All language subtitles for Witness.Infection.2021.HDRip.XviD.AC3-EVO

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Oh hey, uh.

Do you mind just, I
don't know, terribly

maybe chewing a little quieter?

Just, yeah, that's
fine, do your thing.

It's getting late, we
should probably head back.

Hunting at nights
illegal in these parts.

What, everything
you love is illegal.

Jesus Christ, look at you.

You're breathing like
a fucking walrus.

What the fucks wrong with you?

You ever fucking exercise?

Yeah, I have a strict
Bikram yoga routine.

Yeah, you best tell Bikram
that shit ain't working.

No uh, sorry, it's not,
I'm not getting winded,

it's just that, it's a
potpourri of awfulness in here.

There's just like
a lot of smells.

It smells like death
whatever you're eating.

This?

This, my friend, is New
Jersey's finest Italian sausage.

This is the best fucking
meat in the world.

I can't get enough of this shit.

I've been eating
it all fucking day.

You want a bite?

No, I'm good, I'm good, yeah.

Does it smell like
that in Jersey?

Oh yeah.

Hey, I got a question for you.

Yeah.

This, this whole two
men in a tent thing.

Yeah.

You do this often,
you like it?

I mean, I could get
used to this shit.

I mean,
I'm just saying, you know.

I mean I guess.

Oh.

I'm good.
I'm good.

Oh, that's both ends.

Yeah, I need some air.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
where you going over here?

We're having a good time.

Yeah, I'm gonna do a lap.

See if I can scare some
deer back this way.

Oh yeah, that's a good idea.

I'll wait here.

If I see him, I'll
fucking whack him.

Okay.

I bet you will.

If you don't get whacked
by diarrhea first.

Oh, Marone.

What have I
gotten myself into?

Hey, invite the new
neighbor, she says.

He seems nice, she says.

Okay, you can do this.

Ow, ow, ow thorns.

Thorns.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Circular breathing.

That's how a man breathes.

Here we go.

All right, honey.

I'll show you how
manly I can be.

Pauly?

Pauly?

Pauly, please tell
me that was you.

Pauly!

Oh fuck.

Pauly.

Pauly.

Hey, Pauly, did you hear that...

What in the Sam
Hill happened here?

Pauly.

Okay, this is it.

Oh, yeah, no.

Yeah.

You got this.

You got this.

They're overpopulated
anyway, it's fine.

Okay.

Live and let live.

Hey there, asshole.

Illness that is
transmitted through deer ticks.

Lyme disease, category
infectious parasitic.

Just kidding.

Interior, dog groomers.

Gina is a perfect 20 for
20 on her veterinary quiz

but number 21 is a real doozy.

What will our heroine do?

Will she rise to the challenge

or will she succumb to the
dark forces lurking around her

in the deep dark night.

Okay, Vince, do we really
need everything on camera?

It's inspiration
for my filmmaking.

Yeah, well I hate
being recorded.

Here, Mr. Jordesman.

Oh hello, Jack.

You know, you don't have
to sit there the whole

- while I do this.
- No, no, no.

I just had an image

and had a feeling you
looked mighty hot on camera.

Oh, thank you.

Looking like a Cinemax movie.

Oh.

Hey, how's Mrs. Jordesman?

Yeah.

That slow motion, sweaty hot.

You know what I'm saying?

Playboy, Playboy channel.

Would you like to pay cash

or put that on your tab?

Yeah, put it on the tab.

Okay.

Have you ever
groomed a man before?

Okay, Mr. Jordesman,
we're all going to lunch,

so we're gonna
close up the shop.

You know I'm pretty
neat in that department.

- Okay.
- Okay.

I don't need grooming

but I'm just saying,

that be kind of fun to try.

A bit inappropriate.

Jack and I together.

That's great.

Cool.

Yeah.

- Bye, Jack.
- Bye, Jack.

- Okay.
- Thank you, thank you.

Mrs. Jordesman
really likes Jack.

Oh well that's.

Threw up a
little bit right there.

I don't know, that
was very romantic.

Somebody has got
a crush on you.

Yeah, please don't go on
dates in the workplace, Gina.

No, the only
crushing I'm doing

is on this test.

Come on, next one.

Okay, you ready?

Let's do it.

Okay, ready.

This highly contagious
viral illness

manifests itself in two forms.

The more common
form is intestinal.

Parvo, category
infectious parasitic?

Yes.

Bam!

21 in a row.

You're on a roll, Gina.

You're gonna kill this test.

Aw, you guys are so sweet.

Thanks for helping me.

But I just can't
get over the sight

of blood and intestines.

Blood
and intestines?

Oh.

You sending your strays
over to Vince again?

I procure my own meat.

Yeah, you do.

Yeah I do.

Well, you know, the whole
town is procuring themselves

some Tablioni's.

I'd be worried if I were you.

Do you know that there
is a fucking line

around the block?

Divalio's is grass fed,
all organic.

It's pussified.

Hey, stop with the P word.

I'm sorry, Margret
Snatcher, did I offend you?

Hey, come on, Dominic.

You mind your fucking business

and get behind the dog,
all right, Carlo?

You're a pig.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Well pigs are pussies,
how 'bout that?

Oh.

You know what, I take that back.

Pigs are smart.

Carlo, I'm gonna be
in the back, okay.

I'm sorry.

Loser.

Really, really?

You calling me a loser.

