Original subtitles

FREMANTLEMEDIA FINLAND PRESENTS

A FILM BY LAURI NURKSE

Arto. Practice the choreography with Dad. Kauko.

Sure.

Ready?

Gentlemen, come on in.

Arto and I will shortly perform a welcoming show for you.

One, two, three.

Let's do the butt bump

There's something special in that move

Let's do the butt bump

That's retarded. -Come to the birthday gift circle!

Mr. Buttercookie says, "Come to the birthday gift circle!"

Fagerholm, come to the birthday gift circle.

Rainesalo, listen to Mr. Buttrider.

"I just got out of the mental hospital."

"I enjoy eating my shoes and I think I'm funny."

Fagerholm.

"Guess if Mr. Buttrider's son's voice -

is as annoying as his dad's. There's crap in my pants."

Mr. Buttercookie, tell the boys that there's cake on the table.

Go away.

Guys, eat the cake and let's go.

Let's do the butt bump There's something special...

There are 364 days till your next birthday.

What do you think your dad will come up with for that? -Nothing, I hope.

What did you draw?

ARTO MOM DAD

OFF KEY

We all remember Kauko's strong voice and bear hugs.

I could only come up with one shortcoming.

Arto, time to cry.

Kauko didn't grow as a human being to the point -

where he could've understood how great the band The Clash is.

Bye bye, Kauko.

Don't you get stuck now, dammit.

Get going.-

Bye bye. Say hi to Jesus.

I've an appointment at two o'clock.

I can leave early from work -

so that we can go to the bank and transfer the money.

Arto and I would like to open an account for Kauko's money.

I can handle these things with Arto. Arto.

Marjukka, you don't have to come.

Of course I'm going to the bank with you.

We've been thinking that the whole estate, -

which would one day be Arto's anyway, -

should be given to him now.

I mean, Arto's worried about your competence -

in managing larger properties at this phase in your life.

Mom... Why don't we take care of this first.

Do we really need this drama?

She refused to throw dirt on the urn -

because someone might've touched the shovel with dirty hands.

She also said there's saprotrophic fungi spores -

in the air we might inhale.

You sure have been blessed with a daughter-in-law.

C'mon. Move.

Horrible smell.

Try to make her understand that the smoke travels all the way here.

You're not trying hard enough.

Have fun at the karaoke. See you in court tomorrow.

You're not going anywhere. You're our star.

You gotta sing. -That's right. It'll be fun.

Excuse me, miss.

C'mon. Hey. Finally.

Remember: Nonverbal communication is essential.

The audience should understand that the speaker is an expert -

and has status in the scientific and business world.

Thank you, Mr. Rainesalo, and good morning.

Darkness abounds The birds make no sounds

Children in the city hide when the storm rises

Let's face our fears I can't bring myself to leave

DAD

DELETE CONTACT INFORMATION?

A hundred lightning strikes I see My whole life is exploding

No one can take this love from me Only hope, no foreboding

A hundred suns shine on us

DELETE CONTACT IN FORMATION? CANCEL

I'll take this love to safety And we'll find a new land

Where are you? -At the Pataässä Karaoke Bar.

Jesus. Why? I'll come get you.

No, you won't. I'm here with my colleagues.

The tradition continues, even though your clad isn't here anymore.

Damn good job!

Mom, I don't think you fully realize how upset you are.

Arto, I'm hanging up now. Go to bed.

L 'm going home soon. - Mom.

Arto, come home!

Next up is Duo Legal Confirmation of Possession.

Excuse me.

We're having the Finnish Karaoke Championships in Kotka this summer.

I'm here scouting talent.

Oh my, this on top of everything else.

My son would throw a fit. He's an engineer and wouldn't understand.

Mulkonsaari. Come eat your herring steaks with your fellow colleagues.

Hi.

I read in the paper that Mr. Buttercookie's voice is gone.

Excuse me?

Your dad won't be butt bumping anymore.

Yeah. We buried his urn last week.

Right. You just gotta move on.

We were just talking about the soccer camp -

where Fagerholm pulled his gluteal muscle as a kid.

That must've been a pretty painful trip.

Didn't Mulkonsaari get in the way when you were attacking?

I never went to a soccer camp.

True. He was never at the camps.

Aren't you eating herring?

My wife is the head of toxicology research...

At my summerhouse in Kotka I eat only herring.

That's right. Your summerhouse is in Kotka. -In Kaunissaari.

I sing baritone in the local choir.

Mulkonsaari, where is your summerhouse?

My wife and I are not summerhouse people.

We were thinking of going to Florence this summer.

This summer karaoke singers will be ruining the atmosphere.

Want to come to Kotka to boo at them?

