Original subtitles

♪ This is the life

♪ You've got the life

♪ This is the city where

♪ We party every night

♪ Every night

♪ Doing deeds

♪ Diamonds and gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

Today, Tisha and I are

having our first table read

for our brand-new sitcom,

"Tisha and Duane."

Hey, how you doing, man,

I'm Duane--

I know who you are,

Mr. Martin.

Hey, listen, welcome

to Paramount. Ms. Martin.

Hi, honey.

I'm a big fan of yours--

Thank you.

Well, we never actually

co-starred together.

I mean, even at home, she's

treated like the star,

and I'm treated like an extra.

But that's over now.

I'ma be on top, baby!

I'm such a big fan of yours.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

I've seen everything, like,

"Down Periscope," "Ride or Die."

"Seat Filler."

Oh, he saw that?

Unbelievable.

Hey, listen, we're gonna be

doing a lot of years here,

right, so, when I come,

when you see my car, can you

just lift the gate up?

Oh, for sure, anything

you need, you got it.

You got it.

All right.

I loved you in "Juice!"

[Tisha laughing]

Okay, so you wanna run lines

before we go onto the stage

or something?

Hey, look, babe, why don't

you just chill, all right?

It's a table read.

We already got the job.

Yeah, I'd like to keep the

job, thank you very much, Duane.

Don't be a jerk.

Just run the first scene with me

or something.

Hey, look, Tisha,

check this out.

I need you to calm down,

all right, look.

I know you like to have

everything worked out in your

head before you get to--

Most people do, Duane.

But look, I don't

work like that.

That's cause you process

things slowly.

No-no-no-no-no, I like to fly

in the part in the moment.

This is what I do, okay?

Mmm... what you do?

You mean, what you did,

like, six years ago?

Yeah, that was funny.

Did you see that?

[laughing]

That bounced right up off me.

Did it, really?

This is what I need you

to do, I need you to give me

the ball and clear out the way,

all right?

Oh, you want me to clear out

your way?

Yes.

You're always second fiddle.

You're second fiddle on

"Martin," you're second fiddle

on "My Wife and Kids."

So you're used to it.

Ain't nobody got time

for that.

Uh-huh.

Ain't nobody got time

for that.

Ay, yo, Eric is right about

one thing.

I'm all about that money.

I mean, I don't need it,

but I always like getting more

so I can continue not to need

it, know what I'm saying?

♪

What's up?

Yo, that track is hot.

You produced that?

Nah, man, this ain't me.

Well, who did the track?

Take a guess.

Yo, come on, E, man.

You said there was some money to

be made, now who did the track?

All right, listen, go back.

Who did you smash

your first girl to?

Me? Willie Nelson,

"On The Road Again."

Man, come on, bro.

I swear for everything.

If you was really smashing,

then you was smashing to the

king, baby.

What up, baby?

Yo, E, what's going on, man?

[laughing]

I just told you what's going

on, baby.

♪

The king is back!

Bobby B.!

♪

Tisha carrying a long,

soiled wig crosses to the

kitchen where she finds

Duane reading a magazine.

Duane, why did you throw my

Beyonce wig in the trash?

You know tomorrow night

is Sasha Fierce night.

[laughing]

Wig? I thought it was

a dead squirrel.

[awkward chuckling]

[clearing throat]

Uh, Tisha looks at Duane

angrily as Carl enters

through the back door.

What a minute, what is he

still doing here?

Aren't you supposed to be out

finding you a new job?

J-Zero?

[laughing]

Kanye Less!

2 Stainz!

[pounding on table]

Yeah, but I do have a job.

That's keeping your daughter's

happy spot happy.

Ha-ha!

Uh, Duane, let's--

let's try that again.

Okay, um...

And-- just be yourself.

Energy, just do you.

How in the hell can this fool

suck at playing Duane Martin?

He is Duane Martin.

♪

Yo, why is Bobby here, man?

Yeah, I thought

he was in jail.

I thought he was in rehab.

I thought Bobby was dead.

Man, come on, y'all, Bobby's

on house arrest.

[bleep]-damn, bracelet.

Yo, why is Bobby really here?

It's my ball.

A'ight, listen.

He wants to buy back in

the game, all right?

And I know a dude like you would

do anything for money,

so he gave me this to give you.

50 Gs to start

making the record,

and another 150

once you finish the record.

Damn.

For real?

No lie.

So what about the rest of the

problem?

Oh, no, he's good, man.

Bobby's cool,

he's clean, trust me.

Bobby!

Bobby, where you going?

I'm going to get my ball.

What are you talking-- Bobby,

the ball comes back.

What you mean,

the ball comes back?

The ball goes down there,

through a machine and comes

back, man.

Ha, Kev,

you trippin' me out, man.

