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(man) Liam Foxwell, welcome.

Thank you.

Okay, little speech time.

I've been mentioning this to everyone about their appraisals,

and I just want you to know that this isn't a witch

hunt for the deadwood okay. It's much more of a...

treasure hunt for the gold.

Shit sinks, but also cream floats.

Yes, yes I see that.

(man) A new area we're getting lots of play in,

and your office could be at the centre for,

is litigation in retrospective parenting cases.

Retrospective?

Bobby sues Mum and Dad for insufficient

attention, leading to lack of confidence,

leading to damages against earnings.

Right, and we're okay the firm's okay ...

with that ethically and morally?

Yep.

Huh-huh.

Sure.

Yeah, yeah right.

Are you?

Totally, yeah.

Yes.

Okay, Liam, look...

So if we invite you to stay with the

firm in the new environment, what we'd have you to is pull

an exhaustive re-do with personnel maybe next week?

Oh, well, I, I was ready to do a big re-do right now, but...

No, no, no, it's fine, next week's fine.

But I have to ask you this, they aren't gonna hit anything to

freak us out are they?

They're not, there's no major deletions this quarter?

No, no, everything's well within parameters.

Great, okay, Liam this has been really great.

Look really hope to look forward to seeing you again.

Okay, thank you.

Airport please.

(beeping)

(woman) Live, breathe, smell.

Full spectrum memory.

You could get a Willow Grain upgrade for less than the price

of a daily cup of coffee,

and three decades of backup for free.

Install ingrained procedure with local anaesthetic

and you're good to go, because memory is for living.

(rewinding)

Okay, great, this has been really great Liam we,

we really hope to look forward to seeing you again.

(rewinding)

Liam, we, we really hope

to look forward to seeing you again.

Sorry!

(beep)

Mr. Foxwell?

Could you just rewind me your last 24 hours,

quad speed that for me, please.

Great, and back that up for me times 64 for the week.

(beeping)

That's great. Enjoy your flight Mr. Foxwell.

I'm not being funny, right, but look at that.

Look at what?

That frayed carpet.

There, you see?

Seriously?

Yes, seriously. This is a five-star suite.

I've paid good money to have perfect details.

Now, I've got that shitty carpet for the rest of my life.

Only if you keep looking at it, mate.

Oh, thanks, Jonas! Now fuck off!

Alright now, now you thought the carpet was bad,

have a look at this.

But you've met Lucy my wife at the Dublin wedding?

Oh, that's right, yeah, hi, Liam.

Hi, hi again.

Yeah.

Hello.

Lucy, Liam, we met at the Dublin wedding.

Liam!

Yeah.

Oh, great. Liam, yes, come in.

Thank you.

Oh, great to see you again.

Yeah, you too.

Thanks, where's Fi been hiding you?

Oh, you know, in our house.

(laughs)

We didn't know, she didn't know if you were gonna make it.

Well, it was over quicker than I thought, so...

Whoop.

Ooops, sorry, hello.

Let's get you a drink. Beer okay?

Lovely, thank you.

Everyone's through there actually,

so I'll be in in a minute okay?

Okay, thank you.

Hi.

You're back early then I, I didn't think you'd make it.

Yeah, well, I didn't stay over and I caught

an early flight back, so...

- Hiya. - Hello.

So how was the appraisal?

Well, they said they'd let me do a re-do sometime next week,

so...

Oh, but good?

Well...

- Later? - Later.

Okay.

How's Jody?

At home, Gina's babysitting.

Oh, Gina?

Hey.

Jonas, this is, this is...

Liam right?

Yeah.

Jonas. Dude, really nice to meet ya, how you doing? You alright?

- Good, good thank you. - Wicked.

And you know Jeff?

Yes.

Yeah, you'd remember meeting Jeff, 'cause he would have shown

you, I don't know, a re-do of the side of this fridge,

something like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Piss off Jonas!

Hello.

Hello. Your wife's being very mean to me tonight.

Ah, well, she's like that.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Oh, you alright for a drink?

I'm fine, thank you, Jonas.

- Nice one. - Yeah, cheers.

Colleen, come and meet Liam, he's...

Soon to be unemployed slash unemployable lawyer.

Hi.

