Original subtitles

KEVIN HART: Comin' up on

"Real Husbands of Hollywood"...

Everything Kevin Hart has

done, I did it before.

Laugh at my pain.

I brought the pain, okay?

[laughing]

Oh, it's gonna be funny to see

this one go down.

♪

Oliver, baby, come on now.

Shake it off.

You go on stage and you rip

or you get ripped.

Why are your lips so chapped?

My lips are chapped?

You're on in five minutes!

Your act should be in your head.

No, it shouldn't!

It shouldn't.

OLIVER: What? [sighs]

> Listen ...y, hey, hey.

Get it together.

I know you're nervous.

But guess what?

We are your friends, hm?

We're here to support you.

I knew JB and the boys were

gonna come down.

But I really didn't expect Kevin

to come support me.

I didn't come here to

support him.

You know, it kills me how people

wanna always disrespect our art.

I mean, this is the only

profession that everybody

assumes that they can do.

You don't see people walking

into an operatin' room sayin',

hey, doc, gimme five minutes,

I'ma kill you.

It never happens.

It always happens in comedy,

though.

So, you know what I decided

to do to make sure old Oliver

doesn't walk away with any

confidence?

I decided to put him in between

a "Rock" and a "Hart" place.

♪

Whose house?

Oh, my God!

Rock's house!

ALL: [hooting]

Brooklyn in the house.

Brooklyn, yes!

Oh, my gosh.

Get off the floor.

This the guy y'all been

talkin' about?

So you're gonna do some

stand-up.

Yes, I'm gonna do some

stand-up, sir, just like you.

This is my hero right here.

Really?

You're the last like master.

You're the blueprint, man.

I'm the blackprint,

all right?

That's true.

Now, if you wanna me like me,

you gotta wear the hat.

The what?

I don't know about that.

Y'all didn't give him

the Murphy-Pryor hat?

No, he's not that...

He's not hat funny?

Not yet.

What's the hat, y'all?

Way back in the day, right,

the first time Eddie Murphy did

the Apollo, he got so sick,

he didn't even wanna go on.

Then, outta nowhere, the

greatest comedian of all time,

Richard Pryor shows up

and Richard Pryor looks at Eddie

over there just throwin' up

and says, wipe your mouth, boy!

Oh, God!

The rest is history.

the rest is history.

It gets me every time, y'all.

Like it's literally the most

motivating story I've ever

heard.

Mm, but what about the hat?

What hat?

Y'all were talking about

a hat already like this Murphy-

Pryor hat?

What's...

OTHERS: Oh...

I gotta know.

I guess so.

Don't let Eddie Murphy down.

You're the [beep] with

the hat now.

Good luck, man.

CROWD: [applauding, cheering]

I feel like Kevin Hart

up here, y'all.

Let me tell y'all.

I'm glad y'all came, man.

[indiscernible]

This next cat comin' to the

stage, they say he's supposed to

be the next.

Yeah, I'm about to enjoy

watching him die.

This'll be good.

Yeah, like the first time

I watched you.

I'm sorry, what?

Me? Die? Come on now.

Pookie must still be high

from "New Jack City."

Remember? He was like...

GARY: So, y'all show some

love for Oliver Grant!

OLIVER: Yeah! Woo!

CROWD: [light applause]

OLIVER: What's up, y'all?

How y'all doin', man?

[microphone feedback whines]

OLIVER: Yeah. All right.

Ooh, y'all see 'em--Kevin Hart,

Chris Rock, Anthony Anderson,

and JB Smoove, Chris Spencer.

You know what it is.

They came to see me.

CROWD: [applauding]

OLIVER: Okay.

You know what I love?

Rihanna, right?

How fine is Rihanna?

Forehead and all, right?

That's just more Rihanna

for me, right?

[coughs]

I'ma do it from the mic stand.

Rihanna is so fine that...

If I slept with her, I would

tell my girl.

