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- Look at me.

Look at me!

I did this to you, you understand me?

I did this.

- Isabelle, please.

- Did you think I wouldn't find out,

you son of a bitch?

I'm going to speak very clearly

so that we don't misunderstand one another.

I have booked you for one last job.

And you will do it.

Then you can consider yourself no longer

a part of my agency.

I want you to know I'm really disappointed

in how this has turned out.

- I was going to tell you, honestly-

- Don't.

You were my favorite.

You know that?

One more job, tomorrow night.

Then you should make sure

that I never see your face again.

- I was thinking about leaving town for a while anyway.

- Make it a long while.

And leave sooner rather than later

for your own benefit.

Let's leave him with a little reminder, shall we?

- No, no.

- Your face is a mess, now go clean it!

- You want me to call an ambulance?

♪ No sleep ♪

♪ Been up the whole night ♪

♪ Sunlight it's almost daytime ♪

♪ Take another shot before I go ♪

♪ You're done with relationships but ♪

♪ Feel like I need a hit ♪

♪ Just one more time then I'll go ♪

♪ You're new girl do ♪

♪ You call her baby and ♪

♪ I know you like them crazy ♪

♪ So I know ♪

♪ She's just another ho ♪

♪ I know I shouldn't make this call ♪

♪ I know you think you want it all ♪

♪ But if you're sleeping there alone ♪

♪ Can I come over ♪

♪ Just like how we used to be ♪

♪ We can just make believe ♪

♪ That you didn't really cheat at all ♪

♪ Don't make me fall for you ♪

♪ Just make me fall for it ♪

♪ Don't make me fall for you ♪

♪ I just need one more hit ♪

♪ Don't make me ♪

♪ Fall ♪

♪ If I call you gonna answer? ♪

♪ Maybe I should text, it's faster ♪

♪ And it won't wake her if she's there ♪

♪ I know she's not the one so ♪

♪ I'm gonna have my fun ♪

♪ She'll figure out that you don't care ♪

♪ All my friends said just enjoy your turn ♪

♪ That's all you'll ever be ♪

♪ You're just a bridge to burn ♪

♪ Thought I was the first ♪

♪ Found out I was the third ♪

♪ You had me so wrapped up ♪

♪ I didn't know ♪

♪ When am I gonna learn? ♪

- Hi, come in

I'll be just a moment

It's been a while since I tied one of these things myself.

I'm ready.

- Ready for what?

- For the evening.

- I think there's been a misunderstanding.

I'm looking for an Anne Boyle.

I don't escort male clients.

The Agency can do that for you

but that's not what I do.

- There's no mistake.

I used my sister's name when I ordered online.

I wanted someone just like you,

tall, confident, good looking.

You're perfect.

- Look, I mean it's cool for you to be into that.

But I mean I don't swing that way.

Anyway, it's just a misunderstanding,

have a good night.

- I don't want you.

Not like that.

I just want your help for the evening.

- My help?

- Yes.

I want you to be my wingman.

- Wingman?

That's what your poker buddies are for.

- I don't have poker buddies.

- Sorry to hear that, the answer's still no.

- $5,000 for the evening.

Introduce me to a lady,

help me get the conversation going,

establish a connection.

And then you're off the hook.

- Are you,

- Crazy?

Yeah, probably.

$10,000.

Come on

What are you doing, huh?

- $20,000.

One evening. That's it.

Cash.

You know, really, I am fine with what I have on.

- I can't be seen with you dressed like that.

It would be bad for both of us.

- Hey, that's my closet.

- I know.

By the way, did you tell anyone

about this plan of yours, like,

anybody at the agency?

- Of course not.

I had to see first that you were what I needed.

- Right.

- Where'd you find those ties?

You know I've got- - Do you need to get that?

- No, I know who it is.

The machine will get it.

I think this is a nice combination.

I've delivered lectures in this.

- Exactly.

And just think of how many women you put to sleep.

- Just make yourself at home, you know?

- Always do.

This is nice, looks new.

- Put it back, I'm not wearing that.

I'm just fine the way I'm dressed, thank you.

I'm fine with what I've got on.

- We don't want fine.

We want much, much better than fine.

- Look, I've only worn that suit once.

And I'm not gonna wear it again.

- Women are interested in three things.

Your clothes, your body and your wallet.

We need to look like you have one of those things

going for you.

- Thank you.

Thank you.

You wouldn't happen to have

a cellphone charger on you, would you?

- I'm afraid not.

- How about a bag of ice for my finger?

- Yeah I'll get that for you.

- You do this full time?

- Yeah.

- What's it like?

- It's usually taking older ladies out to dinner

or the opera.

You know, being a 10th reunion date

for a girl who wants to show her high school crush

that she's over him and onto better things.

It's the conversation and companionship

that they want more than anything.

- Okay, well I can't imagine you're married,

so are you seeing anyone?

- Listen, Professor, I love 20 questions

and fatherly advice as much as the next guy,

but let's stay focused on the task at hand, huh?

- I find myself alone.

My wife and I we separated several months back.

And although it wasn't my choice,

the separation is nonetheless permanent.

You got to understand that I was

married for nearly four decades

so it's been quite a while since I've been on the shelf.

I've attempted to take some initiative

but I find I'm

in a slump.

I suppose it's because I've been out of the game

for so long.

- And you want me to what, give you advice?

- I want you to be out there with me.

To guide me,

give me time to see which way the cat jumps,

be an interpreter of the signals

that women use these days.

- Your goal is to have a woman go home with you tonight?

- Well that would be nice,

but I'm looking for more than that.

