Original subtitles

MIKE: Wait, let me get this straight.

You're saying for the record

that Creedence Clearwater Revival

is the greatest American rock band?

I'm not saying it's definitely Creedence, you know?

I'm kind of uncomfortable saying it's Creedence.

All I'm saying is, it's much harder than you think

to name a better one.

Nirvana. No. Come on, we've already been over this.

There's no longevity. Longevity.

Okay, so it's longevity,

influence on other bands,

contribution to the canon.

Also intangibles-- what I like to call the Pixies factor.

But not the Pixies. No, but I can make a case...

No, you can't.

They're good.

All right, here's the thing.

America, a country founded on individualism,

excels at the solo artist.

Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan. PHIL: Beach Boys.

What's that, Phil?

Best American rock band-- the Beach Boys. No-brainer.

Of course. Of course.

I don't know why I didn't think of that. You are dead on, Phil.

Come on, really?

Just 'cause Phil said it doesn't mean it's true.

PHIL: I was on the Internet and I Binged it,

and six out of seven prominent rock critics agreed.

You see, I love you, Phil.

You're always there for me. I mean, literally.

Haven't left my apartment in seven years.

Massive social anxiety and agoraphobia.

You're a shut-in.

No one's judging.

In fact I find it quite comforting.

PHIL: Hey, Ethan, do I smell onions?

Yeah, you sure do, Phil.

Cooking up my gumbo.

(laughing) Oh, I hope she's worth it.

Oh, she's worth it.

PHIL: I don't care if he never hugged you.

It's his birthday. He's your father. You call him. Okay.

Don't forget the country code.

It's 01144.

That's weird. You're weird.

I hate that guy. I hate you, Mike.

Okay, let's go.

If we hurry we can make the 4:30 movie, all right?

But if you're going to just mosey or whatever,

I guess we can go to a later one. Oh, I vote mosey.

That wasn't a sincere offer.

Let's just power walk. Let's go.

Hey, hey, wait, wait, wait.

What?

I think that dog is lost.

No he's not. How do you know?

Because we don't have time for him to be lost right now.

He's fine. Look at him. He probably belongs to somebody...

Yeah, of course he does.

Somebody who's probably wondering where he is.

Because if they knew where he was, they'd be with him, huh?

You're such a sweetie petey.

Oh, see, look.

"If lost, please call."

Hey, I got a great idea.

Let's tie him to this pole here.

Who would do that?

Not me. Take him.

All right. I'll call.

Hey, bud.

No.

Aw, no service.

Stay with him. I'm going to go to the corner.

Aw...

I've been trying to see this movie for three weeks.

Mishka! Mishka!

You found my Mishka!

Oh, good, he belongs to you.

You live in my building.

Yes.

I wasn't sure about you.

But thank you very much.

Most people would walk by.

Well, not this guy.

Oh, or this girl.

(shouting): Hello.

Why can't God make more like you?

You are great hero.

I don't know about... Okay.

Come, Mishka.

Come on, home.

Well, that just happened.

She kissed me on my mouth.

(loud rock music playing in distance)

Mike, that jerk next door woke Tommy up again.

Oh, come on! You got to be kidding me!

Where's my pants?

Where's my pants, baby?

Sorry. I put them in the wash.

They were in the pile on the floor.

Were they hurting anyone?

See, this is why you never take a man's pants.

Because I've got to be ready to do battle at any moment.

Battle? Yes.

(loud music continues) Ever since this guy moved in,

it's been one thing after another.

The hockey pucks

against the back of the fence.

The sketchy girls coming over in the middle of the night.

And the music-- the nonstop loud music.

Honey. Hon, wait.

You're not going over there, are you?

I've tried everything.

The guy is oblivious.

The time for polite conversation is over.

Okay, let's just call the cops.

That's not my style.

I don't call the law; I am the law.

Okay, fine.

But just to be clear,

you are not planning on getting into a fight, right?

You know, Lisa, I'm not planning on it, (Tommy crying)

but here's the thing-- anytime two guys

get into an argument it could end in a fight.

Just saying.

And you know who wins that fight?

The guy who will do whatever it takes to destroy his opponent.

God help me, I like that about you.

Yeah, you do.

I'm just saying, it's not fair.

You get all the credit. You wanted to tie him to a tree.

Uh, a pole. And I said that in jest.

You know, Magda is old and there's clearly a language barrier.

Yet she knows the word "hero."

I'm sure she meant "heroes."

You know what, she probably learned how to speak English

when she was, like, 70.

All right, well, if we're both heroes,

where's my grateful grandma kiss, huh?

No. No, you don't want that.

It was all onions and whiskers.

Wait a second.

