Original subtitles

♪ This is the life

♪ Look at the life

♪ This is the city where

♪ We party every night

♪ Party every night

♪ We do it big

♪ Diamonds and gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪

So, uh, Rondayvu?

Yes?

Dejavu?

Yes?

Rondayvu, Dejavu.

You wanna go to your place or

y'all wanna come to my place?

Uh...

Well, we were thinking your

wallet and your watch.

You like it rough.

Get it, girl.

Turn him over.

What are y'all doing?

Hold on now.

Help me!

Hold on--

Get your butt up.

Get up!

No, we like it quiet.

Now shut up, we robbing your

ass.

'Cause we can.

You need to make better life

choices, Kevin.

You know, Rondayvu was right.

I do need to make better life

choices.

I got this ratchet-shaped hole

in my heart and I need to fill

it with something's that real

and meaningful.

So I did what any A-list actor

would do.

I adopted a 10-year old orphan

from the Sudan named Pubudu.

Yo.

Hey, Father!

It's your son Pubudu.

What?

Pubudu?

You're going to learn today.

If you don't get your ass out

of my house, man.

Pubudu!

You gonna learn today, man.

Turns out he was 10.

20 years ago.

But did that stop me?

Hell no.

I went and got myself a good

bitch.

Give me that--

Bite the (beep) out of him.

Give me the nose, yes.

Yes.

Don't come this way, dog.

Give her your nose.

You know I'm allergic to

dogs, right?

Stop it.

It's a dog.

My eye started tearing up,

you see that?

Probably because you got your

face near her ass.

My throat is closing, Kevin.

Well then, Boris, stop

breathing.

Your dog is pissing on my

chips.

(speaking foreign language)

I like fish and chips, not

piss and chips, all right?

Whatever, Nick.

Hey, stop it.

Don't handle Selita like that.

Selita?

Selita.

You are a mitch.

Whatever, dude.

I guess you ain't catch that

tiger, huh?

What you talking about?

I just stepped in tiger

(beep).

Okay, well, first of all,

close my door because I don't

want my dog out there messing

around and get ate by no damn,

uh--

Ray!

I warned you, man!

Get your hands off-- Somebody--

No, you better not come over

here!

You better not!

What are you doing, man?

Dude, you just got my dog

killed.

I didn't do nothing!

Dogs are supposed to whoop

cats'

ass.

Don't blame me.

Boris?

Is it my fault?

Nick, is it my fault?

You right.

Why don't you have some chips?

Why don't you come up and

deal them cards

and stop playing around?

Mmm.

Vinegar chips.

You need to stop

buying vinegar chips.

They're wet.

And that's when it hit me.

If I can't get the real Selita,

I'll just cast one.

So I decided to open up a

top-secret fake production

office.

So secret, in fact, that I

couldn't even tell my boys.

Then I put out a fake casting

call.

I even got Oliver to

write out a fake-ass script.

"Nat Turner: Space Zombie

Hunter."

I'm going to "Argo"

this whole fake situation.

If a free man in

2015 can't love a

dead woman in space, then

I don't want to be free.

Or in space!

Now kiss me!

Sojourner Trucon

is ready to get down.

Damn, Trucon, why you

talking like Megatron?

Next!

I don't care if they call me

a zombie lover.

I want you, Future Nat Turner.

Now come emancipate this

proclamation.

Girl.

I'm about to abolishinize it.

Uh.

Wait a minute.

Nobody told me there was going

to be a nude scene.

Everybody's nude on planet

Krotan.

Yeah, well, we're on planet

Earth.

Next!

I don't care if they call

me a zombie lover.

I want you, Future Nat Turner.

Next!

Oh, so, you don't want to do

the kiss?

No.

It's too bad 'cause I would

have (beep) the hell out of

Space Nat Turner.

Thanks.

Give me two.

Think about it now.

Who's gonna play a better zombie

slave than me?

Watch this.

I can't look at that.

That's how he always looks.

Stop it.

That's how he looked in

"Pootie Tang."

Stop it.

You're scaring the kids.

I'm the king of the zombies.

You don't know a damn thing

about being a zombie.

Okay.

(speaking foreign language)

Really?

Two words.

