All language subtitles for Nick.Di.Paolo.Inflammatory.2017.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG2_English

[rock music]

- Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome
the man you came to see--

the one and only Nick DiPaolo.

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, Long Island!

Yeah!

Welcome to my big special.

[cheers and applause continue]

Thank you.
Look at this--beautiful.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause continue]

All right!

Let's not overdo it, huh?
All right.

I had to train
for, like, you know, a year

to do this show tonight,
and, uh...

I can't lose the--
I can't.

You know, I'm 54.

I have the metabolism
that just doesn't fucking move.

I did P90X. You're supposed
to do that for three months.

I did it for a year and a half.

Nobody told me it would turn
my hips and knees

into a fine powder.

You should hear my hips
and ass bones

I'm coming down the stairs
in the morning.

It sounds like I'm walking
on Bubble Wrap.

Jesus Christ, what the hell's
that popping and snapping shit?

My buddy goes, "You got to do
the 30-minute INSANITY workout

with Shaun T," you know,
the gay black fella.

He's...

[imitating Shaun T]
You got to stay focused.

Welcome to 30-minute INSANITY.

You got to get some abs
up in here.

You want to meet a confused Cub
Scout, you got to get ripped.

Know what I'm saying?

[laughter]

[normal voice]
I'm making fun of this guy.

Meanwhile, he's got the
lung capacity of a blue whale.

I can't keep up
with this fucking guy.

I make fun of people.

I used to make fun of people
who did this shit--

you know, worked out
in their living rooms.

I'm like, "How faggy is that?"

Now I can't even keep up
with these people, you know?

He's got all these broads
behind him.

They're, like,
in their late teens.

I'm doing the modified version
of the exercise.

You know, they always have
the one chubby chick up front

doing the modified version.

Everybody behind us
are doing one-arm push-ups.

Me and Catherine are going...

Yeah, this what the Navy SEALs
do to get ripped, I think.

Is this what Belichick has
the Pats doing in training camp?

[chuckles]

And I take it out on her--
this heavyset girl.

I'm so old and bitter,
I can't keep up with her.

Shaun T's like, "Now Catherine's
on all fours."

I'm like, "Yeah, for the first
time in her fucking life."

[laughs]

No need to say that.

[chuckles]

Meanwhile, he's got these girls
behind him.

They're, like, 22.
They have negative body fat.

They're in the tightest panties
you've ever seen.

Six minutes into the workout,
I'm on the couch

with my pants down, going,
"Yeah, this is great.

"I heard this
is, like, 450 calories.

"I read that
in 'Esquire' magazine.

"Yeah, Johnny Depp said that
or some shit.

"What? What am I gonna
do pull-ups for?

"This feels much better.
I got to be honest.

I'm really gonna get shredded,
I'll tell you."

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm pretty healthy.

I have to work out
during the day,

'cause I can't sleep.

I have the horrible insomnia.

And everybody I tell this to--

they always ask me
the same question.

They go,
"Have you tried warm milk?"

Uh, no, I haven't,
for a couple reasons.

Number one,
it's not 1966 anymore.

Number two, I'm not
a fucking 3-day-old kitten.

Have I tried warm milk?

Yeah, I saw a lady
breast-feeding

at the mall today, and...

I went up to her. I said,
"I notice you have one open."

Next thing you know,
I'm out like a light

in front of the Yarn Barn
for 2 1/2 hours.

Warm milk--I'd rather be up
for 10 years straight

than drink warm milk.

Who likes the taste
of warm milk?

Brand-new babies
and gay guys, right?

Exactly.

Fellas, no offense, all right?

I see you giving me
the stink eye.

You're a couple
of handsome fellas up front.

You both got over-tight shirts
on, but let's go with it, huh?

Let's play.
I'm just--

I got more gay friends
than Kelly Ripa.

I'm in show business,
for Christ's sake.

Don't...

Fucking warm milk.

My buddy goes,
"Have you tried chamomile tea?"

How gay a suggestion is that
coming out of a guy?

I go, "Why don't you just suck
my dick?

"I'll pass out
in about three minutes...

Dave."

Chamomile tea.

All the cures for insomnia
are very effeminate.

Have you tried rubbing yogurt
on your taint

while you're doing
a word scramble?

[laughter]

There's no macho cures,
you know?

Nobody ever goes,
"Have you tried snorting Valium,

drinking Jack Daniel's,
and jerking off twice?"

As a matter of fact, I have,

and I'm still tossing
and turning at night.

That's why I don't think

a bottle of Yoo-hoo
at room temperature

is gonna do the trick.

[chuckles]

Have you tried chamomile tea?

I mean, what,
are you shitting me?

So I'm up all night, folks.
I'm exhausted.

I'm watching infomercials from
midnight till the sun comes up.

I have them memorized.

I know more
about Cindy Crawford's oily skin

than her fucking doctor does
at this point.

Cindy wants us to believe she
couldn't get laid in high school

'cause she had
a greasy forehead.

Can you imagine
an 18-year-old Cindy Crawford?

How fucking hot she--

I just picture a couple
of fat guys in the locker room.

Hey, you know that hot chick
Cindy Crawford?

She wants to fuck you.

Yeah, but she's got that big zit
between her nose.

I can't get past that.

Jesus Christ.

I'm wide awake.

I'm calling QVC
just to fucking kill time.

I'm ordering porcelain dolls
100 at a time.

I'll take the Japanese one
with yellow shoes for $59.95.

No, I'm not a racist.
I said, "Japanese."

What the fuck's your problem?

Last week I ordered
Power Love Ballads of the '70s.

I got 12 hours of Air Supply
on my cell phone now.

[chuckles]

The worst infomercial when you
can't sleep that comes on--

that goddamn psycho from
My Pillow, that fucking freak.

How big is this guy's
advertising budget?

Jesus Christ!

Anybody else think
he's got the bones

of small children
buried under his house

somewhere in Cleveland?

That guy creeps me out.

He looks like a pedophile

with that big fucking
porno mustache from the '70s,

giant crucifix,
silky blue shirt.

He's holding the pillow
like it's a child

that washed up on a shore
in fucking Syria somewhere.

Hi. How are you?

I'm Mike Lindell,
inventor of My Pillow,

and thanks to my patented fill
that'll muffle the screams

of any 12-year-old boy
or girl...

[laughter]

I made it machine washable
to get rid of that pesky DNA.

I made it right here
in my home state of Minnesota,

'cause I have felonies out
in all 50 states.

You know he's got, like,
12 underage Asian girls

tied to a loan
in his basement.

I need 20 more by Wednesday!

Ting-a tang-a dow!

Don't get mouthy with me.

I'll open it.
Thank you, staff.

Anyways...

I'm kidding.
I'm no fucking diva.

Anyways...

How about a hand for them

letting me do this here,
by the way?

They've been so good to me.
Seriously.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, so I tried Ambien.

My friend said,
"You got to do it.

