Original subtitles

MIKE: Guys, guess who I just got a call from.

A little blast from the past.

Oh, wait, was it Kara Richardson from freshman year?

She's the one I was telling you about.

Oh, my God, thank God for coed bathrooms, right?

ETHAN: Oh. No, it wasn't her.

It's Charlie.

Yeah, I don't know a Charlie.

Do you think Kara lives in town? I should call her.

Right. Yeah, you should totally call her.

You guys, you both know Charlie McCauley, my little brother

from the Little Brother- Big Brother program.

(Adam groans) You know, stay on topic.

Do you think Kara's single?

Guys, look, I just want to brag

a little bit here. My little brother

turned out great.

He wrote a book, and it's getting published.

Wow, so he is a success in spite of your guidance.

(laughs) No, because of it.

I spent every Sunday with that kid for three years.

I can't wait to get home and tell Tommy.

That little guy has got

my guidance and my genes.

There's nothing he can't do.

Your genes.

That explains why Tommy's always eating crayons.

MIKE: Hey, you know what? (laughs)

That was one time, and it was

because Lisa bought those stupid scented ones.

ETHAN: Hey, what is that wind? What am I hearing?

Oh, sorry, that's me. I took Callie's car.

I got the oil changed and then I filled it up with gas.

Now I'm about to pick up her dry cleaning.

MIKE: No, it's not sweet. Oh, that's sweet.

That is foreplay, straight out of my handbook.

Every Sunday... (chuckles)

...I bring home a little frozen yogurt

so that later Lisa and I can start the week off right.

Yeah, and once sex with you is off her list,

she knows her week can only get better.

Oh...

No, that's not why I'm doing this.

You know, Callie can be sort of a free spirit sometimes,

so I like to just take charge and get things done.

You know, last time I picked up her dry cleaning,

they found a shirt that she had left here two years ago.

ETHAN (laughs): Classic.

(tires screeching) Yeah, I know.

Classic Callie move.

No, you know, half the time she doesn't even know

I'm doing this stuff. I'm like a phantom,

fixing-- nay, preventing problems before they start,

a silent hero if you will.

Uh, like a mute Superman.

Those are not my words, but I am pretty amazing and...

I, um, got to call you back.

MIKE: What, what's going on?

Call you back.

So you left it running,

keys in the ignition, and the car unlocked?

I know, I am so sorry, but in my defense,

it wouldn't have made much sense for me

to lock the car with the keys inside.

That would just be foolish, right?

Well, I would still have a car.

Yeah.

MIKE: Hey, babe,

I got some fro-yo.

What do you say we bust it out,

see where the night takes us?

That's very sweet,

but I already had yogurt with the girls this afternoon.

(doorbell rings) What?

What do you mean you had yogurt with the girls?

That's our thing.

Hey, hey.

Oh, my God, Mike, look who's here.

Big brother.

Wow.

(both chuckling)

Charlie, look at you.

You're all grown up.

I know. You got a mustache.

Yeah, don't think you're all tough

'cause you can kind of grow facial hair now.

I didn't think we were gonna see you till Saturday.

Well, I can only stay for a sec.

I just came by because I couldn't wait

to give you this.

His new book. Your new book.

My new book,

I know, I know.

It's an advance copy;

they're still figuring out the artwork.

Oh, we are totally going to celebrate on Saturday.

Yes, and I'm buying because-- let's be honest--

I owe you a lot.

Oh, come on, you don't have-- I mean, you can if you want to.

Just make sure you can cover it 'cause this one likes to drink.

I do not like to dri--

okay, we got a sitter, I like to drink.

(all laugh)

Okay, cool, I'm in. Saturday, okay?

Yes. Oh, bye, sweetie.

Thank you.

Bye. Wow.

It's so heavy.

It's got to be good.

(chuckles)

Unbelievable.

What?

The dedication.

Oh, that's so sweet.

He dedicated it to you?

No, he didn't.

"To Lisa Reilly, thanks for everything"?

