Original subtitles

These houses all look the same to me.

That's because they are all the fucking same!

Is it me or is it the Telegraph crossword?

Is what you or the Telegraph crossword?

Getting difficult. Is it getting more difficult to do,

or is my ability to do it lessening?

Probably a bit of both, Freddie.

It can't be "anal," can it?

No, dear. Not in theTelegraph.

Your handwriting is a disgrace. I can hardly read this, can I?

Is this the address what he give ya?

Yeah, that's what it says. It's where we picked him up!

You want some of this? Yeah. Knob head!

[ Doorbell Ringing ] [ Mutters ] Who on earth can that be at this time?

- I'll go, dear. - No, no, no, no. I'll get it.

[ Chuckles, Sighs ]

I'm afraid you've got the wrong house.

And how would you know that then? I've told you.

Now take your foot out of the door, or I shall have to call the police.

Listen up, Major. We've come to see Stanley Kubrick.

There's no one of that name here.

Good night. Who are you? The butler?

No, I'm not the bloody butler.

Go and tell your master, Mr. Kubrick, that we have come to see him.

- Mr. who? - Kubrick. The famous film director.

Never heard of him.

Stanley's been a frequenter of a club...

what we and some associates run over in the Kings Cross, right?

He's run up a bloody big bar bill of 200 quid last Thursday,

and he borrowed 100 in Nelson's.

- Nelson's? - Nelson Eddy's.

Readies. Cash, squire. Cash.

It's what the poor people use instead of credit cards. Do you savvy?

There's no man of that name here,

and there are no readies nor Nelson Eddy's.

- So-- - Ow!

We know he lives here! Right, enough of this.

We know he lives here, 'cause we've picked him up from here!

Steven, if you please.

[ Crashing ] [ Gasps, Screams ]

He owes us money, he does! [ Indistinct Shouting ]

For the last time, button it, you two! Right.

[ Sirens Wailing ]

[ Quiet Chattering ]

[ Bartender ] Good evening, sir, madam.

Would you like a light? Yes, please.

Right. Coming up.

[ Chattering Continues ]

What a wonderful drawing and such an innovative design.

Good designs are as rare today as good film scripts.

Please believe me.

Are they? Mm-hmm.

Would you mind if I joined you?

Uh, please.

Thank you. That's very kind.

I've been at the film studios in a production meeting all day.

I just had to have a drink on the way home.

Just had to. Would you?

No, not just now. Thanks.

May I? Yes, please.

Are these your designs?

Yes. I've just put together a new collection.

I'm very impressed. It's very... original.

Now that is a charming suit.

I'd be very proud to wear a suit like that.

You must be very successful.

Well, I've, um--

I've got some designs being considered by a knitwear company in Huddersfield.

And there's a boutique in Brighton who are very interested in my jackets.

Oh, and there's a man in Margaret Street who--

who thinks my trousers are so exciting.

- He does? - Yes, he just loves them.

And so he should, my friend. So he should.

- I'm sorry. What is your name? - I'm Rupert. Rupert Rodnight.

And I'm quite exceptionally pleased to meet you, Rupert.

Good. Thank you.

Uh, I didn't catch your name.

Stanley.

Stanley.

Stanley Kubrick.

- Stanley Kubrick? - Mm-hmm.

Stanley Kubrick, the film director?

Yes, unless there is another one.

There you are, Stanley. Another treble brandy.

Thanks. You are a sweetie.

And I'll reciprocate this kindness...

as soon as I've been to the bank...

and sorted out all those damned stolen credit cards.

It's not a problem. Honestly. But it is.

Such graciousness cannot go unrecognized.

Do you know, I've never designed the costumes for a film before.

I mean, any film.

You know, this portfolio of yours convinces me that only you could do it.

So I think this is gonna be the happiest relationship...

I've ever had with a costume designer.

You haven't told me the title yet.

It's catchy. It's called Designer Death.

It's about a male model who stumbles upon a murder.

And designing his wardrobe is what I want you to do.

We shoot on location and at Pinewood Studios.

But you have to be with me the whole time.

It's a challenge. Mmm.

No. The whole time.

[ Laughs ]

♪ [ Swing ]

Sorry, but I feel so much more relaxed now.

Can I get you another spritzer?

Oh, no, no. I've still got some left.

Oh, it's such a nice apartment.

And very cheap.

My people have rented it for me under an assumed name,

so I could be nearer to the studio I'm building in Wealdstone.

But, Rupert, you mustn't tell a soul about that. You mustn't.

Oh, no, no. It's an absolute secret with me.

I knew it would be.

Now we're working, of course, very feverishly on the script.

But I have to get you a work copy...

so you can start designing for our specific scenes.

By the way, do you have an agent?

No. No, I've, um, always handled myself.

I used to handle myself,

but now I prefer letting someone else do it.

You don't always have the choice, do you?

Hmm. We don't always have the choice.

I'm gonna take you under my wing.

I'm gonna make sure that nobody handles you...

except myself.

Ahh.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

[ Knocking ]

I need to speak to Mr. Kubrick!

I want to see Mr. Kubrick!

[ Doorbell Buzzes ] You're not going to escape this time! I need to talk to you!

I want the justice and satisfaction that is due to me!

How can you abuse me like that?

Come outside, Stanley Kubrick! [ Siren Wailing ]

Come outside! All right, sir. Come along with us.

I want to see him now! Now, now. Calm down.

Yes. We understand, sir. Now get in the car.

[ Shouting Continues ]

He alone was going to finance and produce my Virginia Woolf.

I turned all the other backers away.

I told my friends, the cast,

"Mr. Kubrick's behind me."

Where to now?

[ Chattering ]

♪ [ "Also Sprach Zarathustra" ]

[ Bottle Shatters ]

[ Train Whistle Blows ] [ Rupert ] Yes, I'm a personal friend.

Yes, a personal friend of Stanley Kubrick's.

I need to contact him.

The number I have for his home, it seems to be out of order or something.

♪ [ "The Blue Danube Waltz" ]

How could you not have heard of him? He's a famous film director.

Yeah, 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Um, uh, The Shining.

Uh, what else? Dr. Strangelove.

Clockwork Orange!

Full Metal Jacket. Come on.You must have heard of that.

[ Man ] So the band's playing this gig up in Camden.

This guy comes up to me and starts trying to tell me how good they are.

The he tells me who he is.

Stanley Kubrick, the film director.

Stanley fuckin' Kubrick! Fuck me!

Exactly. Amazing!

So, anyway, we get chattin', and Stanley says how he could help us.

You know, help the band.

Who'd have thought Stanley Kubrick was into heavy metal then?

He said, "When's the next gig?" So I told him about this one at the Roxxy.

And he wanted to come? Right.

So I said we'd pick him up, ferry him out there.

He's got a big apartment in Little Venice.

That's where we're collecting him from. Pretty smart address.

The guy's loaded.

But more important than that, he's got the contacts.

Well, you see, normally I'd have this address in Belgravia.

And what I do usually is the people I was meeting--

very important people--

I'd give them this address,

and they'd come by to pick me up at a very specific time, you see?

And when they got there,

I'd be sitting on the front steps, pretty as a picture.

You see?

That always worked.

[ Chattering ]

Nothing here now, dear.

They thought it was my house. Simple.

But then the neighborhood started to go downhill--

Arabs, blacks, all sorts of riffraff.

Well, obviously, I couldn't find myself associated with those people.

So I decided to find somewhere a little more "media-ish."

See? A little more me.

Little Venice.

♪ [ "The Blue Danube Waltz" ]

You didn't tell him that you used to make a few bob...

flogging pirate tapes of Clockwork Orange up at Camden, did ya?

Shut up, Toby.

See any numbers?

I'll slow down, have a squint.

Hey.

[ Doors Opening, Closing ]

Fuck me.

He'll probably invite us up for drinks.

I've never met anyone like Stanley Kubrick before.

Wow!

It's flat "A."

Right. Flat "A."

Gentlemen! Over here!

Here I am! Over here!

You simply must forgive me.

You simply must.

I've been talking over old creative differences with Marlon.

The trouble with Marlon is he thinks he's Brando.

He would not let me go. Simply wouldn't.

That's all right, Stanley. Good to see ya.

Very good to see you, Spencer. Very good indeed.

This here's Toby. He's the co-manager of Exterminating Angels.

We work at it together.

Very good to see you, Toby.

Very pleased to meet you, Mr. Kubrick.

Stanley, please.

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Toby ] So, what film you workin' on now, Stan?

It is a science fiction comedy drama love affair caper movie...

set-- set in the future.

Sounds great. What's it called?

All-night Prescriptions.

Wacky title-- All-night Prescriptions.

So, who have you got in it, Stan?

[ Chuckles ] I've still got the casting to do.

Madonna wants in, but I told her, "Madonna"--

I told her, "Madonna, darling, stick to the day job.

[ Laughs ] The singing."

Jack Nicholson wants in too, but I said to him,

"Jack, you know what the protocol is.

I've got to offer it to Harrison Ford first."

And little Tommy Cruise would like a part,

and I said to him, "Perhaps,"

over breakfast this morning at the Savoy.

Fucking Jesus! Some lineup, Stan!

Now, boys, in this next movie,

a metal rock group plays a very important part.

That is where Exterminating Angels comes in.

I need an unknown group...

but one that possesses star quality.

Exterminating Angels are your lads, Stanley.

They've got everything it takes.

[ Rupert ] Well, then, you should listen then, shouldn't you?

Well, I presume that's what you're supposed to do, or am I mistaken?

I am a personal friend of Stanley Kubrick!

Yes, that's who I am! Right.

And one word from Mr. Kubrick, and you'd be out of a job, you stupid little man!

[ Groans ] [ Phone Beeps ]

♪ [ Humming ]

Back in a jiffy, boys.

♪ [ Humming Continues ]

We've got it fucking made! I know.

I can actually see Exterminating Angels becoming a phenomenon.

That's for sure. If we haven't got phenomena potential, I don't know who has.

Have either of you boys got any cash on you?

I seem to have left my laser platinum...

no-limit American Express V.I.P. card at home.

Sure, Stan. How much do you want?

Oh, enough for some cigarettes and a drop of vodka for my throat irritation.

Here's 20. Keep the change.

Rich people never have any cash on them, do they? I mean, it's vulgar.

They don't. But that, Toby, my old son,

has got to be the best fuckin' 20 quid...

we've ever invested in our whole fuckin' lives!

- Fuckin' Stanley fuckin' Kubrick. - [ Toby, Indistinct ]

It's all right. It's all--

Either of you boys crave a taste?

No, it's all right, Stan. Not while I'm at the wheel.

[ Man Announcing ] All the way from Acton, West London,

the one and only Exterminating Angels!

- [ Whooping ] - [ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Growls ]

♪ [ Heavy Metal ]

♪ [ Vocalizing ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

♪ [ Singing, Indistinct ]

Boys, I believe Exterminating Angels...

will become a coast-to-coast sensation in America.

But we've got to be careful how we play it,

because you do not get a second chance...

to make a first impression on the great American public.

You fuckin' arsehole! I knew I'd catch up with you one day!

- You fuckin' great dog turd! - Hold on!

You've had it! You have terminally fuckin' had it!

You're well out of order. Oh, yeah? Let me at him!

We're not having anyone talking like that to our guest!

"Our guest"? Oh, and pray tell why on earth fucking not?

Because he's our fucking guest.

'Cause he's Stanley fucking Kubrick. That's why.

No, he fucking ain't! He ain't Stanley Kubrick!

He's a fucking con man called Alan Conway,

and he owes my band 200 fuckin' quid what he swindled out of us!

- What? - Let me at that miserable fucker!

I'm gonna drag him out! [ Continues, Indistinct ]

You gotta be fuckin' joking! Get him!

Fuck!

You wanker! You fucker, Conway!

Never had a famous film director in my cab before.

Well, thank you for a very pleasant chat.

Now, Deepak, you know, you've got my number,

so there's no excuse not to call.

My idea is we'll start you off on some stand-in work...

and then gravitate towards some small speaking roles.

Oh, over the moon, I am.

Now, you'll need to wait for me a couple of minutes.

I'm gonna run in and borrow some cash off my son.

But I'm going to leave here in the back...

my Louis Vuitton shoulder bag--

which Louis himself personally gave me-- for your peace of mind.

There's no need to do that, mister. I insist.

Okay.

♪ [ "William Tell Overture" ]

You say he was ordinary looking, average height,

and to that we can add that he calls himself Stanley Kubrick.

He cost me 40 quid. Forty fucking quid!

Okay, sir. Now, we can go all formal...

and you can give us a statement.

And while you're doing that,

I'll get one of my P.C.'s to verify the road worthiness of your vehicle,

or we can call it a night.

Gaandu!

[ Woman ] ♪ I wanna marry a lighthouse keeper and keep him company ♪

♪ I wanna marry a lighthouse keeper and live by the side of the sea ♪

♪ [ Continues ] You know, Sean, I don't mind you staying here,

but you really must learn how to tidy up after yourself.

And I do not like your dirty knickers and socks in the kitchen sink.

There's a launderette down the road.

Yeah, keep your wig on, Stanley.

- Hey, did you see this here in the paper? - What in the paper?

About this serial gay killer who's gone all over London killing shirtlifters.

No. What about him?

Well, it says here he murdered someone last night over in Tennyson Road.

Tennyson Road? But that's just at the end here.

You got any fairies at the bottom of your garden?

- No. - Perhaps he might be paying you a visit next.

What's the world coming to, eh,

when a bloke can't go around minding his own business,

committing acts against nature without running the risk of bumping into a homicidal maniac?

Too right.

I know him very well.

Of course, he left his calling card in 2001: A Space Odyssey,

but none of us recognized it.

2001? Yes. HAL the computer. Camp as a row of tents.

Positively Danny Debonair with that voice.

That's why he killed the astronaut--

wanted to be alone with the other beefcake.

Oh. What's he working on now-- Kubrick?

He's doing a remake of that Julie Christie film, Darling,

only she's a boy this time.

They wouldn't let John Schlesinger get away with that back in the 1960s.

Sounds captivating. It is, dear. Very captivating.

And I've got rather a juicy part in it,

so it'll be "good-bye, soaps" for moi.

Well, they do say in Hollywood...

the only way to the top is through the bottom.

♪ [ Techno ] [ Woman Squealing ]

- You're a friend of Stanley Kubrick's? - Where did you hear that?

- He's come here to see you dance, lad. - Really?

Come and meet Stan.

[ Crowd Whooping ]

I want to get into films though. I really do.

Well--

He's straight, but I think he'd be willing...

to advance his career.

I do like them straight.

That's the attraction, eh?

[ Siren Wailing ]

"Dear Mr. Kubrick,

"I would like to alert you to an impostor who uses your name, Stanley Kubrick,

"as a cover for his wicked actions.

"His real name is Alan Conway.

"I first met him in Marseille last year when I was working as a rent boy.

Conway wrecks people's lives and has no moral conscience."

All yours, my friend.

Now that'll be, um--

yep, £16.20.

And you won't mind a check, of course, Mordecai?

Oh, no, no. You live around the corner.

Advice.

Y-You were gonna give me some.

The amateur rock group, you know, that I manage.

Well, Mordecai, it's tricky, you see?

Rock is the single most treacherous area...

for the showbiz entrepreneur.

As a matter of fact, while I was in L.A.,

I had to sort out some rather sticky problems for Bruce.

- What? Bru-- - [ Whispers ] Springsteen.

Why don't you come round my house tomorrow evening, say 8:00-ish,

and we'll discuss it fully then.

Right. Gotcha. We'll be there.

[ Quiet Chattering ] Oh, there's Stanley.

Stanley! How are you?

How are you, Jasper?

Like you to meet Oliver, my lawyer.

Oliver, Stanley Kubrick.

A very great honor to meet you, Mr. Kubrick.

No. Stanley, please. You know, that "mister" puts years on me.

[ Laughs ] Yes. Surely.

Shall we repair to the salle privée where we can talk in private?

Show me the way to the salle privée.

Excellent.

Ziggy? Sir?

Bottle of champers. Coming up.

When you told me that you'd lost...

your limited-edition Mont Blanc pen that Tom Cruise had given you,

I thought that the very least I could do is to replace it.

Shall I open it?

Ooh!

Oh, my God! That is perfect!

That is absolutely perfect! Oh!

Oh, Jasper, I'm so "tiched."

You are too kind. Oh, I'm so pleased that you're pleased, Stanley.

Oh, it is wonderful. Look at that.

Oh! Do you have the receipt?

So, you're not feeling yourself?

He didn't say he wasn't feeling himself.

He said he wasn'thimself; he was somebody else.

Since when? And who?

He didn't say.

To me, he's Alan Conway. To you, he's Alan Conway.

Yes, but to him, he's not Alan Conway.

Well, who is he then?

What I said was, I'm not who you think I am.

Didn't I say that?

Alan Conway is merely a name I use when I'm here.

Not only here. In the shop also.

Here.

Here. When I'm here in Wealdstone.

When I'm staying here, hereabouts.

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Why is that then?

[ Sighs ]

I suppose at times I grow quite disgusted...

by the razzle-dazzle noise and glitz of showbiz.

And at times I must concentrate...

on what is truly important in my life--

my work--

and I must be undisturbed.

This is my hideaway,

my space for inner tranquility.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Very nice.

So who are you, if you're not Alan Conway?

I'm Stanley Kubrick, the film director.

Stanley-- Kubrick?

How long have you been him then?

I've always been him. I am him.

I'm also Shirley Bassey's agent,

which is why I was recently in the States.

And I was a child actor.

I played Pip in David Lean's Great Expectations.

[ Laughs ] I was also a holiday rep.

A big one.

All that, and he knows how to promote a rock group as well.

Mmm, such talent. [ Laughs ]

Tomorrow morning I have a meeting with Miss Elizabeth Taylor.

Mi-- We're endeavoring to raise some funds...

for the Betty Ford Clinic.

Oh. But I fear...

that the meeting is so early that my bank will be closed.

I was wondering if either of you could possibly cash a personal check for me this evening.

We-- Um, sure.

Thank you.

[ Conway ] What you're saying is it's this overdraft...

that prevents Jasper from opening further wine bars?

Correct. And this overdraft...

stands at £350,000?

354,500 to be precise.

And you're looking for me to act as guarantor for that sum?

Yes. Yes, that's an acceptable option for the bank.

- You'll be made a director, of course. - Sounds pretty simple to me.

Stanley, all my problems are solved if you do that.

There is no pro-- You know, Oliver,

if you can get the paperwork together,

I'll run it by my New York attorneys,

and we'll be ready to tango.

I'll do that tomorrow.

This time next year, we're gonna be opening wine bars in Paris, France.

Yes! Oh!

There's a problem with this pen.

Oh, dear. What seems to be the problem?

Well, the nib.

We can change it for you, sir.

Well, it's not just the nib. It's the pen itself.

It's so big and bulky. Makes my hand tired.

I'd like a refund. Certainly. You have the receipt?

Here it is.

Thank you.

Right. We can re-credit your VISA card.

I'll do it for you now. My VISA card?

You paid for it by VISA, and we'll simply re-credit your card.

No. But I want cash.

I'm afraid we don't do that here, sir.

Oh.

When I spoke with my attorney, Milton Greenberg in New York--

He says he was very happy with those papers.

There was no reason whatsoever not to sign them.

You'll be the guarantor until such time as Jasper has discharged you.

Which I estimate will be three to four years at max.

Mm-hmm. [ Banker ] The bank's perfectly happy.

They, uh, checked you out, Stanley, and you came up A-one okay.

I bet I did. I told the manager...

you're never to pay for anything whenever you come in.

Drinks, the food, everything's on the house from now on.

[ Giggles ]

And what is it, Stanley? What's the, uh-- the title?

It is 3001: A Space Odyssey.

Wow. And who have you got?

John Malkovich in the lead. John who?

He will redefine "astronaut." Redefine it.

But, of course, Warner Brothers says,

"But he's not big enough to carry this picture."

And I said, "Oh, really? Oh."

So now I've solved that.

How? How have you-- How have you solved it? It's simple.

Miss Elizabeth Taylor as mission control.

[ All Laughing ]

What was it Gore Vidal said? Vidal?

Oh, the thing about, "The only people who enjoy themselves in the theater...

are those who are already on the stage."

[ Laughs ] That was certainly true tonight.

Boy, was it ever.

Did you notice that gentleman behind us was asleep before the end of act one?

Yes. He'd wake up for the dialogue scenes.

As soon as the music would start, he'd go back into a confused slumber.

[ Woman ] We have to do the London stage.

[ Man ] Well, we got a good view of it. [ Woman ] Nothing up front.

Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me who these people are next to us?

Yes, yes. He's a journalist from the New York Times.

It's Frank Rich. He's a famous drama critic.

And that is, uh, Mrs. Frank Rich.

Thank you. You're welcome, Mr. Kubrick. It's a pleasure.

[ Rich ] It doesn't really refer to the theater,

at least not the American theater.

[ Laughs ]

I did not like what your newspaper wrote about me. Not at all.

I beg your pardon?

I said, I do not like what your newspaper wrote about me,

and I am not a recluse.

Yes. I guess a recluse wouldn't be coming into a restaurant like this now, would he?

And, uh, who are you?

I am Stanley Kubrick,

and I nearly sued your newspaper once.

And I have shaved off my beard off.

[ Whispers ] Stanley, we're gonna go.

Well, please sit down, join us. This is my wife, Alix.

Hello. How do you do?

Please sit down. I can't. I have my people waiting for me.

You're Frank Rich, aren't you? Yes.

Drama critic? Yes.

I'm Butch. Of course you are.

I've, uh, got a play I'd like you to read.

I want to be a playwright. Really?

You know, I've never heard that before.

Uh, so you've been to Sunset Boulevard?

Yes. Yes, we have.

Patti LuPone is a friend. She's the best thing in it.

The rest of the cast is shit. Frankly, they laid an egg.

Eight months, it closes.

I was invited to preview.

Are you working on another movie?

Yes. I'm in preproduction.

- How about an interview? - Mm-mmm. Do you know why?

Because I never give interviews.

This is a ring which Christian Dior gave to Helmut...

who gave it to me...

and now I give to you.

Thank you. That's very nice.

You're lovely.

Good night.

Wow!

Come on, Kubrick!

So was that really Stanley Kubrick, the director?

Well, I assume he's Stanley Kubrick,

but I couldn't swear on it.

[ Billiard Balls Clanking ]

[ Grunts ] [ Chattering ]

I know you.

You've appeared in one of my films, haven't you?

See, your face is so familiar.

I'm just trying to place which one it was.

Well, sit down and buy me a drink while you decide.

Buy you a drink? Mm-hmm.

Well, what do you drink?

Jack Daniel's. A large one.

Barman? Yes, sir?

A large Jack Daniel's, please, and another glass of mineral water.

Coming up.

So, you're a what? A real-life film producer then, eh?

Mmm.

Would you like a cigarette?

No, thanks. I don't smoke. But, you know, you go ahead.

Thank you.

So, would I have heard of you? I mean, would I have seen any of your films?

You may have. What's your name?

[ Whispering ] Stanley Kubrick.

Stanley Kubrick?

Fuck me. Stanley,

you are one of my favorite film directors of all time.

I mean that. I have seen all of your films.

I have loved every single one of them. Thank you.

This is unbelievable, an honor.

I mean, I've seen, uh, Spartacus, which was brilliant.

Lolita-- fantastic.

Dr. Strangelove. Um, Clockwork Orange.

Barry Lyndon.

What's it-- Uh, my favorite. This is my favorite-- Judgment at Nuremberg.

Mmm, yes.

It's odd that you say that. That was quite a difficult film to make for me.

Very difficult. I had loads of problems.

But, of course, it all worked out well in the end.

Absolutely. Yes, it did. That is amazing.

That is just amazing.

Do you know what amazes me most about that is-- is that--

you know, that it was directed by Stanley Kramer.

Not Stanley Kubrick.

Oh, dear. You've got your Stanleys in a twist, haven't you?

Eh? Listen, mate.

Let me give you a little bit of advice here.

If you're gonna come in here pretending to be someone that you're not,

then at least do us the courtesy...

of doing a little bit of research, okay?

I found one.

Good, 'cause there isn't a single photo in any of these Who's Whos.

In this one, he's got a beard.

Yeah, but he did say he's "shaved off his beard off," didn't he?

Right. Oh. When was this taken?

About 1971.

Doesn't look a thing like that guy. Not a thing.

Got a tip off about this Kubrick impostor.

Go on. And the story was right up my street.

Kubrick himself has got a problem here.

In order to get an injunction out against Conway,

he has to prove that Conway is impersonating him.

But to do that, he's got to get some people to stand up in court...

and admit they were conned.

Stanley. Why, it's bad enough being had by someone.

I mean, you wouldn't want to tell the whole world about it, would you?

I wouldn't.

C-Cooperation?

What sort of cooperation are we talking about here then?

Full statements from each of you to begin with, and we'll need to call you in as witnesses.

Hold on. I don't mind helping you as much as I can.

But I can't go to court. It'll be in the papers, and everyone will know.

Yeah. I can't afford that either. No way.

They'll think Spencer and me are a couple of poofs.

No offense, but you know what I mean.

Actually, I have no idea what you mean.

I've got a cab office to run and a corner shop.

[ Man Narrating ] Stanley had called me to say that his son had died in a car accident.

He said he wanted me with him at this terrible moment.

When I told him I could only afford to come for a few days,

he told me he needed me with him for the foreseeable future.

Here you go. Thank you, sir.

And even beyond that to the part of the future we couldn't foresee.

Thanks.

He then offered to pay off the balance of an apartment I owned in Marseille.

[ Man ] Sorry, mate.

[ Narrator Continues ] Which I'd been rehabbing with two dear friends of mine.

He told me to bring their bank details...

and he would have his attorney handle it immediately.

He also said his driver, Manolo,

would be at the airport to whisk me off in his white Jaguar.

[ Buzzing ] He wasn't.

My client, as you know, has lost many thousands of pounds as a result of this impostor,

and his standing with the two banks in question is in some doubt.

Nevertheless, for reasons which I think you will readily appreciate...

we cannot go further and appear in an action which will then expose him to public ridicule--

[ Crying ] for having been taken in by this con man.

Not even if it means that it stops Conway doing the same thing to others?

Mm-mmm. Not even.

I see. [ Sniffles ]

Oh, Stanley.

Huh! [ Sobs ]

I admit it.

I admit it! I knew you weren't. I just knew it.

[ Muffled Shouts ]

I'm not Stanley Kubrick. I'm Alan Conway!

Alan Conway, one of life's great failures.

Piers, you must forgive me.

All that about having a son who was killed in a car accident?No, Piers.

I suppose that's all lies and bullshit too, isn't it? Please.

Please. Piers, I would've said anything to get you here.

Please, you must forgive me. You fucked over my friends in Marseille!

I gave up my apartment there. I used my savings to come over here.

My bridges are all burned, and you-- you ask me to forgive you.

Piers, please, you must forgive me. You have to.

Forgive a disaster queen like you? Yes.

No fucking chance. Aah! Piers!

[ Groans ]

[ Crying ] Piers!

[ Groans ] I genuinely need you!

I've never had such genuine feelings for anyone who--

I've never felt something so big inside me.

I mean, I've-- Feelings for someone else so big in me--

really, really-- it's as if I have to try to escape myself.

Whenever I go to somewhere nice like New York or...

Benidorm or-- [ Mutters ]

or Rio,

who is the first person there to greet me?

It's Alan Conway!

I'm only trying to escape myself.

That's why I have to pretend to be someone else.

Please don't go, Piers. Please.

I thought we had something.

I really did. No!

Don't. Piers, you mustn't go, please.

[ Piers Scoffs ] Get the--

Piers, please.

Ah, Piers.

You see, I thought I could be myself with you.

Ah, Jesus. I thought you could help me.

I thought I could help you.

I thought we had a future.

[ Man ] ♪ I'm not the man you think I am ♪

♪ I'm not that kind of guy ♪

♪ Beneath this sleek exterior ♪

♪ There's less than meets the eye ♪

♪ I'm just what you've been looking for ♪

♪ Your wildest dream come true ♪

♪ I'm not the man you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man for you ♪

♪ I'm not the man you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man ♪

♪ For you ♪

[ Seagull Squawks ]

What happened to you happened to a very dear friend of mine, you know.

He didn't eat properly. Just the booze and the drugs. Then one day--

[ Snaps ] he just collapsed.

See, your body can only take so much abuse.

The body? Abuse?

Sounds interesting.

Hmm. But we're not gonna let it happen again, are we?

We're going to eat regularly. We're going to reduce our alcohol intake.

Let's see.

Mm-hmm.

You're used to having stiff things in your mouth then?

They don't stay stiff for long.

I'm being discharged tomorrow then?

After sir has seen you and not before.

You wouldn't care to join me at my hotel tomorrow night, would you?

You're so forward.

I thought you'd never ask.

No, you see, because Alan Conway...

is merely my nom de travel.

Life is much easier sailing under that nom,

because then I'm not bothered and hassled by people.

- Mm-hmm. - Which is very important for a man in my position.

Hmm. So what shall I call you then? Shall I call you Alan or Stanley?

[ Scoffs ] You see, people who know me--

simpatico people--

they always call me Stanley, of course.

[ Chortles ] Well, knock me over with a sponge dildo.

It's amazing. I mean, it's just--

it's just staggeringly amazing.

Well, at times, I just have to get away from the glitz and glamour of showbiz--

away from the jet set, the servants,

the kiss-ass creeps.

You see? I-- I have to stay in touch with the common man.

Mm-hmm. The common folk.

The salt of the earth. Mm-hmm.

The unwashed, the unloved, the unwanted,

the unknown,

the unattractive.

Sounds like a full-time job to me. [ Chuckles ]

But... it's not already time for your party, is it?

Yes. Yes, it is. Come on then.

I knew Lee Pratt before he was famous, when he came down here to play all the clubs.

I met him on the scene. Very active, you know.

Although none of his audience know that.

They all think he's as straight as an arrow.

I saw his television show once on... television.

You know, I nearly cast him in one of my films. I'll tell him that.

His head'll get even bigger. He's the biggest praise queen I know.

[ Chattering ] So, Stanley, what do you think of the house then?

Isn't it amazing?

Hello. John, how are you? Nice to see you.

[ Mutters ] That's my friend Stanley Kubrick.

Ah, right. Would you like some bubbly and, uh--

Oh, thanks. ♪ [ Man Singing, Indistinct ]

Thank you. Would you like to go on in?

Come on in, Stanley. I'd like you to meet my friend Stanley Kubrick.

Oh, really? Stanley, how nice to see you.

- [ Chattering ] - Look there.

♪ Outside my door

- ♪ Hello - Ah, look.

♪ Is it me you're looking for ♪

♪ I can see it in your eyes

♪ I can see it in your smile

♪ You're all I've ever wanted

♪ My arms are open wide

♪ 'Cause you know just what to say ♪

♪ And you know just what to do ♪

♪ I want to tell you so much ♪

♪ I love you

♪ Tell me how to win your heart ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I haven't got a clue ♪ - [ No Audible Dialogue ]

♪ But let me start by saying ♪

♪ I love you ♪

Stan the man!

The United States of America has defeated me.

Totally defeated me. Isn't that right, Norman?

That's right, Lee. Uh, defeated you.

[ Lee ] There's been lots of British entertainers gone out there--

- Hmm. - who were great, talented people.

Great entertainers, you know. Big stars, much loved. You know, like me.

But, you know, they've all been made as welcome as a radioactive dog turd.

Nothing radioactive about our Lee. [ Grunts ]

Lee, you see, over here in this country...

you have a greater appeal with the lower-working middle classes.

And the mistake you made is assuming-- Hmm.

that the same groups are gonna like you over there.

You see, you pitched yourself too low.

Mm-hmm. Lee, you're a Vegas performer. Vegas!

- Vegas? - Vegas is where you belong!

Do you hear what I'm saying?

- Vegas! - Las Vegas.

Right, Las Vegas. But it all has to be managed right.

- Mmm! - It all has to be carefully coordinated.

We have to contour you...

with the shape of the American media.

You see? We've got--

Look, Moe Greenbaum...

at the Sands Hotel is an old school chum of mine.

We go way back. He knows how to handle this.

You know people like that?

It's not what you know butwho you know, right?

- Wha-- - I mean, you could be bigger than Elvis.

Bigger than Jesus, lad.

Can you imagine how big Jesus would be if only he'd played the guitar?

Hmm.

To Vegas.

Vegas. Lee, let me teach you a little something.

- Repeat after me: Maître d'. - Maître d'.

- Lock the door. - Lock the door.

No one's goin' home tonight!

No one is a-goin' home a-tonight!

- Vegas. - What the fuck's a maître d'?

[ Tom Jones ] Now let me ask you somethin'.

Have you ever felt that you weren't responsible for the things that you do...

when the girl that you are with is just too much?

She is so out of sight, baby, that all you can say is,

"Well, all right!"

♪ I'm not responsible ♪

♪ Not responsible ♪

♪ For anything I do when I'm with you ♪

I'm going to have to edit this very carefully for an American audience.

Well, that's my 12 basic English routines,

and this is me loose material, what I call me pick-and-mix file.

Very expensive, dear.

Very expensive.

Well, I'm sure it's not all money gone to waste.

I'm going to have my man in New York, Shecky Greene,

send me the work scripts...

of all the top comics and singers in America.

Grand. Just grand.

The other night when we met, gentlemen,

I said to myself, "Stanley, either you can press ahead...

with the remake of Otto Preminger's Samson and Delilah,

or you can lend a helping hand...

to a British comedian who needs a stateside break.

Well, if you can't lend a hand to a close friend, then who can you lend it too?

I seem to have run out of vodka.

Oh.

Here we go.

Here's to Las Vegas.

And here is to Lee Pratt, the British singer-comedian...

who's gonna set the States on fire.

And here's to my friend, the famous film director and fixer, Stanley Kubrick.

I'll drink to that.

♪ I'm not responsible ♪ Vegas.

♪ It's impossible to be so very near ♪

♪ And not feel part of you ♪

♪ You've got such a hold on me ♪

♪ You make it seem so easy but it's true ♪

♪ Oh, yeah I get such a happy feeling ♪

♪ Knowing that you feel the same way too ♪

♪ Whoa, baby ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ I'm not responsible ♪

♪ Not responsible ♪ Hello.

♪ When you can make a man do what you want him to ♪[ Chattering ]

♪ I'm not responsible ♪

♪ It's impossible to be so very near ♪

♪ And not know what to do ♪ Stanley Kubrick, the, uh-- [ Continues, Indistinct ]

♪ You've got such a hold on me ♪

♪ You make it seem so easy but it's true ♪

♪ Oh, yeah I get such a happy feeling ♪

♪ Knowing that you feel the same way too ♪

♪ I get such a happy feeling ♪

♪ Knowing that you feel the same way too ♪

♪ Believe me, baby ♪ Ah, here we are.

♪ In the midnight hour ♪ Compliments of the hotel.

Very nice. ♪ You better believe me Whoa-oa-oa ♪

There we are, Stanley. If you're ever short of inspiration, just look out across that bay.

I nearly once made a film here.

Oh, you hear that, Cyril? Stanley could've put you on the international map.

Well, I hope Mr. Kubrick will reconsider that film.

- [ Laughs ] - If he does, it'll have to star our Lee.

Oh, yes. I left my heart in Devon, eh? I Left My Heart In Devon.

[ Chuckles ] Very good, Mr. Pratt.

Hmm. Thank you, Cyril.

Now, Cyril, Mr. Kubrick is my special guest.

- I want you to look after him the way you look after me. - Certainly, Mr. Pratt.

Yes, anything Mr. Kubrick wants, Mr. Kubrick should have.

Of course, Mr. Pratt.

I once had controlling interest in a hotel on Fifth Avenue in New York.

But it wasn't as nearly well run as here.

Thank you, Mr. Kubrick. Thank you.

Well, luvvies, I've got a show to produce.

Stanley, if you need me, I'll be just down the end of the corridor.

Well, I have to run and call Shecky and start on these work scripts.

Las Vegas. Here we come.

♪ [ Band ]

♪ Bright-light city gonna set my soul ♪

♪ Gonna set my soul on fire ♪

♪ Got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn ♪

♪ So get those stakes up higher ♪

♪ There's a thousand pretty women waitin' out there ♪

♪ And they're all livin' devil may care ♪

♪ And I'm just a devil with love to spare ♪

♪ I said Viva Las Vegas ♪

♪ Viva Las Vegas

♪ Viva Las Vegas

♪ Viva, Viva ♪

♪ Las Vegas

♪ There's a thousand pretty women waitin' out there ♪

♪ And they're all livin' devil may care ♪

♪ And I'm just a devil with love to spare ♪

♪ So Viva Las Vegas ♪

♪ Viva Las Vegas

♪ Viva, Viva

♪ Las Vegas

[ Cheering ]

I-- I tell you, I don't know what happened last night.

It must've been the seafood at lunchtime.

But you're all right now?Oh, perfect. Never felt better.

Rarin' to go. Oh, great, Stanley, great.

Now, gentlemen, listen. Last night I spoke with Shecky in New York.

I said, "Shecky, you gotta be ready to get on the first plane out to Vegas."

Also, he's meeting Moe there. I fully briefed the both of them.

I told 'em, "Gentlemen, I want an absolutely up-to-date report...

on everything that's happening in every hotel and theater."

Vegas-- I can't believe it.

What schedule are you thinking about then, eh?

I take your point, Norman. Here's my thinking at present.

A: We need a lot of lead time for publicity.

B: Selected personal appearances before opening.

- What have we got in the book, then, Norm? - Eh, slack season.

You're resting. Apart from opening a hospice in Wolverhampton,

a charity night in Preston, and, uh, taking your mum on holiday.

Hmm.

Well, fuck the hospice, fuck the charity,

and Mum's always wanted to do Vegas.

[ Chuckles ] Now, gentlemen, I may have to fly out ahead...

and make sure everything goes smoothly.

But, Norman, I want to tell you, I'm making my executive jet available.

Handsome. Just handsome.

No calls to New York or Vegas from Mr. Kubrick's suite then?

Hmm? No, none.

But most of our guests prefer the use of their personal mobile telephones.

[ Typing ]

That's... quite interesting.

[ Knocking ]

Come in. [ Door Opens ]

[ Clattering ]

Shall I leave it here, sir, as it is, or shall I prepare the table?

[ Sighs ] Just leave it there, garçon, and I'll help myself.

That is the double helping of coq au vin, isn't it? Yes, it is, sir.

And, uh, my bottle of vodka?

Yes, sir. Mmm, lovely.

- And the, uh, cigarettes. I can't see the cigarettes. - The cigarettes?

Yes. I ordered a carton of 200 cigarettes. Where might they be?

I'll fetch them for you right away, sir. Young man, um,

once upon a time, I was directing a film called Spartacus,

and there was a very young Miss Kirk Douglas...

playing the title role.

And one day, the waiter forgot to bring...

Miss Kirk Douglas hercigarettes.

And Miss Douglas, being the shit that she is-- [ Shouts ] fired him!

That waiter never worked in Hollywood again.

How very tragic, sir.

Hmm.

♪ [ Band ]

His number one fan.

Another schooner of sherry, I think, Lee.

You leave that to me, Mrs. V. Gargoyle!

[ Man ] Yes, sir? Can we have another "schoonery" thing of Cypress for Mrs. V?

Two large schooners of Cypress. We've not even ordered starters yet. Tell you what.

- You're the best cheerleader anyone could ever wish for. - Ahh.

- Yeah, she's worth her weight in gold lamé. - Gold lamé.

She's like a mother to me, you know. A mother.

Someone you can always rely on.

Tell me, Mr. Cute Prick.

Kubrick.

Lee tells me you're going to make him very famous in the United States of America.

- That's the plan. - Lee says you make pictures.

Films. Yes, I do.

Have you ever made any films with anyone famous?

You know, film stars, Mr. Kubrick.

Uh, Kirk Douglas.

James Mason.

Greta Garbo.

Um, Ava Gardner.

Um, Annette, uh, Funicello.

So you've never made any Carry Onfilms then?

Uhh, no.

Well, then, dear, you've got something to look forward to then, haven't you?

Well, that's me. That's me done.

I'm up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire.

Oh, my God. And you, Mrs. Vitali.

That was a lovely meal.

We must come here again.

Oh, that we will. Come on.

[ Farting ] Oh! [ Cackling ]

Oh, she's a one, isn't she? [ Quietly ] Fucking hell.

Where are you going then?

Just going.

I thought that seeing as all the hospitality...

you've enjoyed courtesy of Lee,

that when his number one fan came down,

you might like to show your gratitude by paying the bill yourself.

Seems to me the least you could do in the circumstances, old son.

Thank you very much, sir.

Thank you very much.

Norman,

that is-- that is a wonderful idea.

Let me see.

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Cyril ] Oh, Mr. Pratt.

I'm sorry to call you down so late.

That's all right, Cyril. We weren't asleep, were we?

No, all is well with the world. The concerts are sold out, completely sold out.

Viva Las Vegas.

It's about... Mr. Kubrick.

Stan the man.

This afternoon, after Mr. Kubrick left his room...

to visit the Starlight Spa and Sauna in our basement,

Maria-Theresa, a most trustworthy Filipino cleaner--

[ Sighs ] and I cannot tell you how hard they are to get--

went to his room to do the cleaning...

and discovered a number of magazines on the courtesy bar.

Well, let's hope it was Celebrity Monthly, featuring me.

These magazines featured young men--

naked young men performing explicit acts...

upon each other...

and in groups.

The sort of acts, I believe, that were popular in Sodom and Gomorrah.

Brighton and Hove, you mean.

They were havin' a gay old time.

Maria-Theresa, a most innocent and devout Catholic, went into shock...

and is receiving counseling as we speak.

I was called, and I discovered amongst these magazines...

a number of personal items including a passport--

a passport not in the name of Stanley Kubrick,

but in the name of Alan Conway, a gentleman--

so Mr. Bates, our director of security discovered,

much to thechagrin...

of everyone at South Coast Hotels Limited--

to be a proven confidence man.

No.

- Must be some mistake. - None whatsoever, I'm afraid.

[ Toy Squeaks ] Fuck off.

Oh. Oh, Christ, no.

No. Fuck.

Would you like to see one of these magazines?

[ Sobbing ]

[ Rhythmic Knocking: "The Blue Danube Waltz" ]

Who is it? [ Lee ] It's me.

Come in.

How's it going, Stanley?

W-Well, earlier I was speaking to the David Letterman show,

and they were saying that they...

c-can't wait for you to come on.

They can't wait.

I think you and I need a bit of a chat.

[ Whimpering ] [ Lee ] Go on!

[ Alan ] Please! [ Mumbling ]

Oh, God. No! Please, no!

I can't swi-i-im!

Ooh. Ooh!

What is that smell?

Have you had one of your floozies over?

Yeah. Sorry about that. I had Sharon round.

We got a bit carried away.

I don't want to find any stains-- any deposits.

You won't. We did it inside bin bags on polythene, all right?

Oh, yeah, some journalist phoned.

- Huh! Right. - Yeah, he knows all about you and your tricks.

So you better watch out, eh? He's doing some big story on you.

A journalist? Yeah, he's gonna call back.

He's got your number, mate. Knows all about you.

You're Alan Conway, the guy who goes around impersonating Stanley Kubrick.

[ Alan ] I'm sorry, I'm not. Mr. Conway,

I have got independent corroboration.

Wha-- I believe you. Good.

I like your voice. Thank you.

Well, Frank Rich has written it up.

You are lying. Oh, I'm not lying to you. I've got it here in front of me.

It's in the New York Times. About me?

[ Woman ] Mr. Conway! Mr. Conway! Mr. Conway!

What have you got to say?

[ Chattering, Shouting ]

♪ [ "The Blue Danube Waltz" ]

♪ [ Phone Ringing In Rhythm Of Waltz ]

[ Man ] Hello?

Hello?

Mr. Conway?

Hello?

Ah, you're my audience.

You've come to see my latest film.

Have they, eh, given you an appointment yet? [ Gasps ]

I am Stanley Kubrick. I give the appointments around here.

Would you please take a seat, Mr. Kubrick, and not disturb the other patients?

They're not patients. They're my audience.

Aren't you? Aren't you all?

Please tell her! Tell her! [ Man Chuckles ]

[ Orderly ] If you'd like to take a seat here, please. Why don't you tell her?

Alan? Alan, it's me, Sean.

Is the camera ready now?

Has Miss Kirk Douglas left her dressing room yet?

Um, Alan, this is Dr. Stukeley. She's gonna help you.

Piers, please, take me home now!

Oh, Piers, I've been...

a very, very naughty boy.

Plea-- [ Dr. Stukeley ] This man's condition is very serious.

[ Groans, Sobs ] We need to institutionalize--

I mean, hospitalize him right away.

He requires immediate sedation. Well, can't you just slip him a few Valium...

and get him to attend a day clinic? If only it were as easy as that.

It's quite beyond that.

[ Gasping ] Quite beyond that.

There you are.

Mmm, mmm.

Shepherd's pie or toad in the hole, love?

Why, thank you, my good woman.

By the way, do you know who I am?

No, but if you ask the ward supervisor, she'll tell you.

I'm Stanley Kubrick.

I'm Stanley Kubrick!

I'm Stanley Kubrick.

I'm Stanley Kubrick.

How dare you?

I'm Stanley Kubrick! I'm Stanley Kubrick!

[ Chattering, Shouting ]

Will all the Stanley Kubricks please be quiet and eat their lunch?

Did you bring it? Did I bring what?

The bottle, stupid.

You owe me, squire.

[ Window Squeaking ] Mmm.

Never tasted better.

You know, you had me worried that day they brought you in here.

I thought you really had flipped.

No, well, it's very good insurance, you see.

But with my glamorous psychiatrist backing me,

they would never dare bring this case to court.

[ Laughs ]

From the moment I woke up this morning I knew something was different.

I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was.

Then I suddenly realized I'd become myself again.

My real self. I'd become Alan again.

Well, this may only be a temporary remission.

We'll need to keep you here under close observation.

You're such a good person, Dr. Stukeley.

You really are a good person. God bless you.

Let us return now to your mother,

Nadja Conova, the famous ballerina.

All right, let me just ask you...

one simple question.

How come, when Mr. Conway became Stanley Kubrick,

it was always in situations and circumstances...

where he, Conway, benefited directly?

Where he was on the take, on the make.

No, no, no. Becoming Stanley Kubrick...

has cost Mr. Conway the larger part of his life savings.

Everyone, of course, expected Mr. Kubrick to be generous,

being so rich and famous, and Alan had to live up to that.

He spent many thousands of pounds-- most of his life savings-- gone.

Where did you get this from? From him?

You know, I think you're willfully refusing...

to see the gravity of Mr. Conway's condition.

He is a victim of mental illness.

Dr. Stukeley,

why do you think he's saying such hurtful things?

Can it be that he doesn't want to see me healing and recovering?

- Well, if you believe that, you'd believe anything. - [ Chattering ]

It was all bullshit-- [ Phone Rings ]

all oxygen for him.

Everybody felt sorry for him--

took him on his own terms, as a victim.

What?

He appeared on television.

He even got paid for newspaper articles.

Sic transit.

Yes, the International Journal of Psychiatric Studies...

has accepted my case history study of you for the winter issue!

Oh, that's wonderful doctor.

Congratulations, really.

But, you know, I'm afraid I must tell you, and I must insist on this:

I couldn't possibly accept even the smallest fee,

unless you thought it was all right.

Nobody gets a fee, not even I.

It is an honor to be published there.

But would my name and address be included in the article...

just in case anyone should try and contact me?

Alan, patients are never identified in case histories.

- They're always given a pseudonym. - Oh.

Not much mileage there.

- Sorry? - I-- I was saying I understand that.

Now, we must address ourselves to your last and, might I say, lingering problem.

[ Chuckles ] My lack of cash?

No. I was referring more to your alcoholism.

Oh, that? I've decided to send you...

on an alcoholic rehabilitation course for four weeks...

to the Rimini Clinic.

The Rimini Clinic?

The Rimini Clinic? But that's--

I read about that in one of those magazines I bought in the supermarket.

That's where all the famous, uh, people,

uh, film stars and rock stars go to dry out.

[ Dr. Stukeley ] It has a success rate of 95%.

But I can't afford to stay there.

The National Health Service has four placements a year there,

and you will be one of them.

But, Dr. Stukeley, I don't deserve to go there.

It's essential. You're recovering, healing.

That's true.

W-Would I get some sort of allowance while I'm in there, Doctor?

Hmm. We can discuss that later.

I'll be surrounded by--

by rich and famous people.

I'd be in lockdown.

How will I cope?

Hmm. [ Man ] ♪ Midnight ♪

♪ With the stars and you ♪

♪ Midnight ♪

♪ And a rendezvous ♪

♪ Your arms ♪

♪ Held a message tender ♪

♪ Saying I surrender ♪

♪ All my love to you ♪

♪ Midnight ♪

♪ Brought a sweet romance ♪

♪ I've known ♪

♪ All my whole life through ♪

♪ I'll be remembering you ♪

♪ Whatever else I do ♪

♪ Midnight ♪

♪ With the stars and you ♪

[ Camera Clicks ]

[ Man ] ♪ I'm not the man you think I am ♪

♪ I'm not that kind of guy ♪

♪ Beneath this sleek exterior ♪

♪ There's less than meets the eye ♪

♪ I'm just what you've been looking for ♪

♪ Your wildest dream come true ♪

♪ I'm not the man you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man for you ♪

♪ I'm on important business ♪

♪ I'm late for my premier ♪

♪ I'm doin' you a favor ♪

♪ Just by bein' here ♪

♪ Surely you can buy a drink ♪

♪ For someone so renowned ♪

♪ I'm not the man you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man you found ♪

♪ I'm burning with indifference ♪

♪ I'm sleeping with desire ♪

♪ I'm selling snow to Eskimos ♪

♪ I'm preaching to the choir ♪

♪ My past is catching up to me ♪

♪ My chips are coming due ♪

♪ I'm not the man you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man for you ♪

♪ I'm not the man you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man for you ♪

[ Man ] ♪ I don't really want to know you ♪

♪ No, I don't really care ♪

♪ You have your silly little life and your ♪

♪ Silly little affairs ♪

♪ But I'm someone you should get to know ♪

♪ I think that you'll agree ♪

♪ Let me tell you all about ♪

♪ All about me ♪

♪ It's all about me Yeah ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪

♪ I'm here to tell you what you get ♪

♪ Is exactly what you see ♪

♪ I don't have too much time for talk ♪

♪ I'm a very busy man ♪

♪ I have a busy schedule ♪

♪ And a lot of future plans ♪

♪ It's all about me Yeah ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪

♪ I'm here to tell you what you get ♪

♪ Is exactly what you see ♪

♪ And why buy the cow ♪

♪ When you can get the milk for free ♪

♪ It's not about you at all ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