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* This is the life,
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this is the life ♪
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♪ We've got the life,
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we've got the life ♪
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♪ This is the city
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where we party every night,
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party every night ♪
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♪ We do indeed
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♪ Now that you know
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♪ Welcome to Hollywood,
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welcome to Hollywood ♪
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♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪
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* This is dedicated...
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* To that special chick...
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Kevin!
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All right, babe, here I come.
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Hurry up!
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I'm coming.
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Oh, you heavy bitch!
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You call me a heavy bitch?
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Not you! I'm talking
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about the food, babe.
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'Cause the way I got, ah...
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Well, hurry the hell up.
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If your arms weren't so little,
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you'd be here quicker.
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It's about time.
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(panting)
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How am I supposed to
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reach that?
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Okay, here, here, here.
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Ooh, mmm, now where's
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that chocolate at?
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Chocolate's on your lap.
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Whoo... yes.
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Thank you.
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You know I like me
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some chocolate. (laughs)
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Selita, you got-- Selita,
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unh-unh, come on, baby, stop it.
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Stop-- like that's-- stop.
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You're just being
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nasty now... no.
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Ooh, baby, don't forget.
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1:30 Tuesday, parenting class.
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Don't be late.
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No, babe, I can't make that.
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I can't do Tuesday at 1:30,
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'cause I gotta meet
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with the Academy about
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hosting the Oscars.
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So cancel it.
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And the nominees
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for best career move are:
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Kevin Hart moves to Nigeria.
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Kevin Hart takes a dumb-ass
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parenting class.
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Or my personal favorite.
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Kevin Hart hosts the Oscars.
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And the winner is...
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(gasping)
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Nobody saw this coming.
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Kevin Hart gets
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a new girlfriend.
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(applause)
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It's between me, Jimmy Kimmel,
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and Tina Fey.
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Why would I cancel that?
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So what you trying to say?
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The Oscars are more important
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than your unborn child?
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Hell, yeah, that's what
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I'm trying to say.
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Okay, now, if you gonna have
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that baby on that day, I suggest
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you wear a waterproof dress
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and get some tuxedo diapers.
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I'm not-- give me this,
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that's enough.
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You just being nasty.
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Take some fruit, and no, no, no,
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you done with the chocolate.
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You're done with the chocolate.
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(doorbell chiming)
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You're pregnant-- hands off.
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Good, go answer the damn
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door. >> I'll get the door.
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Yeah, go do that.
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Uh, can I help you
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with something?
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(reporters clamoring)
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"Congratulations...
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Courtesy of Costco."
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Costco sell ponies?
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When they start selling ponies?
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(pony whinnies)
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Wait, wait, hold on, hold on.
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You don't just give me a pony
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and walk off, lady.
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Kevin, Kevin, Kevin,
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where's Selita?
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We wanna see the bump.
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I'm in the middle of
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breakfast with my lady right
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now, she ain't even presentable.
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I just told you,
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Selita ain't out here...
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Hi, everyone.
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When the hell did you
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put that on?
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Yeah, that's what
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I'm talkin' about.
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♪
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Oh, yeah.
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Oh, that's beautiful.
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I love it, yeah!
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Where that wind come from?
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Why the wind blowing?
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Selita, Selita!
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That's it!
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Y'all wanna see a bump?
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I got a bump for y'all
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right here.
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My bump is called ass. Huh?
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Oh, come on, Kevin, really?
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That's right,
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get a look at it.
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(cameras clicking)
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♪
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* I'm hot in the hood
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* I just rolled in
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* Uh-huh, uh-huh,
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uh-huh, uh-huh... ♪
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* Try those fine clothes,
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I know... Hey *♪
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♪
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You wanna see a bump?!
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Really-- really, Kev?
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Like, you're way too old to be
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doing this. >> That's wrong.
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Okay, Shane, let's get one
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thing straight-- only thing here
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is old is your resume.
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Boom! Where'd that truck
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come from?
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You wanna start,
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you wanna start?
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Dude, what are you
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talkin' about?
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That's the only thing I could do
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to get rid of 'em.
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I used to have this
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foolproof way of gettin' rid
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of paparazzi.
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You talkin' about like,
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divorcing Halle?
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Kev, really?
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That was dumb.
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That's funny,
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that's funny, Kevin.
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You-- you should open for me.
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(all) Ooh...
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Damn!
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You know, a white guy
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said that to me once.
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He's not here anymore.
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Hmm.
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Can we change the topic?
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To what, Boris?
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Oh, let me guess, you wanna
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talk about yourself? >> Yeah.
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Yeah, right,
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that's a good topic.
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Tell us about the play,
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how's that going?
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Going great.
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(snickers) Yeah, right.
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Still terrible,
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that's what it is.
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Okay, first of all,
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I'm still terrific.
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Are you serious?
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And second of all, your
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no-talent singing coach--
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No talent?
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--had to get fired,
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so I fired her.
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Wait, hold up.
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You fired Celine Dion?
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Yup, had to fire her.
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That's a good move,
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Boris, that's a good move.
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What, Celine Dion? >> Black
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people don't dig Celine.
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Well, plenty of people
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love Celine.
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They're not black,
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they're not black!
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She's dope.
