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1
00:00:23,941 --> 00:00:25,525
MAN: Let's call
American Express.
You lost your card,
2
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,777
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
And you don't know
what the number of it is.
3
00:00:27,861 --> 00:00:28,986
GEORGE: That's
a great one.
4
00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:30,071
MAN: Do the old lady.
5
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,407
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
I lost my card.
6
00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:33,533
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
7
00:00:33,617 --> 00:00:35,493
WOMAN: Your...
Your accent went in
and out on you sometimes.
8
00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:36,869
GEORGE: I went
southern and then...
9
00:00:36,954 --> 00:00:38,454
ON PHONE: American Express.
I'm Danille,
how may I help you?
10
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:40,707
GEORGE: (IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
I certainly need
some assistance.
11
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:44,127
I'm sorry to call you
in such a frenzy,
12
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:48,381
but I'm very shook up.
I got my American
Express card stolen.
13
00:00:49,174 --> 00:00:51,175
WOMAN: Okay, can I have
your last name, please?
14
00:00:51,260 --> 00:00:52,260
GEORGE: Yes.
15
00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:54,053
What's your last name?
16
00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:55,221
Right.
17
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:58,099
Okay, can you give me
your name so I can
look up your account?
18
00:00:58,183 --> 00:00:59,225
Yes. Helen.
19
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:00,685
What's your
last name, please?
20
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:01,978
Easafawn.
21
00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:03,938
What?
22
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,022
(WOMAN SNICKERS)
23
00:01:05,107 --> 00:01:07,900
Helen Easafawn.
24
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:10,611
E-A
25
00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:15,992
S-A-fawn.
26
00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:19,245
ON PHONE: Jerry's Famous Deli.
This is Cindy. May I help you?
27
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:22,999
Hi. I have no legs.
May I speak to the manager?
28
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:24,250
(RECEIVER CLICKS)
29
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:25,835
(MAN LAUGHING)
30
00:01:26,670 --> 00:01:31,591
Now, if I get a bill
and it's something,
like, for...
31
00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:33,092
(STUTTERING)
32
00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:36,262
(ALL SNICKER)
33
00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:41,684
But two times in a row I eat
the damn roast beef and I'm...
34
00:01:42,686 --> 00:01:46,272
I can't stop
going to the bathroom!
35
00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:49,066
MAN: Well, I'm sorry,
but there's nothing
I can do for you.
36
00:01:49,151 --> 00:01:50,401
MAN: Ma?
37
00:01:51,153 --> 00:01:53,321
And my son
thinks I'm crazy.
38
00:01:53,405 --> 00:01:54,822
Ma, who you calling?
39
00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:57,074
It's Jerry's.
And don't tell me
not to call them.
40
00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:59,243
Jesus Christ, get off
the fucking phone!
41
00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:00,286
Don't talk
to me that way!
42
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:02,288
Get off the
fucking phone!
43
00:02:02,372 --> 00:02:03,372
What's going on?
44
00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:04,749
MAN: Same
thing as the last time.
45
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,125
Did she... What'd
she call you about?
46
00:02:06,210 --> 00:02:07,376
The roast beef?
Yes.
47
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,462
All right, she just
puked in the kitchen.
48
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,923
That's all right.
I suggested that she
doesn't eat roast beef
49
00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,925
if it doesn't
agree with her.
50
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,385
(WOMAN SNICKERING)
51
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:23,309
I... I appreciate
your suggestions,
but I love roast beef.
52
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:24,894
It's delicious!
53
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,063
MAN: Go clean
up the mess!
54
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:30,399
(CRYING) I can't.
Get off of me!
55
00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:32,318
You son of a bitch!
56
00:02:32,402 --> 00:02:33,903
(ALL SNICKERING)
57
00:02:34,238 --> 00:02:36,030
(DIAL TONE)
58
00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:37,990
(ALL LAUGHING)
59
00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:19,115
George?
60
00:03:25,789 --> 00:03:27,039
GIRL: Hi,
Mr. Simmons.
61
00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:28,416
Ladies.
62
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:32,920
George Simmons, man!
Can I get a picture?
63
00:03:33,297 --> 00:03:35,840
Yeah, yeah. You got it ready?
All right, hit me,
baby, all right.
64
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,800
Get a little
tittie in there.
Come on.
65
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:39,302
How are you?
You're really funny.
66
00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:40,970
Thank you.
You're funnier.
67
00:03:41,138 --> 00:03:42,847
(SPEAKS GIBBERISH COMICALLY)
68
00:03:43,682 --> 00:03:44,807
Hello.
Hi!
69
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,475
Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
Hey, what's up?
70
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,060
GEORGE: Hey.
How are you?
71
00:04:02,034 --> 00:04:03,576
Hey, handsome.
Doctor.
72
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:04,619
How are you, kid?
73
00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:05,703
How are you, baby?
74
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:07,413
(CLEARS THROAT)
75
00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:09,040
The Lunestas
are working, baby.
76
00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:11,417
Those are smooth.
No hangover.
77
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:16,172
Fall asleep, bam.
Fucking what was
the deal with the Restorils?
78
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:19,884
Why did you give me those?
You trying to fuck
with me or something?
79
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:23,596
George, we got the results
back from the follow-up
of your blood count
80
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,307
and it's not
what we hoped for.
81
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:30,061
As I mentioned earlier,
the CBC was abnormal.
82
00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:34,941
Your white blood cells
were four times the size
that they should be.
83
00:04:35,025 --> 00:04:38,819
And very low hemoglobin,
seven grams per deciliter.
84
00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:40,988
I don't understand
what you're saying right now.
85
00:04:41,073 --> 00:04:43,616
Can you speak
how people speak?
86
00:04:44,201 --> 00:04:47,119
You have a very
serious disease.
It's called AML.
87
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:51,916
It's a form of leukemia
and I can't predict
how this will play out,
88
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:55,628
but I feel you have
a rough road ahead of you.
89
00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,177
That's George Simmons,
right here.
90
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,595
George! George!
George Simmons!
91
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,098
Hey, man!
How, how you doing, man?
I'm a big fan of yours.
92
00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,891
(INAUDIBLE)
93
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:31,330
I'm sorry to say
we're past the point
where traditional structures
94
00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:35,084
like chemotherapy
and radiation would
be effective at all.
95
00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:39,797
DR. STEVENS: And I think
it's best for us to pursue
an experimental course.
96
00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:46,637
CHUCK: Here you go, ma'am.
Your tamales.
97
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,180
Thanks for shopping
at Otto's.
Yo, Chuck,
98
00:05:48,807 --> 00:05:50,891
I'm going up at the
Comedy & Magic Club
doing stand-up.
99
00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,184
You should
come watch me.
100
00:05:52,269 --> 00:05:54,770
Don't let him
suck you in.
He's not funny.
101
00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:57,481
Nah, he's right, man.
No way, man.
That shit was painful.
102
00:05:57,566 --> 00:05:59,567
I mean,
it was hard watching
you suffer up there.
103
00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:01,318
I had fucking
nightmares after that.
104
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:02,862
That was a long time ago.
That was months ago.
105
00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:04,155
I've gotten a lot
funnier since then.
106
00:06:04,239 --> 00:06:05,364
Then you bored
my wife to sleep.
107
00:06:05,449 --> 00:06:06,824
I couldn't get
no pussy
that night, man.
108
00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:09,410
Don't blame me
for your pussy issues.
109
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,037
Are they gonna pay you?
Pay me? No!
110
00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:13,039
That's just how it starts.
You don't get paid
in the beginning.
111
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,249
You gotta, you know,
work your way up
through the ranks.
112
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,209
My nigger,
how the fuck you
in show business
113
00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:18,711
when you got no
business to show?
114
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:20,046
I'm supposed
to be writing jokes.
115
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:21,380
I'm supposed
to be doing comedy.
116
00:06:21,465 --> 00:06:23,632
I'm not supposed to be
making macaroni salad.
117
00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:26,427
I hate it, man.
It's depressing.
Otto's sucks!
118
00:06:26,511 --> 00:06:28,637
You don't know about
no motherfucking
hard time, man.
119
00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:31,932
I'm a ex-convict, man.
Otto's the only place
that would hire me.
120
00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,142
You too good
for Otto's now?
121
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:34,560
I'm not too
good for it.
122
00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:36,562
I just don't...
It's not for me,
you know, I'm sorry.
123
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:38,522
See that bridge?
1,200 bucks.
124
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:39,607
Okay.
125
00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:42,401
On the house, man!
Otto, man!
Otto's my lotto.
126
00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:45,070
Come on, man, look.
I can't work here
anymore, all right?
127
00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,822
What, you gonna be on TV
or some shit like that?
128
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:48,824
I am gonna be on TV.
The chunky guy
on Survivor or some shit?
129
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,367
No, I'm gonna
be like Seinfeld.
130
00:06:50,452 --> 00:06:52,203
Get the fuck
out of here, man!
131
00:06:52,621 --> 00:06:53,579
You ain't gonna
be like Seinfeld.
132
00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:55,664
Seinfeld's my
motherfucking man!
133
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:57,082
Now Kramer,
134
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,877
Kramer gets a pass from me
'cause Kramer's my nigger.
135
00:06:59,961 --> 00:07:02,004
Well, very
forgiving of you.
136
00:07:02,088 --> 00:07:04,256
Look, as a friend, man,
let me tell you something.
137
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:05,800
You're not funny.
I think I'm funny.
138
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:08,052
I got new jokes, man,
and they're good.
139
00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:09,303
Let me hear one
of your new jokes.
140
00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:11,430
Okay, I got one like,
141
00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:14,016
I'm really good
at Guitar Hero,
you know, on PlayStation,
142
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,811
and I was so good at it,
I thought, like, "Maybe
I should get a guitar."
143
00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:18,813
Then I thought like,
"I'm really good at
Grand Theft Auto,
144
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:20,815
"maybe I should start
beating up hookers."
145
00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:23,150
Okay, that got me.
That was humorous.
146
00:07:23,235 --> 00:07:24,568
I thought
you'd like that.
147
00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:26,028
But, yo, I ain't
got no dough, man.
148
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,446
For real, if I had
some dough, I would go.
149
00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:28,531
I'll pay your
cover charge.
150
00:07:28,615 --> 00:07:30,616
That's the night
I take my wife out also,
151
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:32,409
so you gotta pay
for my bitch, too.
152
00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:34,787
Okay, I'll do it. Okay.
If you come and laugh.
Laugh loud.
153
00:07:34,871 --> 00:07:35,871
(LAUGHS)
154
00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:36,997
Like that?
That's good. Perfect.
155
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,082
I'll see you
Saturday then.
156
00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,166
Okay, good.
Thank you.
157
00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:41,502
Craig, listen to me.
I'm doing the best
I can, okay?
158
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:46,173
I wiped your ass
our entire childhood.
Now it's your turn, buddy!
159
00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:48,467
Well, you're the one
that asked the wizard
to make you young again.
160
00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:49,927
I didn't mean
this young!
161
00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:51,470
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
162
00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,347
Last time I had a suit on,
at my bar mitzvah.
163
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,140
My bar mitzvah,
it was the last...
164
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,892
And now I got the same suit.
It's the same suit.
165
00:07:57,143 --> 00:08:00,354
I think it looks good.
The bar mitzvah was
a good day in my life.
166
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:02,815
I made more money
that day than I think
I'll ever make again.
167
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:03,899
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
168
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:07,152
You know, it's really sad.
To peak at 13
is a weird feeling.
169
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,195
MAN: This is indicative
of the kind of...
170
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,864
GEORGE: Yo. Yo.
Shoot that.
Look at that!
171
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:13,200
Both those girls just go,
"That's the guy from MTV."
172
00:08:13,285 --> 00:08:15,870
I swear on my life,
those two girls,
they were just going,
173
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,414
"That's the guy."
It's the second
time it happened.
174
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:22,835
I got off a... I got off,
I got off the bus, and...
175
00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,837
I mean, the train.
I'm walking out...
176
00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:03,751
Me and Ann traded shifts.
My family's in from Green Bay.
177
00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:06,795
You know, come to see
how their daughter's
doing in the big city.
178
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,006
You know, wait,
you went to school
here, right?
179
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:10,633
(PHONE RINGING)
180
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,343
LAURA: Hello?
181
00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:15,638
Hey, Laura, it's George.
182
00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:19,433
How's the northern side
of California going?
183
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,977
What do you
want, George?
184
00:09:22,729 --> 00:09:24,730
I was wondering
if you had
a few minutes.
185
00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:27,816
I wanted to talk
to you about something.
186
00:09:28,276 --> 00:09:32,738
Actually, I don't.
I was just walking
out the door.
187
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:35,991
Is it okay if I get
your number and I'll give
you a call back later?
188
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,494
I know I'm not
supposed to call you.
189
00:09:38,662 --> 00:09:41,163
I just wanted
to let you know that,
190
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:46,001
that I really am so
sorry about everything.
191
00:09:48,129 --> 00:09:50,172
I'm sorry, I screwed up.
192
00:09:52,175 --> 00:09:54,093
Too bad you
didn't realize that
back then, but
193
00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:57,471
anyway, I gotta go.
Do you want me
to call you back?
194
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:01,350
No, you don't
have to call me back.
I know you're not going to,
195
00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:04,853
but I just wanted
to let you know I was
sorry one more time.
196
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,856
Okay. Well, all right.
Okay, good luck, George.
197
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,024
Okay.
198
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,862
(CLEARS THROAT)
199
00:10:15,407 --> 00:10:18,784
You know, so, like,
I have this joke about how,
like, you never see, like,
200
00:10:18,868 --> 00:10:22,413
a very attractive,
blonde, big-breasted
homeless woman.
201
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:25,958
You know, like, someone
will take care of that
person no matter what.
202
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:27,960
That woman's gonna be fine.
All right,
so here's the joke.
203
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,462
You can be attractive
and stupid and make it
in the world.
204
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,505
Yeah.
205
00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:32,756
And you could
be unattractive
and smart
206
00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:34,049
and make it
in the world.
Yeah.
207
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:37,428
But it's the ugly,
dumb people who
are really screwed
208
00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:39,179
'cause they're ignorant
and an eyesore.
209
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:40,264
That's funny, man.
210
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,765
That's pretty funny.
I think that'll work.
211
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,142
I was thinking of doing
this thing where, like,
212
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:44,768
I'm not good-looking
and I'm not bad-looking.
213
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:46,270
I'm kind of, like,
right in the middle,
you know.
214
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:49,982
Like... Like, if I had
a good personality, I could
get any chick in the world,
215
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:51,984
but I don't.
Yeah, it doesn't work.
216
00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:54,737
I auditioned
for Budd Friedman
at the improv.
217
00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:56,321
He okayed me
and made me a regular.
218
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,865
Budd won't even
look me in the eye.
219
00:10:57,991 --> 00:11:00,993
Man, that's...
Good for you, man.
Congratulations.
220
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,995
You shouldn't have lost
all that weight, man.
221
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:04,621
There's nothing funny
about a physically-fit man.
222
00:11:04,748 --> 00:11:06,540
I know.
It's lame, right?
Yeah.
223
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,542
No one wants to watch
Lance Armstrong do comedy.
224
00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:09,668
(SIGHING) Oh, God.
225
00:11:09,961 --> 00:11:11,170
Hey, Ira.
226
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:14,423
Oh, hey, Mark.
Can you do me a favor
and never leave a paycheck
227
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:17,009
from your shit
sitcom on my pillow
ever again, please?
228
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:20,220
(SIGHS) That is so rude
of me to accidentally
leave my paycheck
229
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:24,057
for $25,000
on your pillow.
I'm sorry.
230
00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,100
It's a dick move.
231
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,560
It's just,
they keep coming,
232
00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:27,895
you know,
week after week.
233
00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:30,022
It's getting a little bit hard
to keep track of them all.
234
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,648
You know what?
Becoming marginally famous
235
00:11:31,733 --> 00:11:33,358
has really turned
you into an asshole.
236
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:37,571
Now listen, I'd love to stay
here and chat with you,
but we have company.
237
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,865
You know that girl comedian
who lives across the street?
238
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,575
The one with the dark hair
and the bangs?
239
00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:42,743
Daisy, yeah.
Daisy, right.
240
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:46,079
Well, I bumped into her
outside and I invited her in,
241
00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,749
and she's sitting
in our living room
right now.
242
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,125
She's out there
right now?
243
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:53,086
She's hot and she's mousy,
but kind of like...
244
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:55,506
She's mousy
like a mouse you want
to stick your dick in.
245
00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:57,508
Yeah, you've gotta get
out there and talk to her.
246
00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:58,592
Why would you do that?
247
00:11:58,676 --> 00:12:00,010
What do you mean,
why would I do that?
248
00:12:00,094 --> 00:12:01,094
I'm trying to hook you up.
249
00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:02,346
Well, I'm laying
groundwork, man.
250
00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:04,389
I got a three-month plan.
You can’t just
throw me into this.
251
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:06,600
I'll give you 10 days
on your three-month plan.
252
00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:08,268
No, I need 80
more days than that!
253
00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:12,439
Okay, I do this
because I care about you.
I do this to motivate you.
254
00:12:12,524 --> 00:12:16,401
But I will fuck that girl
in 10 days. I promise.
255
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,153
Come on, dude,
I'm not cute like you.
256
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:21,573
I don't look
like Jackson Browne.
I look like Jon Favreau!
257
00:12:21,658 --> 00:12:24,117
Don't do this to me.
Don't make me fuck her.
258
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,494
Well, then just
don't fuck her!
259
00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,955
Don't you put me
in this corner where
I have to fuck my way out.
260
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,958
He'll do it, too. He'll do it.
I've seen him do this before.
261
00:12:31,042 --> 00:12:34,044
I'm gonna go out
there and warm her up.
I'll see you out there.
262
00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:35,754
Kanye.
Kanye!
263
00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:36,922
No. T.I.
T.I.
264
00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,423
Lil Weezy.
It's all about Common.
265
00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,092
Eminem.
MARK: But do
you guys know
266
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,427
who the greatest
rapper of all time is?
267
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:46,473
(SINGING) William Shakespeare!
268
00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:47,641
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
269
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:51,061
I know it's silly,
but it's fun.
You know, people like it.
270
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,312
Yeah.
You know?
271
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:54,898
It's just cool that
you're on TV. I mean...
272
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,900
I can't believe you
haven't seen this before.
273
00:12:57,402 --> 00:13:00,404
Yeah, I can't believe
it's gotten by me.
274
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:04,324
Is it on a kids channel? WB?
A teen channel or something?
275
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:05,409
MARK: No. It's on NBC.
276
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:06,493
DAISY: Really?
277
00:13:06,578 --> 00:13:08,370
Ira, this is Daisy.
Oh!
278
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:09,705
Daisy, Ira.
Hi.
279
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:10,831
How are you?
How's it going?
Good.
280
00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:11,999
Actually, I have a cold,
so I shouldn't...
281
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,083
Oh!
282
00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:14,543
Air shake.
283
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,211
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
284
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,755
I've actually seen you
do comedy at the improv
a couple times.
285
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,757
Yeah, you're really...
You're really, really funny.
286
00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:22,551
Oh, thanks.
287
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,053
You know, Ira
just lost 20 pounds.
288
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,889
Oh, congratulations.
289
00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,974
Yes, I did.
All from my cock.
290
00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:31,310
Um... So...
291
00:13:32,228 --> 00:13:36,189
So, this episode right here
is actually a two-parter.
292
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:39,359
Great, so does that
mean we're gonna watch
both parts right now?
293
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,194
Oh, shoot. Oh, God.
294
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:42,613
You need some help
with that, Ira?
295
00:13:42,697 --> 00:13:43,989
No! No, it's...
296
00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:46,241
It's okay, I got it.
I got it. I got it.
297
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:47,784
Mmm.
298
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,703
(SLURPING)
299
00:13:50,955 --> 00:13:53,665
I'm joking.
I'll get a rag.
300
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,876
See you in nine days, Ira!
301
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,002
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
302
00:13:57,086 --> 00:13:58,378
RANDY: I went
to a place recently
303
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:01,381
I'm convinced is the most
fucked up, crazy place
304
00:14:01,466 --> 00:14:06,970
I've ever been to.
It's a little place
called Cold Stone Creamery.
305
00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,555
Now, the thing
at Cold Stone is...
306
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:11,183
I can't believe this
is what people like.
307
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:17,856
The sizes are
"like it," "love it"
and "gotta have it!"
308
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:21,068
What kind of crackhead
terminology is that?
309
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,235
"What size you want, man?"
310
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,321
"I don't know, man,
I just gotta have it!
311
00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:26,740
"Put some ice cream in a cup
with some sprinkles!
312
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:29,576
"Put your dick
in a Butterfinger
and fuck it for me, please!
313
00:14:29,661 --> 00:14:33,080
"Put it in the cup! I need it!
I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
314
00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:35,791
"I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking! I'm tweaking!
315
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:37,918
"I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking!
I'm tweaking!"
316
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:41,004
(SINGING)
That's how it's done, son!
That's how it's done, son!
317
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,674
Killed it, man.
Crowd was crazy.
318
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,676
Is it always that wild
on a Wednesday?
319
00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:47,427
No, they were...
They seem pretty
good out there.
320
00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:48,470
I'm really
stepping up
my game.
321
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:51,223
These bitches gotta
start paying me for this.
322
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:54,726
Can't get no more free Randy.
I just fucked that
crowd in the ass.
323
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:55,769
Yeah.
324
00:14:55,853 --> 00:14:57,854
Just awesome.
Just fucking bam!
325
00:14:57,939 --> 00:15:02,192
Crowd, me, bam! Crowd, me...
My stand-up's my dick.
326
00:15:02,318 --> 00:15:03,318
(EXCLAIMING)
327
00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:06,113
You know?
I'm gonna do
the same thing.
328
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:10,742
Bullshit! Let's get some
M&M's and chips going.
329
00:15:10,827 --> 00:15:12,244
Yellow!
MAN: Ira!
330
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,579
Hey. Kevin Rooney
didn't show up,
331
00:15:14,664 --> 00:15:16,081
so you're gonna do
10 minutes after Leo.
332
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:18,417
Really? Okay.
Thanks. Yeah.
333
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:20,419
(MOCKING) "Yeah,
thanks, yeah."
334
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,087
(SCOFFS)
335
00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:30,303
(CLEARS THROAT) Hey.
Did he just tell you
you're going on next?
336
00:15:30,388 --> 00:15:32,305
Yeah, I'm on next.
Okay. Well,
I'm on after you,
337
00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:34,725
and if you go long,
this is going
to die in my pocket.
338
00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:35,809
(CHUCKLES)
339
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:38,395
That wasn't a joke.
I'm not a comic.
340
00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,981
Okay, when you get the light
that means one minute.
341
00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:42,065
Okay.
342
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:45,318
The other night,
I heard my balls
and my dick talking.
343
00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:46,862
And my balls were like,
344
00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:48,572
"Are you okay?
345
00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,365
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
346
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,160
"Is he hurting you?"
347
00:15:53,870 --> 00:15:55,954
And my dick's like,
"You don't know him
like I do.
348
00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:58,206
"He's a great guy.
He loves me."
349
00:15:59,667 --> 00:16:01,209
There's always one guy that
laughs way too hard in the...
350
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:02,961
Hey. George Simmons
just showed up.
351
00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:05,213
He wants to go on,
so you are bumped.
352
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:06,798
Okay, how long
does he do?
353
00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:07,883
How the fuck
should I know?
354
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,593
He hasn't been here
in five years, but
you gotta be ready.
355
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:10,677
Okay.
Okay.
356
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:13,096
LEO: Thank you, guys!
It's really nice to be here!
357
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,681
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
358
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:16,433
See that?
I fucking killed out there.
Yeah, that was good.
359
00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:17,809
Watch out,
Leo, watch out.
All my new shit worked.
360
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:18,935
Yeah.
Yeah.
361
00:16:19,020 --> 00:16:20,729
I was supposed
to go on after you.
George Simmons showed up.
362
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,147
Now I'm gonna
go on after him.
363
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:23,815
George Simmons
is going up right now?
Yeah.
364
00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,192
I just opened
for George Simmons?
365
00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:26,526
(SIGHS) Yeah.
366
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:28,111
That's fucking
awesome, man!
367
00:16:28,613 --> 00:16:29,613
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
368
00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:31,573
Yeah!
369
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,409
All right!
370
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:38,246
Yeah, all right,
I'm scared.
371
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,624
I'm scared
for all of you guys.
372
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:44,669
You need me! You need me.
I'm not gonna be here forever.
373
00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:49,549
Who's gonna amuse you?
It's so simple.
374
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:50,842
You just look
at each other
and say...
375
00:16:50,927 --> 00:16:53,178
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
376
00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:55,597
Everyone's laughing.
377
00:16:55,681 --> 00:17:00,435
You people are so unamusing
you have to pay
another person
378
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,855
to come and amuse you.
What do you do at home?
379
00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:05,857
Just sit, fucking antsy,
all day long,
380
00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:08,485
"When are we gonna get
to that amusement place?
381
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:11,905
"Amuse me."
You should be thanking
me for those movies.
382
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:14,241
"Oh! Finally, a movie.
Let's watch it together."
383
00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:15,909
That's the beauty
of movies, by the way.
384
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:17,786
You go in there
and you don't have
to talk to each other.
385
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,746
And it's fun.
You could stare
at the screen.
386
00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:23,708
And, "Maybe we don't hate
each other 'cause we both
like this movie.
387
00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:24,793
(LAUGHS)
388
00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:27,504
"We are connecting on that.
389
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:30,715
"Hey, we're still together.
390
00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,802
"All these years later,
we still love each other,
right?
391
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:37,472
"During the movie, yes.
When the movie's over,
'You fucking bitch.
392
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:43,103
"'Why am I still with you?
We have nothing in common.
393
00:17:43,187 --> 00:17:45,105
"'Something's missing."'
394
00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:47,440
Anyways, I have no religion.
395
00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,568
My parents did not
believe in God.
396
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:51,278
That was great.
They passed that along.
397
00:17:51,362 --> 00:17:52,487
I didn't even have
a fucking choice.
398
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,240
They were like,
"Nope, don't do it."
399
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,742
'Really? So, when Grandpa
dies he goes to heaven?"
400
00:17:57,827 --> 00:18:00,287
"Nope, he'll be
in the ground."
401
00:18:00,371 --> 00:18:02,581
"Thanks, Dad.
Should I sleep now?
'Cause I...
402
00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,416
"There's no way I'll have
a nightmare tonight."
403
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,377
(EXCLAIMS) "Fuck you.
I don't believe
in nightmares, either.
404
00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:09,421
"Fags have nightmares.
405
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:14,426
"If there was a God,
why would there be
a Holocaust? Go to bed, Son.
406
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:15,510
"Pleasant dreams."
407
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:16,595
Simmons is getting
a little dark.
408
00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:17,846
What is he doing?
409
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,181
(EXHALES)
410
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,392
(SOFTLY) When you hear
the waitress's footsteps
411
00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:27,606
that's when you know
you're not doing well.
412
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:30,692
(SIGHS)
413
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,528
Oh, boy,
it's quiet in here.
414
00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:38,283
You hear that?
415
00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:43,204
I think I can
hear the freeway.
416
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:46,541
Hello! I'm Ira Wright.
417
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:51,129
I'm not good-looking
and I'm not bad-looking.
418
00:18:51,213 --> 00:18:52,631
I'm kind of right
in the middle.
419
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:55,133
So, like, if I had
a good personality,
420
00:18:55,217 --> 00:18:57,177
that might make it so
girls really liked me,
421
00:18:57,261 --> 00:18:59,262
but I don't. So...
422
00:18:59,555 --> 00:19:01,306
Um... Uh...
423
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,310
Okay. George Simmons. Wow.
424
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:07,437
Now what do we do?
425
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:10,899
He seems unhappy
with his money.
Give it to me, I'II...
426
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:13,568
I could really spend that.
427
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,487
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
428
00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:17,739
If he's depressed with
his life, I don't know
what I'm gonna do.
429
00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:20,075
I live on my friend's
pull-out couch.
430
00:19:21,077 --> 00:19:23,161
So, anyway, I...
Wait, did you hear that?
431
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:26,623
Yeah, George Simmons
just shot himself
in the face backstage.
432
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:29,042
It's sad knowing
MerMan's crying inside.
433
00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:30,460
Uh-oh!
434
00:19:30,836 --> 00:19:33,088
Is he organizing
a mass suicide?
Is that where you're going?
435
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,756
Are you joining him?
436
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:37,425
Save some Kool-Aid for me.
Just do it.
437
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:41,680
Don't worry, the next guy
who's coming out has a dove
hidden up his asshole, so...
438
00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:43,890
And then Robin Williams
is gonna slit his wrists
out here.
439
00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:45,350
So, that's nice, also.
440
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:49,229
I am Ira Wright, everybody.
Thank you, very much.
Have a good night.
441
00:19:49,313 --> 00:19:51,106
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
442
00:19:53,150 --> 00:19:54,192
(SIGHS)
443
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,694
Give me a break.
444
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,910
Yo! Hey! Hey!
445
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:10,125
This fucking guy.
446
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,294
What's up?
447
00:20:13,379 --> 00:20:16,464
Hey. I'm sorry.
448
00:20:17,258 --> 00:20:20,385
I'm parked right on
the other side of you
and I can't get in.
449
00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:22,971
What, you come here
to make some jokes
to my face now?
450
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,472
You're hard to follow.
I didn't know what to say.
451
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,932
I'm sorry about that.
No, don't be.
452
00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,810
I would've done the same.
You had to comment on it.
453
00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:32,272
Yeah, you had
some funny shit.
454
00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:33,398
You're a good writer.
455
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:34,482
Thank you.
456
00:20:35,693 --> 00:20:39,571
Your friend...
Is that your friend?
The fatter version of you?
457
00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:41,906
He's my roommate.
Yeah, he's really funny.
458
00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:44,492
You got good stuff.
You're gonna be all right.
459
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:46,953
Wow, that is so nice
of you to say, man.
460
00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:48,580
That's so...
I appreciate it. Hey!
461
00:20:48,664 --> 00:20:50,957
You know, well, I've been
a really big fan of yours.
All of us.
462
00:20:51,042 --> 00:20:53,501
We kind of grew up
on your shit and,
you know, incidentally.
463
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:56,087
So, that's so nice of you
to say, man. Thanks.
464
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:58,840
Thank you!
465
00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:01,217
Nice to meet you, man!
466
00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:02,302
(ENGINE REVVING)
467
00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:04,512
You're gonna die!
468
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:09,059
And I'm gonna
kill you!
469
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,643
(LAUGHING)
470
00:21:10,853 --> 00:21:12,771
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
471
00:21:12,855 --> 00:21:14,689
Man, that was awesome.
472
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,025
(JAPANESE POP MUSIC PLAYING)
473
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:26,618
LEO: Cats.
474
00:21:27,953 --> 00:21:29,621
Can you dig it?
Mmm-hmm.
475
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:31,039
Just a bunch of cats.
476
00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:33,124
Then me doing stuff.
477
00:21:33,709 --> 00:21:35,752
Then back to the
cats doing stuff.
478
00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:39,798
You've gotten 700,000 hits
in four days from this?
479
00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:43,760
Yep. If you put
"cute kitten" in the title
of your YouTube video,
480
00:21:43,886 --> 00:21:45,345
you're gonna get
a million hits.
Mmm-hmm.
481
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:46,971
And then I link
that to my website
482
00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:49,641
and you can see my
stand-up on my website.
It's genius.
483
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:52,685
Why don't you
just call it like,
"Megan Fox Blows Someone"?
484
00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:55,146
And then more people
would google that.
485
00:21:55,231 --> 00:21:58,316
Hi. I've got two girls
coming over here
in a little bit.
486
00:21:58,400 --> 00:22:00,860
Can you fold up
your bed, please,
into the couch?
487
00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:02,946
I don't want the place
to look like a mess
when they get here.
488
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:03,988
Okay, I'm sorry.
I was watching this thing.
489
00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:05,073
(PHONE RINGING)
490
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:06,449
MARK: All right? Okay.
491
00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,286
Hello?
492
00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:12,372
Hey, this is George Simmons.
493
00:22:12,748 --> 00:22:13,790
(LAUGHS)
494
00:22:13,874 --> 00:22:15,959
Fuck you, Craig.
What's happening, man?
495
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:19,087
It's not your
dumb-ass friend Craig.
It's George Simmons.
496
00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:21,422
Oh!
497
00:22:21,507 --> 00:22:24,342
I'm sorry. Hey.
Hey, how's it going, man?
498
00:22:24,426 --> 00:22:27,387
Hey, hey,
good job last night.
You guys were pretty funny.
499
00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:30,473
You and the triple-XL
version of you.
500
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:34,853
Oh. Yeah. Thank...
Thank you. That's...
I... Well, I appreciate that.
501
00:22:34,937 --> 00:22:37,021
You guys are all right.
Good job. I...
502
00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:40,900
I'm doing this
corporate gig
for MySpace
503
00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:44,529
and I'm gonna need
some jokes and shit.
504
00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:47,282
I was thinking maybe you guys
would want to write me some.
505
00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:52,871
You know, he's kind of
a flaky guy, but I'm...
506
00:22:52,955 --> 00:22:54,372
I've got nothing
going on, man.
507
00:22:54,456 --> 00:22:57,834
I would...
I'd love to do that.
Sure. Totally. I'm in.
508
00:22:58,294 --> 00:22:59,502
What kind of jokes
do you need?
509
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:03,006
Just shit about them
or computers
or whatever they like.
510
00:23:03,090 --> 00:23:06,176
When you sprinkle
a little lemon there,
they get excited, you know.
511
00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:08,178
That's no problem.
That makes sense.
512
00:23:08,262 --> 00:23:10,555
So, you want to be held
accountable, come watch
me do them tomorrow?
513
00:23:10,639 --> 00:23:12,056
I'll take you to the gig.
Okay, cool, yeah.
514
00:23:12,141 --> 00:23:14,851
How should I...
How should I...
How should I get them to you?
515
00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:18,479
I can give you my fax
number and my e-mail.
516
00:23:18,564 --> 00:23:19,689
What's your e-mail?
517
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,983
My e-mail?
518
00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:28,323
It's irasexira@yahoo.com.
519
00:23:30,618 --> 00:23:33,077
Wow. I'm just... I'm starting
to reconsider asking you.
520
00:23:33,162 --> 00:23:35,580
Don't do that.
It's from high school.
It was funny then.
521
00:23:35,664 --> 00:23:36,956
Yeah, you should
change it.
522
00:23:37,041 --> 00:23:38,791
It's, like,
13 years old.
Okay, I will.
523
00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:40,168
I mean change it now.
524
00:23:40,252 --> 00:23:42,420
Okay, I'll change it,
I'll change it ASAP.
525
00:23:43,464 --> 00:23:45,173
Okay, don't say
"ASAP," either.
526
00:23:45,257 --> 00:23:49,093
And don't say "I'm chilling"
or "It's all good"
or any of that stuff.
527
00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:52,263
Okay, I don't.
I don't chill anyway,
so I won't.
528
00:23:52,348 --> 00:23:54,557
And it's not all good,
so don't worry.