Fucking Martin Fugazi over
here wannabe director,

screenwriter, whatever.

Why don't you write
this, asshole?

Interior, dog groomers.

Enter Dominic.

Is he gonna smack the
shit out of Vince?

Is he gonna smash
Vincent's camera?

How 'bout he does both.

Dominic!

Why am I waiting?

I forgot to open
the car door for you.

Forgot to open,

why don't you close this one?

Hey, Dad.

Hey there, hey, Mr. Serrelli.

Hi.

Did you tell him yet?

Nah, pop.

I didn't tell him yet.

Fucking idiot.

Son, you and me, outside.

What's going on, pop?

Everything okay?

You know I love you, son.

Yeah.

Always done my
best to protect you

through thick or thin.

And thin.

But I can't keep you out

of the family
negotiations anymore.

I'm stuck, I'm
caught between a rock

and a hard space, right heres.

It's hard place.

Whatever.

I tried to get the
best deal possible,

to keep us alive.

But it came down
to you collecting

for the Miolas or
marrying Patricia.

So I chose the ladder.

Latter.

Wait, wait, wait.

What?

This wedding is gonna happen

and it's happening
Saturday, period.

Plus, you gotta give
the Miolas a kid.

A, a, a kid?

Am I hearing this right?

This weekend I have to
marry Patricia Miola

who's father has called
me a poodle fucker

to my face on multiple occasions

and I gotta get her pregnant

or we're all going to war?

Is this right or did I just
wake up in Game of Thrones?

There's no game, Carlo.

Preferably a son.

And if it wasn't for
Dominic shooting blanks,

it would of been him.

The fucking steroids.

Great.

By God above, I
don't know what asshole

rat fuck FBI agent stuck both
families in the same town

but he did and it's done.

This is not an
arranged marriage,

this is we gotta keep
both families alive

and stop them from killing
each other, marriage.

See this?

This is the Saint
Valentine's pendant

that I gave to your mother

on the night I
promised to marry her.

I need,

we need you to give this
to Patricia tonight.

Will you do this for us, son?

Atta boy.

God bless you, son.

It's crazy, right?

And now I have to watch my
girl marry my little brother.

I mean how fucked up is that?

Yeah.

That's messed up.

Like Medieval messed up.

Color could be worse.

Vince.

All right, let's go
Dominic, nature calls.

I'll see you at the
wedding, little brother,

and Gina, we'll have
some shots at the bar

and we'll see where it goes.

I'm gonna go get some coffee.

I'll be back in a little, okay.

- Gina...
- No, no.

Hey, jerk off.

You left your back door open.

Bunch of kids just ran
away with your chalupas.

Marone!

All right, let's sit.

Hey, get out of there.

Your fucking kids, Filomena.

Hey, watch your mouth.

Go to the kids area,
you little shits.

Go
to the kids area.

That's
what I just said.

All right, let's say grace.

Whoa, whoa.

Where's Father Mike?

I think he went
to the bathroom.

I'll get him.

Come on, I'm
fucking starving here.

- I'll be right back.
- Put that sausage down.

I'm starving here.

- You put it down.

- Put the sausage down now.

- Shut the fuck up.
- Put the fucking sausage.

I'll tell him.

Don't make me take my
fucking shirt off, Dominic.

Heya, Patricia.

You gotta go?

No.

Good, I just had to
let a couple of shepherds

lead their flock.

Gross.

Look, father, can I talk
to you for a second?

Are they making the sausages

with the peppers
on it, right now

- and the Parmesan?
- No, they're not out yet.

- The Parmesan melt yet?
- They're not out yet.

We got a little time.

Okay, sure, sure.

What's on your mind?

Okay.

Well, well I mean this is,

this feels kinda awkward.

Can you go behind
the door or you know?

Yeah, yeah.

Sure.

Uh, uh.

Let me glaze.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, you really, you
weren't kidding wow.

Oh my God.

Maybe we just talk
through the door.

That would be nice.

Yeah.

Bless me father,
for I have sinned.

You
don't need to do that.

I really do.

What have you done?

You ever just feel like
you're not being yourself?

What do you mean?

You know, I mean like,
you know, I'm really pretty

and I stay in good shape
and I got lots of friends

and like I do my nails
and I get my roots done

and I smell fantastic.
None of those are bad things.

No, yeah, I know.

I'm saying the good stuff first.

But.

You swear you're not gonna
tell anyone anything?

Yeah.

I stole my wedding dress.

Oh.

Yeah, I walked right
into David's Bridal.

It's a really classy place.

And I just walked
right out of it.

I mean, what's David
gonna do, you know?

I also stole my jewelry.

Oh, uh huh.

And I have a really
bad gambling problem.

And I also may have or may not

have been involved
in a hit and run.

Well, I mean I
definitely hit the guy

but I think he's
probably gonna make it.

Father?

Oh my God, like it's
really bad, isn't it?

- It's not a problem, actually.

Everything you're saying is
really playing the odds, so.

Give it about five Hail Mary's

and say the lord's prayer.

Thank you.

I knew you'd fix it.

That's what I do.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, no worries.

Oh, you might want
to leave that closed.

- Yeah.
- Okay, yeah.

100 percent.

This is why I love Catholicism.

Oh, God.

Don't worry, baby.

Come on, come on.

Carlo is gonna
show up, all right.

He doesn't have the
balls to have balls.

He's a little nervous.

It's a big day, it's
a big day for him.