And Jeff. Jeff and Fi used to run the parties

down the Fraser Road with Paul and me.

Mad old days!

Before we started up the Kings.

So...

Yeah.

So, Liam, what, what, what was it you had?

Assessment?

Appraisal.

How'd it go?

Good.

Well, it was, it was a disaster but, you know, I, I don't know.

- Hard to gauge? - Yeah.

Well let's have a look, re-do, we can appraise the appraisal.

(laughs)

Yeah, right.

Throw it up there and we can grade you.

- Er... - Yeah, come on.

Well, it could be fun, we could... vote!

- Paul? - Yeah?

(Jeff) And I work in recruitment actually so it

might be quite useful for you, going forward.

Right, okay.

Liam's gonna re-do his appraisal so we can give him marks.

Notes.

Well, no pointers, you know.

I think Liam would probably...

Yeah, do you know what, guys...

Hey, guys. Now come on seriously, that's not cool.

I mean Liam's obviously uncomfortable so let's just...

...drop it, yeah?

Have a cool time.

(Paul) Time to eat!

(Lucy) Oh, it's ready.

Thank you so much for inviting us this evening,

it's been too long.

Yes, it has.

Too long.

Fi?

I haven't met him before have I? Jonas is it?

He's one of the old crowd.

I think I said.

Oh.

- You okay? - Yeah, yeah.

You know if you're not in the mood we can go.

No, no, I'm fine.

Sure?

Hey.

(Jonas) Oh, no, I bought enough for others to share.

Thank you.

I've been cooking a lot since the break-up.

Jonas has had a tough one.

(door bell)

(Colleen) Was it bad?

Yeah, yeah.

We were in the middle of planning it all and I suddenly

realised that the less the relationship means

the more you spend on the wedding, you know.

You actually start obsessing over, over the tiniest little

details, like, like the thickness of the wedding

invitation paper, 'cause I mean God knows you need something

to fucking talk about!

So everybody, this is Hallam, Hallam, Jonas.

- Hi. - Hi.

And everyone!

- Hi. - Hello.

(Lucy) Help yourself.

Jonas was just explaining why relationships are a sham.

Are they? Shit!

They're like going to the theatre.

You pay loads to go and ultimately you're wasting

your entire night, so when someone asks you

"Did you have a good time?"

you both say "Yeah" you know, "Yeah, it was great", but the

problem is the more that you pay, and the longer it goes on,

the more you're "Oh, yeah we really loved it", you know,

"We, we love being together and never fucking anyone

else and only having just one other person to share

our real thoughts with for our entire lives".

I mean, yeah, it's great.

Would you say you loved her though?

I just think we just really fancied each other,

and that was what it was.

You know what it's like early on, you know, we were just, I

don't know, we're just two tools in a tool shed that just fit

together really fucking well.

I mean still by the end I'd be like "Go on, honey, you go up,

I'm just gonna watch a little bit more of the news", and I'd

find myself, you know, watching re-does of like hot times in

earlier relationships.

(Lucy) Easy!

I'm just saying, there's a beautiful woman upstairs,

you know, waiting to have sex with me...

What, right now?

(laughter)

She's upstairs you know waiting to have sex with me,

and I'm sat downstairs watching re-does of like some hot

times with some hot girl that I'd just picked up in some

place, and I'm fucking pulling myself off. I mean, seriously.

Ah, come on. Come on, guys, I mean,

we all scroll through the grain rifling through our

greatest hits for a little bit of filth now and then, surely?

Not me.

Hallam doesn't have a grain.

(Paul) Oh, wow.

No shit.

Is that a political thing?

No, no, I was gouged about 12 months ago.

Jesus, was that painful?

Total agony.

But on the plus of that, I don't remember it that clearly.

There's a scar in here.

Yeah?

Can I...?

Yeah, it feels quite nice.

And no brain damage clearly.

Well, my sight held on fine.

(Jonas) So who took it then?

(Hallam) Stolen to order, as far as they could tell

probably to some millionaire Chinese perv.

- (Jonas) Really? - Yeah.

Is that for real?

Yeah, and none of it was encrypted, so...

So they saw the lot?

But the thing is after I was gouged I didn't have one for a

few days and then just kind of liked it.

(Jonas) It's cool, it's cool, I mean because more people,

I mean it's a big thing now right?

