Original subtitles

[rock music]

- Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome the man you came to see--

the one and only Nick DiPaolo.

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, Long Island!

Yeah!

Welcome to my big special.

[cheers and applause continue]

Thank you. Look at this--beautiful.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause continue]

All right!

Let's not overdo it, huh? All right.

I had to train for, like, you know, a year

to do this show tonight, and, uh...

I can't lose the-- I can't.

You know, I'm 54.

I have the metabolism that just doesn't fucking move.

I did P90X. You're supposed to do that for three months.

I did it for a year and a half.

Nobody told me it would turn my hips and knees

into a fine powder.

You should hear my hips and ass bones

I'm coming down the stairs in the morning.

It sounds like I'm walking on Bubble Wrap.

Jesus Christ, what the hell's that popping and snapping shit?

My buddy goes, "You got to do the 30-minute INSANITY workout

with Shaun T," you know, the gay black fella.

He's...

[imitating Shaun T] You got to stay focused.

Welcome to 30-minute INSANITY.

You got to get some abs up in here.

You want to meet a confused Cub Scout, you got to get ripped.

Know what I'm saying?

[laughter]

[normal voice] I'm making fun of this guy.

Meanwhile, he's got the lung capacity of a blue whale.

I can't keep up with this fucking guy.

I make fun of people.

I used to make fun of people who did this shit--

you know, worked out in their living rooms.

I'm like, "How faggy is that?"

Now I can't even keep up with these people, you know?

He's got all these broads behind him.

They're, like, in their late teens.

I'm doing the modified version of the exercise.

You know, they always have the one chubby chick up front

doing the modified version.

Everybody behind us are doing one-arm push-ups.

Me and Catherine are going...

Yeah, this what the Navy SEALs do to get ripped, I think.

Is this what Belichick has the Pats doing in training camp?

[chuckles]

And I take it out on her-- this heavyset girl.

I'm so old and bitter, I can't keep up with her.

Shaun T's like, "Now Catherine's on all fours."

I'm like, "Yeah, for the first time in her fucking life."

[laughs]

No need to say that.

[chuckles]

Meanwhile, he's got these girls behind him.

They're, like, 22. They have negative body fat.

They're in the tightest panties you've ever seen.

Six minutes into the workout, I'm on the couch

with my pants down, going, "Yeah, this is great.

"I heard this is, like, 450 calories.

"I read that in 'Esquire' magazine.

"Yeah, Johnny Depp said that or some shit.

"What? What am I gonna do pull-ups for?

"This feels much better. I got to be honest.

I'm really gonna get shredded, I'll tell you."

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm pretty healthy.

I have to work out during the day,

'cause I can't sleep.

I have the horrible insomnia.

And everybody I tell this to--

they always ask me the same question.

They go, "Have you tried warm milk?"

Uh, no, I haven't, for a couple reasons.

Number one, it's not 1966 anymore.

Number two, I'm not a fucking 3-day-old kitten.

Have I tried warm milk?

Yeah, I saw a lady breast-feeding

at the mall today, and...

I went up to her. I said, "I notice you have one open."

Next thing you know, I'm out like a light

in front of the Yarn Barn for 2 1/2 hours.

Warm milk--I'd rather be up for 10 years straight

than drink warm milk.

Who likes the taste of warm milk?

Brand-new babies and gay guys, right?

Exactly.

Fellas, no offense, all right?

I see you giving me the stink eye.

You're a couple of handsome fellas up front.

You both got over-tight shirts on, but let's go with it, huh?

Let's play. I'm just--

I got more gay friends than Kelly Ripa.

I'm in show business, for Christ's sake.

Don't...

Fucking warm milk.

My buddy goes, "Have you tried chamomile tea?"

How gay a suggestion is that coming out of a guy?

I go, "Why don't you just suck my dick?

"I'll pass out in about three minutes...

Dave."

Chamomile tea.

All the cures for insomnia are very effeminate.

Have you tried rubbing yogurt on your taint

while you're doing a word scramble?

[laughter]

There's no macho cures, you know?

Nobody ever goes, "Have you tried snorting Valium,

drinking Jack Daniel's, and jerking off twice?"

As a matter of fact, I have,

and I'm still tossing and turning at night.

That's why I don't think

a bottle of Yoo-hoo at room temperature

is gonna do the trick.

[chuckles]

Have you tried chamomile tea?

I mean, what, are you shitting me?

So I'm up all night, folks. I'm exhausted.

I'm watching infomercials from midnight till the sun comes up.

I have them memorized.

I know more about Cindy Crawford's oily skin

than her fucking doctor does at this point.

Cindy wants us to believe she couldn't get laid in high school

'cause she had a greasy forehead.

Can you imagine an 18-year-old Cindy Crawford?

How fucking hot she--

I just picture a couple of fat guys in the locker room.

Hey, you know that hot chick Cindy Crawford?

She wants to fuck you.

Yeah, but she's got that big zit between her nose.

I can't get past that.

Jesus Christ.

I'm wide awake.

I'm calling QVC just to fucking kill time.

I'm ordering porcelain dolls 100 at a time.

I'll take the Japanese one with yellow shoes for $59.95.

No, I'm not a racist. I said, "Japanese."

What the fuck's your problem?

Last week I ordered Power Love Ballads of the '70s.

I got 12 hours of Air Supply on my cell phone now.

[chuckles]

The worst infomercial when you can't sleep that comes on--

that goddamn psycho from My Pillow, that fucking freak.

How big is this guy's advertising budget?

Jesus Christ!

Anybody else think he's got the bones

of small children buried under his house

somewhere in Cleveland?

That guy creeps me out.

He looks like a pedophile

with that big fucking porno mustache from the '70s,

giant crucifix, silky blue shirt.

He's holding the pillow like it's a child

that washed up on a shore in fucking Syria somewhere.

Hi. How are you?

I'm Mike Lindell, inventor of My Pillow,

and thanks to my patented fill that'll muffle the screams

of any 12-year-old boy or girl...

[laughter]

I made it machine washable to get rid of that pesky DNA.

I made it right here in my home state of Minnesota,

'cause I have felonies out in all 50 states.

You know he's got, like, 12 underage Asian girls

tied to a loan in his basement.

I need 20 more by Wednesday!

Ting-a tang-a dow!

Don't get mouthy with me.

I'll open it. Thank you, staff.

Anyways...

I'm kidding. I'm no fucking diva.

Anyways...

How about a hand for them

letting me do this here, by the way?

They've been so good to me. Seriously.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, so I tried Ambien.

My friend said, "You got to do it.

