Original subtitles

MAN: Here you go. Thank you.

Oh. Would you look at this? Look at this coffee.

It's filled all the way up to the top.

It's spilling...

Tim, you're killing me!

Dude, you're a little testy this morning.

I know, I'm sorry. It's just, Callie's sister

is living with us in our tiny apartment.

She's going through this wicked divorce right now.

I thought she was supposed to leave. Oh... no.

She's not leaving any time soon.

You know, she is a borderline nut job.

This is going to be sweet.

(high-pitched yell) Oh, my God!

(high-pitched laugh) Uh! What is wrong with you?

The worst part is, I have no privacy. Zero. None.

You know, living with an actual werewolf would be better.

Yeah, you wouldn't want to live with an actual werewolf.

Yeah, I'd much rather live with a crazy woman than a werewolf.

Mmm. Crazy girl or mummy?

Uh... you know?

I'm going to stay with the crazy girl.

I'm going to go with mummy.

Really. Why?

Uh, they don't talk. Yeah. Ah.

Hello?

Callie? Nope,

it's Callie's sister, Kate.

Do you have any idea how long you're going to...

Not helping. You...

So glad you're staying with us.

Yeah, no, that's a great idea.

Why don't you have your sister over for a couple of weeks, huh?

Maybe she can hide in the bathroom.

Yeah, that sounds really good.

(entry bell chimes) Hey.

Hey, dude, how's it going? Um...

Just get that one, uh, large peppermint patty, there?

And then, uh... What the hell's this?

Uh, uh, give me the fuzzy dice, also.

All right, come on, man.

You don't have to play these games!

(key jingles) Just take the key.

Really? Yeah!

Thank you. Uh, go for it.

Oh, wait. Might want that.

Smart. Yeah.

Never know when a uno

will become a... dos.

Oh, there she is,

Miss Senior Account Executive.

You told him?

Of course I did. I'm proud of you, baby. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. It's not a big deal.

Yeah, it is. Look. There's your check.

This is your first check with the big raise.

Come on. This is totally a moment. Give me that.

Give me that. Oh, you know what?

Barbecue this weekend; it's going to be in your honor.

No. Stop it. Yeah, of course.

Oh, wow. Maybe it is a big deal.

It's more than I thought it would be.

Really? Let me see. (Lisa chuckles)

Oh... look at that! Right?

You're making almost as much as I am.

Really? No. Yeah, I think so.

Where's your check? Oh, yeah.

I'm making four dollars a week more than you.

(laughs) Oh, I'm getting a picture of this.

Hold up the checks, yours on top.

Mine on top. MIKE: Why are you getting a picture?

See, 'cause she's making more than you, now.

No, I'm aware of that. But, I mean...

Who are you going to send that to?

Oh, I'm going to share that with the world.

Really? I don't think that's necessary. Oop. And it's shared.

(rock music softly playing) (sets key on counter)

Whoa. Whoa. (laughs)

Sorry. I was in the... back.

Just... chugging some... water.

Anyway, just so you know, buddy,

I... I got a bathroom, you know, of my own.

I just... Oh. No, no, no, no.

I get it. Don't even sweat it, buddy.

It's proximity issues. I see it all the time, man.

Issues. I don't know if they're... issues.

But, uh... Come on, man.

Been coming here like... six weeks now?

You're just married, right?

Oh. No, I just moved in with my girlfriend, actually.

I get it, bro. Otherwise you would be

"doing the duty" at home, you know what I mean? (laughs)

Duty: D-U-T-Y.

Oh... It's a pun. Yeah.

Yeah. It's my thing. Now, you know what else?

Her sister is going through a rough divorce, right? Ah.

So she's living with us. She's around all the time.

All the time. Cannot get any privacy.

Yeah. So. Oh!

That's why. You're drinking your way through it.

Nice, dude! Smart. Very good.

Oh, uh, this is, uh, this is for, um...

My buddy's having a barbecue a little later this week,

so, I'm just getting...

Uh, I love barbecues.

Oh, do you?

Um... y-yeah.

I love-I love getting invited to barbecues.

We would have fun at... at a barbecue together. Hey.

