All language subtitles for The Real ONeals - 1×07

Kenny: The O'Neals had begun to
find the rhythm of our new life.

My father had embraced basement living

and mastered the art
of crock-pot cooking.

And my mom filled in the greens.

They worked together pretty well.

My mother had even
started referring to my sexuality

as "the situation,"

which is step 2 of the 94
steps of accepting your gay child.

Yep, things were looking
good, and then...

Agnes: I'm not tipping
you because I know

you're a millionaire
back in your own country.

Geez, who's the crazy racist?

Grandma.

Agnes: This is why I don't like cabs.

Allowing you to live in
our country is tip enough.

Grandma Agnes, mother of my mother.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh yo ♪

- A straight-up Catholic gangsta.
- [Rapping] ♪ We at war ♪

♪ Jesus walk ♪

♪ God, show me the way ♪

♪ Because the devil's tryna break me down ♪

- ♪ Jesus walk with me ♪
- ♪ the only thing that I pray ♪

♪ Is that my feet don't fail me now ♪

Get the God box! Get the God box!

We're pretty Catholic,

but we could never be Catholic
enough for Grandma.

Yeah. Pope swap.

Francis down. John Paul up.

Why doesn't your mom ever
call before she comes?

Because then we'd be ready.

- Jimmy, scatter these bibles around.
- Yep.

- What are you wearing?
- Grandma's Easter bonnet.

This hat made me 20 bucks
and change on her last visit.

Suck-up!

I'm not here to make friends.
I'm here to play the game.

- We need to talk.
- Right now?

- We're still married.
- In the eyes of the law?

- In the eyes of my mother.
- What?! You haven't told her?!

How do you tell the world's
most sinless Catholic,

"I've decided the Bible
was wrong about marriage

and I'm going straight to hell"?

Probably not like that.

Plus I'm not just getting a divorce.

I'm divorcing the only thing
she likes about me... you.

While my mother is here,
please just be my husband.

Hey, wait a second.

I've made a new life for
myself in the basement.

I grew a mustache. I eat with my hands.

I make decisions without
fear of criticism.

Pat, you grew a mustache.
You are not a pioneer.

Her visits only last two hours.

Please, just go along
with this. And no tickling.

- What? Old women love tickling.
- What?!

- ♪ Jesus walk ♪
- [Doorbell rings]

Oh! One more thing. You're not gay.

Mom! So good to see you!

♪ The only thing that I pray is
that my feet don't fail me now ♪

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Mom!

What are you doing?

I'm hugging you.

My goodness, Pat, that mustache.

You look like a young Alex Trebek.

Oh. [Laughs]

Well, I'll take
compliments for $200, Agnes.

[Chuckles]

Stop! Stop! Stop that!

[Both laugh]

Um, quick sidebar.

Um, why haven't you
told Grandma that I'm gay

and you're getting divorced?

Well, it hasn't come up.

We talk about powerball,

what kind of stone fruit is in season.

We don't have time for idle chitchat.

Mom, you cannot keep avoiding this.

She's here now. If you
don't tell her, I will.

Man, I really miss the days

when I could shove a
binky in your mouth.

Fine. I will do it. But
let me find the right time.

Fine.

Agnes: Shannon, here's $5.

I love that bonnet.

And I love all my grandchildren.

I thought I'd have more, but
when your mother was born,

she came out wearing
my uterus like a hat.

- [Chuckles]
- Just like my bonnet!

Oh! We almost both died.

But then we didn't.

But my perfect grandbabies make up

for some of what I
lost with your mother.

[Chuckles]

What should we do first?

Oh! Well, we could play
this really cool new game

where we all talk honestly about
what's happening in our lives.

That game sounds boring.

Come on. I want to show you
my new colander in the kitchen.

♪ ♪

[Laughs] I have gifts for you kids!

Shannon, I brought you a coloring book

from my Sunday school.

The theme is "sins."

You see, these two men are fornicating.

And I'll give you $2
for every page you color.

Getting paid to color? What?!

And, Kenny, I brought a jar
of my famous dill pickles.

Oh, I love your pickles, Grandma.

That's because they're thick.

They have to be long and thick and hard.