529
00:23:54,642 --> 00:23:56,184
Okay, Ira.
Okay.
530
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:58,019
All right, Ira.
531
00:23:58,103 --> 00:23:59,604
(LAUGHING)
532
00:24:01,690 --> 00:24:04,943
Guys, that was
George Simmons
on the phone.
533
00:24:05,027 --> 00:24:06,444
He saw me
do stand-up.
534
00:24:06,528 --> 00:24:08,905
He thinks I'm funny!
He wants me
to write jokes for him!
535
00:24:09,031 --> 00:24:10,531
What?
Yep!
536
00:24:11,033 --> 00:24:11,991
Why?
537
00:24:12,076 --> 00:24:13,618
Why? He thinks I'm funny!
538
00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:15,203
This doesn't make
any sense at all.
539
00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:16,287
No?
540
00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:18,498
Jeez, I gotta
get started.
541
00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:20,750
What is happening?
542
00:24:20,834 --> 00:24:22,043
You forgot about the bed!
543
00:24:24,630 --> 00:24:27,173
Friends.
Friends on MySpace.
Nerds.
544
00:24:27,258 --> 00:24:29,759
Nerds... Nerds have
no friends in real life.
545
00:24:29,843 --> 00:24:33,304
The more friends on MySpace,
the less friends
you have in real life.
546
00:24:33,389 --> 00:24:35,348
"How does the softball
team at MySpace work?
547
00:24:35,432 --> 00:24:38,309
"Does everyone
get picked last?"
That could be funny.
548
00:24:38,394 --> 00:24:40,812
At some point, you should have
George say, "Fuck Facebook!"
549
00:24:40,896 --> 00:24:42,563
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
550
00:24:42,648 --> 00:24:43,898
(BOTH LAUGH)
551
00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:47,819
So, like, that's funny.
All right, tell George
I wrote that, okay?
552
00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:48,945
Totally. Totally, man.
You gotta be like,
553
00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:50,655
"Leo wrote that."
Yeah, no, no, no, totally.
554
00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:06,254
Hey, Ira,
I think this is him!
555
00:25:09,300 --> 00:25:10,300
(CHUCKLES)
556
00:25:10,384 --> 00:25:11,801
He's got a limo!
557
00:25:11,885 --> 00:25:12,885
Can we go out
and meet him?
558
00:25:12,970 --> 00:25:14,137
No, no, no.
You can't say
hi to him.
559
00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:16,180
Just let me get in
with him a little more
560
00:25:16,265 --> 00:25:17,515
before I introduce
people to him.
561
00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:19,017
Don't kiss his ass
too hard, all right?
562
00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:21,185
Stars hate it
when you kiss
their ass too hard.
563
00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:23,187
I hate it when people
kiss my ass too hard.
You do?
564
00:25:23,272 --> 00:25:24,564
You hate it when people
kiss your ass too hard?
565
00:25:24,648 --> 00:25:25,982
I hate it.
566
00:25:34,158 --> 00:25:35,158
Man!
567
00:25:35,242 --> 00:25:38,036
Hey. I feel like
we're going to prom.
568
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:41,706
Okay, well, we're not.
Okay, let's hit it!
569
00:25:43,459 --> 00:25:45,209
This is good.
I like this one
570
00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:49,047
about the guy from MySpace
and the guy from Craigslist
getting into a fight.
571
00:25:49,131 --> 00:25:50,340
That's funny.
572
00:25:50,424 --> 00:25:51,841
You're excited.
573
00:25:51,925 --> 00:25:52,884
I am excited.
574
00:25:52,968 --> 00:25:54,135
Yeah, that's good.
It's good to be excited.
575
00:25:54,219 --> 00:25:55,470
I used to be excited.
576
00:25:55,554 --> 00:25:57,764
Well, it's awesome.
It's exciting.
577
00:25:58,140 --> 00:26:00,183
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYLNG)
578
00:26:01,769 --> 00:26:03,144
(EXCLAIMS)
579
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,188
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
580
00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:06,731
Wow!
581
00:26:14,823 --> 00:26:16,157
GEORGE: Thank you!
582
00:26:26,835 --> 00:26:28,002
Yeah!
583
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:31,964
Brought the nice legs
with you. Good job.
584
00:26:32,049 --> 00:26:33,716
Hello, hello.
Good to see you, sir.
585
00:26:33,801 --> 00:26:35,093
Welcome aboard.
Thank you.
586
00:26:35,177 --> 00:26:36,177
The name's Dave.
Hi, Dave.
587
00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:37,303
We may hit a few
bumps up there,
588
00:26:37,388 --> 00:26:38,596
nothing too crazy.
We'll get you there.
589
00:26:38,680 --> 00:26:39,680
Okay, cool!
All right.
590
00:26:39,807 --> 00:26:41,766
Hope you enjoy
Chinese food.
I love it!
591
00:26:41,850 --> 00:26:43,768
Very good.
Enjoy your flight.
Thank you.
592
00:26:44,603 --> 00:26:45,603
Wow!
593
00:26:50,692 --> 00:26:52,860
You guys were a little late,
so we had to put up
James Taylor first.
594
00:26:52,945 --> 00:26:55,905
Karen, she's a silver sun
595
00:26:55,989 --> 00:26:59,575
You'd best walk her way
and watch it shine
596
00:27:00,786 --> 00:27:04,122
Watch her watch
the morning come
597
00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:13,381
A silver tear appearing now
that I'm cryin', ain't I
598
00:27:13,799 --> 00:27:18,261
I'm going to Carolina
in my mind
599
00:27:18,345 --> 00:27:19,554
How'd you guys get him?
600
00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:20,805
Everybody's got
their price.
601
00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:23,433
Last year, we had Roger Waters
doing Dark Side of the Moon.
602
00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:27,103
That love's
the finest thing around...
603
00:27:27,229 --> 00:27:30,189
Okay, I thought it could
be funny if you just go,
604
00:27:30,274 --> 00:27:32,233
"Fuck Facebook in the face!"
605
00:27:32,317 --> 00:27:34,986
All right.
Hey, you do five minutes
before I go up there.
606
00:27:35,654 --> 00:27:39,031
What? No. No, I can't
follow Fire and Rain.
Are you kidding me, man?
607
00:27:39,116 --> 00:27:41,367
I can't follow it, either.
That's why you're going
up there.
608
00:27:41,910 --> 00:27:48,791
Oh, yeah
609
00:27:52,588 --> 00:27:54,338
Thank you, MySpace!
610
00:27:57,426 --> 00:27:58,885
Fuck Facebook!
611
00:27:58,969 --> 00:28:00,803
(ALL CHEERING LOUDLY)
612
00:28:01,555 --> 00:28:03,431
I can't believe that.
He did the Facebook joke!
613
00:28:03,515 --> 00:28:05,183
(LAUGHING) Yeah!
He did the Facebook...
614
00:28:05,267 --> 00:28:07,351
I can't follow this, man.
I can't go on right now.
615
00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:11,147
Give me this shit.
Get up there. Be a man.
616
00:28:13,150 --> 00:28:14,901
This is a pretty big room.
617
00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:19,530
Lot of people here.
618
00:28:19,948 --> 00:28:23,075
Let's have another
round of applause
for James Taylor, everybody.
619
00:28:30,125 --> 00:28:32,668
Yeah, do you
actually use MySpace?
620
00:28:33,795 --> 00:28:36,756
No, no, no. I fuck girls, Tom.
I don't have time for that.
621
00:28:37,466 --> 00:28:40,760
I wonder if Tom and Craig
from Craigslist would ever get
in a fight with each other.
622
00:28:40,844 --> 00:28:41,886
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
623
00:28:41,970 --> 00:28:44,639
Who would win that fight?
That's what I want to know.
624
00:28:49,061 --> 00:28:51,187
Tom or Craig,
who's tougher?
625
00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:55,066
Tom has more friends,
so that's probably good.
626
00:28:55,150 --> 00:28:57,026
Craig has weirder
friends, though.
627
00:28:57,110 --> 00:28:58,569
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
628
00:28:58,654 --> 00:29:02,532
Craig has friends that
are willing to do a lot more
for cash. I will say that.
629
00:29:08,872 --> 00:29:09,914
Eh?
630
00:29:09,998 --> 00:29:10,957
What the fuck
was that all about?
631
00:29:11,041 --> 00:29:12,583
You did all the jokes
you wrote for me.
632
00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:15,002
Oh, man, I know.
I'm sorry. I panicked.
It's all they wanted.
633
00:29:15,087 --> 00:29:16,504
They just wanted
MySpace jokes.
They didn't want...
634
00:29:16,588 --> 00:29:17,838
That's why I hired you
to write me MySpace jokes.
635
00:29:17,923 --> 00:29:19,215
I know, I'm sorry.
That one,
I didn't tell that one.
636
00:29:19,299 --> 00:29:20,299
That one will work.
637
00:29:20,384 --> 00:29:21,384
I guarantee you.
638
00:29:21,468 --> 00:29:23,427
It better work.
They're paying me
300 grand.
639
00:29:23,512 --> 00:29:25,346
TOM: Mr. George Simmons!
Really?
640
00:29:29,601 --> 00:29:33,688
Thank you. Thank you.
All right, Tom, thank you.
641
00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:37,400
Good evening, nerds! Yes!
642
00:29:37,484 --> 00:29:40,861
What about Ira, everybody?
How'd you feel
about Ira Wright? Yeah.
643
00:29:40,946 --> 00:29:42,655
That guy, man.
644
00:29:42,739 --> 00:29:46,367
He is such a fucking nerd,
I can't believe he doesn't
work with you people.
645
00:29:47,828 --> 00:29:51,080
Tom started MySpace
just to get friends,
I know it.
646
00:29:51,832 --> 00:29:53,833
So, they say the more friends
you have on MySpace,
647
00:29:53,917 --> 00:29:57,837
the less friends
you have in real life.
You know?
648
00:29:57,921 --> 00:30:00,631
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"I have 100,000
friends on MySpace!
649
00:30:01,174 --> 00:30:02,675
"Yes!
650
00:30:03,844 --> 00:30:07,722
"Isn't that great?
I have so many friends
on the computer."
651
00:30:08,515 --> 00:30:09,473
"What are you doing tonight?"
652
00:30:09,558 --> 00:30:11,392
"I'll be on the computer.
653
00:30:12,227 --> 00:30:13,894
"That's what I do."
654
00:30:17,608 --> 00:30:20,568
I hate the new generation
of coolness out there.
655
00:30:20,652 --> 00:30:24,947
You just never get any
information out of people
you talk to, the youngsters.
656
00:30:25,032 --> 00:30:27,199
"Hey, what are you doing?"
"Just chilling."
657
00:30:27,659 --> 00:30:30,328
All right.
I know, you're chilling.
658
00:30:31,371 --> 00:30:35,833
"What're you doing tonight?"
"Things." "Okay."
659
00:30:35,917 --> 00:30:38,169
I like dumb people, you know.
They like to talk to you.
660
00:30:38,253 --> 00:30:40,755
"Hey, what's going on?"
"I like lollypops."
661
00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:42,173
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
662
00:30:42,257 --> 00:30:43,257
"Good."
663
00:30:46,762 --> 00:30:49,430
"My favorite color
is butterscotch."
664
00:30:50,390 --> 00:30:55,519
Do you ever get tired
of singing the same songs,
you know, over and over?
665
00:30:56,355 --> 00:30:59,106
Do you ever get tired
of talking about your dick?
666
00:31:00,150 --> 00:31:02,610
Yeah, I don't like...
I don't like
blowjobs very much.
667
00:31:02,694 --> 00:31:04,487
I don't like...
A lot of guys
like the blowjobs,
668
00:31:04,571 --> 00:31:08,115
I don't love them.
I never know what to do
with my hands. You know?
669
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,034
I'm always like...
670
00:31:10,619 --> 00:31:12,370
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
671
00:31:12,454 --> 00:31:16,957
You can either go
hands on the hips
or the salute is fun.
672
00:31:20,921 --> 00:31:22,380
Yeah, it's always shocking
when a girl blows you.
673
00:31:22,464 --> 00:31:24,632
You're like, "Really?
You want to do it? All right."
674
00:31:25,175 --> 00:31:26,884
I got some advice
for the ladies out there.
675
00:31:26,968 --> 00:31:31,389
When you are performing
that act on a fellow
don't ever say,
676
00:31:31,473 --> 00:31:34,558
"You know, you're the first
guy I ever got the whole
thing in my mouth.
677
00:31:34,643 --> 00:31:36,352
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
678
00:31:36,436 --> 00:31:41,691
"Normally, normally, I get,
like, halfway down and I just
start fucking choking,
679
00:31:42,150 --> 00:31:47,071
"but with you,
I got a ball in my mouth!
680
00:31:47,239 --> 00:31:49,156
"That's never happened!
681
00:31:50,367 --> 00:31:56,080
"Look, I have him
in my mouth right now, and
I'm speaking perfectly clear.
682
00:31:57,666 --> 00:31:59,792
"Normally I have a stutter."
683
00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:04,630
That wasn't a pee,
that was a shit.
That took too long.
684
00:32:04,715 --> 00:32:06,757
Here's 1,000 bucks.
Good job.
685
00:32:06,842 --> 00:32:08,592
Thank you so much, man.
686
00:32:08,677 --> 00:32:10,928
I've never made this much
money doing anything, man.
Thank you.
687
00:32:11,012 --> 00:32:14,348
Good.
I'm thinking about doing
a lot more stand-up.
688
00:32:14,433 --> 00:32:15,433
Okay.
689
00:32:15,517 --> 00:32:17,768
And my assistant
got pregnant.
690
00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:20,229
I didn't even know she...
I thought she was
a fucking lesbian
691
00:32:20,313 --> 00:32:21,272
the whole time, but...
692
00:32:21,356 --> 00:32:22,648
They can get
pregnant, too.
693
00:32:23,734 --> 00:32:25,109
That's nice.
That's very nice.
Yeah.
694
00:32:25,193 --> 00:32:28,738
So, you want to kind
of assist me, you know?
695
00:32:28,822 --> 00:32:29,947
Yeah! Yeah.
I mean, not, not...
696
00:32:30,031 --> 00:32:31,282
I mean, you can write
jokes for me, too,
697
00:32:31,366 --> 00:32:32,366
but get me sodas...
698
00:32:32,451 --> 00:32:33,409
Whatever you need, man!
699
00:32:33,535 --> 00:32:35,202
...and, like,
clean my shit up and...
Yeah.
700
00:32:35,287 --> 00:32:36,787
How much money
you make now?
701
00:32:36,872 --> 00:32:38,330
It depends
on how many hours.
702
00:32:38,415 --> 00:32:39,707
Usually,
I can get about...
703
00:32:39,791 --> 00:32:41,542
I'll give you
1,500 bucks a week.
704
00:32:41,626 --> 00:32:43,294
That's amazing, man.
Thank you so much.
705
00:32:43,378 --> 00:32:44,795
You want to fuck
these two girls?
706
00:32:46,256 --> 00:32:48,758
Hey, the JT.
707
00:32:49,384 --> 00:32:51,010
George.
That was the best.
You killed them.
708
00:32:51,094 --> 00:32:52,094
Ira.
709
00:32:52,179 --> 00:32:54,388
Hello.
Yes, Mr. Taylor.
Yes, hello.
710
00:32:54,723 --> 00:32:55,806
You wanna fuck
these girls?
711
00:32:55,891 --> 00:32:59,977
I filled my quota
in 1982, I believe.
712
00:33:00,061 --> 00:33:01,228
All right, I'll have
to figure this shit out.
713
00:33:01,313 --> 00:33:02,354
I know those girls.
714
00:33:02,397 --> 00:33:04,148
You do?
Do you want
to meet those girls?
715
00:33:04,232 --> 00:33:06,776
Will you fucking settle down?
Yeah, talk to them.
Be gentle.
716
00:33:06,943 --> 00:33:10,112
You're twitching
like a fucking madman.
That guy in porno?
717
00:33:10,572 --> 00:33:11,947
No.
No?
718
00:33:12,032 --> 00:33:13,032
I would know.
719
00:33:16,077 --> 00:33:18,037
Mandy.
Well, hi there.
720
00:33:18,121 --> 00:33:20,164
You're still swimming?
Get the fuck out of there.
721
00:33:20,248 --> 00:33:21,999
I'm ready for you.
722
00:33:22,083 --> 00:33:23,417
Yeah. Oh, my God.
723
00:33:25,796 --> 00:33:27,630
Oh, God.
Feel that stomach.
Oh. Yeah.
724
00:33:27,714 --> 00:33:29,256
I like that thing.
Good. Well, go for it.
725
00:33:29,341 --> 00:33:30,549
It's hard. Bam!
726
00:33:30,634 --> 00:33:31,634
(EXCLAIMING)
727
00:33:33,553 --> 00:33:34,887
MANDY: This house is crazy.
728
00:33:34,971 --> 00:33:36,263
GEORGE: Oh, yeah,
you got to see
the whole thing.
729
00:33:36,348 --> 00:33:38,098
Come here.
It came furnished.
730
00:33:38,183 --> 00:33:39,183
Really?
731
00:33:39,267 --> 00:33:40,267
(GEORGE MOANING)
732
00:33:40,352 --> 00:33:43,604
GEORGE: That's my man, Ira.
He wrote a lot of good
jokes for me there, honey.
733
00:33:43,688 --> 00:33:46,482
Make sure he shows
you his cock.
It's very, very thick.
734
00:33:46,566 --> 00:33:47,608
(BOTH LAUGHING)
735
00:33:47,692 --> 00:33:49,193
See you, George.
736
00:33:54,866 --> 00:33:57,368
Hey, wanna have a contest
to see who can hold
their breath the longest?
737
00:33:57,452 --> 00:33:58,702
(GASPS)
738
00:34:07,212 --> 00:34:08,462
(SPITS)
739
00:34:10,382 --> 00:34:12,049
You didn't go under.
740
00:34:13,760 --> 00:34:16,136
Nothing's gonna
happen between us.
741
00:34:18,306 --> 00:34:21,100
I can't believe
I'm having sex
with George Simmons.
742
00:34:21,351 --> 00:34:23,644
Yeah, he can't
believe it, either.
743
00:34:23,937 --> 00:34:26,355
My dad loves
your movies.
744
00:34:26,439 --> 00:34:30,109
Yeah, that's the best
when you talk
about your dad.
745
00:34:30,193 --> 00:34:31,277
(MOANING)
746
00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:34,905
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
747
00:34:38,827 --> 00:34:41,412
Dad, this won't
bring Mom back!
748
00:34:41,496 --> 00:34:44,498
I have nothing else!
749
00:34:44,583 --> 00:34:47,418
BOY: You're a champion, Dad!
You're a champion!
750
00:34:53,341 --> 00:34:55,134
Oh! You're still here.
751
00:34:56,344 --> 00:34:57,928
I know that asshole.
752
00:34:59,055 --> 00:35:00,931
You two were
just fucking, huh?
How'd that go?
753
00:35:01,016 --> 00:35:04,310
No, I have a boyfriend.
We already talked about it.
754
00:35:04,603 --> 00:35:06,186
Yeah. John.
Yeah.
755
00:35:06,688 --> 00:35:09,273
Your friend took off.
She thought you left, so...
756
00:35:09,357 --> 00:35:10,357
Really?
757
00:35:10,442 --> 00:35:11,692
That's what happens
in a big house.
758
00:35:11,776 --> 00:35:13,068
It's called
"the big house
problem."
759
00:35:13,153 --> 00:35:15,779
Your friend actually
left her purse
down the hall.
760
00:35:15,864 --> 00:35:17,323
You want to go
get it with me?
761
00:35:17,407 --> 00:35:18,407
Oh. Okay.
762
00:35:20,368 --> 00:35:21,744
(MUMBLING)
763
00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:25,372
Don't you leave
on me, Ira.
764
00:35:25,874 --> 00:35:27,041
Fuck me like MerMan!
765
00:35:27,125 --> 00:35:30,461
Come on! Do MerMan!
Do the MerMan call!
766
00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:31,754
Come on!
767
00:35:31,880 --> 00:35:34,798
(WHOOPING)
Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Oh, God!
768
00:35:39,846 --> 00:35:41,263
Hey.
Oh. Hey.
769
00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:43,933
Sorry about
the chick, man. I...
770
00:35:44,017 --> 00:35:46,435
You weren't getting it done,
so something had to happen.
771
00:35:46,519 --> 00:35:48,604
Oh, that's... No, she...
I wasn't even trying.
772
00:35:48,688 --> 00:35:50,481
She told me
she had a boyfriend.
773
00:35:50,815 --> 00:35:53,442
Oh, yeah. She told me
she had a boyfriend, too.
774
00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:56,320
(SINGING) When she
was sucking my cock!
775
00:35:56,404 --> 00:35:57,655
(GAGGING)
776
00:35:58,031 --> 00:35:59,406
(RETCHING)
777
00:36:00,867 --> 00:36:02,910
What the fuck are you doing
with that big dick of yours?
778
00:36:02,994 --> 00:36:06,163
You gotta use it!
You gotta share
Thickie with the world.
779
00:36:06,247 --> 00:36:07,915
I don't... It's normal.
780
00:36:07,999 --> 00:36:11,377
You want to go upstairs, man?
Talk to me while
I try to fall asleep?
781
00:36:12,295 --> 00:36:14,797
Okay, if...
Yeah, if that's
what you want me to do.
782
00:36:15,840 --> 00:36:20,177
Yeah, yeah.
Sit down, man.
That was a fun night.
783
00:36:20,679 --> 00:36:21,720
That was a good night.
784
00:36:21,805 --> 00:36:22,763
Yeah, that was crazy.
785
00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:23,847
Yeah.
786
00:36:23,932 --> 00:36:26,725
So, you slept with
both those girls, man.
787
00:36:27,644 --> 00:36:28,852
How did you do that?
788
00:36:29,312 --> 00:36:31,021
How did I do that?
There's this...
789
00:36:31,106 --> 00:36:35,109
Girls like famous guys.
It's a story for them,
I guess. I don't know.
790
00:36:35,193 --> 00:36:36,902
I take advantage
of it, though.
791
00:36:36,987 --> 00:36:39,113
Believe me, they always
leave disappointed.
792
00:36:39,698 --> 00:36:41,657
(YAWNING)
That's amazing.
793
00:36:43,910 --> 00:36:46,620
Yeah, yeah, so let me hear
about this name, Ira Wright.
794
00:36:46,705 --> 00:36:48,580
That's not your
real name, right?
795
00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:50,374
How could you tell?
796
00:36:50,458 --> 00:36:51,500
(CHUCKLES)
797
00:36:51,584 --> 00:36:53,627
You're hiding some Judaism.
798
00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:55,629
No, my real
last name is Wiener.
799
00:36:55,714 --> 00:36:57,464
It's Ira Wiener
and everyone...
800
00:36:57,549 --> 00:37:01,468
It's spelled the same
as "wiener" and I just got
tired of correcting people.
801
00:37:01,553 --> 00:37:03,887
So, that's what led you
to the path of comedy.
802
00:37:03,972 --> 00:37:07,057
Being humiliated every day.
First day of school,
803
00:37:07,142 --> 00:37:09,143
(IN FEMALE VOICE)
"Is Ira Wiener here?"
804
00:37:09,227 --> 00:37:10,227
And you were in the back.
805
00:37:10,311 --> 00:37:13,897
(IN KID'S VOICE)
"Wiener. My name's Wiener."
806
00:37:13,982 --> 00:37:16,400
You little fruit.
What were your parents like?
807
00:37:16,484 --> 00:37:19,486
What are the older
"Wieners" or Wieners like?
808
00:37:20,447 --> 00:37:21,488
My parents are divorced.
809
00:37:21,573 --> 00:37:26,452
They hate each other.
My mother thinks
my father's the devil.
810
00:37:27,746 --> 00:37:29,955
I don't know
what that makes me,
technically, but...
811
00:37:30,373 --> 00:37:32,499
So, you'll never
be as funny as me.
812
00:37:32,584 --> 00:37:33,584
Why not?
813
00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:36,670
Your generation
has the divorces,
which is cute-funny,
814
00:37:36,755 --> 00:37:42,384
but my generation has the,
"Oh, my God, my father's
about to hit me with a bat!"
815
00:37:43,511 --> 00:37:48,974
I just... You gotta break out
the funny a lot quicker than
your little faggy childhood.
816
00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:50,309
(YAWNING)
817
00:37:50,977 --> 00:37:52,519
Are you serious?
818
00:37:52,604 --> 00:37:56,065
I spent my whole
childhood trying
to make my father laugh.
819
00:37:56,691 --> 00:37:59,568
I still haven't succeeded,
but we'll get there.
820
00:38:05,116 --> 00:38:08,911
Don't bail on me yet.
Keep it coming.
821
00:38:09,621 --> 00:38:11,663
When's the first time
you fingered a girl?
822
00:38:11,748 --> 00:38:15,042
I was at summer camp,
Jewish summer camp,
on the sports field.
823
00:38:17,796 --> 00:38:22,549
And her name
was Sharon Mizrahi.
824
00:38:23,301 --> 00:38:26,553
I didn't know what to do.
I got really scared.
825
00:38:26,638 --> 00:38:30,390
She reached down
and grabbed my penis
really hard,
826
00:38:30,475 --> 00:38:32,309
like she was just
trying to murder it.
827
00:38:42,612 --> 00:38:43,946
Morning.
Yeah, baby.
828
00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:46,949
It took me three hours,
but I think
I found your kitchen.
829
00:38:47,408 --> 00:38:49,243
Am I in the
bathroom still?
Is that it?
830
00:38:49,327 --> 00:38:51,703
No, no.
You're good.
You're safe.
831
00:38:51,830 --> 00:38:52,788
What do you
got there?
832
00:38:52,872 --> 00:38:55,082
This is medicine, Ira.
I'm sick.
833
00:38:55,166 --> 00:38:57,835
One of those girls
have chlamydia?
I thought she smelled funny.
834
00:38:57,919 --> 00:38:59,586
Is that what it is?
Yeah.
835
00:39:00,088 --> 00:39:05,175
I have a weird blood disease.
AML. It's a form of leukemia.
836
00:39:05,844 --> 00:39:08,595
This is experimental
medicine from Canada.
837
00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:14,309
There's an 8% chance
of it working. So, fuck me.
838
00:39:14,686 --> 00:39:17,104
Well, that's not true
'cause if it was,
839
00:39:17,188 --> 00:39:18,814
I would've read about it
or heard about that.
840
00:39:18,898 --> 00:39:20,023
You didn't hear
about it because
841
00:39:20,108 --> 00:39:23,110
I didn't fucking
run out and tell
Entertainment Tonight.
842
00:39:23,194 --> 00:39:25,070
Well, why would
you tell me?
843
00:39:25,155 --> 00:39:26,947
'Cause I don't
really know you, Ira.
844
00:39:27,031 --> 00:39:30,200
I think you're not gonna
get too weird about this.
845
00:39:30,285 --> 00:39:33,662
I don't want to start
getting treated like
the guy who's gonna die.
846
00:39:33,913 --> 00:39:38,041
So, anyways, this shit's
got a lot of caffeine in it.
847
00:39:38,126 --> 00:39:41,086
They say that's good for you.
Let me take the medicine.
848
00:39:41,171 --> 00:39:42,713
Why are you telling
me this, George?
849
00:39:42,797 --> 00:39:45,632
'Cause I want you
to possibly do me a favor.
850
00:39:45,717 --> 00:39:46,967
Okay. Yeah. What?
851
00:39:47,719 --> 00:39:48,886
Kill me.
852
00:39:49,596 --> 00:39:50,596
What?
853
00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:51,805
Nobody knows
we know each other.
854
00:39:51,890 --> 00:39:54,474
You're a stranger.
You can get away with this.
855
00:39:54,559 --> 00:39:57,728
I got a gun
in the other room.
It's untraceable.
856
00:39:57,812 --> 00:40:00,814
I'll give you $50,000.
857
00:40:00,899 --> 00:40:06,987
Don't make me suffer.
Please, kill me, Ira.
I'm begging you.
858
00:40:07,238 --> 00:40:09,281
Can you at least
give me, like, a night
to think about it?
859
00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:10,490
Ha!
860
00:40:10,575 --> 00:40:12,618
Think about it?
You would do it!
861
00:40:12,702 --> 00:40:15,370
Oh, I hate you, man.
Oh, no!
862
00:40:15,455 --> 00:40:21,168
Ira, I misread you.
You're sick!
You're a murderer!
863
00:40:21,252 --> 00:40:22,252
Screw you, man.
864
00:40:22,337 --> 00:40:23,337
You wanted to do it!
865
00:40:23,421 --> 00:40:25,964
What would you have
done for $100,000?
Chop my head off?
866
00:40:26,049 --> 00:40:27,507
You would still
want to do it!
867
00:40:27,592 --> 00:40:29,343
That wasn't even
good acting over there!
868
00:40:29,427 --> 00:40:30,761
What the fuck?
That was good acting.
869
00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:32,846
Daniel Day-Lewis would've
crushed that speech.
870
00:40:32,931 --> 00:40:35,557
I bought that, man. Wow!
871
00:40:35,642 --> 00:40:38,936
Ira, you don't have
to kill me,
but I am gonna die.
872
00:40:39,270 --> 00:40:41,146
George, look.
Honestly, I'm like...
Don't get close, Ira.
873
00:40:41,231 --> 00:40:42,731
...a really gullible guy.
Don't do this.
874
00:40:42,815 --> 00:40:44,191
Look, my friends,
they trick me
all the time.
875
00:40:44,275 --> 00:40:45,943
One of my roommates told me
he was Joe Pesci's son.
876
00:40:46,027 --> 00:40:48,528
I believed him
for three years.
I still get shit for it,
877
00:40:48,613 --> 00:40:50,572
so just, please,
level with me, man.
878
00:40:50,657 --> 00:40:52,991
Are you serious?
I am serious, Ira.
879
00:40:53,493 --> 00:40:55,494
Don't tell anybody
about this though,
all right?
880
00:40:55,578 --> 00:40:57,162
I want it to be
our secret.
881
00:40:57,247 --> 00:40:59,831
Now, you're gonna
make me some eggs.
Okay, murderer?
882
00:41:00,333 --> 00:41:01,333
(SOFTLY) Don't say that.
883
00:41:01,417 --> 00:41:03,335
Just try not to kill
any of the staff
884
00:41:03,419 --> 00:41:06,129
while I'm gone, okay?
They have families.
885
00:41:06,881 --> 00:41:08,465
IRA: Well, he actually
tricked me first,
but then he showed...
886
00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:09,758
I mean,
he's taking medicine.
887
00:41:09,842 --> 00:41:12,386
He's getting this
special medicine
from Canada.
888
00:41:12,637 --> 00:41:14,554
MARK: Oh, my God,
that's the saddest thing
I've ever heard.
889
00:41:14,639 --> 00:41:18,183
Yeah. I think I'm the
only person he's told.
890
00:41:18,268 --> 00:41:21,270
That's what he said.
I mean, he's really...
He likes me, in a weird...
891
00:41:21,354 --> 00:41:24,022
I think he's, like,
taken a shine to me,
you know.
892
00:41:24,107 --> 00:41:26,108
Not enough to let you in
on that two-on-one.
893
00:41:26,192 --> 00:41:27,526
Come on, that's
not appropriate.
894
00:41:27,610 --> 00:41:29,069
I don't want
that anyway.
895
00:41:30,863 --> 00:41:32,906
IRA: I just don't know.
I mean, it's...
896
00:41:32,991 --> 00:41:34,908
It's really scary.
I've never even...
897
00:41:34,993 --> 00:41:37,286
I don't think
I've known anyone
who's, like, sick,
898
00:41:37,370 --> 00:41:39,871
you know, in like
a major way before.
I don't... I just...
899
00:41:39,956 --> 00:41:42,791
LEO: George Simmons.
He's been around
my whole life.
900
00:41:42,875 --> 00:41:44,876
It's like Snap, Crackle
and Pop dying, you know?
901
00:41:44,961 --> 00:41:45,919
IRA: I know.
902
00:41:46,004 --> 00:41:47,671
Can we not talk
about this right now?
903
00:41:47,880 --> 00:41:50,048
I'm not really good
with the whole death thing.
904
00:41:50,133 --> 00:41:51,466
Is that all right?
905
00:41:51,551 --> 00:41:53,927
I need to talk about it, man.
I work for this guy now.
906
00:41:54,012 --> 00:41:56,138
I can't...
I mean, that's all I'm...
It's all I'm thinking about.
907
00:41:56,222 --> 00:42:00,183
I'm gonna tell you
this story that makes me
feel all right with death.
908
00:42:01,060 --> 00:42:03,812
When I was younger,
my grandfather died
909
00:42:03,896 --> 00:42:05,480
and we were all
gathered around him
910
00:42:05,565 --> 00:42:08,775
and there was
this one candle
next to his bed.
911
00:42:08,860 --> 00:42:14,114
And right after he died,
the candle started flickering
and then it just went out.
912
00:42:14,532 --> 00:42:15,615
Wow.
Yeah.
913
00:42:15,700 --> 00:42:18,493
And we looked around,
and there were no windows.
914
00:42:19,037 --> 00:42:21,580
Like, nothing
in that room.
915
00:42:22,290 --> 00:42:24,833
And it sounds crazy,
but we all thought
916
00:42:24,917 --> 00:42:27,294
it was him going
to heaven, you know?
917
00:42:27,378 --> 00:42:29,629
You don't pass through
fire to get to heaven.
918
00:42:29,714 --> 00:42:30,672
I think he went to hell.
919
00:42:30,757 --> 00:42:31,798
(SCOFFS)
920
00:42:31,883 --> 00:42:33,467
What'd you just say?
LEO: I just...
921
00:42:33,551 --> 00:42:35,260
I think your grandfather
probably went to hell.
922
00:42:35,345 --> 00:42:37,304
Don't do it.
Are you kidding
me right now?
923
00:42:37,388 --> 00:42:38,972
I'm... I'm sorry
to break it to you.
924
00:42:39,057 --> 00:42:40,223
You're gonna make
fun of me right now,
925
00:42:40,308 --> 00:42:42,351
just after I opened up
to you guys like that?
926
00:42:42,435 --> 00:42:44,144
It's not my fault
your grandfather's
in hell.
927
00:42:44,228 --> 00:42:46,438
It's not a big deal.
Some grandpas go to hell.
928
00:42:46,522 --> 00:42:47,773
Come on.
Don't be a jerk to me
929
00:42:47,857 --> 00:42:49,483
just because I make
more money than you guys.
930
00:42:49,567 --> 00:42:50,567
How much do you make again?
931
00:42:50,651 --> 00:42:51,902
(LEO LAUGHING)
932
00:42:51,986 --> 00:42:54,738
You guys are just projecting
all your hatred onto me.
933
00:42:54,989 --> 00:42:56,406
Okay, and don't be
super bummed out
934
00:42:56,491 --> 00:42:59,409
'cause your grandfather's
playing backgammon
with Hitler right now.
935
00:42:59,494 --> 00:43:00,994
Shit, dude, don't.
