Original subtitles

♪ This is the life

♪ Look at the life

♪ This is the city where we

♪ Party every night

♪ We do it big

♪ Diamonds and gold

♪ Welcome to Hollywood ♪

♪ Again

♪ Man we gotta keep

♪ Tellin' y'all

♪ Again

♪ Over and over again

♪ Again ♪

Hey!

[chuckling]

I didn't know you were

gonna be here.

I guess that was one of

Victoria's secrets.

[chuckling]

I'm sorry, um, who are you?

I'm Kevin--

Exactly.

Calm down, Hobbit,

she's not here for you.

Okay.

Okay?

She's here for Romany.

Mitt Romney?

You a Republican?

Oh, Jesus.

No, fool, Romany Malco.

Wow.

Here he is.

Romany, Selita.

Hi.

Oh, finally, hey.

So nice to meet you.

Thanks for coming.

Of course.

Anything for the kids.

Yeah.

Kev, I did not expect to

see you here.

Not at Nick's house.

What are you talking about,

Romany?

I just know that the two of

y'all don't really get along.

Well, I just know that me

and you don't really

get along either.

I didn't know that.

I do.

Well, look, as long as you're

willing to put it behind you to

support the kids, I'm with--

I'm not supporting

no damn kids, Romany.

I don't want to.

Another note for you,

this is my house.

Selita, the bedroom's upstairs.

Oh, that's right,

that's right.

The wife got the big house

after the divorce.

Yeah, she did.

This is quaint, though.

I don't know why he's

talking to you.

Y'all go have fun.

You wanna go grab a drink?

Please.

Wait.

Please-- nice to meet you.

You too, but-- Hey, Romany,

what'd you do with your

"Weeds" money?

He's so tall.

Get out of my face, Wanda.

Oh, that's good.

I should have let Charmagne

whoop your old ass when

she had the chance.

Go get me a switch.

I'm gonna get it.

Go get me a switch.

I'm gonna get it.

Help stop deadbeat dads!

Get your money, don't get mad!

Help stop deadbeat dads!

Get your money, don't get mad!

Help stop deadbeat dads!

Get your money, don't get mad!

Hey, how y'all doing, man?

Good to see y'all.

Give me this right here.

Yeah.

Bridgette, what are you doing?

Oh, what does it look like

I'm doing, Kevin?

What is that

supposed to mean?

It means that my cousin is

letting everybody know that

you ain't [bleep].

Hit it.

Okay, you know what?

You know what?

Listen to me--

Why are you even here, Tiffany?

'Cause I am supporting

the cause.

I'm hooraying--

Watch out,

excuse me, excuse me.

Help stop deadbeat dads!

Help stop deadbeat dads,

take a--

No, bring it up.

Just take it!

... everybody else's kids

except his own!

Don't let him fool you.

He ain't a philan--

a philanthropist.

Listen to me.

You listen and you listen-- Hey!

How y'all doing?

Get in there and

enjoy yourselves.

I can have you both arrested

for trespassing.

Is that what you want?

Really?

I could have you arrested for

not supporting your kids, Kevin.

You're a liar.

I'm a liar?

I love my kids, and I take

damn good care of them

and I support you, Bridgette.

And your crazy ass.

So last I checked,

I'm supporting everybody

in this circle.

I don't know anything about

that, but what I do know is

right behind you is

a beautiful house.

I like your house, Kevin,

when did you get it?

I thought you were broke.

Mm-hmm.

I found it.

That's right.

You found it.

I walked by it, I found it.

How about the truth?

Okay, you want to know

the truth, Bridgette?

Ever since me and you separated

and I started giving you

half of what I make,

I somehow got richer.

Go figure, Bridgette.

There it is.

Cat's out the bag.

Well, I guess you can afford

to pay for my acting classes,

how about that go figure, Kevin?

So that's what this is about?

This is about some damn

acting classes?

Yes!