Oh, he dedicated it to me.

Wow... that is so sweet.

That is so sweet.

Oh...

(sighs)

So that's pretty wild

about Charlie dedicating the book to me, huh?

Yeah, it's crazy.

I mean, I like

to think that I helped, but...

I never had a book dedicated to me before.

Yeah, who has?

Oh... you're upset about the dedication,

aren't you? What, upset?

Why do you think I'm upset? Well...

for starters, when you're upset,

you start saying everything in the form of a question.

Who says I do that? You think I do that?

Yes, Mike, I do, and I know you.

If people don't give you the credit

that you feel you deserve,

you get frustrated. I do?

When, what are you talking about?

Let's start with the block tower.

Oh...

Tommy built

a tower. MIKE: Uh, actually,

you know, it was more my idea and I built most of it.

Oh, well, good for you, Michael, you built a tower.

Yes, I did.

Well, Tommy helped out a little bit.

Oh, well, that's very nice of you.

I loved that car.

It was spunky, petite, it had attitude.

Oh, my God, it was me but a car.

Sweetie, I'm sorry.

I called the police and they assured me

that they have their best people on it.

(garbled radio transmission)

Feels good to have her back, doesn't it?

Some of her.

So I've been meaning to ask:

getting your girlfriend's car stolen--

did you get sex for that?

I did not, but on the plus side,

Callie's insurance check is coming in.

So you know what I'm gonna do?

I am gonna surprise Callie and buy her a brand-new car.

That's right, life gave me lemons, I'm making lemonade.

I wish I knew why he dedicated the book to her and not me.

Yeah, maybe Charlie thinks she's hot.

(laughs) Look, I have

a flawless radar of who thinks my wife is hot,

and that is not what this is about.

Are we gonna go get food or not?

'Cause I got to go buy Callie a car.

What, you don't even know what she wants.

She designed her dream car on a Web site last night.

I checked her history this morning.

She didn't clear her history?

You know what? I don't think that women do that.

What? Yeah, they don't need to.

If we knew they were looking up porn,

we'd be thrilled.

Yeah, I'll tell you what turns Callie on--

Toyota Prius, Barcelona red.

I got to get a great deal on this car.

Yeah, well, that's not going to happen.

You're like every salesman's wet dream.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here, Mike, and say that

I am no man's wet dream.

Oh, that is where you're wrong.

Mm-hmm.

So... this is used?

No, it's refurbished.

Kind of sounds used. It's just less new.

You know, I like you; I'll throw in headphones.

For free?

All you need is to buy the extended warranty.

(laughs)

How do you stay in business?

Wonderful customers like you.

(laughs)

ETHAN: You cannot go by yourself.

You need your friend, who is the king of negotiating,

to go with you and get this done.

Thank you for the kind words, Ethan.

I'm sorry, can I get another coffee, please?

(laughs)

When do you want me to go?

You?

He doesn't want your help; he wants mine.

I'm a lawyer; I get paid to screw people.

What are your qualifications? Well, Michael,

I like people and people like me

because people like people who like people.

I'm a people person.

That's who you want negotiating for you?

I'm telling you, if you care about people,

they'll care about you.

I'll prove it.

What is our waitress's name?

Aw, jeez, um, I want to say Tina.

I thought we had a waiter.

(chuckles) Nicole. Yeah.

Sweetie, how many weeks

until little Megan is born?

Eight. I can't wait,

but until then, could my friend get

another cup of decaf?

I'll make you a fresh pot.

Of course you will.

Wow.

What if the car salesman's a man?

I can do that, too.

So we get the best deal we can

and we meet back here in an hour.

Oh, you need that long, do you?

I'll be back in 45 minutes.

Oh, good, then, I'll be waiting 15.

Guys, come on, can we just do this?

Because I can't leave here today without buying a car.

Wow. Sweet Lord.

Remember I told you you could shout at me?

Not going to happen.

We got to get an extended warranty, right?

Right?

