Original subtitles

♪

KEVIN HART: All right, so I'm

flying my private jet.

It's me, Prince, Stevie Wonder.

Wow.

Now I'm comin' in hot, babe,

and when I say hot, I mean fast.

So what I gotta do is I gotta

turn my plane upside down.

Keep in mind I'm drunk as

[beep], baby.

I even take out this "Magic

City" sign, boom!

Here's my thing.

Last year, the same story that

I just told you popped up in

a damn movie.

I don't get mad about it.

I ain't tryin' to go start no

legal war, but I'm not stupid.

I know my story, you get what

I'm saying?

Come on.

Anyway, I'm over here talking

about myself for the past

three hours.

I ain't asked nothin' about

you yet.

Yeah, seriously.

Did I tell you that we filmed

"Think Like a Man" here?

Yeah. Ten times.

All right.

Tell me what you do when you're

thinking like a woman.

Let me hear it.

Um, I'm an actress.

Get outta here.

And that was in my profile

which I thought you read.

I didn't read that.

Which you didn't.

Haven't got that type

of time.

And, um, I was in that movie

that you were just talking

about--"Flight."

The only thing I remember

in "Flight" was that naked girl

in the beginning.

I remember nothing else.

You the na--

Girl, you are playin' with me.

Come on, you knew that.

Come get my food 'cause

I can't eat no more!

I'm sure everybody out there

is wondering how I landed

the girl from "Flight."

Well, uh, understand something,

people.

I was having a tough time

finding me a woman who is equal

to my stature.

I'm not talkin' about my height.

I'm talkin' about success,

people.

So, I found this exclusive

dating website.

-It's called 2Famous2 -Date.com.

Those exclusive dates included

me so I pumped up my profile.

So, why did you put that

you're 6'12" in your profile

picture--which isn't even

a real number.

Okay, I'm like one of those

objects in your rearview mirror.

I'm much bigger than I seem.

Hm...

Let that marinate.

Come on.

Is it in there yet?

Almost.

Okay, I'll tell you what.

You think about it.

I'm gonna go drain

the main vein.

[laughs]

Okay.

I'll be here.

The naked girl in "Flight."

Mm-hm.

You are something else.

Woo.

[cell phone vibrating]

Oh, goodness gracious.

An aftershock.

[door slams open]

Who the hell is this skank?!

Girl, you shouldn't even

be in here.

I'm peeing!

Let me pull it up.

You got my phone!

Give it to me!

Give me my phone!

[shrieking]

Your profile said nothing

about you being crazy!

What is--

You got a nipple ring?

Okay, go time!

Oh, my God, jump it hard!

Jump, baby!

Ooof! Ooof! Ooof!

♪

Play the five.

Ah!

No!

You're breaking my balls!

You got baby balls, Kevin.

I can't help myself.

But as a former top ranked

tennis professional,

I am programmed to destroy

my opponents.

And to wear tiny shorts

all the time.

I have to tuck the wardrobe.

You went out with

Nadine Velazquez?

Are you sure you can

follow Denzel?

He got nominated for

hittin' that.

No, he did not.

Yes, he did.

Why are you so anal about...

Get a pool guy, Kevin.

I don't like that guy

I had.

I caught him pissing in the pool

one day and it got weird.

Speaking of water.

What time are you guys going

to JB's hot Jacuzzi party?

What?

JB's what?

The hot Jacuzzi party.

[laughing]

He [beep] laughs, but I

didn't say nothing funny.

No, it's just that, you know,

we don't get invited to JB's

hot tub parties.

Everybody's not friendly?

Why are you laughing?

No, no, no, no.

Shall I tell him?

What do you mean why?

They invited you 'cause

you're fat.

That's nice.

That's real sensitive.

What are you talking

about--fat?

Okay, tell him.

Okay, look, imagine if

Nicole and I went over to

their party.

Mm-hm.