If you can't sleep, take Ambien."

That's a nice pill. Have you tried that?

It's a combination of Clorox and Devil's semen, I think.

That is the most heinous shit I've ever put in my body.

If I found a needle in an alley tonight,

I'd stick that into the head of my dick to knock myself out

before I take another Ambien.

It wiped my memory out for 72 hours.

I come down the stairs in my robe.

I look like Nicholson at the end of "Cuckoo's Nest"

after the lobotomy.

[laughter]

My wife goes, "You want coffee?"

I go, "Who the fuck are you?

"Get out of my house, bitch.

Get out! I'm calling the cops!"

My neighbor calls me at, like, noontime.

He goes, "Hey, do you know you tried to choke out my wife

in your underwear last night in the front lawn?"

I'm like, "Yeah, you're welcome."

That shit made me violent.

Not irritable, fucking, like, almost violent the next day.

I tell my doctor that.

I got, "This stuff is making me almost violent."

This is what my doctor says over the phone, and I quote--

he goes, "Yeah, they really don't know

how that stuff works."

What the fuck did I call-- a Sunoco station?

What did you just say?

They don't know how it works.

Maybe you can ask the coroner next week

when they find me facedown in my tub.

He gave me time-release Ambien.

I don't know anything about medication.

I'm pretty healthy.

Somebody explained to me after I was taking these,

with time-release capsules, there's coatings on the pills,

and they come off every couple hours in your stomach.

I didn't know. I was cutting the Ambien right in half,

getting right to the nougat center.

So, after taking these things, after two minutes,

I'm pissing and shitting myself in my recliner.

I can't feel my feet.

Honey, check the dosage. My ass is numb. Is this right?

I'm crawling across the floor, leaving a piss stain on the rug.

I'm mumbling.

I look like Leonardo DiCaprio in "The Wolf of Wall Street."

Check the dosage! Check the dosage!

It's horrible.

I'm walking around like a fucking zombie all day.

It's not the worst thing--insomnia.

There's a lot of shit out there,

thanks to the borders being wide open, you know this?

They canceled school in Wisconsin--

a middle school last week.

Two kids came to school with leprosy.

Who's the last person to have leprosy?

I think it was Ben Hur's mother, wasn't it?

What the fuck?

Imagine your kid's going to school.

His buddy puts his lunch box down.

His hand breaks off on the handle.

What the fuck?

Oh, no, I don't know what happened.

I don't know. [mumbling]

Fucking leprosy.

Ebola-- two women in Sacramento--

I just read this online. Two women have Ebola.

They're keeping this hush--

Ebola. Ebola.

I was actually hoping to get Ebola,

not a full-blown case.

I've been trying to lose the same 10 pounds

for the last 20 years.

Maybe if I shit blood for 18 months straight,

it might put a dent in my fat gut.

But my metabolism is so slow,

I could get Zika, AIDS, and Ebola for ten years.

They put me on the scale and go, "You put on 22 pounds.

"Have you been cheating on your Ebola diet, Nick?

"We just X-rayed your stomach.

It's filled with blood and fun-size Snickers."

[chuckles]

Ebola. Africa's given some good shit--

Ebola, AIDS, Al Sharpton,

all the things in life that I love.

I put all those three in the same category.

[applause] Anyhow...

Hey, a round of applause from the predominantly white crowd.

All right, let's see if they edit that out.

[laughter]

Let's see if that stays in the show, folks, huh?

[mumbles goofily]

That's why nobody's heard of me after 30 years.

All the funniest shit gets cut on the floor.

Yeah, Ebola. People were panicking.

Last week I'm in my car listening to a radio show,

and this lady calls in to a talk show.

She goes, "So how do we avoid getting the Ebola virus?"

Oh, I don't know.

Don't like a toilet brush at a gas station in Sierra Leone.

Don't blow anybody in the Hyatt hot tub in Gambia.

Don't toss the salad of a warlord from "Burkino" Faso.

Stay in Long Island

and get bladder cancer like the rest of us.

[chuckles]

[chuckles] How do we avoid it?

Obama even got that wrong, too, remember?

He goes, "It'll be very difficult to catch

in the United States."

Two days later that nurse in Texas got a nice...

[coughs, laughs]

She was dressed like Heisenberg in "Breaking Bad,"

and she caught it.

I guess I'm safe in a T-shirt and jeans

on a plane sitting next to a lady from Bangkok

with a live rooster on her lap.

Fucking broad's just sneezed on my omelet twice.

I can see why people panic,

because there's a 70% mortality rate with Ebola.

I'm talking to some guy on the plane.

He's a complete stranger. His face is a foot from mine.

He's about to sentence me to death

if that piece of pork between his front teeth

becomes dislodged during the conversation.

Hi, Nick. I'm headed to Pittsburgh.

Cut to me in a diaper bleeding from my ass and eyeholes.

What happened?

Ah, a guy spit an enchilada on my face. I don't know.

All the disea-- Fucking...

Zika.

Let me get this straight now.

I'm trying to put a positive spin.

People are panicking about Zika.

Let me bring some, you know, logic to the conversa--

Now, do I have this right?

If a pregnant woman gets bit by a fly with Zika,

she's gonna give birth to a baby with a little M&M head.

Am I right so far?

I guess that's kind of bad. I'm not sure.

Now, ladies, I don't know--

Alls I've been hearing my whole life is how childbirth

is the most painful thing anybody can go through.

You see where I'm going with this?

I'm guessing it's because of the baby's head.

That hurts when it comes out, right?

Anybody connecting the dots on this one?

I'm just saying, if I was a girl and about to have my first baby

and I was nervous about how much it was gonna hurt,

I think I'd be in the Bahamas tonight in a swamp naked,

rubbing peanut butter on my tits.

[laughter]

Nine months after the vacation,

she's in the kitchen washing dishes.

She goes to fart, and Todd falls on the kitchen floor.

She doesn't even feel it. Her husband has to point it out.

Hey, the kid's here. Wake up.

Okay, he's got a tiny head. He's in for a life of bullying.

But you still have the pussy of a 14-year-old.

I think we're all-- I think we all win here, no?

I'm Donald Trump, and I approve that message.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah.

[person whistles]

[laughing]

Trump likes pussy. Big deal.

So does Hillary. What's the big deal?

I don't--

I mean...

I'm not gonna get into this right now.

At the end of the show, I might dabble in it.

Relax.

She's been a little sloppy with that personal server.

Fuck, I got two emails from her in my inbox this morning.

[chuckles]

Yeah, Zika--You know what disease is gonna get me, folks?

I'll tell you what's gonna kill me,

and I know this.

