Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,304 --> 00:00:04,844
So what happened here?
2
00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:07,575
You ever use the phrase
"bonebag"?
3
00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:08,581
No.
4
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:09,612
MEN:
Don't.
5
00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:13,546
I mean, yeah,
you would think that.
6
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:15,224
But actually not everything
is good in a taco.
7
00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:16,823
Hey, that guy
just cut you off!
8
00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:17,894
(horn honks)
9
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,491
Hey, stop it! That is not cool.
10
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:21,823
All right, when I'm driving,
I'm the horn captain.
11
00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:22,989
Yeah, okay, Captain.
12
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,257
Well, then use your horn
13
00:00:24,325 --> 00:00:25,555
like a man.
(horn honks)
14
00:00:25,626 --> 00:00:26,586
Hey.
15
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:27,860
(sighs):
God.
16
00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:29,858
(horn honks)
Oh, my G...
17
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:32,030
(tires screech)
18
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:35,602
That's very nice.
That's really good.
19
00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:37,309
I'll make sure she gets
the message, buddy.
20
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,741
Hey, screw you, bonebag!
21
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,336
ADAM: Stop it.
Just-- enough already. What?!
22
00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:41,378
I just took a finger bowl
for you. What'd you call me?!
23
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:43,612
Adam...
Just let it go.
24
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:44,747
Oh! Oh, my God!
25
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,652
I'll break your nose!
26
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,124
Bonebag!
27
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:49,682
What does that even mean?!
28
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:53,218
Oh...
29
00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:54,517
I got one conference
in the afternoon,
30
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:58,028
and then I got the hotel room
all night.
31
00:00:58,092 --> 00:00:59,992
Honey, we can have sex here.
32
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,100
I'm not talking
about sex.
33
00:01:01,162 --> 00:01:02,162
Excuse me.
34
00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:03,500
I'm talking
about hotel sex.
35
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,174
I do enjoy a postcoital
pillow chocolate.
36
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:08,204
But you know what,
he's so young.
37
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:10,069
We've never spent
the night away from him.
38
00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,808
Is that something
we even want to do?
39
00:01:11,872 --> 00:01:13,072
Yes! Absolutely.
40
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:14,241
We totally want--
41
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:15,608
I love Tommy.
Come on, Tommy's great.
42
00:01:15,676 --> 00:01:16,606
Tommy, high five.
43
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,507
Yeah!
Yeah!
44
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,409
(whispers):
But he's a little needy.
45
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,445
(whispers):
He takes after his daddy.
46
00:01:23,517 --> 00:01:24,547
(laughs)
47
00:01:24,618 --> 00:01:25,848
Plus, we don't have
48
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:27,389
a sitter we trust for the night.
49
00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:28,485
How about Adam and Callie?
50
00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:30,616
Yeah, they'd want to do that.
51
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:32,331
Come on.
Adam's been asking for months.
52
00:01:32,393 --> 00:01:34,063
Oh, oh, really?
If I can get him,
53
00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:35,128
are we in?
54
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,926
Are you in?
55
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:38,067
All right, all right.
56
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:39,432
If he-- if they'll do it.
57
00:01:39,500 --> 00:01:42,040
But the hotel better have
a crazy-high thread count,
58
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,142
'cause it's been so long.
59
00:01:43,204 --> 00:01:44,774
I already checked.
60
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:45,768
It's off the hook.
61
00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:47,639
Oh, I love you.
62
00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:52,378
(sighs)
63
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,246
This guy's too old
to be having sex.
64
00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:55,915
I hate my job.
65
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:57,723
(man groans)
66
00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,415
Oh, man!
67
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:01,417
It's been 24 hours,
and this thing won't go down.
68
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:02,519
You guys
got to do something!
69
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:03,920
ETHAN: All right,
take it easy, sailor.
70
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:05,061
We'll be at the hospital soon.
71
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,085
Try to relax.
72
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,230
MAN:
I'm trying to relax,
73
00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:08,825
but you guys have no idea
74
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:11,266
what it's like to be in
a perpetual state of arousal.
75
00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:12,902
Oh, I believe I do.
He does.
76
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:15,036
He's like an animal.
77
00:02:15,102 --> 00:02:16,242
Well, you are.
78
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:17,414
Trust me, son,
79
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,541
you don't want
to turn out like this.
80
00:02:19,607 --> 00:02:21,977
I never made
a lasting commitment.
81
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:25,652
I only cared about
my pleasure.
82
00:02:25,713 --> 00:02:30,353
I never made room for love.
I never made room for love.
83
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:33,948
I never made room for love.
84
00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:35,361
(filtered breathing)
85
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:41,957
ETHAN:
I'm telling you,
86
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:43,359
it was horrible.
87
00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:46,571
The sweaty desperation,
his whole old boner dude aura.
88
00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,474
Whew. Like watching
Larry King Live.
89
00:02:48,536 --> 00:02:50,196
Hey, wait a second.
That man is a broadcaster,
90
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,511
he's not a punch line.
91
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:52,842
Really?