It's a big night.

All right, you're
gonna be alright.

He's coming, all right.

Everybody's already here.

Hey, you're late.

Set out a plate for
you and everything.

We're starving here.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, you're sorry.

You should be sorry.

You disrespected
your entire family.

Especially your
beautiful new fiance.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Patricia, how you doing?

I'm good, thank you.

Okay, we're all good.

That's good, sit down.

Let's eat.

Hey, Filomena,
where's Pauly at?

Don't get me started, Dom.

All right the asshole
took off yesterday,

didn't even say anything.

I caught him eye
banging that hooker

that runs that Pilate studio,

you know the one that
only wears yoga pants

on days of the week
that end with a Y.

It's like, all right
already with the camel toe

you fucking bitch.

Hey, Dominic.

How did that clandestine
trip go to the East Coast

with our friend Vito Morelli?

You aint gonna see
him no more, pop.

That's a good boy, son.

She thinks she's all that

'cause she's always
strutting for all the boys.

Give him the old melon tester?

Of course, I know the rule.

That's a good boy.

That's right, he knows the rule.

Everybody.

Always
leave one in the head.

I don't give a fuck if
you can crush a bowling ball

between your thighs.

If you look at my
husband one more time

I'm gonna rip your
fucking tits off.

Always leave one in the head.

Hey, son.

You forgetting something?

The necklace.

Give her the necklace.

Patricia, this is for you.

- Oh wow, this is beautiful.
- Oh my God.

Look at this.

This is Saint Valentine, right?

That's so sweet.

I guess it's official
now, huh, little brother?

Yeah.

That's all.

Hey, Patricia,
welcome to the family.

Oh, my God, thank you.

I've got something to say.

Everybody, my son
has something to say.

What, did you knock
up one of them doggies

at your groomer place?

Oh yeah, you were grooming
her real hard, right.

Oh sorry, him.

That doesn't even
make any sense.

It kinda does.

No it doesn't.

Why are you laughing?

Stop laughing, it
doesn't make any sense.

Hey!

I thought that be more
dramatic then it was.

Listen, Patricia.

I'm all for making peace
within the families

but here's the thing.

I don't love you.

I'm pretty sure you
don't even like me.

Why should we let some
antiquated family squabble

dictate the rest of our lives?

I don't want to marry someone
because it's some arrangement.

I want to marry for love.

True love.

Storybook love.

Happily ever after love.

Don't you?

I'm calling my father.

And I'm gonna tell
him what you did.

And I'm never giving
this jewelry back.

Ever!

Marone.

Way to go you poodle fucker.

Now how are we gonna get
her back to the table?

Huh?

Never gonna happen.

I don't fuck the poodles.

Why do you all think
I fuck poodles?

I knew you'd fuck this up.

You know what the problem is,

it's that whore Gina
down at the shop.

Hey, don't you call her that.

That's what she fucking is!

No, she's not.

- Carlo!
- That's what she is.

We had a deal.

Thank God your mother's
not alive to see this,

God rest her soul.

Mom would not of
wanted any of this.

Don't you talk
about your mother.

You gonna go down to
Mr. Miolas tonight,

you're gonna face him man to man

and you're gonna tell him
you're gonna marry his daughter.

You're right, pop.

All right.

I'm gonna go to
Mr. Miolas house

and I'm gonna tell I'm
not marrying his daughter

because somebody's gotta
listen to reason around here.

What did you say?

I'm telling Miola no.

I'm sorry, Pop.

I gotta do this.

No, no.

You are not doing this.

Sorry, Father Mike.

Stop, come back here.

Come back here and
clean up this plate.

Can I get another plate

of like the sausage
and meatballs only?

- Absolutely.
- Yeah, sure.

- Thank you.
- I got you.

No, Carlo come back.

Carlo, Carlo!

Don't do this.

This is suicide.

I don't want to marry her.

It's not about what you want.

It's about what
you have to do now.

Innocently putting bows
on Mrs. Jordesman Maltese

or blow drying the balls of
Mr. Friedman's german shepherds

while you aint saying
nothing about our business

aint enough no more.

Your ride is over.

You gotta pay the piper.

Jesus Christ, Pop.

This isn't Sicily.

This isn't even New Jersey.

No one knows who we are

or what our families do or did.

Last week, I caught
Dominic trying

to shake down the old lady
that owns Crystals and Candles.

Hey, you got a
really nice shop here

it be a shame if
something happened to it.

You know what happened?

She tried to buy insurance,

like legit small business
owners insurance.

It's different here

and you're the only
one who doesn't...

They're gonna kill Dominic.

It all changed after what
happened at CC's last month.

Wait, you mean Joey
Miola getting killed?

That wasn't on us.

I know.

But Mr. Miola doesn't
see it that way

and I know, you and your
brother did everything

you could to help him.

But he still blames
you for Joey's death.

It's an eye for an eye.

It's a grandson for a son.

Carlo, you don't do this.

The Miolas they're
gonna keep coming,

they're gonna go after you,

they're gonna go
after your friends

and then they're gonna kill me.

All right, I'll do it.

All right.

All right, son.

Now listen, I'm gonna
give you something.

You stay here, okay?

You stay.

All right.

Oh, Pop, I don't think...

Ah, no, no.

Jesus Christ.

Don't, goddamn it.

Sorry, I just.

Okay.

- Down.
- Down.

I don't think
this is gonna help.

It's gonna help, trust me.