You guys know I grew up in Boston.

I'm a die-hard Red Sox fan.

Fucking my dad taught me to hate the Yankees and shit,

but this is-- [man shouts]

The Sox, the fucking So--

This is why I know I'm gonna die of Lou Gehrig's disease.

I just know it.

Lou Gehrig's ghost is gonna kill me.

I fucking know this. It's in my bones.

I didn't realize how much I hated the Yankees

till a couple years ago--

I refused to take the Ice Bucket Challenge

to cure Lou Gehrig's disease.

[laughs]

It's a fatal disease named after a Yankee?

Let that shit spread like wildfire.

I don't give a shit.

That's a PR nightmare for those motherfuckers.

People start dying of Big Papi disease,

I'll dump a bucket of cat piss over my head.

Why am I gonna help Lou Gehrig, for Christ's sake?

He's the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.

You heard him.

You remember that speech. That's what he called himself.

He had, what, a month left to live?

Did "lucky" mean something different back in the '40s?

[chuckles]

Even his friends were in the stands that night,

going, "Did he just say 'lucky'? What the fuck?

"Guy's gonna be dead in about ten minutes.

"Oh, yeah, you're a regular rabbit's foot, Lou.

"Let's go to the track tonight.

"Maybe we'll get you a lottery ticket.

You're on fire. What, is he shitting me?"

But he handled it beautifully,

'cause that was that generation, right?

They had some elegance, some class to them,

not like us selfish assholes.

But he handled that speech beautifully.

He knew he had six months to live.

He's in front of 60,000 people at Yankee Stadium.

He's like, "Today, today, today...

"I consider myself, self, self the luckiest man, man

on the face of the Earth, Earth, Earth, Earth."

I don't think I would've handled it quite that classy.

I found out I had a month left to live.

I'm at Fenway Park, 40,000 people.

I would've been like, "Today, today, today...

"I was fucked in the ass, ass, ass

by God, God, God, God."

[chuckles]

"I was leading the league in RBIs, 'I's, 'I's, 'I's.

"Now I'm shitting blood, blood, blood.

"There is no God, God, God.

Fuck you people, people, people, people."

They're throwing hot dogs at me and Heinekens.

"Shut up. I'm dying, dying, dying.

You're going to hell."

I got mustard in my three strands of hair.

Ah, fucking dying.

[laughs]

All kinds of shit out there.

Here's the disease I'm most afraid of,

and I know-- I pray I don't get this.

Moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.

Have you heard that phrase enough?

I'm almost jealous I don't have it, I'm so interested in it.

You can't get a simple case of it?

It has to be moderate to severe?

If I come in with three red bumps on my nuts,

you're gonna send me away?

Moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.

All kinds of drugs for that.

Even in the drug commercials,

the husband has to be the asshole.

You can't give us a fucking break.

Both men and women get diseas--

Every commercial the guy has the disease.

You know, the Humira commercial I'm talking about?

The wife is laying by the pool quietly,

like the little angel that she is.

And here comes the husband, the asshole,

with the red bathing suit and shitty physique.

He's got an oozing raspberry on his left ass cheek.

How can I turn that clean pool into a Crock-Pot of bacteria?

I know. I'll do a cannonball an inch from my wife's face

and splash her with this leprosy water.

I think that'll get her.

How come the wife can't have the disease?

How come the wife can't come out with a nice tank top on,

some side tit, big, oozing raspberry?

Pwt, pwt. Here you go, Dave.

Pwt, pwt. Here's some moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.

Pwt. Enjoy that.

Those commercials, huh?

Humira cures everything.

Kids with leprosy are rubbing it on their feet.

Flat tires are getting fixed with Humira.

Got a squeaky door? Humira.

Yeah, it's always the fuck--

The first Humira commercial was my favorite.

Remember this one?

Handsome guy, right?

Fucking guy's at the salad bar. He's trying to get food.

Cute girl walks up. They make eye contact.

And then the girl notices his elbow is bubbling

like slice of deep-dish pizza fresh out of the oven.

So she scurries away like the shallow whore that she is.

And he just stands there.

I would've been chasing her, trying to touch her neck.

Hey, hey, have some chickpeas.

I'll make a nice Greek salad. Let me stir these for you.

I got a rash, and you're running away from me?

[chuckles]

Just standing there emasculated.

Every commercial-- it's just so tiring.

Every commercial is gender-neutral.

Every commercial has to be gender-neutral.

I heard this on the radio today, okay?

I swear to God.

The men and women have to be equal

no matter what the commercial is.

This is the commercial.

It goes, "One in four men

"will be diagnosed with prostate cancer this year,

but prostate cancer affects you, too, ladies."

It does? We can't even fucking have that to ourselves.

How does prostate cancer affect women?

I mean, unless you're Caitlyn or Hillary, how the hell does it--

And what they're saying is--

They go on in the commercial to explain,

if a guy has prostate cancer,

his wife or girlfriend's sexual needs aren't gonna get met.

That may or may not be true, but, ladies,

you think you could put your pussy aside for five minutes

while I'm fighting for my life and I'm shitting blood,

my hair's falling out in the sink?

You think you could do that, you selfish little feminist whores?

Could you do that for me, please?

Were feminists that selfish back in the fucking '60s?

No, they weren't.

If they were, "Brian's Song"

would've been a whole different movie, you know?

Brian Piccolo's on his deathbed.

Imagine it's 4th and long, and they won't let me punt.

All of a sudden, you hear a vibrator in the corner.

[imitates vibrator whirring]

I don't give a shit what his white-cell count is.

I'm a person, too.

[imitates vibrator whirring]

You wouldn't hear the opposite commercial, would you?

You wouldn't hear, you know, "One in four women

"will be diagnosed with breast cancer this year,

"but you know what?

"Breast cancer affects you, too, fellas.

"You can't give your girlfriend a pearl necklace

if she has one tit, now, can you?"

Where's that commercial?

See, when we do that commercial, then we're truly equal,

and there's not a bunch of bitches protesting

in front of the goddamn fucking studio.

How politically correct are commercials?

If I see one more commercial for a home-alarm company

where the white guy kicks the front door in

at 3:00 in the morning...

Not just any white actor,

it's the whitest actor they could find.

Apparently Ed Begley Jr.

isn't getting his checks from "St. Elsewhere" anymore,

so he's cat-burgling for a living.

Who the fuck is stealing our silverware?

Fucking who is that-- Lily Munster?

Look at the complexion on that bitch.

It's so tiring. Breast cancer-- I can't--the commercial--

Give me a break.

