Original subtitles

♪ This is the life

♪ Look at the life

♪ This is the city where we

♪ Party every night

♪ We do it big

♪ Diamonds and gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪

There she is.

Hey, you.

Hey, do you know what

time it is?

Girl, what you talking about?

It's 6:30.

You were supposed to be

here at 6:00.

Okay, that's

a half hour late.

Okay, that's okay?

I'm black early.

You are not black early,

you're just actually late.

I had to beg to get you

this show, okay?

First of all, you ain't have

to beg nobody.

I did.

No, you didn't.

I had to call

the booking agent,

Let me tell you what I am,

let me tell you what I am.

A star, say it.

I know you are,

I know you are.

I'm a star.

I'm not saying anything.

You're gonna say it.

No, I'm not gonna say it.

You think I care if he hear?

He know me.

This is a big deal for him.

Hey.

That jacket's big for you.

No, seriously, it's big for you.

And you being late?

That's why I don't book from

the D-list.

I'm the D-list?

Hey, I don't represent D-list

people, that's all I'm saying.

Oh, then you should not rep--

It offends me too.

Well, I hope you play some

D, Wayne, 'cause words like that

make me want to come at you!

Pressure point.

Oh, shut this side down.

Quit playing, quit playing.

Play this!

Oh, Three Stooges?

Really, really?

Jheri Curly.

What are you--

Wayne, what are you doing?

Why are you putting him in a--

No, no, no, no, no.

He has make-up.

That's not what we agreed on.

Baby, it's make-up.

Make-up's inside the box?

You done messed with

the wrong lawyer!

Why are we holding hands?

I don't know why we're

holding hands.

This isn't--

Are you seeing someone?

She probably hitting you with

her purse right now, you sucker!

♪

Waa...

Yo, Bobby, you like an

hour-and-a-half late, man.

The king is never late.

You're just unnecessarily early.

What's wrong, man?

You on that [bleep] again?

Yeah, I'm on that new [bleep]

called ego.

Listen, I want you to meet my

man, Rockstar.

Yeah, I know.

It's nice to meet me.

Whoo!

Swag.

And who is this [bleep]?

Whoa.

You might want to take a seat.

Go ahead, let him know what's

up, dog.

Hey, listen, listen.

This the producer that's been

working on Rihanna, Chris Brown,

One Direction and now me, baby.

You?

Rockstar gonna tighten up

them tracks that you've been

working on for me.

You mean the tracks that you

got you booked on "Damn, It's

Late with Wayne Brady"?

Damn!

I forgot to tell you.

The king won't be doing that.

Bobby's always been

a teen idol, baby.

Yeah, Bobby, but that was

like 110 years ago, though.

Be realistic.

Yeah, well, the king

is back, baby.

I just booked "106 & Park."

Whoo! [laughing]

♪

The name of the group is

The Alcoholics

and you can catch

them on the road with my man

here, David Faustino.

And speaking of fine women--

that's a segue way-- our next

guest has been a lingerie angel.

Whoo, like it.

Swimsuit model.

Love it.

And a fine-ass chicken

in a Kanye West video.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Selita Ebanks.

♪

Hey, sweetheart.

Thank you for having me.

Hey, how you doing?

Hi.

Hey.

Okay.

Oh, that--

Yeah.

That is--

Is this an AA meeting?

Yeah.

My name is Wayne

and he has a problem.

So, Miss Selita.

Yes.

Okay, now, let's just

get to it.

What are we getting to?

Let's talk about

that love life.

I don't have a love life, I'm

just focused on work right now.

You're focused-- But you've

got guys killing each other left

and right over you.

In fact, ladies and gentlemen,

I caught this

with the "Damn, It's

Late with Wayne Brady"

fight cam.

Take a look.

Jesus!

Romany!

Get off of me, Romany.

Can you guys please,

Can you guys please, you're embarrassing me!

you're embarrassing me!

God.

Those aren't two guys, Wayne,

those are two mitches.

Whoa, whoa, what's a "mitch"?

Oh, honey, you are.

Oh, hell yeah.

Well, "lucky" for you, one of

those mitches is here

with us today.

Ladies and gentlemen, you people

know what that means, right?

This is

"Celebrity Love Do-Over."

[cheering]

♪ The first time around

♪ Didn't work out great

♪ No need to stay home

♪ And masturbate

♪ Now we're gonna send you

♪ On a second date

♪ No need to cross

♪ Your fingers

♪ Or kiss a four leaf clover

♪ It's gonna work on on

♪ The Celebrity Love Do-Over

♪ Yeah ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

the mitchiest of all mitches,

Mr. Mitchy Mitch himself,

Mr. Kevin Hart!