Bridgette, you are

my ex-wife.

You are not my daughter.

And I give you more than enough

money for you to pay for

whatever acting coach you want,

so you do it yourself.

You know what?

You don't give me enough money

to pay for Jamie Foxx's

Oscar-winning acting coach

'cause she charges $10,000

an hour.

Did you know that, Kevin?

No, no, no,

I didn't know that.

What I do know is that you need

to focus on being the coach

instead of the actress!

Okay, why don't you think about

making money, Bridgette?

That's what you never do.

That's why I think you're

stupid sometimes.

Just get out, both of you.

Off my property right now before

I sic the pit bulls on you.

[barking]

All on your ass.

[crying]

♪

Bridgette.

[crying]

Bridgette.

You don't understand,

it's so hard out there.

Bridgette, I don't have

time for this.

I'm trying to turn my life

around and it's tough out there

for a single mom.

Tiffany, tell him it's

tough out there.

Prices at Whole Foods

keep going up and up.

It's expensive out there.

You know what?

Let me stop you both

'cause you're good.

You are really good.

That was awful.

Whatever that little cry job

you did was horrible.

It was almost Boris-like.

Here's the thing.

You don't need an acting coach.

What you need is a therapist,

Bridgette.

That's what you need,

a therapist.

I said it, that's how I feel.

You know, I was seeing

a therapist three times a week

when I was with your tired ass.

And I saw bartenders

seven times a week when

I was with your crazy ass.

Not the same thing!

That's not the same thing!

Hey, all you bougie people

in there.

Kevin Hart is just a fake-ass

wannabe who doesn't

take care of his kids!

Hey, I cannot believe that

I used to sleep in

the same bed with you.

You know what?

Here, here, you take it.

Yeah, give me all of it!

You take it.

Bridgette, I don't care anymore!

Look, I want you to go break

a leg-- literally.

I hope you snap it backwards

and it kicks you in

the back of your head.

And you take you and your

tired-ass cousin off

this prop-- uh-uh.

Tiffany.

Kevin, thank you!

Look, I'm going to dedicate

my first Oscar to you.

I swear.

I'm gonna call you.

And scene. ♪

♪ Pull you to a corner

♪ Before I get to know you

♪ I wanna rock with you ♪

Okay, folks,

let's gather for the auction.

Uh, hey, Selita, real quick,

I want to talk to you.

Oh!

Mother--

[laughing]

Get your ass up, man.

Look, a little word of advice

as Selita's ex-fiancé?

You thinking about dating her,

don't.

Why not?

Tell me why, Nick.

Let's get started by

introducing our celebrity

auctioneer, J.B. Smoove!

What's going on?

[cheers and applause]

[horn honking]

All right, everybody,

what we have here is

a brand-spanking-new

Mercedes-Benz smart car.

This car is amazing!

This car is not only good at

the pump, but it also

can do your taxes.

This car retails for $12,000.

We're going to

do you a favor today.

We're going to start the bidding

at $5,000, everybody.

$5,000.

That's a start,

that's a start.

That means I'm gonna need all

you Hollywood Africans to pull

them Gucci wallets out and we

got to go deep, deep to

the darkest part of Africa.

[yelping]

This is a damn charity.

That's right.

This is for the kids!

Who got me, come on?

I need to get it.

Yes.

Boris, are you bidding

or are you ordering food?

[all laughing]

Hand it over.

Who do we got in here?

Come on, let's dig deep,

people, come on now.

Who got me, come on?

5,000.

You only have $3,000

in your checking account.

Hey, hey, I just got

a residual check from

"All of Us."

That's $3,200.

If you don't put your hand down

and stop playing around

up in here.

J.B., never mind.

Tisha won't loan me the rest.

Nick Cannon, my man,

Nick Cannon.

Mr. "Wild 'n Out"!

Let's wild out on that

checkbook,

"America's Got Talent"!

Let's dig deep.

