Original subtitles

So, you told her that?

Yeah. It was just a dream.

It doesn't actually mean anything. I tell her everything.

Everything? Mm-hmm. (groans)

Since Callie and I moved in together,

we have decided that we're going

to have a full disclosure policy.

I don't know. As a guy

who's been married six years,

I think you might want to reconsider that.

Okay, well, you do things your way.

I do things my way.

I am completely comfortable with it.

So, you did that right next to me

while I was sleeping?

You're a sound sleeper.

Just-Just right there?

Just took care of business? I was having trouble sleeping.

Yeah. Well, you could have woke me up.

Because I was literally three inches away from you,

and I generally take an interest in these kinds of things.

Hey, look. I'm you.

(stiffly): I am unnecessary now.

It's uncanny.

That is uncanny.

What are you, like, five years old?

Yes. (chuckling)

I just haven't stopped thinking about this.

I feel like I should be a little offended here.

No. I just needed to get to sleep.

Besides, all women do it.

No. No, they don't.

I happen to know that none of the women I've ever dated...

Yeah, they have.

Really? Yeah.

Even, uh... Yeah.

Well, not my...

Her, too.

(groans)

Oh, come on.

You do that, right?

Right next to Mike? No, never.

In a bubble bath with the door locked,

it has been known to happen.

But I would never tell him that

because men are really sensitive about satisfying our needs.

Yeah, I guess he did seem a little thrown.

Trust me. He's freaked out. They're all freaked out.

MAN (on speaker): Welcome to Frostie's. Can I take your order?

CALLIE: What was that?

(beeps)

Hi. Yeah, I'd like a large

double cream chocolate shake.

Hello? You still there?

(beeps)

Yeah. I, uh, must have hit a dead spot. Sorry.

MAN: You want to flavor-jack that for 50 cents more?

Busted.

All right. All right, fine.

Naughty girl.

Sometimes I sneak a shake on my way home from work,

and I don't tell Mike about it

because then I can't judge him for what he eats,

and I kind of live for that, so please excuse me,

but yes, sir, please flavor-jack me.

Jack her.

If you could jack me with all sorts of flavors...

Triple jack her!

LISA: That's inappropriate.

(cell phone ringing) It's Lisa.

Hey, babe.

LISA: Hey, babe. Bad news.

The sitter canceled.

We can't see Revengeance tonight.

Oh, come on.

I haven't seen a movie since before Tommy was born.

Actually, he went to the movies yesterday morning.

Ooh... Okay, well...

I guess I'm just going to stay at the gym

and work out a little longer, you know?

Maybe do another set. You know.

Blast the quads.

LISA: Yeah, blast those quads.

Blasting your quads.

Or just stay at the bar and have another beer.

Honey, I know you're at the King's Head.

Oh, there is a pharmacy 400 feet east of you.

Can you pick up some diapers, babe?

What?

How do you know I'm at the King's Head?

It turns out our new phones have this GPS thing.

And we can track each other's location.

It's cool, huh?

Totally cool.

Yeah, my secretary showed me this morning.

We've been tracking you all day.

Man, you get around.

She's crafty. I'll give her that.

But I got her right where I want her.

What are you talking about? She's got you on GPS.

She just told you that she is tracking you in real time.

How do you have her where you want her?

Because she told me.

That's a textbook rookie mistake.

If you're KGB, you don't tell the Americans

you've got eyes on the ground.

'Cause you don't want your spies to get murdered.

Exactly. You're an idiot.

You're an idiot. Question is, how do I play this?

How to play this.

Why don't you just tell her you don't want the GPS?

'Cause if I tell her I don't want the GPS,

it actually creates more problems

than if I actually have the GPS.

No, no, no. I need to get her to ask me to get rid of it.

And I have all the tools to do it.

(cell phone rings) Pretty sure I'm looking at a big tool right now.

You're a big tool.

(chuckles)

Oh, good news.

Someone died. Oh, nice.

What are you talking about?

One of his EMT buddies got him a side gig

delivering organs.

ADAM: Like, organs, like...?

No, no, no, no. Kidneys, hearts, what have you.

I actually delivered a pair of eyeballs yesterday.