What the hell is goin--

Hey!

What the hell?

What's up, everybod--

Oh, Faustino, what's up, man?

What's up, Mitch?

Mitch?

She was telling me it was--

Oh, Selita.

Oh, hey.

Wow.

She sprayed you like a bug.

She Raided his ass.

Oh!

Look man, much like your

first date with Selita, this is

not going well, but I'm here to

help you by giving you dinner

for two at your house with

the head chef of

the world-famous SoHo House.

Oh, come on, now.

Oh, yes.

Let's do it.

That's good.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, if Selita says yes.

Audience, what do you think?

Should she say yes?

Okay?

What?

Okay, the audience says yes.

What?

No pressure.

No.

I--I guess.

It's a yes!

It's a yes, that's what I'm

talking about,

"Celebrity Love Do-Over."

Hey, DJ Rashida, drop that.

Folks, thank you so much for

tuning in.

"Damn, It's Late with

Wayne Brady."

Yes, it is.

Yeah, come here.

Listen, you know damn well

I'm not going home with

you, right?

Well, I will be home waiting

for you to show.

Freaking weirdo,

get off of me.

Get your ass.

Mm.

Mm, oh, girl.

Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

What's up, Chef?

Would you like to try

the wine, sir?

Uh, you know what?

I'm gonna go ahead and let my

baby try it.

Papi, you are so romántico.

Papi, you are so romántico. Romántico,that's me.

Romántico, that's me.

That's the good stuff.

What's wrong?

That is not Moscato, okay?

Kevin, he tried to poison me.

What kind of crap

you give my lady?

This is a 1953 Richebourg.

This is $20,000 a bottle.

Yeah, well, you wasted your

money, okay, because I only

drink Moscato.

But that's a dessert wine.

Okay, well, go to the desert

and get me some, okay?

Matter of fact, you know what?

No, okay?

Because I had a liquor store on

the way here.

Kevin, give me the keys,

'cause I needed to

cash my check anyway.

Don't you work at

a bank, baby?

You don't [bleep] where you

eat, Kevin.

Give me the keys.

Okay, no problem at all.

I don't understand what you--

Baby, you're not gonna drive to

the desert, though, are you,

'cause-- That's not what

he was saying.

[sighing]

Oh, God.

I wish Selita was here.

[doorbell ringing]

♪

Hey, Selita, what are

you doing here?

♪

So you are alone.

I told you that I would be.

What, do you think I'm a liar?

The thought did run through

my mind.

Um...

What are you thinking now?

I think I'm hungry.

Me too.

I know what y'all thinking.

What's gonna happen when

crazy-ass Charmagne come back?

What's gonna happen?

What?

Hello, police?

I'd like to report

a stolen car, please.

Thank you.

Are you trying to get me drunk?

No.

No?

No.

Yes.

Yes, I am.

Wow.

Luckily for you, it's working.

Um, wow.

Thank you.

Where's your bathroom?

Where is my bath--

Upstairs.

Upstairs, near--

Near my bedroom.

It's right next to

the bedroom,

it's not next to--

The bathroom is

next to my bedroom upstairs.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Let me get out your way.

Oh, [beep].

All right.

Be good.

Yep, I'm good. [laughing]

Oh, look at that leg.

Yeah, buddy.

Oh, I got to make it

last tonight.

Here, take that, okay?

What about the dessert, sir?

Dessert is sitting her ass on

the toilet right now.

What I need you to do, is get

that salmon and swim your

ass upstream.

Get the hell out.

Kevin!

Kevin, Kevin!

Hey, listen--

Kevin, the police stole

your car, I had to walk here!

Shh!

Keep your [bleep] damn

voice down.

That is enough.

Are you drunk right now?

It is possible.

Uh-uh, uh-uh, you're done,

you have to go.

Get out?

What do you mean?

I'm the guy kicking your

ass out.

Kevin, what's going on?

Kevin, what are you doing?

Uh-uh, Kevin,

what is going on?

[knocking]

Damn Mormons selling deers

and bean pies.

I was like, I don't even want no

bean pies.

Charmagne.

When you get here?

Charmagne, Selita.

Nice to meet you, Charmagne.

You do know what's going on

here, don't you?

I do not know what is

going on here.

Well, okay...

Charmagne, we have three

options here.