If you can't sleep,
take Ambien."

That's a nice pill.
Have you tried that?

It's a combination of Clorox
and Devil's semen, I think.

That is the most heinous shit
I've ever put in my body.

If I found a needle
in an alley tonight,

I'd stick that into the head
of my dick to knock myself out

before I take another Ambien.

It wiped my memory out
for 72 hours.

I come down the stairs
in my robe.

I look like Nicholson
at the end of "Cuckoo's Nest"

after the lobotomy.

[laughter]

My wife goes,
"You want coffee?"

I go, "Who the fuck are you?

"Get out of my house, bitch.

Get out!
I'm calling the cops!"

My neighbor calls me
at, like, noontime.

He goes, "Hey, do you know
you tried to choke out my wife

in your underwear last night
in the front lawn?"

I'm like,
"Yeah, you're welcome."

That shit made me violent.

Not irritable, fucking, like,
almost violent the next day.

I tell my doctor that.

I got, "This stuff is making me
almost violent."

This is what my doctor says
over the phone, and I quote--

he goes,
"Yeah, they really don't know

how that stuff works."

What the fuck did I call--
a Sunoco station?

What did you just say?

They don't know how it works.

Maybe you can ask
the coroner next week

when they find me facedown
in my tub.

He gave me time-release Ambien.

I don't know anything
about medication.

I'm pretty healthy.

Somebody explained to me
after I was taking these,

with time-release capsules,
there's coatings on the pills,

and they come off every couple
hours in your stomach.

I didn't know. I was cutting
the Ambien right in half,

getting right
to the nougat center.

So, after taking these things,
after two minutes,

I'm pissing and shitting myself
in my recliner.

I can't feel my feet.

Honey, check the dosage.
My ass is numb. Is this right?

I'm crawling across the floor,
leaving a piss stain on the rug.

I'm mumbling.

I look like Leonardo DiCaprio
in "The Wolf of Wall Street."

Check the dosage!
Check the dosage!

It's horrible.

I'm walking around
like a fucking zombie all day.

It's not
the worst thing--insomnia.

There's a lot
of shit out there,

thanks to the borders
being wide open, you know this?

They canceled school
in Wisconsin--

a middle school last week.

Two kids came to school
with leprosy.

Who's the last person
to have leprosy?

I think it was Ben Hur's mother,
wasn't it?

What the fuck?

Imagine your kid's going
to school.

His buddy puts
his lunch box down.

His hand breaks off
on the handle.

What the fuck?

Oh, no, I don't know
what happened.

I don't know.
[mumbling]

Fucking leprosy.

Ebola--
two women in Sacramento--

I just read this online.
Two women have Ebola.

They're keeping this hush--

Ebola. Ebola.

I was actually hoping
to get Ebola,

not a full-blown case.

I've been trying to lose
the same 10 pounds

for the last 20 years.

Maybe if I shit blood
for 18 months straight,

it might put a dent
in my fat gut.

But my metabolism is so slow,

I could get Zika, AIDS,
and Ebola for ten years.

They put me on the scale and go,
"You put on 22 pounds.

"Have you been cheating
on your Ebola diet, Nick?

"We just X-rayed your stomach.

It's filled with blood
and fun-size Snickers."

[chuckles]

Ebola. Africa's given
some good shit--

Ebola, AIDS, Al Sharpton,

all the things in life
that I love.

I put all those three
in the same category.

[applause]
Anyhow...

Hey, a round of applause from
the predominantly white crowd.

All right, let's see
if they edit that out.

[laughter]

Let's see if that stays
in the show, folks, huh?

[mumbles goofily]

That's why nobody's heard of me
after 30 years.

All the funniest shit
gets cut on the floor.

Yeah, Ebola.
People were panicking.

Last week I'm in my car
listening to a radio show,

and this lady calls in
to a talk show.

She goes, "So how do we avoid
getting the Ebola virus?"

Oh, I don't know.

Don't like a toilet brush at
a gas station in Sierra Leone.

Don't blow anybody
in the Hyatt hot tub in Gambia.

Don't toss the salad of
a warlord from "Burkino" Faso.

Stay in Long Island

and get bladder cancer
like the rest of us.

[chuckles]

[chuckles]
How do we avoid it?

Obama even got
that wrong, too, remember?

He goes, "It'll be
very difficult to catch

in the United States."

Two days later that nurse
in Texas got a nice...

[coughs, laughs]

She was dressed like Heisenberg
in "Breaking Bad,"

and she caught it.

I guess I'm safe
in a T-shirt and jeans

on a plane sitting
next to a lady from Bangkok

with a live rooster
on her lap.

Fucking broad's just sneezed
on my omelet twice.

I can see why people panic,

because there's a 70% mortality
rate with Ebola.

I'm talking to some guy
on the plane.

He's a complete stranger.
His face is a foot from mine.

He's about
to sentence me to death

if that piece of pork
between his front teeth

becomes dislodged
during the conversation.

Hi, Nick.
I'm headed to Pittsburgh.

Cut to me in a diaper bleeding
from my ass and eyeholes.

What happened?

Ah, a guy spit an enchilada
on my face. I don't know.

All the disea--
Fucking...

Zika.

Let me get this straight now.

I'm trying to put
a positive spin.

People are panicking
about Zika.

Let me bring some, you know,
logic to the conversa--

Now, do I have this right?

If a pregnant woman gets bit
by a fly with Zika,

she's gonna give birth to a baby
with a little M&M head.

Am I right so far?

I guess that's kind of bad.
I'm not sure.

Now, ladies, I don't know--

Alls I've been hearing my whole
life is how childbirth

is the most painful thing
anybody can go through.

You see where I'm going
with this?

I'm guessing it's because
of the baby's head.

That hurts
when it comes out, right?

Anybody connecting the dots
on this one?

I'm just saying, if I was a girl
and about to have my first baby

and I was nervous about
how much it was gonna hurt,

I think I'd be in the Bahamas
tonight in a swamp naked,

rubbing peanut butter
on my tits.

[laughter]

Nine months after the vacation,

she's in the kitchen
washing dishes.

She goes to fart, and Todd falls
on the kitchen floor.

She doesn't even feel it.
Her husband has to point it out.

Hey, the kid's here.
Wake up.

Okay, he's got a tiny head.
He's in for a life of bullying.

But you still have the pussy
of a 14-year-old.

I think we're all--
I think we all win here, no?

I'm Donald Trump,
and I approve that message.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah.

[person whistles]

[laughing]

Trump likes pussy.
Big deal.

So does Hillary.
What's the big deal?

I don't--

I mean...

I'm not gonna get
into this right now.

At the end of the show,
I might dabble in it.

Relax.

She's been a little sloppy
with that personal server.

Fuck, I got two emails from her
in my inbox this morning.

[chuckles]

Yeah, Zika--You know what
disease is gonna get me, folks?

I'll tell you
what's gonna kill me,

and I know this.