"Resident Evil."

Good movie.

Two more words for you.

Aw.

Full.

Awful-ass movie.

Let's just play the game,

guys.

Daddy, Uncle Kevin's got two

queens.

And three aces.

Thank you for the misdeal,

children.

Why don't you get your

Blermans under control?

See, you know what, he

actually has a point there, man.

This whole Mr. Mom

thing is not working

out for you.

Mr. Mom thing?

What do you mean?

I have them for like an hour,

that's it.

You need to get a job.

Hey?

Matter of fact, Kevin, why don't

you put him in one of your

little movies?

And speaking of little movies,

that last one, why you ain't

bring it to NCredible Studios?

I'll tell you why.

Because I think you're

NCompetant.

Uh oh.

That's your answer right

there.

Who blowing your phone up?

Ah, it's Trina about that

play.

About what play?

No, no play.

That's the pizza.

I'll be right back.

Plays?

Bad for the brand.

You are Boris.

What are you trying to do, be

the next Peabo Bryson?

Who's Peabo Bryson?

You're gonna find out in a

minute.

If Trina insists you do this

play, you tell her--

Tell Trina what?

Whoo!

Damn!

What's up, Trina Turner?

What's love got to do with that?

Somebody got a date!

Actually, it's girls' night

out if you must know.

Where the girls at?

In the car.

Why they in the car?

Bring them in the house so we

can see them.

Why would I do that?

Uh, 'cause I want to look at

some scattered new ass.

Look, I don't have time for

you--

You don't wanna bring them

inside, I'll go out there to see

them.

Let's finish the game, Kev.

I want to see some ass,

Boris.

Look, Boris, I came here to

talk some sense into you, okay?

What?

I really think that you

should do this play because

here's the thing.

David heard that you got back in

shape and he wants you back in

the play.

I'm not doing a play.

By the way, how did you do

that so incredibly fast?

You look great.

Uh, one, that's easy.

Two, come on.

Three.

97, 98, 99, a hundred.

Thousand.

Nothing like the quality of

finely-tuned German engineering.

I'm not going to do the play.

He's just going to have to pull

another Johnson out of his a--

hat.

JB, I don't need you for my

movie.

I just found three zombies out

there.

I don't know what's going on,

but I'll tell you this.

That car is not sanctioned for

those women.

Did you say anything to them?

Listen to me.

You need a bus and they need

helmets.

I cannot believe you.

Y'all gotta come look at this

group of handsome women.

They're day walkers!

♪

That was great.

That was really good.

And you know what?

You gave a really good reading

too.

I feel like on the kiss, though,

we could do a lot better.

Because you gotta understand,

you're from planet Krotan,

right?

And you're a slave zombie.

Slave zombies are wild.

So you gotta find a way to

awaken those dead lips, okay?

So do you want me to kiss you

like I kiss a man or like I kiss

a woman?

Um... I mean, on Krotan,

I'm both, so whatever floats

your boat.

Whatever you--

Let's try it like a woman.

Uh-- Mm.

I think I just got a kroner.

Okay.

So, let's um, let's go ahead and

let you out of here and I'll

definitely hit you about the

callback.

'Cause there's a callback and

you're gonna be in it.

Oh, okay.

Okay?

Thank you.

No, you are welcome.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, girl.

Thank you.

Okay.

Wow.

All right.

You got to be kidding me.

Uh.

Next!

Uh uh, no.

No!

Excuse you.

That's the devil in the

yellow dress and you know it.

Enter my ex-wife Bridgette.

AKA the Kroner Killer.

Bridgette, what the hell are

you doing here?

Huh?

What, you need more child

support?

More alimony?

Trying to kill me?

Is that it?

I'm here to read the part,

Kevin.

When did you become an

actress, Bridgette?

Are you kidding?

Well, I guess you can afford

to pay for my acting classes,

how about that, go figure,

Kevin!

Fine.

You wanna read, I'm going to let

you embarrass yourself, but as

soon as you're done, you're

gonna take your bright ass and

go right back out that door.

Let's do the first scene.

No, we're gonna do the love

scene.

Well, you obviously don't

want the part.

Shut up, Kevin.

Girl.

What's wrong with you, girl?