Now look.

This is your mother's ring,
all right?

I want you to take this,
you show it to Mr. Miola.

You tell him and you show him
you mean business, all right?

All right.

And hey, who knows,

maybe Patricia turns
out to be a freak in bed

and you fall in love.

Well, she's been with Dominic.

So she definitely
has mouth herpes.

That's the spirit, son.

Now remember, you
gonna use that piece.

Always leave
one in the head.

- I know, I know.
- Yeah, yeah.

Now get the fuck out of here.

God speed.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hey Patricia, get
out of the bathroom.

My son's gonna marry you.

Yeah, come on, I
don't feel so good.

I don't wanna hurl on my Gucci.

Oh fuck it, I'll
just go to my salon.

Hey, Patricia, come out.

Let's go.

Fucking every girl
do the bulimia?

Gina.

Jesus, you scared me.

How'd it go?

Not so good.

Did you break up with her or?

No but she thinks I did.

But I still have to marry her

but Miola thinks I told her no.

So now I gotta go the winery

and tell Mr. Miola in
person, out of respect,

that I'm gonna
marry his daughter

and be a miserable

for the rest of my life

but I don't have a choice.

What?

They're gonna kill Dominic.

I gotta protect my family.

They've been protecting
me my whole life.

I just thought you should know.

I'll call you.

The Miolas are crazy

and if you go alone, you're
just as nuts as they are.

Let's go get Vince.

What, why?

For backup.

Oh yeah.

No, like to film it,

just in case we have to
go to trial or something.

Great, my death
will be filmed.

Ramon, how could
you bring this garbage

into my restaurant.

Have you even tried them?

They're delicious.

No, they're not delicious.

They're full of crud.

Vince, Vince, we gotta go.

Carlo needs our help, let's go.

What did he say?

He says he loves
and respects you.

Let's go.

Every freaking time!

Come on!

I'm...

You okay over there?

I am good.

Really really good.

Good.

You know, actually
I'm a little mashood.

Mushade.

Thank you, Vince.

It's a perfect time
to correct my Italian.

Get it right.

Maybe some liquid
courage is in order.

Yeah, yeah I could
use a quick beer.

Yeah.

My glucose is low.

Mr. Perriti's pit bull
ate my veggie burger

and fries out of my backpack.

Oh no.

CC's is on the way.

Oh good, okay.

You know, in the old days,

they used to do
arranged marriages.

It was all about property
and wealth acquisition.

I mean, true love
doesn't exist anyway.

I mean there's no guarantee

to have a happily ever after.

Maybe, I start unhappy

and I bump into
happiness along the way?

I could do it all in reverse.

Okay, you know what,

I just gotta say
one thing to you

because it's really important...

Holy shit!

Look at CC's.

- Oh.
- Oh my gosh.

Forget this, we don't have time.

Now that's
irresponsible drinking.

Fucking millennials,

they can't handle their
sausage and booze.

So, in case we
don't make it tonight

there's a secret
I wanna tell you.

You can tell me
anything, you know that.

I was married before.

What?

Yeah.

You
never told me that.

I know, 'cause it was
someone I didn't love.

You know, my parents
arranged this marriage

and it was the whole
Latin tradition thing,

get married and have kids

I was so miserable.

I finally got enough courage

and I divorced him

but my whole family disowned me.

Oh, my, that sucks.

- Yeah.
- I'm really sorry.

No, it's okay.

'Cause then I met you.

And Vince.

Yeah.

And then I met you and Vince

and three years ago, you
guys became my family.

I'm just worried, Carlo,
if you marry Patricia

you are going to be off
with some stupid girl

and I'm gonna be stuck
with your cousin.

I'm, I'm here,
I'm right back here.

Yeah, I know.

Look, you gotta go
save your family.

So do what you gotta do.

I just always thought
the person I marry

was gonna be my best friend.

So did I.

Oh, geeze.

- Vince.
- Vince, you're leaking

back there.

- I can.
- What?

I can taste that.

It wasn't me.

It's, it's out...

For fuck's sake, Dante.

Right in my ficus?

Yo, Mickey, help your
cousin clean that shit up.

Get him off the pinot.

She still in there?

Yeah, she's still
in there, Pop.

Come on, sweetie.

Open the door.

All right, don't be embarrassed.

I've held your hair
50,000 times before.

Come on.

Listen, son, I'm feeling
a little mushade myself.

I'm gonna go upstairs and rest.

You let me know the moment you
hear from your brother Carlo.

Pussy's probably half
way to Canada by now.

Don't fucking talk about
your brother that way.

He is a good boy, he's
gonna do what he has to do.

He's probably with Mr.
Miola straightening

all this out right
now as we speak.

Yeah?

She's on the phone with Miola,

okay, he hasn't
even shown up yet.

This fucking night.

Open the door, Patricia

or I'm gonna kick the
fucking door down.

Are you okay, sweetie?

You're not gonna die,
sweetheart.

Okay?

I'm gonna make
sure he marries you

with fucking bells on.

Hey.

Ah, sorry, boss.

You, too?

Oh, sorry, boss.

Sorry, baby, I got
fucking Blazing Saddles

going on over here.

All right, listen, daddy is
gonna take care of everything,

all right, I love
you, sweetheart.

I love you.

Bye bye.

All right, assy and
gassy, get over here.

Get Anthony and Mario
up to the Serrellis.