[sighs] Speaking of breast cancer,

can somebody please cure it

so I don't have to look at my favorite NFL team

dressed like a float at the gay pride parade

every fucking October?

I've been complaining about this for ten years, man, you know?

Finally get the fucking special to say this.

This'll finish my career, this bit, but stay with me.

I'm just saying, it's just so emasculating.

And all that pink stuff-- they tell you

that they sell the socks that the guys wear after the--

That's how they raise-- It's all a crock of shit.

The NFL writes them a check at the beginning of the year

for, like, a half million dollars.

It's just about feminists

sticking their fucking mustachioed faces in my life,

not letting men have anything to themselves.

That's all it is, fellas, okay?

[mumbling goofily]

It's so emasculating.

Your quarterback comes to the line of scrimmage.

He starts yelling out all that macho shit.

Red, 80! Red, 80! Omaha!

Drops back to pass.

He's dressed like "I Dream of Jeannie."

Is that a penalty on the play?

No, his cancer scarf fell off, I think.

That's what happened. [mumbles]

Every commercial. If that's not--

Your team is dressed in pink. And that's all it is.

They're not letting us have October.

It was the only macho month we had.

Your whole team is dressed in pink.

If that's not bad enough,

every commercial during an NFL game is for Viagra,

telling me I can't get it up.

And then the next commercial

is telling me not to sexually abuse women.

Well, which one is it? I'm getting mixed signals.

Am I an impotent little pussy,

or am I a danger to any vagina within 100 miles of my house?

Which one is it?

And who do they have telling me how to treat women?

Ice T, former rapper,

former pimp, by the way.

I'm watching an NFL game.

All of sudden, Ice T pops up, and he goes,

"Don't beat your bitches. Back to the game."

Well, than you, Mr. Ice.

Okay, I can sell pussy. I just can't hit it?

All right, let me write that down.

Appreciate it.

[imitating Ice T] Lemonade, man.

[mumbles]

And those Viagra commercials are the most hateful--

They're just--it's all about emasculation.

We don't need to be told Viagra's--

We know where to fucking get it.

My 20-year-old cousin can make the shit in his tub blindfolded.

He's selling it out of a van. He's a trillionaire.

Seriously, that's a message, fellas,

just reminding you you're impotent.

It's the century of the woman.

Trust me. That's all that's about, okay?

You with me, guy in his late 70s?

You don't need that pill, right? You look like a horny prick.

Yeah? Okay.

It's so emasculating, those commercials.

Do you see the woman they use to sell Viagra

to guys who can't get an erection?

Beautiful British woman laying on a bed,

blue eyes, gorgeous face,

in a nightgown, tits are hanging out.

That's who you use to sell Viagra to guys who can't--

You're taunting these poor bastards.

When you see a commercial late at night

for starving kids in Ethiopia,

the white guy doing the commercial--

he's not eating a foot-long cheesesteak

in front of these kids, is he?

Yeah, send Kimba a nickel. He's starving.

What is this, ciabatta bread? This is delicious.

I've never had a sandwich like this.

Can I get some more fucking basil aioli on this?

Hey, get him away from me. He almost touched my leg.

This is delicious.

Can I get a Heineken?

That's who you use to sell pills to guys who can't get it up?

That's fucking humiliating.

You see the commercial. The lady's laying in the bed.

She's like, "Gentlemen, you're with your favorite lady,

"and the setting is perfect.

And then erectile dysfunction happens again."

"Again"? You had to throw "again" in there?

It wasn't mean enough?

Who the fuck's writing this shit--Rosie O'Donnell?

What do you mean "again"?

What do you mean "again"?

It happened once. I was on mushrooms in college.

Get over it.

Let's not harp on it, for Christ's sake.

Again, and it happens again.

You can't get your little pee-pee up again and again.

And again, you can't get a hard-on.

You're not a man. Ha ha!

How do you think that makes those guys feel,

for Christ's sake?

Ladies, how would you like it? You're watching "The View."

All of a sudden, a commercial comes on with George Clooney

for MONISTAT 7.

Clooney's laying in a bed in his underwear...

all tan, bedroom eyes, candles everywhere.

Looks into the camera.

"Ladies, you're with your favorite hunk,

"and the setting is perfect.

"And then he pulls down your panties,

and the room smells like a can of smoked mussels"...

"Left in the back of a minivan for three weeks in August...

"again and again and again.

"There is no cure. And again.

"It stinks. There's no cure.

You stink, smelly po-po. Again."

You see what I'm saying? We have feelings, too, ladies.

[chuckles goofily]

What's the purpose of these?

What, am I on a runway at LaGuardia?

What the fuck?

And again.

I love women. Don't take this--

I really do. I'm like a 14-year-old kid.

I still get excited, I see tits.

Let me tell you a little titty story.

About a week and a half ago, I'm sitting on my couch at home.

I hear my wife say, "I'm going shopping."

I could've sworn I heard the door slam and everything.

Turns out she didn't even leave the house.

Not only was she still in the house,

she was, like, 12 feet away in the kitchen

reading a magazine quietly,

like the fucking sneak that she is.

That's what happens when you're married

to the same person for that long.

You actually hallucinate about them leaving the house.

So I'm sitting there watching a movie on HBO.

This actress comes on.

So out loud--I'm thinking I'm by myself--

I go, "Nice tits,"

which is kind of creepy to say that out loud

when you're by yourself, but...

So I go, "Nice tits,"

and my wife sticks her miserable face in from the kitchen.

She goes, "What's your obsession with tits, anyways?"

What a dumb question to ask a guy.

What's my obsession with tits?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's because somebody stuck one

in my mouth when I was 3 seconds old,

and it fed me a delicious meal

that kept me alive for the next 24 hours.

I'm no Freud, but I'm pretty sure that would fuck

with a kid's memory for the next 54 years or so.

I'm pretty sure that's why even today when I see a tit,

I start to drool like a Saint Bernard

with his head out the window of a Jeep on a highway somewhere.

[laughter and applause]

And my wife goes, "Well, that's not true."

I'm like, "What do you mean it's not true?"

She goes, "Well, us women, we're breast-fed.

We're not obsessed with tits."

No, you're not obsessed with tits at all.

No, you'll pay a doctor 20 grand to knock you out,

cut your chest open like a Hot Pocket,

and stick in two Ziploc bags

filled with saline and margarita mix...

so you can beat your girlfriend Pam at the wet T-shirt contest

on Sunday.

But I'm the one with the unhealthy attitude towards tits.

I understand.

Would she be happier if I was obsessed with cock?

Sorry. My dad didn't walk around pantless while I was teething.