(whistling)

Uh, can I help you with something?

Yes,

yes, you can.

I'm here to see... Glenn G.

So, you looking to buy a car today?

I am not, but my buddy is,

and I'm gonna be handling all the negotiations.

Oh, where is your...? My friend?

Nice try.

Look, I'm gonna be straight with you.

Uh, my buddy is buying a car in the next 30 minutes.

Okay.

Got an offer from another dealership.

Not going to lie-- it's pretty good.

If you can beat it, you're selling a car today.

That's the price you need to beat.

So go ahead, talk it over with your little backroom buddies,

and I'll be over here having some free doughnuts.

They're still free, aren't they?

Yeah. Nice.

(scoffs)

I mean...

I think this is pretty good for a free doughnut.

Did you dip it in your coffee?

You got to dip it in your coffee.

There's a whole new level of pastry right there.

It's the little things in life. How long you

I've been coming here for years.

Why do you think I agreed

to help you buy a car?

Friendship.

Do you want the Bluetooth?

Plenty of time to sell me the bells and whistles, Glenn.

First thing I need to know is-- wow, who is that lovely lady

right there?

Oh, they make us share desks.

This is actually Marshall's wife Jodie.

She is so beautiful.

You married, Glenn?

Girlfriend?

Boyfriend?

No, it's kind of tough to meet anyone,

especially when you live at home with your parents.

Bingo.

Tell me, Glenn...

what exactly do you want from life?

I don't know, not to sleep in a bunk bed?

Okay.

Wow-- wow.

That is pretty good-- $1,000 off MSRP.

Mm-hmm. Impressive.

(chuckles)

(groans) Look at that.

Ethan beat you by $500.

I'm so off my game.

It's a brilliant idea, Adam.

Dipping it makes all the difference.

It does, doesn't it?

Are, are you kidding me?

That's my ide-- God, why will no one give m...?

I'm out of here.

Yeah, he did have that idea first.

Yeah, I knew that.

Ah, good move.

(car horn honks)

All right, Glenn, I got to get going.

Thank you so much.

You were amazing.

My pleasure. Thank you.

(both laugh, phone rings)

Ooh.

Hey, Mom,

guess what.

I wanted to tell you that I finally sold a...

Okay, yeah, tuna fish sounds delicious.

I... okay... I...

Uh, I love you, too.

Glenn, Glenn, where to start?

How about the tuna fish?

Come on, buddy, you sold a car today.

You're on the big board, it's a big deal.

Live a little.

So I sold a car? Big deal.

It is a big deal, Glenn.

Who sold more cars than you today?

Marshall, Eric,

Leslie, Glenn P.,

that new guy, Tatiana...

MAN: Okay, ah, good, good, good.

(grunts)

Hey, hey.

There he is. Here I am.

(both chuckle)

Got your call, man. You and Lisa still on for dinner, right?

Yeah, yeah, no, that's gonna be great,

it's gonna be great, no, and this is gonna be great.

This is gonna make that even greater.

Great, all great. Yeah.

I just figured we'd get back to the basics--

you know, just a couple of hombres hanging out, you know,

and what we say in the cage stays in the cage.

Yeah, preset stations.

(jazz playing) One jazz station's not going to kill you, Callie.

Wow.

So I was up late, late, late reading your book last night.

Did you like it?

Yeah, it's good, it's good.

There are some things at the beginning

I really didn't see coming.

You know, kind of zigged

when I thought you were going to zag. Whoa!

My publisher told me today the Tribune wrote a great review

which we might be able to include in the final version. Oh, so the advance copy,

you can still change it then?

Yeah... Ow!

God, Mike!

You okay, huh?

Yeah, I'm good. I'm fine.

Maybe get them to turn off the machine.

(phone dialing)

CALLIE: Hey, handsome.

Hey. I want to show you something.

Where are you?

I'm right out front.

Really? 'Cause I'm out front.

(horn honking)

Wow, when you buy a car, you just start seeing it everywhere, huh?