You would take us to a fly-ass

bowling alley, look at you.

All right, 50 Gs is 50 Gs,

you know what I'm saying?

Did you see that? What up--

Did you see that there?

You see that?

I'm good, I'm good, baby.

Did you see Bobby just try to

walk down the lane

to get his ball out?

Even though the balls came back.

He's crazy.

How your table read go, man?

He was trying to go get

his ball.

C'mon, man, we killed it.

Are you serious?

I bowled a perfect strike.

That's huge, Shake.

I propose a toast.

I like that.

To my man, Shake's new show.

Yes, sir.

That's right, baby.

And to me producing

Bobby's album.

Ahh!

150 Gs!

You got the check.

Nick, you just in time, we

were just toasting the new show.

I told 'em how

we killed it today.

Yeah, about the show, man,

can I talk to you in private?

Fun police.

[mimicking siren]

What's this private stuff,

Nick? We all family right here.

Whatever you got to say, you can

say it in front of anybody, man.

I don't really think that's

a good idea.

Oh, I get it.

You wanna pick the show up for

another 72 episodes?

Ha!

I told you, we killed it.

Actually, yeah, and, um,

you can watch it from

the comfort of your own home.

You're fired.

[all] Damn!

Oh.

You know what, Nick?

You can't do the "Tisha and

Duane" show

without Tisha and Duane.

We're a package deal, baby.

Oh, no we're not.

You said throw you the ball

and stay out of the way.

Well, I guess now,

you're out of the way.

Still want the ball?

♪

Damn, Nick, come on, man,

that's cold as hell.

He got fired from playing

his-self?

You dirty, Nick!

No.

Somebody call Tisha!

I knew you broke up Kenan and

Kel! I know you did it.

Stop it, let me talk to him.

Sit down.

You talk to him.

Sit down.

Can I talk to you

in private as well?

Ain't going nowhere in

private with you, you little

sneaky covert bastard.

Whatever you wanna say to me,

you can say in front of my

friends, Nick.

That's right, that's right.

Please talk.

We wanna offer you the role.

That's it, that's it!

Whoa!

I can't wait. I can't wait!

That's me! No!

Shake, Shake, listen,

stop, sit down.

I got him, I got him, Bobby,

I got him.

Let me handle this.

That's low, Nick.

Okay?

You wanna offer me the role,

Nick?

As if me and you are on a offer-

me-a-role type basis, huh?

Trust me, if Bushwick Bill

had a SAG card,

I wouldn't even be here

right now.

That's a real good one.

Here's the thing, Nick.

Unlike you, I'm not

a back-stabber.

I value my relationship

with my friends.

That's right.

You understand that?

So if you think that I'm gonna

sit up here and take that little

deal that you just offered me?

Oh, man, homey.

Your mind's playing

tricks on you.

It's 150,000.

[all] Damn!

For the season?

An episode.

[all] Damn!

Oh!

You know, guys like you

give Hollywood a bad name.

You all right, Shake?

They make me sick!

You're a good friend, Kev.

You damn right

I'm a good friend.

That's right.

I'm one of the best there is.

Now that's friendship--

I can't believe

you would come here,

in front of my friend!

That's his boy.

I'll tell you something,

Nick.

Kev...

[whispering]

Okay.

You shut your mouth, shut up!

'Cause what you got to say don't

mean nothing to me right now.

I don't even want you

lookin' at Duane.

'Cause I got one more thing

to say to you.

Shake, can you see him?

Uh-uh.

Yeah, you--

And I ain't Kel!

That's right, my last comment

to you is to...

[whispering]

Okay...

Shut up!

'Cause you're making me mad,

Nick.

You don't wanna make me mad.

Leave...

leave!

That's right.

Walk.

Go ahead.

[whispering]

Walk!

That's your boy, right there.

[whispering]

♪

He will be here.

You know, this is totally

unprofessional.

Thank you.

Open it up.

He's here.

They knew I was coming.

And make a mental note

of this, guys.

Whoever operates this door

is fired.

Yes, at least he's here.

I'm just gonna go.

You think somebody

playing with you.

Stupid door.

Move!

[horn honking]

And...

Thank you.

Why he got his Steve Harvey

entourage with him?

[clearing throat]

Thank you, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our new Duane, Mr. Kevin Hart.

Give it up.

Everybody welcome, Kevin.

Pleasure to work with you.

Stop, stop, I don't need

nobody kissing my ass.

What do you want me to do with

that?

I got coffee and cereal, Nick,

what do you want me to do?

Kevin, what are you wearing?

Uh, I'm wearing what stars

who don't have to wake up until

noon wear, thank you.

Uh, I just wanna

reintroduce myself.

I go by "The" Kevin Hart.

Um... couple changes.

Right now, acting as an

executive producer on the show,

I decided to make some executive

decisions.

