Original subtitles

[♪♪♪]

[WHIRRING]

[TICKING]

I'm late.

I'm late.

[GASPS]

Ready for your speech, Ms. Ryan?

Are you sure you're prepared

this time?

Are you sure you're not

forgetting anything, Jane?

Okay.

Are you sure you're not

forgetting anything, Jane?

WOMAN AT MICROPHONE:

Please welcome

Jane Ryan.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

What?

[GUFFAWING]

[GASPS]

[YELPS]

[SCREAMS]

[ALARM PLAYING

"REVEILLE"]

Just a dream.

[BEEPS]

Morning, Mom.

Miss you.

Morning.

Morning, Dad.

[BLASTING THE BANGLES'

"TEAR OFF YOUR OWN HEAD"]

I'm up.

I'm up.

♪ Who dries your eyes ♪

Hmm.

♪ When you cry real tears? ♪

♪ Who knows or cares

What imitation is? ♪

Hmm.

♪ Only you do ♪

♪ You can paint his nails

Make him wear high heels ♪

[SNIFFS]

Hmm.

♪ Why waste time

Altering the hemline? ♪

♪ Or do you? ♪

♪ Tear off your own head ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Jane Ryan.

My name... is Jane Ryan.

My name is... Jane Ryan.

Good morning, Justin.

Simple Plan shoot,

59th and 9th, New York City.

Making sure you're up.

Yeah, I'm just, uh,

finishing up an essay.

You know,

three weeks into school

and you haven't cut once.

I like what

I'm seeing.

Maybe I won't have

to send you

to Sister Mary Margaret's

after all.

School...

or Simple Plan video shoot?

I'm here today as a finalist

for the McGill Fellowship.

[COUGHS]

♪ Tear off your own head ♪

♪ Tear off your own head ♪

♪ It's a doll revolution ♪

What excuses

shall we use this time, Ringo?

Ringo?

Ringo? Where are you?

Death of a pet?

Religious holiday?

Female problems?

Last week.

Um...

[CLICKS MOUSE]

Illnesses.

Chicken pox.

Print.

Perfect.

Perfect.

♪ Plastic features ♪

♪ You could make somebody

A pretty little wife ♪

♪ But don't let anybody

Tell you how to live your life ♪

♪ Broken pieces ♪

♪ Tear off your own head ♪

[JANE HUMMING]

♪ Tear off your own head ♪

♪ It's a doll revolution ♪

♪ Tear off your own head ♪

♪ Tear off your own head ♪♪

[SCREAMS]

Thank you, New York City!

[SCREAMING]

Ringo, there you are.

Did the wittle, mean wady

scare you?

Yes, I know she did.

[EDWIN STARR'S "WAR" PLAYING]

♪ War! Huh! ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ What is it good for? ♪

♪ Absolutely nothing ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ War! Huh! ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ What is it good for? ♪

♪ Absolutely nothing ♪

♪ Say it again, y'all ♪

♪ War! Huh! ♪

♪ Good Good ♪

♪ What is it good for? ♪♪

Jane.

Why do you insist

on playing mom?

Dad doesn't have

time for breakfast anyway.

Not listening.

[IDLY HUMMING]

How's it going, guys?

Hi.

Hi.

Your breakfast is on the table.

Smells great.

Wait.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

There you go.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Never...

ever...

touch my day planner.

Hello?

Okay, you need to chill

on the nerd book,

okay?

You have issues.

Okay, and how frequent

are the contractions?

Have them head down

to the hospital.

I'll meet them there.

Yeah.

Jane--

No, Dad, it's fine.

No, it's not fine.

I-I know this is your big day,

and I will do

everything I can

to get down to Columbia

to see your speech.

I know you will.

Okay.

Excuse me, Jane. Sorry.

I know this is the biggest day

of your academic career,

but, uh, Dad,

will you sign

my field trip permission form,

please?

Shakespeare in the Park? Great.

Which play?

Oh.

You know, the one

with the girl and the guy,

love, the tights,

the hair.

Romeo and Juliet?

Yeah. Thank you.

I-I totally blanked.

I love that play.

I know. Me too.

Your mom would have been

so proud.

Mm.

Would you mind giving

your sister a lift

over to the station?

Not at all.

You know, it wouldn't kill you

to spend a little time together.

Jane, breakfast

was great,

but I got to go.

I'm sorry.

Okay, well,

then take this,

okay?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Love you.

You too.

Good luck.

I hope you don't get caught.

I won't.

Let's get this show

on the road.

You might want to think

about getting a car wash.

And you might

want to think

about buying

your own car.

I'm saving up for college.

That makes one of us.

Would you mind

putting on the radio?

Not at all.

Ugh. What is this?

[THE DONNAS'

"PLEASE DON'T TEASE" PLAYING]

MAN: "Too cool

for school."

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

♪ Please don't tease ♪

♪ I'm getting down on my knees ♪

♪ Baby, please don't tease ♪♪

[LANGUID JAZZ PLAYING]

JANE: Uh, where

are we going?

We have 26 minutes to get

to the train station.

and I can't be late.

We just have

to make a pit stop

at my manager's.

Wait.

You have a manager?

Howdy, Rox.

Hello.

Come on in.

Thanks.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[WHOOPING]

So how is the party?

It's going great.

We're on a marathon mission.

So I burned you 30.

Check it out.

Thanks.

Why am I on the cover?

Marketing, baby.

You're the hottest one

in the band.

Oh, hey, Roxy.

Well, that's not saying much.

Here's your all-access pass.

That will get you

into the shoot.

Now, remember,

we've got to hit up

the A & R guys.

We've really got

to get this contract.

Okay. How will I know it's them?

Middle-aged guys, fancy suits,

bad, old-fashioned dancing.

Right.

You got it?

Yes.

All right.

Bye.

Good luck.

Okay. Thank you.

Whoo-hoo!

79!

Who's there?

Pool guy.

Pool guy?

You're not the pool guy.

Wow, you get to go

right to the head

of the class, stubby.

Nassau County

Department of Truancy.

Pool party's over,

Flubber.

Grab a towel.

Do you want to come

over here, son?

Put your hands

behind your head.

On your feet, gentlemen.

Hands where I can see them.

Up, up, up, up,

up, up, up.

What's going on here, man?

Why don't you let me

do the interrogating, son.

We'll get along just fine.

My mom's gonna kill me.

Got six future felons

for you, Strauss,

each one facing

five to 10--

Days of detention, Lomax.

Days of detention.

Just book 'em.

"Book 'em."

Would you give it a rest, Lomax?

You're a truancy officer.

You're not Dirty Harry.

This kind of crud has kept you

out of the force for 25 years.

You know that, don't you?

I'm on the heels

of the number one truant

in Nassau County...

and when I find her,

and I will find her,

your boys

will be doing backflips

to make sure

I'm wearing that badge, okay?

Hey, Einstein. Over here.

I feel kind of bad

about lumping you

in there

with those other losers,

because you strike me

as being a...

I don't know, smart kid.

I see a big future here.

I look at this face,

I see a Surgeon General.

I see a Supreme Court judge.

Do you have any idea

what a 10-day

suspension's

gonna look like

on your record?

You'll be lucky

to be accepted

to the Acme School

of Welding.

Now, do yourself a favor.

Where can I find Roxanne Ryan?

You can give me

all the detention you like,

but if there's something

I'm not,

that's a rat.

Fine.

Suit yourself.

[MXPX'S "DOING TIME" PLAYING]

♪ I went to school

And did my time ♪

Car, car, car!

[SCREAMS]

MAN: What's the matter

with you?!

