Original subtitles

* This is the life,

this is the life ♪

♪ We've got the life,

we've got the life ♪

♪ This is the city

where we party every night,

party every night ♪

♪ We do indeed

♪ Now that you know

♪ Welcome to Hollywood,

welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

* This is dedicated...

* To that special chick...

Kevin!

All right, babe, here I come.

Hurry up!

I'm coming.

Oh, you heavy bitch!

You call me a heavy bitch?

Not you! I'm talking

about the food, babe.

'Cause the way I got, ah...

Well, hurry the hell up.

If your arms weren't so little,

you'd be here quicker.

It's about time.

(panting)

How am I supposed to

reach that?

Okay, here, here, here.

Ooh, mmm, now where's

that chocolate at?

Chocolate's on your lap.

Whoo... yes.

Thank you.

You know I like me

some chocolate. (laughs)

Selita, you got-- Selita,

unh-unh, come on, baby, stop it.

Stop-- like that's-- stop.

You're just being

nasty now... no.

Ooh, baby, don't forget.

1:30 Tuesday, parenting class.

Don't be late.

No, babe, I can't make that.

I can't do Tuesday at 1:30,

'cause I gotta meet

with the Academy about

hosting the Oscars.

So cancel it.

And the nominees

for best career move are:

Kevin Hart moves to Nigeria.

Kevin Hart takes a dumb-ass

parenting class.

Or my personal favorite.

Kevin Hart hosts the Oscars.

And the winner is...

(gasping)

Nobody saw this coming.

Kevin Hart gets

a new girlfriend.

(applause)

It's between me, Jimmy Kimmel,

and Tina Fey.

Why would I cancel that?

So what you trying to say?

The Oscars are more important

than your unborn child?

Hell, yeah, that's what

I'm trying to say.

Okay, now, if you gonna have

that baby on that day, I suggest

you wear a waterproof dress

and get some tuxedo diapers.

I'm not-- give me this,

that's enough.

You just being nasty.

Take some fruit, and no, no, no,

you done with the chocolate.

You're done with the chocolate.

(doorbell chiming)

You're pregnant-- hands off.

Good, go answer the damn

door. >> I'll get the door.

Yeah, go do that.

Uh, can I help you

with something?

(reporters clamoring)

"Congratulations...

Courtesy of Costco."

Costco sell ponies?

When they start selling ponies?

(pony whinnies)

Wait, wait, hold on, hold on.

You don't just give me a pony

and walk off, lady.

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin,

where's Selita?

We wanna see the bump.

I'm in the middle of

breakfast with my lady right

now, she ain't even presentable.

I just told you,

Selita ain't out here...

Hi, everyone.

When the hell did you

put that on?

Yeah, that's what

I'm talkin' about.

♪

Oh, yeah.

Oh, that's beautiful.

I love it, yeah!

Where that wind come from?

Why the wind blowing?

Selita, Selita!

That's it!

Y'all wanna see a bump?

I got a bump for y'all

right here.

My bump is called ass. Huh?

Oh, come on, Kevin, really?

That's right,

get a look at it.

(cameras clicking)

♪

* I'm hot in the hood

* I just rolled in

* Uh-huh, uh-huh,

uh-huh, uh-huh... ♪

* Try those fine clothes,

I know... Hey *♪

♪

You wanna see a bump?!

Really-- really, Kev?

Like, you're way too old to be

doing this. >> That's wrong.

Okay, Shane, let's get one

thing straight-- only thing here

is old is your resume.

Boom! Where'd that truck

come from?

You wanna start,

you wanna start?

Dude, what are you

talkin' about?

That's the only thing I could do

to get rid of 'em.

I used to have this

foolproof way of gettin' rid

of paparazzi.

You talkin' about like,

divorcing Halle?

Kev, really?

That was dumb.

That's funny,

that's funny, Kevin.

You-- you should open for me.

(all) Ooh...

Damn!

You know, a white guy

said that to me once.

He's not here anymore.

Hmm.

Can we change the topic?

To what, Boris?

Oh, let me guess, you wanna

talk about yourself? >> Yeah.

Yeah, right,

that's a good topic.

Tell us about the play,

how's that going?

Going great.

(snickers) Yeah, right.

Still terrible,

that's what it is.

Okay, first of all,

I'm still terrific.

Are you serious?

And second of all, your

no-talent singing coach--

No talent?

--had to get fired,

so I fired her.

Wait, hold up.

You fired Celine Dion?

Yup, had to fire her.

That's a good move,

Boris, that's a good move.

What, Celine Dion? >> Black

people don't dig Celine.

Well, plenty of people

love Celine.

They're not black,

they're not black!

She's dope.

What do you mean she's dope?

She can sing. >> Black people

don't like Celine.

Black people ain't never

bought a Celine ticket.

Hey, Honey Nut. >> Hey!