That's fine, Mom.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm okay with pickle talk.

And, Jimmy, my Bible study
group bought these clever puzzles

for all of our grandchildren.

We want to see who can solve it first.

Be first.

Neat! What is it?

It's a genius test.

You have to get rid of
all the pegs but one.

[Chuckles]

Uh...

Bam!

I'm a genius.

Oh.

I'll walk him through the
introductions, Grandma.

Kenny, sweetheart,

tell me what you've been up to lately.

Yeah, okay.

Um, well, I'd love to tell you
about it in detail, Grandma.

[Clears throat] You know how
I've always loved "Dreamgirls"?

We forgot to get cake!

Kenny, let's talk about
it in the dining room.

He always loved musicals.

Mom, you're stalling.

Trust me, it's better to
just rip the band-aid off.

You know that's not how I do it.

I massage the band-aid
with mineral oil.

And then while you
watch "Tom and Jerry,"

I slowly peel it back,
and then you get a cookie.

[Chuckles] No! No!

But it's not right. She's old.

She could die without knowing the truth.

I know you think you're
listing a con, but that's a pro.

Come on, you tell her your
thing, and I'll tell her mine.

All right, fine.

We'll tell her together,
but after dessert.

The sugar will make
her confused and docile.

[Gasps]

Run to the bakery and
get a lemon potato cake.

Lemon potato cake?

Yeah, it's a big Irish
thing. Potato cake.

You know, because the British kept

all the real cake for themselves.

Bastards.

- I know.
- [Groans]

Yeah.

This is when Jimmy went to state

and Kenny won the debate finals.

And here's Shannon.

She won first prize at
the science fair last year.

Such amazing kids.

They really take after you, Pat.

Oh, well, that's... Thank you.

But they also take after my wife,

who I'm still married
to on a continual basis.

Thank you, Pat...

Not only for the compliment
but for phrasing it

in such an odd and stilted way.

You know there's a scoop there.

Sorry.

Don't you dare apologize.

I love to see a man eat with his hands.

Oh.

Oh, look at him eat like a gorilla!

[Grunting]

[Both laugh]

Oh, good heavens, Pat.

- You know what?
- Hmm?

I've been wondering what to do

with my Bears season tickets when I die.

I was going to give
them to your cousin Gary,

but he's still living
with that Sikh girl.

You mean his wife?

Either way, he's out.

My dream was to give them to a son,

who I wasn't able to
have because of Eileen.

But it just occurred to me
that, Pat, you are my son.

Bears tickets?

I'll always be your son, Mama.

Ohh.

♪ ♪

[Sighs]

Damn it! I'm not a genius.

- I'm average. I'm average!
- Okay.

Okay, we're going to put this down.

Grandma knew exactly what she was doing

when she gave me the puzzle!

Ahh. Okay.

We have now been to five bakeries,

and no one has heard
of lemon potato cake.

Why would Mom send us for
something that doesn't exist?

She's ashamed because I
can't solve the puzzle!

She doesn't want
Grandma to know I'm gay!

Why would she be
ashamed of the puzzle thing?

No, you're right. It's the gay thing.

That makes... A lot more sense...

- A lot more sense.
- When you think about it.

And aunt Sally's out of the
will since she went Presbyterian.

- [Telephone ringing]
- Oh, my gosh.

Yello?

Kenny: Hey, Mom. Guess what.

There's no such
thing as lemon potato cake.

Are you sure? Why don't
you try a few more bakeries?

You were never gonna tell her.

I am saving us from her wrath.

I'm coming home,

and I'm coming out!

Stay away!

Go see one of those
long "Hobbit" movies.

No.

You know what?

Maybe Mom is afraid of Grandma,

but, uh, that ain't how
this eagle flies anymore.

This caged bird sings.

What are you doing, Kenny?

I'm trying to speak for a generation,

but it's... it's very hard.

- Drive!
- Yep.

All right, we've got 15
minutes to get my mother out of here.

Kenny's on his way home to
blab everything to Grandma.

Well, the father in me says

honesty is always the best policy,

but the Bears fan in me says

let's get her the hell out of here.

