Original subtitles

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- Are you recording?

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

Are you recording?

- [Man] Maybe.

- Yeah you are.

(soft guitar music)

(singing)

- [Voiceover] Pardon my interruption.

What you're about to see is a short film entitled

"How Would You Feel?" created by one Terence Nance

in 2006.

"How Would You Feel" is an educational film

that examines theories about how humans come to experience

a singular emotion.

In its original form it was presented as a work of fiction.

We will interrupt the film "How Would You Feel"

from time to time with a new film entitled

"An Oversimplification of Her Beauty".

We will do this in order to provide the context necessary

to tell a complete story.

So, let's say that one day you arrive at your home.

It has been a long day during which you have worked

no less than 12 consecutive hours.

This is, in your case, a typical day.

However, this particular day, a young lady who you know

and a little more than like, has told you that she is coming

to be in your company this evening.

So as you empty your pockets and begin to get settled

you see that she has telephoned you.

Of course, you telephone her back.

She answers, she tells you that she has just arrived

at her own home and won't be coming to yours tonight.

At that moment, given the circumstances, how would you feel?

Now let's say that this particular day began at 8am

when you woke up too late to arrive at your place

of employment on time.

Your daily commute is no less than one hour,

although you arrive on time, you are disappointed in your

inability to awake yourself consistently in situations

when you are in a bed alone.

You are disappointed because this disability speaks

to a lack of self control.

Self control that you feel entitled to, but do not possess.

The evening before you worked late and consequently

slept for only three hours.

And let's say that you have no bed and no money

and a stubborn yet quixotic do-it-yourself attitude.

So you built your bed in a wood shop using Japanese

wood joinery techniques that you learned from a book

you found in the garbage.

You possess no means of personal transportation

so you elected to transport this bed, piece by piece,

on the train ride home.

Rushing yourself because you expected to be in the company

of this lady quite soon.

After all, she has told you she would be in your company

this evening.

So you empty your pockets, get settled and notice

you have missed her call.

You call her back.

She tells you, she has just arrived at her own home

and won't be seeing you tonight.

At that moment, given the circumstances, how would you feel?

Now let's just say that over the span of four to eight weeks

this young lady has become a very good friend of yours.

This friendship is platonic.

- [Voiceover] Let's say that you're attracted to her.

You do not know if she, in the deep recesses of her soul,

harbors any amorous feelings for you, as you do for her.

But when parting from each other's presence

she lightly kisses you, on your lips.

Seldom, but with intention.

And a hint of mischief and doubt, opaque in her pupils.

- [Voiceover] Let's say you and this lady friend

have slept together on between 4 and 18 occasions.

And by "slept together" I mean just that.

Sleeping.

Each occasion occurs in either one of your full-sized beds.

Each time you share a bed you grow closer, physically.

Until you cannot get any closer.

And let's say that this growth seems mutually fulfilling.

It is gentle, supple, but fortunately it is accelerating

in intensity.

Of course, each morning after and for varying lengths

of time during the days between these encounters--

- [Voiceover] You daydream about this most

enigmatic of connections.

You allow the taste of your time together to linger

in your mouth and coat your hands.

You think of the food you cooked together.

And the way her navel feels against your fingertip.

A sweetness prevails.

Today, during your frustration with your bed, your income

and your commute you found respite in the fact that--

- [Voiceover] On that particular evening you would have

the opportunity to be in her company.

You would have been uplifted by just the thought of spending

this time with this woman.

The night before you are to meet this young lady,

you dream a dream that you remember.

Seldom do you remember your dreams.

In this dream, you ascend above your existence

and shared, among other things,

a Western understanding of time.

You meet her in a sky.

She has taken the form of a sun, but does not emit heat.

You ask for the time.

She refers you to a moon who, unfortunately,

does not have the same gravitational pull as she.

You fall from the sky and are awakened by your alarm

too late to arrive at your place of employment on time.

So let's say that this frustrates you because it evidences

a lack of self-control.

You also overslept because in an exercise in self-discipline

you worked much later than usual, attempting to meet

your daily income quota.

After work, you finished the remaining pieces of your day.

Incidentally, the bed did not fit together quite right,

because you are not a very good carpenter.

Nor do you read Japanese.

When you brought it home, you stood on the train platform

and watched--

- [Voiceover] Three full trains pass.

Each more full than the next.

People push themselves against each other.

You imagined a collective amorous feeling

floating in the air.

Even though there was not enough room for you and your bed,

still you rushed yourself home--

- [Voiceover] With this woman in your head.

And as you get settled,

you see that you have missed her call.

- Hello?

- [Voiceover] You call back.

She says that she's just arrived at her own home.

And will not be seeing you tonight.

- [Voiceover] Now at that moment, given the circumstances,

how would you feel?