Get this big-ass dog

out here, man!

J.B., that's not a dog.

Get, get back!

That is a Shetland pony.

Okay, and y'all need to

be patient 'cause I need my pony

to be inside because I can't put

her outside 'cause I still ain't

find my tiger Woods yet.

No, no, no-no-no-no-no.

You ain't find that damn

tiger yet?

You know--

no, J.B., I haven't.

Well, that's just gggreat!

Okay, well, you know

what, J.B.?

Since you always got the

answers about the tiger,

why don't you go look for it?

No, I'm not gonna go

out there, walk around like

a piece of meat till I find

the damn tiger you can't

find your damn self!

(high-pitched voice) You

know what, Boris, then why don't

you go look for it?

Okay, here comes

"Kevelyn."

All right.

Duane, I don't care

about nothing...

Here she comes!

I don't like it!

Wait a minute--

There's things ain't right in

my life, and that's what I had!

* Little man...

What is this, man?!

Look, I'm just-- I'm not

ready for another baby, man.

Oh, man...

No, that's what it is,

that's what all this is!

Eric, I'm sorry

about that.

I meant it but I didn't--

I shouldn't have said it.

Well...

Kids are a blessing,

all right?

I already got

two of 'em, Boris.

Well, you're gonna

have three.

Okay, and I'm rich.

And I'm attractive.

And I got an amazing body.

Let's do this.

Let's turn this negative

into a positive.

There you go... >> Let me

help you with this pregnancy,

all right?

We can capitalize on this thing.

What? No...

Kanye and Kim made

$22 million from their kid.

Wow.

Hell, man, I'm thinking

about knocking Tisha up again.

Yeah, you gonna get

about $25 for that baby.

Mm-- Kevin. >> Yes, J.B.?

I think that Shetland

just took a (bleep)land.

(pony farts) >> Oh, damn!

(pony whinnies)

♪

(Boris) Okay, look, um,

let's start from the top.

(clears throat)

(piano playing)

(off-key) * How do we

figure it out? ♪

♪ Got so many questions

on my mind ♪

♪ Running from fear and doubt

♪ Gotta see what dance is

all about... ♪

* Whoa oh...

Oh, God.

(both) * Where do we go?

Up higher.

(both) * Chasing these dreams

that are letting go... ♪

You gotta go...

No, you sound bad.

(both) * Whoa, whoa

♪ May never get

the chance again ♪

Do it really softly.

(loudly) * Whoa, we--

(man) Stop!

Uh, you're a little flat.

Ain't nothing flat

about me, boo.

(deep, dramatic voice) Boris!

Why is this bile

spewing out of my Johnson?

I don't know what that means,

but my singing coach said

we should pizzazz it up

a little bit.

Your singing coach?

Yeah, he's here-- E!

Expose thyself!

Other than that,

it was really good.

Hey, Kelly, how you doing?

Hi! >> I did not tell you

to do that.

What's up, man?

I'm Eric.

I know who you are,

you bronze-faced interloper.

With your thicket of

natty would-be dreads

upon your crown. >> No.

How dare you step

into my realm?

Wait, hold-- bro, I was

just trying to sexy this up

a little bit. >> Sexy it up

a little? >> Yeah, sexy it up.

Yeah. >> Sexy it up.

Mm-hmm.

You have my attention.

Excuse me, Kelly.

Hit it, Ralph.

Let me show you.

* Mmm... mmm

You know, smooth it out

like...

♪ Oh, oh... yeah

♪ Ooh ooh ooh, ooh...

* How do we figure

this out? ♪

♪ I got so many questions

on my mind ♪

♪ Running from fear

and doubt... ♪

You know what I'm saying?

♪ Gotta see what dance

is all about ♪

(both) * Whoa, whoa,

where do we go? ♪

♪ Chasing these dreams,

never letting go ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ We may never get this

chance again, again *♪

Let's take a break!

Oh my God,

I love your voice.

She is incredible.

Mr. Benét! >> Yeah?

May I have a word with you?

You suck.

That's all we were

trying to do.

He needs some work.

How dare you interrupt

my rehearsal with this,

this clamor!

(whispers) Do you want the part?

Look, man, I'm a

Grammy-nominated artist--

But you did not win.

(sighs)

(woman) With the Mr. Milky

vest, not only can you

experience the pleasure of

suckling your newborn just like

any mother, but you'll also

receive the undying gratitude of

your new mom, especially when it

comes to that 4 a.m. feeding.

Right, ladies?

Why in the hell would I

wanna do that?

Let me ask you a question.

Why are all these

fake breasts white? >> Shh.

You mean to tell me

they ain't have no black

fake breasts?

I'm sorry, excuse me--

They ain't had no

Mr. Chocolate breasts--

Mr. Hart, are we having

a little bit of a problem?

Yes, yes, we having a lot

a bit of a problem.