She's already criticized my housekeeping

and talked about her will.

Okay, so that leaves friends' illnesses

and filth on
television and she's gone, right?

Right.

Hey, Agnes, how's Carl
Pilton's psoriasis coming along?

Ohh. Did I not tell you?

He's dead.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We're
not gonna make it.

Um, cut through this alley!

Jimmy: Screw puzzles. I'm
a genius at driving.

"Madam Secretary" was a good show

until they started
dressing tea Leoni like a hooker.

[Chuckles] So true.

Thanks for dropping by, Mom.

I got the cake.

Grandma, I'm gay.

Mom, do you have anything that
you'd like to tell her?

Ohh.

[Body thuds]

Thank God.

Mom, you'll be comfortable in here.

Will these soft pillows take
away my grandson being gay

and ease my general disappointment

with this entire family?

Hopefully.

Have I died?

Because Shannon looks like an angel.

Thank you for the nightgown, Grandma.

I'll wear it until you feel better.

That's my girl.

Hi, Grandma.

I'm sorry that I laughed when you fell.

Yeah, and, yeah, I
didn't mean to bring on

one of your spells.

I'm not ready to speak to you.

Except to say that you've
ruined cake for me, and rainbows.

All right! Nighty-night, everybody.

Pat, let's you and I get into
our marital bed, like always.

Mm-hmm. Righty-oh, lover.

I cannot wait to cleave unto you.

[Door closes]

Good job, Kenny.

What? Me? You broke our pact.

I did not break our pact.

I lied to you when I
said there was a pact.

Well, then, you owe
me $23.50 for the cake

'cause it has seven rainbow layers,

and it's adorable.

Wait, you guys are gonna spend the night

in the same room together?

With Dad's mustache?

Yes, because Dad's
mustache is Mom's beard.

Wait, what? No.

It's just one night.

It's not the end of the world.

Well, let me tell you,

as someone who had a beard named Mimi,

that's gonna get itchy
and bitchy real quick.

- Excuse me?
- I get it, okay?

It stinks a little bit,

but it's just 'cause I
got some food caught in it,

and I can't find it.

Kenneth Christopher Sebastian O'Neal,

you are 16 years old.

Your frontal lobe is not developed yet.

I have more brain than you do.

And my brain knows what it's
like to be judged by that woman.

Well, I know that it's
better to be out than in.

And whatever that woman
throws at me, I can take it.

And I'm going to bed.

♪ ♪

You look like a Mormon's eighth wife.

I don't care. I made $124 today.

[Snorts]

[Sighs] So, how is this going to work?

It's not a big deal.

It's six hours, and
then my mother goes home.

What about next time when she visits?

What are we gonna do when
I live in a new place?

We'll worry about that then.

What if you've got a boyfriend?
What if I've got a girlfriend?

How am I gonna explain
spending the night...

A threesome... With my
ex-wife and a pillow?

All I'm saying is that
I think Kenny is right.

I mean, why don't you just tell her?

Kenny doesn't know what it's
like to have a difficult mother.

[Chuckles]

Eileen: No, the cab is for my mother,

and I don't really
know how to phrase this,

but if you could send your most, um...

Uh, patriotic driver.

- See you soon.
- So?

Good morning, Mom.

Your taxi's on the way.

I'll bet you're excited
to be heading home.

I am.

And, Kenny, I've decided I'm glad

you told me about being gay.

Wait. You are?

Yes.

Admitting you have a problem

is the first step towards fixing it.

Looks like she has a whole list.

Yeah, no, I'm not really sure

it's something that
you can fix, Grandma.

Well, that's just the thing. It is.

For example, whenever
you feel a gay impulse,

take a cold shower.

Mnh-mnh. I prefer baths.

So did the Romans, and we
know what happened to them.

Also, write with your
less dominant hand.

It'll fix that hinky wiring in
your brain that makes you gay.

You know, again, I'm not
really sure that's how it works.

Perhaps most helpful...

I'm gonna send you to this.

Um...

A gay conversion camp?

Oh, camp sounds fun.

The rest seems a little odd.

You'll spend two weeks in
the woods with other boys

that have the same affliction you do.

Hmm...