Why would you buy a car without me? I was going to surprise you.

Surprise.

Well, look, why'd you buy a car without me?

Well, that's the incredible thing.

I went in there just to look,

but I ended up laying the smack down on the sales associate.

You know, they prey on women who go in there alone.

Yeah, about that-- what was the damage?

$2,000 under MSRP, baby.

Really? Yeah.

Why, is that good?

What'd you pay? Let's not be like this, okay?

I mean, who are we, Mike and Lisa?

We're going to have to unload yours,

'cause mine's got the kick-ass rims.

Yeah, you need the kick-ass rims on that Prius.

I'm going to call Ethan.

He's become very close with that salesman.

(chuckles)

What are you giggling about?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

It's like upside down world, you know.

Like, I'm pulling all these classic Callie moves.

Well, what's a Callie move?

It's just all that sweet, charming,

cute stuff like-- like getting your car stolen

or buying a new car without discussing it with anybody.

And...

Uh...

No, it's not bad. It's what we love about you. We?

So what, you're sitting around with your friends, talking about

what an idiot I am? No, no, no, no.

Not what-- not what an idiot you are.

We talk... We're talking about how cool you are

and how free from the restraints

of reality you are, you know, and...

(door slamming)

Uh, Callie, I think

you accidentally slammed the door in my face.

(door locking) And locked it.

(door chain latching) And then the chain guy.

ETHAN: Wait, you said "Callie move"?

Oh, man, I'm surprised she didn't run you over

with one of her two cars.

So what happened when you went back in the apartment?

I'll... let you know.

Mike, you sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I just, you know, I took a ball to the dome.

It would have been worth it if I would have got some answers.

Well, it's good that you didn't ask about dedication.

Yeah, it's one thing to think and it's another thing to act on it.

Exactly. I mean, you ever think before you act, Mike?

(laughing) Hey, you bought two cars!

Well, I'm going to sell one of them back.

Ethan, uh, think you can get in touch with your buddy Glenn?

Uh, yeah, I can make that happen.

Ooh, look at this.

There's an open house. Utilities included, one bedroom.

Do I need a fireplace? What do you think?

Yeah, I think I really do need a fireplace.

Then that, my friend, is your answer.

Why don't we meet at the dealership at around 4:00?

30?

MIKE: Okay.

Good call on these doughnuts.

I got to go.

Lisa just got home. Bye.

All right, bye.

Okay, Tommy is at the sitter's. I just need to change

into a shirt that is not covered in spit-up,

and then I am good to go.

You're driving, 'cause I'm drinking.

What happened to you?

Oh, I just-- I went to the batting cages with Charlie.

You know, the machine got out of hand.

Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine, good. Just got a little bump.

Good. Then you're still driving. Yep.

I didn't know you went

to the batting cages with Charlie today. With my little brother?

What's with that? He's my little brother.

I used to do that all the time with him.

Why with all the questions?

Oh, my God.

What? Mike you just got hit in the head

with a ball. You're no match for me right now.

No, I was just... I want the credit.

There it is. There it is is right.

I want the credit.

In lieu of getting the credit,

I'd like to know why

he dedicated the book to you and not to me.

Is that why you signed up for the program-- for recognition?

Didn't you do it to enrich

a young mind? Look, if you're just going to quote the brochure...

Sometimes people do selfless things

that they never get credit for. Welcome to being a mom.

What does that even mean?

It means that every shirt I own

is covered in spit-up right here.

It means that when Tommy hits a home run,

everyone's going to be high-fiving you,

but no one's gonna pat me on the back

for getting him to the field on time

with his pants not filled with stinkies.

I do a million things during the day that I never get credit for.

Okay, great, fine. You know what, you convinced me.

So when Tommy writes a book,

I'll make sure he dedicates it to you.

But we're not talking about Tommy.

We're talking about my little brother here, Charlie.

Let it go, okay? Tonight is not about you.

I know it's not about me. Okay.