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What do you mean she's dope?
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She can sing. >> Black people
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don't like Celine.
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Black people ain't never
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bought a Celine ticket.
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Hey, Honey Nut. >> Hey!
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Get this big-ass dog
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out here, man!
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J.B., that's not a dog.
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Get, get back!
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That is a Shetland pony.
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Okay, and y'all need to
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be patient 'cause I need my pony
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to be inside because I can't put
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her outside 'cause I still ain't
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find my tiger Woods yet.
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No, no, no-no-no-no-no.
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You ain't find that damn
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tiger yet?
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You know--
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no, J.B., I haven't.
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Well, that's just gggreat!
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Okay, well, you know
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what, J.B.?
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Since you always got the
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answers about the tiger,
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why don't you go look for it?
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No, I'm not gonna go
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out there, walk around like
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a piece of meat till I find
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the damn tiger you can't
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find your damn self!
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(high-pitched voice) You
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know what, Boris, then why don't
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you go look for it?
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Okay, here comes
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"Kevelyn."
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All right.
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Duane, I don't care
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about nothing...
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Here she comes!
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I don't like it!
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Wait a minute--
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There's things ain't right in
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my life, and that's what I had!
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* Little man...
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What is this, man?!
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Look, I'm just-- I'm not
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ready for another baby, man.
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Oh, man...
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No, that's what it is,
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that's what all this is!
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Eric, I'm sorry
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about that.
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I meant it but I didn't--
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I shouldn't have said it.
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Well...
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Kids are a blessing,
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all right?
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I already got
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two of 'em, Boris.
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Well, you're gonna
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have three.
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Okay, and I'm rich.
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And I'm attractive.
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And I got an amazing body.
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Let's do this.
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Let's turn this negative
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into a positive.
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There you go... >> Let me
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help you with this pregnancy,
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all right?
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We can capitalize on this thing.
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What? No...
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Kanye and Kim made
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$22 million from their kid.
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Wow.
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Hell, man, I'm thinking
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about knocking Tisha up again.
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Yeah, you gonna get
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about $25 for that baby.
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Mm-- Kevin. >> Yes, J.B.?
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I think that Shetland
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just took a (bleep)land.
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(pony farts) >> Oh, damn!
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(pony whinnies)
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♪
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(Boris) Okay, look, um,
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let's start from the top.
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(clears throat)
290
00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:40,697
(piano playing)
291
00:05:40,700 --> 00:05:41,570
(off-key) * How do we
292
00:05:41,567 --> 00:05:44,167
figure it out? ♪
293
00:05:44,167 --> 00:05:46,627
♪ Got so many questions
294
00:05:46,633 --> 00:05:48,303
on my mind ♪
295
00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:51,230
♪ Running from fear and doubt
296
00:05:51,233 --> 00:05:53,633
♪ Gotta see what dance is
297
00:05:53,633 --> 00:05:55,603
all about... ♪
298
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:56,670
* Whoa oh...
299
00:05:56,667 --> 00:05:57,497
Oh, God.
300
00:05:57,500 --> 00:05:58,570
(both) * Where do we go?
301
00:05:58,567 --> 00:05:59,397
Up higher.
302
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,700
(both) * Chasing these dreams
303
00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:01,970
that are letting go... ♪
304
00:06:01,967 --> 00:06:02,697
You gotta go...
305
00:06:02,700 --> 00:06:03,470
No, you sound bad.
306
00:06:03,467 --> 00:06:04,697
(both) * Whoa, whoa
307
00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:05,600
♪ May never get
308
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:06,970
the chance again ♪
309
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,197
Do it really softly.
310
00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,200
(loudly) * Whoa, we--
311
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,200
(man) Stop!
312
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,200
Uh, you're a little flat.
313
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:12,070
Ain't nothing flat
314
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:13,127
about me, boo.
315
00:06:13,133 --> 00:06:14,803
(deep, dramatic voice) Boris!
316
00:06:14,800 --> 00:06:16,570
Why is this bile
317
00:06:16,567 --> 00:06:19,567
spewing out of my Johnson?
318
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:20,397
I don't know what that means,
319
00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:21,230
but my singing coach said
320
00:06:21,233 --> 00:06:22,073
we should pizzazz it up
321
00:06:22,067 --> 00:06:22,927
a little bit.
322
00:06:22,933 --> 00:06:24,133
Your singing coach?
323
00:06:24,133 --> 00:06:25,273
Yeah, he's here-- E!
324
00:06:25,267 --> 00:06:26,797
Expose thyself!
325
00:06:28,633 --> 00:06:29,633
Other than that,
326
00:06:29,633 --> 00:06:30,473
it was really good.
327
00:06:30,467 --> 00:06:31,297
Hey, Kelly, how you doing?
328
00:06:31,300 --> 00:06:32,230
Hi! >> I did not tell you
329
00:06:32,233 --> 00:06:33,633
to do that.
330
00:06:33,633 --> 00:06:34,303
What's up, man?
331
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:35,070
I'm Eric.
332
00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:35,727
I know who you are,
333
00:06:35,733 --> 00:06:37,133
you bronze-faced interloper.
334
00:06:37,133 --> 00:06:39,073
With your thicket of
335
00:06:39,067 --> 00:06:40,697
natty would-be dreads
336
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,470
upon your crown. >> No.