"A," we could leave peacefully.

Okay, and "B," we could beat

the [bleep] out of him.

Or "C."

Good evening, ladies.

Is there anything else you

need me for?

Uh, give me a second.

What y'all--

What y'all looking at?

Are you sure, sir?

Hm.

So you let Chef Boyardee

leave with both your women?

That's a mitch move right there.

Shut your ass up, Bobby.

Wait wa--wait.

So you didn't get your

feel on or your filet mignon?

Shut your dumb ass up, Nick.

Over there looking like

a hip-hop bottle of ketchup.

That outfit's dumb.

Speaking of dumb, Bobby, how

the hell you pass up a chance to

go on the number-one late night

talk show?

I already told you.

The king is going for the youth.

Bobby, airtime is airtime.

Airtime is airtime.

Well, the king don't

have airtime.

That's because the king is

doing airtime.

Oh.

All right, you forgot about

that bracelet you got on

your ankle?

That ain't Louis Vuitton.

Okay, y'all can take that

little [bleep] ass [bleep]

outside the house.

You know what?

You ain't gotta tell

me twice.

Can one of y'all sign my

work release form?

Oh, hell no, I ain't

signing that.

I ain't going to jail.

Give me the form, Bobby,

just give me the form.

One drunk driver can't

sign another--

Allegedly!

Allegedly.

Love you, baby.

Ow!

Hey, Bobby, close my door

when you go out.

Shut up!

I'm not letting him back

in my house.

Hey, Nick, on a serious note,

I actually need your help, man.

You know Selita better than

anybody else at this table.

Not really.

Dude, what do I gotta do to

get her back?

Not gonna happen.

What you mean it's not

gonna happen?

Why?

She hates stupidity,

which you have an abundance of.

That's way too big of a word

for that outfit.

Wait a minute, you know what?

I know what this is about.

See, I shouldn't have ask Nick,

'cause Nick is really a gigolo

with a lot of dough, he wouldn't

know, would he?

Oh, you didn't go there,

did you?

He wouldn't know, would he?

What the hell you

talking about?

What do you mean?

You know exactly what I'm

talking about, Nick-uh.

You know what it is?

His cannon ain't have no boom.

She told you that?

Huh?

No, see, you wanna know

the truth?

I'll tell you the truth.

See, it was them damn kids.

That's what happened.

Yeah, them damn pre-thugs that

she had me at the park with,

I had to teach them how to read,

write, tie their bandanas.

Do you think I'm Wild 'N Out?

Them damn kids was Wild 'N Out.

It ain't got nothing to do with

the cannon, okay?

You wanna see the cannon

go boom?

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, hey!

Since I tricked Nick into

revealing Selita's weakness for

cute little needy kids, I called

up the cutest, neediest rugrats

I knew.

Hey, girl.

Who's your mother, Grace Jones?

'Cause you must be out of

your little foster mind if you

think I'm gonna pay that money.

If you keep complaining,

it's gonna be a thousand apiece.

Right, right, just be quiet,

deal, you got a deal.

Stand right here.

Hi.

Hi,.

Hi, what's your name?

I'm Noah.

Noah?

I'm Lola.

And Lola?

Yes.

Nice to meet you,

you're so pretty.

Thank you.

Kevin.

What are you doing here?

I had no idea you would be here.

I brought my kids down here to

throw the ball around

a little bit.

Are these-- Are these your

kids out here.

Says Selita.

Selita-- You gotta be

kidding me.

You know I do something called

Kevin's Kids.

Yeah, these are two of my kids.

I've been with these two for

so long.

I actually found them in

New Orleans after

the Katrina incident.

They were floating on

a Best Buy box.

Yeah, and I saved them,

saved their lives.

Oh, that's horrible.

Yeah.

Hey, do you mind if they join

the other kids and participate?

Of course.

Go ahead, use your legs.

The best that you can.

They were on that box

for eight days.

Kevin?

Yeah.

I thought I made myself

extremely clear when I said

I didn't want to see you again.

Well, what you gotta

understand is what seems clear

on a cloudy day might not be as

clear on an uncloudy clear day.

Dude, give it.

No.

Give it!

Give me the ball!

All right, guys,

let's play nice.

Hey.

Guys.

Hey!

What are you doing?

I got 'em, I got 'em.

Give me that ball before I send

you both back to the projects.

Is that what you want?

Our foster home is in

Bel-Air, fool.

What did you say, you little

fresh princess?

You want the money?

