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1
00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:08,814
So, it's, uh, it's been a month.
2
00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:09,776
How's living together?
3
00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,353
Oh, it's great.
4
00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:14,076
Hi.
5
00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:16,918
Except, um...
Oh, here we go.
6
00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,394
No, it's just that Callie's
calling me now
7
00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:19,552
every morning
during our commute.
8
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:20,620
Ooh...
9
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:21,888
That's not what you want.
10
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:24,585
Hey, sweetie, guess how fast
I'm going!
11
00:00:24,658 --> 00:00:26,158
12 miles an hour!
12
00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:28,127
I didn't let you guess.
(groans)
13
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:29,496
ADAM:
I need my car time.
14
00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:30,703
Is that wrong?
15
00:00:30,764 --> 00:00:32,874
No, no. I got an 18-month-old
with molars coming in.
16
00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:35,543
You're not gonna sell me
on car time.
17
00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:37,873
I was sitting in the bathroom
and I saw, like, this 20-pack
18
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:41,478
of Charmin, and I was, like,
"Oh, God, Adam and I are gonna be together
19
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:42,782
through all that
toilet paper."
20
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,713
You think too much.
21
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:48,619
Look, the thing is, my morning
commute is my time to chillax.
22
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:49,782
Chillax?
Yeah, I know.
23
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:52,020
I regretted that the moment
I said it, but my point is,
24
00:00:52,086 --> 00:00:54,116
she's awesome,
but before 10:00 a.m.
25
00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,858
Callie is not at the top
of her game.
26
00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:57,563
Hey, sweetie, I'm stopped.
27
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,155
(horns blaring)
28
00:00:59,227 --> 00:01:00,757
Zero miles an hour.
29
00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:03,058
So just tell her
you don't want to talk to her.
30
00:01:03,131 --> 00:01:04,501
Okay, I don't know
what the rules are
31
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,065
where you come from,
but here on Earth,
32
00:01:06,134 --> 00:01:07,204
if you tell that
to your girlfriend,
33
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,038
she's just gonna run you
over with her car.
34
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:10,803
Listen, as a husband
and a lawyer,
35
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:13,311
I'm gonna advise you
to nip this thing in the bud
36
00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:14,344
before it becomes a precedent.
37
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:15,478
I'm actually dealing
with this now
38
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:16,743
with that girl
I'm seeing.
39
00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:17,610
Yeah, right, Natasha.
40
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:19,278
I thought you were
gonna bring her.
41
00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:20,707
I had to slow things
down a bit.
42
00:01:20,781 --> 00:01:22,251
I have a strict
"no leave behind" policy,
43
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:23,516
and this girl's
breaking the rule
44
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,494
every chance
she gets. Oh, that's not good.
45
00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,993
Bye.
Bye.
46
00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:29,685
Bye.
Bye.
47
00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,300
Lip gloss. Bye-bye.
48
00:01:37,565 --> 00:01:39,765
Ah, scrunchies.
49
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:42,573
* And sometimes you get more
than you need... *
50
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,136
Good catch, Carl.
51
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:45,365
I do it for the ladies.
52
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,409
Otherwise, when we break up,
they come over
53
00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:49,205
to pick up their scrunchies
and their lady products.
54
00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:50,507
It's embarrassing for them.
55
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:52,948
And honestly, it sends Carl
mixed messages.
56
00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:53,913
(Carl groans)
57
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:56,081
I know, little man.
58
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,720
Wow.
59
00:01:57,785 --> 00:02:00,245
What?
Okay, gentlemen, play it cool, play it cool.
60
00:02:00,321 --> 00:02:01,261
Talk to me.
ADAM: Where is she?
61
00:02:01,322 --> 00:02:02,592
ETHAN:
Halter, 11:00.
62
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:03,356
I'm going in, okay?
63
00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,164
So just cover me, okay?
64
00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:06,886
Don't stare.
It gets creepy.
65
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,930
Oh, wow, there is something very
special going on over there.
66
00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:13,268
Okay, just tell me
what's happening. You have to be my eyes.
67
00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:15,604
Oh, she is coming over.
I will take it from here.
68
00:02:15,669 --> 00:02:17,839
Boys, for the next 30 minutes
I am Sting's nephew. What?
69
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,005
Hey, there.