I'm looking for a woman that I might

potentially build something with.

- And you think you can find a woman like that tonight?

Someone to potentially build something with?

All you're going to find out there tonight

are women who are very different

from the kind you're used to.

Women who are probably not well suited

for someone with your background and tastes.

- That's exactly what I want.

- Someone who isn't good for you?

- No, someone who's different from me.

You know, different from what I'm used to.

It's not just about sex for me.

- It's never about sex.

Even when it's about sex it's not about sex.

- Well what is it about?

- It's about beautiful bullshit.

The grand illusion of genuine, crushing intimacy.

Men pay for exactly the same thing,

we just convince ourselves that it's more physical

than it really is.

People pay for one thing.

The feeling that they're not alone in this world

for as long as they can afford.

- The cynic.

Well let me ask you something, why do you do this?

I mean you seem to smart for it.

- Do I seem that way?

- You're young, you're intelligent, you're charismatic.

You could be any-

- Anything I want to be.

Anything I set my mind to, right?

I've been hearing that my whole life.

And it's garbage, all of it.

What's the point?

You get what you can then it's time to go

before you can get comfortable.

- Ah.

So that's your philosophy on everything?

- Close to it, yeah.

- Well that explains a lot.

- Answers tend to do that.

- So they do.

- Are you gentlemen ready to order?

- Yeah, I'll have the salmon.

It's what I

always have, thank you. - Very good.

And for you sir?

- I don't think I'm having anything.

Honestly, I don't even know why I came here.

- I'll give you two a moment.

- Look.

I know this is a strange request.

But just go with it, will you?

It took me forever to build up the nerve

to even get this far.

- Look, you seem like a nice guy, you really do.

There aren't many nice guys.

- I don't wanna be a nice guy.

- Look, I don't wanna take your money.

Just, I mean,

seriously, you're better off.

Okay, it's a zoo out there these days.

Post a profile on some online dating site,

meet someone your own age,

strike up something real.

The girls I could introduce you to

aren't the nicest type,

especially not for someone like you.

- What?

Someone like me?

I remind you of your father or something, huh?

- No, you don't.

Let's not talk about my father.

- You usually find out a lot about a man

if you find out about his father.

- My father was an industrial-strength prick

and we should leave it at that.

- Wow.

Apple doesn't usually fall too far from the tree.

And that's the first time I've seen

any real emotion from you.

You wouldn't think a gigolo

would wear his heart on his sleeve.

- Don't call me that.

And I think we're done here.

- Hey, wait a minute.

Whatever your daddy did or didn't do for you,

couldn't have been too bad.

And I would say he's probably proud of the way

you have built a life.

- Have you decided what you want this evening?

- It would appear that my friend-

- I'll have the steak.

Rare.

- Very good.

- So, Peter.

You need some help with the ladies.

- Are you sure about this?

- It's like I said, my evening's shot now anyway.

And clearly you need my help.

If I use my time right,

it'll be my good deed for the day.

- The day is over.

- Oh, then we better get started.

Here are the rules.

- Rules?

- Well you can't play the game

if you don't know the rules.

- Fair enough.

- Rule number one, lie.

Conceal information about yourself whenever possible.

It should be a reflex, like a knee jerk reaction

to any question or comment.

- I don't lie.

- You damn sure do now.

- Well how am I supposed to remember

what I lied about?

- Okay, just stick close enough to the truth

that you can remember.

This is where most pricks go all wrong.

I'm an astronaut, I'm a race car driver, I'm a senator.

Be reasonable.

But remember that questions honestly and simply answered

are the early death of the modern-day courting process.

- So, what you're saying is don't be myself.

- Of course not. All that be yourself talk is bullshit.

People come out to these places on nights like this

to be dynamic, interesting, funny people.

No one's actually like that when they're themselves.

We're going for maximum interest here.

And the truth is seldom as interesting as a lie, hmm?

If you're going to sit at the table,

you have to bring something to it, got it?

- Got it.

- Good.

Hold on a second.

- You know he's gonna go

buy drugs with that or something.

- Yeah, well drugs or food.

Anyway, rule number two.

Avoid telephone numbers at all costs.

Do not ask for them and do not give them.

- How do I keep in touch with a woman

if I don't have her number?

- If a woman is interested,

she'll find a way to keep in contact with you.

- Men are the pursuers in a relationship.

- Okay look, I don't know what it was like

back in the 20s, but times have changed.

- Yeah well I don't know what it was like

back in the 20s either, wanker.

- Hey, how old are you anyway

if you don't mind me asking?

- No I don't mind you asking.

I'm none of your fucking business years old.

You like that.

- I love it.

- I'm talking your language now.

- Absolutely.

- Okay.

- All right.

You might actually be okay tonight, slugger.

All right, back to work.

Women are the aggressors now.

They call the shots, or at least they think they do.

Let them keep thinking that.

Rule number three.

Silence is your friend.

The more you talk, the more they hear.

The more they hear, the less there is for them to like.

Are you following?

- Yeah.

- Rule number four.

Follow my lead at all times.

Rule number five, I decide who your mark is.

You're in no condition to think for yourself tonight.

Rule number six, always have a drink in your hand.

Remember to drink one every half hour to stay loose.

Alcohol is metabolized by the body

approximately every hour.

Don't put yourself in a position

where you have no unmetabolized alcohol in your system.

- You're in trouble.

- Why?

- I'm a teetotaler.

- What?

- It means I don't drink.

- It means that you abstain completely

from intoxicating drinks

i.e., alcohol, I know what a teetotaler is.

How do you expect to be yourself

around women without alcohol?

