All language subtitles for Kenan s01e06 You Go, Squirrel.eng

- It's almost time.

- Where's my Barbie makeup kit?

- Oh, sweetie, I think
I threw that out.

Well, I'm sorry.
It was getting nasty.

That lip gloss was starting
to look like chutney.

- Well, I can't go to the party
without my face beat.

- I think I have a stomachache.

I don't think I can go tonight.

- If she's not going,
I'm not going.

- Wait a minute.

Y'all have been so excited
about this for weeks.

Your first night sleeping out.

My first night
with you sleeping out.

We're all excited.
- Rude!

- [scoffs]
- What?

You're gonna have so much fun.

And if I happen to have
a little bit of fun

not being in charge of your fun
for the first time

in, like, forever,
well, then so be it.

But trust me,
you're ready for this.

- Are you sure, Dad?
- Of course.

Look, if you hate it,
I'll come get you.

- But then Sophie Wexler will
make fun of us for leaving.

That's why it's just better
if we don't go.

- No!

I mean, uh, look.

Let's just think.

If you gotta come home,
just call me and say,

"Dad, are we having lasagna
tomorrow?"

And then I'll come right over
with a great excuse

of why you gotta leave,
like night church.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

- "Lasagna."
I like it.

Thanks.
- You're welcome.

My precious, little babies.
[sighs contentedly]

[horn honks]
Your ride is here!

All right.
Bye-bye!

[funky upbeat music]

♪

Rick, I need you
to take Gary out.

- Out? Wow.

I did say I'd help you
with whatever,

but killing my best friend
is a big ask.

- What?

I meant take him out
for the night.

And also, Gary's
your best friend?

- Eh, I'm working on that.

That's why I bought him
these "BET: Uncut" DVDs.

It's his favorite program.

- Didn't they stop
making that show

because it was so degrading
to Black women?

- Yes.

However, where there's an eBay,

there's an e-way.

Thank you very much,
Doug@working69to5.com.

- Gary does love
big Black butts.

I mean, look,
I just want a night alone.

I haven't had many
since I had kids,

or any since my father-in-law
started squatting in my home.

- None taken.

Oh, I thought you said,
"No offense."

- Nope.
- You should have.

- Well, look, is it
too much to ask

for one special night alone?

I mean, one night that
I don't have to do anything

for anybody?

I can just do stuff
that I love to do,

like eating bed cake

or eating bed Bloomin' Onion.

- That's an incredibly sad
itinerary for a special night,

but I did hear that Ludacris
has a new crab joint

called "Ludacrabs."

You think Gary'd like that?

- You know what?
I think he will.

He will love it.

My treat.
- Awesome!

What do you think
I should wear?

- Anything else.

- And in the end, Justin Bartha

was on top of the hotel
the entire time,

but, ironically,

no one ever saw him again.

- Okay, Pam,
how are your recaps

longer than the actual movie?

- I'm passionate.
- Okay.

Kenan, hey.
I thought you left.

- No, this isn't all for me.

Is that what you asked?

- No, but now
that you mention it...

- All right,
well, truth be told,

my girls went to their first
sleepover tonight,

so I'm alone to do
whatever I want.

It's gonna be like "The Purge,"
but "The Binge."

- Mm, first sleepover.
Yikes.

- Yeah, don't get
too comfortable.

Odds are, you're gonna
have to pick them up.

- Me and my friends,
we watched "Candyman"

at my first sleepover,
and I got so scared,

I peed in Katie Gianetti's
sleeping bag.

I mean, I wasn't
gonna sleep in pee.

That's disgusting.

- Well, my girls will be fine.

They're tough.
- Yes, they are.

My first sleepover was great.

I had s'mores,
we talked about boys,

conjured up my grandma
with a Ouija board.

- What?
- Yeah. For real.

- Man, please tell me
you are not that crazy.

- Oh, no.
- Here we go.

- First of all,
there's nothing crazy

about your loved ones who
passed away watching over you.

- I'm sorry, so you think
that dead people

are just chilling around us
at all times?

- Yep, at home,
at work, at the mall.

- No. I'm sorry.

I don't buy that Cori
is just floating over me

at an Ann Taylor Loft.

- Why are you
at an Ann Taylor Loft?

- I'm at where I'm at.

- Look, Kenan,
a deep connection

to the spiritual world
runs in my family.

We believe our loved ones
send us signs

or appear at totems,
like their favorite animals,

to help guide us.