Come on now!

I donated the car.

This is my idea,

and I hired your ass.

My fault.

What do we got out here?

10 grand.

10 grand!

Romany just bid $10,000.

That put a big old smile

on Selita's face.

A big smile-- Look at that

smile, look at that smile.

Uh, J.B.

I feel like if we're gonna bid,

we might as well bid like men.

I'm gonna go 20,000, J.B.

$20,000 from Kevin Hart.

That put an even bigger smile

on Selita's face.

Look at that face.

I know a smile when

I see a smile.

25,000.

Who said that?

Who said 25?

Somebody said something?

Look who's here, everybody.

Khloe Kardashian!

Khloe, stop it.

You're not happy to see me?

No, I'm not happy to see you.

What are you doing?

What do you even need

this car for?

You can't reach the pedals.

Oh, that's great,

that's good.

No, I guess that one made

you a smart Kar-dashian.

[laughing]

That's my joke.

It doesn't matter-- 26,000, J.B.

Yeah, yeah, one up.

Selita wants to do 30,

so we do 30.

Woo!

We are doing--

we are doing 30!

We, a man who claims his lady!

Uh, J.B., if Selita

wants to do things,

I'm gonna show her

how to do 'em right.

I'm gonna go 35.

What you mitches

gonna do next?

Oh, okay, all right.

I call that "topping Romany."

Okay, great.

40-- it's nothing.

Oh, we got a 40-ounce over

here, Kevin Hart!

A 40-ounce!

What's it gonna do, huh?

Hey, J.B., funny thing

about 40s, I drank 'em

when I was a kid.

I'm now a grown-ass man,

I don't do 40s anymore.

You could pop bottles

and I say 50.

[cheers and applause]

$50,000 from

Khloe Kardashian!

Did you hear me from

down there?

You can hear me?

Oh!

We going in, Wanda,

we going in, baby.

What do you think, I can't

keep up with you 'cause

you a Kardashian?

Huh, is that what

you think, Khloe?

'Cause I'm a Hart-ashian.

Hart-ashian?

Yeah, okay.

The beat.

It's about to beat.

Let's see it, let's see it.

In fact, let's just go ahead

and beat Kevin right now

and let's just make it 80.

Oh my-- oh, oh, oh!

[horn honking]

We got $80,000 from Romany,

$80,000!

Did you just see that?

They just Barack Obama

fist-pumped in my face.

Hey!

J.B., does everybody in

the house hear that?

'Cause I do.

[imitating heartbeat]

Yeah, it's called a heartbeat.

Right now, my heartbeat is

telling me to do

something crazy!

$150,000!

[cheers and applause]

Kevin Hart just went in

deep on y'all!

With 150,000 big ones!

Whoa, no!

It's a $12,000 car,

you're so dumb.

Oh, my God.

I didn't say-- I didn't say

150,000, I said--

Going once!

Going twice!

Sold, sold!

Sold for $150,000

to the fool who just paid

Phantom money for

a damn smart car.

Oh God, no.

Hey, Kev.

Hey.

You need to borrow

a little money?

I finally get the chance to

do a TV show without my family

and this [bleep] pops up

in the scene.

But at least I have this

confessional to myself.

Khloe, who are you

talking to?

Are you for real?

What, like--

[bleep]

Where are you going?

♪

Sold, sold!

Sold for $150,000

to the fool who just paid

Phantom money for

a damn smart car!

Hey, Kev.

Hey.

You need to borrow

a little money?

No, no, I'm good, I'm good.

Yes.

No, don't leave, but maybe.

Make up your mind.

Wanda, can I talk to you?

Yeah, that was kind of

off of impulse right there.

Oh, no, that was beautiful.

I'm just-- I'm not

feeling good, Wanda.

That was a good thing

you did.

Real stupid, but good.

Where's-- where's Selita at?

