Original subtitles

There's a little bit of me in all my kids.

Zoey got my looks.

Junior got my work ethic.

Diane got my brains.

And Devante got my love of Cheerios.

But Jack?

Jack's my dude.

He's just like me.

He loves sports, good food,

and knows you don't have to read books to be smart.

When it comes to his favorite things,

if I like it,

Jack loves it.

With one exception.

It pains me to do this,

but it's for your own good.

I want you to have a better life

than the Clippers can give you.

Having a son who's exactly like you

is every man's dream.

Sure, we say we'll be happy

as long as they're healthy,

but we don't mean it.

Yes! An edge piece!

All we want is a little version of ourselves.

Jack!

Glad I got one on the second try.

Wednesday night MMA's about to start!

And you don't want to miss

the commentator with that nasty cauliflower ear.

Oh.

I took our wings to a new level tonight.

We got Teriyaki, Mango Habanero,

Lemon Pepper, Carolina BBQ,

and Chengdu-style cumin and chili rub.

Grab a plate.

Yeah, I can't. I'm vegan now.

You got anything in there without a face?

- Subs by kinglouisxx - for www.addic7ed.com

Vegan?

How did this happen?

Is your Uncle Johan here?

No. I saw a PETA ad before a YouTube video

on how to make a potato gun.

And that experiment ended, uh, poorly,

but the ad really stuck with me.

Son, I bought us chicken wings.

This is our thing.

You can go vegan tomorrow.

I'm sorry, Dad. This can't wait.

According to that ad,

there might not be a tomorrow if people don't go vegan.

Plus, think of the poor chickens.

Poor chickens?

Hey, man, his life wasn't gonna be that great.

He wasn't gonna write the next great American novel.

Did you know that the Diaz brothers are vegan?

And a lot of other MMA fighters are proving

that you don't have to eat meat to build muscle.

- Okay. - It's a common misconception

that it's hard for vegans to get protein.

But you've got quinoa, beans, nuts,

chickpeas, veggie burgers...

Son.

- Can we just watch the fight? - Sure.

...for Jay Dunne-Alexander

is fighting out of Toronto...

Ah, since going V, I just feel better.

I've got more energy, and my skin is clearer.

How long have you been doing this?

Mm...

almost two days now.

It's like my body is returning to its natural form,

just working better, you know?

Mm.

Mnm.

Hey.

What's going on with the sniffing, man? W-What's up with that?

It's the smell of those wings.

It's kind of taking over the whole room.

Uh, can you eat them outside or something?

They're chicken wings, not cigarettes.

Hey, both are harmful. Who's to say which is worse?

Okay, look, I'm not taking my food outside.

Okay. If that's how it's going to be,

then I'll just watch the fight in my room.

You can text me when you're done eating.

And crack a window.

It smells like Arkansas in here.

So, Jack's a vegan now?

Huh. That's so cool!

- No, it's not. - Why?

It's terrible. All right?

He's walking around here, all high and mighty,

like he's better than me.

I mean... he is better than you.

You wrap your bacon in bacon.

They're different thicknesses.

Dre, come on, this is a good thing.

Jack has been struggling

with his independence from Diane for years.

We should be encouraging this kind of behavior.

If Jack's a vegan, what am I supposed to do

with all this barbecue knowledge that I have, huh?

What... What? Pass it down to this guy?

Hey, the only thing I'm inheriting from you

is high blood pressure and your chains.

That's what you think.

You are burying me in those chains.

Dre! Don't sabotage this.

This is good for Jack. It's good for the Earth.

And it means you get more meat, so just leave it alone.

You know what?

I think I am gonna get Jack a bicycle helmet,

because once you go vegan,

cycling for transportation is not too far behind.

- You know, that's true. - Great.

Everyone is against me.

I need to clear my head.

I'm gonna go smoke a rack of ribs.

It's 11:00 at night.

Don't worry.

They'll be ready in time for breakfast.

Oh, God.

I am not a spy.

I am here on vacation.

YA ne shpion, ya zdes' v otpuske.

YA ne shpion, ya zdes' v otpuske.

I will exchange 40 pairs of blue jeans for the warhead.

- Hey, sweetie. - Hey.

It's allowance day.

- Oh, I know. - Here you go.

Great!

Okay, the limited-edition Beyonc� figurine drops tomorrow.

- Wait. - Mm-hmm.

You're spending your money on a doll?

Oh.

This isn't one of your potato dolls

from the compound, Mom.

This is a collectible piece of art,

like the Mr. T statue on Dad's desk.

Yeah, I begged your dad not to get that thing.

- And guess what? - What?

- It's only $300. - Oh, my God.

- Can you believe it? - I cannot.

- I know. - Diane.

- Hmm? - I don't understand.

Isn't that a waste of money?

Nope. This is what I want.

Okay, Diane.

I worry that we are raising you in so much privilege

that you've got a skewed idea of money.

I mean, Zoey and Junior really struggled financially

when they first moved out,

and I don't want that to happen to you.

Zoey and Junior are idiots, so I'll be fine.

Oh! They opened the waiting room.

- Unbelievable. - Okay.

Okay. What's wrong, Dre, huh?

Has a ruptured Achilles sent someone back to the 'hood?

No.

Jack went vegan.

Like Coretta Scott King, Bill Clinton...

- Mm-hmm. - ...and my barber?

What?

Huh. He's in pretty good company.

My barber stormed the beach at Normandy.

- Hmm. - Last year.

He's being ridiculous, and the worst part about it...

Bow thinks it's a good idea for him.

She thinks it's good for his independence.

Well, then you tell Bow that she's gonna be the one

to have to buy him a bra

when he starts developing breasts

from eating all that soy.

Mm-hmm. Exactly.

Did he meet a girl?

I went vegan once for a girl.

We weren't dating or anything.

She just asked me to do it over e-mail.

Um, it was m-more of a-a newsletter she sent out

with lifestyle tips.

It was Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop.

Oh, God.

But after a few days,

I realized it was manlier to eat meat,

so I was a meat eater.

Rawr.

Pathetic.

I myself went vegan for a few years by accident.

- Years? - Yes.

In 2006,

I came into a cargo container full of bacon bits.

How I got that container? It's not important.

What is important is that those bits

kept me alive for two years.

Long story short, the nurse at the hospital

told me that bacon bits are vegan.

I don't think that's true.

Also, if you eat nothing

but salad toppings without salad...

your liver starts to beat.

2 seconds fast, 11 slow.

Okay, none of this makes any sense, Dre.

- First of all, okay, meat is delicious. - Mm-hmm.

Jack is doing this just to spite you.

Eustace got a paternity test just to spite me.

And just to spite him, I gave him my brother's DNA.

So, things are...

needlessly complicated right now.

Okay, look, this isn't spite.

He's my dude. He's just easily influenced.

You know, I'm gonna put my foot down,

get things back to normal.

Yeah, I don't know. I'd tread lightly there, Dre.

The more you push back on this,

the more likely Jack is to dig his heels in.

- Connor. - Mm-hmm.

He wanted to be a fireman, and I said no,

- and you know what he did? - What?

He set a factory on fire just so he could put it out.

- What? - That fire burned for seven days

and, uh, it also took down

the birthplace of Willa Cather.

"O Pioneer."

- Okay. - Point is, Dre,

Connor was just being rebellious. That's all he was.

And if I had just backed off or even if I had encouraged him,

pbht, he just would have gotten bored

and moved on to the next thing.

- Maybe you're right. - Yeah.

Yeah, if I leave it alone,

this vegan thing will go in the closet

next to his old karate outfits and the saxophone.

Exactly.

It'll all work out, Dre,

just like it all worked out for us.

Less so for those, uh...

those garment workers in the factory.

And you just can't find those shirts anymore.

The guys were right.

All I had to do was let Jack run out of steam,

and things would be back to normal.

Jack!

I'm powering up the Pay-Per-View for the fight!

Let's go!

Dad, I don't eat meat.

Hey, hey, yo, son.

These are vegan barbecue wings, all right?

Textured tofu wrapped around a wooden stick,

expertly coated

- in vegan barbecue sauce. - Wow.

That's so cool that you're open to giving vegan wings a shot.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Those are all for you.

Ah.

There's my dinner right there.

Wheel it in here, son!

Oh, snap!

This smells amazing!

Ah. And we've got the fight on?

I'm so glad I canceled plans with Olivia tonight.

This is gonna be awesome.

Okay, hey, hey, hey.

Just park it right there and leave the room.

But I just... I just drove two hours to get all this.

If you leave the room now,

I might save you some burnt ends.

Now my clothes smell all smoky.

Mmm. Phillips Barbecue.

We haven't had this in a minute.

This is your favorite spot.

Oh.

Well, it used to be your favorite spot,

until you went vegan.

Uh, now we have to find you a new favorite spot.

Look, if you're asking me to choose

between barbecue and animal welfare,

then it's an easy call, playboy.

But then again,

I don't put my own pleasure above other's suffering.

Hey, just because I like to eat barbecue

doesn't make me a bad person.

I didn't say you were a bad person.

You just make bad choices. And that's okay.

I know it's okay.

I don't need your permission to eat barbecue.

So, then why are you getting so defensive?

I'm not defensive. I'm angry.

I don't want to fight.

I'm just a little surprised

that this is the example that you want to set for me.

Okay.

Looks like Jack is pushing back.

This is gonna take longer than I thought.

Want some?

You want some?

All right.

- Hey. - Hey.

You still want some barbecue?

Oh, it's all I can think about.

I thought it was gonna be hours before I got your scraps.

Well, I couldn't break Jack,

and I offered it to Devante, but he wasn't hungry.

You know, I don't understand

why Jack is pushing back all of a sudden.

Oh, he's just testing boundaries,

like when I went goth just to get under your skin.

I don't remember that.

I did it for months.

I just thought you were really sick.

No, I was trying to show you that I was my own man.

So, what made you give up on all that goth stuff?

They told me that "real goths don't go Christmas caroling,"

so that was the end of that.

So, all I need to do is find a loophole

to get Jack to stop all this nonsense.

Hey, give me that. That's Jack's dinner.

Jack!

I knew I shouldn't have skipped breakfast.

- Got a minute? - Sure.

- Mm. - Guess what?

- Yes? - I got the doll.

Oh.

Knowing that so many people didn't get it

makes me feel so much better.

- Mm-hmm. - I wish I could see their tears.

Yeah.

You've always loved to watch people cry.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

Listen, this doll...

- Yes. - ...has exposed

that you make really bad choices with your allowance.

But it's my money.

Shouldn't I be able to spend it on what I want?

Sure. Sure.

But let's see what happens...

if you save.

So, I was thinking

I would give you half of your allowance

to spend as you like, and the other half,

I will put into an interest-earning account

until the end of the year,

and then, on December 31st, boom!

You can take it out plus the $10 to $15 interest,

depending on the rates.

Huh? Huh?

It's like two Christmas gifts without a divorce.

Two.

But I was counting on the whole allowance

to buy an exclusive hat for the doll next week.

Mm. Well...

with the interest that you make,

we're talking two hats, sweetheart.

- Two. - But... Whoa.

It... It's gonna be sold out

by the time I have enough money to get it.

Well, then, you can just keep your money.

- See? It's already working. - But, Mom, I'm good with...

Okay, you are gonna thank me when you get older, promise.

A therapist will be mediating our conversations

- when I'm older. - Mm-hmm.

A therapist that you paid for

with your magic compound interest.

Huh?

Hey, body roll.

Bye.

Hey, Jack.

I've been thinking about what you said before.

- Really? - Yeah.

I've been doing a lot of reading,

and even though changing my diet

may be completely foreign to me,

I think you were on the right track.

Wow, Dad. T-That... This is big.

I know new things can be scary for people your age.

Grandma had a panic attack when I showed her Spotify.

Yeah. Thank you for understanding.

You know, maybe I'll even give being a vegan a try.

Then I can be the only vegan in the house.

What?

Your leather shoes, son.

You can stop eating meat all you want,

but if you're wearing leather, you're not a vegan.

You're a hypocrite.

Are all my shoes leather?

Yes.

You know, being a vegan limits your shoe selection.

Look, Jack,

you've proved your point, all right?

Uh, y-you stood up for yourself,

but what if you just gave up this whole vegan thing

and went back to the way that things were?

Don't you miss when things were easy?

All right.

Good. Yes.

I knew you'd finally come back around.

- Guess I'm selling all my shoes. - What?

I'd rather my shoes be ugly and the cows be live

than my shoes be live and the cows be dead.

Okay, you're gonna stop this vegan nonsense.

- Why? - Because I said so.

I'm not a kid anymore.

You can't just tell me what to do,

- especially when you're wrong. - Oh, okay.

You want to be treated like an adult?

Well, the gloves are coming off.

I bought those shoes for you,

so you don't have a right to sell them.

- Yes, I do. - No, you don't!

- Yes, I do! - No, you don't!

- Yes, I do! - No, you don't!

Dah... Aah!

- The limited editions. - You know what?

Do what you want with your stupid shoes.

I'm not wearing them, and I'm done with Fight Night.

Whatcha doing?

- Buying something. - With what?

You spent all your money on that Beyonc� doll.

No.

I invested my money in that Beyonc� doll.

I flipped it for 10 times what I paid.

What? I thought you really wanted that doll.

Yeah, I wanted it because the retail price

didn't match the true market value.

- Basic arbitrage. - Right.

Arbitrage. Mm-hmm.

Well, I know what that is.

But why don't you tell me so that I make sure

you're using that word correctly?

- Okay. - Mm-hmm.

Well, it's when you take advantage

- of the... - Of the...

- ...price disparity... - ...price disparity...

- ...between two markets. - That's exactly right.

- Yeah, in this case... - Uh-huh.

- ...the seller of the doll... - Yes.

- ...and the secondary market. - That's right.

That is right.

So, uh...

you actually never wanted the doll?

Please.

I'm not after toys.

I'm after real estate.

I just put my doll profits into fractional ownership

of a townhome complex in Charlotte.

North Carolina?

- Mm-hmm. - Huh.

It's a growth market with low property tax.

Of course.

You know, which reminds me, um, do you have any...

income streams besides this doctor thing?

Um...

So, if you get a malpractice suit

or lose a hand or something, it's over?

Well...

You know, you better tighten up those finances, Rainbow,

because you cannot stay at my place in Charlotte

when you go broke, honey.

How was Fight Night?

Did the permanent bodily injury entertain you?

It was terrible.

- Aw. - Jack's still a vegan.

Why would Jack stop being a vegan?

Oh, my God.

You tried to tempt him with meat, didn't you?

- Of course I tried to tempt him. - Dre!

And then we ripped a $200 shoe in half.

Okay, I'm not surprised you did any of that,

but I thought we agreed

that we were gonna encourage his veganism.

You know I don't listen to you, Bow.

Just like Jack doesn't listen to me.

Oh, sweetheart.

I know it hurts when Jack doesn't agree with you,

but don't you want a son that thinks for himself?

I want a son who agrees with everything I say and do.

Aren't you the least bit impressed by his strong will?

I mean, come on.

You launched a full-fledged Dre attack.

This meat is psychological warfare,

and he held his own against you.

Yeah.

I guess that's something.

Yeah. Dre, that's something.

You're a lunatic if someone disagrees with you.

I am relentless.

You know he gets his strength from me.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm gonna go talk to him.

Let him know how proud I am of him.

- Yeah. - Hey.

- Yes? - Thanks, babe.

Sure. Sure.

I was in labor for 42 hours with the twins, but sure!

He gets his strength from you!

Synthetic leather.

Sorry, old friend,

can't let any more synthetics die for my game.

Hey.

New shoes?

Yeah, yeah.

I know these shoes are ugly,

but they're the only vegan ones I've got.

And unlike you, they give me room to breathe.

Okay, son. I'm sorry for earlier.

You stood up to me, and I didn't like it.

Yeah, but you know,

I did the same thing to Pops when I was your age.

He wouldn't let me get an earring,

and I told him he didn't control my body.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

What did he do?

Kicked me out of the house.

Luckily, an hour later,

Mama kicked him out of the house, and I was back in.

But...

I stood my ground.

Just like you are.

And I'm proud of you, son.

You're sticking to your guns,

and that's not always easy to do,

especially when someone like me

is going to challenge you at every step.

Every step?

You're going to keep acting like this?

Probably.

Okay.

Just so you know, I'm not giving up.

- Mm-hmm. - This is important to me.

I just don't know how you do it, son.

- Don't you get cravings? - Yeah.

Well, I get through them by eating a lot of pepperoni.

- Actually... - Pepperoni?

Yeah.

As long as I have pepperoni,

this vegan thing... it isn't so tough.

Son...

pepperoni is pork.

No. It's ground-up peppers.

That's why it's called pepperoni.

Oh, buddy.

What?

Oh, no.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, I still believe in the stuff that I said.

Okay, just 'cause I'm not a perfect vegan

doesn't mean that I'm not gonna keep trying

- to do the right thing. - Okay. All right.

And if that's what you want to do, son,

I will support you.

I appreciate that.

Maybe we can start off with Meatless Mondays

and work our way up from there.

How about, um...

"Is This Meat?" Mondays,

where I can still enjoy a hot dog?

- Dad. - Okay. Okay, son.

You know, we'll try to eat less meat.

Just not on Wednesdays.

And the Super Bowl.

And, uh...

the majority of the summer barbecue months.

- Mm. - And Thanksgiving.

And Christmas.

O-Okay. Okay.

So, you're willing to try four days a week,

three months out of the year?

I'd do that for you, my dude.

- All right. - All right.

You threw out all of the barbecue?

Well, I'm a vegan... for the rest of the night.

I'm not!

I am so hungry!

Okay. Account's set up, and I'm ready to invest.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, what about Apple?

Ooh. Tesla.

No, oh, oh! What about Bitcoin?

What are you? A lacrosse player in B school?

- What? - Unh-unh.

We need to look into emerging markets,

like Turkmenistan.

- Turkmenistan? - Mm-hmm.

Their biggest natural gas company just had an IPO,

and we need to get in before the sanctions.

Okay, Diane, I-I don't want to invest

- in anything unsavory. - Fine.

Well, enjoy your zero percent return

on peace and love.

- What? - Civilians.

Ci... Okay, Diane.

You know what? No problem.

I can do it by myself!

All righty.

Um...

I am going to invest

in one share of fair-trade granola.

Buy.

No! Oh! Oh, no!

Oh, no. Okay.

I just bought 1,000 pounds of loose granola.

Diane!

How do you undo?

Diane?

Diane?