Now, let's say that in life you are not chronically lonely

but--

- [Voiceover] The vast majority of your days and nights

are spent alone.

All the same usually because you are very busy.

Busy with finishing your education so--

- [Voiceover] You can finish knowing who you are

so that you can finish with those years in life

during which you have no clear answer to the question

"What do you do?"

Generally speaking, with a few notable exceptions

those that desire your company do not interest you

in a way that would provoke you to set aside time

to engage them.

Those that do interest you, those for whom you would

manufacture time, do not live in your vicinity.

Or do not seem so interested in you as you in them.

And let's say that a woman who you are presently

in love with has decided to enter an exclusive romantic

relationship with someone who provides for her

the stability and maturity that you cannot.

You marvel at the contradiction between the intensity

of your love for her and your inability to accurately

express this same love.

You wonder aloud when you will grow different

and occasionally allow yourself to wallow in this gingerly

debilitating self-doubt.

Now let's say that at this very moment you were introduced

to this young lady by a mutual friend.

You quickly crafted a reason to work closely with her.

You collaborated on designs for T-shirts, you became good

friends, real friends, with inside jokes

and clear recollection of the intricacies of each other's

body odor even when apart.

You were from the very moment you laid your eyes inside

her eyes intensely attracted to her.

You don't have much self control and you acted clearly

on this attraction.

Let's say that for a good while she entertained

your flirtatious advances with a timbre and grace

of someone with mutual romantic feelings.

Let's say that this went for between four to eight weeks.

And during this time facilitated a concrete attachment

grounded in a sincere care for this young lady's

well-being and peace of mind.

This care and concern possibly one-sided but if at least

entertained by her words and actions went unchecked

and flourished in a direction clearly departing the platonic

in pursuit of the romantic.

One evening, maybe not at the height of the aforementioned

flourishing, but at some point it was steadily growing,

let's say this young lady friend reveals to you

that she is engaged in an exclusive romantic relationship

with a young man who she has described to you

as both charismatic and caring.

She directly tells you that his charisma only keeps her

periodically content and he is thus forced to compensate

for this in a variety of ways.

Also from both her complaints and your observations of their

relationship, you note that although you are completely

different from this young man in both sensibility and style

you are likely to meet a similar, if not identical, fate.

When she tells you this, you perform some simple arithmetic

and conclude that she has been withholding this information

from you for between four and eight weeks.

Let's say that in one of your moments of acute

self-awareness you admit to yourself that you knew--

- [Voiceover] All along about her exclusive romantic

relationship.

She was indeed not adept at hiding it.

You of course chose to ignore it, telling yourself

that her and her boyfriend must have an agreement

or understanding that would allow for relationships

just like the one you have with her.

You told yourself this was the case, no matter how

implausible that inference was.

Their relationship aside, you focus on the fact that

you perceive her to be attracted to you.

She has yet to say as much, but let's say that after

the initial hardship the news of her exclusive romantic

relationship brought about, your rapport with this

lady friend eases back into the way that it was before.

And your relationship is now augmented with quotation marks.

- [Voiceover] To illustrate fragility and moral destitution

of the situation.

And let's say that this is the current state of affairs

when you experience this day.

Again, not the best of days, you wake up slightly late,

you arrive to work late, you stay later out of guilt

and subsequently you are late for a course

you are enrolled in.

When you arrive the professor looks at you coldly and says,

"You should've been here."

You do, however, manage to finish building and transporting

the last few pieces of your bed.

Unfortunately the bed does not function properly

because you made it out of pine which is a soft wood.

For the proper strength required for a sturdy bed

you would've needed a hard wood like maple, oak, or mahogany

Of course you rush home, kids on the train often tease you

because of the length of your hair.

You are amused, you are shamefully dirty because you

have not showered, shaved, or applied deodorant in two days.

When you get home you realize that you have

left your apartment in disarray because you have not

had time to clean it.

You of course were planning to clean for this occasion

with this lady.

You start to get settled.

You noticed that she has telephoned you.

Of course you telephone her back.

She tells you that she has herself just arrived

at her own home.

And will not be able to come and see you tonight.

Now, at that moment,

(piano music)

given the aforementioned circumstances

how would you feel?

(atmospheric music builds)

(piano music)

- [Voiceover] During your romance with (mumbles)

you were reading a book.

(mumbles)

I highly recommend it.

The book tells the story of (beep) and (beep) is trying

to get (beep) to fall in love with him.

This all takes place on (beep) reservation in North (beep).

- [Woman] What page is it?

- [Man] 90-something.

- 'kay. - [Man] Early 90s.

- It says, "I felt him looking at me, it's what happens

"with boys like him, less said, more felt.

"He was bad at that look exchange game.

"You always know when they are looking your way.

"When if you return the look, they're looking directly

"the other way.

"The smooth ones either keep looking at you

"or subtly divert their eyes.