My girl be like, why you

smilin'

and I be like, I'm glad

you asked, right?

This guy's horrible.

I gotta get outta here before

this unfunny rub off on me.

Nice to see you.

We got lunch tomorrow.

Yes, man.

Why do you have to remind

me like I'm a kid?

'Cause you're a kid.

Okay, that's funny.

OLIVER: No, I'm not poor.

I'm just at a broke place...

uh...

My plan worked.

Oliver's gonna be my assistant

until he's 80.

I might even lower his salary.

♪

Now, Kev, you've been

beggin'

to go on the road for years,

man, but now that you're finally

funny, we should do it.

I don't like to say it, but

some people said I was funnier

than you.

You know what?

Even that's funny right there

and that's why we're gonna sell

out arenas all over the world.

Dude, I'm in.

Okay.

And I've already been

thinking the name, okay?

Tell me what you think of this.

Kevin Hart and Chris Rock Live.

I was thinkin' more

like, uh...

Chris Rock World Tour...

Introducing Kevin Hart.

Why don't we go with this?

Kevin Hart World Tour...

Resurrecting Chris Rock

'cause people thought you

was dead, man.

I was, he ain't dead.

Well, I was, you know...

doin' voice-over work,

"Madagascar," you know.

Ah, I mean...

A zebra brings in some

change, Kevin.

No, I know. I bet it does.

But you're talking like two

days of work.

Yeah, yeah, but it takes

time to spend that money.

You're gonna learn about all of

that on tour with me.

Okay.

Okay, this will be perfect.

You come out and you do about

15 minutes, right?

Okay.

Then Chaka Khan comes out,

sings for about 45.

I come out, do about an hour

and a half.

People will be gettin'

their money's worth, Kev.

Like after having this

conversation with you, I see

why everybody hates Chris.

I get it.

Everybody hates Chris. See?

Everybody knows me 'cause of

all the stuff I did--

like "Everybody Hates Chris."

If Kevin had a show, it'd be

called "Nobody Knows Kevin."

Who the hell knows

who Kevin Hart is? Really?

Nobody knows who Kevin Hart

is except his fans and even

they're waiting for Nick Cannon

to show up.

Kevin, what you gotta understand

is I'm actually famous.

You're more Black famous.

What?

That's right.

I'm like, I host the Oscars.

You hosted the Roscoes.

Wow.

I'm famous in Beverly Hills.

You're famous at

the Fox Hill Mall.

I mean...

There's no way how you can

tell me that I'm Black famous.

I'll pay the bill.

Pay the bill?

Yes, that's how I'm--

You know, I forgot you're

an opening act.

Let me show you how we roll

at my level.

KEVIN: Wait.

Chris.

Chris, what are you...

Chris?

I don't see a waitress.

[clears throat]

Just a Black man takin'

a walk, people.

Nothin' to be suspicious about.

Chris!

♪

KEVIN HART: [laughs]

What the hell did you just walk

out on the bill for, Chris?

Kev, Kev, check out this

jacket.

Listen, I would love to check

out the jacket, but right now

I'm concerned about why you're

walking out on bills, man.

Kev, feel it. Just feel it.

Oooh.

Hey, man.

Ooh, come on.

That's a nice jacket.

What is that?

That's like a nude buck suede

leather?

Yes. Yes.

That's nice.

Step out here so I can really

see it.

You like it? You like it?

Walk in it.

Let me see you walk.

I'ma walk in it.

Oh, hell, yeah.

Let me see if they got--

Chris, they got two!

You know what that means.

♪ That means that we can be

♪ The twins of comedy

Like...like, uh...

Chris, you leave?

Chris?

Chris!

Chris. What the hell?

You just walk out with

that jacket on?

Kev, check out this

watch, man.

It's incredible.

Listen--

You know what?

This'll look good on you.

Chris, listen, it probably

would, man.

First of all, I'm not payin'

that for no watch, I mean,

so that's not gonna

happen--ever.

Then take it.