Nice park.

Thanks.

[CLANGING]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

Excuse me.

Could you just not?

Okay...

speech at 3.

Perfect.

Okay.

♪ Let's go, let's go... ♪

♪ Let's get

The party started... ♪

♪ Let's go, let's go ♪

♪ You know... ♪

You can't sit here

right now.

I need quiet.

Chill.

You won't even know I'm here.

Listen, I am this close

to winning

the McGill Fellowship.

I've worked my whole life

for this.

What is this

stupid thing, anyway?

"This stupid thing"

is a four-year scholarship

to Oxford University.

Oxford?

As in England?

No, Oxford,

as in nowhere near you.

Maybe one of you would

like to switch seats--

No!No!

Yeah.

Why Oxford?

Why are you even here?

I'm here because Simple Plan's

shooting their new music video,

so I'm gonna canvass

the A & R guys,

and then I'm gonna give them

my demo tape,

and hopefully,

I'll be the new opening act.

Great, because there'll be

a lot of concerts next year

at Sister Mary Margaret's.

How is the school

gonna find out?

I mean,

as far as they're concerned,

I'm home with the chicken...

Chicken pox.

Chicken pox,

my Aunt Fanny.

[KNOCKING]

Who is it?

It's Savitsky, your landlord.

You're two weeks late

on the rent, Lomax.

Mr. Savitsky,

can we deal with this later?

Because I'm working

on a very big case right now.

I'm busy.

You're dizzy?

You should lie down.

I said I'm busy!

So get busy

writing a check, Lomax!

Where have you gone, Miss Ryan?

Where have you gone?

Mm-hmm.

Well, your simple plan's

about to get a bit

more complicated,

Roxanne Ryan.

All right, open up.

[GASPS]

Ow!

I'm sorry.

All right, Roxy Ryan!

Aah! Ow!

It's okay!

Hot, hot, hot.

I'm so sorry!

Stop that!

I'm sorry.

What are you,

a couple of monsters?

MAN: Tickets.

Tickets, please.

Please have your tickets ready.

Tickets, please.

I'm not doing this

for my health.

Thank you.

I suppose

you'll need some money?

No.

I can manage on my own.

Tickets ready.

Hello?

Tickets.

Very nice.

Tickets, please.

Oh, my...!

I'm in hell.

I'm sorry!

What are you looking at?

Stop looking!

[POUNDING]

I said I was sor...

Ticket.

Hi.

Oh!

[DRUMSTICKS CLATTER]

We are so over!

Over!

Shoot.

Oh, very funny.

Excuse me?

No ticket,

no ride.

I know. I have a ticket.

Okay, let's see it.

It was my twin sister

you just threw off.

Right there.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

The phantom twin sister.

I'm scared. Hold me.

Do I look

that stupid to you?

Do you really

want me to answer that?

But I have a ticket!

Let's go.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on.

I have a ticket!

It's in my purse!

Just step away

from the train.

Ow!

Ow.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Here, just give me

a sec, okay?

One sec.

Okay.

If you can't get it out,

I'll just take my skirt off.

Did I just say that out loud?

Yeah, you did.

Oh, man, you're

really stuck,

you know that?

Yeah. Okay.

Okay, just... All right,

on the count of three.

One, two, three.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Hey, it looks nice.

Thanks.

All aboard!

If you have a ticket.

I got to go.

Okay.

I'll see you.

Hopefully.

Bye.

Bye.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

The ripped look?

It's so two minutes ago.

Stay away from me.

According to this

schedule, right here,

it says that there should be

another train in 43 minutes.

Not today, there isn't.

Track construction.

Next train for New York

leaves in three hours.

You've got to be kidding me.

Taxi!

Hey!

Taxi!

Nice move.

[♪♪♪]

[CHINESE ACCENT]

There you are.

Here I am.

All of the taxis are gone,

and, uh...

you need a ride.

I give you ride.

No.

I give you free ride.

No, I don't take rides

from strangers.

But I got a limo.

Big, long, white one,

like Barbie ride in.

Hmm.

I don't believe you.

It says it right here.

There's gonna be another train.

Oh, how could I forget?

It's the magic leprechaun train.

It leaves for New York

whenever you want.

Powered by your imagination.

Jane.

I'm sorry. Is someone talking?

Because I don't hear anyone.

I just want to let you know

that I have a limo

if you're still

looking for a ride.

Don't worry.

It's a professional

car service.

MAN ON P.A.:

Your attention, please.

The 9:45 to New York

has been delayed.

Thanks.

Oh, here, let me

get your bag.

Oh, no, it's okay.

I got it.

Oh, but I insist.

No, it's okay.

I insist.

JANE: Wait for me.

Ah, my personal assistant.

I'd be lost without her.

[CHUCKLES TERSELY]

My name's Bennie.

Hi.

You and her

going same place?

You mean "you and she."

The correct grammar

is "she."

You're using

the wrong possessive--

Smarty pants.

DR. RYAN ON ANSWERING MACHINE:

You've reached Dr. Ryan.

Please leave your message

after the beep.

[BEEPS]

Yeah, Dr. Ryan,

this is Max Lomax,

Nassau County

Department of Truancy.

I'm calling in regard

to your daughter Roxanne.

Could you call me at 993-1176

and reference case number

seven tango niner

popcorn x-ray five?

Have a pleasant day.

♪ Bad girl, bad girl ♪

♪ What you gonna do? ♪

♪ What you gonna do

When I come for you? ♪

♪ Bad girl, bad girl ♪

♪ What you gonna do? ♪

♪ What you gonna do

When I come for you? ♪♪

How's it going?

How you doing?

Stop it.

Roxy, please.

I can't concentrate.

What's up?

[STRAINING]

Please stop.

Get me Ma.

It's number one

adopted son.

[SIGHS]

Bennie?

You said you'd be here by 9 a.m.

That was 20 minutes ago.

I need that chip.

Bennie will

be there soon, Ma.

Bennie...

either you talk in Chinese

or you speak in English,

but enough with the accent.

I'm sorry, Ma.

Don't call me "Ma."

From 9 to 5,

you're my number one

killing machine.

Yes, I'm your

killing machine, Ma.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

Bye, Ma.

[BEEPS]

[SIGHS]

Kids.

[SAHARA HOTNIGHTS'

"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT" PLAYING]

♪ Now I feel

Like breaking laws ♪

♪ Go on, start a civil war ♪

♪ Here's my fist

Where's the fight? ♪

♪ Your world's

Collapsing tonight ♪

♪ I want to make some noise ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Tell me what can go wrong ♪

♪ All right, all right

All right, all right ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ I want to make some noise ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ I want to drop some bombs ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ I want to make some noise ♪

♪ All right, all right ♪

♪ Tell me what can go wrong ♪♪

Hey, bud?

Are you lost?

Ancient Chinese proverb.

ROXY: Uh-oh.

Never accept ride from stranger.

[LAUGHS]

Help!

Help!

Help us!

Help us!

[THE CASANOVAS' "SHAKE IT"

PLAYING]

Help!

Help!

He's gonna kill us!

Come on.

Hurry.

[TIRES SCREECH]

[HONKING]

♪ Ooh, just got to shake it ♪

ROXY: Come on.

[BENNIE GROWLS]

♪ Shake it ♪

♪ Shake it ♪

♪ Shake it ♪

[TIRES SCREECH]

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Why's he after us?

♪ Shake it ♪

♪ Shake it ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

I think we lost him.

There you are.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

You speak Chinese?

There's a lot you

don't know about me.

Give me that.

MAN: Hey, Buster!