Hey. Why don't you, uh...

You-you should totally come to the barbecue.

If you're not doing anything. Nah,

I've got a, just a really busy week,

so probably... Hey, look,

if you've got stuff... No, I'm going to be there.

I'm definitely... I'm there! (chuckles)

All right. Yeah.

Maybe we'll share one of those beers. Hey. Perhaps we will.

Making the right decision, here.

(entry bell chimes) We're going to get crazy.

Hey.

I'm going to a barbecue.

ADAM: Okay. So she makes four dollars a week more than you. And this

has got your panties in a bunch? MIKE: Yeah, they're not in a bunch.

Oh! But they're gathering. I mean, I can hear it.

ETHAN: Oh, they are definitely gathered.

MIKE: All right, look. On some level, yeah.

I always felt like, you know, Lisa respected me

a little bit more, because I made more money.

I mean, not intellectual respect. But, you know...

ADAM: Yeah, nobody thought that. Please.

Uh, he means, like, caveman respect.

MIKE: Exactly. It's primal, you know?

Like, you go out, you kill the meat, you bring it home

for the family. You provide.

Yeah. It's kind of like the way I respect Adam more,

because I'm pretty sure he could take you in a fight.

Yes! Thank you.

Really? Really?

Are you kidding me right now? Ethan? What're... uh...

Clearly, I can take Adam in a fight.

Why are you saying that? ADAM: Oh,

I just thought of ten ways that I could defeat you,

the first of which being just showing up to the fight.

That's it. MIKE: Oh, come on!

I have an 80-inch wingspan. ADAM: Okay.

You know what? I got three inches on you.

I am like a condor.

Pull over, then. Pull over.

We're going to do this, right now.

(chortles)

This has been a long time coming, Michael.

ETHAN: All right, let's do it again. Last time. Arms up.

Come on...! Adam!

MIKE: You're cheating! ETHAN:

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hold it a second. Thank you. Come on!

Adam is the winner. Oh. Dude. Do my jacket.

Just a... Do it again with my jacket!

Where are you going?!

You aren't going to live with that.

You got to be kidding me. Here, do it again.

Just... Come on, Adam!

Whoa! What's with the beer.

Lisa said not to bring anything. Yeah.

but actually, she takes notice and then holds a grudge.

I'll be right back. Where are you going?

Uh... nowhere. That's not true.

I'm going somewhere. Um...

I'm going down to the mini-mart, okay?

Where they have peppermint patties

that they freeze... it's special.

No, no, no! We're about to leave.

I don't want to be late. You know how Lisa gets.

Hey!

Oil me up. Oh.

I don't know. I don't think I should.

Oh, don't make it weird;

it's suntan lotion.

What's going on, ladyfingers? Put some man behind it.

(passionate cry)

Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. Oof...

This is quickly becoming weird.

KATE: No, no, no. Just get deep.

Don't be embarrassed.

Katie, this is going to be good for you.

Maybe you'll meet a guy, you know?

Someone you connect with, have something in common with?

Maybe get a coffee date.

No, actually, I just kind of want to get boned.

Okay, now the front. Hup!

I'm just kidding. But seriously, we should leave

right now you guys, 'cause I don't want to be late.

Okay? I'll be in the car!

(door closes) Isn't she great!

Yes.

(door opens)

You know, you can do the charcoal,

but you have to have a little bit of cedar chips... LISA: Hey, honey...

This is Toby. He's the caterer. Hey, Toby.

I hired him to man the grill.

I man the grill. I know.

But I wanted you to be able to mingle today.

We'll have fun. You'll be my arm-candy.

ETHAN: Yeah...

Put on that sweet little dress.

You know the one I'm talking about.

Hand it over.

CALLIE: I just think that you should

take things slow, okay? Meet someone nice.

Hey, I met someone nice.

That's me. Came into the flower shop

where I was working. KATE: I know.

He came in. He bought a little bouquet of flowers.

And then he left.

Well, okay. Well, yeah.

Well, then what did he do?

And then he came back a few minutes later

and he gave them to me.

Yes. Oh, just say it. I nailed that.

And we took things slow.

You called me the next day.