What if she heard that

coming out of the living room that night?

"Nice dick."

Sticks her face in--"What's your obsession with dicks, anyways?"

I don't know. Maybe it's because somebody stuck one

in my mouth when I was 3 seconds old,

and it fed me a delicious meal

that kept me alive for the next two days.

Maybe that's why. What's your problem?

What are you, homophobic?

[chuckles]

Love tits. I'm an old-fashioned guy.

Still go down on the wife, you know what I mean?

I haven't put a pee-pee in my mouth yet.

I'm the one living the alternative lifestyle.

But anyhow...

This political correctness is killing us.

You know, I watch New England Sports Network.

That's where I watch the Red Sox.

It's the most politically correct channel

on the goddamn TV set.

They talk about cancer every goddamn show

and every game.

And I understand that. You're trying to make it aware.

But there was a time we used to go to Fenway Park

and watch sports as a release to get away from this shit.

So can we keep it on Facebook, please?

Can I have my tits and my porn on my sports,

and you have your pink ribbons and shit over here?

And then I'll come over on Tuesday

and give you 5 bucks, okay?

Can we fucking--

New England Sports Network--

it's the most politically correct.

They keep bringing people out from the 2013 marathon bombing,

which I understand, right?

They keep marching people out in 2014,

which they deserve it.

I'm not saying anything about them.

God bless them--to throw out the first pitch at Fenway Park.

There's people with missing arms and le--

but every goddamn game.

Now they're bringing people out

that were there that really didn't get hurt.

You know, it's 2016.

They're like, "Dougie Smith from Burlington, Vermont--

he lost a wallet that day and two watches."

"Here comes Jean Smith from Chatham, Massachusetts.

"She lost her breath running way from the bombing.

Let's talk to her for 10 minutes."

It's just--they had a lady come out, 104 years old,

in a wheelchair to throw out "the first pitch."

This is what I'm talking about political correctness run amok.

She's 104. She's in a wheelchair.

They put the ball in her lap.

Some guy pushes her out in the wheelchair real fast

and then stops short.

The ball rolled, like, 6 inches from her feet.

Fenway goes crazy, like some guy just struck somebody out

in the bottom of the 9th of game 7.

I'm at home, giving the finger

to a lady in a wheelchair who's 104.

Yeah, that was a great--

Yeah, let's put her in the fucking bullpen

for middle relief.

She's got great junk. Fucking--

And nothing's just for adults anymore, right?

We got to to work our kids into everything, right?

This is what they do on New England Sports Network.

They take a boy or a girl out of the audience,

age anywhere from 6 to 15, boy or girl--

God forbid it was just boys.

I don't remember too many chicks playing Major League Baseball.

We had the black little girl from Philly in Little League.

What was her name? Exactly my point.

Back to the fucking joke. Anyways...

They have them read the opposing lineup on camera--

of the Red Sox opposing team.

And they're like, "Oh, let's get little Dougie DeLuca"...

[chuckles]

"Out of Nashua, New Hampshire.

"He's 15 years old, reading at a second-grade level,

"'cause he has a touch of autism.

"We wouldn't have it any other way

here on New England Sports Network."

You couple that with the fact that half the Blue Jays lineup

is from the Dominican Republic.

This makes for an uncomfortable 45 minutes.

The kid's literally going,

"Leading off and playing second base, Jose Pepasusi--

Jose Pedadusi"--

[mumbling incoherently]

You can hear Jerry Remy, the Red Sox announcer, laughing.

He's like, "What the fuck? We got a game to do."

The kid's supposed to get through all nine batters.

They come back in the fifth inning.

He's on the cleanup slot.

And then when he's done, the Red Sox announcers

have to go, "Nice job, Kevin."

Yeah, that's right.

Encourage the kid to go into fucking broadcasting.

I'm sure that's how my dad would've handled it in 1972.

I would've come off camera,

and my father would've been waiting for me.

"Hey, fuckface, I want to talk to you. Get over here.

"You sound like a tongue-tied douche bag.

You doing your phonics? What are you doing, asshole?"

Now that was good parenting. Look how I turned out.

[scattered cheers]

54, losing money, selling coke to schoolchildren--

look how I turned out.

Here's a symptom of a politically correct society.

Here's a phrase that makes me angry--

like there's any that don't, but this one especially.

You ever hear people--they'll be talking about some guy,

some random guy, and they go, "He's a great guy.

Never has a bad word to say about anybody."

That doesn't make him a great guy.

It makes him a phony fuck is what it makes him.

Who doesn't have a bad word to say about anybody?

I can't stop bad-mouthing people.

I'll be in my car on a rainy day at a red light.

I'm like, "Oh, look at this fat fuck with a tiny umbrella."

[laughs]

"Yeah, good luck keeping that muffin top dry, shithead."

[laughing mockingly]

"Oh, there's an 18-year-old Dominican in a $90,000 Lexus.

I'm sure he's a dentist. Ha. Yeah."

My cell phone rings. It's my wife.

"What the fuck's this whore want?

Can you leave me alone for five minutes, bitch?"

Who doesn't have a bad word to say about anybody?

Nobody. We all bad-mouth people.

Nick, what do you think of Hitler?

Well, he's kind of grouchy, but he had a good work ethic.

What do you think of Ted Bundy?

Well, he hated women, but he was a snappy dresser, God damn it.

What do you think of John Wayne Gacy?

Well, he fucked a few Cub Scouts, but he could paint.

You know, even my dentist is politically correct.

I'm sitting in the dentist chair waiting for him to come in.

He's got a poster on the wall.

It was the most politically correct horseshit

I have ever read.

It was making me physically angry.

I'm fucking sitting there,

gritting my three teeth that he's about to pull out.

It's a poster, and the title of the poster was

"Life's Little Instructions: How to Be a Good Person

and Enjoy Your Life at the Same Time."

And there was 100 things listed.

I read every one of them.

I am proud to say I haven't done one in 54 fucking years,

not even close.

[laughs]

The first one was, "When you meet somebody,

treat them the way you'd want them to treat you."

Yeah, I'm gonna spend an hour blowing a Jehovah's Witness

and making him a BLT.

[laughter]

That's one of my favorites. God bless you.

The next one was, "Always be the first person to say 'hello.'"

That's good advice if you and your best friend

are trying to fuck the same waitress.

"Never refuse an outstretched hand."

Even if it's a really chubby one

coming from behind a shower curtain

of a girl I picked up in a dark bar three hours ago?

She's like, "Get in." I'm like, "Fuck that.

"I can't even see your knuckles. I'm not getting in there.

