Original subtitles

Hey, Pop, what are these newspapers doing

all scattered all over the floor?

Uh, I shampooed the rug.

You did not.

You threw those papers on the floor

trying to get to the comics section.

Well, if you knew, why'd you ask me?

I didn't ask you to ask.

I asked to tell you that I don't want

these papers scattered all over the floor.

Why don't you go in the kitchen

and have your breakfast?

That's a very good idea.

There's no breakfast in there.

I know.

Then why'd you ask me if I wanted to eat?

I didn't ask you to ask.

I asked you to tell you

there wasn't nothing in there to eat.

What's the matter with you, man?

Didn't you read the paper?

No. What happened?

Look here.

Lucy stole Linus' blanket and hid it in Snoopy's doghouse.

I'm glad you told me.

Now I won't have to watch the 11:00 news.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Julio, what's happening?

Now, look, did your sister and your nephew get here?

Oh, they did?

Well, sure, come right on over. Okay.

Julio's sister and nephew are here in town?

Yeah, but he didn't seem too happy about it.

Well, you can't blame him. They're Puerto Ricans.

Pop, why are you so prejudiced against Puerto Ricans?

I'm not prejudiced.

It's just with me, it's America first,

Watts second, Harlem third,

and Puerto Rico comes in somewhere around 19th or 20th,

just before Beverly Hills.

Come in.

Hey, Lamont. Wow, man.

Mr. Sanford, I got trouble, man,

and you are the only one that can help me.

I'm the only one that can help you?

That's right.

Well, you in bad trouble.

Say, what's the matter, Julio?

Is there something wrong

with your sister or your nephew?

Oh, man, yeah.

You know I got two sisters, right?

I forgot my older sister is allergic to goats.

She can't stay in the same house with Chico.

Oh, wow, that's a drag.

Yeah, man, not only is the house filled with the goat

running all over the place, man,

but there's goat hairs all over, man.

Oh. Yeah.

So my poor sister, man,

last night she couldn't sleep for one second, man.

She's exhausted.

So I was wondering, man, I mean, you know, maybe...

Well, I mean... You know, I know you ain't got much room, but...

You think maybe just for one night,

you know, so my sister and her little boy could sleep?

Hey, man, we got plenty of room.

Oh, man, that's...

No, we don't. No, we don't.

All our rooms are filled.

What?

All our rooms are filled.

With what? Air. I'm airing them out.

And, Julio, I'd appreciate it very much

if you would leave,

because you're standing in a spot

where some fresh air ought to be.

Oh, man.

Hey, Julio, my home is your home, brother.

Oh, thanks, Lamont. That's great, man.

Listen, I'm gonna be right back.

It's only gonna be for one day. Thank you, man.

Let me tell you something.

I'm only gonna tell you this one time and one time only...

I don't want any Puerto Ricans

living in my house.

I understand that, Pop, but see...

I don't want any Puerto Ricans living in this house.

I understand that, Pop, but see...

I don't want any Puerto Ricans living here in this house.

I know that, Pop...

I don't want any Puerto Ricans

living in this house!

Not one.

Look, man...

I promised Julio I would help him, man,

and we are. We're gonna help him.

I don't care who you promised something...

Here he is, Lamont.

Oh, goodness. Get this killer out of here.

Where should I put him?

You mean to tell me you want to leave the goat here?

Well, yeah, just overnight,

till I get the place cleaned up, you know, that's all.

And then what you going to do with it?

I thought... I'll tell you. We gonna bury him.

I don't want no goats and no Puerto Ricans

living in this house!

Would you wait a minute?

Wait a minute!

Julio, take the goat back to your house...

I knew I could count on you, son...

and bring your family here.

Up to zero!

Thank you, Lamont. Thank you, Mr. Sanford.

Thank you, man. That's great.

Oh... Oh!

What's the matter with you?

Oh, it's all right, son.