You said he tore all the petals off those flowers,

and threw them all over the mattress CALLIE: No, no, no!

in the back of his van.

You're-you're getting that story wrong!

Uh... no I am not. I remember it

crystal clear. You called me

the next day and said that you were up all night

having an all-night drill sess.

Katie, honey! Wrong story! You're so confused.

I'm not going crazy! You told me you had

sex four times with this man! Katie, shut up!

Small-batch bourbon. You know how to treat your guests right.

Hey, hey, hey. N-n-n-no. That's not for you.

That is for Harvey. What, your boss?

You invited him? Why? Oh, I don't know.

We've been dancing around being friends for awhile, so it just

kind of felt right. You have?

Yeah, we have. Yeah. We, uh,

shared a sandwich last week.

It was a meatball sub. It's a premium sandwich.

It's a good sandwich. Yeah, you don't

share that with someone unless they're your buddy.

(doorbell chimes) Unbelievable.

I put a sign out that says,

"Don't ring the bell." I put it over the bell!

You'd have to move it to ring the bell!

Yeah, that's my wife.

(sniffs) Why are you smelling me?

I see what this is. The faint whiff of talcum powder,

your boss is coming. You're going to ask for a raise.

Shh. Of course I'm going to ask for a raise.

But Lisa doesn't need to know that.

All she needs to know is that I got a raise.

Well, how will she know?

It's primal. She'll smell it.

Also, I'll leave the paycheck out.

Baby, about the first day we met--

that story's a lot more complicated than she made it seem.

Really, really? There's a lot more awesome

twists and turns I don't know about?

Aw, are we still talking about this? Kate.

Look, clearly we need to discuss this.

Oh, hey, guys. Hey.

How are you?

You brought beer. You didn't have to do that.

Is that why you're late?

'Cause you stopped to go get beer?

Just kidding. Come on, party's outside.

It's right out... I'm coming.

Hey, hey. Something's happening.

We got burgers.

Whoo!

You got it figured out, Mike.

Beautiful wife, biracial kid.

You're living the dream, man.

The new dream.

Thank you, Harvey.

We did it, we really did. Yeah.

Didn't we? Oh, yeah.

I wish my wife was a different race.

Oh, hi.

Hey, good afternoon.

Hey, hi, I'm Tad.

Uh, like really good friends with Adam.

Oh, hi. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm... I'm sure he pre-- advised you of my attendance.

Uh, no, actually he didn't.

But that's okay.

Come on in.

That's like him.

He also forgot to give me your address.

But I found you. (chuckles)

I'm glad you did. Awesome.

Come on in. Why, it sure was hard to find where you live.

Straight through there. (laughing)

TAD: Is that you that smells so good?

Of course, I had no idea it was turkey meatloaf.

(laughter)

(cackling)

Oh, I love meatloaf.

Me, too.

Oh, um, could you get me some more wine, honey?

Thank you so much.

Well, well, well.

Ethan, good to see you again.

Hi. Hi.

You must be Callie's sister, right?

Yeah. Kate. Exactly. Good memory. Yeah, Kate.

Enchanté. Oh, French.

Mais oui, mais oui.

I must say that sundress looks fantastic on you.

It comes off super fast, too.

Excuse me? Mm-hmm.

Hey, can I borrow her for one second?

Must you?

Yeah, just for a minute.

Girl talk. (laughing)

Okay, she's your sister.

Come on, we're walking.

So much heat.

Yeah, yeah, it's hot out here.

Oh! ETHAN: Oh!

Yeah, not Ethan.

What do you mean "not Ethan"?

Yeah, he's a great guy,

really nice,

but he's really only interested in one thing, sweetie.

Yes, and I have it for him underneath this sundress.

It's Christmas morning-- let's unwrap the package.

Oh... Actually,

small confession. It's not exactly wrapped.

Oh, that's great information.

It's not mine to keep, you know what I mean?

Uh-huh. I have to share it.

Oh, let's keep it for a couple more minutes, huh?

Let's save it up.

(water running)

(groans)

Hey, man, where you been?

I was just gonna use your bathroom here.

No, there's a party bathroom right around the corner.

Right. Mike, you know, my issue here, okay?