92
00:02:52,906 --> 00:02:54,836
Just sick of people making fun
of Larry King, you know.
93
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,738
(laughs)
Guy's been delivering news 53 years,
94
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:57,780
gets no respect.
95
00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:58,905
I like Larry King a lot.
96
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,149
ETHAN: And, see, listen,
it's fine for you guys.
97
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,575
You have a great thing
with Lisa,
98
00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:03,950
you and Callie
are on the road.
99
00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:05,717
Yeah, we're on the road.
Unless somebody cuts me off.
100
00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:07,286
The other day,
she almost got me killed.
101
00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:08,685
She starts yelling at some guy
while I'm driving.
102
00:03:08,756 --> 00:03:10,586
So Callie's got
road rage, huh?
103
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:12,258
Yeah, she's got everything rage.
I don't know
104
00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:13,386
if she can control it.
105
00:03:15,363 --> 00:03:17,473
Y-You took two?
106
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,831
Y-You paid for one,
but you took two.
107
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:23,240
Hey, extra, extra, bonebag
thinks rules don't apply to him!
108
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:24,744
(Callie coughing)
109
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,665
(exaggerated coughing)
110
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:30,636
Hey! Hey!
Whoa!
111
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,681
Give me an egg.
What are you gonna do?
112
00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:33,676
Bonebag!
113
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,222
Oh! Nailed him!
114
00:03:36,284 --> 00:03:37,224
(tires screech)
115
00:03:37,285 --> 00:03:38,485
Oh, crap, run.
116
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:39,522
MIKE:
Bonebag?
117
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:40,547
What does that even mean?
118
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:41,891
ETHAN:
I think she's combining
119
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:43,185
"douche bag" and "bonehead."
120
00:03:43,257 --> 00:03:44,627
It's kind of
elegant wordplay actually.
121
00:03:44,692 --> 00:03:45,562
Like "spork."
122
00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:46,726
Yeah, yeah,
exactly like "spork."
123
00:03:46,794 --> 00:03:48,234
Think what really
sets people off
124
00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:49,896
is the whole ambiguity of it,
you know.
125
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:50,933
That and the crazy eyes.
126
00:03:50,998 --> 00:03:52,528
But let me
tell you this.
127
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,940
If something was to actually
go down, I'd be all over that.
128
00:03:56,003 --> 00:03:58,943
You know, 'cause I'm six-five,
not afraid to mix it up.
129
00:03:59,006 --> 00:04:00,266
Mix it up?
130
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:01,741
Really? Is that what you do?
131
00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,679
Been known to mix it up.
Next time
132
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,854
you mix it up, can you let
me know? I'd love to see that.
133
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:08,523
Thing about that is, you can't
actually see it when I mix it up
134
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,182
with your human eyes.
135
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:11,750
'Cause I'm so fast,
I'm like a blender.
136
00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:13,189
You know what I'm saying?
Mm-hmm.
137
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,763
Yeah, you got to
embrace Callie's anger.
138
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:16,956
Lisa, she has
this crazy hatred
139
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,634
for stores that claim to
be going out of business.
140
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:19,592
Hmm?
Frankly, I don't really care.
141
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:20,960
It's been consistently proven
142
00:04:21,028 --> 00:04:22,358
to boost sales.
I know.
143
00:04:22,430 --> 00:04:24,100
But I pretend that
it drives me crazy,
144
00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:25,174
you know, for
Lisa's sake.
145
00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:26,802
It calms her down
and it gives us
146
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,067
something to be
angry about together.
147
00:04:28,135 --> 00:04:29,135
(horn honks)
148
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:30,842
Oh, my God! Really?!
What?
149
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:31,914
What?
Look.
150
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:33,812
Guess who's going
out of business again.
151
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:36,344
How many times can a futon store
go out of business?
152
00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:37,950
Oh, come on!
153
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:39,451
I can't believe you!
154
00:04:39,513 --> 00:04:41,323
Who do these bastards
think they are?!
155
00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:43,422
(sighs):
God.
156
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:44,494
God, I love you.
157
00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:46,052
You see, that's
beautiful.
158
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,359
That's what I'm talking about.
159
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:48,691
From now on, I only want
160
00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:50,286
the kind of commitment
you guys have.
161
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:52,328
Wow. That old man
really shook you up?
162
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:54,063
I am making room for love.
163
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,697
You know, I've already signed up
for an online dating service.
164
00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,174
Yeah, I'm only gonna date women
165
00:04:58,231 --> 00:04:59,431
who are looking for
something serious.
166
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,770
In fact, under "hobbies,"
I put listening...
167
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:02,635
Wow.
Okay.
168
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:03,673
...and feeling my feelings...
169
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,237
Whatever that means.
...and brunch.
170
00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:07,005
Oh, that's great.
Everybody loves brunch.
171
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:10,214
So, uh... (sighs)
I got something incredibly fun
172
00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:11,477
brewing Saturday night.
173
00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:12,645
What are you and
Callie doing?
174
00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:14,353
Yeah, Saturday night--
we're wide open.
