Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Felix?

Right in here, Oscar.

I've got something to tell you, baby.

What do you...

You got the napkins?

No, I forgot the napkins. Listen...

We use the napkins for the game.

Who cares about napkins?

Will you lis...

I care.

The guys are coming to play poker.

They can wipe their mouths on their money.

Listen.

You left your coat on the icebox?

Do you put your hat in the bread box?

I don't want to discuss my wardrobe.

I want to talk about girls.

Please take your coat off the icebox.

Remember those two sexy English girls that live upstairs,

the Dove sis... The Pigeons.

Pigeons! Are you ready?

We have a date with them.

No kidding.

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah!

Oh, I... I, I, I don't know.

Ah, come on, Felix.

Now, you promised we were gonna dedicate this whole month

to meeting new girls.

I know, I know.

I'd like to meet a nice girl,

but it-it-it's just so hard to date after...

Felix, we've been through all that.

I know it's hard after a divorce.

What are you supposed to do?

Sit around and get bitter?

No! You have to pursue every opportunity.

And I'm telling you, the Pigeon sisters

are two of the best-built opportunities in New York.

I know, but somehow I just keep...

Please don't sit there.

I just keep comparing everybody to Gloria.

Don't you compare everybody to your ex-wife?

Sure I do.

And compared to Blanche, everybody looks good.

Felix, they're crazy about us.

They think we're big shots in the building.

Yeah?

Yeah, they know you're a successful photographer.

They know I'm a big-time sportswriter.

The doorman told them.

That's very nice of Harry.

What nice?

I give him five bucks a month

to tell every girl in the building about us.

That's pushy. It's pushy.

Pushy is the way it's done, Felix.

It's custom.

All over world, man pursue woman.

Except on a few Polynesian islands

and a couple of bars in Greenwich village.

Will you stop cooking?

Tell me you're ready to attack these two girls?

Well... all right, I'm, I'm ready to attack it.

What do you mean by that?

Because I asked them to drop down tonight

for some drinks after work.

Tonight? Tonight's poker night.

Well, it's their only free night.

I've been cooking for the guys for the last 90 minutes.

Hey, give it to the girls.

It's poker food.

Who cares?

Oh, no, no, no, we can't,

we just can't cancel the game at this late hour.

The guys come directly from work.

That's the beauty of it.

We don't have to cancel the whole game.

We'll tell the guys we have some dates

and then we'll break up the game early.

See, the Pigeons aren't coming till 10:30.

No, we never quit before midnight,

you know that.

Every Thursday night for the past four years.

The guys lie to their wives.

They get baby-sitters, they sneak out of work early.

It's not a poker game anymore, it's a way of life.

Yeah, you're right, Felix.

Can't ask them to break up the game early.

Course not.

Have to trick them into breaking up the game early.

I wonder where Murray is.

He's probably not coming.

That's it, the game's off.

Are you crazy?

Does difference does it make how many guys we got?

You want bodies?

I'll grab two drunks off the street.

Now, come on, let's play.

How many want shredded coconut on their rumaki?

I came to play poker, he's having a luau.

Hurry up, will you, Felix?

We don't have all night.

You got my check, Roy?

Yes, but there isn't much left after your alimony payments.

As your accountant, I'm telling you

you absolutely must cut down on unnecessary expenses.

You're right, that's it, I can't play.

I'll lend you some money.

Thanks a lot.

Here's the rumaki. Murray, where have you been?

We were worried about you.

That's nice, somebody worrying about a cop.

Okay, sit down, Murray.

Shredded coconut on the side, fellas.

Help yourselves.

Deal with me standing up.

Felix, these guys are never gonna

break up the game voluntarily.

I hate to say I told you so...

Yeah, but we got to find an excuse

or I'm going to be sick.

Can I get you something?

No, I mean I'll pretend to be in pain.

Maybe they'll go home.

Will you sit down and start playing poker?

Fellas, use coasters and use your napkins.

That's all I ask.

Here we go.

Ante, ante, who's betting?

What are you doing, Murray?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

I open.

What do you do, Oscar?

Oscar's out. What do you, Roy?

What time is it?

Nine o'clock.

That's an hour and a half before 10:30!

Felix, when do they pick up the garbage for this building?

Tuesday morning.

Give them this hand.

And this one, too.

You always win, don't you?

Nature calls.

Murray, you're 38 years old, why don't you just say

you have to go to the bathroom?

Use the new guest soap.

I was right, there's a card missing.

Throw out the deck.

You can't play with 51 cards.

Where is it?

I don't know.

We don't have another deck.

We'll have to call the game off.

Ah, that's awful.

No-no-no.

I'm 60 bucks down. What card's missing?

Queen of hearts, I mean...

Here's a napkin, make a queen of hearts.

Are you crazy?!

No, let Felix do it.