There is a girl in Chicago

right now who can finally see her puppy.

Oh... Oh, that's sweet.

I know. Of course, it's the same puppy who ripped out her eyes,

so there's some bitter irony right there.

But you know, what can you do? Double time.

See you later. See ya.

That story was both happy and sad.

You're an idiot.

You're an idiot.

All right. All right.

Hey, Kev. Hey, what's up, buddy?

Dude, I love the piece you did on Ricky Jay.

Oh, thank you.

No, look at me.

I loved it.

I believe you.

Also, just very quickly,

between me and you,

I feel bad about the whole promotion thing.

Now I'm your boss, and I make a lot more money than you.

But things are not going to change at all,

but I got a lot of work for you.

I need an article. Option one.

Okay, what is...

Sextasy: Flipping the Switch to Better Sex.

Mm-hmm. Quick review.

Something kind of punchy, something kind of naughty.

Maybe your graphic is...

like, a chick on a jet ski.

Wait. Two chicks on a jet ski.

Their badonks are all tooted, right?

(chuckles) I just...

I don't even know what that means.

But listen, um...

These books are so depressing.

You know, it's like the second you get one of these things,

you're just admitting that the best days

of your relationship are over.

Come on. I wouldn't know, because Kev likes...

Hookers? Yeah. Prostitutes.

(chuckles) So we also need a piece

on getting rock-hard abs.

What would I have to do?

You got to get rock-hard abs, bro.

Pass.

Okay, what else?

Okay, this is a little thing I call "Tased and Confused."

What is that? Shh.

It's for the "You Did What?" section.

Basically, you play a video game while I Taser you, and...

I'll do the book.

Great. Done and done.

So we're all cool, right?

Um, we're cool. Totally cool.

Love it.

* Going to the gym to work out my glutes *

* Got those shoes that make me walk like Joe Montana. *

MIKE: So you'd have us believe

that when you patented Dimethylhydrasulfazine

you had no idea, despite numerous inter-office emails,

that it would result in rapid testicular...

(phone beeps)

Milkshake.

She's getting another milkshake. Second day in a row.

Sorry about that. It's just, uh, I got her.

I am so glad you finally had a layover

long enough for us to make this happen.

This gumbo's amazing.

You're amazing.

Should we give the rest of the gumbo to Carl?

Oh, no, no. He's allergic to oysters.

Wait. Oysters?

(barks)

Now, what kind of a medical professional

doesn't ask a woman if she's allergic to shellfish?

I had my mind on other things.

Ah, yes. Your precious gumbo.

You didn't complain on your birthday.

I told you, I don't want to talk about my birthday.

Oh...

Sweetheart?

Do you know what a tracheotomy is?

Gonna enjoy it. It's a real rush.

(knocking at door)

Hey. I'm coming in.

Just in case anybody is masturbating...

(chuckles) Hi.

I ordered in.

Excellent.

Gonna wash up.

Kevin hugged me. I smell like a limo driver.

(knocking at door)

Hi. Food delivery.

Thank you. Come on in.

Oh, man. This place looks great.

How much?

Uh, it's $14.95, please.

Oh, yeah, let me run that through.

Boop, boop. Declined. We don't take credit cards.

Oh. Cash only.

Sweetie, do you have cash?

Yeah, my wallet's in my bag.

Yeah, my uncle has this weird distrust of credit cards,

and banks.

I don't really...

I know you're hoping I did not see that book.

But I did.

Oh, it's not what you... It's a sex book.

Mm-hmm. Yes, it is.

Okay. Shh.

Don't be ashamed.

I see shame on your face.

It does not belong there at this time.

Okay. Things get stale.

The only shame is in not doing something about it.

Okay?

Oh, looky here, Paul. It's a 20.

That's a great tip. Thanks so much. Thank you.

Have a good night.

And now let me give you a great tip.

When I did the book with my... friend,

we learned these are not rules.

They're suggestions.

Don't be afraid to improvise.

"Oh, no. He did something unexpected. What should I do?"

You roll with it.

Never yell "cut."

Never yell "cut."

Is that the guy? Getting clean

for the big night, huh?

