Original subtitles

ADAM: What is this, instructions?

"Hands slightly wider than shoulder-width apart..."

whatever, it's a push-up.

CALLIE: Adam, the computer crashed!

That's enough of that.

What's wrong?

It won't start. I...

I tried everything.

Hmm.

Apparently.

Fix it, fix it, fix it.

(keyboard clacking) Oh, this is not working.

And why are you naked?

'Cause I dig the freedom and I'm off the clock,

so suck on that, society!

As long as you thought that through.

Hey. Let me ask you something. Um...

How often is Lisa naked?

Oh, yeah, that's a real problem.

It's just not special anymore, right? Whoa, whoa.

I'm sorry, how is a naked woman not special?

No, naked women are great.

Yeah, the best. Especially when it leads to sex.

Precisely. Because look, when Callie and I were dating,

if she got naked, it meant... we were gonna do it.

Right? Now that we live together,

I'm not associating naked with sex

in the way that I want to. Yeah.

Huh. So then you wouldn't want a see-through shower curtain.

Oh, no, those are great.

Yeah. Makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Which I like a lot.

So, uh, why don't you just tell her?

Yeah, that'll work.

"Uh, hey, Callie, about your naked body, enough already."

Well, you know, if I were going for a look

and it wasn't being appreciated, I'd want to know about it.

What was that?

Nothing. Nothing. You're the best, man.

No, that was a look.

Is it about me? Something about my appearance?

Oh, no, is it like when we all told Lisa

it was time to lose the perm?

So what do you guys think?

How long's it going to be like that?

Uh, six months.

Oh, love it. Oh, it's great. Oh, yeah.

LISA: Yeah? I thought so. So interesting.

No, I can't take it. You got to tell me.

Okay, the thing is, uh, the necklace.

My necklace?

Lisa picked this out for me.

Yeah, she wasn't making the best decisions back them.

But I've had this since spring break Cancun, '96.

Well, what I'm hearing from that

is that it was in fashion last century.

Oh, okay, all right, you know...

message received.

You know, I thought you were going to tell me

to get some teeth-whitening strips.

That's definitely a good idea. You should check that out.

It's a good idea. I can't believe you guys.

Wow.

We did it.

It only took us 14 years.

MIKE: So what do we know about her?

Well, Chloe's mom up the street has used her a couple times,

(doorbell rings) she's in high school,

and she's punctual.

Okay. Remember the code.

If I refer to you as "babe," that means it's a no-go for me.

Right. And we don't pull the trigger on hiring her

until we talk privately first.

"Pull the trigger." God, I love your optimism.

Hi. Hi. I'm Savannah.

Your house is totally awesome.

You guys must be, like, bazillionaires.

Mwah. Oh, cutie.

(Savannah giggles)

Aw... like this?

SAVANNAH: Like that?

Can you believe this? I know, she's great with him.

(giggling)

You know what? I think we found our girl.

(gasps) Really? MIKE:

I get such a good feeling from you guys.

Oh, me, too.

Nah, I'm not a... not a hugger. Here.

Just... right in there.

Yeah, there we go. Okay.

Unbelievable.

Come on.

(knocking)

Callie, the food's here.

Unbelievable. You know, this guy took over an hour?

If he thinks he's getting a tip, this guy is dre...

(quietly): Hey.

Hey, come in, come in here.

Hey, I'm sorry for the delay, man.

Wait, what are you... Delay?

I ordered this, like, ten minutes ago.

You got here really fast. Too fast.

You know, you should, you gotta, um...

You should slow down from now on.

Yeah, right.

You know, I heard you complaining through the door.

You know, being in this chair has increased my other senses.

God, I... I'm really sorry.

I'm just kidding, man.

But I do have exceptional hearing.

I was just upset 'cause my computer broke, and, uh...

Hey, hey, dude. I'm starting a computer business

on the side.

I build computers.

I could check it out for you after I finish my other deliveries.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, that'd be great.

I mean, if you've got a better idea than my method of

just banging on it.

Say, half an hour?

Yeah, yeah. Cool.

That'll give you some time to clear out

those phone books down in that foyer.

What? You know, on my way in here,

I almost broke my neck?

Again?

I'm... I mean, I'm really sorry.

Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

I got MS.

Keep the change.

Hey. Why'd you pull the trigger?

Because she's great with Tommy.

Oh, really? Oh.

And did you happen to see how she's dressed?

(whispering): It's a little provocative.

Are you talking about the micro-mini or the pattern bra?

She's wearing a padded bra?

What? You just said that...

I said pattern. Pattern.

You know what, I don't...

She can't even sit down in that skirt.

Not that I want her to sit down.