Bring it on, tubby.

I didn't know you took jujitsu.

Tae kwon do.

Thanks.

Two times a week.

Three years.

[YELLS]

Ha!

BENNIE:

Now I'm mad.

What are you--

Jump!

That hurts!

Here we go.

Ow!

JANE: Bye.

Oh, I'm gonna kill you!

JANE:

That's what we get

for taking a ride

from a stranger.

Please.

It was exciting.

Exciting? Exciting?

Almost being mugged

and getting stuck in

the middle of nowhere

is not my definition

of exciting.

Ow!

Now what?

These were

my best heels.

Give me the other one.

Give me the shoe.

Please. Thank you.

Now they're your best flats.

Either of you young ladies

spare some change?

You're only feeding

this poor man's disease.

Just let him have the dollar.

Why don't you buy him

a healthy snack?

A granola bar--

Thanks.

I got a dollar!

That is not just

a cherry Slurpee.

I smell alcohol.

Please don't freak.

Or not.

[CARS HONKING]

[SIREN WAILING]

Yes!

Now we're cooking with gas.

[SIREN WAILING ERRATICALLY]

Out of the way, suckers.

Come on, folks.

Police emergency.

Come on!

Back up, people!

Clear the street.

You call this respect

for the law?

JANE: I look like a duck

waddling in these shoes.

Wait.

Great.

[SNIFFS]

Can I use

your restroom?

Bathroom is for customer only.

Down the aisle

to the left.

[SNIFFS]

She has her whole life

ahead of her.

She should not be drinking this

time of day.

That's what I keep telling her.

Hi, you've reached

Dr. Ryan

of the Ryan residence.

Please leave

your message--

RECORDED VOICE:

You have one

new message.

Yeah, Dr. Ryan,

this is Max Lomax--

Oh, correction.

This was Max Lomax.

[BEEPS]

These for now, those for later.

You're very hungry

for such a small person.

Thirsty too?

Okay.

Red Bull.

You'll never pull it off.

Never?

Not today.

Not tomorrow.

So, no?

[SCREAMS]

I like the yellow one better.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

What did you do, fall in?

Cash or charge?

Ew! Ew!

Oh, I need some money.

STORE OWNER:

Total amount

is $47.24.

Oh, my God.

My day planner!

I must have left it in the limo!

My whole life is in it!

My speech, my credit cards,

my money!

So, I don't suppose

I could start a tab?

Tab is for valid customers only.

Thank you.

Don't come again.

This is all your fault.

How is it my fault

you left your book

in the limo?

It's your fault

I was even in the limo.

I can't even function

without my day planner.

You know, I'm trying

to think of a reason

to keep on living.

Still trying.

Still trying.

Still trying.

You need to chill, okay?

You just need to relax.

Relax?

How am I supposed to relax?

My relaxation tapes

are in my day planner!

[HYPERVENTILATING]

[SMACK]

Snap out of it!

Don't hit me.

Listen.

Okay, your speech

doesn't start

until 3 o'clock.

That gives you

three and a half hours!

Four and a half.

Same thing.

Roxy, spontaneity

doesn't just happen.

Okay?

You have to get there

and rehearse.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

WOMAN: Taxi!

Besides, where am I

gonna get cleaned up?

I have a plan.

Checking in, ladies?

We're with the band.

Yeah.

Oh, well, then.

I'm Paris,

this is Nicky.

Welcome, Paris.

MA: How could you let them go?

They're very smart.

One of them even spoke Chinese.

I don't care.

What's so important

about this stupid chip, anyway?

That "stupid chip"

contains millions of dollars

in pirated music.

Pirate music?

You mean...

♪ Yo ho, yo ho and a... ♪

Bennie!

Okay. I know what you mean.

I was just kidding.

We send chip to Hong Kong,

they transfer it from chip

onto compact disc,

they sell

pirated copies,

and we make millions.

Okay. I understand.

I'll get the chip back

and restore honor to family.

After all,

I am your number one

adopted son.

Get chip, make compact disc,

sell to teenagers.

Hmm.

Huh?

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

What are we

doing here?

Watch and learn.

[LAUGHING]

I'd love to,

but I'm presenting

an award

this afternoon.

You know that.

Carey, come.

Hurry, hurry.

Now!

This is your plan?

Yep, and a pretty good one.

Breaking into

a hotel room

is exactly how

Nixon went down.

I'm not going in there.

Not going in there.

I'm not going in there.

[GASPS]

Okay, I'm going in there.

Oh...

Okay, I'm just gonna

get cleaned up,

and then we're out of here.

Clean up, get out.

Whoa.

What?

It's a...

Dog.

I think.

Well, you take

a shower first,

and I'll take the doggy.

Come on, puppy.

[CELL PHONE PLAYING

"HAIL TO THE CHIEF"]

Jane Ryan speaking.

I have your date book.

Roxy!

What?

It's the psycho.

He has my day planner.

Let me.

I'll talk to him.

Be nice.

Okay.

Listen, you--!

[GROWLS]

I told you to be nice.

You can take the money,

you can have the credit cards,

just please

don't hurt my speech.

Shut up.

I talk, you listen.

Okay. Good idea.

You took my chip.

Roxy,

did you eat

this man's chips?

No.

You sure?

I didn't eat his chips.

I didn't eat your chips.

She didn't eat your chips.

No, not chips.

Chip.

My microchip.

Listen,

we need that book back,

so meet us outside

the Plaza Hotel

in 30 minutes,

or I will eat your chips.

Huh?

Found the chip!

Hmm.

[NO DOUBT'S "HEY BABY" PLAYING]

Uh...

♪ Hey, baby, hey, baby, hey ♪

♪ Girls say, boys say ♪

♪ Hey, baby, hey ♪

Hi.

Hi.

Aah!

♪ Hey, baby, hey, baby, hey ♪

♪ Girls say ♪

Whoa.

♪ Hey, baby, hey, baby, hey ♪

♪ Hey, baby, baby ♪

Is...

Is today my birthday?

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

We're just leaving.

My sister.

Look,

there's gonna be

a five-alarm fire

if my mom finds you.

You see, this psycho

stole my day planner,

which has my entire life in it.

Now we have to go meet with him

and give him his chip back.

Okay, so, uh...

psycho, day planner,

computer chip...

Yeah, makes perfect sense to me.

Thank you.

Yeah.

But, uh...

you might have a little trouble

swapping the chip.

Why?

Because Reinaldo just ate it.

[BURPS]

No, no, no, no.

No, he didn't.

Are you serious?

Yeah, the little green thing.

He just ate it.

Spit it out. Come on.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hello, Trey.

Hi, Mom!

I'm on my way up.

Change of schedule.

Bring my purse, dear.

Right away.

Yeah, I'm meeting

Hillary at 1.

Okay.

All right.

So, uh, my mom's on her way up.

She's a senator.

Anne Baxter Lipton?

A senator?

Should have kept that

fun, little fact to yourself.

A senator.

Yeah.

I can never run

for office now.

Come here,

little puppy.

Be right back.

Come on,

little puppy.

Spit it out.

Shake it

out of him!

Shake it out of him!

Oh, hey.

Senator?

Come on.

The dog ate the chip.

I need the chip

to get the day planner.

This isn't happening.

Ow! He bit me!

Reinaldo, calm down.

I don't want it.

Don't throw him back at... Ow!

Ow!

Keep it.

You take him.

My bad.

Oh, thank God.

Reinaldo!

Jane, what

are you doing?

You're gonna

wind up dead!

Without that chip, I am dead.

Okay.

Come back here.

Come here, doggy!