- And that makes you
feel better?

- It does.

Yeah, every time
I see a blue jay,

I feel my grandma's presence,
like she's watching over me.

Remember that day a bird
dookied on my blazer?

That was Grammy just telling me
shoulder pads aren't for me.

- Aw.
- Okay, tell me.

What was Cori's
favorite animal?

- I don't know.

I mean, I guess she thought
squirrels were cute...

- Yeah.
- Which is ridiculous,

because squirrels are just rats
with a blowout.

But wait, how did we even
get on this?

I didn't come here
to talk about animals.

I came here to eat some!

So yeah.

Cori's not watching over me.

My girls are fine.

It's gonna be the best night
of my life.

Oh!

Hello?

Oh, that's right.

Nobody home but moi. Truly.

[vocalizes]

Do the Usher.

Anybody want me
to do anything for 'em?

Hmm?

Well, you can't ask me

because I kicked y'all all
out the house!

[laughs]

Even my girls...

despite they obvious cries
for help.

[phone ringing]

- Hey. What's up?

- I--I'm chilling.

I was just calling
to check on you, girl.

[chuckles]
Uh, how's work?

- It is Friday night.

I am getting ready for a date.

- Really?
- Okay, fine.

I'm at work.

Give me two minutes.
What's up?

- Pam and Tami got in my head.

I think the girls
were really scared

about their first sleepover,

but I made them go anyway.

Now I'm wondering
if I pushed them away

before they was ready

just so I could finally
have a night alone.

- I'm sure they're ready.

Plus, every parent needs
a break.

That's what mine told me

when they took extended
vacations without me.

Look, you're just not used
to being alone, all right?

My yogi says solitude brings
all your deepest fears

to the surface.

- Your yogi, Kyler?
- Yeah.

- The guy who has a tank top
that says,

"The Universe is My Homeboy"?

- Just enjoy your night off.

- Okay. You're right.

Thanks.

Hey. Come to bed, cake.

- Uh, you didn't hang up.

- It ain't what you think!

- Oh, see, that's
what guilty people say.

- And let's toss in
a Lobster Rollout My Business

for the table.

- That doesn't sound ludicrous
to me!

[both laugh]
- That's funny.

- Okay, gonna "move, bitch,
and get out" this order!

- This is nice, huh?

Just the boys, the dawgs.

- Yeah, sure.

I didn't know you were
such a Ludacris fan.

- Oh, yeah, man.

I love all them
"Fast and Furious" movies.

It's like visual Cialis.

- Huh.
You know, there's something

I just can't stop
thinking about.

- Why we didn't do this sooner?

- Mm-mm.

Why are we here?

This place is whack as hell,
man.

I know the streets said
no snitching

in the hip-hop community,
but I gotta take this to Yelp.

People need to know.

- I was just gonna say
the same thing.

So whack.
- Yeah.

- I mean, but...

Kenan was crying
about wanting to have

his special night alone
or whatever,

and so we're here.

We may as well enjoy
each other's company?

- Hey, that's weird.

Kenan wanted to be alone?

I hope he's not depressed
or anything.

- Well, it's not weird
to want to be alone.

- It is for Kenan.

That dude is social.

When my mom said he was too old
for family bath,

he refused to go to prom.

I just wish there was a way
I could check in on him

without bothering him,
you know?

- Um...

- What in the sick--
you've been spying on us?

- Oh, no!
No, no.

Not spying.
This is security.

- Wait, is that
a birthday cake?

What's the date?

Hold on, is Kenan's birthday
coming up?

- Oh, no.
It must be today.

That's why he said
he wanted his special night.

- Oh, he said special.
- Oh, my God.

We forgot Kenan's birthday.
- How we do that?

- This is bad.
- This is bad.

- We gotta team up
and throw him a party.

- Yes! Yes, like, ASAP.

Ooh, ASAP Mob throws
the best birthday parties.

Rocky had a Dirty Sprite
Slip 'N Slide.

That thing was fast.

And sticky.

- Sometimes when you talk, I
feel like I'm having a stroke.

- Hmm.

- But I love it.

[laughter]

- Okay. Ready?

[together]
Light as a feather.

Stiff as a--
- Hey, girls.

[all scream]

No, no, no.
It's okay.

I'm Aubrey and Birdie's dad.

- Ugh, so lame!
- Gosh.

- Once again, I'm really sorry
for scaring everybody.

And thank you so much

for having my girls over,
by the way.

