Original subtitles

Listen to me, you are not coming to the pool

with my family if you're gonna wear that thing.

Okay, that's fine-- but just so you know,

in Europe it's considered fashionable.

ADAM: Yeah, I got to go

with Mike on this one-- last time you dove in,

we caught some rough angles.

Adam, you in?

Uh, no, I'm not. I don't swim with you anymore.

Why not? Because the pool does not bring out the best in you, Michael.

(others shouting)

No!

Yay! Whoo!

You're really still upset about that one time?

Because the rules are so clear.

The mounts are not supposed to touch.

It's only the chickens that fight.

My chicken needed a little bit of help.

(phone rings) Speaking of which, this is my chicken.

I got to take this-- you know, her sister's

been staying with us for the last two weeks.

She's really getting on my nerves.

Well, I'm gonna have to recuse myself...

MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah,

we all know you hooked up at the barbecue.

Hey, she was delightful company.

Yeah, delightful on the side of my house.

(phone rings) That's great. I don't want to hear this,

and I'm gonna try and sell some alone time here.

(beep) Hi, sweetie.

Hey!

Look, I was thinking that maybe tonight

we could, uh, just leave your sister at home.

Yes!

Really? Okay.

Because she was making me want to kill my...

Totally.

Beautiful.

ADAM: * Going out to dinner with my girl *

* Hang up your coat... * Hope you're hungry!

I slaved.

Isn't she a beauty? (laughing)

(whispers): What's happening?

I thought we were going out to dinner!

Yeah, I know. Um, Matt changed his profile status

from married to single, so it's not been a good...

I'm just gonna start. ADAM: Right behind you.

KATE (laughing): Stop it! I will.

Yeah, we... Yeah, I got to say,

this has been great. Oh, wonderful.

But-but I think that now, we, uh...

Yeah, we've got to... Oh, no.

Mm-mm, you two aren't going anywhere.

(Kate laughs)

Dessert? No. Better.

(exhales)

Dream board.

You made a collage!

(laughing): No... no, honey.

I didn't make a collage.

I dreamt a dream board.

Dreamt a dream board.

I got the idea

out of this book-- it said, um,

"If you can dream it, you can do it."

This is a rainbow-- represents hope,

which I have right there, um, and also

sprinkled throughout are some of my action words.

"Survivor"!

"Tranquility"!

"Fashion"!

(laughs) 'Cause I love clothes.

And "Brian Williams."

Of course, he's the... dreamiest network anchor.

Thank you for getting it. Oh, is that

an alligator? It is. Yes.

And this represents me,

because it has thick skin to protect itself.

And also, it can hunker down in the mud for days

and days...

and days, and never move.

She's got to go.

I-I know, but we can't just kick her out on the street.

I'm not saying we put her on the street,

just... just not here, all right?

We'll put her somewhere between here and the street.

Yeah, okay.

Great.

(sniffles) Oh, hi.

I've got something in my eye. That's so cliché, right?

(fake laughing)

I am not telling her she has to leave.

Can we get her a job or something?

Yeah. That's a great idea. That is a great idea.

We get her a job, and she can start a new life.

Totally. She can move into the rainbow with Brian Williams.

Hey, what about Bloke?

You guys always need floaters, huh?

ADAM (over phone): Kate at the office?

Bad idea.

I know. Look, I already have to deal with my boss, Kev.

(typing) See if you can guess

if this pencil's been in my mouth.

(stifled laugh)

Yes, it has. (laughing) Yeah, it has!

This is her sister we're talking about, you know?

How do I say no to Callie?

No, you don't say no. You do what she asks you to do.

You just, uh, sort of half-ass it.

I do it all the time. Trust me.

Don't trust him.

"Just half-ass it"?

Yeah.

ADAM: 'Kay. Got to go.

That seems like good advice.

* Doggies, kitties... *

Ow! Ow!

You want to have a breath-holding competition?

Not really, no. Scared?

