Original subtitles

- Synced and corrected by afre - - www.addic7ed.com -

It's almost time.

Where's my Barbie makeup kit?

Oh, sweetie, I think I threw that out.

Well, I'm sorry. It was getting nasty.

That lip gloss was starting to look like chutney.

Well, I can't go to the party without my face beat.

I think I have a stomachache.

I don't think I can go tonight.

If she's not going, I'm not going.

Wait a minute.

Y'all have been so excited about this for weeks.

Your first night sleeping out.

My first night with you sleeping out.

- We're all excited. - Rude!

What?

You're gonna have so much fun.

And if I happen to have a little bit of fun

not being in charge of your fun for the first time

in, like, forever, well, then so be it.

But trust me, you're ready for this.

- Are you sure, Dad? - Of course.

Look, if you hate it, I'll come get you.

But then Sophie Wexler will make fun of us for leaving.

That's why it's just better if we don't go.

No! I mean, uh, look.

Let's just think.

If you gotta come home, just call me and say,

"Dad, are we having lasagna tomorrow?"

And then I'll come right over with a great excuse

of why you gotta leave, like night church.

- Hmm. - Hmm.

"Lasagna." I like it.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

My precious, little babies.

Your ride is here!

All right. Bye-bye!

Rick, I need you to take Gary out.

Out? Wow.

I did say I'd help you with whatever,

but killing my best friend is a big ask.

What?

I meant take him out for the night.

And also, Gary's your best friend?

Eh, I'm working on that.

That's why I bought him these: "BET: Uncut" DVDs.

It's his favourite program.

Didn't they stop making that show

because it was so degrading to black women?

Yes! However, where there's an eBay,

there's an e-way.

Thank you very much, doug@working69to5.com.

Gary does love big black butts.

I mean, look, I just want a night alone.

I haven't had many since I had kids,

or any since my father-in-law started squatting in my home.

None taken.

Oh, I thought you said, "no offense."

- Nope. - You should have.

Well, look, is it too much to ask

for one special night alone?

I mean, one night that I don't have to do anything

for anybody?

I can just do stuff that I love to do,

like eating bed cake

or eating bed bloomin' onion.

That's an incredibly sad itinerary for a special night,

but I did hear that Ludacris has a new crab joint

called "Ludacrabs."

You think Gary'd like that?

- You know what? - I think he will.

He will love it.

- My treat. - Awesome!

What do you think I should wear?

Anything else.

And in the end, Justin Bartha

was on top of the hotel the entire time,

but, ironically,

no one ever saw him again.

Okay, Pam, how are your recaps

longer than the actual movie?

- I'm passionate. - Okay.

Kenan, hey. I thought you left.

No, this isn't all for me.

Is that what you asked?

No, but now that you mention it...

All right, well, truth be told,

my girls went to their first sleepover tonight,

so I'm alone to do whatever I want.

It's gonna be like "The Purge," but "The Binge."

Mm, first sleepover. Yikes.

Yeah, don't get too comfortable.

Odds are, you're gonna have to pick them up.

Me and my friends, we watched "Candyman"

at my first sleepover, and I got so scared,

I peed in Katie Gianetti's sleeping bag.

I mean, I wasn't gonna sleep in pee.

That's disgusting.

Well, my girls will be fine.

- They're tough. - Yes, they are.

My first sleepover was great.

I had s'mores, we talked about boys,

conjured up my grandma with a ouija board.

- What? - Yeah. For real.

Man, please tell me you are not that crazy.

- Oh, no. - Here we go.

First of all, there's nothing crazy

about your loved ones who passed away watching over you.

I'm sorry, so you think that dead people

are just chilling around us at all times?

Yep, at home, at work, at the mall.

No. I'm sorry.

I don't buy that Cori is just floating over me

at an Ann Taylor loft.

Why are you at an Ann Taylor Loft?

I'm at where I'm at.

Look, Kenan, a deep connection

to the spiritual world runs in my family.

We believe our loved ones send us signs

or appear at totems, like their favorite animals,

- to help guide us. - And that makes you feel better?