175
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:16,445
Awesome. You guys can
watch Tommy while Lisa and I
176
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:18,387
go downtown, stay in
this really cool hotel.
177
00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:19,952
That does sound incredibly fun.
178
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,150
Yeah.
For you.
179
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:23,191
Come on.
I wouldn't trap you like that
180
00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:24,786
unless it meant something to me.
181
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:26,728
Gentlemen, here's to finding
a beautiful woman who's looking
182
00:05:26,794 --> 00:05:28,834
for a lifetime of commitment
just like you two have.
183
00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:30,526
Hey, I want to have
what you two have:
184
00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:32,198
Saturday night with no kid.
185
00:05:32,265 --> 00:05:33,495
And you can have
what Lisa and I have
186
00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:34,467
by watching Tommy
on Saturday night.
187
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:35,565
See? To everybody having
188
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:36,966
everyone else's lives.
189
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:38,567
Hear, hear!
I never actually said I wanted it.
190
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,009
Yeah, but you clinked,
so that happened.
191
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:40,973
Mm, mm.
Oh, my God.
192
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,681
It's done.
193
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,778
ADAM: Seriously,
this parenting thing is easy.
194
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,547
Yeah, he's a good
little eater, huh?
195
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:51,276
Yeah. You haven't had
to call him a bonebag once.
196
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,721
Must be your motherly instinct
kicking in.
197
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:54,516
Yeah, okay, just to be clear,
198
00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:57,188
we're not using this weekend
as a trial run for anything.
199
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,627
Oh, you mean
raising our own child?
200
00:05:58,692 --> 00:05:59,632
God, no.
201
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,603
The only upside
to raising a child so far
202
00:06:01,662 --> 00:06:02,762
is these, uh, teething cookies.
203
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:03,660
God.
204
00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,371
Do you smell something horrible?
205
00:06:05,433 --> 00:06:07,003
No, no.
206
00:06:07,067 --> 00:06:08,837
I don't smell anything.
I didn't do anything.
207
00:06:09,970 --> 00:06:11,810
It was him.
208
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:14,906
Yeah, I assumed so.
209
00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:15,935
Oh, yeah.
(chuckles)
210
00:06:16,009 --> 00:06:17,309
I'll go change him.
211
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,607
Come on, cutie pie.
212
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,179
Yeah, snap a new one on him.
213
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:21,207
(cell phone chirps)
214
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:22,351
MIKE:
Ah, bonebag!
215
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:23,446
What is it?
216
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,047
"Bonebag"?
Oh, Callie invented it.
217
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:26,318
Just, expression of
extreme disappointment...
218
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:27,816
No, the text.
Oh.
219
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,818
Uh, they canceled
the conference.
220
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,390
Oh. All right, well, then let's
just turn around and go home.
221
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:33,830
We should be with Tommy anyway.
222
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:38,174
Or maybe we just continue on
with our plans for the evening.
223
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:39,571
Look,
224
00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:42,343
we have not had a night off
since Tommy was born.
225
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,542
Come on. I miss you.
226
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:44,744
I miss my wife.
227
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,535
All right.
228
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:49,077
Just let me have
one check-in call for Tommy.
229
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,512
Okay, Lise.
230
00:06:50,578 --> 00:06:52,408
Yeah. We will text you updates.
231
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,180
But I'm telling you,
Tommy is doing awesome.
232
00:06:54,247 --> 00:06:56,817
He finished off a whole box
of these teething crackers.
233
00:06:56,884 --> 00:06:58,724
So where do you
get those anyway?
234
00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:01,086
Adam! There's something
wrong with Tommy.
235
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,594
Okay, uh, I got to go.
236
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:04,156
Definitely nothing
wrong with Tommy.
237
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:05,894
Uh, all right, bye.
Have fun.
238
00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:07,827
What?
239
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:09,455
Look at him.
Oh, good Lord.
240
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,430
His kickstand's up.
241
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:11,498
(groans weakly)
242
00:07:11,565 --> 00:07:13,365
Wait, what are
you doing?
243
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:14,433
Calling 911.
244
00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,072
No. No, no.
They record those calls.
245
00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:18,106
I don't think
we want that on our record.
246
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:19,141
I got a better idea.
247
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:23,741
All right.
Just gonna text Ethan.
248
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:26,281
Hey, Tommy, why don't you think
about baseball, buddy.
249
00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,576
Ah, it's
getting worse!
250
00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,378
Okay, no baseball.
Think about soccer, okay?
251
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,419
Everybody hates soccer.
252
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,894
Oh, my God, what
if he's hurt?
253
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,922
What if it's broken?
What does it mean?
254
00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,287
I think it means
he likes you.
255
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:36,485
Do we put him
in the bath?
256
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:38,287
No, I-I want to take this
to the next level.
257
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:39,888
(phone chirps)
Here we go.
258
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,730
Ethan says that he has
a date in the park,
259
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,655
and he will meet us
in ten minutes. Okay.
260
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,771
I'm just gonna put some
pants on Dr. Feelgood here.
261
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,773
Okay.
