All language subtitles for Mom 8x12 - Tiny Dancer and an Impromptu Picnic (English)

Oh, my!

A handsome interloper

has happened upon my impromptu picnic.

Allow me to cool my d�colletage
with an icy glass of sweet tea.

You need to come with me.

Are you not seeing
what's happening here?

You're a traveling salesman,

and my daddy has gone to town for seeds.

We had a swarm of locusts.

Hey.

You really need to come with me.

But... But, well, now I'm
stuck with all this sweet tea

and whipped cream and this accent.

Deserted highway, jittery husband.

If I knew you were gonna kill me,

I would've worn sweats.

Okay. Look at the billboard.

"Mr. Naughty's."

A strip club?

Naked picnic Monday isn't
good enough for you anymore?

Look again.

What? It's some poor stripper
looking confused and...

Oh, my God, that's my daughter!

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --

It's Christy!

Yeah, we know it's Christy.

I knew her eyes were big,

but now they're, like, six feet tall.

And I think they're following me.

She hung up her tassels ages ago.

Has that thing been
up there for 20 years?

Judging by all the bird poop, yes.

Why couldn't they have
pooped on her face?

Poop on her face!

At least it'll be dark soon

and people won't be able to see it.

Poop on the lights!

So, a giant, half-naked Christy
has been up there for decades,

and we had no idea.

You know, I always
pictured a boyish figure

under all those hoodies,
and, to be honest,

I preferred it that way.

- Do you think she knows?
- Of course not.

I posted a picture of
her on her birthday.

She made me take it down
'cause she didn't like

how her ears looked.

Upside, you don't notice
her ears on the billboard.

I mean, we've all heard
about her stripper days,

but somehow, seeing her 80 feet wide

makes it very real.

Yeah. I mean, I know Marjorie
lived in a cardboard box,

but if I saw it on a billboard,
that would be a bummer.

What would that billboard be for?

Dave's Cardboard Box Emporium?

Well, living in a box

was one of the least
embarrassing things I did.

Thank God social media didn't
exist when I was drinking.

Oh, I'm not so lucky.

If you Google "drunk socialite
moons Wimbledon," hello.

I'd be mortified if you guys
ever saw my episode of Cops.

I get arrested, make bail,
then get arrested again.

Never jaywalk with a goat
if you're trying to lay low.

Well, my daughter has come too far

for her hoo-ha to be
a roadside attraction.

Christy's gonna lose
it when she finds out.

No, she won't, 'cause
none of us are telling her.

I'm gonna handle it.

- Okay, just...
- I'm gonna handle it.

This is the best burger I've ever had.

Just mayo and cheese. I'm in heaven!

But mostly I feel bad about Christy.

Operator.

Customer service.

Live person!

- What's going on?
- I'm trying to get through

to the strip club, But they
have this whole long menu

about VIP rooms, strip
clubs, lost wedding rings.

What number do I push to
save my daughter's dignity?!

Did you try eight?

Oh, there's Rod. Don't look. Don't look.

- Did you all just see that?
- No, 'cause you told us not to look.

He completely ignored me.

This is why I say dating people
from the rooms can get messy.

Marjorie, we're alcoholics.
When you say "messy,"

we hear, "Sounds like
fun. Where do I sign up?"

God, why did I hook up with him?

He's so not my type.

He's arrogant and
vain and self-centered,

and why hasn't he called me?

Why don't you call him?

Ugh, I don't want
anything to do with him.

It's just awkward.

I mean, we've seen each other naked.

Well, I was naked. He kept his boots on.

You know, for traction.

So, Rod took his boots off,
then took his pants off,

then put his boots back on?

No. Boots stayed on the whole time.

It was like some
weird, sexy magic trick.

All right, ladies, let's take our seats.

- Did he look?
- Nope.

Damn it, what a child!

So, how you doing? You still
freaked out about that billboard?

Let me tell you something.

When I first saw it,

I was just a guy driving down a road,

happy to see some advertising
that didn't involve

personal injury attorneys or eczema.

I started at the feet. All systems go.

Worked my way up the legs. Life is good.

Torso did not disappoint.

And wham! It's my stepdaughter.

I mean, I nearly drove off the road.

So, this strip club...

Where exactly is it located?

I haven't had glitter on
the old trousers in a while.

Come on, man.

We're in a bar. Isn't this where
men can speak from our hearts?

That's not where you're speaking from.

I am awash in shame.

I'm sorry. It's just this whole thing

made me realize that every
woman I've ever checked out

is somebody's daughter.

Yeah, but if we all thought that way,

no one would ever have sex again.

The human species would go extinct.

You know, men objectifying women

is what's keeping civilization
alive. We're heroes.

