

another.

Oh, my God...

And that's all we need to get

the flicks that we want.

I can't believe what I'm

hearing, man.

You're insane.

Like, dude, she done got in your

head, too.

You're crazy.

DUANE: Come on, Kev, and

check this out.

There's another added bonus to

this whole thing, right?

You know what else we got

goin' on here?

If you name one of the twins

Pennzoil, not only will

you get--

Why would I name a baby,

which doesn't exist, by the way,

Pennzoil?

Because they're gonna pay

you $1.5 million for the name

and rights.

For the name and rights!

Well, if that's the case,

why are we only namin' one baby?

So, listen, you can go Pennzoil.

You can go Pennzoila.

I like that.

That's what I'm saying.

I think if you're gonna think,

you gotta think big--think

outside the box.

That's what I'm talking

about right here.

Oh, no, no, listen!

Forget that!

Dude, what if word gets out?

That's my ass on the line.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't anybody know anything

about this but us.

Me, you, Selita, and Natasha

and Natasha doesn't even speak

English.

Hey, Natasha, after this,

we're going to not pay you

and deport you.

[laughing]

See?

We're home free, baby.

I'm thinkin' about it.

Think about it.

SELITA: Think.

Honey Nut Cheerios for life?

For life, son.

And $1.5 a piece for

the kids' names?

$3 million.

SELITA: Yes, three. Right.

I'm in.

Ahhhh!

That's what I'm talkin' about!

Show me the money!

Come on. Come on in here.

Check it out. Check it out.

SELITA: Put it on there.

We're gonna do this,

y'all, okay?

On three.

Fake it 'til we make it.

One, two, three!

SELITA, DUANE, KEVIN:

Fake it 'til we make it!

I'm in.

Ahhhh!

That's what I'm talkin' about!

Show me the money!

Come on. Come on in here.

Check it out. Check it out.

We're gonna do this,

y'all, okay?

On three.

Fake it 'til we make it.

One, two, three!

SELITA, DUANE, KEVIN:

Fake it 'til we make it!

[laughs]

What can I say?

I mean, me and my baby...

babies...

BOTH: [laughing]

We're on top of the world,

you know?

This...this is what success

is all about.

Standin' on top of a mountain,

hearin' your peers say things

like, how did they get way

up there?

And we're like, how'd you get

way down there?

BOTH: [laughing]

Hey, Nick!

[laughs]

He's right there--so far down.

And for a sweet, innocent

girl from the Cayman Islands...

[sniffles]

...this is just a dream

come true.

Aw, I'm getting emotional.

[chuckles]

I probably timed it wrong.

♪

CROWD: [shouting comments]

KevLita!

DUANE: Ready, baby?

Game time.

KEVIN: Don't put your heel

on that.

Baby, don't put your heel

on the seats.

SELITA: Shut up, boy.

DUANE: Let's go.

SELITA: Thank you.

MAN: This way, Kevin!

DUANE: Hey, y'all got any

gum in your mouth?

If you got gum, just don't chew.

KEVIN: I've been a star

for a long time.

SELITA: Hi, guys.

KEVIN: Hi, little White boy.

SELITA: How are you?

DUANE: Can you get

the shot this way?

SELITA: Hey.

DUANE: Kev, Kev, Kev,

the baby just kicked.

KEVIN: Oh, let me kiss it.

SELITA: [laughs]

DUANE: Let's go.

Let's go, guys.

They won't be long.

They'll come back.

SELITA: Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

KEVIN: Where are you going?

Listen, everybody, I need

your attention.

Um, only those who have

the "I love KevLita" event

passes are allowed to take

pictures.

If you do not have one,

you can go to www.kevlita.com,

um, and purchase one.

All credit cards are accepted.

Okay?

[camera shutter clicks]

Hey, whoa, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, little girl.

Hey, did you just take

a picture?

Does your mommy have one

of these?

No?

Let me see that phone.

It's so beautiful.

Look at it.

[cat screeches]

DUANE: All right, everybody,

go on the website.

Purchase what you gotta

purchase.

Stay positive.

KIDS: [laughing, shouting]

KEVIN: Duane, can you

please...

Hey, Annie, Annie.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Thank you, guys.

SELITA: Oh, Kevin, they think

you're one of them.

KEVIN: Okay. Hey.

I am so excited to see all you

guys and have a bunch of--

Duane, you gotta clear this.

You gotta clear this out.

BOY: Peeee.

KEVIN: Excuse me.

Hey, why is he smellin' my ass?

SELITA: Hi. I love your hair.

KEVIN: You gotta knock

him down.

Oh, man, let me tell you

something.

This is a great sight to see.

SELITA: This is awesome.

Soon. Soon enough.

Come here, baby.

[kisses]

SELITA: Hi, guys. Hi!

Oh, my God, you are

so cute! [laughing]

Thank you. Thank you.

Selita!

What are you doing? What?

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

What do you mean what am

I doing?

You just gave birth.

Tuck it up.

Oh, my God.

Tuck it up. Get it in there.

Just get it in there.

The little boy's trying

to see it.

I'm sorry.

Fix it.

Oh, my God.

Get yourself together.

BOTH: [laughing]

We get frisky sometimes.

KEVIN: Oh, my goodness.

Will you watch it.

I'm sorry.

Well, watch it.

SELITA: Hi, guys.

It did? Oh, my God.

That would have been a tragedy.

This little baby right here

is something else, huh?

Get him outta my way.

SELITA: Where are you

guys from?

We're just from the Valley.

Oh, my God, the baby

came out!

ADULTS & KIDS: [shouting]

Selita! Move!

Oh, my God!

What the...?

Oh, my goodness! Oh, my God!

ADULTS & KIDS: [screaming]

KEVIN: It's around my neck!