Then you better cut it out.

All right.

How about we play a game of

Kevin Says?

No!

For money?

Y'all wanna play for money?

Yeah!

[laughing] All right, okay.

All right,

let's start off small.

Kevin says, "put your left hand

on your head."

Good, good.

Kevin says, "put your right hand

on your hip."

All right, everybody do

the "Kevin Shake" right now.

I never said "Kevin says."

You're out, you're out,

you're out.

All right, Kevin says,

"everybody go give Selita a hug

and kiss right now."

Okay, all right.

Okay, that's okay.

Did I say lick your tongue out?

You're out.

Get over here, get over here,

and sit.

In a playful way.

In the joking kid, way.

Kevin says

for Selita to give

him a kiss, huh?

Ooh!

Yeah, that's my guy.

Kids want to see it, might as

well make it happen, girl.

Oh!

You's crazy.

Come on, kids.

Kevin says to whoop some

kid's ass, how about that?

How about that?

Come back!

Get--

♪

[laughing] No, no!

I was dominating you guys.

Let's go.

Oh.

Whoo.

Oh.

You okay?

No, I ain't okay.

Well, you're great with

the kids.

Why thank you.

I appreciate that.

Does that, uh... Does that mean

that you forgive me?

Oh.

It looks like you asking me

for my phone.

I'ma give it to you.

That's a different number,

that's not your old number.

I had your other one memorized.

I'm not like a stalker,

I'm just, like, a guy who likes

you a lot.

Ooh.

I'm gonna call you every day.

Every day.

I love the kids.

Real tender moment, mitch.

Where's our money?

You better go to the ATM

right now.

Okay, well, there's one on

the other side of the hill,

so I'll go to that one.

Is that all right with you?

Mm-hmm.

Just give me a second.

I'll be right back.

♪

[screaming]

♪

Wayne, it was wonderful.

No, stop it,

you're wonderful.

No, you're wonderful.

You're wonderful.

Give me a butterfly kiss.

Aww...

Hey, true love, right?

That is a first here on

"Celebrity Do-Over."

Let's hear it for 'em.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the question is,

will it last?

Huh, kids?

Ooh, kids, speaking of kids,

I happen to have

two people right now

who are gonna give us

a little inside dirt on what's

happening with our

celebrity hookup.

All the way from Bel-Air,

give it up for Lola and Noah.

Wait hold on, you got to be

kidding me.

Up top.

Hey, princess.

Hey.

You guys, look, Kevin.

Wow.

Look at this, huh?

Look at this.

What the hell are you

doing here?

Playing a game, it's called

"Lola says pay us or else."

You better--

Okay, so kids, I want you to

tell all your friends in

the audience exactly

what you told

Uncle Wayne about

Kevin backstage.

I think that's really between

y'all Wayne--

Shh.

Well, like I told

you before...

Yes?

I'm not sure how to say this.

Just-- just say it.

You gonna do-- you really--

Kevin Hart is...

Is...

Uh [coughing]

All right, you win, you win.

Kevin Hart is...

[whispering] There go your

money-- It's right there.

Kevin Hart is?

Come on, don't stop.

Kevin Hart is...

Most kindest,

most generous person

I know.

He saved our lives by putting us

in Ms. Selita's program.

He's truly my Barack Obama.

Aww...

All about change.

Now, I know y'all think those

kids hustled me and that's fine.

It was worth it to me.

Let me ask you a question.

How much would you pay to be

with the woman of your dreams?

[bleep] damn it!

I paid that?

Oh...

Right now, put your hands

together for one of the hottest

acts in the country, ladies

and gentlemen, the king,

Mr. Bobby--

What do you mean he

isn't here?

Where the hell is Bobby Brown?

"106 & Park," man, y'all give

it up for the 44-year-old

teen sensation, Bobby Brown.

[cheering]

♪ Boogedy bounce

♪ It's going down down

♪ Plenty of mouths

♪ Crowded around 'round

♪ I just came here to spend

♪ Some money y'all

♪ Oowee

♪ Only got one out of town

♪ I told her

♪ Let me get your jersey

♪ That's your name

♪ And your number

♪ I told her

♪ Let me get your jersey

♪ That's your name

♪ And your number

♪ I told her

♪ Let me get your jersey

♪ I told her

♪ Let me get your jersey

♪ I told her

♪ Let me get your jersey

♪ That's your name

♪ And your number

♪ Usually I don't

♪ Hit the clubs

♪ But I just got a-- ♪