Kiss my undead lips.

What?

Uh uh.

Girl, you better get off-- stop

it.

Bridgette, get offa me!

Mmm.

Her undead lips make my

zombie balls come alive.

I'm done.

No, I'm done.

Look, I know you don't want

to talk about the project.

I'm trying to tell you that

David loves you.

He wrote this play especially

for you.

He should be writing a movie

for me.

A movie.

Not a play.

That's what we're doing.

A play first, then the movie.

That's how it goes.

That's how it works out here.

Is that covered in the

contract?

I will put that in the

contract.

I will make sure it's in the

contract.

You have to do this play.

It's gonna be amazing.

It's gonna be sold out

audiences.

It's going to be wonderful.

Look, I gotta protect my

brand, I told you.

Nick, he has a brand to

protect.

Kevin has a brand to protect.

Even JB has a brand to

project.

You, my friend, have

bills to pay and five percent of

nothing is not cutting it.

I've got bills to pay too.

Do you see it?

It's your name.

Take that down.

Are you kidding me?

Tell me that doesn't look

good.

Hey, Boris.

We love you!

Can't wait to see you dance!

Are you sure you still want

me to take it down?

♪

Kevin!

Kevin Hart!

Open the door!

What do you want, man?

Man, you need to ix-nay on

that ex-nay.

Y'all having sex-nay?

It's in the scene, man.

What'd you expect?

So right now, why don't you go

a-way?

What about the other

actresses?

What about them?

They're here.

I got the part, so they can

kiss my ass, 'kay?

What did I tell you?

No, this is wrong.

This is wrong.

No.

No!

Close your eyes and get out

the car, come on.

I'm coming.

Hurry up.

I'm coming.

Get your hands off my car!

How am I supposed to know

where I'm going, Kevin?

Follow my voice, Bridgette.

How about I follow your hand?

Give me your hand.

Get off my car!

Okay, I'm off now.

All right, come on.

Open your eyes.

Kevin, a trailer?

Are you living in a trailer now?

Are you broke?

Come look at the door.

Oh!

Kev!

Is that...

This is gonna be your trailer

when we film the movie!

Wow!

Come here.

Wow!

Get in there!

Oh, oh!

Be careful.

Oh!

Kevin.

Is this-- this is all me?

Girl, you are a movie star

now.

It's time for you to start

living like one.

That is the sexiest thing you

have ever said to me.

I think it's-- Wait, girl.

Wait a second.

Mmm.

Ride it, baby.

Ride it.

Whoo.

Oh, girl.

You're hot, get off me.

Girl.

You know what this remind me of?

This reminds me when we was back

in Philly, we used to get all

crazy and wild, over at your

mom's house.

And we'd almost get caught

'cause you'd be so loud.

I was only loud 'cause you

were hitting my spot,

that's why.

What spot?

You know the spot I'm talking

about.

This spot?

Oh, stop, girl.

Don't you do that.

What you doing, girl?

Stop.

I'm just rehearsing for the

movie.

So when do we shoot, anyway?

Shoot what?

That's right.

This whole thing is fake.

I done messed around and forgot.

Oh well.

I guess all this fake financing

for "Nat Turner: Space Zombie

Hunter" is about to go away.

Johnson leaves the gymnasium,

confused, confounded and

conflicted.

Hello?

Does he attend Harvard on a

full gymnastics scholarship or

does he follow his true passion

and go to the Debbie Allen Dance

Academy and dance?

♪ Trust Him and just believe

♪ Mama I just wanna

♪ Bust a move

♪ Mama

♪ I just

♪ Just wanna bust a move

♪ Oh

♪ Mama

♪ I just wanna

♪ Just wanna bust

♪ A move bust a move

♪ Bust a move bust a move bust

♪ A move

♪ Oh ♪

Wow, what a surprise.

You got Kelly Price, are you

serious?

No one is unattainable.

So tell me, am I looking at my

Johnson?

Okay.

Okay, look.

I really appreciate all of this.

Shh.

No, no, no.

Haste is the enemy of dreams

and patience its lover.

Please, take your time.

Boris.

You can give us your answer

tomorrow.

I can give you my answer

right now because--

Your co-star will show you

out.