Duane! Duane!

Get these cameras!

Duane!

DUANE: I'm here!

KEVIN: Get the cameras!

DUANE: Security! Security!

Hey, gimme that! Gimme that!

Duane, get these kids

outta here!

Just close your eyes!

Close your eyes!

Gimme that!

KEVIN: Pull it off!

SELITA: Close your eyes!

No cameras! No cameras!

KEVIN: Pull it off!

All right.

That is not a real baby!

Let me explain--

which is on DVD right now.

The point I was trying to

make is this...

this is a real baby!

ADULTS: [gasping]

It's a twin!

Congratulations, KevLita!

Oh, honey.

Okay?

Everybody here is a witness.

You should all feel

blessed.

You should all feel blessed.

KEVIN: This is amazing.

Okay, they're not buying it.

We gotta get outta here.

SELITA: [screams]

KEVIN: Go! Go! Go!

CROWD: [screaming, shouting]

I think my water just broke.

Either that or I just peed

myself.

Ah, it's urine. I peed myself.

♪

WOMAN ON TV: Tenemos

noticias que nos llegan

directamente desde Hollywood.

Man, Spanish channel got some

fine newscasters.

Oh, hi, boss.

Hey, Trina's been--

Oliver, before you say

anything, get your ass out.

Out. Up. Out, Oliver. Thank you.

Trina's been calling

you since--

Oliver, get your...

get your ass out.

She said it's important.

Oliver, get out!

Go see a movie.

All right. What movie?

Oliver, get your ass out!

Right now!

OLIVER: Goin' to see a movie.

Just wanna talk.

I know what she's sayin'.

Trina probably callin' to let me

know how big of an idiot I am.

I cannot believe that I let

y'all talk me into this [beep].

Now everybody in the world

knows, you know that?

Everybody in the damn world

knows.

Everybody!

Thank you! Thank you!

Duane, how could you let

this happen?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, listen.

I wasn't the one whose uterus

fell out on the Gymboree

floor, okay?

Do you know how hard it was

to find someone ignorant enough

not to know that I wasn't

pregnant?

Ignorant?

Yeah, ignorant.

Ya wanna talk about ignorant?

No, no, it's not ignorant.

It's ig-nant.

Let's talk about stupid.

Stupid? That's a good word.

Talk about a stupid girl

who carried two fake babies

in her stomach.

Let's talk about that!

Oh! Oh! It was my idea?

Yeah, that was your idea.

Look, guys--

It was your greedy ass!

Off!

Oh, really, honey?

You don't got the remote

for this!

Really?

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

I got the remote!

Let me tell you something--

There's the remote

and it ain't that--

Relax!

You relax!

I've been down by 20 points

in the 4th quarter and still

won the game.

What?

You're off, too.

This is not basketball.

I am not Michael Jordan.

You do not have on basketball

sneaks and there are no courts

in this room.

Kevin. Kevin.

This is real life!

It happened in Gymboree

in the Valley.

We are not gonna end up

on the 6 o'clock news, okay?

This is not the time to panic!

How do you know that?!

You don't know that!

You don't know anything!

You just assume!

--donde Kevin Hart y Selita

Ebanks, también conocida como

Kevlita; resulta que el estómago

falso de Kevlita se ha caído al

piso--

KEVIN: [laughing]

Oh, wow.

Oh, my God.

Not gonna end up on the news.

--y pues la verdad que esto

ha sido una mentira para los--

Uh-huh.

Now's the time to panic.

You think?

This so much bigger than

what y'all think it is.

See, it's not what y'all think

that we thought that we thought

it was.

It's bigger than that.

It's what we think it is.

We're talking about my career.

I'm never gonna get to host

the Oscars now.

That's right--I can kiss

the Oscars goodbye.

So, thank you.

Kevin. Kevin.

Sit your ass down! Sit down!

You know what? You're right.

You're never gonna host

the Oscars.

There, it went off,

light bulb, bam!

You're never gonna host.

So, sit your ass down.

And you, snap out of it!

Let me tell you what's really

gonna happen right now.

You go run and go get my money

because we had a deal.

Now you, Mr. Genius, "follow

my plan," well, come on with

the plan, Mr. Genius.

There ain't no more plans.

Will you shut Lisa Raye up!

Run, go get my money!

Ain't no--

[claps hands]

Run, go get my money!

Come on. Come on.

We need to come up with a plan.

Come on.

Why are y'all watching TV

in Spanish?

Ooh, that's "Dynasty."

[laughs]

You told me she didn't

talk English, Shake.

I've been Schwarzeneggered.

By the way, who's gonna

pay me?

[Beep], she's got some nerve.

TV NEWSCASTER: Breaking news.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

The Motion Picture Academy

of Arts and Sciences announced

today that they are rescinding

their offer to comedian

Kevin Hart to host this year's

Academy Awards.

Mr. Hart's representatives

could not be reached for

comment.

Re-sending it?

When did you send it? Huh?

What address did you send it to?

You probably sent it when I was

at a store addressing

the fake baby fallin' outta

somebody's stomach!

We woulda had some dumb kids.

[laughing]

[doorbell rings]

It's over for you, homie.

You hear me! Over for you!

DUANE: I'ma fix this.

SELITA: You better.

Give me a minute.

[sighs]

Just give me a minute.

[breathlessly] Kevin,

I've been trying to reach you

all day!

Okay, all right, I want you to

brace yourself, okay?

Great news.

The Academy called...

and you are hosting the Oscars.

Can you believe it?

You did it!

[laughing]

Aren't you excited?

Ahhhhh!

Let's celebrate.

Come in.

All right, come on,

let's do it!

I'm gonna make you a drink.

[sobs, screams] ♪