Mmm. These heterosexual
s'mores are delicious.

They're so messy. I
got some on my shirt.

- ♪ I can't believe ♪
- Oh, I spilled, too.

We better go wash off at the lake.

- Good idea.
- Meet you there!

[Cheers and laughter]

Mm. Two weeks in the woods
with a bunch of gay boys?

You're right.

I think that's probably the
best thing for me right now.

Uh, I think Kenny's gonna be
very busy this summer, Mom.

I don't think either of you is
taking this seriously enough.

All right. There's a cab
out front for you, Agnes.

How about one more
mustache kiss before you go?

I'm not going anywhere.

Eileen, you've let this
situation get out of control.

I'm staying here until
I save Kenny's soul

from eternal damnation.

What's the timeline
on something like that?

Could be weeks. Could be months.

It depends on how much sin
is hiding in this house.

Mom can't fake being
married for that long.

Mom, you can't stay here.

You didn't even bring any clothes.

Good one.

I'll wash out my turtleneck every night

and borrow some of your panties.

I'll take that mustache kiss now.

[Sighs]

- Mom?
- Look away!

Mom, what are you doing?

I'm eating gay cake on the toilet.

Mom, you have to tell Grandma the truth.

I have fought all my life

for just a little bit of
approval from that woman.

If I tell her now that
my marriage is a failure,

that will never happen.

You can do this, and I can help you.

I have successfully
come out three times.

And which time do you think
was the most successful?

When you outed yourself in
front of the entire parish?

When you gay-bashed yourself at school?

Or when you broke Grandma?

I had a better plan.

I was gonna soften you up by
cooking your favorite meal,

and then I was gonna
mention all the famous people

you love who are gay.

What? Who?

We don't need to do that right now.

George Clooney?

Don't tell me. I don't want to know.

Anyway, once I got you used to the idea

that you already loved gay people,

I was gonna tell you about me.

You think that would work for divorce?

Well, it's got to, because...

[Sighs]

This is not.

Oh, mother.

Is that sink ice cream?

Mom...

[Fingers snap] Drop it.

♪ ♪

When does she have the time?

Good. Shannon, you're here.

What stinks?

Mom's trying to soften up Grandma

by cooking her corned beef and cabbage.

Oh, good. I thought we got skunked.

Eileen, I'm so proud of you.

And I fully support you
telling your mom the truth.

I am, however, gonna
try and get Agnes to sign

this legal zoom document locking
down those Bears tickets first.

Totally get it.

And I will do everything I can to help.

Okay. This is how it's gonna go down.

Shannon, you get in there

and you give her that
completed coloring book.

Jimmy, show her that
you finished the puzzle.

Yeah, actually, Shannon
finished it for me.

Shannon: You can take the credit.

I'm already wearing her
purple corduroy overalls.

Mom, she's had three glasses of Sherry.

She's in there smiling at nothing.

Now, you get in there,

and you tell her how much you hate Dad.

That's right. Hey, don't sugarcoat it.

Let's go.

One, two, three.

All: Corned beef!

The scandal isn't that
she's black, Grandma.

It's just the name of the show.

Well, it's confusing.

So, uh, do you remember
when Joan and Ted Kennedy

got divorced?

Mm, the Kennedys. Saints.

Yes, but they got a divorce.

I think the pope
pardoned Ted on that one.

And Alex Trebek, by
the way. Also divorced.

So he could live with his mother.

[Chuckles] What are you getting at?

Why all this divorce talk?

Um...

I have something to tell you.

Before you do, I have
to tell you something.

Eileen, this corned beef is really good.

- But?
- No but.

You have made a lovely meal. Hmm.

♪ ♪

Oh, but I cut you off.

What were you saying?

This is your moment.

You softened her up. Do it, Mom. Do it.

I, um...

I was going to say...

That, um...

I have to get dessert.

Or... don't.

Am I eating the same thing as Grandma?

Yes.

What happened?

[Sighs]

All that woman ever talks about

are the two things I've
done wrong in my life.

The first was being born,

the second one was getting
pregnant out of wedlock.

I have been waiting my whole life

for the feeling I just got from
that corned-beef compliment.