What's going on?

First problem is,

this ain't mine.

Go long. >> Whoa.

All right, second problem

is I look stupid in this.

We all look stupid, okay?

You-- you don't even need

the Mr. Milky-- you can go

with the real deal, sir.

And you need breast implants.

You should keep that Mr. Milky

for your damn self.

Kevin, please sit down,

you're embarrassing me.

Oh, I'm embarrassing you?

Yes. >> That's right,

'cause you the little black man

sitting up here with the

plastic-coated titty on you

and feeding a baby that's

not real and that's not black!

Kevin, you said you wanted

to be involved in every aspect

of our child's life.

Involved?! I don't even

want the damn baby!

(all gasp)

What?!

(murmuring)

Listen, Selita, what I'm

saying-- (bleep)damnit!

Stupid balls.

Listen, listen, listen,

listen to me.

Don't touch me!

It's this!

This damn Mr. Milky throwing

my hormones all off whack.

All I'm saying is we need

to slow down.

Slow down?

You should've thought about

that before you were sliding

into home plate without

a helmet on.

What is she talkin'

about, I slid into home plate

without a helmet?

Please.

Well, obviously, I need

a Magnum helmet.

(bat hits ball, crowd cheers)

♪

(man) Hey, I'm sorry,

it's not happening,

it's not happening.

Did you see the shoes that

Wilt Chamberlain played in?

Yeah.

Kobe couldn't play

in them shoes.

I can't even stand

in them shoes.

He had no arch supports

in them things.

He scored a hundred points

in Chucks.

(all groaning)

Look, dude, you're

dripping titty milk

all over the floor.

(all laughing)

Let me top this

coffee off, man. >> What?

(all laughing)

You come in here for a

mammogram or get a haircut?

Why don't you shut up?

Just shut up, man.

It's obvious that nobody has

ever been breastfed in here.

Why don't you stop being

a bunch of jackasses?

Hey, Kevin.

Oh, you mother--

You wanna get cut, Robin?

Hey, hey.

I ain't got time for

your foolishness today.

I had a bad day. >> Well,

who the hell is Robin?

You know damn well who

Robin is, you green-eyed freak!

Give me that, Kevin.

Look, I don't know what kind

of drug you on right now, but we

can get you some help. >> You

can't even help yourself, Robin.

How you gonna help me?

Yo, Kev, why do you keep

calling Terry "Robin"?

Because that's who it is.

What y'all don't know

is that when Robin get mad,

he turns into Terry!

Oh, (bleep).

(growling)

(people screaming)

(roaring)

This (bleep) turned

into Terry Crews!

You done popped a molly,

you sweatin'.

(all) Whoo!

(laughter)

Whatever, man.

Oh, God...

(sniffling) I might've

messed things up today.

Ohh...

I told Selita that I didn't

really wanna have a baby.

She does, it's--

It got bad, it got so bad.

This is a safe place.

It's a barbershop, man.

I don't wanna be the guy

and cryin' and stuff.

Okay, you know what, look,

the breastesses have made you

sensitive, I understand.

Maybe.

But, listen.

So you said some dumb (bleep).

We've all said

some dumb (bleep).

Everybody, man.

I don't know,

this is my first time

saying dumb (bleep).

Look, Bobby, he told his wife

that she talked too much.

Man, I told my girl, man,

she need to lose some weight.

She fat as (bleep).

I told my girl

she need to get a job.

You're not making much here,

I get that.

Man, I told my girl

we need to have a threesome.

She brought a (bleep) home!

(all) Whoa!

Okay, that's it, that's it.

I'm not gettin' no cut,

I don't need no cut.

You know what,

we gonna find a way

to get your woman back.

Let's go.

You're gonna help me, man?

Yeah.

You're so much nicer

in the daytime, man.

(Boris) I got it, I got it.

(off-key) * Gotta bust a

move... ♪

Excuse me.

Boris, we just did this

ten times in a row.

Yeah, I know, it's good.

It's not good, man.

We got it, we got it.

It's not good, the note

is supposed to be...

♪ Move...

(off-key) * Yeah, move...

No, no...

♪ Move

(off-key) * Yeah, move...

That's throwing you off.

♪ Move...

* Move... >> No.

We're all moved, yes.

Excellent.

No, man.

Everyone, that's a wrap.

That's good, that's good,

we're cool.

They want you

in wardrobe, okay.

Not good, Boris.

Could I have a word, please?

Yeah, yeah.

The word is "please."

Could you please take the role?

Have you heard him?

He's abominable.

Get off your knees, man,

I'm a singer, man, I'm not--

I'm not an actor.

You don't have to be an actor

to be in one of my plays.

You just have to act

like an actor.

Do you really

talk like that?

Eric...

It's a pass, bro.

Eric!

Boris is gonna

sink this play.

I want my money up front.