Like, going grainless?

(Colleen) I believe it's huge with hookers.

I mean, no offence!

No, no, it's okay.

Well, I'm pretty boring. One man at a time.

Boo!

Serial monogamist.

I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now.

(laughter)

Well I think it's an interesting choice, going grainless.

It's a brave choice.

I'm sorry, but...

I couldn't do it.

Uh-huh.

Okay, I was gonna play some re-does

from the Fraser Road days.

Yey!

Stuff from the last night, depressing or fun.

(Colleen) You know half the organic memories you have are junk.

Just not trustworthy.

Colleen works in grain development.

With half the population, you can implant false memories

just by asking leading questions in therapy.

You can make people remember getting lost in shopping malls

they never visited, getting bothered by paedophile baby

sitters they never had.

I'm just happier now.

(rewinding)

Okay, great, Liam,

this has been, this has been really great.

We really hope to look forward to seeing you again.

He looks forward to seeing you again, that's good.

Hopes to look forward.

We really hope to look forward to seeing you again.

It's phoney.

Hang on, pause it.

Now back up.

Zoom in there.

Come on, that's a tick.

(Liam) That could be a V or an L.

It's a tick.

Or the start of a swastika.

It's probably the start of a swastika, they were such pricks.

Did you have fun with the old gang?

Yeah.

Speak to that Jonas much?

No, no, not really.

He's a bit of knob innit? Bit of a dick?

Jonas.

Pulling himself off to his own relationships theories.

Oh, it must be such a drag, Jonas, putting it about.

And when he protected me from those assholes.

"Hey, come on, guys, it's really not cool to re-do

another man's appraisals dudes".

Then why invite him over?

I like him.

You wanted me to invite him.

I didn't say anything.

You were laughing at everything he said!

You invited him!

It's obvious I didn't want him to come.

(click)

(Ffion) Wow, it's early, it's early to call it a night.

(Jonas) Right, do you fancy a quick one down the pub?

(Liam) Oh, I've gotta get back,

rescue Jody from the paedophile baby sitter!

Yeah.

But Jonas, why don't you come back to ours

for a nightcap if you want?

See.

It was obvious I didn't want him to come, I was being polite.

To a moron.

If you really don't want him to come, you can get rid of him.

Hey, hey.

(Liam) Hey.

Well actually what time is it?

It's midnight.

Phew, shit, it's quite late! Time's gone on.

- Yeah, time does that. - Yeah.

What, 15 minutes?

Yeah.

But it, we've got the baby sitter inside, so...

So is that new info?

No, it's just that, we, I mean we thought, right, Fi?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Okay, now I get it.

No, it's just that actually it turns out we're tired

and I guess we forgot, but now we've remembered, so, sorry.

No, it's fine really.

(Ffion) I'm sorry.

Oh, it's cool, no worries, yeah I've got a backup plan so...

Oh, cool, well, envoke the back up.

Yeah, I will. See you later, Fi.

It's good to meet you, man.

Yeah.

Nice one.

Brilliant, brilliant.

Okay, cool.

Good to meet you, man, yeah.

Listen, Gina, it's a 40 minute wait for a cab,

but if you want I'll have the bed made up in my office, yeah?

Okay, thanks, Fi.

Hey just, you know, use anything,

there's T-shirts and...

Alright, yes, thanks, I'll show myself up.

- Alright, night. - Night, guys.

Night, Gina.

(bling)

(baby cries)

Thank you.

Is he a big part of the gang?

- Who? - Jonas.

I don't know, yeah?

Let me guess, he's spent his time oozing around the girls,

offering back rubs.

Not really.

Circling for an orifice.

Was he always that oily or...

Okay, look...

What?

It's nothing, but...

...you may have noticed a bit of an atmosphere because...

...me and Jonas years ago had a bit of a thing.

You had a thing with oily dude man.

It was just a little thing and I didn't even

know you back then, so...

You slept with oily dude man?

That's hilarious!

We've all got our skeletons, how about you and Gemma?

Well, I told you about Gemma.

Gemma was a nutcase, but you never mentioned Jonas.

I did, I told you I hooked up with someone in Marrakech.

Jonas is Mr. Marrakech?

