Original subtitles

♪ This is the life

♪ We've got the life

♪ This is the city

♪ Where we party every night

♪ Party every night

♪ We do indeed

♪ Now let's go

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

[overlapping chatter]

Do you know if it's a boy

or a girl?

I can't tell.

[man] Who's the dress by?

It's couture.

[woman] Eva, who's hosting?

I'm hosting.

It's at Tisha's though.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey.

What's up, Eva?

Oh, I see you went ahead

and got that facelift I

suggested-- It's cute.

Now is not the time, now is

not the time.

Okay, I'm just messing with

you, girl-- Calm down.

Oh, God.

All right, so where's Nicole?

You didn't hear?

She had to check herself into

a hospital.

What?

Yeah, apparently she has this

nut allergy

and somebody sent her an

almond butter cookie bouquet.

Hmm, who would do that?

She knew I was allergic to

nuts.

I'ma kill you, Tisha.

I swear before God I'm gonna

[bleep] you up.

All right, I'll be back.

All right.

Hey, do you have any

allergies, by the way?

What?

Never mind-- Do your

interview-- It's okay.

[overlapping chatter]

Hi, I'm Roshumba Williams for

the NCredible Network

reporting live from the

social event of the year,

the baby shower of

Hollywood's newest power couple

Kevlita.

And I just happen to be

standing here

with the man without whom

none of this would be possible,

the Kev in Kevlita, Kevin

Hart.

Thank you, Robitussin.

Hey, what's going on, America?

How's everybody doing?

Kevlita Baby Food is good eating

from the birth till they lay

you down in the earth.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

You wanna try some?

No.

No, I know how you models

are-- You need to eat.

No, no, no.

Don't you try to throw it up.

Here.

No, I'm cool.

So Kevin, what do you say to

your detractors who claim

that this pregnancy is nothing

but a brazen money grab?

Well, I don't think my

contract has ever said that

because I haven't talked to them

since I gave them money for the

job they did.

And as far as a money grab,

let me tell you something.

What y'all need to be grabbing

is these Kevlita Baby Bonds,

okay?

And that's good at Penn State

and the state pen!

We out here doing it, baby.

Yeah, I'm sure they'll mature

faster than you will.

Okay, Rwanda.

My name is Roshumba, idiot.

What kind of last name is

that?

Why would you do that?

[man] Kevin! Hey!

Hey.

What's happening, man?

What's going on?

Yo, yo, why the hell are we

here?

First of all, I'm thinkin'

the same damn thing.

Why aren't you wearin' the

Armani suits that I sent you?

Listen, that is a major

sponsor of mine.

Y'all are costing me a lot of

money right now.

What money are you talking

about?

I didn't get no damn check.

I got my own clothing line.

How am I gonna wear Armani?

World of Alpha.com, you know it.

Okay, Boris, that is the last

time you're gonna plug that.

Yo, besides all that, man,

this ain't no wedding, this

is a baby shower.

So, then why the hell you

come dressed like you live

in Gotham City, Batman?

Hey, look, baby shower,

funeral, same attire, Joker.

Joker?

[overlapping chatter]

This is a tie-dyed sponsor

with a light linen pant.

You are ridiculous.

What's up, [bleep] monster?

This is some straight mitch

[bleep].

Four men and a baby shower.

[overlapping chatter]

Hi, Kevin.

Oh, my God.

Okay, listen, listen.

Uh-uh.

What is that?

[man] Nadine, come, mija.

Why does it taste like guava?

Ooh-wee! Yo, you know what?

I don't know about the baby

shower, but I do see my future

baby mama.

Trouble, trouble.

Trouble?

Trouble.

I like trouble.

No, you don't.

Kevin, I need to talk to you

right now.

What you need to do is lower

your tone in front

of all of these people.

Listen, come on.

Ow! Trina-- Ow!

Damn you-- Ow!

Stop it, Trina, you hurting me!

This is nothing compared to

what Selita is going to

do to you.

Did you get the pre-bump

agreement?

Did you get her to sign it?

I'm not going to ask no black

woman to sign no pre-bump.

What, are you trying to get me

a pre-bump on the head?

No, I'm not.

I'm tryin' to look out for you.

I am the only one trying to

look out-- Look around you.

Will you stop overreacting,

Trina?

It is not that serious.

We are just havin' a baby.

It's not like we getting

married.

No, but you are cohabitating

and--

Let me stop you right there.

Let me stop you right there

'cause you sound ignorant.