Shahidah, she would just like

stare at me the whole night

and my abs and my arms

and everything and then JB would

look at Nicole like she was

a piece of steak.

I look at Nicole like she's

a piece of steak.

I look at Nicole like that.

That's not the same point.

I'd bite that steak.

The point is.

Do you understand my point?

They would never invite us

'cause we're so [beep] sexy.

Well, that's my point.

Why would you invite me to

your party?

I'm a catch.

That's why you invite me to

Temptation Island.

Winner.

[laughs]

Don't invite the catch to

a clam bake.

I'm a catch.

That's weird.

I'm gonna let that kinda

die down for a second.

You know what you need,

Faizon?

You need that new Ything

that's comin' out.

Yeah, I heard about that.

I heard they got this new app

that will actually help you

lose calories.

What?!

Yeah, you pick the body you

want and you rub the phone

on your stomach.

The Ything is the most amazing

smartphone ever made.

Now no one knows what it is,

how much it costs, or what it

can do.

But I know you gotta be stupid,

if you're not in line at 6 a.m.

on Saturday to find out.

Get the Ything and fire

Greg the trainer.

You got a trainer?

Yeah, I have a trainer.

[doorbell rings]

What do you guys do?

We do gym [beep].

You go to Jim's house.

So the phone comes with

the app?

You gotta be kidding me.

No [beep].

Oh!

Hold on!

Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

Hey! Hey!

Stop.

Listen, we can't do this.

Not now. Not right here.

I got my friends in the back.

It's poker night--

Don't talk.

Take your clothes off.

Y'all gotta get the [beep]

out right now!

'Cause what I got ain't gonna

last long.

Come this way.

Go up. Go up.

Oh, [beep], I'm down.

But I'm still up, if you know

what I mean.

♪

KEVIN HART: The past five

days have been the best

days of my life.

I'm talking the best sex

I've ever had.

Left hand, you are officially

fired.

I mean, we've done it

everywhere--her house, my house,

her car, my car, her church,

my church's chicken.

It's been a real rodeo, baby.

NADINE: [snoring]

Top it off. Top it off.

CELL PHONE: Warning!

Warning! Warning!

Warning!

[beeping]

What the...?

Unh-unh.

Hey!

NADINE: What the hell

is this?

Why aren't you in here?

This is all my stuff!

NADINE: You're crazy!

And what about this?

KEVIN: I'm not crazy.

NADINE: What [beep] is it?

KEVIN: I caught her going

through my junk and the next

thing I know, she was going

through my junk.

BOTH: [grunting, gasping]

NADINE: Oh, my God,

jump it hard!

JB: Hey, baby, turn those

burgers for me before they burn!

[laughing]

Oh, look who's here!

What's up, girl?

Oh, look at you, girl.

Ooh, you lost weight?

And you found it.

[laughing]

Ah!

Ooh!

Go in and have a good time,

baby. [smacks butt]

Woo!

Ooh, you're already wet, boy.

That sweat is gravy.

[laughs]

Let me get it up.

Let me get it up now.

Oh, Rosita! José! Woo!

ALL: [laughing]

Don't eat me.

Don't eat me now.

You two have a good time.

Don't eat all the damn ribs.

Save some food for me.

[laughing]

Faizon!

What a fool! [laughing]

What happened?

Faizon said to meet him

at 2 p.m., Kevin's house,

Saturday.

You're doing an obstacle course.

And he says you only invited

us here because we're fat.

[chomps chips]

Well, if the shoe fits...

eat it.

You got the audacity to come to

my hot tub party and punch me

in my face in front of all

my fat friends and then you're

gonna challenge me to an

obstacle course, right?

You're goin' down, big boy!

Faizon Love, you goin' down!

♪

For the record, there's no

way Faizon is gonna beat JB

in a race.

He's gigantic.

Faizon was all-state, B.

You mean all-plate.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Oh, my God.

I'm so happy to see y'all right

now, man.

Look, you remember that crazy

girl Nadine?

She's stalking me right now.