It was like a month, it was a stupid thing and then...

I thought Mr. Marrakech was some sort of super cool,

well not him.

It was years ago and...

Are you embarrassed by that?

'Cause it's embarrassing.

I'm sorry but, Christ, are you not embarrassed?

It was years ago.

But you dated him for a month?

That's what I said.

'Cause when you told me about Mr. Marrakech, it was a week.

No, I didn't.

(rewinding)

(Liam) What about you?

I don't wanna see our first time right now.

Ssh, ssh, you're about to talk.

(Ffion) I went away and had a little thing that did my head

in for a while with this sort of, this sort

of head-fuck guy in Marrakech.

(Liam) Mr. Marrakech?

Yeah!

(Liam) I'm not, I'm imagining it, a chiller, with a big knob.

(Ffion) No, it's like a dormouse.

Big deal, big heartbreaker?

No, it was just a week.

It was a weird week.

So a weird week or a month?

The point it, it wasn't a big deal.

Well, it was big enough to do your head in.

Jonas, King Dormouse Dick of Marrakech did you head in.

That was a nice night. Used to be.

You're getting obsessed.

I'm not.

We had all this with Dan,

I don't want you going like that again.

He had little, creepy, beady eyes and he was always...

What, acting like he was interested? And you know what?

I think, I think he probably did fancy me, and actually

he wasn't completely hideous, so in another life I

don't know, but nothing happened!

And Jonas...

Oh, he's an old fling! So what? Don't get all fucked up.

Oh, what, I'm fucked up, am I?

No, I mean just...

No, no, that's brilliant, 'cause sometimes you're a bitch.

I didn't mean that.

You're a bitch.

I'd like you to erase that.

You're a bitch.

Also sometimes.

You can't just edit off the word "sometimes".

(door opens, closes)

I'm sorry, Fi.

I know I go a bit weird and wonky sometimes.

I love you, you know.

I know.

(loud moaning)

... in a tool shed that just fit together

really fucking well.

But still by the end I'd be like "Go on, you go up to bed,

I'm just gonna catch a little bit more of the news", and then

I'd find myself, you know, watching re-does and like hot

times in earlier relationships!

I've got a beautiful woman upstairs

waiting to have sex with me

and I find myself watching re-does of

my hot times in earlier relationships.

Easy!

(computer) Lip read reconstruction enabled.

(automated voice Fi) Hey, it's good to see you.

(automated voice Jonas) Good to see you too.

I was nervous when I heard you were going to be here.

It's weird isn't it?

Morning.

Gina, over here.

Come here a second, I just want your opinion.

It's just a silly game.

Sit down. Just answer this.

No, I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now.

Now, is that funny?

Er...

There's no need to be nice, the man's a prick.

Is that funny in your opinion?

Well...

No, I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now.

Erm, no.

No.

- I dunno. - You do.

- Hey. - Hi.

What's this?

Oh, I'm just getting Gina's opinion on something.

No, I'm a serial monogamist.

I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now.

I was just wondering because you found it funny

but it clearly isn't, and Gina agrees.

I didn't really wanna get involved.

Gina, let me get you a cab.

(Gina) My dad's on his way.

Just one, just one, one other thing. We both wanted

him to come back, but who wants him to come back more?

In your opinion, off the top of your head,

who wants him to come back more?

(Jonas) Okay, well, bye.

(Ffion) Yeah, bye.

Wow, it's early. It's early to call it a night.

(Jonas) Well do you fancy a quick one down the pub?

(Liam) Oh, we've gotta get back,

rescue Jody from the paedophile baby sitter!

Oh, that's just a, that's a joke.

Sorry.

Jonas, why don't you come back to ours

for a nightcap if you want?

Yeah. Yeah.

(bangs on door)

No, ignore the joke.

Who's more keen for him to come back?

I don't know.

I'll see you out.

(Liam) You do know, Gina.

(Ffion) I'm so sorry, he's really hung over.

(Gina) That's okay.

I'm staying faithful to my cornflakes right now.

That is just objectively not funny.

Anyone would say that's not funny.

That was fucking embarrassing.

Whatever you're cueing up, stop it.

Sit down, please.

Do you see that?

You know Jeff?

(Liam) Yes.