No, come on, tell me. What's wrong?

No, I don't want to bother you this time.

Really. I got a rare disease, son...

The Creeping Cucarachas.

Yeah, really, see, it's a lot of blotches,

but you can't see them,

because they're up under my skin.

Why don't you stop?

See, and they creep up under your skin...

Uh-oh, there's one now.

See, it's creeping up around my wrist

and moving up my arm to my elbow.

Hold it. Stay.

Stay.

Down, boy.

Look, now, that's Julio

and his sister and his nephew, Pop.

Now, try and be nice to them, okay?

I'll do the best I can, son, but these creeping blotches...

it's moving from my elbow up to my shoulder,

and my shoulder bone is connected to my brain bone,

and I might get a brain blotch.

Come in.

Carlotta, esta mi amigo, Lamont.

Lamont, this is my sister, Carlotta,

and her son Roberto.

It is indeed a pleasure.

Hello.

Carlotta,

eso es el papa de mi amigo, Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, I want you to say hello

to Carlotta and her son, Roberto.

Hey, Roberto, say hello to Lamont and Señor Sanford.

Hey, Roberto. Hello, Lamont.

Hello, Señor Sanford.

Buenos tacos.

Buenos tacos, mama.

El hombre dice "buenos tacos."

Hey, he thought that's funny, huh?

Well, you see, Mr. Sanford, we don't...

He'll love this one... Adios, bratos.

Hey, Julio, tell your sister Carlotta

that I'm glad that she's here and my home is her home.

Wow, that's nice.

Thank you very much.

Oh, no, no, no, no, look...

You don't have to do that.

Hey, listen, now, you stay out of this.

This lady's a guest in our house.

Get them papers over there, honey.

Hey, Julio, look, tell your sister Carlotta

that she doesn't have to do any cleaning or cooking

because my Pop, see, he does all the housework.

Tell her that.

Right, great.

Hey, Lamont, what'd she say?

How would I know?

Who do you think I am, Ricardo Montalban?

My mama say to clean is the work of a woman, not the man,

and tio Julio say in this house, you're the woman.

Oh, yeah?

You tell your uncle in a minute he'll be a woman.

You smell that?

Now, that is what breakfast is supposed to smell like.

Eggs, onions, coffee, peppers with butter.

Buenos tacos.

Hey, look at this, Pop.

Carlotta's cleaned up the room,

and she's already started breakfast.

What do you mean, she cleaned up the room?

Why do you jump to the conclusion

that she cleaned up the room?

Oh, I'm terrible sorry. Am I supposed to assume

that you came down in the middle of the night

and straightened it up?

Or am I supposed to assume

that the living room fairies came by and did it?

No, no, that would be too hard to swallow

with this in your mouth.

Oh, buenos dias.

Yeah, bony knees to you.

Sit, please.

I hope you like the meal.

Oh, we'll love it.

No, no. No?

Mm-mm.

Hey, Pop, if you don't eat that,

you're gonna insult Carlotta.

My doctor's got me on a strict diet...

No garbage.

Would you stop it?

Listen, that stuff stinks.

I ain't asked her to fix it, so don't expect me to eat it.

Hey, man, why don't you dig yourself?

Hey, good morning, everybody.

Oh, no, another one.

Come on, Roberto, we gotta sign you up for school, man.

Hey, how long they gonna be here?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, Carlotta's husband is moving here,

so I figure we better get Roberto signed up in school

right away, you know?

They might be here a long time.

A long time? Here? In this house?

Well... Pop!

Oh, it'll be a pleasure.

Hey, you really mean that, Mr. Sanford?

Certainly I mean it, certainly.

Hey, man, that's nice.

As long as she cleans up the house

and cooks for Lamont, my house is yours.

So, since my house is yours,

hurry and get to your windows and your floors.

Here you go, Pop.

Here's something for the inventory.

Let's see, one tire, no whitewall, small hole in it.