Well, Chris, you gotta be--

Hey, Chris? Chris?

Chris?

Ohhhh...

Confessionals are normally used

as a device to tell our audience

our thoughts on what is really

goin' on.

Um...

right now, I don't know what

the hell is goin' on.

Chris!

Chris, I know you hear me

callin' you.

Chris!

Chris, let me ask you something.

What the hell are you doin, man?

What are you talking about,

Kevin?

I'm talking about you

stealing right now.

I'm not stealing.

Kev, Kev, when you reach

my level, it's not called

"stealing," it's called

"endorsing."

Wow. Wow, huh?

You're just not at this level

yet and no one's asked you to

endorse anything.

KEVIN: Oh, no!

SECURITY GUARD: Hey! Hey!

Stop right there!

Hey! Hey!

I'm not the man you want.

This is who you want. Him!

He's the thief.

Calm down, little man.

I just want you to take

a picture of me and Mr. Rock,

all right?

Come on. Come on.

[laughing]

KEVIN: Are you serious

right now?

GUARD: Yeah.

You'd better get that

15 minutes ready.

Chaka's bringin' the heat.

Say "headliner."

BOTH: Headliner!

♪

So, I went over the contract

and it's 75 cities.

Mm-hm.

First-class accommodations,

of course, and a 60/40 door

split after expenses.

Forty?

I was gonna give Rock 45.

The 40 was for you.

Oh, we gotta change that.

I already did.

Who is your lawyer?

I negotiated a 50/50 door split.

Mmm!

Just on one condition.

What?

That you open.

That I...that I open?

Oh, hell, no, I'm not opening

for nobody.

I don't even open my own

damn mail. No.

You know, I've been meaning

to talk to you about that.

You haven't paid me in like

six months, so, if you could,

you know, whoever you have

opening your mail for you,

have them, you know, get the

bills to you and then you sign

the checks and--

Today is your lucky day.

[chuckling]

Can an opener get you that?

Hm? Um, what is this?

It's a gift.

Why are you wearing a woman's

bracelet?

Why was that casually on

your wrist?

That's definitely not

a woman's bracelet.

It is a woman's bracelet--

It's not.

I've seen this in the women's

department.

Let's just agree to disagree.

Okay, fine.

You know what--here's the thing.

I want you to stop spending.

I've already talked to you

about that.

If it's about spending,

I didn't pay for that.

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, what?

What do you mean?

Listen, stars like me walk

into stores and just take

what we like.

It's called endorsing.

No. No, it's not.

It's actually called Grand

Larceny.

What? It's not Grand Larceny.

What are you talking about?

Okay. Okay, Kevin.

Who were you with when you were

out "endorsing."

No one was with you?

Oh, no, no, no, Chris Rock.

Chris Rock was there.

But he didn't get nearly as much

stuff as I got 'cause he's not

as big a star as me, so...

Okay. All right.

Fine. I understand.

I get it now. It's fine.

Upscale stores often give

celebrities free things,

and it's customary to throw

the friend a bone, also.

I get it now.

Now I understand. Fine.

You had me really nervous there.

You listen and you listen

good--I am nobody's friend.

I'm a star.

I don't get thrown bones.

I throw bones.

I don't need this.

What?

Okay, I've offended you.

I'm sorry.

Kevin, where are you going?

Endorsing.

Okay, well...

Did you just steal my mug?

KEVIN: I endorsed it!

That's 1200 right there.

We're walking around Beverly

Hills as if we own the damn

place, do you hear me?

One time, I was with

Vince Vaughn at Tiffany's.

He saw this 10 carat bracelet

for his girl.

He had them gift wrap it, talked

out the door, didn't say

nothin'

to them, they didn't say

nothin'

to him.

Nobody did.

Really?

That's Vince Vaughn, though.

Have any of you done it?

I've done it.

1997!

Woo!

We're back to vibes.

It was that swing, baby.

That was your error.

Kev, Kev, don't say

[beep] man.