Yeah, you are.

'Cause you know my record's a minute, 20 seconds.

So basically, you're like Aqua-Man, then?

Yeah, pretty much.

If there's some form of injustice underwater,

I'd probably be the guy.

Yeah, fighting crime a minute and 20 seconds at a time.

Just saying.

Let's do it.

* Doggies, kitties *

* Kick, kick, kick, kick... *

Ow! You kicked me!

(Tommy crying)

(yells)

(gasping breaths)

1:21. Nailed it!

What are you talking about? I got 1:19.

No, that's a new record. Digital does not lie.

It's going in the books.

Oh, yeah.

Honey, can you change Tommy, please?

Okay.

I need to teach that woman

a lesson in water safety. Come here...

All right, racerback,

here I come, and I'm bringing the pain.

Where are you?

There you are.

There we go.

(crying) Hey, you having fun out there?

Huh? Whoa!

Dude, that's what pools are for.

(whistle blowing)

WOMAN: Where's the lifeguard?!

Oh, my God!

Nancy, can you hold Tommy?

(coughing)

Did I get her?

Sweetheart, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Ow. I just... I got so focused on kicking that bitch

in the racerback, I didn't see the wall.

But then Ethan...

saved my life.

Is this yours?

No.

Hey.

Konichiwa, Kev.

Uh, so, listen, I know we

take on floaters sometimes,

and I was asked to give this to you--

it's just, um... it's my girlfriend's sister's résumé.

I haven't even read it, okay?

So, um...

Gonna put that right there.

And now that we've completed

this silly little dance, I'm just gonna leave,

and if that just, you know, blows off your desk right into the incinerator,

then, um, it's fine with me, okay? Adam?

Not now. Kev just found a clutch new porn site.

Great. Great.

(chuckles) Yeah, do that, bro.

Yeah.

God, that guy's awesome.

Michael, for the thousandth time,

saying "thank you" is more than enough.

No, no, no, no. You saved the life of the mother of my son.

Mike, you know, you're my friend.

Lisa's my friend.

I've known you guys

for, like, 15 years.

Nope. Look, I want you to have this football.

It's signed by Al Gore-- I was gonna save it for Tommy,

but I want you to have it. Why was Al Gore signing footballs?

'Cause they were out of hockey sticks.

I'd like you to have my grandfather's watch.

How about that?

I've got a watch.

Y-Yeah, but he killed a Nazi with this watch.

It's a dead Nazi watch.

ETHAN: If you're not gonna

let this go... No.

...I guess there is something you can give me.

Done. Name it.

I want the T-shirt.

You mean the T-shirt?

Yep. You mean the...

Is there any other? The Sproul Hall...

Ping-Pong Championship T-shirt?

You don't want this hanging over your head, dude.

Yeah. You, uh, mull it over while we get

this lovely lady to the hospital.

(siren wailing) But I won that T-shirt.

Look, Mike, you asked me what I wanted; I told you.

If you don't want to give it to me...

No, no, no. It's just that that went to the dorm champion,

which was me, not you-- although you did put up

a very spirited fight. Actually, I seem to recall

a lingering dispute as to who won that match.

No, that match was thoroughly adjudicated,

and there was a victor proclaimed, and I have the T-shirt to prove it.

(buzzing) Don't touch that. Ow. Sorry.

All right. You know what?

You can have the T-shirt.

You'll just be in debt to me forever,

and that's fine.

(sighs)

Are you sure that if you hadn't done what you did

she would've died? Pretty sure.

LISA: Honey, just give him the shirt.

Please. I have to get up at, like, quarter to 6:00.

(sniffing)

You... are...

a... sly...

bastard... blaw!

You're lucky these things

aren't loaded.

Um, I'm wearing a Kevlar shirt.

Well, in that case, blaw!

Head shot! That's a metaphor

for how you just blew my mind.

Wait a second, did you read the article that I wrote about

the ten books you must... Yeah, we're not

with that-- I'm talking about the way

you under-promised but over-delivered.