I hate people who hit their dogs and people who sing karaoke.

That idiocy should be illegal.

Remember the guy in HR -

who arranged karaoke equipment for the Christmas party?

That was the last thing he arranged here.

Let's go find fresh new blood for management.

Rainesalo, I just wanted to...

Guys, eat the cake and let's go.

How many open positions are there in management?

Two. One of them will go to Kerminen.

Good luck with your presentation.

The head honchos from the Cologne office will be in the audience.

Can't wait to see his presentation. He can't handle the pressure.

Mulkonsaari, go ahead.

Don't keep the mic so close to your mouth.

Don't keep the mic so close to your mouth.

MEDICAL CENTER

Leena. Okay, let's stop. Immediately.

Tell me the good news first.

Well, -

it's good that you're a lawyer.

I'm sure you've taken care of your will and things of that nature.

I still have one pretty big thing to do.

My son should be freed so that he could enjoy his life.

Right. just try to enjoy your life -

and the company of your loved ones.

That's it. Maybe I'll give him a reason to throw a fit.

FINNISH KARAOKE CHAMPIONSHIPS

This is not real. -Apparently it is.

This is like beer drinking championships.

Or cheating on your spouse championships.

Come with me. The last trip we took together was to Legoland.

It would be nice to have a real conversation with you.

Arto, please. Listen.

Every time I sing, I see your dad.

I think the championships could help me to let go.

Okay. I'll hitchhike then, like I used to when I was young.

There are a lot of Russian trucks going that way. Davai.

MARjUKKA: COME HOME. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE BABY.

I'll take you there.

Alright. And I'll also come get you. How long is the drive?

Less than two hours with a coffee break.

Oh gosh, it's going to be a fun trip.

Was this all the chicken we had? -Yes.

They're going to choose two new members for management.

That's great.

We're almost on schedule.

When will they confirm your new position?

I'm pretty sure the position will be mine.

Your mom had a medical examination today.

I wonder if she got the results already.

Oh? She hasn't mentioned anything to me.

No. Jesus. The championships are in Kotka.

You mentioned that already. -Marjukka, it's those championships.

If Rainesalo and Fagerholm are there booing at singers -

and they recognize my mom, -

I'll never get the new position.

They've fired people before because of karaoke.

If you don't want to declare your mom incompetent...

My mom is a respected practicing lawyer, for heaven's sake.

Arto Mulkonsaari.

I feel really bad when you yell at me -

especially now that I'll be ovulating in a couple of days.

I'm sorry, darling. I didn't yell at you, did I?

You committed to our five-year plan when we got married.

Are you going to terminate the contract unilaterally? -Oh no.

I'm committed to the plan. - Then find a way -

to stop your mom from ruining our future.

Good night, darling. -Good night, darling.

Find a way...

You drive really slow.

Has Marjukka set your speed limit to 50 kilometers per hour?

It'll probably be best to play it safe at the start.

I'll pick one of the karaoke classics -

and do my interpretation of it.

Let's listen to the news.

First we have a public warning.

There's a serious truck accident near Vaalimaa.

Explosive nitrogen sludge has spread as far as Kotka.

Drivers are urged to avoid all roads leading to Kotka.

Oh my Lord. Wow. I guess we have to turn back.

Now let's listen to some music from Holland.

Gerard Joling sings about his pet lizard...

Nitrogen sludge? That's cow shit. It's not explosive.

You should've come up with something better.

Shoot! Darn!

I think our trip ends here. -Did a satellite crash into Kotka?

I accidentally put gas in the diesel tank. The engine must be broken.

You can still suck it out.

Gas stations today have no service anymore.

Take your lunchbox to the other meter.

I just put gas into my diesel tank.

Hey!

Hey! Hey, dude. You filled the tank up with gas?

Yeah.

Okay, let me take care of it.

Hey. No. My mom's in the car.

Hello, Mrs. Mom. May I ask you to step outside for a moment?

Oh, that's how you open it. That's good to know.

How come there's so little gas coming out?

Does the tank need to be cleaned?

You're welcome.

Mrs. Mom can go have coffee -

while your son puts the cap back.

You realize that you're going to embarrass yourself? -So what?

We're not the type of people who do crazy things.

We're rational. Embarrassing oneself publicly is not rational.

You know lawyers can lose their credibility -

because of these kinds of stupid publicity stunts.

Your dad liked to do crazy things.

Well, no one ever took him seriously.

I've even considered changing my last name.

With all motherly love, you've become quite an asshole.

Look! Our sweet mechanic is in trouble!

She has a flat fire. And we have her 'yack.

I was wrong. You've become a real asshole.

Oh, I'm so sorry for being the way I am.