You guys know I grew up
in Boston.

I'm a die-hard Red Sox fan.

Fucking my dad taught me
to hate the Yankees and shit,

but this is--
[man shouts]

The Sox, the fucking So--

This is why I know I'm gonna die
of Lou Gehrig's disease.

I just know it.

Lou Gehrig's ghost
is gonna kill me.

I fucking know this.
It's in my bones.

I didn't realize
how much I hated the Yankees

till a couple years ago--

I refused to take
the Ice Bucket Challenge

to cure Lou Gehrig's disease.

[laughs]

It's a fatal disease
named after a Yankee?

Let that shit spread
like wildfire.

I don't give a shit.

That's a PR nightmare
for those motherfuckers.

People start dying
of Big Papi disease,

I'll dump a bucket of cat piss
over my head.

Why am I gonna help Lou Gehrig,
for Christ's sake?

He's the luckiest man
on the face of the Earth.

You heard him.

You remember that speech.
That's what he called himself.

He had, what,
a month left to live?

Did "lucky" mean something
different back in the '40s?

[chuckles]

Even his friends were
in the stands that night,

going, "Did he just say 'lucky'?
What the fuck?

"Guy's gonna be dead
in about ten minutes.

"Oh, yeah, you're a regular
rabbit's foot, Lou.

"Let's go to the track tonight.

"Maybe we'll get you
a lottery ticket.

You're on fire.
What, is he shitting me?"

But he handled it beautifully,

'cause that was
that generation, right?

They had some elegance,
some class to them,

not like us selfish assholes.

But he handled
that speech beautifully.

He knew he had
six months to live.

He's in front of 60,000 people
at Yankee Stadium.

He's like,
"Today, today, today...

"I consider myself, self, self
the luckiest man, man

on the face of the Earth, Earth,
Earth, Earth."

I don't think I would've handled
it quite that classy.

I found out I had
a month left to live.

I'm at Fenway Park,
40,000 people.

I would've been like,
"Today, today, today...

"I was fucked
in the ass, ass, ass

by God, God, God, God."

[chuckles]

"I was leading the league
in RBIs, 'I's, 'I's, 'I's.

"Now I'm shitting
blood, blood, blood.

"There is no God, God, God.

Fuck you people, people,
people, people."

They're throwing hot dogs at me
and Heinekens.

"Shut up.
I'm dying, dying, dying.

You're going to hell."

I got mustard
in my three strands of hair.

Ah, fucking dying.

[laughs]

All kinds of shit out there.

Here's the disease
I'm most afraid of,

and I know--
I pray I don't get this.

Moderate to severe
plaque psoriasis.

Have you heard
that phrase enough?

I'm almost jealous I don't have
it, I'm so interested in it.

You can't get
a simple case of it?

It has to be moderate
to severe?

If I come in with three red
bumps on my nuts,

you're gonna send me away?

Moderate to severe
plaque psoriasis.

All kinds of drugs for that.

Even in the drug commercials,

the husband
has to be the asshole.

You can't give us
a fucking break.

Both men and women
get diseas--

Every commercial
the guy has the disease.

You know, the Humira commercial
I'm talking about?

The wife is laying
by the pool quietly,

like the little angel
that she is.

And here comes the husband,
the asshole,

with the red bathing suit
and shitty physique.

He's got an oozing raspberry
on his left ass cheek.

How can I turn that clean pool
into a Crock-Pot of bacteria?

I know. I'll do a cannonball
an inch from my wife's face

and splash her
with this leprosy water.

I think that'll get her.

How come the wife
can't have the disease?

How come the wife can't come out
with a nice tank top on,

some side tit,
big, oozing raspberry?

Pwt, pwt.
Here you go, Dave.

Pwt, pwt. Here's some moderate
to severe plaque psoriasis.

Pwt. Enjoy that.

Those commercials, huh?

Humira cures everything.

Kids with leprosy
are rubbing it on their feet.

Flat tires are getting fixed
with Humira.

Got a squeaky door?
Humira.

Yeah, it's always the fuck--

The first Humira commercial
was my favorite.

Remember this one?

Handsome guy, right?

Fucking guy's at the salad bar.
He's trying to get food.

Cute girl walks up.
They make eye contact.

And then the girl notices
his elbow is bubbling

like slice of deep-dish pizza
fresh out of the oven.

So she scurries away like
the shallow whore that she is.

And he just stands there.

I would've been chasing her,
trying to touch her neck.

Hey, hey, have some chickpeas.

I'll make a nice Greek salad.
Let me stir these for you.

I got a rash, and you're running
away from me?

[chuckles]

Just standing there
emasculated.

Every commercial--
it's just so tiring.

Every commercial
is gender-neutral.

Every commercial
has to be gender-neutral.

I heard this
on the radio today, okay?

I swear to God.

The men and women
have to be equal

no matter
what the commercial is.

This is the commercial.

It goes, "One in four men

"will be diagnosed
with prostate cancer this year,

but prostate cancer affects you,
too, ladies."

It does? We can't even fucking
have that to ourselves.

How does prostate cancer
affect women?

I mean, unless you're Caitlyn or
Hillary, how the hell does it--

And what they're saying is--

They go on in the commercial
to explain,

if a guy has prostate cancer,

his wife or girlfriend's sexual
needs aren't gonna get met.

That may or may not be true,
but, ladies,

you think you could put your
pussy aside for five minutes

while I'm fighting for my life
and I'm shitting blood,

my hair's falling out
in the sink?

You think you could do that, you
selfish little feminist whores?

Could you do that
for me, please?

Were feminists that selfish
back in the fucking '60s?

No, they weren't.

If they were, "Brian's Song"

would've been a whole
different movie, you know?

Brian Piccolo's
on his deathbed.

Imagine it's 4th and long,
and they won't let me punt.

All of a sudden, you hear
a vibrator in the corner.

[imitates vibrator whirring]

I don't give a shit
what his white-cell count is.

I'm a person, too.

[imitates vibrator whirring]

You wouldn't hear the opposite
commercial, would you?

You wouldn't hear, you know,
"One in four women

"will be diagnosed
with breast cancer this year,

"but you know what?

"Breast cancer affects you,
too, fellas.

"You can't give your girlfriend
a pearl necklace

if she has one tit,
now, can you?"

Where's that commercial?

See, when we do that commercial,
then we're truly equal,

and there's not a bunch
of bitches protesting

in front of the goddamn
fucking studio.

How politically correct
are commercials?

If I see one more commercial
for a home-alarm company

where the white guy
kicks the front door in

at 3:00 in the morning...

Not just any white actor,

it's the whitest actor
they could find.

Apparently Ed Begley Jr.

isn't getting his checks
from "St. Elsewhere" anymore,

so he's cat-burgling
for a living.

Who the fuck is stealing
our silverware?

Fucking who is that--
Lily Munster?

Look at the complexion
on that bitch.