337
00:06:42,467 --> 00:06:43,267
How dare you step
338
00:06:43,267 --> 00:06:44,397
into my realm?
339
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:45,300
Wait, hold-- bro, I was
340
00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:46,770
just trying to sexy this up
341
00:06:46,767 --> 00:06:47,897
a little bit. >> Sexy it up
342
00:06:47,900 --> 00:06:49,270
a little? >> Yeah, sexy it up.
343
00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:50,567
Yeah. >> Sexy it up.
344
00:06:50,567 --> 00:06:51,827
Mm-hmm.
345
00:06:51,833 --> 00:06:52,903
You have my attention.
346
00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:54,070
Excuse me, Kelly.
347
00:06:54,067 --> 00:06:54,697
Hit it, Ralph.
348
00:06:54,700 --> 00:06:55,900
Let me show you.
349
00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:57,370
* Mmm... mmm
350
00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:58,327
You know, smooth it out
351
00:06:58,333 --> 00:06:59,373
like...
352
00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:03,197
♪ Oh, oh... yeah
353
00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:10,500
♪ Ooh ooh ooh, ooh...
354
00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:11,630
* How do we figure
355
00:07:11,633 --> 00:07:13,373
this out? ♪
356
00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:15,697
♪ I got so many questions
357
00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:17,400
on my mind ♪
358
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:18,830
♪ Running from fear
359
00:07:18,833 --> 00:07:19,733
and doubt... ♪
360
00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:20,773
You know what I'm saying?
361
00:07:20,767 --> 00:07:22,797
♪ Gotta see what dance
362
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:25,200
is all about ♪
363
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,370
(both) * Whoa, whoa,
364
00:07:26,367 --> 00:07:28,867
where do we go? ♪
365
00:07:28,867 --> 00:07:29,927
♪ Chasing these dreams,
366
00:07:29,933 --> 00:07:32,533
never letting go ♪
367
00:07:32,533 --> 00:07:33,973
♪ Whoa, whoa
368
00:07:33,967 --> 00:07:35,327
♪ We may never get this
369
00:07:35,333 --> 00:07:37,973
chance again, again *♪
370
00:07:37,967 --> 00:07:39,067
Let's take a break!
371
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:39,667
Oh my God,
372
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:40,327
I love your voice.
373
00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:41,073
She is incredible.
374
00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:41,727
Mr. Benét! >> Yeah?
375
00:07:41,733 --> 00:07:42,833
May I have a word with you?
376
00:07:42,833 --> 00:07:43,673
You suck.
377
00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:44,327
That's all we were
378
00:07:44,333 --> 00:07:45,173
trying to do.
379
00:07:45,167 --> 00:07:48,567
He needs some work.
380
00:07:48,567 --> 00:07:49,827
How dare you interrupt
381
00:07:49,833 --> 00:07:51,333
my rehearsal with this,
382
00:07:51,333 --> 00:07:52,303
this clamor!
383
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,070
(whispers) Do you want the part?
384
00:07:54,067 --> 00:07:55,067
Look, man, I'm a
385
00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:56,167
Grammy-nominated artist--
386
00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:57,727
But you did not win.
387
00:07:57,733 --> 00:07:59,173
(sighs)
388
00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:00,797
(woman) With the Mr. Milky
389
00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:02,300
vest, not only can you
390
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:03,630
experience the pleasure of
391
00:08:03,633 --> 00:08:05,573
suckling your newborn just like
392
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:07,767
any mother, but you'll also
393
00:08:07,767 --> 00:08:10,297
receive the undying gratitude of
394
00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:12,200
your new mom, especially when it
395
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,400
comes to that 4 a.m. feeding.
396
00:08:14,400 --> 00:08:15,970
Right, ladies?
397
00:08:15,967 --> 00:08:16,727
Why in the hell would I
398
00:08:16,733 --> 00:08:17,503
wanna do that?
399
00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:18,330
Let me ask you a question.
400
00:08:18,333 --> 00:08:19,103
Why are all these
401
00:08:19,100 --> 00:08:19,800
fake breasts white? >> Shh.
402
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:20,500
You mean to tell me
403
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:21,400
they ain't have no black
404
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:22,070
fake breasts?
405
00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:22,727
I'm sorry, excuse me--
406
00:08:22,733 --> 00:08:23,473
They ain't had no
407
00:08:23,467 --> 00:08:24,167
Mr. Chocolate breasts--
408
00:08:24,167 --> 00:08:24,897
Mr. Hart, are we having
409
00:08:24,900 --> 00:08:25,570
a little bit of a problem?
410
00:08:25,567 --> 00:08:26,467
Yes, yes, we having a lot
411
00:08:26,467 --> 00:08:27,397
a bit of a problem.
412
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,070
What's going on?
413
00:08:28,067 --> 00:08:28,727
First problem is,
414
00:08:28,733 --> 00:08:29,503
this ain't mine.
415
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:30,330
Go long. >> Whoa.
416
00:08:30,333 --> 00:08:31,073
All right, second problem
417
00:08:31,067 --> 00:08:32,767
is I look stupid in this.