Being nice and goofing off will get you nowhere. That's the truth.

FINNISH KARAOKE CHAMPIONSHIPS 2015

THE KYMENLAAKSO CHOIR

That's good.

I gotta slow down. They might dance in front of my car.

And here we have a Latino in charge.

Sexy!

I don't care. The tryouts already started. I'm late.

The 200 euros I paid -

was worth seeing a local gas station and stealing a jack.

What 200 euros? -The participation fee.

Participation fee? 200 euros?

In force majeure events like these, the Consumer Disputes Board -

advises returning the fee.

The situation is that we don't have...

Why don't we take a look at your rules?

Just forget it. It doesn't matter.

It was money well spent.

200 euros does matter.

From your point of view, it was well spent.

Just because a person is from Helsinki doesn't mean -

that she's rich and wants to throw money around.

Welcome to the tryouts of the Finnish Karaoke Championships.

If you don't have a contestant number yet, -

hurry over to Jenni, our contestant coordinator, -

to get your registration form.

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

Our head judge was late, so we're starting late.

If you're over 16, welcome.

Please fill in this form. -Alright.

Hi. This is Jamissa Luukkonen. She's over 18.

Hi, it's Mulkonsaari. Is this the Rainesalo residence?

I called you because I was too busy at work -

to wish you a fun summer vacation.

So have a fun vacation. And...

What's up? Where are you?

There's nobody here.

There's no audience.

Is everyone at the Karaoke Championships?

I work hard every day Seven every morning, I'm on my way

I work hard just because

You're mine and, darling, I'm yours

He's pretty good.

Like I said, the level is pretty high.

There's no shame in backing out.

It'll be wonderful to sing in such talented company.

These people aren't your regular drunks.

Thank you, everyone.

That was great. Thank you. That was contestant number...

I have to make a call. - I'm up soon.

...Veikko "Veke" Hirvonen!

I made sure that Rainesalo and Fagerholm are not here booing.

Rainesalo was apparently at choir practice -

and Fagerholm was at his summerhouse drunk.

When are you coming home? - Before midnight, I think.

I have to let mom sing her song -

so that she gets her money's worth.

Excuse me. I'm getting pregnant this month -

and hope I don't have to file a police report on your smoking.

If I miscarry, you might be charged with negligent homicide.

My mother-in-law is a lawyer. -What are you talking about?

Are you only interested in your mom?

Cut your umbilical cord before we have one growing inside me.

I want you home no later than 2 a.m. I have my sleep routine.

Okay. -Bye bye, darling.

Bye. Darling.

I'm a woman fully grown

Where I'm going I certainly know

Let our union become as strong as stone

There 'll be no farewell Our journey started so well

There may be difficulties as we walk along

Our happiness is a wall that protects us

This love makes us strong

Our happiness is a bottomless pit There's nothing that can stop it

Take it all, I don't care I'm happy when you're near

I don't want to take your liberty

I want you to live free

I need you A soulmate for a grown woman

We'll share it all We 'll catch each other if we fall

A grown woman knows the value of love

That was great.

That was the 17th rendition of "Grown Woman" tonight.

That's enough. Let's go.

There's singing and then there's singing.

C'mon.

I'd welcome many of these singers to our choir.

What's the name of your choir? -The Kymenlaakso Choir.

Are all the members here? -No, it's just us.

Pirinen, see you at the market place café, at one o'clock tomorrow.

See you.

You want something to drink?

I'd love to, after the coffee.

My father passed away two weeks ago.

My condolences.

Ladies and gentlemen, the time has come -

to introduce our prestigious jury.

First we have cultural manager Eija Alanko.

Eija is responsible for arranging -

a lengthy studio recording session for the winner -

and a gift certificate to a dry cleaner's.

Next, we have theater director Erik Pöppönen.

Last but not least, -

we have an international star, Kotka's very own -

Susanna Salminen!

Susanna has sung opera both in Milan and New York.

She has appeared in musicals in London -

and performed in Kaija Saariaho's works.

Ladies and gentlemen, she's here tonight.

Thank you.

I'd like to thank you on Susanna's behalf for the warm words.

I have a few warm words to share with her backstage.

It's time to move on in this contest.

I'd like to give a few words of advice to the older ladies.

I'd like to see you use your imagination -

when you pick the songs. You don't always have to sing "Grown Woman," -

even though you've been grown women for, like, ever.

Pöppönen, dammit. Do you even know what a grown woman is?

You're so slick you make me sick.

Don't. The kid from the theater is partially right.

We menopause sopranos and Alzheimer's altos -

could use a little imagination.

We could sing classics from the 1950s. Right, girls?