They'll show 'em what happens

when people fuck with my trust.

Got it?

Sorry, boss.

I'm off the phone.

It don't matter no more.

I think
we can save him.

I don't think so, Gina.

We have to try.

- No, no.
- Come on, come on.

Save it from what?

Hey, buddy, it's
gonna be okay.

I'm here to help you, this is...

What's wrong?

Oh my God, oh my God.

How did we
just hit the head?

Maybe
somebody threw it.

Why would somebody
throw the head?

Oh, baby, I'm sorry.

Hey, uh, guys.

Did you throw a deer
head at our car?

Well, we have it

and I know you guys are hunters

and you like that piece hanging
on your walls and stuff,

so if you need it.

It's right here.

Oh.

Uh, no, no.

We're good.

We'll just keep.

It's fine.

No, we got it.

Get in the car, get in
the car, get in the car!

What are you doing?

Get in the car!

Come on, let's go, let's
go, let's go, let's go!

You guys, what is that?

Pauly, is that you?

What is your
cousin back on meth?

Okay, seat belts, guys.

What was
wrong with those guys?

I don't know.

I think they're
sick or something.

I mean, they were
eating the deer raw.

There's nothing wrong
with eating raw meat.

It's actually better
than eating meat

pumped full of antibiotics.

Oh come on, Vince.

Now is not the time
for your infomercial.

We gotta tell Filomena.

I mean, I saw her Tweet
something last night

about, you know, Pauly's
cheating ass not coming home

and she hopes he dies from HPV

which I don't think
you can die from HPV.

- I mean, that's ridiculous.
- Can you just text her,

please, Gina?

No, I don't have her number.

Vince, DM her.

I can't.

She blocked me on all platforms.

Why?

I said something
about her big ass.

Well.

I guess this is
where I say goodbye.

No, we're coming in with you.

Good luck in there.

Vince.

No, he's right.

Just like you gotta take
your veterinary test alone,

Vince has got to write
his scripts alone,

I gotta do this alone.

That is not the same thing.

I am not gonna die from
a veterinarian test.

I'm not gonna die.

You might die.

Vince.

Carlo!

If you're not back
in 20 minutes,

we're coming in to save you.

I don't need saving.

That that
rat bastard Serrelli?

You go get him.

You bring him down here,
you bring him to me.

Okay, you guys can save me.

Make that 15 minutes.

You guys okay?

Better than you're gonna be,
little groomer boy.

Pa rumpa rumpa dumb dumb.

What?

I can do it.

We're going the same way, guys.

Shut up.

He's gonna be all right.

Yeah, at least he's
got a gun on 'em.

He doesn't have to
count on Clemenza

to plant the gun
behind the toilet seat.

What are you talking about?

The Godfather.

Leave the gun, take the cannoli.

That makes no sense.

You gotta see it.

Maybe a movie night
with me and you?

You're letting that hug
get to your head, Vince.

It felt real.

Ah, my should of been
prodigal son-in-law is here.

Hey, hey, hey.

Is that anyway to treat a guest?

Make him comfortable.

Hey, why don't you have a seat

in this nice comfortable chair?

Yeah.

You wanna a sandwich, a sausage?

Maybe you should
want a cream soda?

No, thank you, I'm okay.

Hey, what the
fuck are you doing?

You said to make
him comfortable.

Learn to read a fucking room.

Okay, I was being facetious.

Fa-fa-fa?

You know what.

If my stomach wasn't
killing me right now,

I'd slap the shit
out of both of ya.

Now get out of here.

Young Carlo and I
need to have a word.

It wasn't real, I mean.

- It was, you were there.
- No, you held on.

No, you were just there, like

- it could of been anybody.
- You held on.

Wait a minute?

If we're factually
speaking, you hugged me.

You know what,
okay, okay fine.

You're right, Vince.

You're right.

I hugged you.

I hugged you during a
very vulnerable time

in my life.

When a decapitated deer carcass

was fused to the
hood of this car!

This car right there!

You were there, I'm here.

We're all here.

You know.

Daggers are my specialty.

Back when I studied
martial arts.

Of course, I was 14 years old

and it was at the Y.

But it will come back
to me, real fast.

You know, I can't.

What.

What, what are you doing?

I can't take it anymore.

We gotta go in.

All right, no.

We are not going in.

We still have 10
minutes on the clock.

You are such a pussy.

Such a double standard

when you use the P word.

Well you could say
it when you have one.

So what
do we have here?

Freaking electric cars.

Sneaking up like
four wheeled ninjas.

The size of your balls.

That you would walk into my
house, my home, my castle,

where my wife
hardly ever sleeps.

Mr. Miola...

Shut up!

You come here on the week

that should of been
my daughter's wedding

and yet you tell me you
don't have the guts,

the courage, the coglioni

to marry that beautiful flower,

that sweet angel, the
pride of my loins.

But, Mr. Miola...

Shut up again!

My husband sends
me across town

to find some roach coach

so he can have his
hussy whore over

for a quickie.

Oh no, I'm not, no.

Who are you, her pimp?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

Okay, you know what?

Do me a favor, sweetheart.

Wear him out, so he
can't annoy me, okay,

'cause I got better
things to do with my time

than cater to that asshole.

Those smell too good.

He doesn't deserve both
you and the sausages.

They smell fantastic.

Let's go, the
gates open, come on.

Your father and I had a trust

that you would do
the right thing.

What kind of man
doesn't make a sacrifice

for his family?