Honey, Tommy loves her. Okay? Yeah, really? Oh.

Of course he does. He's got a hot blonde

who's paid by the hour to take care of his every need.

Who doesn't want that? She's a kid.

She's recently sprouted boobs... Shh! Don't say boobs.

She's happy with them. She's trying it out.

I think it's cute. Oh, really?

Yes. I'm telling you, Lisa.

Every litigation alarm bell in my head is going "Ah! Ah!"

Based on what? The fact that she's wearing a sexy top?

'Cause have you been to a mall lately?

It's like a strip club out there.

No, not just that. Did you hear her at the door?

"Oh, what a nice house you guys have.

You must be bazillionaires."

Who says that? A plaintiff in a civil lawsuit, that's who.

Look, I'm telling you, if we have a falling out,

all she has to do is make up some story, and who are they gonna believe?

The sweet, innocent, boob-spreading girl,

or the dirty old man who married her?

Married her? Hired her.

Okay, look. Mama needs a night out,

so what is your solution?

Hmm? (sighs)

(computer chimes)

All right. Your computer's fixed, pad thai's delivered.

Hey, I can get you twice the speed

on your Internet connection.

It's great for certain sites.

(laughs)

I don't, uh, I don't look at-- yeah, go ahead.

Why don't you speed it up? Okay. You know what?

I'm gonna do a virus scan on your laptop in the bedroom.

Take about ten minutes. All right.

You know, you should back up your stuff constantly, man.

Hey, I got a extra drive. I'll bring it back and hook it up.

Thank you. I wish I had a sister for you.

Actually, my girlfriend has a sister, but, uh...

you don't want any part of that train wreck.

CALLIE (singing badly): * You know me, you down with OPP *

* Yeah, you know me, you down with OPP *

* Yeah, you know me... * (player beeps off)

Hey, you finished already?

Well, I'm still going to pay you for the whole hour anyway.

I'm 'a-I'm 'a...

I'm 'a... I'm going to come back later.

(grunts)

All right, see you later, mon frere.

Oh... God. Yeah.

He didn't... Uh-huh.

And you were... Yes.

Did he...? Oh, yeah, all of it. Front and back.

Well... He also heard me singing.

Oh, my God.

LISA: So Mike and I couldn't help

but notice you dressed up for our interview.

I didn't notice. She noticed.

She's very into noticing.

Are you hungry, baby? Mommy's going to get you a nectarine.

He loves nectarines.

She's just right in the next room.

In fact, you can see her right there.

Hey, honey!

I should probably text my mom and let her know I'm still here.

She probably thinks I'm having sex with my boyfriend

in the back of my car.

Again.

(giggles)

What kind of car?

Oh, it's this old clunker.

As soon as I get more money, I'm going to buy myself a new one.

You guys have nice cars.

Lisa?!

How do you know that he didn't try to leave?

Um, because if he had, his hands would be on the wheels.

But they weren't. They were, like, out, like in neutral.

Those things probably don't have a very good turning radius.

And have you considered that his reflexes aren't up to par?

Listen, he may or may not have MS.

Why are you whispering?

What is wrong with you? We are not hiring this guy, right?

Here's the thing.

You're naked a lot.

What does that mean?

Most of the time you don't have clothes on your body.

Who invited him in?

He saw you naked, not me. I had my clothes on.

Yeah, it's always all my fault.

Yeah, but for the record, he didn't seem very happy about it.

What?!

I mean, he felt bad.

Oh, I know I've never been, but I'm dying to see England.

England, huh?

Well, you're in luck. Ethan Wright.

Uh, for your information,

my body is a freaking wonderland.

Yes, your body is a wonderful... land.

It's just that you have a tendency to...

Oh, no, no, no. Don't make this about me.

This is about you. You're the weird one.

You can't be naked ever.

I am naked... plenty.

Oh, come on.

You're like one summer away from wearing a T-shirt in the pool.

It's called a rash guard.

Yeah. Okay. I can't believe that you're okay

with Liam checking me out.

I would prefer it if he didn't, of course.

I'm just saying this would not be a problem

if you would, uh,

if you would put some clothes on.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

It's like you've taken all your values

and morals and just thrown them out the window to...

(printer whirring) Are you... are you printing wirelessly?

I am.

And if you would just suit up and kindly give this guy

another shot, this evening, you and your precious laptop

can be doing the same thing.

Well, you know, he has been through a lot.

That's what I'm saying.

Can you do that again?

(printer whirring) That's awesome.

(speaking indistinctly)

MIKE: Oh, look what the cat dragged in.

ETHAN: Hi.

Hello. You all right?