"Boys like him turn away because they can imagine you being

"wherever they are looking.

"I was dancing and in so doing, paying close attention

"to the exciting realities of my flesh.

"Probably more attention than (beep).

"Like where on me was exposed to the air."

That's right.

- [Man] Yeah, that's the part.

- Okay.

"Here on the rez, it was pretty easy for them to set up

"a lot for the picture show.

"Going to the picture show, along with the bingo,

"was maybe the only indulgence we were afforded

"in western entertainment.

"That and the fire water.

Have we ever been to the movies together?

- [Man] I don't remember.

- [Woman] So...

"The pleasant movies always gave soft edges to things.

"And had colors placed in locales unfamiliar to me.

"Yellow roses, bright brown eyes, stark white pigeons.

"Being around him may have been like stepping into

"one of those display wards.

"With fantastical displaced colors.

"And no knowledge of what might or should happen.

"Nevertheless, there in the pictures,

"he was entirely in control.

"And another thing, our interaction amounted to glances.

"Portions of fractions of seconds that inspired those

"unfortunately girly vivid day dreams that we tend to get

"when someone of consequence invades our sight-lines.

"Meeting, to growing, to marriage, to family.

"Only a moment in real life, but a lifetime in my mind.

"It occurred to me that at some point, he's going to get me.

"My social status as the beautiful and educated

"but not intensely Christian one affords me

"certain permissions and behavior.

"I can stand closer to people, breastfeed my son,

"or anyone else's child in the open air and stare at people

"without seeming rude or malintentioned in anyway.

"So after I had danced, I was left to people watch.

"It was then that I caught myself consuming him.

"Strictly visual feasts, indulgence in his details, details.

"Instantaneous swells of guilt rose around me and I blink

"slow so maybe when I open my eyes he would be gone.

"I did, he wasn't.

"But now I had control and kept my thoughts still practical

"where they should be, because obsessions are futile.

"The dreams they procreate never come to fruition.

"Why do they stay fiction?

"Why don't they come to fruition you ask?

"Well, realism, pessimism and cynicism are so much safer

"than the alternatives.

"You avoid disappointment by not indulging in your

"yet-to-be experienced desires.

"But you do disable your dreams in so doing.

"Their nature is a cause and effect thing.

"You must free them to work on you and only then

"will they oblige you and come true.

"However, had I been able to stand it, consumed him longer

"I would've come to the opposite conclusion.

"But they were just glances.

- No, well this is not the end, I thought you's looking for

Lucille, but someone (mumbles),

but no maybe you have the wrong number.

But feel free to call back, whoever you looking for

might be coming here, I don't know.

But I can't understand who you saying you looking for.

Bye-bye.

- "Pessimism, practicality, cynicism, realism,

"comfort zones, I'm actually against all these things.

"But at least with him, I still act on them."

None of this is like me.

- [Voiceover] Would you feel vexed, slightly irked,

confused or confounded, exasperated, displeased, remorseful

- [Voiceover] Worn or withered, heartbroken, defeated,

piled upon, suckered, cheated, discarded, unloved, envious,

enraged, ignored, small, tiny, microscopic, quantum,

eternal, embarrassed, indecisive, ashamed,

amused, indifferent, enamored?

Take a moment to ascertain how you'd feel if these things--

- [Voiceover] Happened to you.

Why would you feel these ways?

Close your eyes and track the source of the feelings.

Go on.

Pain you say?

A subtle pain, interesting.

Maybe you are feeling pain that lies in the void

between expectations and reality.

(birds chirping)

Maybe the unnameable emotion you are feeling that evening

is, as emotions tend to be, entirely irrational.

An organism without reason.

Insecurity, for instance, that parasite

has got the best of you.

This series of events is not the cause

of your momentary feeling, it cannot be that.

Consider the emotions, what actually happened

is not important.

What you must take note of, is the self doubt.

And the void between who you actually are

and who you think you are.

The void between how you actually feel

and how she thinks you feel.

The void between your perception of your capacity to love

and your actual skillset in this regard.

Maybe it's your self-assuredness.

You have an extraordinary amount of faith

in the fidelity of your expectations.

Emotions should be expressed.

If the cause of your momentary feelings are simply

irrational emotions, you need to release them, let them go.

Write out the events of the evening in detail,

review the details, consider their absurdity,

connect your emotional state to a series of actions

performed by people whom you can blame.

Blame yourself, blame her, debunk the rationality

of these connections.

Sleep, wake up, draw a few images that illustrate

how you feel.

Do not finish, draw until you feel lighter.

Write more, sleep, wake up.

Decide to be honest, entertain the idea of calling her

and telling her you are madly in love with her.

Let the impulse pass.

Cower from it.

Most likely the heartache from the previous night,

a physiological symptom of your feelings has yet to fade.