Callie's sister's been with us for a week,

and it's hard for me to find a window.

Oh, yeah, I saw them out by the bean dip having

a serious confab. What's that all about?

I don't know. It's something about a guy she hooked up with

before we started dating. Callie?

Yeah. Can you help me here?

Because I am harboring a serious fugitive.

What do you mean?

I'm not traveling alone here.

I'm bringing along a guest that you can't see right now.

You brought a guest to my party?

(whispers): The guest is inside me.

Adam, party bathroom!

Mike, I can't use the party bathroom!

Whoa! Hey, why you getting so fired up?

I'm sorry. There's a line

and there's a lot of strangers,

and I can't deal with the pressure.

Look, I feel your pain,

but I have got bigger fish to fry here.

My boss is here. I gotta get a raise.

Look, party bathroom.

Fine.

It's locked. Party bathroom.

Lisa's rules.

Hey, Adam, Adam,

buddy, whoa! Buddy, there you are!

Hey, uh, Todd. Tad.

Yeah, cool, 'cause I was... So you came?

Yeah. Oh, man, somebody came in the shop today.

They're, like, "Hey, I need to use the bathroom."

I'm, like, "Sorry. You're gonna have to need

a best friend key to get in there." Crazy.

Oh, speaking of bathrooms, I gotta...

You gotta let me...

(sighs)

Hey, you, uh, you gonna be in there for a while?

You're not helping.

Mike, is that why you invited me?

And I thought we were becoming friends.

I even gave you half of my sandwich.

You did, you did, and it was delicious.

Which is why I feel, you know, comfortable enough

to say I think I'm a valuable asset to the firm.

There's no question about that.

Okay, well, then I think I deserve a raise.

Mike, the economy's in the toilet.

You know how raises are.

I know they come out on schedules, and blah-blah-blah.

Look, the point is is that...

God! Look, Lisa got a raise, and it's killing me.

Lisa? Oh... (chuckles)

Oh, man, I get it. Okay.

Yeah. All right, how much

can I give you to make this right?

I'm gonna write a number down.

Really? You're really gonna write it?

I've always wanted to.

Oh, okay. All right.

You're not really sliding it, are you?

I can't believe...

Ha! Five dollars? That's a week.

A week? Yep. Can you make that happen?

Hey, if it's gonna put the pants back on, you're done.

Oh, God! Thank you, Harv. I love you.

You are an honest man.

Just let me have that back if that's cool.

All right, if you'll just excuse me.

I gotta step out.

Okay.

Whoo, boy!

Steppin'. We steppin'.

We crumpin', we crumpin'.

Dance party.

Who are you?

I'm Adam's best friend.

I'm Adam's best friend.

Oh, come on, Katie.

There's plenty of hot guys here besides Ethan.

What about...? Oh, what about Mike's friend Howard?

KATE: Oh, no, honey.

See, he's like a graham cracker.

I want something with some crunch.

Something... juicy.

Something foreign and exciting, like Ethan.

Okay. Well, as an alternative, what about Kenny G over there?

He's kinda sexy in a hippie way.

Honey, he looks like a cat toy.

Oh, come on.

If I was single, I'd-I'd hit that.

If you were single? Where's Adam?

He's been avoiding you all afternoon.

It's like you're clinging to me.

He has not been avoiding me.

He's just having a little...

Where is...? Okay, you know what?

It's not about me. This is about you

and your bad decisions and your oversharing

and your little unwrapped hoo-ha.

Who died and made you crotch goalie?

Okay, you know what?

Make your own decision, sweetie. I love you.

I love you, too. And I will.

Don't catch anything.

Nothing but the love bug.

Extraordinary, isn't it?

Homemade burgers.

I make memories in a bun.

Hey, have you seen Adam?

Uh, no. Why, what's wrong?

I don't know. I think we're fighting. Or not.

I can't get a handle on anything today.

Callie! (cries out)

Damn, girl!

Look at that butt! (chuckles)

Hello? Don't you know who I am?

This is Tad. He's Adam's friend.

Uh, best friend, kind of. I'm a little offended,

but you know, we're playing

with the "best" part, but we're definitely friends.