418
00:08:32,767 --> 00:08:34,527
We all look stupid, okay?
419
00:08:34,533 --> 00:08:35,503
You-- you don't even need
420
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:36,500
the Mr. Milky-- you can go
421
00:08:36,500 --> 00:08:37,730
with the real deal, sir.
422
00:08:37,733 --> 00:08:39,373
And you need breast implants.
423
00:08:39,367 --> 00:08:40,927
You should keep that Mr. Milky
424
00:08:40,933 --> 00:08:42,403
for your damn self.
425
00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:43,770
Kevin, please sit down,
426
00:08:43,767 --> 00:08:44,567
you're embarrassing me.
427
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:45,567
Oh, I'm embarrassing you?
428
00:08:45,567 --> 00:08:46,497
Yes. >> That's right,
429
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:47,430
'cause you the little black man
430
00:08:47,433 --> 00:08:48,403
sitting up here with the
431
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:49,200
plastic-coated titty on you
432
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,370
and feeding a baby that's
433
00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:52,067
not real and that's not black!
434
00:08:52,067 --> 00:08:53,167
Kevin, you said you wanted
435
00:08:53,167 --> 00:08:54,497
to be involved in every aspect
436
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:55,370
of our child's life.
437
00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:57,127
Involved?! I don't even
438
00:08:57,133 --> 00:08:58,233
want the damn baby!
439
00:08:58,233 --> 00:09:00,303
(all gasp)
440
00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:01,470
What?!
441
00:09:01,467 --> 00:09:03,597
(murmuring)
442
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:04,700
Listen, Selita, what I'm
443
00:09:04,700 --> 00:09:07,330
saying-- (bleep)damnit!
444
00:09:07,333 --> 00:09:08,533
Stupid balls.
445
00:09:08,533 --> 00:09:09,933
Listen, listen, listen,
446
00:09:09,933 --> 00:09:10,773
listen to me.
447
00:09:10,767 --> 00:09:11,427
Don't touch me!
448
00:09:11,433 --> 00:09:12,533
It's this!
449
00:09:12,533 --> 00:09:13,833
This damn Mr. Milky throwing
450
00:09:13,833 --> 00:09:15,133
my hormones all off whack.
451
00:09:15,133 --> 00:09:16,373
All I'm saying is we need
452
00:09:16,367 --> 00:09:17,067
to slow down.
453
00:09:17,067 --> 00:09:18,167
Slow down?
454
00:09:18,167 --> 00:09:19,227
You should've thought about
455
00:09:19,233 --> 00:09:20,273
that before you were sliding
456
00:09:20,267 --> 00:09:21,197
into home plate without
457
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:22,130
a helmet on.
458
00:09:22,133 --> 00:09:22,873
What is she talkin'
459
00:09:22,867 --> 00:09:24,297
about, I slid into home plate
460
00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:25,330
without a helmet?
461
00:09:25,333 --> 00:09:26,733
Please.
462
00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:32,700
Well, obviously, I need
463
00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:33,670
a Magnum helmet.
464
00:09:33,667 --> 00:09:35,097
(bat hits ball, crowd cheers)
465
00:09:35,967 --> 00:09:37,967
♪
466
00:09:37,967 --> 00:09:38,797
(man) Hey, I'm sorry,
467
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:39,470
it's not happening,
468
00:09:39,467 --> 00:09:40,227
it's not happening.
469
00:09:40,233 --> 00:09:40,973
Did you see the shoes that
470
00:09:40,967 --> 00:09:42,297
Wilt Chamberlain played in?
471
00:09:42,300 --> 00:09:43,300
Yeah.
472
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:44,070
Kobe couldn't play
473
00:09:44,067 --> 00:09:45,067
in them shoes.
474
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,067
I can't even stand
475
00:09:46,067 --> 00:09:46,897
in them shoes.
476
00:09:46,900 --> 00:09:47,900
He had no arch supports
477
00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:48,600
in them things.
478
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:49,400
He scored a hundred points
479
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:50,370
in Chucks.
480
00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:54,373
(all groaning)
481
00:09:54,367 --> 00:09:55,067
Look, dude, you're
482
00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:55,727
dripping titty milk
483
00:09:55,733 --> 00:09:56,933
all over the floor.
484
00:09:56,933 --> 00:09:57,633
(all laughing)
485
00:09:57,633 --> 00:09:58,533
Let me top this
486
00:09:58,533 --> 00:09:59,433
coffee off, man. >> What?
487
00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:02,103
(all laughing)
488
00:10:02,100 --> 00:10:03,000
You come in here for a
489
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,230
mammogram or get a haircut?
490
00:10:04,233 --> 00:10:05,473
Why don't you shut up?
491
00:10:05,467 --> 00:10:06,367
Just shut up, man.
492
00:10:06,367 --> 00:10:07,227
It's obvious that nobody has
493
00:10:07,233 --> 00:10:08,633
ever been breastfed in here.
494
00:10:08,633 --> 00:10:09,473
Why don't you stop being
495
00:10:09,467 --> 00:10:10,697
a bunch of jackasses?
496
00:10:10,700 --> 00:10:11,870
Hey, Kevin.
497
00:10:11,867 --> 00:10:13,767
Oh, you mother--
498
00:10:13,767 --> 00:10:14,767
You wanna get cut, Robin?