70
00:02:19,072 --> 00:02:20,112
Hello, it's
a pleasure to...
71
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:20,914
You're Mike Reilly, right?
72
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:21,984
Uh, uh, yeah,
73
00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:23,312
I'm technically, I'm Michael.
74
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:25,447
I'm Michelle.
My friends call me "Mike."
75
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:26,813
Hi, Michael.
Hey, Michael.
76
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,450
Anyway, I heard that
you've tried some cases
77
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:31,617
in front of Judge Loncar.
78
00:02:31,685 --> 00:02:33,815
Guilty. Actually,
not guilty.
79
00:02:33,887 --> 00:02:36,617
Actually, I won that case.
I'm a litigator.
80
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:38,630
Well, I'm trying a case in front
of him next week,
81
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,562
and I would love it
if we could get together.
82
00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:42,658
I could maybe pick your brain.
Could I get your number?
83
00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:43,860
(snickers)
84
00:02:43,931 --> 00:02:46,101
This is my wife Lisa.
85
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,636
Hey, nice to meet you.
You, too.
86
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,501
We're married...
to each other.
87
00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,910
So can I get
your number?
88
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:53,572
That's my wife.
89
00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:56,011
I mean, I don't
have a pen.
90
00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:57,946
Uh, shoot, neither do I.
91
00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,651
Oh, wait. Lucky.
There you go.
92
00:03:00,714 --> 00:03:02,254
Perfect.
Perfect.
93
00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:03,616
Wow.
This is actually better
94
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,824
than her
talking to me. Yeah.
95
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:18,228
What's this? Oh!
No, thank you.
96
00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:19,729
Not interested.
97
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,802
Why are you throwing away
Michelle's number?
98
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:26,070
Because one of the secrets
of our happy marriage is
99
00:03:26,139 --> 00:03:27,639
that I have stopped dating.
100
00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:28,878
Boop!
101
00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:31,082
Okay, you are unbelievable.
102
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:32,554
That is exactly the type
103
00:03:32,613 --> 00:03:34,723
of glass ceiling crap
women in business
104
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:35,882
have to put up with.
105
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:37,889
She's a colleague, Mike.
106
00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,951
Lisa, the passing
of the phone number is done
107
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,990
for one purpose and one purpose
alone: the boo-tay.
108
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,826
Okay, first of all,
when she gave you her number,
109
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:46,933
you were wearing a baby.
110
00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,034
She got daddy issues.
111
00:03:48,095 --> 00:03:49,255
Oh, God.
Most of 'em do.
112
00:03:49,330 --> 00:03:52,200
What? Look, I'm just saying
your man,
113
00:03:52,266 --> 00:03:53,966
he can still pull the digits.
114
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:56,074
Dig it.
Come on, Mike, it's you.
115
00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,566
What's that supposed to mean?
116
00:03:57,638 --> 00:04:01,378
It means that nothing about her
that is a woman is identifying
117
00:04:01,442 --> 00:04:03,682
with anything about you
that is a man.
118
00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,014
What's that supposed to mean?
119
00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:06,248
It means get over yourself.
120
00:04:06,314 --> 00:04:07,924
She's a colleague.
121
00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:10,651
She's asking you
for a professional favor,
122
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:13,048
and you are gonna
have lunch with her.
123
00:04:13,120 --> 00:04:15,120
Boop!
124
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:18,028
Can't do the "boop" thing.
125
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:19,461
It's mine.
126
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,859
DEEJAY:
It's Guilty Pleasures Thursday,
127
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,870
and coming up next,
ten in a row from the '80s.
128
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,173
Oh, yes!
129
00:04:27,234 --> 00:04:29,004
Let's get some wattage
in this cottage.
130
00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,169
(phone rings)
131
00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:31,737
(rock playing)
132
00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,465
Oh, really? Hi.
133
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,881
Hey, it happened again;
three days in a row.
134
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:38,583
8:37, and I'm about to go
under the Dan Ryan bridge.
135
00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:40,406
It's almost like you're leaving
from the same place
136
00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:41,881
at the same time each day.
137
00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:44,949
Hey, they opened a pet store
next to that café on Main.
138
00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:47,958
* Get your coffee
and your dog food, da-da, da! *
139
00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,921
* They probably don't have
goldfish. *
140
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,331
(phone rings)
141
00:04:52,393 --> 00:04:53,963
Oh, you know what, sweetie?