It does.

Yeah, every time I see a blue jay,

I feel my grandma's presence, like she's watching over me.

Remember that day a bird dookied on my blazer?

That was Grammy just telling me shoulder pads aren't for me.

- Aw. - Okay, tell me.

What was Cori's favorite animal?

I don't know.

I mean, I guess she thought squirrels were cute...

- Yeah. - Which is ridiculous,

because squirrels are just rats with a blowout.

But wait, how did we even get on this?

I didn't come here to talk about animals.

I came here to eat some!

So yeah.

Cori's not watching over me.

My girls are fine.

It's gonna be the best night of my life.

Oh!

Hello?

Oh, that's right.

Nobody home but moi. Truly.

Do the usher.

Do the usher.

Anybody want me to do anything for 'em?

Hmm?

Well, you can't ask me

because I kicked y'all all out the house!

Even my girls...

Despite they obvious cries for help.

Hey. What's up?

I... I'm chilling. I was just calling to check on you, girl.

Uh, how's work?

It is Friday night.

I am getting ready for a date.

- Really? - Okay, fine.

I'm at work.

Give me two minutes. What's up?

Pam and Tami got in my head.

I think the girls were really scared

about their first sleepover,

but I made them go anyway.

Now I'm wondering if I pushed them away

before they was ready

just so I could finally have a night alone.

I'm sure they're ready.

Plus, every parent needs a break.

That's what mine told me

when they took extended vacations without me.

Look, you're just not used to being alone, all right?

My yogi says solitude brings all your deepest fears to the surface.

- Your yogi, Kyler? - Yeah.

The guy who has a tank top that says,

"the universe is my homeboy"?

Just enjoy your night off.

Okay. You're right.

Thanks.

Hey. Come to bed, cake.

Uh, you didn't hang up.

- It ain't what you think! - Oh, see, that's what guilty people say.

And let's toss in a lobster rollout my business

- for the table. - That doesn't sound Ludacris to me!

That's funny.

Okay, gonna "move, bitch, and get out" this order!

This is nice, huh?

Just the boys, the dawgs.

Yeah, sure.

I didn't know you were such a Ludacris fan.

Oh, yeah, man.

I love all them "Fast and Furious" movies.

It's like visual Cialis.

Huh. You know, there's something

I just can't stop thinking about.

Why we didn't do this sooner?

Mm-mm. Why are we here?

This place is whack as hell, man.

I know the streets said no snitching

in the hip-hop community, but I gotta take this to yelp.

People need to know.

I was just gonna say the same thing.

- So whack. - Yeah.

I mean, but...

Kenan was crying about wanting to have

his special night alone or whatever,

and so we're here.

We may as well enjoy each other's company?

Hey, that's weird. Kenan wanted to be alone?

I hope he's not depressed or anything.

Well, it's not weird to want to be alone.

It is for Kenan.

That dude is social.

When my mom said he was too old for family bath,

he refused to go to prom.

I just wish there was a way I could check in on him

without bothering him, you know?

Um...

What in the sick... you've been spying on us?

Oh, no! No, no.

Not spying. This is security.

Wait, is that a birthday cake?

What's the date?

Hold on, is Kenan's birthday coming up?

Oh, no. It must be today.

That's why he said he wanted his special night.

- Oh, he said special. - Oh, my God.

- We forgot Kenan's birthday. - How we do that?

- This is bad. - This is bad.

We gotta team up and throw him a party.

Yes! Yes, like, asap.

Ooh, asap mob throws the best birthday parties.

Rocky had a dirty Sprite Slip 'N Slide.

That thing was fast.

And sticky.

Sometimes when you talk, I feel like I'm having a stroke.

Hmm.

But I love it.

Okay. Ready?

Light as a feather.

- Stiff as a... - Hey, girls.

No, no, no. It's okay.

I'm Aubrey and Birdie's dad.

- Ugh, so lame! - Gosh.

Once again, I'm really sorry for scaring everybody.

And thank you so much

for having my girls over, by the way.