I hope you guys are happy. What's the matter?

I dumped my necklace and now my life has gone to hell.

I just had to valet my car like some homeless person.

I'm telling you,

I just struck out with a drunk woman who loves England.

And England is my thing.

You're right. You think this is the necklace's fault?

There is no other possible explanation.

I even got

my teeth whitened. See?

What else can it be?

Well, uh... Nothing. No, I got nothing.

Yes. Well, today I'm going down to the pavilion.

I'm going to get myself a new necklace.

And I called your wife and asked her to come with me,

because she has excellent taste.

Good idea. Oh. She told me to tell you to pick up Savannah.

Oh, God, no.

(laughing)

Savannah. That is the name of a stripper.

Basically.

No, it's the babysitter that Lisa hired,

although I asked her very nicely not to.

Yeah, the one he's convinced is gonna sue him. Hey, if you

would've heard what she said, or saw what she was wearing,

you would know that no good can come from this.

Much like his old necklace,

you're ridiculous. Oh, look,

I have a picture. You have a picture? What?

I-I have a picture of Tommy,

and she is playing patty-cake with him.

Right. But if there was ever a lawsuit, how would that look?

Answer: not good.

Not good. No.

Oh, God. I gotta delete it. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? Can't delete it.

No, no. I mean, if they depose us,

we don't want to have to say we saw you delete it.

Oh, God, you're right. WAITRESS: Here you go.

No, no. The cover-up is always worse than the crime.

Exactly.

CALLIE: Wow, you know, electronically speaking,

I don't think I've ever been happier.

What you need is speakers in your bedroom.

That way you won't have to wear the headphones.

Okay, you know what, buddy?

You can't just sneak a peek back there

and expect me to put up with it in my own living room.

If you want, I could get you wireless speakers.

That way you can listen to music directly from your laptop.

Is that something we can do today?

Absolutely.

You rock.

Hey, you know, I'm thinking of getting a water bed.

Oh, well...

Good luck with that.

Sleep is very important.

I have a picture of it. I could show it to you.

Aw, no, that's okay. I don't really need... Oops!

Oh! Dropped my purse.

Wow, are those, uh, are those condoms?

Please don't tell my mom.

I'm-I'm not going to tell anybody anything.

It has nothing to do with me at all...

Oh, my. Whoa!

Four, five, six.

Agh! Did you get them all?

Yeah, one's missing.

You know, it probably went under the seat.

You can just give it to me later.

No, no, no. Definitely we should go and get that. Yeah.

Okay. Just reach under... Whoa!

Okay, you know what, nah, we're good.

You know what, I'll just look... You know, we're gonna pull over.

It's crap.

Crap.

This sucks.

That sucks good, but doesn't suck enough.

All right.

Hey, what do you think? Ooh.

It's great, but we're looking for douchey.

Eyes on the prize. Keep looking.

Okay.

I... How many...?

Are you sure you had seven? Yes.

I remember I had ten,

and then Tyler came over when my mom was getting her hair done,

so, yeah, seven. Okay, you know, let me...

I can look though, really.

Oh, come on. (tapping)

Oh, uh, uh... Oh, boy.

Hey, Officer, how's it going?

What the hell's going on in here?

Oh, this is my babysitter.

I'm just giving her a ride...

I mean, to my baby. Oh, found it.

(nervous chuckle)

Kids.

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah. I would never let Michael out of the house with that.

Boom, we have a winner.

Looks good on you.

You are a smart man.

That'll be $13.75.

Oh, I have a ten and a credit card.

Let's just call it ten.

And it's on sale. The mojo is back.

Yes, it is.

SAVANNAH: Sorry about that.

It's just sometimes I make stupid choices.

Well... don't.

You're right.

I probably shouldn't be sexually active.

You know, I think I'm probably not the most appropriate person

for you to be talking to about this.

You're right.

I should be talking to Tyler, but he never listens.

He just gets angry.

We got in a fight this morning.

He said some pretty mean things.

Savannah, a guy is only going to respect you

as much as you respect yourself.

And if Tyler is the guy for you,

then he wouldn't want you to do anything

that you're not ready to do.

He buys me all these stupid clothes.

Trust me, there's plenty of time for you to be a grown-up.

For now, how about you just

be happy with where you are in life.

Be a kid. It's okay.

Yeah.

Here you go.

(sobbing) Thanks.

This car is so spacious.

We lease it.

So, for the record,

I always thought your perm was fantastic.

Oh, thank you.

I'd better go meet Mike. All right.

I'll see you. Good luck.

Okay. Hey, why don't you give the necklace a test spin?

ETHAN: I like where your head's at.

Bye. Bye.