Mike's calling me.
142
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:56,057
It's got to be important,
so I'm just gonna...
143
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,199
Oh, it's cool. I'll hold.
144
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:58,704
Okay.
145
00:04:58,766 --> 00:05:00,766
Oh, my God, it's brutal, man.
146
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:03,104
Not only is she doing
her annoying play-by-play,
147
00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,740
but now she's, like, added
her own soundtrack to it.
148
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:08,306
It's just... What you need to do
is hijack an 18-wheeler
149
00:05:08,376 --> 00:05:10,206
and just drive it in
my face right now.
150
00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:13,007
CALLIE:
Still me.
151
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,020
Uh...
152
00:05:23,591 --> 00:05:26,991
Eth, have you seen
my toothbrush?
153
00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,130
No.
154
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,296
Are you sure
you left it here?
155
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:34,295
Yeah. I knew I was coming over
tonight.
156
00:05:34,368 --> 00:05:37,568
Hmm. Hmm.
157
00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:41,068
Well, that is just
the strangest thing.
158
00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:43,081
Hmm.
159
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:46,453
Oh, here it is.
160
00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:49,224
It was right on the sink
where I left it.
161
00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:50,622
Right next to my lipstick.
162
00:05:50,684 --> 00:05:52,794
We must have missed it.
163
00:05:55,456 --> 00:05:58,886
Yes, we must have.
164
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:03,429
I'll just put it in here
right next to yours.
165
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:06,067
Splendid.
166
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,873
ADAM:
This is bad, man, this is really, really bad.
167
00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:09,395
She's never hung up
on me before.
168
00:06:09,470 --> 00:06:11,610
Okay, relax, you screwed up.
169
00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:12,842
Pretty bad. Not gonna lie.
170
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:15,706
But I got a guy.
You got a guy? A guy for what?
171
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,206
Call my buddy Anton
at Segal's Flowers,
172
00:06:17,277 --> 00:06:18,347
he'll hook you up.
173
00:06:18,412 --> 00:06:20,382
But you do not talk to
or see Callie
174
00:06:20,448 --> 00:06:21,418
until those flowers are
delivered.
175
00:06:21,482 --> 00:06:22,882
I don't know, man.
176
00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,620
Hey, his specialty is
apology flowers.
177
00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:26,745
You want to fix this thing?
Listen to me!
178
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,220
All right, I'm listening. What?
179
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:29,358
When Tommy was born,
180
00:06:29,423 --> 00:06:30,793
I was a little sleep-deprived
181
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,388
and I accidentally said to Lisa,
182
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:34,700
"Hey, I love having a son,
just not quite sure
183
00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,402
I love having you as a mother."
184
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:39,274
(laughs)
Hey, it's not funny.
185
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:41,672
Sorry. How are you
still married?
186
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,035
I'm married because I'm friends
with Anton.
187
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:45,313
You just call him and ask
for the Bastard Bouquet.
188
00:06:45,372 --> 00:06:46,912
How much is that
gonna set me back?
189
00:06:46,974 --> 00:06:48,914
I don't know.
Lisa pays the bills.
190
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:50,976
Hey, you.
191
00:06:51,044 --> 00:06:52,254
MIKE:
Oh.
192
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:53,582
Honey, you
might not want
193
00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:55,617
to wear your favorite shirt
to music class.
194
00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:58,353
Oh, I'd love to, but I'm not
gonna be able to do that today.
195
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,648
I got this thing I got to do.
196
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,320
Whoa. I thought we agreed
197
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:02,658
that these classes were good
for Tommy,
198
00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,063
and we would suffer
through them together.
199
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,134
I know, I know.
200
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,232
Unfortunately, that lunch
201
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,803
you made me go on with Michelle
202
00:07:08,862 --> 00:07:10,862
could only happen today.
Oh, no.
203
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,801
Oh, you totally did that
on purpose.
204
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:13,896
Did what on purpose,
follow my wife's instructions?
205
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,697
You bet I did.
Hey, quick question for you:
206
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:16,839
what about the shirt?
207
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:18,314
Um, thinking
about popping the collar.
208
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:19,711
People doing that these days?
209
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,073
'Cause I feel
like I want to do it.