We're definitely friends.

Sorry. How do you know Adam again?

He uses my bathroom.

Excuse me?

LISA: Come on, Callie, Adam's always had huge bathroom issues.

That's how you met, right? Couldn't go at work,

so he'd make a pit stop at your flower shop.

But you knew that.

Oh, my God!

Wow. You know, now that I think about it,

I can't remember one time

he's ever gone around me, like, ever. That's crazy.

You know, I have had a really crappy few months.

Yeah, I heard a bit about it from Adam.

Now I just really want to have some fun!

And you seem like just the guy to be able to do that.

You look pretty fun yourself.

Trust me.

I'm a bit of an expert.

Oh.

I want to go for a ride!

(chuckles)

All right, let's go.

(gasps) (laughs)

Whee!

Whee! (laughs)

You brought protection, right?

Great party, Mike. Gotta go to a soccer game,

see my son not score a goal.

Ooh! Hey, congrats, man.

That is the hardest I've ever seen anyone fight

for a five dollar raise.

Harvey.

Five dollar raise?

Why would you fight for a five...?

Oh, my God.

Uh...

Soccer. I got...

Asthma... My son.

(thudding)

There's somebody in here.

Are you kidding me?

(music playing, people conversing indistinctly)

(thudding)

(passionate moaning)

Ah! Oh! Oh!

(gasps)

Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

Okay, okay.

I can do this.

(gasps)

Ah! Can't do it.

(phone line rings)

Hi. Hey, hey, sweetie.

Yeah, I'm good.

Listen, uh, I'm gonna need some help in here.

LISA: You couldn't be supportive.

You couldn't just be happy for me.

You had to make one dollar more.

Lisa, I'm sorry. Look, it's a caveman thing.

(makes whiplash sound)

(laughs)

Ooh, did you feel that?

Oh, I felt a variety of things...

crescendoing into one big thing.

No, I meant like spiritually.

Like, I felt like our souls connected.

Like almost like I had to go through

that horrible divorce in order to become

emotionally available to be with you.

Yes, um, listen, Katherine, Kate, Kate.

Uh, you are an exceptional woman.

(scoffing laugh)

I'm totally just kidding!

Oh! (laughs)

All right, round two. Girl on top. Let's go.

Look, I don't care

that you had sex on my flowers, all right?

We weren't even dating then.

Then why are you so upset?

I thought we were gonna tell each other everything.

Oh, so you want to have a policy

where we tell each other everything?

Yeah, I do.

Then why did I have to hear about your bathroom problems

from your little stoner friend?

Okay, first of all, he is not my friend.

Wow!

Message received loud and clear.

Tad... I unfriend you!

Tad...

Mmm-mm. Let's not end it like this.

Great hair.

Hey.

(sighs)

I don't know if you saw on the news earlier,

but, um, they are reporting that I was kind of a dick.

Yeah, I saw that.

It said that you were a huge dick.

Like, big one.

Point well taken.

Listen...

you're smart, beautiful and...

Are you seriously drawing a blank

after two generic adjectives?

No, no. No, I wasn't. Look, I love you.

And somehow I convinced the universe

to get you to marry me.

Well, that's nice.

Look, the point is

that you are better than me at everything.

I mean, I'm a better golfer 'cause I'm stronger, but...

You're losing steam.

Look, the point is is that you are an amazing mother,

you are an incredible wife

and you are phenomenal at your job.

The one thing I thought I had on you

is that I made a little bit more money.

I brought home one more slice of bacon.

That's not all you bring.

You're very tall.

You're great on the grill.

Yeah, why did you hire that guy?

Money went to my head.

Yes, it did.

So do you think, like, sometime in the future

you could maybe go to the bathroom

within, like, 500 feet of me?

(chuckles)

It's a strange request.

You really want that?

Yeah, I mean, I don't have

to be in the room or anything.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Just close the door and wait in the bedroom.

Oh, like... like right now?

Yeah. Because I love you.

I love you, too.

All right. Good luck.

Oh, actually, uh, before you go,

can you... can you help me...?

Oh, unbuckle? Yeah.

Oh, my body is so confused right now.

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