That's probably why you didn't like it when I grew that mustache, huh?

But it tickles.

Yeah, but it looks really good.

Oh, yeah. That's why I didn't like the mustache.

That mustache was the only time I've been happy.

Look, who cares who gets the credit?

Um, how about the person who did not get the credit-- me.

It doesn't matter, sweetie,

because we're a couple, you know,

and we have a joint account of goodwill.

It's like, when people think of me, they think of you

and vice-versa.

Yeah, that sounds like a steaming pile...

You know, it's also kind of sweet.

I guess I'm torn.

Listen, I just think

I should get the benefit of the doubt here,

because I am kind of a hero.

You'll be back.

No, I won't!

(whispers): Yes, you will.

Uh, hey, man, what's going on?

What's going on? Really? That's all you got for me?

Sorry. I usually try to make a little small talk before...

Where's the pizza?

I'm not... I'm not the pizza delivery guy, man.

I'm your neighbor.

You woke up my son for, like, the tenth time.

Oh, dude, I'm sorry.

Usually we play with the French doors closed,

but Flea and Chad wanted to get some ventilation,

so... Really? Flea and Chad? Are you funny?

You think you're like the Red Hot Chili Peppers now?

No, I'm not.

They are obviously.

I mean, his name's Flea.

You know, I just do some session work usually.

I played a little bit on Stadium Arcadium.

I don't like to talk about it.

Wow, God, I really love that album.

Yeah, it's a great one, right?

I'm producing their next album actually.

Really? Yeah.

Wow.

Soon to be a Pep, I hope.

Hope I'll be a Pepper.

Is that a, uh, is that a Grammy?

Oh, no. That's a paperweight.

That's a Grammy though.

Really? Yeah.

Hey, do you want any pomegranate juice?

I bought way more than I'm going to be able to drink,

and it's about to expire.

MIKE: Sure.

(knocking) Yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming.

I'm never going to know the end of that dream now.

(knocking) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, good morning, Mrs. Slivovitz.

Oh, no, Mrs. Slivovitz.

Magda.

This is for you.

It's reward for saving Mishka.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

It's so nice of you to bring this by

at, uh, 5:15 in the morning.

Do a good deed as the sun rises.

I don't know that that expression translates through all cultures,

but thank you.

In my country, it's like gold.

Okay.

Muchos gracias.

(chuckles)

Okay. Uh, I don't know why I said that.

I don't even know what the language is, right?

How good is this jam and butter?

Mm, it's awesome.

Almost makes up for the fact

that you stole my credit for finding the dog.

I think that we both got credit,

because this is clearly enough bread for two people.

(knocking)

Oh, hi. Come on in.

Is extra.

Oh, thank you.

For him.

For him...

In my country, a woman is dressed before sunrise.

Sorry. Should have worn my head scarf.

'Cause in her country,

they don't have a very strong lounging culture. It's for you.

Gonna need more jam.

You hear that?

What?

Nothing.

No hockey pucks, no drum circle.

I don't know what you did,

but you must have brought the pain.

Yeah, you know, I went over there and...

So what did you do?

(hard rock playing)

Yeah.

They always get in the way, you know?

Watch it. Ow.

I'm not going to lie-- it got ugly.

That is my man.

Uh, looks pretty chilly out.

You should just wear a sweater.

No, I'll be fine, baby. I'm hot-blooded.

PHIL: She's right, Ethan.

It's totally sweater weather.

Okay, you know, this thing with Phil is not normal.

Oh, Alexa, don't worry. I don't watch.

He doesn't watch. Doesn't even listen, either.

He's got a white noise machine.

PHIL: It's perfect. It gives him total privacy.

Ethan (British pronunciation): Privacy.

PHIL (American pronunciation): Privacy. Privacy.

Can he hear everything? PHIL: No, not everything.

I don't know what she's talking about.

Phil's the best. I know.

Last time I was at your place

he got me a great rate on car insurance.

And between me and you, I've had a few accidents.

And you know what's so great about Phil?

He never told me that.

I love invisible friends.

Invisible friends are the best.

Wheel him in.

Okay, you want to just... Okay.

MIKE: You don't think it's just a little bit weird

that in the seven years you've lived there

you've never even met the guy, not once?

You know, maybe I don't want to meet Phil.

Maybe I like my relationship with Phil just the way it is.

You know, we just talk, you know?

We don't make demands on each other.

Yeah, it's kind of like confession or therapy.

I don't know about that.

The only therapy I need is a beer and my ax.

(laughter)

ADAM: Wait, wait, wait, your ax?

Oh, that is just ridiculous.

Yeah, when was the last time you touched your bass?