- We're pigs!
- No, we're not.

We open the doors, we kill the spiders,

- we buy the jewelry.
- We have to be better.

Do we?

Yes! That's a person up
there on that billboard.

With real feelings and a
heart... and a soul

and a way of eating
lasagna from the middle

that's very endearing.

Well, now you're making
me feel bad about myself.

Well, you should.

Truth be told, I have been dragging

a little sexual toilet paper
around on my shoe lately.

- Let me guess. Jill?
- Oh, you heard.

Bonnie told me.

When you're married,

other people's
adventures are a big deal.

Yeah. I've been avoiding
her since we had sex,

and... perhaps that
doesn't feel good to her?

I don't think women
appreciate that the way we do.

You know what? I'm gonna give her a ring

and invite her down here,

and we can sort it out like two adults.

Good for you.

You know, I-I've told
myself over and over again

not to fool around with
women from meetings,

but then I get this incredibly
compelling counterargument

from my penis.

They are convincing.

Whoops! Sorry. Oh! Carry on.

God, Tuesday afternoon.
What is wrong with men?

It's open.

Oh. Hello.

- Are you the manager?
- Yep. You're too old to work here.

What? Hey, I could totally work here.

All right. Show me what you got.

Wait, no. That's not why I came.

Let me guess.

Your husband is in there,

and you need me to go remind him
how great his life is back home.

No, my husband knows
how great his life is.

Great. 'Cause lately,
I've been struggling

to come off as sincere.

- May I?
- Take your chances.

Many years ago, there was a...

there was a girl... a lost girl.

But it wasn't the girl's fault.

Her-her mother never gave
her the road map she needed

- to succeed in life.
- Mm.

Actually, no one ever gave her
mother the road map, either.

- It's a vicious cycle.
- Yeah, I'm familiar with it.

Anyway, uh, this girl spent
some of her formative years

in this very establishment.

Yeah, see, formative years.
Now, that's what I hire.

Uh-huh. But how many of those
end up at Georgetown Law school?

They don't tend to keep
in touch after they leave.

Well, my daughter made that journey,

and yet she's still up on your billboard

on Route 29.

You're Christy's mom?

- You remember her?
- Well, yeah!

Well, I used to be the DJ back then.

Hey, I'm the one who told her

she should work to "Tiny Dancer."

Right? You get it?

'Cause she-she's very small.

Well, you-you both made
something of yourselves.

Yeah, I never dreamed
I'd have my own office.

So Christy's still alive, huh?

Wow. That's great.

You know, I knew her
heart wasn't in the pole.

It's not for everyone.

Well, I'm glad you understand

because it leads me to why I'm here.

I feel that billboard
might have a negative impact

on her legal career.

I mean, she may be on
the Supreme Court one day,

but not with that thing up there.

Mm, I'm sorry. That billboard's money.

But it's more than 20 years old.

You know, people like the vintage.
Reminds them of a simpler time.

1998?

Wow.

This crazy blue marble, huh?

Just keeps spinning, don't it?

Look, my daughter worked
so hard to get where she is.

She shouldn't have to drag her
past behind her for eternity.

That's... that's not right.

Neither is smoking
indoors, but here we are.

That billboard needs to come down,

and I am not leaving
until you change your mind.

Tony, Bruno, I'd like you to consider

what your mothers
think of you right now!

The manager wasn't a terrible guy.

He did give me two
coupons to the buffet.

Ooh, I love a good strip club buffet.

Yeah. I only got a quick look
as I was rudely shown the door,

but there were silver dollar pancakes

and what looked to be an ambrosia salad.

Maybe when we're done
vandalizing, we can drop by.

No? Okay.

Now, this little baby
takes no prisoners.

Two strokes, and it's bye-bye,
Christy's questionable choices.

What's going on?

Could ask you the same thing.

What are you doing
with that poor creature?

Oh, the vet says he's pre-diabetic,

so twice a day, we got to walk the hill.

So, it looks like you
two have a project.

The strip club wouldn't take
down Christy's billboard,

so I'm taking matters into my own hands.

Aha. So you're planning to deface it?

De-face. De-body.
De-whole thing.

Hold on. Let's make sure
we look before we leap.

Great. Now we're gonna get wisdom

from a woman who's walking her cat.

I think what we need here is a meeting,

because your alcoholic brain is
running a little wild right now,

and Tammy's getting
caught up in the riptide.

I am impressionable.

Maybe I could do a ladies only night.

That way, they won't even
have to deal with men.

You know, make the bar
kind of a safe haven.

You mean like a lesbian bar?

News flash... not
necessarily a safe haven.

All right, let's try a Sparkly Pony.

Ooh, it has pineapple in
it. I'm mildly allergic.