Uh, not sure what you mean by that.

You know what I mean.

(clicks tongue)

CALLIE: No, I didn't bring it up because he didn't bring it up.

I told you, you probably freaked him out.

That's why I bought my own copy of the book.

Yeah, you did.

You give me details, and I'll go get a shake.

Oh, it's weird. It's full of all these scenarios

that are just silly and, like, really, like, prop-intensive.

Oh, I wish I could talk to him.

It's just so awkward.

So talk with your hips, bitch.

Just drop one on him. Be like, bam!

"What just happened?"

"Sex from a book, baby."

"I just rocked you with a book." (laughs)

"Me, girl. You, boy. And we are gonna knock this..."

Oh, it's Mike. Can you wait a second?

Yeah. Me wait.

Hey, babe. I'm almost home.

MIKE: Yeah, I can see that. I'm tracking you on the phone.

You got to get off Grand. Um, what?

I'm five blocks ahead of you, and there is a huge accident.

Total gridlock. What? No. No, there isn't.

I'm telling you, it's crazy.

You know, your next left is your last chance to avoid...

Honey, I'm-I'm just right there.

I'll just go a little bit longer and...

No. The sitter is waiting,

and you know how she gets if you don't get home on time.

Turn the wheel. Turn the wheel! I know, but I can...

Turn the wheel! Okay, fine! I'm turning the wheel!

I'm turning the wheel, Michael. (horns honking)

Nicely done. See you at home, baby.

Mmm. Oh, these are good.

So just tell Mike you want to lose the GPS thing.

I can't just come out and say that.

I'll completely lose the moral high ground.

You have the moral high ground?

Screw it.

I deserve a shake.

Hey! I'm turning! I'm turning! I'm turning! Wait!

MAN: Hey! What are you doing?! You're not helping!

(horns honking) Just, everybody, calm down!

* *

* I'm crafty *

* I'm crafty. *

All right. Well played, Michael.

But be aware.

You just woke a sleeping giant.

And that giant's name is Lisa.

Lisa the giant.

Can I see it?

Ramon, I'm a professional.

I can't just...

Quickly, quickly.

Huh. I did not think lungs would be so small.

That's because they're testicles, Ramon.

I did not think testicles would be so big.

They're like grapefruits.

He must have been a great man.

There you are.

Here I am. You beat me home.

Thanks to you.

Oh, it was nothing.

Mm-hmm. (smooches)

Oh, hey. I want to talk to you about the phone.

Oh, really? What about the phone?

Well, about the apps.

Any app in particular?

Yes, actually. The GPS.

Really?

What sort of problem are you having

with the global positioning system?

No, honey. I'm not having a problem.

I just wanted to tell you that I upgraded it.

(coughing) You all right?

Yeah. Just spicy.

Upgrade, huh?

Yeah. As soon as I got home.

I mean, you really saved my bacon

out there on the road today.

You were like... an angel on my shoulder.

Yeah. So, what's this, uh, new awesome upgrade do?

Oh, for an extra five bucks a month... Mm-hmm.

...it sends us a text every time one of us changes location.

Right? Oh.

(beeping) Oh.

(gasps) The upgrade kicked in!

Guess who is home! Ah!

Yeah. You. Yeah, that's...

You see that dot? It's you! Yeah.

Ooh, I know. I'm going to go into the living room.

And you tell me if it sends you a text.

It's totally sensitive. (chiming)

It should send you one any minute.

Babe, did you get it?

I don't know why... Yup, that's you.

Yay!

Oh, I'm gonna try the porch, okay?

Look at your phone! Look at your phone!

Look at your phone! (chiming)

There he is.

Yes, that guy who lives here.

I got plans for us tonight.

Hit the shower, sport.

Okay. Are we gonna go out?

Because check this out. (sniffs) Think I'm pretty good.

I said, "Hit the shower, sport."

I mean, I...

I don't smell, but I'm gonna...

Whatever.

The third shower I've taken today.

It's completely unnecessary. I was clean, you know.

(Southern accent): What are you doing in here?

I'm taking a shower.

Um, you-you asked me to take a shower.

No, I mean, what are you doing

in the girls' locker room, Coach Saunders?