I'm actually a theater director -

and just wanted to give friendly advice.

It's time to announce the singers who made it to the next round. Thank you.

The following contestants have made it to the next round.

8-

17.

19.

69. -Thank you.

72.

23.

70.

I only work with her.

Does your wife know that cardiac massage is part of your job now?

Don't stick your nose in my marriage. -Hi. Hi.

Great singing. I'm sure it's a nice hobby.

The situation is this:

you should change the list of people who've made it to the second round.

Who the hell are you?

Arto Mulkonsaari, chemical engineer. -Mulkonsaari...

My mom Leena Mulkonsaari -

doesn't really want to be in the contest.

She was kind of forced to participate by a family friend.

He's a pastor who thinks he's a punk rocker.

We're not going to make any changes.

She can leave if she wants to. This is no karaoke prison.

I've heard that people working in the cultural sector -

depend on social grants.

200 euros.

Wouldn't you like to buy something nice for yourselves or your spouses?

What's going on here? -An attempt to bribe the judges.

Right. I'm looking for the roulette table.

Does anybody know where the roulette table is?

I'm happy I managed to free Arto from the anaconda's hold.

With all due respect for my clear daughter-in-law.

I miss you so much.

I miss you too, Laughable Lawyer.

Your "Grown Woman" was the best. -Right.

I must select a new singing niche.

I have to segment my target audience, as Arto would say.

Sing to him, the way you sang to him when he was little.

He won't listen. "Mom, don't sing."

He's been saying it since 1988.

Mom, I'll cancel these rooms. We're going home.

No, we're not. I'm staying till the end.

No, we're going home. You can watch the contest online.

YouTube is full of amateur singing.

I don't want to sit in the car at night.

You can sleep.

My neck and shoulders will hurt. I might get sciatica -

or a blood clot in my leg. I'm not young anymore.

Fine. We'll wake up early and leave.

You're always in a hurry. You never had time -

to build houses in the woods with me even when you were a kid.

Why don't we go play mini golf tomorrow.

Wait till you're retired and have grandkids.

You can build houses in the woods with them. -I doubt it.

Mom.

Marjukka has talked about scheduling your visits to see grandkids.

We'll leave right after breakfast.

I made it to the second round. I don't want to give up now.

I don't want to give up my future. Get it?

If Rainesalo and Fagerholm see how you sing, -

I won't get the management position. I might lose my job.

No, I didn't get that I sing so badly.

LEENA'S SONGS

1 THE SOUTHWEST WIND ("MOM, DON'T SING.")

2 GROWN WOMAN (JUDGE WON'T LIKE IT)

Quails and swallows rise on the back of the southwest wind

Across borders the wind flies Carrying cheerful melodies within

Mom, don't sing.

My girlfriend's really upset that she didn't make it through.

She invested a lot in this.

I understand that it'll be nicer for you two to go home.

Here's your receipt. Good luck with next year's competition.

How can I help you? -Where will breakfast be served?

In the restaurant starting at 8:30. -Thank you.

You sang beautifully.

I'd like to know if it's still possible to...

I understand that it might not. And that's okay.

Would you possibly have -

two rooms available for tomorrow?

Yes, we've had a couple of cancellations from contestants -

who didn't make it through. -I see.

They're also available the clay after tomorrow.

You want one or two extra nights?

MARjUKKA: YOU'RE RUINING MY OVULATION! COME HOME!

Sure. Two nights.

Good morning.

I booked two extra nights. We'll stay till the end.

But you were...

I can make an exception. For humanistic reasons.

But here are the rules: you'll follow my training program -

and won't accept drinks from strange men.

Weren't you in a hurry to go home to Marjukka? -No.

There's nothing that can't wait a month.

Alright. Let's start.

Create a positive first impression. Nonverbal communication is essential.

Look at people in the back, middle and front, -

left and right. And relax.

Don't singers usually relax by drinking?

Clear alcohol, clear voice.

Remember what happened to Whitney Houston.

"If your voice is strained, -

you should decrease volume, or try the following exercise."

Don't shake me when I'm reading this.

Then this exercise.

Hi. -Hi. How are you?

Are these sauna hats?

No. Do they look like them?

Excuse me. Are you, by any chance, in the beauty or fashion industry?

In a way. I'm a textile handicraft teacher.

The thing is that I need your help, Ma'am.

Hi. How you doing, buddy? -I'm okay.

Hi. Your name is Pirinen, right? -Yes.

Are you Leena Mulkonsaari? -Yes.

Costume designer.

Voice coach.

Choreographer.

MARjUKKA: WHEN ARE YOU COMING?? I'M OVULATING!!