936
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:02,996
(GRUNGE MUSIC PLAYLNG)
937
00:43:04,665 --> 00:43:06,333
GEORGE: I gotta get
rid of this stuff.
938
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:10,170
Man, I don't know what
I'm gonna do with it.
939
00:43:11,172 --> 00:43:13,715
The more money you make,
the more free shit
they give you.
940
00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:18,261
It makes no sense.
I don't see any jet skiing
in my near future.
941
00:43:18,346 --> 00:43:20,055
All this shit was free?
942
00:43:20,139 --> 00:43:21,098
You want a TV, Ira?
943
00:43:21,182 --> 00:43:24,476
I got, like, three
flat screens laying
around in there somewhere.
944
00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:27,771
Sure, I can... Yeah,
I can just take this stuff
to Goodwill if you want or...
945
00:43:27,855 --> 00:43:30,607
You know what?
Don't even worry
about this stuff. Let's...
946
00:43:30,691 --> 00:43:33,110
I got some cars in storage
you could sell for me
947
00:43:33,194 --> 00:43:35,237
and just give
that money to charity.
948
00:43:35,321 --> 00:43:36,279
I can do that, yeah.
949
00:43:36,364 --> 00:43:37,447
I'm gonna write
a list out for you,
950
00:43:37,532 --> 00:43:39,449
give you a bunch
of things
I want you to do.
951
00:43:39,534 --> 00:43:40,700
What size sneaker are you?
952
00:43:40,785 --> 00:43:41,785
Eleven and a half.
953
00:43:41,869 --> 00:43:44,955
(EXCLAIMS) You got that
thick cock, don't you?
I want to see that thing.
954
00:43:45,039 --> 00:43:46,790
Come on, pull the cock out.
955
00:43:46,874 --> 00:43:47,874
I'm not gonna
show it to you.
956
00:43:47,959 --> 00:43:48,959
What the fuck's
the matter with you?
957
00:43:49,043 --> 00:43:50,293
I'm not gonna do
anything with it.
958
00:43:50,378 --> 00:43:52,254
I just want to know
what I'm dealing with.
959
00:43:52,338 --> 00:43:53,422
If you give me an iPod.
960
00:43:53,506 --> 00:43:54,798
You asshole.
961
00:43:54,882 --> 00:43:56,341
All right, you can
have anything in here,
962
00:43:56,426 --> 00:43:58,343
but you gotta take
the MerMan poster.
963
00:43:58,428 --> 00:44:00,387
No, I want...
I love MerMan!
964
00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:01,805
I knew you loved MerMan.
965
00:44:01,889 --> 00:44:03,849
You and
five-year-olds
love MerMan.
966
00:44:04,475 --> 00:44:05,725
It's a smart movie.
967
00:44:07,645 --> 00:44:12,149
So, which, specifically,
of the cars belong
to George Simmons?
968
00:44:12,733 --> 00:44:14,317
Which one?
Yeah.
969
00:44:14,402 --> 00:44:15,610
All of them.
970
00:44:16,070 --> 00:44:17,404
All of them?
Yeah.
971
00:44:17,488 --> 00:44:18,905
Well...
972
00:44:19,407 --> 00:44:21,408
How would I go
about selling?
973
00:44:22,285 --> 00:44:23,910
Selling them?
Yeah.
974
00:44:24,287 --> 00:44:27,038
Well, I don't know about
selling them but I can
make a few disappear.
975
00:44:27,123 --> 00:44:28,498
You know what I'm saying?
976
00:44:29,417 --> 00:44:30,792
I don't want
to do that.
977
00:44:30,877 --> 00:44:32,878
I don't want
to do that, either.
978
00:44:33,087 --> 00:44:34,546
Just kidding.
979
00:44:40,803 --> 00:44:43,597
DIRECTOR: Scene D is up!
Let's go on a bell.
Yo Teach!
980
00:44:43,681 --> 00:44:44,681
(BUZZING)
981
00:44:44,765 --> 00:44:46,016
And action!
982
00:44:46,100 --> 00:44:48,018
All right now...
Bradford!
983
00:44:48,102 --> 00:44:49,769
Yeah?
What is this?
984
00:44:51,731 --> 00:44:53,106
Bo's English test.
985
00:44:53,191 --> 00:44:54,566
Well, there's
a mistake.
986
00:44:55,443 --> 00:44:57,152
Well, yeah, there
are lots of mistakes.
987
00:44:57,236 --> 00:44:58,862
That's why
there's an F on it.
988
00:44:58,946 --> 00:45:02,491
PRINCIPAL: You know, if Bo
doesn't pass, he can't play
in the big game Friday.
989
00:45:02,575 --> 00:45:04,201
Either you
make this right,
990
00:45:04,285 --> 00:45:09,164
or you'll be spending
the summer teaching
driver's ed. Honk, honk!
991
00:45:10,458 --> 00:45:11,708
Shit.
992
00:45:11,792 --> 00:45:13,084
I can't be
a part of this.
I'm not...
993
00:45:13,169 --> 00:45:14,461
Yeah. I'm gonna go.
994
00:45:15,796 --> 00:45:17,380
This is just so painful,
though, isn't it?
995
00:45:17,465 --> 00:45:19,799
Yes, I want to kill myself.
996
00:45:20,635 --> 00:45:23,178
So, where are you from,
originally?
You just moved here, right?
997
00:45:23,262 --> 00:45:24,930
Yep. Delaware.
998
00:45:25,014 --> 00:45:27,933
Delaware! Our first
state in the Union.
999
00:45:28,017 --> 00:45:29,518
Yes, it is.
1000
00:45:29,810 --> 00:45:31,937
That's great.
No sales tax
in Delaware, right?
1001
00:45:32,021 --> 00:45:33,730
Yeah, there's not.
That's weird.
1002
00:45:33,814 --> 00:45:35,732
You know so much
about Delaware.
1003
00:45:35,816 --> 00:45:37,400
You fucking Joe Biden?
1004
00:45:37,485 --> 00:45:39,486
He's from Delaware.
See? I knew that.
1005
00:45:40,571 --> 00:45:42,906
Bo, you're a smart kid.
I've seen you rap.
1006
00:45:42,990 --> 00:45:44,157
Yeah!
MARK: All right?
1007
00:45:44,242 --> 00:45:46,743
Now, I am willing to give
you a makeup exam on this,
all right?
1008
00:45:46,827 --> 00:45:48,119
Do you like music?
1009
00:45:48,204 --> 00:45:49,496
Did you just ask me
if I liked music?
1010
00:45:49,580 --> 00:45:52,374
Yeah. That... I'm...
I'm aware that
that's a weird question.
1011
00:45:52,458 --> 00:45:54,251
It's like asking me
if I like food.
1012
00:45:54,335 --> 00:45:56,336
That was my next question.
1013
00:45:56,546 --> 00:45:57,921
Yes.
Good.
1014
00:45:58,005 --> 00:46:01,424
Wilco. Do you like Wilco?
Wilco's playing
at the Greek Theatre.
1015
00:46:01,801 --> 00:46:04,302
And I was just
wondering if you maybe
wanted to go with me.
1016
00:46:04,387 --> 00:46:06,680
Yeah. I'll go. I'd be
into that. I like Wilco.
1017
00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:07,764
Great.
1018
00:46:07,848 --> 00:46:12,310
Okay, great, great.
So, I guess we will go
to the show together.
1019
00:46:12,395 --> 00:46:13,812
Not anymore.
1020
00:46:14,855 --> 00:46:16,147
You serious?
1021
00:46:16,983 --> 00:46:18,692
No, I'll go.
Oh, okay. Thank you.
1022
00:46:18,776 --> 00:46:19,776
Just don't say
that ever again.
1023
00:46:19,860 --> 00:46:20,860
Okay. I won't.
1024
00:46:20,945 --> 00:46:22,487
Yo, Teach!
Yeah?
1025
00:46:23,489 --> 00:46:24,572
Thanks.
1026
00:46:25,157 --> 00:46:26,157
Word.
1027
00:46:26,701 --> 00:46:32,789
(SINGING) Do-ra-mi, wiener
1028
00:46:32,873 --> 00:46:36,501
My name is Wiener
1029
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:40,171
My name is Wiener
My name is Wiener
1030
00:46:40,256 --> 00:46:42,007
Don't call me wiener
1031
00:46:42,341 --> 00:46:45,635
Whatever.
You got any jokes
for me, dum-dum?
1032
00:46:45,720 --> 00:46:47,846
Got some good ones,
I think, actually.
1033
00:46:48,180 --> 00:46:51,683
I have a thing
about how, like,
you're rich, you know,
1034
00:46:51,767 --> 00:46:52,934
and so you bought
a private jet,
1035
00:46:53,019 --> 00:46:54,185
but you're
afraid of flying,
1036
00:46:54,270 --> 00:46:55,270
so you just
drive in it.
1037
00:46:55,354 --> 00:46:56,563
Oh, that's funny.
1038
00:46:56,647 --> 00:46:58,982
You just go to
drive-throughs
and car washes.
1039
00:46:59,066 --> 00:47:01,776
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll come up with the ending,
but that was good.
1040
00:47:02,361 --> 00:47:05,947
I thought it could
be funny about your balls,
you know, about how, like,
1041
00:47:06,032 --> 00:47:09,451
you're getting older
and you found the first
gray hair on your balls.
1042
00:47:09,535 --> 00:47:11,786
And it really worried you,
but then you realized
it was good
1043
00:47:11,871 --> 00:47:14,289
'cause it made
your balls look
distinguished and smart.
1044
00:47:14,373 --> 00:47:17,834
Like, if you gave your balls
a little tweed jacket with
elbow pads and a little pipe,
1045
00:47:17,918 --> 00:47:22,088
your balls could be like
a character Kevin Kline
would play in a movie.
1046
00:47:22,173 --> 00:47:25,175
Yeah, that's funny,
that's funny.
I could do that.
1047
00:47:25,259 --> 00:47:26,301
What else you got?
1048
00:47:26,385 --> 00:47:30,055
Actually, this just
kind of happened.
1049
00:47:31,098 --> 00:47:33,558
I'm making you
an iTunes playlist.
1050
00:47:33,642 --> 00:47:35,602
For what?
Sometimes,
when I'm upset,
1051
00:47:35,686 --> 00:47:39,147
music makes me
feel a little better,
so I thought maybe...
1052
00:47:39,231 --> 00:47:40,774
Oh, it's
a cheer-me-up thing?
1053
00:47:40,858 --> 00:47:42,025
I was gonna just
put it on your iPod.
1054
00:47:42,109 --> 00:47:43,360
I don't have to
play it right now.
1055
00:47:43,486 --> 00:47:45,320
For what?
For when I go out jogging?
I don't need to...
1056
00:47:45,404 --> 00:47:49,074
Let me hear it.
I don’t jog anymore.
Let me hear my playlist.
1057
00:47:50,868 --> 00:47:52,744
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
1058
00:47:57,375 --> 00:48:00,460
(WHISPERING) Ira! Ira!
1059
00:48:01,420 --> 00:48:03,296
Okay, you don't have
to make fun of it.
1060
00:48:03,381 --> 00:48:05,173
No, Bob Marley!
1061
00:48:05,257 --> 00:48:08,968
Yes. Everything
is gonna be all right.
You're right, Ira.
1062
00:48:09,053 --> 00:48:12,097
Bob Marley had cancer.
Everything wasn't
all right for Bob Marley.
1063
00:48:12,181 --> 00:48:13,515
He dead now.
1064
00:48:13,599 --> 00:48:15,058
(LAUGHS) What else
you put on there for me?
1065
00:48:15,142 --> 00:48:16,559
I really don't want
to do this, George.
1066
00:48:16,644 --> 00:48:18,103
Can we just... I'll...
Just forget I did this.
1067
00:48:18,187 --> 00:48:19,604
Ignore it.
I'll erase it, okay?
1068
00:48:19,688 --> 00:48:23,691
No, no, no, don't do that.
Let's hear what's gonna
cheer me up! This is good.
1069
00:48:23,776 --> 00:48:25,276
Come on. What else you got?
1070
00:48:25,361 --> 00:48:26,694
Okay, here's
the next one.
1071
00:48:26,779 --> 00:48:27,779
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1072
00:48:27,863 --> 00:48:33,368
(MOUTHING) Now I've had
the time of my life
1073
00:48:33,452 --> 00:48:36,287
No, I never felt
like this before
1074
00:48:36,372 --> 00:48:37,789
I don't know what
to say to that one.
1075
00:48:37,873 --> 00:48:41,501
That's... That's just...
That's just fifth grade and...
1076
00:48:42,044 --> 00:48:45,046
Showing me your cock
was embarrassing,
but this is okay?
1077
00:48:45,131 --> 00:48:46,923
Oh, God.
That's a good song.
1078
00:48:47,007 --> 00:48:50,218
(LAUGHS) Yeah, what else?
Give me more. This is...
This is unbelievable.
1079
00:48:50,302 --> 00:48:52,011
(SIGHS) You sure you want
to hear another one?
1080
00:48:52,096 --> 00:48:53,096
I don't...
Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
1081
00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:55,181
This is fun
to be cheered up.
1082
00:48:55,266 --> 00:48:56,266
(SIGHS) I'm sorry...
1083
00:48:56,350 --> 00:48:58,393
(SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1084
00:49:01,439 --> 00:49:05,817
(SINGING) Shadows are falling
And I'm running out of breath
1085
00:49:06,944 --> 00:49:09,946
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1086
00:49:11,699 --> 00:49:16,494
If I leave you,
it doesn't mean
I love you any less
1087
00:49:17,746 --> 00:49:20,832
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1088
00:49:22,501 --> 00:49:27,547
When you get up
in the morning
And you see that crazy sun
1089
00:49:28,507 --> 00:49:31,551
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1090
00:49:33,512 --> 00:49:36,431
Just write me some jokes,
you stupid, fucking idiot.
1091
00:49:36,515 --> 00:49:38,141
Okay, I'm sorry.
1092
00:49:39,310 --> 00:49:42,353
Keep me in your heart
for a while
1093
00:49:42,438 --> 00:49:43,438
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1094
00:49:43,522 --> 00:49:45,899
So, I'm not married.
I don't think I'm ever
gonna get married.
1095
00:49:45,983 --> 00:49:48,067
I just... I can't find
a reason to do it, you know?
1096
00:49:48,152 --> 00:49:49,569
Like, I got friends, like,
1097
00:49:49,653 --> 00:49:51,488
"You gotta get married.
My wife.
1098
00:49:51,614 --> 00:49:53,448
"My wife is a...
She's the best cook.
1099
00:49:53,532 --> 00:49:54,782
"My wife's the... You gotta."
1100
00:49:54,867 --> 00:49:57,285
And I'm like,
"My cook's the best cook."
1101
00:49:57,369 --> 00:49:59,496
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1102
00:49:59,580 --> 00:50:01,706
"But my wife,
she's my best friend."
1103
00:50:02,541 --> 00:50:04,876
"Yeah, my cook's actually
a pretty good guy." You know?
1104
00:50:05,753 --> 00:50:07,629
This could be funny.
1105
00:50:07,713 --> 00:50:11,549
Like, your dad didn't
like you, so he named
you and your dog George.
1106
00:50:11,634 --> 00:50:13,676
He'd be like,
"Hey, George,
come in here!
1107
00:50:14,053 --> 00:50:15,762
"Not you, the dog."
1108
00:50:16,263 --> 00:50:18,640
"George, I... Look at this
awesome book I just got!"
1109
00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:20,266
And then you
come in, it's like,
"Not you, the dog."
1110
00:50:20,351 --> 00:50:21,351
That's funny.
Yeah.
1111
00:50:21,435 --> 00:50:24,062
"Hey, George, I made
a nice steak for you."
"Hey, thanks, Dad."
1112
00:50:24,146 --> 00:50:25,939
"Not you, the dog."
1113
00:50:26,106 --> 00:50:30,693
"Hey, George, I just put some
peanut butter on my balls.
Come lick it up. You."
1114
00:50:32,321 --> 00:50:33,821
Fuck him.
1115
00:50:33,906 --> 00:50:39,244
I miss the dry hump
as a concept in my life.
It just doesn't...
1116
00:50:39,328 --> 00:50:43,206
I miss the dry hump 'cause
you don't need a big dick
to be a good dry humper.
1117
00:50:43,290 --> 00:50:46,292
You just need a big thigh,
that's all you need.
1118
00:50:46,377 --> 00:50:49,337
Be able to get your thigh
in there real good.
1119
00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:52,298
I can thigh
the hell out of a girl.
1120
00:50:52,383 --> 00:50:56,511
Sexually,
I'm completely terrible,
but I could do this all day.
1121
00:50:57,179 --> 00:51:02,141
I'm very rich, by the way.
I know that makes you feel
good about your life.
1122
00:51:02,226 --> 00:51:03,393
I got so much.
1123
00:51:03,477 --> 00:51:06,145
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"You have so much.
Why not me?"
1124
00:51:06,230 --> 00:51:08,982
I have people stop me
on the streets
sometimes, just go,
1125
00:51:09,066 --> 00:51:13,194
"You have so much!"
"Yes, yes." "Why not me?"
1126
00:51:13,279 --> 00:51:14,237
Like, "I don't know."
1127
00:51:14,321 --> 00:51:19,117
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"Why you? I came out
here to do what you do."
1128
00:51:19,201 --> 00:51:20,201
"Well, you're not doing it."
1129
00:51:20,286 --> 00:51:22,120
"No, I'm not!
1130
00:51:22,204 --> 00:51:26,082
"Fuck you!
I want all your money
and all your whores."
1131
00:51:27,167 --> 00:51:29,210
Airplanes are
the last public place
1132
00:51:29,295 --> 00:51:31,796
where you can fart
as loud as you want
and no one cares.
1133
00:51:32,172 --> 00:51:34,132
'Cause they don't...
It's loud.
There's engine noise.
1134
00:51:34,216 --> 00:51:35,258
They just don't
know it's you.
1135
00:51:35,342 --> 00:51:37,969
Like, you could
literally be talking
to someone you just met
1136
00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:39,929
and be sitting this
far away from them
1137
00:51:40,014 --> 00:51:42,599
and look them dead
in the eye as they talk
about their grandson
1138
00:51:42,683 --> 00:51:45,602
and just fart as loud
as you humanly can. Just...
1139
00:51:45,686 --> 00:51:46,769
(IMITATING FART)
1140
00:51:46,854 --> 00:51:49,272
"Yeah? Where's
your grandson from?"
1141
00:51:49,356 --> 00:51:52,150
My asshole's been
open this whole time.
It's just still...
1142
00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:58,114
Hey, can you help me with
some of my jokes when I...
When I drop you off later?
1143
00:51:58,198 --> 00:51:59,616
Help you with
some of your bits?
Yeah.
1144
00:51:59,700 --> 00:52:01,618
No. I'm not gonna
help you, man.
1145
00:52:01,702 --> 00:52:04,120
No one helped me
when I started.
1146
00:52:04,204 --> 00:52:06,539
Fucking,
I'm not paying to help you,
I'm paying you to help me.
1147
00:52:06,624 --> 00:52:08,499
No, okay.
You're right,
you're right.
1148
00:52:08,584 --> 00:52:12,211
There is always the one
girl out there, though.
The one that got away.
1149
00:52:12,296 --> 00:52:17,216
Guys have that
and serial killers have that.
The one that got away.
1150
00:52:17,301 --> 00:52:22,472
"I had her,
the trunk was lined
with garbage bags
1151
00:52:22,556 --> 00:52:24,515
"and then she got away."
1152
00:52:26,435 --> 00:52:28,895
I'm sick of rap songs
telling me what to do.
1153
00:52:30,230 --> 00:52:34,859
"Bend over.
Slap your ass, girl.
Drop it like it's hot."
1154
00:52:35,235 --> 00:52:36,486
Yeah, I'm gonna
write a song back.
1155
00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:40,323
I'm gonna be, like,
"Boy, brush your teeth!
1156
00:52:41,116 --> 00:52:46,537
"Yeah, boy, bump that
jacket off your back.
I'm fucking cold as shit!"
1157
00:52:47,915 --> 00:52:49,332
I masturbate so much
with hand cream,
1158
00:52:49,416 --> 00:52:53,002
I forget people
use it for shit other
than masturbating.
1159
00:52:53,087 --> 00:52:55,338
Literally,
when I'm in public and I see
someone pull out hand cream,
1160
00:52:55,422 --> 00:52:58,174
I'm like, "This guy's
about to jerk off!"
1161
00:52:58,342 --> 00:52:59,384
Can I ask you
something?
1162
00:52:59,468 --> 00:53:03,721
Is your act just designed
to make sure no girl will
ever sleep with you again?
1163
00:53:03,806 --> 00:53:07,016
All you fucking talk about
is jacking off and farting.
1164
00:53:07,101 --> 00:53:08,851
You think a girl's
gonna come up
to you after the show,
1165
00:53:09,228 --> 00:53:12,105
"Could you just
jack off for me
and then fart in my face?"
1166
00:53:12,189 --> 00:53:15,108
It's fucking insane!
Do you want
to get laid, ever?
1167
00:53:24,743 --> 00:53:29,664
(SINGING) How will you
people live without me?
1168
00:53:31,208 --> 00:53:35,962
Who will bring you joy
when I'm gone?
1169
00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:41,926
'Cause I'm one funny man
1170
00:53:42,177 --> 00:53:45,346
I bring the comedy
1171
00:53:45,431 --> 00:53:50,226
I am the one you go to,
to get cheered up
1172
00:53:50,310 --> 00:53:51,936
(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
1173
00:53:52,354 --> 00:53:56,065
Put in my movies
1174
00:53:56,150 --> 00:54:02,321
Escape, if you will
To a land of loveliness
1175
00:54:05,325 --> 00:54:08,286
He doesn't have patience
1176
00:54:08,370 --> 00:54:14,834
He hates so many people
He's mad when others do well
1177
00:54:15,085 --> 00:54:21,424
He hates himself
Fuck George Simmons
1178
00:54:21,842 --> 00:54:25,052
He has a medium-sized penis
1179
00:54:25,137 --> 00:54:30,016
He fucked so many girls
And yet no one remembers
1180
00:54:30,476 --> 00:54:33,603
When he's done fucking them
1181
00:54:33,812 --> 00:54:37,231
The girl just
lays there and says
1182
00:54:37,316 --> 00:54:42,236
I should have fucked
Jean-Claude Van Damme
instead of you
1183
00:54:43,155 --> 00:54:48,242
Fuck, yeah! Fuck, yeah!
1184
00:54:49,870 --> 00:54:54,373
George Simmons
soon will be gone
1185
00:54:57,461 --> 00:55:00,755
And he will not
miss you people at all.
1186
00:55:02,216 --> 00:55:05,676
Our relationship has
always been strained.
1187
00:55:05,761 --> 00:55:10,681
You always wanted
too much from me,
and I'm very mad at you.
1188
00:55:11,558 --> 00:55:16,062
Leave me alone.
Don't visit my grave,
cocksuckers.
1189
00:55:17,606 --> 00:55:18,773
Peace!
1190
00:55:19,691 --> 00:55:21,442
(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
1191
00:55:23,487 --> 00:55:25,404
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1192
00:55:32,704 --> 00:55:34,205
IRA: Oh, my God,
it's George Simmons!
1193
00:55:35,082 --> 00:55:37,625
What are you doing here?
What's happening?
1194
00:55:37,709 --> 00:55:41,504
I couldn't sleep.
I want to get
the Cavaliers game.
1195
00:55:41,588 --> 00:55:43,172
I can't get this
thing ever to work.
1196
00:55:43,257 --> 00:55:47,468
I was up all night, man.
I had a terrible sleep.
I was sweating my ass off.
1197
00:55:47,553 --> 00:55:50,012
I'm fucking hot one second
and cold one second
1198
00:55:50,097 --> 00:55:53,015
and the a/c
don't work for shit.
1199
00:55:53,100 --> 00:55:56,143
It's always going
up to the roof.
1200
00:55:56,228 --> 00:55:57,436
What time is it?
1201
00:55:57,521 --> 00:55:59,063
It says 3:00.
1202
00:55:59,856 --> 00:56:04,485
It's 3:00? God damn it!
I can't fucking waste time.
I gotta...
1203
00:56:06,780 --> 00:56:09,282
All right,
let's start my goddamn day.
1204
00:56:10,242 --> 00:56:11,701
I don't got time
for this shit.
1205
00:56:11,785 --> 00:56:14,412
Let me have that
stupid clicker. Come on.
1206
00:56:16,915 --> 00:56:19,125
They keep telling me that
I gotta dial an extension.
1207
00:56:19,209 --> 00:56:23,087
I don't even have
the fucking number to dial
for the fucking extension!
1208
00:56:23,171 --> 00:56:24,255
Do you want me
to try calling them?
1209
00:56:24,464 --> 00:56:25,923
You should have
fucking called them!
1210
00:56:26,008 --> 00:56:28,301
Where the fuck
were you last night?
1211
00:56:28,635 --> 00:56:29,677
You'll call them.
1212
00:56:29,761 --> 00:56:31,178
I'm sorry, man.
1213
00:56:31,263 --> 00:56:32,930
Just tell me what you need,
I'll get it done, okay?
1214
00:56:33,015 --> 00:56:36,100
You pay for all of this stuff
and none of it ever works!
1215
00:56:36,184 --> 00:56:39,061
Nothing!
I don't even
think I'm sick!
1216
00:56:39,146 --> 00:56:42,023
These guys are trying
to fucking kill me!
1217
00:56:42,774 --> 00:56:46,027
I want to go to the doctor.
I gotta see this guy.
1218
00:56:46,111 --> 00:56:48,487
What the fuck is happening?
1219
00:56:49,990 --> 00:56:53,326
This medicine does not work.
It makes it worse!
1220
00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:55,536
Okay. I'll call them
right now. I'll tell
them we're coming, okay?
1221
00:56:55,621 --> 00:56:57,246
Now. We gotta go now.
1222
00:56:57,331 --> 00:56:58,414
I'll call them
right now, okay?
1223
00:56:58,498 --> 00:57:00,458
Yeah.
I'll meet you downstairs.
1224
00:57:04,046 --> 00:57:06,756
(ENGINE REVVING ONSCREEN)
1225
00:57:09,051 --> 00:57:13,638
Please put away
the video game.
Don't do that. Don't be rude.
1226
00:57:13,722 --> 00:57:14,722
I'm sorry.
1227
00:57:14,806 --> 00:57:15,765
Fucking playing Centipede?
1228
00:57:15,849 --> 00:57:17,224
What the fuck
were you playing?
1229
00:57:17,309 --> 00:57:19,101
Just a driving game.
1230
00:57:20,687 --> 00:57:21,729
Hello, Mr. Simmons.
1231
00:57:21,813 --> 00:57:22,772
Hey, yeah, Doctor,
good to see you.
1232
00:57:22,856 --> 00:57:23,939
How are you?
I brought my friend.
1233
00:57:24,024 --> 00:57:28,194
This is my...
Well, my lover, my life
partner, my everything.
1234
00:57:28,278 --> 00:57:30,821
How are you?
What's going on?
How we doing?
1235
00:57:30,906 --> 00:57:34,033
Well, your immune system
is in the middle of
a very serious battle.
1236
00:57:34,534 --> 00:57:36,452
The medicine is trying
to combat the disease,
1237
00:57:36,536 --> 00:57:38,954
but in the process
it destroys healthy tissue
1238
00:57:39,039 --> 00:57:41,332
and disrupts healthy
functioning of your organs
1239
00:57:41,416 --> 00:57:43,918
and multiple
lymphatic systems,
1240
00:57:44,002 --> 00:57:46,170
so you're getting
attacked on two levels.
1241
00:57:46,463 --> 00:57:48,422
And we hope the disease
is vanquished
1242
00:57:48,507 --> 00:57:51,425
before it and the medicine
does damage
which cannot be contained.
1243
00:57:51,843 --> 00:57:53,469
Okay.
1244
00:57:53,553 --> 00:57:55,221
Your accent
is very thick.
1245
00:57:56,723 --> 00:57:58,015
You ever notice
your accent
1246
00:57:58,100 --> 00:58:01,686
makes things sound
worse than they...
Than they actually are?
1247
00:58:02,145 --> 00:58:04,355
You could give good news,
and I'd still be like,
1248
00:58:04,439 --> 00:58:06,190
"What happened?
Am I still dying?"
1249
00:58:07,067 --> 00:58:08,567
I'm just trying
to help you.
1250
00:58:08,902 --> 00:58:11,237
I know you sound
like a regular Joe
where you come from,
1251
00:58:11,321 --> 00:58:17,201
but here I keep thinking
you're gonna be torturing
James Bond later.
1252
00:58:17,285 --> 00:58:21,247
I'm sure your sense of humor
will serve you well
in this situation.
1253
00:58:21,331 --> 00:58:26,252
There he goes again.
All so terrifying because
it came out of your mouth.
1254
00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:28,504
You are a very funny man.
1255
00:58:28,588 --> 00:58:30,923
Are you mad that you died
at the end of Die Hard?
1256
00:58:31,299 --> 00:58:33,759
I don't understand
the reference.
1257
00:58:35,220 --> 00:58:37,430
He kind of looks
like those two guys
in the second Matrix movie.
1258
00:58:37,764 --> 00:58:38,889
(CHUCKLES)
1259
00:58:38,974 --> 00:58:41,142
I assure you I was
not in The Matrix.
1260
00:58:41,226 --> 00:58:44,270
Why did you eat Björn Borg?
What did he do to you?
1261
00:58:44,354 --> 00:58:48,149
If you have
no other questions,
I do have other patients.
1262
00:58:48,233 --> 00:58:52,194
You have other patients
that you have to frighten
by the end of the day?
1263
00:58:52,279 --> 00:58:53,738
How many patients
do you frighten a day?
1264
00:58:53,822 --> 00:58:56,699
And I am slowly getting
a little bit annoyed
1265
00:58:56,783 --> 00:59:00,536
by these humorous
activities from you guys.
1266
00:59:01,288 --> 00:59:02,288
So, I think you and...
1267
00:59:02,372 --> 00:59:03,914
We have discussed
this and I am very,
1268
00:59:03,999 --> 00:59:06,584
very sympathetic
to your recovery,
1269
00:59:06,668 --> 00:59:10,087
and I hope we will succeed
with what we are doing.
1270
00:59:10,172 --> 00:59:12,715
I've been trying
to build this cabinet
I bought from you guys
1271
00:59:12,799 --> 00:59:15,009
for, like, six months
and I gotta...
1272
00:59:15,093 --> 00:59:16,969
IKEA? That's very funny.
1273
00:59:27,355 --> 00:59:29,315
Hey. Yo, Teach.
Hey.
1274
00:59:31,067 --> 00:59:32,777
How's... How was the taping?
1275
00:59:32,861 --> 00:59:35,654
Great. Great, yeah.
I'm happy with it.
1276
00:59:35,739 --> 00:59:37,364
I think the ending
really murdered.
1277
00:59:37,449 --> 00:59:40,284
Was it a very
special episode?
1278
00:59:41,953 --> 00:59:44,413
You remember
Daisy, right?
1279
00:59:44,498 --> 00:59:45,748
Yeah, of course.
1280
00:59:46,208 --> 00:59:47,249
Hey.
1281
00:59:47,334 --> 00:59:48,626
MARK: I'm sorry.
1282
00:59:48,710 --> 00:59:50,377
I didn't know you'd
be coming home tonight.
1283
00:59:50,462 --> 00:59:53,172
I thought maybe you'd
be spending the night
at George's and...
1284
00:59:53,256 --> 00:59:57,218
Guess it's been
more than 10 days, huh?
1285
00:59:57,302 --> 01:00:00,888
(SOFTLY) Yeah,
I gave you an extra 11.
1286
01:00:00,972 --> 01:00:02,097
What are you guys
talking about?
1287
01:00:02,182 --> 01:00:04,058
Nothing.
Doesn't matter.
It's cool.
1288
01:00:04,142 --> 01:00:06,352
Don't give a shit.
Totally fine.
1289
01:00:11,191 --> 01:00:13,859
Hey. I saw the new
Harry Potter movie.
1290
01:00:15,111 --> 01:00:16,111
Harry's getting old.
1291
01:00:16,196 --> 01:00:17,196
He's, like,
older than my dad.
1292
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:18,781
They should call
him Harold Potter.
1293
01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:21,742
That Hermione's got
some big, old titties.
1294
01:00:25,622 --> 01:00:26,831
Whoa!
1295
01:00:26,915 --> 01:00:30,876
Did you two just bone?
I'm getting a little
vibe here.
1296
01:00:30,961 --> 01:00:33,879
This is exciting.
Think I'm getting
a quarter chub.
1297
01:00:34,381 --> 01:00:35,381
(SIGHS)
1298
01:00:35,465 --> 01:00:36,799
Why is Ira so upset?
1299
01:00:36,883 --> 01:00:39,301
It's been, like,
way after 10 days.
1300
01:00:39,386 --> 01:00:42,471
He can't call dibs
on every girl he meets.
1301
01:00:42,806 --> 01:00:45,307
We were supposed to go out
on a date together.
1302
01:00:45,392 --> 01:00:48,060
We are going
out on a date.
I thought so.
1303
01:00:48,144 --> 01:00:49,311
We're not anymore! No!
1304
01:00:49,396 --> 01:00:50,437
Really?
1305
01:00:50,522 --> 01:00:54,650
'Cause after you
fuck my roommate
that kind of ends it with me!
1306
01:00:54,734 --> 01:00:57,152
What are you talking about?
Don't treat me like that.
1307
01:00:57,237 --> 01:01:00,447
Just so you know
how I'm seeing you?
You're a starfucker.
1308
01:01:00,532 --> 01:01:02,825
You're a girl who met
a star and then fucked him.
1309
01:01:02,909 --> 01:01:04,618
And he's not even
that famous!
1310
01:01:04,703 --> 01:01:07,872
What if like a real
good-looking celebrity
was my roommate?
1311
01:01:07,956 --> 01:01:11,959
What if I lived with,
you know, James McAvoy
or Jude Law or something?
1312
01:01:12,460 --> 01:01:14,795
I don't know.
I probably would fuck
both of those people.
1313
01:01:14,880 --> 01:01:15,838
Don't say that.
1314
01:01:15,922 --> 01:01:17,715
I'm sorry!
Lower the bar
a little bit.
1315
01:01:17,799 --> 01:01:19,383
I can't believe that!
1316
01:01:19,718 --> 01:01:20,968
(GROANS)
1317
01:01:21,052 --> 01:01:26,307
If a hot girl walked over
here, naked, and was like,
"Do my body," you would.
1318
01:01:26,433 --> 01:01:27,808
You would have
sex with her.
1319
01:01:27,893 --> 01:01:30,269
No, I'd feel
really uncomfortable.
1320
01:01:30,395 --> 01:01:32,688
And then I might ask
her to a Wilco show.
1321
01:01:32,772 --> 01:01:37,192
Okay, then you're the first
guy in the world that I've
ever met that's like that.
1322
01:01:37,652 --> 01:01:40,237
I thought you were
the kind of girl
that would wait two months
1323
01:01:40,322 --> 01:01:41,363
and then have
sex with a guy.
1324
01:01:41,448 --> 01:01:42,448
I didn't think
you would just...
