Original subtitles

♪ This is the life

♪ We've got the life

♪ This is the city

♪ Where we party every night

♪ Party every night

♪ We do indeed

♪ Now let's go

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ I'm Mrs. Popular

♪ When I walk in they all stir

♪ Driving 'em wild no chauffer

♪ Flashy shoes, exotic furs ♪

Tisha?

Nicole!

What's up, baby?

Hi, did Xen start his music

class?

Oh, please.

He got kicked out.

I don't even want to talk

about it.

What are you doing here?

Well, Duane has me hosting

Selita's baby shower.

Really?

Yeah.

That's really odd, because

he told me you weren't

interested, and that he needed

me to host the baby shower.

No, Duane didn't tell you

that, Nicole.

That was Shake.

Shake, his alter-ego.

The lying one that uses my ATM

too much.

Well, which one of us is

Shake lying to?

Both of you.

♪

Who are you?

Eva Marcille.

[both] Oh!

You're the, um, the girl with

the boy body that won the

modeling show, right?

Yeah!

You change your name or

something?

Yeah, she's French now.

Right, okay.

So, hey, I'm Tisha, girl--

I know exactly who you are,

girl.

Look, when I was 12, I grew up

watching your reruns.

I had a "Martin" lunch pail and

everything.

I used to love you.

Huh-- You used to...

Strike one.

Hi, I'm Nicole.

I know who you are, too.

Oh, really?

Who am I?

Well, now that I get a really

good look at you, I'd say lucky.

I mean, I guess Boris really

needed that green card, huh?

♪

Oh!

Oh, she's crazy.

Strike two.

Oh, she crazy all right.

And crazy [bleep] get stitches.

Yeah, you know what it is,

Nicole?

Help me.

They're models and they're

[both] Hungry.

'Cause she needs to be skinny

to wear bull[bleep] like that.

That's what it must be.

So, it goes to their head?

Whatever.

Excuse me, excuse me.

What the hell?

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus, thank you.

I swear, they do not make $3,000

"Manilla Blankos" like they

used to.

[chuckling]

You mean Manolo Blahniks?

[cackling]

[chuckling sarcastically]

No, I mean, Blankos.

Well, you two wouldn't know that

because you guys are old

Negroes.

[both] Strike three.

[bleep], you're out.

First of all, let me tell you

something, little girl--

[Nadine] Excuse me, ladies.

Um, excuse me, sorry.

I'm looking for Selita Ebanks?

Nadine?

Eva!

Hey, girl!

Hey!

You are giving me life.

How are you?

Yeah!

[both] Mwah, mwah!

Of course these two know

each other.

And, girl, no you did not get

the last pair of

seven-and-a-halfs in those

Manolo Blankos.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Blank-hos?

Hi.

Who are you?

Oh, my goodness.

Pam!

I still have my "Martin"

lunch pail!

Wow.

Oh, my-- that's so sweet.

Is it your baby shower, too?

What the hell?

Is there a strike four in

baseball?

No, but you can hit the

batter.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Ladies, I don't mean any

disrespect at all, but I swear

to God, I became an actress

because of you.

I was like, if she can do it,

I can do it.

And Nicole Ari-Parkinson.

Wow.

This is so amazing.

This is like the house that the

'90s built.

Oh, did she just insult me?

Just walk away.

Why are you here?

Um, because Duaney called me.

♪

He wanted me to host this baby

shower for Selita, and your baby

shower too--

My-- I'm not having no baby!

That's number one.

Number two, why is my husband,

"Duaney," calling you in the

first place?

He only called me because

I'm Kevin's friend.

That's it.

[Bridgette] Girl, that's

a lie.

Kevin don't have no friends,

just [bleep] buddies.

I know, I used to be one

before we got married.

Hey, Girl.

Hey, Bridgette.

What's going on?

Hey, sis.

I can't call him.

Hey.

I'm gonna need a ride later,

y'all.

You know I got dropped off.

Again?

My [bleep] broke down.

Oh!

Look at what reality TV

dragged in.