It's so tiring. Breast cancer--
I can't--the commercial--

Give me a break.

[sighs]
Speaking of breast cancer,

can somebody please cure it

so I don't have to look
at my favorite NFL team

dressed like a float
at the gay pride parade

every fucking October?

I've been complaining about this
for ten years, man, you know?

Finally get the fucking special
to say this.

This'll finish my career,
this bit, but stay with me.

I'm just saying,
it's just so emasculating.

And all that pink stuff--
they tell you

that they sell the socks
that the guys wear after the--

That's how they raise--
It's all a crock of shit.

The NFL writes them a check
at the beginning of the year

for, like,
a half million dollars.

It's just about feminists

sticking their fucking
mustachioed faces in my life,

not letting men have anything
to themselves.

That's all it is, fellas, okay?

[mumbling goofily]

It's so emasculating.

Your quarterback comes
to the line of scrimmage.

He starts yelling out
all that macho shit.

Red, 80! Red, 80!
Omaha!

Drops back to pass.

He's dressed
like "I Dream of Jeannie."

Is that a penalty on the play?

No, his cancer scarf fell off,
I think.

That's what happened.
[mumbles]

Every commercial.
If that's not--

Your team is dressed in pink.
And that's all it is.

They're not letting us
have October.

It was the only macho month
we had.

Your whole team
is dressed in pink.

If that's not bad enough,

every commercial during an NFL
game is for Viagra,

telling me I can't get it up.

And then the next commercial

is telling me
not to sexually abuse women.

Well, which one is it?
I'm getting mixed signals.

Am I an impotent little pussy,

or am I a danger to any vagina
within 100 miles of my house?

Which one is it?

And who do they have
telling me how to treat women?

Ice T, former rapper,

former pimp, by the way.

I'm watching an NFL game.

All of sudden,
Ice T pops up, and he goes,

"Don't beat your bitches.
Back to the game."

Well, than you, Mr. Ice.

Okay, I can sell pussy.
I just can't hit it?

All right,
let me write that down.

Appreciate it.

[imitating Ice T]
Lemonade, man.

[mumbles]

And those Viagra commercials
are the most hateful--

They're just--it's all
about emasculation.

We don't need
to be told Viagra's--

We know where
to fucking get it.

My 20-year-old cousin can make
the shit in his tub blindfolded.

He's selling it out of a van.
He's a trillionaire.

Seriously,
that's a message, fellas,

just reminding you
you're impotent.

It's the century of the woman.

Trust me.
That's all that's about, okay?

You with me,
guy in his late 70s?

You don't need that pill, right?
You look like a horny prick.

Yeah? Okay.

It's so emasculating,
those commercials.

Do you see the woman
they use to sell Viagra

to guys who can't get
an erection?

Beautiful British woman
laying on a bed,

blue eyes, gorgeous face,

in a nightgown,
tits are hanging out.

That's who you use to sell
Viagra to guys who can't--

You're taunting
these poor bastards.

When you see a commercial
late at night

for starving kids in Ethiopia,

the white guy doing
the commercial--

he's not eating
a foot-long cheesesteak

in front of these kids, is he?

Yeah, send Kimba a nickel.
He's starving.

What is this, ciabatta bread?
This is delicious.

I've never had a sandwich
like this.

Can I get some more
fucking basil aioli on this?

Hey, get him away from me.
He almost touched my leg.

This is delicious.

Can I get a Heineken?

That's who you use to sell pills
to guys who can't get it up?

That's fucking humiliating.

You see the commercial.
The lady's laying in the bed.

She's like, "Gentlemen,
you're with your favorite lady,

"and the setting is perfect.

And then erectile dysfunction
happens again."

"Again"? You had to throw
"again" in there?

It wasn't mean enough?

Who the fuck's writing
this shit--Rosie O'Donnell?

What do you mean "again"?

What do you mean "again"?

It happened once.
I was on mushrooms in college.

Get over it.

Let's not harp on it,
for Christ's sake.

Again, and it happens again.

You can't get your little
pee-pee up again and again.

And again,
you can't get a hard-on.

You're not a man.
Ha ha!

How do you think
that makes those guys feel,

for Christ's sake?

Ladies, how would you like it?
You're watching "The View."

All of a sudden, a commercial
comes on with George Clooney

for MONISTAT 7.

Clooney's laying in a bed
in his underwear...

all tan, bedroom eyes,
candles everywhere.

Looks into the camera.

"Ladies, you're
with your favorite hunk,

"and the setting is perfect.

"And then he pulls down
your panties,

and the room smells like a can
of smoked mussels"...

"Left in the back of a minivan
for three weeks in August...

"again and again and again.

"There is no cure.
And again.

"It stinks.
There's no cure.

You stink, smelly po-po.
Again."

You see what I'm saying?
We have feelings, too, ladies.

[chuckles goofily]

What's the purpose of these?

What, am I on a runway
at LaGuardia?

What the fuck?

And again.

I love women.
Don't take this--

I really do.
I'm like a 14-year-old kid.

I still get excited,
I see tits.

Let me tell you
a little titty story.

About a week and a half ago,
I'm sitting on my couch at home.

I hear my wife say,
"I'm going shopping."

I could've sworn I heard
the door slam and everything.

Turns out she didn't even leave
the house.

Not only was she still
in the house,

she was, like, 12 feet away
in the kitchen

reading a magazine quietly,

like the fucking sneak
that she is.

That's what happens
when you're married

to the same person
for that long.

You actually hallucinate
about them leaving the house.

So I'm sitting there
watching a movie on HBO.

This actress comes on.

So out loud--I'm thinking
I'm by myself--

I go, "Nice tits,"

which is kind of creepy
to say that out loud

when you're by yourself, but...

So I go, "Nice tits,"

and my wife sticks her miserable
face in from the kitchen.

She goes, "What's your obsession
with tits, anyways?"

What a dumb question
to ask a guy.

What's my obsession with tits?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's
because somebody stuck one

in my mouth
when I was 3 seconds old,

and it fed me a delicious meal

that kept me alive
for the next 24 hours.

I'm no Freud, but I'm pretty
sure that would fuck

with a kid's memory
for the next 54 years or so.

I'm pretty sure that's why
even today when I see a tit,

I start to drool
like a Saint Bernard

with his head out the window of
a Jeep on a highway somewhere.

[laughter and applause]

And my wife goes,
"Well, that's not true."

I'm like, "What do you mean
it's not true?"

She goes, "Well, us women,
we're breast-fed.

We're not obsessed with tits."

No, you're not obsessed
with tits at all.

No, you'll pay a doctor 20 grand
to knock you out,

cut your chest open
like a Hot Pocket,

and stick in two Ziploc bags

filled with saline
and margarita mix...

so you can beat your girlfriend
Pam at the wet T-shirt contest

on Sunday.

But I'm the one with the
unhealthy attitude towards tits.

I understand.

