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♪
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KEVIN HART NARRATING:
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I didn't choose Hollywood--
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it chose me--and now that I'm
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here, there's one important
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lesson I've learned.
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This [beep] is harder than
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I thought...
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especially for the husbands.
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In this town, who you're married
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to is more important than
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talent.
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Things aren't always sunny in
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the pit of opportunity.
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That's why I keep my boys close.
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Friends on three!
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ALL: One, two, three!
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Break!
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KEVIN: And my enemies
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closer.
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You didn't get your feel on
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or your feel-lay-min-on.
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OTHERS: [laughing]
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KEVIN: This is a town of
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dreams and nightmares.
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See, show business can kick you
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in the ass and treat you like
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a used up mitch.
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[punch]
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KEVIN: Ow! Little girl!
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Hollywood is about livin'
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the dream and makin'
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the next big move--
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no matter what it takes.
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[distorted shouting]
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JB: [groaning]
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JB, will you stop
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auditionin', man, and just eat
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your damn food, please.
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Zombies don't eat real
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food, Kevin.
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♪
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KEVIN: And kickin' it up
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to the next level--
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no matter who you gotta use.
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I just came here to spin
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in front of y'all.
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Y'all, y'all, see?
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This [beep] gotta stop.
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Yeah, I know it does.
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How the [beep] did I let you
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talk me into this?
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Didn't nobody make you take
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the money.
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Y'all know I can hear you,
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right?
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KEVIN: All while fighting our
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inner demons of doubt, despair,
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and jealousy.
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I got it.
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♪ Gotta gotta gotta gotta
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♪ Bust a move
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♪
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KEVIN: In our world, you
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gotta watch who you [beep] on
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because friends are fleeting,
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enemies are forever.
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Even when you're on top, you're
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no more than a stumble away
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from losin' it all.
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♪
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[gasping]
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Wings?!
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Oh, this [beep] is vile.
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Welcome to "The Real Husbands
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of Hollywood."
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♪
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KEVIN: Some people try to
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trade in cars every year.
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Me?
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I trade in houses.
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See, Kev, this is what you
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gotta understand.
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When you start to get into my...
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my stratosphere--
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Whoa, your stratosphere?
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Yeah, my stratosphere.
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My level of...of success,
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I guess, you've gotta surround
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yourself with other people who
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understand and appreciate your
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level and you've get things that
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reflect that, as well.
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For instance, Kev, take a look
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at my house.
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KEVIN: Wow.
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How much did this cost?
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Oh, man, it's not about
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money--$10 million.
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I wanna show you something else.
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Come with me. Come on, let's go.
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All right, yeah.
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Uh, Kev, this here is
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actually made out of elephant
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ivory.
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Kev, that's illegal.
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Wait, wait, wait, or did
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I buy it from Keenen Ivory?
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It's one or the other.
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I don't ...don't remember.
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Uh, dude, you gotta stop
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right here.
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This is my custom-built penguin
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cage right here.
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Kev, where are the penguins?
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They left. They've been gone.
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Where--?
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Hey, did you know that
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penguins don't like warm
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climates?
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Valley gets hot.
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That threw me off, too. [laughs]
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Oh, yeah, here we go.
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Down to the nooks
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and crannies, baby.
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This is my custom-built
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tiger cage.
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My tiger's name is Woods.
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[laughs]
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Kevin, where's the tiger?
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Let's just say he's
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at large right now. Yeah.
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I don't know where he's at.
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That's why the penguins left.
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I shouldn't have put the cages
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that close together.
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Nobody told me.
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Come on.
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[tiger snarls]
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Oh [beep]! Woods!
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Woods, you get back in that
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cage right now!
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[tiger snarling]
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That's your tiger?
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Do what you want, then.
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He's got an attitude.
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He's crazy--
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No, this is crazy.
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Oh, no, man! Mr. Puffer!
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Well, I guess it's safe to say
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that he won't be flying south
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for the winter.
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Penguins don't fly, Kev.
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Apparently they don't run,
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either.
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[sighs]
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Oh, well, I'll have to buy
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another one.
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[tiger snarling]
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I see it!
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Kev, do me a favor.
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Go on that side and see
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if he's there.
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I'ma go on this side.
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Unh-huh.
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Fine. Fine. Come on.
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I want you to get out here
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and clean Mr. Puffer's arm up!
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Man, the house is beautiful.
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You gotta understand that all
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of this stuff is hand planted.
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That is amazing. I love it.
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Kevin, another thing...
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Oh, I can't ...can't do
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this any more, Kev, like...
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I'm calling you Kevin
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and my name's Kevin and it's
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getting to the point where
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it's confusing.
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I don't know who I'm talking to.
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Like, okay, watch this.
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What's your name?
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Kevin.
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Hi. You call me?
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You see what I'm saying?
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It's confusing. Just be "Dave."
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That's ridic--
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Come here, Dave, I got some
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stuff to show you, dude.
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I'ma show you something, Dave.
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You're about to see some [beep]
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that's gonna blow your mind,
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okay?
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What do you mean?
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I'm talking some custom
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[beep] that's so custom that
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you're not gonna be accustomed
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to it.
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Like what?
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Okay, they had to plant trees
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in the Brazilian rain forest,
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wait two years for those trees
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to go, then go back, cut those
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trees down, and then make
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the custom furniture that
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you're about to see.
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Now, Kevin, you understand
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that we're trying to protect
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the rain forest.
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You know that, right?
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I did.
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I put plastic over everything,
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right?
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Why you trippin', Dave?
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Kevin.
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Huh? What?
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What is...what is this?
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Where you going with that?
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Why are...who told you to
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move that?
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WOMAN: Get all this tacky
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bamboo [beep] outta here.
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What are you doin'?
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WOMAN: This ain't Vietnam.
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This is ridic-- Oh, wow.
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[laughs]
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Well, look who's in my house.
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OMG Insiders.
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It's Wanda Sykes and a car.
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♪
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KEVIN HART: What is...
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what is this?
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Where are you goin' with that?
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Why are...who told you to
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move that?
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WANDA: Yeah, get all this
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tacky bamboo [beep] outta here.
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This ain't Vietnam.
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What is going on?
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What are you doing?
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Okay, this is ridiculous.
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Oh, wow.
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[laughs]
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Well, look who's in my house,
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OMG Insiders.
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It's my long-time friend
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Wanda Sykes and a car.
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Hey, let's get a close up.
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Bigger star.
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Hey, Wanda, how are you?
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Get that big, old camera
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outta my face.
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You ready to write me a check?
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Okay, you know, I apologize,
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Dave.
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Listen, OMG Insider, we'll be
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right back with a sneak peek
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into Kevin's... ♪ His house
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Give me a second.
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Wanda, let me talk to you,
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please.
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What?
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What do you mean, what?
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What the hell are you doin'
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in my house?
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Oh! Oh! You got amnesia now.
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I don't have amnesia.
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My name is Kevin Hart
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and right now you're breakin'
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and enterin', Wanda.
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Are you serious?
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Yes, I'm serious.
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You told me I could use your
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house for my fund raiser--
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West Side Mentors.
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Why would I say something
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dumb like that, Wanda, why?
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Ow! Ow!
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Okay, so you're gonna donate
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$10,000 and give me access
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to your house or I'ma break your
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little punk-ass arm.
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Okay! I may have said that,
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but I didn't say nothin' about
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you bringing all that car
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in my house.
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How'd you get this through
288
00:07:42,413 --> 00:07:44,243
the door--witchcraft?
289
00:07:44,241 --> 00:07:45,451
No, mitch-craft.
290
00:07:45,448 --> 00:07:47,308
I made a wall disappear.
291
00:07:47,310 --> 00:07:48,480
I had a wall right there.
292
00:07:48,482 --> 00:07:49,452
Keep it up.
293
00:07:49,448 --> 00:07:50,788
I'ma make you disappear next.
294
00:07:50,793 --> 00:07:51,863
Oh, like you did your
295
00:07:51,862 --> 00:07:53,862
interest in men? Hm?
296
00:07:53,862 --> 00:07:54,932
You're just mad because I get
297
00:07:54,931 --> 00:07:56,171
more [beep] than you.
298
00:07:56,172 --> 00:07:59,242
Which is pathetic 'cause
299
00:07:59,241 --> 00:08:00,661
I'm married.
300
00:08:00,655 --> 00:08:02,445
[gasps]
301
00:08:02,448 --> 00:08:04,208
[growls]
302
00:08:04,206 --> 00:08:05,096
Why don't you do this at
303
00:08:05,103 --> 00:08:06,173
your house, Wanda?
304
00:08:06,172 --> 00:08:08,102
What? Put a car in my house?
305
00:08:08,103 --> 00:08:09,213
Who does that?
306
00:08:09,206 --> 00:08:10,206
That's the dumbest [beep]
307
00:08:10,206 --> 00:08:10,996
I ever heard.
308
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,170
Okay, you ...G, GTFO!
309
00:08:14,172 --> 00:08:15,172
What does that mean?
310
00:08:15,172 --> 00:08:16,282
It means get the [beep] out!
311
00:08:16,275 --> 00:08:17,685
Right now!
312
00:08:17,689 --> 00:08:18,479
I'ma a deal with you later,
313
00:08:18,482 --> 00:08:19,452
Wanda.
314
00:08:19,448 --> 00:08:21,028
[stomping on stairs]
315
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,694
There better not be no damn car
316
00:08:22,689 --> 00:08:25,789
in my room!
317
00:08:25,793 --> 00:08:26,723
[stomping on stairs]
318
00:08:26,724 --> 00:08:30,694
♪
319
00:08:30,689 --> 00:08:31,999
NICOLE: Oh, my gosh.
320
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,790
[laughs]
321
00:08:33,793 --> 00:08:35,033
So, are you guys excited
322
00:08:35,034 --> 00:08:36,344
or what for your new TV show?
323
00:08:36,344 --> 00:08:37,934
Hey, l-l-l-l-look, to have
324
00:08:37,931 --> 00:08:39,031
to look at each other all day
325
00:08:39,034 --> 00:08:40,724
at work and at home?
326
00:08:40,724 --> 00:08:41,834
BORIS: [laughs, coughs]
327
00:08:41,827 --> 00:08:44,617
I mean, I'm thrilled.
328
00:08:44,620 --> 00:08:45,760
Here's to "Duane and Tisha."
329
00:08:45,758 --> 00:08:46,788
Ah, ah, ah, the show's called
330
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:47,663
"Tisha and Duane."
331
00:08:47,655 --> 00:08:48,475
No, actually, no, it's gonna
332
00:08:48,482 --> 00:08:49,312
be alphabetical.
333
00:08:49,310 --> 00:08:50,210
The lawyers are still talking
334
00:08:50,206 --> 00:08:51,066
about it.
335
00:08:51,068 --> 00:08:51,968
TISHA: Good luck on that.
336
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:52,755
So, when are you two gonna
337
00:08:52,758 --> 00:08:53,618
work together again?
338
00:08:53,620 --> 00:08:54,520
Hey, you know...
339
00:08:54,517 --> 00:08:55,517
Right after Boris has
340
00:08:55,517 --> 00:08:56,967
the baby.
341
00:08:56,965 --> 00:08:58,025
TISHA: [laughs]
342
00:08:58,034 --> 00:08:59,004
That's bad.
343
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:00,280
It's not that bad, okay?
344
00:09:00,275 --> 00:09:01,135
TISHA: Oh, it's bad.
345
00:09:01,137 --> 00:09:01,967
I'm a little bit inflamed,
346
00:09:01,965 --> 00:09:02,995
but...
347
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:03,930
I'm a little jealous, though.
348
00:09:03,931 --> 00:09:04,931
I wish I had those titties.
349
00:09:04,931 --> 00:09:06,001
Oh, girl, you should see them
350
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:06,970
in a wet t-shirt.
351
00:09:06,965 --> 00:09:08,165
TISHA: [squeals]
352
00:09:08,172 --> 00:09:09,862
DUANE: [laughing]
353
00:09:09,862 --> 00:09:11,072
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
354
00:09:11,068 --> 00:09:12,028
No, don't...
355
00:09:12,034 --> 00:09:13,244
Really, my baby...
356
00:09:13,241 --> 00:09:14,311
He's just been depressed about
357
00:09:14,310 --> 00:09:15,590
his career lately.
358
00:09:15,586 --> 00:09:16,446
TISHA: Why?
359
00:09:16,448 --> 00:09:17,658
You know, up and down.
360
00:09:17,655 --> 00:09:18,545
I'm not depressed.
361
00:09:18,551 --> 00:09:19,411
NICOLE: And the phone not
362
00:09:19,413 --> 00:09:20,283
ringin'.
363
00:09:20,275 --> 00:09:21,475
It's just a transitional phase.
364
00:09:21,482 --> 00:09:22,382
Oh, thank you.
365
00:09:22,379 --> 00:09:23,279
I keep telling him every
366
00:09:23,275 --> 00:09:24,065
model/actor goes through this.
367
00:09:24,068 --> 00:09:24,968
Yeah, like Duane.
368
00:09:24,965 --> 00:09:25,785
DUANE: Who?
369
00:09:25,793 --> 00:09:26,723
BORIS: Really?
370
00:09:26,724 --> 00:09:27,724
From like 2007 until like...
371
00:09:27,724 --> 00:09:28,624
yesterday.
372
00:09:28,620 --> 00:09:29,660
No, no, no, I retired at
373
00:09:29,655 --> 00:09:30,655
the top of my game like Mike.
374
00:09:30,655 --> 00:09:32,205
Like Mike who, Bivins?
375
00:09:32,206 --> 00:09:33,236
No, 'cause Mike Bivins is
376
00:09:33,241 --> 00:09:34,521
still... [humming]
377
00:09:34,517 --> 00:09:36,307
Will you cool it now?
378
00:09:36,310 --> 00:09:37,590
GIRL: Good evening, sir.
379
00:09:37,586 --> 00:09:38,546
BORIS: Oh, you scared me.
380
00:09:38,551 --> 00:09:39,661
My name is Lola and I'm
381
00:09:39,655 --> 00:09:41,065
a West Side Mentors little
382
00:09:41,068 --> 00:09:41,968
sister.
383
00:09:41,965 --> 00:09:42,895
TISHA: Oh...
384
00:09:42,896 --> 00:09:44,066
May I take your coat?
385
00:09:44,068 --> 00:09:44,968
Let me see your hands.
386
00:09:44,965 --> 00:09:46,445
Did you wash 'em?
387
00:09:46,448 --> 00:09:47,518
Oh, listen!
388
00:09:47,517 --> 00:09:48,827
Don't mind him, Lola.
389
00:09:48,827 --> 00:09:50,097
He's just bein' an old
390
00:09:50,103 --> 00:09:52,103
sauerkraut.
391
00:09:52,103 --> 00:09:53,453
Here you go, baby.
392
00:09:53,448 --> 00:09:54,448
LOLA: Thank you, ma'am.
393
00:09:54,448 --> 00:09:55,448
TISHA: Oh, wow, what...
394
00:09:55,448 --> 00:09:56,448
BORIS: Bring me some cookies.
395
00:09:56,448 --> 00:09:57,448
LOLA: Okay.
396
00:09:57,448 --> 00:09:58,448
Well, what?
397
00:09:58,448 --> 00:09:59,448
Uh...um...
398
00:09:59,448 --> 00:10:00,448
What are you trying to say?
399
00:10:00,448 --> 00:10:01,448
Nothing. But you, uh...
400
00:10:01,448 --> 00:10:02,448
BORIS: Huh?
401
00:10:02,448 --> 00:10:03,448
She just...he's bloated.
402
00:10:03,448 --> 00:10:04,448
Bloated?
403
00:10:04,448 --> 00:10:05,448
DUANE: Just a little bit.
404
00:10:05,448 --> 00:10:06,448
BORIS: Do you know anything
405
00:10:06,448 --> 00:10:07,448
about musculature?
406
00:10:07,448 --> 00:10:08,448
TISHA: Wow.
407
00:10:08,448 --> 00:10:10,998
DUANE: Boy, your stomach's
408
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,480
moving.
409
00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:18,622
♪
410
00:10:18,620 --> 00:10:20,550
Hm, this is cheap [beep].
411
00:10:20,551 --> 00:10:22,101
Oh, there he is.
412
00:10:22,103 --> 00:10:23,103
E, what's happening?
413
00:10:23,103 --> 00:10:24,103
What's up, Nelly?
414
00:10:24,103 --> 00:10:25,103
I'm good, baby. How are you?
415
00:10:25,103 --> 00:10:26,033
I'm good, man. You look good.
416
00:10:26,034 --> 00:10:27,034
I like that jacket.
417
00:10:27,034 --> 00:10:28,484
It's almost as nice as mine.
418
00:10:28,482 --> 00:10:29,382
[laughs]
419
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:30,309
NELLY: [laughs] Whatever.
420
00:10:30,310 --> 00:10:31,340
KEVIN: All these damn people
421
00:10:31,344 --> 00:10:32,244
in my house and I don't even
422
00:10:32,241 --> 00:10:33,141
know half of them.
423
00:10:33,137 --> 00:10:34,587
It's ridiculous.
424
00:10:34,586 --> 00:10:35,516
Better not be messin' up
425
00:10:35,517 --> 00:10:36,407
my floors.
426
00:10:36,413 --> 00:10:37,313
ERIC: I'm glad I ran into you
427
00:10:37,310 --> 00:10:38,210
'cause I got this proposition
428
00:10:38,206 --> 00:10:39,096
for ya.
429
00:10:39,103 --> 00:10:40,073
NELLY: Look, no more free
430
00:10:40,068 --> 00:10:41,028
concerts, for your wife, man.
431
00:10:41,034 --> 00:10:41,864
ERIC: Oh, no, I feel you
432
00:10:41,862 --> 00:10:42,622
on that.
433
00:10:42,620 --> 00:10:43,450
I'm sick of doin' them, too.
434
00:10:43,448 --> 00:10:44,478
KEVIN: Oh!
435
00:10:44,482 --> 00:10:45,722
Listen, I wanna put some real
436
00:10:45,724 --> 00:10:47,384
money in your pocket. For real.
437
00:10:47,379 --> 00:10:48,759
Do I look like I need money?
438
00:10:48,758 --> 00:10:49,758
ERIC: Man, come on.
439
00:10:49,758 --> 00:10:50,588
Could you use some more?
440
00:10:50,586 --> 00:10:51,406
KEVIN: You gotta be
441
00:10:51,413 --> 00:10:52,173
kidding me.
442
00:10:52,172 --> 00:10:53,282
Look at her.
443
00:10:53,275 --> 00:10:54,445
NELLY: What's your point?
444
00:10:54,448 --> 00:10:55,588
Just meet me at the studio
445
00:10:55,586 --> 00:10:56,446
next week.
446
00:10:56,448 --> 00:10:57,378
Next week?
447
00:10:57,379 --> 00:10:58,969
Next week and don't flake.
448
00:10:58,965 --> 00:11:00,475
KEVIN: Excuse me.
449
00:11:00,482 --> 00:11:01,282
ERIC: All right?
450
00:11:01,275 --> 00:11:02,065
NELLY: The studio.
451
00:11:02,068 --> 00:11:02,968
ERIC: Yeah.
452
00:11:02,965 --> 00:11:05,025
KEVIN: Hey! Jackasses!
453
00:11:05,034 --> 00:11:06,794
None of y'all felt that?
454
00:11:06,793 --> 00:11:08,003
Nobody?
455
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:08,930
What did--
456
00:11:08,931 --> 00:11:10,171
Nah, don't even talk to me.
457
00:11:10,172 --> 00:11:11,032
Don't worry about it.
458
00:11:11,034 --> 00:11:11,834
Go ahead.
459
00:11:11,827 --> 00:11:12,717
ERIC: Anyway, show up
460
00:11:12,724 --> 00:11:13,594
Thursday.
461
00:11:13,586 --> 00:11:16,096
KEVIN: You have no idea...
462
00:11:16,103 --> 00:11:17,033
[stomping on stairs]
463
00:11:17,034 --> 00:11:24,594
♪
464
00:11:24,586 --> 00:11:25,786
NOAH: Another smartphone!
465
00:11:25,793 --> 00:11:28,453
LOLA: Yes!
466
00:11:28,448 --> 00:11:29,378
NOAH: Who are you?
467
00:11:29,379 --> 00:11:30,239
KEVIN: Who are you?
468
00:11:30,241 --> 00:11:31,341
LOLA: Who are you?
469
00:11:31,344 --> 00:11:32,344
KEVIN: Who are you?
470
00:11:32,344 --> 00:11:33,454
LOLA: Who are you?
471
00:11:33,448 --> 00:11:34,828
Foster kid.
472
00:11:34,827 --> 00:11:35,757
I'm not gonna go back and
473
00:11:35,758 --> 00:11:36,588
forth with you in my house
474
00:11:36,586 --> 00:11:37,516
about who I am.
475
00:11:37,517 --> 00:11:38,517
You're the foster kids,
476
00:11:38,517 --> 00:11:40,027
you little doorstep babies.
477
00:11:40,034 --> 00:11:41,104
Man, get outta here.
478
00:11:41,103 --> 00:11:42,483
10-year-olds don't own houses.
479
00:11:42,482 --> 00:11:43,482
I'd like to put this size 10
480
00:11:43,482 --> 00:11:44,932
in your ass, boy.
481
00:11:44,931 --> 00:11:46,591
Come on, pimp. This is a 10.
482
00:11:46,586 --> 00:11:47,616
That's a 6.
483
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:48,970
KIDS: [laughing]
484
00:11:48,965 --> 00:11:49,825
That's funny.
485
00:11:49,827 --> 00:11:50,617
You could be doing 6-10
486
00:11:50,620 --> 00:11:51,380
in a minute.
487
00:11:51,379 --> 00:11:52,139
What's in the bag?
488
00:11:52,137 --> 00:11:56,477
What y'all--Hey, girl!
489
00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:59,902
Who's your mother--Grace Jones?
490
00:11:59,896 --> 00:12:01,206
BORIS, have you at least
491
00:12:01,206 --> 00:12:03,066
considered my proposal?
492
00:12:03,068 --> 00:12:06,588
Hm? Mmmmm!
493
00:12:06,586 --> 00:12:07,406
[mouth full of food]
494
00:12:07,413 --> 00:12:08,313
Let me tell you one more time.
495
00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:09,660
I'm not gonna do a chitlin
496
00:12:09,655 --> 00:12:10,855
circle play, all right?
497
00:12:10,862 --> 00:12:11,972
Okay, so you have a problem
498
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,095
with chitlins 'cause it looks
499
00:12:13,103 --> 00:12:14,343
like you're on an all pork diet.
500
00:12:14,344 --> 00:12:15,174
What is this?
501
00:12:15,172 --> 00:12:16,762
It's protein. All protein.
502
00:12:16,758 --> 00:12:17,718
No, there's other items
503
00:12:17,724 --> 00:12:18,554
on this table.
504
00:12:18,551 --> 00:12:19,521
Look at the veggies and there's
505
00:12:19,517 --> 00:12:20,477
a nice little fruit platter
506
00:12:20,482 --> 00:12:21,312
over there.
507
00:12:21,310 --> 00:12:22,310
I gotta feed the muscle
508
00:12:22,310 --> 00:12:23,170
tissue with protein.
509
00:12:23,172 --> 00:12:24,002
Where is it?
510
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:25,000
There's red muscle fibers
511
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:25,860
right here.
512
00:12:25,862 --> 00:12:27,032
You better eat it up, Trina.
513
00:12:27,034 --> 00:12:27,974
[laughs]
514
00:12:27,965 --> 00:12:28,925
Oh, my goodness.
515
00:12:28,931 --> 00:12:29,831
Honey, you know you're gonna
516
00:12:29,827 --> 00:12:30,787
have to lose this weight, right?
517
00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:31,693
When this is over.
518
00:12:31,689 --> 00:12:32,859
[dramatically] Boris!
519
00:12:32,862 --> 00:12:35,072
There you are!
520
00:12:35,068 --> 00:12:36,378
You're gonna pay for this.
521
00:12:36,379 --> 00:12:37,449
Hopefully you will be paying
522
00:12:37,448 --> 00:12:39,098
me a commission.
523
00:12:39,103 --> 00:12:41,833
David, so good to see you.
524
00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:42,897
[air kissing]
525
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:43,826
Oh, this color.
526
00:12:43,827 --> 00:12:44,687
It looks amazing on you.
527
00:12:44,689 --> 00:12:45,689
It's fantastic.
528
00:12:45,689 --> 00:12:46,689
Thank you, I dyed it, myself.
529
00:12:46,689 --> 00:12:47,999
Oh, did you?
530
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,000
It looks fantastic.
531
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:49,860
DAVID: Thank you.
532
00:12:49,862 --> 00:12:50,692
Let me introduce the two
533
00:12:50,689 --> 00:12:51,619
of you.
534
00:12:51,620 --> 00:12:52,720
This is David Ty-Various
535
00:12:52,724 --> 00:12:54,524
Perrious III and this--
536
00:12:54,517 --> 00:13:00,447
I know who it is.
537
00:13:00,448 --> 00:13:08,408
It's Johnson, my leading man.
538
00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:14,143
Oh, dear, my Johnson's huge!
539
00:13:14,137 --> 00:13:15,277
I'm not gonna do it.
540
00:13:15,275 --> 00:13:17,655
Can we talk about...
541
00:13:17,655 --> 00:13:21,065
Hey! No!
542
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:22,338
Don't worry, he'll shrink back
543
00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:23,694
down to his normal size.
544
00:13:23,689 --> 00:13:25,479
He just needs to go bust a few
545
00:13:25,482 --> 00:13:26,722
out in the gym.
546
00:13:26,724 --> 00:13:27,864
If wanted Ruben Studdard,
547
00:13:27,862 --> 00:13:28,932
I would have called him.
548
00:13:28,931 --> 00:13:30,281
Look, he is the man.
549
00:13:30,275 --> 00:13:31,475
Yes, I need him.
550
00:13:31,482 --> 00:13:32,282
And you are going to
551
00:13:32,275 --> 00:13:33,065
have him....
552
00:13:33,068 --> 00:13:34,308
I need him!
553
00:13:34,310 --> 00:13:38,210
...and it's gonna be good.
554
00:13:38,206 --> 00:13:39,546
Where'd the damn kids go?
555
00:13:39,551 --> 00:13:42,381
I'm sorry. Excuse me.
556
00:13:42,379 --> 00:13:44,719
Kev, K, man, it's a party.
557
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:45,934
Why are you not dressed up?
558
00:13:45,931 --> 00:13:46,931
Oh, I'm sorry, Nick.
559
00:13:46,931 --> 00:13:47,931
I didn't want to come dressed
560
00:13:47,931 --> 00:13:48,761
like a damn panda.
561
00:13:48,758 --> 00:13:49,618
Oh, all right.
562
00:13:49,620 --> 00:13:50,590
Congrats on your new show.
563
00:13:50,586 --> 00:13:51,406
What show?
564
00:13:51,413 --> 00:13:52,383
What are you talking about?
565
00:13:52,379 --> 00:13:53,309
"Are Your Clothes Tighter
566
00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:54,240
Than a Fifth Graders?"
567
00:13:54,241 --> 00:13:55,171
Now, look, you like what I did
568
00:13:55,172 --> 00:13:56,282
with the place?
569
00:13:56,275 --> 00:13:57,515
We are sponsoring this charity
570
00:13:57,517 --> 00:13:58,547
event.
571
00:13:58,551 --> 00:14:00,281
It's incredible.
572
00:14:00,275 --> 00:14:01,135
The answer is, Nick,
573
00:14:01,137 --> 00:14:02,167
I think it's annoying.
574
00:14:02,172 --> 00:14:03,142
I think you're intruding.
575
00:14:03,137 --> 00:14:04,167
I want all these people and all
576
00:14:04,172 --> 00:14:05,002
this stuff outta my house.
577
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,690
It's too much, man.
578
00:14:06,689 --> 00:14:08,589
Have an NCredible day.
579
00:14:08,586 --> 00:14:11,276
Oh, hell, yeah, I will.
580
00:14:11,275 --> 00:14:12,025
I want everybody to leave
581
00:14:12,034 --> 00:14:13,004
except them two.
582
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:13,970
That's the only people
583
00:14:13,965 --> 00:14:14,925
I want to stay. That's it.
584
00:14:14,931 --> 00:14:16,451
Now keep this. Here, take--
585
00:14:16,448 --> 00:14:17,338
[air horn blowing]
586
00:14:17,344 --> 00:14:18,484
Is that a horn?
587
00:14:18,482 --> 00:14:19,412
What kinda horn is that?
588
00:14:19,413 --> 00:14:20,243
If it's headphones, I want
589
00:14:20,241 --> 00:14:21,761
it, Nick.
590
00:14:21,758 --> 00:14:24,828
NCredible Enterprises--
591
00:14:24,827 --> 00:14:30,447
coming to a home near you.
592
00:14:30,448 --> 00:14:31,238
KEVIN HART: Who in the
593
00:14:31,241 --> 00:14:34,861
hell ...o...?
594
00:14:34,862 --> 00:14:35,832
[sighs] You gotta be kidding me.
595
00:14:35,827 --> 00:14:36,687
Come on.
596
00:14:36,689 --> 00:14:37,549
No valet?
597
00:14:37,551 --> 00:14:38,381
Hello, Kevin.
598
00:14:38,379 --> 00:14:39,169
Hey.
599
00:14:39,172 --> 00:14:40,142
We made it, baby.
600
00:14:40,137 --> 00:14:40,967
I see. I see.
601
00:14:40,965 --> 00:14:41,855
Where we park at?
602
00:14:41,862 --> 00:14:42,832
It looks like you already
603
00:14:42,827 --> 00:14:43,787
made up your mind where you're
604
00:14:43,793 --> 00:14:44,663
parking at, JB.
605
00:14:44,655 --> 00:14:45,615
Look, Kevin, not right now.
606
00:14:45,620 --> 00:14:46,620
Come on, man, we just had
607
00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:47,620
a long trip, just finished on
608
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:48,620
a movie with Larry David,
609
00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:49,620
and we just wanna have a good
610
00:14:49,620 --> 00:14:50,280
time, okay?
611
00:14:50,275 --> 00:14:51,235
You just did a movie
612
00:14:51,241 --> 00:14:52,141
with Larry David?
613
00:14:52,137 --> 00:14:53,137
What did you say he was gonna
614
00:14:53,137 --> 00:14:54,097
do for me?
615
00:14:54,103 --> 00:14:54,973
Kevin, look, man--
616
00:14:54,965 --> 00:14:55,895
You said you was gonna
617
00:14:55,896 --> 00:14:56,756
introduce me to Larry.
618
00:14:56,758 --> 00:14:57,618
The man told me in his own
619
00:14:57,620 --> 00:14:58,620
words, one Black friend
620
00:14:58,620 --> 00:14:59,410
at a time.
621
00:14:59,413 --> 00:15:00,413
JB, it doesn't matter.
622
00:15:00,413 --> 00:15:01,413
You don't want him to meet me.
623
00:15:01,413 --> 00:15:02,343
Why are you trying to keep
624
00:15:02,344 --> 00:15:03,174
Larry from me?
625
00:15:03,172 --> 00:15:04,102
I can't just push you on
626
00:15:04,103 --> 00:15:04,973
the mat, Kevin.
627
00:15:04,965 --> 00:15:05,755
You can just push me on
628
00:15:05,758 --> 00:15:06,518
the mat.
629
00:15:06,517 --> 00:15:07,337
I can't just say, here,
630
00:15:07,344 --> 00:15:08,034
take him, take him!
631
00:15:08,034 --> 00:15:08,794
You can say that.
632
00:15:08,793 --> 00:15:09,483
You choose not to.
633
00:15:09,482 --> 00:15:10,212
No, he told me in
634
00:15:10,206 --> 00:15:10,966
his own words.
635
00:15:10,965 --> 00:15:11,925
Okay. Fine. Whatever, JB.
636
00:15:11,931 --> 00:15:12,791
Where do I park it?
637
00:15:12,793 --> 00:15:13,663
Park this at your house.
638
00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:14,585
This is our house, Kevin.
639
00:15:14,586 --> 00:15:15,446
I'm not talking to you
640
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:16,238
right now.
641
00:15:16,241 --> 00:15:17,141
What?
642
00:15:17,137 --> 00:15:17,967
Hey, man, this is my wife
643
00:15:17,965 --> 00:15:18,825
you're talking to right now.
644
00:15:18,827 --> 00:15:19,757
You better recognize.
645
00:15:19,758 --> 00:15:20,548
Okay, fine, I apologize
646
00:15:20,551 --> 00:15:21,281
for that.
647
00:15:21,275 --> 00:15:22,305
[remote beeps]
648
00:15:22,310 --> 00:15:23,720
You should apologize.
649
00:15:23,724 --> 00:15:25,454
Okay, JB, this is ridiculous.
650
00:15:25,448 --> 00:15:26,338
There are certain things
651
00:15:26,344 --> 00:15:27,694
I thought I'd never see--
652
00:15:27,689 --> 00:15:28,829
a Black President,
653
00:15:28,827 --> 00:15:30,307
a Chinese point guard,
654
00:15:30,310 --> 00:15:31,720
and a winnenegro.
655
00:15:31,724 --> 00:15:32,594
You always say,
656
00:15:32,586 --> 00:15:33,376
get a room, right?
657
00:15:33,379 --> 00:15:34,409
We got a room. Mmm!
658
00:15:34,413 --> 00:15:35,693
That's right, baby.
659
00:15:35,689 --> 00:15:36,479
JB: [kisses]
660
00:15:36,482 --> 00:15:37,522
We got us a room.
661
00:15:37,517 --> 00:15:38,337
A living room.
662
00:15:38,344 --> 00:15:39,144
JB, I'm not very interested
663
00:15:39,137 --> 00:15:39,997
in watching y'all--
664
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:40,860
WANDA: Kevin!
665
00:15:40,862 --> 00:15:41,662
JB: Bedroom.
666
00:15:41,655 --> 00:15:42,925
KEVIN: This is stupid.
667
00:15:42,931 --> 00:15:43,831
WANDA: Kevin!
668
00:15:43,827 --> 00:15:44,617
KEVIN: What you guys--
669
00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:45,520
WOMAN: I got them clothes,
670
00:15:45,517 --> 00:15:46,307
okay?
671
00:15:46,310 --> 00:15:47,140
What you guys are doing is
672
00:15:47,137 --> 00:15:47,967
dumb and get...
673
00:15:47,965 --> 00:15:48,895
JB, you're bringing my property
674
00:15:48,896 --> 00:15:49,586
values down.
675
00:15:49,586 --> 00:15:50,446
I'm bringing your property
676
00:15:50,448 --> 00:15:51,448
values up!
677
00:15:51,448 --> 00:15:52,338
CHARMAGNE: I got on the same
678
00:15:52,344 --> 00:15:53,284
outfit that you had on in "Pooty
679
00:15:53,275 --> 00:15:54,165
Tang," Biggie Shorty.
680
00:15:54,172 --> 00:15:55,242
WANDA: I was actin'.
681
00:15:55,241 --> 00:15:56,171
I don't own no clothes.
682
00:15:56,172 --> 00:15:56,972
KEVIN: Okay, what's goin' on?
683
00:15:56,965 --> 00:15:57,855
You come up to the house
684
00:15:57,862 --> 00:15:58,522
like that?
685
00:15:58,517 --> 00:15:59,827
What's the problem?
686
00:15:59,827 --> 00:16:00,857
Your life choices, Kevin.
687
00:16:00,862 --> 00:16:01,862
No. Your little pit bull
688
00:16:01,862 --> 00:16:03,482
won't let me in, Kevin.
689
00:16:03,482 --> 00:16:04,662
Ah! No! This [beep] didn't
690
00:16:04,655 --> 00:16:05,755
just call me a dog.
691
00:16:05,758 --> 00:16:06,588
Okay, listen, give me
692
00:16:06,586 --> 00:16:07,446
a second.
693
00:16:07,448 --> 00:16:08,378
Wanda, Wanda, that is my guest.
694
00:16:08,379 --> 00:16:09,209
A guest?
695
00:16:09,206 --> 00:16:10,136
No, no, no, these people are
696
00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:11,067
guests, Kevin.
697
00:16:11,068 --> 00:16:12,028
This is a skank.
698
00:16:12,034 --> 00:16:12,934
Now get outta here.
699
00:16:12,931 --> 00:16:15,411
No, grandma, it is a racket.
700
00:16:15,413 --> 00:16:16,213
Grandma?
701
00:16:16,206 --> 00:16:16,896
Grandma.
702
00:16:16,896 --> 00:16:17,856
No, no, I'm old school.
703
00:16:17,862 --> 00:16:18,832
No, you're just old. Old.
704
00:16:18,827 --> 00:16:19,717
Get outta here before
705
00:16:19,724 --> 00:16:20,664
we all get a staph infection.
706
00:16:20,655 --> 00:16:21,615
Come here. Come here.
707
00:16:21,620 --> 00:16:22,480
Kevin, I will kick this
708
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:23,382
[beep] in her neck.
709
00:16:23,379 --> 00:16:24,519
I know you will. Let me talk.
710
00:16:24,517 --> 00:16:25,307
What'd she just say about me?
711
00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:26,860
Charmagne! Shut it down!
712
00:16:26,862 --> 00:16:28,002
Give me a second.
713
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,100
[beep] cancer nails!
714
00:16:29,103 --> 00:16:30,243
Okay, listen, listen--
715
00:16:30,241 --> 00:16:31,171
Kevin.
716
00:16:31,172 --> 00:16:32,002
Wanda, let me handle this.
717
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:32,970
Give me a second.
718
00:16:32,965 --> 00:16:33,755
Kevin...
719
00:16:33,758 --> 00:16:34,618
I already know.
720
00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:35,860
All right. I'm on probation.
721
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:36,762
I can't do this.
722
00:16:36,758 --> 00:16:37,718
I don't want you going back.
723
00:16:37,724 --> 00:16:38,554
Give me a second.
724
00:16:38,551 --> 00:16:40,311
Charmagne!
725
00:16:40,310 --> 00:16:41,860
What are you doin'?
726
00:16:41,862 --> 00:16:42,762
What is she doin'?
727
00:16:42,758 --> 00:16:44,138
Listen, listen, first of all,
728
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,167
you won.
729
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,722
That's the first thing. Okay?
730
00:16:46,724 --> 00:16:47,484
High five.
731
00:16:47,482 --> 00:16:48,412
What's the high fivin'
732
00:16:48,413 --> 00:16:49,313
and the smilin', Kevin?
733
00:16:49,310 --> 00:16:50,210
What's all that?
734
00:16:50,206 --> 00:16:51,166
She be thinkin' that she won.
735
00:16:51,172 --> 00:16:52,102
That's all psych.
736
00:16:52,103 --> 00:16:52,933
No, you didn't.
737
00:16:52,931 --> 00:16:53,791
That's why I did that.
738
00:16:53,793 --> 00:16:54,863
I'm fixin' it.
739
00:16:54,862 --> 00:16:56,792
Listen, baby, I'll fix this.
740
00:16:56,793 --> 00:16:57,793
Fix it.
741
00:16:57,793 --> 00:16:59,523
It's gonna take me a...
742
00:16:59,517 --> 00:17:02,587
[heavenly music]
743
00:17:02,586 --> 00:17:03,896
Ebanks, Selita.
744
00:17:03,896 --> 00:17:04,756
Uh...give...give me
745
00:17:04,758 --> 00:17:05,968
a second.
746
00:17:05,965 --> 00:17:06,995
Wanda, I'm about to get this
747
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,000
[beep] outta here right now.
748
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,000
[shrill whistle]
749
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:09,790
[clears throat]
750
00:17:09,793 --> 00:17:10,723
Baby, give me a second.
751
00:17:10,724 --> 00:17:11,724
Turn around. Just turn around.
752
00:17:11,724 --> 00:17:12,484
What?
753
00:17:12,482 --> 00:17:13,312
Go on.
754
00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:14,140
What are you...
755
00:17:14,137 --> 00:17:14,997
What are you ...vin!
756
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:15,970
Get your hands off of me!
757
00:17:15,965 --> 00:17:16,925
Get your hands off of her.
758
00:17:16,931 --> 00:17:17,831
Don't do this to her.
759
00:17:17,827 --> 00:17:18,757
What? I'm gonna do that!
760
00:17:18,758 --> 00:17:19,548
I'm not playing.
761
00:17:19,551 --> 00:17:20,521
Drop her off at a corner.
762
00:17:20,517 --> 00:17:21,307
Kevin!
763
00:17:21,310 --> 00:17:22,240
That's crazy that she would
764
00:17:22,241 --> 00:17:23,071
do that.
765
00:17:23,068 --> 00:17:24,028
I get that all the time.
766
00:17:24,034 --> 00:17:25,144
You could have a better life
767
00:17:25,137 --> 00:17:25,997
than this, Kevin, you know
768
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:26,830
that, right?
769
00:17:26,827 --> 00:17:27,997
Which is why I'm about to
770
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,140
go put my money in Ebanks
771
00:17:29,137 --> 00:17:30,237
right now.
772
00:17:30,241 --> 00:17:31,481
Give me a second.
773
00:17:31,482 --> 00:17:32,452
That's gonna be a small
774
00:17:32,448 --> 00:17:34,028
deposit.
775
00:17:34,034 --> 00:17:36,314
[clears throat]
776
00:17:36,310 --> 00:17:38,720
Hey!
777
00:17:38,724 --> 00:17:39,724
I didn't know you were gonna
778
00:17:39,724 --> 00:17:40,694
be here.
779
00:17:40,689 --> 00:17:41,789
I guess that was one of
780
00:17:41,793 --> 00:17:43,033
Victoria's secrets.
781
00:17:43,034 --> 00:17:44,484
[laughing]
782
00:17:44,482 --> 00:17:45,662
Oh, original.
783
00:17:45,655 --> 00:17:46,615
I've been in love with
784
00:17:46,620 --> 00:17:47,450
Selita Ebanks since before
785
00:17:47,448 --> 00:17:49,478
she had wings and everybody
786
00:17:49,482 --> 00:17:51,412
knows that I love wings.
787
00:17:51,413 --> 00:17:53,933
[chuckling]
788
00:17:53,931 --> 00:17:55,241
I love 'em.
789
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:56,551
SELITA: Oh. [laughs]
790
00:17:56,551 --> 00:17:57,411
And speaking of panties,
791
00:17:57,413 --> 00:17:58,243
here comes your Ex.
792
00:17:58,241 --> 00:17:59,031
I can throw him out,
793
00:17:59,034 --> 00:17:59,834
if you want me to.
794
00:17:59,827 --> 00:18:00,787
Hey, Selita.
795
00:18:00,793 --> 00:18:01,723
Hi!
796
00:18:01,724 --> 00:18:02,664
How're you doing?
797
00:18:02,655 --> 00:18:03,515
How are you, Nick?
798
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:04,857
I'm well. You look great.
799
00:18:04,862 --> 00:18:06,172
Oh, well, you know...
800
00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,172
SELITA & NICK: [laughing]
801
00:18:07,172 --> 00:18:08,032
Shoulda said it while you
802
00:18:08,034 --> 00:18:10,004
was engaged.
803
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,070
Excuse me?
804
00:18:11,068 --> 00:18:12,548
I didn't say nothin', Nick.
805
00:18:12,551 --> 00:18:14,551
I'm sorry, do you know him?
806
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:16,071
Yes, I'm sorry.
807
00:18:16,068 --> 00:18:17,208
Are y'all together?
808
00:18:17,206 --> 00:18:17,996
No.
809
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:18,970
Yes, actually, we are
810
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:19,925
working on...
811
00:18:19,931 --> 00:18:21,101
I don't know him.
812
00:18:21,103 --> 00:18:22,413
...some conversation.
813
00:18:22,413 --> 00:18:23,343
Oh, I see what's going on
814
00:18:23,344 --> 00:18:24,624
here.
815
00:18:24,620 --> 00:18:25,930
I'ma go back in the house
816
00:18:25,931 --> 00:18:27,381
and let Kevin finish making
817
00:18:27,379 --> 00:18:28,999
a damn fool of himself.
818
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:29,930
Yeah, 'cause the white suit
819
00:18:29,931 --> 00:18:31,001
was a great choice today.
820
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:31,930
Oh, really?
821
00:18:31,931 --> 00:18:32,861
Why are you dressed like the kid
822
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,932
from the Cracker Jack box?
823
00:18:34,931 --> 00:18:36,451
You can buy me.
824
00:18:36,448 --> 00:18:37,828
That's good, Nick.
825
00:18:37,827 --> 00:18:38,997
Can you believe him--
826
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:40,170
interrupting us like that?
827
00:18:40,172 --> 00:18:41,412
SELITA: [laughs]
828
00:18:41,413 --> 00:18:42,663
I'm sorry, um, who are you?
829
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:43,655
I'm Kevin Ha--
830
00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:44,655
Exactly.
831
00:18:44,655 --> 00:18:45,655
Calm down, hobbit, she's not
832
00:18:45,655 --> 00:18:46,655
here for you.
833
00:18:46,655 --> 00:18:47,655
Okay.
834
00:18:47,655 --> 00:18:50,715
Okay? She's here for Romany.
835
00:18:50,724 --> 00:18:56,864
SELITA: Hey, Romany.
836
00:18:56,862 --> 00:18:57,692
ROMANY: Thanks for comin'.
837
00:18:57,689 --> 00:18:58,589
SELITA: Of course.
838
00:18:58,586 --> 00:19:01,686
What are you doin'?
839
00:19:01,689 --> 00:19:05,999
Damn, these some good wings.
840
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,450
Almost as good as Selita's.
841
00:19:09,448 --> 00:19:13,478
Mitch Romany.
842
00:19:13,482 --> 00:19:27,032
This ain't over.
♪
50555
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