Oh, she left with Romany

about $80,000 ago.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, and your check better not

bounce, you little

[bleep]-ass mitch.

Okay.

Nice job.

Oh, no.

Hey, everybody, do me a favor,

don't take them bags just in

case I gotta-- just in case

I gotta return stuff.

Khloe, can we put the 50 that

you said to what I said?

Uh...

I feel like there were so many

other people involved, because

Romany committed the 30.

Duane's got 3,000 in it, too.

So that's 30, that's 33.

And Khloe said 50

and she meant it.

$150,000.

Let me get my ass out your car.

J.B., that's technically--

That's your car.

J.B.

Boy, you a mitch.

♪ We bossed up

♪ Make it crack

♪ You talk stuff

♪ Take it back

♪ My boss can love

♪ And chase the cat

♪ That's what's up

♪ Taste that ♪

Um, what do you want

me to do?

What am I doing?

Tell me what I'm doing.

You're praying.

Bow your head.

Sorry, Jesus.

Wow.

Amen.

Now say what you was

gonna say.

What do you want me to do

with this stuff from yesterday?

The same thing we always do,

let's play the match game.

Wait, wait, there's

something else, yep.

Let's start with this.

It's not combed.

Nope.

Let me smell it.

Tisha.

Yep, that's Tisha,

that's a point for you.

Every day, all day.

Uh...

Here, you--

You smell it, you smell it.

I don't want--

I don't want to smell it.

Boris-- look at the top,

there's lace at the top.

That's German, you right,

you right, you right.

Okay.

Is it empty?

Yep.

Wanda.

You good.

That's Wanda's.

You on fire right now, boss.

I know it's Wanda,

she back on that juice.

Hold up.

Who would have

a diamond-encrusted phone?

Uh.

Selita!

That's Selita's--

I know, but give it to me.

Don't do it.

Shut up, boy.

Don't do it.

Give me the phone.

You're better than that.

Who doesn't have a lock

on their phone?

That's stupid.

Maybe she didn't think

somebody would go through

her phone.

Wow, our little frenemy

has been texting Selita.

Who?

Mitch Romany.

Romany?

Yeah!

All up in the phone.

Romany.

I mean, it's only right

to reply, right?

Is it only right?

Yes, it is only right.

Or not.

"What are you doing today?"

Send.

[cell phone alerting]

Okay...

"Having lunch with you,

remember?"

Wow, they're having lunch today.

That's a little smack

in the face.

Okay.

"No!

No, I was just testing you."

Oh, God.

"We are still on for lunch.

"12:00

at the Beverly Hills Hotel."

Wait for it.

Wow.

Wait for it.

"No, silly."

He says, "No, silly,"

I'm reading that.

Romany's a corny-ass mitch.

"No, silly, 1:00 at Clafoutis."

Clafoutis.

What's that?

A restaurant on Sunset.

It's really nice,

like the wine list is--

I know what it is,

I know exactly what it is.

You know, that one.

Okay.

Why does he got all

these "emojos"?

Look, look-- smiley face,

cuddle bear, heart look.

He's got the hand.

That's mitch stuff.

He's a mitch, he's a mitch.

Love-- He's a mitch.

It's "emoticon,"

just so you don't--

It's "emojos."

I mean, whatever.

Y'know what, since you

decided to dress like Carl Lewis

today, why don't you go run

inside and grab me some milk?

Maybe if I got paid more,

I could dress better.

Well, that's just not

gonna happen.

Clafoutis?

Since you love using "emojos,"

use these.

♪ Lady let me welcome you

♪ To my place

♪ For a little music

♪ Sex romance yeah

♪ Lady let me welcome you ♪

It's the scariest

thing in the world,

especially the first time.

It's like, you know--

It happens to me often.

You don't even know.

Right, right, right.

Hey, Selita.

Oh, hi, Kevin.

This is crazy, two days

in a row, huh?

I know, what a coincidence.

I know, I know.