Would she be happier
if I was obsessed with cock?

Sorry. My dad didn't walk around
pantless while I was teething.

What if she heard that

coming out of the living room
that night?

"Nice dick."

Sticks her face in--"What's your
obsession with dicks, anyways?"

I don't know. Maybe it's because
somebody stuck one

in my mouth
when I was 3 seconds old,

and it fed me a delicious meal

that kept me alive
for the next two days.

Maybe that's why.
What's your problem?

What are you, homophobic?

[chuckles]

Love tits.
I'm an old-fashioned guy.

Still go down on the wife,
you know what I mean?

I haven't put a pee-pee
in my mouth yet.

I'm the one living
the alternative lifestyle.

But anyhow...

This political correctness
is killing us.

You know, I watch
New England Sports Network.

That's where I watch
the Red Sox.

It's the most
politically correct channel

on the goddamn TV set.

They talk about cancer
every goddamn show

and every game.

And I understand that.
You're trying to make it aware.

But there was a time we used
to go to Fenway Park

and watch sports as a release
to get away from this shit.

So can we keep it
on Facebook, please?

Can I have my tits and my porn
on my sports,

and you have your pink ribbons
and shit over here?

And then I'll come over
on Tuesday

and give you 5 bucks, okay?

Can we fucking--

New England Sports Network--

it's the most
politically correct.

They keep bringing people out
from the 2013 marathon bombing,

which I understand, right?

They keep marching people out
in 2014,

which they deserve it.

I'm not saying anything
about them.

God bless them--to throw out
the first pitch at Fenway Park.

There's people
with missing arms and le--

but every goddamn game.

Now they're bringing people out

that were there
that really didn't get hurt.

You know, it's 2016.

They're like, "Dougie Smith
from Burlington, Vermont--

he lost a wallet that day
and two watches."

"Here comes Jean Smith
from Chatham, Massachusetts.

"She lost her breath running way
from the bombing.

Let's talk to her
for 10 minutes."

It's just--they had a lady
come out, 104 years old,

in a wheelchair to throw out
"the first pitch."

This is what I'm talking about
political correctness run amok.

She's 104.
She's in a wheelchair.

They put the ball in her lap.

Some guy pushes her out
in the wheelchair real fast

and then stops short.

The ball rolled, like, 6 inches
from her feet.

Fenway goes crazy, like some guy
just struck somebody out

in the bottom of the 9th
of game 7.

I'm at home, giving the finger

to a lady in a wheelchair
who's 104.

Yeah, that was a great--

Yeah, let's put her
in the fucking bullpen

for middle relief.

She's got great junk.
Fucking--

And nothing's just
for adults anymore, right?

We got to to work our kids
into everything, right?

This is what they do
on New England Sports Network.

They take a boy or a girl
out of the audience,

age anywhere from 6 to 15,
boy or girl--

God forbid it was just boys.

I don't remember too many chicks
playing Major League Baseball.

We had the black little girl
from Philly in Little League.

What was her name?
Exactly my point.

Back to the fucking joke.
Anyways...

They have them read
the opposing lineup on camera--

of the Red Sox opposing team.

And they're like, "Oh, let's get
little Dougie DeLuca"...

[chuckles]

"Out of Nashua, New Hampshire.

"He's 15 years old,
reading at a second-grade level,

"'cause he has a touch
of autism.

"We wouldn't have it
any other way

here on New England
Sports Network."

You couple that with the fact
that half the Blue Jays lineup

is from the Dominican Republic.

This makes
for an uncomfortable 45 minutes.

The kid's literally going,

"Leading off and playing
second base, Jose Pepasusi--

Jose Pedadusi"--

[mumbling incoherently]

You can hear Jerry Remy,
the Red Sox announcer, laughing.

He's like, "What the fuck?
We got a game to do."

The kid's supposed to get
through all nine batters.

They come back
in the fifth inning.

He's on the cleanup slot.

And then when he's done,
the Red Sox announcers

have to go,
"Nice job, Kevin."

Yeah, that's right.

Encourage the kid to go
into fucking broadcasting.

I'm sure that's how my dad
would've handled it in 1972.

I would've come off camera,

and my father
would've been waiting for me.

"Hey, fuckface, I want to talk
to you. Get over here.

"You sound like
a tongue-tied douche bag.

You doing your phonics?
What are you doing, asshole?"

Now that was good parenting.
Look how I turned out.

[scattered cheers]

54, losing money, selling coke
to schoolchildren--

look how I turned out.

Here's a symptom of
a politically correct society.

Here's a phrase
that makes me angry--

like there's any that don't,
but this one especially.

You ever hear people--they'll be
talking about some guy,

some random guy, and they go,
"He's a great guy.

Never has a bad word to say
about anybody."

That doesn't make him
a great guy.

It makes him a phony fuck
is what it makes him.

Who doesn't have a bad word
to say about anybody?

I can't stop
bad-mouthing people.

I'll be in my car on a rainy day
at a red light.

I'm like, "Oh, look at this fat
fuck with a tiny umbrella."

[laughs]

"Yeah, good luck keeping
that muffin top dry, shithead."

[laughing mockingly]

"Oh, there's an 18-year-old
Dominican in a $90,000 Lexus.

I'm sure he's a dentist.
Ha. Yeah."

My cell phone rings.
It's my wife.

"What the fuck's
this whore want?

Can you leave me alone
for five minutes, bitch?"

Who doesn't have a bad word
to say about anybody?

Nobody.
We all bad-mouth people.

Nick, what do you think
of Hitler?

Well, he's kind of grouchy,
but he had a good work ethic.

What do you think of Ted Bundy?

Well, he hated women, but he was
a snappy dresser, God damn it.

What do you think
of John Wayne Gacy?

Well, he fucked a few
Cub Scouts, but he could paint.

You know, even my dentist
is politically correct.

I'm sitting in the dentist chair
waiting for him to come in.

He's got a poster on the wall.

It was the most politically
correct horseshit

I have ever read.

It was making me
physically angry.

I'm fucking sitting there,

gritting my three teeth
that he's about to pull out.

It's a poster, and the title
of the poster was

"Life's Little Instructions:
How to Be a Good Person

and Enjoy Your Life
at the Same Time."

And there was
100 things listed.

I read every one of them.

I am proud to say I haven't done
one in 54 fucking years,

not even close.

[laughs]

The first one was,
"When you meet somebody,

treat them the way
you'd want them to treat you."

Yeah, I'm gonna spend an hour
blowing a Jehovah's Witness

and making him a BLT.

[laughter]

That's one of my favorites.
God bless you.

The next one was, "Always be the
first person to say 'hello.'"

That's good advice if you
and your best friend

are trying to fuck
the same waitress.

"Never refuse
an outstretched hand."

Even if it's
a really chubby one

coming from
behind a shower curtain

of a girl I picked up
in a dark bar three hours ago?

She's like, "Get in."
I'm like, "Fuck that.