210
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:22,741
Yeah, you should do it.
That way, everyone
211
00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:23,910
will know
you're a douche.
212
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,547
Okay, perfect. All right,
love you, babe.
213
00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:28,354
You guys have fun
at music class.
214
00:07:28,415 --> 00:07:30,175
Get a headache for me!
215
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,920
Love you. Bye.
216
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,186
(door closes)
217
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:37,594
I don't know. I mean, it's just
some toiletries, right?
218
00:07:37,658 --> 00:07:38,958
Do you think
I'm being paranoid?
219
00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,426
No, I don't.
She's definitely trying to move in.
220
00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,204
By the time Callie
and I hit six months,
221
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:44,502
everything that didn't take
two men to move was
222
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:45,565
already in my apartment.
223
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:46,733
You see, I need to do something.
224
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,070
I don't want
to break up with her.
225
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,765
I just want to break up
with her stuff.
226
00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,167
I mean, this girl is amazing.
227
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,208
But this toothbrush thing...
228
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:53,612
And you're sure?
229
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:55,544
You never even
saw it appear?
230
00:07:55,609 --> 00:07:57,409
No, toothbrush out of thin air.
231
00:07:57,477 --> 00:08:01,147
Hmm. You think she keistered it?
232
00:08:01,214 --> 00:08:02,684
That's what
I would do. The toothbrush?
233
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,994
Maybe.
234
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:07,193
This girl's great.
235
00:08:07,254 --> 00:08:08,694
Wow.
Yeah.
236
00:08:08,756 --> 00:08:10,786
Yeah, well, the thing you got to
know about Judge Loncar is,
237
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:12,628
you know, his bark is much
worse than his bite,
238
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:13,863
so, you know,
if he barks at you,
239
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,297
you got to just bark right back.
He respects that.
240
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:17,803
Got it. Give him
a brushback pitch.
241
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,495
A little chin music.
What?
242
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:22,167
Sorry, sorry. Baseball analogy.
I don't know
243
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:23,595
if you know baseball.
244
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,641
Yeah! Yeah, no,
I-I-I know baseball, yeah.
245
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:26,666
I actually played college.
246
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:28,340
D-1, no big deal.
You know, whatever.
247
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:29,608
They wrote an article about me.
248
00:08:29,677 --> 00:08:31,207
It's online.
You can check it out.
249
00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:33,348
Come on! D-1?
That's so cool.
250
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:36,823
No, it's cool.
It's just who I am.
251
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:40,724
Really? Is that why you ordered
a salad for lunch, princess?
252
00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:45,760
Really? Princess?
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
253
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:47,386
Oh, okay, we'll see about that.
254
00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:49,060
Uh, Stephanie!
Yeah?
255
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:51,529
Can we get a couple
of shots over here? Sure.
256
00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:52,769
What are you drinking?
257
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,503
He's gonna have a lemon drop,
258
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:56,138
and I would like a shot
of Patrón,
259
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:58,873
and also we're gonna need
a crown for the Salad Queen.
260
00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:01,909
Okay.
Thanks. Awesome, yeah.
261
00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,975
* Hello, it's Mr. Cloud... *
262
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:04,914
Sorry.
263
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:07,108
* Sun shines bright... *
264
00:09:07,180 --> 00:09:08,980
No!
Back at, like, the height of
265
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,849
Like when he got the DUI?!
Yeah.
266
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,718
No! Oh, come on!
Yep, yep.
267
00:09:12,786 --> 00:09:14,486
More? I'm not even...
Yes, more shots.
268
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:15,594
I'm gonna finish this one.
269
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,656
To Judge Loncar!
Loncar!
270
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,529
(crying)
* Knock, knock, hello *
271
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,804
* It's Mr. Cloud *
272
00:09:22,863 --> 00:09:25,033
* Sun shines bright... *
273
00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,568
(dings)
Oh, yes!
274
00:09:27,635 --> 00:09:30,995
(both yelling)
275
00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,471
Ah, yeah! Oh!
276
00:09:32,539 --> 00:09:33,539
Are you okay?
277
00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,177
Yeah, I'm okay.
Sorry about that.
278
00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:40,749
Well, I had
a lovely time.
279
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:43,484
Well, we could go
back to your place.
280
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:45,650
Uh, yeah, I'd love to.
