All language subtitles for Color Me Kubrick (2005)

These houses all look
the same to me.

That's because they are
all the fucking same!

Is it me or is it
the Telegraph crossword?

Is what you
or the Telegraph crossword?

Getting difficult.
Is it getting
more difficult to do,

or is my ability
to do it lessening?

Probably a bit of both,
Freddie.

It can't be "anal,"
can it?

No, dear.
Not in theTelegraph.

Your handwriting is a disgrace.
I can hardly read this, can I?

Is this the address
what he give ya?

Yeah, that's what it says.
It's where we picked him up!

You want some of this?
Yeah. Knob head!

[ Doorbell Ringing ]
[ Mutters ] Who on earth
can that be at this time?

- I'll go, dear.
- No, no, no, no. I'll get it.

[ Chuckles, Sighs ]

I'm afraid you've got
the wrong house.

And how would you
know that then?
I've told you.

Now take your foot
out of the door, or I shall
have to call the police.

Listen up, Major. We've come
to see Stanley Kubrick.

There's no one
of that name here.

Good night.
Who are you?
The butler?

No, I'm not
the bloody butler.

Go and tell your master,
Mr. Kubrick, that we
have come to see him.

- Mr. who?
- Kubrick. The famous
film director.

Never heard of him.

Stanley's been
a frequenter of a club...

what we and some associates run
over in the Kings Cross, right?

He's run up a bloody big bar
bill of 200 quid last Thursday,

and he borrowed 100
in Nelson's.

- Nelson's?
- Nelson Eddy's.

Readies.
Cash, squire. Cash.

It's what the poor people use
instead of credit cards.
Do you savvy?

There's no man
of that name here,

and there are no readies
nor Nelson Eddy's.

- So--
- Ow!

We know he lives here!
Right, enough of this.

We know he lives here,
'cause we've picked him up
from here!

Steven, if you please.

[ Crashing ]
[ Gasps, Screams ]

He owes us money, he does!
[ Indistinct Shouting ]

For the last time,
button it, you two! Right.

[ Sirens Wailing ]

[ Quiet Chattering ]

[ Bartender ] Good evening, sir, madam.

Would you like a light?
Yes, please.

Right. Coming up.

[ Chattering Continues ]

What a wonderful drawing
and such an innovative design.

Good designs are as rare today
as good film scripts.

Please believe me.

Are they?
Mm-hmm.

Would you mind
if I joined you?

Uh, please.

Thank you.
That's very kind.

I've been at the film studios in a production meeting
all day.

I just had to have a drink
on the way home.

Just had to.
Would you?

No, not just now.
Thanks.

May I?
Yes, please.

Are these your designs?

Yes. I've just put together
a new collection.

I'm very impressed.
It's very... original.

Now that is a charming suit.

I'd be very proud
to wear a suit like that.

You must be very successful.

Well, I've, um--

I've got some designs being
considered by a knitwear
company in Huddersfield.

And there's a boutique
in Brighton who are very interested in my jackets.

Oh, and there's a man
in Margaret Street who--

who thinks my trousers
are so exciting.

- He does?
- Yes, he just loves them.

And so he should, my friend. So he should.

- I'm sorry. What is your name?
- I'm Rupert. Rupert Rodnight.

And I'm quite exceptionally
pleased to meet you, Rupert.

Good. Thank you.

Uh, I didn't catch
your name.

Stanley.

Stanley.

Stanley Kubrick.

- Stanley Kubrick?
- Mm-hmm.

Stanley Kubrick,
the film director?

Yes, unless there is
another one.

There you are, Stanley.
Another treble brandy.

Thanks.
You are a sweetie.

And I'll reciprocate
this kindness...

as soon as I've
been to the bank...

and sorted out all those
damned stolen credit cards.

It's not a problem.
Honestly.
But it is.

Such graciousness
cannot go unrecognized.

Do you know, I've never
designed the costumes
for a film before.

I mean, any film.

You know, this portfolio
of yours convinces me
that only you could do it.

So I think this is gonna be
the happiest relationship...

I've ever had
with a costume designer.

You haven't told me
the title yet.

It's catchy.
It's called Designer Death.

It's about a male model
who stumbles upon a murder.

And designing his wardrobe
is what I want you to do.

We shoot on location
and at Pinewood Studios.

But you have to be with me
the whole time.

It's a challenge.
Mmm.

No. The whole time.

[ Laughs ]

♪ [ Swing ]

Sorry, but I feel
so much more relaxed now.

Can I get you
another spritzer?

Oh, no, no.
I've still got some left.

Oh, it's such
a nice apartment.

And very cheap.

My people have rented it for me
under an assumed name,

so I could be nearer
to the studio I'm building
in Wealdstone.

But, Rupert, you mustn't
tell a soul about that.
You mustn't.

Oh, no, no.
It's an absolute
secret with me.

I knew it would be.

Now we're working, of course,
very feverishly on the script.

But I have to get you
a work copy...

so you can start designing
for our specific scenes.

By the way,
do you have an agent?

No. No, I've, um,
always handled myself.

I used to handle myself,

but now I prefer
letting someone else do it.

You don't always
have the choice, do you?

Hmm. We don't always
have the choice.

I'm gonna take you
under my wing.

I'm gonna make sure
that nobody handles you...

except myself.

Ahh.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

[ Knocking ]

I need to speak
to Mr. Kubrick!

I want to see Mr. Kubrick!

[ Doorbell Buzzes ] You're not going to escape this time! I need to talk to you!

I want the justice
and satisfaction
that is due to me!

How can you
abuse me like that?

Come outside,
Stanley Kubrick!
[ Siren Wailing ]

Come outside!
All right, sir.
Come along with us.

I want to see him now!
Now, now.
Calm down.

Yes. We understand, sir.
Now get in the car.

[ Shouting Continues ]

He alone was going to finance
and produce my Virginia Woolf.

I turned all the other
backers away.

I told my friends,
the cast,

"Mr. Kubrick's behind me."

Where to now?

[ Chattering ]

♪ [ "Also Sprach
Zarathustra" ]

[ Bottle Shatters ]

[ Train Whistle Blows ]
[ Rupert ] Yes, I'm a personal friend.

Yes, a personal friend
of Stanley Kubrick's.

I need to contact him.

The number I have for his home,
it seems to be out of order
or something.

♪ [ "The Blue Danube Waltz" ]

How could you
not have heard of him? He's a famous film director.

Yeah, 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Um, uh, The Shining.

Uh, what else?
Dr. Strangelove.

Clockwork Orange!

Full Metal Jacket. Come on.You must have heard of that.

[ Man ]
So the band's playing
this gig up in Camden.

This guy comes up to me and starts trying to tell me how good they are.

The he tells me who he is.

Stanley Kubrick,
the film director.

Stanley fuckin' Kubrick!
Fuck me!

Exactly. Amazing!

So, anyway, we get chattin',
and Stanley says
how he could help us.

You know, help the band.

Who'd have thought
Stanley Kubrick was into
heavy metal then?

He said, "When's the next gig?" So I told him about
this one at the Roxxy.

And he wanted to come?
Right.

So I said we'd pick him up, ferry him out there.

He's got a big apartment
in Little Venice.

That's where we're
collecting him from.
Pretty smart address.

The guy's loaded.

But more important than
that, he's got the contacts.

Well, you see, normally
I'd have this address
in Belgravia.

And what I do usually is the people I was meeting--

very important people--

I'd give them this address,

and they'd come by to
pick me up at a very
specific time, you see?

And when they got there,

I'd be sitting
on the front steps,
pretty as a picture.

You see?

That always worked.

[ Chattering ]

Nothing here
now, dear.

They thought it was my house. Simple.

But then the neighborhood
started to go downhill--

Arabs, blacks,
all sorts of riffraff.

Well, obviously,
I couldn't find myself
associated with those people.

So I decided to find somewhere
a little more "media-ish."

See? A little more me.

Little Venice.

♪ [ "The Blue Danube Waltz" ]

You didn't tell him that you used to make a few bob...

flogging pirate tapes
of Clockwork Orange
up at Camden, did ya?

Shut up, Toby.

See any numbers?

I'll slow down,
have a squint.

Hey.

[ Doors Opening, Closing ]

Fuck me.

He'll probably invite us
up for drinks.

I've never met anyone
like Stanley Kubrick before.

Wow!

It's flat "A."

Right. Flat "A."

Gentlemen! Over here!

Here I am! Over here!

You simply
must forgive me.

You simply must.

I've been talking over
old creative differences
with Marlon.

The trouble with Marlon is
he thinks he's Brando.

He would not let me go.
Simply wouldn't.

That's all right, Stanley.
Good to see ya.

Very good to see you, Spencer.
Very good indeed.

This here's Toby.
He's the co-manager
of Exterminating Angels.

We work at it together.

Very good to see you, Toby.

Very pleased to meet you,
Mr. Kubrick.

Stanley, please.

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Toby ]
So, what film you workin' on now, Stan?

It is a science fiction
comedy drama love affair
caper movie...

set-- set in the future.

Sounds great.
What's it called?

All-night Prescriptions.

Wacky title--
All-night Prescriptions.

So, who have you got
in it, Stan?

[ Chuckles ]
I've still got
the casting to do.

Madonna wants in,
but I told her, "Madonna"--

I told her,
"Madonna, darling,
stick to the day job.

[ Laughs ]
The singing."

Jack Nicholson wants in too, but I said to him,

"Jack, you know
what the protocol is.

I've got to offer it
to Harrison Ford first."

And little Tommy Cruise
would like a part,

and I said to him,
"Perhaps,"

over breakfast this morning at the Savoy.

Fucking Jesus!
Some lineup, Stan!

Now, boys,
in this next movie,

a metal rock group
plays a very important part.

That is where
Exterminating Angels comes in.

I need an unknown group...

but one that possesses
star quality.

Exterminating Angels
are your lads, Stanley.

They've got
everything it takes.

[ Rupert ]
Well, then, you should listen then, shouldn't you?

Well, I presume that's what you're supposed to do, or am I mistaken?

I am a personal friend
of Stanley Kubrick!

Yes, that's who I am!
Right.

And one word from Mr. Kubrick,
and you'd be out of a job,
you stupid little man!

[ Groans ]
[ Phone Beeps ]

♪ [ Humming ]

Back in a jiffy, boys.

♪ [ Humming Continues ]

We've got it
fucking made!
I know.

I can actually see
Exterminating Angels
becoming a phenomenon.

That's for sure.
If we haven't got phenomena
potential, I don't know who has.

Have either of you boys
got any cash on you?

I seem to have left
my laser platinum...

no-limit American Express
V.I.P. card at home.

Sure, Stan.
How much do you want?

Oh, enough for some cigarettes
and a drop of vodka
for my throat irritation.

Here's 20.
Keep the change.

Rich people never have
any cash on them, do they?
I mean, it's vulgar.

They don't. But that, Toby, my old son,

has got to be
the best fuckin' 20 quid...

we've ever invested in our whole fuckin' lives!

- Fuckin' Stanley
fuckin' Kubrick.
- [ Toby, Indistinct ]

It's all right.
It's all--

Either of you boys
crave a taste?

No, it's all right, Stan.
Not while I'm at the wheel.

[ Man Announcing ]
All the way from Acton,
West London,

the one and only
Exterminating Angels!

- [ Whooping ]
- [ Crowd Cheering ]

[ Growls ]

♪ [ Heavy Metal ]

♪ [ Vocalizing ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

♪ [ Singing, Indistinct ]

Boys, I believe
Exterminating Angels...

will become a coast-to-coast
sensation in America.

But we've got to be careful
how we play it,

because you do not get
a second chance...

to make a first impression
on the great American public.

You fuckin' arsehole!
I knew I'd catch up
with you one day!

- You fuckin' great dog turd!
- Hold on!

You've had it! You have
terminally fuckin' had it!

You're well out of order.
Oh, yeah?
Let me at him!

We're not having anyone
talking like that
to our guest!

"Our guest"? Oh, and pray tell
why on earth fucking not?

Because he's
our fucking guest.

'Cause he's
Stanley fucking Kubrick.
That's why.

No, he fucking ain't!
He ain't Stanley Kubrick!

He's a fucking con man
called Alan Conway,

and he owes my band
200 fuckin' quid what he swindled out of us!

- What?
- Let me at that
miserable fucker!

I'm gonna drag him out!
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

You gotta be fuckin' joking! Get him!

Fuck!

You wanker!
You fucker, Conway!

Never had a famous film director
in my cab before.

Well, thank you
for a very pleasant chat.

Now, Deepak, you know,
you've got my number,

so there's no excuse
not to call.

My idea is we'll start you off
on some stand-in work...

and then gravitate towards
some small speaking roles.

Oh, over the moon, I am.

Now, you'll need to wait for me
a couple of minutes.

I'm gonna run in and borrow
some cash off my son.

But I'm going to leave
here in the back...

my Louis Vuitton
shoulder bag--

which Louis himself
personally gave me--
for your peace of mind.

There's no need
to do that, mister.
I insist.

Okay.

♪ [ "William Tell Overture" ]

You say he was
ordinary looking,
average height,

and to that we can add
that he calls himself
Stanley Kubrick.

He cost me 40 quid.
Forty fucking quid!

Okay, sir. Now,
we can go all formal...

and you can give us
a statement.

And while you're doing that,

I'll get one of my P.C.'s
to verify the road worthiness
of your vehicle,

or we can call it a night.

Gaandu!

[ Woman ]
♪ I wanna marry a lighthouse keeper and keep him company ♪

♪ I wanna marry a lighthouse keeper and live by the side of the sea ♪

♪ [ Continues ]
You know, Sean, I don't mind
you staying here,

but you really must learn
how to tidy up after yourself.

And I do not like
your dirty knickers and socks
in the kitchen sink.

There's a launderette
down the road.

Yeah, keep your wig on,
Stanley.

- Hey, did you see this
here in the paper?
- What in the paper?

About this serial gay killer
who's gone all over London
killing shirtlifters.

No. What about him?

Well, it says here
he murdered someone last night
over in Tennyson Road.

Tennyson Road?
But that's just at the end here.

You got any fairies
at the bottom of your garden?

- No.
- Perhaps he might be paying
you a visit next.

What's the world
coming to, eh,

when a bloke can't go around minding his own business,

committing acts against nature
without running the risk of
bumping into a homicidal maniac?

Too right.

I know him very well.

Of course,
he left his calling card
in 2001: A Space Odyssey,

but none of us
recognized it.

2001?
Yes. HAL the computer.
Camp as a row of tents.

Positively Danny Debonair
with that voice.

That's why he killed
the astronaut--

wanted to be alone
with the other beefcake.

Oh. What's he working on
now-- Kubrick?

He's doing a remake of that
Julie Christie film, Darling,

only she's a boy this time.

They wouldn't let
John Schlesinger get away
with that back in the 1960s.

Sounds captivating.
It is, dear.
Very captivating.

And I've got rather
a juicy part in it,

so it'll be
"good-bye, soaps" for moi.

Well, they do say
in Hollywood...

the only way to the top
is through the bottom.

♪ [ Techno ]
[ Woman Squealing ]

- You're a friend
of Stanley Kubrick's?
- Where did you hear that?

- He's come here
to see you dance, lad.
- Really?

Come and meet Stan.

[ Crowd Whooping ]

I want to get
into films though.
I really do.

Well--

He's straight, but
I think he'd be willing...

to advance his career.

I do like them straight.

That's the attraction, eh?

[ Siren Wailing ]

"Dear Mr. Kubrick,

"I would like to alert you
to an impostor who uses
your name, Stanley Kubrick,

"as a cover
for his wicked actions.

"His real name
is Alan Conway.

"I first met him in Marseille
last year when I was working
as a rent boy.

Conway wrecks people's lives
and has no moral conscience."

All yours, my friend.

Now that'll be, um--

yep, £16.20.

And you won't mind
a check, of course,
Mordecai?

Oh, no, no.
You live around the corner.

Advice.

Y-You were gonna
give me some.

The amateur rock group,
you know, that I manage.

Well, Mordecai,
it's tricky, you see?

Rock is the single
most treacherous area...

for the showbiz
entrepreneur.

As a matter of fact,
while I was in L.A.,

I had to sort out
some rather sticky
problems for Bruce.

- What? Bru--
- [ Whispers ]
Springsteen.

Why don't you come round
my house tomorrow evening,
say 8:00-ish,

and we'll discuss it
fully then.

Right. Gotcha.
We'll be there.

[ Quiet Chattering ]
Oh, there's Stanley.

Stanley!
How are you?

How are you, Jasper?

Like you to meet
Oliver, my lawyer.

Oliver, Stanley Kubrick.

A very great honor
to meet you, Mr. Kubrick.

No. Stanley, please.
You know, that "mister"
puts years on me.

[ Laughs ]
Yes. Surely.

Shall we repair
to the salle privée
where we can talk in private?

Show me the way
to the salle privée.

Excellent.

Ziggy?
Sir?

Bottle of champers.
Coming up.

When you told me
that you'd lost...

your limited-edition
Mont Blanc pen that
Tom Cruise had given you,

I thought that
the very least I could do
is to replace it.

Shall I open it?

Ooh!

Oh, my God!
That is perfect!

That is absolutely
perfect! Oh!

Oh, Jasper,
I'm so "tiched."

You are too kind.
Oh, I'm so pleased that
you're pleased, Stanley.

Oh, it is wonderful.
Look at that.

Oh! Do you have
the receipt?

So, you're not
feeling yourself?

He didn't say
he wasn't feeling himself.

He said he wasn'thimself;
he was somebody else.

Since when?
And who?

He didn't say.

To me, he's Alan Conway.
To you, he's Alan Conway.

Yes, but to him,
he's not Alan Conway.

Well, who is he then?

What I said was,
I'm not who you think I am.

Didn't I say that?

Alan Conway is merely a name
I use when I'm here.

Not only here.
In the shop also.

Here.

Here. When I'm here
in Wealdstone.

When I'm staying here,
hereabouts.

Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Why is that then?

[ Sighs ]

I suppose at times
I grow quite disgusted...

by the razzle-dazzle
noise and glitz of showbiz.

And at times
I must concentrate...

on what is truly important
in my life--

my work--

and I must be undisturbed.

This is my hideaway,

my space
for inner tranquility.

Mmm.
Mm-hmm.

Very nice.

So who are you, if you're not Alan Conway?

I'm Stanley Kubrick,
the film director.

Stanley--
Kubrick?

How long have you
been him then?

I've always been him.
I am him.

I'm also
Shirley Bassey's agent,

which is why I was
recently in the States.

And I was a child actor.

I played Pip in David Lean's
Great Expectations.

[ Laughs ]
I was also
a holiday rep.

A big one.

All that, and he knows how to promote a rock group as well.

Mmm, such talent.
[ Laughs ]

Tomorrow morning
I have a meeting
with Miss Elizabeth Taylor.

Mi--
We're endeavoring
to raise some funds...

for the Betty Ford Clinic.

Oh.
But I fear...

that the meeting is so early
that my bank will be closed.

I was wondering if either of you
could possibly cash a personal
check for me this evening.

We--
Um, sure.

Thank you.

[ Conway ]
What you're saying is
it's this overdraft...

that prevents Jasper
from opening further wine bars?

Correct.
And this overdraft...

stands at £350,000?

354,500 to be precise.

And you're looking for me to act
as guarantor for that sum?

Yes. Yes, that's an acceptable
option for the bank.

- You'll be made a director,
of course.
- Sounds pretty simple to me.

Stanley, all my problems
are solved if you do that.

There is no pro--
You know, Oliver,

if you can get
the paperwork together,

I'll run it by
my New York attorneys,

and we'll be ready
to tango.

I'll do that tomorrow.

This time next year,
we're gonna be opening wine bars in Paris, France.

Yes! Oh!

There's a problem
with this pen.

Oh, dear. What seems
to be the problem?

Well, the nib.

We can change it
for you, sir.

Well, it's not just the nib.
It's the pen itself.

It's so big and bulky.
Makes my hand tired.

I'd like a refund.
Certainly.
You have the receipt?

Here it is.

Thank you.

Right. We can re-credit
your VISA card.

I'll do it for you now.
My VISA card?

You paid for it by VISA,
and we'll simply
re-credit your card.

No. But I want cash.

I'm afraid we don't
do that here, sir.

Oh.

When I spoke with my attorney, Milton Greenberg in New York--

He says he was very happy
with those papers.

There was no reason whatsoever not to sign them.

You'll be the guarantor until such time as Jasper has discharged you.

Which I estimate will be
three to four years at max.

Mm-hmm.
[ Banker ] The bank's perfectly happy.

They, uh, checked you out,
Stanley, and you came up
A-one okay.

I bet I did.
I told the manager...

you're never to pay for anything
whenever you come in.

Drinks, the food, everything's
on the house from now on.

[ Giggles ]

And what is it, Stanley?
What's the, uh-- the title?

It is 3001: A Space Odyssey.

Wow. And who have you got?

John Malkovich
in the lead.
John who?

He will redefine "astronaut."
Redefine it.

But, of course,
Warner Brothers says,

"But he's not big enough
to carry this picture."

And I said,
"Oh, really? Oh."

So now I've solved that.

How? How have you--
How have you solved it?
It's simple.

Miss Elizabeth Taylor
as mission control.

[ All Laughing ]

What was it
Gore Vidal said?
Vidal?

Oh, the thing about,
"The only people who enjoy
themselves in the theater...

are those who are
already on the stage."

[ Laughs ]
That was certainly
true tonight.

Boy, was it ever.

Did you notice that gentleman
behind us was asleep
before the end of act one?

Yes.
He'd wake up
for the dialogue scenes.

As soon as the music would start, he'd go back into a confused slumber.

[ Woman ]
We have to do
the London stage.

[ Man ] Well, we got a good view of it. [ Woman ] Nothing up front.

Oh, excuse me.
Could you tell me who
these people are next to us?

Yes, yes. He's a journalist
from the New York Times.

It's Frank Rich.
He's a famous drama critic.

And that is, uh,
Mrs. Frank Rich.

Thank you.
You're welcome, Mr. Kubrick.
It's a pleasure.

[ Rich ]
It doesn't really
refer to the theater,

at least not
the American theater.

[ Laughs ]

I did not like what
your newspaper wrote
about me. Not at all.

I beg your pardon?

I said, I do not like what
your newspaper wrote about me,

and I am not a recluse.

Yes. I guess a recluse wouldn't
be coming into a restaurant
like this now, would he?

And, uh, who are you?

I am Stanley Kubrick,

and I nearly sued
your newspaper once.

And I have shaved off
my beard off.

[ Whispers ]
Stanley, we're gonna go.

Well, please sit down, join us.
This is my wife, Alix.

Hello.
How do you do?

Please sit down.
I can't. I have
my people waiting for me.

You're Frank Rich,
aren't you?
Yes.

Drama critic?
Yes.

I'm Butch.
Of course you are.

I've, uh, got a play
I'd like you to read.

I want to be
a playwright.
Really?

You know, I've never
heard that before.

Uh, so you've been
to Sunset Boulevard?

Yes.
Yes, we have.

Patti LuPone is a friend.
She's the best thing in it.

The rest of the cast is shit.
Frankly, they laid an egg.

Eight months, it closes.

I was invited to preview.

Are you working
on another movie?

Yes. I'm in preproduction.

- How about an interview?
- Mm-mmm. Do you know why?

Because I never give
interviews.

This is a ring
which Christian Dior
gave to Helmut...

who gave it to me...

and now I give to you.

Thank you.
That's very nice.

You're lovely.

Good night.

Wow!

Come on, Kubrick!

So was that really
Stanley Kubrick,
the director?

Well, I assume
he's Stanley Kubrick,

but I couldn't
swear on it.

[ Billiard Balls Clanking ]

[ Grunts ]
[ Chattering ]

I know you.

You've appeared
in one of my films,
haven't you?

See, your face
is so familiar.

I'm just trying to place
which one it was.

Well, sit down
and buy me a drink
while you decide.

Buy you a drink?
Mm-hmm.

Well, what
do you drink?

Jack Daniel's.
A large one.

Barman?
Yes, sir?

A large Jack Daniel's,
please, and another glass
of mineral water.

Coming up.

So, you're a what?
A real-life film producer
then, eh?

Mmm.

Would you like
a cigarette?

No, thanks. I don't smoke.
But, you know, you go ahead.

Thank you.

So, would I have heard of you?
I mean, would I have seen
any of your films?

You may have.
What's your name?

[ Whispering ]
Stanley Kubrick.

Stanley Kubrick?

Fuck me. Stanley,

you are one of my favorite
film directors of all time.

I mean that. I have seen
all of your films.

I have loved
every single one of them.
Thank you.

This is unbelievable,
an honor.

I mean,
I've seen, uh, Spartacus,
which was brilliant.

Lolita-- fantastic.

Dr. Strangelove.
Um, Clockwork Orange.

Barry Lyndon.

What's it-- Uh, my favorite.
This is my favorite--
Judgment at Nuremberg.

Mmm, yes.

It's odd that you say that.
That was quite a difficult
film to make for me.

Very difficult.
I had loads of problems.

But, of course, it all
worked out well in the end.

Absolutely. Yes, it did.
That is amazing.

That is just amazing.

Do you know what amazes me most about that is-- is that--

you know, that it was directed
by Stanley Kramer.

Not Stanley Kubrick.

Oh, dear.
You've got your Stanleys
in a twist, haven't you?

Eh? Listen, mate.

Let me give you
a little bit of advice here.

If you're gonna come in here
pretending to be
someone that you're not,

then at least do us
the courtesy...

of doing a little bit
of research, okay?

I found one.

Good, 'cause there
isn't a single photo
in any of these Who's Whos.

In this one,
he's got a beard.

Yeah, but he did say
he's "shaved off his
beard off," didn't he?

Right.
Oh. When was this taken?

About 1971.

Doesn't look a thing
like that guy.
Not a thing.

Got a tip off about this Kubrick impostor.

Go on.
And the story
was right up my street.

Kubrick himself
has got a problem here.

In order to get an injunction out against Conway,

he has to prove that Conway is impersonating him.

But to do that, he's got to get some people to stand up in court...

and admit they were conned.

Stanley.
Why, it's bad enough
being had by someone.

I mean, you wouldn't want
to tell the whole world
about it, would you?

I wouldn't.

C-Cooperation?

What sort of cooperation
are we talking about here then?

Full statements from each of you
to begin with, and we'll need
to call you in as witnesses.

Hold on. I don't mind
helping you as much as I can.

But I can't go to court.
It'll be in the papers,
and everyone will know.

Yeah. I can't afford
that either. No way.

They'll think Spencer and me
are a couple of poofs.

No offense,
but you know what I mean.

Actually, I have
no idea what you mean.

I've got a cab office
to run and a corner shop.

[ Man Narrating ] Stanley had called me to say that his son had died in a car accident.

He said he wanted me with him at this terrible moment.

When I told him I could only afford to come for a few days,

he told me
he needed me with him for the foreseeable future.

Here you go.
Thank you, sir.

And even beyond that to the part of the future we couldn't foresee.

Thanks.

He then offered to pay off the balance of an apartment I owned in Marseille.

[ Man ]
Sorry, mate.

[ Narrator Continues ]
Which I'd been rehabbing with two dear friends of mine.

He told me to bring
their bank details...

and he would have his attorney handle it immediately.

He also said his driver,
Manolo,

would be at the airport
to whisk me off
in his white Jaguar.

[ Buzzing ]
He wasn't.

My client, as you know, has
lost many thousands of pounds
as a result of this impostor,

and his standing with
the two banks in question
is in some doubt.

Nevertheless, for reasons
which I think you will
readily appreciate...

we cannot go further and appear
in an action which will then
expose him to public ridicule--

[ Crying ]
for having been taken in
by this con man.

Not even if it means
that it stops Conway doing
the same thing to others?

Mm-mmm.
Not even.

I see.
[ Sniffles ]

Oh, Stanley.

Huh!
[ Sobs ]

I admit it.

I admit it!
I knew you weren't.
I just knew it.

[ Muffled Shouts ]

I'm not Stanley Kubrick.
I'm Alan Conway!

Alan Conway,
one of life's great failures.

Piers, you must forgive me.

All that about having a son who was killed in a car accident?No, Piers.

I suppose that's all lies
and bullshit too, isn't it?
Please.

Please. Piers, I would've said
anything to get you here.

Please, you must forgive me.
You fucked over
my friends in Marseille!

I gave up my apartment there.
I used my savings
to come over here.

My bridges are all burned,
and you-- you ask me
to forgive you.

Piers, please,
you must forgive me.
You have to.

Forgive a disaster queen
like you?
Yes.

No fucking chance.
Aah! Piers!

[ Groans ]

[ Crying ]
Piers!

[ Groans ]
I genuinely need you!

I've never had such genuine
feelings for anyone who--

I've never felt something
so big inside me.

I mean, I've--
Feelings for someone
else so big in me--

really, really--
it's as if I have to try
to escape myself.

Whenever I go to somewhere nice
like New York or...

Benidorm or--
[ Mutters ]

or Rio,

who is the first person
there to greet me?

It's Alan Conway!

I'm only trying
to escape myself.

That's why I have to pretend
to be someone else.

Please don't go, Piers.
Please.

I thought
we had something.

I really did.
No!

Don't.
Piers, you mustn't go,
please.

[ Piers Scoffs ]
Get the--

Piers, please.

Ah, Piers.

You see, I thought I could
be myself with you.

Ah, Jesus.
I thought you
could help me.

I thought I could help you.

I thought we had a future.

[ Man ]
♪ I'm not the man
you think I am ♪

♪ I'm not that kind of guy ♪

♪ Beneath this sleek exterior ♪

♪ There's less
than meets the eye ♪

♪ I'm just what you've been looking for ♪

♪ Your wildest dream
come true ♪

♪ I'm not the man
you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man for you ♪

♪ I'm not the man
you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man ♪

♪ For you ♪

[ Seagull Squawks ]

What happened to you happened
to a very dear friend of mine,
you know.

He didn't eat properly.
Just the booze and the drugs.
Then one day--

[ Snaps ]
he just collapsed.

See, your body can only
take so much abuse.

The body? Abuse?

Sounds interesting.

Hmm.
But we're not gonna let it
happen again, are we?

We're going to eat regularly.
We're going to reduce
our alcohol intake.

Let's see.

Mm-hmm.

You're used to
having stiff things
in your mouth then?

They don't stay stiff
for long.

I'm being discharged
tomorrow then?

After sir has seen you
and not before.

You wouldn't care to join me
at my hotel tomorrow night,
would you?

You're so forward.

I thought you'd never ask.

No, you see,
because Alan Conway...

is merely my nom de travel.

Life is much easier
sailing under that nom,

because then
I'm not bothered
and hassled by people.

- Mm-hmm.
- Which is very important
for a man in my position.

Hmm. So what shall I
call you then? Shall I
call you Alan or Stanley?

[ Scoffs ]
You see,
people who know me--

simpatico people--

they always call me
Stanley, of course.

[ Chortles ]
Well, knock me over
with a sponge dildo.

It's amazing.
I mean, it's just--

it's just
staggeringly amazing.

Well, at times, I just have to get away from the glitz and glamour of showbiz--

away from the jet set,
the servants,

the kiss-ass creeps.

You see? I--
I have to stay in touch
with the common man.

Mm-hmm.
The common folk.

The salt of the earth.
Mm-hmm.

The unwashed, the unloved,
the unwanted,

the unknown,

the unattractive.

Sounds like
a full-time job to me.
[ Chuckles ]

But... it's not already time
for your party, is it?

Yes. Yes, it is.
Come on then.

I knew Lee Pratt before
he was famous, when he came
down here to play all the clubs.

I met him on the scene.
Very active, you know.

Although none of
his audience know that.

They all think he's
as straight as an arrow.

I saw his television show
once on... television.

You know, I nearly cast him
in one of my films.
I'll tell him that.

His head'll get even bigger.
He's the biggest praise queen
I know.

[ Chattering ]
So, Stanley, what do you
think of the house then?

Isn't it amazing?

Hello.
John, how are you?
Nice to see you.

[ Mutters ]
That's my friend
Stanley Kubrick.

Ah, right.
Would you like
some bubbly and, uh--

Oh, thanks.
♪ [ Man Singing, Indistinct ]

Thank you.
Would you like
to go on in?

Come on in, Stanley.
I'd like you to meet my friend
Stanley Kubrick.

Oh, really? Stanley,
how nice to see you.

- [ Chattering ]
- Look there.

♪ Outside my door

- ♪ Hello
- Ah, look.

♪ Is it me you're looking for ♪

♪ I can see it in your eyes

♪ I can see it in your smile

♪ You're all I've ever wanted

♪ My arms are open wide

♪ 'Cause you know
just what to say ♪

♪ And you know
just what to do ♪

♪ I want to tell you
so much ♪

♪ I love you

♪ Tell me how
to win your heart ♪

- ♪ 'Cause I haven't
got a clue ♪
- [ No Audible Dialogue ]

♪ But let me start by saying ♪

♪ I love you ♪

Stan the man!

The United States of America
has defeated me.

Totally defeated me.
Isn't that right, Norman?

That's right, Lee.
Uh, defeated you.

[ Lee ] There's been lots of British entertainers gone out there--

- Hmm.
- who were great,
talented people.

Great entertainers, you know.
Big stars, much loved.
You know, like me.

But, you know,
they've all been made as welcome
as a radioactive dog turd.

Nothing radioactive
about our Lee.
[ Grunts ]

Lee, you see, over here
in this country...

you have a greater appeal
with the lower-working
middle classes.

And the mistake you made
is assuming--
Hmm.

that the same groups
are gonna like you
over there.

You see, you pitched
yourself too low.

Mm-hmm.
Lee, you're a Vegas
performer. Vegas!

- Vegas?
- Vegas is where you belong!

Do you hear
what I'm saying?

- Vegas!
- Las Vegas.

Right, Las Vegas.
But it all has to be
managed right.

- Mmm!
- It all has to be
carefully coordinated.

We have to contour you...

with the shape
of the American media.

You see? We've got--

Look, Moe Greenbaum...

at the Sands Hotel
is an old school chum of mine.

We go way back.
He knows how to handle this.

You know people like that?

It's not what you know
butwho you know, right?

- Wha--
- I mean, you could be
bigger than Elvis.

Bigger than Jesus, lad.

Can you imagine how big
Jesus would be if only
he'd played the guitar?

Hmm.

To Vegas.

Vegas.
Lee, let me teach you
a little something.

- Repeat after me: Maître d'.
- Maître d'.

- Lock the door.
- Lock the door.

No one's goin' home tonight!

No one is a-goin'
home a-tonight!

- Vegas.
- What the fuck's a maître d'?

[ Tom Jones ] Now let me ask you somethin'.

Have you ever felt that you weren't responsible for the things that you do...

when the girl that you are with is just too much?

She is so out of sight, baby, that all you can say is,

"Well, all right!"

♪ I'm not responsible ♪

♪ Not responsible ♪

♪ For anything I do
when I'm with you ♪

I'm going to have to
edit this very carefully
for an American audience.

Well, that's my 12 basic
English routines,

and this is me loose material,
what I call me
pick-and-mix file.

Very expensive, dear.

Very expensive.

Well, I'm sure it's not
all money gone to waste.

I'm going to have my man
in New York, Shecky Greene,

send me
the work scripts...

of all the top comics
and singers in America.

Grand. Just grand.

The other night
when we met, gentlemen,

I said to myself,
"Stanley, either you
can press ahead...

with the remake
of Otto Preminger's
Samson and Delilah,

or you can lend
a helping hand...

to a British comedian
who needs
a stateside break.

Well, if you can't
lend a hand to a close friend,
then who can you lend it too?

I seem to have
run out of vodka.

Oh.

Here we go.

Here's to Las Vegas.

And here is to Lee Pratt, the British singer-comedian...

who's gonna set
the States on fire.

And here's to my friend,
the famous film director
and fixer, Stanley Kubrick.

I'll drink to that.

♪ I'm not responsible ♪
Vegas.

♪ It's impossible
to be so very near ♪

♪ And not feel part of you ♪

♪ You've got
such a hold on me ♪

♪ You make it seem so easy
but it's true ♪

♪ Oh, yeah I get such a happy feeling ♪

♪ Knowing that you feel
the same way too ♪

♪ Whoa, baby ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ I'm not responsible ♪

♪ Not responsible ♪
Hello.

♪ When you can make a man do what you want him to ♪[ Chattering ]

♪ I'm not responsible ♪

♪ It's impossible
to be so very near ♪

♪ And not know what to do ♪
Stanley Kubrick, the, uh--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]

♪ You've got
such a hold on me ♪

♪ You make it seem so easy
but it's true ♪

♪ Oh, yeah I get such a happy feeling ♪

♪ Knowing that you feel
the same way too ♪

♪ I get such a happy feeling ♪

♪ Knowing that you feel
the same way too ♪

♪ Believe me, baby ♪
Ah, here we are.

♪ In the midnight hour ♪
Compliments of the hotel.

Very nice.
♪ You better believe me
Whoa-oa-oa ♪

There we are, Stanley. If you're
ever short of inspiration,
just look out across that bay.

I nearly once
made a film here.

Oh, you hear that, Cyril?
Stanley could've put you
on the international map.

Well, I hope Mr. Kubrick
will reconsider that film.

- [ Laughs ]
- If he does,
it'll have to star our Lee.

Oh, yes. I left my heart
in Devon, eh? I Left My Heart In Devon.

[ Chuckles ]
Very good, Mr. Pratt.

Hmm. Thank you, Cyril.

Now, Cyril, Mr. Kubrick
is my special guest.

- I want you to look after him
the way you look after me.
- Certainly, Mr. Pratt.

Yes, anything Mr. Kubrick wants,
Mr. Kubrick should have.

Of course, Mr. Pratt.

I once had controlling
interest in a hotel
on Fifth Avenue in New York.

But it wasn't
as nearly well run as here.

Thank you, Mr. Kubrick.
Thank you.

Well, luvvies,
I've got a show to produce.

Stanley, if you need me,
I'll be just down the end
of the corridor.

Well, I have to run
and call Shecky and start
on these work scripts.

Las Vegas.
Here we come.

♪ [ Band ]

♪ Bright-light city
gonna set my soul ♪

♪ Gonna set my soul
on fire ♪

♪ Got a whole lot of money
that's ready to burn ♪

♪ So get those stakes
up higher ♪

♪ There's a thousand
pretty women
waitin' out there ♪

♪ And they're all livin'
devil may care ♪

♪ And I'm just a devil
with love to spare ♪

♪ I said
Viva Las Vegas ♪

♪ Viva Las Vegas

♪ Viva Las Vegas

♪ Viva, Viva ♪

♪ Las Vegas

♪ There's a thousand
pretty women
waitin' out there ♪

♪ And they're all livin'
devil may care ♪

♪ And I'm just a devil
with love to spare ♪

♪ So
Viva Las Vegas ♪

♪ Viva Las Vegas

♪ Viva, Viva

♪ Las Vegas

[ Cheering ]

I-- I tell you, I don't know
what happened last night.

It must've been
the seafood at lunchtime.

But you're all right now?Oh, perfect.
Never felt better.

Rarin' to go.
Oh, great,
Stanley, great.

Now, gentlemen, listen.
Last night I spoke
with Shecky in New York.

I said, "Shecky, you gotta be ready to get on the first plane out to Vegas."

Also, he's meeting Moe there.
I fully briefed
the both of them.

I told 'em, "Gentlemen,
I want an absolutely
up-to-date report...

on everything that's happening
in every hotel and theater."

Vegas--
I can't believe it.

What schedule are you
thinking about then, eh?

I take your point, Norman.
Here's my thinking at present.

A: We need a lot of lead time
for publicity.

B: Selected personal appearances before opening.

- What have we got
in the book, then, Norm?
- Eh, slack season.

You're resting.
Apart from opening
a hospice in Wolverhampton,

a charity night in Preston, and, uh, taking your mum
on holiday.

Hmm.

Well, fuck the hospice,
fuck the charity,

and Mum's always
wanted to do Vegas.

[ Chuckles ]
Now, gentlemen,
I may have to fly out ahead...

and make sure everything
goes smoothly.

But, Norman,
I want to tell you, I'm making
my executive jet available.

Handsome.
Just handsome.

No calls to New York or Vegas
from Mr. Kubrick's suite then?

Hmm? No, none.

But most of our guests
prefer the use of their
personal mobile telephones.

[ Typing ]

That's...
quite interesting.

[ Knocking ]

Come in.
[ Door Opens ]

[ Clattering ]

Shall I leave it here,
sir, as it is, or shall I prepare the table?

[ Sighs ]
Just leave it there, garçon,
and I'll help myself.

That is the double helping
of coq au vin, isn't it?
Yes, it is, sir.

And, uh,
my bottle of vodka?

Yes, sir.
Mmm, lovely.

- And the, uh, cigarettes.
I can't see the cigarettes.
- The cigarettes?

Yes. I ordered a carton
of 200 cigarettes.
Where might they be?

I'll fetch them for you
right away, sir.
Young man, um,

once upon a time,
I was directing a film
called Spartacus,

and there was a very young
Miss Kirk Douglas...

playing the title role.

And one day, the waiter
forgot to bring...

Miss Kirk Douglas
hercigarettes.

And Miss Douglas,
being the shit that she is--
[ Shouts ] fired him!

That waiter never worked
in Hollywood again.

How very tragic, sir.

Hmm.

♪ [ Band ]

His number one fan.

Another schooner of sherry,
I think, Lee.

You leave that to me,
Mrs. V. Gargoyle!

[ Man ] Yes, sir? Can we have another "schoonery" thing of Cypress for Mrs. V?

Two large schooners of Cypress.
We've not even ordered
starters yet. Tell you what.

- You're the best cheerleader
anyone could ever wish for.
- Ahh.

- Yeah, she's worth her weight
in gold lamé.
- Gold lamé.

She's like a mother to me, you know. A mother.

Someone you can
always rely on.

Tell me, Mr. Cute Prick.

Kubrick.

Lee tells me you're going
to make him very famous
in the United States of America.

- That's the plan.
- Lee says you make pictures.

Films.
Yes, I do.

Have you ever made any films with anyone famous?

You know, film stars,
Mr. Kubrick.

Uh, Kirk Douglas.

James Mason.

Greta Garbo.

Um, Ava Gardner.

Um, Annette, uh, Funicello.

So you've never made
any Carry Onfilms then?

Uhh, no.

Well, then, dear, you've got
something to look forward to
then, haven't you?

Well, that's me.
That's me done.

I'm up the wooden hill
to Bedfordshire.

Oh, my God.
And you, Mrs. Vitali.

That was a lovely meal.

We must come here again.

Oh, that we will.
Come on.

[ Farting ]
Oh!
[ Cackling ]

Oh, she's a one, isn't she?
[ Quietly ]
Fucking hell.

Where are you going then?

Just going.

I thought that seeing as all the hospitality...

you've enjoyed
courtesy of Lee,

that when his number one fan
came down,

you might like
to show your gratitude by paying the bill yourself.

Seems to me the least you could do in the circumstances,
old son.

Thank you very much,
sir.

Thank you very much.

Norman,

that is--
that is a wonderful idea.

Let me see.

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Cyril ]
Oh, Mr. Pratt.

I'm sorry to
call you down so late.

That's all right, Cyril.
We weren't asleep, were we?

No, all is well with the world.
The concerts are sold out,
completely sold out.

Viva Las Vegas.

It's about... Mr. Kubrick.

Stan the man.

This afternoon,
after Mr. Kubrick
left his room...

to visit
the Starlight Spa and Sauna
in our basement,

Maria-Theresa,
a most trustworthy
Filipino cleaner--

[ Sighs ]
and I cannot tell you
how hard they are to get--

went to his room
to do the cleaning...

and discovered
a number of magazines
on the courtesy bar.

Well, let's hope it was
Celebrity Monthly,
featuring me.

These magazines
featured young men--

naked young men
performing explicit acts...

upon each other...

and in groups.

The sort of acts, I believe,
that were popular
in Sodom and Gomorrah.

Brighton and Hove,
you mean.

They were havin'
a gay old time.

Maria-Theresa, a most innocent
and devout Catholic,
went into shock...

and is receiving
counseling as we speak.

I was called, and I discovered
amongst these magazines...

a number of personal items
including a passport--

a passport not in the name
of Stanley Kubrick,

but in the name of Alan Conway,
a gentleman--

so Mr. Bates, our director
of security discovered,

much to thechagrin...

of everyone at South Coast
Hotels Limited--

to be a proven
confidence man.

No.

- Must be some mistake.
- None whatsoever, I'm afraid.

[ Toy Squeaks ]
Fuck off.

Oh. Oh, Christ, no.

No. Fuck.

Would you like to see
one of these magazines?

[ Sobbing ]

[ Rhythmic Knocking: "The Blue Danube Waltz" ]

Who is it?
[ Lee ]
It's me.

Come in.

How's it going,
Stanley?

W-Well, earlier I was speaking
to the David Letterman show,

and they were saying
that they...

c-can't wait
for you to come on.

They can't wait.

I think you and I
need a bit of a chat.

[ Whimpering ]
[ Lee ]
Go on!

[ Alan ]
Please!
[ Mumbling ]

Oh, God.
No! Please, no!

I can't swi-i-im!

Ooh. Ooh!

What is that smell?

Have you had one of
your floozies over?

Yeah. Sorry about that.
I had Sharon round.

We got a bit carried away.

I don't want to find
any stains-- any deposits.

You won't. We did it inside
bin bags on polythene,
all right?

Oh, yeah,
some journalist phoned.

- Huh! Right.
- Yeah, he knows all about
you and your tricks.

So you better watch out, eh? He's doing some big story on you.

A journalist? Yeah, he's gonna call back.

He's got your number, mate.
Knows all about you.

You're Alan Conway,
the guy who goes around impersonating Stanley Kubrick.

[ Alan ]
I'm sorry, I'm not.
Mr. Conway,

I have got
independent corroboration.

Wha-- I believe you.
Good.

I like your voice.
Thank you.

Well, Frank Rich
has written it up.

You are lying.
Oh, I'm not lying to you.
I've got it here in front of me.

It's in
the New York Times.
About me?

[ Woman ]
Mr. Conway! Mr. Conway!
Mr. Conway!

What have you got to say?

[ Chattering, Shouting ]

♪ [ "The Blue Danube Waltz" ]

♪ [ Phone Ringing
In Rhythm Of Waltz ]

[ Man ]
Hello?

Hello?

Mr. Conway?

Hello?

Ah, you're my audience.

You've come to see
my latest film.

Have they, eh, given you
an appointment yet?
[ Gasps ]

I am Stanley Kubrick.
I give the appointments
around here.

Would you please take a seat,
Mr. Kubrick, and not disturb
the other patients?

They're not patients.
They're my audience.

Aren't you?
Aren't you all?

Please tell her!
Tell her!
[ Man Chuckles ]

[ Orderly ] If you'd like to take a seat here, please. Why don't you tell her?

Alan?
Alan, it's me, Sean.

Is the camera ready now?

Has Miss Kirk Douglas
left her dressing room yet?

Um, Alan,
this is Dr. Stukeley.
She's gonna help you.

Piers, please,
take me home now!

Oh, Piers, I've been...

a very, very naughty boy.

Plea--
[ Dr. Stukeley ] This man's
condition is very serious.

[ Groans, Sobs ]
We need to institutionalize--

I mean, hospitalize him
right away.

He requires immediate sedation.
Well, can't you just
slip him a few Valium...

and get him to attend
a day clinic?
If only it were as easy as that.

It's quite beyond that.

[ Gasping ]
Quite beyond that.

There you are.

Mmm, mmm.

Shepherd's pie or
toad in the hole, love?

Why, thank you,
my good woman.

By the way,
do you know who I am?

No, but if you ask
the ward supervisor,
she'll tell you.

I'm Stanley Kubrick.

I'm Stanley Kubrick!

I'm Stanley Kubrick.

I'm Stanley Kubrick.

How dare you?

I'm Stanley Kubrick!
I'm Stanley Kubrick!

[ Chattering, Shouting ]

Will all the Stanley Kubricks
please be quiet
and eat their lunch?

Did you bring it?
Did I bring what?

The bottle, stupid.

You owe me, squire.

[ Window Squeaking ]
Mmm.

Never tasted better.

You know,
you had me worried that day
they brought you in here.

I thought you
really had flipped.

No, well, it's very
good insurance,
you see.

But with my glamorous
psychiatrist backing me,

they would never dare
bring this case to court.

[ Laughs ]

From the moment
I woke up this morning I knew something was different.

I couldn't put my finger
on exactly what it was.

Then I suddenly realized
I'd become myself again.

My real self.
I'd become Alan again.

Well, this may only be
a temporary remission.

We'll need to keep you here
under close observation.

You're such a good person,
Dr. Stukeley.

You really are a good person.
God bless you.

Let us return now
to your mother,

Nadja Conova,
the famous ballerina.

All right,
let me just ask you...

one simple question.

How come, when Mr. Conway
became Stanley Kubrick,

it was always in situations
and circumstances...

where he, Conway,
benefited directly?

Where he was on the take,
on the make.

No, no, no. Becoming Stanley Kubrick...

has cost Mr. Conway
the larger part
of his life savings.

Everyone, of course, expected Mr. Kubrick to be generous,

being so rich and famous, and Alan had to live up to that.

He spent many
thousands of pounds--
most of his life savings-- gone.

Where did you get this from?
From him?

You know, I think you're
willfully refusing...

to see the gravity
of Mr. Conway's condition.

He is a victim
of mental illness.

Dr. Stukeley,

why do you think he's saying
such hurtful things?

Can it be that he
doesn't want to see me
healing and recovering?

- Well, if you believe that,
you'd believe anything.
- [ Chattering ]

It was all bullshit--
[ Phone Rings ]

all oxygen for him.

Everybody felt sorry for him--

took him on his own terms,
as a victim.

What?

He appeared on television.

He even got paid
for newspaper articles.

Sic transit.

Yes, the International Journal of Psychiatric Studies...

has accepted my case
history study of you
for the winter issue!

Oh, that's
wonderful doctor.

Congratulations, really.

But, you know,
I'm afraid I must tell you,
and I must insist on this:

I couldn't possibly accept
even the smallest fee,

unless you thought
it was all right.

Nobody gets a fee,
not even I.

It is an honor
to be published there.

But would my name and address
be included in the article...

just in case anyone
should try and contact me?

Alan, patients are never
identified in case histories.

- They're always
given a pseudonym.
- Oh.

Not much mileage there.

- Sorry?
- I-- I was saying
I understand that.

Now, we must address ourselves
to your last and, might I say,
lingering problem.

[ Chuckles ]
My lack of cash?

No. I was referring more
to your alcoholism.

Oh, that? I've decided to send you...

on an alcoholic rehabilitation
course for four weeks...

to the Rimini Clinic.

The Rimini Clinic?

The Rimini Clinic?
But that's--

I read about that in one
of those magazines I bought
in the supermarket.

That's where all
the famous, uh, people,

uh, film stars and rock stars
go to dry out.

[ Dr. Stukeley ] It has a success rate of 95%.

But I can't afford
to stay there.

The National Health Service has four placements
a year there,

and you will be
one of them.

But, Dr. Stukeley,
I don't deserve
to go there.

It's essential. You're recovering, healing.

That's true.

W-Would I get
some sort of allowance while I'm in there, Doctor?

Hmm. We can discuss that later.

I'll be surrounded by--

by rich and famous people.

I'd be in lockdown.

How will I cope?

Hmm.
[ Man ]
♪ Midnight ♪

♪ With the stars and you ♪

♪ Midnight ♪

♪ And a rendezvous ♪

♪ Your arms ♪

♪ Held a message tender ♪

♪ Saying I surrender ♪

♪ All my love to you ♪

♪ Midnight ♪

♪ Brought a sweet romance ♪

♪ I've known ♪

♪ All my whole life through ♪

♪ I'll be remembering you ♪

♪ Whatever else I do ♪

♪ Midnight ♪

♪ With the stars and you ♪

[ Camera Clicks ]

[ Man ]
♪ I'm not the man
you think I am ♪

♪ I'm not that kind of guy ♪

♪ Beneath this sleek exterior ♪

♪ There's less
than meets the eye ♪

♪ I'm just what you've been looking for ♪

♪ Your wildest dream
come true ♪

♪ I'm not the man
you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man for you ♪

♪ I'm on important business ♪

♪ I'm late for my premier ♪

♪ I'm doin' you a favor ♪

♪ Just by bein' here ♪

♪ Surely you can buy a drink ♪

♪ For someone so renowned ♪

♪ I'm not the man
you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man you found ♪

♪ I'm burning
with indifference ♪

♪ I'm sleeping with desire ♪

♪ I'm selling snow to Eskimos ♪

♪ I'm preaching to the choir ♪

♪ My past
is catching up to me ♪

♪ My chips are coming due ♪

♪ I'm not the man
you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man for you ♪

♪ I'm not the man
you think I am ♪

♪ But I'm the man for you ♪

[ Man ]
♪ I don't really
want to know you ♪

♪ No, I don't really care ♪

♪ You have your silly little life and your ♪

♪ Silly little affairs ♪

♪ But I'm someone
you should get to know ♪

♪ I think that you'll agree ♪

♪ Let me tell you all about ♪

♪ All about me ♪

♪ It's all about me
Yeah ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪

♪ I'm here to tell you
what you get ♪

♪ Is exactly what you see ♪

♪ I don't have
too much time for talk ♪

♪ I'm a very busy man ♪

♪ I have a busy schedule ♪

♪ And a lot of future plans ♪

♪ It's all about me
Yeah ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪

♪ I'm here to tell you
what you get ♪

♪ Is exactly what you see ♪

♪ And why buy the cow ♪

♪ When you can get
the milk for free ♪

♪ It's not about you at all ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ It's all about me ♪