499
00:10:14,767 --> 00:10:16,127
Hey, hey.
500
00:10:16,133 --> 00:10:16,803
I ain't got time for
501
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:17,470
your foolishness today.
502
00:10:17,467 --> 00:10:18,227
I had a bad day. >> Well,
503
00:10:18,233 --> 00:10:19,273
who the hell is Robin?
504
00:10:19,267 --> 00:10:20,067
You know damn well who
505
00:10:20,067 --> 00:10:21,597
Robin is, you green-eyed freak!
506
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,000
Give me that, Kevin.
507
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:23,800
Look, I don't know what kind
508
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:25,370
of drug you on right now, but we
509
00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:26,397
can get you some help. >> You
510
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:27,870
can't even help yourself, Robin.
511
00:10:27,867 --> 00:10:29,427
How you gonna help me?
512
00:10:29,433 --> 00:10:30,533
Yo, Kev, why do you keep
513
00:10:30,533 --> 00:10:31,533
calling Terry "Robin"?
514
00:10:31,533 --> 00:10:33,233
Because that's who it is.
515
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,133
What y'all don't know
516
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,233
is that when Robin get mad,
517
00:10:35,233 --> 00:10:36,733
he turns into Terry!
518
00:10:36,733 --> 00:10:37,973
Oh, (bleep).
519
00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:40,867
(growling)
520
00:10:40,867 --> 00:10:43,527
(people screaming)
521
00:10:43,533 --> 00:10:47,473
(roaring)
522
00:10:47,467 --> 00:10:48,667
This (bleep) turned
523
00:10:48,667 --> 00:10:50,697
into Terry Crews!
524
00:10:50,700 --> 00:10:51,830
You done popped a molly,
525
00:10:51,833 --> 00:10:53,033
you sweatin'.
526
00:10:53,033 --> 00:10:54,073
(all) Whoo!
527
00:10:54,067 --> 00:10:55,097
(laughter)
528
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:57,300
Whatever, man.
529
00:10:57,300 --> 00:10:59,200
Oh, God...
530
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,470
(sniffling) I might've
531
00:11:01,467 --> 00:11:02,767
messed things up today.
532
00:11:02,767 --> 00:11:03,767
Ohh...
533
00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:04,627
I told Selita that I didn't
534
00:11:04,633 --> 00:11:06,103
really wanna have a baby.
535
00:11:06,100 --> 00:11:08,100
She does, it's--
536
00:11:08,100 --> 00:11:11,130
It got bad, it got so bad.
537
00:11:11,133 --> 00:11:13,603
This is a safe place.
538
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,470
It's a barbershop, man.
539
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,297
I don't wanna be the guy
540
00:11:17,300 --> 00:11:19,070
and cryin' and stuff.
541
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:21,297
Okay, you know what, look,
542
00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:22,670
the breastesses have made you
543
00:11:22,667 --> 00:11:24,167
sensitive, I understand.
544
00:11:24,167 --> 00:11:24,827
Maybe.
545
00:11:24,833 --> 00:11:25,603
But, listen.
546
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:26,830
So you said some dumb (bleep).
547
00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:27,533
We've all said
548
00:11:27,533 --> 00:11:28,333
some dumb (bleep).
549
00:11:28,333 --> 00:11:29,073
Everybody, man.
550
00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:29,767
I don't know,
551
00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:30,627
this is my first time
552
00:11:30,633 --> 00:11:31,533
saying dumb (bleep).
553
00:11:31,533 --> 00:11:33,403
Look, Bobby, he told his wife
554
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:35,200
that she talked too much.
555
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:36,400
Man, I told my girl, man,
556
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:37,430
she need to lose some weight.
557
00:11:37,433 --> 00:11:38,503
She fat as (bleep).
558
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:39,430
I told my girl
559
00:11:39,433 --> 00:11:40,273
she need to get a job.
560
00:11:40,267 --> 00:11:41,727
You're not making much here,
561
00:11:41,733 --> 00:11:43,073
I get that.
562
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,067
Man, I told my girl
563
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:45,767
we need to have a threesome.
564
00:11:45,767 --> 00:11:46,967
She brought a (bleep) home!
565
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:48,067
(all) Whoa!
566
00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:49,897
Okay, that's it, that's it.
567
00:11:49,900 --> 00:11:51,070
I'm not gettin' no cut,
568
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:52,067
I don't need no cut.
569
00:11:52,067 --> 00:11:52,827
You know what,
570
00:11:52,833 --> 00:11:53,873
we gonna find a way
571
00:11:53,867 --> 00:11:54,967
to get your woman back.
572
00:11:54,967 --> 00:11:55,927
Let's go.
573
00:11:55,933 --> 00:11:56,673
You're gonna help me, man?
574
00:11:56,667 --> 00:11:58,127
Yeah.
575
00:11:58,133 --> 00:11:59,273
You're so much nicer
576
00:11:59,267 --> 00:12:00,327
in the daytime, man.
577
00:12:00,333 --> 00:12:01,333
(Boris) I got it, I got it.
578
00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:02,473
(off-key) * Gotta bust a
579
00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:04,667
move... ♪
580
00:12:04,667 --> 00:12:06,067
Excuse me.