Um, Chris, Ralph, dude,

y'all are fired.

So you need to get your ass up

and out.

Not feeling your vibe.

Are you drunk?

No, I'm saying you're fired.

What-- what Donald Trump do?

You're fired.

Come on, man, get up.

You got Pee-wee Herman

and Jimmy Jam replacing me?

[laughing]

--should've wrote that joke.

I was gonna say, if that was

in the script, you wouldn't

be fired.

Get your old asses up, man.

I'm the same age as him.

Somebody get Old-Head

some Bengay.

Hey, man, would you hurry?

[bleep] you, man.

Hey, man, man,

you better not...

Hey, don't even do it.

Dealing with anger,

that's all that is.

Moving on, Keenen,

I didn't wanna make any changes

with you because if I did,

that would be a low-down,

dirty shame.

[laughing]

That's one of my favorite movies

right there.

Ah, Reggie, dude, um...

I'm just eyein' this, so I'm

gonna get this out the way.

I wanted to get Uncle Phil.

I wanted to, I think he's a

better actor than you.

But I was like, if I fire you,

then I'm gonna wake up like,

"Did I do that?"

Why even say that?

That's stupid as hell.

I don't wanna make you insecure.

Want some Honey Nut Cheerios?

I don't want no damn

Cheerios.

Just say "no." That's about--

Somebody's on their cycle.

Cycle Sundays!

Also want to introduce you to

your new head writers.

Harry and Joey,

two talented men who rewrote

the script.

Made it much better.

Take one, pass it down, please.

What is this bull[bleep]

here, Nick?

All right, as the owner

of this network...

tell her, Keenen.

In order to get him to do

the show, we had to give him

creative control.

You what, you what,

you what?

And your dressing room.

My dressing room-- you let

him do this, Nick?!

Tell her, Keenen.

Look, he wanted Gabrielle

Union, we had to fight for you.

You can't-- well, she--

I was fightin'--

He said-- oh, hell, no.

What's the problem?

Let me tell you what the

problem is, the problem is you!

Listen, Keenen, give me

Damon's number. I wanna know

how he dealt with this [bleep],

'cause I'm not gonna do it.

Oh, hell no.

She's gonna be a headache,

and I'm not gonna do it.

Oh, hell, no, no!

Uh-uh.

No, let me go.

Uh-uh, I'm not gonna

get in the middle of this.

[bleep] Let me get him.

Let me get him, please, please.

♪ Plenty of bottles are

♪ Going down

♪ Plenty of models all around

♪ I just came here to spend

♪ Some money y'all

♪ I only got one night in town

All right, yo, hold up.

Yo, cut, please.

Yo, this [bleep] is tough.

Yeah, I know, dude.

No, B. Like [bleep].

It's depressing.

How the [bleep] I let you

talk me into this?

Hey, y'all know

I can hear you, right?

I...

Well, look, check, uh...

100, Bobby, you--

You don't sound like

the old Bobby.

Yeah, yeah, B, you just kinda

sound like old Bobby.

All right,

first and foremost,

let me just let y'all know

something, brother to brother.

This is my first time really

recording sober.

[both] Ohh...

Why didn't you say so?

We get it, yeah.

Half of me feels

sorry for the brother.

♪ Plenty of bottles are

♪ Going down

Other half wanted to give him

a double shot of scotch.

♪

Help us help you, Bobby.

Right.

Whatever it take to make you

more comfortable, we with it.

There it is.

I'm with it, baby,

tell me what to do.

I thought you would never

ask-- roll the tape back.

Turn off all the lights.

This is how I usually work.

Watch, watch, I'ma nail it now.

All right, do it.

♪ Plenty of bottles is

♪ Going down

♪ Plenty of models crowded

♪ Around ♪

♪ Plenty--

Okay, hold on, man.

Yo, this is some bull[bleep],

man. Turn the lights on, man.

Yeah.

Yo, turn the lights back d--

Turn the lights off, man!

Turn the lights off!

Damn, is that a rash?

Oh!

Okay, let's take five, man.

Years.

Yes.

♪

[cheering and applause]

So tonight is the night.

For the first time,

"Tisha and Duane" will be

shooting before a live studio

audience of screaming fans

who all came just to see who?

And the star of the show,

Mr. Kevin Hart!

You guessed it, me.

[cheering and applause]

One thing is for sure.

No laugh track will be needed.

Come on, man, open the gate.

Look, it's me, Duane Martin

from "Tisha and Duane."

You know me, you've seen me.

Really? 'Cause I'm lookin' at

the billboard, and that's Duane.

Ahh!

I'm Duane!

That's itty-bitty Kevin Hart.

♪ All right, all right

♪ All right

That's him.

Look...

I'm me.