It's got about four miles left on it.

Okay, that's... I'd say two bucks.

Wrong.

Here you go.

One custom-designed gorilla swing for your Aunt Esther...

twenty-five dollars.

All right, what about this?

Oh, let's see.

One tuba, two valves missing, one don't work...

It's made out of alulu... Uh, alu... brass.

Let's lift it up, son, and see how it sounds, there.

Oh, gee whiz.

Here we go.

Five dollars.

Wrong again.

One flower planter

reminiscent of John Philip Sousa.

Would you please stop it?

What about this radio, Pop?

One radio, 1940 vintage. Let's see.

Good condition. 15 bucks.

Tio! Julio! Tio!

Hey, he's not here, Roberto,

but come on over anyway, buddy.

Now, what's the matter, man?

Where's Uncle Julio?

Well, I think he went shopping with your mother,

but how come you're not in school?

No, no school. No school!

I hate the school. No more school.

Hey, man, hey, look, don't cry.

Only babies cry.

Oh, Señor Sanford?

Si.

They should not return to here now?

Oh, they'll be back soon.

They went down to the school to speak to the principal.

The principal? Yeah, the boss of the school.

Boss of the school?

Yeah, El Chief-o of the Bratos.

Gracias. That's all right.

Listen, why don't you do something

to take your mind off Roberto, like the laundry?

Laumbry?

Yeah, laumbry. See, whatever the problem is,

Lamont will take care of it, because he's smart.

He can answer every question on Hollywood Squares.

Questions?

Oh, si, preguntas?

Preguntas? No, you thinking of the Newlyweds.

See, when a woman gets preguntas...

Hey, what happened? It's not right.

I know it's not right, Julio,

but that's just the way it is, man.

What happened?

What happened?

Hold it.

Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it!

Now, we have to start speaking English here.

This is not the unemployment office, you know.

Now, what happened?

What happened is that Roberto can't speak English fast enough,

so instead of keeping him in the fifth grade,

where he belongs,

they put him back to the fourth grade.

I am not stupid.

I do not want to be in a class with babies.

That's right. He's right, Lamont.

I know that, but that's the way

the school system is here in L.A., Julio.

The principal said if the students can't keep up,

they have to put them into a younger grade.

I can keep up.

But not in English.

I'll get it. Come in!

Oh, excuse me, but are you still open for business?

Of course we're open for business.

You see us with this here stuff to sell and everything,

don't you?

Well, I was looking for an old lamp.

Welcome to Lamp City.

Oh!

Oh, this is just what I want.

Is it for sale?

My pop told me when I was a little kid,

"Everything's got a price."

He's my son... 25.98.

Oh, my, you sound like quite a businessman.

Well, you don't think

I own all this by being stupid, do you?

No, of course not.

Well, how much do you want for the lamp?

Twenty dollars. Forty dollars.

I beg your pardon?

Forty dollars. Twenty dollars.

I'll give you 20.

Sold. Sold.

What you do?

You sold it, my lamp?

It is the lamp I study with at night.

What's the matter with the lamp?

What does he mean, when he studies?

You want me to be a doctor, no?

So all night I study.

I have no eyes to play the baseball.

And you're gonna have no teeth to eat with.

Well, surely there are other lamps in this house

that you can use.

They are no good. That one is the right one.

There is a better light in the light store,

but it costs $30. Now I have no lamp,

and you don't have $30 to buy me a new lamp.

I will fail in my studies. I will never be a doctor.

You may never be 11.

Oh, you poor little child.

Here... Here's $30.

Now, you buy him that lamp.

Study hard, little doctor.

Hey, you know, that was pretty smart of you,

jacking up the price like that.

You're nice, amigo.

Give me five.

No, give me 10.

Give you what? Give me my $10.

Your $10? Si, my $10.

You were only going to get 20.

I got you the other 10. It is my $10.

You know, you got a good head on your shoulders.