He draws the best.

Here, Felix. Thank you.

How are you going to play with a napkin?

Everybody'll know it's the queen of hearts.

So? We'll all have the same advantages and disadvantages.

You ought to be able to afford more than one deck, Oscar.

Well, you're always telling me to cut down expenses.

Draw, Felix.

Oh, look what Felix is doing.

He's drawing

a picture of a queen's face

that looks like Grace Kelly.

She's royalty.

I always liked her in movies, she was neat.

I'd color the hearts in if you'd give me a red pencil.

Oh, give me the napkin! Here, deal, Oscar.

"Deal, Oscar."

How do you shuffle a napkin?

You don't shuffle it. You stuff it.

Now, deal!

I still think it's ridiculous.

What time is it?

Felix, that soap is nice.

Oh, "what time is it?"

Oscar, here's my watch. It's brand new, 130 bucks.

It's yours.

Just never ask me what time it is again.

Okay, come on, let's play cards, huh?

You're light, Murray.

What do you do? Pass.

Felix? Pass.

Speed? Out!

What do you have, Murray?

A napkin with a picture of Grace Kelly.

She's the queen of hearts.

I thought she was the Princess of Monaco.

She is.

Look, will you stop asking questions and play poker?

I went to the bathroom. I come back.

He dealt me a napkin with Grace Kelly's face.

Wouldn't you ask questions?

I'm out! Felix.

What are you complaining about?

You've got a pair of queens.

Oscar! I'll play the napkin.

I'm going to turn up the heat

and I'm gonna sweat them out of here.

They'll know what we're doing.

No, no, no, I'm gonna tell 'em that one of your allergies

is bothering you and you have to have it warm.

I would like it warmer.

Yeah, they know you're a hypochondriac.

They think I'm a hypochondriac?

Makes me sick.

Are you in, Cochise?

How.

What time is it, Vinnie?

I can't see. My watch is fogged up.

So are my glasses. I can't see the cards.

Are you sure you need it this warm for your sinuses?

They're killing me.

All right! Who put the olive pit on the queen of hearts?

Oh, pits, napkins, heat... Who cares?

Get the game rolling.

Bet!

Now he puts it on the table.

That's worse. That's disgusting.

Murray.

I can't.

My arm's stuck to the table.

I'm turning off the heat.

This is no longer an apartment, it's an incubator.

Roy, a man's health is at stake.

We got to think of Felix, don't we?

The right thing to do, fellas,

is call off the game, take back your ante.

All night long, you've been asking what time it is

and trying to call this game off.

What's with you?

Nothing is with me. I'm perfectly normal.

You're all complaining...

Aha, aha! That's probably the fire department right now.

No, it's the sisters.

What sisters?

Sister... Mary

and Sister Catherine.

They've got a church on the corner.

See, and I was going

to help them build a, b-ba, a...

Softball.

Softball league.

They're gonna come up and borrow all my sports books, see.

Fellas, it's only take a minute.

Would you wait in the kitchen?

It's very important.

It's sacrilegious to stay out here.

The sisters don't want to see...

What do I say?

You take them in the bedroom.

I'll try to get rid of the guys.

The bedroom?

Yes, it's the only way they won't see the guys.

Ladies!

Welcome to our humble abode.

Won't you step into the bedroom?

Oh.

Aren't we going to have

any drinks or anything?

You'll find out.

Girls, there's been a little mix-up.

It'll only take a second.

We'll get everything cleared up and we're gonna have...

Oh!

Are, are you girls nuns?

Well, hardly.

Eh, but we are nice girls.

I mean, we certainly didn't expect six men

at this party.

Party? What party?

Fellas, we've got a...

You did say

come down at 10:30.

I'd like to introduce you

to some very dear friends of ours.

This is Speed, Roy, Vinnie and Murray.

Hello. Hello.

Gwendolyn and Cecily

Pigeon.

Are you a mysterious Arab sheik?

No, I'm a hot Jewish cop.

Oh!

Listen, girls, I have to talk

to the guys in the kitchen for just a second

and everything will be straightened out.

Just one second...

Help yourselves to the rumaki.

Oh, thank you.

What's rumaki?

I don't know.

Nobody's breaking up our game.

There's a code among men: women come first.

That's the bachelor code.

The married code is

any night you get out, stay out.

Right, guys?

One night.

You saw the bodies on those girls.

This is an emergency.

Wait, wait, wait.

There's only one fair way to do this.

Let's take a vote.

Oh, no, I'm not voting either way.

I'm neutral, just like Switzerland.

You got all the money like Switzerland, too.

Vote with Felix and me, and I'll get you

tickets for the Super Bowl.

50-yard line?

I'll get you in the huddle, you hear?

We're taking a vote.

All those in favor of continuing the game say "aye".

Aye. Aye.