You got a sugar problem, bitch. Where's my jacket?"

Here's my favorite one.

"At least once a year,

take the time to enjoy a sunrise and a sunset."

Well, thanks to my Virginia ham-sized prostate,

I can do both of those during one piss.

Here's another good one.

"Never refuse homemade brownies."

That's they type of advice that kept Jerry Sandusky

in business for 20 years, isn't it?

"Never refuse homemade brownies"?

It depends who's offering the brownies.

If it's a homeless guy coming out of a Dumpster

in his underwear, I'll take a pass.

If it's Willie Nelson's bass player, I'll take a dozen.

[chuckles]

"Always sing in the shower."

Even if I'm in prison...

surrounded by ten black guys with hard-ons?

Yeah, let me belt out something from "The Lion King."

Why it got to be black guys in that joke?

Okay, three Jews are trying to rape me

in a state prison shower, and they're all my lawyers.

Anyways, back-- [laughter]

Hey, Long Island, that one's for you.

[cheers and applause]

"Always wave to children on a school bus."

Even if the judge told me not to?

[chuckles]

Beep, beep. Hey, Billy.

I got some brownies for you. Let me meet you on Maple Street.

Let me be the first to say hello.

Wear the tight red shorts I like so much.

Okay, talk to you soon. Bye-bye.

That was the most politically correct shit I've ever read.

The only thing more politically correct than that

is that sign that you see all over the city now

and all over-- no matter where you go.

If you see something, say something.

Boy, I sleep like a lamb

knowing ISIS will be scared shitless from that, huh?

Couple Arabs are setting up a bomb in Times Square.

"Uh-oh." "Ahmed, what's the matter?"

"The sign. If they see something,

"they're going to tell on us.

"We better get the fucking thing.

We can't do this today."

If you see something--

Is that not the most insulting politically correct horseshit

you have ever heard?

Only in 2016 in America would we even think

that's gonna fucking help a little bit.

If you see something, say something.

You know what they really want to say--

"If you see a greasy-looking Arab buying a pressure cooker,

hit him in the head with a rock."

But they can't fit that on a bumper sticker or a hat, so...

That makes me angry. That stupid slo--

I call 311 in New York City.

I bust their balls about the slogan,

about how general and stupid--

311. What's your emergency?

Yeah, I just saw something. I'd like to say something.

What did you see, sir?

I saw a butterfly land on a guy's hat a couple years ago.

That's hardly an emergency, sir.

You didn't say anything about emergency.

It fucking didn't say that on that sign.

You made up the stupid slogan, not me, bitch.

What are you yelling-- Hello? Hello? Hello?

Call back five minutes later.

311. What's your emergency?

Yeah, I just saw something.

I'd like to say something again.

What did you see, sir?

I saw a young fella putting way too much relish on a hot dog.

That's hardly an emergency.

Bullshit! This guy's a fat fuck.

You know how much sodium is in a package of relish?

I Googled it.

Guy's got bigger tits than you.

Get down here and help him, God damn it.

I demand-- Hello? Hello? Hello?

I'm trying to help you, bitch. Hello?

Then I wait a couple days. I don't want to get busted.

311. What's your emergency?

Yeah, I'd like to say something because I just saw something.

I reverse it. That way, they don't know it's me this time.

What did you see, sir?

I saw a traffic cop who looked just like Fred Gwynne

from "The Munsters."

[laughing] That's a true story.

I really did.

I almost hit a car in front of me looking at--

I actually did see something once,

about a year and half ago, Times Square,

and I did say something,

'cause I wanted to be labeled a bigot the rest of my life.

I see four guys, four Muslims, 48th and 9th,

like, 1:30 in the afternoon.

They have the back of a minivan open.

They're pulling a box out.

It says "pressure cooker" on the fucking box.

Now, I know you liberal faggots wouldn't make the phone call

because you might be prejudging somebody.

God, is that racist, huh?

Oh, boy, we'd rather watch innocent people blow up

than be called a racist, right?

I was on the phone tout suite.

311. What's your emergency?

I go, "I see four Muslims at, like, 48th and 9th

I think it is."

And I knew they were Muslims, 'cause it's 11 degrees.

They have sandals on, you know, little shit like that.

And I go, "They're taking a box--"

They got here from Yemen about six minutes ago, I'd say.

Fucking they--

There's sheep's blood on their clothing and fucking--

Sheep's or Jew blood.

I wasn't sure what it was, but...

I go, "They're taking a box out. It says 'pressure cooker'"--

The lady goes, "Do you think it's an explosive device, sir?"

I go, "I don't know. It's four Muslims.

I doubt they're making pulled pork

in that fucking thing tonight."

"I don't know. What's the recipe for Yankee pot roast?

"Does it involve dynamite, an alarm clock, and gravy?

What is it?"

We are finished as a fuc--

We really are finished-- this country. I'm nervous.

We are fucking-- I mean--

My wife is watching the Kardashians the other night.

I had never seen the show. I sat down.

I watched about-- Yeah, finally something

the fellas can relate to, this joke.

I appreciate that.

They're high-fiving each other.

For Christ's sake, finally something

that I can laugh at.

I watched five minutes of the Kardashians.

About two minutes into it, I had this thought--

"Maybe ISIS has a point."

I don't think I'd mind seeing Khloe's head

rolling down Wilshire Boulevard

with a Gucci wallet stuck in her fat fucking face.

Aren't the Kardashians

everything that Islam hates about us--

just money-grubbing, shallow, "spiritualish" fucking whores?

Yes, Riverhead. Yes, the answer is yes.

[cheers and applause]

Don't get me wrong.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea up here.

Don't get me wrong.

I don't want to live in an ISIS world.

I don't want to live in a world where they throw acid

in a little girl's face who wants to go to school.

But I don't want to live in a world

where somebody like Kim Kardashian is a billionaire

'cause the thing she shits out of is shaped like a giant peach.

Isn't there a happy medium between the two worlds?

Can I throw hot cocoa in a little girl's face

who has a Kardashian lunch box?

Wouldn't that be fair?

ISIS make me look liberal, for Christ's sake.

They're a little conservative, aren't they, those fellas?

They're throwing gay guys

off the tops of buildings over there.

Imagine if we did that in New York City.

It'd be raining men for three weeks.

Sam Champion comes on.

"Let's take a look at the forecast outside."

Holy shit. My life partner, Dave, just flew out a window.

What the--Christ.

I hope he doesn't bruise that perfect little ass of his.

Here's Mike with sports.

[chuckles]

I don't want to live in a world

where they throw gay guys off the tops of buildings.