All right. Okay.
262
00:07:47,835 --> 00:07:48,865
Hey.
263
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,236
Good Tommy.
264
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,203
We're your
friends, Tommy.
265
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:52,211
Tommy.
266
00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,545
Tommy will be fine.
267
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,053
It's, uh, it's
totally normal.
268
00:08:01,114 --> 00:08:03,354
It's incredibly disturbing,
but totally normal.
269
00:08:03,416 --> 00:08:04,846
Whew!
270
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:05,848
Good.
271
00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:06,989
Um, Ethan?
272
00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:08,064
Uh-huh.
273
00:08:08,121 --> 00:08:09,821
There's a lady over there
274
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:12,930
staring at you with, like,
a really intense weird look.
275
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:15,463
Yeah, that's his
Internet date.
276
00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:17,199
Oh, she's so stunning.
277
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,172
Good luck.
278
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:23,374
Oh, he can't hear you now.
279
00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:25,166
He's like a zombie
when he's smitten.
280
00:08:25,238 --> 00:08:26,568
Good luck,
zombie Ethan.
281
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,210
Committed
Listener 515?
282
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:33,177
Oh, I can only pray
that you're Long-Term Silver.
283
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,946
"Hobbies include listening
and feeling my feelings"?
284
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,516
And brunch.
285
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:39,145
You know what, I think
that she might be the one.
286
00:08:39,219 --> 00:08:40,349
Really?
287
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:41,520
No.
288
00:08:42,790 --> 00:08:44,460
Speaking of zombies.
289
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,294
Hey, Mr. Zombie Boy.
290
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:47,329
Hey, Tommy.
291
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:48,334
How you doing, buddy?
292
00:08:48,395 --> 00:08:50,725
(talking quietly)
293
00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:52,798
Uh-oh.
My glasses.
294
00:08:54,167 --> 00:08:55,067
(Adam and Callie laugh)
295
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:56,265
LISA:
Oh.
296
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:57,396
They're taking Tommy
to the park.
297
00:08:57,470 --> 00:08:58,670
MIKE:
Wow. He is, like, crazy happy.
298
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,539
He's smiling
from ear to ear.
299
00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:01,468
I know.
300
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:02,881
Well, now that we got that,
301
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:06,053
put that away and we can relax;
we can get our massages.
302
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:07,283
(laughs)
All right.
303
00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:09,077
Okay. I'm done.
304
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:11,079
Hi. I'm Laurie.
305
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:12,651
I'll be one of
your masseuses today.
306
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,350
Hi, Laurie.
Hi.
307
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:15,861
And I'm Dan.
308
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,423
I'll be your
other masseuse.
309
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:18,790
Great.
310
00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:20,929
Yeah, I'm sorry-- um,
who are you gonna be rubbing?
311
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:24,164
Well, that's...
up to you guys.
312
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:28,201
Uh, no offense, Dan, um--
seem like a great guy--
313
00:09:28,268 --> 00:09:30,838
but I'm just wondering, uh,
is there someone else who could
314
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,944
help us out with this,
maybe, like, another lady?
315
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:36,708
No, I'm sorry.
We're fully booked.
316
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:37,707
It's okay,
it's okay.
317
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:38,848
Dan can do me,
all right?
318
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,252
No, he's not gonna do you.
I'm sorry.
319
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,653
Look, I'm not gonna have
some guy oiling up my wife.
320
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:43,876
Honey, it doesn't matter.
321
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:44,951
You don't think it's weird
322
00:09:45,018 --> 00:09:46,118
that Laurie's gonna be
oiling me?
323
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,246
Because she's a very attractive
young lady.
324
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:48,720
Honey, she's a masseuse.
325
00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,759
It's her job. It doesn't
bother me, okay? Come on.
326
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:52,964
You know what, Dan,
I'm gonna have you do me.
327
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,456
Great.
328
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:55,557
Man on man.
329
00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:58,399
Uh... okay.
330
00:09:58,465 --> 00:09:59,725
Well, why don't
you guys disrobe
331
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,270
and, uh, we'll give
you some privacy.
332
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:02,874
Okay, thanks.
333
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:04,296
All right.
(chuckles)
334
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:13,778
And then Grammy got a letter
from the War Department
335
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:15,717
saying that he had
been killed in Anzio.
336
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,423
But she didn't believe it,
did she? No.
337
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:18,924
She did not.
338
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:21,886
And six years later, Grampy
walked through that door.
339
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:22,955
(sighs)
340
00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:24,493
And sure, his hands
had been blown off,
341
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,987
but he had flowers
taped to his stumps.
342
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,030
And for the
next 50 years,
343
00:10:29,096 --> 00:10:30,826
they lived a life
of total happiness.
344
00:10:30,898 --> 00:10:32,668
You see, that is what I want:
345
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:36,603
exactly what your grandparents
had, but with hands.
346
00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:40,010
Well, mister, I think
you just found it.
347
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,983
(sighs)
348
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:45,112
This might be the first
day of our life together.
349
00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:49,484
Well, what are we waiting for?