581
00:12:06,067 --> 00:12:07,497
Boris, we just did this
582
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:09,070
ten times in a row.
583
00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:10,597
Yeah, I know, it's good.
584
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:11,800
It's not good, man.
585
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:12,870
We got it, we got it.
586
00:12:12,867 --> 00:12:13,797
It's not good, the note
587
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:14,930
is supposed to be...
588
00:12:14,933 --> 00:12:15,603
♪ Move...
589
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:16,900
(off-key) * Yeah, move...
590
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:18,870
No, no...
591
00:12:18,867 --> 00:12:19,967
♪ Move
592
00:12:19,967 --> 00:12:20,927
(off-key) * Yeah, move...
593
00:12:20,933 --> 00:12:21,733
That's throwing you off.
594
00:12:21,733 --> 00:12:22,433
♪ Move...
595
00:12:22,433 --> 00:12:23,733
* Move... >> No.
596
00:12:23,733 --> 00:12:26,333
We're all moved, yes.
597
00:12:26,333 --> 00:12:27,273
Excellent.
598
00:12:27,267 --> 00:12:28,297
No, man.
599
00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:29,270
Everyone, that's a wrap.
600
00:12:29,267 --> 00:12:30,167
That's good, that's good,
601
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:31,197
we're cool.
602
00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:32,070
They want you
603
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:33,067
in wardrobe, okay.
604
00:12:33,067 --> 00:12:33,867
Not good, Boris.
605
00:12:33,867 --> 00:12:35,127
Could I have a word, please?
606
00:12:35,133 --> 00:12:36,873
Yeah, yeah.
607
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:40,870
The word is "please."
608
00:12:40,867 --> 00:12:42,897
Could you please take the role?
609
00:12:42,900 --> 00:12:43,770
Have you heard him?
610
00:12:43,767 --> 00:12:44,767
He's abominable.
611
00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:45,927
Get off your knees, man,
612
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,233
I'm a singer, man, I'm not--
613
00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:47,873
I'm not an actor.
614
00:12:47,867 --> 00:12:49,167
You don't have to be an actor
615
00:12:49,167 --> 00:12:50,497
to be in one of my plays.
616
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:51,600
You just have to act
617
00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:52,700
like an actor.
618
00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:53,530
Do you really
619
00:12:53,533 --> 00:12:54,603
talk like that?
620
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,230
Eric...
621
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:57,873
It's a pass, bro.
622
00:12:57,867 --> 00:12:59,167
Eric!
623
00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:01,800
Boris is gonna
624
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:02,670
sink this play.
625
00:13:02,667 --> 00:13:04,127
I want my money up front.
626
00:13:04,133 --> 00:13:06,073
Fret not, Child of Destiny.
627
00:13:06,067 --> 00:13:07,127
For mine ears bleed
628
00:13:07,133 --> 00:13:08,173
from that German's off-key
629
00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:09,297
caterwauling as well.
630
00:13:09,300 --> 00:13:11,200
But I have come up with
631
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,170
an ingenious plan, trust me.
632
00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:15,673
Whatever, David,
633
00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:17,667
I want my money... cash!
634
00:13:17,667 --> 00:13:18,627
Well, I never!
635
00:13:18,633 --> 00:13:19,573
(imitates) Oh, you better!
636
00:13:19,567 --> 00:13:20,497
(shocked gasp)
637
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,470
♪
638
00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:25,167
* I wanna get loud
639
00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:29,067
♪ I wanna get loud
640
00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:30,067
(Duane) It took some
641
00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:31,297
convincing, but Kevin finally
642
00:13:31,300 --> 00:13:32,370
agreed to let me manage
643
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:33,927
his pregnancy.
644
00:13:33,933 --> 00:13:35,073
Offers are coming in strong.
645
00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:36,227
Potential sponsors
646
00:13:36,233 --> 00:13:37,203
are lining up to get
647
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,800
a piece of Kevlita.
648
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,330
This baby is gonna pay
649
00:13:41,333 --> 00:13:42,403
for my babies!
650
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,130
Listen, guys, don't forget
651
00:13:44,133 --> 00:13:47,503
the two-name: KevLita.com.
652
00:13:47,500 --> 00:13:49,900
Boy-or-girl sweepstakes.
653
00:13:49,900 --> 00:13:51,130
(cameras clicking)
654
00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:51,933
Y'all see the bump,
655
00:13:51,933 --> 00:13:52,803
don't you?
656
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,270
That's mine.
657
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,167
(laughing)
658
00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,797
Come on, baby, let's go.
659
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,630
Slow down, baby,
660
00:13:58,633 --> 00:14:00,473
I don't want you to fall.
661
00:14:00,467 --> 00:14:01,667
Rub my back, rub my back.
662
00:14:01,667 --> 00:14:02,667
I got you, sweetheart.
663
00:14:02,667 --> 00:14:04,097
I got you.
664
00:14:04,100 --> 00:14:06,070
How you doing, man?
665
00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:07,727
Let my lady through first.
666
00:14:09,567 --> 00:14:10,897
What you looking at?
667
00:14:12,467 --> 00:14:14,327
Sir, let me--
668
00:14:14,333 --> 00:14:15,833
I wanna come in too.