Just hide me.

Look, let me stand in here with

y'all just until this thing

blows over.

You wouldn't be trying

to cut in line here?

We've been here all night.

Get outta here. Go.

Get outta here.

We wait in line.

You wait in line.

What are y'all doing?

I don't give a damn about

your [beep]!

Hey! You don't get it.

Watch who you're bumping

into, Kevin Hart.

Well, well, well...

If it isn't little old

fat Jesus.

I'm ready. I'm so ready.

I'll bring it back.

Blocked. Blocked. Defended.

I see you brought help

with you.

Who's that--Fat Mary?

It's my little sister, punk.

Oh, is it?

Hey, little baby Oprah.

How you doing?

The name's Chelsea!

What?

[punch]

CROWD: [gasps]

Ow!

You brought a ringer with you?

I'll fight you both.

I'll take your hair and...

[screeches] pull it!

What you gonna listen to now,

Calvin--nothin'!

NADINE: Kevin!

Oh, God.

We're gonna settle this

when I get back.

She's comin' back!

What you doing?

NADINE: Kevin! Kevin!

Don't bring her over here.

Kevin!

He's over here.

Kevin!

Oh, God.

I told you she's stalking

me, man.

I'm stalking you?

You are stalking me.

You were hiding behind

the panties--I saw your face.

Why don't you just stop it!

You like that, don't you?

Why don't you stop it!

What, do you have a video

camera in my car?

You ain't seen nothing!

Everybody, look, she's got ten

new Ythings in this bag!

CROWD: [gasping, screaming]

[police sirens wailing]

You [beep] up.

I got you on 48 different

cameras yellin', I got ten new

Ythings!

Why?

Because I had to, man.

Okay, this crazy woman who I had

never even seen before came into

the men's bathroom, busted

in on me.

I had my stuff all out.

I mean, she did it for no reason

whatsoever.

What was I supposed to do?

[sultry music]

There you go.

Talk to me.

So, take your time.

Tell me why you burst into

that bathroom.

[sultry music]

He lied to me.

He told me he had never

been married.

[loud thud]

Ow! Ow!

What's wrong with you, man?!

Smackin' me!

Okay, look, I told her that

I wasn't married...right now.

Of course, I got an ex wife.

Everybody's got an ex wife,

right?

Okay, how about we deal with

the fact that this crazy,

deranged sex machine barges

into my panic room and starts

going through my things.

Panic room?

[laughs]

More like his panty room.

Oh...

KEVIN: Gotta get

my energy up.

NADINE: The only reason

I was snooping around his house

was because I suspected he was

a panty-stealing perv.

And I was right.

These are my [beep] panties!

But nothing could have prepared

me for what happened today.

I was out shopping for panties

to replace the ones he had

stolen when I caught the little

pervert spying on me.

Kevin?

Nobody in here but us

panties.

NADINE: [grunts]

Where are you?

Let me have the panties!

Who wants in?

Oh...

[gasping]

I don't want 'em.

She's a panty perv.

Pervert!

I was so mad, I left without

buying my new panties.

That's why I don't have

any on right now.

[water spurts]

She said I followed her into

the panty store?

That's a lie.

I was at the mall and I was

trying to get the new Ything

and that's when she started

following me.

[crotch rips]

And if you think that

didn't happen--

COPS: [vomiting]

--you're all nuts.

Did somebody cut the air down?

So, if he was so insane,

tell me why you stayed with him.

KEVIN: Because she hit

my spot.

NADINE: He hit my spot.

KEVIN: Will you wait

a second, please.

NADINE: I don't wanna talk

to you.

KEVIN: Will you wait

a second?

NADINE: I don't wanna talk

to you!

KEVIN: Listen to me...

Listen.

Girl, you're gonna talk to me.

NADINE: No, I'm not.

KEVIN: Can you stop

for a second? God!

I wanna talk.

Okay, fine, I go first.

Screw you.

Screw you!