That's it? Neutral.

Three to two. That's it the game's over.

Aye.

I what?

I, I think

we should let them finish the game.

It's only fair.

We could take the girls someplace else

and then come back after they're finished.

That's it, we win.

Look, you guys come back at midnight, huh?

Come on, Switzerland.

All right, whose deal?

Want some rumaki?

Shut up.

Oscar, the guys love playing so much.

It isn't fair to throw them out.

It's their night.

You're mad.

Of course I'm mad.

I'm mad because I know you're right.

But, Felix, what are we gonna do?

There are two gorgeous girls out there.

I saw them.

Don't you think I'm a human being?

Keep going back and forth.

Why can't we take them someplace and come back later?

I promise you, I'll try to be a swinger.

Okay.

You take care of the cards.

I'll take care of the girls.

Girls, one of the poker players

has to go to the hospital tomorrow,

maybe for a long time.

And his last request is that he play a little longer.

Oh.

Oh, how sad.

Oh, I do hope he wins.

That's nice.

We can go out, then come back about midnight.

There's a little bar down at the corner...

How about a film?

I love double features with a cartoon.

I'm not much in the mood

for a movie.

You know what might be a good idea?

We could go down to the laundry room and do laundry.

Felix is a great kidder.

No, it's a good idea, I need some clean things.

Well, if you've got some time to kill,

it's a wonderful idea.

That's a wonderful idea?

Yes, sounds smashing.

Listen, we'll pop upstairs and get our things.

We'll meet you down there.

Ta-ta, ta-ta.

Laundry?

Hey, Oscar, where are you taking the girls?

Felix is taking them to do laundry.

What's Felix going to do?

Wash them before he touches them?

On me.

Oh, thank you.

We could save a quarter if we wash our white things together.

Oh, that sounds sexy.

We can dry them together.

Honestly.

Ho, ho, ho.

Santa Claus likes good little girls.

Mr. Madison's not so fussy.

Are all those things yours?

I have a lots more, but I didn't want to show off.

Do Oscar and I get to do our white things together, too?

Oscar doesn't have any white things.

Mad at me?

We did have an hour to kill.

No, Felix, I'm not mad.

This is the perfect place.

For what?

For a party.

In a dirty sock?

The alcohol kills the germs.

♪ Tiny bubbles in the wine... ♪

Oh, Felix.

You certainly have a strong grip.

Comes from years of squeezing

nose and throat sprays for his sinuses.

That's true.

♪ Tiny bubbles in the wine ♪

♪ And the feeling that I'm gonna love you ♪

♪ Till the end of time... ♪

Ooh.

Ooh. Look, Oscar, the ceiling needs painting.

Don't tell Felix.

All right.

♪ And mostly, here's a toast ♪

♪ To you and me ♪

♪ Tiny bubbles ♪

♪ In the wine ♪

Sort of pretty, isn't it?

Blue waves.

Mmm.

Hmm, reminds me of Hawaii.

Have you been there?

Oh, yes.

Did you love it?

I caught cold there.

Trade winds, you know.

♪ ...with a feeling that I'm going to love you ♪

♪ Till the end of time. ♪

Hello.

Oh, Cecily, it's another raid.

Don't give them your proper name.

It's Murray.

Hi, hi, hi.

I just came down to tell you

that we're all feeling pretty bad

about kicking you out of your place, so we took a new vote

and you can have your apartment back.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Nice.

Oh, Murray, that's great.

Come on, girls, the party's moving.

Let's go, let's go.

A good time to forget

about unpainted ceilings and dirty socks.

It's sweet of your friends to give you back your apartment.

They're really a great bunch of...

I just wanted to tell you I voted no.

Goodness. Is he always so angry?

Yeah, when he loses.

Last week, he ate a pair of sixes.

Okay, sit, sit, sit, sit.

Oscar, remember, we still have laundry down there in the dryer.

It's the uppermost thought in my mind.

And now, my little pigeons, it's time to coo.

We forget about poker. We forget about the laundry.

This is the time to finish our wine

and let our minds drift to thoughts of love.

If they don't drift fast enough,

we have some scotch here and some vodka

to help them along.

There you go, my darling, and here.

Felix, come sit on the couch, will you?

I've told the guys a hundred times, use their coasters.

Rings, rings, rings!

Here, let me help.

No, sit. There isn't that much to clean.

Felix!

If you have to clean, why don't you clean in the kitchen?

You know, the kitchen... It's in the other room.

Because the kitchen isn't dirty.

Well, I think they want to be alone.

Cecily, I love you.

Gwendolyn, where have you

been all my life?

Hmm.

Well, we lived in Brighton till I was 11

and then we moved to London.

Felix!

What are you doing?

There are ashes working their way into the nap of the carpet.

My fist is gonna work its way into the nap of your neck

if you don't stop cleaning!