Okay. Very good.

Okay.

Trey?

Trey?

My mom.

Why is the door

locked?

Great. I'm gonna be late

for the Simple Plan shoot.

The video shoot?

Yeah.

Well...

Hello?

Well, at least tell me your name

before you go.

Roxy.

Roxy.

Jane!

Come here.

I was taking a nap.

Sorry.

Look what I got my little boy

for lunch.

Thanks, Mom.

I mean, I already ate--

Reinaldo!

Reinaldo,

come here, boy.

Look what Mommy

has for you.

Come here, my precious

little baby.

Where's my...

Come on! Come here.

Look what Mommy has.

Reinaldo, don't

make Mommy beg.

Hold on!

Doggy! Doggy!

Trey.

Where is Reinaldo?

He always answers when I call.

He's not answering.

Come here, doggy,

so I can stick my finger

down your throat.

ROXY:

Whatever you do,

don't look down!

[SCREAMS]

Mom...

there's something

you should know, okay?

Now, Reinaldo,

hey...

I-I took him to the groomers.

Why would you do that?

Because...

he smelled?

Oh...

Don't worry.

We're getting

out of here.

I can't move.

Oh, God, I almost forgot.

I got to go!

I got to... Yeah.

I'm going to be late.

Don't forget

to pick up Reinaldo.

Give me the dog.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Deals like this

are the result of years

of really hard work.

Things don't just

fall out of the sky.

How you doing?

Going down!

[SCREAMING]

That wasn't so bad.

No.

Can I have

my towel, please?

[REINALDO GROWLS]

Sir, I need

your help.

Yes, sir.

You gotta help me find a dog

and two girls in towels.

Who exactly are they?

Okay, puppy.

Okay. Go home.

You need to go home.

What are you doing?

We need to go.

No, we need that dog.

That dog is my life,

and when he poops,

his poop is my life.

[WHIMPERS]

Come on, Reinaldo!

Come on.

Good puppy. Okay.

Can anything else

go wrong today?

Whoa!

Am I squashing you?

Yeah, it's great.

Did I just--

Yeah, you just

said that out loud.

You know, if we keep

bumping into each other

like this,

one of us

is gonna get hurt.

I'm willing

to take that chance.

Roxy!

Paris! Nicky!

How can I find you?

Call her.

555-8989.

She's home.

Every night.

What's your name?

It's Jane.

I'm Jim!

[REMIX OF ELVIS PRESLEY'S

"RUBBERNECKIN'" PLAYING]

♪ Stop, look, and listen, baby ♪

♪ That's my philosophy ♪

♪ Yes, it is, now ♪

♪ It's called rubberneckin'

Baby ♪

♪ But that's all right with me ♪

♪ Stop, look, and listen, baby ♪

♪ That's my philosophy ♪

♪ Yes, it is, now ♪

♪ It's called rubberneckin'

Baby ♪

♪ But that's

All right with me ♪♪

Here.

How am I gonna survive

without my watch?

I don't know.

Come on, you can poopie.

Just a little one.

Come on.

Any luck?

Think we have something.

[PASSES GAS]

False alarm.

I can't go

looking like this.

I'm starting to have

heart palpitations.

No, don't worry, okay?

We're going to fix you up.

I promise.

It's all

going to work out.

Where you going?

To get my day planner back.

I'll go with you.

No, I don't think

that's such a good idea.

I mean, our togetherness today

hasn't exactly been good luck.

Rox, I'll be fine.

It's in front of The Plaza.

There's a lot of witnesses.

I mean, it's not like this guy's

exactly, like,

a criminal mastermind,

so have fun at the concert.

Video shoot.

[REINALDO WHIMPERING]

59th and 9th.

If you care.

Whoa, whoa.

[BLONDIE'S "ONE WAY OR ANOTHER"

PLAYING OVER P.A. SYSTEM]

♪ One way or another

I'm gonna find you ♪

♪ I'm gonna get you

Get you, get you, get you ♪

♪ One way or another

I'm gonna win you ♪

♪ I'm gonna get you

Get you, get you, get you ♪

Okay, kiddies.

Playtime's over.

Hey, where do you think

you're going?

I'm on a case, Einstein.

Where do you think you're going?

What do you mean?

I'm not going anywhere.

Oh. So we're clear on that.

Huh?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Jeff.

What's up, man? It's Trey.

Hey, you remember

that Simple Plan video shoot

you were telling me about?

Where is it?

It's 59th and 9th.

Are you sure?

That's awesome, man. You rock.

I owe you. Bye.

Boy, talk about anal-retentive.

This girl is a cuckoo bird.

I'm surprised she doesn't have

trips to the bathroom scheduled.

Oh, no, wait. Right here. 3:30.

Look, um, I think we--

You're late.

I-I-I think we both got off

on the wrong foot a while back.

I just want to know...

Okay.

Give me my chip.

What's this?

It's your chip.

Excuse me?

Well, you see,

Reinaldo here, he ate your chip.

Reinaldo ate my chip.

Is this some kind of joke?

I don't really joke, sir.

Uh, can I have

my day planner back?

You know what I think I do?

I think I run over the dog

with the car.

No, wait,

that might damage the chip.

You give me my chip

or I'll kill you.

Cough it up, pooch.

No, no, no, no, no!

Please don't hurt him.

Give it to me.

Let me have it!

[TRICKLING]

Good shot, Reinaldo!

Disgusting.

Get back here

so I can kill you!

Okay.

Mic one. Check.

Testing, one, two.

Excuse me, fellas.

Excuse me, Cochise.

Thattaboy.

You're good.

Roxy.

Hi!

Hey.

Um, I was wondering if you knew

where my mom's dog was.

Oh.

Well, I mean,

I also wanted to see you again.

Oh.

Come on,

let's move it.

Do you have a pass?

No.

I'll be right back.

Just stay here.

You know, I'll figure it out.

Okay, figure it out

somewhere else, okay?

Simple Plan.

They rock.

Whoo!

I've got all their LPs.

I'm sorry, I didn't

get your name.

Is it "Loser"?

How come you're not in school?

Okay, okay. Don't worry.

I've got bigger fish to fry.

Coming through.

MAN: All right, guys,

thanks for coming out

for this video shoot.

We're gonna need

a lot of your energy today,

so are you guys ready?

[CHEERING]

Are we ready?

Rox, where are you?

This is the scene

live here in midtown,

where punk rock group

Simple Plan

is shooting their

latest music video.

A little louder!

Nice!

Get ready to welcome

Simple Plan!

What's up, New York City?

[PLAYING "VACATION"]

♪ I know a girl ♪

♪ Who's obsessed with a guy ♪

♪ She talks for hours ♪

♪ And still tomorrow

She'll call again ♪

♪ And when he thinks

That this could be the end ♪

♪ She calls again ♪

♪ At 6 in the morning

She waits at the door ♪

♪ He tells her to leave ♪

♪ But still tomorrow

She'll be there again ♪

♪ She won't let go ♪

♪ Can't you just go somewhere

On vacation? ♪

♪ I could book your flight

And pack your bags ♪

♪ If you want ♪

♪ A one-way ticket ♪

Old school dance moves.

♪ Watching you fly away ♪

♪ I never liked you ♪

♪ She doesn't care

If he tries to ignore ♪

♪ He runs away

But still she follows ♪

♪ She'll try again ♪

♪ She likes to think

She'll get him in the end ♪

Hi. Please give it

a listen.

Our contact info's

inside.

Nice packaging.

Let's take a look.

Thanks.

Hello, Miss Ryan.

So nice to finally

meet you...

face-to-face.