669
00:14:15,833 --> 00:14:18,103
You see this?
670
00:14:19,133 --> 00:14:20,533
I can't step through that, man,
671
00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:21,803
you have to get up.
672
00:14:22,267 --> 00:14:23,467
All right, fine.
673
00:14:23,467 --> 00:14:24,597
I'm sorry.
674
00:14:25,867 --> 00:14:27,497
My bad, baby.
675
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:30,327
Sorry, don't wanna move?
676
00:14:30,333 --> 00:14:33,633
The consequences of not moving.
677
00:14:33,633 --> 00:14:35,233
Unh-unh, you not gonna do that.
678
00:14:35,233 --> 00:14:36,903
You not gonna do that.
679
00:14:38,733 --> 00:14:40,903
You wanna do this, then do it.
680
00:14:40,900 --> 00:14:42,070
You wanna battle, battle.
681
00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:44,470
Get your hands off me.
682
00:14:49,733 --> 00:14:52,573
I lost.
683
00:14:52,567 --> 00:14:53,497
You good?
684
00:14:53,500 --> 00:14:54,400
Yeah, I'm fine now,
685
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,100
I'm okay.
686
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:58,600
Mmm.
687
00:14:58,600 --> 00:14:59,430
Baby?
688
00:14:59,433 --> 00:15:00,103
Hmm?
689
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,370
Will you go get me a
690
00:15:01,367 --> 00:15:03,297
pastrami Jell-O sandwich?
691
00:15:03,300 --> 00:15:04,330
Okay, baby, the show's
692
00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:06,873
about to start. >> Please?
693
00:15:06,867 --> 00:15:07,767
I don't think they got
694
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:08,797
pastrami... >> Mmm...
695
00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:09,630
All right, I'll figure it
696
00:15:09,633 --> 00:15:10,503
out... >> Shh.
697
00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:11,700
Don't shush me.
698
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:14,270
You shush.
699
00:15:14,267 --> 00:15:15,227
Okay, I gotta get
700
00:15:15,233 --> 00:15:16,973
back out this way.
701
00:15:16,967 --> 00:15:18,727
Can you let me back--
702
00:15:18,733 --> 00:15:19,903
Okay.
703
00:15:23,233 --> 00:15:26,303
(applause)
704
00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:29,900
What you expect to happen?
705
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:30,870
(crunching popcorn)
706
00:15:33,267 --> 00:15:34,697
Duane...
707
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,100
Yeah?
708
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:36,870
Let me holla at you
709
00:15:36,867 --> 00:15:38,127
real quick.
710
00:15:38,133 --> 00:15:39,273
You see me and
711
00:15:39,267 --> 00:15:40,967
this (bleep) right here?
712
00:15:40,967 --> 00:15:42,697
I got this.
713
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:43,700
So whatever little plan
714
00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:45,300
you got crackin', I suggest
715
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:48,070
you kill it dead.
716
00:15:48,067 --> 00:15:49,697
Don't (bleep) with me.
717
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,200
You feel me? >> Hmm?
718
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,900
Just like Tisha-boo-boo,
719
00:15:52,900 --> 00:15:54,270
ain't nobody up in here
720
00:15:54,267 --> 00:15:55,897
need you.
721
00:15:55,900 --> 00:15:57,270
Got it?
722
00:15:57,267 --> 00:15:58,267
Yes, ma'am.
723
00:15:58,267 --> 00:15:59,067
Good.
724
00:15:59,067 --> 00:16:01,527
Now watch your little play.
725
00:16:01,533 --> 00:16:03,073
Enjoy.
726
00:16:03,067 --> 00:16:06,597
(giggles)
727
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:07,600
Breathe. >> Breathe.
728
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:08,300
Breathe, it's all about
729
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:09,870
breath, you got this.
730
00:16:09,867 --> 00:16:10,927
You got this, man.
731
00:16:10,933 --> 00:16:11,603
♪ Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm
732
00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:12,630
(shakily) * Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm
733
00:16:12,633 --> 00:16:13,333
You're gonna be good,
734
00:16:13,333 --> 00:16:14,333
man, you're gonna be good.
735
00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:15,073
No-no-no-no,
736
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:15,767
you're gonna be great.
737
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,797
He better be. >> Oh!
738
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:18,670
You will be. >> Yes!
739
00:16:18,667 --> 00:16:19,327
You will be.
740
00:16:19,333 --> 00:16:21,433
He most certainly will be.
741
00:16:21,433 --> 00:16:22,233
He's going to sound
742
00:16:22,233 --> 00:16:23,273
like an American Idol.
743
00:16:23,267 --> 00:16:24,067
* Ma-ma-ma-ma
744
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,067
Trust me. >> * Ma-ma
745
00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:25,897
You hear that?
746
00:16:25,900 --> 00:16:26,630
* Ma-ma
747
00:16:26,633 --> 00:16:27,603
Mm-hmm.
748
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:28,400
Sound like
749
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,270
an American Idol, man.
750
00:16:29,267 --> 00:16:30,567
Now go out there, man.
751
00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:31,527
And kill 'em,
752
00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:32,603
you're gonna be great.
753
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:33,600
Get ready.