What are you talking about?

(sighs) KATE: Hi, bosses!

Coffee for Kev. Why, thank you.

You're welcome. Wow. Wow, Kate, you...

are here in my office.

Thanks to you. And Kev.

KEV: This spark plug has been here

for two hours-- she's already archived my computer,

made coffee, she even took notes

during my post-muffin idea blast.

(blows raspberry) Yeah.

What can I say, the whole office

is gonna be grateful. KEV: Grateful to you,

superstar.

Check it.

Um, uh, I'm Adam.

Um, I bring in, uh, really great employees.

Oh, my God, that is so spot-on.

I mean, it doesn't really sound like me, but...

You'll see-- give me the stupid glasses.

I don't want to give you the glasses. No, no.

Give me the stupid glasses.

Take the glasses. So gangsta.

(Kate laughing) Here you go.

(laughing): Put 'em on. Let me see. Let me see.

Oh, uh, I got a dumb idea for an article.

You look so stupid!

KEV: I mean, um, is there a way

to do an article about boring stuff?

That's you!

So stupid. (laughing)

(laughing): Such an...

So, she's actually working out, huh?

It seems like she is, you know?

And she's got Kev off my back, so now I can actually get some work done.

I got to say, I'm surprised-- I sort of thought

she was gonna mess everything up for you. Why'd you get me

to get her a job? 'Cause you're handsome.

Hey, guys! Hey!

There you are!

Hi! Mwa!

And just so you know, that is not gonna work every time.

Nine out of ten.

(gasps) Hey, is Katie's hand on Ethan's thigh?

Yeah. Oh...

Hey, guys, I want to make a toast. Uh...

you know, the other day made me realize how precious life is,

and when you think you're gonna lose someone,

you see very clearly that there's nothing more important

than the people that you love.

Cheers, baby.

OTHERS: Aw...

OTHERS: Cheers! Cheers, and to those people.

Cheers!

Ooh! I am burning up here.

KATE: Ooh, okay.

(Ethan groaning)

Take this off.

That is better. Much better.

Really? You're gonna wear that in public?

Yeah. That's what you do with T-shirts.

You... you wear 'em.

(laughing): It's true! You totally do!

Yeah, but people are gonna think that

you were the Sproul Hall Ping-Pong Champion.

That's because I believe I was the Sproul Hall Ping-Pong Champion.

OTHERS: Uh-oh.

Sorry, guys, what's going on? Senior year

there was a ping-pong championship,

and these two made the finals. Yes, there was

a hotly-contested tiebreaker, and the R.A. called it

in favor of Mike. Because I won.

You saw it. It was clear.

Yeah, maybe I saw it, maybe nobody actually cared.

(others laughing) LISA: I didn't see it, baby,

but I believe you. ADAM: Also, there was

allegedly some rough-housing.

Rough-housing? R-R-Rough-housing!

Come here, you cutie.

(Ethan growling playfully, Kate laughing)

ADAM: You know, this is amazing.

We got her a new man and a new job.

I think we got her back on her feet, you know.

We are awesome.

We are awesome. Yeah.

You know, I think Ethan's good for her, too.

I think she's good for Ethan.

Do you know that back at the bar,

I saw him drawing their initials inside of a heart.

(gasps) Really?

Mm-hmm. Was there a plus sign?

Yes, there was a plus sign.

There was a arrow through it also,

so they are definitely kissing in a tree.

That's like real love.

This is real love here.

Yes it is, baby. Keep going.

A little harder.

It's a T-shirt.

You couldn't just let him have it?

I let him have it.

He saved your life, I gave him the shirt.

He wore it in public, which is over the line.

Who cares?

I care.

Because he is using your near-death experience

to settle a score.

Which is extremely childish.

Exactly.

Which is why we are having a ping-pong rematch. Good night.

Hey, Adam.

Hey, Brian.

Congratulations. Kev says your book article's back in.