"I can't even see your knuckles.
I'm not getting in there.

You got a sugar problem, bitch.
Where's my jacket?"

Here's my favorite one.

"At least once a year,

take the time to enjoy a sunrise
and a sunset."

Well, thanks to
my Virginia ham-sized prostate,

I can do both of those
during one piss.

Here's another good one.

"Never refuse
homemade brownies."

That's they type of advice
that kept Jerry Sandusky

in business for 20 years,
isn't it?

"Never refuse
homemade brownies"?

It depends who's offering
the brownies.

If it's a homeless guy
coming out of a Dumpster

in his underwear,
I'll take a pass.

If it's Willie Nelson's
bass player, I'll take a dozen.

[chuckles]

"Always sing in the shower."

Even if I'm in prison...

surrounded by ten black guys
with hard-ons?

Yeah, let me belt out something
from "The Lion King."

Why it got to be black guys
in that joke?

Okay, three Jews
are trying to rape me

in a state prison shower,
and they're all my lawyers.

Anyways, back--
[laughter]

Hey, Long Island,
that one's for you.

[cheers and applause]

"Always wave to children
on a school bus."

Even if the judge
told me not to?

[chuckles]

Beep, beep.
Hey, Billy.

I got some brownies for you.
Let me meet you on Maple Street.

Let me be the first
to say hello.

Wear the tight red shorts
I like so much.

Okay, talk to you soon.
Bye-bye.

That was the most politically
correct shit I've ever read.

The only thing more
politically correct than that

is that sign that you see
all over the city now

and all over--
no matter where you go.

If you see something,
say something.

Boy, I sleep like a lamb

knowing ISIS will be scared
shitless from that, huh?

Couple Arabs are setting up
a bomb in Times Square.

"Uh-oh."
"Ahmed, what's the matter?"

"The sign.
If they see something,

"they're going to tell on us.

"We better get
the fucking thing.

We can't do this today."

If you see something--

Is that not the most insulting
politically correct horseshit

you have ever heard?

Only in 2016 in America
would we even think

that's gonna fucking help
a little bit.

If you see something,
say something.

You know what
they really want to say--

"If you see a greasy-looking
Arab buying a pressure cooker,

hit him in the head
with a rock."

But they can't fit that on
a bumper sticker or a hat, so...

That makes me angry.
That stupid slo--

I call 311 in New York City.

I bust their balls
about the slogan,

about how general and stupid--

311. What's your emergency?

Yeah, I just saw something.
I'd like to say something.

What did you see, sir?

I saw a butterfly land on
a guy's hat a couple years ago.

That's hardly
an emergency, sir.

You didn't say anything
about emergency.

It fucking didn't say that
on that sign.

You made up the stupid slogan,
not me, bitch.

What are you yelling--
Hello? Hello? Hello?

Call back five minutes later.

311. What's your emergency?

Yeah, I just saw something.

I'd like to say
something again.

What did you see, sir?

I saw a young fella putting way
too much relish on a hot dog.

That's hardly an emergency.

Bullshit!
This guy's a fat fuck.

You know how much sodium
is in a package of relish?

I Googled it.

Guy's got bigger tits than you.

Get down here and help him,
God damn it.

I demand--
Hello? Hello? Hello?

I'm trying to help you, bitch.
Hello?

Then I wait a couple days.
I don't want to get busted.

311. What's your emergency?

Yeah, I'd like to say something
because I just saw something.

I reverse it. That way, they
don't know it's me this time.

What did you see, sir?

I saw a traffic cop who looked
just like Fred Gwynne

from "The Munsters."

[laughing]
That's a true story.

I really did.

I almost hit a car
in front of me looking at--

I actually did see
something once,

about a year and half ago,
Times Square,

and I did say something,

'cause I wanted to be labeled
a bigot the rest of my life.

I see four guys, four Muslims,
48th and 9th,

like, 1:30 in the afternoon.

They have the back
of a minivan open.

They're pulling a box out.

It says "pressure cooker"
on the fucking box.

Now, I know you liberal faggots
wouldn't make the phone call

because you might be
prejudging somebody.

God, is that racist, huh?

Oh, boy, we'd rather watch
innocent people blow up

than be called a racist, right?

I was on the phone tout suite.

311. What's your emergency?

I go, "I see four Muslims
at, like, 48th and 9th

I think it is."

And I knew they were Muslims,
'cause it's 11 degrees.

They have sandals on, you know,
little shit like that.

And I go,
"They're taking a box--"

They got here from Yemen
about six minutes ago, I'd say.

Fucking they--

There's sheep's blood
on their clothing and fucking--

Sheep's or Jew blood.

I wasn't sure
what it was, but...

I go, "They're taking a box out.
It says 'pressure cooker'"--

The lady goes, "Do you think
it's an explosive device, sir?"

I go, "I don't know.
It's four Muslims.

I doubt they're making
pulled pork

in that fucking thing tonight."

"I don't know. What's the recipe
for Yankee pot roast?

"Does it involve dynamite,
an alarm clock, and gravy?

What is it?"

We are finished as a fuc--

We really are finished--
this country. I'm nervous.

We are fucking--
I mean--

My wife is watching
the Kardashians the other night.

I had never seen the show.
I sat down.

I watched about--
Yeah, finally something

the fellas can relate to,
this joke.

I appreciate that.

They're high-fiving each other.

For Christ's sake,
finally something

that I can laugh at.

I watched five minutes
of the Kardashians.

About two minutes into it,
I had this thought--

"Maybe ISIS has a point."

I don't think I'd mind seeing
Khloe's head

rolling down Wilshire Boulevard

with a Gucci wallet
stuck in her fat fucking face.

Aren't the Kardashians

everything that Islam hates
about us--

just money-grubbing, shallow,
"spiritualish" fucking whores?

Yes, Riverhead.
Yes, the answer is yes.

[cheers and applause]

Don't get me wrong.

I don't want you
to get the wrong idea up here.

Don't get me wrong.

I don't want to live
in an ISIS world.

I don't want to live in a world
where they throw acid

in a little girl's face
who wants to go to school.

But I don't want to live
in a world

where somebody like
Kim Kardashian is a billionaire

'cause the thing she shits out
of is shaped like a giant peach.

Isn't there a happy medium
between the two worlds?

Can I throw hot cocoa
in a little girl's face

who has a Kardashian lunch box?

Wouldn't that be fair?

ISIS make me look liberal,
for Christ's sake.

They're a little conservative,
aren't they, those fellas?

They're throwing gay guys

off the tops of buildings
over there.

Imagine if we did that
in New York City.

It'd be raining men
for three weeks.

Sam Champion comes on.

"Let's take a look
at the forecast outside."

Holy shit. My life partner,
Dave, just flew out a window.

What the--Christ.

I hope he doesn't bruise
that perfect little ass of his.

Here's Mike with sports.

[chuckles]

I don't want to live in a world

where they throw gay guys
off the tops of buildings.