Hey, I've noodled around a little bit.

I've been laying down some deep grooves.

Some deep grooves. What are you talking about?

MIKE: Some extremely deep grooves.

Oh, yeah, yeah, extremely.

Yeah, they were nasty, tasty and funkadelic.

There's nothing funkadelic about you, Mike.

I was slappin' it.

I was * Bam-ba-bam-ba-bam, bow-bow-bow. *

(continues imitating bass line)

* Bom-ba-dom, da-dom-ba-dom-da *

* Bom-ba-dom-ba-dom, bom-bom-bom-bom... *

(barking)

It's like they're reproducing.

You know what, this has got to stop.

You got to tell Magda we don't want any more bread.

I don't want to offend her,

because in her culture gifts are very important.

You know this. Also,

I ran into the super the other day,

and he said she has Old World magic.

Seriously.

She gave him a funny look.

The next day he woke up with impetigo.

Coincidence? Probably, but we just moved in here.

I don't want to cause any trouble.

Yeah. I understand. Talk to her.

It's 2:00. It's, uh, like sundown for her.

You know, she has...

Okay, fine. Homeless shelter.

All right.

Uh, forgot one.

Ready? Ooh!

Yeah.

(door opens)

Hello, darling.

Are you here?

Darling?

ALEXA: No, no, sleep apnea's far more common than you think.

Alexa?

Hey, Ethan! Phil and I were just talking about you.

What are you doing up there?

He's a big part of your life.

I wanted to meet Phil. PHIL: It's great.

I'm way less anxious than I thought I'd be.

You should come up.

Uh, uh, no, I've got to give Carl a bath.

(Carl barks)

Oh, seriously?

That's the one I was telling you about.

He finds dogs.

Oh...!

(chuckles) Magda...

Mishka, hello. Ma'am.

She will bring you jam.

It's good with bread.

Also good for making babies.

Terrific. Mishka, stop it.

Uh, about the bread...

What about the bread?

We love the bread.

The bread is great.

(Mishka growling) We don't, um...

We don't... Stop it.

We don't deserve the bread, you see?

It's too good for us. Stop it.

So modest... and strong.

You will make giant babies.

Stop it.

Oh!

I don't know how those got in there.

(both gasp)

Um, I'm gonna go upstairs

and make those giant babies now, you know?

(Eastern-European accent): Because then I'll get more workers for the field.

Oh, don't listen to that.

ADAM: * I love taking showers, yes, I do. *

Ow! Ow! Ow-ow!

Callie, Callie, Callie, it's happening right now.

It's happening!

Ah, God! I got scalded again.

That's it. It's Magda.

'Cause she's been in this building forever, right?

She knows the super, and she may or may not have magical powers.

This is why you have to go downstairs and apologize to her.

Whoa! No-no-no-no. Why me?

Because you're the one

who made me take that bag of bread outside.

Yeah, I also found the dog, which you seemed happy

to take credit for. Why can't you take the heat on this?

Come on. Joint account, remember?

Yes, I think we can both agree that that joint account

is just a big crock, so...

Thank you.

The thing is I've already

sort of established myself as, um-- I don't know,

what's the word I'm looking for-- a hero in this.

Oh, I see. So you want me to be the villain.

No, no, I don't. Nature does.

What is that supposed to mean?

It's just that you're a... Well, look at me.

I have this broad...

I'm gonna go

with "welcoming" face, right?

And people just instinctively like me.

But you're more of like a...

A what?

Um, a strong cup of coffee, right?

Because you're very powerful.

Like a radioactive pellet.

Which is very attractive, uh, on you.

And... I love you.

Look, I just, I don't want to fall into these rigid roles.

I've seen too many couples who get trapped

into these ideas of who they want to be.

I don't always want to be the bad guy.

You're right, you're right. And I love being the good guy,

but not nearly as much as I love you.

Really?

Yeah.

Just to be clear-- the fact that you're willing

to take the heat is not enough. You actually have to do it.

Aw, damn it.

I don't know what you're so upset about.

You were more than welcome to join us.

Phil has this amazing espresso maker.

Just stop! I don't want to know.

I don't want to know a single detail about Phil.

PHIL: Well, that's pretty hurtful.

No, it's just,

I don't want to see behind the curtain.

I mean, for years, I've been able to have these

fantastic intimate personal conversations

with someone I could never have had if I had

to look them in the eye, okay?

I mean, think about it-- if we ran

into each other in the street, we'd never know it.

Yeah, but I don't go out in the street.

Exactly.

Oh, so let me see if I've got this right.

My crippling psychological disability is the key

to your emotional freedom.

Evidently.

And you're incapable of opening up

to anyone that you see as a person.