ARTO: I CAN'T MAKE IT TODAY. TRY TO KEEP IT GOING.

No...

Mulkonsaari.

Oh hi.

Are you playing bus driver?

No. The wind got hold of my money.

And blew it here. I'm going over there. To buy ice-cream.

To celebrate the start of my vacation.

Isn't Florence a bit further south?

Right.

I remembered you guys talking -

about summerhouses and fishing, -

so I suggested to my wife that we should find out -

if being at a summerhouse was a good -

recreational method.

You picked the worst possible moment.

Those damn pests have ruined the idyllic atmosphere here.

You're not coming... going -

to see the contest? Too boo at people.

No way I'm spending my vacation doing that.

Didn't your family have karaoke equipment in the '80s?

No. -Yes, you did.

No, we didn't.

My mother is a lawyer and loves opera.

You did.

No, we didn't. -Yes, you did.

No, we didn't. -Yes, you did.

Damn gross.

Alright then. Take the bus to the garage.

Yoo-hoo! Now we'll make your voice flow.

I brought you throat pastilles, fruit -

and vitamin drinks.

Did you feel alone as a child?

No. Of course not.

I was in the IT Scout Group and chess club -

and summers I was at science camp.

That's right. -I'm glad I did.

I have a lot of good memories of programming, differentiating -

and Botvinnik-Slav chess openings. I sure do.

And Kauko and I just sang and danced.

We should've kept a closer eye on you.

Did you give the jack back? I don't want it to affect my points.

Here we go. A cup of coffee and a jack.

I might want jam on my jack.

Or maybe a jam filling?

A jack with a jam filling.

Isn't it delicious?

We had a cup of coffee -

and then joked about eating the jack with jam on top.

We laughed so hard.

I think it's interesting -

that you canceled our plans with a rude text message.

And then you don't answer your phone.

This Veikko "Veke" -

is very... pleasant to be around. And very different from you.

Or me. We don't really know people like him.

Darling, you don't sound like yourself. You sound hyper.

Take half a sleeping pill and go to bed immediately.- Okay.

Head home first thing in the morning -

so that we can stay on the baby-making schedule.

Okay. I'll take the pill right away.

And then water. -Then water.

Goodnight, darling.

Goodnight.

Arto, did you forget something?

Darling.

That was amazing.

That was contestant number 23, Miranda.

Let's see what our judges think of her performance.

Let's start with Eija. 5, 6, 7, 8... 9 points.

Nine points. Thank you, Eija.

Then it's Erik's turn.

Also 9 points.

6-

Let's see what our head judge thinks.

It's rising. It's rising. 9 points!

Yay! Amazing. Congratulations, Miranda.

Let's welcome contestant number 72 onstage.

This next song has some naughty lyrics.

Leena will sing "An Old Woman Out of Control."

Come on up, Leena.

I wake up in a strange house

It would be hard

To tell that man sleeping next to me

That I'm married

It would be hard to explain

That my marriage is withering

Forty years between the sheets with the same man

I lost my womanhood, way back when

I just wanted you to find it again

I thought about'... - Everybody sing along!

I already wanted you on the way here, it's true

I took a conscious risk when I strayed

I was an old woman out of control

I was an old woman out of control

Stop the music. Thank you.

This is a contest for soloists.

The main idea is to sing solo.

I suggest that contestant number 72 -

be disqualified -

clue to using dishonest means and breaking the rules.

Pöppönen, shove your rules... -I didn't see anything forbidden.

Rules are rules. - Rules are rules. Que pasa?

Where's my rules addict when I need him?

Pöppönen, show us the rule.

You working-class people -

never respect any rules anyway.

All you ever do is create more rules. -Rules are made to be followed.

Does anybody have the rules? -I do!

Why don't I continue, since I seem to be the only person -

who has read the rules through and through.

There's no mention of -

the audience singing along. No mention whatsoever.

Then I suppose it's permitted.

And as far as I understand, these rules don't apply to the audience.

And a performing artist can't stop the audience from singing along -

if the audience decides to do so.

I think there should always be morals and equality in a competition.

Isn't that what this is all about?

Erik, how do you apply morals and equality -

when you cast female actors in your theater?

"1 WAS TOO OLD FOR PÖPPÖNEN'S LADY MACBETH."

In that case I, of course...

This case...

Could we discuss that later in private?

Yes, if you stop with the silly disqualification crap. -Sure.

Here you are.

Erik must be thinking of-

the Stand-Up Championships rule on agitating the audience.

Good job, Arto. Let's move one.