What, um... What is happening?

I know it's wrong, but you're just so hot,

the way you look at me in gym class.

Oh, God. Older men!

Please don't tell my parents.

I-I won't?

Mmm.

ETHAN: Wait. A high school gym teacher?

Oh, it's fabulous.

So you wore a whistle and everything?

Doors were closed, rules were broken.

What we did would technically be

grounds for dismissal immediately

in any right-thinking school system.

And you're saying that she drove this?

Of course she did. The girl was desperate.

She flunked her midterm.

I got to tell you, man.

I'm having a hard time picturing you doing this.

What are you talking about? He's Coach Saunders.

He's a legend. ADAM: Thank you.

And I do think I had sort of

a cool take on the character, because I was tough,

but fair. Not, like, you know, Great Santini tough,

but education is important to me.

I think I got my point across.

ETHAN: No, you had to.

It's your job, damn it! ADAM: What I didn't tell her,

was in my back story, I had taken the team

to State three years in a row,

which is a big deal in Louisiana,

because for a while there, sports is all we had, you know.

I mean, it was fun, but it just didn't feel like us.

I think that's the point.

Yeah, but role-playing? Is that where we're at?

So make it a one-off. You tried it. Put it behind you.

In fact, I'm taking this to the trash,

'cause you were just getting in your head about it.

The... trash.

You know, I think if I'm going to be living with this character

for a while, which I certainly am,

I need to work on the back story a little bit.

Oh, good. Hear me out.

Your need to win is driven by the fact

that as a child, you had polio.

Yes, yes. I love that. I'm gonna steal it.

Yeah. You know, they've largely eradicated polio, okay?

What do you care, Mike? This is my sex game.

You know what? I don't care. You're right.

I don't. I really don't, because I don't need a sex game.

You know why? Because Lisa is totally satisfied.

You're saying this is all happening

because Callie's not satisfied?

Dude, you're the only one who can answer that.

All I'm saying is that when Lisa and I make the sweet love,

afterwards, she takes a long bubble bath,

and then purrs like a kitten.

Yeah, you put that image in my mind without permission.

(horns honking)

So, the Hanrahan deposition canceled.

Which means my day is done early.

And because I know you'd want to know,

Revengeance is playing at 4:00 at the Vista.

Really? The Vista? That's right.

The place where they let you pump your own nacho cheese.

Oh, they are so stupid for letting me do that.

(speed-dials)

Hey, babe. Yeah, look, I'm gonna be stepping

in this deposition for the next three...

Four. ...four hours.

So I'm going to be off the grid.

Okay. I will, uh, see you at home, then.

Love you.

We are switching phones.

You're only going to call me if Lisa calls you,

and I'm only going to call you

if that guy you like calls.

I know, but we'll keep our fingers crossed.

Sorry. Hope I didn't keep you waiting. Don't worry about it.

I was just hoping to get out early and catch a movie.

I don't exactly tell my wife.

Yeah, well, you know what they say on the airplane, Ramon.

You have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

Ay, el corazón.

The heart. The king of the organs.

It's cool, right? Ah.

So, it says here you got six hours

until the doctor arrives from Seattle.

Ethan?

Renee! (laughs)

What are you doing here?

I'm on a quick layover from Barcelona.

Oh, you look great. I love the scarf.

There's a hole in my larynx.

I know. I put it there while saving your life.

Please tell me you have a few hours to kill.

Ugh! I mean, well, there was something

I had to do, but, uh,

I can put it on ice.

Good luck with your organ, my friend.

He can sense the chemistry.

He is going to have sex with her.

(whistling blowing)

(normal voice): Oh! Hey.

What's up?

(Southern accent): I was just gonna ask you

the same thing, Miss Lady.

Oh. Okay. We're doing that again.

What we're doin' is learnin'.

Learnin' what happens when we forget our permission slips.

Uh, for the field trip.

To the aquarium.

(Southern accent): Why are we going to the aquarium?

Uh, you know, because learning isn't limited

to the classroom, young lady.

(normal voice): Okay, time out. Hmm?

Look, just because I masturbated next to you in bed

does not mean that I'm not satisfied with you.