But I don't want to live in a world

where I'm watching the Halloween parade in the Village,

and a midget sticks a thumb up my ass and runs away laughing.

That's a true story, folks.

That's a true story. What a night I had.

Boy, was I drunk, and, boy, did it feel kind of good.

Listen, I--

No, it was horrible. I was screaming.

Nobody could hear me 'cause I had my Nurse Jackie mask on.

I mean, it was just a horrible--

[scattered laughter]

That's the best part of the joke.

Nobody gets it over fucking 50.

[groans] What is "Nurse Jackie"?

[mumbles]

The Kardashians--my goodness.

What else did I learn watching the Kardashians?

Oh, I noticed the Kardashian girls enjoy black cock.

Anybody pick up on this?

They really enjoy that black snake, I noticed, huh?

Especially that Kim.

Yum, yum, she loves that black snake.

Yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum.

Why is that wrong to say?

If you like cock, you go with the best.

Am I right, fellas? Am I right?

It's getting rave reviews on Yelp.

I mean, who's to--

Kim Kardashian, lot of black cock.

Good for her.

You know, after her last pap smear,

they solved 22 murders in the Los Angeles area.

[laughter]

Yeah. Now you know who you came to see.

That's right, sir. Don't clap.

You couldn't even think that joke up in a million years.

Anyways...

[laughs]

If that gets cut out of the special,

I will be protesting, okay?

That's my favorite joke.

I did it during a roast,

and I'll keep it in until I'm finally kicked

out of this thing they call show business.

The Kardashians, yeah.

Fucking Bruce, Caitlyn.

What's his name--Ted, Sharon? I don't know what the fuck--

Michelle, Michael, Kevin?

Saw Caitlyn on TV-- my wife the other night.

She goes like this--she goes, "He makes a beautiful woman."

I go, "Let's analyze that sentence, fuckface."

He makes-- He still has a penis.

He's a fucking guy.

I don't give a shit hat you're telling me.

I drive a Toyota.

I put a Mercedes emblem on the hood,

it's still a fucking Toyota, folks.

Just lift the hood and look at the parts.

It's very easy.

[mockingly] He makes a beautiful woman.

Is that a beautiful woman in 2016?

Millennial guys, is that what you're looking for--

a chick with shoulders like James Caan,

fucking feet like Gronkowski, neck like Hillary?

Yeah, put on that one-piece, Caitlyn.

I'm getting hard as a shark's tooth.

You look beautiful.

Jump into the hot tub, you crazy bitch/fella.

He does look better now than he did

during the Diane Sawyer interview.

Back then, he was in between. He was in the larva stage.

He wasn't a caterpillar. He wasn't a butterfly.

He looked like a prostitute caught in a fire in 1928.

Let me show you my black skirt.

I'm gonna show everybody my pussy in a couple years, Diane.

♪ La la la la la ♪

Still love him. Doesn't affect me.

Who gives a shit, right?

At least that's what I'm supposed to say,

or I get kicked out of Hollywood.

No, I do. It doesn't--it doesn't--

Bruce Jenner-- I mean, he was my idol.

I was 14 years old.

I had a poster of him in my bedroom.

I had to take it down last night.

I mean, Jesus Christ. How do you think I feel?

[laughs]

That transgender thing-- you liberals--

Man, you can complicate anything.

People don't know what bathroom to use now.

They're at a fucking nightclub.

I was at a dance club in Manhattan a couple weeks ago.

Here's the ladies' room.

Here's the men's room right next to it.

There was a pile of shit in between the two doors.

A big pile of shit with a tampon and a fake mustache stuck in it

and cigarettes and lipstick and...

Some guy in a miniskirt going,

"I don't know. I got to take a dump.

"But there's a line in the men's room.

I feel like Sharon tonight. I think I'm gonna go pee-pee."

It does get confusing, you know?

But I'm start-- I evolved on that.

I really do believe there's a spectrum of sex--

It's not just a guy and a girl.

There's a lot of shit in between.

You've seen them. Come on.

My buddy goes--The other day I said something.

My buddy goes, "I don't know. Does a bear shit in the woods?"

I go, "I don't know. Does he identify as a bear?"

Maybe he thinks he's an eagle tonight.

Somebody get my umbrella, if that's the case.

[chuckles] We're a violent society.

And it's just--it's all coming apart at the seams,

isn't it, folks?

It really is. The NFL--

You ever watch the NFL Draft? I'm watching it this year.

I'm watching the Draft, and they go like this--

In April, the NFL Draft-- they go,

"This is Eric Smith.

"He's nose tackle out of the University of Texas.

"6'3", 285 pounds.

"He's runs a 4.6 40, bench-presses 580 pounds.

"But he killed his girlfriend

"with a butter dish two weeks ago.

So he's gonna drop two notches in the second round."

That shit is still going on, even after Ray Ri--

How about the kicker for the fucking Giants?

That's your worst nightmare--

if you're a woman, you're married to a fucking batterer,

and he's a kicker, a professional kicker.

Fucking wake up, he's got your head on a tee.

He's going like this...

So I'm like, "Why did Ray Rice--

Why did they come down on him so hard?"

She was getting a little lippy. I watched it, like, 50 time--

I'm fucking kidding. Relax, feminist whores.

Anyway...

Is Ray Rice the only guy

that doesn't know there's cameras in an elevator?

Is he the only guy that doesn't know

there's cameras in a fucking ele--

If I learned anything from that incident,

if I'm gonna punch my wife in the face,

I'm taking the escalator that night.

I'm not gonna hit my fucking wife.

But, yeah, Ray Rice, what a fucking dope.

You know where I think he fucked up--

when he tried to drag her out of there by her ankles...

like he just caught a bluefin tuna on the docks of Montauk.

Did he think nobody was gonna recognize him?

What the fuck y'all looking at? Bitch is exhausted.

[laughter]

What the fuck was he thinking?

Alls he had to do was prop her up next to the nickel slots

and put a hat and sunglasses on her like "Weekend at Bernie's."

Every few minutes he'd go like this with her arm.

Holy, shit three sevens, Janay. How ironic.

They deserve each other.

Of course the feminists have to get involved.

A man should never, ever put his hands on a woman ever.

Really? Never?

I got a broad coming at me that looks like Precious

with a broken Heineken bottle in her hand...

I'm not gonna try to drop her like a used rubber?

Sure I am.

You women fought hard for that fucking freedom.

Enjoy it.

I'm kidding.

Fucking Ray Rice.

[sighs] You know he's a thug,

'cause he asked her to marry him,

like, three weeks after that incident.