But I don't want to live
in a world

where I'm watching the
Halloween parade in the Village,

and a midget sticks a thumb up
my ass and runs away laughing.

That's a true story, folks.

That's a true story.
What a night I had.

Boy, was I drunk, and, boy,
did it feel kind of good.

Listen, I--

No, it was horrible.
I was screaming.

Nobody could hear me 'cause
I had my Nurse Jackie mask on.

I mean,
it was just a horrible--

[scattered laughter]

That's the best part
of the joke.

Nobody gets it over fucking 50.

[groans]
What is "Nurse Jackie"?

[mumbles]

The Kardashians--my goodness.

What else did I learn
watching the Kardashians?

Oh, I noticed the Kardashian
girls enjoy black cock.

Anybody pick up on this?

They really enjoy that
black snake, I noticed, huh?

Especially that Kim.

Yum, yum, she loves
that black snake.

Yum, yum, yum.
Yum, yum.

Why is that wrong to say?

If you like cock,
you go with the best.

Am I right, fellas?
Am I right?

It's getting rave reviews
on Yelp.

I mean, who's to--

Kim Kardashian,
lot of black cock.

Good for her.

You know,
after her last pap smear,

they solved 22 murders
in the Los Angeles area.

[laughter]

Yeah. Now you know
who you came to see.

That's right, sir.
Don't clap.

You couldn't even think
that joke up in a million years.

Anyways...

[laughs]

If that gets cut
out of the special,

I will be protesting, okay?

That's my favorite joke.

I did it during a roast,

and I'll keep it in
until I'm finally kicked

out of this thing
they call show business.

The Kardashians, yeah.

Fucking Bruce, Caitlyn.

What's his name--Ted, Sharon?
I don't know what the fuck--

Michelle, Michael, Kevin?

Saw Caitlyn on TV--
my wife the other night.

She goes like this--she goes,
"He makes a beautiful woman."

I go, "Let's analyze
that sentence, fuckface."

He makes--
He still has a penis.

He's a fucking guy.

I don't give a shit
hat you're telling me.

I drive a Toyota.

I put a Mercedes emblem
on the hood,

it's still
a fucking Toyota, folks.

Just lift the hood
and look at the parts.

It's very easy.

[mockingly]
He makes a beautiful woman.

Is that a beautiful woman
in 2016?

Millennial guys, is that
what you're looking for--

a chick with shoulders
like James Caan,

fucking feet like Gronkowski,
neck like Hillary?

Yeah, put on
that one-piece, Caitlyn.

I'm getting hard
as a shark's tooth.

You look beautiful.

Jump into the hot tub,
you crazy bitch/fella.

He does look better now
than he did

during the Diane Sawyer
interview.

Back then, he was in between.
He was in the larva stage.

He wasn't a caterpillar.
He wasn't a butterfly.

He looked like a prostitute
caught in a fire in 1928.

Let me show you my black skirt.

I'm gonna show everybody my
pussy in a couple years, Diane.

♪ La la la la la ♪

Still love him.
Doesn't affect me.

Who gives a shit, right?

At least that's
what I'm supposed to say,

or I get kicked
out of Hollywood.

No, I do.
It doesn't--it doesn't--

Bruce Jenner--
I mean, he was my idol.

I was 14 years old.

I had a poster of him
in my bedroom.

I had to take it down
last night.

I mean, Jesus Christ.
How do you think I feel?

[laughs]

That transgender thing--
you liberals--

Man, you can complicate
anything.

People don't know
what bathroom to use now.

They're at a fucking nightclub.

I was at a dance club
in Manhattan a couple weeks ago.

Here's the ladies' room.

Here's the men's room
right next to it.

There was a pile of shit
in between the two doors.

A big pile of shit with a tampon
and a fake mustache stuck in it

and cigarettes
and lipstick and...

Some guy in a miniskirt going,

"I don't know.
I got to take a dump.

"But there's a line
in the men's room.

I feel like Sharon tonight.
I think I'm gonna go pee-pee."

It does get confusing,
you know?

But I'm start--
I evolved on that.

I really do believe
there's a spectrum of sex--

It's not just a guy and a girl.

There's a lot of shit
in between.

You've seen them.
Come on.

My buddy goes--The other day
I said something.

My buddy goes, "I don't know.
Does a bear shit in the woods?"

I go, "I don't know.
Does he identify as a bear?"

Maybe he thinks
he's an eagle tonight.

Somebody get my umbrella,
if that's the case.

[chuckles]
We're a violent society.

And it's just--it's all coming
apart at the seams,

isn't it, folks?

It really is.
The NFL--

You ever watch the NFL Draft?
I'm watching it this year.

I'm watching the Draft,
and they go like this--

In April, the NFL Draft--
they go,

"This is Eric Smith.

"He's nose tackle
out of the University of Texas.

"6'3", 285 pounds.

"He's runs a 4.6 40,
bench-presses 580 pounds.

"But he killed his girlfriend

"with a butter dish
two weeks ago.

So he's gonna drop two notches
in the second round."

That shit is still going on,
even after Ray Ri--

How about the kicker
for the fucking Giants?

That's your worst nightmare--

if you're a woman, you're
married to a fucking batterer,

and he's a kicker,
a professional kicker.

Fucking wake up,
he's got your head on a tee.

He's going like this...

So I'm like,
"Why did Ray Rice--

Why did they come down
on him so hard?"

She was getting a little lippy.
I watched it, like, 50 time--

I'm fucking kidding.
Relax, feminist whores.

Anyway...

Is Ray Rice the only guy

that doesn't know
there's cameras in an elevator?

Is he the only guy
that doesn't know

there's cameras
in a fucking ele--

If I learned anything
from that incident,

if I'm gonna punch my wife
in the face,

I'm taking the escalator
that night.

I'm not gonna hit
my fucking wife.

But, yeah, Ray Rice,
what a fucking dope.

You know where
I think he fucked up--

when he tried to drag her
out of there by her ankles...

like he just caught a bluefin
tuna on the docks of Montauk.

Did he think nobody
was gonna recognize him?

What the fuck y'all looking at?
Bitch is exhausted.

[laughter]

What the fuck was he thinking?

Alls he had to do was prop her
up next to the nickel slots

and put a hat and sunglasses on
her like "Weekend at Bernie's."

Every few minutes he'd go
like this with her arm.

Holy, shit three sevens, Janay.
How ironic.

They deserve each other.

Of course the feminists
have to get involved.

A man should never, ever put
his hands on a woman ever.

Really? Never?

I got a broad coming at me
that looks like Precious

with a broken Heineken bottle
in her hand...

I'm not gonna try to drop her
like a used rubber?

Sure I am.

You women fought hard
for that fucking freedom.

Enjoy it.

I'm kidding.

Fucking Ray Rice.

[sighs]
You know he's a thug,

'cause he asked her
to marry him,

like, three weeks
after that incident.