It's been quite a chase

all these years, huh?

One not without

a few clever maneuvers

on your part,

but, uh...

here we are.

You know what?

I'm tired of running.

I'll go quietly.

Oh, I don't use handcuffs,

Miss Ryan.

Just brains.

But, uh, before we go,

Mr. Lomax...

Yeah?

Check your fly.

What's that?

♪ I never liked you ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I have to get by.

Where do you think

you're going?

You may want to check your fly.

♪ Can't you just go somewhere

On vacation? ♪

♪ I could book your flight

And pack your bags ♪

♪ If you want ♪

♪ A one-way ticket

Out of my life ♪

Roxy!

♪ Watching you fly away ♪

♪ I never liked you ♪

♪ I never wanted you ♪

Yay!

Whoo!

♪ I never liked you ♪

It's Lomax!

Everybody jump!

Jump!

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Can't you just go somewhere

On vacation? ♪

Roxy!

♪ I could book your flight

And pack your bags ♪

♪ If you want ♪

♪ A one-way ticket

Out of my life ♪

♪ Watching you fly away ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

Lomax!

Lomax?

Lomax?

We're trapped.

Take my hand.

♪ Can't you just go somewhere

On vacation? ♪

♪ I could book your flight

And pack your bags ♪

♪ If you want ♪

♪ A one-way ticket

Out of my life ♪

♪ Watching you fly away ♪

Roxy?

♪ I never liked you ♪

Roxy!

♪ I never wanted you ♪

♪ I never liked you ♪

Has everybody

washed their hands?

♪ I'm not in love with you ♪♪

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

I'm next!

Ooh.

That's got to hurt.

Ooh.

Sorry about that.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Sorry, guys.

Excuse me.

Buddy, okay,

I'm looking for two girls

and this little dog

that just

ran out of here.

Did you see

where they went?

I did.

They went to the Simple Plan

after party.

Oh, great.

You know, I'm going there now.

I drive all the VIPs.

I could give you a ride.

Yeah?

Thanks, man.

Thanks.

This Lomax guy

is crazy.

I know.

[♪♪♪]

[BOTH GASP]

Let's hide

in the tent.

Okay.

[SCREAMING]

[SPLASH]

CITY WORKER:

Cover up the manhole.

We're done here.

Give me a hand.

The climactic event

of my academic career

is in two hours,

and I'm drenched,

with a dog,

in a sewer. Yeah.

No, no, no, see,

see, we're in luck.

It's just

the water main.

I'm just trying to look

on the bright side.

Bright side?

There is no bright side.

Well, I don't know.

I was thinking

that, um...

That what?

We haven't spent

the day together

in years,

and today

has made me realize

how much I've missed that.

I don't know.

I was having fun,

and you were too,

because I saw

the smile on your face

when we were crowd surfing.

I was acting for the cameras.

Just a little bit.

Okay, so maybe

it was a little fun.

What's with that Lomax guy?

He's a truant officer.

He's been after me

for years,

but I outsmart him

every time.

What can I say?

You're insane, you know that?

Yeah.

I know.

You okay, buddy?

Yeah, I'm doing

just fine, Sherlock.

Yourself?

Wife and kids?

Think it'll rain?

How about those Mets?

Are we through

chit-chatting?

Can you tell me where

this sewer pipe leads?

Well, that one there

comes directly

from the main line

on 125th.

Only way in or out.

How's the patient?

She should have gone

for the C-section.

I'm gonna miss

my daughter's speech

at Columbia.

She's gonna be

so disappointed.

I just hope

she's okay.

Whoo! Whoo!

The unpublicized event

has drawn

quite a crowd here today.

[HONKING]

MAN:

Let's go, let's go!

Hi, it's Jane.

Leave a message.

[BEEPS]

Jane. Hey, it's, uh... it's Jim.

The guy that ripped your skirt,

pummeled you with his bike.

Sorry about that.

Uh, anyway, I was, uh...

just calling

to make sure you're okay.

So, um...

I'll keep looking for you.

I'm going to make it up to you.

All right?

See you.

JANE: We need

to get out of here.

This thing

is never-ending.

Wait a sec.

Columbia's on

116th Street, right?

Right.

I got you

nine blocks away.

Yo, Malik,

what up, fool?

WOMAN:

Can't get a date.

Says she's fat.

What's up

with this fool?

White people

are crazy.

JANE:

Roxy, Columbia's

on the west side.

[HONKING]

[SCREAMING]

Here we are.

Let's find a subway.

Let's ask

the House of Bling.

Okay, good idea.

Can I help you?

We are so not

in Kansas anymore.

We're from

the gas company.

[SNIFFS]

No gas here!

Okay.

Hold it!

I can't have anyone seeing you

leave my store

looking like that.

Mickey,

show them out the back way.

Okay, Ma.

What? What is it?

It's 1:13.

It's 1:13.

I'm never going to make it.

What's wrong with that girl?

She doesn't do well

under pressure.

Oh, my God.

I'm having

a heart attack!

Call 991.

Call 991.

Breathe.

Call 991!

991?

Stay calm!

Thank you. I'm not thirsty.

Okay, it's okay. Breathe.

Breathe.

Deep breaths.

Happy thoughts.

Sing with me, okay?

♪ The itsy-bitsy spider

Walked up the water spout ♪

Spout...

BOTH:

♪ Down came the rain

And washed that spider out ♪

ALL:

♪ Out came the sun

And dried up all the rain ♪

♪ And the itsy-bitsy spider

Went up the spout again ♪♪

You okay?

Works every time.

Dang, what's that all about?

In less than two hours

I'm supposed to make

the most important speech

of my life.

It's been a rough day.

Well, sweetheart,

if it was all smooth-sailing,

you know where we'd be?

Bored to tears, that's what.

Amen.

Take this sister over here.

Come here, baby.

It's the curve balls

that make life interesting.

Shows us what

we're made of,

and sometimes,

if we're real lucky,

there's a blessing

waiting for us

at the end of that wrong turn.

Well, what if

there's been

about 50 wrong turns?

Well, that

last wrong turn

brought you

up in here,

now, didn't it?

So prepare

to be blessed.

Mickey!

Bring me my toolbox!

We got some

major bling to do!

All right, Ma!

Who's Major Bling?

Honey, this is Big Shirl's

House of Bling.

This is where

the bling is born.

This is where

bling lives.

You got nothing

to worry about.

["BRING ON THE BLING" PLAYING]

♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ Ooh, hoo-hoo! ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

Just so we're clear, uh...

I'd like a more corporate bling.

♪ Just keep it coming ♪

♪ Don't you know your bling? ♪

♪ Don't let your body stop ♪

♪ Just sing ♪

♪ 'Cause you know that

You're playing with bling... ♪

[RAPPING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ Now you finally got--

The sun is finally shining ♪

You is filthy.

What am I gonna do with you?

♪ Whatever you do... ♪

Boyfriend.

Well, you're girlfriend now.

Yeah.

Here we go.

♪ Bring on the bling ♪

♪ Gotta love a girl like me ♪

♪ With head curls like me ♪

New York Knicks, baby!

New York Knicks!

♪ I'm a brand-new lady ♪

♪ The girls gonna hate me ♪

♪ How do you like me now ♪

♪ With my new profile? ♪

♪ 'Cause we're so glamorous ♪

♪ The whole world

It's so damn fabulous ♪

Yow!

You look so hot.

I feel hot.

Sisters got some sista in them!

Whoo!

Y'all good to go!

Ooh!

[♪♪♪]

Thank you so much.

Thank you

so much.