(Jonas) Yeah, you remember meeting Jeff 'cause he would

have shown you, I don't know, a re-do of the

side of his fridge, something like that.

Spot the difference.

You're drunk.

I'm the difference.

He's the greatest guy in the world, and then I arrive and...

you clam.

For clarity.

We're just talking!

But moments later you're so stiff.

I don't know, a re-do of the side of his fridge...

(Liam) You don't know how to stand around him.

Your gauges are all over the place, hot and cold.

This is just stupid!

But you can't hide it, not completely.

See how you look at him.

The less the relationship means,

the more you spend on the wedding.

I mean really, you start obsessing over these tiny

little details, and the thickness of the wedding

invitation paper.

Now, how you look at me.

Well I think it's an interesting choice

going grainless

(Liam) It's a brave choice.

I'm sorry but...

Tell me you look at me nice like you look at him.

You can't.

And how am I looking at you now, Liam?

How long did you go out with him for?

Does it matter?

You know half the organic memories you have are junk.

Just not trustworthy.

Well, when it comes to little things.

And big ones.

(Liam) Is that Marrakech?

Does that look like Marrakech?

No.

It's not Marrakech.

So how long did you go out with him for?

Alright, about six months.

So not a, not a week or a month, six months?

The ever-inflating romance.

You're probably still going out with him.

Why am I on trial here?

What's been going on?

Nothing has been going on!

It was...

Christ you know how it is when you first get with

someone and then previous boyfriends come up.

He was never a boyfriend, it was always a weird week.

I down-played it, I fudged it, it was ...

You lied?

Not everything that isn't true is a lie, Liam.

Hello?

Yeah, alright he was a bigger thing than I made out,

and yeah he's sort of a dick.

Sort of? He's a massive...

But I, and I liked him then, and I don't like him, not like that,

not now.

So just to get this clear.

He fucks you, gets footage for his re-do wank file,

but you're still pally?

This is sad!

You know, 'cause if he was...

This is just sad.

... he probably sits there and tosses himself off all over his cashmere blanket.

It was years ago!

Not for him.

I find myself, you know, watching re-does of really

hot times in early relationships.

Easy.

Ah, sober up, make yourself puke, whatever, I don't care,

just sort this out.

Fuck!

I find myself, you know, watching re-does of like really

hot times in early relationships.

Easy!

And I'm downstairs watching some re-do of, of some night,

I've picked up somebody else and...

Yeah, nice, Jeff.

She's upstairs, waiting to have

sex with me, and I'm downstairs watching some re-do of some

night I've picked up somebody else.

Easy!

And I'm fucking pulling myself off!

I'm just saying...

(engine starts)

(computer) Grain warning.

Grain assistant suggests you may not be

in a suitable physical condition

for the activity you appear to be engaged in.

To override continue at your own risk.

All health and personal accident insurance is...

Thank you.

(buzzer)

(Jonas) Who's that?

It's Liam.

Erm...

It's Liam from last night.

Liam?

Is Fi with you?

Ah, she's not, no.

Sorry Liam mate, is there something that you want?

Yeah I just wanna, I just wanna come in and talk to you,

can you open the gate?

Yeah, yeah, yeah sure, no problem, I'll let you in.

Nice, nice one.

Hey.

Hey.

What do you want?

I just wanted to come in for a bit, dude.

That looks expensive, is that expensive?

Look, Liam, this morning, mate...

Oh, fucking hell.

Liam!

Jonas, this is a nice place.

Hey, seriously, man.

Look, it's not cool you just walking in like this,

and to be honest with you it's a little bit weird.

Is that a Marakeechian lamp?

Liam, do I have to call Fi?

Did you guys have a row or something like that?

- Sit down. - No, I'm alright.

Go on, sit down, it's not a bear trap, it's your chair.

Do you want me to bounce this off your fucking head?

I'm joking, Jonas!

Bloody hell, I thought you was supposed to be cool, man,

you're meant to be fucking brilliant.

What's going on?

Yeah, that figures.

Get some good stuff for the scrap book?

I think you should go.

I don't blame ya, I would have.

Tell you what, let's have a look.

Go on, chuck it on the screen. Don't be shy.

Go on.

I'm fucking joking again, Jonas.

For goodness sake, you need to grow a sense of humour.