Alcohol has been used as a social disinhibitor

for centuries, and you're going to come up

with a better system in one night?

- I'll figure it out.

- Figure it out?

You better figure it out.

Rule number seven, you're paying for drinks.

- What, all of them?

- It's not negotiable.

- I don't think that's really--

- And here we are.

♪ Time ♪

♪ We got all of the time ♪

♪ In the world to burn it up tonight ♪

♪ So we ♪

♪ Gonna do whatever we want ♪

♪ To light it up until the night gets bright ♪

♪ Who's gonna stop us ♪

- Wait right here for a second, okay?

♪ Stars all around us ♪

♪ Ain't no clouds in the clear black sky ♪

♪ Light it up, light it up ♪

- Shirley Temple please.

♪ Lights, lights, lights so bright ♪

♪ Burn it up, burn it up ♪

♪ Burn, burn, burn the night ♪

♪ Light it up, light it up ♪

♪ Light, light, light so bright ♪

- Oh, hello.

- You look lonely.

- I'm waiting for a friend.

- Mind if I keep you company until she gets back?

- It's a he.

- Is it?

- Yeah.

How are you tonight?

- Good, I'm good.

Are you gonna offer to buy a girl a drink?

- Yeah, sure.

Whatever you like.

- What can I get you?

- Jameson on the rocks.

- Strong drink.

- Strong girl.

- Yeah, apparently.

- You look very distinguished, almost regal.

You must be someone important.

Let me guess.

Are you a doctor?

- As a matter of fact, I am a doctor.

You're very good at this game.

- I'm good at a lot of games.

So what kind of doctor are you?

Plastic surgeon?

- No, no, no, no, I'm not that kind of doctor.

I'm a Professor of History, PhD.

Specializing in the first and second centuries.

- I thought you said you were a doctor.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm a doctor.

PhD is a doctor of philosophy.

- So you're the kind of doctor

who doesn't make any money

and can't actually help anybody.

- Yeah, I suppose, yeah.

I'm the kind of doctor that doesn't make any money

and can't actually help anybody.

- Hey.

- Who's your friend?

- No one.

Let's go.

- What about your drink?

- Drink up, Doc.

- What was that all about?

- I think I've just been shat upon.

- In a good way or a bad way?

- Oh, in a bad way.

- Well shake it off, we have work to do.

- Here, would you like a Jameson on the rocks?

This process of finding someone like this is humiliating,

this is utter opprobrium.

- Wait, we're just getting started.

- I don't know what I was thinking.

You know, it's trivial and inane.

- Is it?

To you maybe.

But to all these men and women

this is the most important thing in their existence.

This process is as old as time.

From a biological and social standpoint,

what's more crucial than what they're doing?

What they're looking and fighting for right now?

Besides, you're here too.

Remember that.

- All right.

What now?

- Now we choose a mark for you.

Let's scope out the prospects.

- Could we refer to them in more appropriate terms?

- Yes, of course.

Let's survey this room full of gentle noblewomen

and illustrious damsels of the court

in order that we might procure for--

- Okay, okay, okay, I get your point,

I get your point.

What about those women over there?

- Okay, stop pointing.

We're not in a bazaar haggling for goats, and no.

Those women are completely out of your league.

- Oh really?

And yours?

- Oh, not mine. They're smack dab

in the middle of my league.

- Well, ask them over.

Maybe one will take a liking to me.

- They literally won't even be able to see you, Peter.

Their eyes won't physically register to their brains

that you're present, trust me.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

And here we go.

Give me a hundred bucks.

- A hundred bucks, for what?

- For your love life, let's have it.

- What, you're gonna rustle up a group of women

with a hundred bucks, right?

- Something like that.

- So, you come here often?

- Um, no.

- Are you happy with your HTC?

- No.

- Is that Words With Friends?

- No it isn't.

- No? - No.

It's not.

- Yeah I was thinking about getting iPhone.

- Hey, what's your name?

- Abbey.

Why?

- Abbey, would you do me a huge favor?

I'm waiting for some friends

but there's a call I need to make.

Would you hold that booth right over there for me?

Just for a sec, I know it's a huge inconvenience.

Here's a hundred dollars for your time.

- Seriously?

- Yes.

- Just hold that booth for you?

- Just for a few minutes.

- And you wanna pay me a hundred dollars to do that?

- Unless you're willing to do it for free,

you'd save me a hundred bucks.

- No.

Give me the money.

- What's happening?

- We're waiting.

- What are we waiting for?

- The-- why are you whispering?

- I thought we were--

Why are we whispering and waiting?

What are we waiting for?

- We're waiting, not whispering.

Just, please.

- Why are we whispering and waiting?

- I don't know how I could possibly be clearer about this.

Please, stop whispering in my ear

and just wait.

- Abbey, what are you doing?

- This guy just gave me a hundred bucks

to hold this booth for him.

- Seriously?

- I know, right?

But here it is.

- I'm pretty sure we need to split that

three ways, hon.

- Screw that, this is my hundred bucks.

Sit down.

We can find another table when he gets back.

- Was he cute?

- Why would that be the first question

that you ask about him?

- Is that a no?

- Actually, he was pretty damn hot.

- Shotgun!

- You can't call shotgun on a guy like that.

- Fine, then dibs.

- That's just a skank move right there.

Abbey, am I right?

Can she just call dibs on a guy like that?

- You know the rules, it's bros before hos.

Don't hate the player,

hate the game, biatch.

- Does that even fit in this context?

Abbey, tell Chloe that she's abusing the rules

and invoking a rule that doesn't fit in this context.