I'd love to,
281
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:47,319
but unfortunately,
I have to work
282
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:48,517
a double shift and...
283
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,918
I mean, we could...
Oh, no.
284
00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:53,131
No, you're never gonna
go for it.
285
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:54,033
What?
286
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:57,134
Well, I don't know,
but-- okay, well,
287
00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:00,227
until I get a call,
I mean, there's no reason
288
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,500
why we couldn't have
a little fun in the...
289
00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:03,699
(alarm chirps)
290
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:06,111
Do you want to go
in the back door?
291
00:10:07,407 --> 00:10:08,577
Of the ambulance.
292
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,442
Did you think that I...?
No.
293
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:11,810
So this is
your big plan.
294
00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:12,979
You're gonna
quarantine
295
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:15,046
your entire relationship
to the ambulance?
296
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:16,975
Hey, you know, I freely admit
the plan won't last forever,
297
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:18,050
but then neither do
my relationships.
298
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,388
And where are
your gym clothes?
299
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,592
Look, I haven't
been home yet
300
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:21,924
because Anton is taking
a long time
301
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:23,319
to get the white
calla lilies.
302
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,990
They have to be calla lilies?
Oh, absolutely.
303
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:27,729
Ah, look, Michelle
just texted me.
304
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:30,895
God, she's hilarious.
I'm texting her back. "LOL."
305
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:31,904
Wait. Let me see this.
306
00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,525
"LOL"? Using emoticons?
307
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,101
What is happening?
Huh?
308
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:38,169
Are you trying to sleep
with this girl? What? No!
309
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:39,708
You think she's trying
to sleep with you?
310
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:41,313
It's not about that!
311
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:45,414
I don't want to have sex with...
I'm married! Hello?
312
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,548
Do you think she wants to?
313
00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:47,723
(Ethan and Adam laughing)
314
00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:48,951
ADAM:
Yeah, absolutely.
315
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,246
I think she wants to get
all up in that business.
316
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:53,018
You know, I don't want
to sleep with her,
317
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,716
so, okay, whatever.
God, you guys are lame.
318
00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:56,788
Yeah, but in a vacuum,
you would do it.
319
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,287
Yeah, in a vacuum. I...
320
00:10:58,358 --> 00:11:00,328
Yeah, I mean, I'd do
almost anything in a vacuum.
321
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:01,493
My whole life
is a vacuum.
322
00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:02,561
Look,
the point is,
323
00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:03,959
is that Michelle's cool.
324
00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:05,401
We have things in common.
325
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:08,235
And she's not Lisa's friend
or Lisa's sister.
326
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:09,771
Or Lisa's other sister.
327
00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:11,037
She's mine. She's all mine.
328
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,414
She's my little girl buddy.
329
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,372
ETHAN: All right, well,
if she's just a friend,
330
00:11:14,441 --> 00:11:16,481
what are you getting from her
that you're not getting from us?
331
00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:17,613
Hmm?
A lot of looks
332
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,477
from jealous guys--
tell you that much.
333
00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:21,376
(yells)
334
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,220
I'm sure she wants a piece
of that action.
335
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:25,324
Oh, yeah.
Sexy.
336
00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:27,045
Bad at basketball.
337
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:30,616
(kissing)
338
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:31,760
You really like them?
339
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:33,385
I love them.
340
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:35,230
There's not too many of them?
341
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:37,125
(chuckles) Right.
342
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,767
Listen, about earlier...
Oh, you don't have
343
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:39,732
to say anything.
No, no, no.
344
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:41,000
I... I want to.
345
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:42,438
I just got a little crazy.
346
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:43,772
Okay, you got
a little crazy.
347
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,607
You said some stupid stuff.
You know, it's just
348
00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:46,942
that since we've
moved in together, I...
349
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:49,177
my car time
is the only free time I have.
350
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:50,912
What?
No. No.
351
00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:53,778
Uh, what I mean is that it's
the only time I have
352
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,477
that's just purely enjoyable.
353
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,578
Excuse me?
354
00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,549
(sighs)
355
00:11:58,618 --> 00:11:59,888
Oh, did you read this card
356
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,323
that I...
that...
357
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,026
Oh, I hope we don't get
that friendly waiter.
358
00:12:05,092 --> 00:12:06,132
I hate that guy.