Are you kidding me?

I am not.

I have no idea why,

but it's in. Thank you.

Yeah. Oh, and you missed a birthday yesterday.

We saved you a piece of sheet cake.

I am walking on sunshine.

I don't even know why they went all out for Lou.

You know what I mean? I've been here five years longer.

I do a joint cake with Kathy.

Not even Kathy R. Fat Kathy-- Kathy P.

Ugh. Ugh! She says she has a glandular...

That's no excuse.

* Mm. Tuesday is cake day *

* Cake day for Adam. *

Mm.

Kev, they've got some cake in here, man... (gasps)

(Kev moaning)

KATE (laughing): Stop it...

Tuesday is cake day.

Adam, Adam, stop avoiding me.

Hey, I know that you saw Kev plowing me.

Oh, my... I will pay you if you stop saying that.

Are you out of your mind?!

Oh, hi.

You cannot bang his boss and his best friend at the same time!

Well, I didn't do it simultaneously.

That's disgusting.

You know what I mean.

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

You surround yourself with attractive people.

And I am in a very

vulnerable place right now.

I'm having a hard time keeping it together.

I can't believe you're running away from me.

I'm being honest with you. (knocking)

"Restraint. Consequences." Those are words that should be on your little dream board, huh?

All right. Think about it.

I will think about it.

Hello. Hey.

And hello. Oh, hello.

Are you ready? I was born ready.

Oh, um,

we are going to go out for just a quick little Italian dish.

We'll be right back. Yeah. Oh, no, not in those shoes.

Honey, I'll take care of you.

Walk, my room-- now.

I'm not four years old.

Seriously?

(whispers): Ethan is here.

You have to tell him right now.

No. I'm having a nice dinner.

He's taking me out for a nice dinner.

Okay, it might be nice for you, but it's not nice for him.

He doesn't know what you're doing. Only you know

what you're doing. You are not being very nice.

You're not being very nice.

ETHAN: Darling, how are those shoes coming? In a minute.

You have to decide what you want.

No, I don't. I'm a grown-up.

I want them both.

They're both nice. And I'm having a lot of fun.

And I deserve to have fun.

(sobbing): Because the last six months have not been very fun for me.

Oh, sweetie...

No. No "Oh, sweetie" here.

Okay? Just because your life's a mess doesn't mean

you have to make ours a mess, all right?

So either you tell Ethan, or I'm going to tell him.

All right, fine.

You're right.

I'll tell him.

Okay.

(sighs) Okay.

Okay.

Were you serious about my shoes?

No, come on, the shoes are fine. Go.

Why are the crazy ones always so crazy?

What are you talking about?

Oh, it's... She's not crazy.

Oh, no, yeah. No, she's not.

She's my sister.

No, she's fine, she's fine. I love her.

Hey, uh, could I bounce something off you?

Yeah, make it quick, 'cause I've got a lot going on over here.

I'm in this really awkward situation.

Isn't that sort of your thing?

Nice. Anyway, it's about Ethan.

What did he do, take something that didn't belong to him?

No, Mike, but listen--

it's sort of about Kate.

You know, I don't know what he knows or what I should tell him.

I'll tell you what you can tell him.

You tell him that I'm playing for keeps tomorrow.

So he better come heavy

or don't come at all. What are you talking about?

Who says that?

Just get him the message.

So how'd it go with Kate last night? Great.

Did she, uh, talk to you about anything?

I recall hearing "Pull my hair" a couple of times. Anything else?

Listen, mate, if you're that curious, you can just borrow the video.

No, um... Listen, I don't know where you're at with this thing,

but I feel sort of honor-bound to tell you that...

Kate is seeing somebody else.

What do you mean by "seeing," exactly?

What do you mean what do I mean? I mean they're doing it, dude.

Well, who is it?

It's my editor, Kev.

I'm really sorry. God, I can't believe this.

I got to talk to her, right?

No, wait.