Oh, you're welcome.

I promise we'll

pay you back.

Oh, honey, it's on the house.

Thank you!

Thank you!

Good luck!

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Thanks!

I think I can

pull this off.

Hello?

Oh, it's for you.

Hello?

Jane Ryan speaking.

I have your boyfriend.

I don't have

a boyfriend.

Well, then I have

your sister's boyfriend.

My sister doesn't have

a boyfriend, either.

Okay, look, whatever.

I'm through with being

Mr. Softy.

You meet me in Times Square,

corner of 47th and Broadway,

in 20 minutes,

or else I will burn your book.

He's gonna

burn my book.

He's not gonna

burn your book.

LOMAX:

Back up, people.

That's censorship.

We have to go.

Let's go.

We have to go.

We have to go.

We need a ride, Big Shirl.

Mickey,

get your cab.

Not now, Ma.

I got a date.

Cab's around

the corner.

Thank you.

Be careful. All right.

Roxanne Ryan!

Cease and desist!

Who's that cracker?

I don't know, but he

ain't from around here.

Hurry! Get in the car!

Okay.

Jane, start the car.

I'm not exactly

a strong driver.

Step out

of the car, Ryan.

It's all over.

What do I do?

Brake left, gas right! Go!

[ENGINE ROARS]

Hey! Hey!

Watch out for the guy!

Sorry!

Braking.

Red, red!

Stop!

[HONKING]

Nassau County

Department of Truancy.

I'm taking over

your vehicle.

Okey-dokey.

What fun.

Tim Brooger.

My wife Steffi.

Pleased to meet you.

Buckle up.

Could be bumpy.

[SCREAMS]

[HONKING]

How you got

your driver's license

is beyond me.

You didn't?

You failed

your driver's test?

Well--

That's incredible!

I got a 100%

on the written.

I just didn't quite pass

the driving part.

Are we going to be

in a car chase?

Oh, we've never been

in a car chase before.

No, sir, not one.

Seen them on TV.

Oh, yeah, sure.

You know, I think New York

has the best car chases,

don't you?

Small favor, Clem.

Put a sock in it.

Done, sir.

Where is he?

Is he behind us?

Yeah.

Yeah, we drove

all the way down

from Minnetonka,

Minnesota

just to see

New York City.

The Big Apple!

You know, they say

it's the city

that never sleeps?

Oh, I think it will

now that you've

hit town, Gomer.

Red light! Red light!

Red light!

I know!

I read the rule book.

I know what red means.

Hi. I need to go

to 112th and-- Oh!

Go! Floor it!

Oh, God!

What are you

doing here?

Oh, my God, that is so hot!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Would you give me

just a little air?

I can't do this.

You can do this.

You can do this.

I can't!

Breathe.

Getting killed!

Stop it!

Whoopsy-daisy!

ROXY: Can you drive

a little bit faster?

Look, do you

want to drive?

I'll drive!

Now, I don't know

if this would be helpful,

but we do have a loudspeaker.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, we use that

for campfire sing-a-longs

with our church group.

Testing.

Testing, one, two.

Can this be heard?

Roxanne Ryan,

this is the law.

Go! Go!

Pull over.

Give yourself up.

I'm being abducted!

If you think

I'm kidding, I'm not.

You're only making

things worse, Ryan.

You'll be in detention

the rest of your

teenage life,

so let's end this thing,

right here, right now.

This is kind of fun.

It's not fun!

Where'd he go?

I think we lost him.

You know, you might want look

over to your right.

Okay,

playtime's over, Ryan.

Let's put the toys away

and go home!

Pull over!

Turn right here!

You're going

the wrong way!

I thought you said

right here.

Times Square's

the other right.

Okay, I have it

under control.

Yeah, right,

then where are we going?

What are you doing?

Signaling.

I know the rules.

Hang on, people.

Why are we reversing?

It's a one-way street!

We're going

the wrong way.

No, but we're facing

the right way.

You're mine now, Ryan.

It's too tight.

We're not

gonna make it.

We'll make it.

We're not

gonna make it!

Who's the professional,

you or me?

I want to say you!

There's a gate!

I'm fine.

Whoo!

Oh, my God.

Take some of that!

Are you trying

to kill us?

I just saved your life

and you're

criticizing me?

Welcome to my world.

What's that

supposed to mean?

It's supposed to mean

you're always

looking down on me.

Looking down on you?

Yeah.

I've been

looking out for you.

Hey. Hey.

Let me out of this car.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[CLUNKS]

Thanks!

For nothing!

How exactly have you been

looking out for me?

Are you insane?

That's all

I ever do, okay?

The one day,

the one time

I want it to be

about me for a change,

I get inducted

into the Roxy Ryan

School of Juvenile

Delinquency.

I've been trying

to help you

from the minute

we left the house.

Lot of good that's done.

Where are you going?

I'm not finished.

Yeah, well, I am.

Why don't you just go

run along and have fun?

That's what

you're good at.

As opposed to you?

Which is walking away

whenever

we start to have

a real conversation.

I don't have time

for a real conversation.

I'm too busy

taking care of things.

So who asked you to?

You did,

the minute you stopped

taking responsibility

for anything since Mom died.

That doesn't mean

you get to be her replacement.

You know what I miss most

about Mom?

Is that she loved

that we were different...

and you punish me for it.

From the day Mom died,

you've done nothing

but push me

out of your life.

I have not.

Oh, come on, Jane.

The biggest day

of your academic career

and you didn't even bother

to invite me.

Well, forgive me

for wanting the day

to be about me for a change.

I make honor roll

and Dad doesn't notice

because you're in detention.

I'm elected captain

of the cheerleading

squad

and Dad can't come to one game,

one game,

because he's busy

going to your

parent-counselor meetings.

You want to know

why I want this

Fellowship abroad?

Because it's

3,000 miles away from you.

[STEADMAN'S "WAVE GOODBYE"

PLAYING]

Well, I really hope

you get it, then.

♪ Life is one big stage ♪

♪ When I need my space ♪

♪ I've been feeling blue ♪

♪ Well, how 'bout you? ♪

♪ Now this bird has flown ♪

♪ Like I've always

Known it would ♪

♪ Maybe someday soon ♪

♪ You'll be flying too ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ See me roam ♪

♪ See me climb ♪

♪ If I leave here now ♪

♪ I can make good time ♪

♪ See me fall ♪

♪ See me rise ♪

♪ Grabbing one last look ♪

♪ Then I wave goodbye ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

[LAUGHING]

♪ Light shines on my face ♪

♪ When I need my space ♪

♪ I've been feeling blue ♪

Love you, Daddy!

♪ Well, how 'bout you? ♪♪

Roxy.

Don't you worry.

I'm not going to let

the mean little man hurt you.

I don't know who you are

or what your game is,

but you've caused me

a great deal

of inconvenience today,

Not to mention,

I am this close

from missing my speech,

so let's have it.

Let's have it.

You finished?

[SCREAMS]

Ancient Chinese proverb.

You snooze, you lose.

[LAUGHS]

Let's take her to Ma.

Perfect timing.

[THUMPING]

Hello?

TREY: Roxy?

Trey?

Yeah.

What are you

doing in there?

Can we talk about this

after you open the trunk?

Thanks.

Are you okay?

What happened?

I don't know.

I mean, one minute,

I'm coming to find you,

and then this limo guy

just shoves me in there.

Just when you think

the day can't get any worse...

You okay?

I just got

in a huge fight

with my sister.

She was supposed

to give this speech today

and now she's not gonna

win the Fellowship,

because there's no way

she's getting there on time,

and it's all my fault.