Fret not, Child of Destiny.

For mine ears bleed

from that German's off-key

caterwauling as well.

But I have come up with

an ingenious plan, trust me.

Whatever, David,

I want my money... cash!

Well, I never!

(imitates) Oh, you better!

(shocked gasp)

♪

* I wanna get loud

♪ I wanna get loud

(Duane) It took some

convincing, but Kevin finally

agreed to let me manage

his pregnancy.

Offers are coming in strong.

Potential sponsors

are lining up to get

a piece of Kevlita.

This baby is gonna pay

for my babies!

Listen, guys, don't forget

the two-name: KevLita.com.

Boy-or-girl sweepstakes.

(cameras clicking)

Y'all see the bump,

don't you?

That's mine.

(laughing)

Come on, baby, let's go.

Slow down, baby,

I don't want you to fall.

Rub my back, rub my back.

I got you, sweetheart.

I got you.

How you doing, man?

Let my lady through first.

What you looking at?

Sir, let me--

I wanna come in too.

You see this?

I can't step through that, man,

you have to get up.

All right, fine.

I'm sorry.

My bad, baby.

Sorry, don't wanna move?

The consequences of not moving.

Unh-unh, you not gonna do that.

You not gonna do that.

You wanna do this, then do it.

You wanna battle, battle.

Get your hands off me.

I lost.

You good?

Yeah, I'm fine now,

I'm okay.

Mmm.

Baby?

Hmm?

Will you go get me a

pastrami Jell-O sandwich?

Okay, baby, the show's

about to start. >> Please?

I don't think they got

pastrami... >> Mmm...

All right, I'll figure it

out... >> Shh.

Don't shush me.

You shush.

Okay, I gotta get

back out this way.

Can you let me back--

Okay.

(applause)

What you expect to happen?

(crunching popcorn)

Duane...

Yeah?

Let me holla at you

real quick.

You see me and

this (bleep) right here?

I got this.

So whatever little plan

you got crackin', I suggest

you kill it dead.

Don't (bleep) with me.

You feel me? >> Hmm?

Just like Tisha-boo-boo,

ain't nobody up in here

need you.

Got it?

Yes, ma'am.

Good.

Now watch your little play.

Enjoy.

(giggles)

Breathe. >> Breathe.

Breathe, it's all about

breath, you got this.

You got this, man.

♪ Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm

(shakily) * Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm

You're gonna be good,

man, you're gonna be good.

No-no-no-no,

you're gonna be great.

He better be. >> Oh!

You will be. >> Yes!

You will be.

He most certainly will be.

He's going to sound

like an American Idol.

* Ma-ma-ma-ma

Trust me. >> * Ma-ma

You hear that?

* Ma-ma

Mm-hmm.

Sound like

an American Idol, man.

Now go out there, man.

And kill 'em,

you're gonna be great.

Get ready.

(vicious growl behind door)

Oh!

♪

(Kevin) As you might expect,

they didn't have pastrami.

So I had to go outside

to get it.

I'm sorry, sir,

I can't let you in

until after the act break.

How long's that gonna be?

It's a black play--

tomorrow? >> Are you

kidding me right now?

Well, excuse you, too!

(Boris) I just gotta...

I gotta dance.

♪

(on-key) * I wanna go farther

♪ I wanna be bigger, yeah

♪ I wanna climb mountains,

yeah ♪

♪ I gotta dance,

gotta bust a move ♪

♪ How do we figure it out?

♪ Got so many questions

on my mind ♪

♪ Running from fear and doubt

♪ I gotta see what dance

is all about... ♪

(both) * Whoa, whoa

♪ What do we know

♪ Chasing these dreams,

never letting go ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa

♪ May never get

this chance again, again... ♪

(audience laughing)

* Follow your heart,

follow your heart... ♪

(audience laughing)

Is that Boris singing

right now?

* Follow your heart, lead

you where you wanna be... ♪

(laughing continues)

That is Boris singing.

(singing continues)

Kevin! Get your ass off

the stage, you ass(bleep).

Don't you call me

no damn ass(bleep).

Wait a minute, wait a

minute, hold on, hold on.

How you talking to me and that's

supposed to be you singing?

I knew that wasn't you singing.

I recognize that voice, man.

That's Ruben Studdard.

* Never letting go

Ruben! Everybody, make some

noise for Ruben Studdard!

What's up, man?

(cheering and applause)

Yeah! Hey, man!

What's up, Ruben?

(laughing)

Yeah! I knew that was you.

Slow down, Grandma!

Oh!

Oh, man, he is not all that.

You okay?

Yeah.

No, you're not.

Uh-ha-ha-ha.

Ahh...

Damn.

(screaming continues)

Come here, let me

holla at you, partner.

I'm thinking 60/40 my way.

You sound crazy-- 50/50.

No, this time,

I get the bump.

♪