754
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:34,870
(vicious growl behind door)
755
00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:35,967
Oh!
756
00:16:35,967 --> 00:16:39,967
♪
757
00:16:39,967 --> 00:16:42,197
(Kevin) As you might expect,
758
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:43,370
they didn't have pastrami.
759
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:44,467
So I had to go outside
760
00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:45,727
to get it.
761
00:16:45,733 --> 00:16:46,473
I'm sorry, sir,
762
00:16:46,467 --> 00:16:47,227
I can't let you in
763
00:16:47,233 --> 00:16:48,933
until after the act break.
764
00:16:48,933 --> 00:16:50,103
How long's that gonna be?
765
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:51,070
It's a black play--
766
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:51,767
tomorrow? >> Are you
767
00:16:51,767 --> 00:16:53,267
kidding me right now?
768
00:17:00,867 --> 00:17:03,727
Well, excuse you, too!
769
00:17:03,733 --> 00:17:06,333
(Boris) I just gotta...
770
00:17:06,333 --> 00:17:07,473
I gotta dance.
771
00:17:07,467 --> 00:17:08,767
♪
772
00:17:08,767 --> 00:17:12,497
(on-key) * I wanna go farther
773
00:17:12,500 --> 00:17:16,170
♪ I wanna be bigger, yeah
774
00:17:16,167 --> 00:17:17,097
♪ I wanna climb mountains,
775
00:17:17,100 --> 00:17:19,600
yeah ♪
776
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:21,500
♪ I gotta dance,
777
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,200
gotta bust a move ♪
778
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,930
♪ How do we figure it out?
779
00:17:26,933 --> 00:17:29,103
♪ Got so many questions
780
00:17:29,100 --> 00:17:30,900
on my mind ♪
781
00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:33,830
♪ Running from fear and doubt
782
00:17:33,833 --> 00:17:35,973
♪ I gotta see what dance
783
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,267
is all about... ♪
784
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:39,767
(both) * Whoa, whoa
785
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:41,597
♪ What do we know
786
00:17:41,600 --> 00:17:42,870
♪ Chasing these dreams,
787
00:17:42,867 --> 00:17:45,527
never letting go ♪
788
00:17:45,533 --> 00:17:47,273
♪ Whoa, whoa
789
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,267
♪ May never get
790
00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:50,567
this chance again, again... ♪
791
00:17:50,567 --> 00:17:52,367
(audience laughing)
792
00:17:52,367 --> 00:17:53,867
* Follow your heart,
793
00:17:53,867 --> 00:17:55,297
follow your heart... ♪
794
00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:58,200
(audience laughing)
795
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,200
Is that Boris singing
796
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:01,630
right now?
797
00:18:01,633 --> 00:18:03,303
* Follow your heart, lead
798
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:05,700
you where you wanna be... ♪
799
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:09,230
(laughing continues)
800
00:18:09,233 --> 00:18:11,303
That is Boris singing.
801
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:12,370
(singing continues)
802
00:18:12,367 --> 00:18:14,127
Kevin! Get your ass off
803
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:15,803
the stage, you ass(bleep).
804
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:16,800
Don't you call me
805
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,530
no damn ass(bleep).
806
00:18:18,533 --> 00:18:19,403
Wait a minute, wait a
807
00:18:19,400 --> 00:18:20,100
minute, hold on, hold on.
808
00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:20,930
How you talking to me and that's
809
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,973
supposed to be you singing?
810
00:18:22,967 --> 00:18:23,967
I knew that wasn't you singing.
811
00:18:23,967 --> 00:18:25,797
I recognize that voice, man.
812
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:26,970
That's Ruben Studdard.
813
00:18:26,967 --> 00:18:28,797
* Never letting go
814
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:29,570
Ruben! Everybody, make some
815
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:30,827
noise for Ruben Studdard!
816
00:18:30,833 --> 00:18:32,433
What's up, man?
817
00:18:32,433 --> 00:18:33,433
(cheering and applause)
818
00:18:33,433 --> 00:18:34,503
Yeah! Hey, man!
819
00:18:34,500 --> 00:18:36,400
What's up, Ruben?
820
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,430
(laughing)
821
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:40,903
Yeah! I knew that was you.
822
00:18:48,933 --> 00:18:50,203
Slow down, Grandma!
823
00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:51,630
Oh!
824
00:18:51,633 --> 00:18:54,073
Oh, man, he is not all that.
825
00:18:54,067 --> 00:18:55,397
You okay?
826
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,430
Yeah.
827
00:18:56,433 --> 00:18:58,073
No, you're not.
828
00:18:58,067 --> 00:19:00,627
Uh-ha-ha-ha.
829
00:19:00,633 --> 00:19:01,673
Ahh...
830
00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:02,697
Damn.
831
00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:06,270
(screaming continues)
832
00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:07,067
Come here, let me
833
00:19:07,067 --> 00:19:09,067
holla at you, partner.
834
00:19:09,067 --> 00:19:11,567
I'm thinking 60/40 my way.
835
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,497
You sound crazy-- 50/50.
836
00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:14,330
No, this time,
837
00:19:14,333 --> 00:19:15,873
I get the bump.
838
00:19:17,467 --> 00:19:18,927
♪
49936
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