Oh, Dwayne?
359
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:07,633
Oh, how do we
know his name?
360
00:12:07,694 --> 00:12:08,804
Because he's all like,
"Hey, I'm..."
361
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:10,132
Honey, did you get
a voice mail?
362
00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:11,797
Did I? I didn't
even hear it ring.
363
00:12:11,865 --> 00:12:13,495
I hope it's
not the sitter.
364
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:14,796
MICHELLE:
Hey. It's me.
365
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,038
Thanks again for the other day.
366
00:12:16,103 --> 00:12:18,413
I mean, honestly, I have to say,
367
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,141
that was the most fun I've had
in, like, my whole life.
368
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:24,478
That sangria was like
a big fruit party in my mouth.
369
00:12:24,544 --> 00:12:25,754
Oh, and FYI, next time
370
00:12:25,813 --> 00:12:27,613
we get together,
keep your hands off my balls!
371
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:28,850
(beep, message cuts out)
372
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:30,946
(clears throat)
373
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:35,493
Basketballs.
374
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:40,028
I didn't say
that I have no freedom.
375
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,393
I said
that I don't have freedom.
376
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,101
Oh, well, I'm so sorry
if our relationship
377
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:44,503
makes you feel like a slave.
378
00:12:44,564 --> 00:12:46,434
A slave to your love.
379
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,239
Oh, give me a break.
380
00:12:48,301 --> 00:12:50,101
All right, look,
of course, I'm not a slave.
381
00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:52,040
I-I'm not... I...
but if I was a slave,
382
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,735
I would be one
of those happy slaves
383
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:55,207
who's thrilled to
be there, okay?
384
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,035
Like... no, like
a Roman slave, right?
385
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,480
Like a Roman slave?
Yeah, they were happy.
386
00:12:58,545 --> 00:13:00,445
Right? Look, if they were
to abolish slavery,
387
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:01,923
I would have been, like, looking
388
00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:04,022
to the other slaves and said,
like, "Uh, hey, fellas,
389
00:13:04,084 --> 00:13:06,194
"I think I'm just going
to stick around for a while,
390
00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:09,023
uh, for the baths
and the numerals."
391
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,264
Oh, man.
392
00:13:14,527 --> 00:13:16,927
"Hi. It's me.
Oh, Mike.
393
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,897
Fruit parties.
Hi. It's me."
394
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:19,966
Come on!
Listen. I'm your wife.
395
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,473
I'm the only "It's me"
in your life.
396
00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:23,304
Why are you
so mad at me?
397
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:24,470
Because I thought
that you were going
398
00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:26,367
to meet with her
to talk about that judge.
399
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:28,409
I didn't realize lunch would
come with a two-drink minimum.
400
00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:29,635
Whoa! Whoa!
401
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,439
Come on. Wait.
We went to lunch.
402
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:33,511
Yes.
I only did because you told me to.
403
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:34,920
(stammering)
404
00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:36,352
Technically, this is
sort of your fault.
405
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,116
Are you kidding me
right now? It is.
406
00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:39,615
I'm just saying.
Okay, stop it.
407
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,016
I just... this is what it is.
408
00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:42,888
I just didn't think
that you would have,
409
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,986
you know,
so much fun with her.
410
00:13:45,058 --> 00:13:46,188
Oh. Oh, really?
411
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,899
Or maybe you just
didn't think
412
00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:50,061
that she would have
so much fun with me.
413
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:52,801
(clicks tongue)
414
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:54,496
Checkmate.
415
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,267
(clucks tongue)
416
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:57,836
ETHAN (over phone):
Wait, you said that to Lisa?
417
00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,305
Oh, yeah.
I am totally in the zone.
418
00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:01,472
The first time in my marriage
I had the perfect comeback
419
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:03,381
and there was nothing
she could say about it.
420
00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,613
Well, you got to call Adam.
He should hear this. Already did.
421
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:08,548
What, you called him before me?
Hey, don't ruin my moment, okay?
422
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:09,845
Come on.
Are we doing this?
423
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,717
Uh, look, I got to go.
424
00:14:11,784 --> 00:14:12,894
All right. Bye.
425
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:14,523
Oh, he's back!
426
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:16,057
(yells, whoops)
427
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:28,096
By the way, I don't disagree.