Allow this to amuse you, it's funny if you think about it.

The unyielding grip your emotions have

on your physical well-being.

(piano music)

What follows is a brief exegesis in which we explain

the nature of your relationships with those with whom

you are in love as of the completion of this film.

You met Najja when she was born.

This was shortly after your own birth.

Currently, you do not see her because of the distance.

(ticking timer)

The aforementioned ambivalence ruined your relationship.

You were at a time in your life where you were incapable

of being direct.

She was at the time a far more evolved being than you.

And was repelled by both your inability

to reciprocate affection

and speak clearly about your feelings

no matter the implications.

(unique violin music)

You and Joy, although fully in love, have not attempted

a committed relationship because of the fact that

you do not reside in the same municipality.

However, you hypothesis that the cause of your separation

may be more so because you are too sure

of the connection's viability.

A commitment to a woman with whom you are so intensely

compatible would leave you with nothing else to search for.

Rendering your distance from her, a product of your

addiction to the unpredictability of your feast and famine

romantic existence.

On a more pragmatic level, Joy may just not be that into you

(birds chirping)

(atmospheric music)

At first, you think you do not see Prescent

because she is no longer interested in you romantically.

Your ego pushes that thought from your head

and you convince yourself that the nature

of her relationship with her girlfriend does not allow

for you to all maintain a romantic relationship.

You infer, with no evidence, that she is in a blissful place

where some combination of disinterest in you

and enchantment with her new relationship

inspires her to maintain an untraversable distance

between her and you.

Unfortunately you have not mastered the art of sustaining

platonic arrangements in the midst

of extreme romantic attraction.

All of the rationale you formulate to explain her current

disinterest in you, is simply a way of ignoring

your many faults.

The armor of stoicism you wear when you are in love.

Your inability to commit in simple ways.

Commit to visiting or calling.

Commit to being honest.

Most of these faults played a large part in the current

state of affairs.

Her new relationship and its blinding beauty

is an easy scapegoat on which to pin the blame

of your current separation.

You will concede to any rationale in order to avoid the fact

that somewhere inside you, you know that she may simply

not love you anymore.

- [Woman] Hey, you leaving?

- [Man] Me? I would never leave, but I am shrinking.

- [Voiceover] Kamo lives on another hemisphere.

You long for the idea that she longs for you.

She was your first.

You wonder what number you are for her.

(crickets)

Kudzai lives in another hemisphere.

And most likely has forgotten that you exist.

In your nonexistence, your dreams take hold.

They are very powerful.

So powerful, in fact, that you often miss

things you never had.

You intensely miss your year-long courtship with her.

Even though it may have never existed.

- [Voiceover] Let's talk about reality.

There are elements of this hypothetical situation

that are tangible, they can touch you and can be touched.

Unlike your emotions, they are inescapable.

These elements are as follows:

Number one, you are emotionally unavailable.

A symptom of the post-traumatic stress

of a previous relationship.

How you feel is not a result of any series events

or an irrational emotion fabricated in order to distract

yourself from the necessity--

- [Voiceover] Of addressing your immaturity.

This circumstance is the cause.

It is unavoidable.

So the night greets you with sleep you do not deserve

but need.

And loneliness you have imposed upon yourself

but do not deserve.

The reality is that she is gone.

You were not available, so she left.

Number two, the time spent releasing, writing,

making films with her, painting her with light,

shall we say, was an insufficient substitute--

- [Voiceover] For spending time with her in a social setting

You cannot replace those circumstances with these.

There is little joy in this new space.

Mostly quiet smiles and internal musings about

what you you should have said or done

during the moments you are reenacting.

Number three, in reality you cannot write

about the situation without recalling the emotions

it provoked.

Unfortunately, the painful ones reconstitute themselves

the most firmly.

Brutally beating all the endless conversations

and comfortable silences.

- [Voiceover] I would kiss you on your lips,

seldom but with intention.

- [Voiceover] The shame and pain do not erase the beauty

entirely, but the beauty stays clear of whatever

emotions find their way onto the page.

What remains is what bludgeoned you, confused you,

shamed you, and emasculated you.

- [Voiceover] I'm in an exclusive romantic relationship.

- [Voiceover] Number four, in reality chance does not often

fall on your side.

You do not believe in luck, per say, but inevitably

as you begin to write this story,

your pen will run out of ink, your bed will break,

you will kiss her with certainty and not doubt.

She will turn you away.

You will never disclose your feelings.

She will find someone new.

You imagine her in your bed at night.

She occupies someone else's.

She will find someone else, in reality.

She will hurt you with her silence, her quiet enigmatic

beauty, her impenetrable stare, its politeness,

its indecipherability, its taste.

You will become distracted again, walk into her magic.

Kiss her with love and she will turn you away.

She will find someone new.