Why do you think I'm so pissed?

Come on, Glenn. Is this even a real number?

There's 12 miles on this car.

Look, Adam, you have to face the fact

that we're not going to give you

what you paid for the car.

What are you doing?

I'm invested in this man's life.

I did not plan on this happening, but it did.

We have had an incredible day,

right, Glenn? It's been pretty magical.

We bought him this new suit.

Got him gym membership. Because, and I quote,

"You can't get a lady to love you with that gut."

I tell it like it is. And the truth is,

the moment you drove that car off the lot, it became used.

I had it for a nanosecond.

Used.

And are we going to buy a used car from you

for the price of a new car? I don't think so.

Ain't gonna happen.

Poo.

You know, my happiest memory of living in that old apartment

was the day you came by with those etchings. Etchings?

Go ahead tell her.

I think it was the fifth... Sixth.

...sixth anniversary of my dad's passing. Oh, God...

Mike came over with these charcoal etchings of his gravestone.

Oh... With a note that said,

"No matter where your dad is, I know he's proud of you."

How did you not dedicate the book to him?

Well...

You don't have to answer that.

I mean, you can if you want to,

but, you know, don't feel like you're obligated, 'cause...

I mean, she is going to be thinking about it all night.

Every weekend, I thank him for hanging out with me,

and he'd say, "Don't thank me, thank Lisa."

Because every weekend I was with him

was a weekend he wasn't with you.

Oh...

Wow.

I'm just going to be honest here.

I think we'd both feel more comfortable if we picked up the check.

Yeah.

Okay, obviously I really screwed up.

And that whole "Callie move" thing-- it was idiotic.

You know, and I-- I took a bad situation,

and I used words to make it worse.

Yeah, we call that an "Adam move."

Can I float a theory?

I'm afraid to hear it, but float away.

I think you replaced that car

because you didn't think I could handle it myself.

No.

No.

Maybe.

Look, obviously I can buy a car. Obviously.

Did they throw that mug in? Mm-hmm.

Damn it.

Did you know that I paid $35

for the one I got you?

Sweetie, I know that you can buy a car without me.

But maybe I just wanted to believe that you couldn't.

What? Why?

Well, because

I'm a guy.

And maybe deep down I want to think

that you can't go through your everyday life without me.

And that's why I change your oil

and I get up really early to scrape the ice off your windshield.

(gasps) That's you?

I thought it was the creepy guy from 302.

No, it's me.

I am the creepy guy.

Look, I do need you.

Just not in the way you think I do.

To me, our relationship

is like this conversation that I'm never sick of having.

We look at the world the same way,

and when I talk to you, I know that I'm not crazy--

the world is.

I mean, I'm a little crazy, but...

You make me feel like it's the world that's crazy, not me.

That's all I need.

I don't need you to change my oil.

Unless that is a euphemism.

Because I do need the bedroom stuff.

The bedroom stuff?

Well, please, do tell.

Come on, I say like the nicest thing to you ever,

and that's what you fixate on?

I'm a guy.

(beeping) Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's that?

Wait, wait, wait, hold on.

How long has your low fuel light been on?

Oh, I don't know-- like 123 miles.

This Prius is good.

(steady tone)

(beeping stops)

Oops.

CALLIE: On the plus side, it turns out I do need you.

Oh, and I thought of something else.

You always get the paper towels

from the high shelf in the kitchen.

Yeah, I do do that.

And you always print out directions for me

when I'm going someplace new.

Oh, except my car does that now.

I got a GPS thrown in.

You keep thinking, I'll keep pushing.

Hey, Glenn, great news.

I scored a couple of tickets for the Cubs on Tuesday night.

Are you in? Oh, sorry, buddy.

I've been swamped here at work ever since the promotion.

Oh, okay.

Uh, how about dinner Friday night?

Yeah, no can do.

Jodie and I are going to Aspen for the weekend.

Jodie? Marshall's wife?

Yeah. Let's just say things didn't work out too well---

for him.

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