You sure about that?

Do you want to take a field trip

right now?

Yeah.

Come on.

Okay.

Taxi!

Now,

it's just you and me.

All alone, no excuses.

[GROWLS APPREHENSIVELY]

Come on.

Drink this.

Drink this, and then

the chip will come out.

This goes in here,

chip come out here.

I'm not kidding around.

Drink it. See?

Mm. Like that.

Hey, that's pretty good.

BENNIE: Come on.

Give it up.

This movie isn't out yet.

Neither is this CD.

So that's what these guys

are up to.

Just listen to reason.

Give me the chip.

You don't want me

to use this, do you?

I don't even know

what this is,

but it's not

going to be pleasant.

Now give me the chip!

Look into my eyes.

I'm torturing you.

It's unbearable.

Bennie!

This is your idea

of torture?

It's pathetic.

We do it my way.

Cats have nine lives.

I wonder

if the little doggy does.

[BREATHLESSLY]

Okay.

I hope they

haven't started.

I can't run

in these heels.

The increase and/or decrease

in productivity of a nation

or other such

political aggregate,

can be regarded

as the penultimate

indicator

of a nation...

Go see what she's doing.

Make her stop. Go.

Cut it out in there.

You make a mess,

you got to clean it up.

Sorry!

He bit me.

Get it off of me!

Come on, Reinaldo.

Come on!

Come on. Come on.

Hey, stranger.

How would you like

to save my life?

I have 28 minutes

to go 111 blocks.

I could do that.

Bennie!

Where they go?

Where are they?

Let's go!

Okay.

Hold on.

♪ Sparks fly ♪

♪ I hit the ground running ♪

Hold on, okay?

♪ Good work

Never comes easy ♪

You all right?

Yeah.

♪ Hey, driver

To the top of the world ♪

♪ Hey, driver

To the top of the world ♪

♪ Hey, driver

To the top of the world ♪

This is it.

I don't see her.

Jane Ryan?

Yeah?

You're late.

You're on next.

Are you sure you know

what you're doing?

Look, I got her

into this mess

and now I have

to get her out of it.

Plus, how hard

could it be

reading a bunch

of note cards?

Just go with me

on this one.

Okay. Yeah.

You're going to do great.

All right, um...

see you out there.

Good luck.

Thanks.

[SIGHS]

Nice blazer, Muffie.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, gridlock!

Come on. We'll take a shortcut.

MAN: Hey,

what're you doing?

Sorry!

Oof. Sorry.

Are you crazy?

Sorry.

What's the matter with you?

In this instant,

we must defer

to the famed economist,

Adam Smith,

who laid the foundation

of a free market.

Mother.

What are you

doing here?

I'm honorary chair

of the McGill Fellowship.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to see you

present the award.

Well, that's very sweet.

WOMAN:

Our last finalist

is from Long Island

and has a 4.2 GPA.

She's student body president

and captain

of her cheerleading squad.

Please welcome Jane Ryan.

[APPLAUSE]

Oh, my God.

You may proceed...

Miss Ryan.

Please.

Right.

Oh, man.

Well, as, uh,

many of you all know,

the economy is, uh...

very, very important

to all of us.

Take the word "economy."

You have "eco," which, uh...

stands for "environment."

You know, which we're all

real big supporters of...

and we have "onomy,"

which, uh...

is pig Latin for "money."

Money, economy.

Right.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Sparks fly ♪

♪ I hit the ground running ♪

♪ Thumb in the air

On the side of the road ♪

Go, go, go, go, go.

Good luck.

♪ Good work

Never comes easy ♪♪

Are you coming?

Come on.

Yeah.

Well...

[CHUCKLES]

for as the, uh...

the famous, famous...

Canadian professor...

Avril Lavigne... stein

once said, and I quote,

"Why'd you have to go

and make things so complicated?

"I see the way you're acting

like you're somebody else.

"Gets me frustrated.

"Life's like this.

"You fall and you crawl

and you break,

"and you take what you can get.

"You turn it into honesty,

"and promise me

"I'm never gonna

find you fake it.

"No...

"no...

no..."

Oh, thank God.

Roxy?

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

that's all the time I have left.

Will the real Jane Ryan

please stand up?

[APPLAUSE]

Whoo!

Reinaldo!

Trey, what is going on?

Um, apparently

the dog groomer delivers.

Are you okay?

What are you

doing here?

Well,

aside from completely

humiliating myself...

I'm... I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to read

the speech for you.

Please.

Here.

I can take it

from here.

Are you sure?

Mm-hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Jane Ryan.

Roxy, behind you!

Nassau County

Department of Truancy.

This girl,

Roxanne Ryan,

is now in my custody,

and that girl,

Jane Ryan,

is an accomplice

in her criminal

activities.

Yeah, and she stole

my stupid, ugly mutt too.

I don't know what

is going on here,

but that "mutt"

happens to be mine,

Come here, ugly doggie.

and I order you

to give him back.

Yeah, you and what army, lady?

Officer.

Me?

Arrest that man!

Yes, ma'am.

SENATOR:

Oh, my baby!

Fly.

Every time.

I think it's started.

Doesn't look like Cats.

Everybody freeze.

Someone please explain to me

what is going on.

Um, I think I can do that.

Uh...

see this guy

over here?

That man who thinks

he's Chinese--

but you're not--

and his mother,

are criminals

dealing in pirated

music, movies,

and probably

Gucci handbags.

I don't know.

Probably.

The guy

with the eyebrows.

We know him.

We know him.

He drove us over here.

He didn't tell us

he was in the play!

Oh, a cop and an actor!

And how, may I ask,

did you two get

involved in this?

I think I can shed

some light on that, Senator.

You see--

You see,

Senator,

it was this

crime fighter here,

Officer Lomax,

who tracked down

the Bang family,

and wouldn't rest until

justice was served,

so, really,

we're just witnesses

to his sting operation.

Yeah.

What she said.

SENATOR:

Is that true,

Officer Lomax?

Did you engineer

this collar?

Well, I don't want

to gloat, Senator,

but, uh...

I think "mastermind"

might be a...

a more appropriate

choice of words.

[MOUTHS]

I love you.

McGILL:

Just a second.

I assume that wasn't the speech

that you were intending to give

this afternoon.

Not exactly.

No. No, it wasn't,

but you should have

heard the real one.

It was amazing,

and I know this because

I heard her practice it

a thousand times,

and trust me,

she would have won

this thing hands down.

I'm sorry today

didn't work out

the way you planned.

See, I thought today

was about the speech,

the Fellowship,

my academic future,

but instead

it was about something

much more important.

It just took me

a few wrong turns to see it.

Oh, that was

something else,

wasn't it?

Oh, honey, I loved it.

I loved it.

I just loved it.

Yes, we gotta...

Come on.

We gotta give it up

for the Cats!

Who let the cats out?

Okay, come on,

get your hands up

where I can see them.

You're not even

a real cop, anyway.

Zip it, Odd Job.

Thanks to you,

that's all gonna change.

Let me do it.

So you're not mad?

Are you kidding?

I can't believe

what you did for me today.

Listen, I...

want to apologize for saying

the things I said earlier.

It's just...

I was having a meltdown

because everything

seemed to be going wrong.

That's just because

every time I tried to fix it,

it just got worse.

The point is...

is...

we haven't

spent the day together

in a really long time, and...

I've really missed you.

I've missed you too...

and I'm so, so sorry...

if I ever made you feel

like you had

to take Mom's place.

She would have been

really proud.

Both of us.

Oh, man...

Oh.

Oh.