You will watch her watch you tell her how you feel.

You will watch her not care.

In defense, you will forget what happened.

You will forget her mind, her mother's name,

her favorite color, her (mumbles), her laugh, her smell.

You will continue to write, ignorant, forgetful.

You will oversimplify her beauty.

You will revise her without her edges.

In reality, you love this simple version of her.

She is familiar, benign.

You will speak to the real her again.

Before doing so you will prepare yourself.

Pray the new her seems the same as the old her.

She tells you she is in an exclusive romantic relationship

with a young man whom she likes quite a bit.

You retreat, keep your distance.

She catches your eyes.

You pray to a western god for a closeness with her.

A shared secret, a kiss, a hug, a child, a family, a fight.

One where you make up and make another child.

- [Voiceover] You are floating involuntarily toward

her magic.

You will tire of this dance.

But never so much as to disengage with it,

turn off the music,

even though you know that you should.

- [Voiceover] Even though it may have never existed.

- What are you doing?

- [Voiceover] One's identity is most often bound

in the objectifying eye of the beholder.

Even if one finds themselves beholding themselves.

Thus disposition and identity are entirely defined

by individual interpretation.

We will call this phenomenon the lens.

For this exercise you must imagine an entirely unfiltered

and unapologetic view of yourself.

This self-awareness is necessary in order for us

to formulate accurate conclusions.

We need accurate facts about who you are

and the idiosyncrasies that define an independent you.

These facts are as follows,

a note like a list of ingredients, the component

that dominants the very simple formula is listed first.

So first, them.

A sight of a certain type of woman causes you to stumble.

She is most often brown, maternal, well-read, well-travelled

and capable of holding a note or playing an instrument.

By the grace of the goddess, this archetype usually

takes notice of you in a way that would

divert their attention from your clumsiness.

Often their attention is diverted long enough for you

to come across composed.

And even intention-less.

These moments are few and far between,

so capitalization is a must.

Rule number two, never ever

let a beautiful person pass you by.

You are meditative and masochistic in a way that

facilitates your creative functionality.

You like the poetics of sad songs more.

You are, shall we say, more enamored with the bad news.

(guitar music)

(singing blues)

Third, your hope and idealism stem from a forgone reality.

A childhood that took place in a community

that provided a wealth of love, knowledge and support.

You are supremely privileged in the sense that you were

throughout your childhood provided with a pristinely

healthy emotional environment.

Your childhood was conspicuously void of angst, conflict

and repression, thus the trace amounts that are present now

have a profound effect on your emotional disposition.

Number four, you assume a persona of ambivalence, aloofness

and at times, stoicism in matters of love.

You assume this persona as a means of attracting women.

It seems to work out better if they believe you to be calm

under the pressure of heated attraction.

This behavioral mask has been the direct cause of three

discrete and meaningful happenings and/or experiences

in this hypothetical situation.

The first of these happenings is something

that did not happen.

You have not been able to tell her how you feel

about the relationship directly.

Until of course, the short film "How Would You Feel?"

was finished and subsequently screened for the public.

- I feel pretty strange.

No, I mean, you know, it's weird,

how many people you sayin' that to?

It's not really a normal situation.

I have a beer burp.

I generally avoid the fact in conversation

and direct interaction.

Well if you don't know what to do with it you might

misuse it or abuse it or enjoy it

and they're all dangerous things.

Because enjoying it you let go and give yourself into it.

Which is completely an uncontrollable thing, so...

- So...

- To not be in control for people that like to be in control

is risky, dangerous.

(mumbles) It was definitely weird to see on a big screen

in front of other people.

Maybe if they didn't know me that was cool, but I happened

to see it for the first time this screening with

a whole bunch of my friends who happen to know all about you

Terrance and some of our situation.

They've heard stories, I've told them stories.

- [Audience Member] I take it that the movie seems to be a

(mumbles) or an invitation to revisit the notion of having

exclusive special love.

So the notion of being able to love

or be romantically involved with more than one person,

but nevertheless every single one of them is special.

- I completely agree, but I think...

(laughter)

As explained in the film,

especially that conversation at the end,

it's just really a rumination on how each relationship

is so intricately defined by the circumstances around it.

- At times.

Nothing.

- So...

- No, I felt uncomfortable because certain

private interactions were publicized

and mainly from one point of view.

Like if we both got to have our little commentary,

a little dual screen action,

it would have been a different story.

And it's your film, that's fine, but it was my life

put on screen to your music.

It's apparent to me, that you make films about your life.

Not everyone does it.

That's true, the only problem is if your truth

will never make you feel bad hopefully,

but it's definitely that everyone has their own truths.

And that's the eternal cause of conflict

and it's not really negotiable.

Everyone sees the world through their own eyes.

So to see through someone else's eyes but still have it be

an experience that you remember is a jarring

experience sometimes if it doesn't coalesce.