I just wanted to tell you that we're having lasagna tomorrow.

No, we're not having lasagna.

Yeah, you can't tell us when we're having lasagna.

We tell you when we want lasagna.

What if I want lasagna?

I have a lean cuisine lasagna, if that helps.

Nobody wants your tiny, sad lasagna, Jan, okay?

I'm sorry. No offense.

But come here.

- Dad. - Look.

I think I made a bad decision, all right?

You're not ready for a sleepover,

and I pushed you into it, but why don't you just come home

and we'll try again in, like, a year, or maybe five?

- I wanna stay. - Yeah.

They put parmesan on their popcorn.

I mean, it's insane, but it works.

Dad, are you maybe not ready?

Me? What?

No, I'm... I'm cool. I came here for y'all.

You know, I'm here to check on y'all.

But if you straight, I'm straight.

You did what?

I embarrassed them in front of Sophie Wexler.

She's super popular even though she don't even really know

how to tie her shoes.

Look, you need to relax, okay?

Go home and take some of Cori's calm gummies.

You told me she bought those in bulk.

Man, that fake crap?

I only take herbs recommended by a doctor...

Dre.

You're so cool.

Trust me. They work.

I take them to go to sleep.

Or to talk to my mother.

It'll take the edge off so that you can enjoy your night

and stop acting a fool.

Now I gotta go. I have a friend over.

No, you don't.

Rude!

Sleep. Uh, wake up.

Think. Wake up and think.

Calm. Calmer.

Calmest?

Calmest-er.

Huh, let me see what that's about.

Mmm!

What's that? Olallieberry?

Delish...

Mmm.

Wow, I do feel calmest... Er.

Might as well remind myself what all the fuss was about.

Yeah, it's just bikinis.

Well, there go the bikinis.

Y'all shouldn't be watching this.

You neither, Cori.

Well, you just everywhere, aren't you?

Huh. Sup, squirrel?

What the...

No, no... no, no, no, no, no!

Shoo! Get out of here, squirrel!

Cori?

Man, there's nothing sadder than a party supply store.

It's like Bloomingdale's for weirdos.

My brother wanting to be alone on his birthday is sadder.

Why doesn't he want to be around anybody?

Well, nothing that a big, old surprise party can't cure.

It's a classic case of two best bros

saving the day for a third best bro.

Me and Kenan are your best bros?

Uh, no. Of course not. Don't be ridiculous.

- I got tons of best bros... - Okay.

Like, well, I'll name you some.

- There's, um, Denny... - Mm-hmm.

Wendy, um...

Mike from Jersey, Mickey D...

Okay, wait, are you just naming restaurants?

Denny's, Wendy's, Jersey Mike's, McDonald's?

- No! No! These are dear friends of mine. - Okay.

One of them has really good fries.

And then I tried to shoo it away,

but it just sat right here on this picture of Cori

staring at me.

I think she's pissed at me for sending the girls

to that sleepover when they weren't ready.

Or maybe it was because I was watching "BET: Uncut"

in my cozies...

Which I was definitely was not doing.

- Uh-huh. - But maybe she's just,

getting used to her beady, little squirrel eyes.

How many of these did you take?

Oh, I Pac-Man'd that whole bottle.

They're not candy.

You're supposed to take, like, a half.

- They have side effects. - Right!

It was just the gummies.

Phew! Thank God.

You know, I was worried you was about to say something like...

You finally opened yourself up to the spiritual world,

Cori appears as her favorite animal,

and you do the worst thing ever,

you shoo her away.

That was exactly what I was worried you were gonna say.

Wait, but are you saying that as an example

of what I was worried you were gonna say,

or are you saying it?

Oh, I'm saying it. Definitely saying it.

Okay, so you need to put out some of Cori's favorite stuff

to lure her back.

Do you really think Cori is a furry rat now?

That sucks.

Okay, I don't think she's actually the squirrel,

but you see her in the squirrel.

And you know Cori would have my back on this

because she was a big believer in the spiritual realm.

And that furniture had feelings.

