Original subtitles

Damn!

Blast the hatch! Now!

That experiment must not get off this ship!

Oh, hi.

Bye.

Oh, I gotta pass this test. I gotta get an A.

We interrupt this program for a KING news flash.

Authorities at the Crestridge Institute for the criminally insane...

...have requested an all-points bullet--

He's so dreamy.

Oh, he's just the most.

Who?

Ray?

They broke up.

Oh, come on, Muffy. The guy's a cop. He has no future.

I mean, wake up and smell the coffee, Muffy.

What?

Well, Pam told me, who else?

Sure, she's right here next to me. We are roommates, you know.

What? Where?

No, that was Friday night.

You're such a gomer sometimes.

Did you see Plan 9 from Outer Space?

Star light, star bright, first star I....

Say, which one is the brightest star?

Hey, haven't you kids heard the radio?

There's some nutbar on the loose, so I sugg--

Pam?

Hello, Ray.

Just go home, will you?

Just go home.

You know that cop?

He's just someone from my past.

What about the brightest star, anyway?

Neato!

I vote for that one.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

Come on, cool out, will you?

I'm telling you, it went down right over there.

Oh, no, Johnny. This place gives me the creeps.

Johnny?

You stay here.

You're kidding, right?

Another update from the KING newsroom.

Police continue the search for a 35-year-old escapee...

...from the Crestridge Mental Institute, who, officials confirm...

...killed four orderlies in a brutal spree early tonight.

Crestridge police warn the man is armed with a large fire ax...

...and is believed to be moving west on Route 66...

...toward the Corman University area.

Johnny?

Johnny.

Can we go back to the point now?

I'll even let you fondle my breasts.

Johnny.

I'm getting lonely out here by myself.

Johnny.

Johnny.

I'm depressed.

Oh, will you cheer up?

Come on, this is college life.

You know, toilet paper in the trees, spring is in the air...

...a couple of bitchen guys on the prowl for major league babes.

Face it, J.C., we're dorks. We're lameoids.

My grandparents have sex more than we do.

Well, granted, but you talk like that's a negative thing.

Good point. I feel a lot better.

Good, so do I.

J.C., do me a favor.

Anything, dude. You got it, you know it.

Don't try and cheer me up.

Look, Chris, when you're depressed, I'm depressed.

And I don't like being depressed. It's, well, you know--

- Depressing? - Depressing, yeah.

So do me a favor, okay, bud? Cut out this being depressed shit.

Chris, this is me talking here. I'm your bud. I love you.

We have a bond, a warmth, a communication.

Who's that?

- Who's what? - Her. The vision.

- The angel, the goddess. - The one with the hogans?

Yeah, who is she?

I think that's the Morton Salt girl.

How the hell should I know?

Hey, you, honey. Toots, yo.

Yeah, what's your name?

J.C., remind me to kill you sometime.

Kill me sometime, huh?

Great.

Now what do I do?

Well, you could always just stand here like an idiot and not do anything.

Kidding, joke, levity, humor.

Shit. She's going in the Beta house.

Oh, that bitch.

I hate the Betas.

Look, do you wanna meet her or what?

I wanna marry her.

I hate to break this to you, bud.

It's gonna be quite a blow, but you have to meet her first.

I know it's a hassle, but hey, I don't make up the rules, pal.

Bingo.

- Where? - One o'clock.

Great. She's with a guy.

Yeah, but look at him. I mean, the guy's a bozo.

He's the missing link.

Chris, the man has one continuous eyebrow.

Yeah, well, he's also got her.

It's all positive thinking.

Now, watch this. J.C.'s going in for the main event.

Final countdown, third and 10.

This is gonna be beautiful. You'll love this.

So are you gonna come to the game with me sometime?

- Maybe. - Sure, it'd be great.

Sit on the bench and watch them play, it'd be great.

Love to have you there.

Sounds like fun.

Yeah.

Tiger.

Excuse me, what's his name?

Steve.

Steve, bud, how's it going?

I think there was a telephone call for you inside.

Thanks, dude.

Later, Cindy.

- Bye. - No problem.

Cindy. Cindy what?

There isn't really a phone call for him, is there?

Cynthia, my time is limited.