And my truth is coming to theaters this week.

- [Voiceover] Your silence in regards to your feelings

was not absolute.

On two or three occasions you did write her short form

poetry, mostly sent via text message.

Saying things like, "I want to speak to you in a language

"that only you understand."

And, "Where on Earth can you tell the truth

"without negative consequences?

"Esoteric and ultimately meaningless, I know."

Before making the film, you did write her

one rather loaded letter.

In it you revealed that when you leave her presence

you stare at your feet while you walk.

She said she liked it quite a bit, but has not replied.

Obviously with things such as mail,

the gesture is more loaded than the content.

B, the second effect of this behavioral mask

and the assumed ambivalence is also something

that has not happened.

It is that you almost never inquire as to the nature

of her relationships with other men.

This leaves you to infer that she is as flirtatious

and intimate with you as she is with her other male friends.

So you may or may not be special.

Maybe she saw you stumble.

A third happening is that one evening she sent you a message

It read, "I think I love you."

Question mark.

- [Voiceover] "I know I love you" was the response

that immediately jumped inside my mouth.

But instead, because you wanted to maintain your façade

of even-keeled ambivalence, you did not immediately reply.

You waited.

She called you.

You missed the call.

- [Voiceover] Of course, you telephone her back.

She said she had to get on the subway and couldn't talk.

Nothing more was said about it, so you did your best

to believe that it was a lighthearted humorous transmission.

- [Terrence] What am I doing acting-wise?

- [Woman] You're just enjoying my company.

- [Terrence] Oh, I'm enjoying your company?

- [Woman] Like when I tell you bedtime stories and stuff.

- You tell me bedtime stories?

- (mumbles)

- Oh okay, tell me.

- Does this feel like we're at home?

- This does feel like we're at home.

You gotta to tell me something about you.

No that doesn't feel like home.

Gotta tell me a story about something that...

- Stars?

- That's not a star it's a plane.

- That's a star.

How do you go about kissing someone?

- You don't head butt 'em.

You make your lips available.

So you go 80% of the way, and let them go 20.

Right?

I go 80, you go 20.

- [Voiceover] Note one, as of the completion

of the short film "How Would You Feel?" (mumble) had yet

to create the film illustrating her perspective.

You assume she had not because of her full-time job

and active social life.

After a few years of waiting for her film you took matters

into your own hands.

The following is a trailer for the resulting film.

(soft music)

- [Woman] What kind of stuff?

- [Terrence] A whole lot of stuff.

Stuff like this, see that?

- [Woman] No, speak softly.

I'm learning how to speak softly.

- [Passenger] What are you guys trying to...

- Thank you.

This is the your first film.

- I think, yeah, it's your first film.

And you're gonna make more after I think.

What's the name of this film gonna be?

- [Voiceover] The following is an account of the events

that transpired in chronological order.

(explosion)

First, there was the void, a temporary void

that lasted between two and three weeks.

The void was preceded by an explosion.

The story begins either after the void

or in the middle of the explosion.

You cannot remember which.

You fell in love with her in 2001.

The last time you saw her, you said, "Goodbye"

and left her in a third floor dorm room.

You broke into tears when you arrived at the second floor.

By the time you left the building

your eyes were swollen shut

and your sinuses filled with mucus.

While making the 15 hour trip home, you saw an exit

off the highway with her first last and middle name on it.

Then there was the explosion.

After or during the explosion you fell in love with her

during the summer of 2003.

You expressed this by giving her a flower made

of a gum wrapper.

You never chew gum.

Sometime after then and before now, she became very close

to you in a romantic way.

The two of you felt a mutual urge to build a life together.

During the fallout of the explosion

you reunited with her in 2004.

You had kept a picture of her as a child in your wallet

for several years as a teenager,

when you later fell in love you noticed the picture was gone

The universe decided that you did not need

the picture anymore.

You moved to South Africa in 2005, fell in love twice.

- [Voiceover] Hey don't make fun of me.

- [Voiceover] Of course, given the fallout of the explosion

she fell out of love.

Maybe not so much because of the explosion

but because of, well you don't know.

She fell out of love and in love with her.

The young lady enter stage left.

Na-na-na.

And she was with him and she was with him and she was

with him and she was with her and she lived

on the other side of the world and she lived

on the other side of the world and you were with this movie.

So in March of 2006 you made the movie.

A shorter version of it that did not allude to the fact--

- [Voiceover] That it was true.

You showed Volumes 1-3 to be exact.

You did not tell her that the film was about you and her

when you all were making it,

but you thought she may have already known.

When you screened the film for about 100 people,

they did not know that the film was a re-telling

of the story of you and her.

You hoped only she would notice,

that the film would talk to her.

- [Voiceover] And only her.

The following letter was written to (mumbles) by Terence

in the summer of 2006.

It was written and sent a few weeks after the screening

of "How Would You Feel?".

The day after (mumbles) told Terence she was ending her

exclusive romantic relationship.

- [Voiceover] June 14, 2006 5.27pm.

Remember how you told me that you met this new guy

that you were dating in Union Square?

Well he must be very luck 'cause,

I'm in Union Square right now and I'm here pretty often

and I never see anybody like you.

I guess I spoke too soon, 'cause she looks amazing.

But, alas there are too many in the wolf pack, as they say.

Anyhow, I went to the chase.

I'm writing this letter to tell you

I have come to be in love with you.

And before you know

you were in a relationship and everything

and me being in love with you was as much a source of angst

as it was pleasure.

But now I feel, I feel fortunate, the word is fortunate,

that I love you.

And it's a relief because I don't have to worry about

things that I used to worry about.

Things like sucking on your lip too long

or being at your house certain times at night.

I have a new freedom, I guess.

It's a new and welcoming freedom.

And freedom even at its least intense is still

powerfully sensual and exciting.

Do you remember that day we were at the lounge

by your old apartment and we were talking about high school

and high school intimacy and what not?

And how there are these little things that our age

has rendered no longer exciting, remember that?

Anyway, I was thinking today about the rare occasion

how I was lucky enough to kiss a girl in high school

and how back then you knew that kissing was as intimate

as it was gonna get that night.

So, kissing was more epic, it was narrative.

Like at the beginning you're all scared so you peck around

each other's lips and breath all heavy

and it was always really funny to me

that people have a taste.

It's actually a kind of scary thought, because if you

taste a certain way, then that means there has to be some

predator out there craving you.

(kissing sounds)

I digress, but the tasting is like the story ending 'cause

the taste lingers on your tongue, anyway.

All that to say, I'm going to kiss you like that.

You know how at the end of letters people always write

"love, comma" then their name.

I don't like that, 'cause, when you use the phrase

"love, comma, Terence' who will really know

what kind of love I be talking about?

I'm going to replace the standard love salutation

with my well-thought-out definition of love.

Just to make my message more exact.

An art-form slightly removed from its intending context.

Terence.

- [Voiceover] Terence, how is it that you have come to like

so much this girl that sits atop your bed at night

just sipping beer, fighting the fatigue of really hot

summer nights, as her complaints trail away into soft sighs?

As an astute observer of life, I always find it

a slightly odd yet intriguing idea that a man's heart

can be warmed by my presence.

Self-hate or pure inquisition, I may never be sure

of the source of my disbelief.

Actually, I find I hold my disbelief so strong

that sometimes I subconsciously reject the love beams

that are cast at me.

It's like an invisible shield.

If I can't imagine why

then just maybe it doesn't really exist.

And if it doesn't exist then

well, I don't really have to do anything about it.

(piano music)

(laser sounds)

(rain)

If friendship were measured in how much a person understands

and accepts another, then would that make you my best friend

I know I know it's the word that every guy hates

and runs from, friend.

What is the state of a world that runs from friends?

But I think I might have lost you in my world.

Follow the bright lights, down the tunnel,

up to the 7th floor, now there.

Terence, I know you eagerly await my response so here it is.

Because I love the electrodes that dance around your brain

and your relentless friendship and understanding hands

I will tell you, as I come to know and love myself

so will I you.

I am that I am and one day I may love you too.

- [Voiceover] Emotional memory is your memory

of how you felt as opposed to what happened.

You have been making this movie on and off for three years.

You no longer live in the same city or know the same people.

You value different things in life now.

- [Voiceover] You know that she's forgotten how she

felt about you.

The memory of the touch of your lips is faded from her mind.

You are to her a regrettable sin, seldom enjoyed,

pushed away on account of the guilt or more than likely

your relationship with her is a memory so faint

in the first place, it was not valuable enough to keep.

To love as you have done.

You hope it is the latter, if anything at all.

You have been making this movie for so long now

that you struggle to remember what happened.

You are also starting to forget how you felt.

Luckily you are reminded by the editing process,

which forces you to look at her movie in front of you,

living, often.

You think that she has not forgotten how she felt

but in her maturity has dismissed her feelings towards you

as juvenile.

The memory of the touch of your lips may have faded

from her mind.

You are to her a past attraction.

Once enjoyed, pushed away on account of a new

more necessary engagement.

You have been making the movie for so long now

that you struggle to remember what happened.

You are also starting to forget how you felt.

Luckily, you are reminded by the editing process

which forces you to look at her, moving

in front of you, living, often.

You don't speak to her so you don't know

what she has forgotten.

The memory of the touch of your lips was probably not

her fondest memory of you in the first place.

She believes you are a slave to the wheels and whims

of the mysterious and beautiful.

And maybe you are.