And let me tell you something.

It's worth staying in the closet for.

And I'm not saying this to hurt you,

but the corned beef
really wasn't that good.

She's just drunk.

I don't care if she stays
drunk for the rest of her life.

I like her this way.

I guess she wasn't ready, but
it's not for me to judge.

Everyone has to come
out in their own time.

Oh, there it is.

Show me the pudding.

Oh, is that my favorite?

Bread-and-butter
pudding. It sure is.

Oh, Agnes. I thought
I was your favorite?

Oh, Pat, you're a rascal.

Well, Eileen, you have
really outdone yourself.

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Kenny helped with the dessert.

It looks a little dry.

Do you want some sauce, Grandma?

No, thank you.

You want somebody less
saucy to give you sauce?

I know you think I'm a silly old woman

and you've been mocking
me and my beliefs,

but even if you don't care what I think,

you should care about what God thinks.

I do.

No, you don't. God doesn't accept you.

He thinks you're broken, and I do, too.

I didn't think anything Grandma
said could upset me,

but I was wrong.

That's enough, Mom.

My son is not broken,

and if you want to talk about someone

who's not accepted by
God, you can talk about me.

Pat and I are getting a divorce.

That's right. And it's
not her fault, Agnes.

It was a mutual decision.

That's right.

So, you can say whatever
you want to say now, Mom.

Whoa.

Kenny: Are you choking?

Is this what we're doing?

We're letting God take out Grandma?

No!

[Choking]

Oh!

I told you it was dry.

♪ ♪

[Coughs]

Come on, everyone. We need
to get to church early.

We have a lot of work to do.

Let's get going. You
heard your grandmother.

I want this family in the front pew

so the holy spirit can
blast us right in the face.

Jimmy: Oh, in the splash zone.

Dad, why are we going to
church with this woman?

Bears tickets. Why are you doing it?

This is ridiculous.

Everybody is acting
like nothing happened.

It's classic Irish-Catholic denial.

It's the one thing they love

more than corned beef and cabbage.

[Chuckles]

No, it's not.

Oh, my God. I'm doing it.

I call back right!

At least Shannon, Jimmy, and
I can still take communion.

You sure can.

I hope the foreign
priest isn't leading mass.

I can barely understand a word he says.

Those New York accents
can be pretty crazy.

You missed the turn.

Nope. I didn't.

Why are we stopping at cousin Gary's?

I've decided that your visit's over

and it's time for you to
learn about Sikh culture.

They just celebrated Hola Mohalla.

You should ask him about it.

- Damn.
- Damn.

Whoa.

It's not Grandma Agnes

who's a straight-up Catholic gangsta.

It's my mom.

What?

I'm sorry, Mom.

I can handle your judgment
because I'm used to it.

But I just won't have you
doing that to my children.

You're not welcome back to our house

until you respect everyone in my family.

♪ ♪

Aren't you gonna help me out, Pat?

Uh, I'll take "no" for $400, Agnes.

You can forget about
those Bears tickets.

Well, then I'm gonna
shave off my mustache.

That's the most
disappointing thing of all.

[Sighs]

[Door slams]

[Door opens]

Hi, Agnes. Hello, welcome.

Ugh.

Nama... ow!

I did not see that coming, Mom.

Thank you.

Coming out is really terrifying.

You are very brave.

What should we do now?

Well...

I'd still like to go to church.

All right. Let's go to
church, take communion...

- [Engine starts]
- And burst into flames.

We should probably confess
we almost killed Grandma.

♪ ♪

- Mm. Ellen DeGeneres.
- I know that one. Who else?

Mm, that guy you love
on "The Good Wife."

- What?
- Yeah, also, he's Scottish.

What?!

You know, that was really cool the way

you outed yourself to Grandma.

Oh, I was so terrified.

Was it that scary for you?

No. But that's 'cause I have
a better mom than you do.

♪ ♪

Mm!

Your hairdresser, Timothy...

- Mm?
- Ironically straight.

I don't understand anything.

[Dog barking in distance]

Mmm.

Orange one's the best.

Mmm. They all taste the same to me.

Really?

Yeah. I mean, what's the point?

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