Finally, a little danger!

Jill's here.

This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Hello.

Uh, thanks for coming.

Mm, no problem. I was in
the neighborhood, and...

already dressed like this.

What can I get for you, Jill?

I'm about to ride a Sparkly Pony.

Oh, I'll have one of
those, extra sparkle.

Jill, if you had to
judge my bar as a whole,

would you say that it respects women?

- What?
- Never mind.

So, you're the one that called me,

'cause I certainly had no
intentions of ever calling you.

I even deleted your contact,

so when you called,
it was just a number.

I didn't know who it was, so
I picked up, and it was you.

Right. Yes. Uh, can I get you a drink?

We just did that.

Great. Phase one complete,
only minor injuries.

I asked you here because
I wanted to... own up

to my recent... aloofness.

Oh, I didn't even notice.

I mean, you're not even in my phone,

but I'm still in yours,
so who's aloof now?

- Anyway, even if you didn't notice...
- I didn't.

Well, I did, and I didn't treat you

with the respect that you deserve.

And I'm sorry.

Mm. Thank you.

Look, we're two adults

who had consensual sex
in a vacant apartment.

God, that was hard to say out loud.

Just so you know, that's
not the kind of behavior

I usually indulge in.

Well, it's exactly the kind of
behavior I usually indulge in.

And then I leave town.

Only, uh, nowhere to go
and no money to get there.

I didn't think this one through.

Yeah, I didn't, either.

Can-can we just reset

and try being clothes-on,

wave-to-each-other-
across-the-room friends?

I can do that.

So, uh, tell me about yourself.

What's your last name?

Hi. Bonnie, alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

This is my first time
at the 5:45 meeting.

Not to quibble, but what's the deal?

Can't commit to 5:30?
Can't commit to 6:00?

I mean, when do you have
dinner? When do you finish work?

Came in handy for us
today, though, so thumbs up.

I've been known to do
a lot of crazy things

'cause, you know, alcoholic.

And where this brain
goes, the body follows.

Sometimes the body goes and
the brain just stays behind.

Right now, I'm dealing with
a thing where, um,

I'm worried my kid is
gonna be embarrassed

or... hurt or exploited or exposed

to the kind of people who
use secondary highways.

She means that literally.
It's not a metaphor.

I keep questioning if
my reaction is alcoholic.

Actually, other people
keep questioning it,

but, yeah, screw that.

Sometimes it's not
about being an alcoholic.

Sometimes it's just about being a mom.

A mom who wants to protect her kid.

You know what? The more I
talk about it, the more I...

I can't be here.

Should we follow her?

No worries. She's not going anywhere.

I got my keys right...

Son of a bitch!

How far away is your place?

Ten minutes, but my housekeeper's there.

- How about you?
- Seven minutes, but my mum's there.

- Hit recline.
- Yeah.

This is going very slowly,
but it's only making it hotter.

Oh. Seriously?

Oh, hey, Marjorie.

Oh. Okay. I'll be right there.

You have to go.

Just gonna need a moment
before I can zip up again.

This is fun.

You guys have never been in my car.

I bought it off a volunteer
fireman, so it has a siren.

Well, we appreciate the ride.

Even though I can't feel my feet.

I offered you shotgun.

But I couldn't because you're super old,

and I'm inherently kind.

I just had to show you.

Come on, Bonnie! You're gonna get hurt!

I don't care! This is my daughter!

Damn it, Wendy. Was that
you behind me with the siren?

Bonnie, get down from there!

- I'm pretty sure you're trespassing.
- What?

She said you're trespassing!
Come on. Use your outside voice.

You're gonna end up in jail!

Are you really telling me

that if your son was up there
in a thong and high heels,

you wouldn't do everything
in your power to fix it?

She has a point.

You are the mama of all bears
when it comes to your son.

Well, as your sponsor,

I think there's another
way to handle this.

As a mother, I'm coming up!

This is actually fun.

Hey, maybe I should
paint one of my houses.

- Is that a hickey on your neck?
- What? Shh!

Ladies, thank you for dropping whatever

or whoever you were doing
to come here and help me.

Tammy, did you give her a tail?

I'm gonna paint over it.

Remember, don't look down.

Why? What's wrong with it?

Sorry, Christy. Cannot
FaceTime with you now.

All right, Boz.

We have been through
this. You got to exercise.

You heard what the doctor said.
He was very clear.

Okay.

Do you want to be on
the low-calorie dry food

when everyone else gets the good stuff?

I'm not giving in.

I googled the side
effects of feline diabetes,

and they're very upsetting.

Yeah, just a heads-up.

Looks like we're gonna be
late to the meeting again.

- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -
-- for www.addic7ed.com --