You have been making your movie so long now

that you struggle to remember what happened.

You are also starting to forget how you felt.

Luckily you are reminded by the editing process

which forces you to look at her movie in front of you

living, often.

You know that she has not forgotten how she felt,

she has long ago forced the memory of the touch of your lips

from her mind.

You are to her a healed cancer.

Rightfully excised, before he metastasized.

(dramatic music)

- [Voiceover] Turn off the music even though you know

that you should.

- [Voiceover] Let's recap what you learned in volume 3

Reality Part One.

First, that you are emotionally unavailable.

Second, you are lonely and making the film with her

did not repair that.

Third, you cannot write about the situation without focusing

on the worst of it.

Fourth, you are quite an unlucky chap.

The following adds to this list and further explores

the nature of reality.

Is it an organism that grows independent of you?

Is it ever present?

Is it possible that something that transpires in your

real life can have less of an effect on your emotions

than something you imagined?

What is the code of realities inescapable and adaptable

influence on this momentary feeling?

(piano music)

We left off at number four, so, number five.

In reality you have never been punctual in your life.

You come from a long line of ancestors who operate time

based on celestial happenings still undiscovered

by the western world.

You are thus out-of-sync as opposed to late.

It is both unfair, and culturally insensitive for you

to expect yourself to transform into a model

of punctuality within any finite period of time.

Number six, your ineptitude with bed fabrication

and construction has more to do with your lack of time

than lack of ability.

- [Voiceover] Like cooking, with carpentry patience

is the all important coefficient in the equation.

Seventh and very important, again dealing with reality,

somehow along the way you became gravely deeply

and intensely in love with (mumbles).

Thus no film, nor explanation, nor poem, nor kiss,

nor absence, nor presence, nor reciprocation

could erase how you felt that moment.

It was a symptom of your love.

It is a symptom of your love.

It will be a symptom of your love.

Today, the days before, or the next day.

Speaking of the next day when you arrive home and start

to get settled, you again see that she has telephoned you.

Of course you telephone her back.

You arrange to meet to talk about the film.

You want to interview her, get her perspective included.

You arrive at her home and sit close to her

in a bean bag chair.

You ask her questions, she answers.

In the answers she tells you that she was significantly

enamored with you for a good while after meeting you.

But, as your relationship subtly intensified

she chose the practicality and constraint of her and him.

Over the irrationality and freedom of her and you.

She also tells you that she has one day previous to this day

chosen to dissolve her exclusive romantic relationship.

You smile inside.

She continues.

She tells you that she is dating someone new.

After a few moments, the possibility of this information

taking the form of a joke fades.

Your inner smile fades with it.

Of course, after you talk, rewrite some of the script,

laugh, hope, the time comes for you to sleep somewhere.

As you would expect for a woman who is taken, she will not

be able to house you that evening.

You walk to the door, she lightly kisses you on your lips

with a look of doubt and mischief opaque in her pupils.

Now, at that moment, given the aforementioned circumstances,

- [Voiceover] How would you feel?

- Hurt, disappointed, confused.

All the bad adjectives that you can attach to

a romantic relationship.

And how do you salvage that, how do you...

I'm dating someone that might be watching this right now

and I don't want to say anything about it.

I got into a--

At the end of the day, you listen to your heart, right?

My heart is

excited at the thought of him and also very tenuous.

Because when you walk into a situation knowing that

you're about to be hurt at some point,

it's a weird thing.

Why would you logically do that?

It doesn't make any sense.

But I'm learning that some things just can't and don't

make sense ever.

I do think I could get hurt with you, because I think

you're...

I think you're an artist.

You have a wondering heart.

You don't get into a relationship or not based on

the probability of a good or bad thing happening.

This emotional impulse that I can't explain or understand

or control.

I hate it for that reason but I have to also follow it

because how often does that happen?

At times.

Because I was normally in a position that I would be a

bad person if I obeyed it.

I get it sometimes, but I think I've kind of conditioned

myself after so long of being in a situation where

there wasn't a viable possibility.

I just started to see him in a different way.

- In layman's terms, I got friend-zoned.

- [Crew] We're rolling.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- Hey.

- Hey, what's up?

- Where you at?

- I'm at home.

Am I supposed to be somewhere else?

Oh my God.

I'm so sorry, I was supposed to come over today.

- Actually maybe it was tomorrow.

- No, it was today, sorry.

I just got home from work.

- Anyway, how was your day?

- It was okay, it was frustrating (mumbles).

I'm gonna quit though.

- You're gonna quit?

- I know, I can't quit tomorrow.

I'm gonna quit but I just need some time to work it out.

- That's cool.

So, I'll see you another time?

- Yeah, sorry, we can definitely reschedule for really soon.

I'll just check my schedule and let you know (mumbles).

Is that okay?

- Yeah.

- Okay, bye.