Much like the intellect of Steve.

You see that attractive gentleman over there...

...by the ale dispenser?

Well, I'm his agent, and it is vital that I obtain this information.

You see, the fate of the entire free world hangs in the balance.

Cynthia Cronenberg.

- And why didn't he ask me himself? - Tell him that.

- I would. - But you have a boyfriend?

Hey, you're cruising, man.

There was no call for me.

Silly me, I don't understand how that could've happened.

What was your name again? Chad?

Biff? Riff?

Steve. And I don't think you're very funny.

Don't tell me.

About as funny as a crutch?

Get it?

Give me. Talk, squeal, spill the beans.

Chill out. All right.

Okay, she knows her name for starters.

Which for a sorority girl is pretty impressive.

Cut to the chase.

Does she have a boyfriend?

She didn't say, but I don't think so.

This is it.

I think--

I think I can possibly be in love here.

You realize there's one way this girl is ever gonna take you seriously.

Right.

If I belong to a frat.

Preferably this one.

I was thinking more along the lines of talking to her.

J.C.

Bud, you're so naive.

Yeah.

Now, let me get this straight.

You guys wanna pledge the Betas?

That's right.

Well, now...

...what makes you guys think you're Beta material?

I mean, we've pretty much found...

...most of the guys we need to fill the roster this semester.

You'd have to have something special to offer.

How about money? Moolah, dough.

The old green stuff, fun ticket.

Cabbage, the old dollar sign.

Come on, killer-roo.

I'm talking about the dinars, yens, rupee--

Quiet already.

Gentlemen...

...the brothers and I can't make any promises at this point.

But I do have a proposal.

If you guys were willing to perform...

...a little act of devotion...

...some task that would prove the sincerity of your feelings...

...toward this organization.

We don't have to have sex with a farm animal, do we?

Interesting suggestion, but no.

We had something...

...a little more challenging in mind.

Look, at least we don't have to have sex with a farm animal.

Hey, you might like it. You wouldn't want Cynthia anymore.

- That's not funny. - Really, I'm serious.

Shut up.

Brother Brad, if these guys pull this off...

...are we really gonna let them in?

Get serious.

Babe, where you been?

Oh, rush stuff.

Goddamn it.

Great, I know that number.

Rudy. Hi, how you doing?

Listen, I can't remember that last digit to the stupid security card.

Well, you need the digit to get in the door.

Rudy, just, could you look for it? I think it's in my notebook.

Yeah.

Yeah, on the desk, yeah. I'll wait.

Appreciate it, Rudy.

Why can't they just have a sign?

Oh, a sign? That's good.

What do you want it to say?

"Corpses for use in wacky fraternity pranks"?

Morgue or something.

Morgue? You're pretty clever. A little arrow or something?

Come on. It's gotta be around here some--

What the hell are you doing?

What the hell did you do?

I don't know. Come on.

You're kidding, right?

All right.

No, not the blue notebook.

The red one.

This gives me the creeps.

Hey, how about looking for the lights?

How can I look for the lights? I can't see anything.

Well, use your hands.

Hey, better yet, use your whale radar.

You are so weird.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Think it's taking the Lord's name in vain to say:

"Oh, my God" a whole bunch of times really fast like that?

I believe you're allowed...

...to break the commandments in certain situations.

How about getting the shit scared out of you...

...by a creepy, scary dead guy in a refrigerated coffin?

Are you sure he's dead?

Well, I mean...

...I'm pretty sure we could safely say he's not well, Chris.

- I wonder who he is. - Walt Disney.

How the hell should I know? Let's get out of here.

How long has he been here?

What am I, a tour guide? The guy's sealed up. Let's go.

Wait a minute.

For what? The cops?

J.C., our stupid mission is to find a cadaver...

...and dump it on the front of the P.O.G. house.

This guy's obviously part of some experiment...

...so let's get out of here.

I don't see any other handy takeout corpses around here, do you?

Wait a second.

"Cryogenic stasis system."

Will you come on?

You really didn't do that.

Cryogenics?

Cryogenics?

Chris, do you realize what this is?

You heard of freeze-dried coffee, right?

Well, this is like a freeze-dried human. A corpsicle.