Yeah, look--

Come on, man, open the door.

Sir, I'm gonna have to ask

you to exit the lot.

♪ All right, all right

♪ All right?

Like that?

Stop living in the past, man.

Okay.

[tires screeching]

Hey, hey!

"Django Unchained," repeat,

"Django Unchained!"

[tires squealing]

Duane! Why did you--

Because I wear the pants in

the family.

[audience laughter]

Now I may not have on any now,

but imagine what these balls

look like in denim.

[audience laughter]

Come on, now, you get

the picture?

You gonna let me get

my line out?

Why don't you just keep up,

Tisha, please--

How about I embarrass you--

All right, cut, cut, cut!

How 'bout I do that?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys--

I will beat your little ass

back to Lilliput.

I'm not playing with him.

I'm not playing-- and you know

what, he's packing extra.

We didn't ask for all of that!

That wasn't in the contract.

Okay, we'll talk to props.

That's a extra sock!

A extra two socks.

I am a sex symbol!

Please!

Everybody knows that.

Now, now, talk to me,

what's the problem?

Listen, he won't let me

get my line out, Kee.

Oh, for the love of God.

They didn't tell you?

Tell me what?

Harry and Joe, they--

they cut that line.

How did you-- [squeaking]

What?

Everybody else

got the green pages.

There was no green pages,

I read all my pages.

I'm gonna move on

from this because--

No.

--I care about the project,

and I wanna make it better.

Now look,

we got three cameras here.

Right.

I feel like they're all doing

the same thing, they're all--

Yeah, two shots.

Why?

You don't need Tisha's face

in every camera.

Cut it out...

What?

Focus on me, I'm your money.

Use it.

He don't mean it like that.

Oh my God!

Tisha, come on now.

You throw like

JaMarcus Russell.

How about I kick your ass?

Whoa! Joey!

I'm telling you right now,

Nick, you better get this boy

together, or it's gonna be

"The Tisha Show."

Yeah, that'd be a hit.

In 1993.

I heard you!

You better run, you better run.

Run, Nick, run!

What'd you think I had said?

♪ Breathe in, breathe out

Whoo!

Whoa-whoa-whoa, sorry, sir.

They're shooting.

I know, I know, I'm Duane

of "Duane and Tisha."

No.

I'm looking at the billboard

right there.

And that's Duane.

I am Duane, lady!

How 'bout some money?

Huh, you can use that.

They don't pay [bleep] here.

♪

Yo, I cannot record

without seeing.

All right, take your

blindfold off.

Now what?

Turn around, B.

Yeah!

Hello.

What up, B, what's going on

with you, how are things.

Yo, y'all ain't right

for that one.

Eric, Nelly, I got y'all.

I feel it.

Ay yo, I heard you trying

to go solo again, baby.

Man, I was solo

even when I was in the group.

Yeah, we all know, that's why

we got Johnny, remember?

Oh, man, please,

you gonna hook me up with this?

Come on, what's going on?

Yeah, I'm with it.

What you need, what you need?

Ay yo, run it back

one more time.

Now y'all gonna see

what Boston does.

Boston style.

Boston's in the house!

♪ Plenty of bottles

♪ Is going down

♪ Plenty of models

♪ Crowding around

Come on!

♪ I just came here to spend

♪ Some money y'all

♪ Only got one night in town

♪ Come on

♪ Whoo

♪ I told her let me get

♪ Your jersey, that's your

♪ name and your number

♪ I told her let me get

♪ Your jersey, that's your

♪ Name and your number

♪ I told her let me get

♪ Your jersey, I told her

♪ Let me get your jersey

♪ I told her let me get

♪ Your jersey, that's your

♪ Name and your number ♪

[laughing]

Come on, Tisha, I don't

understand why you gotta wear

a Raiders jersey with a number

one on it, the Raiders will

never be number one.

Matter of fact,

talkin' about the Raiders

make me wanna take a number two.

Hey, Duane.

Nice jacket.

I see you got a job on the show

anyway.

I'm here to claim what's

mine, Keenen.

What's that, brother?

My woman and my name.

I am Duane.

Look, man, we don't

want no problems.

Girl, these raggedy drawers

are just a cage for this python.

Python?

More like inchworm.

[audience laughing]

Why is he here?

Because family matters.

[audience laughing]

Eww! What the hell, Kevin,

that's not in the script!

Creative control.

I just added it.

And I just added this.

Night-night, Mitch.

Oh, my God!

[audience groaning]

We got him, we got him!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold on.

Whoa, stop, stop.

I am Duane!

She got to go!

He got to go, he got to go!

You written out,

you written out!

That's it, that's it.

Down periscope, go night-night.

That's it, that's it, that's it.

Damn.

It's a tough day to be Duane.

Cut!

[bell rings] ♪