What kind of man turns away

from the opportunity to
bring two houses together?

What kind of man doesn't
want to spend the rest

of his life with a
beautiful, gorgeous,

smart, Italian
goddess, who's body

is so willing to breed.

What kind of man?

I'm gonna marry her!

Mr. Miola, I promised
my father I'd marry her.

Okay, I've got the ring.

It's right in my pocket.

Why wouldn't you tell her?

'Cause she locked
herself in the bathroom

but my Dad told her.

Didn't she tell you?

Nobody told me anything

and you know why?

Because you're lying.

Lying to save your
own miserable skin.

Mr. Miola, I swear on
my dead mother's grave,

I am telling you the truth.

Call her.

How the fuck am I supposed
to call your dead mother?

No, Patricia.

There's no way
we're getting to Carlo

with that big juche up there.

We gotta create a diversion.

Hi, hi.

Or you could just do that.

Are you kidding me?

You brought friends to
your fucking funeral?

Sit down.

Or they'll blow her out
of her fucking Keds.

Hi, I'm not a fan of blood,
guts, and violence.

So I just want...

What do you think
you're doing, you big...

So nice of frick and frack

to show up for
your death-iversey.

Tonight, you sleep with
the fishes, literally.

So here's what gonna happen.

Number one, you are
gonna die tonight.

Number two, I'm gonna finish
my nice, hot sausage meal

and then I'm gonna
kill these two.

Shut up.

You know what?

I'm gonna do you first.

Because your family name

has been an embarrassment
since the old country

and every time I drive by
that fucking restaurant,

Divalio's Mexican Grill?

You have any idea how
stupid that makes you sound?

Why would you
save Vince first?

I'm sorry, he was closer.

What, by 17 inches!?

Like, come on.

You guys are arguing
like my freaking parents.

Are you guys seeing this?

I got it.

Come on.

Come on, go, go, go, go!

Run!

Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Go, go, go.

Exterior, Mr. Miolas house.

Carlo, Gina, and Vince are
being chased by zombies.

CC's is right down there.

Did Viola say
we gotta kill everybody?

He didn't specify.

Right, right.

He said send a message.

What do you think he
meant by send a message?

Send a message.

Let 'em know we mean business.

Yeah but, he couldn't
of possibly meant

that we're supposed to
kill everybody then,

because...

Oh.

Do you see
you what I'm saying?

Right.

Because if we
killed everybody.

Then, how you
gonna send a message.

Who's gonna
get the message?

Aint nobody to receive it.

Right.

All right, so either way,

we've gotta leave
somebody alive.

At least one person.

Just one.

'Cause if we leave
two people out,

that's sending messages.

Just one person.

Oh that's, that's a
valid point right there.

Yeah.

All right.

All right, so from, so,

who do we leave?

Rochambeau for 'em.

You win.

I win.

You always win.

I win like 80 percent
of the time.

Let's do this.

I don't know.

He always says that thing

about like killing two
birds with one stone.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I think he uses that wrong.

That's almost impossible,
right?

It is, right?

I mean to kill two
birds with one stone.

I mean who does that?

You can't, you can't
unless you got like,

two willing birds who
just wanna commit suicide.

Or really good aim

and like two, I guess two
dumb birds, or slow birds.

- Right.

You gotta be careful
about birds though, man,

'cause birds will pay you back.

Right.

Case one, tryptophan,
that's how turkeys get us.

- Tryptophan?
- Tryptophan.

Oh man, you know I just think

they're both government
conspiracies,

Yeah, that's true

but tryptophan is
more natural, right?

Yeah but I mean natural,

but I still think the holiday.

Like two birds,
like I've seen enough.

I've flown all them...

Sweet mother in heaven!

Come on!

No!

Zombie!

I think we lost them.

These zombies
are freaking fast.

I know.

Why are you some of them fast

and some of them so slow?

The fast ones
ate a long time ago

and the slow ones just ate.

How do you know that?

When business is slow,

I read a lot of comics.

Where is everybody?

I'm guessing not here.

We gotta find a
way to get inside.

No, no, no.

What if there's zombies inside?

We don't have anywhere
else to go, Gina.

We gotta take that chance.

It's locked.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Shaun of the stupid,
what are you doing?

Don't you know when
you create an opening,

that's the way the
zombies get inside.

What do you want
me to do, Carlo?

You want me to huff and puff

and blow the door down like
Goldilocks and the three pigs?

That's two
different stories.

- You guys.
- As grandma used to tell...

Guys, look.

See, that's irresponsible.

Anybody could just
walk right in.

Quiet.

It was the brick.

- Come on.
- Come on.

Vince, we should
reinforce that door.

We'll stack tables and chairs

like 28 Days Later.

Somebody there.

You okay?

She's a damn sight
better than you're about to be.

Rose, it's me, Vince.

Vinny Vince.

It's me, Carlo.

Hi, I'm Gina.

We haven't met before.

I'm not Rose.

My name is Rosatta Vengence.

I have been here 50 times.

I think your name is Rose.

I became Rosa of Vengeance

when the dead started to walk.

Okay.

When this hell
started to unfold,

I made a promise to myself.

I said I will not fall,

like so many of these
black folks in these movies

who die at the first
stage of conflict,

who don't make it to
the end of the story.

No!

I'm not Samuel L.
Jackson in Jurassic Park.

I am not Yaphet Kotto in Alien.