If it isn't Evaline!

Actually, reality TV drove me

here in that Mercedes out front.

Look.

Oh, I see a little "C" class.

"S."

"E."

Hmm.

And I like your little dress.

I wouldn't do it, but it's cute

for you.

Whatever.

So what, did Duane invite you

here to host, too?

♪

Actually, Duane told me to

come down here and do what I do

best-- [bleep] [bleep] up.

And for that fat check, I'm

gonna [bleep] up, down,

sideways, you name it.

What you wanna do?

Hi, ladies.

Hi, "mommy"!

[all] Hi!

Air kisses.

[Nadine] This is Selita?

This is her?

That's Selita.

You look beautiful.

Yes, hi, gorgeous.

Hi.

Listen, ladies, I just really

wanted to thank you all for

for helping me with my baby

shower.

I know Tisha and-- what's your

name again?

Nicole.

Oh, that's right-- Nicole.

I know you guys are so busy

with your mommy scheduling and,

of course, Eva and Nadine,

I know you guys are in the

middle of production.

And, Bridgette. [sighs]

Honey, I know you were doing

something with Kevin's money,

but I can't figure out what.

Don't act like you're not

doing the same thing.

Let's just get this paper.

You know what?

Speaking of paper, ladies...

Yes!

What-- what's that?

I have your contracts here...

Oh, yeah.

For you to sign, okay?

How about that?

Wait.

Thank you, honey.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm gonna give this to you.

Absolutely.

Contracts.

My name is Trina Shaw.

I'm representing Kevin and

Selita in this venture.

Go ahead, please read over

the agreement.

And just as soon as you get it

signed, we can go ahead and get

you your checks.

Oh wait, it looks good to me.

Just hand me a pen.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, Trina, before

we sign, can one of you tell us

who's hosting this baby shower?

Yes, yes.

Uh, who gives a [bleep]?

Let's just get paid.

Listen, ladies, I really

don't care who hosts.

My suggestion is, it's the

prettier one.

OH, I'm hosting?

No, that would be me.

That's me.

By the way...

[laughing]

Listen, I don't like pastels.

I despise cheap lighting.

[coughing] Diva!

Excuse me.

Well, not all of us can

be it.

And I don't like satin.

No satin.

Ladies, more importantly,

I don't eat shellfish.

I'm allergic.

Oh, you have nothing to worry

about with that, okay?

'Cause I am allergic to

shellfish, too.

I would never serve it.

Oh.

One would think you would never

wear cobalt blue.

But there you are.

What's cobalt blue have to do

with anything?

I don't know.

Anyway, ladies, ta-ta.

I don't get it.

"Access Hollywood" is

calling.

[mockingly] "Access

Hollywood" is calling.

Ciao.

All right, ladies.

I just want to call your

attention to some points in the

baby shower agreement.

First of all, there will be

interviews, and in each one of

these interviews, you will be

referring to Selita as, quote,

"Your best friend for life."

Okay, that's very important.

Well, I don't even know who

the [bleep] is.

I just met the girl.

'Cause I come from the old

school, okay?

I have no idea.

I don't even--

I'm her best friend.

I'm just saying.

Nonetheless, nonetheless,

that is the verbiage that we

will be going with.

It is "best friends for life"...

Actresses, girls.

Okay? Thank you.

Let's play our parts.

[Nicole] Trina?

Yes?

What's up with the NDA?

[Eva] NDA?

Um, an NDA-- oh, that's a

non-disclosure agreement.

I'm sorry, for all the models at

the table.

Ha!

No, no, no, I do daytime TV.

Not too much.

You must want to get punched

in the face.

I'm sorry, that's just a

compliment.

Sweetheart, you're gorgeous,

wonderful frame.

Don't-- don't worry about it.

All right, moving on to the

next section,

This is a very key point.

At no time, and I mean

absolutely no time, will any of

you look better than Selita.

[all scoffing]

Baby, you can go ahead and

sue me now.

Impossible.

[laughter]

Oh.

Oh, is it impossible?