350
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:51,479
(sighs blissfully)
351
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:54,191
Whoo!
* I kicked off my shoes *
352
00:10:54,254 --> 00:10:56,564
Come on. Come on.
* And felt the good earth *
353
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,033
You're welcome.
* Under my feet *
354
00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:00,761
* I loosened my tie *
355
00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:04,098
* And felt what it
feels like to breathe *
356
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,834
Good luck, guys.
* I found the secret to life *
357
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:10,300
Oh!
* I took some time for livin' *
358
00:11:10,370 --> 00:11:13,240
* Ah... *
* Took off my watch *
359
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:17,036
* Found I had all the time
in the world *
360
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:19,050
* Ba, ba, ba-ba... *
361
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:21,382
* I opened my arms *
Mmm...
362
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:25,488
* So I could hold life
like a beautiful girl *
363
00:11:25,552 --> 00:11:27,492
* I laid down *
Whoa!
364
00:11:27,554 --> 00:11:29,194
* All of my hang-ups forever *
365
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:31,656
* Doot, doot, do-do, do... *
366
00:11:31,725 --> 00:11:34,125
* I looked around *
367
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,434
* And saw what sweet things *
Oh, my hands!
368
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,926
* Can be found *
369
00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:43,899
* Simply by taking some
time for livin'... *
370
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,606
(lotion squishing)
371
00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:51,175
You like that sound?
372
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:54,214
That's your lotion.
373
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:56,481
Heating up.
374
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,349
Get ready for it.
375
00:12:00,620 --> 00:12:01,860
Mmm.
Okay. Yeah.
376
00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:03,062
No, can't do this.
Sorry.
377
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:04,563
I, uh... yeah,
I'm gonna need Laurie.
378
00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:05,794
Yep, sorry.
Is everything okay?
379
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:08,857
Hey, check this out.
380
00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:09,959
We're kind of
parenting here.
381
00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,900
Yeah, kind of
rockin' it.
382
00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,795
Yeah, it makes all that
complaining Mike always does
383
00:12:13,867 --> 00:12:15,397
seem ridiculous.
(chuckles)
384
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:18,168
Hey! Hey, that kid
just pushed Tommy down,
385
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,108
and his dad's not doing
anything about it.
386
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:22,183
Yeah, I mean, Tommy
looks all right.
387
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:24,742
No, no, no. It's the
principle here, okay?
388
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:25,882
You can't j...
389
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,676
Hey! Hey, you!
Oh... whoa, whoa.
390
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:28,817
(stammering)
Just... hey, hey.
391
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,222
Hey, just take it easy.
392
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:31,423
I agree.
393
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,454
Th-this is... ridiculous,
394
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,820
and I am just as enraged
as you are about this.
395
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:38,429
Really?
Ye... uh, yes.
396
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:39,791
Okay. You going to do
something about it?
397
00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:41,730
Y-yes. Yes, I am.
398
00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,495
Now would be the time.
399
00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:47,401
Hey.
400
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:48,737
What's up?
Hey.
401
00:12:48,802 --> 00:12:50,242
How you doing?
Hey.
402
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,613
Your, uh... your kid just
pushed my kid down over there.
403
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:54,512
Oh. Yeah, well,
boys will do that.
404
00:12:54,574 --> 00:12:55,544
I know. I know.
405
00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:56,978
Could you, um...?
406
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:59,154
(whispering):
This guy...
407
00:12:59,212 --> 00:13:01,182
I'm sorry. Could you
do me a favor and just, like,
408
00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:02,178
pretend that you're, like,
really angry
409
00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:04,149
at me right now?
What did you say?
410
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:05,287
If that was, like,
a two or something,
411
00:13:05,352 --> 00:13:06,622
just bring it up
to, like, a nine.
412
00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:07,956
What the hell is
your problem, man?
413
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:08,961
Yeah, okay, that's good.
That's good.
414
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,122
Just live in that space.
415
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,160
That'd be...
that would be perfect.
416
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:12,464
I'm not gonna live in any sp...
417
00:13:12,525 --> 00:13:13,385
Hey, what are you, weird?
418
00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,160
Yes. Yes, I am.
419
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:17,428
I'm... I'm really sorry
about that.
420
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:23,143
Hey! Yeah, you.
Uh, hey, Callie.
421
00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,513
So this is... this is the
gentleman that we're yelling at.
422
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:27,312
Yeah, your kid just pushed
our kid down again.
423
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:28,944
Technically, he's not
our kid. Callie...
424
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:30,779
Oh, my God!
What is he doing now?
425
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,254
He's... he's peeing on Tommy.
426
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,552
Ooh. Not cool.
427
00:13:33,613 --> 00:13:35,153
So what?
That's what people do.
428
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:37,915
That is not what people do;
that is what cocker spaniels do.
429
00:13:37,985 --> 00:13:39,385
You... you know what you are?
430
00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,292
Wait. Please...
please don't say it. A bonebag.
431
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,015
What'd she just call me?
432
00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:46,291
Um... she called you a bonebag.