I want to love you tender

You're like a flower in all your splendor

I could never cause you any pain

You want to love me tender

That's what you say and want me to surrender

I was wearing a woolen hat

And speedos, corduroy pants and rubber boots

When we met

Yala yalla yala yala we y

A cricket picked this teeth with a rake

Meninas bonitas Tonight, yeah

It doesn't matter where we are We're gonna party there

I feel so blue

Whenever I think of you

I lost something beautiful when I lost you

That woman is such a nice person...

They're not competing in niceness.

They're competing in performance competence.

Funny you should say that.

Now we have the ten finalists. -That's right.

Susanna. Susanna.

You have nothing in common with that stiff engineer.

He drives an SUV.

But I drive a Mini Cooper. That's culture.

Why the hell do you drive a Mini Cooper? You have a family.

My family means nothing to me.

I see something in you that others don't.

We're both cultured people. Susanna.

I want to thank all our finalists.

And tomorrow one of you will be the Finnish Karaoke Champion.

I thank you all and wish you a nice rest of the evening.

Good luck in the finals.

You should be in the finals.

I would've wanted to. But I'll be there in spirit.

Great performance, Leena. I loved watching you.

Thank you.

You did great. Again next year.

Sure.

You did a good job.

Thank you.

Let's go to Sapokka!

Let's go as we discussed.

Sapokka? Mom, where...

They're going to sing karaoke in a park.

It was Porakka's idea. He's a cop.

Can I buy you a drink?

I want to thank you for taking care of Pöppönen.

Yes, it's okay.

I haven't drank these in years.

My wi... My wi... My wine tasting club -

friends always lecture me about the aspartame and sugar in these.

What do you do for a living? -I'm a chemical engineer.

How did you become one?

Did you ever think you'd become a lawyer like your mom?

Well... I don't really like public speaking.

And no presentation skills courses will help in my case.

It would be nice, also at work, -

not to be so nervous and afraid in front of an audience.

Have you ever tried getting really drunk? -No.

Good.

I once took ecstasy before getting onstage in London.

What? -Yeah.

I thought I'd taken a painkiller.

There were all kinds of pills backstage.

But it was a molly. -Right.

Composer Kaija Saariaho wasn't thrilled -

about my quirky interpretation, but I thought -

I was free and relaxed and full of primitive power.

I just sang without thinking about it.

I didn't worry about screwing up.

It was wonderful.

Sometimes you just have to do crazy things.

You want another drink? It's on me. -Sure.

The sky is blue and white

And full of stars

My young heart is...

If we see a copper

In the back alleys... - What the hell?

Goddammit.

We 're down and out

We live on the wrong side of the tracks

I'm sorry, -

but I have to interrupt this cacophony.

Traditionally this stage has been reserved -

for our summer cantata shows.

You could go to a disco.

You'll find one near the harbor.

What? -Can we keep the lights on?

Of course. I want to see us in the mirror. -Sure.

We have to do something drastic. These people aren't going anywhere.

You can't fight here.

What? You came here to fight?

Beat them with your sheet music!

Stop! Stop that immediately!

No answer.

I'd like to have a room then.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Oh shit.

Great. Good job, Arto.

Good job, Arto.

Perfect. Perfect.

Arto. Yes, Mulkonsaari.

Yes, I know my last name sounds funny.

What? The police?

GROUP FIGHT IN SAPOKKA

That was a very unpleasant way to wake up. You women cause trouble.

The police called me. And I have to take care of...

I've been sitting here all night. According to Finnish law...

Arto, what is it? -just a moment.

Mulkonsaari. -Hi.

You know these karaoke idiots? -Oh no.

I'm here to file a report... My phone was stolen.

And then immediately found. -Sucks having to go through that.

Let's keep this between us, you know, us meeting here.

Sure. I wouldn't...

We'll discuss the sewage project -

and management positions later.

No. You can't go in there.

The cleaning lady just went in.

She said it'll take at least 15 minutes.

There's a sewage problem.

Oh, you've been plowing the fields.

Plowing.

I've had enough.

Now we're going home. You resisted an officer.

I bumped into Rainesalo.

There's been acts of adultery and soda drinking.

Who committed adultery?

I'm sure many people did in a bacchanal like this.

It wasn't that long ago when adultery was a real crime.

I don't understand what's going on.

I want to go home to clear my head. -Okay.

But shouldn't we wait until that love bite has faded?

What? -You have a hickey on your neck.

No. No, Mom. -Yes, it is.

No. -It is a hickey.

I'll see you here in a minute. I'll go pack my bag.

There sure was some erotic action in the judge's room last night.

You mean the singer? -Yeah. The bed was broken.

Hi. You didn't come for breakfast.

No. I'd like to apologize.

For not coming to breakfast? Come on in. -No. No.

I want to apologize for last night.

They won't charge for the bed.