I just wanted to tell you that
we're having lasagna tomorrow.

- No, we're not having lasagna.

- Yeah, you can't tell us
when we're having lasagna.

We tell you
when we want lasagna.

- What if I want lasagna?

- I have a Lean Cuisine
lasagna, if that helps.

- Nobody wants your tiny,
sad lasagna, Jan, okay?

I'm sorry.
No offense.

But come here.

- Dad.
- Look.

I think I made a bad decision,
all right?

You're not ready
for a sleepover,

and I pushed you into it, but
why don't you just come home

and we'll try again in,
like, a year, or maybe five?

- I wanna stay.
- Yeah.

They put parmesan
on their popcorn.

I mean, it's insane,
but it works.

- Dad, are you maybe not ready?

- Me? What?

No, I'm--I'm cool.
I came here for y'all.

You know, I'm here
to check on y'all.

But if you straight,
I'm straight.

- You did what?

- I embarrassed them
in front of Sophie Wexler.

She's super popular even though
she don't even really know

how to tie her shoes.

- Look, you need to relax,
okay?

Go home and take some
of Cori's calm gummies.

You told me she bought those
in bulk.

- Man, that fake crap?

I only take herbs
recommended by a doctor...

Dre.

- You're so cool.

Trust me.
They work.

I take them to go to sleep.

Or to talk to my mother.

It'll take the edge off so that
you can enjoy your night

and stop acting a fool.

Now I gotta go.
I have a friend over.

- No, you don't.
[descending tone]

Rude!

Sleep.
Uh, wake up.

Think.
Wake up and think.

Calm. Calmer.

Calmest?

Calmest-er.

Huh, let me see
what that's about.

Mmm!

What's that?
Olallieberry?

Delish!
[chuckles]

Mmm.

Wow, I do feel calmest...er.

Might as well remind myself
what all the fuss was about.

[funky upbeat music]

Yeah, it's just bikinis.

Well, there go the bikinis.

♪

Y'all shouldn't
be watching this.

You neither, Cori.

♪

Well, you just everywhere,
aren't you?

♪

Huh. Sup, squirrel?

[Nelly's "E.I." playing]

♪

What the...

[music slows, stops]

[suspenseful music]

♪

[yelps]

No, no.
No, no, no, no, no!

♪

Shoo!
Get out of here, squirrel!

[squirrel chittering]

Cori?

[gasps]

- Man, there's nothing sadder
than a party supply store.

It's like Bloomingdale's
for weirdos.

- My brother wanting
to be alone on his birthday

is sadder.

Why doesn't he want
to be around anybody?

- Well, nothing that a big,
old surprise party can't cure.

It's a classic case
of two best bros

saving the day
for a third best bro.

- Me and Kenan
are your best bros?

- Uh, no.
Of course not.

Don't be ridiculous.

I got tons of best bros...
- Okay.

- Like, well,
I'll name you some.

There's, um, Denny...
- Mm-hmm.

Wendy, um...

Mike from Jersey, Mickey D--

- Okay, wait, are you just
naming restaurants?

- Denny's, Wendy's,
Jersey Mike's, McDonald's?

- No! No!

These are dear friends of mine.
- Okay.

One of them
has really good fries.

- And then I tried
to shoo it away,

but it just sat right here
on this picture of Cori

staring at me.

I think she's pissed at me
for sending the girls

to that sleepover
when they weren't ready.

Or maybe it was because
I was watching "BET: Uncut"

in my cozies...

which I was definitely
was not doing.

- Uh-huh.
- But maybe she's just

getting used to her
beady, little squirrel eyes.

- How many of these
did you take?

- Oh, I Pac-Man'd
that whole bottle.

- They're not candy.

You're supposed
to take, like, a half.

They have side effects.
- Right!

It was just the gummies.

Phew! Thank God.

You know, I was worried you was
about to say something like--

- You finally opened yourself
up to the spiritual world,

Cori appears
as her favorite animal,

and you do
the worst thing ever,

you shoo her away.

- That was exactly what I
was worried you were gonna say.

Wait, but are you saying that
as an example

of what I was worried
you were gonna say,

or are you saying it?

- Oh, I'm saying it.
Definitely saying it.

- Okay, so you need to put out
some of Cori's favorite stuff

to lure her back.

Do you really think Cori
is a furry rat now?

That sucks.

- Okay, I don't think
she's actually the squirrel,

but you see her
in the squirrel.