428
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:33,009
Hey.
429
00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:34,983
Um... listen.
430
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,282
I... I just wanted
to apologize
431
00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:37,483
for my behavior
last night.
432
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:41,853
I'm listening.
433
00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:43,515
I got a little hotheaded.
434
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:45,253
The whole Michelle thing
caught me off guard,
435
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:47,188
but I shouldn't
have taken it out on you.
436
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:49,894
Mm-hmm.
You were just doing what I asked you to do.
437
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,317
I was just doing what
you asked me to do.
438
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,331
And she is just a colleague,
and I overreacted.
439
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,764
And you are so adorable when
you are admitting you're wrong.
440
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:58,169
Boop.
441
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,501
I just have one question
for you.
442
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,597
I'm open ears.
Do you want to be friends with her?
443
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,307
What's that?
444
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:07,012
Michelle-- do you want
to be friends with her?
445
00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:09,344
Can you define friends?
446
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:12,179
Someone who's not
just a colleague.
447
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:15,375
Someone who you want to see
because you enjoy their company.
448
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,218
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
449
00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,054
I know there's an answer
that you're looking for here,
450
00:15:19,119 --> 00:15:20,689
and if you just whisper it
in my ear,
451
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,793
I'd be happy to repeat it
to you louder. Mike.
452
00:15:22,855 --> 00:15:24,415
What?
The correct answer is the truth.
453
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,361
Come on.
I'm serious. I think we both know it's not.
454
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,256
Mike, come on. It's me.
Just tell me.
455
00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:29,798
Just tell me.
Okay. Fine.
456
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:33,172
Uh... if you want the truth,
uh, yeah.
457
00:15:33,233 --> 00:15:34,973
She's, um...
she's a pretty cool girl,
458
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:36,235
you know, and she's
good at the hoops,
459
00:15:36,303 --> 00:15:38,143
and she can hold her liquor
pretty well, and...
460
00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:40,005
I mean, yeah, look,
if it's okay with you,
461
00:15:40,073 --> 00:15:41,673
I would like to be friends
with her.
462
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,341
Okay.
Okay.
463
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:45,680
Then, we will be friends
with her.
464
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:48,175
Great. Wait. We?
465
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:54,252
Thanks.
That was really fun.
466
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,191
Yes, it was.
It was perfect.
467
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:01,827
Oh.
Oh!
468
00:16:01,894 --> 00:16:03,304
Whoops.
Nearly forgot this.
469
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,240
Hi. Have a good day at school.
470
00:16:11,571 --> 00:16:12,811
What?
471
00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:14,142
(siren whoops)
472
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,077
ETHAN (over P.A.):
I'll call you.
473
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,253
(engine starting)
474
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,281
MIKE: So, uh, how'd
the flowers go over?
475
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:21,677
The flowers were great.
476
00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,848
The problem was that I tried
to do a follow-up apology.
477
00:16:23,916 --> 00:16:25,116
What?
What are you talking about?
478
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,145
No, no, no, no, no, no.
The flowers are the apology.
479
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,020
You make the sale,
you get out of the room, son.
480
00:16:29,089 --> 00:16:30,389
No. I'm going to call her.
481
00:16:30,457 --> 00:16:31,917
I'm going to call her
during my commute, right?
482
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,261
And that'll show her
that I love her enough
483
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,526
to give up my free time.
484
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:38,025
Yeah. You should probably
say it just like that.
485
00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,198
(horns honking)
486
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:42,938
MAN:
Come on!
487
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:45,002
Should we move him to
the side of the road
488
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:46,412
so traffic can get by?
489
00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:48,683
(horns honking)
490
00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,311
(both laughing)
491
00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:52,547
Makes me laugh every time.
492
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,312
It's going to be
backed up for hours.
493
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:55,581
Want to take your tie off?
494
00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:57,248
You're not going to make it
to work today.
495
00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:58,387
(groaning)
No, stay with me.
496
00:16:58,451 --> 00:16:59,851
Stay with me. More...
yeah, oxygen.
497
00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:01,649
(speed-dialing)
498
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:03,761
(line ringing)
499
00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,395
(beep, Callie humming tune
over phone)
500
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:12,573
Callie's cell phone.
Damn it.
501
00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:17,772
(sighing)
502
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:26,047
20 cc's of epinephrine.