They can't prove it broke because we were humping on it.

I don't know what got into me last night.

I've never had a conversation like the one I had with you.

Things kind of got out of hand.

You don't have to explain.

We're two single adults. It's okay to have fun, and we did.

I've never clone anything like this.

I've had a good life and I'm a decent person.

I don't do things like this.

Well, that sounds a bit boring.

And you're not boring.

Not at all.

Let's make a deal. If we meet again, -

we'll overdose on soda and break another bed.

Deal.

You know I can't stand yelling like that. Where have you been?

Here. -I've called you a number of times.

I was asleep. It's the sea air.

It makes me sleep so well. -We have sea air at home.

It's different here. What are you doing here?

I couldn't wait to see you.

Marjukka, darling.

The peak was yesterday, -

but we can still try. -Yeah.

Let's give our baby a chance.

Hi. -Hi.

Look. You know what this is?

Probably an allergic reaction -

to bedbugs.

From sleeping in a dirty bed, no doubt.

Tomorrow night you'll be in my room. Grab your bag.

We'll go buy you a polo shirt.

I guess I'll always be singing songs by the duo Matti and Teppo.

They know the soul of the Finnish man.

And like me, they come from a seaside town.

Tonight I'll sing "Where Have You Been?"

Leena, are you okay?

Oh yes. I just have heartburn. Thanks for the coffee.

This is toxic. The clay the music died.

Arto's permafrosted wife -

will freeze the sea in Sapokka.

I'd like to invite all our finalists onstage -

so that everybody can see you.

Excuse me.

Our finalist Jari Lahtinen sends his apologies, -

saying that unfortunately he will not be able to sing tonight.

One of the local choir members

sat on him last night and broke his ribs.

I hope Jari will be well soon.

Thank you. You know what?

Since Jari can't sing here tonight, -

I'd like to welcome contestant number 72 onstage.

Leena Mulkonsaari!

Yes, it's you. Come and join the other finalists. Congratulations.

I'm away from home a lot I can't help it

Someone 3 gotta do the work! do

You know I only get angry

When I have a good reason to

When I came home today

The main thing wasn't there

When there's no food on the table

A man's a thing to fear

Where have you been? I just want to ask

Is my work the problem? Are you throwing our happiness away?

I have to go to the toilet. To the men's room.

How have you been, Leena?

You're one persistent girl. But so am I.

Then there's a boy who you don't understand at all.

Although I'm not sure if I do, either.

Kauko, please.

The men's room.

The men's room. The men's.

What kind of a man am I?

Shit. Shit. The men's room.

What kind of a man am I?

Mom, this is the men's room. -I know.

I could hear your show all the way from the lobby.

Arto, this was our most prized possession, along with a home video.

Seriously. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That and the home video from your birthday party -

are the first two things we would've saved from a fire.

If Marjukka saw this, she'd put me in a mental hospital.

She's a persistent girl who understands nothing.

At times your clad wished you were gay. -C'mon.

We might've gotten a drag queen son-in-law.

Mom, stop. -With love.

I've handled adoptions for many gay couples pro bono. -I know that.

You've always handled things for some whiny losers.

You've been a mother to the whole world.

I've had to do everything on my own since I was a kid.

I had to find the chess club, even though I didn't know how to read.

And you stopped singing to me at bedtime. You just stopped.

You said, "Mom, don't sing." You didn't want me to sing.

Your songs were so sad. I had anxiety.

You sang about orphan ducklings, lovers dying from worry, -

a new bride dying and young men working in horrible conditions.

I didn't realize that you were so sensitive. -That's right.

And you didn't say anything when I brought Marjukka home.

You and dad just laughed at her behind our backs.

Your clad and I have always been... -Yes, you have!

You've always been. You always will be, even though one of you is dead.

Do I have to die to get into your inner circle?

For God's sake! Having fun doesn't mean you have an inner circle.

Yes, it does!

Sometimes laughter can be very cold and mean.

That kind of laughter makes you feel all alone.

I am the way I am because I had to be like this.

I don't laugh. I don't chitchat or perform publicly.

But, for fuck's sake, I remain standing.

I used to sing to my son at bedtime when he was little.

The boy grew and didn't want his mom to sing anymore.

What took you so long? -I downed a vodka and coke.

But now I have the contest organizers' permission to sing, -

and my son wouldn't dare run away.

Arto, for once you can be Mom and Dad's happy little boy.

This song isn't sad.

The southwest wind has lullabies To whom does it sing?