You do know Kelly Rowland,

don't you?

You got both Kellies?

Hi, Sweetie.

Are you doing this play?

75 grand for four shows a

week?

Hell yeah.

75 grand?

Not to mention you'll build

up your fan base.

You know, that's right.

Outside, this lady threw a bra

at me while I was standing under

the marquee.

That's nothing.

Wait till you do the kissing

booth.

Wait, wait.

Kissing booth?

What's the kissing booth?

Morris Chestnut, who did the

play before you, made an extra

100 grand after the show doing

the kissing booth.

Morris Chestnut made

a hundred grand?

Yes, sir.

Well, if he makes a hundred

grand, I'll make a million.

Now I forgot to tell him that

he has to do it with his shirt

off.

And sometimes, there are men in

line.

Mm-hmm.

JB, will you stop auditioning

and just eat your food, please?

Zombies don't eat real food,

Kevin.

Zombies don't eat (beep),

dumbass.

That's why I won't give you the

part, 'cause you don't do your

research.

I do research.

I know zombies.

I'm a professional zombie,

Kevin!

This chicken is so good.

Who made it?

Wait until you guys taste the

cobbler.

It's my mom's secret recipe.

Hey, Boris.

Glad you guys like the food.

Oh-- I forgot the ice cream.

Be right back.

Good to see you.

Thank you, baby.

You're welcome.

Ice cream, ice pick.

What the hell's Bridgette

doing here?

We patched things up.

Like what?

Huh, like what?

Like, like stab wounds?

First of all, get your facts

straight.

She didn't stab me, she tried to

poison me.

Okay, come on.

That's just great.

That's funny.

I feel like I'm breaking out,

Kevin!

JB.

What's wrong with my face?

Is my face wrong?

JB.

Look at my face, Kevin!

Lost his damn mind, man.

Kevin, I swear to you, if I

die, you better give me a part

in that (beep) movie, Kevin.

It is a fake movie!

What do you mean, fake movie?

Shush.

God, why you being so loud?

Yes, it's a fake movie.

Listen, I was lonely, so I said,

why don't I go and cast myself

the perfect girlfriend, like

"Argo".

You know "Argo", right?

"Argo", the Ben Affleck

movie?

Yes.

You created a fake movie to

find the girl of your dreams and

you cast your ex-wife?

Yes.

You need a new casting

director.

Look, if a fake movie can get

six people out of Iran, I said

what type of ass is my movie

gonna get me?

You ain't choking on no food,

boy, shut up.

Look, I had a casting session

and everything.

I'm casting all these girls--

Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.

Kerry Washington.

Who else?

Carrie-- will you stop?

Ain't no damn flies in here.

So look--

It's all about the ass.

So look, then after that,

Bridgette came in.

The worst actress out of

everybody.

And was horrible.

Dude, there was one point where

I was like, she can't read.

So I'm like, whatever.

All of a sudden, Bridgette--

stop, man.

Kevin!

I don't want butter!

Okay, do what you want, man.

So Bridgette, it was between her

and everybody else, she gave me

some ass.

So once I got back in them

goods, up in them goods,

in them goods.

All the way.

Like we used to be.

We got the bumping-- you know

what?

JB, I'm sick of you.

Go clean that (beep) of your

face right now.

So don't-- I want the chicken

and I want the macaroni.

Baby, let me explain to you what

we was just talking about.

You know what?

You don't have to explain.

You got me.

I thought "Nat Turner: Space

Zombie Hunter" was a real movie.

So did I.

Hey, at least I got an agent

out of the deal, right?

Okay.

You know what, I gotta...

I gotta go.

Guys, it was good to see you.

There's some more chicken in the

oven and here's some ice cream

for the--

Thank you for the food.

The food was--

Bridgette, listen.

No, girl!

What's in there?

You could always make me

laugh, Kevin.

Okay.

See you guys.

Hands are so cold.

I'm disappointed.

I thought she was gonna go in on

him for that one.

I expected her to blow up

just now.

That's a big difference right

there.

Oh!

Get your water!

No!

Little movie might have been

fake, Kevin.

But you know what wasn't fake?

This orgasm I just had lighting

your little man toy on fire.

Mitch!

♪

♪