(Southern accent): Well, then why did you spr...?

(normal voice): Why did you spring this whole Coach Saunders thing on me?

I was just trying to keep up with you.

You're the one who brought home that sex book.

Wait. What sex book?

Look. See, now I can hold my nose and still breathe.

(squeaking)

Oh, you are fantastic.

Why don't we head up to the room and, uh...

Oh, but not quite ready for our siesta just yet.

I'm still on Barcelona time.

Right. Uh, it's just

that you're so irresistible.

And the heart can't wait forever.

Sure, it can.

No, it can't.

Pretty sure it can.

So you're okay with what we do?

Our-Our repertoire?

Of course. I'm a big fan of our repertoire.

Even your solo work.

Good, 'cause you're kind of hard to read sometimes.

Oh, really? I kind of love that.

Would you say that I also have a dark side?

Oh, no.

I always wanted one.

(giggles)

Come on, let's just stick to us for now.

Totally, 'cause we're good together.

Yeah, we're awesome.

Although... Oh, yeah, I see.

(Southern accent): You want another night of Coach Saunders.

Huh? Kind of do.

I mean, I did a lot of work on the character.

You know what I mean? I'd like to complete that arc. Okay.

You open to pitches?

Okay, hold that thought.

I just have to run to the loo for a second.

(sighs)

Now don't you start without me.

(laughs)

Actually, do start without me.

MAN (on screen): Oh...

Excuse me, sir. Is this seat taken? Oh.

Hey.

Yeah.

(yelling and explosion on screen)

Spike told you?

No. You never call me to say you have a deposition.

You're so obvious.

Plus, I have been talking about this movie a lot, huh?

You acted out the trailer at breakfast.

Yeah, I did.

Well, I guess we're both pretty predictable.

Both? How am I predictable?

I'm the one that tracked you.

Yeah, just like I knew you would.

Yeah, okay, Mike.

Well, if I didn't expect it, then why would

I have gotten you this milkshake?

Wow.

All right. I'm impressed.

(rapid gunfire on screen)

Mike, this...

Yeah, it's Diet Dr. Pepper.

I didn't really think that last one through.

You're so cute when you're outwitted.

(explosion and yelling on screen)

Today. Outwitted today.

Mm. Yeah.

Yeah. Give me a kiss.

(man yelling on screen)

(toilet flushing) All right, darling, we are good as new.

Oh! Mmm! I hope you don't mind.

I was starving. Mmm.

Oh, my God, what are you doing?!

It's a bit saltier than I expected.

I have to go.

Mmm. You're so bad, sneaking into movies behind my back.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Look at you, sneaking shakes behind my back.

You know I need my sugar every day.

I'll give you some sugar.

I'll give you some sugar right now, huh?

Too far? No, I liked it.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna get some sugar all over your face.

Okay, that was too far. Why would you say that?

I was just... Sorry.

Corazón!

Corazón! Corazón!

Corazón! (screams)

CALLIE: Please don't tell my parents I'm drinking.

I signed that pledge.

No, it's okay, Nancy.

It's just going to be our little secret.

Oh, Bill.

Mm.

Oh, no way! That is awesome!

I mean, the level of detail here and the character work.

(laughs) Mmm.

(brakes squeaking)

(siren toots)

Oh, my God, it's the cops!

Ooh. Okay, it's cool. I'm just gonna tell 'em

I forgot my I.D., and you're gonna roll with it.

How old are you? 15.

Almost.

Oh, Nancy, I can't go back to jail.

Callie?

Bill. Hi... hi!

Hi. Uh, hi.

Adam Goodman. Oh, hi. Bill Saunders.

I don't know if you heard.

We won State this year.

Oh. Great.

Anyway, I-I... I got to go.

I'm meeting my wife.

Oh, good, you guys got back...

Yeah, yeah.

Go... go, Ducks!

Yeah.

It's great to see you again.

Yeah, you, too. Nice to meet you, Coach Saunders.

Coach Saun... That's the guy, right? That's the guy...

We're gonna get you a big popcorn. Wow.

I love you. He doesn't have an accent.

I have so many questions for him.

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