Yeah, but she also believed that expiration dates

were just suggestions,

and we both saw how sick she got off that go-gurt.

Okay, but what about those fertility earrings

that I gave her when y'all were trying to get pregnant?

Gave you two beautiful girls!

Uh, no. My sperms did that.

That's right, my doc said my count is "banonkers."

Kenan, why are you so resistant to the idea

of the spiritual world watching over you?

Look, I just don't want Cori watching over me!

Okay? What's going on?

It's just...

The thought of Cori watching my every move

is just too much pressure.

I mean, Cori had incredible parenting instincts,

and mine suck.

Like, you think it's a good idea to tell a kid

if they eat their vegetables, they can have dessert?

- Yeah, that sounds right. - Wrong.

- Oh. - It's the worst thing you can do.

It makes them "food insecure"?

I mean, parenting is so counterintuitive.

Like, I thought the girls were ready to go to a sleepover,

which probably means that they're not.

I mean, what if the other girls try to freeze their bras

or something while they're sleeping?

- What bras? - Oh, my God!

I didn't get them no bras!

They don't need bras. Yet.

Oh. Well, see?

I mean, Cori always knew the right thing for them,

but now I'm thinking about all of the decisions

I'm gonna have to make on my own...

- Look, Kenan. - You're right, okay?

Cori had amazing instincts.

Wow, I thought you was gonna try

to talk me off the ledge a little bit.

Which is why

she chose you to be the father of her kids.

She knew you'd be the best dad.

But...

What if she was just blinded by my raw sex appeal?

look, I'm sure Cori would be proud of all your decisions.

Except maybe the eating all your gummies ones 'cause...

- Oh, yeah. I'm hella faded. - Yeah.

Hi, girls.

Don't be scared.

We're just here to take two of you.

- Again? - Why does this keep happening?

All right.

I got a picture of the girls,

that Jodeci song that she used to like to get busy to,

a bloomin' onion... well, part of one

- Mm-hmm. - And her signature drink.

A Ros� on the Rocks.

But didn't the ice make it super watery when it melted?

Oh, she downed it way before that.

Got it.

And now...

Musk oil.

All right.

This is getting silly now.

What am I, luring a squirrel to my house

with musk and wine like I'm some woodland Bill Cosby?

And besides, everybody knows

squirrels don't even come out at night.

Oh, it just ran over my foot.

Okay. See?

I'm gonna leave you to it.

Just speak from the heart.

I guarantee it'll make you feel better,

whether you think Cori's in there or not.

SOFTLY: Hey.

Um...

So...

Guess this is like "Ghost" huh?

Except I'm Demi Moore, and you're Patrick Swayze?

In a squirrel?

I am so full of gummies right now.

God, Cori,

I don't know what I'm doing.

Like, for the longest, I didn't know the difference

between leggings and tights

until some helpful moms straightened me out

when I sent them to school with they undies showing

one too many times.

If I am doing all right, can you give me a sign?

Surprise!

No! Don't go, baby!

I mean,

it ain't what it looks like.

So yeah. No, I was chilling, you know?

Just loving being alone,

and then I felt bad that Mika was alone,

like, all the time,

so then, I called her up and invited her over

for a little night picnic. That's all. Right, Mika?

What... yeah. That's what happened.

Really, 'cause it looked to me

like he about to blow the back out of that...

Okay, girls, shall we go get some cookies?

- Yes, please. - Nah, man.

There wasn't nothing freaky going on.

Just me and lonely-ass Mika.

You know, she's such a sad mess of a woman.

She sure is.

I saw her changing clothes once in a parking lot.

Wait, is this a roast?

Okay, so if you wanna continue, Kenan,

I can just stay here with the girls.

No, no. I was just... I'm sorry.

Please go inside. That's it, people.

Just a simple picnic.

And then the squirrel rolled up

and I was about to handle it,

and then y'all got here.

Yeah, what the hell y'all doing here anyway?

Man, we ain't want you to be alone on your birthday, bro.