It was really great

bumping into you today.

Maybe we could bump again.

Did I just say that?

Yeah...

Yeah.

And I'm glad you did.

So...

how about

you just give me a call?

Okay.

Yeah.

Jane Ryan?

Bye.

Allow me

to introduce myself.

My name

is Hudson McGill.

Listen, I am so sorry

about everything

that happened today.

I--

You know what?

I think you handled yourself

really well today,

considering everything.

The McGill Foundation

would be really honored

if you would represent us

at Oxford University

next year.

But I don't understand. I--

I found these.

This would have been

an amazing speech.

It's not just

that you wanted to win.

It's that you absolutely

refused to fail,

and you didn't.

You deserve this Fellowship,

Jane.

You really do.

Congratulations

and good luck.

Thank you.

Can you believe it?

I'm so happy.

I...

Thank you.

No, thank you.

One, two, three, four!

[PLAYING "SUFFRAGETTE CITY"]

♪ Hey, man ♪

♪ My school day's insane ♪

♪ Hey, man ♪

♪ My work's

Down the drain ♪

♪ Hey, man ♪

♪ She's a total

Blam blam ♪

♪ She says

She had to squeeze it ♪

♪ But she...

And then she... ♪

♪ Oh, don't

Lean on me, man ♪

♪ 'Cause you can't

Afford the ticket ♪

♪ I'm back

From Suffragette City ♪

♪ Oh, don't

Lean on me, man ♪

♪ 'Cause you ain't got

Time to check it ♪

♪ You know

My Suffragette City ♪

♪ Is out of sight ♪

Hey.

Hi.

So, have you given any thought

to visiting me in London?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm...

I'm not gonna be able

to visit you.

It's not gonna

work out for me.

Sorry.

It's okay.

I mean, your whole life's here.

Jane, I'm playing.

I'm moving.

I'm actually transferring

schools there next year.

Really? Seriously?

You excited?

♪ Suffragette City ♪

♪ Oh, don't lean on me, man ♪

I've got this great idea

for the video.

It's like...

It's like Roxy,

and she's dressed

as a cucumber, and then--

[GROANS]

All right, well, maybe...

maybe I should

just be happy

that I'm going to London

on tour with you guys

and I should probably keep

these thoughts to myself.

Agreed.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

Open up! Police!

Cut it, guys. Cut it.

[MUSIC PETERS OUT]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Sorry to break up

the party here, kids,

but you see, I got

this little VW Bug

parked out there

in a loading zone.

License number

two Quilted Laxative

four Santa Kansas Limerick.

Where's Roxanne Ryan?

You've got to be

kidding me.

I am.

I just stopped by

to wish you bon voyage, and...

maybe get an autograph.

Of course you may,

Officer Lomax.

Thank you, ma'am.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, Iggy Pop.

Crank the juice

on that half-stack

and let's hear

what this band can do.

JUSTIN:

You heard the officer.

Let's roll

the guitars again.

Nice work, son.

[DRUMSTICKS COUNTING OFF]

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am ♪

♪ Suffragette City ♪

♪ Suffragette City ♪

♪ Suffragette City ♪

♪ Suffragette City ♪

♪ Oh, don't lean on me, man ♪

♪ 'Cause you

Can't afford the ticket ♪

♪ You know my Suffragette City ♪

♪ She's all right ♪♪

[JASON MRAZ'S

"CURBSIDE PROPHET '04" PLAYING]

♪ Hey, hey-hey ♪

♪ Something's different

In my world today ♪

♪ Well, they changed

My traffic sign ♪

♪ To a brighter yellow ♪

♪ I'm just a curbside prophet

With my hand in my pocket ♪

♪ And I'm waiting

For my rocket to come ♪

♪ I'm just a curbside prophet

With my hand in my pocket ♪

♪ And I'm waiting

For my rocket to come ♪

♪ You see, I started way back

In N.Y.C. ♪

♪ When I stole my first rhymes

On this M.I.C. ♪

♪ At a West End avenue at 63 ♪

♪ The beginning of a leap year

February, '96 ♪

♪ With a guitar

Picked up in the mix ♪

♪ Well, I committed to the licks

Like a nickel bag of tricks ♪

♪ Well, look at me now ♪

♪ Look at you now ♪

♪ And look at us now, now, now ♪

♪ I'm just a curbside prophet

With my hand in my pocket ♪

♪ And I'm waiting

For my rocket to come ♪

♪ I'm just a curbside prophet

With my hand in my pocket ♪

♪ And I'm waiting

For my rocket to come ♪

♪ I'm just a curbside prophet

With my hand in my pocket ♪

♪ And I'm waiting

For my rocket to come ♪

♪ I'm just a curbside prophet

With my hand in my pocket ♪

♪ And I'm waiting

For my rocket to come ♪

♪ Well, you're never gonna guess

When I've been, been, been ♪

♪ Well, I have no regrets ♪

♪ That I bet

My whole checking account ♪

♪ Because

It all amounts to nothing ♪

♪ Up in the end ♪

♪ Well, you can only count

On the road again ♪

♪ We'll soon be on

The radio dial ♪

♪ And I've been

Paying close attention ♪

♪ To the dance hall style ♪

♪ I'm touring around the nation

On extended vacation ♪

♪ And I got--

Who exceeded my limitation ♪

♪ I say, "I like your style,

Crazy pound pup" ♪

♪ You need a ride? ♪

♪ Well, come on

Get in the truck ♪

♪ I'm just a curbside prophet

With my hand in my pocket ♪

♪ And I'm waiting

For my rocket to come ♪

♪ I'm just a curbside prophet

With my hand in my pocket ♪

♪ And I'm waiting

For my rocket ya'll ♪

♪ I'm just a curbside prophet

With my hand in my pocket ♪

♪ And I'm waiting

For my rocket to come ♪

♪ I'm just a curbside prophet

With my hand in my pocket ♪

♪ And I'm waiting

For my rocket to come ♪

♪ See, I'm a down home brother

Redneck undercover ♪

♪ With my guitar here

I'm ready to play ♪

♪ And I'm a sucker for a filly

Got a natural ability ♪

♪ I'm geared to freestyle

Look at my flexibility ♪

♪ Dangerous on the mike

My ghetto hat's cocked right ♪

♪ All the ladies say

That I'm so crazy ♪

♪ I got the backstage betties

Taking more than they can get ♪

♪ They say

They wanna have my baby ♪

♪ Hey, love, love

Love, love ♪

♪ Something's different

In my world today ♪

♪ Well, they changed

My traffic sign ♪

♪ To a brighter yellow ♪

♪ Hey, hey-hey ♪

♪ Something's different

In my world today ♪

♪ Hey, hey-hey ♪

♪ Something's different

In my world today ♪

♪ Well, they changed

My traffic sign ♪

♪ To a brighter

Brighter shade of yellow ♪

♪ I'm just a curbside prophet ♪

♪ Curbside prophet now ♪

♪ Curbside prophet now ♪♪

["BRING ON THE BLING" PLAYING]

♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ Bling, bling, honeys

Just keep it coming ♪

♪ Don't you know that

You're rolling with me? ♪

[RAPPING INDISTINCTLY]

♪ Watch how they love it

Baby wanna touch it ♪

♪ Fendi, Gucci

Christian Dior ♪

♪ Turn around

And let me see you move it ♪

♪ Like you always do

When you're sure ♪

♪ Clean and clear

From the front to rear ♪

♪ No need to fear

The world is yours ♪

♪ Any way you want it

Just keep it coming ♪

♪ Don't you know that

You're rolling with me? ♪♪