You know there's a really

fine line between stalking

and coincidence.

Yeah, well, this is neither

one of those, so... yeah.

Selita, you left your phone

at my house.

Oh, my gosh.

I've been looking for this

everywhere, thank you.

It was at my house,

no problem.

It was under the couch.

Oh, oh, wow.

Thank you.

Yeah, man.

I don't mean to be rude or

nothing, man, but why don't you

go ahead and get the [bleep]

out of here?

Wow.

You kiss your wife

with that mouth?

Wait, hold up, you married?

You didn't tell her?

No, no, no, no, no,

I'm not married anymore.

I was married.

Right.

Was married.

Oh, the old

I'm-not-but-I-was-and-

I-could-be.

I used to use that one.

You know, I've been divorced

for a minute, what?

We'll get into it later.

Side note, Rom.

Dude, I was looking at the call

sheet for "Think Like a Man 3."

Your name wasn't on it.

Uh, yeah, 'cause "Think Like

a Man 3" is not in production.

Like I said, I didn't

see his name on it.

Pathetic.

Hey, uh, Selita, so I was going

through your phone and I saw--

You were going through

my phone?

No...

Yes.

And I saw on your calendar that

you're not doing nothing on

Wednesday.

You know what, dude?

Don't-- Look, look, I don't--

You outta here?

No, no, I don't--

Hey, dude, it was good

seeing you.

Do me a favor, man,

can you pay the bill?

I don't really have

my cards on me.

Come on, dude.

You're leaving?

Hey, no, I'm not leaving,

Kevin's leaving.

No, what left is your

hairline.

Man, just get your

ass up, dog.

Hey, hey!

Stop it, stop it!

There are white people here!

Kevin--

I'm about to slam you!

Security!

I'm about to slam you!

Kevin, this ain't

"The 40-Year-Old Virgin," dude,

I will hurt you.

I'm about to hip toss

your ass.

Judd ain't here to protect

you, dog, I'm serious.

Escape move!

Capture move, capture move!

You got it, you got it.

Yeah, now what?

You still in good shape.

All day, every day.

Guys, seriously, guys.

Okay, now look--

Get off of me!

Can you guys please!

You're embarrassing me!

On three.

On my three.

On my three!

You don't run to three!

This is ridiculous.

Okay, my three, we let go.

If you swing on me on three,

dude, I'm gonna kill you.

Do I get three?

Okay.

One.

Guys, guys.

Two.

Can you count?

Kevin, if you swing on me...

We both let go.

Okay, I'm not playing.

Three-- Get off me.

I wish you would.

Jumping your ass out here.

Yeah, okay.

I suggest you slow turn, boy.

Look, dude.

Slow turn.

Whatever, all right.

Whatever.

Good, can we leave?

Please.

I'm about to put

the paws on him.

[groaning]

[glass shattering]

[cameras clicking]

[all laughing]

Mitches.

Sam Jackson once told me that

there was no such thing

as bad publicity.

Sam Jackson also did a movie

called "Snakes on a Plane,"

which makes me believe that Sam

don't know what the [bleep]

he's talking about, 'cause this

[bleep] terrible.

Next week on "Real Husbands

of Hollywood"...

Look at my face, Kevin!

He lost his damn mind, man.

Kevin, I swear to you, if

I die, you better give me a part

in that [bleep], Kevin.

It is a fake movie.

What do you mean, fake movie?

I was lonely, so I said why

don't I go and cast myself the

perfect girlfriend, like "Argo."

If a fake movie could get

six people out of Iran, I said,

what type of ass is my

fake movie gonna get me?

So do you want me to kiss you

like I kiss a man

or like I kiss a woman?

Um...

I mean, on Krotan, I'm both,

so whatever floats your boat.

Kevin Hart!

What do you want, man?

Man, you need to ixnay

on the...

Y'all having "sexnay"?

♪

[heartbeat pounding]

♪ ♪