Let me have a go.

I'll finish, I'll finish.

Thank you, Gwen.

You're welcome.

Well, Cecily's doing the dishes.

I finally have a minute to sit down.

Felix.

Come with me.

I want to talk to you.

Right now!

Gwen?

Nice job, Gwen.

Thank you.

Look at your room, Oscar.

Where'd you get all the laundry to do?

Everything you own is on the floor.

These are my summer clothes.

Sit down, Felix.

Where?

Under there somewhere's a chair.

Feel around!

I'll stand.

Would you do me a favor?

What?

For my birthday, let me clean up in here.

No.

At least let me empty this big ash...

That's my jewelry box!

I like my room the way it is.

In my room, you could eat off the floor.

You can eat off the floor in my room.

There's some crackers over there

and, and here's a half a tuna fish sandwich.

Why don't you eat it?

Felix, I didn't come here to discuss my room.

In the living room are two gorgeous girls.

Two female sexy animals.

And what are they doing?

They're cleaning and they're tidying up.

I could get a 60-year-old lady to do it

for two dollars an hour!

We'll be right with you, girls.

Take your time.

Felix, I've had it with you.

We're going to have it out once and for all.

For starters, stay out of my bathroom.

You know that fancy soap you hung on a rope in my shower?

With water in my eyes, I went to wash my neck,

I almost hung myself!

When I moved in here, your bathroom was filthy.

It would have been condemned by most gas stations.

I like filthy.

What I hate is you and your habits.

I cringe every time you empty your pockets.

You put your change in neat little piles.

I'm not crazy about the fact

you have shoe trees in your bedroom slippers.

And I'm not exactly choked up about the fact

that you hang your underwear on hangers.

Felix, I took you into my apartment

because I thought we could have some laughs.

But your idea of a fun evening

is defrosting the icebox.

Now you've ruined another evening

with your tidying and your cleaning and your fussying.

Are you finished?

I don't know.

How's it coming, girls?

Take your time!

Shall I proceed?

Go ahead.

It's true that you took me in here.

It's also true that when I came,

you were huddled in the kitchen

eating gray spaghetti with a pair of tweezers.

You think it's easy living with you?

Look around this room.

Looks like somebody blew up the Salvation Army.

Your closet is a slum.

Your clothes look as if they're wrestling.

You put out your cigarettes in your coffee.

Look at this.

There's a little baby logjam in there.

Did you ever look under your bed?

There's stuff growing under there.

You stop exaggerating.

That's a little dust.

Lawrence of Arabia couldn't make it through such dust.

I'm giving you fair warning.

If you don't let me clean up in here,

I'm going to pack my things and I'm leaving.

Now hear this!

Never mind my bedroom.

You better get out in the living room.

Because I swear, Felix, if one of those girls

isn't hugging and kissing me passionately

in the next five minutes,

I'm throwing you out!

Well, everything's settled, girls.

Why don't you grab one of them

and hug and kiss her passionately?

You've only got four and a half minutes left.

It's a figure of speech, Felix.

It's a very sweet idea, Felix,

but I really think we ought to be going.

Listen, the party's just starting.

No, well, we're a bit tired

because we did all the cleaning.

And we've got to pick up the laundry

and get up early in the morning.

Oscar, it's been a smashing evening.

And different.

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta, Felix.

Ta-ta!

Ta-ta.

Don't talk, Felix.

Just don't talk.

I'm serious, Felix!

The only word I want to hear out of you

from now on is "good-bye."

And that's the word you'll be saying tomorrow morning

when you and your belongings are going out the door.

I'm going to pack.

I'm a silly man.

Anybody who hangs his underwear on coat hangers is a silly man.

I belong in a slob hall of fame.

I've always been sloppy.

My mother says I used to throw my diapers all over the floor.

I'm a rotten person.

On my fifth birthday,

my mother asked me what I wanted.

I said a wastepaper basket.

I'll leave as soon as I finish this wine.

Felix, it's not your fault the girls left.

I'm too pushy.

I'd scare off Ma Barker.

No, you're not.

It's that I'm too shy.

In high school,

the only girl I ever asked to a dance

was my sister.

You're lucky you had a sister.

She was ten years old.

The only thing she enjoyed was the balloons.

Felix.

Felix...

maybe if we stay together,

we could help each other's problems.

Well, failed as husbands.

I certainly don't want to fail as a friend.

You're absolutely right.

Felix, we're staying together.

Oscar... tomorrow morning, before I go to work,

I'm going to get us fixed up with a couple of girls.

To us!

And the girls.

Hmm.

Watch me.

I can't...

Try it, Felix! Go ahead!

Good night, Felix.

Good night, Oscar.

Oh, Felix?

Yeah?

You can clean my room tomorrow.

God bless you, Oscar.