Precisely.

Wait.

(phone rings) Where are my pants?

Why does she keep washing my pants? Hello?

Hey, man, I don't know what you're up to right now,

but I just got this really killer old school

play-it plug-in.

Really? No way! Yeah, way.

Here's what I'm gonna need you to do.

I need you to open those French doors

and play something really loud.

You want me to play something loud? But you told me...

(whispers): Just do it. I'll be over in five.

Hey. Here you go.

(guitar wailing)

Are you kidding me?!

I thought you handled it.

You know what? I think this guy just needs a refresher course.

And, uh, when I'm done shutting him up,

I'm gonna go pick up some more fabric softener

because you're out.

You noticed.

I noticed because I care.

I love you. I love you, too.

So it was Callie who found your dog.

Actually, I wanted to go to the movies.

You know, do I love dogs?

Yes, of course.

But I was probably gonna tie it to a pole.

There's really no way to know.

All right, bring us home, sweetie.

Callie is the real hero here, you know?

Although she did get rid of your bread.

But let's be real-- it was too much bread.

Magda, Magdalena, part of being a hero is just

telling the truth sometimes, you know?

I don't know what you were working through

when you made all that bread.

You are nice couple.

No more bread.

Oh, thank God.

Um, so we're good?

We're good. Okay.

I don't want to make trouble for you and your wife.

Oh, no, we're not married. We just live together.

Come, Mishka.

I think she just cursed us.

What have you done?

I feel dizzy.

Yeah, it's the touch of the gypsy.

CALLIE: My small body cannot hide my independent spirit.

I am a strong, powerful woman.

I don't need makeup to be sexy. (screams)

Magda, I hate you!

It's your turn to talk to her.

Phil, are you there?

I know it's been a few days since we spoke.

I guess I always take it for granted that, you know,

you'd be there whenever I needed you.

And-and that's wrong.

I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me.

(Carl barks)

And Carl misses you, too.

Okay, I know that face.

You're ready for nap time.

(guitar wailing)

Oh! You kidding me?! Mike!

Mike! Where's your father?

Hey, are you sure it's okay

with your wife we're playing this loud?!

It's fine. She's not gonna be home for another 20 minutes.

Yeah!

God, it feels good! Wow!

The 3-D glasses don't fit over my glasses

or under them, you know?

So what am I supposed to do?

Seriously? Again?

Oh, come on.

I'd run away, too, if I lived with that witch.

(baby-talk): Yes, I would run away!

We should probably call Magda, huh?

You know what?

I think you should call Magda.

I mean, I'm happy to do it.

I'm just saying you deserve

some credit in that account of yours.

That's very thoughtful.

Well, I'm a very nice guy.

You are. And very modest.

Isn't that right, Mishka?

You know what I'm talking about, bud.

Huh, big guy? You're the best.

Hey, Magda, it's Callie.

Yeah, the bread-wasting whore, right.

Look, we have your dog.

And if you ever want to see him again,

you will stop messing with us right now.

You know what I'm talking about.

The shower? If you don't stop immediately,

I swear to God I'm gonna sell the dog to the circus.

She's kidding.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

(brightly): Okay, have a good day!

Wow. I mean that's amazing. You are hardcore.

I totally thought she was gonna call your bluff.

Who said I was bluffing?

This guy's coming with us.

(chuckles) Okay. Yeah, we should get married right away.

That way I can't be forced

to testify against you in court, huh?

(guitars playing rock)

(siren blips)

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you.

It's been going on for weeks.

We'll take it from here.

Thank you.

Police department! Open up!

(knocking)

What's going on?

Oh, no. Hey, can I help you officers?

You smell what I smell?

There's nothing to smell.

Sir, I'm gonna need you to step outside.

Further? Yes, further.

Further outside.

Hey, is the pizza guy here?

Oh, hey... Michael?

Lisa, Tommy. Uh, we were just...

Ugh!

We were talking and battling and...

I was undercover, baby.

She's cute, right?

Yeah, that's my wife.

Oh.

PHIL: Ooh, I know a good Shiraz when I hear it.

It goes great with the gypsy bread.

I bet it does. Thanks for bringing that up, by the way.

It's actually a really funny story about that bread.

I'd love to hear it, pal.

Cheers, mate.

L'Chaim.

L'Chaim.

It's a little more guttural than that.

L'Chaim!

Yeah, we'll work on it.

Yeah.

(horns blaring)

Dude, you're a really good lawyer.

I can't believe that you convinced them that

that smell was my plug-in air freshener.

Okay, all right, this thing with him, the playing music,

I don't mind that, but no more lies.

She seems reasonable.

Got it, Chase. Thanks.

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