Look at me.

I'm gonna think you wanna

look that over just one more

time, 'cause it is a $20,000

check.

♪

I could have a bad hair day,

though, run that back.

Wow, that was quick.

There you go.

I said-- let me see--

Just give it a little--

a second--

That's all right.

I'm gonna let my attorney look

at it.

I don't do legal stuff.

Fantastic.

There's a pen, just in case you

decide to sign it while you're

here.

Okay, great.

Thank you so much, ladies.

I said my lawyer.

I'm not signing this right now.

Girl, it was good to see you!

Thank you, eager beaver.

They say you can never be too

skinny or too rich.

Well, with an ass like mine and

a jackass like Kevin, I gots to

go for rich.

♪

Anyway, ladies, ta-ta.

"Access Hollywood" is calling.

[mockingly] "Access

Hollywood" is calling.

Ciao.

Okay, okay, look.

Who am I, who am I?

♪

"Okay, um, but most importantly,

I'm allergic to shellfish.

Okay?"

Well, I'll tell you what she's

not allergic to is bull[bleep].

Yeah, and how can she be

allergic to shellfish when she's

pregnant by a shrimp?

[Nadine] Hello, Kevin's no

shrimp.

Wait, what?

No, he's not.

He's like this big, girl.

That's my baby's daddy,

[bleep].

You better watch your mouth.

[overlapping shouting]

[Tisha] Ladies, ladies,

hello!

Let's not fall for the

okey-doke, okay?

This is orchestrated by Duane.

He wants there to be conflict

at this party, okay?

So let's just play our roles

and get paid.

That's the only reason why

I'm here.

Well, Tisha, what are our

roles?

Well, you are obviously a gay

man in a woman's body.

[scoffing] No you didn't.

Nicole, you're playing the

role of the older, mature,

mother-hen-type character.

Older? Older?

Yes.

And, Bridgette, yeah, you're

just ratchet.

Girl, I ain't ratchet.

Yeah.

Yes?

What about me?

Oh, you play that spicy

Mexican role.

I'm not Mexican.

I'm Puerto Rican.

Not in L.A., you're not.

[all laughing]

You know what, Pam, you look

more Mexican than I do.

Pam?

Mexicana Pam.

Listen, let me tell you

something--

Pamela.

Okay, I just want to know who

died and made you the head

[bleep] in charge?

[Bridgette] Who cares?

Let's just get this paper!

[all shouting]

[Nicole] Ladies, ladies!

Guys!

Listen!

Can't we just take a minute

and breathe?

Oh, it's gonna be real hard for

Tisha to breathe with my Blankos

in her mouth.

♪

Now, let's go over a couple

of things.

First of all, they're gonna ask

me all the questions, babe.

It's just the nature of the

business and how it goes,

all right?

I'm sure they're gonna want

to talk to me too, considering

I am the one that's pregnant.

Yeah, but you got that way by

a big star.

Big, Kevin?

I'm just trying to prepare you,

babe, all right?

Right.

I don't want you to get upset

on TV and mess with-- drop this

little Hart, okay?

Because that's my heart.

Selita!

Hey!

Hey, Selita!

Billy!

Oh, my gosh.

How are you?

You are a sight for

sore eyes.

Look at that little bump!

Hey, listen, this is great.

This is gonna be harmless.

Mm-hmm.

Get you mic'd up over here--

Billy, Billy, Billy, Billy.

Hey.

Hey, I want to go over a

couple things with you, too.

Hey, what's up?

I-- who are you?

♪

[scoffing]

I'm Kevin Hart, I'm your star.

That's my seed, son.

A-ha.

You brought your buddy.

This is-- he's cute!

Listen, we got a green room

around the corner.

We got cookies back there.

You like licorice?

I don't want no damn

licorice.

They got licorice-- yeah.

No, I don't want that.

Okay, we'll talk to you in a

minute, all right?

Listen...

Hold on.

This is gonna be easy,

harmless little thing, okay?

Okay.

I'll ask you a few questions

about the baby shower, the due

date--

Uh-huh.