433
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:49,399
Which is actually an elegant
little piece of wordplay there.
434
00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,002
It... it applies.
435
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:52,274
You're a bonebag.
436
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,972
Yeah, well, what are you
going to do about it?
437
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,944
Gonna... gonna mix it up.
438
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,043
Mix it up?
That's right.
439
00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:58,374
I hope you like smoothies,
440
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,168
'cause you just turned on
the blender, buddy.
441
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,070
Take these.
442
00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:02,741
Actually, wait, I need them.
443
00:14:02,809 --> 00:14:05,409
What did you just
call my husband?
444
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:08,318
Called him a... bonebag.
445
00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,121
You son of a bitch.
446
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,683
(Callie screams) Baby!
447
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:12,951
You're a bonebag.
448
00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:13,850
That's right, baby.
You tell him.
449
00:14:13,921 --> 00:14:15,021
Yeah.
450
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,788
CALLIE:
I am so sorry, Adam.
451
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,186
Not as sorry
as my nose is.
452
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:22,059
It is so sweet of you to drive
your friend to the hospital.
453
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,029
Well, he's hurt,
he's my friend,
454
00:14:24,097 --> 00:14:25,467
and I just found this
ambulance. What do you do?
455
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:29,072
You know, this is our first ride
in your ambulance together.
456
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:32,136
This is our first ride
in my ambulance together.
457
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:34,906
Hello, soul mate.
458
00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:37,605
Hello, soul mate.
459
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,407
(soft music playing,
Lisa moans)
460
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:40,549
(Dan moans)
461
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:41,613
(Lisa moans)
462
00:14:41,681 --> 00:14:43,321
(Dan moans)
463
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,523
Oh, God.
464
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:45,624
Mama like?
465
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:46,885
Oh, God, yeah.
466
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:48,724
Is that where it
is, right there?
467
00:14:48,788 --> 00:14:49,888
LISA: Oh, yeah.
That's it. That's it.
468
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,257
Yeah. Right there?
Okay, hey. Keep your hands
469
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:52,394
where I can see them,
okay, pal?
470
00:14:52,459 --> 00:14:54,029
Honey, come on.
471
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:55,904
Right here?
Oh, God.
472
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:57,533
I feel like I'm really
getting to know you.
473
00:14:57,597 --> 00:14:58,567
Oh, yeah.
474
00:14:58,631 --> 00:14:59,601
Okay, you know what?
475
00:14:59,666 --> 00:15:00,996
You're just going to have
to reign it back there
476
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,398
a little bit, 'cause this
has got to stay G-rated.
477
00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:04,269
Honey, you finally got me
to relax,
478
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:05,367
and now you're driving me crazy.
479
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,268
I'm sorry,
This is just weird.
480
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,410
Well, what do you
think's gonna happen?
481
00:15:08,475 --> 00:15:09,805
That's I'm going to fall
in love with Dan
482
00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:10,776
and we're going
to run away together?
483
00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:11,843
With Dan?
484
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,081
Are you kidding?
Come on.
485
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:14,606
I mean, first, he has terrible
taste in music.
486
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:16,121
It's Laurie's mix.
I told you.
487
00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:18,093
Let me put it
to you this way.
488
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:19,891
If you don't relax,
we are not going to stay
489
00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:21,123
in a hotel
until Tommy's in college.
490
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:22,918
Okay? Okay.
Okay. Okay.
491
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:24,120
Thank you.
492
00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:25,961
And now for some real music.
493
00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:28,296
Laurie.
494
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:30,731
(low, distorted chanting plays)
495
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:34,667
Oh, God.
496
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,974
Yes.
497
00:15:37,037 --> 00:15:37,897
Look, when I see
injustice in the world,
498
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:38,971
I feel like I have
to do something.
499
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:40,239
Okay, Batman.
500
00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:41,767
Look, I can't just let people
501
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,381
literally pee all over us.
502
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,313
Well, there is a right
and a wrong way
503
00:15:45,378 --> 00:15:47,078
to resolve these sorts
of conflicts.
504
00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:49,777
I know.
Talk things out like adults.
505
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,049
Or you could
steal stuff--
506
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,848
which is why I had Ethan
507
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,390
take that little
pee sack's tricycle.
508
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,485
Hey, you got
a new bicycle, Tommy.
509
00:15:57,557 --> 00:15:59,657
(laughing)
510
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:05,230
Go ahead.
I know you want to.
511
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,328
Really?
512
00:16:06,399 --> 00:16:08,039
Really. What's
mine is yours now.
513
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,996
(siren wailing)
514
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,011
(chuckles)
515
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:14,513
That was awesome.
516
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:15,614
You're awesome.
517
00:16:15,675 --> 00:16:18,045
You're awesome.
518
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,162
Was it just me, or...
519
00:16:31,224 --> 00:16:32,864
did that kind of...
520
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,955
Suck.
Yeah.
521
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:37,098
Guys, why are we stopped?
522
00:16:37,164 --> 00:16:38,734
Come on.