Oh, screw me?

Then screw me!

Here we go.

Come on, you have time.

Take it.

I'm about to shell-shake

that ass.

NADINE: [screams]

FAIZON & JB: [grunting]

You gonna invite me to your

hot tub party 'cause I'm fat?

You're very fat!

I ain't fat, I'm lean, sucka.

Huh? Who?

You're fat, man.

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

FAIZON & JB: [roaring]

We was talking about

fat people and I was talking

about you!

Oh, set your eyes!

All right, here?

Okay.

Did you finish the race already?

No.

'Cause y'all gettin' sweaty.

'Cause my body's a machine.

I'm always burning carbs, baby.

That's right.

After Kevin started the riot,

we were only able to loot,

I mean buy, one Ything, and this

race right here's gonna settle

who gets it and my money

is on JB, the Kenyan.

All right, y'all, all right.

Get ready!

Okay.

Set...

[pistol fires]

He got a gun!

Run, Faizon, run!

Go!

♪

[Beep]!

[grunting]

♪

We're turning!

[laughing] Look at Faizon.

Faizon's gonna win.

What?

He's 30 yards ahead of yours.

He's 1100 pound ahead of him.

That JB's about to die.

$1000 JB come off

the court first.

[laughing] $1000?

It's a bet.

Come on.

I'm countin' on you, baby.

Dang!

Three! Woo!

♪

There's no way to get across!

Come on, who's gonna win

at the end?

♪

It can be me!

[laughing]

A thousand dollars, baby.

Come on.

He's a princess?

When did they start puttin'

steroids in gravy, huh?

Come on, JB!

You can do it.

Come on, J!

JB, come on!

Yeah!

JB?

Oh, he's about to drown.

Get it! Get it!

Like you did in prison. Yeah!

♪

Why did I include the hot dog

eating contest in the obstacle

course?

'Cause I'm the Black Kobayashi.

That's Japanese for hot-dog-

eatin' mother [gong rings].

[gasping for air]

Faizon, come on!

You can do it.

What are you doing?

There you go. Come on!

You gotta win this!

Got a thousand dollars

on this, man.

KEVIN: [sighs]

Today was some day, wasn't it?

You know, when a day like this

happens, you gotta look around--

Well, you know, we can go

in the house or...

you could probably keep

that on.

I wanna have sex.

Okay, well--

Handle me.

Hey, will you stop!

I just got out of jail.

Wait.

Okay.

Okay, listen...

Wait a minute.

No!

You're strong.

No!

Stop it!

[groans]

Stop it!

Okay, talk to me.

Please.

You are just like me.

You get turned on by chaos

just like me.

No, I'm not--

Girl, stop!

Or I hit you back--

You callin' my bluff?

Mmm.

Look, I don't like all that.

That [beep] hurts.

Seriously, I wanna be a man

and a woman that does...

that does gentle stuff.

Like I wanna take a walk in

slippers and put my hand in

your back pocket.

I want you to give me

a piggy-back ride.

These are things that mean love.

And right now, all you care

is about my sugar pole.

Oh, baby.

Thank you.

That is the stupidest [beep]

I have ever heard!

Oh, my God!

Who says that?

Well, first of all, I read

a book where Maxwell says--

Why don't you call me when

you grow a pair of balls!

Okay, first--

I'm outta here.

Nadine.

Tiny little-- [screams]

Oh, [beep]! Damn it!

NADINE: What the [beep]!

Oh, shoot.

NADINE: Hey!

You just ran me over,

you fat [beep]!

Hey!

I'm comin'.

You ran over me!

JB!

Nadine!

Just shut up! You are so...

sexy!

FAIZON: Ooh.

You're so sexy.

Oh, no, she can't.

Nadine!

I couldn't get outta

my safety belt!

Nadine!

What just happened?

[breathlessly]

She gave me her number.

I told you I was a catch.

Nadine!

This ain't what you want!

[sighs]

I told you I was a catch! ♪