503
00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,623
20 cc's coming up.
504
00:17:28,681 --> 00:17:29,781
Damn, she's good.
505
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,051
(horns honking)
506
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:34,720
(phone ringing)
507
00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:36,157
(beep)
What?
508
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:37,423
ADAM:
It's 8:37.
509
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:38,960
Uh, are you under the bridge?
510
00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:40,325
I am.
511
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,163
Me, too.
Look to your right.
512
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:47,527
This is my Say Anything moment.
513
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:49,738
(crashing)
514
00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:51,342
Oh, my God! Are you okay?
515
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,540
Does that mean you're talking
to me again?
516
00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:59,180
Ooh. Mozzarella sticks.
Love it.
517
00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:01,106
Nice.
I thought we were trying to eat better.
518
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:02,581
No fried foods.
519
00:18:02,649 --> 00:18:03,919
Oh, you know what?
You're so right.
520
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,223
We should be eating better.
521
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:06,615
Let's just
get a salad. Okay.
522
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,216
Yeah. Salads are awesome.
MICHELLE: You know,
523
00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:10,689
Mike and I were already
having so much fun,
524
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:12,187
but having you here is,
like, this whole
525
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,589
added bonus.
Totally. Totally.
526
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:16,960
I am just so completely
comfortable with you guys.
527
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:18,499
Aw.
That is the sweetest thing.
528
00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:19,925
You.
529
00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:21,199
Wow.
530
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:23,568
I've never done this before,
but, um...
531
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:26,366
I'm just going to come right out
and say it.
532
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,839
Do you guys want
to have a three-way?
533
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,784
What?
What?
534
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,105
Come on! It could be fun.
535
00:18:34,181 --> 00:18:36,081
I mean, Mike and I
clearly have chemistry,
536
00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:37,619
and I'm just
going to own it.
537
00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,024
I like Asian girls.
538
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:40,585
Absolutely not.
539
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:42,363
Absolutely not.
540
00:18:42,422 --> 00:18:43,792
No.
541
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:44,956
What about just you and I?
542
00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:45,964
No.
Come on.
543
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:47,525
No.
Okay.
544
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:50,334
Well, if you change your mind...
545
00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:52,727
you have my number.
546
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,142
No.
547
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:06,982
You know, we don't
have to do this.
548
00:19:07,046 --> 00:19:08,946
No. No. We're here,
549
00:19:09,015 --> 00:19:10,915
and, you know,
the important thing
550
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:15,223
is for the three of us to...
get into it and... and have fun.
551
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:18,159
Okay.
552
00:19:20,527 --> 00:19:22,127
WOMAN:
* The sun shines bright *
553
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:23,395
* High and proud *
554
00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,403
* Knock, knock, hello *
555
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:27,695
* It's Mr. Cloud *
556
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,597
(Lisa joins in):
* Sun shines bright *
557
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:31,369
(Mike joins in):
* High and proud *
558
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,408
* Knock, knock, hello *
559
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,543
* It's Mr. Cloud *
560
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:39,208
* Shine, shine, shine *
561
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:41,779
* Shine, shine... *
562
00:19:45,985 --> 00:19:47,745
ADAM: Dude, if you didn't
actually have the threesome,
563
00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:49,060
then it doesn't count
as a threesome.
564
00:19:49,121 --> 00:19:51,361
Hey, I got the offer.
Have you ever gotten the offer?
565
00:19:51,424 --> 00:19:53,234
Yeah. No, I haven't.
ETHAN: You know what?
566
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:54,533
I'm going to allow it.
567
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:55,634
Mike, it counts.
Congratulations.
568
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:56,855
Yay!
569
00:19:56,929 --> 00:19:58,129
Welcome to the club.
570
00:19:58,197 --> 00:19:59,367
There. You got credit
for the threesome.
571
00:19:59,432 --> 00:20:00,872
Are you happy now?
572
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:02,273
Yes, I am.
Okay.
573
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:03,835
Thank you, Ethan.
574
00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:05,173
Call me anytime, love.
575
00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:06,668
(phone beeps)
576
00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:10,584
Technically,
we both got the offer.
577
00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:14,245
Yeah, technically.
578
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:16,384
Sort of.
579
00:20:16,434 --> 00:20:20,984
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