You want to see it on the floor?

Hello?

Yeah.

Uh-huh, just a moment.

It's for you, señor... For me?

Yeah, and talk fast, yeah?

Because I don't like my phone hung up

while I'm doing this work.

Yes.

Wait, please. Too fast. One moment.

Señor Sanford, please... What?

It's the school where is Berto.

I do not understand.

Hello.

Oh, that was the boy's Puerto Rican mother

and my personal secretary.

Oh, yeah?

All right, I'll send her over.

What is wrong? Is Berto hurt?

No, he's just been suspended.

Suspended? What is suspended?

Thrown out, kicked out, "adiosed" from school.

My Berto?

Yeah. You'll have to go over there.

Go? I don't know how to go.

Señor Sanford...

Please, don't get no chili on my shirt.

What will I say?

I do not know how to go.

Señor Sanford, you will take me, please?

Now? Yes, now, please.

No, I gotta finish this work

and then I gotta do some things in the kitchen...

Please. And after that,

I gotta look in here

and see what Dear Abby says about teenage petting.

Please?

Well, I... Okay, then.

Get your coat and get your hat...

♪ And leave your worries on the doorstep ♪♪

Very good.

Ask them to come in.

Your mother and a Mr. Sanford are here.

Why you call them? I know how to go home.

We can't send you home without a parent.

Hi.

What is she saying?

What are they saying?

How should I know?

Who do you think I am, Fernando Lummox?

Señor Sanford, what happens now?

What happened? What did the kid do?

He simply refuses to go into the fourth grade.

He insists he is smarter than the fourth graders,

which I have no reason to doubt,

but, well, because of the language barrier,

he can't keep up with the fifth grade.

What he say, Señor Sanford?

He says Roberto el dummo.

No, no, no. I didn't.

I said the teacher is unable to teach him.

See, the principal-o says el teacho is the dummo.

No, I didn't.

Well, listen, if the teacher can't teach him,

then you should put her back in the fourth grade.

Mr. Sanford, most of our teachers don't speak Spanish,

and the government won't provide funds

to hire extra teachers who do.

It's unfortunate, really, because in the younger grades

many of our children are Spanish-speaking.

Well, that's stupid.

Here's a kid that speaks two languages,

he's smarter than the teacher, and he also sells lamps.

Sir...

Well, why doesn't the government provide funds for this?

I don't know. I imagine they have other things

they consider to be more important.

Now, what's more important

than giving a kid a real, good education?

Mr. Sanford, I respect what you're saying,

and believe me, I wish I could do something

to keep Roberto in the fifth grade.

Well, you can.

Why don't you stay after school and tutor him?

Mr. Sanford, I can't do that.

I'm the principal.

Forget about the principal and take a little interest.

This kid needs help.

All right.

All right, Mr. Sanford. I'll do it.

Right.

Mr. Sanford, you're quite a man...

And you too.

And you're an asset to this community.

You too, you too.

Listen, if you ever want a piece of junk,

stop by my place and pick out what you want.

Thank you very much.

Preferably a tall Puerto Rican named Julio.

Go ahead.

Ask me that question again.

"Johnny has four apples,

"and Mary has three bananas.

Johnny gives two of his apples to Mary."

Here, Mary.

"Mary gives one banana to Johnny

and eats two herself."

Oh, no, let's see that.

Well, so long, Pop.

So long, son.

I'll be leaving in a few minutes myself.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

Oh, look, don't forget, now,

Carlotta invited us over for dinner tonight.

Oh, I won't forget. Okay.

I wish you'd tell me more

about that job that you got at the school.

Oh, well, it's just a little job

where I help the kids on a daily basis.

Well, with what?

Well, you know, leading them on the straight and narrow

and pointing them in the right direction.

And they pay you for that? Well, not much.

It's helping the kids that's more important.

You know what, Pop? I'm proud of you, man.

I'll see you later.

Okay, son.