Nor am I Duane
motherfucking Jones

who gave up himself
to save the white men

and women of this movie

only to get killed by a
racist white cop in the end.

Night of the Living
Dead, 1968, a classic.

Hold your roll, George Romero.

I refuse to be the token
death of this story.

I do not die now, I
do not die in the end.

No!

My story will not
be told by those

who weep from my passing.

My story will be told
on high mountaintops

amongst the throngs
who worship me.

My story will not be that I fell

to Satan's unleashed
army of hell creatures,

my legacy will be...

Holy shit.

Wait, where was I?

It was hard to know at first

but it felt like it was building

towards your ultimate
personal destiny

which was of survival and
also a self promoted...

It was very empowering.

Self image.

Thank you.

I just have to tell you

that your speech
was so inspiring.

Girl, I'm just glad to
see some people still alive.

I'm just glad to have a drink.

I am a master mixologist.

With some pretty
impressive kill skills,

Rose-atta. Rosatta.

You know what?

You can call me Ms. Vengeance.

Okay.

After I blasted those
zombie motherfuckers,

I sealed this whole
place up myself.

Which reminds me.

How did you guys get in?

Oh, that was easy.

After Gina found your
incredibly irresponsibly

placed hide a key.

We unlocked the door
and came in the...

Oh shit.

No.

Holy shit.

Round two, motherfuckers.

Oh fuck, Patrica.

Jesus, I didn't
know a broken heart

produced this much vomit.

You feel better?

No, I don't feel better.

He's gonna marry me.

But he doesn't want to marry me.

I definitely want all
of that, I wanted it.

The proposal, the.

I always wanted all
that true love stuff

that he was talking
about, you know,

but it never happened for me.

So be it.

Here I am.

I don't know.

It seemed like a good
idea to marry Carlo.

What about me?

Dominic.

You're like a fun toy.

You know?

I'm not in love with you.

I'm in lust with you.

But you don't marry lust.

No, your brother he's,

he's nice and he's sweet,
you know, he's intelligent.

And he's not part of all this
whole patriarchal bullshit.

Like where a man gotta be a man

and woman's gotta shut up.

My father said that
to me all the time.

I want to go to college.

Shut up.

I wanna, I wanna get my masters.

Shut up.

I want to be the face,

the first female president, dad.

Shut up!

Fucking female president.

That's fucking stupid.

Shut up!

Jesus, Patrica.

Shit, what the fuck.

Oh my God.

Dominic.

What the fuck?

Jesus Christ,
you look like shit.

What is happening?

Hey, Pop, get down here!

Oh Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

We gotta get you to a hospital.

Hey, Pop!

Pop, get down here, Pop!

Swear to God, Micky,

if you're fucking up my...

- Pop, help!
- Holy!

Get the fuck off me,
you crazy bitch.

Oh fuck, Dominic!

Dominic!

I'm coming, Dominic.

Help me!

Grab a gun.

Help me!

Ow, fuck!

Fuck, ow!

- Patricia!
- Motherfucker!

Let him go.

Oh fuck!

Stand down!

Jesus fucking Christ.

Her teeth are still in here.

My son aint marrying that.

Wait, Dominic.

You're welcome.

Gina, kill it!

I can't.

It's Mr. Jordesman.

I groom his king Charles.

That is not Mr.
Jordesman, anymore.

Do it!

Oh no, no, no.

No, no.

Oh no, no, no.

Hey not bad for a girl

who's afraid of
the sight of blood.

No, no.

Get back, Morella.

Oh, Ramon!

No, no.

Oh shit.

Ramon, no, no.

Who's watching the restaurant?

Gina, Luca Brasi.

I got this.

Here's your shine box.

What the fuck?

Well, that wasn't so bad.

Clarence.

I told you the first
time I put you down.

The first time?

That was my
boyfriend, Clarence.

He's dead to me now.

Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Temple of Doom.

You know, if you
asked me a month ago

if this was what
I would be doing,

this was not in my thoughts.

Who are you telling?

One minute people
are eating all kinds

of sausages out of a truck,

then the next minute, they
running around going crazy,

biting each other and shit.

My family was
eating Tablioni's.

Lady Vengeance is outside.

Go save your family.

You're not coming with us?

No, I'ma stay here
and protect this house.

Why?

'Cause I'm the goddamn
employee of the month.

Thank you.

Thanks for driving.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

You got zombie
guts on your neck.

Oh, right.

Zombies, right,
how could I forget.

What a crazy,
stupid fucking day.

Carlo.

I'm sorry for swearing.

No, no it's okay.

It's the Apocalypse.

Look, we're, gonna
get there on time.

We're gonna save your family.

How can you say that?

They were eating Tablioni's.

I don't know.

I'm just, maybe
they got a bad batch

of the bad sausage
which means it's good.

I'm just trying to
be positive here.

I'm positive we're
gonna be too late

and I'm positive I'm loser
just like Dominic said.

- Okay, you stop.
- I'm a fucking loser.

No.

You stop it with
that negative talk.

Okay, I saw what you did today.

You had the guts to
stand up to your father

and you had the guts to
stand up to Mr. Miola

and you had the courage
to fight those zombies

and you had the balls
to save your friends

and that's why
we're still alive.

It's because of you.

You are not a loser.

Because then that
would make me a loser,

for loving you.

You love me?

Cue romantic music.

Are we gonna do this
rescue thing or not?