Like she's ever gonna say no

to any of his requests
ever again.

Janay, will you marry me?

Oh, sure.
A match made in Heaven, Ray.

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

♪ No feeling in her left side ♪

[humming]

Hey, Ray, is there gonna be
rehab equipment at the hotel?

I can't feel my ass and feet.
[mumbles]

Black guys are tough.
They're tough dudes.

I see why they grow up
with a chip on their shoulder,

'cause I see
how they're raised.

I'm in New York City,

and I'm on a subway train,

and...

we pull into the stop.

The doors open,

and there's a black woman
running for the subway,

pushing, like, a three-year-old
kid in the stroller,

and the doors
are about to slam shut,

so, naturally,
she does the right thing

and sticks the stroller
between the doors.

The things were opening
and closing on this kid

for, like, three minutes.

Fucking everybody's
belly-laughing on the train.

The kid's not even flinching.

He's, like, sucking
on a lollipop.

Another day in the hood,
I guess.

What am I,
a fucking doorstop today?

Just fucking--You could see
the hate in his eyes already.

Jesus Christ, Ma.

I was next to two black guys.

We couldn't stop
fucking laughing.

We get on the train, and I'm
watching the little black kid.

He starts to grab
this woman's scarf.

And this is what
the black mom says

to the three-year-old black kid
in the stroller.

"LeSean, do that again,
I will knock you the fuck out."

That is not something you say

to a three-year-old
in a stroller.

That's something you say
to your roommates

if you catch them sniffing
your girlfriend's panties

or somebody eats
your Chinese food

out of the fridge at midnight

or if your wife gets lippy
on an elevator in Atlantic City.

That's when you say
shit like that.

Three years old--
"I will knock you the fuck out!"

You don't see white moms
saying that.

I don't remember
Carol Brady going,

"Bobby, you call Alice
a dyke again,

I will knock you
the fuck out."

When I was a little kid
and I used to misbehave,

my mother would say, "Wait
till your father gets home,"

but that's not an option
for a black chick.

Let's be honest.

[crowd moans]

[cheers and applause]

Few honest people clapping,
the rest of yous moaning.

Yeah, where could
I find the stats

to back up that statistic
in that joke?

Boy, boy, did I pull that one
out of my ass, huh?

If I'm a black kid,
my mother goes,

"Wait till your father
gets home,"

I'm gonna go, "What's he doing,
18 to 20 this stretch?

"I'll be 44 years old.

I'll kick the shit
out of him for you, okay?"

Anyhow, I got to wrap it up.

This has been
fucking great, folks.

Seriously. Thank you so much.
You made this such a great--

[cheers and applause]

I'm gonna--
[man shouts]

I'm gonna go from here
right to Shirley

and score some methamphetamines.

I'm serious.

I'm so tired during the day
with the insomnia.

I fucking need
a little... vrrt!

I got a few friends
that do meth.

They're very productive.

They're smiley, jumping around,

have the personalities
my dad wanted me to have.

It's fucking frustrating.

Three people get that.
All right.

I think meth would be my drug
if I did drugs.

You know why?
It's... [laughs]

You can--

I'm a pretty good cook.

I was great in chemistry
in high school, you know.

The only reason
I won't do meth--

I don't want the teeth
of a 40-year-old squirrel.

You ever see
a meth addict's teeth?

Holy shit.
Every other tooth is black.

They're going
in 50 different directions.

When they smile at you,

it looks like somebody
knocked over a chessboard.

I'll suck your dick behind that
Dumpster for a veggie wrap, man.

I got to get
some minerals in me.

Methamphetamine, man.

You ever watch
that show "Jail"?

It's like "Cops," only
it's the drunk tank in Vegas.

Everybody there arrested
on a Friday night is on meth--

every fucking one.

And they keep the mug shots
of these guys

they've been arresting
for, like, 20 years.

This one guy, they arrest him.

First time they arrest him,
he looked like a young Elvis--

nice hair, beautiful teeth.

Fucking about
a year later, right,

he's got just one pigtail
coming out of the top,

glass eye, cigarette burn
on his nose.

And then by, like,
the fifth year,

it's just a skull with a Yankees
cap and a cigarette.

Fucking...

But I got fascinated with meth
after that show.

"Breaking Bad"--

was that supposed to deter me
from doing meth?

It was, like,
a four-year commercial.

I can't wait to try this shit.

The guy in that show had cancer.
He was fighting drug cartels.

I get the fucking--you know,
I get a little bit of a cold,

I'm laying on the couch

watching "Friends" reruns
like a pussy for three weeks.

Let's break out the crank.

What the fuck?
Let's try this shit.

You know who came up with it?
Everybody thinks it's the Nazis.

It was the Japanese military
in World War II.

They used to give it
to kamikaze pilots.

[chuckles] Let's think
about that for a second.

That's how crazy meth
will make you.

You'll get into a plane
and blow yourself up.

Now people are taking this shit

to hang out in Vegas
on a Tuesday night.

Replace that Japanese pilot
with a Metallica fan.

That's who's drinks you're gonna
knock over at the Tropicana.

Good luck fighting
that motherfucker.

I watched a whole documentary
on meth,

and the guy kept saying this
during the documentary--

"It's as easy as making
chocolate-chip cookies."

[laughing]
No, it's not.

My mother used to make us
chocolate-chip cookies.

I don't remember her going,

"Nicky, can you get
my hazmat suit and my gas mask

and set up the kit
in the garage?"

And if she got
the ingredients wrong,

she didn't burn off her nipples
and eyebrows.

Comes limping in with
a water blister on her forehead.

Too much sulfuric acid
in the blondies.

That's the good thing
about meth.

You can buy it
on the street premade,

or you can cook it
from scratch at home.

You think meth addicts
look at meth

the same way Italians do
tomato sauce?

You're buying
your shit premade?

What are you,
a hillbilly gavone?

Jesus Christ.

[chuckles]

You know who had
a wicked meth problem?

I'm not making this shit up--
a whole book about it.

JFK, the President, was hooked
on methamphetamines.

He had a bad back,
if you remember.

They said it was a war injury.

I think it was from Marilyn

sitting on his face
12 hours at a time, but...

And a doctor used to come
to the White House,

a Dr. Feelgood, Dr. Jacobson,
and give him a B12 shot

twice a week.

Wink, wink, B12, folks.
B fucking...

They said he was strung out
on that shit.

I would've loved to have been
a fly on the wall

in that White House.

Jackie, I need you to go
to the hardware store.

I need 5,000 flasks,
12,000 cough drops,

sulfuric acid, lye.

Never mind what for.

Goes in the bathroom
on Thanksgiving,

comes out five minutes later,

"Who wants to play football
in the yard?"

Hey, I had a great time tonight.
Thank you guys so much.

Riverhead, I can't tell you
how much this means to me,

for you guys to come out.

Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you!

[rock music]

♪ ♪