This is the only four months of

his career that he has to talk

about.

Let him live.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

We're at this golf tournament

in Jamaica.

We walk into a pro shop.

Damon Wayans walks in.

They give him $30,000 worth of

gear and they gave me a set of

tailor-made golf clubs.

Crazy!

They threw you a bone.

No, no, tailor-made.

No, they threw you a bone.

What's that?

Well, see, here's the thing.

When you're a star, it's one

thing.

But when you're the lackluster

friend... [clicks tongue]

...that would be Chris right

there, they give you a gift,

aka, a bone.

They threw you a bone.

At least I can admit being

thrown a bone.

I don't get thrown bones

'cause I'm a star.

No, you're not a star,

you're popular.

I'm a star.

Look up--you'll see me.

Nobody looks up to see you.

You're like the homecoming

king--there'll be another

[beep] next year.

OTHERS: [laughing]

Oliver! Oliver! Oliver!

Bring that pie over here, man.

KEVIN: That was low.

Man, you guys should have

really hung out the other night.

The man was doin' his thing.

You might be lookin' at the next

Richard right here.

The next Richard Simmons?

Richard Roundtree?

Or maybe he's just a [beep].

OTHERS: Ohhhh...

Now we're done with the B

story, can we get back to

the A story?

Look, I want y'all to meet

me at Sunset Plaza tomorrow.

I'm gonna throw a bunch of you

mitches a bone.

Oliver!

Oliver, that pizza better

not be on that granite!

Kevin is about to be more

embarrassed more than he was

at the "Soul Plane" premiere.

You know, he was the only

one there.

♪

MEN: [laughing]

WAITER: Will there be

anything else?

Yes, there is.

Hey, y'all, your food great?

Y'all get it. Now's the time.

It's my treat, guys.

Hey, I'm good.

Okay, great.

WAITER: Here's your bill.

KEVIN: Thank you.

WAITER: Take your time.

No rush.

I think I'm good. [laughs]

I'm a star. I am a star.

Kev, where you goin'?

Home!

He ran out on the bill.

Uh-oh!

Kev!

Hey!

Mitches get the bitches!

I can't believe it!

Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!

Kevin Hart!

Kevin! Kevin!

You can't leave us in

a restaurant like that, man!

What are you talking about?

I'm a star.

That's not a star.

[Beep] you're a track star.

You just ran out on the bill.

I ain't running out on

no bill.

Who are you? Usain Bolt?

Listen, first of all,

what I did was endorse a meal.

So what you need to say

is thank you, how about that?

Oh, thank you.

No, you dined and ditched.

What?

You dined and ditched, mitch.

Dined and ditched.

No, it's not dining

and ditching.

We weren't at a diner and there

was no ditch around--so you're

wrong.

That's a federal offense,

Kevin!

What? Oh, you're crazy.

I'm not goin' to jail for

no damn sandwich!

It's dining and ditching,

by the way.

It's not dining and ditching.

You don't know what you're

talking--

Chris, what's up, baby?

C Rock!

ALL: [cheering]

Hey, what's up, what's up?

[laughing]

What's this?

Where's my name?

Uh, your name right, uh,

right there, man.

Big Rock.

Little Hart.

Ooh, that's good.

I was just at your lawyer,

Trina's.

Even she said you should

open up for me.

What? Did she really?

Yes, she did.

Chris, I'm too big to open

up for you right now.

Oh, come on, man, you ain't

too big for nothin'.

OTHERS: [laughing]

Maybe ten years ago,

that made sense, Chris.

Right now, actually, you're

the third biggest Chris here,

the second biggest Rock.

I love Tony.

[laughing]

Somebody's been writing.

You should use some of them

jokes when you open up for me

on tour.

OTHERS: [laughing]

I'm big, you're hot.

I'm like Prince, you're like...

Trey Songz.

OTHERS: [laughing]

Know what?

I gotta get outta here, Kevin.