Why Kevin?

Oh. [chuckling]

And then we're going to take

a little commercial break.

We'll come back...

Mm-hmm.

And we'll do the live

sonogram.

This is Blake.

He'll put a mic on you right--

Wait, hold up, Blake.

Uh, the what?

♪

[Kevin] Selita!

Selita!

Yo.

What did you just say to my

girl, Billy?

Nothing.

I told her we were gonna give

her a sonogram.

You just offered the mother

of my child drugs, man?

Ho-- hold on.

You don't know what a sonogram

is, do you?

I know if it comes in a gram

that you don't give it to a

pregnant woman.

Hey, back up, man.

Billy, don't put your hands

on me!

What?

Yo, you don't want this type

of access, because this is not

Hollywood, baby.

Oh! Oh! [groaning]

Who taught you that, Billy?

The Rock was here yesterday

and he showed me.

You got round one,

Billy Bushwick.

Understand something.

There's 33 rounds in boxing.

I'll be back, baby.

And I could have had this job,

but I turned it down 'cause

I don't work with white walls!

♪

Hey, Selita!

[bleep], Selita!

[groaning]

Hey, girl.

Would you stop it?

Hey.

What is going on? What--

Hi, honey, I didn't hear you.

Um, it's nothing, I just-- you

know, I have a surprise for you

and I just didn't want to freak

you out on national television.

What is it?

Well, Kevin, we're not just

having one baby.

We're having two!

Surprise!

That-- that can't be right.

We only did it once.

Well, maybe you did it once

because you were asleep half the

time, but I did all the work.

But, hey, that doesn't matter.

It's done, we're having twins.

[squeaking]

I know it!

I was speechless at first, too.

It's amazing.

No--

Listen... I'll see you

at home.

Make sure you bring me home

some diamonds.

Okay, great.

Twins?

How I'm supposed to have twins?

Ahh!

♪

[Tisha] I reconvened the

ladies today at Kevin's house.

I wanted to see who took their

party-planning duties that

I assigned seriously.

And, of course, who has taste

and who doesn't.

Judging by their dress and

behavior the first time we met,

I already have a pretty good

idea.

Like, so many times--

[Tisha] Ladies, ladies,

ladies, ladies!

So, what ya got?

Huh? Come on.

Well, Ti-Ti...

Yes?

Unfortunately, we don't have

anything.

Yeah, nothing.

Zero.

Nada.

[whistling]

Okay, all right.

I figured as much, so I'm glad

that I did everything.

So if you will all follow me to

my truck--

Slow your roll, black

Martha Stewart.

I reached out and contacted the

man who has everything.

Yes, the man who did my wedding.

No!

[gasping] No!

No, that guy!

He tried to steal my husband

afterward.

The man we all know and love as

my bestie...

No, you did not bring that

fool up in here.

Party planner extraordinaire,

Mr. Eloquence.

Oh, I knew it!

[screaming]

DiGiorno, ladies!

DiGiorno, Mr. Eloquence!

[all shouting]

[Eva] Yes, yes.

Mwah, mwah!

Gorgeous.

Hello.

Caliente!

Oh, yes, very much.

Pleasure.

Pretty dress, how are you?

Thank you.

Hello, honey.

Oh.

He is so fabulous.

So it's like that, huh?

Like what?

[mockingly] Like what?

Like what?

It's one thing for Tisha to

try to control other people,

but it's another thing for

Tisha to try to control me.

Ask Boris.

I'm not having it.

My goodness, Miss Nicole.

What kind of ragtag group have

you assembled for me here today?

[stammering] Who are you

calling ragtag?

Wait, what do ragtag mean?

Is he insulting us?

Girl, he just insulting you.

I am wearing Gautier on the

top, Cartier on my wrist, and

La Perla underneath, baby, okay?

How do you like those ragtags?

[bleep]

Ooh, really?

That's so nice, mija, but you

know what?

I doubt they're La Perla because

you look like someone who

doesn't wear any panties, okay?

Psychic!