Cohabitating is when a bear and

a lion take a walk and go

take a nap in a cave.

That's what cohabitating is.

Okay.

I think you're referring to the

word "hibernate."

I think you're wrong again.

But that is not between a

bear and a lion--

Hibernate-- hibernate is when

it's one animal.

It's when it's one.

Co is when it's two.

What, did you go to school?

Did you?

Okay, fine, fine.

You are cohibernating in

California

and this is a palimony state,

which means that when things go

south, you are going to

have to pay, pal.

Listen, we're shacking up in

California.

And?

It's a palimony state.

Which means that I'm going to

make a pile of money!

I'ma keep you.

You know what I'm saying?

You know I get a percentage.

All right, so I'm going to

need you two to sign right here

and right here

and the baby shower of the

century will officially

be on the NCredible Network.

Nick.

Love the doing business with

you, Nick.

Who gets the check?

Oh, I'll take-- Hey!

That would be me-- Thank you.

$4.5 million.

Yeah.

I would have preferred cash,

Nick.

[laughing]

Remember when we broke up

and I said I wish you would die?

I do.

Yeah, um, I'm glad you

didn't.

Didn't I tell you don't

use my bathroom upstairs?

Oh, what in the Fudgsicle is

going on in here?

♪

Why you in there hugging

Nick?

It was a friendly hug.

That didn't look like no

friendly hug.

It looked like a nasty hug.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I'm carrying your babies.

I don't like it and that's

how I feel.

Baby.

What?

If I see you doing it again,

I'ma get a blood test.

[laughing]

You're so cute when you're

jealous, honey.

Come on.

Oh.

Uh, what kind of freaky baby

shower is this?

It's performance art,

darling.

It's called Labor Pains.

She gonna have a bunch of

pain with her thong in her ass

if that's the case.

♪

I don't like none of this.

All this, look like a--

Oh, Lord, that's the only thing

going good in here.

Trouble, trouble.

Can I offer you fellas a

vagatini?

I sure will take one.

Wet.

Always.

Always?

Mm-hmm.

My wife's a vegetarian.

Did she say always?

To my wife Shahida.

Oh, please.

Close your mouths-- You're

about to catch something

you don't want.

What?

An ass whooping.

Oh, Lord. Oh!

See, that's why I don't even

look.

Ti-Ti, it was them-- I wasn't

looking.

Nothing's going on over here.

I call her Visa.

Why?

Because she's everywhere you

wanna be.

Oh, [bleep], you need to

start carrying cash.

[Selita] Whoo!

Oh, baby, this my song.

What-- What are you doing?

Come on, Kev.

Selita?

Come get some of this, baby--

Come get some of this.

What are you doing?

No! What you-- What you-- No!

Look at me.

What, I'm dancing.

No, you're not dan-- Girl,

you are twerking.

Uh-huh.

Stop, baby, you'll tweak the

babies.

Oh, honey, please-- These

Ebanks babies.

I'm sorry-- what?

They're tough.

No, no, those are Hart

babies, okay?

Okay, you right.

So that makes them baby mitches,

right?

I'm sorry, what did you just

call my babies?

Oh, relax, Kevin.

Have fun.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is fun bad for the babies too?

I can't deal with your little

ass.

Selita, I didn't say that--

Selita!

Don't you leave me on this damn

floor by myself.

Yeah, it's cool 'cause I'm just

gonna pop that thing

and make you jealous.

Pop it.

And I'm popped.

Hi, Kevin.

Hey.

Dance with me, Kevin.

Hey, Nadine, I don't really

think that's a good idea.

Why?

You know why, Nadine.

You mean, you don't want to

join me in the bedroom?

No, I just don't feel like

that's a-- that's a--

I don't think that's a wise

decision.

Come on, Kevin.

This may change your life.

♪

Uh...

♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you guys

see that?

See what?

What are you seeing, JB?

Know what? Nothing.

Don't worry about it.

[overlapping chatter]

Maybe he's using the head.

♪

[laughing]

I know you saw that.

JB, see what?

What are you talking about?

What are you seeing, JB?

Let's just say this baby

shower about to turn into a

tsunami.

♪

[quiet chatter]

[Nadine] I was out of

contact.

Only in intensity can we stand.

This is a spiritual technique

that will reach you to

the stars--

What kind of freaky [bleep]

is going on here?

Oh, Bridgette, thank God

you're here!

This here is Scientology stuff.

And I'm talking about our God,

not your God.

That's close enough.

Stop it.

Bridgette, put him down.

I will not.

I got you, baby.

Thank you.

Nothing is going on here.

We're having a spiritual

clearing, that's all.

Don't look her in the eye--

Don't look her in the eye.

I'm not joining nothing.

Don't put that in my face.

That's my book.

You listen to me.

We gonna get out of here.

And if you follow us, I'ma have

seven Jehovah's Witnesses

at your doorstep by 4 a.m.

I put that on Kwanzaa-- Don't

you try me.

Not her.

Come on, baby.

Kevin, come with me to the

celebrity center.

You come with you to hell!

Kevin, if you start listening

to me, I wouldn't have to

save you from situations--

Well, she-- I thought she was

gonna go up there and get nasty.

[overlapping chatter]

[Tisha] Everybody, gather

'round.

Come on, you guys-- It's shower

game time.

[cheering, clapping]

And our game master will be Mr.

Eloquence!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Miss Tisha.

You're welcome.

Well, hello, my children.

It's time to play some baby

shower games.

[cheers and applause]

Yes, are you excited?

Yes!

Everybody excited?

[cheering]

Okay, that's what I wanted to

hear.

But, you know, I have news for

you-- These shower games are

not for babies.

What good is having a shower

if you're not willing to get

dirty, am I right, people?

[hooting and hollering]

Okay.

Our first game is called "A Hole

in One."

♪ See what type of games

♪ You playing now

♪ See what type of games

♪ You playing now

♪ See what type of games

♪ You playing now

♪ Gotta make my next move

[Tisha] Stick it in the hole,

yes!

That's what I'm talking about.

You gotta put it there!

I can't get it in!

Put it in!

Go, go!

Get it, y'all.

♪

Everybody move!

She pregnant-- Move!

She pregnant!

Yeah!

[laughter]

Yeah!

We the winners!

Yes!

In your face!

♪ You just got played

♪ Checkmate

♪ Check

Now this game is called "Grab

Some, Get Some."

[cheers and applause]

I see my guys have their

blindfolds on.

Now I need my ladies to mix it

up.

This is all about grabbing some

new stuff.

Now the idea of this game is to

grab some

and if you're lucky, get some.

[cheers and applause]

Now I want you to grab as many

clothespins as you can in

30 seconds, so on my count--

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No.

Bridgette, you gotta move.

Well, Eloquence said we're

supposed to mix it up.

Move your thick ass outta the

way!

I don't want you in front of my

man-- Move.

Don't want nobody want

Dwayne.

Dwayne, you don't want to be

in front of nobody else, right?

I mean, I just want to go

with what the rules are--

Dwayne!

I said no.

She ain't in front of me, is

she?

Nelly, shut your ass up.

Everybody, here we go,

ready... Set....

30 seconds and go!

[cheering]

Kevin, stay away from me!

No, right here-- Not my face,

fool-- You ain't got--

What the hell are you doing?

I don't think she got no

clips on!

No, get it, get it, get it,

baby.

Get it, baby, get it, baby!

Get it, baby!

I got it-- I got it!

Yo, yo, yo, yo!

[cheers and applause]

♪ What I really want is

♪ Cash and cars

♪ What I really want is

♪ Diamond rings

♪ And what I really want is

♪ Somebody who can trust it

♪ And never be--

[Mr. Eloquence] [whistling]

Oye!

Gracias.

Well, everyone, it's time to

open gifts.

[cheering]

So I'd like to bring up our

guest of honor here,

Miss Selita.

Would you come and take your

seat here?

[cheers and applause]

[Kevin] That's mine.

That's mine.

[laughing]

Okay, Miss Tisha, I think

we're ready for our first gift.

Okay, let's--

Hey, Tisha, let me

stop you for a second, baby.

I'ma start it off a little

different.

Uh, you know what?

I think the first gift should be

my gift.

Yeah, yeah.

That's what I'm gonna do, babe.

Babe, I just want to tell you

that having this baby

is the securest decision that

you've made because I take care

of mine, people, you hear me?

[crowd] Aw...

That's bottom line, guys.

I want to say that I've already

given you the biggest gift of

all, which is my sperm.

Ew!

But my second gift is just as

amazing as the first.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some

noise for my gift.

Erykah Badu!

[cheering and applauding]

Hey, go sit down.

Go sit down!

Sit.

Sit your drunk ass down,

Bridget.

Sit down.

Mother Earth is so pleased

with your creation.

Oh, thank you.

I just want you to know that.

Thank you so much.

Do you know what song I would

love for you to sing for me?

Oh, I'm not here to sing,

sweetheart.

You gotta pay for that.

Pbbt!

Excuse me?

Yeah, uh, that wasn't in the

budget, baby.

What Erykah's gonna do is read

our babies.

Right.

So much better than a song.

Mm-hmm.

How you gonna read our babies

if they're not born yet?

Oh, it's just simple.

I just put my hand on your tummy

and I feel their vibe.

[spitting]

Hold up, how you gonna read

our babies if they're not born

yet?

Oh, it's just simple.

I just put my hand on your tummy

and I feel their vibe.

[spitting]

I need everybody to be quiet.

You know what?

[clearing her throat]

I don't think today is a good

day for a reading, actually.

I'm really not feeling well.

Baby, it's already been paid

for-- Let her do it.

[overlapping chatter]

Selita, sit down-- Let her read.

- No, no, I really gotta go.

Please.

Mercury is just out of

retrograde.

It's the best day for a reading.

Please, I already cut the

check.

Please, have a seat.

Please-- It's your day.

Sit back and relax, okay?

Okay.

So, can I have some water?

Yes.

[J.B.] Her water broke!

Her water broke, everybody!

Get a hot towel.

No, I just need some water

for her to drink.

That's-- Move, girl.

Good, good, good-- Thank you.

She can't drink that.

And don't worry about

anything-- I'm a doula.

Oh, oh, don't touch me, then.

Oh, I mean-- I'm sorry.

I don't mean that.

What I mean is that maybe if you

sang me a song

that I would feel better.

Yes, song!

Singer, sing!

Hey, hey, hey, don't nobody

else use the word "song."

Just drink your water, sit

back and relax.

Close your eyes like you're

meditating.

Good.

Oh, [bleep].

♪

I feel...

Hmm, I feel...

Two strong babies in here.

And one just kicked.

What?

I mean--

Yes, one just kicked.

Feet-- They got feet.

Oh, these babies are strong.

But they're short.

Like their daddy.

Mm-hmm.

And they are vivacious.

One dark-skinned, one

light-skinned.

My hands.

That's 'cause of the way my

hands are.

Oh, they have really strong

auras.

They're going to be brilliant.

Born under the Capricorn moon.

Yes.

That's horses, ain't it?

That is special.

Yes.

Yes, congratulations.

Everyone, give them a hand.

[applauding]

Yo, this Erykah is scamming

harder than we are.

She almost had me believe that

there's some babies in there.

Talking about a six-pound piece

of silicone.

"Will be born under"-- this is

her hair--

"Underneath the Capricorn moon"

and it moves, too, while she's

talking.

Let me tell you what sign

those babies are going to be

born under, all right?

These babies are going to be

born under a dollar sign.

And if you don't believe me,

Erykah, you better call Tyrone.

All right, this next gift--

Why do you have to yell all

the time?

Shut up!

God.

This next gift is from

Babymart and it is a brand-new

nursery complete with a crib,

a changing table, a rocking

chair, swing, playpen, and free

two-year diaper cleaning

service.

Girl, they hooked you up!

[cheering, applauding]

[Eva] I love those sponsors,

honey.

That's what they gave me, the

same thing.

[Kevin] I love it.

Whoo! Okay.

This next gift is from Eva.

Yes, it's from me.

Oh, ain't this cute.

Mm-hmm.

We'll open it later.

Let's focus on the sponsored

gifts.

That's a good idea.

Sit your ass down, Eva.

Just-- So you don't mix that

up with anything else,

just put that in the bag.

All right.

Rude.

We all know who this gift is

from, don't we?

You know they give good gifts,

honey.

They give good gifts!

All right, next we have a custom

baby car seat from Aston

Martin-- That's cute.

Nice!

That also comes with a brand-new

Aston Martin parked right out

front!

[excited screaming]

[overlapping chatter]

That's right!

[cheers and applause]

You look good in it!

Thank you, darling, thank

you, thank you.

You sure know how to throw a

shower.

This is pretty amazing.

This is real sweet of you.

You have a good heart, Kevin.

Thank you, thank you.

You do.

Hey, listen, Erykah.

Uh, I know you do readings and

I know you just did it for

Selita.

Do you mind doing my reading?

Okay.

Do I close my eyes or just...

You just...

Stand here?

Yeah.

Okay.

Let's see.

You are not the father.

You're not.

You mean that somebody else

is having my babies or like--?

Nobody's having your babies.

Kevin, I didn't want to

embarrass you in front of

everybody, but she's

not pregnant.

♪

I'm sorry. ♪