Oh, Patricia, shit.

Dad?

What are you doing?

Dominic no!

Dad?

Father Mike, holy shit!

I'm sorry, holy cow.

Help Vince now.

Dad!

Dominic.

Dad!

Get the fuck away from me.

I'm your father, you fuck.

Get away.

Get the fuck away from me!

Dominic.

Get the fuck away from me.

No Dominic.

Dominic.

No, don't hurt him.

He's your brother.

Dominic, no!

No!

Dominic.

Dominic, no.

Don't make me do it.

Pop?

Pop.

Hey, Pop, you remember
when I was little

and mom would let me
sleep with the light on

and you'd come in
and turn it off?

Used to think you
were such a dick.

But I know you were just trying
to teach me to be strong.

I love you, Pop.

Always leave one in the head.

Well, it looks
like the small town

of Lake Elsinore, California
is almost back to normal

after suffering what
many are calling

an apocalyptic end of
the world type illness.

It's been reported
that the disease,

which infected the
intestines of its victims,

quite literally
left the living dead

walking amongst us, feasting
on our friends and neighbors.

The source of the infection

was discovered to be of
contamination of human remains

ground together in
Tablioni's meat sausage,

after finding a
couple of teeth hiding

within the tainted meat.

Forensic scientists determined

that the remains
belonged to none other

than one Vito Morelli

of the Morelli crime family.

Currently, there are no suspects

as the police intensify
their investigation.

Now we turn to a
local private citizen,

who's with our
lovely Rhonda Perris,

soon to be Jenkins, and
she's got great news

for all of us who still
love to eat sausage.

Present company included.

Here she is, my fiance, Rhonda.

More of a girlfriend.

Hi, I'm Rhonda Perris

and we do have good
news to spread.

I'm here with
local restaurateur.

And screenwriter.

Oh, local restaurateur
and screenwriter,

Vince Divalio.

Vincent.

- Vincent?
- Vincent?

Oh wow, wow, wow.

Not only are you a
local business owner

and screenwriter, but some
might also classify you

as an action hero
for your heroic deeds

that led to the
discovery of the disease

and eventually finding a cure.

That's right, Rhonda.

First off, before I
tell you my story.

- My story?
- My story?

Interesting.

That there is no need
to fear any of the food

at Divalio's Mexican Grill,

which, by the way,
never shut its doors

in what I like to refer to as

the final war.

Which also happens
to be the title

of my feature movie script

about my heroic adventures.

Movie producers, you can call
me at Divalio's Mexican Grill

which always has
the best, grass fed,

grain free, hormone
free, pesticide free,

range free, and just in
case you were wondering,

human free, all organic meats.

Wow.

That is a lot of frees.

Oh yeah, but the meat
itself is not free,

that you have to pay for.

But um.

I, I.

I could give you
some of the meat.

Really?

I like meat.

Wanna show me now?

Oh my god.

Okay, Vince is out of control.

Vincent.

Oh, that's right, I'm sorry.

Vincent.

- Vincent.
- Vincent.

Nice to meet you, I'm Vincent.

So ridiculous.

Oh, that's, Mrs. Jordesman.

- Hello, hi there.
- Hi.

Mr. Jack is ready for you.

Thank you, Gina

Oh, you are looking fabulous.

Thank you, this old thing?

And you know what?

It's Ms. Jordesman now.

Oh my god, I'm a widow.

That's right.

Ms. Jordesman, we're so sorry
to hear about your husband.

He was...

Thank you very
much, he was a guy.

You know, and he as
alive and now he's dead.

Everyone has their time.

But something good that
came out of it is life

insurance policy
that I have now.

Whoo.

Okay.

Yes, absolutely.

You look good.

I do?

Uh huh.

Thank you for noticing.

Have you been working out?

Well, a little.

I mean, there was...

Would you like to pay cash
or put that on your account?

- On my account
would be wonderful.

Okay, I got it.

Thank you, Mrs. Jordesman.

Nice to see you.

And you as well.

I'm single now,
just so you know.

- Single lady, single lady.
- I heard that, yes.

Working it, working it.

- Okay, congratulations.
- Okay, thank you.

Bye.

I'll see you around.

What is that?

I don't know,
I think she likes me.

Oh my God.

The customers always right.

I'm just trying to keep
the business going.

All right, I am gonna go

and take my test, wish me luck.

You're
gonna do so well.

All right, great.

Wait, wait, wait.

Um, could I have my Saint
Valentines pendant back?

Sure.

Okay, I mean.

I thought maybe like
I could keep it,

'cause you know,
I, I killed for it,

quite literally,
I mean literally.

No, I know.

It's just.

I just thought you
might like this better.

It fits.

Well, are you gonna
get on your knees?

There's dog shit down there.

Well just get on
one knee at least.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Gina Claudia De La Luna Garcia,

I love you.

I want to have a
family with you.

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Yes?

Yes, yes.

Did you feel something?

Yup, a little bit.

I felt something.

A little bit.

A little bit.

Your De Niro's terrible!

Oh, what do you know?

Come on.

Go get your shine box.

You talking to me?

Filomena?

Filomena?

Are those cats back?

Filomena?

Are you okay?

Filomena, are you locked in?

It's a latch.

Remember, the latch?

Filomena?

Oh.

Filomena, do you need?

I'm here, I'm here.

I'll help you.

I'm here for...

Hey, Morelli,
where are my Tablioni's?

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull