Original subtitles

♪

KEVIN HART NARRATING:

I didn't choose Hollywood--

it chose me--and now that I'm

here, there's one important

lesson I've learned.

This [beep] is harder than

I thought...

especially for the husbands.

In this town, who you're married

to is more important than

talent.

Things aren't always sunny in

the pit of opportunity.

That's why I keep my boys close.

Friends on three!

ALL: One, two, three!

Break!

KEVIN: And my enemies

closer.

You didn't get your feel on

or your feel-lay-min-on.

OTHERS: [laughing]

KEVIN: This is a town of

dreams and nightmares.

See, show business can kick you

in the ass and treat you like

a used up mitch.

[punch]

KEVIN: Ow! Little girl!

Hollywood is about livin'

the dream and makin'

the next big move--

no matter what it takes.

[distorted shouting]

JB: [groaning]

JB, will you stop

auditionin', man, and just eat

your damn food, please.

Zombies don't eat real

food, Kevin.

♪

KEVIN: And kickin' it up

to the next level--

no matter who you gotta use.

I just came here to spin

in front of y'all.

Y'all, y'all, see?

This [beep] gotta stop.

Yeah, I know it does.

How the [beep] did I let you

talk me into this?

Didn't nobody make you take

the money.

Y'all know I can hear you,

right?

KEVIN: All while fighting our

inner demons of doubt, despair,

and jealousy.

I got it.

♪ Gotta gotta gotta gotta

♪ Bust a move

♪

KEVIN: In our world, you

gotta watch who you [beep] on

because friends are fleeting,

enemies are forever.

Even when you're on top, you're

no more than a stumble away

from losin' it all.

♪

[gasping]

Wings?!

Oh, this [beep] is vile.

Welcome to "The Real Husbands

of Hollywood."

♪

KEVIN: Some people try to

trade in cars every year.

Me?

I trade in houses.

See, Kev, this is what you

gotta understand.

When you start to get into my...

my stratosphere--

Whoa, your stratosphere?

Yeah, my stratosphere.

My level of...of success,

I guess, you've gotta surround

yourself with other people who

understand and appreciate your

level and you've get things that

reflect that, as well.

For instance, Kev, take a look

at my house.

KEVIN: Wow.

How much did this cost?

Oh, man, it's not about

money--$10 million.

I wanna show you something else.

Come with me. Come on, let's go.

All right, yeah.

Uh, Kev, this here is

actually made out of elephant

ivory.

Kev, that's illegal.

Wait, wait, wait, or did

I buy it from Keenen Ivory?

It's one or the other.

I don't ...don't remember.

Uh, dude, you gotta stop

right here.

This is my custom-built penguin

cage right here.

Kev, where are the penguins?

They left. They've been gone.

Where--?

Hey, did you know that

penguins don't like warm

climates?

Valley gets hot.

That threw me off, too. [laughs]

Oh, yeah, here we go.

Down to the nooks

and crannies, baby.

This is my custom-built

tiger cage.

My tiger's name is Woods.

[laughs]

Kevin, where's the tiger?

Let's just say he's

at large right now. Yeah.

I don't know where he's at.

That's why the penguins left.

I shouldn't have put the cages

that close together.

Nobody told me.

Come on.

[tiger snarls]

Oh [beep]! Woods!

Woods, you get back in that

cage right now!

[tiger snarling]

That's your tiger?

Do what you want, then.

He's got an attitude.

He's crazy--

No, this is crazy.

Oh, no, man! Mr. Puffer!

Well, I guess it's safe to say

that he won't be flying south

for the winter.

Penguins don't fly, Kev.

Apparently they don't run,

either.

[sighs]

Oh, well, I'll have to buy

another one.

[tiger snarling]

I see it!

Kev, do me a favor.

Go on that side and see

if he's there.

I'ma go on this side.

Unh-huh.

Fine. Fine. Come on.

I want you to get out here

and clean Mr. Puffer's arm up!

Man, the house is beautiful.

You gotta understand that all

of this stuff is hand planted.

That is amazing. I love it.

Kevin, another thing...

Oh, I can't ...can't do

this any more, Kev, like...

I'm calling you Kevin

and my name's Kevin and it's

getting to the point where

it's confusing.

I don't know who I'm talking to.

Like, okay, watch this.

What's your name?

Kevin.

Hi. You call me?

You see what I'm saying?

It's confusing. Just be "Dave."

That's ridic--

Come here, Dave, I got some

stuff to show you, dude.

I'ma show you something, Dave.

You're about to see some [beep]

that's gonna blow your mind,

okay?

What do you mean?

I'm talking some custom

[beep] that's so custom that

you're not gonna be accustomed

to it.

Like what?

Okay, they had to plant trees

in the Brazilian rain forest,

wait two years for those trees

to go, then go back, cut those

trees down, and then make

the custom furniture that

you're about to see.

Now, Kevin, you understand

that we're trying to protect

the rain forest.

You know that, right?

I did.

I put plastic over everything,

right?

Why you trippin', Dave?

Kevin.

Huh? What?

What is...what is this?

Where you going with that?

Why are...who told you to

move that?

WOMAN: Get all this tacky

bamboo [beep] outta here.

What are you doin'?

WOMAN: This ain't Vietnam.

This is ridic-- Oh, wow.

[laughs]

Well, look who's in my house.

OMG Insiders.

It's Wanda Sykes and a car.

♪

KEVIN HART: What is...

what is this?

Where are you goin' with that?

Why are...who told you to

move that?

WANDA: Yeah, get all this

tacky bamboo [beep] outta here.

This ain't Vietnam.

What is going on?

What are you doing?

Okay, this is ridiculous.

Oh, wow.

[laughs]

Well, look who's in my house,

OMG Insiders.

It's my long-time friend

Wanda Sykes and a car.

Hey, let's get a close up.

Bigger star.

Hey, Wanda, how are you?

Get that big, old camera

outta my face.

You ready to write me a check?

Okay, you know, I apologize,

Dave.

Listen, OMG Insider, we'll be

right back with a sneak peek

into Kevin's... ♪ His house

Give me a second.

Wanda, let me talk to you,

please.

What?

What do you mean, what?

What the hell are you doin'

in my house?

Oh! Oh! You got amnesia now.

I don't have amnesia.

My name is Kevin Hart

and right now you're breakin'

and enterin', Wanda.

Are you serious?

Yes, I'm serious.

You told me I could use your

house for my fund raiser--

West Side Mentors.

Why would I say something

dumb like that, Wanda, why?

Ow! Ow!

Okay, so you're gonna donate

$10,000 and give me access

to your house or I'ma break your

little punk-ass arm.

Okay! I may have said that,

but I didn't say nothin' about

you bringing all that car

in my house.

How'd you get this through

the door--witchcraft?

No, mitch-craft.

I made a wall disappear.

I had a wall right there.

Keep it up.

I'ma make you disappear next.

Oh, like you did your

interest in men? Hm?

You're just mad because I get

more [beep] than you.

Which is pathetic 'cause

I'm married.

[gasps]

[growls]

Why don't you do this at

your house, Wanda?

What? Put a car in my house?

Who does that?

That's the dumbest [beep]

I ever heard.

Okay, you ...G, GTFO!

What does that mean?

It means get the [beep] out!

Right now!

I'ma a deal with you later,

Wanda.

[stomping on stairs]

There better not be no damn car

in my room!

[stomping on stairs]

♪

NICOLE: Oh, my gosh.

[laughs]

So, are you guys excited

or what for your new TV show?

Hey, l-l-l-l-look, to have

to look at each other all day

at work and at home?

BORIS: [laughs, coughs]

I mean, I'm thrilled.

Here's to "Duane and Tisha."

Ah, ah, ah, the show's called

"Tisha and Duane."

No, actually, no, it's gonna

be alphabetical.

The lawyers are still talking

about it.

TISHA: Good luck on that.

So, when are you two gonna

work together again?

Hey, you know...

Right after Boris has

the baby.

TISHA: [laughs]

That's bad.

It's not that bad, okay?

TISHA: Oh, it's bad.

I'm a little bit inflamed,

but...

I'm a little jealous, though.

I wish I had those titties.

Oh, girl, you should see them

in a wet t-shirt.

TISHA: [squeals]

DUANE: [laughing]

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

No, don't...

Really, my baby...

He's just been depressed about

his career lately.

TISHA: Why?

You know, up and down.

I'm not depressed.

NICOLE: And the phone not

ringin'.

It's just a transitional phase.

Oh, thank you.

I keep telling him every

model/actor goes through this.

Yeah, like Duane.

DUANE: Who?

BORIS: Really?

From like 2007 until like...

yesterday.

No, no, no, I retired at

the top of my game like Mike.

Like Mike who, Bivins?

No, 'cause Mike Bivins is

still... [humming]

Will you cool it now?

GIRL: Good evening, sir.

BORIS: Oh, you scared me.

My name is Lola and I'm

a West Side Mentors little

sister.

TISHA: Oh...

May I take your coat?

Let me see your hands.

Did you wash 'em?

Oh, listen!

Don't mind him, Lola.

He's just bein' an old

sauerkraut.

Here you go, baby.

LOLA: Thank you, ma'am.

TISHA: Oh, wow, what...

BORIS: Bring me some cookies.

LOLA: Okay.

Well, what?

Uh...um...

What are you trying to say?

Nothing. But you, uh...

BORIS: Huh?

She just...he's bloated.

Bloated?

DUANE: Just a little bit.

BORIS: Do you know anything

about musculature?

TISHA: Wow.

DUANE: Boy, your stomach's

moving.

♪

Hm, this is cheap [beep].

Oh, there he is.

E, what's happening?

What's up, Nelly?

I'm good, baby. How are you?

I'm good, man. You look good.

I like that jacket.

It's almost as nice as mine.

[laughs]

NELLY: [laughs] Whatever.

KEVIN: All these damn people

in my house and I don't even

know half of them.

It's ridiculous.

Better not be messin' up

my floors.

ERIC: I'm glad I ran into you

'cause I got this proposition

for ya.

NELLY: Look, no more free

concerts, for your wife, man.

ERIC: Oh, no, I feel you

on that.

I'm sick of doin' them, too.

KEVIN: Oh!

Listen, I wanna put some real

money in your pocket. For real.

Do I look like I need money?

ERIC: Man, come on.

Could you use some more?

KEVIN: You gotta be

kidding me.

Look at her.

NELLY: What's your point?

Just meet me at the studio

next week.

Next week?

Next week and don't flake.

KEVIN: Excuse me.

ERIC: All right?

NELLY: The studio.

ERIC: Yeah.

KEVIN: Hey! Jackasses!

None of y'all felt that?

Nobody?

What did--

Nah, don't even talk to me.

Don't worry about it.

Go ahead.

ERIC: Anyway, show up

Thursday.

KEVIN: You have no idea...

[stomping on stairs]

♪

NOAH: Another smartphone!

LOLA: Yes!

NOAH: Who are you?

KEVIN: Who are you?

LOLA: Who are you?

KEVIN: Who are you?

LOLA: Who are you?

Foster kid.

I'm not gonna go back and

forth with you in my house

about who I am.

You're the foster kids,

you little doorstep babies.

Man, get outta here.

10-year-olds don't own houses.

I'd like to put this size 10

in your ass, boy.

Come on, pimp. This is a 10.

That's a 6.

KIDS: [laughing]

That's funny.

You could be doing 6-10

in a minute.

What's in the bag?

What y'all--Hey, girl!

Who's your mother--Grace Jones?

BORIS, have you at least

considered my proposal?

Hm? Mmmmm!

[mouth full of food]

Let me tell you one more time.

I'm not gonna do a chitlin

circle play, all right?

Okay, so you have a problem

with chitlins 'cause it looks

like you're on an all pork diet.

What is this?

It's protein. All protein.

No, there's other items

on this table.

Look at the veggies and there's

a nice little fruit platter

over there.

I gotta feed the muscle

tissue with protein.

Where is it?

There's red muscle fibers

right here.

You better eat it up, Trina.

[laughs]

Oh, my goodness.

Honey, you know you're gonna

have to lose this weight, right?

When this is over.

[dramatically] Boris!

There you are!

You're gonna pay for this.

Hopefully you will be paying

me a commission.

David, so good to see you.

[air kissing]

Oh, this color.

It looks amazing on you.

It's fantastic.

Thank you, I dyed it, myself.

Oh, did you?

It looks fantastic.

DAVID: Thank you.

Let me introduce the two

of you.

This is David Ty-Various

Perrious III and this--

I know who it is.

It's Johnson, my leading man.

Oh, dear, my Johnson's huge!

I'm not gonna do it.

Can we talk about...

Hey! No!

Don't worry, he'll shrink back

down to his normal size.

He just needs to go bust a few

out in the gym.

If wanted Ruben Studdard,

I would have called him.

Look, he is the man.

Yes, I need him.

And you are going to

have him....

I need him!

...and it's gonna be good.

Where'd the damn kids go?

I'm sorry. Excuse me.

Kev, K, man, it's a party.

Why are you not dressed up?

Oh, I'm sorry, Nick.

I didn't want to come dressed

like a damn panda.

Oh, all right.

Congrats on your new show.

What show?

What are you talking about?

"Are Your Clothes Tighter

Than a Fifth Graders?"

Now, look, you like what I did

with the place?

We are sponsoring this charity

event.

It's incredible.

The answer is, Nick,

I think it's annoying.

I think you're intruding.

I want all these people and all

this stuff outta my house.

It's too much, man.

Have an NCredible day.

Oh, hell, yeah, I will.

I want everybody to leave

except them two.

That's the only people

I want to stay. That's it.

Now keep this. Here, take--

[air horn blowing]

Is that a horn?

What kinda horn is that?

If it's headphones, I want

it, Nick.

NCredible Enterprises--

coming to a home near you.

KEVIN HART: Who in the

hell ...o...?

[sighs] You gotta be kidding me.

Come on.

No valet?

Hello, Kevin.

Hey.

We made it, baby.

I see. I see.

Where we park at?

It looks like you already

made up your mind where you're

parking at, JB.

Look, Kevin, not right now.

Come on, man, we just had

a long trip, just finished on

a movie with Larry David,

and we just wanna have a good

time, okay?

You just did a movie

with Larry David?

What did you say he was gonna

do for me?

Kevin, look, man--

You said you was gonna

introduce me to Larry.

The man told me in his own

words, one Black friend

at a time.

JB, it doesn't matter.

You don't want him to meet me.

Why are you trying to keep

Larry from me?

I can't just push you on

the mat, Kevin.

You can just push me on

the mat.

I can't just say, here,

take him, take him!

You can say that.

You choose not to.

No, he told me in

his own words.

Okay. Fine. Whatever, JB.

Where do I park it?

Park this at your house.

This is our house, Kevin.

I'm not talking to you

right now.

What?

Hey, man, this is my wife

you're talking to right now.

You better recognize.

Okay, fine, I apologize

for that.

[remote beeps]

You should apologize.

Okay, JB, this is ridiculous.

There are certain things

I thought I'd never see--

a Black President,

a Chinese point guard,

and a winnenegro.

You always say,

get a room, right?

We got a room. Mmm!

That's right, baby.

JB: [kisses]

We got us a room.

A living room.

JB, I'm not very interested

in watching y'all--

WANDA: Kevin!

JB: Bedroom.

KEVIN: This is stupid.

WANDA: Kevin!

KEVIN: What you guys--

WOMAN: I got them clothes,

okay?

What you guys are doing is

dumb and get...

JB, you're bringing my property

values down.

I'm bringing your property

values up!

CHARMAGNE: I got on the same

outfit that you had on in "Pooty

Tang," Biggie Shorty.

WANDA: I was actin'.

I don't own no clothes.

KEVIN: Okay, what's goin' on?

You come up to the house

like that?

What's the problem?

Your life choices, Kevin.

No. Your little pit bull

won't let me in, Kevin.

Ah! No! This [beep] didn't

just call me a dog.

Okay, listen, give me

a second.

Wanda, Wanda, that is my guest.

A guest?

No, no, no, these people are

guests, Kevin.

This is a skank.

Now get outta here.

No, grandma, it is a racket.

Grandma?

Grandma.

No, no, I'm old school.

No, you're just old. Old.

Get outta here before

we all get a staph infection.

Come here. Come here.

Kevin, I will kick this

[beep] in her neck.

I know you will. Let me talk.

What'd she just say about me?

Charmagne! Shut it down!

Give me a second.

[beep] cancer nails!

Okay, listen, listen--

Kevin.

Wanda, let me handle this.

Give me a second.

Kevin...

I already know.

All right. I'm on probation.

I can't do this.

I don't want you going back.

Give me a second.

Charmagne!

What are you doin'?

What is she doin'?

Listen, listen, first of all,

you won.

That's the first thing. Okay?

High five.

What's the high fivin'

and the smilin', Kevin?

What's all that?

She be thinkin' that she won.

That's all psych.

No, you didn't.

That's why I did that.

I'm fixin' it.

Listen, baby, I'll fix this.

Fix it.

It's gonna take me a...

[heavenly music]

Ebanks, Selita.

Uh...give...give me

a second.

Wanda, I'm about to get this

[beep] outta here right now.

[shrill whistle]

[clears throat]

Baby, give me a second.

Turn around. Just turn around.

What?

Go on.

What are you...

What are you ...vin!

Get your hands off of me!

Get your hands off of her.

Don't do this to her.

What? I'm gonna do that!

I'm not playing.

Drop her off at a corner.

Kevin!

That's crazy that she would

do that.

I get that all the time.

You could have a better life

than this, Kevin, you know

that, right?

Which is why I'm about to

go put my money in Ebanks

right now.

Give me a second.

That's gonna be a small

deposit.

[clears throat]

Hey!

I didn't know you were gonna

be here.

I guess that was one of

Victoria's secrets.

[laughing]

Oh, original.

I've been in love with

Selita Ebanks since before

she had wings and everybody

knows that I love wings.

[chuckling]

I love 'em.

SELITA: Oh. [laughs]

And speaking of panties,

here comes your Ex.

I can throw him out,

if you want me to.

Hey, Selita.

Hi!

How're you doing?

How are you, Nick?

I'm well. You look great.

Oh, well, you know...

SELITA & NICK: [laughing]

Shoulda said it while you

was engaged.

Excuse me?

I didn't say nothin', Nick.

I'm sorry, do you know him?

Yes, I'm sorry.

Are y'all together?

No.

Yes, actually, we are

working on...

I don't know him.

...some conversation.

Oh, I see what's going on

here.

I'ma go back in the house

and let Kevin finish making

a damn fool of himself.

Yeah, 'cause the white suit

was a great choice today.

Oh, really?

Why are you dressed like the kid

from the Cracker Jack box?

You can buy me.

That's good, Nick.

Can you believe him--

interrupting us like that?

SELITA: [laughs]

I'm sorry, um, who are you?

I'm Kevin Ha--

Exactly.

Calm down, hobbit, she's not

here for you.

Okay.

Okay? She's here for Romany.

SELITA: Hey, Romany.

ROMANY: Thanks for comin'.

SELITA: Of course.

What are you doin'?

Damn, these some good wings.

Almost as good as Selita's.

Mitch Romany.

This ain't over. ♪