We got a bleeder back th--
523
00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:39,868
Oh, come on.
524
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,102
(siren whoops)
525
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:42,268
CALLIE (over speaker):
Hey, buddy,
526
00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:44,265
do you not
see this is an ambulance?
527
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:45,707
Move it!
528
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,472
Sorry, sweetie. Last time.
529
00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:48,480
ADAM:
You tell 'em, baby.
530
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,111
CALLIE (over speaker):
Bonebag!
531
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,737
Okay, guys. You're all set.
532
00:16:51,811 --> 00:16:53,611
We'll just give you a few
minutes to get dressed.
533
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,120
BOTH:
And remember to...
534
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,782
drink a lot of water.
535
00:16:56,849 --> 00:16:58,849
It's... That's my line.
536
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:00,548
This is not the Laurie show.
537
00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:01,720
Oh, that was great.
538
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:02,658
Oh, God.
Wasn't it, honey?
539
00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:04,662
Oh, yeah.
540
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:05,594
Oh, my God!
541
00:17:05,658 --> 00:17:07,228
Mike. What are you doing?
542
00:17:07,294 --> 00:17:08,764
What? I'm not doing anything.
543
00:17:08,828 --> 00:17:10,328
I was... What?
544
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:11,927
Did that girl turn you on?
545
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,268
What girl?
546
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,573
What girl?
Laurie from 20 seconds ago.
547
00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:16,735
Laurie?
548
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,243
Yeah, who you referred
to as an attractive lady.
549
00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:19,765
Is that what happened?
550
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:21,669
Laurie was working out
a lot of stuff in my back.
551
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,241
Oh. Oh.
552
00:17:23,310 --> 00:17:25,480
Yeah, and she pushed a lot of
blood in different directions.
553
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:26,745
Mm-hmm.
I didn't have any control
554
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:28,753
as to where it was going.
I'm kidding, babe.
555
00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:30,745
I'm busting your chops.
556
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:33,717
She said we had a few
minutes, right? So, uh...
557
00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:35,116
Do you want to...
558
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,718
Should we, you know?
559
00:17:36,789 --> 00:17:38,089
Could we?
We could.
560
00:17:38,158 --> 00:17:39,488
Should we?
561
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:40,829
We shall.
562
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,963
Let me set the mood.
563
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:44,759
LISA:
Do it.
564
00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,071
(low, distorted chanting
plays)
565
00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:47,233
Oh, yeah.
566
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:48,540
(Lisa laughing)
567
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:51,141
God, you are one beautiful...
(both scream)
568
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:56,805
(sighs)
I am so sorry. You're right.
569
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:59,206
I pushed it. We should never
have been doing this.
570
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:00,779
No, sweetie.
Just finish these forms
571
00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:03,847
so we can get home
and finish what we started.
572
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:04,976
Come here.
573
00:18:05,051 --> 00:18:05,951
Oh...
Mmm...
574
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:06,988
Ow!
575
00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:08,863
Oh. Sorry. Oh...
576
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,091
No, it's okay.
Babe.
577
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:12,087
Oh... I love you.
578
00:18:12,159 --> 00:18:14,529
LISA:
What?
579
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,234
Nothing. Why don't
you just stay right here?
580
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:17,356
Okay. Mm-hmm.
Right here.
581
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,530
And then fill that out.
Okay.
582
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,328
I'm gonna go use the restroom.
Okay, honey.
583
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:26,066
(whispering):
He broke his nose during sex.
584
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,239
I know.
585
00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:29,207
That's when you know it's good.
586
00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:30,206
What is going on?
What are you doing here?
587
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,007
Hey! Mike!
What are you doing here?
588
00:18:31,077 --> 00:18:32,577
Is Tommy okay?
589
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:33,645
Tommy is fine.
590
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,323
Well, he did pitch a little
diaper tent, but...
591
00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:36,922
What happened to your nose?
What happened to your nose?
592
00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:37,983
You look like a duck.
593
00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:39,690
You look like
a... Help me.
594
00:18:39,752 --> 00:18:40,852
Duck.
Duck.
595
00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:43,890
All right.
Let's get this right.
596
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:44,986
All right.
597
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:47,627
Oh, no.
598
00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:49,134
All right. Not working.
I'm calling it. Yeah.
599
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:50,896
This is so strange.
600
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,033
I mean, this should work.
601
00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:53,798
You've got the whole
British thing going on
602
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:55,836
with the sexy snake hips.
603
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,402
I thought it would be
like kissing Mick Jagger,
604
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,140
but it's kind of
like kissing a drifter.
605
00:18:59,206 --> 00:19:00,436
No offense.
606
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:02,637
None taken. I assume you
mean a young Mick Jagger,
607
00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:04,139
because these days, he's
a bit of an old paper bag.
608
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:05,281
Oh, yeah.
609
00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:06,475
You couldn't watch him
for six hours
610
00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:07,676
without ending up
in the hospital?
611
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,277
I just wanted one night out
with my wife.
612
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:11,779
Look, I know it looks bad,
but it's fine; I promise.