And you know Cori
would have my back on this

because she was a big believer
in the spiritual realm.

And that furniture
had feelings.

- Yeah, but she also believed
that expiration dates

were just suggestions,

and we both saw how sick
she got off that Go-Gurt.

- Okay, but what about
those fertility earrings

that I gave her when y'all
were trying to get pregnant?

Gave you two beautiful girls!

- Uh, no.
My sperms did that.

That's right, my doc said
my count is "ba-nonkers."

- Kenan, why are you
so resistant to the idea

of the spiritual world
watching over you?

- Look, I just don't want Cori
watching over me!

- Okay.
What's going on?

- It's just...

the thought of Cori
watching my every move

is just too much pressure.

I mean, Cori had incredible
parenting instincts,

and mine suck.

Like, you think it's
a good idea to tell a kid

if they eat their vegetables,
they can have dessert?

- Yeah, that sounds right.

- Wrong.
- Oh.

- It's the worst thing
you can do.

It makes them "food insecure"?

I mean, parenting
is so counterintuitive.

Like, I thought the girls were
ready to go to a sleepover,

which probably means
that they're not.

I mean, what if the other girls
try to freeze their bras

or something
while they're sleeping?

- What bras?
- Oh, my God!

I didn't get them no bras!

- They don't need bras. Yet.

- Oh. Well, see?

I mean, Cori always knew
the right thing for them,

but now I'm thinking
about all of the decisions

I'm gonna have to make
on my own...

- Look, Kenan.
You're right, okay?

Cori had amazing instincts.

- Wow, I thought
you was gonna try

to talk me off the ledge
a little bit.

- Which is why

she chose you to be the father
of her kids.

She knew you'd be the best dad.

- But...

what if she was just blinded
by my raw sex appeal?

- [chuckles]

Look, I'm sure Cori would
be proud of all your decisions.

Except maybe the eating
all your gummies ones 'cause...

- Oh, yeah. I'm hella faded.
- Yeah.

[dramatic music]

♪

- Hi, girls.
[all scream]

- Don't be scared.

We're just here
to take two of you.

[all scream]

- Again?
- Why does this keep happening?

- All right.

I got a picture of the girls,

that Jodeci song that she used
to like to get busy to,

a Bloomin' Onion--
well, part of one...

- Mm-hmm.
- And her signature drink.

A rosé on the rocks.

- But didn't the ice make it
super watery when it melted?

- Oh, she downed it
way before that.

- Got it.

And now...

musk oil.

- All right.

This is getting silly now.

What am I, luring a squirrel
to my house

with musk and wine like
I'm some woodland Bill Cosby?

And besides, everybody knows

squirrels don't even
come out at night--

oh, it just ran over my foot.

- Okay. See?

I'm gonna leave you to it.

Just speak from the heart.

I guarantee it'll
make you feel better,

whether you think
Cori's in there or not.

[smooth music playing]

- [softly]
Hey.

Um...

So...

guess this is like "Ghost,"
huh?

Except I'm Demi Moore,
and you're Patrick Swayze?

In a squirrel?

I am so full of gummies
right now.

[exhales]

God, Cori,

I don't know what I'm doing.

Like, for the longest,
I didn't know the difference

between leggings and tights

until some helpful moms
straightened me out

when I sent them to school
with they undies showing

one too many times.

♪

If I am doing all right,
can you give me a sign?

all:
Surprise!

- No! Don't go, baby!

I mean,

it ain't what it looks like.

- So yeah.
No, I was chilling, you know?

Just loving being alone,

and then I felt bad
that Mika was alone,

like, all the time,

so then, I called her up
and invited her over

for a little night picnic.

That's all.
Right, Mika?

- What--yeah.
That's what happened.

- Really,
'cause it looked to me

like he about to blow the back
out of that--

- Okay, girls, shall we
go get some cookies?

- Yes, please.
- Nah, man.

There wasn't nothing freaky
going on.

Just me and lonely-ass Mika.

You know, she's such a sad
mess of a woman.

- [cackles]
She sure is.

I saw her changing clothes once
in a parking lot.

[laughter]
- Wait, is this a roast?

- Okay, so if you
wanna continue, Kenan,

I can just stay here
with the girls.

- No, no.
I was just--I'm sorry.

Please go inside.
That's it, people.

Just a simple picnic.

And then the squirrel rolled up

and I was about to handle it,

and then y'all got here.

Yeah, what the hell
y'all doing here anyway?