And you look like someone who

does wear panties.

Oh, really?

Well, you know what?

You can't go wrong with that

thong.

[imitating whipping]

Okay, okay, okay.

I love him!

Telemundo--

All right, mijas, listen up.

On your feet.

In order to have a great party,

you have to know how to party.

Amen.

So guess what?

Let's limbo on out of here, and

follow me to the next room,

mijas, come on.

Andale. Whoo!

I can't believe Nicole did

this to me.

I mean, come on, what did I do?

And if you have any questions,

don't ask me [bleep].

Welcome to the ultimate

indulgence.

[cane banging]

♪

[record scratching]

This [bleep] brought a moose.

My Gosh!

Oh, my God.

[Eva] Oh, this is good.

This is good.

♪

[phone clicking]

I mean, it's all right.

I mean, I could have put a

couple of extra candles in there

and stuff.

♪

[indistinct chattering]

[laughing]

[laughter]

Finish, finish, finish.

So I said, "That's not a ski

pole.

That's a baseball bat, mija."

[laughter]

My mother told me that when

I was five years old.

That's a Puerto Rican mom

for you.

[chatting, laughter]

Nicole, I wanted to say

something to you.

Yeah?

I think that this is really

fantastic.

I couldn't have planned

something this great.

And you know what?

I can be a little difficult,

a little hard to work with and--

and controlling, but can you

please say something, because

I am sitting here confessing

myself to you?

I've never admitted anything

like this before...

Come here!

And you're staring at me

like I got two heads--

[screaming]

♪

Where is she?

Oh God, there-- no.

[gasping]

Oh, there she is.

[Nicole] What?

I said I'm allergic to

shellfish.

Well, I told Eloquence that

you were allergic to shellfish.

Mija, relax, it's not that

bad.

Right, ladies, it's not that

bad.

Yes, it-- are you looking at

her face?

I mean, it looks really bad.

If it makes you feel any

better, sweetheart, you really

didn't look that much better

before this all happened.

[Bridgette] That's true.

All you need is makeup and

eyeliner.

What did I do?

Oh, don't worry about that,

baby.

You don't have to host the baby

shower.

[crying]

'Cause I am.

♪

Look, I did not poison Tisha.

She is my girl, okay?

But I will admit that I did not

stop Eloquence when he said,

"Once it's out of the shell,

darling, it's no longer

shellfish."

[scoffing]

He's as dumb as that shirt

he's wearing.

But you gotta love him.

Anyway, I'll see you at the

baby shower, because now, I'll

be hosting.

[snickering]

No, I did not.

You are delusional, Tisha.

I did not-- I did not do that.

Actually, actually, that's

not true.

I remember, I overheard you tell

Eloquence that Tisha liked her

shrimp blended.

You said that.

Eva, I didn't say that.

Tisha, we've been girls for

16 years.

Why are you gonna believe these

ghetto Spice Girls over me?

Oh! Oh!

Did she call us ghetto

Spice Girls?

Oh, yes, you did, sweetheart.

That's how I came up with the

idea of shrimp margaritas, okay?

No, senor... ita.

Ooh! Ooh!

I said camarones fresco.

[bleep], that's shrimp.

She speaks Spanish.

I told you. I told you.

[all screaming]

Somebody help me!

No, I don't do pee-pee!

Oh, my God!

Yes, she did!

[all screaming]

Nicole, no, no!

Get off me!

You get off me, [bleep]!

Aah!

[all shouting]

Put it down!

[all shouting]

Control her!

Ah! Back up!

[heart monitor beeping]

[heart monitor flatlining]

Oh, [bleep].

She's dead!

Run!

Get the hell out of here!

It's all right!

Go, go, go!

[all shouting]

Eva, Eva!

[choking]

Get your black ass out

of here!

Wait! Wait!

Get the-- get the Kleenex!

Come on now!

My hair!

My clothes aren't cheap.

[monitor continues beeping]

Where are those "Whites Only"

signs when you need 'em?

♪

[heart beating]

♪ ♪