Don't worry, guys. I rehearsed the black birthday song in the car,

- so I'm ready. - Well, I know that's supposed to be sweet,

but it's not my birthday until next week.

And Gary, how did you not know that?

I knew it was coming up, man,

but then rick was so sure,

and I just got excited about throwing you a party.

Well, it's not totally on us.

I mean, you were acting all weird,

like your special night...

There's nothing weird about that.

Yeah, but you was eating birthday cake

all by your damn self, okay?

What were we supposed to think?

That birthday cake is my favorite kind of cake,

and you can get the ones that haven't been picked up

at the end of the day at Kroger for five bucks.

Wait, how did you see me eating cake anyway?

Uh-oh, Rick, you wanna take this one?

Don't turn this around on us.

You were the one that was wining and dining the rodent,

and if we hadn't shown up, you might've finished that rhyme!

The picnic was with Mika,

and I was just trying to be alone.

Okay.

All right, man. We'll let you be alone.

All right, y'all. Let's bounce.

But I brought a little Tupperware

to take cake home.

No, please stay!

I mean, uh...

Chill. Y'all already here.

Turns out being alone ain't all it's cracked up to be anyway.

- And I got cake. - Yes!

Well, I got part of a cake.

- Right? - That'll do.

Let's do it!

Hey, Deon, Jan.

Thank you so much for coming. Cheers, cheers.

Hey, you know, that lasagna was actually pretty good.

- See? - Yep.

- Pam, you good? - I'm great.

Phil, come on, man.

This is not one of those "take your shoes off

inside the house" type of houses.

Sorry.

You need a ride home, buddy?

- I finally got a new passenger seat. - Ooh.

My babies!

Thank you so much for ditching your little satanic ritual

to come to my not-birthday party.

Uncle Gary and Papa Rick made us,

but we wanted to come home anyway.

I knew it! You weren't ready.

No, we were ready for a sleepover,

just not with those monsters.

They tried to give us fruit for dessert

and wanted us to sleep on the floor.

Oh, my!

And clearly,

you needed some "lasagna."

Can we have cake even though we just had cookies?

Why not?

And you don't even have to eat your veggies first.

Boom! Parenting instincts.

- I'll be right back. - Okay.

Look, I'm sorry

that I put that whole thing about your sad life out there.

Not that your life is sad.

And I'm sorry that I made fun of you

for believing in all of that stuff.

Look, I'm not all the way there with you,

but I do feel better... so thank you.

Of course, and just so you know,

what I heard out of all that was, "Mika, you're right."

Well, people gonna hear what they wanna hear.

Sure.

It's a pretty dope birthday party.

Even though it's not Kenan's birthday.

And there's no clown.

Eh, it's just a classic case

of two best bros looking out for their third best bro.

Okay, what's up with this "best bro" stuff, man?

Why you keep trying to make me and you happen all night?

Gee, man, I...

I just don't have a lot of friends to hang out with.

The ones I have left are in Florida.

Or jail.

Or heaven.

Oh.

Whoa, yeah, I guess I never thought

about, uh, how much you had to give up

to be with Kenan and the girls.

Gary, I had a waterbed.

Ew.

Yeah.

Well, look, man,

for what it's worth, I had a lot of fun tonight, man.

I knew it.

- Best bros. - All right.

Hey, boys, thanks again for a great party.

Unless, of course, this is still a sleep gummy hallucination.

In which case, please take me to the hospital.

Yo, for real, though,

were you trying to smash that squirrel?

Of course not.

She was thick, though, wasn't she?

She was thick.

We need to keep this party going

till we get some alley cats up in here

'cause mama needs hers too.

What?

- Uh-huh. - Yeah...

What?

I know it's not fair.

It's just kind of weird when you do it.

- He's not wrong. - Why?

Again, it's not fair, but...

It's weird as hell.

- It is weird as hell. - "Alley cat"?

What's wrong with an alley cat?

- Why you got a homeless cat? - Not homeless!

I mean, with a little dirty, high butt walking around.

- Synced and corrected by afre - - www.addic7ed.com -