1325
01:01:42,532 --> 01:01:44,617
I'm an independent woman.
1326
01:01:44,701 --> 01:01:47,202
I'm allowed
to fuck people.
1327
01:01:47,454 --> 01:01:50,581
Well, if I had known that,
I would have scheduled
our date a lot sooner!
1328
01:01:52,250 --> 01:01:54,710
Give me a break.
I don't even know you.
1329
01:01:54,878 --> 01:01:57,838
This is the longest
conversation
we've ever had.
1330
01:02:03,678 --> 01:02:08,557
Don't be mad at me.
I said I'd give
you 10 days.
1331
01:02:08,642 --> 01:02:10,184
I gave you three weeks.
1332
01:02:13,563 --> 01:02:14,813
I thought you
were joking, man.
1333
01:02:14,898 --> 01:02:17,399
I'm gonna be
honest with you.
1334
01:02:17,484 --> 01:02:20,319
We... We... We want to fuck
every girl that we meet.
1335
01:02:21,655 --> 01:02:22,613
That's how it works.
1336
01:02:22,697 --> 01:02:25,741
If I didn't sleep with
every girl you wished
you could sleep with,
1337
01:02:25,825 --> 01:02:27,451
I wouldn't sleep
with anybody.
1338
01:02:27,535 --> 01:02:30,120
It's a communication
breakdown.
We can fix this.
1339
01:02:30,622 --> 01:02:32,414
I don't care.
The fact that you
had sex with her...
1340
01:02:32,499 --> 01:02:36,877
I can never do anything
like that with her.
1341
01:02:36,962 --> 01:02:41,256
So, you're really not
gonna chase this girl
just because I was with her?
1342
01:02:41,341 --> 01:02:42,466
Yeah.
1343
01:02:43,176 --> 01:02:44,259
Huh.
1344
01:02:45,095 --> 01:02:47,262
It's kind of insulting,
on some level.
1345
01:02:50,058 --> 01:02:52,434
Wanna go to Wilco with me?
1346
01:02:53,228 --> 01:02:56,271
I wish I could,
but I'm going
with Tobey Maguire.
1347
01:02:56,356 --> 01:02:58,983
I might play
his little brother
in this movie.
1348
01:03:02,946 --> 01:03:03,946
(SIGHS)
1349
01:03:04,030 --> 01:03:05,656
I hope I get it.
1350
01:03:10,662 --> 01:03:14,164
GEORGE: Give me something.
You didn't get rid of them.
What did you get rid of?
1351
01:03:14,249 --> 01:03:16,000
IRA: Well, I, you know,
I got a few good offers,
1352
01:03:16,084 --> 01:03:18,544
but honestly, I don't
know how much each car
is worth and I...
1353
01:03:18,628 --> 01:03:20,504
They keep on wanting
to buy all of them
1354
01:03:20,588 --> 01:03:22,006
and it's hard for me to...
Don't make it a big deal.
1355
01:03:22,090 --> 01:03:24,967
Don't get
a stomach-ache over it.
Just sell them.
1356
01:03:25,051 --> 01:03:26,260
Give it to a charity.
Move on.
1357
01:03:26,344 --> 01:03:27,344
Okay.
1358
01:03:27,470 --> 01:03:28,679
I just want to be
happy about
1359
01:03:28,763 --> 01:03:29,805
giving something
away, you know.
1360
01:03:29,889 --> 01:03:30,889
Okay.
1361
01:03:30,974 --> 01:03:31,974
So...
1362
01:03:33,560 --> 01:03:36,186
There's something
I've really been wanting
to tell you, George.
1363
01:03:36,271 --> 01:03:37,396
Uh-oh.
1364
01:03:38,189 --> 01:03:39,440
Yeah.
1365
01:03:39,524 --> 01:03:44,069
I feel as though you need
to tell someone other than me
about your condition.
1366
01:03:45,697 --> 01:03:47,156
I don't want to do that.
1367
01:03:47,240 --> 01:03:48,699
George,
people care about you.
1368
01:03:48,783 --> 01:03:50,784
You have to let them
be there for you.
1369
01:03:51,745 --> 01:03:55,581
I tell somebody,
then it's all gonna change,
and you can't get it back.
1370
01:03:56,374 --> 01:03:58,208
Everything's
already changed, George,
1371
01:03:58,293 --> 01:04:02,504
and the truth is
soon you're gonna
start getting very sick
1372
01:04:02,589 --> 01:04:04,673
and you are gonna want
someone other than me there.
1373
01:04:05,175 --> 01:04:07,384
I mean, have you...
Have you even told
your parents yet?
1374
01:04:07,469 --> 01:04:09,595
My parents are
in their mid-70s.
1375
01:04:09,679 --> 01:04:12,347
They would drop dead
if they heard about this.
1376
01:04:12,432 --> 01:04:14,266
Friends. You must want
to tell your friends.
1377
01:04:14,350 --> 01:04:16,393
I don't really
have any friends.
1378
01:04:16,478 --> 01:04:18,812
I have people
I shoot the shit with
and fuck around with,
1379
01:04:18,897 --> 01:04:20,689
but there's nobody
I'm really close with.
1380
01:04:20,774 --> 01:04:22,232
I've got showbiz friends.
1381
01:04:22,317 --> 01:04:25,778
Andy Dick isn't a friend.
He's just a guy you know.
1382
01:04:25,862 --> 01:04:28,363
You're my closest friend,
and I don't even like you.
1383
01:04:28,448 --> 01:04:29,448
(SIGHS)
1384
01:04:29,532 --> 01:04:31,617
You have to tell
someone other than me, man.
1385
01:04:31,701 --> 01:04:33,368
I can't be
the only one who knows.
1386
01:04:33,453 --> 01:04:34,912
I've never dealt
with anything like this.
1387
01:04:34,996 --> 01:04:37,372
All my grandparents
are alive.
1388
01:04:37,457 --> 01:04:40,876
Listen,
this is not your job to cry.
Your job is to not cry.
1389
01:04:40,960 --> 01:04:43,921
I'm just trying
to talk to you
man-to-man, George.
1390
01:04:44,005 --> 01:04:46,006
As a man, you are
crying right now.
1391
01:04:46,091 --> 01:04:47,091
I'm not crying.
1392
01:04:47,175 --> 01:04:49,468
People are gonna think
we just broke up
or something, Ira.
1393
01:04:49,552 --> 01:04:51,220
Stop doing what
you're doing.
1394
01:04:51,304 --> 01:04:52,346
Okay, I'll stop.
1395
01:04:52,430 --> 01:04:56,350
You're causing a scene.
You're making
crazy faces now, Ira.
1396
01:04:56,935 --> 01:04:59,436
Open your eyes.
Stop crying.
1397
01:04:59,521 --> 01:05:00,562
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
1398
01:05:00,647 --> 01:05:03,065
You're making noises now?
You look like
the Incredible Hulk.
1399
01:05:03,149 --> 01:05:04,149
(SPLUTTERS)
1400
01:05:04,234 --> 01:05:06,110
Jesus,
you're spitting
on my shrimp,
1401
01:05:06,194 --> 01:05:07,611
you asshole.
I'm sorry.
1402
01:05:07,695 --> 01:05:08,904
(SNIFFLES)
1403
01:05:08,988 --> 01:05:09,947
God, I'm sorry.
1404
01:05:10,031 --> 01:05:11,073
Come on.
Wipe it off.
1405
01:05:11,825 --> 01:05:13,450
Jesus Christ.
1406
01:05:14,369 --> 01:05:16,745
I'm sorry, I just don't know.
1407
01:05:16,830 --> 01:05:18,122
This is the worst.
1408
01:05:18,206 --> 01:05:20,707
Why didn't I just get hit
by a fucking foul ball?
1409
01:05:21,751 --> 01:05:23,836
You ruined The Palm,
you fucking ass.
1410
01:05:26,464 --> 01:05:29,341
This could have been
the best meal, ever.
1411
01:05:30,468 --> 01:05:31,927
Should I get you
ice chips or something?
1412
01:05:32,011 --> 01:05:33,846
No, I'm good.
1413
01:05:34,556 --> 01:05:35,931
You never had any kids, huh?
1414
01:05:36,015 --> 01:05:37,599
No. No.
We didn't get to that.
1415
01:05:37,684 --> 01:05:39,184
I have three.
1416
01:05:39,269 --> 01:05:40,269
I know.
1417
01:05:40,353 --> 01:05:42,437
Three kids to carry
on the Dick legacy.
1418
01:05:42,522 --> 01:05:46,733
How the hell did you have
any kids with all
the penises you've blown?
1419
01:05:46,818 --> 01:05:50,487
I sucked my own dick
and spit it
into their vagina.
1420
01:05:52,031 --> 01:05:54,825
I mean, knowing that.
Most people just go
through life asleep anyways.
1421
01:05:54,909 --> 01:05:57,035
Some of those people
don't even wake up
until they get, you know,
1422
01:05:57,120 --> 01:05:58,495
the Dr. Death call,
you know.
1423
01:05:58,580 --> 01:06:01,415
(IN HUSKY VOICE)
"This is Dr. Death!
You're going to die."
1424
01:06:01,499 --> 01:06:03,375
(RASPING) "Don't
be afraid, George.
1425
01:06:03,459 --> 01:06:08,297
"It's just Death calling.
Cheer up, motherfucker!"
1426
01:06:08,882 --> 01:06:10,424
Yeah.
Fuck negativity.
1427
01:06:10,508 --> 01:06:13,135
Fuck it in the ass
with a Chinese monkey!
1428
01:06:14,053 --> 01:06:16,054
I wish I wasn't
so fucking angry
with you right now.
1429
01:06:16,806 --> 01:06:19,099
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't
a good brother.
1430
01:06:19,184 --> 01:06:20,559
You were
a terrible brother.
1431
01:06:20,643 --> 01:06:22,060
You just left us
and you didn't care.
1432
01:06:22,145 --> 01:06:24,062
You didn't give
a shit about us.
1433
01:06:24,147 --> 01:06:25,981
You don't even give a...
You moved to Kansas.
1434
01:06:26,107 --> 01:06:28,066
Am I supposed
to visit you in Kansas?
Yes.
1435
01:06:28,151 --> 01:06:30,652
I thought that's
why you moved there,
so you didn't get visitors.
1436
01:06:30,737 --> 01:06:32,112
You're so fucking selfish.
1437
01:06:32,197 --> 01:06:33,238
I know.
1438
01:06:33,323 --> 01:06:36,408
You've only seen my son,
like, three times.
1439
01:06:36,492 --> 01:06:39,328
I send him fucking
DVDs all the time.
1440
01:06:39,412 --> 01:06:41,413
He doesn't want your DVDs.
1441
01:06:41,497 --> 01:06:43,081
He wants you to be
a part of his life.
1442
01:06:43,166 --> 01:06:45,167
He wants to be
a part of yours.
1443
01:06:45,251 --> 01:06:47,711
Wow. This has been great.
1444
01:06:47,795 --> 01:06:51,673
I want to call Dad now
and just have
more family time.
1445
01:06:51,841 --> 01:06:54,843
What did we
ever do to you?
I'm not Dad.
1446
01:06:57,180 --> 01:06:59,514
You are right.
1447
01:06:59,599 --> 01:07:03,810
You're very, very nice,
and I'm sorry
I don't know your son.
1448
01:07:03,895 --> 01:07:06,897
I'm sorry I don't
know you anymore.
1449
01:07:07,023 --> 01:07:09,191
I'm glad you
don't know me.
1450
01:07:09,275 --> 01:07:10,400
I wish I did.
1451
01:07:11,903 --> 01:07:14,780
You'd be let down,
believe me.
1452
01:07:22,914 --> 01:07:24,748
Oh, man.
1453
01:07:30,630 --> 01:07:32,172
Oh, God.
1454
01:07:35,301 --> 01:07:36,927
Who's that?
1455
01:07:37,011 --> 01:07:38,929
That's the girl
I was gonna marry...
1456
01:07:39,013 --> 01:07:40,180
(DOORBELL RINGS)
1457
01:07:40,265 --> 01:07:42,474
...but then she
smartened up.
1458
01:07:43,309 --> 01:07:45,769
So, she's 10
and she's six.
1459
01:07:45,853 --> 01:07:48,230
GEORGE: So cute.
1460
01:07:48,314 --> 01:07:50,399
Jeez, she looks like you,
the little one, huh?
1461
01:07:50,483 --> 01:07:51,525
Yeah.
1462
01:07:51,609 --> 01:07:54,444
What's the matter?
Your guy doesn't
have any DNA in him?
1463
01:07:54,529 --> 01:07:57,114
That's all Laura.
1464
01:07:57,198 --> 01:07:59,032
They fight a lot,
but they're cute.
1465
01:07:59,492 --> 01:08:03,328
Yeah.
Thank you so much
for coming here.
1466
01:08:03,830 --> 01:08:05,122
I wanted to come.
I wanted to see you.
1467
01:08:05,206 --> 01:08:06,415
You didn't have
to come here.
1468
01:08:06,499 --> 01:08:09,251
You didn't have to.
I know it's
stressful for you.
1469
01:08:09,669 --> 01:08:12,087
I'm just...
I'm just...
I'm so sorry.
1470
01:08:12,588 --> 01:08:14,923
I'm so sorry about
everything I did.
1471
01:08:15,508 --> 01:08:18,176
You don't have to be sorry.
That was 12 years ago.
1472
01:08:18,261 --> 01:08:20,095
Everything worked out
for the best.
1473
01:08:20,179 --> 01:08:22,389
It's good.
Look at your life.
This is great.
1474
01:08:22,765 --> 01:08:28,353
Yes. It's the best life.
I hate it. I hate it all.
1475
01:08:28,438 --> 01:08:29,604
I haven't been...
You don't hate it.
1476
01:08:29,689 --> 01:08:32,649
I'm addicted to it, I guess.
I keep doing it.
1477
01:08:33,026 --> 01:08:35,944
Hello, Wayne. This is Ira.
I'm calling to say
1478
01:08:36,029 --> 01:08:39,239
I don't think today
is a good day for you
to come by and see George.
1479
01:08:39,532 --> 01:08:42,576
Maybe tomorrow. So, I'll give
you a call when I know
what the schedule looks like.
1480
01:08:42,660 --> 01:08:44,953
Thank you.
I'll talk to you soon.
1481
01:08:46,331 --> 01:08:48,540
You have a family now.
You have a family now.
1482
01:08:48,624 --> 01:08:51,418
I'm so happy.
You did the right thing.
You moved on.
1483
01:08:51,502 --> 01:08:53,628
You got a good life.
1484
01:08:53,713 --> 01:08:56,840
And... And I just
got nothing, Laura.
I hate that.
1485
01:08:56,924 --> 01:08:59,509
I hate that it could
have been me with you.
1486
01:08:59,594 --> 01:09:00,802
Don't do that, please?
1487
01:09:00,887 --> 01:09:02,512
I'm sorry. I just fucking...
1488
01:09:02,597 --> 01:09:05,015
You... I could have
had those kids with you.
1489
01:09:05,975 --> 01:09:09,644
How could you cheat on me?
I was so hot.
1490
01:09:09,729 --> 01:09:11,271
You were.
You were so hot.
I don't know.
1491
01:09:11,356 --> 01:09:12,647
I was hot!
1492
01:09:12,732 --> 01:09:15,650
I don't even know what
the fuck I was doing.
1493
01:09:15,735 --> 01:09:20,238
I was just a stupid idiot.
I don't remember anybody else.
1494
01:09:20,365 --> 01:09:21,990
What was wrong with you?
I don't remember
anybody else.
1495
01:09:22,075 --> 01:09:23,742
I only remember you.
I don't know.
1496
01:09:23,826 --> 01:09:26,787
I don't even know
who they were,
who fucking ruined us.
1497
01:09:26,871 --> 01:09:30,082
They're not in
my brain, ever.
It's like it didn't happen.
1498
01:09:30,166 --> 01:09:32,042
The only thing
that happened was us.
1499
01:09:32,126 --> 01:09:34,836
And you ran away
'cause you had to.
1500
01:09:34,921 --> 01:09:36,755
I had to go.
1501
01:09:36,839 --> 01:09:40,050
At the time, I just
couldn't do it anymore.
1502
01:09:40,176 --> 01:09:42,386
Yeah.
But you know
what I realized?
1503
01:09:42,470 --> 01:09:44,137
I love my husband,
1504
01:09:45,515 --> 01:09:48,225
but it's just not the same.
1505
01:09:49,227 --> 01:09:52,896
And I loved you
so much and...
1506
01:09:54,440 --> 01:09:56,608
I know, I know,
I know, I know.
1507
01:09:56,692 --> 01:09:59,945
I have the same thing.
I have the same thing.
1508
01:10:00,029 --> 01:10:02,656
Don't feel bad.
Don't feel bad.
1509
01:10:02,782 --> 01:10:05,909
I love you. I love you.
I always loved you.
1510
01:10:05,993 --> 01:10:09,538
And the crazy thing is
he cheats on me, too.
1511
01:10:09,622 --> 01:10:10,580
I hate...
1512
01:10:10,665 --> 01:10:12,374
He's like an Australian you.
1513
01:10:13,126 --> 01:10:17,045
I fucking hate this guy.
Is he crazy?
1514
01:10:17,130 --> 01:10:20,382
It's just that
you were the one.
1515
01:10:20,466 --> 01:10:25,804
Just you are...
Were... Are the love...
1516
01:10:28,641 --> 01:10:32,519
Love of my life.
And I just love you.
1517
01:10:41,028 --> 01:10:43,447
Yeah, the hug
was a mistake,
wasn't it?
1518
01:10:46,742 --> 01:10:48,910
You're not sick, are you?
1519
01:10:48,995 --> 01:10:52,080
You're just doing that
to get me down here, huh?
1520
01:10:52,373 --> 01:10:53,665
(LAUGHS)
1521
01:10:55,001 --> 01:10:56,543
There are those
hands again.
1522
01:10:56,627 --> 01:10:58,128
My big hands.
1523
01:10:58,212 --> 01:11:00,088
Always made
my penis look small.
1524
01:11:00,173 --> 01:11:01,214
(LAUGHING)
1525
01:11:01,299 --> 01:11:03,842
Thank you, hands,
for that complex.
1526
01:11:05,845 --> 01:11:08,305
Yes. Jeez.
1527
01:11:08,389 --> 01:11:14,394
The two of them together,
it was a guaranteed dwarfing.
Okay.
1528
01:11:14,479 --> 01:11:16,897
(PLAYING ROCK MUSIC)
1529
01:11:22,111 --> 01:11:23,195
Yeah.
1530
01:11:25,323 --> 01:11:26,990
That was worth it.
1531
01:11:27,366 --> 01:11:29,284
We're into overtime now,
just so you know.
1532
01:11:29,368 --> 01:11:31,286
(LAUGHS) Jeez,
that came quick.
1533
01:11:31,370 --> 01:11:33,330
I wish that you guys
were really my friends
1534
01:11:33,414 --> 01:11:36,082
and I didn't
have to pay you
to jam with me.
1535
01:11:37,543 --> 01:11:40,545
All right,
so let's keep going then.
1536
01:11:40,922 --> 01:11:42,964
(PLAYING SOFT ROCK MUSIC)
1537
01:11:53,768 --> 01:11:57,437
(SINGING) All my little
plans and schemes
1538
01:11:59,482 --> 01:12:03,777
Lost like some
forgotten dream
1539
01:12:05,238 --> 01:12:06,446
Seems like all I...
1540
01:12:06,531 --> 01:12:08,156
Diego.
Yes, George?
1541
01:12:08,241 --> 01:12:09,991
The roses
look terrific.
1542
01:12:10,076 --> 01:12:11,701
Thank you.
They sure
look beautiful.
1543
01:12:11,786 --> 01:12:15,455
Only a guy with a big cock
like you could make roses
this beautiful.
1544
01:12:16,874 --> 01:12:20,669
Don't need to be alone
1545
01:12:22,713 --> 01:12:26,508
No need to be alone
1546
01:12:29,512 --> 01:12:34,766
It's real love
It's real
1547
01:12:34,850 --> 01:12:37,227
Yes, it's real love
1548
01:12:37,311 --> 01:12:38,812
You doing stand-up at all?
1549
01:12:38,896 --> 01:12:41,398
This is actually
the first time I've left
the house in three years.
1550
01:12:41,482 --> 01:12:43,024
But I will sometimes,
in my house,
1551
01:12:43,109 --> 01:12:45,235
in front of my kids,
I'll do five, six minutes.
1552
01:12:45,319 --> 01:12:47,696
Not good stuff.
It's a lot of "Where
you from?" You know.
1553
01:12:47,780 --> 01:12:49,030
But, you know,
all kidding aside,
1554
01:12:49,115 --> 01:12:50,490
I know you're
in a terrible
situation,
1555
01:12:50,575 --> 01:12:53,201
but even with that,
you look so much
better than him.
1556
01:12:53,286 --> 01:12:54,953
(ALL LAUGHING)
1557
01:12:57,665 --> 01:13:01,960
(SINGING) The Kingdom
of Heaven is,
is in your hands
1558
01:13:03,087 --> 01:13:07,716
I don't expect
for you to awake
from your dreams
1559
01:13:07,800 --> 01:13:09,718
We watched your
last movie on video.
1560
01:13:10,011 --> 01:13:12,429
A man who is funny
doesn't have to work blue.
1561
01:13:12,513 --> 01:13:14,723
You don't...
You don't have to do
trash to be funny.
1562
01:13:14,807 --> 01:13:16,224
I'll tell you who was
a great comedian.
1563
01:13:16,309 --> 01:13:17,726
Please say me. Who?
1564
01:13:17,810 --> 01:13:18,768
Jackie Gleason.
1565
01:13:18,853 --> 01:13:20,020
Yeah, of course.
1566
01:13:20,104 --> 01:13:22,230
You like him
'cause you look
like Art Carney.
1567
01:13:22,315 --> 01:13:23,690
(ALL LAUGH)
1568
01:13:25,067 --> 01:13:28,194
Gleason was terrific.
And you ain't so bad.
1569
01:13:28,279 --> 01:13:30,238
All right.
Thank you, Pop.
I know.
1570
01:13:30,323 --> 01:13:31,990
(SINGING) It's real
1571
01:13:32,116 --> 01:13:35,827
It's real love, oh, yeah
1572
01:13:35,911 --> 01:13:37,329
(INAUDIBLE)
1573
01:13:37,455 --> 01:13:42,208
It's real love, yeah
1574
01:13:43,169 --> 01:13:48,423
It's real love
It's real
1575
01:13:52,595 --> 01:13:55,388
I think I played it
all wrong, Ira.
1576
01:13:55,514 --> 01:13:56,514
(SIGHS)
1577
01:13:56,599 --> 01:13:58,475
I played it all wrong.
1578
01:14:04,357 --> 01:14:07,400
Okay. He's here.
We saw each other.
Let me answer it. Mark.
1579
01:14:07,485 --> 01:14:09,694
Stop.
Let me answer it.
Mark, man.
1580
01:14:10,196 --> 01:14:11,613
Move, bitch!
1581
01:14:11,697 --> 01:14:12,781
Hey, George Simmons. Hey.
1582
01:14:12,865 --> 01:14:14,282
Hey, what's up?
1583
01:14:14,367 --> 01:14:15,867
Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey!
1584
01:14:15,951 --> 01:14:17,369
Mark.
Leo is the name I got.
1585
01:14:17,453 --> 01:14:18,953
How are you?
Yeah, yeah. Yo Teach!
1586
01:14:19,038 --> 01:14:20,997
That's right!
Yeah, right.
1587
01:14:21,457 --> 01:14:22,916
Oh, boy.
1588
01:14:23,042 --> 01:14:26,336
That movie's the best
'cause you're a man
then you're a baby
1589
01:14:26,420 --> 01:14:29,089
and then you learn
to be a man once
you be... You need...
1590
01:14:29,173 --> 01:14:31,466
It takes becoming a baby
to learn how to become a man.
1591
01:14:32,093 --> 01:14:34,844
Yeah. Can we get you
a drink or some food?
1592
01:14:34,929 --> 01:14:37,305
No, no, no.
Let me just walk around
and go through your shit.
1593
01:14:37,390 --> 01:14:38,807
(LAUGHS)
1594
01:14:39,308 --> 01:14:40,809
Hey, I'm Bo.
1595
01:14:40,893 --> 01:14:42,352
What's up, Bo?
I'm an actor, so...
1596
01:14:42,436 --> 01:14:45,271
Oh, good, good, good,
good, good, good.
1597
01:14:47,066 --> 01:14:48,108
GEORGE: I've seen
your act a lot.
1598
01:14:48,192 --> 01:14:49,359
Really? Where?
1599
01:14:49,443 --> 01:14:53,613
Schmira, he has that...
What's that, the YouTubey
thing that, that...
1600
01:14:53,906 --> 01:14:54,906
DAISY: The YouTube.
GEORGE: Yeah.
1601
01:14:54,990 --> 01:14:57,784
George and Daisy are here?
How the hell did that happen?
1602
01:14:57,910 --> 01:15:00,286
I didn't think
George would come,
and who invited Daisy?
1603
01:15:00,371 --> 01:15:01,496
I invited her.
1604
01:15:01,580 --> 01:15:03,164
Are you still
sleeping with Daisy?
1605
01:15:03,249 --> 01:15:04,749
No, I'm not
sleeping with Daisy!
1606
01:15:04,834 --> 01:15:09,087
I have a new girlfriend now.
I'm dating the girl
who plays Mrs. Pruitt.
1607
01:15:09,171 --> 01:15:11,214
Her name's
Carla something.
1608
01:15:11,298 --> 01:15:13,174
Can I sit next to
George at dinner?
1609
01:15:13,259 --> 01:15:15,218
Sit wherever the hell
you want to sit, man, why?
1610
01:15:15,302 --> 01:15:18,346
I feel like if I can just
make George crack up once,
1611
01:15:18,723 --> 01:15:20,140
it'll do huge things
for me, like...
1612
01:15:20,224 --> 01:15:21,516
What, you wrote
jokes for Thanksgiving?
1613
01:15:21,600 --> 01:15:22,726
I didn't write jokes.
1614
01:15:22,810 --> 01:15:24,561
I just wrote down
my funniest anecdotes
1615
01:15:24,645 --> 01:15:25,895
and punched them up
here and there.
1616
01:15:26,355 --> 01:15:30,692
Okay,
I can't hide in the kitchen
all afternoon. I'm going.
1617
01:15:31,902 --> 01:15:33,695
My man. The Schmira.
1618
01:15:33,779 --> 01:15:35,196
Thanks for coming, man.
1619
01:15:35,281 --> 01:15:37,115
This is the best.
Where's your bedroom?
1620
01:15:37,450 --> 01:15:39,993
Well, get ready for a hike,
'cause you're standing in it.
1621
01:15:40,077 --> 01:15:41,995
No.
It's...
Yeah, it's pretty lame.
1622
01:15:42,079 --> 01:15:43,413
Did you go to
that Wilco show?
1623
01:15:43,497 --> 01:15:44,539
Yeah, did you?
1624
01:15:44,623 --> 01:15:47,500
(LAUGHS)
No, actually, I didn't.
I scalped the tickets.
1625
01:15:48,043 --> 01:15:49,377
I made 100 bucks
profit, so...
1626
01:15:49,462 --> 01:15:51,421
Oh. So, you
owe me 50.
1627
01:15:53,507 --> 01:15:56,176
Okay, I guess I do.
Rain check, okay?
1628
01:15:56,260 --> 01:15:57,260
Money order.
1629
01:15:57,386 --> 01:15:58,553
Money order?
That'll work.
Yeah.
1630
01:15:58,637 --> 01:16:00,430
PayPal? Are you on PayPal?
Yeah, PayPal it up.
1631
01:16:00,514 --> 01:16:03,099
Look at that,
back and forth,
like a cute couple.
1632
01:16:03,184 --> 01:16:05,643
You're like
Marc Anthony
and J. Lo.
1633
01:16:05,978 --> 01:16:09,647
You know, we actually
had a date, but then
I had sex with that guy,
1634
01:16:10,191 --> 01:16:11,232
so Schmira broke it off.
1635
01:16:11,317 --> 01:16:12,358
GEORGE: You kidding me?
1636
01:16:12,443 --> 01:16:15,612
Don't worry, Ira. You know
you're a better lover
than Pete Rose over there.
1637
01:16:15,696 --> 01:16:17,530
Look at him. He's got
the length and the width.
1638
01:16:17,615 --> 01:16:19,365
Imagine that dong of his.
1639
01:16:19,450 --> 01:16:21,659
I saw the tip of it one time.
Even that was too big for me.
1640
01:16:21,744 --> 01:16:23,411
No, it's very normal.
Yeah.
1641
01:16:23,496 --> 01:16:24,746
So, you like big penises?
1642
01:16:24,830 --> 01:16:27,415
Well, you know,
I have a really
skinny vagina, so...
1643
01:16:27,500 --> 01:16:29,334
If it's skinny,
you should try
feeding it carbs.
1644
01:16:29,418 --> 01:16:31,002
(LAUGHING)
1645
01:16:31,128 --> 01:16:32,712
Yeah.
All right, well,
jeez, you know what?
1646
01:16:32,797 --> 01:16:34,756
I'm gonna leave
you two alone, huh?
1647
01:16:34,840 --> 01:16:35,840
Yeah, okay.
1648
01:16:35,925 --> 01:16:37,050
I'm falling in love
with the both of you.
1649
01:16:37,134 --> 01:16:38,384
Let the awkwardness begin!
1650
01:16:38,469 --> 01:16:39,469
MAN: Love your work.
1651
01:16:39,553 --> 01:16:42,388
GEORGE: Yeah? Thank you
for shopping at Ralphs.
1652
01:16:42,473 --> 01:16:45,558
I'm sorry.
I owe you an apology.
It's really weird what I did.
1653
01:16:45,643 --> 01:16:49,646
I basically yelled at you for
cheating on me before we had
even had a real conversation.
1654
01:16:49,772 --> 01:16:52,816
So, I'm aware of that.
I know that's weird,
and I'm sorry.
1655
01:16:52,900 --> 01:16:54,734
Well, it's not as weird
as getting drunk
1656
01:16:54,819 --> 01:16:57,529
and having sex with the guy
from Yo Teach! So...
1657
01:16:57,822 --> 01:17:01,032
It's okay.
When I first moved here,
I blew Mr. Belvedere.
1658
01:17:01,200 --> 01:17:02,992
(LAUGHS)
So, everyone does that.
1659
01:17:03,369 --> 01:17:04,536
He's walking.
George is walking to us.
1660
01:17:04,620 --> 01:17:06,913
Hello, ladies.
1661
01:17:06,997 --> 01:17:10,708
So, Leo?
What's the excuse for
not writing me jokes?
1662
01:17:11,335 --> 01:17:13,253
What?
You could have
made money.
1663
01:17:13,337 --> 01:17:15,964
I told both you guys
to write jokes for me,
and you decided not to.
1664
01:17:16,048 --> 01:17:19,676
What, did you have to go
to Lens Crafters that day?
1665
01:17:19,760 --> 01:17:22,387
I was just joking.
I like your glasses.
1666
01:17:23,848 --> 01:17:26,975
He wanted both of us
to write jokes for him,
and you didn't tell me?
1667
01:17:27,059 --> 01:17:29,769
I apologize.
It's not worth, like,
losing your shit over, man.
1668
01:17:29,854 --> 01:17:30,979
What, you don't
think I like money?
1669
01:17:31,063 --> 01:17:32,397
You don't think
I like private jets?
1670
01:17:32,481 --> 01:17:35,275
You don't think
I want a cool job
writing for George Simmons?
1671
01:17:35,359 --> 01:17:36,401
I just think
you're doing well.
1672
01:17:36,485 --> 01:17:39,112
You know, you're getting gigs
at the improv all the time.
1673
01:17:39,196 --> 01:17:40,697
You're gonna have
people writing for you.
1674
01:17:40,781 --> 01:17:43,616
You don't need to be writing
for other people, you know.
1675
01:17:43,701 --> 01:17:45,118
I know, I'm just...
I'm sorry, I just...
1676
01:17:45,202 --> 01:17:47,620
I wanted something
for myself and I just,
you know...
1677
01:17:47,705 --> 01:17:50,456
It's just, you know,
fuck you, Ira!
1678
01:17:51,000 --> 01:17:52,500
Just 'cause you go
into faggy-apology mode
1679
01:17:52,585 --> 01:17:54,878
doesn't mean I'm gonna
forgive you right away!
1680
01:17:55,004 --> 01:17:59,090
Fuck you, man. Look, I did
the exact same thing you've
been doing this whole time.
1681
01:17:59,174 --> 01:18:00,800
You're being competitive.
You do that all the time.
1682
01:18:00,885 --> 01:18:02,135
I'm doing it now, okay?
1683
01:18:02,219 --> 01:18:03,970
I didn't make it competitive!
Yes, you did.
1684
01:18:04,054 --> 01:18:05,889
Have you ever had
to work for money? No.
1685
01:18:05,973 --> 01:18:07,557
You didn't work
at a coal mine, Ira!
1686
01:18:07,641 --> 01:18:10,435
You worked at a deli!
Stop crying about it!
1687
01:18:10,561 --> 01:18:13,187
I was only supposed
to be on that pull-out
couch for six months!
1688
01:18:13,272 --> 01:18:15,315
And we were
supposed to trade!
And we never did!
1689
01:18:15,399 --> 01:18:16,816
Yeah, we never did
switch after six months.
1690
01:18:16,901 --> 01:18:17,901
Yeah. Exactly.
1691
01:18:17,985 --> 01:18:19,485
You know why?
'Cause I pay rent, Ira!
1692
01:18:19,570 --> 01:18:21,029
You don't pay rent.
Your parents pay rent!
1693
01:18:21,113 --> 01:18:22,655
Why don't they move in?
It's your fault.
1694
01:18:22,740 --> 01:18:28,578
Hey, hey, hey. Pilgrims,
Indians, can we please
stop fighting?
1695
01:18:28,662 --> 01:18:31,456
It's Thanksgiving.
We have guests inside.
Please stop.
1696
01:18:31,540 --> 01:18:34,334
I'm not fighting anymore.
I'm done fighting.
1697
01:18:34,418 --> 01:18:36,336
Thank you.
LEO: You called
Daisy a starfucker?
1698
01:18:36,420 --> 01:18:37,837
Why don't you go cup
George Simmons' balls
1699
01:18:37,922 --> 01:18:40,840
while you talk
him to sleep
every night, Ira?
1700
01:18:40,925 --> 01:18:42,550
Leo.
1701
01:18:42,927 --> 01:18:43,927
Sorry.
1702
01:18:44,428 --> 01:18:47,972
I would let you do that, too.
My balls are for everybody.
1703
01:18:50,100 --> 01:18:53,728
Okay.
It's starting to feel like
Thanksgiving around here.
1704
01:18:54,438 --> 01:18:55,563
Let's eat some food.
1705
01:19:01,445 --> 01:19:04,155
I can't believe you
screwed Daisy, man.
1706
01:19:05,616 --> 01:19:06,741
What?
1707
01:19:07,660 --> 01:19:10,995
So, does anybody
want to say
grace or anything?
1708
01:19:11,080 --> 01:19:13,289
Leo's a good writer,
apparently.
Come on, get up there.
1709
01:19:13,374 --> 01:19:14,916
Yeah, Leo.
1710
01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:16,376
MAN: Leo!
Do it, Leo.
1711
01:19:16,460 --> 01:19:17,460
I'm okay,
I'm okay.
1712
01:19:17,544 --> 01:19:19,837
All right, let me go.
I'll do it for us.
1713
01:19:19,922 --> 01:19:22,006
Let me get it done.
1714
01:19:22,091 --> 01:19:26,886
Okay, so first
let's give thanks to our
families not being here.
1715
01:19:26,971 --> 01:19:27,971
(ALL AGREEING)
1716
01:19:28,055 --> 01:19:30,974
It's always easier,
always easier
without the family.
1717
01:19:31,809 --> 01:19:35,687
It's funny, I see you guys
and you are just so much
younger than me.
1718
01:19:35,813 --> 01:19:39,065
And I had no idea
I was the old guy
until I looked at you guys.
1719
01:19:40,609 --> 01:19:42,777
It was like when
I was growing up,
I had a big nose.
1720
01:19:42,861 --> 01:19:46,155
I had no idea
until I went to the Gap
and saw a three-way mirror,
1721
01:19:46,240 --> 01:19:48,741
and I was like,
"Wow, I didn't know
I had that thing."
1722
01:19:48,826 --> 01:19:49,826
(ALL LAUGH)
1723
01:19:49,910 --> 01:19:53,413
Yeah. No, it's a...
It's good to be young.
1724
01:19:53,497 --> 01:19:56,249
It kind of sucks being old,
so just enjoy this.
1725
01:19:56,333 --> 01:20:00,336
Enjoy time.
Time slips away,
I promise you.
1726
01:20:00,421 --> 01:20:03,923
I had a dinner
like this 20 years ago
1727
01:20:04,008 --> 01:20:08,094
with guys that we just, like,
lost touch with each other.
1728
01:20:08,178 --> 01:20:11,431
I never talk to them anymore.
Some of them are dead.
1729
01:20:12,224 --> 01:20:16,644
So, yeah, you don't...
Things slip away.
1730
01:20:18,147 --> 01:20:21,190
If you love somebody,
don't let them slip away.
1731
01:20:22,359 --> 01:20:24,277
I swear to you,
1732
01:20:24,361 --> 01:20:26,904
this will be your most
memorable Thanksgiving,
1733
01:20:27,031 --> 01:20:29,699
the one that you'll want
the rest of your life,
the one that you say,
1734
01:20:29,783 --> 01:20:32,452
"Man, it was never
as good as that night."
1735
01:20:32,536 --> 01:20:36,956
So, let this night be great.
Enjoy the taste
of Leo's balls.
1736
01:20:37,041 --> 01:20:38,624
(ALL LAUGHING)
1737
01:20:38,709 --> 01:20:39,792
Rock 'n' roll!
1738
01:20:41,045 --> 01:20:44,714
Jesus, every time
I'm near you I feel like
fucking Danny DeVito.
1739
01:20:44,798 --> 01:20:47,550
Everybody feels like
Danny DeVito when,
you know, they walk by me.
1740
01:20:47,634 --> 01:20:48,968
Yeah. You're a giant.
1741
01:20:49,053 --> 01:20:50,011
(CLEARS THROAT)
1742
01:20:50,095 --> 01:20:51,763
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, yeah.
1743
01:20:52,389 --> 01:20:53,514
Um...
1744
01:20:54,058 --> 01:20:55,016
I don't want
to get your hopes up.
1745
01:20:55,100 --> 01:20:56,142
Mmm-hmm.
1746
01:20:56,226 --> 01:20:59,729
We put you on this
experimental medication
without much optimism.
1747
01:20:59,813 --> 01:21:04,025
About 8% of all the people
that we put on this medication
get positive results.
1748
01:21:04,109 --> 01:21:05,151
Mmm-hmm.
1749
01:21:05,235 --> 01:21:08,571
You actually
belong to these 8%.
1750
01:21:08,655 --> 01:21:10,156
I looked through
your blood work,
1751
01:21:10,240 --> 01:21:13,201
and I couldn't find
any traces of the disease.
1752
01:21:14,161 --> 01:21:16,496
I don't want
to speak too soon,
1753
01:21:16,580 --> 01:21:18,164
but we may have
beaten this thing.
1754
01:21:21,085 --> 01:21:23,586
Are you fucking with me
'cause I fucked with you?
1755
01:21:23,670 --> 01:21:27,006
So, that's
the good news,
Mr. Bond.
1756
01:21:27,091 --> 01:21:28,591
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
1757
01:21:29,426 --> 01:21:32,095
So, this is, this is...
This is good news.
1758
01:21:33,263 --> 01:21:35,223
Like my accent now?
1759
01:21:35,307 --> 01:21:37,100
Now I like
your accent, yeah.
1760
01:21:37,768 --> 01:21:40,603
I was excited all morning
to tell you this news.
1761
01:21:41,063 --> 01:21:43,439
So, what happens now?
What do I...
What do I do now?
1762
01:21:43,524 --> 01:21:47,276
Maybe you can make
another funny movie
that I could laugh about.
1763
01:21:47,402 --> 01:21:52,698
Yeah. Wow.
I wasn't expecting
this to really work.
1764
01:21:52,783 --> 01:21:54,117
I was getting
used to being sick.
1765
01:21:54,201 --> 01:21:57,120
I was actually thinking
I was pretty good at that.
1766
01:21:57,204 --> 01:21:59,163
Get back to your life.
1767
01:22:05,087 --> 01:22:07,255
(PHONE RINGING)
1768
01:22:07,339 --> 01:22:09,715
IRA: Hey, this is Ira.
I'm not in.
Leave a message.
1769
01:22:09,800 --> 01:22:10,883
(PHONE BEEPS)
1770
01:22:10,968 --> 01:22:16,639
(SINGSONGY) Ira, I have
a secret to tell you.
It will make you happy.
1771
01:22:35,617 --> 01:22:37,618
Hi. Bonita?
1772
01:22:37,703 --> 01:22:38,703
George.
1773
01:22:41,999 --> 01:22:45,209
I was sick, you know that.
And I just went
to the doctor's.
1774
01:22:45,294 --> 01:22:47,503
He said I'm
not sick anymore.
1775
01:22:47,588 --> 01:22:49,505
Oh, congratulations.
1776
01:22:52,843 --> 01:22:56,345
I found the pants
you're looking for.
They are in the closet.
1777
01:22:58,557 --> 01:23:00,183
Thank you.
1778
01:23:01,268 --> 01:23:02,310
Bye, George.
1779
01:23:04,062 --> 01:23:06,397
George! Is it true?
1780
01:23:07,191 --> 01:23:08,524
It's true.
Yes!
1781
01:23:08,609 --> 01:23:10,276
It's all right.
All right, go ahead.
Yeah!
1782
01:23:10,360 --> 01:23:11,319
All right.
1783
01:23:11,403 --> 01:23:14,405
(LAUGHING)
Oh, God! Yeah!
1784
01:23:14,489 --> 01:23:15,615
All right, baby.
1785
01:23:15,699 --> 01:23:18,951
All right, all right.
Now what the fuck do we do?
1786
01:23:21,079 --> 01:23:23,206
Hey, congratulations, George.
That's awesome, man.
1787
01:23:23,290 --> 01:23:24,999
Thank you.
You got cured of AIDS.
1788
01:23:25,083 --> 01:23:26,334
(LAUGHS) I didn't
have AIDS.
1789
01:23:26,418 --> 01:23:27,543
Hey, let me get
you a cocktail.
1790
01:23:27,628 --> 01:23:29,170
Hey, not an
AIDS cocktail.
A regular.
1791
01:23:29,254 --> 01:23:30,796
No, I don't
want a drink.
I'm good.
1792
01:23:30,881 --> 01:23:33,507
I'm gonna get one
of them ribbons.
1793
01:23:34,051 --> 01:23:35,384
You're alive?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
1794
01:23:35,469 --> 01:23:36,928
Unbelievable!
This guy. This guy, man.
1795
01:23:38,597 --> 01:23:42,558
You got the women,
you got the fame,
and you can't fucking die!
1796
01:23:42,643 --> 01:23:44,852
Did you suck
the devil's dick?
What is it, man?
1797
01:23:44,937 --> 01:23:46,020
I wanna know the secret.
1798
01:23:46,104 --> 01:23:47,855
I actually told
a bunch of people
we did have sex,
1799
01:23:47,940 --> 01:23:49,357
so if you could
go along with that.
1800
01:23:49,441 --> 01:23:50,608
You did?
Yes.
1801
01:23:50,692 --> 01:23:54,946
Everybody wants to fuck me,
but it's better that I don't
1802
01:23:55,030 --> 01:23:56,405
because you don't want...
1803
01:23:56,490 --> 01:23:58,699
The mystery is definitely
more flattering...
1804
01:23:58,784 --> 01:23:59,742
Yeah?
1805
01:23:59,826 --> 01:24:02,578
...and the reality
is so, like, flobbety.
1806
01:24:02,663 --> 01:24:04,413
Like not the word, but...
Floppety? Yeah, lippety.
1807
01:24:04,790 --> 01:24:06,707
Yeah, I look like this.
Like a sandwich.
1808
01:24:06,792 --> 01:24:08,584
Like a... There's,
like, meat coming.
1809
01:24:08,669 --> 01:24:09,710
(CHUCKLING)
1810
01:24:09,795 --> 01:24:11,879
That would have been...
I could get...
1811
01:24:11,964 --> 01:24:13,631
(EXCLAIMING)
Look at that!
1812
01:24:14,258 --> 01:24:15,967
"Yippee-ki-yay,
motherfucker!"
1813
01:24:16,051 --> 01:24:19,887
Shit! Shit! I didn't know
you had energy like that.
Jesus...
1814
01:24:20,472 --> 01:24:23,015
How did he...
Like, how did he
know he had it?
1815
01:24:23,725 --> 01:24:27,895
He was saying... He said that
he was, like, dizzy and tired
and he went to the doctor,
1816
01:24:27,980 --> 01:24:30,940
and then he just got...
It was in his blood work.
1817
01:24:31,024 --> 01:24:33,401
That sucks 'cause
I get dizzy and tired.
1818
01:24:33,485 --> 01:24:34,485
Really?
1819
01:24:35,320 --> 01:24:37,905
Anybody... Anybody gets sick,
I think I'm going to get it.
1820
01:24:37,990 --> 01:24:40,116
Now, is it contagious?
It's not contagious?
1821
01:24:40,200 --> 01:24:41,242
No.
Can you get it, like...
1822
01:24:41,326 --> 01:24:44,662
I hope not. I don't think so.
I've been around him a lot.
I feel...
1823
01:24:44,746 --> 01:24:46,205
I feel...
I hope not, too, because
1824
01:24:46,290 --> 01:24:48,833
when you were talking,
a little bit of your spit
hit my lip, so...
1825
01:24:48,959 --> 01:24:50,334
It did?
Yeah.
Not that you got it,
1826
01:24:50,419 --> 01:24:52,378
but he spits on your lip,
you spit on mine,
next thing you know
1827
01:24:52,462 --> 01:24:54,839
I'm dead and my wife's
fucking George Lopez.
1828
01:24:55,173 --> 01:24:56,757
But I think the best thing
for you would be, you know...
1829
01:24:56,842 --> 01:24:58,551
The best cure,
besides the real cure,
1830
01:24:58,635 --> 01:25:02,388
is to get back to work
and do what you do.
1831
01:25:02,764 --> 01:25:04,765
There are stacks of offers
on my desk for you.
1832
01:25:04,850 --> 01:25:07,768
I mean, you can't swing
a dead cat without
hitting an offer for you.
1833
01:25:07,853 --> 01:25:09,353
Oh, good.
Yeah, you ready for this?
1834
01:25:09,438 --> 01:25:11,480
Paul Rudd wants to do
a bromance with you.
1835
01:25:11,690 --> 01:25:14,692
I think I might...
I just might even
not work for a little while.
1836
01:25:14,776 --> 01:25:16,318
I was thinking
maybe just, like,
taking time off,
1837
01:25:16,403 --> 01:25:20,072
try to get myself
in a relationship
with, like,
1838
01:25:20,157 --> 01:25:21,949
another human being,
a normal one.
1839
01:25:22,034 --> 01:25:23,117
Just see if I can
handle that.
1840
01:25:23,201 --> 01:25:25,870
Funny you should say that.
I've...
'Cause I invited someone.
1841
01:25:25,954 --> 01:25:28,414
Brought... Invited this
woman here today that
I think you'd really like.
1842
01:25:28,498 --> 01:25:29,540
I think you'd really
hit it off with her.
1843
01:25:29,624 --> 01:25:32,043
She's... She's great.
She's something new for you.
1844
01:25:32,127 --> 01:25:34,378
A real person.
She's not a waitress.
1845
01:25:34,463 --> 01:25:35,671
She's not an actress.
1846
01:25:35,756 --> 01:25:36,756
All right, thanks.
1847
01:25:37,215 --> 01:25:41,135
You know, the Internet
dating thing actually...
Actually kind of works.
1848
01:25:41,470 --> 01:25:42,470
That's good.
1849
01:25:42,554 --> 01:25:43,971
I've actually been
on a couple of JDates.
1850
01:25:44,056 --> 01:25:45,056
No way. What's that?
1851
01:25:45,140 --> 01:25:46,474
Yeah... What's a JDate?
1852
01:25:46,558 --> 01:25:48,559
What, is that
an Internet thing
I should know about?
1853
01:25:48,643 --> 01:25:50,227
I'm not...
I don't do that shit.
1854
01:25:50,312 --> 01:25:53,397
It's a website
where Jewish people
can find each other.
1855
01:25:53,523 --> 01:25:55,775
Really? A whole list
of Jewish people?
Yeah.
1856
01:25:55,859 --> 01:25:59,111
I didn't think Jewish people
liked to be on lists.
1857
01:26:00,655 --> 01:26:02,656
Because of the Holocaust.
1858
01:26:04,326 --> 01:26:05,910
Wow.
1859
01:26:05,994 --> 01:26:07,286
How's this going,
by the way?
1860
01:26:08,538 --> 01:26:10,664
It's been great to meet you.
1861
01:26:12,292 --> 01:26:15,127
You know what?
I think you fucked up.
1862
01:26:16,671 --> 01:26:17,671
How's that?
1863
01:26:17,756 --> 01:26:19,590
I think you fucked up.
I think...
1864
01:26:19,674 --> 01:26:20,716
(SIGHS)
1865
01:26:20,801 --> 01:26:22,676
I don't think you should
have took that medicine.
1866
01:26:22,761 --> 01:26:24,011
Why not?
1867
01:26:25,347 --> 01:26:28,349
I don't know. Personally,
I think you should have
just let yourself die.
1868
01:26:28,433 --> 01:26:30,142
Honestly, man, what are...
What are you gonna do now?
1869
01:26:30,227 --> 01:26:32,353
Make another
bullshit movie?
1870
01:26:32,437 --> 01:26:34,647
Fuck another chick
who doesn't like you?
1871
01:26:34,731 --> 01:26:36,816
You know? That was
your way out right there.
1872
01:26:36,942 --> 01:26:38,484
Hmm.
Now you're fucking stuck.
1873
01:26:38,568 --> 01:26:39,610
Yeah.
1874
01:26:39,694 --> 01:26:41,362
You're stuck just like me.
1875
01:26:41,446 --> 01:26:42,947
Can't go to fucking
Chuck E. Cheese.
1876
01:26:43,031 --> 01:26:45,574
I can't go to Target,
I can't go to Best Buy.
1877
01:26:45,700 --> 01:26:47,409
I can't go to fucking
Wal-Mart, Kmart.
1878
01:26:47,494 --> 01:26:49,203
You fucking name it,
I can't go there.
1879
01:26:49,287 --> 01:26:50,287
Yeah, that's true.
1880
01:26:50,372 --> 01:26:52,540
Everyone in this fucking room
is either staring at us,
1881
01:26:52,666 --> 01:26:54,208
wanting to take
a fucking picture.
Mmm-hmm.
1882
01:26:54,751 --> 01:26:56,043
Yeah. Got it.
1883
01:26:56,128 --> 01:26:57,169
E-mail that to me.
1884
01:26:57,212 --> 01:26:59,338
I will.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
1885
01:26:59,422 --> 01:27:03,342
Who the fuck
is that guy right there?
That fucking guy right there.
1886
01:27:03,510 --> 01:27:05,678
What? Ray Romano's
bothering you?
1887
01:27:05,762 --> 01:27:07,054
Who? Ray, Ray who?
1888
01:27:07,139 --> 01:27:09,640
Ray Romano, the guy from
Everybody Loves Raymond.
1889
01:27:09,724 --> 01:27:10,808
I don't give a fuck
what show he's on.
1890
01:27:10,892 --> 01:27:12,768
I'll fuck this
motherfucker up, man!
1891
01:27:12,853 --> 01:27:14,979
Hey.
Hey, Ray!
1892
01:27:15,063 --> 01:27:16,063
Hello, Marshall.
1893
01:27:16,148 --> 01:27:17,565
Fucking problem
here, buddy?
1894
01:27:18,483 --> 01:27:21,527
Would you like to fuck me?
Is that what this is?
1895
01:27:21,611 --> 01:27:22,695
I don't get it, man.
What's going on?
1896
01:27:22,779 --> 01:27:25,906
Would you like me
to fucking bend over
for you right now?
1897
01:27:25,991 --> 01:27:27,616
(WHISPERING) Say no.
No, man.
1898
01:27:27,909 --> 01:27:29,118
(EXHALES)
1899
01:27:29,202 --> 01:27:30,703
I just gotta always
be on my toes, man.
1900
01:27:30,787 --> 01:27:31,787
You know?
1901
01:27:31,872 --> 01:27:33,247
(SCOFFS) I see that,
but not with Ray Romano.
1902
01:27:33,331 --> 01:27:34,999
This is why I don't
go out of the house.
1903
01:27:35,083 --> 01:27:37,376
I thought
everybody
loved you.
1904
01:27:38,753 --> 01:27:43,507
So, now that you got this,
this second chance, man,
like, what do you want?
1905
01:27:43,592 --> 01:27:45,426
I kind of don't
want anything.
1906
01:27:46,595 --> 01:27:48,429
So, then what
are we celebrating?
1907
01:28:00,942 --> 01:28:01,942
Clarke?
1908
01:28:02,027 --> 01:28:03,027
(IMITATING PIRATE)
Yes, it's Clarke.
1909
01:28:03,111 --> 01:28:06,530
It's Clarke and I...
I'm calling to check
on you, matey.
1910
01:28:06,615 --> 01:28:07,656
(LAUGHING)
1911
01:28:07,741 --> 01:28:08,949
Yeah.
1912
01:28:09,034 --> 01:28:13,913
I'm back from the sea.
It's fun to play
with my didjeridu!
1913
01:28:13,997 --> 01:28:16,373
(IMITATING PIRATE)
You sound a little bit
like a pirate.
1914
01:28:16,458 --> 01:28:19,960
Do I sound Australian?
Is this what Clarke
sounds like?
1915
01:28:20,045 --> 01:28:22,504
That's a terrible
Australian accent.
1916
01:28:22,589 --> 01:28:23,589
What are you doing, Laura?
1917
01:28:23,673 --> 01:28:25,174
Am I bothering you?
Is he there?
No, no, no, no, no.
1918
01:28:25,258 --> 01:28:27,009
Am I supposed to hang up?
What's going on?
1919
01:28:27,177 --> 01:28:29,386
Clarke's away
for business in China.
1920
01:28:29,471 --> 01:28:32,181
Ah! Sent him out
for egg rolls again?
1921
01:28:32,265 --> 01:28:34,767
Are you guys all right?
What's going on?
1922
01:28:35,143 --> 01:28:37,061
Mable has her
recital tomorrow.
1923
01:28:37,145 --> 01:28:38,562
She's singing
Memory from Cats.
1924
01:28:38,647 --> 01:28:39,647
Oh, yeah?
1925
01:28:39,731 --> 01:28:40,940
You know
that song, Memory?
1926
01:28:41,024 --> 01:28:42,900
Yeah. I wish I could
be there to see that.
1927
01:28:42,984 --> 01:28:43,943
You can come.
1928
01:28:44,027 --> 01:28:46,028
I can come?
All right, I'm coming.
1929
01:28:46,112 --> 01:28:47,238
Your daughter will be
all right with that?
1930
01:28:47,322 --> 01:28:49,490
That I'm sitting
right next to you
holding you tight?
1931
01:28:49,574 --> 01:28:52,201
Stop. How are you feeling?
1932
01:28:52,285 --> 01:28:54,161
I'm doing good. I'm doing...
1933
01:28:54,246 --> 01:28:56,080
It is what it is. I...
1934
01:28:56,164 --> 01:28:57,748
So, what happened
with your tests?
1935
01:28:58,333 --> 01:29:00,542
Laura, let's not
talk about all that.
1936
01:29:00,627 --> 01:29:01,794
What did
the doctor say?
1937
01:29:02,337 --> 01:29:06,507
The Swedish Nazi?
He never has good news.
1938
01:29:06,591 --> 01:29:09,343
It is what it is.
I don't want
to talk about it.
1939
01:29:10,345 --> 01:29:12,721
Come on,
let's just talk about you.
1940
01:29:12,806 --> 01:29:15,224
What are you doing, Laura?
1941
01:29:15,308 --> 01:29:17,017
Do you want me
to talk you to sleep?
1942
01:29:17,477 --> 01:29:19,478
Oh, my God.
You remember.
1943
01:29:21,022 --> 01:29:22,314
You want me
to do that for you?
1944
01:29:22,399 --> 01:29:23,899
You will talk to me
while I try to go to sleep?
1945
01:29:23,984 --> 01:29:26,860
I'll put you on speakerphone.
That will be the best night
of my life.
1946
01:29:26,945 --> 01:29:30,281
Let's not go to sleep
yet, though, please.
Just talk to Laura.
1947
01:29:31,741 --> 01:29:32,783
IRA: Hello?
1948
01:29:32,867 --> 01:29:34,076
Hi, Ira.
1949
01:29:34,160 --> 01:29:35,202
Hey, how's
it going?
1950
01:29:35,745 --> 01:29:37,371
Ira, you're
my best friend.
1951
01:29:37,455 --> 01:29:39,081
(LAUGHS)
I like you, too.
1952
01:29:39,165 --> 01:29:40,958
You're my best friend.
1953
01:29:41,042 --> 01:29:42,793
You sound like you're
in a good mood, man.
1954
01:29:42,877 --> 01:29:45,379
(IMITATING PIRATE)
I'm in a great mood because
we're setting sail today.
1955
01:29:45,463 --> 01:29:46,964
We're gonna do
a gig together!
1956
01:29:47,048 --> 01:29:49,925
Ira and Georgie,
finally on the road!
1957
01:29:50,010 --> 01:29:53,595
Oh, we're setting sail,
are we? Where,
where are we going?
1958
01:29:53,680 --> 01:29:58,100
We're going to
the Port of San Francisco.
We set sail on the morrow.
1959
01:29:58,184 --> 01:29:59,560
How much time
am I supposed to do?
1960
01:29:59,644 --> 01:30:04,148
Oh, they've booked you
to do a minute for every
inch of cock you have.
1961
01:30:04,232 --> 01:30:06,817
You'll be doing
two and a half
to four minutes,
1962
01:30:06,901 --> 01:30:09,486
depending on your mood,
little Ira.
1963
01:30:09,946 --> 01:30:14,616
I was invited to a...
Or I was able
to go to a fundraiser
1964
01:30:14,701 --> 01:30:17,244
for Barack Obama,
when he was running
for president.
1965
01:30:17,829 --> 01:30:22,249
And you could walk
right up to him and I did.
1966
01:30:22,334 --> 01:30:26,253
And I prepared
a smart question
and I was like,
1967
01:30:26,338 --> 01:30:32,926
"Senator Obama, when you were
a student in Boston, did you
encounter any racism?"
1968
01:30:33,011 --> 01:30:39,016
And he said something really,
really interesting. He said...
1969
01:30:40,101 --> 01:30:42,227
He said, "I'm Kanye West."
1970
01:30:42,354 --> 01:30:44,646
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
1971
01:30:48,026 --> 01:30:50,110
George, you have a visitor.
1972
01:30:50,195 --> 01:30:51,362
GEORGE: Oh.
1973
01:30:52,072 --> 01:30:53,989
Hi.
Whoa!
1974
01:30:54,074 --> 01:30:55,115
LAURA: Hello.
Wow.
1975
01:30:55,200 --> 01:30:56,617
Hey, hi!
Hey!
1976
01:30:56,701 --> 01:30:58,118
All right.
How are you?
1977
01:30:58,203 --> 01:30:59,161
LAURA: I'm good.
1978
01:30:59,245 --> 01:31:01,080
I'm so psyched
you came.
1979
01:31:01,206 --> 01:31:03,123
Wow, you look amazing!
Thank you.
1980
01:31:03,208 --> 01:31:04,958
Beautiful.
I think I overdressed.
1981
01:31:05,043 --> 01:31:06,335
No way.
You look incredible.
1982
01:31:06,419 --> 01:31:07,461
I just...
1983
01:31:07,545 --> 01:31:10,297
Where... Where is he?
Where is the Clarke?
1984
01:31:10,382 --> 01:31:14,468
The Clarke? He's out of town.
I was gonna bring
my friend Betsy with me,
1985
01:31:14,552 --> 01:31:16,678
but her son started
throwing up, so...
1986
01:31:16,763 --> 01:31:19,431
The husband's out of town,
baby's vomiting.
Rock 'n' roll.
1987
01:31:19,599 --> 01:31:23,102
(LAUGHING)
I like it. Yeah. Yeah.
1988
01:31:23,186 --> 01:31:24,520
Anyway, I don't
want to keep you
1989
01:31:24,604 --> 01:31:25,646
or get in the way.
1990
01:31:25,730 --> 01:31:27,314
No, don't run away.
Come on, Ira, say hello.
1991
01:31:27,399 --> 01:31:28,357
Hey, Ira.
1992
01:31:28,441 --> 01:31:29,483
Hey, how's it going?
1993
01:31:29,567 --> 01:31:32,194
So, I'll let you go.
I just wanted to say hi.
1994
01:31:32,278 --> 01:31:34,113
No cursing.
Don't curse so much.
1995
01:31:34,197 --> 01:31:36,323
Okay, all right!
Nothing dirty.
I don't know how.
1996
01:31:36,408 --> 01:31:39,451
You just cut my set
in half, but that's fine.
All right, see you, kid.
1997
01:31:39,536 --> 01:31:40,494
Okay, good luck.
1998
01:31:40,578 --> 01:31:42,246
Thanks for coming.
1999
01:31:44,290 --> 01:31:47,584
You gotta tell her I'm better
at intermission, all right?
2000
01:31:47,669 --> 01:31:49,169
You haven't told her
that you're better?
2001
01:31:49,254 --> 01:31:51,004
No, I'm not good
at stuff like that.
2002
01:31:51,089 --> 01:31:53,173
Just... She'll be cool
with it. She'll be...
2003
01:31:53,258 --> 01:31:56,427
You're giving
her good news,
she'll be happy.
2004
01:31:56,511 --> 01:31:57,845
We're gonna go by her
house tomorrow, too.
2005
01:31:57,929 --> 01:31:58,929
(SIGHS)
2006
01:31:59,013 --> 01:32:01,056
Yeah, we're just visiting her.
I just want to say hi,
2007
01:32:01,141 --> 01:32:03,100
see how she's doing,
where she lives,
that kind of thing.
2008
01:32:03,393 --> 01:32:05,894
Why did you guys break up
in the first place?
2009
01:32:06,604 --> 01:32:07,980
I cheated on her.
2010
01:32:08,064 --> 01:32:09,898
Why would you
cheat on her?
2011
01:32:09,983 --> 01:32:14,278
It's easy not to cheat when
no one wants to fuck you,
you judgmental prick.
2012
01:32:14,362 --> 01:32:15,446
Okay.
2013
01:32:15,613 --> 01:32:20,868
I have a theory
that Tom Cruise,
David Beckham and Will Smith
2014
01:32:20,952 --> 01:32:22,995
have mooshed the heads
of their penises together.
2015
01:32:23,079 --> 01:32:24,830
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
2016
01:32:25,290 --> 01:32:26,540
I think that
this has happened.
2017
01:32:26,624 --> 01:32:28,250
I don't think
it happened
in a gay way.
2018
01:32:28,334 --> 01:32:29,710
I think it just happened
out of boredom.
2019
01:32:29,794 --> 01:32:31,753
I think just
rich-dude boredom.
2020
01:32:31,838 --> 01:32:35,299
Just like,
"What have we not done, guys?
We've done everything!"
2021
01:32:35,425 --> 01:32:37,885
"I'll tell you
one thing
we haven't done."
2022
01:32:37,969 --> 01:32:41,472
And I bet when it happened,
it was an epic occurrence.
It was huge.
2023
01:32:41,556 --> 01:32:42,681
I think of it all the time.
2024
01:32:42,765 --> 01:32:45,058
I think first, you know,
David and Tom touched
dick heads.
2025
01:32:45,143 --> 01:32:49,354
And it was easy, just zoonk.
Because there was
a magnetic field to it.
2026
01:32:49,522 --> 01:32:51,315
And then Will Smith started
approaching with his dick
2027
01:32:51,399 --> 01:32:53,275
and, like, wind started
blowing in his face,
2028
01:32:53,359 --> 01:32:58,155
and paper started
flying everywhere
and he just couldn't do it.
2029
01:32:58,239 --> 01:32:59,865
And they're like,
"Come on, Will,
get it in there!"
2030
01:32:59,949 --> 01:33:01,325
"I can't do it!"
2031
01:33:01,409 --> 01:33:02,409
Beckham yells,
2032
01:33:02,494 --> 01:33:05,537
(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
"Don't cross the streams!
It's like Ghost Busters!"
2033
01:33:05,788 --> 01:33:08,123
And then he does it
and Flash by Queen
starts playing.
2034
01:33:08,208 --> 01:33:09,625
It's just, Flash! Ahhh!
2035
01:33:10,001 --> 01:33:14,505
Light shoots into the sky!
That's how stars
are born, I think.
2036
01:33:15,507 --> 01:33:19,259
Anyway, I'm Ira Wright.
Have a good night.
Thank you, all, very much.
2037
01:33:26,226 --> 01:33:27,559
IRA: Hey.
How's it going?
2038
01:33:27,644 --> 01:33:28,936
That was so good!
2039
01:33:29,646 --> 01:33:31,271
You seem so surprised.
2040
01:33:31,356 --> 01:33:32,564
Well, you looked
so nervous before.
2041
01:33:32,649 --> 01:33:33,774
I was, actually.
2042
01:33:33,858 --> 01:33:34,942
That was good.
That was really good.
2043
01:33:35,026 --> 01:33:36,485
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
2044
01:33:36,569 --> 01:33:40,030
And the ball cleavage thing,
that was hilarious.
2045
01:33:40,114 --> 01:33:43,575
Classic stuff. Thank you.
Glad you're having fun.
2046
01:33:46,037 --> 01:33:47,996
George says
that he's known you
for a while. How did...
2047
01:33:48,081 --> 01:33:49,957
Yeah.
How did you guys
first hook up?
2048
01:33:50,041 --> 01:33:52,543
I was the hat-check girl
at the improv
and I was an actress.
2049
01:33:52,835 --> 01:33:53,961
So, you kind of...
Yeah, yeah.
2050
01:33:54,045 --> 01:33:57,172
That's good. What, were you
in anything I might've seen?
2051
01:33:57,257 --> 01:34:02,010
I did those, like,
Melrose Place and 90210.
2052
01:34:02,095 --> 01:34:03,095
Awesome.
2053
01:34:03,179 --> 01:34:04,263
I always
played the bitch.
2054
01:34:04,347 --> 01:34:05,514
I wasn't that
good, actually.
2055
01:34:05,598 --> 01:34:06,932
No, you must be
a great actress,
2056
01:34:07,016 --> 01:34:08,600
'cause you're not
at all bitchy, so...
2057
01:34:08,685 --> 01:34:09,768
(LAUGHS)
2058
01:34:09,852 --> 01:34:10,936
Thanks, Ira.
2059
01:34:11,020 --> 01:34:15,816
Okay, look, I'm not...
Honestly, I'm not
supposed to be telling you
2060
01:34:15,900 --> 01:34:18,652
what I'm about to tell you
because George...
He doesn't want to jinx it.
2061
01:34:18,736 --> 01:34:23,031
It's not 100%,
but the last time that
he went to the doctor,
2062
01:34:23,116 --> 01:34:27,160
they couldn't find
any trace of the disease
in his blood work anymore,
2063
01:34:27,245 --> 01:34:29,830
so it seems like
he might be better.
2064
01:34:29,914 --> 01:34:30,914
What are you
talking about?
2065
01:34:30,999 --> 01:34:32,249
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen...
2066
01:34:32,333 --> 01:34:33,667
We think he might be okay.
2067
01:34:33,751 --> 01:34:35,877
...George Simmons!
2068
01:34:35,962 --> 01:34:37,713
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
2069
01:34:47,098 --> 01:34:48,432
Thank you.
2070
01:34:48,516 --> 01:34:52,144
Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah.
2071
01:34:54,272 --> 01:34:56,106
It's great to be here.
2072
01:34:57,400 --> 01:35:00,277
It's great.
It's great to be alive!
2073
01:35:01,821 --> 01:35:04,781
Yeah, man.
Thank you.
Right on. Okay.
2074
01:35:04,866 --> 01:35:05,991
MAN: Thank you
for coming, George!
2075
01:35:06,075 --> 01:35:07,117
Thank you. All right.
2076
01:35:07,201 --> 01:35:09,911
That's very nice.
Man, oh, man.
2077
01:35:10,622 --> 01:35:13,915
Any other 40-year-olds
out there tonight?
In their 40s?
2078
01:35:14,000 --> 01:35:15,292
It's funny.
In your 20s you're like,
2079
01:35:15,376 --> 01:35:17,502
"Fuck you, man.
Fuck that shit.
2080
01:35:17,587 --> 01:35:20,047
"Fuck my parents.
I don't need none
of that shit."
2081
01:35:20,131 --> 01:35:21,840
In your 30s you're like,
"Fuck the President.
2082
01:35:21,924 --> 01:35:24,259
"Fuck that guy,
that fucking asshole."
2083
01:35:24,344 --> 01:35:26,595
In your 40s you're like,
"I'm hungry.
2084
01:35:26,679 --> 01:35:27,888
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
2085
01:35:27,972 --> 01:35:30,015
"What do we have
in the fridge?"
2086
01:35:33,061 --> 01:35:37,272
So, yeah, I'm fucking
famous and rich,
and it's crazy.
2087
01:35:38,232 --> 01:35:40,525
It's... You know why?
'Cause I hate rich people.
2088
01:35:40,610 --> 01:35:42,152
Fucking I'm rich
and I hate rich people.
2089
01:35:42,236 --> 01:35:44,404
I hate everything
I fucking do now.
2090
01:35:44,489 --> 01:35:45,614
I go to Hawaii, I'm like,
2091
01:35:45,698 --> 01:35:49,993
"You fucking
snotty cocksucker,
going to Hawaii."
2092
01:35:50,578 --> 01:35:54,539
Buy a new car, "La-di-da,
look who's got a new car."
2093
01:35:55,166 --> 01:35:58,585
You know, I thought about
giving all my money,
just giving it away,
2094
01:35:58,670 --> 01:36:02,005
but then I was like,
"What a rich-guy thing to do.
2095
01:36:04,175 --> 01:36:05,842
"Mr. Charitable."
2096
01:36:05,927 --> 01:36:07,135
(ALL LAUGHING)
2097
01:36:07,220 --> 01:36:09,638
Well, why didn't
you tell me?
I was just here.
2098
01:36:09,722 --> 01:36:12,349
Laura, if I told you,
you might not have talked
to me anymore, so I...
2099
01:36:12,433 --> 01:36:14,184
What are you talking about?
That's ridiculous.
2100
01:36:14,268 --> 01:36:16,144
I knew you forgave me
because I was sick
2101
01:36:16,229 --> 01:36:18,021
and there was no other way
you would forgive me.
2102
01:36:18,106 --> 01:36:19,439
I know,
but it's different now.
2103
01:36:19,524 --> 01:36:21,775
We've been talking...
What are you... No!
2104
01:36:21,859 --> 01:36:22,859
Really?
2105
01:36:22,944 --> 01:36:25,112
This is...
So, what are you...
So, did the...
2106
01:36:25,488 --> 01:36:27,447
The doctor said I'm good.
I'm better for now.
2107
01:36:27,532 --> 01:36:28,907
I don't know what
the hell's gonna happen,
2108
01:36:28,991 --> 01:36:31,159
but for now the guy
said I'm good.
2109
01:36:32,537 --> 01:36:33,745
(SIGHS)
2110
01:36:34,205 --> 01:36:35,789
I'm so happy.
2111
01:36:35,873 --> 01:36:37,124
You are happy?
2112
01:36:38,167 --> 01:36:40,502
Mmm-hmm.
God, thank you.
Thank you.
2113
01:36:51,180 --> 01:36:53,265
All right. Yeah.
2114
01:36:54,517 --> 01:36:55,767
(SIGHS)
2115
01:36:58,646 --> 01:36:59,813
You okay, man?
2116
01:36:59,897 --> 01:37:01,356
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
2117
01:37:01,649 --> 01:37:02,691
(EXHALES)
2118
01:37:02,775 --> 01:37:03,775
I hope they
got some food.
2119
01:37:04,026 --> 01:37:05,610
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
2120
01:37:06,195 --> 01:37:07,279
Hey, hey.
2121
01:37:07,363 --> 01:37:09,072
Hi!
Hi.
2122
01:37:09,157 --> 01:37:12,534
I'm so glad
you guys came.
Hello. Hi.
2123
01:37:12,618 --> 01:37:14,202
Good to see you. Wow.
Hi. How's it going?
2124
01:37:14,287 --> 01:37:15,287
Hello, Ira.
2125
01:37:15,371 --> 01:37:17,789
Oh! Thank you.
2126
01:37:18,958 --> 01:37:20,959
Jeez. Beautiful house!
2127
01:37:21,043 --> 01:37:22,043
Thank you.
2128
01:37:22,128 --> 01:37:24,212
How long have
you guys been here?
2129
01:37:24,297 --> 01:37:26,423
We've been here
about five years now.
2130
01:37:26,507 --> 01:37:27,549
(SNARLS)
2131
01:37:27,633 --> 01:37:28,592
What's up?
2132
01:37:28,676 --> 01:37:31,595
This is my friend, George.
And this is Ira.
2133
01:37:31,679 --> 01:37:32,888
This is Ingrid.
2134
01:37:32,972 --> 01:37:36,266
Wow! George didn't mention
you had a daughter.
2135
01:37:37,101 --> 01:37:38,518
GEORGE: Have you seen
any of my movies?
2136
01:37:38,603 --> 01:37:41,146
I saw the movie where
you had a baby body.
2137
01:37:41,230 --> 01:37:44,316
So, you saw Re-Do.
Can you do the face?
2138
01:37:45,735 --> 01:37:48,111
(BOTH BABBLING)
2139
01:37:52,617 --> 01:37:54,493
GEORGE: Hey, that's
a good impression.
2140
01:37:54,827 --> 01:37:56,495
Don't leave me
in the playroom!
2141
01:37:56,579 --> 01:37:58,997
This is my daughter, Mable.
She just got braces.
2142
01:37:59,123 --> 01:38:00,373
Oh, yeah?
Let me see them.
2143
01:38:00,833 --> 01:38:04,169
You mind if I eat
a little bit of that
sandwich right there?
2144
01:38:05,838 --> 01:38:07,589
Ira?
I'm... I'm full.
2145
01:38:07,673 --> 01:38:09,591
Do you guys want to play
the peanut-butter game?
2146
01:38:09,675 --> 01:38:11,802
It's fun.
You want to play?
2147
01:38:11,886 --> 01:38:13,303
Let's do it!
Ira?
2148
01:38:13,387 --> 01:38:14,596
Yeah, I like
peanut butter, yeah.
2149
01:38:14,680 --> 01:38:15,806
Let's do the
peanut-butter game!
2150
01:38:15,890 --> 01:38:17,057
All right!
Hooray!
2151
01:38:17,141 --> 01:38:20,227
Peanut-butter game!
Peanut-butter game!
2152
01:38:20,394 --> 01:38:21,478
Okay, just put
a little bit.
2153
01:38:21,604 --> 01:38:22,646
MABLE: Okay.
GEORGE: What's she doing?
2154
01:38:22,730 --> 01:38:23,730
A little bit.
2155
01:38:23,815 --> 01:38:25,065
(LAUGHING)
2156
01:38:25,149 --> 01:38:26,650
Okay, okay.
I think that's good.
2157
01:38:26,734 --> 01:38:29,569
This is what you guys do
in your free time? Okay.
2158
01:38:29,695 --> 01:38:31,071
MABLE: There he is!
GEORGE: Oh, boy.
2159
01:38:31,155 --> 01:38:32,113
LAURA: Come on.
2160
01:38:32,198 --> 01:38:33,448
(LAUGHING)
2161
01:38:33,533 --> 01:38:35,283
GEORGE: He got her.
He got her.
2162
01:38:35,368 --> 01:38:36,952
(EXCLAIMING)
2163
01:38:38,329 --> 01:38:40,622
Oh, so, you're supposed
to do it on the ears.
2164
01:38:40,706 --> 01:38:42,541
LAURA: George's turn!
Yeah! George's turn!
2165
01:38:42,625 --> 01:38:43,834
No. I don't
want to do that.
2166
01:38:43,918 --> 01:38:45,460
LAURA: Yeah, George's turn!
No, Ira will go. Let Ira go.
2167
01:38:45,545 --> 01:38:46,962
No, no, George.
2168
01:38:47,046 --> 01:38:48,421
Come on.
Okay, all right!
2169
01:38:49,006 --> 01:38:50,882
I just washed
my hair this morning.
2170
01:38:50,967 --> 01:38:52,676
BOTH: George! George!
George! George!
2171
01:38:53,636 --> 01:38:54,803
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
2172
01:38:54,887 --> 01:38:57,055
Oh, God!
2173
01:38:59,100 --> 01:39:00,141
No!
2174
01:39:00,226 --> 01:39:01,226
Just not the...
2175
01:39:01,310 --> 01:39:02,310
Look at this.
2176
01:39:02,395 --> 01:39:03,854
GEORGE: That's
not the game!
2177
01:39:03,938 --> 01:39:05,772
(ALL CHEERING)
2178
01:39:09,819 --> 01:39:13,446
And we have a pond
with a Buddha and...
2179
01:39:13,531 --> 01:39:14,489
Wow!
2180
01:39:14,574 --> 01:39:16,241
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
2181
01:39:18,494 --> 01:39:19,870
Does that hurt?
2182
01:39:19,954 --> 01:39:22,789
So, what... Who is a good...
You're a good guy,
you're a bad guy?
2183
01:39:22,874 --> 01:39:24,708
(EXCLAIMING)
2184
01:39:43,895 --> 01:39:47,564
Now I go.
2185
01:39:47,648 --> 01:39:49,065
And now I go.
2186
01:39:49,150 --> 01:39:51,318
You can't move.
You're stuck.
2187
01:39:51,402 --> 01:39:52,402
Ira.
IRA: Hey.
2188
01:39:52,486 --> 01:39:55,238
Hey, Laura asked
if we want to eat
dinner here tonight.
2189
01:39:55,948 --> 01:39:59,034
Oh. Thank you.
What... We...
2190
01:39:59,118 --> 01:40:00,285
It's like
an eight-hour
drive back.
2191
01:40:00,369 --> 01:40:03,038
We won't get home till like
5:00 in the morning that way.
2192
01:40:03,122 --> 01:40:04,164
GEORGE: We'll figure
something out.
2193
01:40:04,248 --> 01:40:07,959
So, we're gonna go to
the grocery store and get
some food so I can cook.
2194
01:40:08,044 --> 01:40:09,920
Home-cooked meal. Perfect.
2195
01:40:10,004 --> 01:40:11,880
Okay. So, you're okay
to watch the girls?
2196
01:40:11,964 --> 01:40:13,673
Yeah, definitely.
I'm good with kids.
2197
01:40:13,758 --> 01:40:16,676
I was a...
I was a Jewish summer camp
counselor for five years.
2198
01:40:16,761 --> 01:40:18,136
(SPEAKING HEBREW)
2199
01:40:18,220 --> 01:40:20,639
But I'm good with
non-Jewish kids, too.
2200
01:40:20,723 --> 01:40:23,058
Okay, so we'll be right back.
It's around the corner.
2201
01:40:23,142 --> 01:40:24,476
GEORGE: Very good.
2202
01:40:32,276 --> 01:40:35,153
Should I have worn
my jogging shoes?
Where are we going?
2203
01:40:47,333 --> 01:40:49,209
You sure? You sure
you want to do this?
2204
01:40:49,293 --> 01:40:50,293
Mmm-hmm.
2205
01:40:50,378 --> 01:40:52,253
Wherever my husband is,
he's probably doing
the same thing.
2206
01:40:52,338 --> 01:40:53,338
Mmm-hmm.
2207
01:40:53,422 --> 01:40:54,506
Okay.
2208
01:40:56,175 --> 01:40:57,175
Jesus.
2209
01:40:57,843 --> 01:40:59,094
(SIGHS)
2210
01:41:00,471 --> 01:41:02,055
Echo, echo, echo.
2211
01:41:02,139 --> 01:41:03,473
(LAUGHING)
2212
01:41:06,936 --> 01:41:08,061
You know, when
I broke up with you,
2213
01:41:08,145 --> 01:41:12,065
I tried to find
somebody who was the
exact opposite of you.
2214
01:41:14,694 --> 01:41:17,195
But Clarke
is exactly like you.
2215
01:41:18,656 --> 01:41:22,075
It's like I'm programmed
to find the same person,
2216
01:41:23,077 --> 01:41:26,538
like there's some
lesson I'm supposed
to learn from it all.
2217
01:41:28,124 --> 01:41:30,625
How many times
did you cheat on me?
2218
01:41:31,252 --> 01:41:34,254
I don't want
to paint a picture.
2219
01:41:34,338 --> 01:41:38,508
I was young and stupid,
but I changed,
I swear to God.
2220
01:41:39,719 --> 01:41:42,262
How exactly
have you changed?
2221
01:41:42,388 --> 01:41:46,599
I got a peek at something
most people only
get to see once.
2222
01:41:48,728 --> 01:41:51,271
You know,
I went to a psychic
who told me that...
2223
01:41:51,355 --> 01:41:55,775
That you and I would
get back together
when we were 70.
2224
01:41:55,860 --> 01:41:58,278
And she also said
not to eat any chicken.
2225
01:41:58,988 --> 01:42:00,488
Well, we couldn't wait.
2226
01:42:00,573 --> 01:42:01,740
Mmm-hmm.
2227
01:42:01,991 --> 01:42:05,243
You loved me before
anybody loved me.
2228
01:42:05,327 --> 01:42:06,327
I know.
2229
01:42:12,043 --> 01:42:15,420
This is the only place
that I ever wanted to be.
2230
01:42:16,380 --> 01:42:18,882
When is George
gonna die?
2231
01:42:18,966 --> 01:42:21,009
George is gonna die?
2232
01:42:23,012 --> 01:42:25,180
No. Why would
you guys say that?
2233
01:42:25,264 --> 01:42:28,475
I heard my mom talking
to her friend on the phone,
and she was crying.
2234
01:42:28,559 --> 01:42:30,351
I don't want
George to die.
2235
01:42:30,436 --> 01:42:32,062
Why do you care?
You just met him.
2236
01:42:32,146 --> 01:42:33,146
Shut up.
2237
01:42:33,272 --> 01:42:35,148
You shut up!
Okay, okay,
guys, guys, guys.
2238
01:42:35,232 --> 01:42:36,649
George is not gonna die.
2239
01:42:36,734 --> 01:42:40,570
George, he was sick,
but he went to the doctor
2240
01:42:40,654 --> 01:42:42,197
and they gave him
different types of medicine
2241
01:42:42,281 --> 01:42:43,782
until they found
one that worked.
2242
01:42:43,866 --> 01:42:45,533
And now he's gonna
be just fine.
2243
01:42:45,618 --> 01:42:47,619
He's gonna live a really,
really long time.
2244
01:42:47,787 --> 01:42:49,829
I think
my mommy
loves him.
2245
01:42:50,956 --> 01:42:54,042
Well, you know,
we all love him.
2246
01:42:54,126 --> 01:42:55,627
He's made a lot
of great movies.
2247
01:42:55,711 --> 01:42:58,254
I think she loves him,
like, loves him.
2248
01:42:58,339 --> 01:43:00,423
INGRID: Love.
Love, love, love.
2249
01:43:00,508 --> 01:43:04,260
(SINGING) Love, love, love
They're gonna have a baby
2250
01:43:04,470 --> 01:43:09,265
They're gonna have a baby
Baby, marriage, love
2251
01:43:09,975 --> 01:43:12,769
They're gonna have
a little MerMan baby.
2252
01:43:17,566 --> 01:43:21,236
You saved my acting reel?
I was wondering
where this was.
2253
01:43:21,320 --> 01:43:22,695
Why didn't you
give this to me?
2254
01:43:22,780 --> 01:43:24,072
'Cause I was watching it.
2255
01:43:24,156 --> 01:43:26,908
You know, I always get
the feeling that you think
I'm stupid or something.
2256
01:43:26,992 --> 01:43:29,202
LAURA: Look at my hair!
I look like a leprechaun.
2257
01:43:29,286 --> 01:43:30,411
No.
2258
01:43:30,496 --> 01:43:31,538
LAURA ON TV:
I am stupid.
2259
01:43:31,622 --> 01:43:33,790
Ooh! Is my voice
still that high?
2260
01:43:33,874 --> 01:43:37,168
No! No, no, no, no.
No, but they need you
back in Munchkinville.
2261
01:43:37,253 --> 01:43:38,920
(LAUGHS) They miss the mayor.
2262
01:43:39,004 --> 01:43:40,296
LAURA: Shut up!
2263
01:43:40,673 --> 01:43:43,049
That was the best time
in my life.
2264
01:43:43,509 --> 01:43:46,136
I got something else for you.
You might remember these.
2265
01:43:46,929 --> 01:43:49,097
(GASPS)
Please tell me you do!
2266
01:43:49,974 --> 01:43:51,391
Are these
my favorite
buttjeans?
2267
01:43:51,475 --> 01:43:52,892
Yes. Yes. Yes.
2268
01:43:53,018 --> 01:43:53,977
Really?
2269
01:43:54,061 --> 01:43:55,019
Yeah, you can
have them back.
2270
01:43:55,146 --> 01:43:56,437
I'm so excited!
Yeah.
2271
01:43:56,522 --> 01:43:57,981
Do you think
they still fit me?
2272
01:43:58,065 --> 01:43:59,107
I guarantee it.
2273
01:43:59,191 --> 01:44:00,275
I'm so happy!
2274
01:44:00,359 --> 01:44:02,944
I guarantee it.
Get in those.
2275
01:44:03,070 --> 01:44:04,946
These used to kill me.
Oh, my God,
they're so faded.
2276
01:44:05,030 --> 01:44:06,531
Oh, shit!
2277
01:44:06,615 --> 01:44:07,615
They fit!
2278
01:44:07,700 --> 01:44:09,117
They look good!
Really?
2279
01:44:09,201 --> 01:44:10,743
Yeah, that's
the same ass!
2280
01:44:10,828 --> 01:44:14,914
Fucking ass is perfect.
Minus that camel
coming out the back.
2281
01:44:14,999 --> 01:44:17,125
(SINGING) Bump and groove it
2282
01:44:17,209 --> 01:44:20,003
To the left now
To the right, y'all
2283
01:44:20,087 --> 01:44:21,087
Slap that shit!
2284
01:44:21,172 --> 01:44:23,047
(BEATBOXING)
2285
01:44:23,549 --> 01:44:25,717
Look at that!
They're like Mom jeans.
2286
01:44:25,801 --> 01:44:29,345
Oh, yes. If Mom needed
to get banged again.
2287
01:44:29,430 --> 01:44:30,430
Thank you.
2288
01:44:30,514 --> 01:44:31,890
Yeah, get over here.
2289
01:44:35,895 --> 01:44:38,438
Don't leave me.
Don't leave me.
2290
01:44:43,986 --> 01:44:46,613
Oh! Hey, guys,
what took you so long?
2291
01:44:46,697 --> 01:44:49,199
We were checking
out the town, man.
Beautiful!
2292
01:44:49,283 --> 01:44:50,450
Where are
the groceries?
2293
01:44:50,534 --> 01:44:53,620
We decided that
eating in might
be more fun.
2294
01:44:54,246 --> 01:44:56,247
(SOFTLY) Oh, no,
you didn't.
2295
01:44:56,332 --> 01:44:58,291
How could you
do that, man? No.
2296
01:44:58,584 --> 01:45:00,501
I didn't do
anything, Ira.
2297
01:45:00,586 --> 01:45:02,253
No, I know you did it.
I know you did.
2298
01:45:02,338 --> 01:45:04,714
All that's missing
is your Popsicle.
Come on.
2299
01:45:04,798 --> 01:45:06,674
Ira, are you
cranky right now?
2300
01:45:06,759 --> 01:45:07,967
Do you need food
in your belly?
2301
01:45:08,052 --> 01:45:09,010
No.
2302
01:45:09,094 --> 01:45:10,762
Come on, we're gonna
order in a pizza.
2303
01:45:11,388 --> 01:45:14,474
(CARTOONISHLY) Of course,
Mr. Peters.
2304
01:45:14,558 --> 01:45:15,516
I'll be at the...
2305
01:45:15,601 --> 01:45:16,768
(COUGHS)
2306
01:45:16,852 --> 01:45:18,186
Lunch meeting.
2307
01:45:19,188 --> 01:45:21,522
You're serving seafood?
2308
01:45:21,607 --> 01:45:22,941
(WHIMPERING)
2309
01:45:24,109 --> 01:45:26,027
I love seafood!
2310
01:45:26,654 --> 01:45:28,446
Okay, see you there!
2311
01:45:30,574 --> 01:45:32,075
Pizza's here!
Yeah.
2312
01:45:32,159 --> 01:45:33,576
I'll be right back.
Yes.
2313
01:45:33,661 --> 01:45:35,370
I'm the pizza monster!
2314
01:45:35,454 --> 01:45:36,621
(EXCLAIMING)
2315
01:45:39,291 --> 01:45:41,292
Hi, honey!
2316
01:45:41,543 --> 01:45:42,919
Clarke.
Hi, sweetie.
2317
01:45:43,003 --> 01:45:45,213
Hi. What are you
doing here?
2318
01:45:45,297 --> 01:45:47,048
Decided to surprise you.
2319
01:45:47,132 --> 01:45:49,884
The guy I was meant
to have the meeting with
had a heart attack
2320
01:45:49,969 --> 01:45:51,261
while I was waiting
in reception for him.
2321
01:45:51,345 --> 01:45:52,804
It was unbelievable.
Wow.
2322
01:45:52,888 --> 01:45:54,555
Next minute, this Chinese
George Clooney guy
2323
01:45:54,640 --> 01:45:55,932
comes running past
with, like, the...
2324
01:45:56,475 --> 01:45:57,725
What's it called?
A defibrillator?
2325
01:45:57,810 --> 01:45:59,143
Starts zapping him.
Right. Yeah, I've seen it.
2326
01:45:59,228 --> 01:46:01,562
It was like
an episode of ER,
but with Chinamen.
2327
01:46:01,647 --> 01:46:03,690
I missed you.
2328
01:46:08,779 --> 01:46:09,737
I know you.
2329
01:46:09,822 --> 01:46:11,114
Yes.
2330
01:46:11,198 --> 01:46:12,365
(CLEARS THROAT)
2331
01:46:12,449 --> 01:46:13,658
How you doing?
2332
01:46:14,285 --> 01:46:15,576
This is George Simmons.
2333
01:46:15,661 --> 01:46:17,203
He had a big comedy
concert last night.
2334
01:46:17,288 --> 01:46:18,288
Oh, okay.
2335
01:46:18,497 --> 01:46:21,332
And so, I asked him
to pop by and come visit.
2336
01:46:22,584 --> 01:46:24,127
Hope that's good. I...
2337
01:46:24,211 --> 01:46:25,712
I love the
stand-up comedy.
2338
01:46:26,005 --> 01:46:27,630
Yeah, yeah.
How'd it go?
2339
01:46:27,715 --> 01:46:31,926
They didn't... They didn't
boo me off the stage,
so that was a plus.
2340
01:46:32,011 --> 01:46:35,221
Yeah, they're
a bunch of bloody
cheese eaters up here.
2341
01:46:35,306 --> 01:46:37,056
Yeah. No, they were
very nice. Yeah.
2342
01:46:37,141 --> 01:46:39,642
You have a...
You have a very
nice family, man,
2343
01:46:39,727 --> 01:46:41,227
and a great, great home.
2344
01:46:41,312 --> 01:46:42,770
Thank you.
2345
01:46:42,855 --> 01:46:44,272
Well, it's good
to have you home.
2346
01:46:44,356 --> 01:46:45,898
The kids are dying
to see you if...
2347
01:46:45,983 --> 01:46:48,609
Ira's hungry for...
2348
01:46:48,694 --> 01:46:49,694
G'day. Clarke.
2349
01:46:50,070 --> 01:46:51,779
Good day, I'm Ira.
2350
01:46:51,864 --> 01:46:53,448
Your husband's here.
LAURA: Yeah. Yep.
2351
01:46:53,532 --> 01:46:56,993
Ira is
George's opening act.
He's really funny.
2352
01:46:57,077 --> 01:46:58,953
Really?
He looks funny!
2353
01:46:59,872 --> 01:47:00,872
Thank you.
2354
01:47:00,956 --> 01:47:02,415
How'd you go
last night?
2355
01:47:02,499 --> 01:47:05,043
You know,
they didn't boo me off
or anything, so...
2356
01:47:05,127 --> 01:47:06,461
(SOFTLY) I just
said that one.
2357
01:47:06,545 --> 01:47:08,379
It was great.
Yeah.
2358
01:47:08,464 --> 01:47:10,673
They just popped by,
I gave them
a tour of the house.
2359
01:47:10,758 --> 01:47:12,467
We were gonna have
dinner, but it's not...
2360
01:47:12,551 --> 01:47:14,635
It's probably better
that we do family dinner
2361
01:47:14,720 --> 01:47:15,887
since you're only
in town a few days.
2362
01:47:15,971 --> 01:47:17,055
No, stay.
That's a great idea.
2363
01:47:17,139 --> 01:47:18,348
The more the merrier.
2364
01:47:18,432 --> 01:47:19,640
Okay. Let's do that.
2365
01:47:19,892 --> 01:47:21,434
Thank you.
LAURA: Great.
2366
01:47:21,518 --> 01:47:22,477
I'm gonna go
say hi to the kids.
2367
01:47:22,561 --> 01:47:24,062
Okay.
Okay.
2368
01:47:24,146 --> 01:47:25,646
(LAUGHS) That's hilarious.
2369
01:47:25,731 --> 01:47:27,940
You can't tell
him that you're
better, okay?
2370
01:47:28,025 --> 01:47:30,318
He'll know that something
happened between us.
2371
01:47:30,402 --> 01:47:31,486
I won't.
Okay?
2372
01:47:31,570 --> 01:47:33,863
'Cause I've been married
for 12 years now
and I have kids.
2373
01:47:33,947 --> 01:47:36,240
And I can't
just throw it away
this second, okay?
2374
01:47:36,450 --> 01:47:40,745
Hey, we'll be fine.
I'm a good actor.
You're a great actress.
2375
01:47:40,829 --> 01:47:43,831
Right. He hated you
until he found out
that you were sick.
2376
01:47:43,916 --> 01:47:47,835
And if he knows that you were
here and that you're feeling
better, he's gonna know.
2377
01:47:47,920 --> 01:47:49,003
So, don't say anything.
2378
01:47:49,088 --> 01:47:50,505
Okay, yeah, yeah.
2379
01:47:50,589 --> 01:47:52,423
Of course. Sure.
I'll do that.
2380
01:47:52,966 --> 01:47:55,343
People never thought
China would do that much
business with the US,
2381
01:47:55,427 --> 01:47:57,970
but I never saw it
as a big deal.
You look at it like this.
2382
01:47:58,055 --> 01:47:59,180
You've got
a billion people.
2383
01:47:59,264 --> 01:48:00,723
We make all kinds
of cool shit.
2384
01:48:00,808 --> 01:48:03,017
They find out
about the cool shit, like,
on the Internet and stuff.
2385
01:48:03,102 --> 01:48:04,102
And they're gonna
want the cool shit.
2386
01:48:04,186 --> 01:48:05,978
Cool shit's universal.
2387
01:48:06,063 --> 01:48:08,314
China's been good,
but I'm trying to get
into North Korea now.
2388
01:48:08,399 --> 01:48:09,899
That's the next...
That's, like,
the next frontier.
2389
01:48:10,025 --> 01:48:11,776
Wow. Wow.
North Korea?
North Korea.
2390
01:48:11,902 --> 01:48:14,362
Those people would
blow you for a Wii Fit.
2391
01:48:14,446 --> 01:48:15,655
GEORGE: There you go.
2392
01:48:15,739 --> 01:48:17,532
This is really
good pizza.
2393
01:48:17,616 --> 01:48:19,367
You know, they say, like,
New York has the best pizza
2394
01:48:19,451 --> 01:48:21,369
and I always thought
pizza in LA was only okay,
2395
01:48:21,453 --> 01:48:22,495
but who would have
thought, you know,
2396
01:48:22,579 --> 01:48:27,250
Marin County is where
they were really hiding
the good pizza pies.
2397
01:48:29,086 --> 01:48:30,837
(IRA SPEAKING ITALIAN)
2398
01:48:33,132 --> 01:48:35,049
Clarke speaks
fluent Chinese.
2399
01:48:35,134 --> 01:48:38,052
Really? Do you speak
Cantonese or Mandarin?
2400
01:48:38,137 --> 01:48:40,388
Oh, well played, Ira.
Mandarin.
2401
01:48:40,472 --> 01:48:42,223
Well gayed, Ira.
2402
01:48:42,307 --> 01:48:44,809
It's a bloody hard language,
though, George. Jesus.
2403
01:48:45,477 --> 01:48:48,688
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
2404
01:48:50,899 --> 01:48:52,608
(BOTH SPEAKING MANDARIN)
2405
01:48:52,693 --> 01:48:54,068
(REPEATING)
2406
01:49:02,035 --> 01:49:03,911
That was like a scene
from Deer Hunter.
2407
01:49:04,830 --> 01:49:06,873
(BOTH SPEAKING VIETNAMESE)
2408
01:49:07,166 --> 01:49:09,500
Girls, you can go
and watch TV.
2409
01:49:10,085 --> 01:49:12,795
Go on.
Whatever you
want to watch.
2410
01:49:13,839 --> 01:49:16,924
So, George,
how's the fight
going, mate?
2411
01:49:17,009 --> 01:49:17,967
How is it?
2412
01:49:18,051 --> 01:49:22,597
Clarke. This is not something
that he wants to talk
about right now.
2413
01:49:22,681 --> 01:49:26,100
He has to think about
it every day of his life.
2414
01:49:26,185 --> 01:49:29,020
And he's taking
a break from it
right now.
2415
01:49:29,104 --> 01:49:35,902
(CRYING) It's such
a shame that somebody
who has brought so much joy
2416
01:49:35,986 --> 01:49:38,696
to so many people
has to go through this.
2417
01:49:39,615 --> 01:49:42,450
Shit. Shit.
2418
01:49:42,534 --> 01:49:43,576
I'm sorry, mate.
2419
01:49:43,660 --> 01:49:47,705
Laura. Laura.
We don't need
to speak in code.
2420
01:49:47,789 --> 01:49:49,957
I'm sick. I think
about it all the time.
2421
01:49:50,042 --> 01:49:51,292
CLARKE: Mate,
I don't know
how you do it.
2422
01:49:51,376 --> 01:49:53,878
I would be crying
in my panties if I was you.
2423
01:49:54,004 --> 01:49:56,005
I worship guys
like you, that attitude.
2424
01:49:56,089 --> 01:49:57,590
Have you considered
Eastern medicine?
2425
01:49:57,674 --> 01:50:00,510
Well, I don't know
if this is considered
Eastern medicine,
2426
01:50:00,594 --> 01:50:02,720
but I've been eating
a lot of rhino cock.
2427
01:50:02,804 --> 01:50:06,641
If Clarke thinks
it's the right thing to do,
let me chew some.
2428
01:50:06,725 --> 01:50:08,684
For the last time,
stop calling me Rhino.
2429
01:50:08,769 --> 01:50:10,269
(ALL LAUGHING)
2430
01:50:11,855 --> 01:50:13,648
George Simmons
in my house!
2431
01:50:13,732 --> 01:50:17,860
Clarke took an herb once,
and he had heart palpitations
and diarrhea.
2432
01:50:17,945 --> 01:50:19,403
No, it's true.
I shit myself, mate,
2433
01:50:19,488 --> 01:50:20,905
and I had a boner
at the same time.
2434
01:50:20,989 --> 01:50:22,406
(LAUGHING)
2435
01:50:23,534 --> 01:50:25,826
I want to take an herb
that makes me
as good-looking as you.
2436
01:50:25,911 --> 01:50:27,537
Jesus Christ!
2437
01:50:27,621 --> 01:50:29,830
If I were you I'd be at home
all day fucking myself.
2438
01:50:29,915 --> 01:50:30,915
CLARKE: That's what I do!
2439
01:50:30,999 --> 01:50:32,667
(GEORGE LAUGHING)
2440
01:50:32,751 --> 01:50:35,002
All right! All right!
We're cooking.
2441
01:50:35,420 --> 01:50:36,963
He's really funny.
Mmm-hmm.
2442
01:50:37,172 --> 01:50:38,756
I don't know why his movies
aren't funny, though.
2443
01:50:38,882 --> 01:50:40,383
That's weird,
isn't it?
Mmm-hmm.
2444
01:50:40,467 --> 01:50:42,009
He should put some of that
on the silver screen.
2445
01:50:42,094 --> 01:50:43,344
So, just one drink,
okay?
2446
01:50:43,428 --> 01:50:46,013
This isn't someone
I want to spend
a lot of time with.
2447
01:50:46,098 --> 01:50:48,015
This?
This is the Australian me?
2448
01:50:48,100 --> 01:50:49,767
I'm so much better
than this fucking idiot.
2449
01:50:49,851 --> 01:50:51,102
He seems like
the nicest guy, ever.
2450
01:50:51,186 --> 01:50:53,020
He's trying to cure you
with herbs for God's sakes.
2451
01:50:53,105 --> 01:50:55,189
I can't leave her alone here.
I have to save her.
2452
01:50:55,274 --> 01:50:57,316
Save her from her
beautiful house
and lovely husband
2453
01:50:57,401 --> 01:50:58,526
and delightful kids?
2454
01:50:58,610 --> 01:51:00,194
Her husband's a skipping,
cheating psycho.
2455
01:51:00,279 --> 01:51:01,862
You said nothing
was going on
between you two.
2456
01:51:01,947 --> 01:51:03,823
The dog could tell
that you banged her.
2457
01:51:03,907 --> 01:51:05,157
And I'm getting
nauseous and sweaty.
I can't...
2458
01:51:05,242 --> 01:51:08,327
Get away from me!
Get away from me!
Go play with the kids.
2459
01:51:09,246 --> 01:51:10,371
(AUDIENCE ON TV LAUGHING)
2460
01:51:10,455 --> 01:51:13,124
WOMAN: Tim, are you
asking me out on a date?
2461
01:51:13,208 --> 01:51:14,667
Would you like
it to be a date?
2462
01:51:14,751 --> 01:51:16,544
Hey, bro,
so your doctor called
2463
01:51:16,628 --> 01:51:19,964
and he said it is contagious,
but only when inflamed,
so you're cool.
2464
01:51:20,048 --> 01:51:21,048
(SCOFFS)
2465
01:51:21,133 --> 01:51:22,592
Also, I was trying
to do the laundry,
2466
01:51:22,676 --> 01:51:25,052
but I think I need to get some
industrial-strength detergent.
2467
01:51:25,137 --> 01:51:27,555
What's up
with all the skid marks,
Dale Earnhardt, Jr?
2468
01:51:27,639 --> 01:51:30,266
Wow, I think
I have a class.
2469
01:51:30,350 --> 01:51:31,684
You guys like this show?
2470
01:51:31,768 --> 01:51:32,893
BOTH: No!
2471
01:51:32,978 --> 01:51:35,104
It's the worst show, ever.
2472
01:51:35,188 --> 01:51:36,188
Good.
2473
01:51:36,982 --> 01:51:38,899
Here you go.
We're finished
with the French shit.
2474
01:51:38,984 --> 01:51:40,568
We're into española!
2475
01:51:40,652 --> 01:51:42,236
All right.
2476
01:51:43,030 --> 01:51:44,739
China, man.
Wow.
2477
01:51:44,823 --> 01:51:47,575
And you guys never
see each other, huh?
That must be rough.
2478
01:51:47,659 --> 01:51:48,868
Right? Rough on the kids.
2479
01:51:48,952 --> 01:51:52,163
It's not ideal,
but the kids
like to eat, so...
2480
01:51:52,456 --> 01:51:53,664
(LAUGHS)
2481
01:51:53,832 --> 01:51:56,792
You ever see this
girl act before?
She was quite the actress.
2482
01:51:56,877 --> 01:51:58,753
Well, she's very good
at pretending
she still loves me,
2483
01:51:58,837 --> 01:52:00,463
so she's pretty
good then, isn't she?
2484
01:52:00,547 --> 01:52:02,173
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I am.
2485
01:52:03,300 --> 01:52:06,260
Can't say I watched much
of that Melrose Place
stuff, though.
2486
01:52:06,345 --> 01:52:08,054
Although I did see
the Party of Five
episode you were in.
2487
01:52:08,138 --> 01:52:10,139
It wasn't really
for me, you know.
2488
01:52:10,307 --> 01:52:15,311
Well, it was down to me
and Cameron Diaz for the
lead part in The Mask.
2489
01:52:15,395 --> 01:52:17,521
Cameron Diaz!
That's my girl.
2490
01:52:17,606 --> 01:52:19,607
She's a bloody top
actress, isn't she?
2491
01:52:19,691 --> 01:52:22,443
Hey, what was that film
she was in with the
bloody spuff in her hair?
2492
01:52:22,569 --> 01:52:23,736
Something About Mary!
2493
01:52:23,820 --> 01:52:24,820
(EXCLAIMING)
2494
01:52:24,905 --> 01:52:27,823
I love that movie!
She's so funny!
2495
01:52:27,908 --> 01:52:29,742
Just about shit
my panties
in that one.
2496
01:52:29,910 --> 01:52:31,118
No, no, no, there's
not too many girls
2497
01:52:31,203 --> 01:52:34,747
that are this beautiful
and sexy and funny and...
2498
01:52:34,831 --> 01:52:36,123
She had the whole deal.
2499
01:52:36,208 --> 01:52:41,629
Es, but Cameron Diaz, fuck!
I mean, come on.
2500
01:52:42,798 --> 01:52:43,881
See, if you had've
done that movie,
2501
01:52:43,965 --> 01:52:45,508
you could have had
the bloody spuff
in your hair.
2502
01:52:45,592 --> 01:52:46,592
Look out.
2503
01:52:46,677 --> 01:52:47,635
CLARKE: What are you giving
me the evil eyes for?
2504
01:52:47,719 --> 01:52:48,886
You're such
a dick sometimes.
2505
01:52:48,970 --> 01:52:50,054
I'm not... Why?
2506
01:52:50,138 --> 01:52:51,180
Because.
2507
01:52:51,264 --> 01:52:54,141
CLARKE: I'm just saying
you had your crack,
you had your go at it.
2508
01:52:54,226 --> 01:52:56,060
I feel like I didn't
reach my potential that...
2509
01:52:56,144 --> 01:52:57,436
Oh, please!
2510
01:52:57,521 --> 01:52:58,479
Oh, please, what?
2511
01:52:58,563 --> 01:52:59,730
I didn't reach
my potential, either!
2512
01:52:59,815 --> 01:53:01,148
I could have been
playing footie!
2513
01:53:01,233 --> 01:53:02,233
You weren't that good
2514
01:53:02,317 --> 01:53:03,484
at playing footie.
I was.
2515
01:53:03,568 --> 01:53:04,568
LAURA: You weren't.
2516
01:53:05,529 --> 01:53:08,948
You should thank me, George.
I took a bullet here for you.
2517
01:53:09,032 --> 01:53:11,992
All right,
on that note, I'm gonna
head back to Los Angeles.
2518
01:53:12,077 --> 01:53:13,077
No, come on, stay.
2519
01:53:13,161 --> 01:53:14,161
No, it's fine.
I'll split.
2520
01:53:14,246 --> 01:53:15,287
It's early.
I've been here too long.
2521
01:53:15,372 --> 01:53:16,580
Schmira!
We just started
a bottle.
2522
01:53:16,665 --> 01:53:19,542
Nah, nah, nah.
You guys have been
the best. Schmira!
2523
01:53:19,626 --> 01:53:22,253
Thank you so much
for having us, guys. Oh!
2524
01:53:22,337 --> 01:53:24,004
Shoot.
CLARKE: Uh-oh! Look out.
2525
01:53:24,089 --> 01:53:25,089
God, I'm sorry, guys.
2526
01:53:25,173 --> 01:53:26,173
CLARKE: Someone's
had too much to drink.
2527
01:53:26,258 --> 01:53:29,301
Oh, man, no.
No, I just kicked your pot
by accident, that's all. I...
2528
01:53:29,594 --> 01:53:31,512
Hold it together
there, Schmira.
I'm just a... Oh, God.
2529
01:53:31,596 --> 01:53:32,555
It's okay.
2530
01:53:32,639 --> 01:53:33,848
You're staying here.
You're not driving.
2531
01:53:33,932 --> 01:53:36,517
No way. We got a guest house,
two spare beds. Done.
2532
01:53:36,601 --> 01:53:38,227
You two, plenty
of room to stay.
No, no. Ira can drive.
2533
01:53:38,311 --> 01:53:39,687
He... You're fine
to drive, right, Ira?
2534
01:53:39,771 --> 01:53:41,605
I am. I just kicked
your begonias, that's all.
2535
01:53:41,690 --> 01:53:44,734
No way! I'm not having
America's favorite funnyman
dead on the side of the road
2536
01:53:44,818 --> 01:53:46,402
'cause Schmira here's
had too much to drink.
2537
01:53:46,486 --> 01:53:47,653
George, you can
drive, right?
2538
01:53:47,738 --> 01:53:49,780
Bullshit!
You're staying here.
2539
01:53:49,906 --> 01:53:53,492
Plus, there's a game
of Aussie-rules footie
on the dish tonight.
2540
01:53:53,577 --> 01:53:54,952
Semi-final.
Saints versus Maggies.
2541
01:53:55,036 --> 01:53:57,204
Not that American shit.
I want you to see it.
2542
01:53:57,289 --> 01:54:00,374
One condition.
You Aussie pussies got
any beer around here?
2543
01:54:00,459 --> 01:54:02,084
Yes, it's on...
2544
01:54:02,169 --> 01:54:03,377
(WHOOPS)
2545
01:54:03,462 --> 01:54:04,503
Yes!
2546
01:54:05,088 --> 01:54:07,089
Yeah, it doesn't matter
if you're a small fucker
or a big fucker,
2547
01:54:07,174 --> 01:54:09,383
you can play this game
because the small
fuckers go in barreling
2548
01:54:09,468 --> 01:54:11,302
and they can get the ball over
and the boys are scrambling.
2549
01:54:11,386 --> 01:54:12,720
Now watch. The little
fuckers down there go.
2550
01:54:12,804 --> 01:54:14,722
There they are.
Big fuckers smack them.
2551
01:54:14,806 --> 01:54:17,266
Little fucker. Little fucker.
Off to a big fucker.
2552
01:54:17,350 --> 01:54:20,978
Now he's gonna go down
to another big fucker.
I hate that big fucker.
2553
01:54:21,062 --> 01:54:22,062
Where are the black guys?
2554
01:54:22,147 --> 01:54:23,564
CLARKE: This is...
There's a couple out there.
2555
01:54:23,648 --> 01:54:25,065
I hate this team.
Oh, yeah?
2556
01:54:25,150 --> 01:54:26,650
Magpies.
Hate the Maggies!
2557
01:54:26,735 --> 01:54:30,696
They're like...
I don't know what the
equivalent in the NFL...
2558
01:54:30,822 --> 01:54:35,284
No helmets.
No fucking helmets 'cause
they're real men. See?
2559
01:54:35,368 --> 01:54:38,871
Love you. Just explaining
the game to them.
They're loving it!
2560
01:54:43,960 --> 01:54:45,377
(MOUTHING)
2561
01:54:46,838 --> 01:54:48,380
Yeah, we gotta get
going, you know.
2562
01:54:48,465 --> 01:54:50,424
Are you sure
you can't stay?
2563
01:54:50,509 --> 01:54:52,092
We can't stay.
We can't stay.
2564
01:54:52,177 --> 01:54:55,179
Yeah, it's my...
It's my grandmother's
85th birthday.
2565
01:54:55,263 --> 01:54:56,263
We got family
coming in from all over.
2566
01:54:56,348 --> 01:54:57,306
GEORGE: That's right.
2567
01:54:57,390 --> 01:54:59,934
She just had a stroke.
In her leg.
2568
01:55:00,018 --> 01:55:01,268
So, you know,
we gotta get back.
2569
01:55:01,353 --> 01:55:02,353
Yeah.
2570
01:55:02,437 --> 01:55:04,104
That's too bad
you guys can't stay.
2571
01:55:04,189 --> 01:55:05,523
It is too bad.
2572
01:55:05,690 --> 01:55:08,025
Well, I wish
I could say I was gonna
see you again, George,
2573
01:55:08,109 --> 01:55:10,069
but I can't really
say that, can I?
2574
01:55:10,153 --> 01:55:12,446
Yeah, yeah,
I guess you can't.
2575
01:55:12,531 --> 01:55:13,531
You don't have
to do that, honey.
2576
01:55:13,615 --> 01:55:15,950
No, I do have
to do this,
honey. I do.
2577
01:55:16,034 --> 01:55:17,159
You know what, mate?
2578
01:55:17,244 --> 01:55:20,621
If there's one thing
I've learned from my Buddhist
friends, the Chinese,
2579
01:55:20,705 --> 01:55:24,250
is to keep
an open heart
and to speak the truth.
2580
01:55:24,334 --> 01:55:28,254
So, what I want
to say to you,
George, is thank you.
2581
01:55:29,214 --> 01:55:33,092
Thank you for playing
such a big role
in my wife's life.
2582
01:55:34,678 --> 01:55:36,637
It's been great
getting to know you.
2583
01:55:36,721 --> 01:55:41,642
And I wish you a peaceful
journey from here on in
and over to the other side.
2584
01:55:41,726 --> 01:55:42,935
Come here, mate.
2585
01:55:43,019 --> 01:55:45,521
Okay, we're gonna
do this.
2586
01:55:46,857 --> 01:55:48,941
Thank you.
Thank you
for everything.
2587
01:55:49,025 --> 01:55:49,984
All right.
2588
01:55:50,068 --> 01:55:51,235
Thank you.
2589
01:55:51,319 --> 01:55:53,571
All right,
I appreciate your having us.
2590
01:55:53,655 --> 01:55:56,907
Don't worry, Daddy.
He's not sick anymore.
2591
01:55:56,992 --> 01:55:58,242
Ira told us.
2592
01:55:58,326 --> 01:55:59,493
I didn't say that.
2593
01:55:59,578 --> 01:56:00,578
Yes, you did.
Yeah, you did.
2594
01:56:00,662 --> 01:56:02,621
When we were coloring.
IRA: No.
2595
01:56:02,706 --> 01:56:03,747
Yeah.
Yeah.
2596
01:56:03,832 --> 01:56:04,874
IRA: That's not
true, girls.
2597
01:56:04,958 --> 01:56:06,333
No, that's not true.
IRA: I did not say that.
2598
01:56:06,418 --> 01:56:07,710
I don't know what
they're talking about.
2599
01:56:07,794 --> 01:56:09,044
Liar.
2600
01:56:09,129 --> 01:56:11,005
Liar, liar,
pants on fire.
2601
01:56:11,089 --> 01:56:13,382
They were freaking out.
They were worried
about George.
2602
01:56:13,466 --> 01:56:15,593
I just said it so they
wouldn't be scared.
It was just...
2603
01:56:15,677 --> 01:56:17,052
Kids, go inside.
2604
01:56:17,178 --> 01:56:19,138
Can we
watch Borat?
Yeah, you can.
2605
01:56:19,222 --> 01:56:20,681
INGRID: I don't
wanna watch Borat.
Yes, you... Come on.
2606
01:56:20,765 --> 01:56:22,224
See you guys.
2607
01:56:23,435 --> 01:56:26,520
What is going
on around here?
Is that true?
2608
01:56:26,605 --> 01:56:28,856
I never said that
he was feeling better.
2609
01:56:28,940 --> 01:56:31,442
He just took some medicine
and it's looking good for him
2610
01:56:31,526 --> 01:56:32,943
because they can't
detect it in his blood,
2611
01:56:33,028 --> 01:56:35,529
but that doesn't mean
that he's better.
2612
01:56:35,614 --> 01:56:37,072
These things
are very tricky
2613
01:56:37,157 --> 01:56:40,326
and he didn't want to tell
anybody because
he didn't want to jinx it!
2614
01:56:40,410 --> 01:56:41,785
Is that true that you
didn't want to jinx it?
2615
01:56:41,870 --> 01:56:43,913
Yeah. No, no, no, I...
Yeah, I'm very
superstitious.
2616
01:56:43,997 --> 01:56:45,039
Mmm-hmm.
2617
01:56:45,123 --> 01:56:46,624
You're a terrible liar.
2618
01:56:46,750 --> 01:56:51,670
(IMITATING AUSTRALIAN ACCENT)
No, nothing's going on
around here!
2619
01:56:52,631 --> 01:56:54,214
It's completely innocent.
2620
01:56:54,299 --> 01:56:55,716
I left me ring...
What accent is that?
2621
01:56:55,800 --> 01:56:57,801
...on the side table.
Jamaican?
2622
01:56:58,094 --> 01:57:00,220
Don't mock me.
I don't appreciate it.
2623
01:57:00,680 --> 01:57:02,890
Lots of people
go to massage parlors.
2624
01:57:02,974 --> 01:57:05,601
That doesn't mean
I was getting
a rub-and-tug.
2625
01:57:05,685 --> 01:57:11,148
Those hairs on me jacket
must've fallen off
the waiter's pussy.
2626
01:57:11,608 --> 01:57:13,233
What the hell has
gotten into you?
2627
01:57:13,318 --> 01:57:15,569
I was at a footie game!
2628
01:57:15,654 --> 01:57:17,237
Are you taking
the piss out of me?
2629
01:57:17,322 --> 01:57:22,117
I would never lie
to you, mate. Oi?
2630
01:57:23,078 --> 01:57:24,078
I'm not playing
this game with you.
2631
01:57:24,162 --> 01:57:26,664
This is stupid.
What a stupid game!
2632
01:57:27,499 --> 01:57:30,250
Clarke, let's tell
each other the truth.
2633
01:57:31,169 --> 01:57:32,169
Just come
clean with me.
2634
01:57:32,253 --> 01:57:33,420
There's nothing to tell.
2635
01:57:33,505 --> 01:57:34,546
There's nothing to tell?
2636
01:57:34,631 --> 01:57:35,589
There's nothing to tell.
2637
01:57:35,674 --> 01:57:39,426
You will never
tell me the truth.
That is a pussy move!
2638
01:57:39,511 --> 01:57:41,011
You know what?
I'm not doing this.
2639
01:57:41,096 --> 01:57:44,306
I'm not being put
on a cross for something
I didn't even do!
2640
01:57:44,391 --> 01:57:45,599
Enjoy each other!
2641
01:57:45,684 --> 01:57:47,017
Go fuck your whores!
2642
01:57:47,686 --> 01:57:50,187
"Go fuck your whores"?
2643
01:57:57,988 --> 01:58:02,074
So, it's good that
he left, and this is
a huge relief for me.
2644
01:58:02,158 --> 01:58:04,201
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
2645
01:58:04,285 --> 01:58:08,872
I don't need to be
in a marriage that is
like that, so I'm fine.
2646
01:58:08,957 --> 01:58:12,292
I'm not worried about that.
I just want you to be okay.
2647
01:58:12,377 --> 01:58:13,502
I would be scared
if I was you right now.
2648
01:58:13,586 --> 01:58:14,628
Are you kidding me?
2649
01:58:14,713 --> 01:58:15,838
This is what
needed to happen.
2650
01:58:15,922 --> 01:58:17,381
I would run away.
2651
01:58:17,465 --> 01:58:18,465
No, I'm staying here.
2652
01:58:18,550 --> 01:58:19,508
Are you gonna run away?
2653
01:58:19,592 --> 01:58:22,302
Where am I running to?
Only if you come with me.
2654
01:58:22,387 --> 01:58:24,930
I really need
you around right now.
2655
01:58:25,015 --> 01:58:26,015
Yeah. Yeah.
2656
01:58:26,099 --> 01:58:27,182
Can you stay till Monday?
2657
01:58:27,267 --> 01:58:28,600
Absolutely.
2658
01:58:28,685 --> 01:58:31,103
Can't we just go and, like,
come back later, you know?
2659
01:58:31,187 --> 01:58:33,188
I mean, if this is
meant to be, it'll be.
2660
01:58:33,273 --> 01:58:34,898
We don't have to be
here right this second.
2661
01:58:34,983 --> 01:58:35,983
Can't we just go?
2662
01:58:36,067 --> 01:58:37,651
Man, I don't... I see...
2663
01:58:37,736 --> 01:58:41,071
Jesus Christ, every instinct
in my body is telling me
to leave here, too.
2664
01:58:41,406 --> 01:58:42,364
Good.
2665
01:58:42,449 --> 01:58:43,866
But that's what led me
to this shitty life.
2666
01:58:43,950 --> 01:58:48,328
I gotta stay here.
I gotta do the right thing.
I love her.
2667
01:58:48,413 --> 01:58:52,958
Right now, her husband
is gonna come back
and murder us, man!
2668
01:58:53,043 --> 01:58:54,960
Did you see his arms?
They look like legs!
2669
01:58:55,045 --> 01:58:56,545
Shut up.
Don't be an idiot.
2670
01:58:56,629 --> 01:59:01,216
I'm not being an...
Imagine that you are
a gigantic Australian man
2671
01:59:01,301 --> 01:59:04,094
and someone
came into your home
and fucked your wife.
2672
01:59:04,179 --> 01:59:07,181
You would murder him
and then you would make
a hat out of his skin
2673
01:59:07,307 --> 01:59:09,183
'cause that's what
Australians do. Let's go!
2674
01:59:09,392 --> 01:59:12,186
Ira, this is deep shit.
People get divorced.
2675
01:59:12,270 --> 01:59:15,814
They make mistakes,
they change their lives.
2676
01:59:17,025 --> 01:59:20,527
It's not that big of a deal.
She's married to an asshole.
2677
01:59:20,612 --> 01:59:22,571
She seems like
a crazy actress, man.
2678
01:59:22,655 --> 01:59:24,073
I don't know what
to tell you, man.
2679
01:59:24,157 --> 01:59:25,824
Am I not allowed
to be happy or something?
2680
01:59:25,909 --> 01:59:29,203
I've been living alone
and alone and alone.
That's my life.
2681
01:59:29,287 --> 01:59:30,746
This is the only girl
I've ever loved
2682
01:59:30,830 --> 01:59:32,456
and I'm not supposed
to do anything about this?
2683
01:59:33,291 --> 01:59:34,625
When am I supposed
to be happy?
2684
01:59:34,709 --> 01:59:37,503
Why does everyone
else get to be happy?
2685
01:59:37,587 --> 01:59:40,506
Look, George,
I'm just gonna tell
you this, as a friend.
2686
01:59:41,257 --> 01:59:43,967
From where I'm sitting
it seems like your happiness
2687
01:59:44,052 --> 01:59:46,970
might be coming at the cost
of destroying this family.
2688
01:59:47,889 --> 01:59:50,390
Okay, let me respond
to that, as your friend,
2689
01:59:50,475 --> 01:59:52,851
and let you know
you're not my friend.
2690
01:59:52,936 --> 01:59:54,895
You fucking work for me!
2691
01:59:54,979 --> 01:59:59,441
I didn't ask for your advice!
You're overstepping
your boundaries, man!
2692
01:59:59,526 --> 02:00:01,735
Now go get me
a fucking Diet Coke!
2693
02:00:01,820 --> 02:00:04,404
And remind yourself
that's what you do for me!
2694
02:00:04,489 --> 02:00:05,781
Now get the fuck
out of here!
2695
02:00:05,865 --> 02:00:06,865
Fine.
2696
02:00:07,826 --> 02:00:10,744
Don't fucking leave!
Sit down here!
I don't want to be alone.
2697
02:00:10,829 --> 02:00:12,621
Okay, fine.
2698
02:00:15,166 --> 02:00:16,166
This is Mark.
2699
02:00:16,251 --> 02:00:17,835
Hey, Mark, it's Ira.
How's it going, man?
2700
02:00:18,253 --> 02:00:21,171
Not too good.
I didn't get the part
in the Tobey Maguire movie.
2701
02:00:21,256 --> 02:00:23,590
That doesn't matter.
I have a problem.
I need help, okay?
2702
02:00:23,675 --> 02:00:24,800
Where have you been?
2703
02:00:24,884 --> 02:00:27,636
I'm in Marin County.
Northern California.
2704
02:00:27,720 --> 02:00:30,472
(SIGHS) Listen, I...
I have to tell you something.
2705
02:00:30,682 --> 02:00:32,391
Are you sitting down?
2706
02:00:32,475 --> 02:00:33,475
Yeah.
Okay.
2707
02:00:34,477 --> 02:00:35,853
The other night
I went out to drinks
2708
02:00:35,937 --> 02:00:36,937
with the producers
of my show
2709
02:00:37,021 --> 02:00:38,772
and Leo met up with us.
2710
02:00:38,857 --> 02:00:41,108
And they were enamored
by him and they thought
he was really funny.
2711
02:00:41,192 --> 02:00:44,027
And they offered him
a part on Yo Teach!
And he took it.
2712
02:00:44,112 --> 02:00:46,572
I saw the episode.
I know that that happened.
2713
02:00:46,656 --> 02:00:47,823
You watched it?
I watched it.
2714
02:00:47,907 --> 02:00:48,907
Did you love it?
2715
02:00:49,617 --> 02:00:51,493
Yeah.
He was great, right?
2716
02:00:51,578 --> 02:00:53,495
It was fine!
I have no problem
with Leo, okay?
2717
02:00:53,580 --> 02:00:54,705
Tell Leo, if he's
got a problem,
2718
02:00:54,789 --> 02:00:57,124
to stop being a baby
and to just get over it!
2719
02:00:57,208 --> 02:00:58,250
Why don't you
tell Leo yourself?
2720
02:00:58,334 --> 02:01:00,377
'Cause Leo's been surveilling
this whole conversation.
2721
02:01:00,670 --> 02:01:01,712
You dick.
LEO: Fucking asshole.
2722
02:01:01,838 --> 02:01:03,630
MARK: Leo,
get off the phone!
Screw you, Leo. Screw you.
2723
02:01:03,715 --> 02:01:05,132
Hey, man what have
you been up to?
2724
02:01:05,216 --> 02:01:06,508
Sucking George
Simmons' balls?
2725
02:01:06,593 --> 02:01:08,886
That's cool.
I've been on Yo Teach!
Living it up.
2726
02:01:08,970 --> 02:01:10,470
I'm sorry, Leo.
Yo Teach! Sucks.
2727
02:01:10,555 --> 02:01:11,680
LEO: Go lose some
more weight, Ira!
2728
02:01:11,764 --> 02:01:12,848
You look fucking
weird skinny!
2729
02:01:13,391 --> 02:01:14,725
MARK: Leo, calm down!
2730
02:01:14,809 --> 02:01:17,102
You know what, Ira?
I want to put my eyeglasses
on your asshole
2731
02:01:17,187 --> 02:01:20,022
so it looks like you're
blowing me when I'm fucking
you in the ass, you jerk!
2732
02:01:20,106 --> 02:01:21,106
IRA: That doesn't
even make sense!
2733
02:01:21,191 --> 02:01:23,483
You're gonna put glasses
on my ass? What?
2734
02:01:23,568 --> 02:01:27,487
Ira, we will find
something for you
to do on the show, okay?
2735
02:01:27,572 --> 02:01:29,072
Teach can have
more than one friend.
2736
02:01:29,157 --> 02:01:30,407
Can we talk
about this later?
2737
02:01:30,491 --> 02:01:33,327
I am in a serious problem.
I just need some advice,
okay? Please?
2738
02:01:33,411 --> 02:01:36,914
Just listen to me for two
minutes and tell me what
I should do right now, okay?
2739
02:01:36,998 --> 02:01:38,123
Will you do that?
2740
02:01:38,208 --> 02:01:40,918
All right. If it's serious,
I'm sorry. I will listen.
2741
02:01:41,336 --> 02:01:42,336
(SIGHS)
2742
02:01:42,420 --> 02:01:44,338
Okay. Here's
what's happening.
2743
02:01:44,422 --> 02:01:46,256
I'm witnessing
a slow-moving train wreck,
2744
02:01:46,341 --> 02:01:48,383
but if I do something,
I will lose my job.
2745
02:01:48,468 --> 02:01:49,468
Are you serious?
2746
02:01:49,552 --> 02:01:50,969
So, what
I don't know, is...
2747
02:01:51,262 --> 02:01:53,388
(DISCONNECTS)
Screw you.
2748
02:01:53,598 --> 02:01:54,598
(SIGHS)
2749
02:01:54,891 --> 02:01:55,891
Higher!
Higher!
2750
02:01:55,975 --> 02:01:57,017
I can't. I...
I can't.
Yes, you can.
2751
02:01:57,101 --> 02:01:58,602
You, you have to go
down a little bit then
2752
02:01:58,645 --> 02:02:00,354
through the middle.
LAURA: Be careful.
Don't let him fall on you.
2753
02:02:00,438 --> 02:02:01,438
Where do I put my hand?
2754
02:02:02,232 --> 02:02:07,152
I spoke to Clarke.
He's gonna be at the airport
tonight heading back to China.
2755
02:02:07,278 --> 02:02:09,863
I'm gonna go tell him
that when he comes back
2756
02:02:10,073 --> 02:02:12,532
he should find
another place to live.
2757
02:02:12,617 --> 02:02:13,867
Wait, wait,
wait, wait. What...
2758
02:02:13,952 --> 02:02:16,745
You... Yeah?
Good. Good.
Yeah.
2759
02:02:17,121 --> 02:02:18,163
You're gonna tell him?
2760
02:02:18,248 --> 02:02:19,623
I just don't want
him coming back here.
2761
02:02:19,707 --> 02:02:20,999
You don't need him.
No.
2762
02:02:21,084 --> 02:02:23,168
That'll just
get you sick.
2763
02:02:23,253 --> 02:02:26,129
Good, you gotta tell him.
So, when are you doing that?
2764
02:02:26,214 --> 02:02:27,214
Tonight?
Yeah.
2765
02:02:27,298 --> 02:02:28,298
Okay, okay,
I'm coming down.
2766
02:02:28,383 --> 02:02:29,383
Jump!
2767
02:02:30,301 --> 02:02:31,343
I talked
to a girlfriend
of mine,
2768
02:02:31,427 --> 02:02:33,512
and she has somebody
who could show us
2769
02:02:33,638 --> 02:02:35,806
some houses down
in Los Angeles.
2770
02:02:36,140 --> 02:02:37,349
And we'll get that
whole thing going.
2771
02:02:37,433 --> 02:02:41,895
And then I was thinking
about taking the kids
out of school now,
2772
02:02:41,980 --> 02:02:45,065
but we should probably
let them finish up
because it's December.
2773
02:02:45,149 --> 02:02:46,733
And I don't want
to mess everything up.
2774
02:02:46,818 --> 02:02:48,610
They have to finish
the whole year here.
2775
02:02:48,695 --> 02:02:50,112
Yeah, that makes
sense to me.
So, if we just go down
2776
02:02:50,196 --> 02:02:51,530
at the beginning
of the summer,
2777
02:02:51,614 --> 02:02:52,948
let them kind of transit.
I'm supposed to do
2778
02:02:53,032 --> 02:02:54,574
a little two-week
tour this summer.
2779
02:02:54,659 --> 02:02:56,994
I'm supposed to do it,
but I don't need to do it.
2780
02:02:57,161 --> 02:03:00,580
No pressure on you.
Look at you!
There's no pressure on you.
2781
02:03:00,665 --> 02:03:04,835
I need to work and I want
to get my acting career
going again.
2782
02:03:04,919 --> 02:03:06,670
Good.
Yeah.
2783
02:03:06,754 --> 02:03:09,339
She's whupping you, Ingrid!
Good job there, Lulu.
2784
02:03:10,591 --> 02:03:12,301
So, she's gonna go
to the airport tonight
2785
02:03:12,385 --> 02:03:15,345
and tell Clarke
that she wants him to
find a new place and...
2786
02:03:16,556 --> 02:03:18,598
What do you
think of that?
2787
02:03:18,683 --> 02:03:20,851
(SIGHS) I don't want to tell
you what I think about that
2788
02:03:20,935 --> 02:03:22,477
'cause I don't want
to get yelled at, George.
2789
02:03:22,562 --> 02:03:24,104
(SIGHS) Oh, God.
2790
02:03:24,188 --> 02:03:26,857
I'm just nervous about
the kids and, like,
who's gonna get them
2791
02:03:26,941 --> 02:03:29,109
and does he get one
and Laura gets one,
2792
02:03:29,193 --> 02:03:30,819
or am I gonna
have both of them?
2793
02:03:30,903 --> 02:03:32,946
'Cause I love
the little one,
we kind of click.
2794
02:03:33,031 --> 02:03:36,825
But the older one is,
like, you sense the
period's coming soon.
2795
02:03:36,909 --> 02:03:38,618
I think she would
probably get the kids.
2796
02:03:38,703 --> 02:03:39,703
All right, yeah.
2797
02:03:39,787 --> 02:03:41,913
I don't think you can
have two girls in China.
2798
02:03:42,040 --> 02:03:43,498
What are you
gonna do now?
Look at this crew.
2799
02:03:43,583 --> 02:03:44,875
Why so close?
Really?
2800
02:03:44,959 --> 02:03:45,959
(EXCLAIMS)
2801
02:03:46,044 --> 02:03:47,711
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
2802
02:03:47,795 --> 02:03:49,463
You okay, little girl?
You okay?
2803
02:03:49,547 --> 02:03:50,964
Oh, man.
Are you okay?
2804
02:03:51,049 --> 02:03:52,674
Okay. I'm gonna show
you Mable singing...
2805
02:03:52,759 --> 02:03:53,800
Mom, you make
everybody see...
2806
02:03:53,885 --> 02:03:56,053
No, Memory from Cats.
Come on! It's...
2807
02:03:56,220 --> 02:03:57,846
No. I hate that you
show it to everyone.
2808
02:03:57,930 --> 02:03:59,473
I'll just show
them the end part.
2809
02:03:59,557 --> 02:04:01,308
(ALL LAUGHING)
2810
02:04:01,392 --> 02:04:03,810
I'll just show you
the ending. Okay.
2811
02:04:03,895 --> 02:04:05,937
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
2812
02:04:18,076 --> 02:04:24,122
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends
of smoky days
2813
02:04:24,957 --> 02:04:30,879
The stale cold smell
of morning
2814
02:04:32,256 --> 02:04:39,012
The streetlamp dies,
another night is over
2815
02:04:39,472 --> 02:04:44,684
Another day is dawning
2816
02:04:47,105 --> 02:04:49,689
Touch me
2817
02:04:49,816 --> 02:04:56,279
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
2818
02:04:56,948 --> 02:05:00,033
Of my days in the sun
2819
02:05:01,369 --> 02:05:05,497
If you touch me
You'll understand
what happiness is
2820
02:05:05,581 --> 02:05:06,957
(MOUTHING)
2821
02:05:09,043 --> 02:05:15,048
Look, a new day has begun
2822
02:05:17,802 --> 02:05:19,553
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
2823
02:05:19,637 --> 02:05:21,221
(BOTH LAUGHING)
2824
02:05:22,890 --> 02:05:23,890
That was unbelievable!
2825
02:05:23,975 --> 02:05:25,642
Isn't that good?
2826
02:05:27,270 --> 02:05:29,229
That was insane!
2827
02:05:29,313 --> 02:05:33,191
That was like just
seeing a little person
sing an old person's song.
2828
02:05:33,276 --> 02:05:35,152
That was hysterical!
2829
02:05:35,236 --> 02:05:39,072
I got a friend who takes...
He takes a lot of acid.
2830
02:05:39,157 --> 02:05:41,783
If he saw that,
he would shit himself!
2831
02:05:43,327 --> 02:05:44,578
That's not supposed
to be funny.
2832
02:05:44,662 --> 02:05:45,662
I know, I know,
I know. I'm...
2833
02:05:45,746 --> 02:05:47,914
No, I think that's
why it's funnier.
2834
02:05:47,999 --> 02:05:48,999
It was so amazing.
2835
02:05:49,083 --> 02:05:50,083
Wasn't that good?
2836
02:05:50,168 --> 02:05:51,835
I think I started
crying a little bit.
2837
02:05:51,919 --> 02:05:54,921
Me, too. I cry
every time I see that.
2838
02:05:57,008 --> 02:05:59,676
That shit was
funny up there.
2839
02:05:59,760 --> 02:06:03,638
Okay. Wow, these guys
are not gonna take
no for an answer.
2840
02:06:04,432 --> 02:06:06,558
Yeah. They want me to do
another baby movie.
2841
02:06:06,642 --> 02:06:09,311
They keep bumping up
the gross on the DVDs.
2842
02:06:09,395 --> 02:06:12,105
I just...
There's no way
I'm doing it.
2843
02:06:18,696 --> 02:06:20,030
Okay. Bye.
2844
02:06:23,034 --> 02:06:24,618
(BOTH WHOOPING)
2845
02:06:25,203 --> 02:06:27,287
Hey, George.
2846
02:06:27,371 --> 02:06:28,705
(EXHALES) Yeah.
2847
02:06:28,789 --> 02:06:30,540
I'm going to...
I'm gonna go to the store
2848
02:06:30,625 --> 02:06:31,833
and grab some
cigarettes, okay?
2849
02:06:31,918 --> 02:06:33,043
I'll be back soon.
2850
02:06:33,127 --> 02:06:35,420
What? What do you
need cigarettes for?
2851
02:06:35,505 --> 02:06:37,005
'Cause I'm addicted
to them.
2852
02:06:37,089 --> 02:06:39,090
Why? 'Cause you look like
the Fonz when you smoke?
2853
02:06:39,175 --> 02:06:41,885
I've always smoked. I just
didn't do it in front of you
'cause you were sick.
2854
02:06:41,969 --> 02:06:43,512
And now that
you're better...
2855
02:06:43,596 --> 02:06:46,223
Hurry up, though, man.
I'm running out of gas
with the kids here.
2856
02:06:46,307 --> 02:06:47,557
Okay. I'll hurry up.
2857
02:06:48,351 --> 02:06:54,064
(SINGING) Memory
all alone in the moonlight
2858
02:06:55,983 --> 02:06:59,236
I can't wait
till the morning
2859
02:07:01,030 --> 02:07:02,781
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
2860
02:07:10,039 --> 02:07:12,415
Are my parents
getting a divorce?
2861
02:07:15,419 --> 02:07:17,921
Why... Why...
Why do you ask that?
2862
02:07:18,506 --> 02:07:22,217
Just, like, I can tell.
They're always
fighting and...
2863
02:07:22,677 --> 02:07:24,344
How does that
make you feel?
2864
02:07:24,428 --> 02:07:26,555
Well, he's already
away a lot,
2865
02:07:26,639 --> 02:07:30,892
so it doesn't really
matter that much, but...
2866
02:07:31,269 --> 02:07:32,852
Uh-huh.
2867
02:07:32,937 --> 02:07:34,896
That wouldn't be fun.
2868
02:07:34,981 --> 02:07:37,732
Maybe it would be better
if they were separated.
2869
02:07:37,817 --> 02:07:38,858
Mmm-mmm.
2870
02:07:38,943 --> 02:07:40,235
No?
2871
02:07:40,319 --> 02:07:41,778
That's not good.
2872
02:07:41,862 --> 02:07:42,862
Right.
2873
02:08:04,677 --> 02:08:05,885
Clarke?
2874
02:08:07,722 --> 02:08:11,850
Laura, what are
you doing here?
2875
02:08:11,934 --> 02:08:13,810
I don't know.
2876
02:08:14,270 --> 02:08:18,064
WOMAN ON PA: Mr. Way Chen,
you need to get to the
information desk. Thank you.
2877
02:08:18,149 --> 02:08:20,317
(SPEAKING MANDARIN)
2878
02:08:21,027 --> 02:08:22,027
You've reached Ira.
2879
02:08:22,111 --> 02:08:23,236
Please leave me a message.
Thank you.
2880
02:08:23,321 --> 02:08:24,321
(BEEPS)
2881
02:08:24,405 --> 02:08:26,156
Where are you?
You gotta come back here.
2882
02:08:26,240 --> 02:08:29,200
I think I'm getting...
I'm getting lonely here.
2883
02:08:29,285 --> 02:08:32,287
I need some help.
Just, seriously, hurry up.
2884
02:08:33,205 --> 02:08:37,000
I don't trust you.
Am I imagining things?
2885
02:08:38,502 --> 02:08:40,712
You're not imagining
anything, honey.
2886
02:08:40,838 --> 02:08:41,880
(SIGHS)
2887
02:08:41,964 --> 02:08:44,966
Two times.
That's all I did
was two times.
2888
02:08:45,051 --> 02:08:47,552
And I don't want to ruin
everything just 'cause
of two fucking times.
2889
02:08:47,637 --> 02:08:49,304
She couldn't
even speak English.
2890
02:08:53,351 --> 02:08:55,393
Look at our life.
You're driving
the kids to school.
2891
02:08:55,478 --> 02:08:57,437
You're picking them up.
You're like a single mother.
2892
02:08:57,521 --> 02:09:00,315
And you're not a single mom.
You're my wife.
You're my baby.
2893
02:09:00,399 --> 02:09:03,109
I shouldn't be in China
2894
02:09:03,194 --> 02:09:06,446
trying to sell Oreos
to people who don't want
to fucking talk to me.
2895
02:09:06,530 --> 02:09:09,574
I'm gonna get a normal job.
I'm gonna be just
around the corner.
2896
02:09:09,659 --> 02:09:12,369
It's just gonna be
you, me and the kids.
2897
02:09:12,703 --> 02:09:15,372
All I want
is a fresh start.
2898
02:09:15,456 --> 02:09:16,456
Yeah.
2899
02:09:24,173 --> 02:09:25,590
(GRUNTING) Oh.
2900
02:09:25,675 --> 02:09:26,675
Yeah.
2901
02:09:30,721 --> 02:09:33,306
The George Simmons thing
was just a flirtation.
2902
02:09:33,391 --> 02:09:37,394
It was nothing.
He really was sick.
He just got better.
2903
02:09:38,396 --> 02:09:40,271
I'm so fucking glad.
Yeah.
2904
02:09:40,356 --> 02:09:43,608
I really like him. I do.
I don't want to hate him.
2905
02:09:44,568 --> 02:09:46,403
I fucking love you.
2906
02:09:54,662 --> 02:09:55,745
Ira!
2907
02:09:58,165 --> 02:09:59,874
Hey!
2908
02:09:59,959 --> 02:10:00,959
What are you
doing here?
2909
02:10:01,043 --> 02:10:02,293
(CHUCKLING)
2910
02:10:02,378 --> 02:10:04,671
I'm going back
to Los Angeles.
2911
02:10:05,423 --> 02:10:06,423
LA?
2912
02:10:06,507 --> 02:10:07,757
Yeah.
2913
02:10:07,842 --> 02:10:09,926
You're in the Great China Air
First Class Lounge, mate.
2914
02:10:10,010 --> 02:10:11,010
What are you doing?
2915
02:10:11,095 --> 02:10:14,431
Oh. Shit, this is
a confusing airport.
2916
02:10:14,515 --> 02:10:17,267
I thought this
was Panda Express.
2917
02:10:17,351 --> 02:10:20,061
Well, it's good
to see you guys, though.
2918
02:10:20,146 --> 02:10:23,273
What's going on?
Laura?
2919
02:10:23,357 --> 02:10:26,526
What the hell
is going on?
2920
02:10:26,610 --> 02:10:28,111
Uh... Ask her.
2921
02:10:28,821 --> 02:10:31,072
I was so mad at you
for the way that
you've been treating me
2922
02:10:31,157 --> 02:10:34,242
that I was on my way
here to tell you tonight
2923
02:10:34,326 --> 02:10:36,327
to find another place
to live when you got back.
2924
02:10:36,412 --> 02:10:37,662
But then...
I came here to stop her.
2925
02:10:37,747 --> 02:10:38,788
CLARKE: Shut the fuck up.
2926
02:10:38,873 --> 02:10:41,875
I slept with George
once, but it's over.
2927
02:10:41,959 --> 02:10:44,586
It's done.
And it was no big deal.
2928
02:10:44,670 --> 02:10:45,712
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
2929
02:10:45,796 --> 02:10:49,382
We didn't even have sex.
He just went down on me.
2930
02:10:49,467 --> 02:10:50,925
(SIGHS) That's worse.
2931
02:10:51,010 --> 02:10:52,051
CLARKE: Crikey.
2932
02:10:52,136 --> 02:10:54,637
He manipulated me
with his disease!
2933
02:10:56,390 --> 02:10:59,017
Where is he?
George, where is he?
2934
02:10:59,101 --> 02:11:00,560
He's at your house.
2935
02:11:00,644 --> 02:11:03,313
He's at our house?
With our kids?
2936
02:11:03,981 --> 02:11:05,607
LAURA: Please don't get
that look on your face.
2937
02:11:05,691 --> 02:11:07,066
Please don't get
that look on your face.
2938
02:11:07,151 --> 02:11:08,193
It was a mistake.
I'm gonna kill him.
2939
02:11:08,277 --> 02:11:10,403
No, no, no, no, no.
2940
02:11:10,488 --> 02:11:11,946
I'm sorry.
2941
02:11:12,031 --> 02:11:13,072
You're sorry?
2942
02:11:13,157 --> 02:11:14,365
I came here to stop...
Who are you?
2943
02:11:14,492 --> 02:11:15,617
I don't know.
Who are you?
2944
02:11:15,701 --> 02:11:17,368
What are you doing here?
2945
02:11:17,453 --> 02:11:18,828
I was trying to help you.
2946
02:11:18,913 --> 02:11:20,413
Get the fuck
out of my life!
2947
02:11:20,498 --> 02:11:22,165
Okay.
2948
02:11:22,249 --> 02:11:26,961
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
2949
02:11:27,046 --> 02:11:33,051
Where is it? Where is it?
Oh, God, where is it?
2950
02:11:33,260 --> 02:11:37,180
So stupid! Stupid shit!
2951
02:11:40,768 --> 02:11:44,145
I wanted to tell you
I miss you.
I miss your kisses.
2952
02:11:44,230 --> 02:11:47,941
I miss your short skirts.
And I miss your smell.
2953
02:11:51,111 --> 02:11:52,654
Get the BabyBjörn.
2954
02:11:52,696 --> 02:11:55,240
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
We're gonna go find
that wizard.
2955
02:11:55,324 --> 02:11:58,117
Hey, girls.
You look so cute.
2956
02:11:59,161 --> 02:12:00,787
You, outside.
2957
02:12:00,871 --> 02:12:01,830
Is he in trouble?
2958
02:12:01,914 --> 02:12:03,081
Yes.
2959
02:12:09,797 --> 02:12:11,381
What's gonna happen?
I don't know.
2960
02:12:11,465 --> 02:12:12,799
What do you think I did?
2961
02:12:12,883 --> 02:12:13,925
Oh, shit!
2962
02:12:14,009 --> 02:12:15,844
Your friend sold
you out, mate!
2963
02:12:15,928 --> 02:12:16,970
LAURA: No, no, no, Clarke!
2964
02:12:17,054 --> 02:12:18,763
CLARKE: You think
this is a game?
Stop it!
2965
02:12:18,848 --> 02:12:19,806
What'd you think
you were gonna do?
2966
02:12:19,890 --> 02:12:21,724
Come in and just
fuck up my family?
2967
02:12:21,851 --> 02:12:23,601
IRA: Stop it!
CLARKE: Is that
what you thought?
2968
02:12:23,686 --> 02:12:24,727
Stop it. Stop.
No, no, no, no!
2969
02:12:24,770 --> 02:12:26,646
GEORGE: I didn't
fucking do anything!
This sort of shit I kill for!
2970
02:12:26,730 --> 02:12:28,022
Don't kill him!
Don't kill him!
2971
02:12:28,107 --> 02:12:29,649
You stupid shit!
2972
02:12:29,733 --> 02:12:30,692
No!
2973
02:12:30,776 --> 02:12:31,818
Fuck, man!
2974
02:12:31,902 --> 02:12:33,528
Come here!
Run, George!
2975
02:12:33,612 --> 02:12:35,780
Don't hurt him,
you maniac!
2976
02:12:36,907 --> 02:12:38,199
Cut the shit,
guys!
2977
02:12:38,284 --> 02:12:39,284
Stop it!
2978
02:12:40,619 --> 02:12:43,788
IRA: Run, George!
You're cornering yourself!
Go that way!
2979
02:12:43,914 --> 02:12:45,248
Get away from me!
Take it like
a man, George!
2980
02:12:45,332 --> 02:12:47,208
Get away from me,
you fucking crazy asshole!
2981
02:12:47,293 --> 02:12:51,254
You fucking asshole!
Get away!
2982
02:12:51,338 --> 02:12:52,839
Oh, my God.
2983
02:12:52,923 --> 02:12:54,966
She's not happy with you!
2984
02:12:55,050 --> 02:12:57,844
No one who's married
is happy, you idiot!
2985
02:12:58,637 --> 02:13:01,014
Get in a ball, George!
Get in a ball!
2986
02:13:01,098 --> 02:13:02,724
Fight like a man!
Get on your feet,
would you?
2987
02:13:02,808 --> 02:13:05,810
I don't know how to fight!
I'm a comedian,
you fucking asshole!
2988
02:13:05,895 --> 02:13:06,853
Should I jump in?
2989
02:13:06,937 --> 02:13:08,688
No! No! Don’t jump in!
2990
02:13:08,772 --> 02:13:10,732
Just get away
from me, man!
You traitor!
2991
02:13:10,816 --> 02:13:12,901
Go get more cigarettes,
you liar!
2992
02:13:12,985 --> 02:13:14,235
IRA: I accomplished nothing!
2993
02:13:14,320 --> 02:13:16,237
They made up
before I got there!
2994
02:13:16,322 --> 02:13:17,363
(BOTH GRUNTING)
2995
02:13:17,448 --> 02:13:19,449
Where's your
helmet now, Yankee?
2996
02:13:19,533 --> 02:13:22,035
Let's talk! Clarke!
2997
02:13:22,119 --> 02:13:23,703
LAURA: Clarke, no!
2998
02:13:23,787 --> 02:13:25,663
Come on, pussy!
2999
02:13:25,748 --> 02:13:26,748
Help!
3000
02:13:27,791 --> 02:13:29,000
All right!
3001
02:13:29,084 --> 02:13:30,084
Stop!
3002
02:13:30,169 --> 02:13:31,920
IRA: I got him! I got him!
You don't want this, Schmira.
3003
02:13:32,004 --> 02:13:33,755
You don't want
a piece of me, Schmira!
3004
02:13:33,839 --> 02:13:35,548
I am gonna love this!
3005
02:13:35,966 --> 02:13:37,008
(GROANS)
3006
02:13:37,092 --> 02:13:38,468
God!
3007
02:13:38,552 --> 02:13:41,220
You son of a bitch!
I knew you didn't
want me to be happy!
3008
02:13:41,305 --> 02:13:44,390
What are you doing, man?
Look at this!
You fucking suck!
3009
02:13:44,475 --> 02:13:45,934
You've gone crazy!
You're a lightweight...
3010
02:13:46,018 --> 02:13:47,185
Get away from me, man!
3011
02:13:47,269 --> 02:13:49,729
...named Ira Wiener!
Ira Wiener!
3012
02:13:49,813 --> 02:13:51,731
You should have died!
Well, I ain't going nowhere!
3013
02:13:51,857 --> 02:13:53,483
I'm never gonna die!
I hope you die!
3014
02:13:53,525 --> 02:13:55,276
I'm never gonna
die, baby!
Die!
3015
02:13:55,361 --> 02:13:56,569
Boys, stop it!
IRA: I hope you die!
I hate you!
3016
02:13:56,654 --> 02:13:58,112
I know what
you're trying to do,
the pair of you!
3017
02:13:58,197 --> 02:14:00,198
You're trying to distract me
so I won't hit him!
3018
02:14:00,282 --> 02:14:01,574
Lackey! Lackey!
3019
02:14:01,659 --> 02:14:02,700
IRA: Wait!
3020
02:14:02,785 --> 02:14:04,744
Oh, shit,
Clarke! Dude!
3021
02:14:04,828 --> 02:14:06,079
Are you okay,
George?
3022
02:14:06,163 --> 02:14:07,997
Where's your
stunt man now, hey?
3023
02:14:08,082 --> 02:14:09,082
Stop it!
3024
02:14:09,166 --> 02:14:11,626
Will you stop hitting me?
3025
02:14:12,711 --> 02:14:15,338
I'm better now,
but it can come back!
3026
02:14:17,007 --> 02:14:19,467
Laura, tell him.
Tell him what you told me.
3027
02:14:19,969 --> 02:14:23,429
Tell him that you love me
more than you love him.
Tell him!
3028
02:14:23,639 --> 02:14:24,764
Yeah, when she
told you that,
3029
02:14:24,848 --> 02:14:27,016
did she think
you were dying, huh?
3030
02:14:27,726 --> 02:14:30,311
Tell him. Tell him.
Is it me or him?
3031
02:14:33,315 --> 02:14:34,649
Him.
3032
02:14:34,733 --> 02:14:39,153
What? Come on!
Are you serious?
3033
02:14:40,072 --> 02:14:43,199
He's my husband.
We have a family.
3034
02:14:44,034 --> 02:14:45,535
I love him.
3035
02:14:45,995 --> 02:14:49,288
And you didn't even cry
when Mable sang Cats.
3036
02:14:49,873 --> 02:14:51,457
What's the matter with you?
3037
02:14:52,126 --> 02:14:54,502
I didn't want to lie.
I don't know.
3038
02:14:54,586 --> 02:14:56,963
I've seen it
on Broadway before.
3039
02:14:58,257 --> 02:15:00,258
It wasn't as good as it.
3040
02:15:01,885 --> 02:15:04,137
What are you guys
doing on the lawn?
3041
02:15:04,221 --> 02:15:05,805
I'm hungry!
3042
02:15:06,515 --> 02:15:09,600
Nothing. We're just...
We're just mucking around.
3043
02:15:09,685 --> 02:15:11,728
Come on. Go back inside.
3044
02:15:18,068 --> 02:15:22,155
Sorry, George.
I'll always love you.
3045
02:15:23,157 --> 02:15:25,366
But what are we gonna do?
3046
02:15:25,451 --> 02:15:26,951
I love you.
3047
02:15:27,828 --> 02:15:30,204
I'm sorry I came up here.
I shouldn't have come.
3048
02:15:31,331 --> 02:15:32,999
No, I'm glad you did.
3049
02:15:34,209 --> 02:15:35,918
Maybe when we're 70?
3050
02:15:38,255 --> 02:15:40,423
I hope you find
a way to be happy.
3051
02:15:40,924 --> 02:15:43,885
Shit. He's coming back.
He's coming back. Let's go.
3052
02:15:44,553 --> 02:15:45,928
LAURA: Clarke.
3053
02:15:46,013 --> 02:15:49,807
You know what?
I've just worked out why
all this shit has happened.
3054
02:15:49,892 --> 02:15:52,101
In the East,
they call this karma.
3055
02:15:52,186 --> 02:15:56,355
And I have brought
all this shit upon us
with my misbehavior.
3056
02:15:56,440 --> 02:15:58,608
That's why
all this shit
has happened.
3057
02:15:59,193 --> 02:16:00,902
This had to happen.
3058
02:16:01,612 --> 02:16:03,946
But some good shit's
gonna come from this.
3059
02:16:04,364 --> 02:16:06,866
We have to learn from this,
you know, all of us.
3060
02:16:06,950 --> 02:16:08,910
There's a good lesson here.
3061
02:16:10,287 --> 02:16:12,914
Underneath anger is hurt,
3062
02:16:13,957 --> 02:16:17,293
but underneath
hurt is love.
3063
02:16:18,003 --> 02:16:19,462
You feel it?
3064
02:16:22,591 --> 02:16:23,841
Okay?
3065
02:16:23,926 --> 02:16:24,967
Yeah. Thank you.
3066
02:16:25,052 --> 02:16:26,052
I'm sorry about this.
3067
02:16:26,136 --> 02:16:29,138
Yeah, yeah.
Don't worry about it.
3068
02:16:45,114 --> 02:16:46,155
Do you want me to drive?
3069
02:16:46,240 --> 02:16:47,240
(SIGHS)
3070
02:16:47,324 --> 02:16:50,493
No, you don't have
to drive me.
I'll drive myself.
3071
02:16:51,495 --> 02:16:55,748
In fact, you're never gonna
have to drive me again
because you're fired, Ira.
3072
02:16:56,125 --> 02:16:58,376
You're the only person
that I've ever heard of
3073
02:16:58,460 --> 02:17:00,586
that learned nothing
from a near-death
experience, George.
3074
02:17:00,671 --> 02:17:02,255
You went backwards.
You're worse.
3075
02:17:02,339 --> 02:17:04,590
You know what I am?
A good friend.
3076
02:17:04,675 --> 02:17:07,885
I would never
run to the airport
and rat somebody out.
3077
02:17:08,220 --> 02:17:11,931
I don't have that in my DNA.
That's not a friend, man.
3078
02:17:12,015 --> 02:17:14,350
A friend tells you.
A friend comes up
to you and says,
3079
02:17:14,434 --> 02:17:16,602
"Hey, you're in
a heap of shit.
You better not do it."
3080
02:17:16,687 --> 02:17:19,689
He doesn't run
and tell the fucking girl.
3081
02:17:19,773 --> 02:17:20,815
Well...
Wow.
3082
02:17:20,899 --> 02:17:22,984
Good. Fire me.
I don't want to be
around you anymore,
3083
02:17:23,068 --> 02:17:25,236
'cause you are
fucking contagious!
3084
02:17:25,320 --> 02:17:27,572
You think I can't
get another assistant?
3085
02:17:27,656 --> 02:17:30,241
I can't get someone else
to write jokes for me?
3086
02:17:30,325 --> 02:17:34,203
You think I'm gonna
lay in my bed going,
"Aw, I miss my Schmira"?
3087
02:17:34,705 --> 02:17:37,707
You're a fucking no-thought.
That's the beauty.
3088
02:17:37,791 --> 02:17:40,501
Once you're gone
it never comes
back in my brain.
3089
02:17:40,586 --> 02:17:42,128
You think getting Laura
would have made you happy?
3090
02:17:42,212 --> 02:17:44,088
I know so.
You think if you had
a family right now,
3091
02:17:44,173 --> 02:17:45,464
you would be happy?
3092
02:17:45,549 --> 02:17:48,759
You'll never be happy,
'cause you're always
gonna be stuck with yourself!
3093
02:17:48,844 --> 02:17:51,929
Unless somehow you can
get away from you,
3094
02:17:52,014 --> 02:17:54,473
you're always gonna
be miserable, George.
3095
02:17:54,558 --> 02:17:56,601
You are not funny.
3096
02:17:56,685 --> 02:17:58,811
Well, if that means
I'm less like you,
3097
02:17:58,896 --> 02:18:01,230
then good, I don't
want to be funny, okay?
3098
02:18:01,732 --> 02:18:03,733
Mission accomplished, Ira.
3099
02:18:05,235 --> 02:18:06,819
Bad career choice.
3100
02:18:07,446 --> 02:18:10,573
Comedy usually
is for funny people.
3101
02:18:10,657 --> 02:18:11,908
Gotcha.
3102
02:18:16,580 --> 02:18:17,788
(SIGHS)
3103
02:18:29,092 --> 02:18:30,426
(TIRES SCREECHING)
3104
02:18:30,510 --> 02:18:31,761
(GROANS)
3105
02:19:11,385 --> 02:19:13,886
Chances are you've got
a lot of stuff stuffed
in your drawers and closets
3106
02:19:13,971 --> 02:19:15,012
that you don't really need.
3107
02:19:15,097 --> 02:19:17,807
Mary Bolster
is editor-in-chief
of Natural Health magazine.
3108
02:19:18,058 --> 02:19:20,977
She's here to help
you get trashing,
bagging and get organized.
3109
02:19:21,061 --> 02:19:22,687
Hello, Mary.
MARY: Hi, Hoda.
3110
02:19:22,771 --> 02:19:25,940
HODA: Okay, we do save things
for the wackiest reasons.
3111
02:19:29,486 --> 02:19:31,153
(WHISPERING)
Good morning. Hi.
3112
02:19:33,156 --> 02:19:35,449
I think I'm gonna
forgive him today.
3113
02:19:35,534 --> 02:19:36,909
What? Really?
Yeah.
3114
02:19:36,994 --> 02:19:39,161
Great!
That's great news!
3115
02:19:39,246 --> 02:19:41,831
He's just gonna be so
jealous that I'm
on Yo Teach! You know?
3116
02:19:41,915 --> 02:19:43,833
I just figured it'd
be a cool thing to do.
3117
02:19:43,917 --> 02:19:46,877
Well, maybe we could
find something for him.
3118
02:19:47,337 --> 02:19:51,424
You know, if it comes up
organically, definitely,
but we shouldn't force it.
3119
02:19:51,508 --> 02:19:52,758
You know?
Right.
3120
02:19:52,843 --> 02:19:54,844
I don't want to be
on Yo Teach!
3121
02:19:56,013 --> 02:19:57,638
It's okay.
I forgave you, you know?
3122
02:19:57,723 --> 02:19:58,848
Thank you.
3123
02:20:00,017 --> 02:20:03,853
So, how'd everything go
up there this weekend?
3124
02:20:04,521 --> 02:20:09,567
I think I did the right thing,
but George fired me
and punched me in the face.
3125
02:20:11,528 --> 02:20:13,112
You want to talk about it?
3126
02:20:13,196 --> 02:20:14,196
No.
3127
02:20:15,699 --> 02:20:19,076
I kind of wish you would.
It sounds like
the greatest story, ever.
3128
02:20:20,787 --> 02:20:23,164
Wake me up at 2:00.
I'll tell you about it.
3129
02:20:24,207 --> 02:20:26,792
Well, we're glad
you're back.
3130
02:20:26,877 --> 02:20:28,210
Glad you're home.
3131
02:20:28,295 --> 02:20:30,880
I can't believe I have
to start all over again.
3132
02:20:32,007 --> 02:20:34,633
Hey, man,
how you doing?
3133
02:20:34,926 --> 02:20:36,177
Hey, how you doing?
Heard you were sick.
3134
02:20:36,261 --> 02:20:38,095
You feeling better now?
Over here!
3135
02:20:38,180 --> 02:20:40,639
MAN: George,
second lease on life.
What are you gonna do now?
3136
02:20:40,766 --> 02:20:41,849
Hey, guys,
come on.
Come on, I heard rumors
3137
02:20:41,933 --> 02:20:43,309
about another baby movie.
What do you got, huh?
3138
02:20:43,393 --> 02:20:45,436
Yeah, yeah,
we're gonna shoot that.
That should be good.
3139
02:20:45,520 --> 02:20:47,480
Gonna start that
in a little bit.
Let me get by you, though.
3140
02:20:59,826 --> 02:21:01,494
It's nice up here, huh?
3141
02:21:01,578 --> 02:21:03,704
Yeah.
How'd you find it?
3142
02:21:04,873 --> 02:21:07,666
Me and my friends,
we hike up here
and I always thought,
3143
02:21:07,751 --> 02:21:08,918
"You know, that'd be
a great place to take
3144
02:21:09,002 --> 02:21:11,545
"a woman if you...
If you knew one."
3145
02:21:12,714 --> 02:21:13,798
Well, now
you know one.
3146
02:21:13,882 --> 02:21:14,924
Good.
3147
02:21:26,269 --> 02:21:28,104
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
3148
02:21:30,482 --> 02:21:31,524
Hey, I'm gonna
give him the light.
3149
02:21:31,608 --> 02:21:32,608
Thanks, Mark.
3150
02:21:34,486 --> 02:21:36,195
Bailey,
you're number two.
3151
02:21:43,078 --> 02:21:44,912
Hey, Ira.
How you doing?
3152
02:21:44,996 --> 02:21:45,996
Good. How you doing?
3153
02:21:46,081 --> 02:21:47,164
RANDY: Wassup, big money?
3154
02:21:47,249 --> 02:21:48,374
You guys know
each other?
3155
02:21:48,458 --> 02:21:50,960
Yes. I've seen this
young Jewish comedian.
3156
02:21:51,461 --> 02:21:53,170
Randy, what's happening?
3157
02:21:53,255 --> 02:21:56,465
I saw this cat down
at Otto's yesterday.
Made me a little panini.
3158
02:21:57,342 --> 02:21:59,927
Grilled chicken pesto.
Shit was nice.
3159
02:22:00,303 --> 02:22:02,513
Yeah, I'm working
at Otto's again.
3160
02:22:03,473 --> 02:22:04,890
GEORGE: So,
you're going up?
3161
02:22:05,183 --> 02:22:07,810
Yeah, I'm about
to go up now.
See you guys.
3162
02:22:09,521 --> 02:22:10,688
Later!
3163
02:22:12,482 --> 02:22:14,733
Thank you. Thank you.
3164
02:22:14,818 --> 02:22:18,320
My friends are very
sexually aggressive,
which is hard for me.
3165
02:22:18,405 --> 02:22:20,239
You know,
we'll watch television
and they'll just see...
3166
02:22:20,323 --> 02:22:22,241
A hot girl will come on
and they'll just be,
3167
02:22:22,325 --> 02:22:25,786
"Man, I wanna fuck the shit
out of that girl, man!
3168
02:22:25,871 --> 02:22:27,580
"I'm gonna
fuck that girl!"
3169
02:22:27,664 --> 02:22:28,873
And I, like,
can't even say that.
3170
02:22:28,957 --> 02:22:30,458
I can't even pretend
I would do that.
3171
02:22:30,542 --> 02:22:31,917
I see a hot girl
on TV and I'm like,
3172
02:22:32,002 --> 02:22:35,379
"Man, I would friend
the shit out of her!
3173
02:22:36,548 --> 02:22:41,385
"I'd friend her all night!
I would be her girlfriend!
3174
02:22:41,845 --> 02:22:44,847
"I would drive her
to the airport, man!
3175
02:22:46,183 --> 02:22:50,144
"I would hold her purse
while she shopped,
all over her tits!"
3176
02:22:50,437 --> 02:22:52,271
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
3177
02:22:57,027 --> 02:22:58,360
Thank you.
3178
02:22:59,362 --> 02:23:02,865
Hi, I need a pound of turkey
and a half-pint
of macaroni salad, please.
3179
02:23:04,034 --> 02:23:04,992
(CLEARS THROAT)
3180
02:23:05,076 --> 02:23:07,203
Um...
Yeah, I'll just
be one sec, okay?
3181
02:23:07,287 --> 02:23:08,746
Okay, thanks.
3182
02:23:09,706 --> 02:23:11,540
(IMITATING OLD WOMAN)
The last time I came here,
3183
02:23:11,625 --> 02:23:15,252
the roast beef
you gave me had
the string still around it
3184
02:23:15,337 --> 02:23:20,049
and I was unaware of this
and fed it to my husband,
and he choked.
3185
02:23:23,595 --> 02:23:25,221
How's it going, George?
3186
02:23:26,556 --> 02:23:30,100
You get a break or anything
where you can talk?
3187
02:23:30,185 --> 02:23:33,812
Okay, yeah. Sure.
Chuck, I'll be one sec,
okay, man?
3188
02:23:35,649 --> 02:23:37,066
Shit.
3189
02:23:38,068 --> 02:23:39,068
(CLICKS)
3190
02:23:42,489 --> 02:23:43,739
(SIGHS)
3191
02:23:49,371 --> 02:23:51,914
So, you had to get
your job back here, huh?
3192
02:23:53,500 --> 02:23:57,586
Yeah. You know,
I figured I could use
a little job stability.
3193
02:23:58,088 --> 02:23:59,922
Oh, I'm sorry.
3194
02:24:00,131 --> 02:24:03,509
I get health insurance.
It's pretty good.
3195
02:24:04,135 --> 02:24:10,432
So, I thought a lot
about what you said
in the car to me.
3196
02:24:11,393 --> 02:24:15,104
A few of those things
might have been accurate.
3197
02:24:15,981 --> 02:24:19,858
You tried to help me
and I'm sorry I put you in
the middle of all that stuff.
3198
02:24:20,443 --> 02:24:23,237
I'm better
in my body.
3199
02:24:23,321 --> 02:24:27,116
My brain has a ways
to go, though.
3200
02:24:29,286 --> 02:24:31,912
How are you doing, though?
You're doing okay?
3201
02:24:35,750 --> 02:24:37,251
I don't know, Ira.
3202
02:24:41,756 --> 02:24:42,756
I...
3203
02:24:43,341 --> 02:24:46,760
I caught your whole set
the other night, Ira. Nice.
3204
02:24:47,387 --> 02:24:49,054
Yeah, yeah, no,
you're getting a rhythm.
3205
02:24:49,139 --> 02:24:53,267
You're starting
to be the Ira I like
in real life onstage.
3206
02:24:53,351 --> 02:24:56,061
Thanks. Yeah, I've been
getting up a lot lately,
so it's going well.
3207
02:24:56,146 --> 02:24:59,315
Yeah, you were funny,
and it was a fart-free set.
3208
02:24:59,649 --> 02:25:03,569
I wrote some stuff down
that night that...
Some jokes.
3209
02:25:03,653 --> 02:25:05,404
You want to hear it?
3210
02:25:05,488 --> 02:25:07,239
You what?
3211
02:25:07,324 --> 02:25:10,618
I couldn't stop
thinking of jokes for you
last night. It was bizarre.
3212
02:25:11,286 --> 02:25:14,330
I'm not saying they're
good jokes, but I try.
3213
02:25:16,291 --> 02:25:17,708
You actually
wrote them down!
3214
02:25:17,792 --> 02:25:20,419
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
My fucking
memory's horrible.
3215
02:25:21,087 --> 02:25:25,049
That thing you did
about the Wii Fit thing.
What's that?
3216
02:25:25,175 --> 02:25:27,092
Oh, like,
"My video game..."
Yeah.
3217
02:25:27,177 --> 02:25:28,927
"My video game
told me I'm fat?"
3218
02:25:29,054 --> 02:25:30,888
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
"The ultimate
betrayal." Yeah.
3219
02:25:30,972 --> 02:25:35,601
Right, right. You could maybe
say, "I mean, that's like
my pot telling me I'm lazy."
3220
02:25:35,727 --> 02:25:36,935
Oh, that's really funny.
3221
02:25:37,020 --> 02:25:38,979
"And the Wii is similar
to my grandmother.
3222
02:25:39,064 --> 02:25:40,898
"She used to tell me
I'm getting chubby
3223
02:25:40,982 --> 02:25:44,026
"and then bring me
chicken parmesan and say,
'Why are you so fat?"'
3224
02:25:44,110 --> 02:25:45,194
(LAUGHING)
3225
02:25:45,278 --> 02:25:46,445
That's really funny!
3226
02:25:46,529 --> 02:25:49,698
It's true. The video game
made me fat and...
It is like my grandmother.
3227
02:25:49,783 --> 02:25:50,824
All right.
"Why are you so fat?
3228
02:25:50,909 --> 02:25:52,701
"Here's four gallons
of chocolate milk."
3229
02:25:52,786 --> 02:25:54,244
That's good!
She would always do that.
3230
02:25:54,371 --> 02:25:56,246
That's good.
I got one
I've been afraid to tell,
3231
02:25:56,331 --> 02:26:00,125
kind of, about, like, Viagra.
It's like,
"My grandfather takes Viagra
3232
02:26:00,210 --> 02:26:03,128
"and he thought
he was tittie-fucking
my grandmother..."
3233
02:26:03,254 --> 02:26:04,797
Yeah?
"But then he realized
he was tittie-fucking
3234
02:26:04,881 --> 02:26:05,839
"his own balls."
3235
02:26:05,924 --> 02:26:07,508
(BOTH LAUGHING)
3236
02:26:07,842 --> 02:26:09,134
That's funny!
You got to do that!
3237
02:26:09,219 --> 02:26:10,511
That's pretty funny, huh?
3238
02:26:10,595 --> 02:26:13,305
You got to say
that the thing...
That when you're that old
3239
02:26:13,390 --> 02:26:15,808
and you have a boner
that there's not
a good position, you know?
3240
02:26:15,892 --> 02:26:17,101
That's funny!
That's really...
3241
02:26:17,185 --> 02:26:18,727
You do it doggy-style,
your knees hurt.
3242
02:26:18,812 --> 02:26:20,688
You get water
on your knee.
3243
02:26:20,772 --> 02:26:22,564
"I can't even
hold myself up in..."
Exactly.
3244
02:26:22,649 --> 02:26:24,566
"What would
an old man do?"
Yeah...
3245
02:26:24,734 --> 02:26:26,735
(ACOUSTIC ROCK MUSIC PLAYLNG)
3246
02:28:36,950 --> 02:28:38,617
WARREN ZEVON: Let's do
another bad one then
3247
02:28:38,701 --> 02:28:42,329
'cause I like it
when the blood drains
from David's face.
3248
02:28:42,622 --> 02:28:44,581
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYLNG)
3249
02:30:39,989 --> 02:30:40,948
MABLE: Okay.
3250
02:30:41,032 --> 02:30:43,075
(SLOW SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
3251
02:31:08,893 --> 02:31:15,273
(SINGING) Burnt-out ends
of smoky days
3252
02:31:15,358 --> 02:31:21,196
The stale cold smell
of morning
3253
02:31:22,699 --> 02:31:29,037
The streetlamp dies,
another night is over
3254
02:31:29,664 --> 02:31:35,335
Another day is dawning
3255
02:31:37,046 --> 02:31:42,467
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
3256
02:31:43,011 --> 02:31:49,558
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
3257
02:31:50,893 --> 02:31:57,232
If you touch me
You'll understand
what happiness is
3258
02:31:58,401 --> 02:32:02,904
Look, a new day
3259
02:32:02,989 --> 02:32:07,743
has begun
240919
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