He's uptight, ain't he?

(Jonas) Okay, Liam.

It's a lovely room this.

Thank you.

Is this where you masturbate to images of my wife?

Or do you do it in that room?

Okay, Liam, I want you to leave now.

Do you sometimes start in there and then finish in there?

'Cause the world's pretty much your oyster innit?

I want you to leave.

Oh, well, that's a pity.

Come on mate.

Oh no, what you doing? What are you doing!

(clunk)

- (Hallam) What are you doing? - What are you doing?

Jesus! Get out!

Stand up, Jonas, come on.

(rewind)

Hey. What do you want?

Don't do that!

Go on ...

- What are you doing? - What are you doing?

(Liam) Stand up, Jonas, come on.

(Hallam) Get out, you fucking prick!

I tell you what...

(Hallam) Stop it!

I'll tell you what you're gonna do, yeah?

You're gonna get every bit of Fi you've got in there,

you're gonna select it all and you're gonna wipe it!

Hello, Police, I'm witnessing a serious assault

at 5 Hartford...

(Liam) Wipe it!

(Jonas) Fuck off!

(Hallam) I don't have a grain feed to show you, I don't have a grain.

(bottle breaks)

I'll tell you what, right either you wipe it or I will fucking gouge you myself!

Okay.

(Hallam) Just do what he says.

(Liam) Not on your eye, in there, on there.

(Hallam) He's doing it!

Now delete it all, the lot, or I will crack your

skull and I will gouge your fucking neck.

(Jonas) I'm doing it.

Stay away from my house!

Now delete it all, the lot!

Or I will crack your skull and I will gouge your fucking neck.

I'm doing it.

Liam?

Where did you go?

What happened?

Liam, what happened?

Did you use a condom or not?

Just say.

Yeah, well, whatever you think.

Am I Jody's father?

- Liam? - Am I?

Yes, of course.

You sure about that?

Yes!

That's nice.

Always liked that picture didn't you?

That's why I bought it for you.

I never liked it. Thought it was pretentious shit.

I tell ya what you're gonna do, yeah,

you're gonna get every bit of Fi you've got on there...

Christ, what have you done?

I'm getting to the good part.

Hello, Police, I'm witnessing a serious assault at...

(rewind)

Now delete it all, the lot, or I will crack your skull

and I will gouge your fucking neck.

18 months ago in this room ...

You know when you suspect something?

It's always better when it turns out to be true.

It's like I've had a bad tooth for years and I'm

just finally getting my tongue in there and I'm digging

out all the rotten shit.

That's not what it looks like.

Oh, did Jonas come round to read you a story?

No, it was...

A story about fucking?

It was...

when all the Dan stuff was going on,

and you'd walked out.

For like ten minutes.

For five days, Liam.

No call, no nothing.

So you fucked him after four days?

That's heroic.

I mean three days, that's admirable, but four days.

I mean you must have been gagging.

I was upset.

We went for a drink, I got drunk.

It shouldn't have happened.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, I can't, I can't say anything else.

I love you!

Did you use a condom?

Yes.

'Cause we didn't have any here, we were trying.

He had some.

In his pocket?

In his car.

Was it his decision or did you make him wear one?

I made him.

And you saw him put it on?

Yes.

Show me then.

Show me on there.

I need to see it, Fi.

I deleted it.

I wanted it to go away, I wiped the whole thing.

Did you?

Yeah.

So it's just a blank gap in your timeline?

Yeah.

Show me that then.

Yeah, okay.

I have to find it.

No! No deleting it, not now!

No, no.

It's still on there is it?

I'm sorry.

You have to show it to me, Fi.

Why?

'Cause I want to see it.

I love you.

Show it to me.

No.

Show it to me.

- No. - Show it to me!

- No! - Show it to me!

I want to see what, what he looks like!

This isn't me, look what you're doing to me!

Fi, I need to see it!

Please?

I need to see it, Fi.

(Ffion, on tape, laughing) Need any help?

(Jonas) Sorry!

Agh!

(deep moaning)

(moaning grows louder)

(Liam) I love you.

I love you too.

Oh!

(Liam) Hello, stinky!

(rewind)

(stops)

Hey.

Brown or green?

Green.

♪ ♪

(splash)

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