613
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:13,991
All right? And the good news is,
we learned a valuable lesson
614
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:15,093
about picking
our battles.
615
00:19:15,154 --> 00:19:16,124
Yeah, and
conflict resolution.
616
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:17,289
That's right.
Sometimes,
617
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,227
you gotta step in there
and mix it up.
618
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,162
He totally turned
the blender on.
619
00:19:20,227 --> 00:19:21,587
It was very hot.
620
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,031
Did you see that?
Yeah, I liked that.
621
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:24,795
Hey, idiots!
622
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,204
You both suck.
623
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:27,766
Do you have any idea
what I've been through today?
624
00:19:27,834 --> 00:19:29,644
I let a man touch me
just to make my wife happy.
625
00:19:29,702 --> 00:19:30,572
What?
What?
626
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:31,697
I don't want to talk about it.
627
00:19:31,771 --> 00:19:34,441
You guys have
to get Tommy home now,
628
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,977
'cause if Lisa sees
him in the hospital,
629
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:37,112
I will never leave
the house again.
630
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,176
Did you even change his diaper?
631
00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:40,476
I mean, really.
632
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:42,547
He smells like tinkle.
Oh, that's his hair.
633
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,445
What?!
Yeah. That's a...
634
00:19:44,517 --> 00:19:45,947
That is a funny story
for another day.
635
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:48,288
Hey, guys.
636
00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,015
Hello? Can we go?
We gotta get out of here.
637
00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:51,159
Mike?
638
00:19:51,224 --> 00:19:52,894
Oh, bonebag.
639
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:53,829
Oh, my God.
640
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:56,463
Bonebag? Bonebag?!
641
00:19:56,529 --> 00:19:57,429
No!
That's the guy from the car.
642
00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,027
I'm gonna take you down!
643
00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,668
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey. Calm down.
644
00:20:00,733 --> 00:20:02,203
You're taking
this all wrong.
645
00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:04,699
"Bonebag" is just an elegant
piece of wordplay.
646
00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:06,371
(hyperventilating)
647
00:20:06,439 --> 00:20:08,479
I must say,
these guys really saved my life.
648
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,781
Well, technically,
I saved your life.
649
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:13,583
Yeah, well, I would have,
if Tommy wasn't in my arms.
650
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:16,246
You weren't holding Tommy.
It was Lisa.
651
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:18,886
Same family.
652
00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,121
That's pretty weak.
653
00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:23,416
All right, bonebags,
next round's on me.
654
00:20:23,490 --> 00:20:24,820
You know,
none of this would have happened
655
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,591
if we hadn't clinked on it?
656
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:28,699
To not having each
other's lives.
657
00:20:36,836 --> 00:20:39,406
I just want
a long-term commitment.
658
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,780
I just want
a long-term commitment.
659
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:46,283
I just want someone
to grow old with.
660
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:47,876
I just want
to grow old with someone.
661
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:51,077
I just want to have
a lot of babies, and...
662
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:53,090
I want to have
tons of babies.
663
00:20:53,152 --> 00:20:54,422
As many as possible.
Live in Kansas?
664
00:20:54,487 --> 00:20:56,157
I'll move to Kansas.
665
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:57,262
Anywhere.
666
00:20:57,324 --> 00:20:58,464
Really?
667
00:20:58,525 --> 00:21:00,385
I have...
I have anger issues.
668
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:02,090
I have anger issues.
669
00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:03,401
I punch windows constantly.
670
00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:05,573
I punch windows sometimes.
671
00:21:05,632 --> 00:21:06,602
Oh!
672
00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:08,336
Oh... Um...
673
00:21:08,401 --> 00:21:09,701
I don't understand
what "bonebag" means.
674
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,669
I don't understand what
"bonebag" means.
675
00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,338
It's not elegant wordplay.
It's not.
676
00:21:13,406 --> 00:21:15,136
I get 20% off at the commissary.
677
00:21:15,207 --> 00:21:16,377
I'm just sayin'.
678
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:17,483
I've never been
to the commissary.
679
00:21:17,544 --> 00:21:18,614
Me, neither.
But the discount?
680
00:21:18,678 --> 00:21:19,778
I've worked here for years.
681
00:21:19,846 --> 00:21:20,646
Really?
Yeah.
682
00:21:20,713 --> 00:21:23,753
You want to hear a love story?
683
00:21:23,816 --> 00:21:25,946
Yeah, I do.
684
00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:27,488
I want to hear a love story.
685
00:21:27,554 --> 00:21:28,894
Once upon a time...
686
00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:30,115
Mm-hmm?
687
00:21:30,189 --> 00:21:31,889
There was a man
sent to Anzio.
688
00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:32,958
Uh-huh.
689
00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:34,485
Then what happened?
690
00:21:34,561 --> 00:21:35,901
He was my grandfather.
691
00:21:35,962 --> 00:21:36,862
Oh, wow.
692
00:21:36,929 --> 00:21:38,499
This could be
the first day of our lives.
693
00:21:38,549 --> 00:21:43,099
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
47821
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
