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[DOOR CREAKS OPEN]
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[LOW GROWLING]
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[LAUGHING]
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[SIGHING]
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[BONES CREAKING]
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[LOW GROWLING]
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[THUNDER RUMBLES, LIGHTNING CRACKLES]
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Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
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[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
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Hi.
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Sorry, sir, this is a private meeting.
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Uh, this is SA, right?
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Yeah.
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Can I come in?
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It's invitation only.
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Let... um, Landis.
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What?
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Landis.
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Right? Isn't that the... the password?
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- No.
- MAN: That was last week's password.
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Well, that... that's the password
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that was given to me, so...
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- Who told you?
- It's kind of complicated.
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Could... could I just
come inside, please?
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- Sorry, can't let ya in.
- Wait, wait, wait.
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I've got cookies and doughnuts.
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[CHUCKLES] Thanks.
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- Now beat it.
- No!
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Listen, listen, listen,
listen, listen, listen!
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I'm the Naperville Ripper.
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Then go to the cops.
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I can't. I need help.
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And you may be the only ones
who know what's going on.
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Okay? There's some seriously
weird shit is happening
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to me right now.
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Please, I have nowhere else to go.
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MAN: Listen, when he called the hotline,
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Zella said he was kind of a douche.
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Zella, the woman on the phone?
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The one who thinks she's a squirrel?
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I mean, uh...
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Hey, come on, Scott, lighten up
and let the poor guy in.
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Thank you.
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Thank you very much.
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Thank you, Scott.
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Welcome to Shapeshifters Anonymous.
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I'm Irena Reed, chapter president.
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- Oh, yeah, hi, I...
- Ooh.
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It's a beautiful basement.
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Thank you. [GIGGLES]
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So, uh, what's your name?
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Oh, I thought this was anonymous.
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Oh, the founders thought
that Shapeshifters Anonymous
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had more gravitas.
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00:04:22,625 --> 00:04:24,374
- Gravitas?
- Mm-hmm.
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You know, depth. [GIGGLES]
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Sorry, I'm a schoolteacher,
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and it's one of
our vocab words this week.
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When this group was created,
they thought that
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Shapeshifters Anonymous
sounded better than any
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of the other potential options.
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We were this close to be
called Shapeshifters R Us.
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Okay.
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My name is Robert Weston,
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and I have been
having a very hard time...
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- Mm-hmm.
- Lately and I don't know
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where else to turn, so...
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Well, we find it best to
start at the beginning.
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About three months ago...
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This is gonna sound kind
of weird, but I started
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finding strange things
in my, uh, toilet.
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00:05:04,543 --> 00:05:06,498
I've never had any health
problems before, actually,
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I think I'm in pretty good shape,
but this threw me.
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I couldn't quite figure out what it was.
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I mean, it was sort
of like little white stones
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and bits of fabric.
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The doctor asked me to
bring in a sample of my, um,
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my... my stool.
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♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
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♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
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♪ We wish you a merry Christmas,
and a happy ♪
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WOMAN: Mr. Weston?
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♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
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♪ We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas ♪
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♪ And a happy new year ♪
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♪ Good tidings to you,
wherever you are ♪
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♪ Good tiding for Christmas
and a happy new year ♪
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♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
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♪ We wish you a merry Christmas,
we wish you a merry Christmas ♪
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[BELLS JINGLING]
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DOCTOR: Okay,
I have to ask the obvious first,
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have you been eating little
stones or strips of fabric?
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Not that I know of.
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00:06:01,414 --> 00:06:04,278
Uh, has your diet changed recently,
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eating anything new or exotic?
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Says it started three months ago.
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- Intermittent?
- Two or three times a month.
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But then everything's fine.
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And you're finding unusual
things in your stool.
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Every... every time I go
to the bathroom, yeah.
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Mm, well, let's take a look.
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You... you have a roommate?
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Anybody that likes
to play practical jokes?
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I, uh... I live alone.
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DOCTOR: You drink?
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- Um...
- Use drugs?
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- Deep breath.
- [GROANS]
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I have the occasional beer.
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- Uh-huh.
- [GROANS]
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You ever drink too much, black out?
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There have been a few
times where things have
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gotten fuzzy, kind of like...
sleepwalking, I guess.
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- Ooh!
- Hang on. I think I found something.
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- Doc.
- Alright, hang on.
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- Jesus.
- DOCTOR: [GRUNTS]
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And now we are getting somewhere.
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Let's see here.
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Looks like we have a coat button.
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A piece of a zipper.
126
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And 20, 40, 63 cents in change.
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I didn't eat those things.
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Well, had to end up inside
you one way or another.
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00:07:17,115 --> 00:07:18,162
Well, just count yourself lucky.
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00:07:18,186 --> 00:07:20,778
I once had a patient who,
while sleepwalking, logged
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into an internet casino, lose $78,000.
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And he came to see you
about his sleepwalking?
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Oh no, he came to set his broken nose
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after his wife found out.
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Look, I... I don't... I don't think
it's anything serious, alright.
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I... I'll prescribe a mild
sleep aid to help you
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with your late-night snacking.
138
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You might just wanna go through
your place and, you know,
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get rid of anything that looks... tasty.
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Now, I know, I have an associate...
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00:07:45,592 --> 00:07:48,426
Let me guess. They recommended a shrink.
142
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Yeah, how'd you know?
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Because they're fucking idiots,
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and they don't know anything.
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So, how did the murders come into play?
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The Ripper has been a
very busy boy these days.
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- What do you remember?
- I don't remember anything.
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00:08:02,548 --> 00:08:05,477
I just... I... I have these blackouts,
and then I wake up
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and things I find are... gross.
150
00:08:09,127 --> 00:08:11,664
I'm actually really surprised
that you didn't go to the cops.
151
00:08:11,689 --> 00:08:13,742
You seem like a really straight-up guy.
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I am.
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- I'm not a murderer, I...
- Hey.
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Maybe we should just start the meeting.
155
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Um, everyone, this is Robert Weston.
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Sorry, they're not very
social when there's food
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- in front of them.
- [CHUCKLES]
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Is this for real?
159
00:08:37,197 --> 00:08:39,721
Well, do you believe that
you're a therianthrope?
160
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A person who changes into an
animal when the moon is full?
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00:08:43,228 --> 00:08:44,234
I mean, I don't know.
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A couple days ago,
I didn't believe in any of this.
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So now I'm at a support
group for werewolves,
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- and it's a little...
- Is that what you turn into?
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A wolf?
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What else is there?
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- I'm a were-cheetah.
- [LAUGHS]
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- A were-cheetah?
- Mm-hmm.
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Is that why you wore the blouse?
170
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Oh no, no,
I just... I... I actually turn
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into a cheetah. Rrruh.
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BOTH: [LAUGHING]
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Okay.
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00:09:09,955 --> 00:09:11,585
Which is really ironic,
because, you know,
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I'm a schoolteacher.
176
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You know.
And... we expel cheetahs. [LAUGHS]
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Get it?
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Okay, I think I'm gonna go.
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Hey, no, you shouldn't leave.
180
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Why not? This is ludicrous.
181
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I mean, have you not heard
what I have been saying to you?
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I think I am killing people.
183
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Like, innocent people.
184
00:09:31,602 --> 00:09:32,630
Yes, I get it.
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00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:35,888
But if you are what you think you are...
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then you belong here with us.
187
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Now, please.
188
00:09:49,144 --> 00:09:51,159
Continue, please.
189
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When I first started figuring
out what was going on,
190
00:09:54,191 --> 00:09:55,888
I started doing some research,
191
00:09:55,913 --> 00:09:58,742
and I found the hidden URL,
and I called the hotline,
192
00:09:58,767 --> 00:10:01,190
and talked to Zella,
and that's how I found...
193
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:03,733
- you guys.
- Mm-hmm.
194
00:10:03,922 --> 00:10:05,247
Those... those people that I killed...
195
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:07,737
They were all bad people.
196
00:10:07,762 --> 00:10:09,409
I mean, one was a mobster.
197
00:10:09,434 --> 00:10:11,276
There was a sex offender.
198
00:10:11,301 --> 00:10:14,347
A thief, another was a defense attorney
199
00:10:14,372 --> 00:10:16,761
that defended child molesters.
200
00:10:16,786 --> 00:10:18,866
So if you think about it,
you actually made the world
201
00:10:18,891 --> 00:10:22,155
a slightly better place.
202
00:10:22,180 --> 00:10:24,226
I mean, given a choice,
therianthropes usually
203
00:10:24,251 --> 00:10:26,729
choose the wicked over the good.
204
00:10:26,754 --> 00:10:28,847
The creatures inside of us,
we... we just...
205
00:10:28,872 --> 00:10:31,198
We find evil tastier.
206
00:10:31,813 --> 00:10:35,011
Well, that... that is...
207
00:10:36,105 --> 00:10:38,151
- a big relief.
- [GIGGLES]
208
00:10:38,176 --> 00:10:41,042
Wow. god, that's good to know.
209
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,395
So, um...
210
00:10:43,420 --> 00:10:44,636
who is everybody?
211
00:10:44,661 --> 00:10:47,158
Oh, uh, that's Scott Howard, ex-Marine.
212
00:10:47,183 --> 00:10:48,837
He's a were-tortoise.
213
00:10:48,862 --> 00:10:50,878
- A were-tortoise?
- Mm-hmm.
214
00:10:51,066 --> 00:10:53,448
ROBERT: Like you turn into a turtle?
215
00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:54,800
Yeah.
216
00:10:54,825 --> 00:10:57,386
With the scales and the
shell that is your home?
217
00:10:57,411 --> 00:10:58,628
That's the one.
218
00:10:58,653 --> 00:11:01,133
Do you shrink down,
or are you full size?
219
00:11:01,732 --> 00:11:02,863
Full size.
220
00:11:02,888 --> 00:11:04,760
Do you eat people?
221
00:11:04,799 --> 00:11:06,235
No.
222
00:11:06,260 --> 00:11:08,131
Not all therianthropes are carnivores,
223
00:11:08,156 --> 00:11:11,138
otherwise, there'd be a lot
more dead bodies lying around.
224
00:11:11,163 --> 00:11:12,840
- [CHUCKLES]
- So then like when you change,
225
00:11:12,864 --> 00:11:14,260
what do you do?
226
00:11:14,952 --> 00:11:16,917
I eat lettuce.
227
00:11:17,603 --> 00:11:19,474
- Is it evil lettuce?
- [CHUCKLES]
228
00:11:19,499 --> 00:11:21,714
I'm gonna put your sarcasm
down as you being on the edge
229
00:11:21,739 --> 00:11:25,136
of a nervous breakdown,
so I'll ignore that one.
230
00:11:25,161 --> 00:11:27,250
I'm sorry,
I was not being sarcastic, I...
231
00:11:27,275 --> 00:11:29,589
Hey, it's okay.
232
00:11:30,021 --> 00:11:32,023
Um, that's Phyllis Allenbee.
233
00:11:32,048 --> 00:11:33,675
She's a furry.
234
00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:35,276
You're kidding.
235
00:11:35,301 --> 00:11:37,924
No, she likes to put on hippo outfit
236
00:11:37,949 --> 00:11:40,573
and just dance around. [LAUGHS]
237
00:11:40,698 --> 00:11:42,482
I'm sorry, I... I don't really get it.
238
00:11:42,507 --> 00:11:44,094
I've never really understood
the whole like dressing up
239
00:11:44,118 --> 00:11:46,253
as an animal and doing it thing,
240
00:11:46,278 --> 00:11:48,498
but she never misses a meeting, so...
241
00:11:48,836 --> 00:11:50,185
Why do you let her stay?
242
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,917
We just feel sorry for her, I guess.
243
00:11:52,942 --> 00:11:54,682
Hey! New guy!
244
00:11:54,707 --> 00:11:56,659
Andy McDermott, were-boar.
245
00:11:56,954 --> 00:11:58,477
You turn into a pig?
246
00:11:58,502 --> 00:12:00,220
Actually, when the full moon rises,
I change
247
00:12:00,244 --> 00:12:02,434
into someone vastly
self-interested, and I talk
248
00:12:02,459 --> 00:12:05,495
incessantly about the worthless
minutia going on in my life.
249
00:12:06,402 --> 00:12:08,100
"A bore." [LAUGHS]
250
00:12:08,156 --> 00:12:09,878
Get it? A bore. Were-bore.
251
00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:12,819
[LAUGHS] Actually, I'm kidding.
252
00:12:12,954 --> 00:12:14,128
Yeah, I turn into a pig.
253
00:12:14,153 --> 00:12:15,956
You mean, a bigger pig, right, Andy?
254
00:12:15,981 --> 00:12:18,190
God, you are so fucking hot, Irena.
255
00:12:18,818 --> 00:12:20,428
When are we gonna get together?
256
00:12:20,453 --> 00:12:22,427
Have ourselves a litter
of little "kiggens," huh?
257
00:12:22,452 --> 00:12:23,604
Let's make this happen.
258
00:12:23,629 --> 00:12:25,090
Mm, you know, I really don't know, maybe
259
00:12:25,114 --> 00:12:27,519
on the first of never,
Andy, and they wouldn't be
260
00:12:27,544 --> 00:12:29,415
"kiggens," they would be "pitties."
261
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:32,362
Snap. Shoot that pig down, girl.
262
00:12:32,835 --> 00:12:34,619
- Really?
- PHYLLIS: [LAUGHS]
263
00:12:36,315 --> 00:12:38,276
Who's that guy?
264
00:12:38,510 --> 00:12:41,513
That? That's Ryan.
265
00:12:41,538 --> 00:12:42,871
Just Ryan?
266
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:45,878
That's all he's ever told us.
I mean, doesn't talk.
267
00:12:45,988 --> 00:12:47,380
Never says a word.
268
00:12:47,405 --> 00:12:49,454
But he comes to every meeting, right?
269
00:12:49,479 --> 00:12:51,220
But look at him, he just sits there.
270
00:12:51,307 --> 00:12:52,978
Thinks he's the Terminator.
271
00:12:53,003 --> 00:12:54,700
What does he turn into?
272
00:12:54,725 --> 00:12:57,772
No one really knows but, um,
it's gotta be something,
273
00:12:57,797 --> 00:12:59,369
or he wouldn't be here, right?
274
00:12:59,394 --> 00:13:02,369
Oh man, I got chocolate on my face.
275
00:13:02,394 --> 00:13:05,095
Hey, good thing I got brown
pants on, right?
276
00:13:05,849 --> 00:13:08,220
So, uh, I heard at the door...
277
00:13:08,245 --> 00:13:10,908
[WHISPERS] You're
the Naperville Ripper. Huh?
278
00:13:10,933 --> 00:13:12,391
What kind of
therianthrope you turn into?
279
00:13:12,415 --> 00:13:14,720
What, are you like a were-rat?
280
00:13:15,049 --> 00:13:18,309
I, um, just always assumed
I was a werewolf.
281
00:13:18,334 --> 00:13:21,598
ALL: [LAUGHING]
282
00:13:21,623 --> 00:13:22,754
What's so funny?
283
00:13:22,779 --> 00:13:24,926
Everyone assumes they're
a werewolf at first,
284
00:13:24,951 --> 00:13:26,866
because it's the most
popular therianthrope.
285
00:13:26,891 --> 00:13:28,653
Right, I mean, look,
they get all the good press.
286
00:13:28,677 --> 00:13:30,825
Right? They get all the books,
they get all the movies.
287
00:13:30,849 --> 00:13:32,198
Never gonna catch a flick called
288
00:13:32,223 --> 00:13:33,731
"An American Were-boar in London."
289
00:13:33,756 --> 00:13:35,363
- Or "The Oinking."
- Right.
290
00:13:35,388 --> 00:13:38,086
Because we can't remember
what we do when we've changed,
291
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:41,465
we all at first just assume werewolf.
292
00:13:41,490 --> 00:13:43,469
But if you can't figure out
what you do when you change,
293
00:13:43,493 --> 00:13:46,145
how do you figure out
what you've changed into?
294
00:13:46,170 --> 00:13:49,166
Well, me, I... I set up
my phone and I filmed it.
295
00:13:49,191 --> 00:13:51,497
- You wanna see it? I have it.
- Oh, please, don't say yes.
296
00:13:51,521 --> 00:13:53,518
The last time he showed us a video
297
00:13:53,543 --> 00:13:55,980
was of some girl and
him doing the nasty.
298
00:13:56,005 --> 00:13:57,547
And it was real nasty.
299
00:13:57,572 --> 00:14:00,009
Okay, honest mistake, alright?
300
00:14:00,034 --> 00:14:01,688
Bro, she was a college cheerleader
301
00:14:01,713 --> 00:14:03,293
majoring in massage therapy.
302
00:14:03,318 --> 00:14:05,843
- I was bowlegged for a week.
- That's not how...
303
00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:07,716
Bowlegged,
that's not what the term means.
304
00:14:07,741 --> 00:14:09,918
She was an elderly woman,
and she had a walker.
305
00:14:09,943 --> 00:14:10,965
Okay, you know what?
Why don't you mind
306
00:14:10,989 --> 00:14:12,388
your own business,
you fur-vert, alright?
307
00:14:12,412 --> 00:14:14,559
You are not even a real therianthrope.
308
00:14:14,584 --> 00:14:15,918
I am in my heart.
309
00:14:15,943 --> 00:14:17,652
You know, Phyllis,
when the full moon rises,
310
00:14:17,676 --> 00:14:19,917
you don't turn into a hippo.
311
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:23,337
You turn into an idiot who
puts on a hippo outfit, and
312
00:14:23,362 --> 00:14:26,669
you skip around like some
demented children's show host.
313
00:14:26,694 --> 00:14:27,856
- Mm-mm.
- Du-du-du-du-du.
314
00:14:27,881 --> 00:14:29,762
Yeah, keep talking and
I'm gonna turn you into
315
00:14:29,787 --> 00:14:31,208
the other other white meat, ham boy.
316
00:14:31,232 --> 00:14:33,036
Okay, alright,
whatever hungry, hungry hippo.
317
00:14:33,061 --> 00:14:34,981
- Yeah, okay, bacon bit.
- Okay. Okay, everybody,
318
00:14:35,006 --> 00:14:38,183
please, stop, we're all adults here,
so let's act like it.
319
00:14:38,388 --> 00:14:39,973
[SNORTS]
320
00:14:40,707 --> 00:14:46,479
So, is there any other way
I can find out what I am?
321
00:14:48,511 --> 00:14:50,339
Yes, actually, there is.
322
00:14:53,196 --> 00:14:54,909
Testing equipment.
323
00:15:00,727 --> 00:15:02,251
Hold out your hand.
324
00:15:08,792 --> 00:15:12,377
- IRENA: Do you feel anything?
- No.
325
00:15:15,034 --> 00:15:16,949
[SIGHS]
326
00:15:16,974 --> 00:15:19,534
[SNIFFS] Mm.
327
00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:22,752
It's catnip. [GIGGLES]
328
00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:25,268
It's a shame.
329
00:15:25,293 --> 00:15:27,854
You would have made a really cute kitty.
330
00:15:29,971 --> 00:15:31,723
Okay, Jesus, give me that, alright.
331
00:15:31,748 --> 00:15:34,363
Give... give it, give me it.
Give me it. Give me it.
332
00:15:34,662 --> 00:15:37,676
If we let her,
she'll play with this all day. God.
333
00:15:38,012 --> 00:15:40,058
Alright, uh, here we go.
334
00:15:40,302 --> 00:15:41,707
Try this.
335
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,462
Just...
336
00:15:45,713 --> 00:15:48,528
[SPARKS SNAPPING]
337
00:15:48,921 --> 00:15:50,140
- ANDY: Oh my God.
- Oh my God.
338
00:15:50,165 --> 00:15:51,637
Jesus, what the hell was that?
339
00:15:51,662 --> 00:15:52,750
Are you okay?
340
00:15:52,775 --> 00:15:54,746
- I'll be damned.
- What?
341
00:15:54,771 --> 00:15:55,946
That was wolfsbane.
342
00:15:55,971 --> 00:15:57,238
You're a lycanthrope.
343
00:15:57,263 --> 00:15:59,145
[MOANS]
344
00:16:01,721 --> 00:16:04,074
Okay, so I'm a werewolf.
345
00:16:04,099 --> 00:16:06,623
Oh my God, we have never had a
werewolf in this group before.
346
00:16:06,648 --> 00:16:08,349
This is so exciting.
How did you become a werewolf?
347
00:16:08,373 --> 00:16:10,512
- I don't know.
- Is your mother or father a werewolf?
348
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:11,910
It's a recent development, Scott.
349
00:16:11,935 --> 00:16:14,615
I inherited a recessive gene
from my mother, Shellen.
350
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,903
I've been a therianthrope since birth.
351
00:16:16,928 --> 00:16:18,234
What about a gypsy?
352
00:16:18,259 --> 00:16:19,578
Were you cursed by a gypsy recently?
353
00:16:19,602 --> 00:16:21,778
No, of course... wait.
354
00:16:29,875 --> 00:16:32,942
- Merry Chris...
- ROBERT: Yeah, you too, pal.
355
00:16:37,416 --> 00:16:42,208
- Oh, hello.
- You are loud man.
356
00:16:42,233 --> 00:16:43,731
Loud man.
357
00:16:43,756 --> 00:16:44,965
[DOG GROWLING]
358
00:16:44,990 --> 00:16:47,223
I'm sorry, ooh, excuse me.
359
00:16:47,363 --> 00:16:50,018
- Okay, excuse me, I said.
- [DOG GROWLING]
360
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:51,387
I'm sorry.
361
00:16:51,412 --> 00:16:54,879
- WOMAN: You are loud.
- Jesus.
362
00:16:54,904 --> 00:16:59,457
- You keep it down in there.
- Okay, I will keep it down.
363
00:16:59,482 --> 00:17:01,832
You know,
there is a thing called earplugs...
364
00:17:01,857 --> 00:17:02,864
- Loud man!
- Which you can purchase
365
00:17:02,888 --> 00:17:05,145
at any pharmacy,
which I'm sure you know all about.
366
00:17:05,170 --> 00:17:08,871
- I hear it all!
- Thank you. Thank you.
367
00:17:08,896 --> 00:17:10,289
Got it.
368
00:17:10,793 --> 00:17:12,568
- [DOG BARKING]
- [BANGING ON DOOR]
369
00:17:12,593 --> 00:17:14,543
Okay, I get it! I know!
370
00:17:14,568 --> 00:17:17,090
WOMAN: I curse you!
371
00:17:17,115 --> 00:17:18,169
FEMALE REPORTER: With the discovery of
372
00:17:18,193 --> 00:17:20,818
Martin Colive brings the
Ripper's body count to four.
373
00:17:20,843 --> 00:17:23,411
In the last three months,
the remains of Waldemar Daminski,
374
00:17:23,436 --> 00:17:26,296
66, a local businessman with known ties
375
00:17:26,321 --> 00:17:28,540
to Polish organized crime was found,
376
00:17:28,565 --> 00:17:31,438
along with those of Tony Rivers, 22,
377
00:17:31,463 --> 00:17:34,074
who was decapitated after
robbing a liquor store
378
00:17:34,099 --> 00:17:36,175
and beating the owner unconscious.
379
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,960
Police recently identified
victim number three,
380
00:17:38,985 --> 00:17:41,031
Ginger Fitzgerald,
who recently lost custody
381
00:17:41,056 --> 00:17:43,356
of her daughter after
locking her in a closet
382
00:17:43,381 --> 00:17:45,669
for a week without food or water.
383
00:17:45,834 --> 00:17:49,036
For JBN Channel 4 News, I'm Ann Pool.
384
00:17:53,356 --> 00:17:54,428
MALE REPORTER: Thanks, Anne.
385
00:17:54,452 --> 00:17:56,591
In other news,
Christmas is right around the corner,
386
00:17:56,616 --> 00:17:58,575
and Santa's Army
Redemption is being spotted
387
00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,521
- all over town.
- [PHONE RINGING]
388
00:18:03,170 --> 00:18:04,764
FEMALE ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
Hi, Mr. Weston.
389
00:18:04,788 --> 00:18:06,662
This is Family Medical
Center calling on behalf of
390
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,849
Dr. Talbot,
we received your test results,
391
00:18:08,874 --> 00:18:10,602
and we need you to come
back for further testing.
392
00:18:10,626 --> 00:18:12,386
Can you please give
us a call back so we can
393
00:18:12,411 --> 00:18:15,232
- schedule your next appointment.
- [STOMACH GROWLING]
394
00:18:15,785 --> 00:18:19,963
[VOMITING]
395
00:18:19,988 --> 00:18:22,420
[HEAVY BREATHING]
396
00:18:22,445 --> 00:18:24,310
[WOMAN CACKLING]
397
00:18:24,335 --> 00:18:28,216
I curse you.
398
00:18:29,228 --> 00:18:31,404
I think I was cursed
from my brushing my teeth
399
00:18:31,429 --> 00:18:32,857
too loud.
400
00:18:34,217 --> 00:18:37,089
Well, it... it looks like
you're in luck, because, um...
401
00:18:37,114 --> 00:18:38,507
it's the easiest type to cure.
402
00:18:38,532 --> 00:18:39,850
SCOTT: Oh, who cares about a cure?
403
00:18:39,874 --> 00:18:41,528
I like being a were-tortoise.
404
00:18:41,553 --> 00:18:43,504
Yeah, Scott,
that's because when you change,
405
00:18:43,528 --> 00:18:45,400
all you do is eat salad and swim around
406
00:18:45,425 --> 00:18:46,888
in your bathtub, okay?
407
00:18:46,913 --> 00:18:49,700
I root through garbage
and eat aluminum cans.
408
00:18:49,725 --> 00:18:51,565
Alright, I'm all for recycling,
but have any of
409
00:18:51,590 --> 00:18:53,208
you ever tried to shit out
410
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:56,161
a six-pack of Budweiser tall boys?
411
00:18:56,271 --> 00:18:59,187
Listen, Weston is
a carnivore like Irena.
412
00:18:59,348 --> 00:19:00,854
They eat people.
413
00:19:00,879 --> 00:19:03,060
It's gotta weigh heavy
on his conscience.
414
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:10,334
Do you... do you ever
feel guilty about it?
415
00:19:10,359 --> 00:19:12,583
About eating people?
416
00:19:14,416 --> 00:19:17,158
Honestly, no, I really don't.
417
00:19:17,354 --> 00:19:18,888
It's in our nature.
418
00:19:18,913 --> 00:19:22,325
And, plus, I get to eat
any dipshit faculty member
419
00:19:22,350 --> 00:19:24,044
that pisses me off.
420
00:19:24,569 --> 00:19:27,029
[CHUCKLES]
421
00:19:27,914 --> 00:19:30,178
So let's say I wanted
to go back to normal,
422
00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:32,021
how would I go about doing that?
423
00:19:34,059 --> 00:19:37,021
Just go back to the
gypsy that cursed you,
424
00:19:37,046 --> 00:19:38,927
and beg her to take the curse off, yeah.
425
00:19:38,952 --> 00:19:40,499
- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.
426
00:19:41,412 --> 00:19:43,538
That might be a little hard.
427
00:19:44,261 --> 00:19:45,381
Oh fuck.
428
00:19:45,406 --> 00:19:47,042
I ate her.
429
00:19:49,638 --> 00:19:52,223
- ROBERT: And I ate her dog.
- Oh my God. What?
430
00:19:52,248 --> 00:19:53,747
And I peed all over her hedges.
431
00:19:54,223 --> 00:19:55,317
Why would you do that?
432
00:19:55,342 --> 00:19:56,494
I think I was marking my territory.
433
00:19:56,518 --> 00:19:57,780
- I don't know.
- [SIGHS]
434
00:19:58,309 --> 00:19:59,747
I've done that.
435
00:19:59,772 --> 00:20:01,590
I've done that.
436
00:20:02,639 --> 00:20:05,324
Tough break, man, but, uh,
you'll get used to it,
437
00:20:05,349 --> 00:20:07,632
you know? But in the meantime,
you might wanna get yourself
438
00:20:07,656 --> 00:20:09,559
a nice, sturdy leash, though.
439
00:20:10,182 --> 00:20:11,473
You know what?
440
00:20:11,498 --> 00:20:13,465
I think it's time that
we start this meeting.
441
00:20:13,490 --> 00:20:15,637
Start the meeting?
So the meeting hasn't started yet?
442
00:20:15,662 --> 00:20:18,262
Come on, everybody, join hands.
443
00:20:18,472 --> 00:20:21,301
And let's recite the Shapeshifters
Anonymous credo.
444
00:20:21,326 --> 00:20:22,689
Repeat after me.
445
00:20:22,714 --> 00:20:24,661
I, state your name.
446
00:20:24,686 --> 00:20:27,297
- ROBERT: I, Robert Weston.
- ALL: [INDISTINCT RESPONSES]
447
00:20:27,506 --> 00:20:30,012
Agree to abide by the rules of ethics.
448
00:20:30,037 --> 00:20:33,567
ALL: Agree to abide
by the rules of ethics.
449
00:20:33,595 --> 00:20:36,668
As set forth by Shapeshifters Anonymous.
450
00:20:36,693 --> 00:20:39,435
As set forth by Shapeshifters Anonymous.
451
00:20:39,460 --> 00:20:42,593
I agree to do my best
to use my abilities.
452
00:20:42,618 --> 00:20:45,982
ALL: I agree to do my
best to use my abilities.
453
00:20:46,007 --> 00:20:48,662
For the good of man
and therianthrope kind.
454
00:20:48,687 --> 00:20:51,848
ALL: For the good of man
and therianthrope kind.
455
00:20:51,873 --> 00:20:55,215
I agree to do my best to
help any therianthrope
456
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:57,192
who comes to me in need.
457
00:20:57,217 --> 00:21:00,466
ALL: I agree to do my best
to help any therianthrope
458
00:21:00,491 --> 00:21:02,122
who comes to me in need.
459
00:21:02,147 --> 00:21:07,098
I agree to do my best not
to devour any nice people.
460
00:21:07,123 --> 00:21:11,129
ALL: I agree to do my best
not to devour any nice people.
461
00:21:11,154 --> 00:21:13,926
I promise to avoid Kris Kringle,
462
00:21:13,951 --> 00:21:18,059
the dreaded Santa Claus
and his many evil helpers.
463
00:21:18,084 --> 00:21:22,480
I, um... I think... I didn't under...
what does that mean?
464
00:21:22,505 --> 00:21:24,418
Santa Claus is a Therianthrope Hunter.
465
00:21:24,443 --> 00:21:27,270
Santa Claus, the mythical,
jolly character loved by millions?
466
00:21:27,295 --> 00:21:29,161
He kills shapeshifters.
467
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:30,707
You're kidding.
468
00:21:30,732 --> 00:21:33,293
No one's sure how our kind got started.
469
00:21:33,601 --> 00:21:35,516
Some say black magic.
470
00:21:35,541 --> 00:21:37,551
Some say interspecies breeding,
471
00:21:37,576 --> 00:21:40,623
though I don't buy into that malarkey.
472
00:21:40,648 --> 00:21:43,988
Some say therianthropes date
back to the very beginning,
473
00:21:44,013 --> 00:21:47,190
to the Garden of Eden,
when man and werebeast lived in harmony.
474
00:21:47,215 --> 00:21:50,000
The Bible doesn't tell the whole story.
475
00:21:50,025 --> 00:21:52,288
Certain religious leaders
over the years have edited it
476
00:21:52,313 --> 00:21:54,067
as they see fit.
477
00:21:55,500 --> 00:21:57,747
Entire books were taken out.
478
00:21:59,306 --> 00:22:01,917
ROBERT: There...
there's no werewolves in the Bible.
479
00:22:04,659 --> 00:22:06,379
They were edited out.
480
00:22:08,726 --> 00:22:10,249
Pay attention, son.
481
00:22:13,113 --> 00:22:14,679
You'll learn something.
482
00:22:14,704 --> 00:22:17,981
See, the Lord blessed
one of his disciples, Bob,
483
00:22:18,006 --> 00:22:21,009
with the gift of lycanthrophy,
to do his work by
484
00:22:21,034 --> 00:22:22,949
devouring evil.
485
00:22:23,128 --> 00:22:25,918
But Bob became prideful
of his accomplishments.
486
00:22:25,943 --> 00:22:27,989
Oh, that angered God.
487
00:22:30,615 --> 00:22:32,457
So, to put Bob in his place,
488
00:22:32,482 --> 00:22:35,039
God granted one of Bob's enemies,
Kristofer,
489
00:22:35,064 --> 00:22:38,676
a red suit of impenetrable
armor and ordered him
490
00:22:38,701 --> 00:22:40,911
to smite all therianthropes.
491
00:22:41,070 --> 00:22:42,985
God also blessed domesticated beasts
492
00:22:43,010 --> 00:22:45,142
with the power to fly
through the sky and pull
493
00:22:45,167 --> 00:22:47,256
Kristofer's warship of destruction
494
00:22:47,281 --> 00:22:48,848
throughout the world.
495
00:22:48,941 --> 00:22:52,472
Let me guess. Kris, son of Kringle.
496
00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:54,455
Bob and Kristofer fought.
497
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,700
And Bob proved victorious.
498
00:22:56,913 --> 00:22:59,977
But Kristofer, God's chosen avenger,
499
00:23:00,002 --> 00:23:02,657
felt betrayed,
so he turned to the other side
500
00:23:02,682 --> 00:23:04,386
for assistance.
501
00:23:05,712 --> 00:23:07,584
- The other side?
- Lucifer!
502
00:23:07,609 --> 00:23:10,786
Beelzebub, the Devil himself.
503
00:23:10,872 --> 00:23:14,208
Lucifer gave Kristofer a
fiercesome weapon shaped
504
00:23:14,233 --> 00:23:17,870
like the talons of an eagle
forged in the fires of hell.
505
00:23:17,895 --> 00:23:20,363
He called the weapon Satan's Claws.
506
00:23:20,591 --> 00:23:23,066
And Kristofer recruited
an army of helpers
507
00:23:23,091 --> 00:23:25,746
to rid the world of Bob and his kind.
508
00:23:27,652 --> 00:23:30,859
Oh, they found us. They're here.
509
00:23:30,884 --> 00:23:32,886
- Who?
- Battle stations.
510
00:23:32,911 --> 00:23:35,949
Battle stations? What?
511
00:23:37,113 --> 00:23:39,289
- [MACHINES BEEPING]
- I...
512
00:23:39,988 --> 00:23:41,878
[METAL BANGS]
513
00:23:41,903 --> 00:23:44,862
[MACHINES BEEPING]
514
00:23:45,195 --> 00:23:46,588
Jesus.
515
00:23:46,613 --> 00:23:48,816
Oh, there's gotta be hundreds of them.
516
00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:51,409
Fuck me.
517
00:23:51,434 --> 00:23:53,714
Those are his little red helpers?
518
00:23:53,739 --> 00:23:55,330
So you're telling me Kris Kringle
519
00:23:55,355 --> 00:23:58,314
and his magical red
suit and Satan's Claw,
520
00:23:58,339 --> 00:24:00,951
which I guess over time has
turned into Santa Claus,
521
00:24:00,976 --> 00:24:03,021
is coming here to kill therianthropes
522
00:24:03,046 --> 00:24:05,309
with a bunch of shopping mall Santas?
523
00:24:05,334 --> 00:24:08,468
Santa Claus has come to town.
524
00:24:08,493 --> 00:24:10,713
- [EXPLOSION BLASTS]
- [SCREAMING]
525
00:24:12,955 --> 00:24:14,699
Stay in formation!
526
00:24:16,536 --> 00:24:21,536
[EXPLOSIONS AND YELLING]
527
00:24:25,528 --> 00:24:26,870
[SCREAMING]
528
00:24:26,895 --> 00:24:31,245
It burns!
529
00:24:32,877 --> 00:24:35,230
[EXPLOSIONS BLAST]
530
00:24:36,917 --> 00:24:38,527
Come on, come on!
531
00:24:38,552 --> 00:24:40,728
Could someone please kill that alarm?
532
00:24:40,938 --> 00:24:42,862
Wait, these are
the people we're fighting
533
00:24:42,887 --> 00:24:44,193
for our lives against?
534
00:24:44,218 --> 00:24:45,480
It's the way it's always been.
535
00:24:45,505 --> 00:24:46,730
What about the toy stuff?
536
00:24:46,755 --> 00:24:48,941
Kringle's killed tens of
thousands of therianthropes
537
00:24:48,966 --> 00:24:51,523
over the centuries,
leaving many children orphans.
538
00:24:51,548 --> 00:24:53,768
He started to feel some
remorse after slaughtering
539
00:24:53,793 --> 00:24:56,699
their parents,
he began to leave toys behind.
540
00:24:56,879 --> 00:24:58,824
- Kringle gave this to me...
- Oh.
541
00:24:58,849 --> 00:25:00,566
- When I was seven years old...
- Gross.
542
00:25:00,591 --> 00:25:01,960
Right after murdering my parents.
543
00:25:01,985 --> 00:25:05,015
- Yikes.
- He also gave me a train set.
544
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,105
[BANG]
545
00:25:06,130 --> 00:25:07,512
Weston, we don't have time for this.
546
00:25:07,536 --> 00:25:09,011
We need to get ready!
547
00:25:09,036 --> 00:25:10,886
- [EXPLOSION BLASTS]
- Look, look, look!
548
00:25:10,911 --> 00:25:14,034
Look, look,
I can accept the shapeshifting, okay?
549
00:25:14,059 --> 00:25:17,299
And the wolfsbane, that was very...
that was fucking creepy,
550
00:25:17,324 --> 00:25:18,872
but you want me to believe that
551
00:25:18,897 --> 00:25:22,032
every single volunteer with a Santa suit
552
00:25:22,057 --> 00:25:24,102
and a bell is out to murder us?
553
00:25:24,127 --> 00:25:26,166
I mean, I see these people everywhere.
554
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:27,976
I... I mean,
they're on every street corner.
555
00:25:28,001 --> 00:25:29,284
They're in the shopping centers.
556
00:25:29,309 --> 00:25:31,181
I saw one by my apartment
just this morning.
557
00:25:31,206 --> 00:25:33,167
You saw one today? Where?
558
00:25:33,472 --> 00:25:35,001
- Naperville.
- What?
559
00:25:35,026 --> 00:25:36,159
What'd he say to you?
560
00:25:36,184 --> 00:25:37,961
I... you know, Scott, I don't know.
561
00:25:37,986 --> 00:25:39,035
He was a little bit out of his mind.
562
00:25:39,059 --> 00:25:40,863
- What?
- He said something about...
563
00:25:40,888 --> 00:25:43,105
_
564
00:25:43,130 --> 00:25:47,003
[BELL DINGING]
565
00:25:48,384 --> 00:25:51,027
Merry Christmas.
566
00:25:53,534 --> 00:25:56,394
There's a killer on
the loose in Naperville.
567
00:25:56,544 --> 00:25:59,308
Only comes out when the moon is full.
568
00:25:59,333 --> 00:26:03,464
Naughty boys,
they get what they deserve.
569
00:26:03,575 --> 00:26:07,449
Their heads severed
from the unholy bodies.
570
00:26:14,343 --> 00:26:15,519
[BANGING ON DOOR]
571
00:26:15,544 --> 00:26:18,436
The only way we die
is old age or beheading.
572
00:26:18,461 --> 00:26:20,652
- [BANGING ON DOOR]
- Son of a bitch.
573
00:26:20,942 --> 00:26:22,204
They must have followed you.
574
00:26:22,229 --> 00:26:23,665
Look, we need to call the cops.
575
00:26:23,690 --> 00:26:24,714
IRENA: And tell them what?
576
00:26:24,738 --> 00:26:26,923
I thought you said the
police were a waste of time.
577
00:26:26,948 --> 00:26:28,645
Everybody has conflicting information.
578
00:26:28,670 --> 00:26:29,925
IRENA: Come on.
579
00:26:30,517 --> 00:26:31,693
Whoa.
580
00:26:33,925 --> 00:26:36,699
- You ever fired a 9mm?
- No.
581
00:26:37,141 --> 00:26:38,708
[BANG]
582
00:26:38,733 --> 00:26:41,136
Turn off the safety on the side.
583
00:26:41,161 --> 00:26:42,425
Then pull back the top part.
584
00:26:42,450 --> 00:26:44,878
That's the slide,
loads the bullet into the chamber.
585
00:26:44,903 --> 00:26:47,308
[INDISTINCT YELLING]
586
00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:51,851
Now all you have to do is aim,
pull the trigger.
587
00:26:51,876 --> 00:26:54,792
Red suits are Kevlar,
so aim for the face.
588
00:26:54,886 --> 00:26:57,199
Yipee-ki-yay, mother...
589
00:26:57,454 --> 00:26:59,613
Sorry. Sorry that... that won't happen.
590
00:27:00,302 --> 00:27:01,402
[GRUNTS]
591
00:27:01,435 --> 00:27:03,292
Choose your shots carefully, people.
592
00:27:03,317 --> 00:27:04,579
We don't have a lot of ammo.
593
00:27:04,604 --> 00:27:06,558
Ryan, can you fire a weapon?
594
00:27:06,583 --> 00:27:08,894
Damn it, man, we need you.
595
00:27:08,919 --> 00:27:10,967
- Shouldn't we go?
- That's the only door.
596
00:27:10,992 --> 00:27:12,339
What?
597
00:27:13,342 --> 00:27:15,150
If we make it out of this alive,
598
00:27:15,175 --> 00:27:16,870
would you wanna go out with me?
599
00:27:16,896 --> 00:27:18,667
I'd like that.
600
00:27:18,798 --> 00:27:21,583
Which part? Making it out
alive or going out with me?
601
00:27:22,046 --> 00:27:23,091
Both.
602
00:27:23,116 --> 00:27:24,595
[BANGING ON DOOR]
603
00:27:25,875 --> 00:27:27,572
- [BANG]
- [SCREAMS]
604
00:27:27,597 --> 00:27:29,991
[HEAVY BREATHING]
605
00:27:30,123 --> 00:27:35,331
- [BANGING ON DOOR]
- SANTAS: Ho. Ho. Ho.
606
00:27:35,356 --> 00:27:37,316
Don't fire until you see
the whites of the beards.
607
00:27:37,341 --> 00:27:39,212
- [BANGING]
- SANTAS: Ho!
608
00:27:43,459 --> 00:27:48,706
- SANTAS: Ho! Ho!
- [BANGING ON DOOR]
609
00:27:54,911 --> 00:27:59,911
[GUNSHOTS BLASTING]
610
00:28:05,142 --> 00:28:07,797
SANTAS: [YELLING]
611
00:28:25,850 --> 00:28:27,753
Naughty boy.
612
00:28:31,328 --> 00:28:34,011
- Naughty boy!
- IRENA: Hey, Santa!
613
00:28:34,036 --> 00:28:35,902
Got some milk and cookies for ya.
614
00:28:36,530 --> 00:28:39,183
[GUNSHOT BLASTS]
615
00:28:40,124 --> 00:28:41,581
Where did you learn to shoot like that?
616
00:28:41,605 --> 00:28:43,019
I teach high school.
617
00:28:43,644 --> 00:28:44,925
Duck!
618
00:28:44,950 --> 00:28:46,690
[GUNSHOTS BLASTING]
619
00:28:49,929 --> 00:28:51,214
Nice.
620
00:28:51,239 --> 00:28:52,544
Yeah, well, you know?
621
00:28:52,569 --> 00:28:55,209
Oop. Sorry. I got it. I got it.
622
00:29:00,218 --> 00:29:02,404
They're retreating. Hold your fire.
623
00:29:10,089 --> 00:29:11,743
Hold your fire.
624
00:29:11,768 --> 00:29:13,974
Sorry, I couldn't hear ya.
It's a loud gun.
625
00:29:13,999 --> 00:29:15,526
- Jesus.
- Oh my Go...
626
00:29:15,551 --> 00:29:17,451
- Andy, you're bleeding.
- Oh.
627
00:29:17,476 --> 00:29:18,746
Everyone okay?
628
00:29:18,771 --> 00:29:19,935
ANDY: [LAUGHING]
629
00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:23,012
Well, uh, we sure kicked some Santa ass.
630
00:29:24,041 --> 00:29:26,406
Let's see you try climbing
down a chimney now, shithead.
631
00:29:26,431 --> 00:29:28,896
- Bitch! [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]
632
00:29:29,205 --> 00:29:30,998
It isn't over.
633
00:29:34,184 --> 00:29:36,115
Did you just say something?
634
00:29:49,594 --> 00:29:56,594
[BELLS JINGLING]
635
00:30:05,113 --> 00:30:08,943
KRINGLE: [EVIL LAUGHING]
636
00:30:09,046 --> 00:30:10,599
[BANG]
637
00:30:11,516 --> 00:30:13,692
KRINGLE: [EVIL LAUGHING]
638
00:30:13,927 --> 00:30:16,763
Here comes Santa Claus.
639
00:30:16,788 --> 00:30:19,451
Here comes Santa Claus.
640
00:30:19,476 --> 00:30:23,599
Here comes Santa Claus.
641
00:30:23,624 --> 00:30:25,709
KRINGLE: Ho, ho, ho.
642
00:30:25,734 --> 00:30:27,206
- My God.
- Alright.
643
00:30:27,293 --> 00:30:28,425
Who still has ammo?
644
00:30:28,450 --> 00:30:29,935
- I'm out.
- Me, too.
645
00:30:29,960 --> 00:30:31,506
I have, uh, two bullets.
646
00:30:31,803 --> 00:30:33,413
KRINGLE: Ha!
647
00:30:33,570 --> 00:30:34,888
Okay, okay.
648
00:30:34,913 --> 00:30:36,865
We'll... we'll have to make do.
649
00:30:36,890 --> 00:30:38,678
Everyone, grab a weapon.
650
00:30:38,703 --> 00:30:40,287
KRINGLE: [EVIL LAUGHING]
651
00:30:40,312 --> 00:30:41,810
Chris Kringle's a lot more powerful
652
00:30:41,835 --> 00:30:45,990
than his helpers,
but maybe if we all strike at once,
653
00:30:46,015 --> 00:30:47,959
we'll have a chance.
654
00:30:49,094 --> 00:30:52,045
Weston can't even keep
his clip in his gun, alright?
655
00:30:52,070 --> 00:30:54,115
Ryan is sitting on his ass like a pud.
656
00:30:54,140 --> 00:30:55,365
Alright, give... give me this.
657
00:30:55,390 --> 00:30:56,565
Alright?
658
00:30:56,590 --> 00:30:57,647
- KRINGLE: Where are you?
- Scott,
659
00:30:57,671 --> 00:30:59,646
you really think we
can fend off that thing?
660
00:30:59,671 --> 00:31:01,020
And its Satan's Claws?
661
00:31:01,045 --> 00:31:02,568
It's gonna rip us to pieces.
662
00:31:02,593 --> 00:31:04,398
- We don't have a choice.
- Alright, well, listen,
663
00:31:04,422 --> 00:31:06,482
you know what?
I don't wanna get sliced up, alright?
664
00:31:06,507 --> 00:31:09,537
- I'm... I'm too pretty.
- Calm down, son.
665
00:31:09,562 --> 00:31:11,260
You're not helping the situation.
666
00:31:11,285 --> 00:31:13,880
Fine, you know what?
You guys go ahead and fight,
667
00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:16,212
alright? I'm gonna
take off this red suit
668
00:31:16,237 --> 00:31:18,396
- and pretend to be dead.
- There's a way.
669
00:31:20,639 --> 00:31:23,381
You actually gonna get
your ass up and help?
670
00:31:23,406 --> 00:31:26,467
KRINGLE: Santa's come to town.
671
00:31:29,112 --> 00:31:32,115
[EVIL LAUGHING]
672
00:31:35,091 --> 00:31:36,875
I've been saving these.
673
00:31:40,096 --> 00:31:41,123
Tell me that's cyanide.
674
00:31:41,148 --> 00:31:43,429
Please tell me that's cyanide,
'cause I am so drinking it.
675
00:31:47,064 --> 00:31:48,979
It's a metamorphosis potion.
676
00:31:49,004 --> 00:31:50,935
Allow you to change into
your therianthrope form
677
00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,763
and retain your human intellect.
678
00:31:53,696 --> 00:31:55,904
Where'd you get these?
679
00:31:57,027 --> 00:31:59,803
I've had these for a long time.
680
00:32:01,141 --> 00:32:02,849
How do you know they work?
681
00:32:03,452 --> 00:32:04,670
I know.
682
00:32:04,695 --> 00:32:06,740
KRINGLE: Ho, ho, ho, ho.
683
00:32:06,765 --> 00:32:08,638
I guess it can't hurt to try.
684
00:32:09,363 --> 00:32:11,724
KRINGLE: I will find you.
685
00:32:16,586 --> 00:32:18,896
KRINGLE: You can't hide from the Claus!
686
00:32:18,921 --> 00:32:21,928
I'm... I'm just... I'm
not a therianthrope,
687
00:32:21,953 --> 00:32:23,409
I'm just a furry.
688
00:32:23,434 --> 00:32:24,803
You're one of us.
689
00:32:24,828 --> 00:32:27,162
KRINGLE: Ho, ho, ho.
690
00:32:27,187 --> 00:32:29,029
How 'bout you?
691
00:32:29,880 --> 00:32:31,474
No.
692
00:32:33,145 --> 00:32:34,538
KRINGLE: Ah!
693
00:32:42,828 --> 00:32:45,045
KRINGLE: I've got presents.
694
00:32:45,203 --> 00:32:48,834
Okay, well, here goes nothing.
695
00:32:52,183 --> 00:32:53,619
Ah!
696
00:32:53,644 --> 00:32:55,990
KRINGLE: Ho, ho, ho.
697
00:32:56,015 --> 00:32:58,256
Time to die.
698
00:33:02,034 --> 00:33:06,717
[GROANING AND GRUNTING]
699
00:33:16,183 --> 00:33:18,583
I can still think.
700
00:33:19,602 --> 00:33:22,146
I can even talk.
701
00:33:23,027 --> 00:33:24,795
Here goes nothing.
702
00:33:32,095 --> 00:33:33,951
You look amazing.
703
00:33:35,438 --> 00:33:37,506
[PURRS AND GIGGLES]
704
00:33:37,531 --> 00:33:41,057
[SNORTING]
705
00:33:41,171 --> 00:33:42,412
What?
706
00:33:42,437 --> 00:33:44,529
There's still some frosting inside.
707
00:33:45,071 --> 00:33:47,248
I guess it's my turn. [GIGGLES]
708
00:34:00,415 --> 00:34:04,332
Well, shit, I don't even have
my damn hippo suit here.
709
00:34:04,450 --> 00:34:06,795
Well, at least give me the damn gun.
710
00:34:08,275 --> 00:34:10,060
[GIGGLING]
711
00:34:10,085 --> 00:34:11,693
Your turn.
712
00:34:13,467 --> 00:34:15,607
[PURRS]
713
00:34:16,293 --> 00:34:18,842
You'll be fine. [LAUGHS]
714
00:34:19,558 --> 00:34:21,084
Drink it.
715
00:34:21,109 --> 00:34:22,779
SCOTT: Hey, guys, hurry up, alright?
716
00:34:22,804 --> 00:34:24,318
Here comes Santa Claus.
717
00:34:32,429 --> 00:34:35,562
Oh. Ooh.
718
00:34:49,842 --> 00:34:51,779
ROBERT: [GROANS]
719
00:35:06,306 --> 00:35:09,834
[GROWLING]
720
00:35:12,835 --> 00:35:16,951
Hello, sexy. Rawr.
721
00:35:17,554 --> 00:35:20,601
Kringle is coming!
We don't have time for this.
722
00:35:20,626 --> 00:35:23,638
[GROWLING]
723
00:35:24,068 --> 00:35:25,990
Alright, let's do this.
724
00:35:26,015 --> 00:35:29,709
SANTAS: [YELLING]
725
00:35:30,723 --> 00:35:34,509
[GROWLING]
726
00:35:34,534 --> 00:35:37,349
[GROANING]
727
00:35:37,374 --> 00:35:40,551
[GUNSHOTS]
728
00:35:44,856 --> 00:35:47,772
You and Mrs. Santa Claus's too.
729
00:35:51,362 --> 00:35:52,929
[HOWLS]
730
00:35:52,954 --> 00:35:54,533
Ooh, Scott, incoming!
731
00:35:54,558 --> 00:35:56,310
[GRUNTS]
732
00:35:56,335 --> 00:35:57,754
Scott!
733
00:35:57,779 --> 00:35:59,041
[GLASS SHATTERS]
734
00:36:03,151 --> 00:36:05,685
Ahh!
735
00:36:08,417 --> 00:36:10,462
- [GROWLS]
- [HISSES]
736
00:36:10,487 --> 00:36:13,969
[GROWLING]
737
00:36:14,243 --> 00:36:18,021
[WHIMPERING]
738
00:36:20,809 --> 00:36:22,115
What?
739
00:36:22,140 --> 00:36:26,209
[GROWLING]
740
00:36:26,697 --> 00:36:29,351
[GROWLING]
741
00:36:29,752 --> 00:36:33,396
- Oh my God.
- [HISSES]
742
00:36:33,836 --> 00:36:35,273
Look at those claws.
743
00:36:35,298 --> 00:36:38,021
We're... we're not getting
out of here, guys.
744
00:36:42,706 --> 00:36:43,706
[WHIMPERING]
745
00:36:43,731 --> 00:36:45,776
[EVIL LAUGHING]
746
00:36:50,897 --> 00:36:52,635
Oh shit.
747
00:36:52,912 --> 00:36:54,943
Sa-sa-Santa.
748
00:36:55,544 --> 00:36:58,138
Please, help me.
749
00:37:00,901 --> 00:37:03,920
[GRUNTS]
750
00:37:06,615 --> 00:37:08,537
Oh, man.
751
00:37:08,562 --> 00:37:10,803
Oh God, pray for me.
752
00:37:20,448 --> 00:37:22,187
IRENA: Scott, what are you doing?
Are you crazy?
753
00:37:22,211 --> 00:37:25,381
Your reign of evil ends today, Kringle.
754
00:37:26,532 --> 00:37:29,230
Ha-ha-ha.
755
00:37:29,255 --> 00:37:31,803
- [GROANS]
- [GASPS]
756
00:37:33,100 --> 00:37:34,826
Holy shit!
757
00:37:37,627 --> 00:37:39,381
[GROWLS]
758
00:37:39,981 --> 00:37:43,854
Robert Weston, werewolf.
759
00:37:44,177 --> 00:37:45,935
You're on my list.
760
00:37:45,960 --> 00:37:47,599
[GROWLS]
761
00:37:47,624 --> 00:37:51,060
Irena Reed, were-cheetah.
762
00:37:51,284 --> 00:37:54,420
- Stay behind me.
- You're on my list, too.
763
00:37:54,445 --> 00:37:56,655
Wanna sit on Santa's lap, little girl?
764
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:58,974
[HISSES]
765
00:37:59,681 --> 00:38:01,842
What the hell are you?
766
00:38:02,121 --> 00:38:04,341
- You're bacon.
- [OINKING]
767
00:38:04,678 --> 00:38:06,317
Andy McDermott.
768
00:38:06,342 --> 00:38:07,763
I'm a were-boar.
769
00:38:07,788 --> 00:38:11,810
Yes, you're also on my list.
770
00:38:12,123 --> 00:38:14,506
Who is this naughty girl?
771
00:38:15,475 --> 00:38:17,912
Phyllis Lawanda Morisha Talena Allenbee.
772
00:38:17,937 --> 00:38:20,388
Am I on your stupid ass list, too?
773
00:38:20,733 --> 00:38:22,691
I do not believe so.
774
00:38:22,716 --> 00:38:24,053
No?
775
00:38:24,383 --> 00:38:26,298
Are you sure about that, fat man?
776
00:38:26,432 --> 00:38:28,146
I'll be happy to check it twice.
777
00:38:28,171 --> 00:38:29,688
Are you saying I'm not one of them?
778
00:38:29,713 --> 00:38:30,717
'Cause I am one of them.
779
00:38:30,742 --> 00:38:33,678
I am one of them... in my heart.
780
00:38:33,703 --> 00:38:36,107
- A giant sack of...
- Enough!
781
00:38:36,132 --> 00:38:38,935
[LAUGHING]
782
00:38:40,534 --> 00:38:42,927
[SIGHS] I'm tired, Kristofer.
783
00:38:45,068 --> 00:38:47,435
I've been running for far too long.
784
00:38:48,647 --> 00:38:51,365
Who are you, little human?
785
00:38:51,977 --> 00:38:55,366
RYAN: Here comes Santa Claus.
786
00:38:55,391 --> 00:38:58,394
Here comes Santa Claus.
787
00:38:59,981 --> 00:39:01,722
That voice.
788
00:39:01,747 --> 00:39:04,638
I know that voice.
789
00:39:04,663 --> 00:39:07,154
Yeah. Yeah, you do.
790
00:39:08,096 --> 00:39:10,724
I had a little work done to my face.
791
00:39:10,994 --> 00:39:14,513
You know, my human face.
792
00:39:17,346 --> 00:39:19,834
Think you're gonna recognize
this one, though.
793
00:39:27,488 --> 00:39:30,592
[GROWLING]
794
00:39:36,261 --> 00:39:37,713
Ah.
795
00:39:38,060 --> 00:39:41,271
[GROWLING]
796
00:39:42,781 --> 00:39:44,967
It's gonna be a merry fucking Christmas.
797
00:39:44,992 --> 00:39:48,318
I should have killed you, bastard.
You son of a bitch.
798
00:39:48,343 --> 00:39:51,467
I'm gonna slice you
into ribbons, you furry fuck!
799
00:39:53,220 --> 00:39:55,131
- Motherfucker.
- [GROWLING]
800
00:39:55,156 --> 00:39:57,942
Oh, you furry bastard,
I'm gonna kill you.
801
00:39:58,649 --> 00:40:00,259
I'm gonna skin you alive.
802
00:40:00,284 --> 00:40:02,895
[GROWLS]
803
00:40:05,633 --> 00:40:06,808
[HISSES]
804
00:40:06,833 --> 00:40:09,162
- [GROWLING]
- Furry fuck!
805
00:40:09,365 --> 00:40:11,912
I'm gonna send you... [GROWLING]
806
00:40:12,526 --> 00:40:13,935
Ahhh!
807
00:40:18,723 --> 00:40:20,420
[THUD]
808
00:40:25,553 --> 00:40:28,034
[HEAVY BREATHING]
809
00:40:28,059 --> 00:40:31,154
Am I on your list now, motherfucker?
810
00:40:31,694 --> 00:40:33,435
[SPLAT]
811
00:40:37,867 --> 00:40:39,521
You killed Kris Kringle.
812
00:40:39,546 --> 00:40:41,193
Damn easy, too.
813
00:40:41,218 --> 00:40:43,584
Why didn't you do that 5,000 years ago?
814
00:40:44,037 --> 00:40:45,276
I didn't know that was possible.
815
00:40:45,300 --> 00:40:47,346
That was... wow.
816
00:40:53,785 --> 00:40:55,656
Well... what happened?
817
00:40:55,845 --> 00:40:58,693
Phyllis killed Kringle.
818
00:40:59,384 --> 00:41:01,967
[CHUCKLES] You go, girl.
819
00:41:04,060 --> 00:41:05,490
Okay.
820
00:41:07,151 --> 00:41:09,284
You all fought bravely today.
821
00:41:09,567 --> 00:41:11,373
Even the pig.
822
00:41:12,133 --> 00:41:14,396
For your bravery,
you all have full control
823
00:41:14,421 --> 00:41:16,404
of your therianthrope powers.
824
00:41:17,071 --> 00:41:18,682
Y'all be able to transform at will,
825
00:41:18,707 --> 00:41:20,528
and maintain control of
your inner creatures.
826
00:41:20,553 --> 00:41:22,138
Hold on, wait a minute.
827
00:41:22,163 --> 00:41:23,185
How 'bout me?
828
00:41:23,210 --> 00:41:25,693
I am the one who killed
the jolly ol' bastard.
829
00:41:26,809 --> 00:41:29,246
Right. Um...
830
00:41:29,271 --> 00:41:31,482
I could turn you into a
werewolf if you'd like.
831
00:41:31,507 --> 00:41:33,865
Uh, these guys already offered me that.
832
00:41:33,890 --> 00:41:35,650
No, I don't wanna be
no turtle or no cheetah
833
00:41:35,675 --> 00:41:37,677
or no dumbass pig.
834
00:41:37,791 --> 00:41:39,358
No offense, Andy.
835
00:41:39,383 --> 00:41:41,124
Uh, none taken.
836
00:41:41,383 --> 00:41:44,310
My inner animal is a hippopotamus.
837
00:41:44,335 --> 00:41:46,076
That's what I wanna be.
838
00:41:46,101 --> 00:41:47,490
[SIGHS]
839
00:41:47,515 --> 00:41:50,357
I'm sorry, Phyllis,
those are the extent of my powers.
840
00:41:52,504 --> 00:41:54,185
But maybe.
841
00:41:55,541 --> 00:41:57,178
- Just maybe.
- Maybe what?
842
00:41:57,203 --> 00:41:58,683
I don't even know if this will work.
843
00:41:58,708 --> 00:41:59,897
It's a long shot. It really is.
844
00:41:59,921 --> 00:42:01,912
Spill the beans, Lon Chaney.
845
00:42:04,261 --> 00:42:06,307
Try sitting on Santa's lap.
846
00:42:06,643 --> 00:42:07,905
You serious?
847
00:42:07,930 --> 00:42:09,357
What? He has a lot of magic.
848
00:42:09,382 --> 00:42:11,732
Maybe there's some left.
It's worth a shot, right?
849
00:42:11,757 --> 00:42:14,263
Get... shu...
850
00:42:14,762 --> 00:42:16,459
You wanna be a hippopotamus?
851
00:42:20,983 --> 00:42:24,928
Um, okay, ooh, now what?
852
00:42:26,069 --> 00:42:27,854
Now make a Christmas wish, Phyllis.
853
00:42:27,879 --> 00:42:30,693
The most earnest and heartfelt
wish you've ever made.
854
00:42:37,798 --> 00:42:44,798
[MAGIC SHIMMERING]
855
00:43:02,384 --> 00:43:04,579
[SIGHS]
856
00:43:04,795 --> 00:43:06,100
Oooh!
857
00:43:08,657 --> 00:43:10,720
I'm sorry, Phyllis. I really am.
858
00:43:10,745 --> 00:43:12,363
I wish there was
something else I could do.
859
00:43:12,387 --> 00:43:15,110
- You deserve it.
- It's okay.
860
00:43:17,206 --> 00:43:18,720
Uh.
861
00:43:21,211 --> 00:43:24,102
ANDY: Holy fuck, Phyllis.
That's Lil Yachty.
862
00:43:31,770 --> 00:43:34,126
Come take you home,
make love to you all night, girl.
863
00:43:34,151 --> 00:43:38,641
But first, let's hit the bank
and get you that $100 million.
864
00:43:38,666 --> 00:43:40,211
Okay. [GIGGLES]
865
00:43:41,696 --> 00:43:43,882
You know, I killed some
of these motherfuckers.
866
00:43:45,915 --> 00:43:48,121
See ya next week! [LAUGHING]
867
00:43:51,846 --> 00:43:53,195
[GIGGLES]
868
00:43:55,546 --> 00:43:59,253
Would you... would you, um,
maybe wanna get a cup of coffee?
869
00:43:59,803 --> 00:44:02,386
No, thanks though.
870
00:44:03,593 --> 00:44:04,937
Instead,
871
00:44:04,962 --> 00:44:07,629
why don't you just come to my apartment?
872
00:44:07,986 --> 00:44:11,078
I have a leash and a king-sized bed.
873
00:44:12,290 --> 00:44:15,886
To be fair,
most people have king-sized beds.
874
00:44:16,395 --> 00:44:19,253
It's a California king.
875
00:44:20,784 --> 00:44:22,960
I don't know the difference.
876
00:44:23,837 --> 00:44:25,323
[LAUGHS] Let me show you.
877
00:44:25,591 --> 00:44:27,268
ANDY: Oh man.
878
00:44:43,550 --> 00:44:46,690
_
879
00:44:50,139 --> 00:44:52,664
[LAUGHING]
880
00:44:54,167 --> 00:44:57,167
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
62082
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