I'm doing "Conan" tonight.

It's a White man's show.

Why don't you see what's up

this time and join me, okay?

OTHERS: [laughing]

All right, man,

you take care.

All right, I will take care.

Watch out!

Stop! Chris Rock!

I need your car.

OTHERS: Oooohhh...

Get out.

I got some show business

to take care of.

Did you see that?

Yeah, I saw it.

Yo, Kev, if you can't do

this...you can't close.

OTHERS: [laughing]

Oh!

Damn!

Chris Rock!

Damn!

I can't even do that

and I worked with Scorsese.

Understand something.

There's nothing that Chris Rock

can do that I can't do.

Okay, you can't do that.

First of all, I can do that.

Oh, I wanna see this.

Okay, well, guess what

I see--a car that I like.

Come on, let's go pay

the bill.

You go pay the bill!

It's showtime, fellas.

Okay.

Hey, Kev? Kev?

Don't be stupider than what

you already are, man.

Go in, Kev! Go in, Kev!

You can do it!

You're no Chris Rock.

You can do it!

[vehicle horn blaring]

ALL: Damn!!

♪

[vehicle horn blaring]

OTHERS: Oh!!

WorldStar!!

Kevin!

Oh, man!

You okay?

Damn, man, we were supposed to

shoot "Scary Movie 5."

Yeah, man, that car knocked

the [beep] outta you.

Mr. Hart! Mr. Hart!

Can you move your hand?

Oh [beep]!

All right. Okay. Okay.

Get out your money.

You forgot to pay your bill.

♪

WOMAN ANNOUNCING:

Dr. Lawrence, dial 118, please.

KEVIN: [muffled, indistinct]

I'm trying to show you

something.

Show me what?

You are all over the web.

ALL: WorldStar!!

You know what?

JB is such a mitch, man,

seriously.

Oh, look, Chris Rock's

on "Conan."

CONAN: [laughing]

KEVIN: [beep] Chris Rock.

OLIVER: Really?

He's one of the greatest, man.

Stop hatin'.

Where you get off

sayin' that?

So, Chris, tell us about

this new tour.

Well, Conan, I'm glad

you asked.

I'm about to go on a world tour

with Kevin Hart.

Oh, that's terrific.

CHRIS: That's right.

Me and Kev. My man, Kev.

Now, Conan, let me ask you.

Who do you think should be

the headliner?

Well, you, you know?

Kevin became famous like

last week, you know?

AUDIENCE: [laughing]

OLIVER: [laughs]

Kiss my cast, Chris Rock!

You are the first white

person I've met that even knew

who Kevin was.

I had to go on Google--

just now, under the desk.

AUDIENCE: [laughing]

No, you went on Black Google.

I went on Black Google--

which is hard to get.

You was on Boogle.

CONAN: [laughing]

AUDIENCE: [laughing]

Chris, uh, tell me what's up

with you.

How are things with the wife?

Oh, things are great--

'til I bumped into Rihanna

at the airport. Woo!

Okay, now, see, this is

gonna get you in trouble.

You realize you're on national

TV right now?

I know I'm on TV, but she's

so fine, I would actually call

my wife, if I slept with her.

CONAN: Wait a minute--

you would?

Hey, my wife would be like,

baby, why you smilin'?

I be like...

OLIVER: [mouthing words]

CHRIS: I'm glad you asked.

AUDIENCE: [laughing]

KEVIN: [laughing]

Who's your idol now?

He just stole your damn joke.

No--he endorsed my joke!

Where are you going?

I gotta write this material

for the Big Rock, Little Hart

Tour.

Wait, what about me?

I'll throw you a bone.

Don't worry.

What you talking about?

You'll throw me a--Hey!

Oliver, you better get back here

and change this damn bed pan!

Oliver!

[groaning]

Oliver!

You don't throw me no bones!

I throw you the bones!

I'm the bone collector around

here, you hear me?

I don't know where you--Ahhhh! ♪