- You mean like suspended animation? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like you take someone while they're alive and you freeze them.

Then you thaw them out a hundred years later like a TV dinner.

We are talking total science-fiction here.

Disengage.

No, wait.

That's it, yes, bingo.

I love you, Rudy. Thank you.

- Is he heavy? - Yeah.

Is he cold?

Think you'll be able to carry him all the way back?

Hey!

Oh, my God.

Great.

Now what?

Okay. How about we get a couple of machine guns, right?

And we blow the windows out of the joint.

And we yell, "Come on in and get me, you dirty coppers."

I mean, everything's a joke to you tonight.

Hey, fuck you, Chris.

Look, every single day...

...I put up with your moaning about what's-her-name...

...and how you wish you could fall in love.

But you're too chickenshit to do anything about it.

And then this Cynthia girl comes along.

Dream girl, 2001.

I say to myself, "What the hell, I'm sure as hell never gonna get laid...

...so I might as well help out my best friend."

And then you say, "J.C., help.

We gotta join the fraternity so she'll give me the time of day."

And I say, "What the hell, you gotta do it."

And what do I do?

I bust my ass to help you and you get chickenshit again.

And I push and I push and I don't give up.

And why? Why?

You don't even know. You don't even care.

Because it's important to me that you're happy, is that so crazy?

And we gotta act like jerks and get in trouble in order to do that.

It's better than acting like jerks for no reason, right?

So yeah, everything is a joke.

It's hilarious, because if you take it seriously...

...you just get depressed all the time like you are. So fuck you.

- Yeah, well, fuck you too. - You try it.

- If you'd let me. - You'd want me to.

- You wish. - Are we done?

I'm sorry I was an asshole.

If you weren't such an asshole, even girls might like you.

Hey, throw me that pillow, will you?

Freeze!

Thrill me.

Detective Cameron?

No, Bozo the Clown.

We had a call from University Med Center.

Some experimental lab has been broken into.

Detective Cameron?

No.

Bullwinkle Moose. Thrill me.

Hey, Ray.

You're looking at your actual cryogenics lab.

They've had some kid's body on ice here since 1959.

What is this, a homicide or a bad B movie?

What's that?

Was a grad student.

Lab technician.

He was scheduled to work here this evening.

Looks like he worked a little too hard, huh?

I suppose Rip Van Winkle will be the other body. Where is it?

The other body isn't here, sir.

What, did he have a date? What do you mean it isn't here?

The coroner-- Jake, did you take it?

I just got here.

I'm confused. I was told there were two bodies.

- Raimi. - Yes, sir?

First, knock off the "yes, sir" shit.

Second, since when does a desk sergeant show up on a call?

Third, you told me there were two bodies.

Now, I only see the one. You do know the difference?

It wasn't on the sergeant exam or anything...

...but if you use your fingers, it's real easy.

See? One, two.

- Piece of cake. - Yes, sir.

Well, there were two bodies, but there was a dispatch problem, you know.

Where were you guys?

Well, sir, there was a dispatch problem, sir.

A dispatch problem.

Anyway, look, I came down and met the night janitor.

And got a statement, of course.

This shit is getting old real fast.

I was awakened out of a real pleasant dream to come down here.

Straighten it out or am I gonna play poo patrol with your night stick?

I screwed up.

I sent two rookies down here on a case like this...

...and at some point, they both went to the....

- They went to the bathroom. - That's fine, fine.

Candy-assed, but fine. There's just one minor problem.

Corpses that have been dead for 27 years...

...do not get up and go for a walk by themselves!

Sorry we had to make it an early night, babe...

...but we've got some serious pledge humiliation to deal with.

Prez?

Lori told me to ask you if I can store these in the house till Monday. Okay?

Well, what are they?

Well, they're kind of brains for our bio class.

We have to dissect them.

Wait, human brains?

How about the basement?

Sure.

I just don't want them up here.

Hi, Gordon. Hi, sweetie.

Did you come to help me study or what, huh?

Where have you been, huh?

- Let's go, let's go. - Go back. Come along, men.

Caucasian.

Unusual pallor to the complexion...

...what's left of it.

This that body you were looking for?

Thrill me.

Jesus Christ.

What's this supposed to be?

It's supposed to be the housemother's cottage.

What you thinking, Ray? Knock it off.

Did that look to you like it...?

Like it could've been done with an ax?

I said stop it.

That psycho disappeared 27 years ago and you know it.

Do you get off on living in the past?

- Get him up. Yeah, all right. - Are you ready?

Watch it.

Now, stay back, girls. You don't wanna see this.

Oh, right.

She was. She was blond.

She had on a blue sweater. You didn't see her?

- Are you serious? - Yes.

She was checking.

That was not too cool, bros.

- Hi, Brad. - Okay, so we put you up to it.

But we said the Phi Omega Gamma house...

...not the Kappa Delta sorority.

Do you know the difference?

It's all Greek to me.

That was a little joke. I was kidding.

A lot of girls were seriously freaked out last night because of you.

Wait a second, okay? Listen, Brother Bratskeller.

A, that whole stunt was your Nobel Prize-winning idea...

...and B, we didn't even pull it off.

We chickened out, okay?

So why don't you just get off our case and go practice goose-stepping?

Brad, stop.

What a jerk.

Sorry, dorks.

Don't take it personal.

Coming, babe?

I got it.

I'm really sorry.

It's not your fault.

We didn't do it. We really didn't.

I believe you.

For the record, this is Cynthia Cronenberg.

And we're--

Christopher Romero and James Carpenter Hooper?

Landis, Homicide.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Spanky and Alfalfa.

Either of you guys recognize Mr. Miner here?

Well, he recognizes you.

It seems Mr. Miner here is the night janitor...

...at the University Med Center.

He says he saw you guys running out of there last night.

Forty miles an hour.

Screaming like banshees.

Care to comment?

Okay.

Seems we also found a headless body...

...out in front of the Kappa Delta house last night.

A body that came from a lab in the basement...

...of the very medical center...

...that Mr. Miner saw you running out of at 40 miles an hour.

Don't forget screaming like banshees.

Sounds like a pledge prank to me.

A sick, twisted, psychotic, demented, deranged pledge prank.

But possibly, just possibly in the ball park...

...of what you might call your collegiate tomfoolery.

You guys care to comment?

- Well-- - Captain.

Detective, I mean, we're not your fraternity types.

I personally would rather have my brains...

...invaded by creatures from space than pledge a fraternity.

He's lying. We did it.

- Well, the Betas-- - The Betas.

The Betas. Well, that explains everything.

The Betas told us to find a body...

...and dump it on the steps of another fraternity.

Well, we got into the lab and we got the body out of this thing.

And then we chickened out and ran away.

At 40 miles an hour.

Screaming like banshees.

It was a nervous response.

- He means the body. - The body?

It twitched. Its eyes opened.

- I don't know, it spazzed out. - Spazzed out. Totally.

But I swear to God, we did not move it from that lab.

And we sure the hell...

...I mean, heck, didn't damage it in any way.

And even if we did, Mr. Miner here would've seen us, wouldn't he?

Screaming like banshees.

Yeah, see you tomorrow.

Screaming like banshees.

Kappa Delta.

Is Cindy Cronenberg there?

Just a minute.

Cindy!

Karen?

Has anybody told her about the cat?

It'd break her heart.

- Hi. - Hi.

Thanks, cutie.

Hello?

Hey, babe. It's the Bradster.

- Listen, about-- - Brad...

...I don't think I wanna talk to you right now.

Hey, hey, lighten up.

It's about those chuckle-heads, isn't it?

I mean, it'd be one thing if you planned to pledge them.

Have a cow about it, why don't you?

If I knew you were gonna pull a downer...

...I never even would've told you.

But that's what I get for going with a fucking psych major, isn't it?

Gordon.

Hi, sweetie. Hi, Gordon.

Thrill me.

Wonderful.

How do you want me to write this up?

As just a homicide?

Hi.

Hi, hi.

I looked you guys up in the student directory. I hope you don't mind.

Oh, not at all, because we were just doing--

I was about to take a shower and then just....

How's it going? Wanna come in or just...?

Actually, would a walk be out of the question?

I know they buried him.

I saw the grave myself.

This is excellent. Night of the Living Dead Cat.

Look, maybe the girl was on drugs.

You know, studying can get to you after a while.

Sounds like there's a dance tonight, the Student Union.

And that guy's body?

The one from the lab?

It came to my window, you guys.

I swear to God.

I thought you'd understand.

I mean, I didn't know who else to come and talk to about it.

I do understand. We do understand.

I'm so confused.

Listen, you guys.

I really have to use the nearest facilities...

...so I'll be right back, okay?

All right, go for it, partner.

I mean, she's misplaced her marble collection...

...but definitely go for it.

Chris, if I tell you something, you promise to believe me?

Of course.

I think...

...it was a zombie.

And its head exploded...

...and things like slugs or something spilled out.

Okay.

Maybe I should walk you home.

What about J.C.?

I have a feeling he went back to the dorms.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

Oh, my God.

Shit.

What the hell was that?

Light.

Come on. Come on.

Okay.

Come on.

Oh, my God.

I feel really stupid.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm going crazy or something.

Listen, there's a formal tomorrow night...

...and will you go with me?

What? Really?

Yeah, but what about Brad?

Brad's an asshole.

I know that, but aren't you guys-- ?

Tomorrow night, okay?

No more weird stuff.

Thanks, Chris.

Good night.

Zombies, exploding heads...

...creepy-crawlies and a date for the formal.

...creepy-crawlies and a date for the formal.

This is classic, Spanky.

Tell me something, Spanky.

Do you have a high school sweetheart?

Maybe.

Well, whatever happened to her?

I don't know, I blew it.

She decided we didn't ever need to talk again...

...and went on with her life, I guess.

Why?

I had a high school sweetheart.

So? What happened to her?

I blew it.

She decided we didn't ever need to talk again.

Me, I became a cop.

I'd been a rookie about two weeks when we got the call.

Highway patrol, they saw a car on the side of the road.

They called it in, we responded.

It was a couple.

The guy's body was in the woods 20 yards from the car.

My partner found him.

I found the girl.

I found her in the car.

And on the road.

And in the woods.

Your high school sweetheart went on with her life.

Mine got hacked up by a nutcase with an ax.

But that's not the fun part.

The fun part's what happened next.

What happened next?

Guess.

- The police found him? - Close.

I found him.

It wasn't what you'd call your routine police work either.

- What would you call it? - Revenge.

See, I tracked him during my off-hours.

By yourself?

Oh, no, no, no.

I took my 12-gauge with me.

I tracked him and I found him.

And when I found him...

...I leveled off that shotgun right at his chest.

Spanky, guess what happened next.

Should you be telling me this?

Close.

I pulled the trigger.

That's all real exciting and everything...

...but listen, I've got a mid-term--

I wrapped his body in a plastic bag.

I buried him in a vacant lot.

The lot right behind your girlfriend's sorority.

Of course, it isn't a vacant lot anymore.

Now the housemother's cottage is sitting right on top of it.

Look, detective, I don't mean to be rude or anything...

...but other than just kind of wanting to confess to a murder...

...is there a point to this story?

Spanky, that's exactly what I'm trying to figure out.

The old man left that home, never to return again.

As long as they can think, we'll have our problems.

But those whom we're using cannot think.

They are the dead, brought to a simulated life by our electro-guns.

You know, it's an interesting thing...

...when you consider, the Earth people who can think...

...are so frightened by those who cannot.

Well, our ship should be regenerated. We better get started.

Thrill me.

Cameron to Dispatch.

Where the hell are my backups?

What the...?

Never mind.

Check the neighborhood. Go ahead.

She had a dog, but it took off the second we kicked the door in.

If we used a different stretcher for every piece...

...we'd be here all night.

Forget it. Give it up.

I don't see anything.

A bit more.

We checked the garage, checked next door, checked that whole side.

- And? - Nothing.

Check somewhere else.

Don't come back until you find something.

You're right, this is stupid.

Go.

I said go, not stop.

- Still nothing, sir. - Wonderful.

Wallace and Teague are in the patrol car.

Dante and DePalma are on the other side.

- Reach for Hoffman. - Detective.

I thought we were--

We've sighted suspect and we're in pursuit.

Request immediate backup. Repeat, we have the sucker.

We got him. We got him.

Get the 12-gauge out of my car, now.

Freeze.

I already killed you.

You son of a bitch, I already killed you.

- What's going on? - Oh, Paul, have you seen J.C.?

He never came home last night.

Last time I saw him, you guys took off with that babe.

Hey, Chris, what's the tux for, huh?

Chris.

There's one inside me.

It got in through my mouth.

I can feel it.

It's in my brain.

I don't have a pulse or a heartbeat.

I think I'm dead.

I killed one.

I lit a match to it.

I think fire will kill them.

I've gone to the furnace room, the basement.

If I don't come back...

...heat will kill them.

I walked, Chris.

All by myself, I walked.

I love you.

Good luck with Cynthia.

Let's go, bros.

Hey, Cunningham, where's Brad, man?

I think he's bagging the formal action.

I think Cindy blew him off.

Oh, bogus, man. He must be bummed.

Really.

Bitch.

What the fuck?

Hey, dog, did you see that thing?

Let's go, come on.

Let's go.

We're out of here.

Let's blow this pop stand.

We're going to get done, dudes.

What?

They got Alfalfa.

They get in through your mouth...

...and then they lay eggs in your brain...

...and you walk around while they incubate.

And you walk around even if you're dead.

Wonderful.

Come on, you guys.

Settle down or I'll stop the bus.

Hi, Walt.

Well, well, well, Detective Ray Cameron.

- Son of a gun, is that really you? - It's me, all right. How's by you?

Hey, can't complain. Cannot complain, Raymond.

Hi, sport.

Pretty fancy set of duds you got on there.

What is it, Halloween or something, Ray? Hey, kid, I'm only kidding.

So, what can I do you for?

Well, the thing is, Walter, what I need is...

...I need your basic flamethrower.

Flamethrower? Flamethrower?

Yeah.

Flamethrower? Jesus.

What's the matter? The old snub-nose ain't good enough for you anymore?

Yeah, I know. Just bring out the old heavy artillery, will you, Walt?

We got one slingshot and one BB gun and one flamethrower.

There you go.

Gotta watch out for this baby.

Light the pilot, it goes out...

...and it plays hard to get like a son of a bitch.

- Thanks. - So if you let me have the requisition.

Oh, well, the thing is....

Oh, the thing is, Walter, I....

I don't have a requisition form is the thing.

You don't? Well, jeez.

To tell you the truth, Ray, there could be a little problem.

Yeah.

There could be a little problem.

Well, I'm so sure.

Don't everybody run to answer the door at once.

Guy.

I'm so sure.

Very hilarious, Brad.

Cindy, Brad's here.

I was gonna call you.

Look, I'm sorry things didn't work out.

We're just two different people.

That doesn't mean that it's over forever.

We just need time to think.

Cynthia, get away from it.

Sorry, Brad. Don't take it personal.

Hey, who are you?

I'm gonna call the police.

You do that. Now.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know that it was....

Here, hold this, you'll feel better.

I've got good news and bad news, girls.

The good news is your dates are here.

What's the bad news?

They're dead.

Shit.

Oh, shit.

Cynthia, look.

Look, you squeeze this thing to fire, okay?

Jesus, Cynthia. Try and fire it.

Do something, damn it!

Well, don't go out there.

So fire when I do, okay?

Are you ready?

Now!

You. Lock those doors.

Duck.

It's Miller time.

Don't these creeps take no for an answer?

How many of them are there?

Come on, come on. Shoot him.

It's jammed.

Give me a fucking break.

Here, come on.

Real good plan.

Oh, my God.

Chris.

Chris. Chris.

Chris.

Get out of there.

Go.

Later, dude.

Holy shit, the basement.

What's in the basement?

Storage, boxes.

One of the girl's science projects.

- Oh, my-- - Get out of the house.

Get out of the house.

Get out of the house now.

No, no. Get out.

Get out, get out of here. Take her and get out.

Get the hell out of here.

Wonderful.

Don't even think about it, you little son of a bitch.

Twenty.

Nineteen.

Eighteen.

Seventeen.

Sixteen.

Thirteen, 12, 11.

Ten, nine...

...eight, seven...

...six....

Five, four, three....

One.

Detective, thrill me.

Nice tux.