And she's being a total skank right now.

- You're being a skank!

- You both are being ridiculous.

Are you actually fighting over a guy

you haven't even met yet?

- No.

- Okay, well it's stupid

because he wasn't that good looking.

- Ready to head over?

- Over where?

- Where a group of women are waiting for you

to sweep them off their feet.

Ladies, thank you so much,

we really do appreciate it.

What were your names?

- Pretty sure I already told you my name, stud.

- I was referring to your friends.

How could I forget you, Abbey?

- Good memory, I'm impressed.

- I try.

- I'm Maryanna.

- Chloe.

- A pleasure to meet you ladies.

Let us buy you a drink for helping us out.

- No, that's okay.

We're actually on our way out. - Abbey!

Let the man properly thank us.

Right, Chloe?

- So that's a yes?

What are you drinking?

- I'll take a Manhattan.

- Nice.

- A gin and tonic.

- Oh, look out.

This woman means business.

- This woman means business indeed!

- And you, Abbey?

- I'll just have a Shirley Temple.

Someone should probably be able to see straight tonight,

don't you think?

- Abbey. - Yeah, maybe?

- I like how this girl thinks.

Two Shirley Temples, thank you.

- Two Shirley Temples then.

A Manhattan, a gin and tonic, and I'll figure mine out

on the way.

We have our orders?

- Indeed we do.

- Oh my god, he is so hot.

- I want him.

- I don't know.

He seems a little too smooth.

He's gotta be a player.

- Whatever he's playing is exactly the kind of game

I need to be involved with

at this point of my young life.

- The older guy was kinda cute, don't you think?

- Ew, daddy issues?

- Leave Electra alone, I see what she means.

- Yeah.

- He is kinda cute in a way.

What's the oldest guy you've ever been with?

- Like 40.

Like a couple years older than that guy.

- Hold on, you thought he was a couple years

younger than 40?

- Yeah, like 38?

What, like 40?

- 40?

40?

Him, 40?

- 40 what?

- Dollars.

If we can guess what you guys do.

- I like it, okay.

Shoot.

Let me give you a hint.

We're professional liars.

- Oh, so you're men.

- Lawyers.

- Nice.

First guess, I'm impressed.

My friend here is a senior partner at my firm

and I'm trying to make junior partner,

hence taking him out on the town and corrupting him.

- So cute.

- Well, a deal's a deal. Pay the woman.

An extra 10 for a beautiful smile.

- Oh. - Aw.

- What was your name, by the way?

- Boyle.

Peter Boyle.

- Like the actor?

- There's an actor named Peter Boyle?

- Whose name's Peter Boyle?

- His.

- Like the actor?

- No, like the writer.

- There's a writer named Peter Boyle?

- Yeah, yeah me.

- You write too?

- Yeah, I...

On the side.

- I love your accent.

Where are you from?

- Australia.

- G'day, mate.

- No, don't do it.

- Throw another shrimp on the barbie!

- Oh, Foster's, Australian for beer.

- So good.

- Right, huh?

- Excuse me.

- I liked yours.

- Yours was better.

Yours was so good!

- I'm not well familiar

with the continent of, what is it,

it's a continent, right?

Or is it like Australasia.

- It's like on the map.

Oceania.

I couldn't tell the difference

between you two

and this guy. - I've never even been

to Australia.

- Really?

- Oh, oh.

- I'm actually very impressed.

- I've only watched movies.

- Well, it did the trick.

- I watch lots of movies. - Please don't encourage it.

Yeah, watch movies.

Is that how you learned the accent?

- Yeah it was right there.

- No.

Don't tell them that. - It's so good.

- Don't tell them that.

- Thank you, I love accents. - So bad, it wasn't.

It wasn't, he's lying, you know.

- What?

- I don't know where this guy went

but give me just a sec, let me find out, okay?

- Hurry back.

- So that was really embarrassing.

Thanks, guys.

- What is your problem? - Abbey!

You really need to drink more.

- No you really need to not. - I know, here,

have some of my Manhattan.

- Yeah. - I don't want it,

I don't want it. - You need to relax.

Loosen up. - I have a Shirley Temple.

- There's no sugar in this. - I have a Shirley Temple.

- Yeah, it's 'cause of sugar.

That's why you're so tense. - I'm not tense.

- She always gets that way, right?

- What are you doing?

- I am closing out my tab.

- Why?

- Oh, come on.

Those girls have got a combined IQ of a q-tip!

- Oh so it was their IQs

that you were staring at back there.

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that we were here for IQs,

I thought we were here for women.

We're here for IQs, got it.

That gentleman at the bar looks smart.

You wanna go talk to him?

Or the other heavyset gentleman sitting there at the table.

He looks intelligent.

Gotta be 140, 150 easy.

- Yeah, all right, I get your point.

- What were you hoping to find here?

A Nobel laureate, an astrophysicist?

Oh, Sonia Sotomayor?

That crew doesn't show up till after midnight usually.

Look, just give 'em a chance, okay?

Abbey looks like more of a reader than her friends anyway.

She's more your speed.

The other two might give you a heart attack.

- Oh, very funny.

- How was that embarrassing?

- It was embarrassing because

you do this every time - You did amazing.

- we go out. - Thank you.

I thought yours was great. - It's always a different

accent every time.

- She doesn't even

give us a chance. - What are you talking about?

Just 'cause you can't do an Australian accent.

- I can do an Australian accent.

- It's all that sugar. - Don't even listen to her.

Yours was great. - It's ridiculous.

- Where'd you guys go?

- We wanted to make sure the waitress knew

to check on our drinks.

And while we were up there

we had a gentleman's disagreement

that we're hoping you can help settle for us.

- Oh, and what was that?

- Well my friend here has a somewhat

old-fashioned point of view.

He believes that men and women are like birds,

Emperor Penguins or doves,

and that we are meant to mate for life.

To be monogamous and faithful, not as a lifestyle choice

but as the execution of our very natures.

And I contend that the human species

was never designed for monogamy.

Don't get me wrong, it works for some, and that's fine but

the human animal simply isn't designed for it.

- That's such bullshit.

- I don't know.

I think he's got a point about

not being designed for it.

- Yeah, otherwise, how can you explain monks,

nuns, and Carrie Bradshaw?

- Don't encourage that kind of,

don't encourage that kind of male-chauvinistic thinking.

It's bullshit.

- It may be bullshit, but,

it's good-sounding bullshit.

- That's the worst kind.

- Well I wanna hear where he goes with this.

- Thank you, Maryanna.

Is it chauvinistic?

Honestly I think women are just as

genetically hardwired as men.

To have multiple relationships in their lifetimes

with no lifelong commitment in sight.

There's nothing wrong with commitment,

but biologically, it's meant to be taken in small doses.

The seven year itch is an actual

hormonally driven phenomenon.

- As is the idea and institution of commitment.

Marriage at modest estimates goes back

at least 4,000 years.

Evidence of men and women living in monogamous unions,

we find it in Mesopotamian archeological digs

dating back to 2350 BCE.

You know, it was a widely embraced process.

The Hebrews, the Greeks, the Romans.

- Strong point.

- I mean, hey birds.

Yeah birds are an ideal example.

90 percent of bird species are socially monogamous.

And their offspring are far more successful

when both the male and the female provide the food sources.

- Okay.

But take our biology.

Human biology.

Men are capable of siring hundreds

if not thousands of offspring.

- Sounds like my ex-boyfriend.

- That's good.

Ex-boyfriend.

Women for their part are technically capable

of having as many as 30 offspring in a lifetime.

And not only that, but women,

contrary to popular belief

are more visually and socially attuned than men.

Your eye is drawn to the tallest, strongest,

best-looking, most authoritative man in the room,

the one who shows the most reproductive advantage,

the greatest social utility.

You, your gender, selects for these things.

We poor men, we're not the choosers.

You are.

In fact, you actually make monogamy impossible

- We make monogamy impossible?

That's unbelievable.

Are you guys actually hearing this?

No, you're just looking, just looking.

- To use another bird analogy.

Men are like peacocks.

Proudly displaying our feathers for you,

fighting with one another to prove our worth,

and in the end you choose one of us.

But then you continue to choose

based on our displayed advantages, our social utility.

We lose a few feathers,

our strut becomes a little slipshod,

and you're off trying to find a better bird.

Cleopatra, Dido, the goddesses of the Greek Pantheon,

Queen Elizabeth, the polyandrous tribes of Africa.

Women have always, and continue to select,

preferring advantage to the romantic concept

of monogamous relationships.

Battle of the sexes?

Yeah, okay.

But don't kid yourselves, ladies and gentleman.

It's a war.

But you have night vision goggles

and nuclear warheads.

And all we have are sticks and stones.

Ladies, men would love monogamy in theory.

But you make that impossible by your very natures.

Your double X chromosomes

encode for polyamory, not monogamy.

- Our chromosomes, really?

- Absolutely.

But listen, social evolution has taken us to this point

as much as biological evolution.

Your gender is more in control than ever.

Greater college graduation rates? Done.

Greater graduate degrees? Done.

Greater pay in the workplace? Not quite.

Not quite, but we're getting there, right?

Right?

Yeah, we're getting there.

Sexual freedom, done and done many times over.

Have you seen a Victoria's Secret ad lately?

Do you think women are drooling over guys

in skimpy boxers en masse

anywhere in the world

the way men do every time we see a billboard

or a magazine advertisement?

Ladies, we're helpless at the very sight of you.

We men are at your mercy, many, many times over.

Have been for a very long while.

You're waging a war

that you've already won long, long ago.

- My god.

- Oh.

- Practice that much?

- Once or twice.

Can you tell?

- Yeah, it's very good.

Almost convincing.

- Well, it wasn't my best work.

I feel like I rushed the battle of the sexes part.

- You did, you did.

I've heard worse.

He's a little more sophisticated

than the other guys who have hit on us tonight.

- Whoah! Whoah!

Hit on you? Ladies!

We're simply trying to find discerning, intelligent women

to help us settle a gentleman's disagreement.

- Oh, he's good.

- Closing argument, counselor?

The decency of the male gender hangs in the balance.

- Okay, here goes.

The levels of depression are lower

in married individuals.

Health benefits abound.

General happiness with life.

Sexual activity remains high with increasing age.

Psychological stability is higher.

Then that's to say nothing about the long-term benefits of

life planning with one partner.

- Are you married?

- I was for a long time.

- And is it really like that?

Like how you're describing it?

- Yeah, well, it,

it's like two cooks being asked to cook a meal

without any ingredients or any utensils,

or less comfortable clothing too.

It seems like hell at first and it is

but it's a beautiful hell.

- Oh.

- A beautiful hell.

Is there such a thing?

- Aw.

Did someone break your heart once?

- That's my whole point.

We men are the weaker sex.

We're just following your lead in this whole

anti-monogamy thing, doing our best to keep up.

- Well, I agree that men are the weaker sex.

- Yeah, especially my ex-boyfriend.

- Well I don't think there is a weaker sex.

I think that all of this is just some pseudo

psycho babble to get into women's pants.

- Abbey.

- It's kind of working for me right now.

- Ah! me too.

- I still believe there's a place for romance

and monogamy.

I agree with Peter.

- It's the one thing

that will keep you sane in this world.

It's a shard of beauty amidst the chaos.

- I believed in the tooth fairy once.

It made a lot of sense at the time, I suppose.

- It doesn't matter what you believe in.

Okay, it's the believing that matters.

You hold on to it for as long as you can.

- Sometimes it's just as important to know

when to let go.

- I need the ladies room.

Come with me?

Right now?

- Right now?

- Yeah, right now.

No, we're actually gonna go to the ladies room.

Come on.

Let's give the boys some alone time

to decide who won their gentleman's disagreement.

- What in the hell are you doing?

- What are you talking about?

- Don't talk about yourself.

"Beautiful hell." What were you thinking?

Do you think all that talk about monogamy

is going to convince one of these women

to throw off her inhibitions

and go home with you tonight?

- We were getting acquainted.

They wanted to know about me.

- They don't want to know about you.

They don't want to know about me.

- Well what do they wanna know about?

- They wanna know about themselves!

- I thought it was going well.

- It was.

Until you dove into the virtues of marriage

and zoned out like Donnie Darko.

- Who?

- They're getting bored.

There's no more cardinal sin than being boring.

This is a dogfight, a war!

Not a tea party.

You'll be lucky if they come back.

- I have to be the ideal version of myself

or something, right?

- "Ideal version of yourself"?

What makes you think you have

an ideal version of yourself?

- Well what do we want to talk about?

- I told you, them, them, always them!

- And then what?

- More of them!

Don't talk about your life, your work,

and certainly not your failed marriage!

Nobody came here for that.

Definitely not them.

- Fine, I get it!

- I hope you do.

- We're back.

Feels a little intense.

What were you guys talking about?

- You ladies.

- Right, well.

About us ladies,

we just wanted to thank you for the drinks

and the conversation, but,

we should really get going now, so.

- One more drink.

I really have to get going.

And we came together, so we're gonna leave together.

It's like in the girl handbook.

- I read that once.

Watched Oprah for a week straight

and couldn't stop doing hot yoga.

- Anyway.

Thank you, it was good meeting you.

Have a good night.

- Hey.

Unless you're all going to the same place,

why doesn't Peter here make sure

that you get home safely, Abbey?

And I can get Chloe and Maryanna home.

I promise to get them into bed before their bedtime.

- I guess that could work.

If Peter's up for being dragged across town.

- Peter?

- Thank you, but no, Abbey.

It is getting late.

I could pay for your cab fare.

- No.

No, that's okay.

It's a pleasure meeting you, Peter Boyle.

- The pleasure was all mine, Abbey.

- We could still use a ride home

if you're up for it.

- I would love to but the firm will literally kill me

if I don't make sure that this guy gets to the office

in one piece tomorrow morning.

- You heard the man, ladies.

Let's go.

Cold showers await.

- Oh you've got to be kidding me.

- No, no, that felt wrong.

She reminds me of someone.

- And that's a bad thing?

I gotta ask, who?

- I don't wanna talk about it.

- How about a better why?

- She's young enough to be my granddaughter.

I am out here tonight looking for a woman.

I am not out here tonight looking for a girl.

- You are making my job

much, much more difficult than it needs to be.

I have a flight to catch in the morning.

And it would be nice

if we could wrap this up sometime tonight.

It's okay.

Walk it off, Professor.

Everybody strikes out the first time.

Let's get out of here.

- Okay, where are we going?

- Greener pastures.

All right, head in the game, Professor.

This place is going to be a little livelier.

Just remember what we learned this last time through

and please take a woman home

if she's staring at you like that.

- Fine!

- Thank you, I swear I've never worked this hard

trying to get somebody else laid.

- Oh, it must be terrible for you.

- I bear my burdens lightly.

What are you doing?

- I'm waiting in line.

- For what, to get in?

- Yeah.

- What are you from Venus?

Come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

- Gentlemen! - What's up, Roy?

good to see you.

- Have fun, man.

- Oh my god!

- God!

- What are you doing here?

- Do we know each other?

- Professor Boyle, it's me, Charlie.

Charlie Westfield.

I took like five classes from you

freshman and sophomore year until I decided

to switch majors.

- Oh!

Oh my god.

- It's so great to see you.

- And it's good to see you too, Charlie.

- This is like a fantasy I used to have about you.

I didn't know you liked to party.

- Look, I'm here with a friend.

I'm here with a friend, Charlie.

Charlie, I am here with a friend.

- I'm so drunk, Professor Boyle.

- I can see that, Charlie.

Look.

I need to find my friend, all right?

I lost him.

Look, Charlie.

- Will you have a drink with me, Professor?

- I don't think that would be a good idea, Charlie,

but it's really sweet of you to ask, okay?

- Have a drink with me, Professor.

- Charlie.

I don't drink.

I haven't for a long time, okay?

Look.

I need to find my friend, all right?

Mhmm, mhmm, are you listening?

Hey, how about this, okay?

You go help me find my friend.

Tall, good-looking Asian man in a really nice suit, okay?

You go help, you go find him, okay, please?

- Okay.

But then I'm going to come and find you

and make you have a drink with me.

- Good, thank you.

It's really, really nice to see you.

- Hey!

You looking for your granddaughter in here?

- Can I bother you for one of those?

Thank you.

- What up, brother?

Give us a second.

I got to talk to my man here.

Ouch.

- Good news is, now if we're actually together,

people might pay attention to your ugly ass.

- You look like shit, man.

- You should see the other guy.

- Who was it?

- Fred.

- Oh, that old bastard?

He looks like he could pack a punch.

- Because he does.

- Look, man, I'm sorry it happened.

Isabelle can be a spiteful bitch

but this shit, totally uncalled for.

How do you feel?

- Been better.

But I got some drugs out of it.

- What kind?

Nice, let me see that.

You probably can't feel a thing, can you?

I'm testing a few to make sure they're not poison.

I don't want my boy going down like that.

- She your tail for the night?

- No, it's my night off, man.

- Only guy I know who'd come to work on his night off.

- You know what we do, it's trim.

You call that work?

- Well somebody's gotta do it, right?

- Look, the world's going to shit.

They keep making beautiful women,

what does that got to tell you about the universe?

What the hell are you doing here?

- Isabelle sent me on one last job.

- Harsh.

She beats your ass and makes you go to work.

What a bitch.

- You surprised?

- Guess she's back to old tricks, pun intended.

But Isabelle's little niece,

that's a fine piece of 23-year-old ass.

Gabrielle, right?

I'd take a beating to tap that.

In fact, I've taken a few lumps in my day

under somewhat similar circumstances.

- What did you say?

- Isabelle freaked because, you know,

you were tapping her niece.

I mean everyone heard.

- No.

No one heard about why.

- Shit man, I heard it from somewhere, I don't know.

- Did you?

- Hey, I never said anything to Isabelle--

- You wouldn't...

- You gotta know, it tore me apart, man.

I think of you like a brother.

Think this was an easy decision for me?

Pull focus for one second,

think about how I feel, how I felt.

Isabelle was passing you all the best shit, wasn't she?

Yeah, she was passing you the best shit.

Don't take it personal, it's just work, all right?

No hard feelings.

- I'm gonna go.

But I want you to know, the next time I see you

I'm gonna beat the living shit out of you.

- I really hope it doesn't come down to that

but I'm rarely in New York anyway, so...

Tell the bartender I'll grab your tab.

All right, get whatever you want.

Grab yourself a meal, whatever.

I hate flying on an empty stomach.

But maybe that's just me.

Later, dude.

- Oh.

- Peter!

Is that you?

- Jeffrey, Helena, what the?

What are you doing out at this hour?

- We were just about to ask you the same thing.

- We had dinner at this remarkable Tuscan Trattoria.

And then went to our favorite patisserie.

Well, we lost track of time

and had to walk off the wine a bit before going home.

And you?

- I'm out with a friend

and decided to walk home.

- Were you in that nightclub?

- Nightclub?

Oh no, I just stopped for a rest.

Is that a night club?

It's a nightclub, right.

That's a nightclub, yeah.

They pop up in the most remarkable places, don't they?

- You said you had a friend with you.

- Yeah, yeah.

He's gone home.

We parted ways at the restaurant.

- And you've been walking since dinner?

- Yeah, it was a late meal.

- Listen, old friend,

we want to apologize for not seeing each other more since,

well, you know.

- It's quite all right, Jeffrey,

it's quite all right.

- No, it's not.

Well the truth be known, we weren't certain

how to be there for you.

For that, and...

for the lack of effort despite our uncertainty,

we have been horrible friends to you.

A newly published novel is no excuse on my part.

I mean you of all people should know

how busy things get with editors and such.

Even though it has been sometime

since you've published anything.

Well, that's neither here nor there.

- But we are sorry.

- Yeah.

- Won't you join us for dinner sometime?

- Yeah, do.

And since you've returned to teaching,

I'd love to hear about some of the classes you've taken on.

Have you resumed writing as well?

- I've had some ideas.

But to be honest.

- Hey So Cal.

What are you doing? - I'm having trouble

finding inspiration.

- It's cold as balls out here.

I could cut glass... What?

No, I'll meet you guys there.

- But you know, inspiration.

- Get over here, fancy face. - Will come eventually.

Always does, doesn't it?

- I'm gonna stay

and have a drink with Professor Boyle.

What? - Right now I'm,

- Behind you, Char Char!

- Concentrating on classes, really, you know?

- Great to see you, Peter.

- Good to see you too.

- We should really get going.

- You wanna get that drink now?

- What are you doing here, old man?

- Hey, you all right, old man?

- You awake, Professor?

I've been looking all over for you.

Take a little nap? Was that good?

All rested up and ready to go, I take it?

It's showtime, cowboy.

And I see you relaxed your rule on drinking,

that's good to see.

Someone I want you to meet.

- Hi.

You're even more handsome than I expected.

- Who is she?

- Just a friend of mine.

I thought you two might hit it off.

- Friend?

She a professional?

- Aren't we all?

- I asked you a question!

- Take it easy, this is a beautiful woman

who wants to have a drink with you

and talk for a bit,

what more do you need to know?

- Don't talk to me like I'm a child!

I told you what I wanted.

And this isn't it!

A whore for the evening!

Pay as you go!

- Chantelle, just give us a second.

You're drunk and you're embarrassing yourself.

We all pay for sex,

some of us are just more honest about the price.

- Don't you talk down to me.

Do you have any idea what I've achieved in my life?

Do you have any idea of the perfection

I had in my life?

Where's my queen?

- You're not making any sense, Peter, just relax.

- Don't tell me to relax!

You don't tell me what to do, all right?

- Okay let's cool it on the drinks.

- You don't tell me what to do.

You say and do what I tell you to say and do, all right?!

- Let's stop with the pointing.

- Nothing more!

- Let's stop with the pointing of the fingers.

Let's cool it on the drinks,

cool it on the yelling, okay?

Just relax.

- I instruct you!

I am your employer!

I tell you what to do.

- Okay, take your finger out of my face and just--

- I am your employer.

- Stop with the finger.

- I-- - Okay, you know what?

What's wrong with you?!

- Just leave me alone! - Hey, hey!

Leave this guy alone, okay?

- You know what, Junior?

Grownups are talking here.

Take a hike.

- Come on, Peter.

- Argh!

You gonna punch me in my ear

when I'm not looking?

- You can either walk out of here

or you can be carried out of here.

- Yeah.

- You're gonna carry me out of here?

- Lose your buddy?

- Hey, it's the Escort!

You want a drink?

Or are you back for the money?

- I don't care about the money.

I'm here to take you home.

- That's all right, sport.

Charlie's got this covered.

- Hey!

Hey.

Relax.

- Okay, this is...

Peter, let's go.

- I'm not going anywhere.

Ow!

Charlie bit me!

And it hurts.

And it's still hurting.

- I'm sorry, Professor Boyle.

- Do it again.

- Okay, this is ridiculous.

Come on, let's go, come on, come on.

- There is nothing you can do

that's gonna make me get out of this club, all right?

- Peter.

It's like three o'clock in the morning.

I'm tired and I know you are too.

Let's get you home.

- No, I'm not going home.

Where did you get that?

- It was in your hands when you passed out

and I found it.

- You don't know anything about me.

- I know enough to know that you're one of the good ones

and I shouldn't have brought you out here

in the first place.

So now I'm taking you home.

- I'm not going home.

There's nothing you can do.

Give it to me! - No.

- Give it to me! - No.

- Curious thing, isn't it?

The human heart.

It's impossible to control,

difficult to ignore,

and prone to such precious pain.

And all of it, the whole sweet mess,

is over far too quickly!

- Shall we?

- I never thought you'd ask.

Thank you.

- You pack a punch, Professor.

♪ The song in my head ♪

♪ Reminds me of you ♪

♪ I hear the echoes of your favorite tunes ♪

♪ Takes me back ♪

♪ Though I don't feel no pain ♪

♪ Tried so hard but where's the gain ♪

♪ Sad to say ♪

♪ I know why ♪

♪ I'm flying high ♪

♪ I'm tempted to cry ♪

♪ Oh why, I ♪

♪ O-Oh why ♪

♪ Sad to say ♪

♪ I know why ♪

♪ Oh why ♪

♪ I'm flying high ♪

♪ I'm tempted to cry ♪

♪ Oh why, I ♪

♪ O-Oh why ♪

♪ Sad to say ♪

♪ I know why ♪

♪ Oh why ♪

- Good morning.

I hope you feel better than I look.

- No such luck, I'm afraid.

- My mouth tastes like the bottom

of a Cockey's cage.

- I have no idea what that means.

- You don't want to.

- I'll take your word for it.

- How much do you remember from last night?

- Too much. You?

- Oh, a lot more than that.

I wanna apologize for--

- Me too.

- Yeah.

Let me ask you something.

Of all the women we met last night,

and there were some absolute breathtakers,

you didn't raise your eyebrow to one of them.

Not one.

And you had them eating out of the palm of your hand.

- Not hearing a question, Professor.

- Well, you're a man.

- Last time I checked.

- And you're young.

- Right again.

- And you got blood pumping through your veins.

- Mhmm.

- We'll from my experience,

there's only one reason why a man

wouldn't take advantage of that sort of effect.

A woman.

One woman.

Hmm?

- Yeah.

- And you were running around all night

trying to charge your cellphone

hoping I assume that you were getting a call.

Or wanted to make one.

- Good observations, Professor.

But, you think an evening out means that you know me?

- No, I don't know you.

But I know me.

I know I felt that way 40 years ago

right up until our separation.

And after that.

Even now.

I was with Elizabeth when she died.

The best part of me died with her.

It killed me.

And I haven't been the same since

and I haven't felt the same since.

I was the man I was meant to be with her.

I was that man for 40 years.

And now I don't know who I am.

- Maybe you're still the same man.

- Maybe.

I miss my wife.

You know, there's life before and there's life after.

And this is after.

You gotta believe in something.

- Do I?

- You're young and stupid.

You'll realize I'm telling the truth when you're older.

But in the meantime, you've gotta believe in something.

And when you're there, when you have that

you'll realize that you're safe.

And you hang onto it for as long as you can.

You gotta let go of what hurts

and hold on to what matters.

- Let go of what hurts,

hold on to what matters, huh?

- Indeed.

Don't you have a flight to catch?

- Not anymore.

I was right the first time, Professor.

You are one of the good ones.

- So are you.

You just don't know it yet.

Money's on the coffee table.

What's your bloody name anyway?

- Does it matter?

- I suppose not.

Guess if a guy's interested,

he'll find a way of keeping in touch.

- Have a good day, Professor.

- Take care of yourself.

♪ You are on the other side of the world ♪

♪ But I'm falling still ♪

♪ Consistently falling into this word ♪

♪ We call love ♪

♪ And when you went so far away ♪

♪ You brought with you my heart ♪

♪ And in your journey I hope you will protect ♪

♪ So fare thee well ♪

♪ Fare thee well ♪

♪ God bless your travels ♪

♪ That's my prayer ♪

♪ And hope Fare thee well ♪

♪ Come back safe and ♪

♪ Bring my heart back home ♪

♪ Back home ♪

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