Like she's ever gonna say no

to any of his requests ever again.

Janay, will you marry me?

Oh, sure. A match made in Heaven, Ray.

♪ Here comes the bride ♪

♪ No feeling in her left side ♪

[humming]

Hey, Ray, is there gonna be rehab equipment at the hotel?

I can't feel my ass and feet. [mumbles]

Black guys are tough. They're tough dudes.

I see why they grow up with a chip on their shoulder,

'cause I see how they're raised.

I'm in New York City,

and I'm on a subway train,

and...

we pull into the stop.

The doors open,

and there's a black woman running for the subway,

pushing, like, a three-year-old kid in the stroller,

and the doors are about to slam shut,

so, naturally, she does the right thing

and sticks the stroller between the doors.

The things were opening and closing on this kid

for, like, three minutes.

Fucking everybody's belly-laughing on the train.

The kid's not even flinching.

He's, like, sucking on a lollipop.

Another day in the hood, I guess.

What am I, a fucking doorstop today?

Just fucking--You could see the hate in his eyes already.

Jesus Christ, Ma.

I was next to two black guys.

We couldn't stop fucking laughing.

We get on the train, and I'm watching the little black kid.

He starts to grab this woman's scarf.

And this is what the black mom says

to the three-year-old black kid in the stroller.

"LeSean, do that again, I will knock you the fuck out."

That is not something you say

to a three-year-old in a stroller.

That's something you say to your roommates

if you catch them sniffing your girlfriend's panties

or somebody eats your Chinese food

out of the fridge at midnight

or if your wife gets lippy on an elevator in Atlantic City.

That's when you say shit like that.

Three years old-- "I will knock you the fuck out!"

You don't see white moms saying that.

I don't remember Carol Brady going,

"Bobby, you call Alice a dyke again,

I will knock you the fuck out."

When I was a little kid and I used to misbehave,

my mother would say, "Wait till your father gets home,"

but that's not an option for a black chick.

Let's be honest.

[crowd moans]

[cheers and applause]

Few honest people clapping, the rest of yous moaning.

Yeah, where could I find the stats

to back up that statistic in that joke?

Boy, boy, did I pull that one out of my ass, huh?

If I'm a black kid, my mother goes,

"Wait till your father gets home,"

I'm gonna go, "What's he doing, 18 to 20 this stretch?

"I'll be 44 years old.

I'll kick the shit out of him for you, okay?"

Anyhow, I got to wrap it up.

This has been fucking great, folks.

Seriously. Thank you so much. You made this such a great--

[cheers and applause]

I'm gonna-- [man shouts]

I'm gonna go from here right to Shirley

and score some methamphetamines.

I'm serious.

I'm so tired during the day with the insomnia.

I fucking need a little... vrrt!

I got a few friends that do meth.

They're very productive.

They're smiley, jumping around,

have the personalities my dad wanted me to have.

It's fucking frustrating.

Three people get that. All right.

I think meth would be my drug if I did drugs.

You know why? It's... [laughs]

You can--

I'm a pretty good cook.

I was great in chemistry in high school, you know.

The only reason I won't do meth--

I don't want the teeth of a 40-year-old squirrel.

You ever see a meth addict's teeth?

Holy shit. Every other tooth is black.

They're going in 50 different directions.

When they smile at you,

it looks like somebody knocked over a chessboard.

I'll suck your dick behind that Dumpster for a veggie wrap, man.

I got to get some minerals in me.

Methamphetamine, man.

You ever watch that show "Jail"?

It's like "Cops," only it's the drunk tank in Vegas.

Everybody there arrested on a Friday night is on meth--

every fucking one.

And they keep the mug shots of these guys

they've been arresting for, like, 20 years.

This one guy, they arrest him.

First time they arrest him, he looked like a young Elvis--

nice hair, beautiful teeth.

Fucking about a year later, right,

he's got just one pigtail coming out of the top,

glass eye, cigarette burn on his nose.

And then by, like, the fifth year,

it's just a skull with a Yankees cap and a cigarette.

Fucking...

But I got fascinated with meth after that show.

"Breaking Bad"--

was that supposed to deter me from doing meth?

It was, like, a four-year commercial.

I can't wait to try this shit.

The guy in that show had cancer. He was fighting drug cartels.

I get the fucking--you know, I get a little bit of a cold,

I'm laying on the couch

watching "Friends" reruns like a pussy for three weeks.

Let's break out the crank.

What the fuck? Let's try this shit.

You know who came up with it? Everybody thinks it's the Nazis.

It was the Japanese military in World War II.

They used to give it to kamikaze pilots.

[chuckles] Let's think about that for a second.

That's how crazy meth will make you.

You'll get into a plane and blow yourself up.

Now people are taking this shit

to hang out in Vegas on a Tuesday night.

Replace that Japanese pilot with a Metallica fan.

That's who's drinks you're gonna knock over at the Tropicana.

Good luck fighting that motherfucker.

I watched a whole documentary on meth,

and the guy kept saying this during the documentary--

"It's as easy as making chocolate-chip cookies."

[laughing] No, it's not.

My mother used to make us chocolate-chip cookies.

I don't remember her going,

"Nicky, can you get my hazmat suit and my gas mask

and set up the kit in the garage?"

And if she got the ingredients wrong,

she didn't burn off her nipples and eyebrows.

Comes limping in with a water blister on her forehead.

Too much sulfuric acid in the blondies.

That's the good thing about meth.

You can buy it on the street premade,

or you can cook it from scratch at home.

You think meth addicts look at meth

the same way Italians do tomato sauce?

You're buying your shit premade?

What are you, a hillbilly gavone?

Jesus Christ.

[chuckles]

You know who had a wicked meth problem?

I'm not making this shit up-- a whole book about it.

JFK, the President, was hooked on methamphetamines.

He had a bad back, if you remember.

They said it was a war injury.

I think it was from Marilyn

sitting on his face 12 hours at a time, but...

And a doctor used to come to the White House,

a Dr. Feelgood, Dr. Jacobson, and give him a B12 shot

twice a week.

Wink, wink, B12, folks. B fucking...

They said he was strung out on that shit.

I would've loved to have been a fly on the wall

in that White House.

Jackie, I need you to go to the hardware store.

I need 5,000 flasks, 12,000 cough drops,

sulfuric acid, lye.

Never mind what for.

Goes in the bathroom on Thanksgiving,

comes out five minutes later,

"Who wants to play football in the yard?"

Hey, I had a great time tonight. Thank you guys so much.

Riverhead, I can't tell you how much this means to me,

for you guys to come out.

Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you!

[rock music]

♪ ♪