- Man, we ain't want you to be
alone on your birthday, bro.

- Don't worry, guys.

I rehearsed the Black
birthday song in the car,

so I'm ready.

- Well, I know that's supposed
to be sweet,

but it's not my birthday
until next week.

And Gary, how did you
not know that?

- I knew it was coming up, man,

but then Rick was so sure,

and I just got excited
about throwing you a party.

- Well, it's not totally on us.

I mean, you were acting
all weird,

like your special night--

- There's nothing weird
about that.

- Yeah, but you was eating
birthday cake

all by your damn self, okay?

What were we supposed to think?

- That birthday cake
is my favorite kind of cake,

and you can get the ones
that haven't been picked up

at the end of the day at Kroger
for five bucks.

Wait, how did you see me
eating cake anyway?

- Uh-oh, Rick,
you wanna take this one?

- Don't turn this around on us.

You were the one that was
wining and dining the rodent,

and if we hadn't shown up, you
might've finished that rhyme!

- The picnic was with Mika,

and I was just trying
to be alone.

- Okay.

All right, man.
We'll let you be alone.

All right, y'all.
Let's bounce.

- But I brought
a little Tupperware

to take cake home.

- No, please stay!

I mean, uh...
[clears throat]

Chill.
Y'all already here.

Turns out being alone ain't all
it's cracked up to be anyway.

And I got cake.
- Yes!

- Well, I got part of a cake.

Right?
- That'll do.

- Let's do it!

[upbeat music]

Hey, Deon, Jan.

Thank you so much for coming.
Cheers, cheers.

Hey, you know, that lasagna
was actually pretty good.

- See?
- Yep.

Pam, you good?
- I'm great.

- Phil, come on, man.

This is not one of those
"take your shoes off

inside the house"
type of houses.

- Sorry.

- You need a ride home, buddy?

I finally got
a new passenger seat.

- Ooh.

- My babies!

Thank you so much

for ditching
your little Satanic ritual

to come to my
not-birthday party.

- Uncle Gary
and Papa Rick made us,

but we wanted to come home
anyway.

- I knew it.
You weren't ready.

- No, we were ready
for a sleepover,

just not with those monsters.

They tried to give us fruit
for dessert

and wanted us
to sleep on the floor.

- Oh, my!

- And clearly,

you needed some "lasagna."

Can we have cake even though
we just had cookies?

- Why not?

And you don't even have
to eat your veggies first.

Boom! Parenting instincts.

♪

I'll be right back.
- Okay.

- Look, I'm sorry

that I put that whole thing
about your sad life out there.

Not that your life is sad.

And I'm sorry
that I made fun of you

for believing
in all of that stuff.

Look, I'm not all the way
there with you,

but I do feel better,
so thank you.

- Of course,
and just so you know,

what I heard out of all that
was, "Mika, you're right."

- Well, people gonna hear
what they wanna hear.

- Sure.

- It's a pretty dope
birthday party.

Even though it's not
Kenan's birthday.

And there's no clown.

- Eh, it's just a classic case

of two best bros looking out
for their third best bro.

- Okay, what's up with this
"best bro" stuff, man?

Why you keep trying to make
me and you happen all night?

- Gee, man, I--

I just don't have a lot
of friends to hang out with.

The ones I have left
are in Florida.

Or jail.

Or heaven.

- Oh.

Whoa, yeah,
I guess I never thought

about, uh, how much
you had to give up

to be with Kenan and the girls.

- Gary, I had a waterbed.

- Ew.

- Yeah.

- Well, look, man,

for what it's worth, I had
a lot of fun tonight, man.

- I knew it.

Best bros.
- All right.

- Hey, boys, thanks again
for a great party.

Unless, of course,
this is still

a sleep gummy hallucination,
in which case,

please take me to the hospital.
[laughter]

- Yo, for real, though,

were you trying
to smash that squirrel?

- Of course not.

She was thick, though,
wasn't she?

She was thick.
[laughter]

- We need to keep
this party going

till we get some alley cats
up in here

'cause Mama needs hers too.

What?
[strained laughter]

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah...

- What?
- [clears throat]

I know it's not fair.

It's just kind of weird
when you do it.

- He's not wrong.
- Why?

- Again, it's not fair, but--

- It's weird as hell.

It is weird as hell.
- "Alley cat"?

- What's wrong
with an alley cat?

- Why you got a homeless cat?
- Not homeless!

- I mean, with a little dirty,
high butt walking around.

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