Perhaps for you if you have laughing ears and eyes of a child

Quails and swallows rise on the back of the southwest wind

Across borders the wind flies Carrying cheerful melodies within

The wind has long blue hair and a mustache like a sunshine wreath

It carries cinnamon flowers Its wings are made of fluffy clouds

Seeing dirty cities makes the southwest wind cry

Unhappy people and hungry children, that's the reason why

The southwest wind laughs whenever it sees joy

It laughs when you find a friend, a girl dragon or a human boy

Quails and swallows rise on the back of the southwest wind

Across borders the wind flies Carrying cheerful melodies within

No use crying yet.

Leena might have a few years left if she gets a heart transplant.

But they give them to younger people first.

What the hell are you talking about? -What?

You haven't told me! -I have.

You haven't, so take a hike. By yourself.

You're not a man who can live alone.

I'm not a man! I'm a happy little boy.

Vodka and coke really doesn't agree with you.

Marjukka, from now on I'm going to be who I really am.

I don't want this, this kind of life.

I don't want the life of a chemical engineer -

or nice neighborhoods.

I want to eat meat pies from the hot dog stand. And donuts.

I want to have unplanned sex. Can we have unplanned sex?

I want to shout when I bang you! I want to shout when I bang you!

Arto, I understand.

I've suspected for a long time that our relationship is inequal -

when it comes to emotional stability and the genetics of intelligence.

I see.

But everything's okay. See you at home.

We'll be dividing assets.

This was it.

Alright.

Excuse me, do you have any extra pillows?

Guess what? I've got the results here.

You want to know who the next Finnish Karaoke Champion is?

You want to know?

The finals are on. -I know!

Alright. And then...

Wait. Wait.

I'd like to sing this.

Excuse me.

Hi, my name is Arto. I used to be that happy little boy.

I'd like to sing if it's still possible.

Let the boy sing.

I guess it's okay. Go ahead, boy.

I want to sing a song -

that's probably meaningful to the most important woman in my life.

And to a woman with whom -

I enjoyed a cup of coffee and a jack at the Kotka Market Square.

I want to thank you both.

This trip has rocked my world.

Oh shit.

Here we go.

Beautiful women were all I could see

Were you a charmer just like me?

What's done is done Those memories won't last

This burning love makes me forget the past

Let's do the butt bump

There's something special in that move

Let's do the butt bump

It gives me hot chills I love the groove

A little play brings joy to your day I'm sure you want to dance like me

Let's do the butt bump, there's something special in that move

Leena, get up. Leena. What's wrong?

Your dad liked to do crazy things.

Well, no one ever took him seriously.

I've even considered changing my last name.

With all motherly love, you've become quite an asshole.

Behind the grave is a woman whose love is so sweet

A woman whose love can't be beat

I'll tell it to every human Behind the grave there's a woman

Don't get offended, Kauko. I just think that your wife is a fine woman.

Hi. -Oh hi. How are you, buddy?

Divorced.

And now... I'm hungry.

Last summer was rainy My boyfriend left me

My boss told me, "This will be your last day."

I thought things couldn't get any worse

But I was wrong

Send me the video by e-mail. Can you give me my laptop?

You want me to send it to Susanna, too?

Sure.

We won't let our international star forget karaoke.

Write: Soda overdose next summer. Arto says hi.

Soda overdose?

Soda overdose.

Have you become your dad?

If you screw up in front of our Spanish guests, -

I won't be able to keep you afloat anymore.

Mulkonsaari, don't suck the mic.

Fagerholm, why don't you shut up.

My boss told me, "This will be your last day."

The position is yours. Interested in running the international department?

No. Thanks but no thanks.

Gracias por nada and all.

Rainesalo and Fagerholm, I'll never invite you to my birthday party.

Mr. Buttercookie says hi. He thinks you're a pair of total assholes.

FINNISH KARAOKE CHAMPIONSHIPS 2016

Thank you, the Kymenlaakso Choir.

Next I want to introduce our judges.

The new director of the Kotka Theater: Eija Alanko.

Last year's winner, our very own Justin Timberlake, -

Veikko "Veke" Hirvonen!

Then we have a man -

who's barefoot -

and loves Kotka.

From last year we also remember his mother, -

Leena, who blew us away with her performance.

Arto "Butt Bump" Mulkonsaari.

Then we'll take a short break.

After this we'll go eat herring steaks at Restaurant Kairo. -Sure.

The lady over there sent this.

I see. We can have the herring steaks a little later.

I'll try not to break the bed tonight.

Can you dog-sh Fret“?

Your mother would say you're a shameless boy. She'd be happy.

Can I give Fredi herring? -Sure.

Hi. -Hi.

Hello.

So, do you remember what you promised me last summer?

I remember what I made you promise.

Thank you!

Translated by Aretta Vähälä Proofread by Rich Lyons