So if I can guess what kind of wine you're drinking,

may I have a glass?

That depends. Did you already sneak a peek at the label?

I-I did.

Then yes.

All right. (both laughing)

Hi. Hi.

MIKE: Look, I don't want to oversell it,

but I was pretty incredible.

I was giving advice, Savannah was taking it.

It was amazing.

I hope we're lucky enough to have a baby girl one day,

because you would be a fantastic daughter dad.

The thing is, I would.

I can see it now.

She takes the semester off before going to college

to work with sick children.

Then she goes to med school where she can really help them.

I like that a lot. I like that a lot.

That's my girl.

What's this?

You wanted to hire her.

What's she talking about? I am naked plenty.

* Come on, come on, now let me tell you what it's all about *

* When you get down, you don't go round *

* Running off at the mouth *

* Down with OPP, yeah, you know me *

* You down with OPP, yeah, you know me *

* You down with OP... *

(player beeps off)

Got your speakers.

That is it. You're out of here.

But it was an accident. I just need you out of my life.

I see your girl naked, you're fine with that.

Yeah, but that's different.

What is it? Is it a dude thing?

No. You know, you're being very inconsistent here.

Well, maybe I am, but it's my apartment

and I can do whatever I want.

(door closing)

Well, I hope you want to be locked out.

(Adam groans)

(Liam sighs)

Okay, so 4:00 to 6:30--

so that's two and a half hours.

(doorbell ringing) And then if Saturday...

Oh, I'll be right back.

We'll just call it three.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Reilly.

You can call me... Mr. Reilly's good.

I borrowed your sweatshirt. I hope that's okay.

It's fine. Hey, and if you ever want to apply there,

guess who's writing you a rec?

Savannah, your friend is here.

Tyler, what are you doing here?

Didn't you get my text?

I said we're through. Is this the guy?

What? So this is the guy who says

he respects you more than I do?! Whoa!

Tyler, I am working! I am working! Guys...

You will not wake up my child!

You get over there. You get over there.

Unbelievable.

I told you this would happen. You over there.

Just saying. Just...

Of course, I had no idea it was turkey meat loaf.

(both laughing)

Oh, you know what? I've got to go.

What, really?

Yeah, I have to get to this guy's apartment in like...

How long does it take to get to your apartment?

You see, I love what you did there.

Yeah? Yeah.

Shall we?

Yes. All right, let's.

Oh, oh, hello.

Hello, little mate.

Yeah, this is my guide dog Brandy.

You're blind?

That is... that is great.

Well, I don't know if it's great, but I make it work.

Well, so you can't see my necklace.

Or the sky.

Or my kids.

I'm just kidding. I don't have kids.

Great.

I got you on that one.

Yeah, you got me. You got me good.

That was brilliant.

You know, you just... you can't behave like that.

You're right, Mrs. Reilly.

I need to learn to rein it in.

Oh, that's all right, Tyler.

Love makes us do crazy things, right?

Thanks for being so cool. Ah. And, honey,

you know, I know it doesn't feel like it,

but you're going to meet someone very, very soon.

You think? Yeah.

Come here. Oh.

Oh.

Mike!

Get your hand off her ass!

ADAM: Yeah, that's true.

You know, maybe Callie's right. Maybe I got body issues.

Which is just crazy.

Man, you got a beautiful body.

You've got exquisite working legs.

And from what I've seen,

you got strong arms.

Celebrate that, man.

Well, thanks. But I've got to take baby steps, you know.

I can't just jump in the pool.

Well, if you do jump in, don't jump in the shallow end.

That's how this happened. Oh, my God.

Nah, I'm just kidding.

You see, you're doing this all the time.

I don't know whether you're joking.

I don't know what to do here.

I know, that's why I do it.

Come on, man.

Stop overthinking everything.

I know. I mean, that sounds like a good idea.

It's just, I can't change who I am.

(elevator bell dings) Well, you're about to.

Hi, Adam.

Hi, Mrs. Ramirez.

I made muffins if you boys want some.

Oh, sure, we'd love a muffin.

No, no, we cannot have muffins.

I'm sorry, Mrs.... Come on, man. I would love a muffin.

Blueberry, chocolate.

Adam, jump into the pool. I don't know if I can jump in.

Come on, ándale.

Where are your clothes?

I'm not wearing any clothes, Mrs. Ramirez.

Can I have my muffin?

Good boy.

Kind of looks better on him.

I'll take your word for it.

(both laughing)

Step. Yep.

Sit. Mm-hmm.

Comfy? Yes.

(laughing)

(laughing)

Yeah, okay. I'm the weird one.

I saved you a muffin.

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