Come on, Ethan, Ethan, let's just, let's talk about this, okay?

No, I don't want to talk to you; I want to talk to her.

No, wait, wait, please, please.

This is my work, okay?

So just stay out here, okay, and I'll get her. Okay.

Kate. You're supposed to talk to Ethan.

Come on, where you going?

You cannot do this. There's no escape.

Ooh, Jeff. I'm sorry. Jeff, how's your daughter?

Look...

This place is a rectangle.

It's futile.

This is... What are you...?

Hey, lady. Oh, hi.

Want to take an early lunch? Uh, I ate already.

Hey, that thing we were talking about? Mm-hmm.

I'm wearing it right now. Oh.

Kate.

Oh, God.

So this is the other guy? What do you mean "other guy"?

She's been seeing the both of us.

What?!

Adam, you knew about this? Absolutely not.

So you're letting this guy climb up on it?

What do you mean "this guy"?

I'm talking about you, Mick Jagger.

What is wrong with me?

I'll tell you exactly what...

Actually nothing. I kind of like what you're working there.

Looks like Kev may have been bested.

All right, well, I'm not diminishing you either.

I mean, I came this close to buying that shirt yesterday.

Of course you did, because you're

a man who knows what it's about.

There you are.

You're going to miss your train. Right.

Wait, what-what train?

Oh, um, when Callie pushed me to decide what I wanted,

I called Matt.

He didn't really apologize,

but he did change his relationship status

from "single" to "it's complicated."

So I think I owe it to both of us

to give it another shot.

I'm sorry, you guys.

Hey, I'm going to miss you, Kate, you know,

but you should do what makes you happy.

Oh.

You're fun. Come here.

(sighing)

No.

No.

That's inappropriate. Yes, yeah.

Looks like we were both in the same boat.

Yeah. Hey, what are you doing right now?

Just seeing where the night takes me.

Yeah, you are.

Let's ride. Vamonos.

Ooh, that was hard.

Thanks for everything, Cal.

You're welcome, sweetie.

And you, too, you googly-eyed freak.

CALLIE: I love you. I love you.

Hey, do me a favor. Anything.

Please don't ever come back.

(all laughing)

Hilarious. Oh...

Thank you for packing it all up, too, hon.

You're welcome, sweetie. It was above and beyond, really.

All right. A ride to the airport would have been nice,

but that's all right. All right. Love you.

Bye, guys. Bye.

It's over.

(sighs)

Yay!

Okay, this is the official rematch.

Whoever wins this

will retroactively be crowned Sproul Hall

Ping-Pong Champion 1998.

As, as such, will be

the perpetual and uncontested owner

of the shirt.

Agreed?

Okay, Adam and Callie

have been invited as witnesses, so that there can be no dispute.

Mike won the coin toss, and he has elected to go first.

Now, this is standard American table tennis.

American.

LISA: First one to 11 wins.

No backsies, no erasies. And...

Begin!

SPECTATORS: Oh!

Oh! Yes!

(laughing)

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

That's 11. Yes! That happened.

Yes, it certainly did.

Shirt me.

Are you happy now?

MIKE: Oh, I'm happy for the game,

because a wrong was righted.

And I'm happy for you, babe,

because you... married a champion.

LISA: Yes, I did.

As for me, I don't know.

It's kind of like my grandpa always said...

(coughs)

LISA: Mike?

Mike? Mike?

Oh, no, no, no, he's really choking.

Babe? ADAM: Mike, what'd your grandpa say?

Mike, let me help you. Babe.

Mike... ADAM: No, no, Mike, Mike.

Is he turning blue? Mike?

Babe? Go get him, please. He's turning blue.

Please? Can you just...?

Just grab him. Mike, come on.

Oh.

Babe...

(coughs)

You okay?

Oh! Oh, God.

Just give me the dead Nazi watch.

(panting)

Take the shirt.

I'm nothing without my honor.

Wow, I guess there's a lesson here somewhere.

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